#i do like ezri but nothing can replace jadzia

[captainkaseykirk]

one of the funniest things about deep space nine is the running joke about jadzia‘s dating history, particularly captain boday with the transparent skull. he (and his see through skull) are mentioned like *three* times throughout the series. they made SURE it wasn’t a throwaway funny line and i love them for that

[startrekwintergiftexchange]

Gift for @scifihobbit (Prompt: Ezri/Kira)

Kira and Ezri had breakfast together that morning. After a bit of hesitation at first, when Ezri got on the station, they started getting along well. Now they often spent time together, enjoying each other’s company.

They started walking towards Ops. As they reached the turbolift, they heard a voice.

“Aunt Nerys! Aunt Nerys!”

Kira turned around to see an enthusiastic Molly O’Brien running towards her, smiling.

In the short period of time when Kira lived with the O’Briens, she had really become attached to her.

“Hi, Molly. Prophets, you’ve grown so much since the last time I saw you” Kira said, as she bent down to hug her.

“I’m so happy today!” Molly said enthusiastically

“That’s great! And what makes you so happy?”

“It’s only five days before Christmas! What did you ask Santa, aunt Nerys?”

“Christmas? Santa?” Kira asked perplexed, looking up at Chief O’Brien

“Molly, dear, Kira’s Bajoran. They don’t celebrate Christmas” the chief explained softly

“Oh.” Molly replied, somewhat disappointed

“Kira and Dax have to get to work, Molly, let’s go” O’Brien said, well aware that they were in the middle of a war and they couldn’t afford to waste any time “Oh, and see you at dinner” he added, remembering he and Keiko had invited Kira and Dax for dinner that night.

“Goodbye, aunt Nerys! Goodbye, Ezri!” Molly said as she and her father started to walk away.

“Goodbye, Molly!” they answered in unison.

Kira turned to look at Ezri

“Do you know what she was talking about?”

“Yes” Ezri answered “Benjamin told me about it some time ago”

“Oh, that’s great” Kira said, relieved.

“It’s an old Earth holiday. It started off as religious, but nowadays it’s mostly an occasion for families to spend some time together and exchange gifts” Ezri explained.

“What about Santa?”

“Santa Claus is a legendary man that is said to bring presents to children on the night of Christmas Eve.”

“To all children on Earth? In one night? All alone?” Kira asked, even more confused that she was before. What kind of technology did this man have to be able to visit all kids on Earth in such a short time?

Ezri started giggling

“It’s a story parents tell to their kids” She looked around to see if there were any children nearby “it’s not real” she whispered

“Oh. That makes more sense” Kira replied, laughing.

–

Kira and Ezri stood in front of the door of the O’Briens quarters, waiting for them to answer the doorbell. Kira was carrying two small boxes under her arms, wrapped in brightly coloured gift paper. After she had learnt about Christmas, she had spent all her lunch break picking a gift for Molly and Yoshi, with Ezri’s help.

“Hi, Nerys. Hi, Ezri. You’re early, Miles and the kids still aren’t home” – Keiko greeted them, gesturing for them to come in.

“I brought a gift for the kids” Kira said, giving them to Keiko “Ezri told me about Christmas this morning and…” she explained, still not sure if this was the “right” way to exchange gifts according to the traditions.

“Oh, Nerys, you didn’t have to” Keiko replied, softly, embarrassed that she hadn’t even thought about getting her a gift.

“I know, but I wanted to. In the months I lived here, you did a lot for me. You’ve made me feel like a part of the family. I just wanted to do something for you, for a change. So, where do I put these?”

“You can put them under the tree” Keiko said, pointing to a pine tree in the corner of the room.

Kira had read about Christmas trees, but what she saw vastly exceeded her expectations. A number of brightly colored lights went all around the plant, blinking in various patterns, lighting part of the room. A bunch of ornaments hung from the branches, from simple globes to more complex ones resembling reindeers, snowmen and other typical holiday symbols; a large star stood on the top. She put her two presents at the base of the tree, near the others.

They then waited for the others to arrive.

–

When they left, Ezri couldn’t help but notice that Kira had been smiling all evening.

“What you did for Molly and Yoshi was really sweet, Nerys” – Ezri said, as they walked back to their quarters

“Oh, it’s nothing special” – Kira replied, shrugging it off

“That’s not true. You saw how happy they were when they saw the gifts under the tree”

“You know, when I was a child we had nothing. I’ve never received a present. There wasn’t even enough food for everybody, let alone toys… We played with what we had. The O’Briens are the closest thing I have to a family, in a way Yoshi is also my kid, and” Kira almost shed a tear “and seeing he and Molly so happy just… just made me happy too”

“Kira Nerys, you’re really becoming soft” Ezri replied teasingly

“Oh, shut up, Ezri. I’m not soft” she replied, laughing

“But you’re an amazing person” this time Ezri was serious “and it’s all that matters”

“Thank you”

As she said that, they arrived to Kira’s quarters.

“Goodnight, Ezri. See you tomorrow”

“Goodnight” Ezri replied.

As she walked towards her own quarters, she kept thinking about Kira’s words. About how she said that she had never received a present as a kid. Kira had told her (well, mostly Jadzia) a lot about her past, but not about her childhood. Ezri knew those were particularly traumatic memories for Kira, since she had lost both her mother and her brothers when she was still a kid; she knew it was really difficult for her friend to talk about it, so she didn’t insist too much on the topic, figuring she’d tell her when she was comfortable with that. There still was one thing, however, she could do for her.

–

Kira’s doorbell chimed. It was her day off, so she had spent most of the morning meditating and relaxing. She opened the door.

“Hi, Nerys” Ezri said. She then noticed the lit candles on the floor “Oh, were you meditating? I’m sorry, I’ll come back later” she added quickly.

“No, no, don’t worry. I was done. Come in.” Kira replied as she blew out the candles “Talking about meditation, did you try those exercises I told you about?”

“Yes, I did, and they helped. Being able to focus really helps me distinguish between my past hosts and me” Ezri sat down on the couch, and Kira sat next to her. “I have a surprise for you, Nerys”

“A surprise?” Kira asked, curious

“Yesterday you said nobody ever gave you a present as a kid, so I figured I’d make up for it.

She said, giving her a small square box, wrapped with gift paper. For once, all the memories of her previous lives had helped her instead of causing her problems: after all, Jadzia had been Kira’s friend for years, and she knew really well what she liked.

“But you didn’t have to, I’m a grown woman now, and I didn’t get you anything, and…”

“Don’t worry. Like you said yesterday, I did this because I wanted to” Ezri replied

“But I still feel selfish, accepting a gift without giving anything back”

“Think of it as a gift from Santa then. I heard you’ve been really good this year” she replied promptly, with a smirk that instantaneously reminded Kira of Jadzia.

Ezri was starting to become worried. Did Nerys like her idea?

There still were a lot of things Nerys wanted to say; a lot of thoughts filled her mind: her friendship with Jadzia, the way she and Ezri had grown closer in the last weeks, the new feelings she was developing towards Ezri.

“Thank you, Ezri” was all she could think of saying.

Ezri nodded, relieved. She was still wondering what was in Kira’s mind.

“Can I open this now, or do I need to wait?”

“Christmas is tomorrow. But you can open it now if you want to.”

“Santa will be angry if I open it early, won’t he?” Kira joked, putting the box aside.

“Oh, you’re right” Ezri replied, smacking her head.

“Ezri?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you distinguish between your feelings and the ones from the previous hosts?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, if you see Worf, you know that it was Jadzia that loved him and not you?”

“It’s still a bit blurry, but I can feel the difference” Ezri couldn’t really explain it. She wasn’t even sure she understood it herself. “Why?”

“Because I’d like to kiss you” Kira said, leaning forward until she was almost staring into Ezri’s beautiful blue eyes

“I’d like it too” Ezri replied, putting her arm behind Nerys’s shoulders, making their lips touch. She had had feelings for Nerys for a long time, but always ignored them, worried that what she was feeling was coming from her previous host.

The very instant he felt Nerys’s tongue against her lips, all her doubts came back with even more strengths.

“I can’t do this” she said, getting up from the couch with a sudden movement

“I’m sorry, Ezri, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable” Nerys apologized “I thought you wanted to kiss”

“I wanted to. And I still want” Ezri replied, pacing the room

“What’s the problem then? Did I do something wrong?” Nerys asked, getting up from the couch herself.

“I don’t want to replace Jadzia. I know the wonderful friendship you had, and I don’t want to fill the void she left. It’s still too early, you’re still grieving for her, and you don’t need me to add even more confusion”

“Jadzia and I were really good friends. She was the first person from Starfleet I didn’t feel as an enemy. She still tried to become my friend after all the horrible things I said about them. I felt safe with her, I felt like I could tell her anything. She cared deeply about me. She really meant a lot for me, and nobody will ever replace her” Nerys explained nervously, trembling “but I didn’t see you as a replacement. Not after I really got to know you. I thought about this a lot, and I’m sure. The person I fell in love with is a different person from her. And it’s you, Ezri, only you”

Tears began to roll down Ezri’s cheeks; she sat down again. Nerys sat along her, letting Ezri’s face rest on her chest. She slid a finger through her hair.

Ezri felt it distinctly this time. She was sure she loved Nerys and that love came only from her.

“Better?” Nerys asked, wiping her tears with her hand.

“Better” Ezri replied, sniffling. “I’m ready to try it again”

“There’s no rush. You can think about this all you want”

“I’m sure now” she replied with confidence.

Ezri tilted her face up, now looking directly as Nerys. She pulled herself up, letting her lips touch Kira’s mouth once again; “This time’s for real” she thought, as she let Nerys pull her close, deepening the kiss.

“You know, Nerys” she said, after what seemed like only an instant. “this is the best Christmas present you could give me”

“I love you” Nerys replied “and only you”

“I love you too”

As Ezri said this, the doorbell chimed once again. They pulled themselves together, then Nerys went to open the door. It was captain Sisko.

“Chief O’Brien and I thought about inviting all of the senior staff at Quark’s for a drink, to celebrate Christmas together” he explained “care to join us?” he asked both of them.

“We’ll gladly come” they answered.

As they walked towards Quark’s, Ezri and Kira looked at each other. It looked like their first Christmas was a success.

[pom-seedss]

Okay, since Jadzia was my favourite character for the longest time, I was really bitter at how she was unceremoniously killed off and replaced. I never gave Ezri as much of a shot. She was okay, I liked her, but there were points where I just wanted Jadzia back and was a bit bitter at Ezri for replacing her.

But.... dang.

The more I watch the show and the older I get the more I love Ezri. She is really really important to me especially now that my mental illnesses and physical disabilities are getting more... complicated?

Ezri was never meant to be joined, she never wanted to be, she had absolutely zero preparation and is just tossed back out into the world after she “woke up as a whole different person. Well I should say, eight different people.”

Her awkward anxiety about the whole situation, the way she needs to have stable familiar loving presences to help her heal but also can help others heal. Her problems and issues don’t negate how useful and valuable she is to others, not just as a crewman and counselor but as a friend. 

She didn’t get much help from the Symbiosis Commission, the doctors and professionals who should be more understanding about the situation could only giver her some books to read, some counseling, but really there is not much they can do. Everyone in her life, family, friends, crewmates, alienate her because she shows symptoms of her distressing situation. 

“It’s like they don’t even know me anymore” is not usually something said by someone about themselves unless it’s been internalized after someone else says that to them. And Ezri says it with such a hint of vulnerability but matter-of-factness like there is just nothing anyone can do to help her.

But she goes back to the people she remembers as being warm and comforting and kind. The people she admires and people who are most likely to accept her as she is. And she finds home.

She gains confidence because they don’t doubt her. She gains self-acceptance because others (save for Worf) don’t alienate her and treat her as a stranger or as broken. There is a bit of an awkward transitional period where they are getting used to the new behaviour but she’s never derided for being less than she used to be to them, or different or less confident... Honestly this transition can be so many different things but to me it is definitely very akin to my experience as my mental illness progressed. Doctors, most old friends, family... they didn’t understand and didn’t accept me, they always made it feel like I was not good enough because I am not what I used to be.

But seeing Ezri, so much less confident than Jadzia, so much more anxious, so much more hesitant, so much more quiet....shaken and confused by the things that are happening to her that she has little control of, finding new weird habits and quirks and people just accept her as her.

Just like how when I was broken and scared and confused when my mental illness really started to seriously affect my life in obvious ways.... my chosen family accept me as me. They know there has been a change, they know I’m not the same, but they still believe in my abilities and support me. They still think I am competent and able to do things if I have the right support. They don’t think of me as lesser or pitiful for not being able to do some of the things I used to. They admire the skill set I have come to possess and just....

As a kid I related to some pieces of Ezri but because I was so fangirling over Jadzia I never gave myself a chance to connect with her really. But dang. DANG. I feel for Ezri and Dax throughout all of this confusing and I am just so happy they were able to find home with their chosen family on DS9.