#i do not have that capability today and bc i cant im forced to sit here with the air compressor running all fucking day

[moonlitsnail]

hm

[fairycosmos]

chloe im so stupid im tired and I don’t feel well but here i am at school bc even tho my parents offered several times for me to stay home i have such a guilt complex about missing school that i pretty much just always go but i don’t know what’s wrong w me like im just sick and i keep crying and im just so STUPID i should’ve just stayed home in the first place but esp now that im here i feel like i can’t go home (im sorry I’m r

hey angel. it’s okay, you’re going to be okay. you’re having a really tough day but you’re getting through it, you’re trying your absolute best and that counts for so fucking much, i mean it. i just want to say that i’m super proud of you for making it to school in the first place, seriously. it seems like you care a lot about your education, and that’s extremely admirable. way more than i cared about mine when i was in school anyway. i cant tell you how many days i missed - but i was always able to catch up on the work and to find a way around it. you don’t have to be perfect all of the time, you dont have to constantly over exert yourself. you and your health are way more important than your grades. you can always fit studying into a schedule, but you can’t do that with your own comfort and happiness. it’s hard to accept that as a fact, but it’s the truth. if you need some time, a day or an afternoon for yourself, to recover from the fuckin stress of being a person - that’s alright. you’re entitled to that. everyone needs a break sometimes. 

when you’re feeling so depressed and upset and fucked up inside, it’s very easy to turn to self hatred. you’re trying to make sense of things, and if you turn against yourself, then at least you have someone/something to blame, right? but the thing is, is that these thoughts aren’t accurate or true. they’re coming from a very sad, panicked part of your brain. you’re not stupid, you’re not what you think you are. you’re just going through a tough time. the academic system is literally built to make you feel inadequate. your stress isn’t a reflection of you or you ‘failures’, it’s a reflection of your environment. look, it’s okay to process negative emotions, and it’s definitely okay to cry when you need to. it’s healthy, even if it’s painful. let it out, let it wash over you and then try your best to let it go over n over again. of course, it’s a lot easier said than done. but it’s still possible, if you want it to be. there’s comfort in pain, but holding onto it for longer than you need to is pointless. you can make the active choice to just let it be what it is, for now. 

it’s completely up to you what you do next, and how you go about dealing with the rest of the day. find a quiet place, like a bathroom, and sit down for a while. take a few deep breaths. maybe cry again if you need to. and then think objectively about what you need to do for YOU. i know there’s some sort of complex in your mind that is forcing you to believe that going home now that you’re already at school would be some sort of unforgivable crime, but i swear it’s not. it’s not a big deal, even if your brain is making you feel like it is. if you want to ask your teacher to call your parents to come pick you up, if you feel like that would be your best option deep down, then that’s your answer right there. there’s no shame in at all, babe. looking after yourself is actually more productive than completely exhausting yourself. take today to recharge and rest, and then you’ll be more capable of actually focusing on your work when you return to school, you know? you’re only human, and you’re at the end of your limit. it happens sometimes. and it’s nobody’s fault. after some sleep, some food, and some peace and quiet, you’ll see the temporariness of it all. 

if you dont want to go home, it may be a good idea to go to your school counselor/nurse to see if you can talk to them about what’s going on. i KNOW you don’t want to, and i know it literally seems like the worst idea in the world - but at the end of the day, leaning on other people is one of the healthiest ways to cope with what you’re going through. if you feel like this a lot, there may be an underlying issue that you can get real help and support for you. where you’re at right now isn’t where you’re always going to be, and if you genuinely feel like you need some guidance, then there are so many people who are willing to give you it. i promise. talk to your parents about it, or your doctor, or someone at school, or even a hotline if you’re too scared to reach out to anyone in person at the moment. you’ll see that there are so many resources and avenues of support available, so many ways to change your perspective so that it doesn’t feel as heavy and as bleak. there are coping mechanisms, thinking patterns, forms of therapy and counselling that will help you figure out the root causes of why you think the way you do, and how to calm yourself down when you get overwhelmed. of course, it’ll be a process. i’m not saying that talking to someone is going to instantly solve everything. but it’s a really wonderful place to start. and i honestly believe with all of my heart that you can do it, love. you don’t have to fight this all on your own. others understand more than you realize at the moment. like i said before, it’s easy to turn to self hatred and destruction. but if you’re aware that that’s just a defense mechanism, then you can start acting against it - you can start putting your mental health first. please at least consider it. and for today, just find some privacy, breathe and decide what you need to do. that’s more than good enough. you wont feel like it is, but it is. i’m sending you so much love and again, i hope you know how proud i am of you. i’m rooting for you so fuckin much. i’ll be here if you need a friend or if you want to talk properly, just let me know. 

[survivorbehemoth]

Episode 13: “The new strategy is to ignore me unless they want to use me.” - Chips

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Vocaroo 2

Vocaroo 3

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So I assume everyone is voting me this round. Just like I assumed last round.

The new strategy is to ignore me unless they want to use me. So thats fun.

Anyway i was told at the last minute rhe vote changed to Brandan and... lol it did? Poor Brandan and whoever probably was either not let in or was scared of his idol.

Anyway, I was told to vote Seamus this round and I would be okay. Im putting my faith there.

this confessional is gonna be messy and i dont wanna cry on camera so here it goes. im basically just copying and pasting from my DR.

EARLIER IN THE DAY: ive made an executive decision that im going to be loyal to daisy and szymon and i don’t care if i lose to them at the end i dont have the heart in me to betray them it’s not worth it i wanna win and if i get to the end and they ask why? when you know it’s a good game move? The Winning Move? bc i think sometimes winning ain’t everything and i think getting to the end ad losing to someone worthy is fine!!! and maybe one day i’ll be able to like be ruthless in games but !!! LMAO today is not that day and it won’t be ever u know — plus they both have to know they both win to me? right? so yeah i just don’t have it i me and ill defend that in jury and also cop to it like i’ll OWN it i fucking get it but if i could still get to the end at all that should be recognized a bit and yeah maybe i’ll lose but idk it’s not worth it i don’t like how i feel rn and i don’t want to make another person feel that way bc let’s face it i can’t hinge my games on winning things ive won nothing myself this whole game it’s okay but i can’t center shit around it but i think ive played a good game and it’s different than theres and there’s so many times when they have both come to me there’s a lot ive done too

LATER IN THE DAY:

instead of chips we're cutting seamus. which fits into my boot order and what i wanted to do anyways since f9. but. daisy it not happy and i tried to explain it to her like this:

okay a few facts 1. im loyal to u and szymon first and foremost 2. next to either of u at the end i will not win 3. im okay with that at this point bc i cant really emotionally justify cutting yall and not going to fire for either of yall + i doubt ill win fic if its a f2 between the two of yall but i want to do SOMETHING game wise u know and yeah idk, i know u and seamus are close and i do feel like bad about this especially on an emotional level but i know that either way if i get to the end with either of u im losing but i wanna say at least i could make a move that showed some foresight game wise idk i hope that doesnt come off as like GUILT TRIPPY OR WHATEVER IM JUST BEING REALISTIC at this point bc i know i have my loyalty and i know it something im not good at breaking and if i get shit on it at the end if i make it, so be it, but that doesnt mean i didnt know what moves needed to be made and idk yeah and i get it if u dont feel the same way especially after this or anything but thats where my head is at.

ME IN MY DR AND TO SZYMON AN HOUR BEFORE TRIBAL:

anyways im going home tonight i feel it i really do i promise i wont throw a fit ive already been crying about another org and how dumb i am in games bc im too loyal but it is what it is and thats how i am and its not gonna change to win an org like i know this is all on me but yeah like i said to szymon if ive made daisy angry i voted for chips last round chips/daisy/seamus vote for me to go 3-3 revote dylan flips i leave period i know its over i just feel it i really do and maybe its just bc i felt the same way literally 24 hours ago in survivor week in another and i had my closest ally saying ur not going home i promise ur not going home and etc and just literally playing mental gymnastics and now mind games and using her TAROT CARDS AGAINST ME basically like the irony isnt lost on me that szymon is telling me the same thing im just calm about it im sad but im calm bc i know its happening im sad bc i dont want it to end i dont wanna go but its the end

so brandan went home and ive been nervous all round. i finally feel kinda comfortable with my 5 and yet i don't. so i didn't have time to really try on the challenge because i went out with friends and had work all day so i had 30 mins to do the challenge. sorry i don't wanna use my only free time in my day to try hard on it i actually have a life. so nOW everyone wants me out bc apparently i was playing the middle and throwing challenges. like NO BING BONG. MY GAME HAS NOT BEEN THAT GOOD AND IM FINE ADMITTING THAT. the real reason they r voting me is bc daisy is immune. that is a fact.

so all day no one speaks to me and iM LIKE IK SOMETHING IS WRONG. and finally daisy calls me and tells me jules/dylan are leading the charge against me and everyones voting me. so we whipped up this plan to pull in chips and force a tie. or rocks. either im fine with. and szymon just now 20 mins before tribal tries to bs me how theres nothing he can do. so hopefully this shit ties or jules GOES HOME.

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HOLY MOLY IS STUFF HAPPENEING AT THIS FINAL 6 LIEK!!

ugh all the outside of game stuff going on doesnt really matter but yeah sorry for no videos once again <33

i feel like this vote is really going to solidify whether or not i sit in the end or as one of the last jurors and it has me really stressed out. if i can use my extra vote this round to make a play against seamus it doesnt even matter if i win immunity at f5 bc i have an idol to play. it's really crazy to imagine myself in f4 and be like, just 1 step away from potentially winning the game

i feel like if i can stick with szymon, jules, and daisy at the end i have a good chance of making final tribal and from there it just depends on who i can beat. it is going to be hard going up against helgamine people in an all helga jury for the most part but i feel confident in the game that i've played thus far and i know im capable of speaking well so, hopefully i can convince people to see that my game is a winning one and that im not just being dragged along for the hell of it!!! newayyssss SEE YOU IN FINAL 4 <33

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Seamus is voted out 4-3. He becomes the 6th member of our jury.

Watch the Cast Assessment Below: