#i could just go buy wine & beer & just get trashed & watch youtube

[bibleofficial]

getting bitched at for being on crutches, getting bitched at for being in a wheelchair - or NOT in a wheelchair - getting bitched at for WALKING TOO SLOW ON A CANE like my family needs to fuck off and leave me ALONE

[lifewithoutmeds]

july 17, 2023

quick recap of last 10 days: saturday, july 8: brunch with amy. cried. facetime therapy with kelda. cried. lorena’s bday surprise. held it together. reyna was kind enough to invite me and 7 of her friends/plus ones and we surprised lorena for her bday/welcome home at a localish bar. i held back tears but tried to engage as much as i could. limited success.

friday, july 9: dinner with steven. we cooked meats; he was particularly fond of the pork jowl, thankfully, as i had a whole package of it. he brought some soju and some other plum wine drink and he listened to me cry and was a good friend and promised that we’d see each other on wednesdays when we were both in office.  sunday, july 10: considered going to church but then just slept and stared at my phone all day. tuesday, july 11: met up lorena at BJ’s for some happy hour beers and mini pizza. saw my waitress crush. cried a little.

saturday, july 15: managed to leave the condo to go hang out with amy at her house for a few hours, maybe like 1:10pm-4:30pm. we caught up and i tried to engage with her kids but they’re kinda tiring and didn’t seem particularly interested in engaging with me either. left to go to the pacoima costco where i got gas, toilet paper, eggs, and bottled water, and had my toilet paper and eggs stolen out of my cart while i put condiments on my hotdog. costco quickly replenished my stolen goods when notified, but it made me pretty sad and disappointed with the state of the world. sunday, july 16: slept for 12 hours. stared at my phone for 12 hours. ate a frozen pizza and then puked up some of it at night. monday, july 17: tiny tiny steps. texted amy and tracy throughout the day. chatted with lana for a bit on teams. tried to do a little work. did a few loads of dishes, and took out some trash and recycling. was able to walk to ralphs and buy a few items: items for cauliflower dip, a gallon of vinegar so i can clean some things. an onion. made some cauliflower dip, rinsed the cauliflower, and ate some cauliflower (health). also talked to rhiannon for a bit as we laid out our camping plans (for this friday-sunday), read a chapter in my book on borderline personality disorder, and now am journaling, so today was my most productive day in a week.

it’s such a weird sensation to feel ... so heavy, so unmotivated, so listless, so bored. the only thing i kinda appreciate is eating. like i enjoy craving a food and then thinking of how i can like satisfy said craving. i went back and forth with tracy last week on pizzas, and really considered going someplace to satisfy my desire for pizza, but laziness and cheapness caught up with me so i ended up getting two reduced/clearance frozen pizzas at ralphs and eating them over the next three days and they were gross and made me feel terrible. but sometimes i’ll think mm, prime rib sounds good. hwedupbap sounds good. i haven’t gotten as far as acquiring said foods, but it’s nice to at least have desire, in any form.

another weird thing is how i’ve gotten so addicted to my phone, even though nothing in/on my phone particularly entertains me. but it’s like i can’t tear my eyes away. FORTUNATELY i’ve stopped watching police body cam and otherwise shaming videos on the youtube and started watching more “Try Guys” and like the hot wings eating challenges. i find myself watching a lot of clips from The Office, Parks and Rec, Friends, the Big Bang Theory, and weirdly Young Sheldon (all this just pops up on facebook and i just watch.) i guess it’s a positive development that at least my mind is gravitating more toward light things rather than the worst of humanity. i should be receiving my DVD’s this wednesday so i can more mindfully tune into my tv shows.

i feel like i’m at the bottom of a very big hill. a mountain, i guess. every step is hard and feels heavy and the mountain seems very big and unsurmountable and i kind of don’t quite get why i even have to climb it, but i do for some reason. i know i need to “do the work.” i know i need to figure this out, somehow, for some reason. i guess. finding motivation is hard. but every minute spent not staring at my phone i guess is a tiny tiny victory. i know that i need to stop sleeping away my problems and stop wasting away my life, but ... but it feels so hard. tracy asked today, whether i might not benefit from a healthy diet and exercise? granted, i can see how eating frozen pizzas and sleeping all day long would Not benefit me in the long run, but it’s just kinda wild how when you’re as depressed as i am, that literally feels like the only thing i’m capable of. and though i can understand conceptually how a walk might feel good, or getting groceries to make a nutritious meal might benefit me, it’s soooo stupidly hard to just get any momentum whatsoever.

i hope today was momentum. 

week ahead: tuesday: hoping to do a little laundry and gather up some items for the camping trip. wednesday: in office. thursday: happy hour with danielle friday - sunday: camping in french camp with rhiannon

i’m mildly dreading camping because it’s been so hot lately, and sometimes it’s hard to do things, like meal prep or clean up, and i’m a little nervous that i won’t have fun because of the way i’ve been feeling lately and i don’t want to sort of ruin one of the only things that’ve made me feel better in my life, but also, i’m telling myself that it’ll be good to be out in nature, to not stare at my phone, to focus on something outside of myself. i’ll bring a couple books and try to do some fishing. i hope it’ll be okay.

mood: 2.23

[lovemesomesurveys]

Is there a bus stop near your house?: Yeah.

Do you prefer red wine or white wine?: No whine. I don’t drink.

What’s the last airport you were at? Why were you there?: The one close to me to drop someone off.

Who do you live with?: My parents, younger bro, and doggo.

Do you read reddit? If so, how often and what subreddits do you like?: No.

Have you recently broken up with a significant other or even just a friend?: No.

What’s the weather like today? Is it nice enough to go outside?: It’s 86 F right now. 

Do you know anyone who’s had a baby recently?: No.

Have you used a pen or pencil today? What did you write down?: Nope.

What does your last text message say and who is it from?: I asked my bro if I could use his Amazon Prime and he replied, “sure.”

Can you count how many times you’ve seen your favourite film?: I have a lot of favorites, many of which I’ve seen countless times. Some of them are shown on TV often and I watch whenever I catch them on.

When was the last time you ate marshmallows?: With hot chocolate sometime earlier this year.

Do you listen to any podcasts? How do you listen to them?: No. There’s a lot that sound interesting, but I’m so lazy. Like for some reason it takes a lot for me to get started on something, even something as simple as a podcast. It’s the same way with TV shows. A few of my favorite TV shows I’ve discovered because someone put it on for me and got me to watch.

How old will you be in the year 2030?: 41. D: 

How often does the kettle in your house get used?: We don’t have one.

Does your skin bruise easily? Do you have any bruises right now? What from?: Not really.

What was the last thing you spent $150 or more on?: Bills.

Do you prefer yes or no questions or more open-ended questions?: Open-ended. I tend to avoid surveys that seem to be mostly questions that encourage one-word answers. What’s even the point? <<< Same. They get boring.

What brand of toilet paper do you usually buy?: Charmin.

If I knocked on your door right now, would you be acceptable dressed?: Yeah.

Why did you leave your last job?: I’ve never had one.

What colour were the last socks you wore?: Black.

Are you studying currently? What level of education and what do you study?: Nope. I graduated in 2015 with my BA in psych. I’m not pursuing anything higher. 

Have you ever eaten at a restaurant and left without paying?: No.

What was the last thing that made you laugh out loud?: The vlog I was watching earlier.

What’s your favourite scent of air freshener?: Minty, cinnamon, tropical/beachy ones.

How many weddings have you ever been to?: 3.

Do you know anyone named Nora?: No.

Are your hands and feet in good condition or could you do with a mani-pedi? My fingernails are a mess. When was the last time you played a board game? What did you play?: It was some time last year, I think. I think it was The Golden Girls Clue game my cousin brought over.

Have you ever been to a festival for beer or other type of alcohol?: No.

Do you own a record player and/or vinyls?: I have 1 record, no record player.

When was the last time you went out for drinks?: Like 6/7 years ago. Have you ever been to a strip club?: No.

What’s your favourite kind of smoothie?: Strawberry and banana or just banana. 

Do you know anyone with a ‘virtue name’? (Google it): Yes.

Would you ever wear real authentic leather?: Nah.

Have you taken out the trash today?: Not me, personally. My dad did, though. How often do you wear make-up?: Very rarely. Not at all this year so far I don’t think. If I did, it was at the beginning sometime. 

What’s your opinion on The Simpsons?: Not my thing.

Do you prefer horizontal or vertical stripes?: I don’t care.

What’s your favourite brand of deodorant/antiperspirant?: Secret.

Do you know anyone who has been through a divorce?: Yeah.

If you had the money, would you take taxis everywhere instead of driving?: No.

Have you ever done a juice cleanse?: Nope.

Do you have any friends who you can’t decide if they’re attractive or not?: That’s really shitty. Is the inside of your fridge clean right now or does it need a clean out?: My mom cleaned it out recently. 

When was the last time you washed the dishes?: I rinse off whatever I use, but I’m not the one who does the dishes. My mom or dad does.

Are there any magazines that you read on a regular basis?: Nope. I haven’t read a magazine in years.

Do you have to pay for parking in most places in the town/city you live in?: I don’t.

What’s the first thing you tend to do when you have a headache?: Putting a cold wash cloth over my eyes helps a bit and then I just try and sleep it off. That’s all I can do.

Tell me about your responsibilities at work.: No job.

Can you hear lots of traffic from your house? Does it bother you?: I don’t hear any. I actually live near a freeway, but they built a soundproof wall several years ago. Have you ever had proper Canadian poutine with the squeaky cheese?: Nope. I’m intrigued by it, though. I think I’d like it.

Do your parents know how to operate smartphones and/or computers?: My mom uses her phone quite a bit for things like Facebook, Snapchat, and texting, so yeah she’s pretty good. She can use a computer, too. My dad uses his phone for stuff like Facebook, YouTube, and texting, but he’s not as savvy. He’s always asking my brother and I for help doing something. Especially not with a computer.

How old are your parents, anyway?: My mom is in her early 50s and my dad is in his late 50.

Are you allergic to anything? What do you have to do to prevent them?: Tangerines. I just avoid them.

What song is stuck in your head at the moment?: The theme song to Big Little Lies.

Do you hate it when people try really hard, or do you kinda like it?: It depends…? This is vague. <<< Like try really hard to be cool or funny or something like that? Then yes. Just stop. If they’re trying really hard to achieve something or do well on something, then no. Why would I hate that?

What’s your boss’ first name? Do you call him/her by that name?:

When was the last time you wore a uniform of any kind? What colour was it? I only had to wear a uniform for the preschool I went to. It was plaid.

Do you complete a survey before taking this one? Will you take one after?: Yeah I did. I’ll be taking more. Have you ever lost enough weight to drop a dress size?: I probably have.

What’s your favourite kind of bread?: White, wheat, or sourdough. 

When was the last time you got pizza? What toppings did you get?: A couple weeks ago. It was a creamy garlic sauce pizza with cheese (including feta), spinach, and meatballs. 

Do you own Monopoly? Is it the original or a special version?: We have a special version. It’s a fancy collector’s version.

What was the last thing you said out loud?: My mom just got home from work and we were talking.

You have to choose one: cats or dogs?: Dogs.

Would someone being either a cat or dog person effect you dating them?: No. It would affect me dating them if they didn’t like animals, though.

How do you travel to and from work?:

Do you primarily use cash or card for your purchases? Why?: Card. 

Have you ever been to a stadium concert?: Yep, those are the only kind I’ve been to.

[purplesurveys]

483

Is there a bus stop near your house?: No, buses don’t stop around my area and I only ever see them on EDSA, which is like the main highway of Metro Manila.

Do you prefer red wine or white wine?: I hate the shit out of wine but if I absolutely had to drink some, it has to be red. And it has to be more sweet than bitter.

What’s the last airport you were at? Why were you there?: NAIA. I’m literally at the Starbucks right across the airport right now because my mom is arriving from Hong Kong in an hour and I have to pick her up. 

Who do you live with?: I live with my family. That’s a mom, a dad, a brother, a sister, a cat, and a dog.

Do you read reddit? If so, how often and what subreddits do you like?: Yessssss all the time. I always browse through the Popular filter since it already compiles the best recent posts, but I’m a huge fan of the r/AmITheAsshole subreddit. People who turn out to be the assholes are hilaaaaarious.

Have you recently broken up with a significant other or even just a friend?: No. I ‘broke up’ with Aya as a friend when she was being abusive to Jo, but she’s since started working on getting better and has apologized to our friend group, so she’s back on my good side.

What’s the weather like today? Is it nice enough to go outside?: It’s 29ºC. I’m glad we’re not in the 30s, but I don’t appreciate how warm it still is.

Do you know anyone who’s had a baby recently?: As far as I know, no.

Have you used a pen or pencil today? What did you write down?: [continued from earlier because I had to pick my mom up lmao] Yes, I used a pen today. It was to write my name on a requirement that I needed to submit to complete my class.

What does your last text message say and who is it from?: "Can I call?” from my girlfriend.

Can you count how many times you’ve seen your favourite film?: Must be near a hundred. I talked about this in a recent survey but there was a time I watched Two for the Road everyday for like 2-3 months. I still make it a point to watch it several times a year. 

When was the last time you ate marshmallows?: I have no idea. I don’t like marshmallows; I’ve always hated the texture.

Do you listen to any podcasts? How do you listen to them?: Uhhh no, not really. If I REALLY REALLY like the guest, I’ll sometimes listen to Colt Cabana’s Art of Wrestling or Chris Jericho’s Talk is Jericho. But other than that, I’d rather watch YouTube videos.

How old will you be in the year 2030?: 32.

How often does the kettle in your house get used?: My mom never got one.

Does your skin bruise easily? Do you have any bruises right now? What from?: Yep, super. I don’t have a bruise right now but I do have a mysterious cut below my right knee. Have absolutely no idea where it came from, but apparently whatever cut it cut it deep and it hurts.

What was the last thing you spent $150 or more on?: I’ve never spent that amount of money on anything.

Do you prefer yes or no questions or more open-ended questions?: Open-ended. If I sense that a survey is becoming too yes-or-no I usually quit it halfway; it’s too boring.

What brand of toilet paper do you usually buy?: My mom buys the toiletries so I’m not aware of what brands she gets.

If I knocked on your door right now, would you be acceptable dressed?: Yes. I just got home and haven’t changed out of my jumpsuit.

Why did you leave your last job?: Never had one.

What colour were the last socks you wore?: It’s like a faded green.

Are you studying currently? What level of education and what do you study?: Yep! I’m an incoming senior in my BA in Journalism.

Have you ever eaten at a restaurant and left without paying?: No, that’s terrible.

What was the last thing that made you laugh out loud?: Probably something from Buzzfeed Unsolved cause I’ve been rewatching it lately.

What’s your favourite scent of air freshener?: Meh, I prefer the natural car smell. Scents make me dizzy.

How many weddings have you ever been to?: Four, I think. All of those when I was a kid; I haven’t been to a wedding since 2007.

Do you know anyone named Nora?: I don’t think so.

Are your hands and feet in good condition or could you do with a mani-pedi? My fingernails can be trimmed, but it’s not like a mess or anything. When was the last time you played a board game? What did you play?: We played a math version of Scrabble when we stayed over at Laurice’s house. I’ve never seen a game like it before lmfaaaaao it was so intense.

Have you ever been to a festival for beer or other type of alcohol?: Nope. I don’t think that would be my kind of scene, either.

Do you own a record player and/or vinyls?: I don’t have a record player so I don’t have vinyls.

When was the last time you went out for drinks?: Third week of May. Have you ever been to a strip club?: NO I really want to go to one though.

What’s your favourite kind of smoothie?: I don’t take smoothies.

Do you know anyone with a ‘virtue name’? (Google it): Hmm I don’t think so, but I know someone who wants to name their kid Prudence.

Would you ever wear real authentic leather?: Never.

Have you taken out the trash today?: Nope, I don’t do that around the house. How often do you wear make-up?: Very seldom. I had my face made up several times over the last few months because Kate sometimes gets bored and she’d want to give me a makeover, but other than that, I rarely get my face done for events.

What’s your opinion on The Simpsons?: I have a very soft spot for that episode where Homer sits on the hood of his car and looks at the stars after he separated from his mom. I don’t keep track of the rest of the show.

Do you prefer horizontal or vertical stripes?: Horizontal. I don’t think I’ve ever worn vertical ones before.

What’s your favourite brand of deodorant/antiperspirant?: I don’t have a favorite.

Do you know anyone who has been through a divorce?: No. We don’t have divorce in the Philippines. So it’s not because all the couples I know are staying strong – it’s literally because no one is allowed to divorce by law.

If you had the money, would you take taxis everywhere instead of driving?: No, taxi drivers can be creepy. I’d rather drive by myself.

Have you ever done a juice cleanse?: Nope. I don’t need it.

Do you have any friends who you can’t decide if they’re attractive or not?: HAHAHAHAHA WTF, that’s so messed up and such a shitty thing to do. Is the inside of your fridge clean right now or does it need a clean out?: It’s always clean. My mom doesn’t let any spot in the house go messy for long.

When was the last time you washed the dishes?: This morning before I left the house.

Are there any magazines that you read on a regular basis?: Nope, I haven’t read one in months.

Do you have to pay for parking in most places in the town/city you live in?: No, not in Antipolo. That’s why I love it here. Once I get to the city though we do have to pay for everything, yes.

What’s the first thing you tend to do when you have a headache?: Take a Biogesic. Takes it out immediately.

Tell me about your responsibilities at work.: I don’t have a legit job yet, but at my latest internship I did news monitoring, press releases, research, and made briefing forms for the media.

Can you hear lots of traffic from your house? Does it bother you?: No. I live in a gated subdivision so it is very quiet here. Have you ever had proper Canadian poutine with the squeaky cheese?: I have never tried poutine, what a damn shame. I wish I can encounter a restaurant that serves it cause it looks SO GOOD. Canadian cuisine is not very prominent here though so idk when I can ever get an authentic serving of poutine :(

Do your parents know how to operate smartphones and/or computers?: My dad is very techy, more so than me. My mom uses her phone for her Facebook and camera and nothing else. She still asks me to Google stuff for her even if her Chrome app is right beside Facebook.

How old are your parents, anyway?: My mom and dad are both 1971 babies so they are turning 48 this year.

Are you allergic to anything? What do you have to do to prevent them?: No. My skin can get very allergic to the environment (especially if it’s humid), but it’s not an allergy or anything.

What song is stuck in your head at the moment?: I haven’t been thinking of a song.

Do you hate it when people try really hard, or do you kinda like it?: Idk how to feel about them...like sometimes I’d think it’s hilarious but other times I’d feel sorry and just cringe. But I’m certain I don’t hate it.

What’s your boss’ first name? Do you call him/her by that name?: My boss at internship is named Dessa. I call her that but I address her with Ms. before her name too so that it’s respectful.

When was the last time you wore a uniform of any kind? What colour was it? I wore my old school uniform last year for funsies because I spotted it in our storage closet and felt a little nostalgic. No reason to wear it, just wanted to mess around. The blouse ws white, the necktie and skirt are plaid.

Do you complete a survey before taking this one? Will you take one after?: No. After this, I’m torn among a) getting a midnight snack, b) taking another survey, and c) watching RuPaul’s Drag Race since I started getting into it last night, hahaha. Have you ever lost enough weight to drop a dress size?: I probably have, except I wasn’t actively trying to achieve that.

What’s your favourite kind of bread?: White and brioche.

When was the last time you got pizza? What toppings did you get?: Last Thursday. We got a cheese pizza and a barbecue chicken pizza.

Do you own Monopoly? Is it the original or a special version?: We don’t. I don’t know how to play Monopoly haha it always seemed just so boring to me.

What was the last thing you said out loud?: "Whatcha doing?”

You have to choose one: cats or dogs?: Dogs.

Would someone being either a cat or dog person affect you dating them?: It probably would. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who wants to own a cat with me. I love cats but I would never want them as a pet.

How do you travel to and from work?: I drive myself always. I don’t work yet, though.

Do you primarily use cash or card for your purchases? Why?: Cash, because I don’t have a card.

Have you ever been to a stadium concert?: I’ve been to arena concerts, if they mean the same thing lmao.