#i derailed SO BAD but it's fine bc i was talking abt things that comfort me
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is there anything better than being so so cozy under your favorite soft blankie
#i love this thing so much it's ridiculous. it is So soft. i got it at costco 4 ten dollars#i like curling up under it and having beyonce tucked away between my chest and knees#ultra cozy#tho the sounds of rain outside and maybe soup/Warm Food smells would make this better#OH THAT REMINDS ME!!!!!#oh i am so excited for it to get colder i want 2 go to my favorite panaderia#and get champurrado#oh i miss it so much it's ridiculous#y'know this one time. i was downtown#it was like. 11. on christmas i think? or around then but they do this thing in the park there n my dad wanted pan dulce so we went#n we found this small lil place it was one of the only ones open#n i remember it so vividly because it was so Cold and dark but i remember the sounds i remember the rain and bright#blue florescent lights of the panaderia#and the great line of people all tucked away in this small place. n it was warm and smelled sweet in there#n then i remember getting in the car and listening to the rain tap at the car window n. god. the Smells#just. i remember things like that So Vividly. they bring me such great comfort for such a multitude of reasons and#i think it says a lot abt me shdjfhg. i could talk about that for hours#i derailed SO BAD but it's fine bc i was talking abt things that comfort me#anyways. excited 4 it to hopefully get colder soon#i miss the rain#sap says
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kinda depressed abt this semester tbh
#really dont know if my depression is actly making a comeback and my mental health is taking a bigger hit from EVERYTHING or im just paranoid#especially bc every single time i feel a single negative emotion im like nope not doing that and i derail so besides it all flooding up#somewhere i genuinely dont know whether it's all like my depression coming back or if im just too overwhelmed by everything happening#because i AM overwhelmed like im so overwhelmed by everything i dont even know what's going on anymore my brain just blocks everything out#and then a little bit later it all comes back with new stuff and it's even worse#and what's worse i dont take those meds anymore bc i was doing fine and im probably still fine im just being stupid but like i dont want to#go back on them you know?????? being on them was nice bc i didnt feel like shit all the time but like it's a strain on everything you know??#i felt so guilty and i already feel like a burden all the time from everything else#and now i feel like im going to fluke the semester and i really can't lose the scholarship and even if that wasnt a thing i wld feel so bad#abt it. and i feel like nobody irl listens to me at all (aside from luz but she's goign through a hard time and i really don't want to be#more worried) like even outside of like emotions talk (especially bc im so averse to talking abt being anything other than perfectly ok)#and i had started out this semester so WELL and it just sucks bc i was so prepared and i was so happy and i was lovimg my classes and i had#my spreadsheet and everyone thinks im doing ok but the whole thing all throughout second and third partials have rly fucked me up and fucked#up all my effort and now i cant even MAKE an effort bc it's all gone down the drain anyways#and ive been accidentally skipping so many of my classes i just. god i cant even take it anymore i loved going to algebra but now im so#ashamed i can't even bring myself to turn on my camera anymore#and everything is just so hard but i cant talk to anyone aside from like my therapist about this but i dont really feel up to having therapy#right now and just everything is so much#and i want to seek comfort from friends but i feel so bad abt it and i cant even outright ask to be comforted bc then ill admit im doing#badly and theyll know im doing badly and then what if they think something bad or something or stop liking me or pity me ir whatever but#then if i dont say im feeling badly ill just be ignored and/or not comforted#and then if i say i feel bad and i want comfort ill practically be forcing them to pay attention to me and make me feel better and rob them#of their time and stuff#ill just go away now im sorry#honey talk#negative /
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It’s literally the worst watching bh and esp the that’s too much man ep bc ltierally literally literalllyyyy s*r*h l*nn my comfort character
Like obvi I’m not a kinnie bc No, and god forbid I make similarities between their relationship to one of my own, but the whole. Almost everything. Is so much
The way they enable each other, the way they’re not good for each other the way their relationship is them relapsing and doing bad things together which leads to her demise, it fucks me up SO much, s*r*h l*nn reminds me so much of sm*res, so much of them and their inserts w/o the alc*h*l and dr*gs but all the trauma and relapses and her state of mind after all of it, it’s so. Upsetting.
Like obviously. Not like that. But being a bad influence to someone when you’re the older one who’s supposed to be responsible and you just keep fucking up so much and you end up ruining your friendship bc for a long ass time a big part of that friendship is just enabling bad habits and allowing yourself to partake in htings You know are bad or wrong bc that’s how the friendship works, and like god. Her first ep, that’s ltierally exactly what I’m scared of if I ever approached on anything thatt there would be shitty backlash and like, GOD, even the fact that they didn’t talk for yearssssss and she was still going through somuch shit like, when they disappeaered bc of Binch like.
I’m not a bad person I know I’m not but it’s so scary bc it feels like every fuckng day I’m fighting to not be apiece of shit or stupid and I feel so stupid, I feel like it shouldn’t be this hard to be good or normal, acting normal is so hard this is derailing, but like god the amt of talking to myself I’ve been doing to keep it together bc I feel like I can’t Break is killing me but I feel like I dont get a turn to crash bc no one can handle me, but I’ve been doing it alone for a while and like... I’m fine but idk, if I don’t get a chance soon, I’m gonan end up hurting people just bc I can’t be normal, but for now I can be, it feels hard to be when I’m alone and I’m going through it so much but then I’m faced with talking to other people bc I have to (or ykno, Want To in the case of my partners) it goes perfectly or smoothly and its like what’s my fucking deal why am I scared of lashing out when I havent been at all when I COULD, but I dont.
Anyway yeah I feel scared of this so I’m rewatching bh as one does, bc I need to remember I’m not that bad and I was but I’m not anymore and I’m trying and eveyrone knows that I just, idk, it’s complicated and even tho I’m literally not a kinniie at all I just care abt s*r*h l*nn so mcuh, I am goin through it
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