#i didnt wanna include this bc its a tangent but

[knightartorius]

discussion of mental health and self harm in detail //

i used to be so big on the idea of ‘sadkasa’ but people have completely taken the concept and beaten it with a bat.. the term sadkasa alone is being used to simplify the idea if tsukasa having self esteem issues and a dangerously altruistic mindset just to him being sad or upset and its like missing the point completely. tsukasa isnt “sad” and he doesn’t let himself cry but thats just another way mental health manifests. but also like, you dont have to be sad to self harm. and you can also self harm in unconscious ways. a lot of people are shocked when uncovering traumas in therapy because they admit to unconscious self harming such as descriptions of overworking themselves or engaging in escapism. masking uncomfortable emotions can be a form of self harm and its quite evident in tsks case that he isnt letting himself vent and feel upset because he feels as though its a burden to others and his goals. hes also constantly working on shows and entertaining others, and it doesnt go away when he gets home. id say tsukasas home is the place where this manifests the worst because he has an obligation to saki. saki is where all of this stems from, wanting to make her smile. his positivity is toxic and we can even see it in hinamatsuri when tsks chooses not to acknowledge saki’s uncomfortableness with the idea of new hina dolls because he thinks it will make her happy. also acting like tsukasas positivity is fake is untrue, it clearly waivers but he truly believes that putting his best self forward makes others happy—pop in my heart shows the reinforcement of the cycle of dangerous self improvement because when someone around him is upset or uncomfortable, he pushes his feelings further and further back and separating his self from his person.

[upsidedowngrass]

one of my favorite details about liam is the fact that he is very nice!!!! but he does NOT seem to get manners

his whole motive thruout season 2 is that he wants to save the others. from the looks of it, he doesnt CARE about the revenge part that much. like yeah itd be nice to stop the guy that physically harmed and killed you bc he did that, but thats an afterthought really - and i didnt interpret liam trying to kill airy even as an attempt at revenge so much as an extremely irrational and extremely stress-induced method of trying to make sure his friend + the others DIDNT get sent to the plane. his main priority is repeatedly that he wants to stop this from happening to anyone else. the only time he mentions himself is when saying that he 'cant live the rest of his life not knowing WHY this happened' (thats paraphrased) but that is immediately followed up w concern for this happening to other people

ofc, he also thinks he literally Has Nothing so the lengths he goes to to save the others CAN be interpretted as not things he would do if he thought he could go back to normal but at that point, thats just extremely specific speculation and i dont think thats supposed to be whats conveyed. some situations wouldnt even be necessarily related to him not having anything, so much as related to helping the others. he still throws himself into everything after "remembering what its like to have a life again." even when he realizes that he doesnt HAVE to have lost everything, he still cared and wanted to help the others more

i think he wanted closure, yeah, but he really did want to save the others. the scene of him helping julien is there for a narrative reason, after all (though i dont wanna get into that bc id go on a tangent about narrative choices in ONE). hell, hes the only one to try to get charlie out of the way of the stakes! (not that the others didnt try, but i feel like the intended take-away of liams general nature is fairly clear)

anyway, liam is nice!! he cares a lot abt others and doesnt want bad things to happen to them, and hes ok with bad things happening to him if it can help them.

but he does NOT understand a lot of social etiquette, or the concept of being polite.

my favorite example of this is the whole discussion abt going to go see bradley. when the restaurant gets shut down, liams first thought is to go 'sooooo. you dont have work, right?' when liam realizes he cant pay for the laptop, he just kinda. 'i dont have any money.' and stares at bryce like a cat looking at your plate of sandwich meat, waiting for you to inevitably give them some

this isnt even ONLY after the 7 months, theres hints of this trait before then! when amelia is talking abt stone making her team when the challenge, he just goes 'yeah sorry.' then talks abt how texty won their teams challenge, pointedly when texty is RIGHT there. liam doesnt even say goodnight back to owen! (this ones less impolite than the others but i think its silly to include)

it should be noted tho, that while this ISNT present before and after the plane, it DOES show up more prominently afterwards, and this could very much be the stress! but looking at WHY its more prominent afterwards also feels like it points more towards this just being How He Is.

all of the things hes kinda impolite abt? are things where he is TRYING to be nice, or arent unkind inherently. hes going to talk to bradley? well, doesnt bryce want to come? driving him there is more efficient anyway. oh you have work? well now you dont! so now things are easier! staying here isnt gonna make the restaurant reopen anyway! (liam also probably does NOT have the same weight associated w jobs that bryce does, since liam hasnt had a job in a capitalist society in 7 months. its probably still subconsciously there, but not at the forefront when the plane is still out there). i crashed your car? well, i think the lives of others matters a little more. you can get a new car, but if something happens to airys contestants WHO KNOWS whatll happen to them

a lot of it, i think, is made more extreme by stress and trauma, yeah, but these are patterns in logic that seem to already discard manners as being that relevant. and i, autistic, chose to view that as something hes just Like. hes not a dick and he doesnt ever mean to be! but also if someone can do something fairly minor to do something more important, why does he NEED to be polite abt it?? whats the POINT you get the same message across! and thats assuming he even REALIZES these things are "impolite," based on a lot of his interactions w vryce, i legitimately dont think he realizes how he acts could sometimes be considered 'impolite'

where bryce is knowingly kind of rude sometimes and doesnt care (though is STILL kind, he is just more blunt and uninterested in sounding nice, which i could do an entirely different essay on the autism of), liam seems to not really notice manners, nor does he think theyre very important to consider, and i just. really love that about his character :)

this is the kind of guy that, if you stubbed ur toe, hed probably not say 'oohh, sorry :(' and hed just be 'dang, that sucks' and move on

[dropoutparty]

ngc ramblings part 3- chapter 5

here we are at part 3!!! sorry this one took so long, i originally was gonna make this post include entropy and extus (along with finally talking about face in depth) but it was so fuckin long that im splitting it into 2 different posts! the next part isnt done yet but im like almost halfway done so it shouldnt be too much longer until its out! also before we get into this one:

tw for: death, animal death, and suicide. pls take care of urself and don't read this if those things are triggering for u <3

ok lets get on with the post

at the start of entropy zach doesnt waste any time getting right to the point. this place is bigger than the other planets so far, and zach says the music this time around is a melody that “started out normal but then got distorted” played by a violin sounding instrument. even tho i do sometimes forget that this is supposed to be a creepypasta im not surprised that he said it made him feel depressed and unnerved lmao. anyways, this planet has all new level types in it!! no reused ones!! ok now this is epic. the bosses this time around are megalon, battra, and mechagodzilla, but itll be a good while before we get to those guys because this chapter is long as hell holy shit?? buckle up babez <33 now, before i get into the meat of things as usual im gonna talk abt the planet name! entropy basically means “a lack of order/predictability or a gradual decline into disorder” and that's very accurate to this part of the story. at this point, red is pissed off and is getting desperate, which means from here on out things are going to be getting more intense and more unstable. this world is the turning point in the overall story, basically.

now with that out of the way, zach first goes to the worlds quiz level as usual! this time something was different. usually, in the quiz levels there would be goofy ass music playin in the bg (specifically the GH1D0RA cheat music, if you wanna like listen to it ig?) but from here on out its been replaced by the music from the games password screen, which zach called creepy earlier on in the pasta. im gonna glaze over the quiz again this time, but when we get to the next planet ill talk about all of the quizzes in depth all at once. basically all you need to know for now abt what happens here is face asks “do you like mothra?” and when zach picks no (after going on a tangent abt how mothra sucks lmao,, bro i swear im good at the game my controllers just messed up /s), face enters bastard mode and goes “TOO BAD!” and boom now zach cant play as anyone but mothra. zach is pissed for now but little does he know this is just going to become an even more epic gamer bc of this,, youll never get better at something if you never try and all that.

after that, zach moves on to the first level type- the forest. immediately zach gets an eerie feeling from this level bc he has some kinda fear involving forests at night (i can think of a reason why but ill have to talk abt that later just to be sure). hes also not feelin great about being forced to play as mothra, so the pressure of it all is def starting to get to him by now. the music in the forest is woodwinds followed by slow, rhythmic drums and chiming bells. must have been some ominous woodwinds and bells bc it made him feel like he was intruding somewhere he shouldnt be (oh rlly?? u dont say,, everything up until now has been fine /s). getting into the level itself, eventually zach comes across some weird deer-like monsters just vibing and scares them away when he gets close. later in the level he finds more of these weird deer along with a sloth-like creature on some of the trees and some raptor dudes killing some of the deer. zach shoots one of the raptors but thats about it. nothing really happened in this level but zach noted that he didnt feel like he was playing a video game, but instead it felt more like he was exploring a forest in another dimension. thats interesting for reasons ill ~get to later~ (yall must be so tired of hearing that by now omg,, i know im tired of saying it at least. i was gonna wait until after replay to talk about things but i severely underestimated how long this whole project would be, so i might make a post for the “more on that later” stuff before i get into replay. let me know what u think i should do).

anyways, the next thing zach checks out is the first tv screen level so far. these levels just play an animation with some music in the background, and theres a different animation per level. this time around the animation is of a kid with a beaver(?) head licking a lollipop and the music is the GH1D0RA music that the quiz levels used to use. the only thing of note here is that zach says he had a shirt that looked just like that when he was a kid. after that, were off to some of the weirdest fuckin levels in this whole thing imo- the hourglass levels. these levels have an entirely brown color palette, with grandfather clocks standing in the background (the level appears to be in like a hallway or something) and various time measuring things floating in the air. the music is the same as the board (ig cosby just didnt feel like thinking of what theme this place would have lol). after a little bit zach was rlly happy to see actual enemies from the normal game show up! these are basically like aircraft, tanks, etc. thats not the main attraction here tho, bc this level has its own unique mechanic! this mechanic is the colored hourglass items you can pick up. there are three of them, a blue one that slows time down and makes enemies from the past appear, a red one that speeds up time and makes enemies from the future appear, and a green one that made the time flow normally and spawned enemies from the normal game. zach found the blue one first, which caused a bunch of prehistoric enemies based on real animals to show up. after that he found a green one and fought normal enemies again, and then he found a red hourglass. the future enemies here look like aliens to me, and zach says that one enemy reminds him of something he saw in a book once. eventually, a special future creature showed up and zach was suddenly in a boss battle! or a mini boss battle? that description is probably more accurate. this guy doesnt have a face, and he can only attack by shooting a beam from his face, it sure does look cool! after zach beat it tho, he was off to the next level type, which is basically a toxic waste dump.

zach called it grungy and inhospitable, with the music being a synth ambient loop that made him feel dizzy while he listened to it. this is important because this is the first instance of the game making zach feel something *physically*, not just psychologically. all of the enemies here are mutated to some degree, with him first seeing green mummies with bird skulls coming out from vats of toxic slutch and a brownish cow skeleton monster with spider legs. later zach comes across a deer from the woods, drinking some toxic slutch (delinchous). zach got close to it to try making it stopped but suddenly some enemies came out of nowhere and scared it into running right off a ledge and into the slutch. rip :pensive:. after that zach found more mutated enemies (i.e some things with tentacles and some other deformed thing with human teeth) before he finally gets to the end of the level, where theres another miniboss waiting for him!! this ones a toxic sludge monster with a whale skull who attacks with a mouth projectile and by charging into you. the monster sank into the slutch and thats all for this level babeyy!

the next level is another forest, but this time its winter! its still at night, but this time zach doesnt feel off put, which he mostly attributes to the music. he describes it as a gentle, calm song that almost sounded romantic. the entire first segment of this level had no enemies in it, but dw this level is interesting i swear. the next segment starts out just as empty as the last one, but this time its silent. that is, until the music from “unforgiving cold” starts playing. yaa you remember that place!! i think i said it was less interesting than i remembered but its interesting again now bc it was foreshadowing these levels!! anyways soon after the music started up, zach started to come across tons of frozen bodies of the deer from earlier. some were mutilated, some werent, but they were all frozen and covered in snow. eventually zach does come across something living though, a sloth creature from earlier! its just vibing when suddenly the winter versions of the raptors from earlier rush in and fuckin obliterate the sloth thing. those things just blindly try killing everything in sight, and even start fighting themselves before zach finally gets to the last part of the level.

now this is where shit starts to get crayzay. this part opens up to a big empty field with a full moon and the nice music from earlier back. despite the nice music tho, zach immediately starts feeling dread and eventually he finds a lake. the lake comes down from the sky and starts to crack like an egg, a humanoid figure curled up in the fetus position dropping into the lake below and the moon halves disintegrated. this spawned the moon beast, the hardest challenge zachs had to deal with so far. after he finally defeats it, the screen goes to black and the name “melissa” is on screen, written in red. after that, the screen then says kys. the word kill then fills up the screen, layering over itself until it forms a picture of reds face. its now that we finally get to hear abt the whole melissa thing (which makes it sound like shes been mentioned in the pasta before this but thats not what i mean lmao). to summarize, zach had a middle school gf named melissa (also bro middle school?? wadda hell) who often went into “episodes” where she would stare off, expressionless, before trembling and putting her face in her hands. she and zach hung out in a field at night a lot but one night she just stared at the moon the whole time before running into traffic and dying.

NOW its finally later!!! were not done with entropy yet, but this is the end of part one of entropy so i wanna just take a little break to talk about things so far. this planet is FULL of symbolism and foreshadowing. to start off, i think a lot of the questions face asks at the beginning foreshadow things that happen. some examples are “is time slipping though your fingers?” which could allude to the time levels, “do you have any regrets?” which i think obviously foreshadows the whole melissa thing, “is it safe to go out at night?” and “do you find it hard to sleep at night?” both follow the same kinda theme, which i think relates to how the melissa incident happened at night, specifically out at night. i dont think the forest levels have anything too important in them, other than to introduce the presence of an innocent, harmless creature that doesnt deserve what happens to it later (aka the deer things) which might symbolize melissa. more evidence for this symbolizing melissa comes from the encounter with the deer in the toxic dump and the winter forest, where in the former zach tries to stop it from hurting itself but is too late, being forced to watch it die, and in the latter the same innocent thing from earlier is found dead close to where the real incident took place. the two big themes to keep in mind here are death and time, more specifically the past. most of the enemies here are either made from bones or kill other enemies, there's a dedicated time level referencing things that zach remembers seeing at one point (aka that one alien zach recognized), the beaver head had the same shirt as child zach did, it all connects to zachs past and the death of melissa. as for the moon beast, its the most obvious reference for reasons ive already explained. i dont really know what the moon cracking open and dropping a curled up human into the lake could mean other than some other thing melissa related, but i *do* think that the fact that the moon beast is the most difficult thing zach has faced so far is symbolic of the fact that the trauma from this event has followed him throughout his entire life, and its something he struggles with daily. it could even be the reason why he said no when face asked if he could sleep easily at night. the moon beast also has some black fur around its neck, which i think is meant to represent a tire track, referencing and/or mocking the way melissa died.

its so cool how this entire part of the story builds up to and foreshadows the bomb it drops at the end of the part, giving people something to look back on. a lot of ppl say that as soon as the melissa stuff gets introduced the story goes down in quality, and i do somewhat agree with that sentiment, especially if they want the story to actually be scary, but i think the direction the story goes from this point on is so unique and cool. it does follow the whole “theres a ghost in the game” troupe (even tho it was probably seen as a spin on that originally) but it doesnt do the same cliches as so many other gaming creepypastas do and it really takes the concept and makes it its own. i just think its neat,,,

anyways im done gushing abt this story, lets get on with part 2 of extus!! basically zach has a fuckin panic attack and, after taking a few minutes to calm himself down when its over, he decides that he has to finish the game now because if he doesnt its just going to haunt him for the rest of his life. zach has now realized that the game is “alive” and can somehow see his thoughts and memories, so understandably hes pretty freaked out by it at this point. when he keeps playing, the first thing he does is check out another tv screen level. this time, the animation is of a fish dude just kinda standing there with his mouth flapping open and closed and the music is the neptune board music from the original game. the only reason i can think of for why this is here is maybe the game is mocking zach for the panic attack he just had (bc when u have a panic attack you feel like you can barely breathe, if ur lucky enough to have never had one before and u dont know) but thats abt it. its probably just a random goofy thing cosby threw in there.

anyways, the next actual level is the first labyrinth level. this time around, its a gold labyrinth specifically. the music in these levels is a slow, ominous drum beat with female vocals occasionally coming in and (basically from here on out) the monster zach plays as is now half the size it used to be. i think this shows how zachs feeling at this point, like this whole thing isnt just being a big strong monster and beating up enemies any more, he feels small and scared and helpless in the face of something potentially dangerous that he doesnt understand maybe his confusion about the game is the reason *why* theres so many labyrinth levels here in the first place. anyways im getting ahead of myself. personally, i think the aesthetic of the gold labyrinth is very similar to the green temples back on trance. while trance had a more circular and soft theme to it's architecture and sculpture, entropys is much more square or rectangle oriented. despite this, i think that the golden mazes at least are another religious kind of building, and the architecture is just different because theyre two different cultures who just happen to worship the same spiritual figure (aka melissa. did i say that earlier? i think i did,, if i didnt well the religions worship melissa, not knowing she's a dead human or anything. probably).

moving on, zach notes how the gold labyrinth would probably have been impossible to navigate as any of the other monsters, so turns out face being an asshole was a blessing in disguise after all huh? anyways this place is full of weird gold monsters, lava/fire traps, and stone faces (both in more of an easter island head style and in the regular feminine headshot weve seen so far). zach comes across two feminine heads, one that is more adult looking and pure gold, and another one that looks much younger and whos eyes have red irises and blue scleras. this statue apparently looks a lot like melissa did on the night she died, so zach leaves it pretty quickly. i *think* this is the first time we see the color blue associated with melissa? if it isnt sorry abt that, its been a couple days since i worked on ngcr so ive forgotten some of the smaller or more subtle things by now. GOD i keep getting side tracked ANYWAYS eventually zach finds a non-gold enemy and sees it get picked up by like an arcade crane claw. hes curious so he follows the claw, only to see the monster be put in a big gold cauldron and walk out the side of it as a gold monster.

gonna be honest, no idea what the hell this could mean. like? theres been no themes of corruption or good things becoming evil so far so this just kinda. exists,, yea idk lol. im not part of like any discord servers or anything so all this theorizing and analysis has just been me, maybe getting some small ideas from like random youtube comments or something, so if something ive said so far has been unanimously disagreed with somewhere i dont know about it. thats also why this isnt really a definitive or comprehensive analysis (even tho im trying to be as comprehensive as i can).

anyways zach finds the exit soon after and hes on to the next level type (there's so fucking many of them ik dont worry weve almost gotten to all of them now), the indigo cliffs. the background of these levels is similar to the blue mountains from trance, but now the moon and clouds from the toxic dump background is also here (and colored indigo to match). the music here is just a deep rumbling noise. the first “enemies” he sees here are just a bunch of multicolored little guys coming out of a hole in the ground and jumping off a cliff. were continuing the death theme yall!! anyways zach continues, flying over some more weird creatures (tho some of them just look like dinosaurs lol) before he sees a bunch more of the multicolored guys out and about but this time theyre getting grabbed by birds!! wadda heel!!! zach comments on how the multicolored dudes seem eager to die and thinks maybe the moon has something to do with it (like melissa dude wat!!!! that's crazy /s). at the end of the level there were some more multicolored dudes just walking into a creatures mouth so zach attacked the thing and killed it and the levels over yay!

now its time for the bosses babeyy!!! first zach fights battra (basically an evil moth kaiju), the music is varans theme. battra starts off in his larvae form, where he basically just fought by running into you and shooting stuff at you. while fighting this form, zach noticed that the game buffed mothra because his gamer skillz were too cringe lmaoo. he beats the larvae form and battra goes into his second form, where hes basically a stronger clone of mothra (misogyny). zach fights battra and has fun doing it (for once,, good for him) and he wins yay! next hes fighting megalon (a big beetle/bug kaiju), whos music was gigans theme. im tired when im writing this so ill just give you zachs description of how he fought: “strong, persistent, but dumb”. after this, zach checks out the last tv screen of entropy. this time, it shows a big buff guy with a sack over his head hit a womans head with a sledgehammer while shes tied to a table or something. the music for it was the password theme. i think this is probably here because red is getting angrier? like this guy is still here after i triggered his ptsd?? what the hell!!!

anyways before we get to the last boss we have one last level type to get through- the shadow labyrinth. at this point, zach starts to feel drained because no shit sherlock you just had a panic attack and youve been playing this game for fuckin several hours at this point of course youre fuckin drained. anyways zach enters the shadow labyrinth, which is a black recolor of the gold labyrinth. the music is “evil ambience” similar to unforgiving colds music but distinctly different apparently. there werent any enemies so zach just kinda wandered for a while until the lights turned off, darkening the whole screen and (secretly) spawning tons of spooky enemies thatll chase and hit mothra in the dark. eventually the lights came back on and zach started scrambling to the exit. when the lights turned back off, zach was able to find one of the melissa looking statues and stood next to it. it warded off the monsters while the lights were off, so zach was safe. i think this shows 2 things: 1) its a little more validation for my “religion in this world worships melissa” theory and 2) it foreshadows the way melissa wants to protect zach at the end of the game. zach beat the shadow labyrinth a lot faster than the gold one so were done with all the stages now!! now theres only the last boss and red and were done with entropy!

the last boss is mechagodzilla, but when zach starts the level, normal godzilla is there instead!! its whatever tho bc soon the disguise is gone and its just pretty much the normal mechagodzilla fight (but now hes got a gay beam). at about half health tho, mechagodzillas sprite breaks into pieces like gezoras did way back on earth and reforms into not-mechagodzilla. even tho it looks uncanny (and the usage of the face statue on the front is probably there to further mock zach bc melissa) zach beats it p easily and now its time for the chase. ba dum ba dum thats the sound of a chase.

as usual tho, before i get to the red chase its time to talk about entropy as a planet!! i think the best way to describe the layout is “a big forest with a toxic waste dump in it takes up half the planet while the other half is a large religious temple/labyrinth with a dangerous underbelly”. there doesnt seem to be any intelligent life there now (its all dead by now probably) but there was at some point at least because imean the huge labyrinth is there dude!!! i dont have much to say for this section tbh bc i feel like i've already said everything i wanted to, so its time for the chase ig!!

basically the chase with red here takes place in a labyrinth level bc of course it does. this labyrinth, however, seems to be made of some kind of organic matter. is it flesh? organs? nondescript viscera? idk but it's pulsating and bloody. also this time red has wings too!! anyways, basically zach avoids red throughout the maze, red breaks through one of the walls with his big alien tongue, and zach gets to the end of the maze. nothing crazy happens at the end of this chapter (i think it was crazy enough as is) so thats the end of that and now its time for the penultimate planet- extus.

[unravelling-the-world]

heh.. got a... memory! quite recent (two weeks ago max tbh time is fake) anyways i was in vc with my homies from japan (three chilean including myself and 1 argentinian who lives in jpn) anyways we hadnt rly vc in a loong time, chi1 and arg always play w me bc they've been on the server for a while and we also send memes a lot, but chi2 wasnt in the server until recently. (idk why, but chi1 and chi2 are childhood friends and tbh we all thought that if chi1 didnt wanna includ him it was bc of smth so we didnt ask lmao) well anyways he got added now bc we all wanted to play genshin together (actually ch1 doesnt rly like genshin but he played bc he likes playing w us), it was fun lmao and i could go off on many tangents but this time's core memory is: i obviously had the voice changer on bc even though all of them know me irl and know my real voice ( *puke emoji* ) i feel super insecure without it now when im online lmao, and ch2 who i hadn't talked to in vc quite a while (and had never heard my fake voice) said like oooh dude ur voice 👀 and well even tho we dont interact much he's my friend so i told him ooo lmao its fake its a voice changer program glad its workin thooo and he was like ooo nice it sounds rly cool and honestly it felt great even though its my fake voice. it was the reverse experience of 2020 halloween lmaoo it was great :-) well then also he said that it isnt truly fake bc its still my voice and asked if id like to be on t someday and my voice would probably get deeper and i obv do lmao so i said yes and tbh ive lost all hope (due to current circumstances and not seeing an end to them) but he said like rly hopeful shit and tbh even though i cant truly agree or believe things will get better it felt good to have someone else believe in me. also that reminded me of how i told my other friend that even if i was allowed to go out again idk if i would bc i am probably extremely socially awkward now (even more lmao) and that i would probably feel very overwhelmed by the outside world and he was super supportive and he said like even if we went out he would even order nuggets for me bc he didnt want me to feel bad and wanted to be a source of support and tbh i nearly cried lmao i wouldve cried but i was in vc thats all that stopped me

anyways yeah i dont think we'll even get that chance but im thankful either way. in this case it rly is the thought that counts huh

honestly some months ago i just wanted this all to be over but now.... i dont know. i dont know if i can lead a normal life again. i hate myself and ive lost all hope of being able to change the things i hate. ive become even more shy and scared. if it truly ends, idk if ill make it. my social relationships already are strained. even if i went back, i think im going to be an stranger in a group of people who know each other well. i guess ill cherish my memories from 2017 and 2019 and tbh its fine. i already had a breakdown over this some months ago lol i think im fine now. ive had time to accept it and prepare for my inminent loneliness. even if i had the chance to go back to normal, i think its already too late for me.

unravel has always been one of my top songs and ive always related to it to some degree but as time passes i feel like i understand it more and more. tk really is good at trasmitting the feeling of the song but tbh now the lyrics hit fr, hits different oof

[its-jijii]

atsushi appreciation post

hello i swear ill be back with actual analysis eventually. school is rough rn and ive been sick :( 

however, i only remembered earlier today that bsd raws are out. and i didnt emotionally prepare myself. so now im here to cry and appreciate atsushi (and also theorizing/analysis on the decay of angels below)

BSD CHAPTER 76 SPOILERS BELOW THE CUT (i reblogged the raws before this post if u need to find them)

okay i’ll start out with saying that i am biased as hell. i fucking adore sigma. i’d die for him even though he’s only existed for like 5 chapters?? anyway. i would’ve appreciated atsushi for doing this to anyone, BUT i got especially emotional bc it was sigma. im gonna try to not go on a tangent abt how much i love sigma, that’s for a different post. 

okay well this made me cry cause i was already really upset about sigma getting pushed off and i was so worried for him. but then comes atsushi, a literal fucking angel, he’s so underappreciated (even by me i think)

now i wanna say, atsushi didn’t have to do this. not at all. it was a risky move jumping out of a floating casino to catch his ENEMY from falling to death. it ended up alright because plot armor i mean, they landed and didn’t die. i’m pretty sure atsushi has a fear of dying, or not doing enough to save people, but i swear to god he was so brave in this scene. 

im probably missing a lot bc i can’t fucking read anything so idk he probably was following dazai’s plan of capturing an angel to hold them hostage (i forgot about that till i was writing this) but 😭 i don’t care he still saved sigma. which i appreciate. so fucking much oh my lord,, atsushi is a baby and he deserves the world and i’m SO HAPPY gjksfhkk

now, even if atsushi was doing this because of dazai’s plan, i’d like to think that he went beyond their goal of capturing him? again, i can’t read shit, and i haven’t read a summary either. but beyond the first time sigma fell, after he was shot and fell again, atsushi still reached to grab him, which got him shot in the process. its clear that someone was trying to eliminate sigma, and that would make atsushi an obvious target too,, but instead of trying to escape, atsushi still tried to help sigma??

after atsushi was shot, he also fell, but used his tail to grab something again. he could’ve tried to just support himself, he was very close to dying and probably should have been focusing on keeping himself alive in that situation. But No. he reached for sigma again and was visibly upset when sigma fell (so im gonna assume that he really wanted to save sigma, beyond capturing him for dazai’s plan) i love u atsushi!! so much!!!

now actually im gonna derail the atsushi post and be a theorist now 🤔 sorry ignore this if u dont wanna see me rambling abt decay of angels stuff!! 

i was confused at first when i read this, cause i wasn’t sure why nathaniel (who works under fyodor) was attacking sigma, another angel. why tf is the organization attacking itself,,, till i realized this has happened before? i believe that likely, whenever there’s a chance that an angel could be captured or interrogated, another angel kills them before anything could happen. 

mainly this came to mind in that sigma has only existed a few chapters, why is he about to die already? but the same thing happened with gogol. he existed for a few chapters and then died. thinking about it now, both situations involved an angel at risk of being captured, and both involved other angels doing something. 

in gogol’s case, he could be considered “trapped” by the ADA as he was in a room with them, and was at risk of screwing up the plan. the goal was to frame the ADA, but if he was left alive, that would create some questions and confusion regarding whether or not the ADA really did it. now, one of the angels was using the book to orchestrate that entire scene (i also have analysis on if gogol was killed against his will here if u wanna read). i discussed the possibility of gogol being killed against his will- there were some indicators that he didn’t actually want to die, and another angel was controlling everything, including his death.

somewhat similarly, sigma was at risk of being captured or screwing up the plan. things would have gone wrong if one of the angels was captured alive, as he could then tell the ADA about other member’s identities or their plans. the only person who would stand to gain from killing sigma was,, the other angels. it explains why nathaniel suddenly showed up, likely fyodor’s order, to attempt to kill sigma.

both times it seems that these people didn’t really want to die- rather, another member of their organization set them up to die so that their plan would succeed without an issue. now im really fuckin praying that sigma is okay bc i love him and he’s my favorite in the decay of angels. but um yeah i think since this has happened twice now in a similar fashion, i can at least offer up that it seems likely that angels are being murdered by other angels (not as a part of their plan, but as a safety measure. both gogol and sigma seemed surprised and/or unwilling to die in the moment). 

okay thanks for reading!! also yay for my 100th post 🥳🥳 small reminder that my last reblog was chapter 76 raws if u are looking to read them again (or for the first time idk)

[jadecringecomp]

jade, of course, is still trying to deflect rather than own up to anything at all. im too lazy for screenshots so youre going to have to deal with text for this one. you can see their post here though. and if receipts are needed they are most likely on the callout blog or you can come to me if you cant find them.

“uses their own dead grandma as leverage out of nowhere literally months after the original argument”

jade are you really that braindead. like youre still just proving my previous point. youre still practically shitting on me for it. i gave a reason as to why that night was so traumatic for me because you keep trying to make it seem “like it wasnt that bad” by your own words!

also like uh, jade. you yourself have used your aunt having cancer as a reason to just... excuse every single action youve done. so again, take that and choke.

“abuses their own bf/ex but its fine because he abused her first lolololol!!!”

jade i... honestly have no words. youre still defending a pedophile, and you even admit he abused me. like, yes, i cheated on him. but how does the fact he is a pedophilic abuser not process through your head. why are you so set on defending that. a genuine question.

“flips back and forth on whether they were actually abused or not whenever it benefits her“

theres... nowhere that even says that in the link you posted. are you posting that to still try and imply i lied about the abuse you inflicted upon me or...?

“refriends their own ‘abuser’”

ok well one jade, you still have no actual proof ive befriended broden at all. all you have is a like on a fucking post. really how braindead is it possible to be at this point.

and regarding bailey, i never called her my abuser. you were the one to do that. you said she abused me after i showed you screenshots of what went down between us. and whats worse after i even came to you and showed you the screenshots and you got involved with that mess?? you still wanna try and say what happened was fake. like you wanna call me two-faced, yet youre so quick to change your mind once you realize that person doesnt benefit you anymore. 

also! for someone whos a survivor of abuse, you sure as hell dont realize a common thing between us survivors is literally going back to those who’ve hurt them right?? like you keep bringing this up as if im fucking lying about the whole thing when im not since again, i came to you while we were friends with the proof. i can even post them if need be. and honestly it doesnt even fucking matter anymore ive broken contact with her after shortly realizing my mistake.

“denies other ppls abuse just because they doesnt like them and a few vent discord messages means they knows literally everything abt it“

i can admit to saying i denied your abuse because there is actual proof that you werent abused two years ago, not because i dont like you. do you really just think nobody will believe proof right in front of them jade??? do you think youre some perfect princess who can do no wrong???? like jade the proof is right @deeancie, @estweri, @honeykeis-callout, and even here. you really expect me to just not believe it if i didnt hate you. you honestly need some real fucking help if thats the case jade.

and really like. if you say your bf clams up when you go to him... what else am i supposed to believe. sure i can be wrong, but reading that shit can really make you wonder what is going on between you two. and jade you wanna say that like you yourself dont do that shit. remember all the times you read vague text posts and would go on a tangent as if you knew every little thing about what was going on in my life. yeah kinda what i thought.

“says grooming minors is talking to people One time“

i love how you fail to leave out the fact that these people were minors and that youre practically defending loli. so if youre still talking to these minors and since youre still defending loli, then yes youre grooming minors into thinking loli is ok.

“straight up let a minor into their porn server on discord (they can go as rabid about this as they want but they still straight up showed an actual minor graphic porn but IM a pedophile bc i rb anime sometimes lmfao)”

again its been resolved. like ive acknowledged it was wrong of me to do and ive changed it. and how can you say you just rb anime sometimes when. you literally are reblogging this kind of fuckshit. like do you not remember reblogging that obviously naked child in a collar or what. the difference is i realized my wrong and changed it while youre still rbing actual loli.

“lied about the relationship (the one where they abused each other and she cheated on him with her other abuser???) having elements of pedophilia because they lied about her age”

this is so... ive told you i forgot. the ages. i was literally an age off for the both of us. like what else do you want me to do about this.

“has sketchy as fuck ocs, including one thats physically ten who would force their adult self insert to be naked around them and also drew them being physically beaten“

while the first was true (but i dont have that oc anymore), where in the fuck did i draw them being physically beaten lole??? are you pulling this out of your ass to deflect you yourself rbing beaten children????

and i swear to god if you bring up this comic, im going to scream.

“is a stalker and an abuser. by their own logic“

ok like. a couple of things to this. jade when are you going to get it through your thick skull i didnt give a shit if you were lurking or not, it was the fact you would comment on my every move. which is stalking by the way and incredibly creepy like get a life!

and an abuser “by my own logic”. the link you shared, again, doesnt show that anywhere. also with how badly of a hypocrite you are, thats you. you told me it was abusive to call people delusional. you started doing that once i realized my wrong and stopped. you told me it was abusive. you told me making people relapse was abusive. yet once i relapse you still didnt give a shit and somehow that makes you in the clear (though i still dont give a shit we both literally did that to ourselves the point is youre an abuser too to your own logic). you said trying to gaslight people is abusive (which it is). look at the stacks of proof i have of you gaslighting me. like i could go on but all the proof if here on this blog.

“oh and dont forget they foamed at the mouth that i didnt instantly know when they changed their pronouns but has been proven to have Actually knowingly misgendered me for weeks“

jade the fact you were lurking should make it fucking obvious you should have known my pronouns. and for weeks?? jade i misgendered you in your callout, which i immediately changed once pointed out. will you please stop lying to make yourself look victim and just tell the truth for once in your life.

“also apparently i can call them rae and its not deadnaming because its not their birthname so“

oh my god youre literally fucking braindead it hurts to watch at this point. no rae isnt my deadname. but i do prefer not going my that. the whole point of that was that you tried screaming transphobia because someone called you by a previous name you went by. you fucking dumbass.

“claims to have bpd but doesnt even know what cluster b is holy shit!!!“

what do i even say to this jade?? what does the fact i didnt know what that was at first matter to me having bpd??? also are you just gonna shrug off the fact that you first claimed you got misdiagnosed with autsim, then suddenly you do? you claimed to have bipolar disorder, then later you suddenly decide you have bpd??? kind of sketchy if you ask me!

“tries to send anons under my name but forgot that their friend levi doesnt even have me blocked so why the fuck would i go on anon if i would ‘sign’ it anyway hm“

a....... are you implying i was the one to send those....? is it because you realized once you did so it backfired?? jade for someone who wanted to claim i was the one making up conspiracies, you sure make up a lot of them.

in conclusion: jade you still are just deflecting! you still havent defended any of the shit me or my friends have called you out for! the fact you still havent admitted to them or so much as even defended the claims sure does speak a lot! stop deflecting and lying and just fucking come out about it!

[moonchildhcs]

yoonpark hcs

ugh this gif ! the hecking flavor

anyways uwu hello again my friends today we return to our moonchild with some hecking fresh content,,, some yoonpark

but this time with some additional Spice. Some Flavor.

*youtuber voice* let just jump right into it

yall met at a club oopsies but it does not play out the way you think it does !

u and persi were at the club like a couple of losers and persi was tipsy but u were just. fucking drunk and u were RAMBLING about the composition of the song currently blasting through the club and you were like “tHis, my dudes, is fucking GARBAGE”

u proceeded to go on a ten minute tangent about why this song was trashy and awful even though a different song has been playing for a while now

and yoongi, slightly tipsy, looks at you and goes Oh? I Too Have Strong Feelings On The Music Selections

and u feel. someone staring at you and you turn around and its this?? hot guy?? and ur like Oh Fuck Dude Persi-

but persi has YEETED away its now just you, in your booth, with a drink, and ur boii is like “this is my chance” and he slides in and ur lik FUCK

but you guys hit it off and spend the rest of the night talking about music and stuff and eventually yall get each others numbers before you each head ur seperate ways back home

u wake up in the morning with a massive hangover going what the HECK while persi hands u some water, cackling as they tell you to check ur phone

and u DO and theres this guy,,,, in ur texts,, telling you good morning and he hopes your hangover isnt too bad since you drank a lot

he also mentions that you have good music taste

and u YODEL

and that is how yall meet !!! and tbh yall didnt see each other in person fora while but turns out hes the cutest yet snarkiest boy ever and yall text daily!!! turns out hes an aspiring producer and musician and ur just. in LOVE!!

but its also the same for bb boii because hearing you talk about languages and ur love for teaching (also the fact that ur not a native korean speaker but ur still so good at it?? his heart goes doki doki just for you) and hes just So Very In Love with you and your passion and drive !!!!

and yall grew closer and closer before,,, yall go out on a bit of a date but also just to hang out its Hard To Tell but ur both a bit nervous so its moreso like a date uwu

and yall hang around a history museum before going out to the City and visit markets and stores and eat dinner and stuff (dont worry he remember how picky you are and made sure he found a nice place with multiple options that would appeal to you !!) before yall hit a music store !! yall explore the albums available there but also the instruments and ur like wow these are all so cool !! and then,,

yoongi sits down by the piano and starts playing this super short piece but ur heart, goes doki doki and ur like heck im hecking in love

u stand there shellshocked as yoongi waves his hand in front of ur face like ?? hello??? maam???

anyways after more dates like that yall make it Official and u guys are legit so cute and dorky its unbelievable

although yall do love going out and exploring, especially at night,, yall treasure those indoors dates as well when youre both just too tired to go out and have fun !! it consists of wiggling to some choice music, binge watching a good series, dramatic readings of some nice books, napping together, trying (and failing) to make some food before ordering takeout, etc

also sometimes ur indoors dates do devolve into criticizing some of the more questionable music tastes of the other 

yoongi: dude halsey sounds like the baninis and avocados vine

you: she does and i love her for it, now shut the fuck up before i bring up kanye west

yoongi: bitch you better stop i get it i once had bad taste but i CHANGED

jokes jokes but fr yall are such big hecking nerds about stuff together of course you have music in common !! its a big interest of both of yours but you guys also have your own other interests !!!

you both love love photography so you both can be spotted just going out to explore and take photos, but also if one fo you wakes up early you take a cute pic of the other while theyre sleeping and then you wake up bc of the clicking sound and u both lie there giggling and being cutiepies

also he knows ur not necessarily the biggest fan of basketball and you dont necessarily go out of ur way to play it but this boy, this absolute nerd, loves to flex on you with his basketball skills dont even @ him on this okay

yoongi: heyo wanna do a competition on who can spin a basketball on there finger the longest

you: eh i think ill pass

yoongi: what if,,, i bought you some filipino food

you: Bring It On, Bitch Boy

yall playfully call each other insults btw but its all in good fun and only done occasionally !! usually yall call each other by ur names but !! sometimes yoongi drops a casual pet name and u go,,, Oh Worm??

and sometimes when u wanna embarass him u call him the sweetest, cringiest pet names in public, ESPECIALLY in front of his six bffs and they all go Oh? Yoongles? Baby? Sweetie Pie? Parker’s Pumpy Umpy Umpkin?? and he is out for the kill now sleep with one eye open parker

also pls do expect some hecking COOL trakc she made dedicated to you he made one for your 1 year anniversary and u cried because sometime its just instrumentals but this time it included a rlly heartfelt rap and u SOBBED nd hes like OOPS but also hehehe

also u both sometimes struggle with mental health and u guys just have,, the others fave comfort foods saved in the notes app and when one of yall texts the other going “sorry had a rough day” yall pick up the others fave foods then go and cuddle them

but if ur rough patches coincide yall do ur best to motivate the other to at least get smth small done that day so you can both be proud that in spite of it all you still made at least some progress :)

anyways you guys are the sweetest, cutest, dweebiest couple alive an god do we stan !!! just go ahead and flex on the rest of us with your functional healthy and cute relationship

but also here comes the s p i c e

hello??? yes i had to include at least some spice to this i mentioned spice a l o t

anyways ur the biggest brat to grace the earth and our boy loves to make you fucking weep and submit to him oopsies

hes a lot more dominant than his exterior lets him on to be ! and the marks on your skin (and by skin i mean All Over Your Body) only goes to show that he has no mercy and if you purposely tease him even a lil he will absolutely wreck you

he likes seeing u in lingerie !! like can either of you, one a musician the other a hopeful linguist and teacher, afford these expensive ass sets? no, but he loves seeing you in white lace and not even god could stop him ! unfortunate how sometimes he gets too rough and tears it off and u dont say anything in the moment but when you wake up the next morning, sore as fuck, you look at the remains of the cute lingerie and go,, yoongi that was 200 bucks

and hes like huh? thats awful spicy

anyways ur both initially a bit quiet during sex but when u accidentally let slip that ur just a bit of a degradee ur boy,, loses it

and from now on he dirty talks you to the high heavens and ur like FUCK because sometimes he calls you his whore but other times he sarcastically calls you princess and ur like,,, heck

also :^) his tongue technology is no joke :^) when he eats you out all of ur neighbors find out his name oopsies because he knows exactly what to do with his tongue and ur there, shaking, enjoying it all

honestly just expect to be sore

but he isnt always this intense !! sometimes he just wants to be close to you and yall spoon and stuff

or he might have had a long day producing so you just ride him

also some might say he sleeps immediately after sex but i think hed make sure that youre totally fine first

like he cleans you up with a towel, runs you a bath if you have the energy, and cuddles you and once ur both settled THEN will he fall asleep