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bloopitynoot · 2 days

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Reading SVSSS: Chapter 13

For those who don't know, I am reading SVSSS for the first time and sharing my thoughts!

If you have not read it, there will be spoilers! Consider this a warning.

Also- if you want to follow along, I am aiming to post updates daily. You can find all the posts in the tag bloopitynoot reads SVSSS. You can also check out the intro post for context on my read.

I'm here! Finally posting yesterday's read.

Last night I was watching critical role and making flower crowns for the ren faire today and I totally lost track of time. But I did read earlier and I have the notes!

Anyways; no tea- I slammed this coke zero. The flower crowns ended up being real cute though.

Here we go; last chapter of book 2!

I'm already nervous :( this chapter is titled coercion. Coercion of who?

Well. Shen Qingqiu arrives and the mountain is already under siege- solid start. p283

This is less a reflection on this current chapter and more a thought about the longevity of this character; but I feel like Luo Binghe is going to inevitably perish. The reckless abandon in which he approaches anything Shizun adjacent is going to end this man. Like in this chapter- fully just tells everyone he's of demonic heritage- 0 fucks, no care for his own life now or in the future. Sure, he's powerful as hell but like eventually he has to sleep. p284

Oh gosh. Both Yue Qingyuan and Liu Qingge are in a bad way AND they are in the same room as Luo Binghe. p285

Okay but to be fair, when it comes to the body of Shen Qingqiu I am on the side of the sect here. Like bare minimum even if this man supposedly committed all the crimes (he didnt and they do know this) he still deserves to have proper death rites. Luo Binghe did do some unhinged things. pp 286-287

RIP Shang Qinghua LOL everyone knows you are an opportunist with nary a loyal bone in your body. Congrats on your entire sect knowing now p288

OOP. the audacity of Luo Binghe to Liu Qingge "ah! The loser I defeated" I mean not wrong but you dont have to be a dick about it. p289 Luo Binghe is so cocky!

and here we have SQQ inserting himself into mortally dangerous situations that he could have walked away from. The self sacrificing he has been doing this entire book (intentional or not) is so wild. This man cannot do anything in a stealthy way- everything dramatic and loud and at the centre of attention. p290

WAIT! "caught you shizun" p290 He did know! I had a suspicion!

What did you expect SQQ ofc he meant to draw you out. He could have tracked you but he lost the ability to do so with the other demon. p293

as an aside I am now wondering how this is going to work out. The Zhuzhi-Lang can also torture and track him at a distance- this is going to be a later problem for SQQ and Luo Binghe no doubt

oh poor buddy "you're not a fool...I am" p293

ooooooo. "didn't my sweetness make shizun oh-so happy?" p294. that's not even it oh no so much emotional damage

Also Shang Qinghua exposed again with the mushroom info p294

I am on SQQ's side with this one. How can the sect be mad about him not going there right away when he was kind of underground and also had to relearn how to move his own body p295

I am annoyed at Liu Qingge and I think, maybe, unjustifiably. I feel like his character is complicated and eventually I want to read a character study or two about him for more insight. What prompted this is: he is both acknowledging that SQQ is doing something utterly selfless for the sect but also pissed that he's doing it at all. Like- is it him feeling inadequate? Or is it how he feels about SQQ or the sect? idk- I will continue to think about him. p297

Luo Binghe was not satisfied with mushroom-zun he also wants the original body?? p299

RIP all of SQQ's dignity and his mental health "I've already submitted to you" p299 his word choice though LOL

His body is missing?!?!?!?!?!? p300

what a cliffhanger! Now I need to know who stole his corpse! If it ends up being 2 SQQ's OR that Luo Binghe's dad is using SQQ's original body I am done done LOL.

We finished book 2!

Thank you to those who have been reading along- this has truly been so fun! I appreciate all the comments and clarifications; they have been helpful and have been making this reading process super engaging. Getting to chat about the thing I am enjoying with others who also love The Thing has been a solid highlight of my days!

#bloopitynoot reads svsss #svsss spoilers #mxtx svsss #svsss #scum villian self saving system #scum villain

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veiledandvocal · 2 years

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#I'm so tired #how do y'all sleep???#i went to bed at a normalish time #but dont feel rested at all #i dont feel like working/doing much of anything today #but i have to #on the bright side #the sun is out today and it is truly giving me life #alhamdullilah #also #a friend of mine just got engaged and im so happy for her #she went through a lot with her ex husband #anyways #not sure what i expected #with writing this out #but i guess i feel a bit better #if anyone reads this #know that you are not alone out there #personal

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perilegs · 1 month

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my sweet little baby man is no longer with us

#he had his bloodwork done yesterday and the vet said it was fine but he doesnt have much time left #and my bestie is a vet tech who wanted to see the lab results bc she always does and she looked at them #and asked me if she can shiw them to her boss today and i was like sure and immediately knew something was up #today keekki was being himself #then i went to run some errands and when i came back he was laying in front of the front door with his tiny baby head against it #and i was like ''oh ok one of his seizures?''#and theyre like. keekki will drool and not move and they usually last for like 20 minutes (several vets have no idea whats up with those #but it was probably either a kidney or a blood pressure thing)#anyways. it did not pass in 20 minutes so i Knew #i laid on the floor next to him #then my bff sent me a message asking me if i have the time to talk about keekki and its not good news #at this point i was about to call the vet anyways #and she was like ''ok i showed these to my boss (a vet) and she got super angry that ur vet even let you leave the clinic''#bc apparently keekkis bloodwork was so bad he should have been put down then and there but my vet was like a fresh half graduate #so i dont hold it against her. anyways i got an euthanasia appointment for this evening and spent the time before it laying on the couch #crying with keekki in my arms #i had to carry him bc he couldnt really walk without stumbling and falling down #when i had to get up to get his carrier and stuff ready he was taking a nap on the couch where i left him and i took this pic #anyways worst vet visit of my life i could hardly even do anything but nod half the time bc speaking results in me sobbing #anyways. this fucking sucks #i dont know how ill be able to sleep tonight #its been years since i last slept at home without having a little guy plop into my arms #i spent a long time with him in the vet room when he was gone #it feels surreal ive given him his last ever forehead kisses #as i left the room i told him bye the exact same way ive been saying bye to him for the last very many years ive had him #its always moikka keekki before i go to work or the store or literally anything #and that was my last moikka keekki #i hope he felt how loved he was #my dad is sending me older pics of me and keekki and he looks so happy in them. hes always right next to me #idk man im going to stop rambling now

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wormchaser · 3 days

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you are complaining about complaining too much while complaining about the fact that maybe people dont like you because you complain too much while complaining about being alone. just stop complaining and do something about it. talk to people. reach out. dont just wait for someone to come to you first.

i have tried reaching out to different people in the past year or so but it never works. i understand its my own fault for letting relationships decay because of my own insecurities and issues but that doesn't mean i can just will myself to think or believe different things about myself. it's a self fulfilling prophecy ; i think people don't like me so i don't reach out so people don't like me etc . i am sure you do not want to hear me list all the things i want to say in response so i will put them in the tags.

#every time i try to reach out or talk to someone it goes nowhere. i dont have any social skills anymore and have no clue how to keep a #conversation going. half the time even when i do people stop replying to me. which is fine theydont owe me a reply but still feels likeshit #when i tried to make one new irl friend it just didn't work because they have better options for friends. we spoke occasionally but never #messaged online like ever and would only talk when we happened to be in the same place. i tried multiple times to organize a time to hangou #none of which came to pass. i dont understand why this one didn't work because i thought this person was interested in being my friend but #i guess i was wrong or thought they were more interested than they really were.#i have a problem with reaching out anyway which has been a problem i have had since i was like 11. reaching out to people first doesnt come #easily to me - in the beginning when i was a lot younger i didn't want to bother people with my presence & thought if i were to come to #someone first they would feel pressured into talking to me when they didn't want to. this is stupid of course. but has still not left me as #something i feel is very core to the way i act today. waiting for someone to come to me first feels like my only option because i do not #know how to reach out effectively (my evidence being i have failed every time i have tried) & i am convinced people dont like me in the #first place and do not want me to approach them.#i dont really even know who to reach out to in the first place. my world is extremely narrow. the number of people i know has shrunk #significantly and my standing in their eyes collectively has also shrunk significantly in the past few years. i feel like every person i #was once friends with wants nothing to do with me. i feel as if i have burned every bridge possible.#when it comes to the fact i complain all the time . which i know of course is annoying. its because i cant find any kind of joy in anything #i do or see or whatever. nothing makes me happy - i only see things to complain about. all stimulus seems grating and the world seems #specifically catered to make me miserable. all i can really do is complain. i treat this blog like a stream of consciousness and when most #of that consciousness is occupied with how much i hate being alive the blog will mostly be complaining. its a vicious cycle lol .#anyway . i guess the key theme is low self esteem begets low self esteem in many ways. mental illness begets mental illness.#i am not really saying this to anyone least of all to you anon. i just felt compelled to recount i guess for myself the reasons that came #to mind for why i am like this. i am talking to myself here

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calamitys-child · 1 month

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I'm being so serious rn if I ever talk about doing another fringe festival run in the next like 3 years at least send me to fucking therapy. It is a cry for help. This is bad for me.

#im over halfway at least. but fucking christ.#ive barely seen anyone i care about for weeks. im hardly sleeping. im in knee braces and im still in pain.#13 hours a day of people yelling at me. the busiest ive ever seen public transport. eating the most random sporadic shit.#no hobbies. very few friends or family. crying twice a day. i still havent been paid. binding!! binding 7am til midnight!!!! daily!!!!!#my whole body hurts im physically mentally emotionally exhausted im desperately lonely im not doing the things that make me feel fulfilled #when my loved ones are free im either working or passed out in pain and exhaustion #the boss is enabling all sorts of bullshit yet again #im not able to be a person anyone i care about deserves to know #and that makes me not want to know me either #that is at least when i have enough fractions of a spoon left to feel anything at all except upset or numb #i NEED this all to be over #my next free day is my sisters 21st birthday next month my fucking baby sister is turning 21 and i dont know what to get her #i dont have a brain im not being!! a person worth knowing!!!!#my gran fucking fell the other day she's hurt ive not visited her in ages bc of work and finance i want to see my wee gran i want #to buy her ice cream and tell her i love her #i had to clean up an old guy who smashed his face on the pavement today and im just putting That trauma off til at least mid September #my BEST FRIEND gets MARRIED next week #and i can barely think about it because im on empty #im on below empty #they deserve so much better from me #im out. im not doing this again. not like this.

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opens-up-4-nobody · 7 months

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...

#what do you call it when a mind is lacking in depth of m thought? is there a word for that?#because all my mind can do is spin in tiny circles. never push any further. no depth of thought #i cant even carry out this line of thought to completion in my head. i have to write it down like this or else it remains stuck in an eddy #its so frustrating. when my thoughts are pressured i spin so fast it feels like my head might pop but the thoughts never go anywhere #bc they just repeat the same god damn things all thr fucking time. they drag me around in circles. then when im feeling low or even like #normal. my head just feels empty and it freaks me out. i have no intersting thoughts to think. theres nothing behind my eyes #possibly its just my brain on 0cd. but how am i suppose to escape the spiral if its in my own head? i guess im just supposed to changr my #reaction to it. recognize what it is and let it go. but i dont like it #i just want to curl up on a warm tile floor. press myself into a quiet corner and not think anything #in an aquarium or a conservatory. specifically the conservatory in Columbus. i love that place #i went there for my birthday when i was like 12 bc i liked it so much. the botanically gardens and the butterflies and the stained glass #i dunno. i just like it there. ugh. im just tired #god. there was a really cool talk today and im always like im not that inattentive lol but then i cannot for the life of me follow a talk or #read a paper all thr way through. my short term working memory is just a tiny little cup. easy to overfill #so i miss mostly everything. its so frustrating #its all frustrating. whatever. back to the psychiatrist tomorrow. probably up thr lamicta1 dosage #bc im past where i was last time i had a reaction to it 💪#i just wish i wanted to draw. drawing just makes me tired and impatient rn #unrelated

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poptartmochi · 6 days

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disillusionment w my job vs heavy fear that messing up my paycheck will blow the household financials up

#even if i got a job that paid the same or better... the weekly paycheck clutches so hard #but now that I'm back on printing i just feel rot 😭 i felt so stupid today and it reminded me of every day before school season #where i also felt stupid every day #and i just ... don't want to feel like that anymore! the past year has been a blur bc work is so 💢 and it does concern me #i want to go back to school so bad 🥲 i dont just want to speedrun a certification and get in the classroom... i want to have a degree!#and be actually engaged in it and Learn things.. i remember nothing from my aa 💃🏻 my only skills rn are like. customer service and ms #office 😑 what!!! what!!!#need to become stronger and more employable and learned but. at what cost 👤#my big other concern is that printing is so draining that i only have enough spoons to get myself home and then it's decomposition time..#so the thought of driving to voice lessons for auditions is.. a very tiring one.. much less actually rehearsing or studying or doing #anything 😑 the rot!!! the rot!!!#i just need to get through this year + speedrun my parents' divorce. 2024 will be the year things begin happening #*2025.. see this is what i mean!! 😭😭#sriracha.txt

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nomairuins · 2 months

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i just fucking hate having ptsd all of it. so many stupid fucking things send me into fucking hysterics it sucks and i hate it and i dont want itttt anymore i dont want it.

#i literally like. i didnt tell u guys bc it was embarassing #but i had to hype myself up to eat a fucking orange the other day. like i was shaking and crying and i nearly threw up.#bc it fucking reminded me of All that and also bc its one of the only foods i got to eat outside ofm my one meal a day #while i was living there. bc my coworker gave me oranges sometimes #and one time she gave me a whole bag of cuties which was wonderful of her i miss her #but i pretty much like. bc during m-f i had a meal at work #and i could get something from the vending machine if i needed to #but on the weekends i had to either order food (which would always make me insanely nauseous bc of. the money stuff. yk) or just eat #what i had in my room bc i couldnt use the kitchen bc the roommates would be mad at me #and they might kick me out and id be actually fucked. its so crazy looking back that i genuinely the entire time i fucking lived there even #b4 the breakup the entire time i was in terror that theyd evict me. bc i wouldnt have been able to do anything abt it #i mean thats why i didnt like. leave him after he . and stuff. both bc i thought i didnt deserve anything better and bc i was terrified #theyd evict me and i wouldnt have any way to get home. it was terrifying #but ya. so for a couple weeks i rationed myself One orange per day lol. and on weekends that was all i was able to eat rly #idk. i hate ptsd. basicalllyyyy is the gist of ittt. and i keep thinking abt random fucking things they did to me #me when they jokingly tell me to starve myself when i literally have a fucking eating disorder. and when i told The Only Person i knew in #that fucking house abt it he told me i was being dramatic and i was just being greedy and etc. and then later when i got off work today i #saw on their fucking whiteboard in the kitchen i wasnt supposed to use Eat more <3 as one of their goals. while i went to sit in the garage #for the weekend eating a single fucking orange a day. god #idk. ive gotten better with eating i still have the scale but i ws able to go months without using it until the medical call the other week #and i havent used it since but. everytime i think abt all that itmakes me want to go back to it. i cant tho everyone would notice #i do still eat a wholee lot less than i did b4 washington but idk. idont remember if i even ate today i probably should but i dont feel #hungry but i cant even fucking trust that bc i Starved myself for so fucking long im too good at ignoring hunger. and i never was super in #touch with my body but im constantly numb now. idk.#ed ment #a2t #i ws gonna say more but it ws tmi + tag limit anyway. its just insane that my fucking ed wouldnt have happened if it werent for him and it #graduated i wouldnt have been isolatedinever wouldve had an ed. like 50% of my ptsd would be Gone if i just hadnt joined that discord. lol

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bouncyballextraordinaire · 2 months

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really just flubbed it at work today - this whole week has just been extraordinarily shitty

#tried a facilitation thing and it didnt work right bc i think i worded something poorly and so nobody got anything out of it and in fact ppl #ppl felt like it did more harm than good and i can totally see how #and also like yesterday went to shit and part of it was on me but my boss talked to me today and just told me all kinds of things that #apparently are our policy but not what i was told when i started and so even more things then became my fault #and i feel like this whole week i just have lost sight of what my job actually is and how to do it right #ive never had a job where i feel this insecure about what im doing all the time and im really starting to dread it bc i my job has so much #impact on the ppl i work with and i genuinely dont know if i can manage it i feel a lot of shame around how things played out this week and #my own skills #ouch my posts

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ana-rends · 3 months

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i would rather live with ana for the rest of my life than binge like this ever again

#rending.txt #i dont know how to stop binging i was doing so well yesterday and then for no reason it fell apart #i just want to stop #i have so much to do today but i just dont want to do anything im so depressed #im just going to lay in bed and eat all day and think up ways to die #i already know my chosen method i just cant be bothered right now so maybe later #i just want to keep sleeping #i called in sick to work today because i was so so tired and i slept i think nearly 12 hours which isnt bad #i wanna go on a walk and work out and stuff but i just. cant right now. i need to work on my job presentation but i just cant #i just want to keep eating and go back to sleep and then wake up and end it #but i just need to make it to therapy tomorrow and maybe itll get better? who knows #i dont even have the energy to walk up to tesco to get blades or more food so im laying im bed eating dry granola like a pathetic pig #i dont wanna talk to anyone but my boyfriend but hes asleep and i dont want to vent to him anymore because it makes me feel guilty #and it doesnt help to vent to him anymore so i just make him sad for no reason and i dont know how to vent to anyone else #i havent changed my bedsheets in weeks and theres so much trash on my floor you can barely walk in my room and i havent showered in a week #i just dont have the heart to cry anymore i just want it to stop #i did everything i was supposed to so i could prevent binges and it didnt work at all so i think im beyond saving lol

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filthyjanuary · 8 months

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feeling sad :(

#sorry this is such a dumb thing to be sad about im a grown ass adult but like two thirds of the people i invited to my birthday #either cant come or said they would then bailed and like #some of them have legit reasons but some of them i'm kind of like :/ ok well i put in so much effort for yall would be really nice #if a crumb of that was reciprocated #idk i dont ask for much on my birthday i just want to have a nice dinner with my friends #and i have friends who like throw the biggest tantrum fusses about their birthdays and make it this entire spectacle #and people still humour them so it's kind of like #idk #do i really suck that bad that you cant make a saturday evening work to like eat good food #idk maybe next year i just wont plan anything #and everyone'll be like BUT SIMA IT'S THE BIG ONE and i'll be like well! i wish it werent!#bc it'll suck even more to have people not come lmao i dont actually think i've ever had a milestone birthday people just dont give a shit #this includes my parents idk like they are nice to me on my birthday but like no birthday was ever like hashtag special #and like the holidays already sucked so bad this year they did not feel like the holidays half the people i got presents for #didnt get me anything which is like fine i dont give presents to get them back but it kind of sucks to not even get a card? a thank you???#idk this is so stupid i am turning 29 i pay taxes this should not be a big deal #maybe it's bc i feel like half my 20s were pandemic years so it kind of sucks that theyre basically over and idk im just feeling sad and ol #and lonely and just kind of shitty and unlikeable #AND IT'S DUMBBBBB TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY I PASSED MY DRIVING TEST IDK WHY I'M CRYING FUCK MY STUPID BAKA LIFE

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spamtoon · 5 months

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(Out of nowhere, you are approached by a familiar lightbulb-headed Cog.)

Ah, it's you, cat. Thinking you're oh-so-slick. Muttering and whispering under those raggedy whiskers of yours... Thinking I am unable to hear it all...

Well, you've simply underestimated my fantastic hearing. You probably want to know the reason why I'm here, taking a 'break' from my incredibly important scientific breakthroughs? It's quite simple, really!

(She gets close, and squints her eyes.)

I know what you are.

Farewell, now!

(She then leaves the way she came from.)

(Spam giggles immensely, covering her face... it always seems like she's giggling, isn't she? This lasts... at least thirty seconds. Longer than usual.)

And I know what I am too, Sparky! You broke through something, that's for sure. Really, broke through...

(She looks down, continuing to laugh nervously.)

You know, I find it odd you Havent tried to bulb blast me into the stratosphere by now. I mean knowing how you acted with Frostbite. Is there something peculiar about me that you perhaps can't quite track? Something about me that you... don't know what I am?

I know, I know, I'm talking to nobody again. But you were there when I had a moment today with the one the only Frostbite The Bravecog. You may be remaining. Lurking in the shadows. Knowing about these thoughts that I'm thinking.

(The giggling resumes, lasting far shorter this time.)

Your brother's a piece of fucking barp, by the way

(She braces for impact for a few seconds, wincing while smiling, before comically looking around to realize nobody's there. She sighs.)

Wow, okay maybe toony superhero show logic doesn't apply in this situation. Cool.

WAIT I JUST FUCKING REALIZED WHAT SHE MEANT but like. Dude if she meant that then what's the point I mean the whole ahh sellbot department barping knows unless you're Really low on the ladder. Heheh... maybe she did mean what I thought she meant.

Oh i'm so fucking screwed. What kind of bitch gets filament fever

#bright spark #<- for finding this again later. haha i called her sparky #the way she talks fucking tickles my brain so much im so . ohguohguohoghog SHE #SORRY THAT THIS TOOK SO LONG you see i was in the mindset that i would do this one little thing and then i would do my work which uh.#that leads to so so SO much procrastination. including on fun things! oh so fun things.#today was an event.#i also spent quite a bit of time ruminating i “would she really say that” is worse when shes literally you #to clarify. she is spam's aunt by like. building standards. not really in her found family. so its fucked up but as i said in discord this #is like. a “your mom's kinda hot” level crush. you know. also sorry i really wanted to say filament fever its been eating at me okay #nothing SERIOUS the way my f/os (and spam's f/os (plural now?? i guess?? if today was a canon event)) are #honestly mark still feels like the only real one with her to me but damn it. if spam's reflecting My Changes then she's Reflecting My Chang #spam in toontown unlike my other sonas is the most “its just you again” out of all of them and thats partially because her main #cog connection... is frostbite. they bounce off each other like we literally bounce off each other and damn it shes been so stagnant on her #own because of it. mark happened and she mirrored that because i kept fucking talking about him while we were in character and ideally #i should TRY to fix her. but also man because i'm not doing Serious lore stuff with her i dont. even know if i want to.#i kinda brushed it over the rug by saying that she relies on her constant entertainment so readily because she herself still doesnt feel #like she has a place outside of cogs only. sure she's in high roller backstage sure she's in allan's family now but shes not Doing anything #with herself the way that her friends are. mole's a ranger. frostbite cohosts. wishes... has chip. and something she doesn't have--#living and fully growing as a toon. rather than being haphazardly slapped into a world. and in some respects she's envious of frostbite #finding themselves so quickly because she distracts herself because she's still kinda struggling with it. despite everything. yes she lives #happy and carefree a lot of the time but she keeps buying those dumb phones because when she's truly alone... her mind starts to wander.#that's what mark is for. so that spam can dream of a world where she has a purpose. even if its fake and fragile and just nothing compared #to the great friends that she already has. where she feels like its worth it doing something when she doesn't have anyone. and in that #respect. with the goons ma allan parallels in sonboy the spam cathal parallels shine. seeking tv (and to a lesser extent games) as a #method of escapism. even when one's life is already pretty good. because there's nothing else worth doing without friends or family.#the internet isn't just cool. it gives her something to be when it seems like everyone is something but her. and maybe thats a lazy #excuse for why it seems like she doesnt HAVE anything to call her own but that but damn it i'm trying my best to twist it around.#spam has such a HISTORY yknow? even if it feels like i havent established her much.#spam is the hearts to frostbite's spades not just because they're the duo of all time but because spam's fake stupid love keeps her going #sorry i just started rambling in the tags of this post about spam it. happens. she loves her friends so much i need to reiterate that okay

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gattmammon · 8 months

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So the molecule change is going badly

#i know this is the worst moment because im taking halved dosage of both meds #so my serotonin receptors are like. what exactly are we doing. and im hurting all over which is a sympthom of duloxetina withdrawal for me.#but fuck i had NOT realized how much the drug contributed to keeping my will to live up throughout the day #its kind of disappointing #this feels like way back in the days when i was just rawdogging life and its. uuuuh no good #both my general doctor and my job gave me shit about how many times ive been missing work #and like. i cannot say anything beyond im sorry #because depression is so hard to explain. people dont accept 'i just could not bring myself to be a human today' as a valid excuse #like literally i kept thinking. j need to do this and that. but my body was like. nah #and like this job is my pride and joy. i had a spotless fucking record. im so sad and angry at myself #i just hope that when i start taking full dosage of the new meds things will smooth themselves over

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scarletcomet · 6 months

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guess whose therapist thinks she could benefit from inpatient treatment

#got really depressed and a bit suicidal during my session today #im not actively suicidal rn but i feel so hopeless and i just want to give up resulting in some suicidal thoughts #the thoughts of hurting myself are getting louder and more overwhelming #so im not at a point rn where i think i need inpatient but im worried about getting worse #im going to nyc this weekend and seeing 2 shows and some of my favorite broadway actors but i do not feel excited #i want to feel excited but i just dont. i should be excited. if this doesn't make me feel something #then i doubt anything will.#reminds me of late may/early june when i wasnt excited for my birthday or the taylor swift concert because i did not want to live anymore #im worried that this is a warning sign. i feel like ive made so much progress with treatment in the last 10 months #but i feel like i haven't made enough progress and i feel like ive hit a wall and there's no improvement to be made #because I've tried like everything. i feel so hopeless. ive been in treatment for almost a year.#even inpatient i doubt would help me. like ive been there and done that. i spent nearly 20 days in inpatient last summer #only benefit would be seeing my doctor sooner but that's assuming i could even get a bed in the 11 person unit she works inpatient at #what benefit would seeing my doctor even do? we've tried almost everything and im on the max dose of most my meds #idk what to do #i feel like im running out of options. the only depression treatments i havent tried are ketamine and ect #i guess my options are ketamine ect suicide or continuing feeling how i feel now but i dont know how much longer i can live like this

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nomaishuttle · 10 months

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ohhh fml i was like maybe i cn stya up a bit late after all its weekend tomorrow. no it fucking isnt today was thursday i have work tmrw everything is evil always

#gonna get ready 4 bed ig.. i wanna try n wake up at ermm 545 bc ive been sleeping in far too much and ive barely been brushing my teeth in #the mornings ive mostly just been doing mouthwash #aughhh idk why my body is being so dire today my thighs r doing the incredibly weak and fatigued thing again. i feel like that tweet thats #like im probably nonbinary but i have a job so idc abt that rn but its i probably have some undiagnosed physical disorders but i live in a #garage so idc abt that rn #idk. its been going on for a couple years but its been getting worse to the point i can barely move my legs when it happens #that and then my limbs have been falling asleep very quickly even when theres nothing thyat would like. im not laying on them or anything #ill just be walking or something arms at my sides and one or both will get rly bad pins and needles #and it rly sucks and is weird. but again i live in a fucking garage so it is fr the least of my worries #like rn at my computer typing my arm isnt resting on anything or having any pressure put on it and my hand is falling asleep. UGH #it has been happening a ton with my hands i get this weirxd sensation in my wrist/palm zone that like. idk #its weird and i should prolly get it checked out but i dont have a dr rn and like. worst case scenario i chop my arms off and either surviv #and have a good story or i die and dont have to go to work anymore. so

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opens-up-4-nobody · 10 months

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#my therapist teaching me a mindfulness technique: so what do u think?#me: this is like how vulcans deal with their emotions. they recognize them and set them side. acknowledge and accept #also i need to send these thoughts away on icebergs in the ocean instead of on clouds in the sky #its the exact opposite of what u were saying but i think abt the terror so god damn much its infected me down to the bone #literally anything she tells me i gotta b like: how can i either relate this to media or fold this into a metaphor?#bc i guess thats just how my brain works idk.#ugh. saw the psychologist and psychiatrist today and now theyre perscribing me ab1lify #hope it works. i dont have the perspiration in hands yet. i wish my brain would just b Normal #but i feel generally better than i did last week already #they think im sensitive to medication. either my body or my mind. ie. i freak myself out and my body reacts #so i convince myself im having a reaction. they haven't said that but im sure theyre thinking it bc im also thinking it lol #cant pin me down. my mind is too slippery #things i did not think would happen to me: a bip0lar diagnosis and prescription for anti psychotics #unrelated

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