#i call bullshit on you scott cawthon

[doodlboy]

Yk, the fazbear frights books are weird as hell

[blametheeditor]

Do you have descriptions for all the FNAF bois? Very curious. Love your work. :) - 🧡

I have completely neglected to give true descriptions for them.

The audacity I have! I am unworthy of any love for any writing! We shall right this wrong!

Presenting: the FNAF bois

Scott Cawthon (A.K.A. Phone Guy, PG for short and Boss unironically)

Physical characteristics, he's 5' 9" with sandy hair and looks perpetually exhausted. You will never catch this man standing farther than 5 feet from a coffee mug if there's not one in hand, nor will he be caught dead in any kind of uniform or professional wear. It is strictly shorts and graphic t-shirts of his favorite bands.

As a wise person once said, his personality is overworked and praying that retirement is right around the corner it's never gonna happen. His life revolves around Fazbear's, every waking moment is either spent doing paperwork for the company, or physically at one of the locations to complete tasks like inspections or covering for a manager after they 'mysteriously' went missing. There's still a little bit of his dad side left, and it does come out from time to time, especially when certain employees act like disobedient children despite being full grown adults.

Disclaimer: he has absolutely no ties to the creator of FNAF Scott Cawthon. Not in personality, appearance, or otherwise. He just so happens to have the same name as the aforementioned creator, and has no one to blame for his life decisions but himself.

Vincent Wright (A.K.A. Purple Guy, Mutated Grape for those who are brave enough)

This one's literally purple, specifically hex# 5C00AC, from head to toe including his long hair he always has in a ponytail. Coincidentally, he perfectly matches the standard Fazbear night guard uniform that got discontinued after '87, never seen wearing anything but the short sleeve collared button down and slacks, though he refuses to hear a tie. This does not help the allegations he is a genetically engineered grape made to look and act like a human. And neither does never confirming nor denying if he is, in fact, human. Though he is happy to confirm his height is 5' 11". Did anyone ask? They didn't, but he confirmed!

Much like Scott, his sole purpose is to work for Fazbear's, tending to things happening behind closed doors. He's never really seen outside of the main offices of Fazbear Corporation, but when he is it's when he's following Scott, though if someone who's not supposed to know he exists spots him...And he doesn't follow to help oh no, he just likes to argue about the order in which inspections should be done, and really, Scotty, Foxy's the best animatronic? Foxy, when Bonnie's right there?

David Harrison (A.K.A. Douche Bag, prefers Mr. Harrison but stuck with just Harrison)

Picture this: the living embodiment of CEO. Never seen in anything except a perfectly tailored suit, so egotistical it is impossible to comprehend just how highly he thinks of himself, acts like it is an absolute pleasure to simply be in his very presence despite the fact he will guarantee talk down to you and yell the moment something isn't done to his near impossible standards. It doesn't help his 6' height and broad shoulders gives him quite the advantage considering he literally has to look down at you. Don't call him out for spiking his black hair in the attempt to give him another inch for bonus intimidation.

And he's been hired by the William Afton himself. Given his track record of helping hundreds of businesses rise from being on the boarder of going bankrupt to a thriving name of their respective industry, surely he can bring Fazbear out from the hole it dug itself and erase all the rumors if missing night guards and children disappearing from the restaurants. How hard can it really be?

Technically, it's not actually that hard. What is hard is keeping up with the literally bullshit he's constantly being handed. Such as Scott constantly bitching and demanding progress reports, a mutated grape, certain assholes just appearing in his restaurant and distracting him when he has better things to do than babysit. But does William listen when he has genuine complaints? No, the man just bushes him off like some low level employee. The moment his one year contract is up he's gone.

James Stiller (A.K.A. Snitches 'N Stitches, no, Stitch Snitch...Snitch Got Stich fuck)

He is 5' 9", with brown hair and brown eyes, and is someone who looks completely unassuming. Someone you can meet, exchange words with, and completely forget he ever existed even if the interaction had been him saving your life.

He's a doctor who works, well had worked, in the pediatrics wing of a hospital before Scott offered him a job to be on call across all Fazbear locations. He hadn't hesitated because a well known doctor who is trained for the ER, has a masters in psychology, and has written a few scholarly journals is clearly above a below minimum wage job running around children restaurants that should've been shut down a long time ago. He was only concerned about certain rumors about employees disappearing without a trace and didn't like Scott's insistence on having a lawyer on standby to read over the contract before signing it.

Eventually, he found a good middle ground with a contract after several meetings with William. Signed it. Almost immediately got berated by Scott because he broke the uniform code by wearing tennis shoes, to which he fired back it's either the shoes or the professional collared button up t-shirt turning into graphic shirts a certain supervisor clearly has nothing against. The shoes stayed, and he invited Scott to run with him sometime. The invitation has yet to be accepted.

Eggs Benedict (A.K.A. Been A Dick, pronounced been-uh-dick)

The literal embodiment of chaos. A gremlin, if you will. Fuzzy from Mario trapped inside a human body complete with blond hair, blue eyes, a thin 5' 10" frame, and a knack for getting on anyone's nerves within 5 seconds flat. Plainly said, the oldest sibling with younger sibling energy.

This thing also happens to be a genius mechanic. Will he ever tell anyone that? Psh, no, what's the fun in telling people he's competent when he can jump out like a jack-in-the-box and go gotcha bitch after getting praised by William for doing a flawless repair on the Funtimes! The answer is it wouldn't be fun, and neither would be telling someone what his favorite color is and instead taking it to the grave while joyfully announcing what he did in order to get suspended for a week while in college.

The best part is he wasn't even hired as a mechanic. Started off as a glorified janitor for Afton Robotics, the dream job in all honesty. All the glory in saying he works for Fazbear's without needing to actually do anything except chill with murderous animatronics and teach them how to properly play Uno. But then he possibly misjudged how close Funtime Foxy was to the door. Baby threatened to destroy his precious collection of mothballs if he didn't repair her. And now he's promoted so hey, win win!

Mike Schmidt (Michael when he's in trouble)

The reason for everyone's nicknames, and there's no way to get out of them because that's the only way he remembers you. Most people think he never calls anyone by their actual name because he's an asshole, and even though that's true it's because his memory isn't very reliable. Nor is his impulsivity. Side effects from an accident that left him with scars covering his entire head, ones rarely seen considering he always wears the night watch ballcap issued with every Fazbear uniform. The one's peeking out on his forehead are usually missed, because once you're that close, people tend to focus on the unnatural ashen completion and piercing blue eyes promising a fist if they don't back away.

There's good and bad that comes with those scars. It's hard to hold down a job when he curses tend to slip out, at least until he applied to become a Fazbear night guard. Then it kept him alive every night for several months. On one hand, the impulse to hunt down the animatronics one night when a certain rabbit started shit talking a little too much almost ended with him getting fired since a metal pipe left noticeable dents on the shells and needed to be repaired. On the other, he didn't get fired and even earned a bit of respect where even Bonnie admired his bravery and stupidity.

But he isn't anything if not loyal. Will be by your side no matter what happens, including facing off murderous animatronics with nothing but his fists. May not get social ques, but one word and he's happy to back off. Respect him, and you've earned a companion for life. Don't comment on his only outfit being the standard long sleeve uniform for Fazbear's or when he curses, and your teeth won't get knocked out. And if you ever try to disrespect those who've earned his loyalty, you're lucky if you get to live another day.

Jeremy Fitzgerald (A.K.A. The Jerber, Skitzgerald when Mike isn't around to hear)

When you look at him, the word 'stilt walker' comes to mind. He just looks a bit too tall for his own good. 5' 10" is an average height, nothing really special, but he makes it seem like he's 6' off the ground while looking shorter at the same time. It doesn't help he constantly looks nervous, like something is going to come after him at any second. Grey eyes always wide open with his head tilted down in the hopes his brown curls will hide his face.

In his defense, he has every right to be nervous when he was hired as bait for murderous animatronics! All he needed was a job in order to survive considering he is living all on his own after just graduating high school, and no one else was hiring other than Fazbear's. He couldn't afford to be picky even though it's below minimum wage, not that he's ungrateful or anything! But if he's going to get killed then why can't they pay him enough to at least afford rent and food!

Honestly, it's a miracle he managed to survive as long as he has. Scott had been kind enough to schedule someone to train him, but one week was not enough to prepare him for doing this day after day, week after week, with nothing but his imminent death in his foreseeable future. At least Mike was nice, and if he's ever close to losing the game, the man said to just call and backup will arrive. He, uh, might be slightly worried what exactly 'backup' is supposed to mean...though the Toys are nice too when they're not trying to kill him.

Fritz Smith (A.K.A. Irish Jig)

The worst part about being a teenager is looking like a teenager, and his 5' 4" height isn't doing him any favors, nor does his big green eyes and freckled face lend any sort credibility. And to top it all off, he specifically looks like a rowdy one, because try as he might his red hair never cooperates and always looks like he just ran a mile. But rowdy teenagers who can get out of trouble with a single look are bad for hiring. Because how can a business trust he won't cause any issues while working, or even quit the same day he starts once he realizes it's all work and no play?

That's not something he would ever do, and he genuinely wants to work! But there's nothing he can do to prove himself until he gets hired, but he won't get hired until he proves it, and it's a never ending cycle he can only escape from by growing older. That is, until he stumbled upon Fazbear's, who didn't blink twice when he stepped through the doors to ask about the waiting staff opening. Essentially got hired on the spot and almost immediately had a pizza shoved at him with the demand to deliver it.

Within a few months he became employee of the month, even became the animatronics favorite after mastering the art of entertaining children who wanted his attention while making sure he never missed an order. He worked so hard and got so good at his job that even Scott himself took notice. Pulled him to the side one day to say he was getting transferred to another location with better pay and animatronics that moved during the day. The only thing he asked was if he could still stop by to say hi to Mike and the gang on the weekends. He’s a little ashamed to admit it, but he might’ve used puppy eyes to get a yes. Completely on accident, though!

Caleb White (A.K.A. Hell Spawn, and sometimes Crying Child)

There's two things people immediately notice, that being the fact tears constantly stream down his face, and there's a small golden plush bear being hugged protectively. The more they look, the more they notice his uncombed brown hair, pleading brown eyes, the dull color to the plush that says it should be tossed into the washer. And if they look for too long, the bear's black eyes with white pinpricks will stare directly into their soul.

At least, that's what Fredbear tells him. And he trusts Fredbear, more than anything, which means he needs to start combing his hair better but he'll never put the bear in the washer. Not when he's only 8, and 8 year olds aren't allowed to know the right buttons to press, so his brother says he'll make sure Fredbear gets clean. But he'll put Fredbear in the washer without knowing how to use it long before he ever gives his brother his only friend. Because if he does, he'll never see Fredbear again. And then who will help him keep the Nightmares away?

William Afton (A.K.A. Mr. Asshole, Afton disrespectfully)

The color maroon is an interesting one. Not quite brown, not quite red, and there is a delicate balance that needs to be struck so neither color overpowers the other. To create a harmonious blend is a near impossible task. It can be accomplished, however, if someone is skillful enough. And contrary to what some may believe, he is aware of where his strength and weakness lie.

Such a regal color. Especially on a well-tailored suit made to accentuate someone's height. Certainly compliments black hair and blue eyes quite nicely, wouldn't you agree?

[theliterarywolf]

I cannot, CANNOT, understand why people are so desperate to attack Viv and ruin her. I have a legitimate reason for not liking her (the Scott Cawthon fiasco), but if there’s one thing I admire at the least, it’s her earnest desire to include diversity rep in her projects. Not one of the characters felt like a shoe-horn or a last minute “slap a label on them and call it representation” type of character. I can’t understand how people are so eager to attack her.

It's a combination of a lot of the people constantly trying to ruin Viv and Spindlehorse are just upset that something they personally don't like is becoming so successful and 'Crabs in a Bucket' theory.

Particularly the latter because, really: if people actually used their heads, they could just go 'oh, this isn't for me; but happy for the people who do like it' and then maybe make a few shitposts about the fandom being annoying.

There are so many people who will see independent projects becoming legitimately successful, without having to scam anyone, and then go 'Hey, wait a minute!! How DARE you be successful and I'm stuck here?!'

It doesn't help that we're currently seeing the beginning rumbles of people being hostile towards Indie projects. Alex Hirsch and Tara Strong recently announced an Indie animated series that they want to start up and everyone started screeching about 'UMMM???? If you've been successful or worked with a network in the past, you can't be an Indie creator???'

...As if it isn't common knowledge all the bullshit that Alex Hirsch went through when he was working for Disney and why said bullshit is pushing him to go Indie.

[diseaseriddencube]

An explanation of Help Wanted by someone who has never so much at looked at any material from it

for @herdisturbedheart

Okay, so disclaimer: literally everything i say from now on could be completely and totally wrong, i may even be talking about Special Delivery who fucking knows 😍

So to make explaining easier, I need you to imagine that you are currently in the fnaf universe. Right now, Fazbear Entertainment is a real company, and you are in that world, okay? In this universe, there has been a rogue game developer making games about Freddy Fazbear's Pizza locations, making them into horror games to give them a bad rep for the company. That game developer is Scott Cawthon, who made the fnaf games (in universe and irl. yes it's confusing)

So Fazbear Entertainment hires another developer to make a new game that will dispel the bad reputation and rumors from those games. Within the Help Wanted game, you, the player (irl) control a character who is playtesting said in-universe game (I think???? i really need to research this game ;_;)

The developers for the in-universe game received old materials from the pizzerias to help them make the game, this includes an old circuit board (originally part of springtrap) that gets scanned into the game

because william's soul juice is bonded to the metal or some shit, his soul juice gets scanned into the game and becomes a virus, glitchtrap*

*ALSO i think in security breach (ruin dlc?), there's something called the mimic....so i may have been entirely wrong about that last segment, and it's actually the mimic mimicking william and NOT the circuit board bullshit....but i have no idea anymore 😭😭

Now there's vannessa, who was a previous playtester as well (?) she gets like, infected or mind controlled by glitchtrap. something something she sends emails to other people in the company (???) and she is controlled via the Vanny rabbit mask?

I believe in the actual gameplay you're supposed to collect stuff, and read said emails/messages, and your progress gets hindered by either glitchtrap or vanny i have no idea 😍

Now onto SECURITY BREACH (not including ruin bc i don't care anymore to keep up-)

Vannessa gets hired at the pizzaplex, i heard someone say there's sth in the lore about kids going missing there? Anyway, the game gives you zero real reason why gregory is hiding from her or why she might be evil. and then she's Vanny or sth i uh....i really need to play SB at some point.......she's evil for noooo reasonnnnnn wooooowwwwww :DDDDD i will now give up on explaining

[tarotcard0]

I saw a new video by the Youtuber Josh Scorcher. Top 10 Fails Of 2021.

In it he brings up the whole thing with Scott Cawthone (or however you spell it) and his donations to far right politicians. The issue I have with this section of the video is that the fail is lumped entirely on the people who were understandably mad at Scott for doing that. Specifically, it is stated that Scott was Doxxed and he and his wife were threatened. This isn't actually shown on screen when he says it, and all of my research, however brief that may have been, has merited no such results. Just claims, claims that this has happened and claims that said threats were deleted. What a coincidence. (You seriously telling me no one managed to screencap those?)

Instead of calling both of these people out, Josh instead treats anyone who participated in the utterly justified cancellation of this guy as equivalent to the people who (allegedly) sent literal death threats to him and doxxed him, and treats Scott's actions as completely neutral.

You realize they're not, right Josh? You realize that was a BAD thing he did, right Josh?

Republicans / Conservatives have NO PLACE in our society moving forward. They don't deserve the time of day, much less support, much less a fucking homage Josh! I will die on this hill.

Ah! But he donated to charity~! And made one of the most beloved indie horror games of all time~! See, he did good things! This magically absolves him of all wrongdoing! Bonus points for Josh's "And he also donated to some Democrats too, but shush" as if that would also undo donating to actual monsters.

Josh is ON RECORD in that video (which I have downloaded as to make sure it’s not removed after hopefully more people call him out on his bullshit) having said that he believes Scott:

1 - Didn’t do anything wrong. Hi, Josh. He directly supported politicians who are Anti LGBTQ+ and anti women’s rights.

2 - Didn’t single out any communities. Hi, Josh. He directly supported politicians who are Anti LGBTQ+ and anti women’s rights.

3 - Didn’t Maliciously attack anyone. Hi, Josh. He directly supported politicians who are Anti LGBTQ+ and anti women’s rights.

4 - Just showed his support for people he believed in. Hi, Josh. He directly supported politicians who are Anti LGBTQ+ and anti women’s rights.

For that 3rd one specifically: Even if his attack was indirect, it was still an attack.

Scott would go on to quite literally pull a "I'm not racist my friends are black" in his defense post, stating such things as: "I treat people as people." A confusing statement given how he said this in response to people being mad about him supporting the opposite. And stating that he loved the fans of his from the LGBTQ community. A confusing statement given how he said this in response to people being mad about him supporting the opposite.

And most hilariously: This.

No Scott. No they can't.

At least one comment I read in Josh's video brought up that Scott was "Just supporting what he believed in" and that "It doesn't necessarily mean that he agrees with everything the people he supported do." Which is a crock of shit. It doesn't matter if he doesn't agree with everything the people he supported do, support for one of their actions is support for all of them. In supporting Trump and McConnell because he "felt [Trump] was the best man to fuel a strong economy and stand up to America's enemies abroad" (Which isn't even an opinion, it's literally wrong.) He is supporting the discrimination, and worse, of LGBTQ+ People, who he claimed to love.

Because I can't decide if this post should be about Scott Cawthone or Josh Scorcher, let's talk about Josh again for a minute, because later in that same video, he talked about the r/Wallstreetbets thing, in which Wallstreet lost 5 billion dollars, due to some Gamestop Stock fuckery and one subreddit's ultimate prank on the system.

Josh does an egregious Both Sides-ing of the event stating "Now this is a good thing or a bad thing depending on your point of view of stocks in general. We're not gonna argue who's right or wrong here [...]" While acting as if he's neutral on the whole thing. But his tone of voice gives away who he thinks is in the wrong.

You realize that this was a GOOD thing that happened, right Josh?

Josh, you referenced Bo Burnham at the start of that video. You played and enjoyed Undertale. We're even both subscribed to Schaffrillas Productions.

All of those seem pretty progressive to me. I'd like to think you'd agree with me here.

But I guess you don't.

[sirvalrigard]

genuinely cannot figure it out. cann you please tell me what the fnaf series is about

OK OK so like we’re extremely off our shits rn but lets try to make this coherent

edit: this actually turned into a fucking wall of infodump bullshit so adding a cut lol

1970s. a gay furry dad named henry emily decides to make a furry restaurant cause he’s passionate abt animatronics and making kids happy. he opens the restaurant with a man named william afton as his business partner. henry makes animatronics and william handles idk being fucking creepy and handling money is my best guess. the restaurant is called Fredbear’s Family Diner, featuring Fredbear and Spring Bonnie (after a year or two it becomes popular enough for henry to have money to build bonnie, freddy, chica, and foxy too!) 

ok so shits fine and normal until william billiam is like ‘hmm im gonna be a child predator now’

on a rainy night one of henry’s children, Charlie Emily, is locked outside the pizzeria somehow, where william finds and kills them. the security marionette that henry built to protect his kids drags itself outside to their body, and thus is possessed by their spirit

obviously henry is fucked up but no one knew who the killer was, so henry was able to reopen another location, this time under the new name of Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza, with the now familiar friends Bonnie, Freddy, Foxy, and Chica to join the original two! multiple locations are eventually opened, and things are going just fucking fine until WILLY billy does his bullshit again!!

this time he lures them into the back by wearing a Spring Bonnie suit, and kills four children and stuffs their bodies into Bonnie, FReddy, Foxy, and Chica, where Marionette (charlie) finds them and binds their souls to the animatronics

but even though willish addon was employed at the very location he killed kids at, AND he was even convicted as the killer, since police couldnt find the bodies (and are useless) he didnt go to jail which is honestly so accurate its the scariest part of the franchise

so like henry at this point i imagine is like “fuck this” and sells the restaurant line to—you know what? honestly? i would love to know who runs Fazbear Entertainment. with the way help wanted was going i rlly hope we get an expansion on that with them as the villians (destroy capitalism) ANYWAY–

“Fazbear Entertainment” becomes the parent company of this mess now and theyre like :)……oh lets hire that william guy again hes fine

and at this point wwillus is making his OWN fucking pizzeria and his OWN animatronics and is actively kidnapping, torturing, and killing children to steal life essence from their souls! during the process of testing this, he gets his own ‘daughter’ Elizabeth Afton killed!! yeah im not fucking making this up!! (ppl in the fandom really defend this guy lol)

1983. so as Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzas are expanding,  Willard Afturd somehow? got himself some children. like to raise. like as a “““father”““. personally i do like 2 think a mother was involved but honestly he totally coulda just fucking kidnapped some random children to raise as his own and im starting to think thats more plausible  actually BUT ITS NOT GAME THEORY TIIME

one of these kids he is personally torturing! his own “son”! incredible! long story short this traumatized child ( unofficially named CC Afton ) is forced into the mouth of Fredbear by his brother Michael Afton and his friends, aaaand he dies ( and is guided by Charlie to possess Fredbear )

even after years of rumors about dead kids being hidden in animatronics, its this accident is the last straw for Fazbear’s Pizza and they are finally shut down. then WILL rubs his nasty hands together and tries to open his OWN pizzeria with his original OCs do not Steal™, Funtime Freddy, Bon Bon, Ballora, Circus Baby ( possessed by Elizabeth) , and Funtime Foxy and theyre all. probably possessedtoo cause theyre used 4 his kid torture fetish

uh ok so Aphton is like hey michael go clean up my child abuse for me anyway brb so his son Mwanders into his father’s Pizzeria to find his sister elizabeth . long story short…………he finds her and she does the “we’re brothers but closer” spongebob meme but also with her friends

ANd they leave! hooray! from then on the story is about Michael, whos zombified now after being used as a husk to hide an amalgamation of 5 animatronics fucking trying to find his shitty fuckass dad, and to help the anguished and vengeful spirits inside

but the first location to reopen after having been shut down, Wilson AAAAA is employed AND KILLS SOME MORE KIDS who would have guessed omg amazing..stunning.. and michael is employed there JUST a week too late like it happens RIGHT before he’s employed so Wumbo Man gets away again and Fazbear Entertainment gets shut down AGAIN, in 1987

not too many years later Fazbear Entertainment tries to open restaurants yES AGAIN and theyre still using the original animatronics that are still rotting and bloody on the inside . somehow this place stays open for a bit, and michael is employed there still looking for Worst Father Ever, and the children attack him due to rage and confusion, and when they kill another employee, the restaurant is shut down for like the trillionth time

but then for some reason Whenwillhedie Afton is like im gonna go try to dismantle the other haunted animatronics at the shut down pizzerias cause i dont actually even know i have shit for brains and also probably wanted to melt them down for life juice BUT

theyrelike FUCK OFF and the spirits of the children materialize in front of Wellington Well Done and force him into the old crusty spring bonnie suit that he’d murdured in before nd spring is like FUCKy ou and crushesAlton with their animatronic parts aand smush him. trapped now #springbonnieisgoodguy

the spirits go to rest in animatronica, the events of fnafworld happen when: 30 fucing years later in like the 2010s some jackasses thought it would be a good idea to mak e a haunted hoiuse attraction based on fazbear’s pizza and use actual shit from the restaurants and of COURSE this fuck shit up hardcore and disturbs the spirits from the rest that they were in ( until it turned intp the events of FNAF World ) and then they were ripped back into reality when Fazbear’s Fright was built

also! they found WWWacky smacky Acky all rotting away inside Spring Bonnie (now called Springtrap) and were like yeah this is good. definitely not a robot struggling to hold back the influence of a murderer predator and definitely wouldnt haev a problem with being set free

basically michael hears about this thing when it opens and is the first employee there and proceeeds to burn the whole place down as soon as he sees Willmont stuck inside ofs Springtrap

buuuut it doesnt work and Springtrap and other various spirits and haunted robots are still wandering the fuck around and Henry at this point is like Okay I Need To Do Something About This Cause This Is Entirely Out Of Fucking Hand and he reopens a Freddy Fazbear’s location himself, but advertises for a manager who wants to build their own pizzeria

you know who pounces on this like a purple cat? MIKE hes like FUCK yeah egg boys gonna kill his dad and be ann egg MAN today

with the help of Henry’s use  of luring mechanics and michael’s endurance and survival skill they gather Scrap Baby (elizabeth), Lefty (charlie), Scraptrap (springtrap, unfortunately  who has a rotton raisin inside him ), and Molten Freddy (the remaining animatronics that  had jumped into michael’s skin lumped together)

soon as theyre all there ? boom . henry lights the place on fire just like mike had and THEY BOTH JUST SIT THERE AND DIE IN IT TOO LIKE ITS SO METAL and it burns everyone else as well

and all the kids are like

uwu

owo

and drag william afton into HELL!! and they get to torture him for a while together and get the revenge they deserve hell yeah tbh UCN is so iconic

BUT Fazbear Entertainment drinks the capitalism so theyre like…. :((( we’ve been so bullied we totally didnt haev an employee who killed countless children… .pleas,e,e,, buy our mehrch, , n,,jdn

SO they employ an AU version of scott cawthon to make, essentially, the games that we’ve all been playing, but like, in-universe, – so the company in universe has fnaf video games made in order to make light of and cover up the actual murders that happened in the canon. is this too meta yet?

okay i lied this is also the scariest part of the franchise bc of how accurate it is to corrupt business hGJFSKDLHDSS

therefore, they create Help Wanted, the recently released VR game (also a game in-universe) and they use salvaged circuitboards and shit from all the old animatronics to program the game, but of course that just ends up transferring everyone’s soul into the game – the kids, the animatronic AIs, and BASTARD MAN

spring bonnie, now called Glitchtrap, is in a deteriorated mental state and is weak to Afton’s influence, and the fuck is able to manipulate an unknown amount of people into helping him out of the VR game and into the in-universe real world. one of these people was jeremy fitzgerald, michael afton’s childhood friend and a former employee at Fazbear’s Pizza during 1987.

he was involved in a lawsuit against the company making the game, and we don’t know what has happened to him yet. but he’s very important. evidence points to him being one of the kids that helped michael put CC’s head into Fredbear’s mouth, and that in 1987 when working at freddys he was bitten and is somehow functioning without a frontal lobe (but like, michael at this point is functioning with insides made of pudding and rotting skin so . basically theyre both too gay to die )

but we DO know that theres at least one person communicating directly with Glitchtrap, who he seems to have convinced to help set him free, someone whos made their own rabbit mask but doesnt seem to be willingly doing this, and might be brainwashed

also, currently, (this is really weird because we are currently living in the same time as the fnaf timeline is at right now) Fazbear Entertainment is planning on a “service program” that is basically sending personal animatronics to peoples houses and GUESS how fucking well THAT works out bc theyre STILL ALL HAUNTED YOuf g

and it seems like theyre planning on opening a new location in 2020, and that might be when we can learn more about the reluctant follower of springtrap and who has the camera while everyone moshes on william aftons corpse

basically the games are about childhood trauma, recovery, the love of family and friends, and justice against many kinds of evils

also where the fuck is sammy

[cloudbankdownload]

konnichiwa, and welcome back to the classic “Matpat video notes from hell” series

yup we’re doing this again lol. just imagine noodle from gorillaz typing this up instead of alex and it’ll almost be just like last time! today (June 10, 2019) we’ll be watching “Game Theory: FNAF, You Were Meant To Lose (FNAF VR Help Wanted).” please note that in the thumbnail it says “don’t trust the tapes!” so you too can be mad at how he’s slandering tape girl like that. and, of course, THERE WILL BE SOME (MOSTLY MINOR) SPOILERS! YOU’VE BEEN WARNED. okay, video time!

-alright, starting off strong with a compilation of Poor Matpat (/s) and all the times he thought he’d made his last fnaf theory video (man i wish fnaf 4 was his last theory vid too)

-not even a minute in and we’ve already got some avengers endgame references smh

-jokingly calls fnaf vr “matpat insanity simulator” and MAN i WISH

-calls the game “an ~inflection~ point” like we get it you can use fancy words okay relax

-thinks there’s more games to come

-vr game supposedly is gonna lead us into “FNAF: The Next Generation” (bro if you’re gonna come up with a name for a list games we don’t even know are gonna exist, at least be creative with it come on)

-”the meatiest game in the fnaf library” with I SHIT YOU NOT an awful graphic of freddy’s head over a disgusting pile of “ground meat” with a big yellow sun-shape with red text that says “NO FAT!” JFC MATT WHY!! WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS!! also y’all are welcome, i definitely took that bullet for you

-i’m only two minutes into a 23:39 video why did i sign up for this i’m gonna die

-oh joy he actually played it on gt live /s

-BRO WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT VOICE HE DID FOR THE PUPPET

-experience of the game is to “recreate the brand” and “clear its name” or w/e

-OMFG HE LITERALLY WAS TALKING ABOUT ALL THE MONEY SOCK COTTON WAS MAKING ON MERCH ONLY TO STOP AND TALK ABOUT HIS OWN FUCKING MERCH SEND HELP GET ME OUTTA HERE IM GONNA GO F E R A L

-he’s really going out of his way to say “THESE shirts are for the LADIES and THESE shirts are for the MEN” SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I KNOCK YOUR TEETH OUT

-seriously man we already knew you were a Gender Binary Cop but this is ridiculous

-there’s game theory underwear. apparently. if i had to suffer through that fact so do you.

-”if you’re a fan of all the hard work we put into each and every one of our videos” WOW matt i had know idea how hard it was to steal other people’s work and ideas for your half assed theories!!!1!!11!!!

-god he makes it sounds like his theory gear is like donating to a charity absolutely unbelievable

-by the way, that ad for his own merch was from 3:32-4:18 and that’s almost a full minute (though trust me, it felt like so much longer)

-quiero matar ese hombre (translation: i wanna kill that man)

-OH. OH HE DID NOT.

-[insert stream of cursing in multiple languages that i cannot be bothered to type out here]

-this little white bitch really just said that there was only one important character missing in the vr game–golden freddy

-“noodle!” i’m sure you’re saying. “there’s nothing wrong with matt saying that!” oh no, that wasn’t the bad thing he said. ohhh no.

-and i quote: “i mean, ballora isn’t around here either, but you know i said ‘IMPORTANT’ [voice saying “buh-buh-baom!”, explosion sfx, air horn sfx]”

-気持ち悪い！(disgusting!)

-me parece que el quiere ser un hombre muerto (it seems to me that he wants to be a dead man)

-anywayyyys back to golden freddy: she’s not in the game because she’s chillin in hell with william afton APPARENTLY

-あの、ちょっと・・・(um, not really…)

-oh excuse me, she’s in hell with william to torture him, not chill with him

-also like how we’re still assuming a lot of things /s

-man this is taking a while

-cassidy (golden freddy) never gives up her soul, proves along with scrap baby plush that help wanted takes place after pizzeria simulator

-franchise is trying to rebuild itself after yknow, a dude going on a child killing spree

-talks about the following malhare ending

-yeah we aint gonna talk about what he calls malhare

-third appearance of the name “jeremy” in the games

-says he’s put the tapes in a “cohesive narrative” order (hah, how much do we wanna bet he’s wrong?)

-lol doesn’t say the order so he can’t be called out on his bullshit (i’m too tired to try and actually piece this shit together)

-this mf really 1) called jeremy crazy 2) or maybe that he’s “just a fnaf youtuber” and 3) PUTS UP A GRAPHIC OF HIM AND MARK GIVING EACH OTHER A HIGH FIVE. bold of you to assume you deserve to be near him mister patthew.

-[GORE WARNING] his take on the jeremy incident (you know the one, it was mentioned in the tapes) is that the ink is blood and jeremy DID cut his face off with the paper cutter. if you’re here from the fnaf discord server, you were probably around when we all discussed that this was unlikely.

-oh wow he really just tried to tie that in with the bite of 87 huh

-he’s convinced jeremy dies (spoiler: we don’t–and neither do a fair bit of people)

-really blaming tape girl for the fact that she didn’t warn about not collecting the tapes until the fifteenth tape huh

-talks about all cassettes collected endings, and how you “lose” no matter what in any of the three endings

-thinks the player is destined to lose the game

-mentions inconsistencies and oddities in the tapes

-i.e. how tape girl introduces herself twice—in tape one and tape fifteen

-how she says in tape sixteen that she knows there’s a way to kill malhare when she can’t possibly be sure, because she clearly hasn’t done it herself (malhare wouldn’t exist otherwise.)

-as in, she’s secretly trying to get you to release malhare instead of killing him

-thinks malhare melded with her conscious after she tried to delete the audio files and then attempted to escape by making the next playtester release malhare

-meanwhile the player is stuck while malhare takes over their body

-thinks that maybe the player waits until the next playtester comes along and loses their consciousness, which lets the player out

-says that putting together the tapes is like putting together the petscop lore

-wonders how many williams are out there--could the ai be replicating itself into multiple people--but admits yeah probably not

-”but that’s just a theory.. a game theory” or w/e the fuck he says

-insert ancient meme about fnaf storyline here bc he was too lazy to make a graphic or w/e

-oh wait no he wants to talk about jeremy haha still gotta sit through this for another minute or so

-random appearance of shadow freddy he found, malhare has three toes (ffs sake not the toe theories again i thought we were done with that crap) like the footprints outside afton house in fnaf ps midnight motorist minigame

-lovelyyy he’s gonna make another video after “thinking” shit over

-”scott cawthon is the villain in his own game” OKAY WHATEVER IDGAF

-i hoped you enjoyed these because they were legitimately the second or third worst experience of my life and i’m really not exaggerating

[blametheeditor]

Backstories: Eggs Benedict

Warnings: Cursing, mentions of murder, death, experiments on living people

Please take note this is not suitable for everyone.

Disclaimer: The world and characters used in the story are owned solely by Scott Cawthon. We own nothing but the writing.

Please give credit to those who deserve it. Thank you.

And down into the darkest depths we go...

___________________________________

“Welcome, Eggs Benedict.” 

“Yep, that’s my name. I, Eggs Benedict, are a humanized breakfast dish!” 

“We do not appreciate sarcasm in this establishment. If you proceed to use this form of communication-” 

“You’ll shock me using the badge I have pinned to my shirt, yada, yada, yada. Do it already, will ya?” Eggs grins, though tense as he prepares for the pain to come. 

The blonde man was hired three weeks ago to work at Circus Baby’s Entertainment and Rental for ‘janitorial duties’. He didn’t expect a lot when he was hired, and without so much as an interview, but the place was more out of whack than he could possibly imagine. 

Animatronics that sure seemed like they wanted to kill you. Technicians here and there getting hanged inside the different rooms. Needing to shock said animatronics in order to do his job...a whole lot more of that kind of bullshit. 

Speaking of shocks...

"FUCK!” Eggs exclaims as his, might he add, HandUnit electrocutes him.

On his first week the mechanic only got shocked due to him being hesitant about ‘administering a controlled shock to properly motivate the animatronics’. Lately, however, the AI has gotten at tad too power happy with the technology. 

Now him and the animatronics were all in the same boat. Forced to come down to the living hell disguised as a workshop for repairs deep underground at night to get shocked at least once. 

“Proceed to the primary control module.” 

“On it, Sadistic Disembodied Voice,” the man salutes before carefully kneeling down and crawling into the vent to get to where he needs to go. 

Thanks to his extremely tiny frame and nimble body he never has to worry about getting stuck inside of the vent openings. Though crawling through said vents wouldn’t be needed per say if they fixed the yellow caution taped hallway. But hey, who was he to complain when it’s his job to use it every single night… 

With a grunt of pain he stands up after entering the primary control module. As HandUnit tells him he needs to check on Ballora, the janitor sighs at seeing a certain form not on the stage. 

“Uh-oh. It looks like Ballora doesn’t feel like dancing.” HandUnit supplies. 

“Thank you, Captain Obvious,” Eggs smirks. He waits for a moment until he gets a controlled shock of his own. Once it passes he then shocks the ballerina, breathing out relieved at seeing her back on stage after only one shock. 

“Excellent. Ballora is feeling like her old self ag-” 

“Or you’re just a bastard who wants to shock the poor animatronics to get kicks out of your shitty life.” Another shock, this time without a warning. “Dude! Tell a guy next time you pull shit like that!" 

“Let’s check on FuntimeFoxy,” is all that's said in favor of ignoring Eggs’ comment for the mistreatment. The blonde man glares and flickers on the light for Funtime Auditorium, unable to help a smile at seeing the white and pink fox pressed up right against the window. 

“Eggs!” she exclaims. 

“Hey Foxster. How are you tonight?” 

“I’m good! I got to see sooooo many kids today! They were all so excited and it was awesome!” 

“I’m really glad to hear that. Now, are you gonna go on your stage or are we both gonna get zapped?” 

“I’ll go,” FuntimeFoxy whines. Eggs grins when she disappears from view and allows the light to turn off so HandUnit can see she’s on stage. 

“Great job FuntimeFoxy. We knew we could count on you!” the AI appraises. 

“Do the noise!” she calls as Eggs listens to the assignment of checking on Baby. 

Or, should be listening, but instead was making hand puppet movements to everything being said. 

“Again?” 

“YES!” 

“Don’t encourage her,” Ballora announces. Eggs smirks as he turns to the other window, bringing his flashlight out so he can actually see her figure still dancing on the stage. 

“You mean to say you don't like the noise?” Eggs teases, hand reaching out ‘threateningly’ out to make FuntimeFoxy’s dreams come true. 

The animatronic lets out a sighing noise as she shakes her head fondly. Grinning at the ‘okay’, he then presses the nose to the weird clown head sitting on the desk, eliciting a weird laughing noise into the silent air. 

“Thanks Eggs!” FuntimeFoxy grins. 

“Anytime.” The man offers a smile to Ballora before crawling through the vent to Baby’s gallery. 

Fingers crossed to not have to deal with anything weird tonight, his tiny form appears inside the small module 'over looking' Circus Baby's auditorium. Really it could just be standing over a giant ass cliff with the chance of breaking even more and sending him to his doom, but okay! Whatever you say Handy! 

Mostly he doesn't really mind crawling in and helping with Baby's weird sense of humor. Her bidybabs coming over and attempting to get under the desk where he hides always makes his job a lot more exciting, but tonight he just really wanted to watch his favorite TV show and sleep until ten o’clock pm. 

Sixteen hours of sleep. One of the greatest choices ever made by Eggs Benedict. 

“Heya Baby! How are you today!” the mechanic greets. She doesn’t answer though and the man flickers on the light, cursing when it still doesn’t illuminate Baby’s stage so he can actually see if she’s there or not. 

Or, if said area was a cliff... 

“Great job Circus Baby! We knew we could count on you,” HandUnit announces. The blonde man let’s out a breath at not having to fend off any of the little bidybads who just love to torture him on certain nights, but he wished Baby would talk to him more. 

Out of all of the animatronics, Baby was more like HandUnit. She would speak if she wanted to, but if Eggs said anything or simply greet her, she would never return the words. It got irritating to say the least, especially when he didn’t know why she didn’t like him. 

Or maybe that’s how she always was. He'd much rather if she wasn't such a little bitch about it, though. 

“Please leave using the vent behind you, and we will see you tomorrow.” 

“Alright then. See you tomorrow Baby!” With that he ducks down to shimmy back to the center module, jumping to a stand with a bright smile. “See you guys tomorrow! Don’t get into trouble without me!” 

“See you again, Mr. Benedict,” Ballora smiles. Eggs returns it in full and ducks down to crawl back into the vents leading into the elevator. 

Problem was, the goddamn vent was closed. 

“Uh, Handy? What’s up with the, you know? Vent to go home?” 

“There seems to be a power malfunction that is affecting our ability to allow you to leave. Please stand by while I reboot the systems.” 

“WHAT!” 

“What’s wrong Eggs?” FuntimeFoxy questions, the sound of her approaching the glass alerting the human she was watching with curiosity. 

“Oh! I, uh, just left something back in Ballora’s auditorium. I’ll need to grab it,” Eggs responds, swallowing thickly when he realizes he has to go into her room. And after that, straight into Freddy’s. 

Now don't get him wrong, he loves the animatronics. Half his life building machines he's learned to treat them kindly and respect them, especially with how advanced the one's owned by William Afton himself. 

He might not think they're alive, necessarily, but he held them in a place in his heart and shocked himself whenever he has to administer a shock to them. The thing is, he only has that kind of 'love' and 'compassion' when they’re behind glass. As soon as that’s gone though, all the respect he's earned is out the window, him only being a new target ripe for the killing. 

Fuck whatever everyone else said of ‘being completely safe'. FuntimeFreddy personally told him Eggs wouldn't see the light of day in the coming week. 

“Can you leave something in here too!” the fox questions, tail wagging happily. 

...he's going to pretend it's because she doesn't want to kill him. As much as a lie that seemed. 

But he couldn't break her whatever-is-a-heart-to-them. “Maybe tomorrow, Foxster.” 

“Okay!” With that she leaves, but it doesn’t make Eggs feel any better. 

FuntimeFoxy was harder than Ballora to stay away from, her movements of attacking easily triggered if he shines the light too much or too less at the wrong time. Compared to the ballerina animatronic only activated by sound, the fox animatronic was a little bitch. 

“Thank you for your patience, it seems the power system-” 

“FUCK YOU!” For once the HandUnit falls silent, leaving without a shock as Eggs shuffles toward Ballora’s gallery vent. 

“Fuck me!" 

Without another word, and of course without a reassurance the ballerina animatronic will not hurt him in any way, the mechanic disappeared into the vent, crawling into the darkness with nothing more than a flashlight and a bitching little HandUnit. 

"Fuck, me." 

___________________________________________________

Fun Fact: FuntimeFoxy requesting the nose made is the one JackSepticEye loves to make every single time he’s in the main room when he recorded himself playing ‘Sister Location’. Cracked us up every time he made the motion along with it.