#i could write essays about how obsessed i am with her as evelyn and how i am already so into all the changes they've made

[smolvenger]

hiii could you please write a one-shot with loki where the reader is curvy/plus sized. they are starks adopted child and feeling down bc of anxiety/stress of academics and feeling as if no one can love them, and loki is comforting them bc they secretly have a crush on the fierce reader, no smut but lots of fluff pleaseee

Hi there! Sorry for the Wait, but here it is! I am not plus-sized myself so special shout out to @muddyorbsblr advising me how to write it realistically and for the vibe checks!

My Goddess (Loki x curvy/plus-sized fem! reader oneshot)

Word Count: 2K

Summary: Amidst the pressures of school and your personal insecurities, you never expect your crush on the god of Mischief to be reciprocated...

Warnings: insecurity and school stuff and mentions of sex, but no smut. Some light angst and fluff!

A03//My Ko-Fi//My Etsy Shop//Masterlist//Wattpad

Taglist: @evelyn-kingsley @jennyggggrrr @five-miles-over @fictive-sl0th @ladycamillewrites @villainousshakespeare @holdmytesseract @eleniblue @twhxhck @lokisgoodgirl @lovelysizzlingbluebird @raqnarokr @holymultiplefandomsbatman @michelleleewise @wolfsmom1 @cheekyscamp @mochie85 @muddyorbsblr @fandxmslxt69

You didn’t know what the hell you were going to do. There was so much. When you gathered your things to go back home for fall break, half the things you brought were textbooks. There were essays and tests. You thought you would have a break from your classes. Apparently, in schools, there were only ever truly breaks on three occasions. Winter, Summer, and Death.  And you had no time. Classes consumed your time so much. Then all those assignments. You wanted so badly to get them done. At least you had mornings when you just woke up and couldn’t sleep. You tossed about, unable to drift off. The cafe would see you and already prepared the espresso you were about to order after a night of little to no sleep. And whenever you got back after a long day of classes, you had nothing except those assignments to do. You had no energy. But you did them anyway. 

Even at the airport, you saw couples holding hands and smiling. Maybe, in your fantasies it could be you and…and…no. Don’t get carried away. You’re just not meant for romance, Y/N. It’s hard but it’s the truth. Just focus on school and you won’t be disappointed.

Once you walked out, suitcase and carry-on in tow, there stood your dad. He smiled brightly, the sunlight bouncing off his bright glasses from the limo.

“Well, how is the hangover and chlamydia?” he wished.

“Hi Dad,” you replied with a smile. Mr. Stark was known for being a huge smartass, but you couldn’t have wished for another.

Your mom stepped out at once and gave you a big hug. Then all of you gathered inside and took the slow drive back home.

“We’re having a party tomorrow night, you are more than welcome to join!” your mom said, wiping a strand of red hair out of her face.

“Oh-is there an occasion?” you asked.

“Just because!” she replied. “Let me show you the invites we sent-they’re very pretty. I found this new stationary and I’m obsessed with it!”

She handed you an envelope and opened it to show one, but to her surprise, it was dark green. There was gold lettering that read.

“YOU ARE CORDIALLY INVITED TO A GATHERING OF THE AVENGERS TO CELEBRATE AND WORSHIP THE GREAT, HANDSOMEST, MOST CHARMING AND POWERFUL GOD IN THE NINE REALMS L-”

Your mother snatched the invite and her jaw dropped. You squeezed your lips together to keep from laughing. Then your mom turned around.

“When the hell did he get those invites!”

One of the maids went up to you and shrugged.

“Not sure, Pepper. It was what was sent out.”

Your mother scowled, but you walked forward with your hands on your hips. You knew this charade before. 

“C’mon Loki. We know it’s you.”

The maid scowled. In a flicker of golden light, you saw him, your stomach bursting with butterflies. The most attractive man you had ever met- who happened to be none other than the trickster god turned Avenger ally Loki. Not minding that one awkward time he was possessed, wanted attention, and threw your dad off a building. Besides that, he was great. 

“Well- how did you guess?” he asked casually. He went over to a chair and plopped himself in.

“You use green and gold- that’s as subtle as a freight train.”

“But…let’s be honest, YN…wouldn’t you like an entire evening enjoying my company and many charms?”

You would not stand for that crap.

“Yeah, you’ve said that to every one of us by now. Fix the invitations. We will be glad to have you around as a guest,” you said.

“And if I don’t?” he dared with a wide smile.”

You folded your arms.

“I will find a way for Thor to hold you down as we force-feed your yyourpopcorn,” you threatened.

He scrunched his nose and made a disgusted face. Then he got back up and regathered himself smoothly. 

“Well, in the case…if it’s sweet YN who asks for it, who am I to refuse?” he let down a little bow. When he smiled at you, you felt hot and turned your eyes away.

 Your mother clapped her hands.

“Well! A party calls for a new outfit! Should we go off to lunch and shopping tomorrow? There are so many stores with good deals now!” your mother said. 

“Hmm, I say you both are fine as you are. Why make all the fuss adding onto perfection itself!” Loki replied.

“Please save it for the version of you with boobs, Loki. I know you give it to every breathing being here,” you sighed, rolling your eyes.

His lips tightened. Something in him dimmed.

“Alright. Then I’ll go,” he replied, vanishing into gold mist. 

Though you were part of the Stark family and you were…comfortable, to put it mildly. You knew it wasn’t just about the bargains. That she wanted to spend time with you.

But to spend time… shopping with you.

You didn’t have the heart to tell her you didn’t want to go shopping and that you hated shopping. That it was an ordeal. That the clothes would never fit right. No store did. The silent humiliation of being in a store changing room. The most beautiful pieces of clothing would have struggling buttons, tight against you.  Looking in the mirror and hating what you saw as you squeezed in and out. The changing rooms squeeze you in too. As if the space was trying to close in on you and choke you. That the only clothes would be the ones that would be so frumpy that even great-grandmas would refuse to wear them.  

“Uh…I think I’ll be fine. We can…see a movie or something, mom. There are some good ones out. And I think I’ll be more help if I stayed and helped with decorations,” you answered. If you had to pull more all-nighters to finish your work, so be it. Though your body aching with want of sleep from traveling said otherwise. 

The party was going swimmingly. Your dad was giving out his signature quips like a baker handing out cookies. You checked your dress and makeup in the mirror a million times. But it never felt enough.

Dammit, all of the Avengers were here. And they were all gorgeous specimens- the men, women, and people. Like it was a beauty pageant not a team of superheroes. Well, then there was your dad. And he had a dad-bod. But still- dad bods were in, everyone knew that. Your own…you doubted.

You could handle yourself around super-soldiers. But you had coursework to do still, to catch up on…you meagerly walked around, talking to no one. Your sad cocktail in hand. And there he was.

Stupid, Stupid, sexy Loki. In his gorgeous black Gucci suit. You could feel the saliva gather in your mouth. Swallowing the urge to drool at him. That smooth voice that always made your knees weak. Yes, he was who he was- a god of mischief and stirring the pot. He charmed and flirted and tricked his way to what he wanted but…he was just so…so…

Loki was already hanging out with Nat. He leaned against the bar, smiling as he talked with her. 

Part of you wanted to cry. Part of you wanted to scream. 

That was the type of woman he preferred. No one in heaven, hell, or earth would it be you. Not the…thin, stunning goddesses you passed by every day. Nat, Captain Marvel, to name a few. How could you compare to them? Even if they were nice to you. Smiled to you. Aske you how school and life were…no matter how genuine they were, you’d never measure up. Be good enough. Not for a man…much less a god. 

This was too much. An hour into the party and you were already done. You had to go away. Do some studying. Yes, you would be “that” girl from every romance book and fanfic who would claim she would rather study than party and then somehow have every man alive fighting over her. But this time you did have homework. It was better than failing. Or being here with your insecurity rubbed in your face. 

You went upstairs and threw open the door to your room.

As you got into your room, you turned on a lamp by your desk. The shadow of yourself stretching over the wall, filled with your pictures and posters. The comforting escape of home. Of privacy. You placed your textbook from your bag to the top of the desk. As you reached for your laptop to type an essay, the shadow of yourself stretched. You looked up and realized you weren’t moving an inch. But it was stretching long and wide. When to your shock, it became a person whose hands reached down to the desk and grabbed the book.

“Hey! What the fuck?!” you muttered. 

The shadow reached it up. You saw it became tall, with the outline of shoulder-length curled hair and horns on top of its head. You stretched your arm to the textbook, but it wouldn’t give you back.

“Can I please have it back?” you asked worriedly. No doubt who was behind this. His usual lack of subtlety from the horns.

To your surprise, the shadow relented. It lowered its hands, the book gently going down. It was placed in your free hand. Then the black shadow took your other hand. It felt as cool and light as morning mist. The figure with horns bent down and kissed it gallantly.

You smiled despite yourself.

When you turned around, there you saw none other than the god of mischief, leaning against the doorframe.

“Why- what are you doing in my room?”

“Technically, my dear, I’m not in your room,” Loki replied.

“Just answer my question,” you said. 

He gave an easy shrug, his smug smile still on him.

“You left the door open and didn’t close or lock it- and I wanted to have a little fun with you. It looks like you are doing anything downstairs but enjoying yourself.”

You crossed your arms, looking at him. But his brows furrowed and his smile dropped. His eyes looked over your work before going to you.

 “What do they even do in these universities?” he asked.

“Give you too much work and reading. Quite a bit- are you sure there isn’t anything that could help? Even a little? Turn myself into you and go to your classes in your place?” he offered.

“Help? You’re offering me, help? Why would you offer someone you can’t stand help?” you asked. “Hm? Why are you so nice to me? You hate me!”

“I don’t hate you, my dear.”

“Not even…a little?”

“Not at all, I…”

He swallowed a little. He then went forward and took your hands in his. Your heart about stopped. You felt as if you could float out of your body. He looked at you and spoke with a tenderness- a sincerity you had never heard from him before. 

‘YN…I don’t know how to say this but…I like you. So much. So much it drives me almost mad. To think- I am seen, heard by you. To think you scold me, talk to me…I just want nothing more than for you to talk to me a little more…just a bit more…To hear, savor your words. Each bit of you. I am merely wood and you are fire- you always had such beautiful fire in you- and you must know it’s you and you alone who sparks me alight.”

You nearly dropped your jaw. The wind was knocked out of you. You could hardly believe what you heard was real.

“You’ve played lots of tricks before…now, come on. Where is the snake hiding under the chair…” you muttered.

“I beg your pardon?” he asked, tilting his head.

“Disarming me with some fake confession of love and then sending out a snake to bite me? You’re quite known for that!” you bit back.

“There is no snake. But there is love,” he replied. His eyes went wide, always meeting yours.

You felt your face and body get too hot. Your breathing grew rapid and your eyes fell to the floor. This was too good to be true, it was!

“For…for me? “Don’t lie to me…you love someone like…like Nat or Carol…just go to them!” you dismissed. 

You turned around to look out the window. You wrapped your arms around yourself. So he wouldn’t see the tears starting to fall on your face. Then you felt his hand and felt him turn you around. 

“But I’m not with Nat or Carole…I’m with you…” he replied.

You froze.

“I am not worthy of love…” you said.

Loki’s lips began to quiver.

“I’m not worthy of you. You are everything beautiful adn good in this world, this life. I was only a creature left to die in the snow….”

“I was too! My birth mom…she…she couldn’t keep me. It was pure luck I was chosen at all for a family, much less someone like my dad!”

“Your family wanted you. They always did. Mine…not as much…YN, could you love an unwanted second son?” he asked, his hands over his heart.

“Yes…yes, I could…” you said.

You both leaned closer. Your blood rushed into your ears, the pure joy sparkling all about you. His beautiful pink lips were about to touch yours-

“Hey Romeo, can that magic conjure a condom?” 

You turned your head to see your dad, crossing his arms and turning bright red at the sight of you.

“Dad! I’m an adult! I can choose who I want to date!” you said, rolling your eyes. Loki stepped forward. Trying that polite grace he was raised to possess as a prince.

“Please, sir…there was nothing of that sort….well, not yet- She should choose freely for herself-.”

“Hmmm, you’re a smooth talker…I just might, I dunno. He might throw me off a building again. Can’t risk that,” your dad muttered.

Loki kept his composure, his blue eyes soft when they looked at you. Like you were the most precious gemstone in all the realms. Like you were a goddess made for him alone to fall before his feet and worship. Like…like…in a way that made you feel beautiful. 

 “I would…would be honored if she even chose me at all…” the god confessed.

You placed your hand in his.

“I would.”

[jessicawhitlys]

Winona Ryder as Evelyn Finkel in The Plot Against America 1.01

“Where did all the boys go? There used to be so many.”

[jonismitchell]

hey arden do you have any book suggestions? i don’t have any preference/specific genre i’m looking for but i just need something new to read while in quarantine :)

you’re in luck! i happen to be a massive nerd and i’m going to compile a gigantic list of recs for you. here we go.

the only classics worth reading: i want to preface this by saying i did not pick these books because they are written by women. they are just good and they happen to be by women. this reinforces my theory that only women can write.

emma by jane austen: better than pride and prejudice by a long shot. the characters are funny, the romance is swoon worthy (don’t think too hard about the age gap), it says very smart things about society, and i could write an essay on how it revolutionized fiction.

wuthering heights by emily bronte: my all time favourite book about how awful people are and how the cycle of abuse perpetuates itself. it’s absolutely exceptional in every respect. i won’t go into too much detail because i don’t want to give anything away, but you should definitely read this book.

jane eyre by charlotte bronte: i’m not saying i’m a bronte sister stan, i’m just saying i’m a bronte sister stan who can’t be bothered to take five seconds to copy the accent. anyway, i read this book when i was a wee lass and i stole it from an apartment in nice. the characters are genuinely amazing, and it’s an early feminist book, which i think is fantastic.

the handmaid’s tale by margaret atwood: you don’t get more feminist classic than this. set in a dystopian future where women are only valued for their ability to procreate, atwood examines gender roles and still delivers a brilliant adventure story. if you end up liking this, try the power by naomi alderman, which essentially tells of the opposite society.

the bell jar by sylvia plath: an introspective story about mental illness. it’s the type of writing that i feel hits hard at about any age, and i remember feeling really haunted after finishing the whole thing in a night. definitely high up on my list of amazing novels.

feel good books: sometimes, we need to read something that’s not revolutionary but still radical. don’t worry, i got you. here’s the lasagna of novels.

finding audrey by sophie kinsella: this book is funny, heartwarming, and makes you think. as someone with anxiety, i felt really represented by a lot of audrey’s behaviours. her mom is lowkey nuts, but i feel like that shouldn’t impede your enjoyment of the book.

the shadowhunters series by cassandra clare: LISTEN. objectively cassandra clare is a terrible person. objectively these books are not good. but they are amusing! they are comforting! they are interesting! also, there are a million of them. start with the infernal devices: clockwork angel, clockwork prince, and clockwork princess. set in old old london, this series features the only valid love triangle ever, girls who like to read and kick ass, and boys who are soft and play the violin. next, head to the mortal instruments, which is pretty much drinny fanfiction. don’t think too hard during these and you’ll have a good time. after that, read the short story collections the bane chronicles and tales of shadowhunter academy. if you got really into the lore (like me) these books are funny and a little captivating. finally, get to the highlight of this whole thing, the dark artifices. the one true love of my life, emma carstairs, stars in this brilliant trilogy about forbidden love. yes, it’s super corny, but all these books are super corny. if you can’t get enough of the universe (or accidentally got hooked) try out the collection ghosts of the shadow market. once you finish that, you can read the first books in the new series(es), red scrolls of magic and chain of gold. all of these books are jam packed with magic and vaguely plagarized demons. not brilliant, but a fun ride.

emma mills books: emma mills writes cute happy contemporary romances and i can’t recommend her enough! first & then tells the story of a jane austen obsessed nerd who crushes on a jock. which could actually be about me, and if you trust my judgement, you probably like me enough to read this book secretly written about me. foolish hearts gives theatre kids and boy band stans alike a chance to feel represented in what could be one of the sweetest (and funniest!) romances of all time. famous in a small town gives band kids and people who are clarinet-sized a chance to shine, and includes a country singer who struck me with her similarities to taylor swift. (our song is even referenced in the novel!) by far my favourite would have to be this adventure ends, which is hilarious and heartbreaking and talks about fanfiction without looking down on it. all of these books are definitely feel good and will make you believe in heterosexual romance.

mildly upsetting fantasy: just fantasy trilogies that will hurt you.

the poppy war by r.f. kuang: wonder what harry potter would be like if the magic system was complicated and the murder was high? no, like high on opium? and the plot was based on chinese military history? look no further than the brilliant work of art that is the poppy war. this book is by far the best fantasy out there, i cannot exaggerate that enough. also out is the equally compelling sequel the dragon republic, and the final book in the trilogy is set to hit shelves this year. please please please read this amazing book.

six of crows by leigh bardugo: six dysfunctional criminals try to steal from the most heavily guarded prison in the world. what could go wrong? this novel is intelligent and witty, and will keep you on the edge of your seat as you’re dragged into this scheming and brilliant world. in my opinion, this is the only valid book in the grishaverse. this and its equally well plotted sequel, crooked kingdom.

the gilded wolves by roshani choski: this one is definitely similar to six of crows in its funny and smart main cast. the magic system is super unique and the plot is endlessly enjoyable. it’s also set in old old paris! so france is always fun. there are also tons of mythology references and disaster bisexuals. and apparently the sequel (the silvered serpents) comes out july of this year.

scythe by neal shusterman: the first book on this list by a man, wow! i’m so inclusive. anyway, this genius trilogy is set in a world where humanity has solved almost every single problem, except overpopulation and corruption. an elite order called scythes are tasked with killing and managing the order of death. it’s like the hunger games went took a political science seminar. everything spirals out of control very quickly and the characters are so great. the sequels are called thunderhead and the toll respectively, and the overarching tale is gripping.

the cruel prince by holly black: i’m not kidding when i say this is the only faery book that matters. this book stars a human girl who grows up in the magical world and more violence than is statistically necessary. but it’s good! this is also a trilogy (every book on this list is the first one in a trilogy, i am the worst, i’m sorry) and the sequel the wicked king is quite possibly the best scheme-y magic politics thing i’ve ever read. and the final book, queen of nothing, doesn’t disappoint by a long shot.

contemporaries no one talks about

the boy who steals houses by cg drews: this book has autistic representation! and it’s written by book blogger paperfury, who is even more of a delight on the page than she is on the internet. be warned, this book includes heavy mentions of abuse and graphic violence that are unavoidable. but it will break your heart and stitch it back together again. also, waffles.

some boys by patty blount: this book deals very candidly with the aftermath of rape and public pressure. it is also one of my favourite books of all time for its treatment of ‘bro culture.’ and the heroine, grace, is incredibly strong. i read this book in maybe fourth grade? and it essentially inspired me to start giving a damn about social justice. so yeah, there’s that. (i also haven’t read it since fourth grade, so someone will have to tell me if it holds up).

emergency contact by mary choi: i’m rereading this for the second time right now and it’s still really awesome. it tells the story of an unlikely friendship, big dreams, and does it all through a really interesting narrative voice that manages to effectively capture two very different people. it is yet another romance, but it’s really wonderful and heartwarming. (unlike the other two books in this section).

children’s books that treat kids like people

a series of unfortunate events by lemony snicket: this is quite literally my favourite series of all time. it’s upsetting and kind of wrong once you think about it a lot, but it’s also maybe the best thing ever written. i literally cannot explain how much i love these books. there are thirteen books, so you’re definitely in for a good, long time.  

the mysterious benedict society by trenton lee stewart: three books about propaganda and smart kids and found family. i literally do not know what else you want out of a series. it’s fun and there’s only a little bit of kidnapping, so it’s very family appropriate compared to the other books on this list.

wuh luh wuh

the seven husbands of evelyn hugo by taylor jenkins reid: i KNOW no one shuts up about this book but you really should read it. like, there’s nothing that will ever top the narrative. the drama, the glamour, the girls who love girls, you know? all the components of a brilliant novel. it’s also got some truly poetic prose and genuinely beautiful moments. the reason everyone talks about this book is because it’s amazing. send tweet.

girls of paper and fire by natasha ngan:  (massive trigger warning for sexual violence)  haha! another violent fantasy book that’s part of a trilogy! thought you escaped that, didn’t you? this magic system is brilliant and the book is so good. it’s a breath of fresh air into young adult fiction. and did i mention it’s a wlw romance? i read this during a math class and had to go to the bathroom to cry when i finished it, because there was finally a heroine in a fantasy novel who i could see myself in. there’s also a sequel, girls of storm and shadow, that is equally amazing.

it’s not like it’s a secret by misa suigura: wlw girls with soft poetry vibes. complicated family lives. candidly dealing with racism, sexism, and homophobia. this book is really good. simply read this book.

i have even MORE book recs but i decided to cut myself off because this is the longest thing i’ve ever written for tumblr. hope you enjoy!

[raccoon-wizard]

Two and Half Assholes

An entire one person (shout out to @jumpfiend) expressed their wish for me to write an angry essay about the long dead show Two and Half Men (2003-2015) and all the problems it has. Allow me to start by saying that I am by no means a professional critic and I have never really written an in-depth review of anything. But I have a lot of feelings that I need to get out about this shitshow, otherwise my head is gonna explode next time my father insists on watching it.

Just a warning, this is a very long post.

What is Two and Half Men about?

If I tried to write my own summary here, I would probably end up tearing it to shreds already. Instead, I’m going to borrow the annotation from IMDB.com: “A hedonistic jingle writer's free-wheeling life comes to an abrupt halt when his brother and 10-year-old nephew move into his beachfront house.”

That doesn’t really say much, does it now. Luckily, the same site also provides us with a wide range of plot (hahahah “plot”) summaries written by users. This one tells us a little more: “The Harper brothers Charlie and Alan are almost opposites but form a great team. They have little in common except their dislike for their mundane, maternally cold and domineering mother, Evelyn. Alan, a compulsively neat chiropractor and control-freak, is thrown out by his manipulative wife Judith who nevertheless gets him to pay for everything and do most jobs in the house. Charlie is a freelance jingle composer and irresistible Casanova who lives in a luxurious beach-house and rarely gets up before noon. Charlie "temporarily" allows Alan and his son Jake, a food-obsessed, lazy kid who shuttles between his parents, to move in with them after Alan's separation/divorce. The sitcom revolves around their conflicting lifestyles, raising Jake (who has the efficient, caring dad while having a ball with his fun-loving sugar uncle who teaches him boyish things), and bantering with Evelyn and various other friends and family. Other fairly regular characters include Charlie's cleaning lady Berta and his rich, self-confessed stalker neighbor Rose who often sneaks in to spy on Charlie.”

Now that’s much better. It gives us quite a decent picture of the show’s ensemble. At least for the starter episodes, this is pretty much what it is. But as the show progresses, we see that the characters have a little bit more depth to them. But not that much. 

Let’s start with Charlie Harper, the “freelance jingle composer and irresistible Casanova who lives in a luxurious beach-house and rarely gets up before noon” portrayed by Charlie Sheen. (Is that man still a thing?) I think we can get a lot by taking apart this brief description of him. Freelance jingle composer pretty much means that he has a grand piano in his house and we can occasionally see him playing it while trying to put together words for a commercial for some random product. And that’s it. He has a few other musician friends who are just as big of assholes as he is, but we’ll get to that later. Other than that, we don’t really see him working at all. I think there is one episode about him writing kids’ songs because his girlfriend’s kid likes them. And one about him getting an award?? I don’t know man. The second part of that statement is a much more prominent “personality” trait of Charlie’s. In nearly every episode, we see him “dating” (meaning shagging and then dumping) another woman. I have mentioned in my initial post that this show is misogynistic. Don’t worry, I will also get into that later. For now I’m going to say that Charlie treats all these women absolutely disgustingly and we’re supposed to laugh at that. On the rare occasions we see him in a long term relationship (which happens twice I think? I’m not sure now), we get the stereotypical ball and chain bullshit. The woman takes all his freedom and tries to make him better. While I hate that trope with burning passion, I have to admit that in this case, she does have a solid point. Charlie is a pathetic excuse of a man who has to count on his good looks (questionable) and his riches. By the way, where did he even get them? Does composing jingles really make that much money? Is he that good of a gambler? I’m pretty sure I’ve seen another episode addressing the fact that the answer to both of these questions is no. Where the hell did this luxurious beach-house come from??? So many questions about a show that deserves so little.

Surprisingly, Charlie is the better one out of the two brothers. At the start, we really do feel sorry for Alan. His wife (who is a HORRIBLE person by the way) kicks him out and manipulates him into still paying for everything and doing many things for her around the house. Who wouldn’t feel bad for someone like this? He moves in with Charlie “for the time being”. Soon, we realise that he is not leaving the house anytime soon. He becomes a disgusting leech, a truly pathetic excuse of a man. And he doesn’t even bother hiding it. I’m not sure if we’re supposed to feel sorry for him or laugh at him, but either case doesn’t really work if you spend at least ten seconds thinking about it. How are we supposed to sympathise with a man that lives off of others and barely lifts a finger to change it? The worst part is, the show presents it as something completely normal. We don’t really see Alan’s actions turning against him, do we? Most of the time, whatever shit he does, works just fine for him. 

Another prominent character is Alan’s son, Jake, who grows up throughout the series. A fat little boy, not exactly bright. A spoiled brat (if it’s the fault of Alan or Judith is questionable) that has everything handed to him, as Charlie points out in one episode. It’s another bad personality trait that we’re supposed to find funny. And at first, we kind of do. But once again, as the show progresses, it gets worse. Jake becomes the oldest kid in his class because he fails so many times. He only gets to start middle school because “he’s too big for the desks in his class now”. A bit of a watered down Dudley Dursley now that I think about it. It feels that the older Jake gets, the dumber he is. He eventually joins the military because he is too daft to realise. (If I remember correctly, that was done only so Jake’s actor could leave the show because he pretty much realised how bad it was.)

The main reason why I hate this show so much, however, is its way of handling female characters. There’s a few prominent ones - the aforementioned Judith, Alan’s ex wife, a cold hearted manipulative bitch, that also follows the trope of “I’m breaking up with you because I’m a lesbian” for a while, but then it’s never addressed again, not even once. Then we have Alan and Charlie’s mother, Evelyn, also a cold hearted bitch lacking any motherly instincts whatsoever that the men blame for how they turned out. Honestly, I can kind of see it. There’s Rose, Charlie’s neighbour whom he had slept with once and who’s been obsessed with him ever since, following him pretty much wherever he goes and inappropriately visiting him, usually in order to chase any woman that gets close to him away. We have Berta, Charlie’s housekeeper that I would like to believe is there to show the differences between different classes, as she has a large family to take care of, fending of her daughters’ admirers and dealing with drug and alcohol issues. But at this point we all know she’s only there so we can laugh at her struggles and the witty remarks she likes to make. 

A special category of women in this show are the lovers and girlfriends. All of them end up either leaving the men for someone better (good for them tbh), or getting left by them. But remember, we’re supposed to always be siding with the men. The women are there for us to laugh at and hate. Rose the stalker? The only reason Charlie never gets rid of her is so we can laugh as she appears unexpected on his balcony over and over again. Are her apparent mental health issues ever addressed? Maybe once, but as a joke. You know, the classic ha ha ha ha look an insane person that’s hilarious. Judith the ex wife and her flock of weird friends (that Charlie converts)? Look, evil wives hating men, ha ha ha ha. Better run away from there, men, or they’ll eat you alive! Ha ha ha ha. Judith wanting support from friends and claiming she deserves to be happy is played off as something we scoff at. Chelsea, Charlie’s girlfriend and fiancée? The ball and chain thing, similarly to Judith, but not nearly as manipulative - this one we can see really means well and wants to help Charlie, but he’s a Man™ and cannot handle that, despite claiming to love her very dearly. Lindsay, Alan’s on again, off again girlfriend? Oof. Where to even start with that one. As most of the characters (save for maybe Judith), she starts off decent, despite her inexplicable desire for Alan. (Seriously though what in the world is up with that.) Also, now that I mentioned Alan’s weird sex appeal (not to me but to the female characters of the show, ew), what the hell was up with Judith wanting to suddenly fuck him again and HIM ENDING UP BEING THE FATHER OF HER DAUGHTER???? Was that the point when the writers just said “you know what, fuck this” or?

Some additional things the men on the show did to women:

Infidelity. Aka “ha ha ha many women want man what a lucky bastard he gets to fuck many women ha ha ha oh no he’s been caught ha ha ha funny”.

Infidelity with their friends/family members. I’m pretty sure this happened multiple times. One of the male protagonists gets a girlfriend. Girlfriend has an attractive daughter. Man sleeps with daughter. Girlfriend is mad. Man claims that it is actually a compliment to her because the daughter is just a younger version of her. Man gets upset when girlfriend disagrees. Poor man, girlfriend mean :(((

Another thing I would like to point out is the show’s dumbass approach to sexuality and gender. It’s the age old, straight men bullshit that lesbians = hot, gay men = ew. We see that throughout the whole thing a bunch of times. Alan ends up marrying Walden (whom I will talk about as well) so they can scam an adoption agency. That’s just wrong, man. That’s awful. And regarding gender, the way this shitshow handles trans people is disgusting. I can currently only think of one instance of this, but I have a feeling it happened multiple times, but with Charlie and Alan. They meet a woman, flirt, sleep together, all fun and games. But for some god forsaken reason, after all is done, the woman decides to be like “yeah by the way I used to be a dude” and?? Why?? First of, why would any trans person want to tell anyone their deadname and other things after successfully transitioning? I’m a cis woman, but this really makes no sense to me. Please correct me if I’m wrong on this one, but if you’ve spent years trying to pass as whatever gender you identify with, transitioned, you wouldn’t exactly go around sleeping with people and afterwards telling them about it, would you? And second of all, the entire reason why these characters appear are so we can be like “eww he slept with someone who used to have a penis eww” and laugh as they have a small crisis because of it. Just. Why?? I am aware that this is a thing other shows do/have done as well, but it really bothers me. And even when the guy decides to roll with it, all we get are those jokes that the woman is “more manly” than him. I remember vividly Alan hooking up with a trans lady and briefly dating her, only so we can see her pick a fight with a man, pay for their food and shit and Alan being flustered because he feels like less of a man. Again, please correct me if I’m wrong since my knowledge of gender is limited, but I’m about 97 % sure this is not how it works.

One would have thought that most of this would end after Charlie’s death. His place is taken by Walden Schmidt, portrayed by the angel that is Ashton Kutcher, a “billionaire internet entrepreneur who has recently been divorced and is now suicidal” (wiki). Before I dig in to how it actually got worse, let’s talk about Walden for a while. He really is a nice change. Walden is a genuinely good character, we see him working super hard and treating women well and just being great. I actually like him. The problem the show has when it comes to him is treating his suicidal-ness as just another little joke. Ha ha ha man wants to die man weak. Funny. But as we get over this part (rather quickly tbh), things involving Walden get actually good (besides the part where he sleeps with Alan’s mother). We do see some annoyingly familiar divorce related things, but in contrast to Alan, we see Walden actually get back on his own two feet. 

Alan will forever be my biggest issue with this show. I don’t know if he gets worse or if it’s just the contrast with Walden that makes it seem that way, but he becomes a bigger and bigger parasite, exploiting Walden’s kindness, becoming a lover to his, at that point, former girlfriend Lindsay and somehow exploiting her current boyfriend? He just goes haywire is what I’m trying to say.

I’m not saying that people like that don’t exist. We see it every day, the rich playboys, the pathetic incels. They are everywhere and we totally should talk about them. But not like this. We shouldn’t feel like we should sympathise with them, we shouldn’t hate those that try to criticise them, or those who want to get rid of them. We shouldn’t laugh when they hurt people around them. Men shouldn’t want to relate to them. Characters like this should be presented as something we should avoid becoming.

“What’s your problem? It’s just something I watch to unwind,” my father scoffs at me as I complain about yet another evening we all have to spend listening to the nonsense Two and Half Men brings us. Yea, maybe for you. Maybe you know better than to treat people around you, especially women, like they’re just something you can play around with and then throw into the sewers. Maybe you give everyone equal respect. (No he doesn’t, by the way.) But you know, with the way this TV channel plays this show over and over and over and over again (five episodes a day, every day, and the second they get to the end, they just start over), there’s probably a number of young people who don’t realise how wrong it is and take what’s said there as something to live by. Maybe they’ll think that it’s okay to use people to their advantage. Maybe they’ll think like a rich entitled middle aged straight white man. That’s my problem. Even though the show ended five years ago, it still lives on our televisions and it still gives us wrong examples on how to live our lives. That’s why I hate the show. Not just the awful writing and “plot” holes. It’s the way it treats people and presents it as something that’s totally fine.