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0i5d1k9 · 4 years

Text

I miss u too...

But we can't erase nor change the past

I miss your fashion advices and how you knew exatcly what would look good on me, and I wish I could still ask u about that. I also miss singing with u, and receiving advices on singing too. I love to sing, but I'm shy and I know I dont sing that well for many reasons. I miss playing piano together. I miss playing piano for you to sing. I miss singing duets with you. I miss learning french with you. I miss our plans of visiting your mom and sister and my relatives in Europe. I miss talking to your mom, your 2 cousings, I miss helping one of them in her english activities.

I miss telling the crazy story of when you mom and aunt came to my church in Brazil to sing, when I was 14, all the way from France. She taught the church a children's song in French and challenged someone to sing there in the front to win a signed cd. And I went and they complimented my French and asked if I studied French bc it was so good. 4 years later we went to the same college, and worked in the same place from a hundred of places to work. I worked in a different department, then later in a different time of the day, until we had to see each other every day and had to work one weekend per month working together. I miss your coding nagging you saying that she knew your best friend first than you. That was just too much coincidence

But I think we screwed everything. I sometimes wished I didnt have asked my friend to ask u to the farm with us. I wish I hadn't asked u if u still wanted to talk. I wish u had ignored us and went to see the girl u liked. I wish I didnt hurt u that day and u didnt have asked for a kiss in return. I wish I went to kiss your hand instead of your mouth. I wish I had backed away when u told me you liked many girls, and I wasn't the most special, I was just some of them. I told u I was strong. I thought I was. I wasn't.

How would we be today? If we decided to be just friends... I liked someone else more than I liked you. And you liked someone else more than u liked me. And yet we got so involved. We both were just trying to heal our wounds together. But we didnt wanted it was each other. We only wanted something else.

You manipulated me. You rejected me. You treated me badly when I was just there for you all the time. Yes, you hurted me more than I hurted you, that time. And then later the tables turned. I was so hurt, I had so much hate for everything I had been through, I couldn't see it had turned. I was the one hurting you on purpose. What you made me go through made me want to kill myself. And I even tried a year later. That was the only thing I could see. But now that this is gone, now that I'm feeling weightless, I can see how I was unfair to u too. U shouldn't treat people's with cruelty even if they were cruel to you. In my Instagram u can see the phrase "And when it's all rocks, throw the first flower". And when I knew the tables had turned I just wished u to hate me. It would be easier to hate you. But u didn't. You showed me the compassion, and you begged for another chance.

But then, a lot of things made me crazy. I hated to see u with someone else 1 month later after I ended up everything. You made me suffer over a year, and now life was just rainbow for you. I wanted u to suffer just how I had. I wanted u to be happy, just not in your love life. At least, not so fast. That seemed so unfair to you. And u told me u had changed, that you would treat her with respect. But u spent a lot of time nagging me about how u wanted to break up with her, or how u wanted her to break up with you so u could focus just on coming after me. A lot of other things happened. But I'm talking about you rn, so I'm just telling I what u contributed for me to decide to kill myself that morning.

One thing that helps with me not wanting to talk to you anymore. After what happened, the first time u tried to contact me, was to say you wanted to kill me. I was really afraid. At the same time I knew you wouldn't have the guts to do that, and that u were just talking shit bc u knew I just wanted u to be unhappy even if you treated me like a princess in the moment and u respected my relationship even when u still wanted me. U talked everything that was on your mind. I now recognize it. Even if it was just some bullshit u thought but didnt really felt that way. I usually could tell what was bullshit and what wasn't, but it still hurted anyway.

I read everything. I like reading the emails u send me. It's always about how you still cheer up for me even if I don't want to talk to you anymore. I cheer up for u too now. Now that I finally got rid of my hatred, and the pain I was in the past. I can't erase the scars. Our relationship will never more be the same. My boyfriend knows all the shit I have been through with you, I called him to say I wanted to kill me so many times, he hates you. And I can't see me getting closer to you and making him so uncomfortable like that. And he is not wrong on thinking that I'm better not talking to you. I still think it's my decision, but it's not going to stop him thinking that I am stupid and other things. I think that's normal for him to feel the way he does and I respect it the same way I wanted he to respect it if I was in his place... Also you girlfriend hates me and that's for no reason. He hated me from the start. I mean I have her no reason to hate me. You probably did. I wanted u to be unhappy somewhere inside me, but u know I couldn't be evil even with a fly. So I would still help u to be happy even dying inside. Which I did. But I can't control my mental problems, which u helped to cause.

I have so many questions about us. I don't think about that everytime, it's actually very rare. But the count is not zero. I probably will write more as if I'm talking to you. There is still much I want to say. Most are not good things, nor good memories. But I hope you're doing fine. I see u struggling in the emails u sent me. But u have a girlfriend, and if u still with her until now, is bc she helps u. And I'm letting she do her job. I know you have other friends and no one is ever gonna be like me lol, but u can lean on them too. Do that. Trust other people. Your trust in me won't fail nor will I loose valor to you if u find another best friend. I think u might even forget me and treat me as a stranger. Come on, there are a lot of other girls better than me to be your best friend. I dont really believe what u say that u will always feel the same way about me. U changes sm. But it's good the feeling I was like this to you at least for some time. I know I can count on u if things get really dark in my life, and I would probably help u if u asked me for something that wouldn't get me out of my comfort zone. Just be happy and live your life. U know u can do that without me... I wish you all the best.

And now I finish with the question that circles around the most in my head:

What if we had been just friends since the beginning?

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