#i dont even have a bucket list or anything. maybe being told they're sorry but skydiving is easier
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knowing im going to die very young somehow doesnt make the psychological violence any easier to bear
#like ik i wont have to carry this for a long time but at the same time i know that id live longer if noone had abused me psychologically#some of us dont heal and it's ok. im not even like pre-mourning or anything. nobody is#some of cant heal even if they try. some dont try. it's all ok#i feel like this is probably my last autumn ever and i realise that if i were in a better headspace id do so many things#but i've chosen not to carry on with this life and the girl who was recently euthanized since she wanted to inspired me#obv i dont have money so im going to probably just do the good old jump and drown#it doesnt even scare me. i dont even care. if it did i wouldve picked a different option lol#but it's been months since i've decided that these are going to be my last 12 months. 10 now actually#i thought it was going yo get easier but its not. im just waiting#if i had a terminal disease it'd all be easier bc at least it's visible#but my disease is indeed going to terminate me and that disease is called depression#somehow it doesnt make it any easier. it's just another day of the 300-something days i have left when someone abuses me psychologically#like it's a count down at most#i dont even have a bucket list or anything. maybe being told they're sorry but skydiving is easier#i have always known i was going to die young. always. since i was like 8. and i wasnt scared. just sad#but sadness is not an active killer. it's silent and slow#also please in the remote case that somebody reads this: dw. im not dying yet. i have one thing to do first and its going to take months
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