#i cant do work anymore i just fucking cannot
Text
🍷
#im in such a bad and low mood :<#it's not just my period hormones 🥴#my wireless headphones worked fine all of yesterday and today when i wake up they're blinking#they're liked fucked up... i turn them off but they constantly turn themselves back on. when i connect them to my ipad they constantly#keep disconnecting and shutting off and turning on 🙃 it makes me so angry bc i need to wear them basically all the time#bc all the noise from neighbors and my family and outside is driving me crazy#but they just dont work anymore?? plus i cant afford new ones... esp now which brings me to my next point#bc of my mom having troubles w school and loans and work etc she was like yeah u guys might have to pay for me this summer so we'll be#proper poor 😄 she doesnt WANT that either but it just sucks bc i got $300 every month and i can barely afford anything as is#yeah so there is no chance of me buying new headphones until at least august or september ......#then im annoyed bc my sisters are passive aggressive 24/7 and hate my existence and my mom is depressed lol#and i have no one to talk to or be with. it's summer and i wanna do stuff but i just dont wanna do it alone lmao#and then im just sad bc of many things.....#also i hate myself bc im a loser failure piece of shit but like yeah that's normal for me to feel#i just hate everything and it's so hard to endure this lame ass existence skskskskks#why cant ANYTHING be good ever in my life??#i am garbage and im surrounded by bad things lmao... anyways can i just stop breathing now pls#and it's not just a 'tiny' thing like my headphones not working like it might seem to others#but when u live a life where NOTHING is good or NOTHING works everything just piles on#ppl dont seem to understand that normally bc most ppl have some good things in their lives#so they just cannot comprehend what it's like when nothing works on any level in your life lok#ofc im depressed ofc im angry and bitter and dejected. i have no good things or moments at all in my life. that tears u down#i mean ofc i could be living in an active warzone and that'd be .. pretty awful i can imagine. but yeah... my situation is still not ideal#like i mean i do actually try to practice gratitude of having a roof over my head my own room water in the pipes and food so i dont starve#i am thankful for that bc many ppl dont even have that#i still feel depressed tho <3#idk what im talking abt now i just feel SO bad and i have no one to talk to#i have nothing to do... no help no treatment... everyone hates me and wants me dead......#why should i fight when no one cares abt me anyway... well.. i mean i do wanna experience more nature but like idk#im just so exhausted... why cant i ever have smth good in my life that also dont go away after a short while lol
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
as badly as i want to avoid my mom she is making it extremely difficult
#i feel really bad that im so angry at her and she doesnt even know it#but my entire living situation is making me miserable right now and its her fault#she charges me $50 in rent every week and shes increasing it to $125 a week at the end of the month#the only reason this is happening is because she FORCED ME to drop out and the only other alternative was that i had to work full time + pa#rent.............. but like at my job even if im working 40 hrs a week ill only be making abt $900 a month#so i will barely have anything leftover for myself after rent#and i cannot get a second job bc i frankly can not handle it at all + what hours would i even work#and my mom refuses to understand that the reason i had to drop out is bc i am so depressed and so suicidal and i just dont want to live#she doesnt acknowledge that im disabled and severely mentally ill#every time i try to talk about my mental health she treats me like im such a burden to her even though i literally never tell her anything#personal anymore bc she just doesnt listen or care#ALSO she FORCED ME to move across the country and transfer schools when i really did not want (hence why i flunked all of my classes bc i d#not care) but like. everything thats wrong in my life rn is bc i do not want ot live where im living and theres no way for me to go back to#texas and also i dont rly wanna live w my dad either#but anyways. this whole situation would be better if my mom was using me paying rent as an actual lesson in adult respinsibility#but it's really just a punishment because i cant function the way she wants me to#and im over it#so fucking over it why am i such a pussy why cant i just die
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
"Just go over and ask to join a group, it's as simple as that!" Actually no it isn't I've been crying about it for like 2 hours.
#love when im the only one in class without a partner for group work#genuinely like in the top 5 worst feelings imo#its not really a big deal. but it is to me. and it wasnt just “i dont have a partner”#it was “my only friend in this class picked a girl shes known for 4 days over me even though weve been friends since middle school”#love being autistic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cannot fucking waut until high school is over.#this year has been good so far but i think this specific class is ruined for me.#i need to talk to my teacher because i cant keep having this happen.#like i think this is genuinely trauma for me because ive been experiencing this my whole life and i just cant fucking do it anymore.#id rather do 5 peoples worth of work by myself than work in a group#not exaggerating with the trauma thing. it goes way deeper than i can/would like to explain. but believe me.#ngl the interaction w/ my teacher was a little funny.#like im glad it doesnt seem like a big deal to you mr adult man.#but me personally i just felt a part of my soul being crushed. so..
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
📓🦇
#honestlyyyu#life without him is so boring....#idk... just imagining my life without him makes me feel bored lol#i want to be with him i think ...#but it is difficult bc we live on two different continents#and relationships between nations are difficult bc you're not allowed to just move anywhere lol#idk how it could work#plus ... also he's 20+ years older than me.. to me it isnt an issue more than#1) he wont live as long as me (if we both die of old age that is lol)#2) everyone are very judgemental and even if both of us mainly want to just have us and not any social circles#it will be hard.. and how am i supposed to tell my mom....?#the thing with that is hard because of my avpd.. im not normal#i never will be. even if i like met a guy my age now in school and we started dating i wouldnt want to tell me my mom#i cant explain how i feel to normal ppl but yeah... im just someone who wants to live isolated to myself#i dont want to be like yeah hi mom heres my bf who i fuck and love and now lets go for family dinner woooop#idk ... i could never. i just cannot do that normal life.#so then its like.. it isnt purely bc im 'ashamed' of him and the age gap#im just someone who feels shame about everything.... so i wouldnt wanna tell my mom anyway#but then it feels like im 'betraying' her. if i move away to another country to be happy on my own#and she wont even ever get to meet my bf or hear abt him... i'll get married (bc of convenience) and she wont know#that feels bad.. like im hurting her. but i know in my heart that even if i met a bf my own age here#i would NEVER want a wedding. my avpd.. im not a normal functioning person.. i'd want just me and the other person there. not infront of my#family... idk i just cant do normal life things..#maybe sometimes i dream abt having a few friends and being cared for. but that is a DREAM#theres no way of knowing if i'd ever find ppl like that. im also very different and cant connect to basically anyone i meet fkn EVER!!!!!#he's the only one i've ever met that im this compatible with.. and he is real. and i know him. should i let go of him just for ppl i havent#even met? who i might never even meet? bc yeah the thing is that with him we wouldnt have a conventional life. it'd be just us#and thats not really a bad thing. its just that w my avpd i never know what i really want bc i want smth but when it gets real#and i can actually have it suddenly i dont anymore. and i want the other thing i didnt want before...#so i have sm fears.. what if i choose him but then will never get that comfortable job in a cozy school and my own apartment
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
dragged my hand over my bedsheet snd it sounded weird so i turned on my flash light to see if there was like. fucking plastic or smth there idk. but it was just the sound of my leathery eczema hand skin against the fabric. what if i killed myself
#makes the same sound as my nails on the sheets except louder. i feel crazy#ive rlly had it with the hand eczema i cannot do it anymore i just keeps comign back and spreading i CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE#hot summer weather makes it flare up and then its uncomfortable to wear my gloves to bed cuz its hot#cold winter weather ALSO makes it flare up#dry skin makes it flare up. wet skin makes it flare up. allergies make it flare. stress makes it flare.#my topical steroids arent working lately#BRO I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE 😂😂😂😂😂#every time it heals the skin gets a lil thicker and after years of this my fingers on my worst hand look weird as fuck#it cant just heal and go away its gotta leave its mark that way too like MAN WHAT THE FUCK#x
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
maybe now that i have adhd meds i can attempt Language again
#i mean ok i had them before but different ones & they didnt work. but i think what im on now is what i was on in hs & those Did work#(& then i stopped bc i was like well i am not in school anymore i dont need these. & then. i moved out. and oops i do need them actually)#(unfortunately due to the adhd & also my medical records having gone fucking missing somehow(???) it um. took a while)#but ough i must learn words......... i just need to Actually set aside time for it . and like keep a fucking notebook im not making the#mistake i made with french where i start out like oh this is easy :) & then it gets harder but i havent been taking any notes & now idk How#& so i just give up. we are not doing that this time we are taking notes From The Start and figuring out what works .#but...... probably not this month. this month is Busy. maybe august..........#thats actually a little bit of a lie bc i Have already started theres a podcast w some basics that i have on my work mp3 player#buuuut its been a minute & also Because i only listen to it at work im not really able to pick up on everything. so im basically still#kind of starting from scratch lmao.#honestly my biggest complaint w the podcast is that like. while it does have a sheet w the translations it doesnt have Pronunciation & bc i#have auditory processing issues i cant actually figure out How they are saying certain words just by hearing them.... bc i dont know that im#actually hearing them Correctly. fucking cannot identify sounds disorder killing me over here#doesnt help that its a language where pronunciation is Quite Different than english lmao......#i did find a pronunciation cheat sheet online somewhere & i . bookmarked it? downloaded it? sent myself a link on discord? fuck idr#but i also dont know if theres significant differences in dialect between the two. idk what dialect the cheat sheet was even made.. for? in?#whatever ykwim its 6:30am i need to sleep
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
me when people have no peoblem drawing white people tan but then draw actual darker skinned people as white….. WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP FUCKING SAYING THIIIIIIIIIIIS!!! DRAW WHITE PEOPLE AS WHITE AND POC AS POC
#u guys: im so tired of hearing this#me and creed: imagine how tired we are. imagine how tired we are of it.#PLEAAAAAASEEEEE I FUCKING BEG YOUUUUUUUUU#im this close to never opening social media again it literally gives me psychological damage#i see white altaïr and brown ezio i want to SCREAM AND CRY#deadass saw brown haytham and white connor once. words cannot describe how disappointed i was.#WHAT IS IT WITH SOME ARTISTS AND JUST. SWAPPING THE ROLES#pls reflect on ur works i beg u i cant do this anymore#number 1 racism hater natasha#assassin’s creed#altaïr ibn la'ahad#ezio auditore#connor kenway#haytham kenway
56 notes
·
View notes
Text
tumblr stop trying to copy twitter and for the love of god please improve your tagging system i just want to find A Post using keywords i know should work
#snap chats#stop making me comb through hundreds of asks of people calling my faves mid or assholes and me being cringe in responses#absolutely doing tremendous amounts of mental damage to me#anyway no i was trying to find that post of me comparing aoki's face to sawashiro and ikumi's#since i forgot i wanted to link that in my Face Studies Ask response#but alas. I Cannot Find It so i guess i shouldnt be TOO mad i posted that ask early ???#or. 'early'. whatever we know what i mean#ive already revised it like five times since posting it LMAO I JUST KEPT CATCHING THINGS#im not touching it anymore though i promise whatever i wrote we're just gonna have to deal sorry everyone#back on topic though i tried looking through every reasonable tag and keyword that shouldve worked and Yeah No Dice#if anyone finds that post. i cant promise any reward but i will say thank you with a lot of exclamation points#cause i do like that post i made...... as it does tackle one of my fave topics....#ok im sleepy and i am Probably streaming tomorrow so bye bye#guaranteed sneaking in a few routes of shadow the hedgehog in the morn..#dont worry i have a lil rgg drawing planned :] nothing major or. spectacular. just drawing daigo for the first time in a thousand years#was given a vision while laying on the couch watching my bro play shantae...#ok bye fr now jesus fucking christ i always dO THIS--
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
genuinely starting to think i would rather be homeless than have to continue dealing w my insurance :/
#this has been an original post#personal spewage#i just. i cant#i cant do it anymore#tried to work up the idk tolerance for bullshit to respond to their latest email. reread it. instantly closed the whole window lol#they want things from me that i just. cannot provite#like a “prognosis”#and an “expected return to work date”#like#idk man#mental illnesses dont quite work like the cold or a broken leg yknow#theres not like. a schedule#also my dr is just generally v uhhhh hands off?#idk if its just bc i havent been requesting anything else or what#but hes p much just been prescribing meds/tweaking dosages n thats it?#which. it sounds like they think he should be Doing More#and idk#maybe he should#but fuck#why am i the one who has to tell my dr how to treat me#how am i supposed to know what needs to happen#anyway#i think all of this was a mistake#every single thing#except therapy#i just want. to sleep.#im so tired
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
I dont care about majima x sagawa btw but i care a lot about their relationship regardless because i want them to have the most toxic dealings and skewed power dynamics with each other as possible and i them both to have increasingly warped perceptions of each other (worlds most incorrect uncle-nephew relationship)
#Listen to my problems#sagawas like majima chan i bought pudding for you since chewing is hard right now and majimas like (muffled) can you kill yourself . and#sagawa is like (laughs) keep up that tone and ill break your jaw again#like obviously sagawa isnt doing charity work putting majima back on his feet because majima has to pull his own weight too but over time#majima became less of an ‘investment’ and more like his hotheaded young apprentice / nephew who is really smart (sagawas very proud of him)#but also doesnt know anything good for himself because hes an idiot and sagawa needs to do everything for him sometimes or he’ll pull the#most ASININE stunts imaginable. like kid i do Good by you and you do the same for me as long as you keep your head down and run the grand.#he cannot fathom why majima wants to claw his way back into the tojo because sagawa Knows shimano and he Knows that shimano is bad news and#will definitely send majima into the jaws of death over and over and seriously what a WASTE of good talent !!! unfortunately majima is the#same type of stupid as his oath brother but it doesnt mean he wants to see the kid get himself killed (wise words from a man who got himself#killed) | and majima ... it was not difficult to start going crazy about sagawa at first sight because he just came out of a very violent#place where every touch meant more torture and pain then suddenly hes being put in the capable hands of a man whos like a fucking angel#sagawa feeds clothes and bathes him and majima cant help but act like being cared for is the worst thing thats ever happened to him theres#too much touching and hes completely dependent on sagawa who checks his weight daily and changes his bandages and cleans his leaky infected#eye and he wants nothing more than to be left alone but he cant do anything by himself and hes too devastated to be grateful. its gross !!#and whenever he inevitably breaks the hell down sagawa is always there to hold and comfort him and what the hell else can he do but seek#comfort in the only person that ‘cares’ about him when sagawa is so good at pretending ... is he pretending ? who gives a fuck anymore man#sagawas punishment and comfort all in one ... hes a means to an end .. hes majimas caretaker and his gaoler. the guy who knows everything#about him and the one who’ll use every last bit of it against him oh god wait#this is just isabelle and emma damnit damnit im gonna go read purromised neverland again
16 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#i think ive hit my breaking point#3 missing assignments in my ap envirosci class#brings my grade down to a 66 ://#im gonna fucking lose it oh my god#it's fine bc i can turn it in late and hope my teacher takes pity on me#but . oh i want to strangle myself for forgetting to turn it in#i am not a freshman anymore !! fucking christ i need to get my shit together !!!#also . near tears because of precalc again#teacher assigned us homework and i Cannot figure out the last 6 problems#want to bash my head in bc i dont get it#im supposed to be smart istg#oh And i have my debate guide + art history notes that im behind on#ok . first thing i need to turn all my late work in#i do not have energy to care i just . cant have a zero in for my labs#gonna do that when i get to school and pray i dont cry in class#gotta finish my debate guide tn and then attempt some notes in the morning#Fuck why do i keep putting myself in this position#hey if any of yall have read this far into my vent post please send words of encouragement#D.vents
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
i think if i dont get a new job soon i am going to kill myself
#like im making absolute dirt shit money i cant save up even w/ over time and ive been fucking my health into the ground#to the point where im on MEDS for STRESS to cure my fucking STOMACH PROBLEMS#like. i cant digest food bc of STRESS. that is fucking insane i make minimum wage#i just need a normal 9 to 5 with weekends off how does every other adult manage that do those even exist anymore#where are all these $20/hr jobs old people complain about i dont see them#like i cant go back to school bc its awful and people are awful but work is so much worse#the assistant manager came into my twitch chat to talk about work how did i even get in that situation.#why would anyone think thats acceptable or okay#why does a 40 y/o man think im his best friend kill me kill me right now i am in hell#every day is just so fucking uncomfortable and disgusting my customers are disgusting and creepy#i am a fucking 20 year old get the fuck away from me#why cant i just be like a bank teller or smth and make enough money to move out of this god forsaken state in like a year#i dont even have my own life i have so much stuff and never do anything with it bc im always working or tired from working#i dont think bank tellers have to deal with crackheads screaming at them and calling the police bc they cant login to google#or not having a work schedule for a month bc the district manager just cannot be bothered#i think its a great job for normal people that arent constantly too high off their ass to hold a conversation#definitely wont have the same problems i do now itd be new problems#like passive aggressive 30 y/o women drama#be a nice change of pace
1 note
·
View note
Text
I hear you that we have to repair clothes but consider : darning sucks
#totes bro#i have a pile of clothes that need fixed and the ones that do not move need darned#just saw a post about learning to sew and no one darns anymore#and.......there are reasons#i think one reason sewers dont like darning is because to sew and fit clothes you are usually a bit of a perfectionist#and darning will always be imperfect#i do think that if other people didn't see darning as an imperfection or slumpyness i would be much more motivated#but the second i have a patch or something darned i cannot wear it to work#and if i cant wear it to work im not going to wear it because i only own this style of clothes for work#i literally have a skirt that i have spent 20 hours of my life hand sewing but i wont darn it#its not about how much i value clothes its about how i fucking hate darning
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
the mentally ill anguish of not wanting to keep hurting people and being a judgmental asshole but also not wanting to turn into a robot and slowly destroy my health with meds
#mentally ill#meds#meds are important for a lot of things but I just really don't like the way it makes me feel#but then I feel like an asshole if people tell me to take meds so im not abusive#I wanted to prove I can do it myself#and I probably can once I get more land and good crops from good soil#magnesium deficiency is a huge cause for anxiety#hangry#I really just need vitamins and protein and minerals#but there's not a lot of that in modern food#I want to just hang in there until I reach that place#but how many more times am I gonna fuck up before then?#every time I have an issue it just becomes a bigger threat on my mind that I cannot improve myself and I really do just need to shut up and#medicate myself until I cant think anymore#although I have been improving#tbh today's problems were caused by lack of sleep and food#I really have been getting better at preventing issues but not really#im getting better at hiding discomfort#but I should work more on calming down in the moment#first world problems#boohoo me and my miserable little mind#I feel so ungrateful but I also know that's not what I mean#I am lucky to have a family that didn't split#it was still painful to see how little they got along#but the stability is definitely a privilege#im an entitled piece of shit#no but im still kinda sad
0 notes
Text
I should not have been taught so badly for 3 years that i genuinely have to google how to find job postings in my field. "Get a degree!! Get a degree!!" for why. To be laughed at by out of touch tutors and not taught anything? It's certainly not going to help me get a job because i CANT FIND THEM. "People will see you went here and that will give you credibility." Will it roderick. Because I now know not to trust a motherfucker who went here 💀
#rangnar rambles#taught by people who have not ever had to get into the industry in this state. dont know how to use computers. and (i cannot stress this#enough) DID NOT TEACH ME ANYTHING#I GET MY 27K PIECE OF PAPER IN 2 WEEKS AND YOU CANT TAKE IT FROM ME. SO CAN I GET SOME CONTACTS OR SM#but no yeah im so normal and glad i spent my time like this#WHAT DID I SPEND THREE YEARS OF MY LIFE DOING#if youre going to study illustration in the uk just go to falmouth. i dont go there but anywheres better than here#if [REDACTED] has no haters i am dead and have been ejected from the universe#if i could go back in time id do maths at a level and become a fucking accountant jesus christ#i had a tutor last year who used to do coke and got paid 15k to sit in front of a camera doing nothing by a mate in LA#the same guy our year got fired for being incompetent and aggressive when you asked for help (like. his fucking job)#AND HIS GIRLFRIEND. who was also a tutor and MORE INCOMPETENT#i had one tutor the whole course who had my back i love you jeremy i hope you finally get to retire and stop having to run FOUR COURSES#only man who actually had us do drawing exercises and taught us (in SECOND YEAR) how to draw perspective#so many people got to final semester and suddenly got failed bc tutors were lying to our faces about the quality of our work and not giving#accurate crit. how humiliating is that for everyone involved??#you dont want to tell us our work is shit until the grades are coming out?? and ur shocked when you havent taught anyone anything?? be so fr#it was like they were always shocked that we wanted direction and advice and our feedback was always met with 'well in the 80s there was a#big push for thia kind of open loosey goosey art course' its not the 80s anymore and students have been complainging for a decade#management would 'take on board' criticism and then bank on us all being gone in 3 years so they wouldnt have to actually do anything#all while taking our money and shutting down the entire humanities section of the uni#*actively wating wires* anyway no yeah im soo glad i spent my time like this at least i got a girlfriend i GUESS
1 note
·
View note
Text
.
#delayed Frontal Processing has me being pissed off w an ex bff#bc she cant ficking liaten to me nor respect Anything i ever fucking ask or say#and im over it.#she sent me a mssg abt troye con n all i did was fucming groan n go “fuck off.” like i cannot stand her anymore?????#its kne thing to . forget shit abt my life its another to completely disregard something ivw said to you 100x#only for u to follow it up with 'so when are u coming down?' like never???? i Just Told you i cannot afford nor do i even fucking want to#waste my money and time off on a trip to a city i dont even wanna visit.#either we go halvsies in ur trip up here for my birthday or u drop thenfucking subject. ans you couldnt do Either kf those ! so fuck off !#just mad n all i wanna do is vlock her lol . like im so tired of hearing from her. bc no u dont miss me.#u just wamma use me as a therapist lmao. u habe no interest in my life apart from whats goin on w my ex#and even then . i sont think tbats genuine interest i think ur wishinf on it to fail or not work Ever#god. shes a shitty fucming friend . through and through .#idc if ur going through shit. this isnt the 2st time ice cslled u out on yr bullshit and nothing has chsnged im so done lmao.#grow up. how are u 24yrs of age and still ao sheltered and selfish
0 notes
Last Seen Blogs
sarsignssaskato-blog
Untitled
giantmexican
que
pendras
(ಥ⌣ಥ)/ you fool
moulikfabrics-blog
Untitled
rosianebettecher30-blog
Sentido Desnorteado