#i went to bed at a normalish time

[veiledandvocal]

.

[im-totally-not-an-alien-2]

The safety on his gun was turned back on with an inaudible click as Jason let the tension leak out of his body.

It wasn't often that someone broke into one of his safe houses, especially one that he hadn't used in a while, so seeing as some of his silent alarms went off he raced over ready to put a bullet in some wannabe robber or maybe a goon sent by another crime lord trying to start something.

Instead he found a prime bat adoption bait sitting in the living room floor, bare stomach pressed to the side of a ginormous egg. It didn't look like any egg hed ever seen either with midnight blue fuzz covering the whole thing. "Hey kid."

The kids head whipped around, startled by a strangers voice. "Who are you?" He asked incredulously, hugging the monster egg closer to himself, "How did you get in here? This place has some serious security."

Jason gave a short laugh, "Yeah, I know. I'm the one who put it there." He watched with mild amusement as the color drained from the kids face.

"You're the apartment owner? I thought he was supposed to be some big scary crime lord!"

"I'm not scary to you?" It wasn't uncommon for people to be intimidated by him. He was, as Steph put it, 'built like a fridge'.

The adoption bait stared into his eyes for a few torturously long seconds before simply saying, "No."

Huh.

"So, whats up with the egg?" He asked, trying to change the subject.

"Thats my line, Todd." A voice said from across the room. Both him and the little intruder snapped there attention to the window where Robin was perched. Jason fought back the urge to chastise the little bat for using his real name seeing as he was out of costume at the moment. After all he was here as Jason Todd, normalish civilian man who came to see why his house was broken into, not Red Hood. Jason almost wished with was some goon working for a big bad even if it would have meant his secret identity was busted, he would have been at least dealing with that instead of Damians inevitable animal custody battle with the kid. Speaking of which.

"Hey kid, whats your name?"

"Danny Fenton." The kid-Danny, tilted his head. "I think."

Robin raised an eyebrow, causing his mask to sift with it, "You think?"

Danny nodded, "Yeah. Got blasted with something a few weeks ago and I don't remember much before that." His grip on the egg had loosened a bit and Robin chose this as he time to strike. Bird boy tried to lift the egg up out of the intruders impromptu blanket nest, but seemed to have misjudged the weight of the egg that was as big as both children's torsos and Danny was swift to take back his egg.

"What do you think you're doing?! Thats mine!" Egg dad hissed.

"Tt. I will be better able to care for the creature. You should just hand it over now. Do you even know whats in there?"

"No! Neither do you!"

Jason knew Robin couldn't refute that so he chose now to step in, "Where did that thing even come from?

He watched as Dannys scowl turned into a beaming smile as he told them about how he was hiding behind a dumpster for warmth when this egg just fell out of the sky and with quick thinking, managed to catch it with a bed of ruined pillows from a recent villian attack. "So you can't take my dragon egg away. I'm the only reason it didn't become a failed street omelet." Danny held his hands on his hips while giving Robin a smug look.

Before the demon brat could say anything or, more likely, try to wipe that smirk off the other kids face, a new person swooped in through the window. "You think its a dragon egg?"

The kid seemed unbothered by the Batman questioning him and just replied with, "Yeah! Look how big it is! Its gotta be a dragon!"

Bruce looked like he was about to have an aneurysm, "You found a large egg of an unknown, potentially supernatural creature and decided to incubate it?"

"Yeah!"

Jason decided he liked this kid.

[mikedfaist]

wait are mike and famous!reader… a collective EGOT winner????? he has an emmy and a grammy and she got an oscar for the movie where she hurt herself and a tony for i think it was the green day musical??? look at them go

i really need to go to bed because it's 2 am but i need to talk all things lore

SO, she's actually a full on EGOT winner in my book. My girl deserves nothing less. I had to go back and look, but I think the musical was in relation to just a normalish reader, not really our famous girlie. Things get confusing with multiple timelines! So here's a full list of our famous reader.

She did theatre as a child, was on the West End and it got moved to Broadway, and she did that long enough to get her Tony, and then she dipped. She was like 10-years-old at this time. Went back into acting as a teenager, was also simultaneously working on music and that seemed to lift off quicker so she focused on that. Got her first Grammy when she was 20, next was her Oscar when she was 24, and then her Emmy a few years ago, so she was maybe like 27? I'm not sure, math doesn't exist at 2:30 am.

Now, for our normalish reader, she doesn't have the Oscar, so they aren't collectively EGOT winners (which is adorable btw??) but she would love to win that Oscar one day. So for her, it's just her Tony.

I need to find a way to organize these timelines better because it does get a bit confusing and I apologize!

[acanthemp3]

went to bed at a normalish time woke up at 6pm i wasnt meant to live in this world

[kierancampire]

Is this TMI? yes. Do I care? No, cause I feel like I'm dying

I dunno if it's IBS or food poisoning but my god the pain. Last night when I tried to go to bed, my stomach was incredibly painful, like it hurt so much, and I was feeling like I needed to go, but when I tried I was just constipated, bloated and gassy, I sat there for ages and not much came out but the entire time I was in so much pain and it just felt awful. I usually go 1-3 times in the morning, but it can take me a while to feel I need to go, however this morning when I woke up I IMMEDIATELY needed to go, like it was desperate! I went, felt fine, it was all good

However about 2 hours or so have passed since, I was just doing the dishes when my body told me it needed to go again, which was normalish, but now it's just gone to shit (pardon the pun) again. I sat down and everything was fine and normal at first, but then all of a sudden the intense stomach pains kicked in, I was being incredibly gassy, I felt like I was about to go at any moment yet nothing was coming out, it was awful. Again, not to get TMI but usually I'm like a slip and slide, I sit down and it's out. But both last night and currently right now, I've been sitting on the toilet for 15-20 minutes in pain, feeling like I need to go, but I can't, and it's just the pain, my borthole feels like it's burning lightly when something eventually came out but I don't feel any better, my stomach feels so bad

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

#21

I took like 750 earlier and my days on days of constantly popping pills has brought some kinda shitty side effects. This is a a bit tmi but i figure it would be something that I'd wanna keep track of now. But uh I can now go a whole day without taking a piss. I really gotta work keeping hydrated. I was already chronically dehydrated when I wasn't taking dph but my already not enough water intake with pills that slurp up any and all moisture is definitely not helping. It got so bad that I physically couldn't cry. I'd be in the motion of it but no tears would come. Tho if I'm being real I'm prolly gon do another 500 once it gets a little later. I'm stressing stressing and I just want to pretend nothings wrong for a while. I'm gonna chug hella water in the meantime tho

Warning in advance this post is really long. Both the aftermath and notes are extremely extensive due to me fr fr going through it rn. I figured I'd rather have an overly detailed note that most'll skip but might help one person feel normal than a vague/quick explanation that doesn't give enough info to be of use to anyone genuinely struggling

This is gonna be a long aftermath section cause there's actually a lot I need to explain but if you don't need/want specifics the tldr would be

AFTERMATH

-I think I'm jaundiced rn. I'm not entirely sure as if I am or I'm just looking too hard but I've had previous issues with excess bile so it's a real possibility

-Hella dehydrated. Excessive crying and a high dose has made it a lot worse in a shorter amount of time. I can't cry again due to how little water I have in me

-Appetite has been hugely varies day by day but lately I haven't really been wanting/remembering to eat. It has been damn near 24 hours since I've ate last and even then I didn't eat much. I feel sick cause of it

-I don't feel overly sickly tho. I feel pretty much normalish considering everything that went down last night

The rest of this is a lot of rambling but those points are the general jist of it. Definitely read if you're curious about how all that happened.

....or if you wanna see me whining about R's partner for the probably 50th time now.... T^T

Soo I ended up taking 600/650 (dont remember which) after I was crying for so.. sooo long. I was crying so hard that I gave myself a headache and my stomach/chest kinda hurt from me trying to hold back from sobbing too loudly. I eventually stopped once I had to go upstairs for some toilet paper cause my nose... yuck.. I literally never cry for long enough where that's an issue but I was sulking one second and that SPRINTING up the stairs the next. The shit was threatening to fall out my nose and like... it was either gonna fall on me or my bed or my floor... basically my snot was tryna play flee the facility and while I was in a shitty mood, I was not in a bad enough mood to chill with snot all over me

Though I don't know what possessed me in that moment but I took a video of myself while I was up there. You could clearly see my red ass eyes and my puffy eyelids. I will confess I do kinda like how I look after I cry cause of the puffy thing but I mean. Usually I would have the common sense to know no one else is gonna see it that way so there is literally 0 point to try and take pictures like that.

Sorry slight tangent. I bring all that up cause when I rewatched the video, I noticed that my skin looked a little off. I've been breaking out for a few reasons lately and I was picking at my skin for a bit out of stress. So when I watched the video and it was like.. smooth looking I was kinda like ?? my camera must suck ass. Thats weird

But today I looked at it and I feel like I looked glowyish which was strange. I was just sitting there like, it aint even like shiny glowy I'm just lighter looking.. then I noticed I was weirdly yellow. I was just sitting there looking like.. am i tripping? so I go to the bathroom and I ofc, looked sickly. I mean. That's a given. I took 1.5k in a single day, I haven't taken any since I woke up, barely slept, barely ate, dehydrated, sobbed for hours... I am a hot mess. God. Anyway. I looked way different than I ever had before. I know how I look when I'm withdrawing and this was worse. Usually if I feel like shit, I look like shit but I really wasn't expecting what I saw. I looked yellowish and with my lips being dry it made them look paler/ashy so the combo wass just kinda shocking

Content warning: specifics on stool junk. Skip the green section if you don't wanna hear it

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I've had this one symptom for quite a while now but I felt like it was a bit tmi but at this point, I want to be entirely transparent. When I stopped for that week and relapsed tryna do dxm, I basically felt the sameish as I did before the break and I thought nothing of it. But as I started ramping up my habit again, I noticed that I would need to poo like RIGHT after I took my pills. It was so weird. 10-20 mins after without fail, I'd need to go. Then once I started taking it multiple times a day, I'd also need to need to go multiple times a day. It was so fucking annoying as I'm a person that needs to go a few times a week. Depending on what I'm eating, i'd prolly go 3-5 times a week. So going from that to every single day/multiple times a day drove me nuts.

That in itself was already so annoying but I would've accepted it if that's all it was. But during that time, anytime I had those pill induced shits it would burn so bad. It was the weirdest sensation. I'm sure everyone has experienced eating a spicy food and then immediately regretting it once it's time to pass it. And I mean with that, yeah it hurts but it mostly dissipates once its out. But this shit... oh my god. The burn of it was different from anything I've ever had before. It'd literally hurt for so long after. Not to where it's excruciating but it was just odd to feel my junk burning off some junk I passed 10 mins ago. When I did it multiple times a day however.. that's when I couldn't take it. It'd burn damn near everytime as is but not getting a long enough time inbetween this junk made it sting worse and worse.

Around this time I started to google junk cause it was getting out of hand. My stool was always green during that time so I looked into that first. I saw mostly people talking about it's harmless most of the time and probably diet based but I knew I had to be a special case. So I kept looking when I found out about the possibility of having bile in my junk and it all made sense. My acid reflux has been worse, the burning would make perfect sense, and plus I saw that if your body digests the junk too quick there's sometimes an excessive amount of unabsorbed bile. I irritated tf out of my stomach with all the pills so I would not be shocked my stomach would just want whatevers inflaming out as SOON as possible.

After a while, I just was tired of being in pain and I'd just ignore my stomach whining to get that mess out of me. It was getting to be entirely too much and I knew it'd probably reopen my ulcer but I couldn't be bothered to care

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Anyway I explain all that because when I was looking into jaundice causes all I was seeing was mentions about liver shit and excessive bile can leave you looking yellow/green. With my excessive bile thing happening before, I knew that was probably what it was. I'm gonna hope that the combo of me taking hella pills without drinking much water is what made my liver play me this time. I don't want that to be an actual thing I have to be conscious of.. I don't want my parents to drag me to the doctor's office and if they saw me like that it's basically guaranteed. Honestly, they probably wouldn't even bother they'd prolly go straight to urgent care. I can't even imagine all the explaining I'd have to do.. All the issues the doctor could point out. God. What if they see all the benadryl floating around my system and know I'm abusing them without me even saying anything?? What if they tell my parents behind my back?? I know they can't afford to put me in some fancy ass rehab shit. Where th would you even find that..

So in order to not have my minion-esque skin be what gets me found out, I'm gonna start going out my way to chug water where I can and start tapering off again. I've noticed I haven't really had that sickly out of it feel when I get into the 500+ range so I'm guessing if I lower it from that I should probably be good? I dunno. For now I'm not saying I'm quitting as I have no clue how long it'll take to get used to lower and lower amounts but at the very least I won't be going back to my peak doses. That 750 I took was the most I've had since pre relapse and it'd be so easy to slide back into my everyday 750-1.25k range atp but it really isn't worth it. I'd have to drink so much water to accommodate that and if I do now gotta worry about jaundice I'm sure giving my liver even more meds to process would be a extremely poor decision.

I am exhausted though.. Now that I'm done writing this I'm honestly bouta take a nap

R and her girlfriend are going through a really rough patch right now. To the point where she thinks her partner is going to leave her. She's been real focused on working and stuff and i guess with that she didn't notice that she was going through something..?

NOTES/EMOTIONS

The funny part is she was working that hard so that they could move in together next year. Something they both were really set on. It's kinda sad. R must be so confused.

The thing is like.. this has been a CONSTANTT on and off issue for them. I fully get wanting to hang with her but this is what... 5th? 6th? time that they've had strain because of how much they hang. And that's only the times that my bsf has told me about. It just like.. what else can she do? They still talk everyday and she still doesn't really play/talk to many other people to give her her for the most part completely undivided attention. But at the same point, this is R's first time having a job where she has hours hours. I'm sure that shit can be tiring as is but she literally aint used to it yet. She only started working long long shifts 2-3 weeks ago. She be exhausted. I feel like her partner wants her to just sit there and talk to morning to evening like she did when she didn't have all too many time commitments and it just aint realistic. I don't get why they're still fighting on that

They fight a lot in general. It feels like every few days she'll seem off and I'll be like oh I'm sorry and try and comfort her and junk. But then theyre just "back good" by the next day. I don't think either of em are addressing the real problem if they need to argue so damn much

Plus, I don't see how R doesn't see it but she said it herself she brought up them feeling distant, her girlfriend didn't change literally anything. She said it for herself and still ended up blaming herself by the end of it. She thinks that she was neglecting her and it was her fault for not knowing about her struggles even though she has literally brought it up multiple times... plus she focuses focuses on her once she gets back. SO it's just like.. I dunno. I just feel like her partner just.. aint it

That sounds so harsh but I mean. God. She made R feel like she had to drop all her damn hobbies and "grow up", she makes her feel like shit for STRUGGLING with multiple addictions because R said she'd quit and apparently her relapsing means she was lying the whole time, gives her the cold shoulder whenever she feels like knowing damn well R is terrified of abandonment and'll go nuts and do whatever to get her back whether its right or wrong to, plus like my bsf LOVES weed and her partner wants her to quit by the time they move in together.

To me, I think that the two need to breakup. My bsf's partner clearly wants a whole different person and I don't think R should feel bad for not just forcing herself in the perfect partner mold.

The thing that's been irking me the most is her giving R the cold shoulder when she gets high with no fucking thought on context. She has literally been escaping through that shit for damn near 5 years at this point. I fully get not understanding that shit cause you don't do that sort of thing. I'm glad she doesn't honestly. It'd be one more thing for R to stress on plus she can be her voice of reason.. Well okay if she actually gave enough of a fuck to be a voice of reason she could be. But that's the thing. She just parrots out the "right thing" and get mad that my bsf can't just poof into sobriety. I'm so tired of R coming to me in distress cause her girlfriend is icing her out cause she smoked a single cig. or weed to help her sleep.. Just like. Stupid shit. She gives 0 positive reinforcement whatsoever. How does she not see how damn far R has come??

When I first met her, she'd causally take dxm day after day and get so messed up on that shit she'd actually blackout. She used to stay high or drunk. Didn't matter that it was hurting her. She just wanted an escape. But now?? She is so much more responsible. She actually googles and researches instead of just doing whatever with no concern with her health. She doesn't take dxm anymore cause she saw that it could possible heighten her blood pressure. She doesn't really take dph anymore... tho there has been a few occasions these last few months. She smokes like.. 2-3 cigs a dayish when before she could go through an entire pack within a single day. She only smokes weed every once in a while vs when before she'd CONSTANTLY going through pen after pen

LIKE?? I just. I hate that she makes R feel so shitty for not being 100% with that stuff. I feel like she doesn't believe me when I tell her I'm proud of her for all the changes she's made within the last few months but hearing it from her partner would mean the world to her. How hard is it to just support her?? So fucking selfish.

Plus some of the time she does that shit, she ain't even doing it cause she wants to and her partner NEVER CONSIDERS THAT.R's heart has been being weird for months now. Doctors ain't really been helping too much as far as solutions go and with her liver being fucked beforehand she has to just take it at times. The medicine she has available to her has they own pros and cons. Which leads her to sometimes smoke to not feel that shit so much.

I remember this one day me and her didn't talk much the whole day so I freaked out and tried to get through to her through damn near every form of contact I had. I damn near texted her mom but I thought that would be too much for day 1 so I had a draft written up for if she was gone. I was terrified. She never just dips like that.

...Only for her to text me back about an hour later. I was slightly annoyed at first but once she explained I bout cried. She was in so much pain that she oded on dph so she could sleep it off. She started opening up about how much pain she be in and how the bp pills have so many side effects and she can't really take tylenol anymore cause of her liver. A lot the time when she smokes weed/take dph its to dull the pain of that. It's why I try to be as vocal as I can about supporting her on that shit. I don't want her to be dependent on ANYTHING ofc but I can't imagine having to sit there in excruciating pain with little to help you.

To have your own partner just... disregard that cause she doesn't like her being on anything just grosses me out.

But despite all that, I am still.. so fucking sad for my bsf. She really loves that girl and even with their severely unbalanced relationship I know her partner has her good qualities. I couldn't imagine being in her shoes rn. Feeling like all your accomplishments and growth was for nothing cause at the end of the day you lost the reason you were pushing yourself so hard.

This is honestly the worst case scenario. I've been dreading this day so much. On one hand, if they do end up breaking things off, at least she won't have to deal with all the stressors of being stranded in a completely diff state. I knew being around each other 24/7 would eventually force a lot of their issues to the forefront and seeing how they respond to disagreements as is I couldn't imagine that arrangement lasting for too long. But at the same time.. R is not gonna see their dynamic for what it is until she is long long over it. There are no positives for her in this you know? She's not gonna see it as a lesson to only put your all into relationships once you see the same from them. All she's seeing it as is a another person abandoning her. Another person she isnt good enough for.

I wish I could pull her out that pit myself. I hate that I have to just sit there and watch for now. I remember how hurt I was over a 2mo relationship with a fucking groomer. I didn't accept that shit for yearssss. I can't imagine having someone you have so many memories with possibly leaving from your life

I hope to god she doesn't do anything too rash. I know she's going to spiral.. She's probably passed out drunk rn tbr. And she's prolly gon be hurting herself for a looong long time. It makes me so upset. I hate that she's gonna treat herself like dirt because she wasn't able to transform into the picture perfect partner her girlfriend expected her to be. I wish I could just say a magic word and she'd just be over it.

I don't know how I want to approach comforting her if things do end up ending. On one hand, we used to talk alot more and she was a lot more open about her feelings pre treating-her-girlfriend-like-she-treated-me mode so would it be good for me to try and get her back to that? Does that come off as me trying to replace her gf? Will she think I'm just tryna make her like me back and I'm just rushing to steal her partners spot? And plus like.. I know how this shit goes. No matter what I say or do she's still going to hurt. Will me trying to distract her just annoy her? Is that actually helpful?

God.. I feel like I've been writing forever. I'm sorry. First time in a while and I just started going on and on. But that ll is a pretty thorough breakdown of everything on my mind right now. I am so scared on what R is going to be doing to try and cope. And I'm scared that her possible ex is gonna be a sore spot for her for a while. I'm not really hoping they get back together but I kinda am at the same time. I wish that they'd break up on R's terms. I know the after stuff would be a lot easier on her that way. She would've already come to the terms that their relationship aint feasible for one reason or another which is a huge step as is.

Buuut. nope. Well. Ig it aint guaranteed. They might not breakup at all. I'm gonna hope they do tho. She doesn't need someone that'll sit there and purposely punish and hurt her cause they don't get their way. Sorry again for the long ass notes section. I'm just really scared

[hellzeldagirlsfanfic]

DMC Week-Day 1:Weapon

Dante x Reader

It didn’t matter what kind of weapon it was, a sword, a knife or a gun it seemed like Dante already knew how to use it.

It was always stupidly amazing to see Dante trying out a new weapon. To see him swing around or fire off a shot with childish glee.

To bed for them that they didn’t stay around for long due to Dante’s perpetual state of being poor. Which often lead him to sell off the weapons and devil arms he had acquired through his jobs to pay off his debts.

Which annoyed (Y/N) greatly.

(Y/N) was a blacksmith that specialising in weapons that could slay demons. She was an acquaintance of Lady, who had to introduce her to Dante after learning about her love for studying unique weapons.

Though she didn’t get to study Dante’s weapons or devil arms much since they were normally sold off before she got a day off.

Which was unacceptable for (Y/N).

That’s why when she heard that Dante had returned from the Underworld, she immediately rushed to Devil May Cry and dragged the half-demon off to show her the new weapons and devil arms he had acquired.

This is why Dante was now showing off King Cerberus in clearing outside of Redgrave.

(Y/N) watched Dante with sparkling (E/C) eyes as lighting, fire and ice went flying around the clearing.

“Is that an enough for your, (Y/N)?” Dante asked as he took a breather.

“Yes,” (Y/N) sighed happily as checked her camera to make sure it had captured his exhibition. “Didn’t you have a devil arm like that before?” She asked.

Dante looked at King Cerberus then (Y/N).

“Yeah, there was just nunchaku. The demons that the devil arms come from were brothers?” He explained.

(Y/N) hummed as reached over to another weapon next to her.

“What kind of demon did this one come from?” She asked picking up Dr.Faust.

She studied the whiteish stetson trying to figure out what kind of weapon it was.

“Oh! That demon was a quite interesting one. It moved around all crazy,” Dante said as he moved closer to her. “What did that demon call itself,” He mumbled. “Nick… Nicky… Nicole… Nico! That was it!” He said messing around.

(Y/N) sighed once heard Nico’s name. ‘Of course, Nico would make something strange like this,’ She thought.

Dante was now stood in front of her. He put King Cerberus down with the rest of his weapons he then plucked the hat/weapon out of her hands and onto his head. (Y/N) watched as a long red ruin scarf formed around his neck.

Dante tipped his hat to (Y/N).

“Howdy Madam,” He greeted with a cheeky grin.

(Y/N)’s face became flushed at Dante’s actions.

“You’re a huge idiot,” She mumbled as she buried her head into her hands.

“But that’s why you love me,” He shoots back with a wink.

(Y/N) started to cursed Dante as her face became redder with embarrassment. A moment passed (Y/N) calmed down as Dante stood there stroking his hairy chin.

“Maybe I should dig out my old chaps and old boots?” He mused.

The (H/C)’s head immediately shoots up at Dante’s comment.

“Oh my God! You still have those dam things!” (Y/N) exclaimed.

Dante gave her a baffled look.

“What are you talking about?” He asked. “Everyone couldn’t keep their eyes of off me,” He told her.

“That’s because you look like a right idiot!” (Y/N) shouted. “I think this is the first time I’ve seen you wear something normalish,” She added.

“Normalish?” He echoed.

“I’m not sure about the coat yet,” She clarified.

Dante pouted at (Y/N).

“Now, now cowboy,” She playfully scolded him. “Enough with that pout, show me what that hat can do,” She instructed.

This resulted in a sheepish starch of his head.

“Well… I can’t do that at the moment,” He confessed. (Y/N) raised an eyebrow for the answer. “Well the hat uses red orbs which I don’t have…” He said.

(Y/N) just sighed.

“Let’s try the next one,” She said.

Dante sheepishly moved to get the next weapon.

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

Once Bitten Twice Stupid prt.59

Three weeks passed without a word from Pidge, Lance feeling helpless. He’d turned off his private phone in the end, and kind of guilt tripped Coran into letting him stay for the time being. He knew his moods were up and down, he also knew he couldn’t ask Keith to stay when they were. He’d had a word with Coran about Keith working, he wanted things to be clear. When Keith was meant to be working, then he wasn’t allowed down to visit Lance. Keith wasn’t thrilled, but Lance felt it necessary, or he’d spend every moment thinking about his boyfriend rather than pretending he was being useful to Allura.

Allura was nice about everything, like she usually was. He didn’t push her about her friendship with “Loturd”. Keith had accidentally let the name slip, after his boyfriend came to see him. His and Shiro’s furniture had finally arrived. Keith bringing his favourite blade to show Lance, and Kosmo. Lance missed having Kosmo around. He had Blue for company, but Kosmo was too adorable, and his precious princess was hoing herself out for pats and attention from everyone she came across. When they’d agreed Lance could stay, he’d asked Shiro if he would Keith take Kosmo home with him. He wanted his boyfriend to have that feeling of coming home to his waiting puppy. If they were going to be out overnight, Kosmo came for sleepovers. Keith was such a proud dog father that Lance kind of felt like the only time he was happy was when Keith was gushing over his fur son.

Lance’s mood hadn’t gone unnoticed. Allura had planned a “spa night” for the both of them. Curled up on the sofa with face masks on, they’d watched movies and Lance painted her nails for her, and complimented her over perfect skin. It struck him how lonely it must be for her, and he silently swore to himself that he’d find a way to invite her out for some fun on the town. His Mami had noticed his mood. Luis wasn’t there the first time he visited after the “accident”, meaning he had his Mami to himself. Climbing into bed beside her, he’d fallen asleep in her safe and loving hold, her cold hadn’t progressed into pneumonia, proving there was plenty of life left in her. He hadn’t been to see her with Keith again, she understood he had work, so Blue came in her carrier.

Called to Allura’s office, through the personal phone he had in his room, Lance powered down his laptop before heading out. He had a nicer room now. His single bed now a double, plus there was a desk and wardrobe and space for Blue. Matt had come to check on him, apologising for what had happened. They’d hugged it out long enough that Shiro tugged Matt off of him. He hadn’t heard from Pidge either, so it was what it was. Leaving Blue sleeping on his bed, Lance headed out. He’d kind of been pretty much an errand boy for Allura, “helping” by making copies of things or running things between her office and the labs. His mood had picked up when he had something to do. It got him out of his head and not thinking about how much he missed his best friends.

When Lance reached Allura’s office, he knocked lightly on her door before opening it. His eyes totally bugging out as he eyed his boyfriend. Dressed in tight black jeans, a black T-shirt, a cropped red leather jacket and a thick pair of leather boots, his boyfriend looked hot. Hot and happy. Clapping her hands together, Allura looked particularly proud

“Lance! Excellent. Now, you may be wondering why I called. You and Keith are going on a date today”

Lance raised an eyebrow. He didn’t particularly want to leave the complex. He’d only left to see himself Mami and that was it

“I am?”

“Yep! Consider this a little thank you for allowing us to steal Keith away. The work he’s doing is vital to help ensure Platt remains relatively peaceful. Plus, you haven’t had a break in the last fortnight. Tonight is completely on me”

“You’re kicking me out?”

Lance was half joking, maybe more like he hoped his tone his that he was serious. He wasn’t supposed to go anywhere. His pheromones could be a serious issue. Allura didn’t see it as a joke, quick to give a shake of her head

“Not at all! I love you having here. No, I thought you and Keith might enjoy each other’s company. Keith has proved himself a valuable asset, and we want to thank him for his work”

“What she means is they think I might snap if I have to go one more undercover mission”

“You have been rather stressed of late”

So stressed Keith had snapped at him for not understanding. It’d been a small fight, Keith easily brought back under control when Lance wrapped his arms around him and told him while he didn’t, he was still there for him. It was weighing heavily on Keith not to be able to tell him everything. In some ways being in Platt made it harder for both of them, another reason Lance didn’t want to move in with Keith. He wanted Keith to have that safe place at the of work to relax and destress. Keith sighed at Allura, Allura ignoring it

“Now, you have a few hours before your dinner reservation. I’m sure the pair of you can find something to do. I don’t want to see either of you back here tonight. Keith, I give you permission to discuss things with Lance, though that is left to your discretion”

It was now Lance’s mind went into panic mode. He wasn’t dressed for a date. He wasn’t dressed any different from normal. His hair wasn’t tamed. He wasn’t wearing nice clothes. He didn’t know how to date! He’d never done a “date” date. And Keith... Keith was standing there looking calm and collected! What... what was he supposed to do? Why couldn’t he remember what normal people did on a date? Keith wanted to go on a date with him? Him of all people? What did they talk about? What did normal people talk about? What did Keith like to talk about? Letting out a squeak, he could have died on the spot of embarrassment. Keith hiding his laughter behind his hand

“I think you broke him”

Allura giggled, playing along

“Oh, dear. Don’t tell me you don’t want to go. Keith and I planned this days ago”

“I... me... you... we... date?”

He was short circuiting. Keith’s goddamn smile made him feel all goopy inside

“That’s how a date normal works, babe. Do you not want to go with me?”

“Yes! Date me!”

Now he was yelling? And Keith was laughing again. What was he even saying?

“You guys have fun tonight. I’m leaving him in your hands, Keith”

Allura left them. Lance covering his burning face with his hands. Coming up to him, Keith kissed him on the forehead, Lance peaking up at him

“It’s okay. I didn’t plan much”

“I... are you sure you want to go with me?”

“Well, you’re the only one I’m dating. Plus, you’re not the only on freaking out”

“What are you freaking out for? You’re all dumb and hot and smiling and can work English”

“Because I’m going on a date with you”

“But you planned it!”

And he was yelling again

“I’m freaking out because it’s a date with the guy I’m dating”

“But I’m me”

“That’s why I wanted things... You know, what, let’s just go”

“But... I’m... not even dressed”

“Pretty sure you’ve got clothes on, babe”

“That’s not what I mean. You’re all... hot”

“Do you want to get changed? I think you’re fine in what you’re wearing”

“But... I look like me”

“And I like you. God. You’re making me even more nervous and shit”

“Can’t forget a good shit”

Lance swore he could almost see his soul escaping from in the inside. Groaning, he slid his hand back up

“Just leave me here. Here lays Lance. Killed by his boyfriend’s niceness and unfair hotness”

Keith wrapped his arms around him. A date with Keith... an actual declared date. Like a boyfriend date. Keith’s scent was wonderful, Lance’s knees going a little weak

“Oh, babe... hey, if you’re not up to this, that’s okay too”

Nope. Keith had said date. He was having his date. He was having this date and going to prove he could function like a normalish human not a mess of a vampire

“No. I want to... God, I want to. How are you not making a fool of yourself?”

“I already made a fool of myself asking for the day off. I asked Allura, because I know you two have been hanging out...”

Allura hadn’t told him, see if he was going to braid her hair again when she couldn’t even give him a heads up

“I feel really happy right now... and like I’m going to throw up”

Keith’s hold meant everything, his boyfriend hiding his face against Lance’s shoulder. Fuck... it should be criminal to be this awkward

“Me too... okay. We’re doing this. Just two boyfriends going on a date. Doing boyfriend things... and shit”

Keith wasn’t going to let him forget. So he was going to have to make him forget

“I’m going to date you so fucking hard you’ll forget shit”

“I’m looking forward to the full Lance experience”

Lance huffed, feeling like someone more adult should be supervising them

“You just had it”

“Over so quick? Babe, I knew I was good, but damn. Should you be bragging about it”

Oh fuck... now he was thinking about sex...

“Shut up. God. Let’s go already before I really do expire from embarrassment”

*

Keith’s brought his motorbike. Keith had brought his motorbike and Lance wasn’t sure how to feel. With his arms around his boyfriend’s waist, he spent the first 5 minutes trying to accept he was on the back of a death machine with Keith weaving in and out of traffic like a mad man. He felt like he’d left his stomach somewhere behind on the trip, the vibration and noise taking a bit of getting used to. Keith called him brave, but Lance liked to think he was more like Hunk in this situation, safely cautious.

Despite his nerves, Lance felt strangely disappointed as Keith pulled up to a stop. His ears still ringing, despite the helmet he was wearing deadening some of the noise. Raising his head, he questioned Keith’s idea of a date. The sign above the door read “SPlatter-field”. A not so clever play on the business being in Platt. In the window was a sign advertising it being a shooting range. Climbing off the back of the bike, Lance tried to hide his confusion, and some of his disappointment. Dates meant romance. He wasn’t sure how guns said romance. Keith climbed off, pulling his helmet off as he did. Noticing Lance hadn’t taken his off, his boyfriend’s face fell

“You don’t like it?”

Keith had gone to a lot of effort to plan this date. He probably wanted to do something different and unusual. Pulling his helmet off, Lance shook his head

“It’s not that. I just wasn’t expecting a shooting range”

“Allura said you went hunting as a kid.... I messed this up...”

Keith was crushing his heart right now

“No. No. Look, sure, not a place I would think of, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be fun. Besides, I’m a total crack shot at fair games”

“You don’t need to try and make me feel better”

He was a dick. He’d hurt Keith’s feelings

“I’m not. But you better be prepared to have your arse kicked”

“So it’s okay?”

Lance gave Keith the warmest smile he could muster

“It could be fun”

“If you don’t like it, we’ll go”

“Okay. Let’s give it a shot”

With Allura being Keith’s co-conspirator, she’d given Keith his wallet ahead of time. Lance hadn’t even noticed it was missing. Which probably said a lot about how distracted he’d been lately. The man behind the counter didn’t seem so sure about him being 26, but his ID was valid and he was forced to swallow his tongue, as they signed all paperwork related to their outing. Trying to remember the last time he’d held a gun, he flushed at the memory of telling Keith to shoot him. God. He’d been so lame. He was struggling to remember ever being “cool” in front of his boyfriend. Allocating them two hand guns each, Keith produced his firearms licence, which was enough to let the man take over explaining how things worked. Lance was pretty sure Keith hadn’t meant it as a bragging move, but he did delight in the man being taken down a peg. Which was probably his ego showing.

Following Keith through to the range, he found they were the only two there, other a bored looking supervisor who made to follow behind them, Keith leading them to the last two cubicles, before turning hot instructor of him, Lance blocking out the man watching

“I know you know how to use a gun, but it’s important not to treat it like a toy”

“So I don’t point the end at my feet and pull the trigger?”

His boyfriend scowled

“No. Each magazine holds twelve rounds. You fire all twelve then put your weapon down on the desk. Seeing you’ve got a sight advantage and I’ve got an experience advantage, we’ll set the targets at the furtherest points. On the paper there’s zones, each zone is worth a number of points. I know you don’t want to shoot to kill, but I think it’s important you train up on your skills”

Lance jerked back a little, not expecting Keith to be so serious. Behind him, the man supervising the range backed off

“Should I be worried? Am I in danger?”

“No. But if you ever are, I want you to be able to protect yourself. The investigation is getting nowhere fast... and... the targets are all vampires. I know we could have done this at VOLTRON, but I didn’t want you to feel self conscious while handling a firearm. Taking the shot is never easy. Even when you tell yourself it it. I’ve had to shoot before and the first time left me messed up for days”

Keith was chasing a vampire killer? Lance tried to pretend he was surprised... Well, more surprised. He wasn’t actually all that surprised given vampires were most douches. Now it made sense. Keith wanted to make this as stress free as possible, knowing he disliked guns and the Coran would fuss if he was training with them

“Okay. I understand”

“Now, the way you hold the gun depends on the make and model. We’ll use two hands on these. There’s a little bit of a kick back, so when you press the trigger, make sure you’re not squeezing or you’ll end up shooting something you’re not meant to. I’ll set the targets up. Put your safety glasses and earmuffs on”

Lance did as he was told. Keith knew his way around a shooting range. Lance wondering if the one at Blade Headquarters was anything like this. Probably not. He could picture a whole wall of guns and other dangerous weaponry. Sending the sheets to the back of the room, Lance was starting to feel nervous. A shotgun wasn’t the same as a hand gun... or one of those weighted guns at a fair. He didn’t feel guilty for winning at a fair when the owners used cheap tricks. Coming back to his side, his boyfriend tugged Lance’s earmuffs off his ears

“I’m going to show you how to stand and how to hold the gun. It’s important to control your breathing”

Lance rolled his eyes, Keith didn’t find it funny. He needed to be serious. Gun’s weren’t toys. He knew guns weren’t toys. His ego was flaring again, and he kind of wanted to shoot himself for it

“Sorry. I’ll behave... please teach me all you know, Samurai”

[midnightbluemoon]

Daniel And David Both Liking Counselor You Headcannon! (Camp Camp) (Probably Will End With David)

-So listen.

-David caught feelings like two days before Daniel came to Camp.

-So he didn’t really have the time to figure out how to ask you on a date.

-So then Daniel shows up.

-Big oof for David.

-Because as soon as Daniel shows up, he clearly seems attached to you.

-Daniel thinks your amazing.

-Like, other then his cult and religious beliefs, best thing ever.

-Seriously though.

-He is immediately wherever you are.

-You think it’s coincidence.

-Or that he’s nervous in a new place.

-So you offer to take him on a tour, just the two of you.

-Which kills David.

-But is a dream come fricking true for Daniel.

-The tour goes really nicely.

-Daniel seems to take actual notice in what you have to say.

-Which is a nice feeling.

-David follows you guys.

-Not in a creepy stalker way though, to be clear.

-He is legitimately worried that Daniel might do something sketchy.

-And wouldn’t it be kinda awesome if he was there to be the one to save the day?

- So you guys get back to camp.

-And since Gwen left when Daniel showed up

-And you and Daniel went on a tour

-And for some reason David wasn’t there

-The kids were running rampant.

-Daniel noticed your distress. 

-So did David, actually

-But there’s no good way to pop out of the bushes behind someone supportively.

-So he went around through the cabin.

-When he came back, lo and behold

-There was Daniel, helping you deal with the kids.

-And his hand was on your shoulder.

-Which almost broke David right there.

-It’s the little things, you know?

-So David come up and hugs you.

-Like, out of the blue.

-And really tight.

-But you weren’t complaining.

-Cuz, I mean 

-It’s David.

-He would totally stop if you asked him to.

-So then Daniel comes up on your other side.

-And he’s hugging you too.

-The camp is still half chaos.

-But no way can Daniel let David show him up.

-So after a while, you mention that all of you still have to take care of the rest of the kids

-Daniel and David agree.

-But although  

-David lets go completely, 

-Daniel starts holding your hand while you go deal with everything.

-So David grabs your other hand

-And you don’t have the heart to tell either of them to let go.

-Daniel noticed how stressed you were about the kids

-And he already had a plan to sacrifice them

-So wouldn’t that be kind of a gift to you too?

-Peace and quiet

-No responsibilities

-No David coming up from out of nowhere and hugging you because what the heck

-So you guys get everything sorted out.

-And then Daniel starts chatting you up.

-So you guys are going to the Mess Hall.

-And David is semi-crushed.

-And while Max walks by, he says

-”If you don’t learn to talk, your going to lose her/him/them.”

-And David’s just like Oh no he’s right.

-So anyways.

-Daniel is trying to figure out what you like/dislike/any hobbies you may have

-So that he can connect with you on them

-For example, say you like musicals.

-Suddenly he loves musicals

-Whichever ones you mentioned, in particular coincidentally.

-So whatever you mention, after everyone goes to bed, he starts learning about all of them.

- So the next morning he’s flaunting his knowledge about your favourite subjects.

-Which is kind of amazing for you to have someone with shared interests that seems to care about your opinions.

-Sucks for David though

-Cuz now you and David are practically joined at the hip.

-It’s around this time when you first notice the purification sauna.

-You didn’t question it that much

-Because you didn’t have any reason to.

-You start noticing campers being creepily fanatically loyal later that day.

-Which you did question

-extensively. 

-Because David had tried EVERYTHING with those kids

-And suddenly they love Daniel

-Which is kind of a red flag.

-You didn’t want to hurt Daniel’s feelings.

-But you were sure that he would understand your concerns.

-David hadn’t noticed that much.

-He was too busy moping.

-Daniel hadn’t actually planned on sacrificing you or purifying you btw.

-Just everybody else.

-Because having the person you love as a mindless yes zombie is no fun.

-But he kind of panicked when you asked about the kids.

-And he shoved you into the sauna. 

-Which he felt kind of sad about.

-He still wasn’t gonna sacrifice you though.

-But having you be a little bit less nosy was nice.

-And it was also pretty awesome to have you draped over him.

-And he could hug you as much as he wanted.

-So then when he heard David coming, he kissed you.

-The thing is, you might not even have stopped him from kissing you if you hadn’t been purified.

-Just maybe not in front of a bunch of campers.

-And David.

-And that was when David decided that Daniel had to go.

-Well also Max tipped him off before getting turned into a yes zombie himself.

-And then the whole Better Than You thing happened.

-And you were right with Daniel the whole time.

-Which made David super mad.

-So then when the effects started wearing off

-Because Daniel hadn’t planned for an argument

-Only just enough time for sacrificing

-And a dash more time to flaunt his amazingness to you

-Your head felt like it was swimming through tapioca.

-You staggered a little.

-So Daniel put his arm around you.

-And in your drugged confused state, you cuddled into him.

-What can I say? He was the only thing keeping you balanced.

-And you were also still semi drugged to love him.

-But then by the time Daniel slipped up and got sent to the hospital you were pretty much fine.

-But David made you go take a nap anyways.

-He wanted to be 100% sure whatever that was was out of your system.

-You guys didn’t really talk about what happened with Daniel.

-Neither of you really wanted to think about it.

-Although David couldn’t think of much else.

-He wanted to ask you if you actually loved Daniel

-But he could tell you didn’t want to discuss it.

-So he didn’t.

-You just felt betrayed.

-But things were pretty platonic between you and David.

-Both Gwen and Max were trying to help him ask you out

-But he was worried you were going to say no.

-And then Bonquisha happened.

-He had tried to move on and date someone else.

-Which had hurt you a lot.

-You didn't know why it hurt so much

-But it hurt a lot.

-But you acted like you were happy for them.

-Because Gwen told you.

-She thought it might make you jealous

-Which would force something to happen.

-But it didn’t.

-It just made you sad.

-And when Bonquisha broke up with him, he was really torn up about it.

-You thought it was because of the breakup.

-But it wasn’t.

-It was more about how he couldn’t keep anybody.

-Which wasn’t great for his self esteem.

-Neither was the fact that the two of you weren’t exactly talking.

-You and Bonquisha had gotten into a fight about the fact that you were 110% sure that she was cheating because you saw her kissing somebody else and she denied everything.

-And David defended her.

-Mainly because he just didn’t want it to be true.

-Which led to you two fighting.

-With words.

-In the end you just walked away.

-Which hurt a lot more than being yelled at, for David.

-You had spoke to him, but for nothing more than camp activities.

-Like “Hey David, could you pass the fire extinguisher.”

-And he’d pass it over

-And then conversation over.

-Max was annoyed.

-Because he was sure if David ever got up the nerve to apologize to you, and ask you out you would say yes.

-And he was right.

-After a lot of moping on David’s part, basically every camper knew what was going on.

-So they destroyed the blender in the kitchen.

-And made sure you were the one to go out to town to buy a new one.

-And the moment you were gone, everyone started taking turns giving him pep talks.

-And he got a looooooot of conflicting advice.

-Like 

-”Be sincere.”

-”Act cool, like you don’t really care.”

-”Be dramatic!”

-”Be clear. We don’t want any misunderstandings.”

-Yeah, it was a lot.

-So when you got back he tried to do everything at once.

-Which resulted in him having fallen on the ground.

-With a broken nose.

-You were a little less mad now.

-Because that was hilarious.

-And you could tell he had really tried.

-So you took him back to the Counselors Cabin.

- And administered as much first aid as you knew how.

-And he apologized again.

-Except as him.

-And you forgave him, obviously.

-Because he was your friend.

-After that everything went back to normalish.

-Max was annoyed he didn’t take the perfect opportunity to confess.

-But he wasn’t teary now, which was an improvement.

-Everything was purely platonic for the next while.

-But then Arrival Of The Torso Takers.

-You hadn’t been sure if anything was off.

-David had been touchier than usual.

-More hugs, more arm around shoulder, e.t.c.

-By this time you were pretty sure you had a crush on David.

-So you didn’t mind.

-But it also reminded you a little of Daniel.

-And then when David asked you out, you said yes.

-You were really excited.

-So was Gwen actually.

- You know who wasn’t?

-Max.

-He had been watching for a while. 

-And he did feel a little bad.

-He didn’t want to ruin your relationship.

-Except he also thought you deserved to know that your boyfriend was an alien.

- So he told you his suspicions.

-You agreed that David was off.

-You also thought it was a little fantastical.

-But you hadn’t noticed that Daniel was a cult leader.

-So you thought you should trust Max.

-Until he came back to you and said everything was probably fine.

-You were surprised.

-But he seemed totally normal.

-So you agreed.

-Until he came running by you about 10 minutes later.

-He grabbed you by the wrist and said Daniel was coming.

-So you both ran.

-You heard his voice, and it sent shivers down your spine.

-Calling for you to come back, saying he loved you......

-It was absolutely terrifying. 

-You had no idea where Max was going, but you wanted to save your breath for running instead of asking questions.

-Then he dragged you into a bomb shelter.

-And there was David.

-He looked like he’d been crying a lot.

-He was tied up in front of a bunch of screens playing certain parts of what was happening all over camp.

-You and Max ran over, and started untying him.

-Literally though,as soon as David was untied, Daniel p I c k e d y o u u p and put his arms around you, in a semi threatening way.

-What happened next was surprising though.

-David jumped on top of Daniel, and started attacking him.

-You just looked a Max, and he gave you a ‘what am I supposed to do?’ face.

-You guys left Daniel in the bunker.

-You felt kind of bad, but not really.

-He had been keeping David there for god knows how long.

-So when you went to hug David, he kissed you.

-Max was hooting, and yelling “FINALLY!”

-When David leaned back he apologized a lot.

-“I-I’m sorry-I should’ve asked-”

-You told him it was definitely fine.

-And you guys started dating.

-Even Max thought you guys were cute.

-And everything was sunshine and daisies.

-Until the Woodscouts, with Daniel as their new leader took control of Camp Campbell.

-Daniel took you away from the rest of the group, and started scolding you.

-Literally scolding you.

-About leaving with David.

-But then he said he forgave you, and so did Xemüg.

-And then he put his arm around you in a fiercely protective way, and marched right back out in front of everybody.

-And he was giving David this smug look, like ‘look what I can do and you can’t stop me’.

-You tried to shake his arm off, but he had a death grip on you.

-He’s just flaunting you to everybody

-Because he does actually love you.

-He’s just not great at loving people without being evil.

-After he takes Nikki you beg him to brig her back.

-Because you care about your kids.

-But he isn’t budging.

-What’s been really hard for David is having to see  you trailing around behind Daniel, knowing that if either of you don’t comply, a camper could die.

-And the fact that Daniel keeps touching you.

-Nothing lewd, just kisses and hugging and arm around shoulder, e.t.c.

-Daniel has all the Woodscouts giving him complete control.

-So there always seems to be one watching you in the few moments you have alone. 

-And then there was when Daniel was about to sacrifice Nikki.

-She seemed so chill.

-You asked him to sacrifice you instead.

-But no way was he doing that.

-And then, right before he killed Nikki, what you assumed was supposed to be his god came rising up.

-After a lot of banter back and forth, Daniel was commanded to go to Antarctica.

-He nodded solemnly, and took you by the hand.

-But Xemug said something along the lines of

-”Wait! No! Thou shalt not take anyone with you!”

-Daniel looked back and forth between you and the obviously fake Xemug.

-He gives you a final kiss, and walks off.

-And then it’s all done.

-The Woodscouts other than Pikeman, plus David and Max come out from behind the giant puppet Xemug they made.

-You guys free Nikki.

-David hugs you for an eternity.

-And everything really does return to normal.

Until the next disaster.

[scaredofthebasement-blog]

When Love Walks In - Chpt 20

Chpt 20 – Alex Calls Out Auston for his Playboy Ways and They Have a Heart to Heart

(Please note that I made a few major edits.)

Words 4971

Alex pulls up the chair to sit next to her brother on his left-hand bedside.  She has to laugh when Auston raises his eyebrows at her, perplexed by why she’s fussing; inching her chair closer and closer to him.  

“What?!  I’m just trying to get as close to you as possible without actually getting in the bed with you.  I don’t want anyone to hear what I’m saying”,  She explains recognizing how silly it appears.

Auston shakes his head, thinking, So much drama.  Frig!  It’s like my life’s become a freakin’ soap opera.

Alex leans into Auston and whispers, “Oz!  Hey!”

He turns toward her all dramatic-like as if he’s in a soap opera and mouths, Whaaa?

“Would you care to explain to me what the heck you’ve been doing?  Frig, I leave you alone for a few hours, and you’re pouring on the charm for BOTH of your doctors?!  Please don’t tell me you’re making moves on them.  Have you fallen for Dr Wright too?”

Auston rolls his eyes dramatically and writes, “NO!!!!!”  

Then what happened when I was gone that made her so…uhm…I don’t know, different?

“I was drawing emojis.”

“Okay?  And...?”

He quickly draws, Mic Drop,  No Clue and Bored Out of My Mind.

Oh!  Alright, then.  Those ARE pretty funny.  I forgot you know how to do those. Ha!  I love that ‘Bored’ one best.  Funny!  Good for you Oz!  They both deserve a good laugh.”

Auston agrees, writing, “Yeah, it was fun watching Dr Wright’s reaction.  Never seen her like that.  She’s usually so serious.  Very kind, great at her job, but she can be pretty intense.  So it was a rush watching her walls come down.”

“Not to mention she’s pretty beautiful.  Am I right?  Huh? Auston?” She pokes.

“I’m not interested in her at all!”  Auston writes in frustration.

“Okay!  Sorry! Take a chill pill.  But don’t try and tell me you’re not interested in Dr Quinn, cause I’m not an idiot.”

Auston blushes and rolls his eyes at her as he writes sarcastically,  “Yeah, you got me, Detective.  You should work for the NYPD, Alex.”

“Thanks.  I’ll look into that.  Law and Order, Special Doofus Unit”,  She jokes.

Auston has to laugh at that one.  He writes with a smirk, “Clever, I’ll give you that.”

Alex laughs, proud of herself for impressing her brother. 

“Did Dr Quinn like your emojis too, Auston?”  She teases.

Auston rolls his eyes.  “As a matter of fact, Dr Q has seen me draw them before. She thought they were pretty funny. I now use them to tease her.  She pretends to not be amused, which as far as I’m concerned adds to my amusement.  They were both fun to watch cause it took them by surprise.”

“Yeah, I don’t imagine many patients can draw like that or would draw emojis for their doctors”, Alex laughs at the idea.

Auston adds, “I wish you were here to see it.  BTW why were you so late coming this morning?  You missed a lot of information, and now Dr Q’s going to have to repeat it all.  But I suppose that’ll make her stay longer today, so I guess a ‘thanks’ is in order.”

“Well, as a matter of fact, Auston, I was finishing up that lovely job you gave me”, Alex says with disdain.

“Oh...”, Auston writes, pursing his mouth, regretting he even asked.  He’s cautious as he detects annoyance in her voice.  He thinks, Oh, Oh. This ain't gonna be good.

“Yes!  I finally got through all your freakin’ social media, and you actually owe me TWO HUGE-ASS MANSIONS, definitely some KICK-ASS THERAPY and a month at a FULL-SERVICE SPA.  Shit, Auston!  You’re a dirty boy!”  She speaks quietly but with a harsh tone.

“Yeah, I know”, he writes sheepishly.  “I’m really sorry, Alex.  I’ve been thinking a lot about what you might see on my phone, and I’m actually very embarrassed.  I don’t like thinking about that ‘old me’, cause I’m not that person anymore.”

“Since when?  And why?”  Alex asks.

“Since being in here.  I’ve had time to reflect and can see that I got caught up in an exciting playboy lifestyle that worked for my need to be selfish in order to pursue my career goals.  But I don’t want that life anymore and I don’t want to be that person anymore.”

“Oh?”  Alex questions.

“I want to be in a committed and mature relationship with Dr Quinn, even if I have to sacrifice some time spent on my career goals.  I want Quinn.  I want a relationship of substance with Quinn.  I want a ‘normalish’ life with Quinn.”

Alex unloads, “Well, I’m very glad that you have resolved to change your ways, Auston, cause I had a whole lecture that I was gonna throw at you just now.  I’ll spare you most of it but need you to know this:  I love you dearly, but I won’t permit you to subject Dr Quinn to any of that cheap-ass shit you were engaged in with other women prior to your accident.  If you even consider pursuing it with her, I’ll talk to Mom and Dad, and I’ll warn Dr Quinn. She deserves THE VERY BEST man in her life and from what my eyes witnessed, sorting through your texts and such, YOU have been VERY far from ‘BEST’; more-like, ‘Best Asshole’.  I know why you initially went the route of being a ‘player’, ‘wheeler’, ‘hooking up,’ whatever you want to call it. I get it.  It made sense back then.  But that’s a life of absolute zero substance and completely shallow.  Dr Quinn deserves substance and frankly at this point in your life, so do you.”

“I know!  Trust me! I know that now!”  Auston pleads.

“I really hope you do, Oz.  You’re an amazing guy.  You have so much to offer a woman and a relationship, and it would be a real waste if you keep up those shallow ways just because you live life in the fast lane.  It’s time to move on and be a real man.”

“Alex.  I get it. You’re 1000% right, and you don’t have to talk to Mom, Dad or Quinn because I can assure you, I am not the same person I was before my accident.”

“Go ahead, Auston.  I’m listening…or reading, I should say.”

“Honestly, I don’t know if it’s because I almost died or because I finally took a beat to reflect but I’ve realized I’ve become a man in the last few years.  Or maybe Quinn has made me want to be a better man to be with her?  It could be a combination of all three.  But I can assure you, every cell in my body wants to be the very best man that I can for her.  To me, she is the most amazing person I’ve ever met.  She thrills me.  I can’t get enough of her.  She means everything to me.  I want to bring the same amount of joy to her as she brings to me”, He rationalizes.

“Okay.  Good. And, Wow Oz!  I really want to believe you will change, but it’s hard to break bad habits.”

Auston is determined to convince Alex he’s changed. “Let me put it this way, if I find out that someone with the ‘old me agenda’ is, or has moved on Quinn, (and I honestly can’t even let myself consider that possibility because it’s too upsetting), after I’m done taking care of that asshat, he will be in desperate need of another doctor.  Do you get my drift?  I know how I was, and I will never be that way again.  I won’t tolerate anyone treating Quinn like a consumable, let alone me.”

“Okay, Oz, but please don’t go doing anything stupid to anyone.  I’m very glad that you see the light”, Alex warns.

“Alex, I’ve never felt like this about anyone before Quinn. I’m absolutely bat-shit crazy about her. It’s like she’s heroin and I’m addicted. I’m a puddle when she’s around and a wreck when she’s not.  I’m embarrassed to tell you that with the very best of intentions, I have done some desperate shit to get her to spend time with me.”

“No!  Auston! What desperate shit did you do?” Alex panics.

“Well, for one thing, I almost died; but first I made her cry”,  Auston confesses.

“What?!  The hell?! Oz!  What are you talking about you almost died?  Again?!  And you made Dr Quinn cry?!  Are you crazy?!”

“Yes, Alex, I am crazy!  Apparently, certifiable!  I’m sorry to say; I did both.  I was completely distraught after not seeing Quinn all last week.  Then yesterday, she made it seem like she was going to be too busy to see me much this week, and it’s my last week here!  Plus she started dating a fucking doctor-god last week!  I call him Dr McDreamy cause from what I can gather from my research; he’s all that and then some.”  

“Oh, no!  Really?”

“Frig! It pisses me off royally!  Quinn hasn’t dated since dinosaurs last roamed the earth, but she decides to take up with a fucking doctor when I arrive on the scene”, Auston laments.

“Oh, boy!  That’s not good”, Alex reasons.

“Yeah, and BTW, Alex, you’re comments are not helping.”  Auston points out, rolling his eyes.

“Sorry!  But neither are yours!  ‘Almost died’ and ‘made my doctor cry’.  Shit!  What a freaking mess, Auston!  What did you do?  Specifically!”  Alex snaps back.

“I made her upset by making her think I doubted her promise to be there for me for the rest of my recovery.  I also accused her of abandoning me last week”,  Auston confesses.

“Auston!  No!” Alex freaks.

“Yes!”  He takes in a deep breath and sighs.  “Oh God, Alex! I know!  I’m such a mess!  But I needed to remind her of her purpose for being a doctor in the first place - to be there for her patients.  You know?  For people like Josh.  So she’d be there for me.”

“Oh Auston, that’s some off-base shit right there. She IS there for her patients!  She’s been incredibly dedicated to you! To Mom, Dad, Bre and Me.  24 freaking 7, Auston!  Last week, she didn’t even know you were struggling cause Dr Wright didn’t tell her.  She had a medical conference to attend, and she had meetings.  She checked up on you every day with Dr Wright.  And tell me you did NOT bring up Josh’s name.  Did you?!”

“No!  I could never be that cruel!  I know she’s been there for me.  I just wanted her to come around this week so we could develop a relationship.  Otherwise, she was going to be spread too thin.  I needed to make sure I got a chance to find my way into her heart”,  Auston explains as his heart pounds and his blood pressure rises.

“I know, but still, that was selfish and entitled behaviour, Auston”, Alex lashes out.

“I know it seems that way.  I just didn’t feel like I had any other option since I go home next week.  I saw a chance, and I took it.  It devasted me to hurt her like that, and I ended up getting so upset that I choked on my congestion.  I couldn’t breathe, so she had to suction me.  It was scary as hell, Alex”, Auston tries to make her understand.

“Auston!  Oh, my God! I don’t even know what to say right now”, Alex blurts out in frustration.

As Alex sorts through all the information Auston has spilt on her,  Auston sits, staring down at his hands, feeling anguish; conflicted and berating himself for being selfish.

After what seems like forever of nothing, Alex blurts out, “Not cool, Oz!  So not cool! Frig!  What if Mom and Dad find out?”

Auston nods in agreement and immediately falls apart. He is distraught.  Tears start to flow down his face.

He starts coughing.

Oh shit, here I go again!

Alex sees what’s happening and tries to do damage control.  She jumps up from her chair and pulls Auston into her arms.  Alex whispers in his ear as she rubs his back to comfort him.  She knows she was too hard on him in his vulnerable condition.  She’s upset with herself.  

Alex desperately attempts to calm him, “Hey, Hey, Hey!  Oz! Shhhh.   It’s okay. I’m sorry for being so harsh.  You’ve been through so much.  My words were severe.  No one knows what it’s like to walk in your shoes.  But I can understand.  When I think about it, I absolutely understand.  No need to cry, Oz.  I completely understand why you did what you did.  You were desperate.  I get it. Anyone in your situation would feel the need to do what you did.  It’s all good now.  Dr Quinn’s good.  You saw her earlier this morning.  She seemed really good.  Please calm yourself down, so you don’t choke.  Please, Oz.  Get yourself together, okay?  I support you.  I want what you want.  I want her for you too.  It was worth it, Oz.  I can see that.  What other choice did you have? Please suck it up, Oz.  Swallow. Take relaxing breaths.  Okay?”  She pulls away to let him catch his breath and reaches for tissues to try to dry his face. He grabs hold of her arm so she won’t leave him.

Auston continues to cough.  He swallows.  He keeps coughing.  He keeps swallowing.  He squirms as he tries to gain control and feels like if given a bit more time, he will be okay.  But when he starts to choke and wheeze, Alex sounds the alarm.

“Jacqui!  Nurse! Doctor!  Auston’s choking!  Help!  Hurry!”  She yells.

Auston is disappointed.  He really thought he could get it under control without the need for the Suction.  He wants to be able to master his secretions.

Jacqui is at Auston’s side in seconds.  She assesses the situation and grabs the Suction as Alex tries to move out of the way as best she can with Auston’s death grip on her arm.

Auston extends his free hand out in front of him to signal for Jacqui to stop and shakes his head ‘no’.  He wants more time.  ‘No suction yet’ is his clear message.

Jacqui stands down, watching as Auston continues to cough and wheeze. They both encourage him to relax, focus on drawing in breath and coughing.  

It takes about 30 seconds until Auston has caught his breath; for all three of them, it feels like an eternity.

Jacqui tells him she’ll stay in the room until he feels confident that he’s got things under control.

“What brought that on?”  She asks Alex.

“He was upset about something we were talking about”, Alex explains.

“Oh, I see.  Well, maybe you could change the subject to something a little cheerier. But at the same time, getting upset is bound to happen, and this is a great opportunity to learn how to manage the secretions – which you did!  You actually did great Auston!  Really impressive; you managed to stay calm, and you fought through it.  You’re showing great progress, and that’s what this week is about”,  Jacqui points out.

Auston nods with a smile.  He is happy with what he just did there.

“You okay now, Auston?”  Jacqui asks.

Auston nods and gives a smile and thumbs up.

“Then can I have my arm back bro?”  Alex begs with a relieved giggle.

Auston lets go of Alex’s arm and holds out his hand for some tissues to wipe his face.

So since you feel comfortable now, I can step out and leave you two alone for a few more minutes as it’s almost time for Dr Quinn to come and oversee the 11 am procedures.  Great job, Auston!  You too Alex!”

Auston gives Jacqui the thumbs up, and mouths ‘thank you.’

“Yes, thank you so much, Jacqui!”  Alex calls out.

Auston grabs the board and marker that Alex picks up off the floor for him.  He writes, “Thanks, Alex.  Sorry you had to see that.  It’s scary when it happens, but I felt confident that I had it under control.”

“Ha!  Yeah, Bam Bam,  you’re vulture grip on my arm made me feel really confident too”, She teases. “Seriously though, it’s upsetting but you did a great job and I’m sorry I distressed you.”

Auston writes, “It’s ok.  I know Dr Quinn will be here shortly so I want to tell you privately, that it may sound bad, but I’m glad I did what I did because I got Quinn to commit to coming to see me every day this week for Talk Therapy.”

“I thought she already was doing Therapy with you? You told Mom and Dad that she was.”

“Yeah, I know.  I lied about that.  Please don’t tell Mom and Dad!  I just needed them to leave me alone with Dr Quinn, but they wouldn’t let go of the therapy issue.  I told you, Alex, she’s like an addiction!  I would do anything to be alone with her.  I needed a chance for her to get to know me.”

“I understand why you can’t tell Dr Quinn how you feel right now.  She’d have to stop being your doctor.  She would never abuse or risk her position by allowing an obvious attraction. You can’t go losing her as your doctor. You need to be careful.”

“Exactly!  I want Dr Quinn to work with me cause she’s the only one who could possibly resurrect my voice.  The good thing is she wants to work with me cause I represent her ‘dead boyfriend’ and winning the ‘Stanley Cup’.”

“Auston!  Hold the phone!  Surprisingly, I get the reference to ‘her dead boyfriend,’ being Josh, but you’ve lost me at ‘winning the Stanley Cup’?!  What the hell are you talking about?!”  

“She told me that for her, saving my life was like making the Cup Finals and that restoring my voice would be like winning the Stanley Cup.”

Alex points out, “Well, if anyone could relate to an analogy like that it would be you.”

“I know, right?!  And how can I deny her the chance to win a ‘Stanley Cup’?”  He jokes.

“Ha!  Yeah, you’re so selfless, Auston”,  Alex mocks.

“Yeah, I know.  So now we’re playing games.  I’m playing ‘Avoid the Danger Zone’, and she’s playing, ‘Ignore the Elephant in the Room.’

“Neither sound very fun, Oz.” Alex adds, dryly.

“Honestly Alex, worst games ever!  I’m pretty sure I’m losing my game, where I try to hide how I feel about her, so she doesn’t have to stop being my doctor.  But I’m making out okay so far because she’s acing her game; where she absolutely refuses to acknowledge to herself that I’m interested in her.”

“Do you really think she knows how you feel about her?” Alex asks.

“Yeah.  I think she must have picked up on some clues; subconsciously anyway. She’s brilliant so I don’t know how she could miss them.  But she’s also either really good at making it look like she doesn’t know or in fact doesn’t know. I’m at a loss, really.”

“Do you think she likes you?”  Alex asks.

“Well, yesterday, she accidentally told me that she liked me”,  Auston reveals with a blush.

“What?!”  Alex gasps, excitedly.

“Yeah.  Dr Quinn let it slip in a conversation saying, ‘so that’s why I like you so much’”, Auston can’t help but smile.

“No way!”  Alex freaks.

“Hey!  Don’t act so surprised!”  Auston jokes.

“Ha!  Sorry! I’m just really happy for you.  What did YOU say?”  Alex asks.

“I teased her in a light, friend-like way, cause I don’t want to force her hand.  But it could be that’s how she meant it.  I’m not quite sure if she’s interested in me as more than a friend or just someone that thinks, ‘I’m a wonderful person’”,  Auston explains.

“She said ‘you’re a wonderful person?!’”  Alex jumps.

“Yeah.  But I swear if you’d been there, you wouldn’t know how to take it.  She brushed it off as something anyone would think if they knew me.  Honestly, Alex, it all seems like a mind game that I’m sure she doesn’t even know she’s playing. She just won’t go there; won’t let herself acknowledge it.”

“Cause then she’d have to do something about it. Right?  She’s smart”,  Alex reasons.

“Yup.  That she is for sure and very stubborn about pursuing her goals.”

“Sounds like someone else I know”,  Alex points out.

“Huh?  I’m not stubborn like Quinn”,  Auston denies.

“Oh, you think?  You’re kidding, right?”  Alex calls him out.

Auston considers the idea and then concedes, “Yeah.  You’re probably right.  Ha! I suppose we are similar in that.  We’re like dogs with a bone.”

“Probably one of the reasons why you like her so much”, Alex guesses.

“Love”, Auston corrects her.

“Oh, sorry.  “Love” her so much”,  Alex exaggerates, rolling her eyes but secretly thrilled.

“Got to call it what it is, Sis.  I’ve never been in love before so when you’re in it, it’s a big deal”,  Auston informs her.

“But she’s dating, huh?  That’s a big problem, Oz”,  Alex points out.

“Yeah.  I’m assuming this Doctor McDreamy’s my direct competition.  So that’s what forced me to challenge her; so I could set up another game that I’m calling, ‘Day by Freaking Day’.  

“Wow!  Oz!  Worst game title ever!”  Alex blurts out.

“Ha! Yeah, I know, right!”  Auston admits.

“So how do you play?”

“Well, as the name implies, I spend time with Dr Quinn during the day, let her get to know me and hopefully endear myself to her. Then she goes out with Doc McStuffins at night, and she realizes she likes me better.  That’s the only chance I have.  So every moment I have with her this week is precious.”

“Ha!  Oz?”  Alex questions.

Auston looks at her curious, Huh?

Doc McStuffins is a girl”,  Alex giggles.

Auston laughs to himself, writing, “Oh.  Ha!  Well, let’s hope Dr Peters is a girl.  That would help my cause.”

“Or complicate it?”  Alex jokes.

“Yeah!  Ha!  I suppose so.”  He chuckles.

Oh!  Before Quinn comes back, I want to ask you for another favour.  I want to get her a special gift to thank her for everything she’s done for me.”

“Awww.  Sweet!”

“I’ll get something for the others as well, but I want to get something extra special for Quinn, and it will need sourcing.”

“Okay?”

“You’ll need to go see the Jeweller that we use in Yorkville.  Get him to source out the items cause there is no way he’ll have them.  No restriction on price but don’t tell him that. Get him to text me what he finds and the cost.”  

“Sure.  What are you thinking?”  Alex asks.

“If you look in my bedside table you’ll find a piece of paper where I’ve listed specifically what I want.  The sooner you can get them, the better, but I understand if it might take a bit.”

“Okay”, curious, Alex heads over to the other side of Auston’s bed to get the paper.  She pulls out the note and reads it.  A smile washes across her face. “Wow, Auston!  Looks like you put a lot of thought into this.  You’re a real sweetheart.  She’s gonna love them.”

“Good!  I want the gift to touch her heart.”  Auston smiles, pleased with himself and excited for the day that he can give them to her.

“Thanks a lot for looking after this and me. You’re a saint!”  Auston gushes.

Alex acknowledges Auston’s gratitude with a smile. She puts the slip of paper in her purse and pulls out Auston’s cell phone and places it on his bedside table.

“I almost forgot!  Here’s your cell phone, Oz.  I did up a blurb for your social media accounts. I texted it to you.  You’ll need to review it, make any changes you want and send it to Judd for approval.”

“Oh, wow!  Thanks, Alex! Great!  I really appreciate everything you have done for me.  I think I’ll keep you around.”  

“Well, after your social media crap, I think I’m retiring as your sister”,  Alex teases.

“Ha!  Sorry. But I need my big sister.  You’re stuck with your dumbass little brother forever.”

“Yeah, don’t I know it.  All joking aside though,  I also got distracted and forgot to tell you, there are a couple girls texting you that seem to think you were about to make things serious before your accident.”

“What?  No!  Who?  Names?”  Auston writes, clearly upset.

“A ‘Bridget’ and a ‘Chantelle’.  Were you going to ask them to be exclusive?”

“Hell No!  I specifically made it my practice that prior to each hookup, they understood and agreed there would be no strings.  I learned that lesson the hard way and you know that.”

“Yes.  Well, they both appear to have magically changed their minds and they are very concerned about you since your accident and want to be here for you.”

“Together?!” Auston imagines what that would look like.

“No, not together, Dum Dum!  But they both indicated in their texts that they have come to the hospital trying to get in to see you; each saying she is your girlfriend.  But security stopped them cause they weren’t on the list.”

“Oh shit!  Can’t you just tell them I died?”  He writes, half-joking.

“Auston, you need to text Judd and get his advice on how to say adios to these women.  Can you do that in the next few days?  Or do you want me to call him and I’ll just tell him there has been a misunderstanding and you’re not interested in pursuing any type of relationship?”

“Yeah, can you do the second one you mentioned?  Please.  I don’t have the energy and I trust you can deal with it based on how you helped me a few years back with Rebecca”,  Auston begs.

“Sure.  Hopefully, these ones will go quietly into the night.”

“Thanks, Alex.  Keep me in the loop.  They were fun and beautiful women but I’m not interested.”

“Oz, you’ll also need to wrap up your old life with all your hookups.  You’ll need to tell them all goodbye”,  Alex advises.

“Please get Judd to do that on my behalf.  Tell him I can’t even talk for god-sakes.”

“Okay.  I will.  And...Oh, you also need to figure out who is going to stay with you while you’re home recovering, so message Mom and Dad tonight.”

“Will you stay with me?  Can you?”  Auston pleads.

“Really, you want ME?  After today?”  Alex questions.

“Yes, especially after today.  We’ve been through a lot.  You know me better than anyone.  You’re my confidente, biggest fan and best friend.  I trust you, and I enjoy your company.  If you would like to stay with me, I’d love to have you.” Auston tells her.

“Well, thanks, Oz!  I’ll seriously consider it.  I enjoy living in Toronto.  I also have been waiting for the right time to tell you that I have been seeing a guy from Toronto.  I met him here at the hospital in the waiting room.   His father was in the Intensive Care Ward when you were there.”

“No way!  So something else great came out of my accident?  What’s your boyfriend’s name?  How old is he?  What’s he do? Do you really like him?” Auston gives Alex the third degree.

“Whoa, Oz!  Yes, I really like him a lot.  I actually feel like I’m falling in love with him”, Alex says as a smile lights up her face.

“No way?!”  Auston writes.

“Way!  His name is Adam Lang.  He’s a Toronto Firefighter.  He’s actually studying to be a Captain.  He’s 33 years old.  Never been married. Has a golden retriever.  Lives in the ‘Beaches’.  He treats me like gold.  He’s smart as hell and a jock.  He makes me laugh, and we never run out of stuff to talk about or do.  I know you’ll hit it off”,  She tells him excitedly.

Auston smiles and motions for Alex to come in for a hug. He squeezes her tight and kisses her on the cheek.  Auston is so happy for her.  He knows she’s seen her share of heartbreaks over the years with two serious relationships that didn’t last.  He always worried about her happiness and hoped she’d find a good guy.

They pull apart, and Auston writes, “I want to meet him!  Bring him by.”

“Really?  Even though you can’t talk yet?”  Alex asks.

“I don’t care.  I have to meet him.  I have to make sure he’s not ‘a player’.”  He writes, teasing and adds a winky face emoji.

Alex rolls her eyes and laughs.  “Oh, he’s not ‘a player’ at all, Oz.  He’s a fan. But not the Leafs.  He’s a Bruins fan!”

Auston’s mouth drops open in shock as he raises his head to the ceiling mouthing a silent scream of “No!!!!!!!!!!!!” (See Gif at top of the page for the type of reaction).  Then he grabs his marker dramatically as he writes and emphasizes each exclamation point with a flourish. “No!!!!!!!!!!” 

Alex laughs.

After a minute stare down, where Auston tries to determine whether Alex is messing with him, Auston writes, begging, “Alex! Please tell me you’re joking! It’s not nice to be mean to someone in the hospital.”

“Just a little payback for how you treated Quinn. You’ll have to wait and ask Adam when you meet him.”

Auston writes, “Well played, Alex!  Well played!  I deserve this.”

They both laugh and high five each other just as Dr Quinn enters the room.

[sardonicnihilism]

A Biography of the Woman Who Never Was

Part 3 The Young Adult

Chapter 23

At first, everything seemed normal (or at least normalish). Shannon had been surprised by Jen's apparent dismissal, but she figured she could fix that later. When she got home, she went to bed and slept quite well. Her mother was fairly unobnoxious the next morning. The two even spent the day together. It wasn't until the next day that she discovered things were off.

She was in the back, separating store fixtures when she first heard the voices. It was was like hearing a television that had been turned down to where it was just barely audible. She was used to hearing different people talk as they came by, looking for this thing or that, but it was the fact it was so low that caught her attention. She looked around, but couldn't see anyone and the voices seemed to stop.

Shannon went back to her sorting when she started to hear them again. The first time it just sounded like two people having a conversation; now it sounded like multiple conversations layered on top of each other. She once again stopped and looked around. Still there was no one.

It was then she found herself getting extremely cold. Her skin broke out in goosebumps. She got the distinct feeling of not just being not alone, but surrounded. Out of the corner of her eye, she thought she saw someone looking at her. She spun around and saw no one.

She was now feeling a growing unease, a fear; the fear of an animal that knows it's being slowly herded into a trap. She began to pray as she shivered, hoping someone, anyone, would come back here. Just outside of the double doors was a mall full of people, yet she felt completely alone. No, not alone, but without the companionship of other humans.

The tension never subsided, even when she left to do a tour of the store to see if anyone needed anything. It felt like there was an invisible partition between her and them. It was as if they were in parallel universes and she could see them, but they couldn't see her. In their universe, they shopped and talked and made plans about what to do for the rest of the day. In hers, she was surrounded by innumerable entities that stared at her, but never drew close or announced themselves.

After work, she found it was impossible for her to be by herself. She always made sure she was in the same room as her mother. When she had to go to the bathroom, she made sure to call down and find something to talk about. The drive to the gym was almost unbearable. During her workout, she refused to look in the mirrors for fear of what she might see.

At night, she slept with her light and stereo on. Still her sleep was light and plagued by nightmares. Decayed, rotting corpses coming out of the walls, floor, and ceiling, grabbing at her, tearing her apart, pulling her into the house.

The rest of the week brought no relief. Day after day, she felt the air get thicker around her, to the point where she thought she might drown. There always seemed to be things, always just out of view, that were looking at her, and whenever she had any silence, the voices came to torment her.

She had decided to give Jen some space, let her work out whatever disappointment she might have in her, but by Saturday, she was so on edge, she felt as though her sanity was at stake. She went to Jen's house and knocked on the door. When Jen opened it up, she gave Shannon a disdainful look.

"What?" she asked curtly.

"Something's happening," Shannon replied, her voice shaking, on the verge of tears.

"Probably," Jen said in the same short, brisk way. "But that's your Christ's problem," she said as she tried to close the door.

Shannon put her arm up and stopped her. "What's happening to me?" Fear poured out from every word she said.

"I told you, you took the step of no return. You entered into the outer realm, you rang some very serious bells which drew the attention of some very nasty things. I offered you protection, but you rejected it, rejected me!"

"No, I didn't. I don't know what I saw, what I experienced, just that it was horrible. I'm scared and I didn't want God to turn His back on me or to think I turned my back on Him."

"You did that the moment you came to me. Besides, we're witches, God hates us."

"No, I can't believe. . .,"

"Your belief is irrelevant. You are what you are. And now you're alone. You lost your faith and now you've lost me."

It was then Shannon saw a tall, thin man with long, dirty blonde hair and beard sitting in Jen's apartment. "Who's he?" Shannon asked angrily.

"What you were supposed to be. Goodbye and don't come back." With that, Jen slammed the door and Shannon was left on her own.

[happyslittlegirl]

My Happy Place

A/N: I do not own the picture, the characters mentioned, or Kurt Sutter’s creations. I own the OC Allison, OC Colt and the plot.

Trigger warning(s): hospitals, maybe cursing(?)

Allison’s thoughts will be italicized

Happy’s thoughts will be bold and italicized

Word count: 1346

Proofread but, if you find any mistakes, please don’t hesitate to message me.

Chapter 9

3rd Person Limited - Happy POV

“Pregnant?” Happy questioned the doctor who had pulled him to the side.

“I wouldn’t make this up Mr. Lowman, your wife is indeed pregnant,” the doctor reassured him.

Happy didn’t bother correcting the doctor when he called Allison his wife. Actually, He quite enjoyed it, Allison Lowman.” Nice ring to it,” Happy thought.

It had been a week since Allison had been shot and she had been put into a medically induced coma for her body to heal itself naturally. Happy and the doctors were hopeful she would wake up soon, but it couldn’t come soon enough for Happy.

Happy was still in shock from the news the doctor had revealed to him. “How far along is she?” Happy asked.

The doctor replied, “About 6 weeks. My guess is she had no idea either Mr. Lowman. Has she been under any stress lately?”

Happy thought for a minute, thinking back to when she could have possibly gotten pregnant. “Must’ve been when I broke the news about Jax,” Happy thought.

“I don’t think so, doc,” Happy replied. “I’m sure you’re aware of my profession, but Allison can handle it.”

The doctor nodded, “I’m sure she can, Mr. Lowman. But the baby might not be able to.” The doctor looked towards Allison, who was still in a coma on the hospital bed. “We are letting you be the one to tell your wife about your blessing. But, if you can’t, one of the nurses or myself would be happy to assist you. Have a great day.” With that, the doctor walked out and shut the door, leaving Happy alone with his thoughts.

Happy didn’t know what emotion was that he was currently feeling. Excitement, confusion, nervous, scared? Whatever it was he hadn’t felt this emotion too many times before, if at all. He was older, late 40’s and he would be having his first kid. Was he ready for this? Sure, he treated Colt like his own son, but this baby would have his DNA. Half him, half Allison. His creation is currently inside of his Old Lady. Happy, Allison, Colt and a new baby. Happy actually got a smile on his face thinking about the newest addition. He was ready for this, especially with the love of his life.

Happy’s thoughts were interrupted when he heard Allison groan out of discomfort. He walked swiftly to her bed side and gently grabbed her hand. She shuffled to try and stretch and gasped out in pain as her eyes shot open.

Allison’s POV

“Holy shit, that hurts,” I complained, groggily as I had just woken up.

“Take it easy, little girl. You don’t wanna tear the stitches,” Happy scolded me softly.

I looked up towards Happy and started to tear up. Happy sat on the edge of the bed, opposite of my wounded shoulder and softy pulled me into his chest. He let me cry it out of my system. He knew me like the back of his hand and knew that I just need to cry, to let out all her emotions.

I pulled away slightly and locked eyes with Happy. “I love you, Happy.” I said never faltering my gaze.

“I love you so much more, Allison,” Happy replied with the same amount of emotion.

We fell in a comfortable silence as I laid my head on his chest, listening to his steady heartbeat. A sound I was worried that I’d never hear again. As if a lightbulb went off, I sat up and looked at Happy, worriedly. “Where is Colt?” I questioned, exasperatedly.  “Please tell me he is okay, Happy.”

Happy noticed my heart rate started to accelerate on the monitor. “Relax,” he comforted me. “He’s 100% okay. No marks, bruising, nothing. He’s with Chibs at the clubhouse right now.”

I physically relaxed and let out a sigh of relief. I needed answers as to why I was shot, soI began to question Happy. “What happened to me, Hap? How’d it all go down?” I began as I looked at Happy in need of answers.

“Some MC tried to wipe us out because they finally caught wind of Jax. The President is some punk who thinks he’s a badass. His dad is ex SAMCRO, Kyle Hobart. He turned his back on the club, so he was kicked out. His son, Charlie, thought it would a good idea to take revenge on SAMCRO for vengeance for his dad. Pretty stupid. He’s the one who shot you, so I shot him. He needed to die for what he did to you and to all SAMCRO. These bastards can rot in hell. There are no members of that shitty ass MC. It’s a disgrace to even call them an MC,” Happy finished explaining what happened.

I sat there processing all Happy had told me and I was speechless. Here I had a man who was willing to kill for me, let alone die for me. I couldn’t ask for anything more for my son and I than what God has gifted me with thus far.

“I do have some hopefully exciting news, hun,” Happy tried to lift my spirits.

I tilted my head in confusion as to what this man had to say that something good could possibly come out of this situation.

“Okay? What good could come from being shot, Hap?” I questioned him bewilderedly.

Hap placed one of his large hands on my still non-protruding stomach and said, “you’re pregnant. 6 weeks pregnant.”

My eyebrows shot to my hairline as I heard Happy’s news.

“I’m WHAT?” I asked flabbergasted.

“Pregnant. The doctors ran tests while you were out for a week. They just wanted to run tests on everything and a pregnancy test came back positive.” Happy explained gently.

I thought back to when it could’ve possibly happened. Then it clicked, I snapped my fingers and said, “When we had sex at the clubhouse last!”

Happy laughed as he nodded his head in agreement. A comfortable silence fell between us as we both weighed the pros and cons of the reality that has become us.

“So, what do you wanna do?” Happy asked in a whisper, afraid to break the silence between us.

I looked at Happy and smiled gently, “what do we wanna do? This is your baby too, Hap. It’s not just my decision that matters.”

Happy began to tear up at my words. “This is what I’ve always wanted. What I’ve always truly wanted,” he thought to himself. “A loving Old Lady, a family of my own, and the life of a normalish man.

Happy grabbed my cheeks and pulled my lips to his. He kissed me deeply to show me just how much he truly loved me. “Probably not as much as I love him,” I thought cheekily to myself.  Hap pulled away from the kiss and whispered against my lip, “Marry me?”

I smiled softly and asked, “are you sure this is what you want?”

“You, Colt, and our unborn baby are all I could ever want and then some,” Happy replied eagerly.

I whispered, “As long as our family don’t find out this is how you proposed. Then yes.”

We both laughed and leaned back into each other to continue our kiss, neither of us knew how long they were lip locked, but we were interrupted when a nurse came in.

“Whoops!” the nurse gasped. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but I have your discharge papers.”

Happy and I both laughed at the nurses’ embarrassment and told her to come on in. After signing my discharge papers, I turned towards my fiancé and smiled. “Let’s go home, fiancé,” I said while smiling.

Happy nodded in agreement, “Okay, fiancée, let’s go home to our son.”

Happy and I walked out of the hospital, hand in hand towards his bike. Nothing could ruin this moment. As I rode back to the clubhouse on the back of my Old Man’s bike, I realized this is all I had ever wanted. I wanted a family of my own, and I was beyond blessed with what I have received.

[storiesaremylife]

Normalish Family Part 11

part 1  part 2  part 3  part 4  part 5  part 6  part 7  part 8  part 9  part 10

"Oh, Selina you look stunning!" Barbara cried, standing next to the bride to be in the dress shop. "This is it, definitely."

It was a long white gown, simple and elegant. The skirts flared when she whirled. It was more tule than she was used to, but Selina had to admit that she liked it. And with the single emerald necklace she'd picked out (bought, not stolen. Bruce wouldn't allow that) it would be lavish.

The colors had been decided on green and black. The bridesmaids were all wearing green gowns of a style they chose (as long as it didn't outshine Selina), and Cass's flowergirl dress was black with a green sash.

Selina studied her appearance a moment longer and grinned. "I have to agree, Babs. I think this is it. I only the hope the boys are having as much luck as us."

Stephanie snorted. "Have you ever been shopping with them?"

"Well, no. Not that I can recall."

"Oh God," Barbara moaned. "It's a nightmare. When we were dating, I had to pick out all of Dick's clothes. The boy has absolutely no fashion sense."

"I saw him at the mall with Damian," Steph disclosed. "Poor kid, he's going to grow up thinking that's how normal people dress." Selina laughed. It was nice, hanging out with these girls.

Cassandra stepped forward quietly to hand Selina her cell phone. She checked it to find she had a new message from Bruce: MINOR CRISIS. RINGBEARER MIA. MEET YOU AT THE MANOR FOR DINNER?

Selina frowned. "What's up?" Barbara asked.

"Maybe nothing. Damian's gone rogue."

"Probably nothing," Stephanie said. "He disappears a lot."

"I know," Selina said. "It's just... with everything going on..."

"Don't worry about Damian. Worry about how you'll clean Bruce's drool off the floor when he sees you coming down the aisle.

Dick was on Damian duty. This was typical. He wasn't needed at the tailor after they'd gotten his measurements— they seemed to think he was untrustworthy on the style choices— so he was tasked with hunting the youngest of their family down.

His first stop was the arcade. If Dick needed something from the twelve year old, he could usually bribe him with video games and ice cream. However, Damian wasn't there. That meant he was probably at the manor, and Bruce hadn't searched hard enough.

Not that Dick didn't understand Bruce's side of it. Damian could be the most arrogant, petulant little brat to walk the planet. But Bruce wasn't taking the kid's feelings into account. Since the engagement announcement, Damian had been quiet, holed up in his room more often than not, only coming out for meals. Dick almost lost a hand last time he asked what went on in there.

They also put Dick on Damian duty because Dick was the only one Damian was open with. Tim joked it was because Dick was the only one of their family able to befriend a demon, but Dick knew it was because he was the only one who ever listened to Damian, and took his past into consideration.

"Dames? Dami, buddy, are you in here?" Dick cracked the door to the little boy's room, finding it empty. An easel was set up and there was a slew of paint stains under it. So he'd been working on something. That could have been good or bad. Damian was the artist of the family, but he usually when he painted with this much determination, it was his way of coping with his emotions. The only way his mother had allowed...

Dammit. Talia. This was about Talia. How could they not have seen it before? Dick checked the time. Almost four. The girls should be done at the dress shop by now, and Dick had a feeling Selina was the person best suited to tackle this particular issue.

Eventually he was found in the library, fast asleep with a book on his lap, using Titus (the great dane his father got him for his eleventh birthday) as a pillow. Dick offered to stay, help carry him up to bed, but suddenly coming into money hadn't made Selina completely helpless. She shooed him off and lifted the little boy in her arms, holding him close as she carried him to his room. Titus followed dutifully.

Damian stirred as she set him down in his bed. "Selina?"

"Ssh," Selina said, smoothing his hair back from his forehead. It seemed about time for a haircut, but she'd let Alfred break that news to him. "You gave us all quite a scare young man. No one knew where you were."

"I was out," he replied sleepily. "Please tell me Grayson had no say in what I'll be wearing at the ceremony. He has no fashion sense."

Selina smiled. "Nope. Though it would have been better if you were there."

"Would it? I've never really gotten the feeling people enjoy my company. Todd is never around, Drake and the girls avoid me, Grayson only spends time with me because Father makes him, and Father has you." Her breath caught in her throat. This was the most honest he'd ever been. She thought it was probably connected to the fact that he was barely keeping his eyes open. "Why am I even here?"

"You can't possibly think we don't want you around," Selina said. "Damian, everyone here loves you. Even Tim. We wouldn't have asked you to be in the wedding if we didn't want you there."

"You make him happy," Damian said quietly. His eyes drifted closed. "He's not usually happy."

"You make him happy too. And me." On a whim she kissed his forehead. He sighed, and that sigh turned into the deep breathing of sleep. Selina's heart filled. She was so glad to be a part of this family.

When she slipped out of the room, Alfred was waiting in the hall with a cup of tea. "Brilliantly done, miss," he said. Selina laughed.

"How am I ever going to handle all these kids, Al?"

"I'd say anyone who can tame Master Damian had is more than qualified for the job."

[handofhonor]

honorless. i entirely regret going to bed as late as i did last night but gof was just so good. i have 2, maybe 3 more things to finish for classes tomorrow. i’m lurking around now as i have finished my readings. i’m hoping to get to a few replies but i’m really tired so i’ll have to see how that goes

[purplesurveys]

668

what is the one thing you remember most about january of last year? I was taking a Public Relations elective then and we got free tickets to a PPV for ONE Championship because they’re a client of my prof’s PR firm. I initially got just one ticket, but I had a couple of friends who weren’t into MMA so I asked if I could get their tickets so I could ask Gab and her dad for a night out. The night ended up being really fun and I remember how much her dad’s face lit up when he saw that I paid for his dinner hahaha, it was even more worth it than the time we spent together in the show itself :(((( you look at the clock and it's 11:11, do you wish? My usual pretend-wish is to end up happy one day, but I don’t take 11:11 seriously. how do you think you will look 3 years from now? I bet I’d still look 16, but with a different hairdo and maybe a little more professional by then. once you graduate (if you haven't already) are you leaving your hometown? Definitely not *once* I graduate. I want to make sure I’m financially independent first before I take my first real step outdoors. what is your dream job? To work PR for my dream company, WWE.

what would be number one on your bucket list? Settle, and settle happily. how old do you think you'll be when you make your will? Tbh I’ve already made several rough drafts. I was like 18 or 19 when I made them, probably. you get a text message. who do you hope it is? Just my girlfriend. I don’t really get as excited if it were anyone else. are there any songs that you hear that just make you wanna dance? A lot. Both of my favorite artists – Beyoncé and at least Hayley from Paramore – are into dancing and make songs that make people want to dance, so it’s a natural thing for me. do you get any of your songs from limewire? I never used Limewire, actually. I was always too young for it. I do remember my older cousins introducing me to the program, though. what's the oddest thing you are wearing right now? I’m wearing pretty normalish stuff tonight. you and your best friend get in a fight. why do you think that is? Existential stuff that we disagree on. do you use the word "basically" a lot? I use it pretty often but tbh it’s such a common word used by basic people so I always make it a point to use it much, much less. I use other words or phrases that might be able to take its place like essentially, virtually, simply put, etc. do you use proper grammar or use IM talk? I can use both in one sentence, lol. what is your biggest annoyance at the time? I announced a call for respondents for mine and Andrew’s thesis survey and SO many people are helping out by reposting, sharing, retweeting, tagging people they know – it’s not so much an annoyance but like I’m internally beating myself up just because I feel like I’ve never deserved such a show of kindness. It’s amazing how many people would help out for a thesis; all I could do is thank them one by one, so that’s exactly what I’ve been doing all evening. you see the person you fell hardest for. what do you do? Be surprised as I was literally just with her a little over an hour back. have/are you depressed? Am pretty sure I am, mildly at the very least. did you grow up in the united states? I’ve never even been there. are you dreading tomorrow? Not really. Sundays mean family lunch out, which is always fun (and very filling) when my dad is home. i'm going to see the person i like tomorrow; any confidence boosters? It’s been over 10 years, judging from the year this survey was posted; I hope the meeting went well! do you call anybody 'baby'? Just Gab.

if your school had a winter formal on new years, would you go? I would be very surprised as to why we would need it, but it’s worth checking out I guess. where is the fanciest place you have ever visited? Manila Hotel, without a doubt. Also my friend’s house in Forbes haha. who is the one person you can completely be yourself around? They’re two, and they’re my best friends. are your pop-ups blocked on your computer? Yep, which can sometimes be a real bitch when going to websites that can tell if you have ad blockers on. do you know a guy that has voice cracks, but it's cute? I think most guys have their fair share of voice cracks haha. I don’t find it ‘cute,’ but like I don’t mind it either. It’s just something that slips out. do you wear earrings on a normal basis? Nah. I can’t wear the traditional earrings because of my fucked up piercing, and as for clip-on ones, I keep losing the one I have :/ what stereotype would people associate you with? Prrrrretty sure I’d be bunched with the conyos, but I don’t mind. Idk where else I’d fit, actually. how old were you when you realized that life goes on? 17, when my grandfather died. do you consider yourself mature? It’s not the first word I’d use to describe myself. are your parent's night owls or morning birds? Definitely morning birds. I’m the complete opposite. do you like to sing? By myself. are there some songs that you will never understand the lyrics to? Fucking alt-J songs, dude lmao. I’ve grown to be content with just humming along to their songs because I’ve found it impossible to understand all of them. do you own a lot of picture frames? Nope. who is your favorite author? I don’t have one. how many pillows are on your bed? Two. how is your hair right now? It’s doing just fine lol, nothing too remarkable to say about it at the moment. is your phone fully charged? Far from it; it’s at 22%. what's your favorite thing about the holidays? No classes. are you still in school? Yes. how many days/months until your next birthday? Like a month and two weeks. HOLY SHIT I’M TURNING 22. what is your favorite type of cake? Cheesecake! how many rings do you wear on a day-to-day basis? Zero. Rings have never been my accessory of choice. when will you next laugh until you cry? Honestly no clue. Maybe the next time we drink out, which will be I have no idea when.

[bountyofbeads]

Thanks to Arwa Damon and her team on the ground in Iraq and as the 'Fog Of War' begins to lift in 🇮🇶 Iraq, we are beginning to see the real danger our U.S. 🇺🇸 troops and our Iraqi partners were truly in. PRAISE BE TO GOD none were injured, maimed, or killed. Trump and his minions need to realize that their decisions have real life effects and going to war with Iran 🇮🇷 is a losing proposition for all sides. DIPLOMACY IS THE ONLY ANSWER TO SOLVING THE SITUATION WITH THE LEADERSHIP OF IRAN.

US troops sheltered in Saddam-era bunkers during Iran missile attack (VIDEO)

By Tamara Qiblawi, Arwa Damon and Brice Laine | Updated 4 hours ago Jan 13, 2020 | CNN | Posted Jan 13, 2020 |

Al-Asad air base, Iraq (CNN) - Akeem Ferguson was in a bunker when his team received the bone-chilling radio transmission: Six Iranian ballistic missiles were headed in their direction.

The concrete slab they had taken cover under offered little protection from projectiles that US troops in Iraq were being attacked with.

"I held on to my gun and put my head down and I tried to find a happy place, so I started singing to my daughters in my head," said the six-foot tall US Staff Sergeant. "And I just waited. I hoped that whatever happened, that it was quick."

"I was 100% ready to die," he added.

Ferguson survived unscathed along with other US troops and civilian contractors on Iraq's al-Assad base, after a barrage of Iranian ballistic missiles on the morning of January 8.

The strike was the widest scale attack on a base housing US troops in decades. Troops said the absence of casualties was nothing short of a "miracle."

American troops stationed at the base are helping to counter ISIS and train Iraqi security forces. No Iraqi troops were hurt in the attack.

A closer look at the site reveals a base vulnerable to this type of assault.

Personnel received advance warning of the strike several hours before it took place, enabling them to take cover. Still they lacked the surface-to-air defenses to fend off a ballistic missile assault -- US military did not build structures on the base, one of the oldest and largest in Iraq, to protect against an attack of this kind. They were at the mercy of the downpour of missiles.

Near the airfield, shards of metal crack underfoot as two military personnel take measurements of the gaping crater left behind by one of the missiles. It is around 2 meters deep and roughly 3 meters in diameter -- a burned copy of "Beauty and the Beast" teeters on the edge of the hole. A flip-flop, an Uno card, and a military jacket stick out from the charred wreckage left in the wake of the missile.

This was a housing unit for drone pilots and operators on the base. They evacuated the unit before the strike. Incidentally, the they had nicknamed the living quarters "chaos."

Like most of the US section of the base, they had already been on lockdown at bunkers for over two hours when the first missiles landed.

The strike was an Iranian response to the US drone attack, ordered by US President Donald Trump, that killed Iran's most powerful general, Qasem Soleimani, less than a week before.

After days of anticipation, Tehran's zero-casualty retaliation came as a relief to many. At al-Asad camp, troops could rest easy after days of heightened alert. For countries across the region, it marked a welcome climbdown after the killing of Soleimani raised the specter of region-wide war.

Ten of the 11 missiles struck US positions at the sprawling desert Iraqi airbase. One struck a remote location on the Iraqi military's side.

Roughly one-third of the base is controlled by the US. The Iranian missiles, which used on-board guidance systems, managed to shred sensitive US military sites, damaging a special forces compound, and two hangars, in addition to the US drone operators' housing unit.

CNN journalists were the first to be granted access to the base after the Iranian attack.

ADVANCE WARNING

The first warning came from secret intelligence signals in the evening before the attack. By 11 p.m. on January 7, most of the US troops at al-Asad were sent to bunkers, and a few had been flown out, according to commanders at the base.

Only essential personnel, such as tower guards and drone pilots, would remain unsheltered. They were protecting against a ground assault which base commanders expected would follow the missile attack.

Ground forces never came, and troops would only re-emerge from their shelters at the break of dawn. The strike had ended just before 4 a.m.

Iraqi Prime Minister Adil Abdul Mahdi has said he was told by Iran, at around midnight, to expect airstrikes inside his country. An Arab diplomat who CNN spoke to said that the Iraqis passed on information about the strikes to the US.

But the US had already received reporting about a ballistic missile attack by the time the Iraqis could notify them, according to al-Asad's Lieutenant Colonel Tim Garland.

The first missiles fell at 1:34 a.m. They were followed by three more volleys, spaced out by more than 15 minutes each. The attack lasted over two hours. Troops on the base described it as a time fraught with suspense, fear and feelings of defenselessness.

"You can defend against (paramilitary forces), but you can't defend against this," said Captain Patrick Livingstone, US Air Force Security Forces Commander on the base, referring to previous rocket attacks by armed groups. "Right now, this base is not designed to defend against missiles."

Ill-equipped to defend against ballistic missiles

As the expected attacks drew nearer, most troops filed into dusty, pyramid-like structures peppered throughout the base. These bunkers were built during the rule of deposed President Saddam Hussein.

The thick, slanting walls were constructed decades previous to deflect blasts from Iran. Baghdad had a bloody eight-year war with Tehran (1980-1988) which ended with a stalemate. It was a time when the new Islamic Republic was beginning to demonstrate its military prowess.

US troops said that they were unsure whether the Saddam-era shelters would withstand the ballistic missiles. But they were more sturdy than US bunkers, made to protect against rockets and mortars.

Relatively light-weight rockets and mortars are typically used by ISIS, jihadi extremists and Shia paramilitary in Iraq, who for years have had US troops in their crosshairs. But Iranian ballistic missiles have a far longer range and carry a far bigger payload of explosives -- estimated to be at least half a ton each.

Footsteps echo in a narrow passageway leading into the Saddam-era bunker. The walls are double-layered -- large holes in the interior reveal the coppery outer wall embedded with fans. Two spacious living areas are filled with folding beds, mattresses, stretchers and lockers. On the night of the attack, one of the rooms doubled as a makeshift bathroom, with cut up plastic water bottles serving as urinals.

Lieutenant Colonel Staci Coleman was one of the US team leaders who corralled troops into such a bunker. After about an hour and a half of being in the shelter, she had doubts.

"I was sitting in a bunker and I was like man, maybe I made the wrong decision [to come down here]," said Coleman.

"About 10 minutes, after I said that to myself, it went boom boom boom boom boom and I said well there's my answer."

"The whole ground shook. It was very loud," she said. "You could feel the blast wave in here. We knew they were close."

She said the doors appeared to bend like waves with every hit that reverberated through the shelter. None of the bunkers on the base were impacted.

Meanwhile, Staff Sergeant Ferguson was in a US-made bunker -- a crammed space held together by slabs of five-inch concrete fortified by sandbags. He watched the attack unfold through cracks between the adjacent walls.

"There's a little hole on the side of the shelter and we saw a flash of orange light," said Ferguson. "After that we figured that every time we see a flash it's just a couple of seconds before it's going to hit.

"It was Flash. Boom. Flash. Boom. We didn't know when it was going to stop. We sat there and waited for it to end."

After the first volley, several went out to look for casualties. When the second volley hit nearly 15 minutes later, some were caught in the open.

Staff Sergeant Ferguson said he was worried about comrades who were trapped outside. "After the second volley was over, I was worried about them being at the gate. So I left and went and grabbed them, brought them back to the shelter with us, and then we waited..." he said.

At the time of the expected ground assault, Ferguson had emerged from his bunker to face off with whatever came next. He described peering into the darkness over their gunsights, worn out by the shock of the missiles. But the attack never came.

"We were so tired. It was the worst adrenaline rush ever," said Ferguson.

When troops had all emerged from the bunkers, many went to work, repairing the damage. They described feeling a mixture of relief and shell-shocked. "It was 'normalish' afterwards," said Coleman. "But we were all looking each other in the eye as if to say 'are you ok?'"

Several troops CNN spoke to said the event had shifted their view of warcraft: the US military is rarely on the receiving end of sophisticated weaponry, despite launching the most advanced attacks in the world.

"You looked around at each other and you think: Where are we going to run? How are you going to get away from that?" said Ferguson.

"I don't wish anyone to have that level of fear," he said. "No one in the world should ever have to feel something like that."

*********

Who Signs Up to Fight? Makeup of U.S. Recruits Shows Glaring Disparity

More and more, new recruits come from the same small number of counties and are the children of old recruits.

By Dave Philipps and Tim ARANGO |Published Jan. 10, 2020 | New York Times | Posted January 13, 2020 |

COLORADO SPRINGS — The sergeant in charge of one of the busiest Army recruiting centers in Colorado, Sergeant First Class Dustin Comes, joined the Army, in part, because his father served. Now two of his four children say they want to serve, too. And he will not be surprised if the other two make the same decision once they are a little older.

“Hey, if that’s what your calling is, I encourage it, absolutely,” said Sergeant Comes, who wore a dagger-shaped patch on his camouflage uniform, signifying that he had been in combat.

Enlisting, he said, enabled him to build a good life where, despite yearlong deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan, he felt proud of his work, got generous benefits, never worried about being laid off, and earned enough that his wife could stay home to raise their children.

“Show me a better deal for the common person,” he said.

Soldiers like him are increasingly making the United States military a family business. The men and women who sign up overwhelmingly come from counties in the South and a scattering of communities at the gates of military bases like Colorado Springs, which sits next to Fort Carson and several Air Force installations, and where the tradition of military service is deeply ingrained.

More and more, new recruits are the children of old recruits. In 2019, 79 percent of Army recruits reported having a family member who served. For nearly 30 percent, it was a parent — a striking point in a nation where less than 1 percent of the population serves in the military.

For years, military leaders have been sounding the alarm over the growing gulf between communities that serve and those that do not, warning that relying on a small number of counties that reliably produce soldiers is unsustainable, particularly now amid escalating tensions with Iran.

“A widening military-civilian divide increasingly impacts our ability to effectively recruit and sustain the force,” Anthony M. Kurta, acting under secretary of defense for personnel and readiness, told the National Commission on Military, National and Public Service last year. “This disconnect is characterized by misperceptions, a lack of knowledge and an inability to identify with those who serve. It threatens our ability to recruit the number of quality youth with the needed skill sets to maintain our advantage.”

To be sure, the idea of joining the military has lost much of its luster in nearly two decades of grinding war. The patriotic rush to enlist after the terrorist attacks of 2001 has faded. For a generation, enlisting has produced reliable hardship for troops and families, but nothing that resembles victory. But the military families who have borne nearly all of the burden, and are the most cleareyed about the risks of war, are still the Americans who are most likely to encourage their sons and daughters to join.

With the goal of recruiting about 68,000 soldiers in 2020, the Army is now trying to broaden its appeal beyond traditional recruitment pools. New marketing plays up future careers in medicine and tech, as well as generous tuition benefits for a generation crushed by student debt. The messaging often notes that most Army jobs are not in combat fields.

But for now, rates of military service remain far from equal in the United States, and the gap may continue to widen because a driving decision to enlist is whether a young person knows anyone who served in the military. In communities where veterans are plentiful, teachers, coaches, mothers, uncles and other mentors often steer youths toward military service. In communities where veterans are scarce, influential adults are more wary.

That has created a broad gap, easily seen on a map. The South, where the culture of military service runs deep and military installations are plentiful, produces 20 percent more recruits than would be expected, based on its youth population. The states in the Northeast, which have very few military bases and a lower percentage of veterans, produce 20 percent fewer.

Top Counties for Army Recruitment(SEE MAP ON WEBSITE)

Each map shows the 500 counties with the highest recruitment rates in a given year as a percentage of population, excluding counties with fewer than five recruits.

The main predictors are not based on class or race. Army data show service spread mostly evenly through middle-class and “downscale” groups. Youth unemployment turns out not to be the prime factor. And the racial makeup of the force is more or less in line with that of young Americans as a whole, though African-Americans are slightly more likely to serve. Instead, the best predictor is a person’s familiarity with the military.

“Those who understand military life are more likely to consider it as a career option than those who do not,” said Kelli Bland, a spokeswoman for the Army’s Recruiting Command.

That distinction has created glaring disparities across the country. In 2019, Fayetteville, N.C., which is home to Fort Bragg, provided more than twice as many military enlistment contracts as Manhattan, even though Manhattan has eight times as many people. Many of the new contracts in Fayetteville were soldiers signing up for second and third enlistments.

This was not always the case. Military service was once spread fairly evenly — at least geographically — throughout the nation because of the draft. But after the draft ended in 1973, enlistments shifted steadily south of the Mason-Dixon line. The military’s decision to close many bases in Northern states where long winters limited training only hastened the trend.

Today, students growing up in military communities are constantly exposed to the people who serve. Moms pick up their sons from day care in flight suits. Dads attend the fourth-grade holiday party in camouflage. High schools often have Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps programs in which students wear uniforms to class once a week and can earn credit for learning about science, leadership and fitness through a military framework.

Many schools encourage students to take the military’s aptitude exam, the ASVAB, in the way students nationwide are pushed to take the SAT.

That exposure during school is one of the strongest predictors of enlistment rates, according to a 2018 report by the Institute for Defense Analyses.

In Colorado Springs, the high schools with the highest number of military families are also the biggest producers of recruits, Sergeant Comes said, adding that parents aware of the military’s camaraderie, stability and generous health, education and retirement benefits often march their children into his office and encourage them to join.

“We just tell them our story: ‘This is where I was, one of six kids living in a trailer. This is where I am today.’ Good pay check. Great benefits,” he said, adding that even in good economic times, it is an easy sell. His recruiting station made its goals handily this month.

His biggest challenge is finding recruits before they are scooped up by recruiters from the Air Force, Navy and Marines, who work the same fertile neighborhoods.

The situation is markedly different in regions where few people traditionally join.

In Los Angeles, a region defined by liberal politics where many families are suspicious of the military, the Army has struggled to even gain access to high schools. By law, schools have to allow recruiters on campus once a semester, but administrators tightly control when and how recruiters can interact with students. Access is “very minimal,” said Lt. Col. Tameka Wilson, the commander of the Los Angeles Recruiting Battalion.

Predictably, enlistment rates are low.

In 2019 the Army made a push to increase recruiting efforts in 22 liberal-leaning cities like Los Angeles.

As part of that, Army Secretary Ryan D. McCarthy visited officials from the Los Angeles Unified School District in December to push for greater access.

“He was doing a sort of listening tour,” said Patricia Heideman, who is in charge of high school instruction for the school district and said there was a perception the military preys on disadvantaged students. “I told him from the educator perspective, we sometimes feel they are targeting our black and brown students and students of poverty,” she said. And therefore they are less likely to push enlistment.

Recognizing it cannot sustain recruitment numbers by relying only on the South and military communities, the Army has tried to broaden its appeal. Slick ads on social media offer less of the guns-and-grunts messaging of decades past. Instead they play up college benefits and career training in medical and tech fields.

Even within one state there are striking differences in how communities view military service. Colorado Springs produced 29 times as many enlistments in 2019 as nearby Boulder, a liberal university town.

“I grew up in Boulder, and the military appealed to me but it was just not in the culture, or my family,” said Brett Dollar, who now lives in Fort Collins, Colo. “The conversation was not ‘What do you want to do after high school?’ but ‘Which college are you going to go to?’”

She attended Middlebury College in Vermont before becoming a police officer in Fort Collins and, eventually, a law enforcement dog handler.

This fall, at age 32, she decided to enlist in the Army, drawn by the chance to work with dogs in security, bomb-sniffing and rescue missions around the world. She ships to basic training in about a week.

“I’d always had an itch to serve in the military and be useful,” she said. “I think it took me being on my own for a while to realize it was a possibility.”

She said she was going into the work knowing she could soon end up deployed to a combat zone.

“The Army is ultimately a war-fighting organization — you go in knowing that,” she said. “I guess I really didn’t see that as a downside. It’s a core value of mine to try to be of service.”

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Dave Philipps reported from Colorado Springs and Tim Arango from Los Angeles.

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A New Nuclear Era Is Coming

We’ve gone from the first decade since the advent of the atomic age to not yield a new nuclear-weapons state to the brink of war between the U.S. and Iran.

By Uri Friedman | Published Jan 9, 2020 | The Atlantic | Posted Jan 12, 2020 |

Iranian missile attacks on U.S. forces in Iraq. Deadly chaos in Iran. A sudden halt of the fight against the Islamic State. Utter confusion over whether U.S. troops will remain in Iraq, and even whether the United States still respects the laws of war. The fallout from the Trump administration’s killing of Qassem Soleimani has been swift and serious.

But one potential knock-on effect may not come into clear view for some time: the emergence of Iran as the next nuclear-weapons state, at the very moment when the world appears on the cusp of a more perilous nuclear age. It’s possible that the Reaper drone hovering over Baghdad’s airport last week destroyed not only an infamous Iranian general, but also the last hope of curbing Iran’s nuclear ambitions.

Before he’d even said “good morning” during an address to the nation yesterday, Donald Trump vowed that Iran would “never be allowed to have a nuclear weapon” as long as he’s president of the United States. Yet as he urged other world powers to abandon the nuclear deal that they and the Obama administration negotiated with Iran, and that Trump withdrew the U.S. from in 2018, he offered no details on his plan to obtain a better deal.

When the Iranian government announced that it would suspend more (though not yet all) of its commitments under the nuclear agreement, in a move made after Soleimani’s death but planned beforehand, I recalled something Richard Burt, the U.S. diplomat behind the largest nuclear-weapons reduction in history, told me back in 2018. He noted that in the ’80s, when he negotiated the START I treaty with the Soviet Union, people were acutely aware of the existential dangers of a nuclear conflict. That’s no longer the case, he warned.

“No one is focusing on the fact that the existing framework for nuclear control and constraints is unraveling” and giving way to “unrestrained nuclear competition,” Burt observed. What we’re witnessing, he argued, is not some sort of creative destruction, in which an outdated Cold War framework is being discarded in favor of a more modern one. It’s “just destruction.”

Indeed, we’ve gone from the first decade since the advent of the atomic age to not yield a new nuclear-weapons state to, in the first days of 2020, the brink of war between the world’s leading nuclear power and a nuclear aspirant. The Trump administration is now poised to face at least two simultaneous nuclear crises along with an escalating and unprecedented tripartite nuclear-arms race, all of which will threaten the miraculously perfect track record of nuclear deterrence since 1945. Even if there are no nuclear tests or exchanges in the year ahead, the systems, accords, and norms that have helped mitigate the risks of nuclear conflict are vanishing, ushering in a more hazardous era that the United States won’t be able to control.

Consider what has transpired in the past year alone:  

A newly unconstrained Iranian nuclear program: Iran has gradually cast off the shackles of the 2015 nuclear agreement following Trump’s decision to pull the United States out of the pact, though it is still cooperating with international inspectors and leaving itself space to return to compliance if the United States lifts sanctions against Tehran. Experts estimate that with the recent steps away from the deal, the time that Iran would need to generate enough fuel for a nuclear bomb could decrease from roughly a year to a matter of months.

An emerging North Korean nuclear-weapons power: The North Korean leader Kim Jong Un vowed over New Year’s to further advance his nuclear-weapons program, which is already likely sophisticated enough to threaten the whole world, after nuclear talks with the United States fell apart. The targeted killing of a top Iranian official, just a few years after the Iranians struck the nuclear accord with the United States, will probably only reinforce Kim’s belief that the only way for his regime to avoid a similar fate is to cling to its nuclear weapons. The former North Korean diplomat Thae Yong Ho told me he’s concerned Kim could go well beyond that in the coming year, perhaps declaring that the U.S. economic blockade of his country has left his nation no choice but to survive by selling nuclear and missile technologies to other parties, including U.S. adversaries.

The specter of other countries going nuclear: Failing efforts to denuclearize North Korea and broker a better nuclear deal with Iran, coupled with concerns among U.S. allies about Trump’s commitment to providing for their security against these adversaries, have generated talk of Japan, South Korea, Australia, and Saudi Arabia exploring nuclear weapons of their own rather than relying on America’s nuclear deterrent. In a forecast of possible geopolitical risks in 2020, published a couple of weeks before Soleimani’s killing, two scholars at the Atlantic Council predicted that South Korea and Australia, “already pondering nukes, may move to the next stage of actively considering them in 2020, as may Japan. If the Iran nuclear crisis is not resolved, expect the Saudis to buy or rent a nuke from Pakistan.”

Emboldened nuclear states in South Asia: Clashes between India and Pakistan in February 2019, sparked by an attack on Indian security forces by Pakistani militants in the disputed territory of Kashmir, didn’t go nuclear. But they did escalate to an Indian air strike on a terrorist training camp in Pakistan—an act the nuclear experts Nicholas Miller and Vipin Narang have described as “the first ever attack by a nuclear power against the undisputed sovereign territory of another nuclear power.” These were nuclear powers with growing arsenals, no less.

The demise of U.S.-Russian arms control: Blaming Russian violations of the agreement and the unfairness of China not being a party to it, the United States officially withdrew in August from the 1987 Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces (INF) Treaty, which banned an entire class of ground-launched nuclear weapons. The Trump administration has also signaled that it may not renew New START, a 2010 successor to START I that’s due to expire next year and limits the number of nuclear warheads that the U.S. and Russia can deploy on longer-range missiles. The hope is that this will free up the United States to reach a more comprehensive deal that includes China, but so far that idea seems fantastical. A New START lapse would do away with the only remaining nuclear-arms-control treaty. It would also mark the first time since 1972 that America and Russia, which together account for more than 90 percent of the world’s nuclear warheads, haven’t had any legally binding restrictions on their nuclear forces.

The outbreak of great-power competition: The collapse of the INF Treaty coincides with heightened rivalry among the United States, China, and Russia, threatening to accelerate their budding nuclear-arms race. They’re already investing heavily in modernizing their nuclear arsenals and in new technologies such as hypersonic glide vehicles, which evade missile defenses; cyberweapons against command-and-control systems; and artificial intelligence to incorporate into those systems. Meanwhile, the U.S.-China trade war hacks away at the economic interdependence that has helped deter conflict between the two nuclear-armed superpowers.

Read: Inside the collapse of Trump’s Korea policy

These dismal circumstances follow substantial advances in halting the spread of nuclear weapons. In the ’60s, the decade in which the most new nuclear states emerged (France, China, and, unofficially, Israel), John F. Kennedy predicted that there would be “15 or 20” nuclear powers by 1975. Today there are nine, a rate of about one to two entrants into the nuclear club per decade, with the latest being North Korea in 2006. The nuclear-security scholar Jim Walsh has noted that three-fourths of countries that were once interested in developing nuclear weapons ultimately chose not to do so, and that since the ’90s, more states have given up nuclear weapons than acquired them.

The number of nuclear weapons in the world, moreover, has dropped from more than 70,000 in 1986 to fewer than 14,000 today because of arms-control efforts. (That’s still enough, of course, to kill billions of people and envelop the world in a nuclear winter. When it comes to nuclear nonproliferation, progress is only heartening when expressed in relative terms.)

Most of the reductions in these weapons, however, occurred in the ’90s, and the pace of cuts has slowed ever since. We now live in a period when the barriers to acquiring nuclear weapons, a 75-year-old technology, are much lower than they once were. It’s also a time when, as James Holmes of the U.S. Naval War College once explained to me, there are more nuclear-weapons states “of different shapes and sizes … [and] different trajectories,” making the “geometry” of nuclear deterrence ���far more complex and harder to manage” than during the comparatively symmetrical Cold War.

Add to that the fading memory of the Cold War and fiercer competition among the great powers, and it’s no surprise that the guardrails on the world’s most destructive weapons are disappearing.

The past year may be remembered “as the turning point from an era of relative calm” to “the dawn of a dangerous new nuclear age,” Miller and Narang wrote last month in Foreign Affairs. The consequences could be “catastrophic.”

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The Race for Big Ideas Is On

The United States faces genuinely new global challenges—but tries to understand them using outmoded theories from a bygone era.

By Amy Zegart, Contributing writer | Published January 13, 2020 | The Atlantic | Posted January 13, 2020 |

In the past two weeks, escalating hostilities brought the United States to the brink of yet another conflict in the Middle East—this time with Iran. But such a conflict might not look much like the others that American forces have fought in the 21st century.

Tank-on-tank warfare this isn’t. While crises are inherently unpredictable, Iran’s decision on Tuesday to lob missiles at bases housing American troops in Iraq might well be the last of its conventional retaliation for the American air strike that killed General Qassem Soleimani. Future hostilities are more likely to occur in cyberspace, not in physical space.

The Soleimani strike is a harbinger in other ways. Historically, targeted killing has been rare as an instrument of war because it has been so difficult technically. The last time the United States killed a major military leader of a foreign power was in World War II, when American forces shot down an airplane carrying the Japanese admiral Isoroku Yamamoto. These killings are unlikely to be so rare in the future. Because drones allow constant surveillance and can strike precise targets, states may credibly threaten so-called decapitation attacks in ways that nobody imagined possible short of all-out nuclear war.

When battlegrounds are growing invisible and leaders can be killed by airplanes without pilots, it’s fair to say that conflict is not what it used to be. The rise of cyberaggression, information warfare, autonomous weapons, and other technologies all require a thorough reevaluation of the coming era, what geopolitics will look like, and the kinds of capabilities that will give nations a strategic advantage against their competitors. Yet the United States still lacks the sort of dominant explanatory framework that can guide American policy regardless of who the president is.

It’s not for lack of trying. Many people have been grappling with how to strengthen America’s national security in an uncertain era. The far-flung outposts of these efforts range from conference rooms on Capitol Hill and offices in suburban-Virginia strip malls to hotel ballrooms and slick boardrooms in Silicon Valley. There are new Pentagon units to harness technological innovation and bipartisan national commissions on cybersecurity and artificial intelligence. (I am an expert adviser for the AI commission.) There are intelligence studies to identify baseline trends and megatrends driving the future of international-security challenges, and think-tank reports and academic workshops on the future of just about everything.

All of these initiatives are seeking to look beyond the anxieties of today to understand the threats of tomorrow. And nearly all of them start with two insights: The first is that we face a “hinge of history” moment. Emerging technologies are poised to transform societies, economies, and politics in dramatic and unprecedented ways. The second is that we need better ideas to make sense of this new world so that American interests and values can prevail.

When one of the big ideas involves calling for more big ideas, you know it’s tough out there. The technological race is challenging, but it is likely to be the easy part. It’s the ideas race—who best understands the levers and opportunities presented by technological disruption and shifts in the world’s political geography—that will determine geopolitical winners and losers. Some strategic insights provide competitive advantage; Russia recognized well before the United States did, for instance, that the rise of social media magnified the impact of information warfare.

Other strategic insights, if widely shared, become invaluable guides to democratic policy making and cooperation, enabling like-minded states to thwart repression and aggression of authoritarian regimes. How are military strategists and average American voters alike supposed to understand the world now confronting them—and decide which conflicts to undertake and how?

In unsettled moments like the current one, the cost of a conceptual mistake is high. At the end of World War II, the U.S. found itself locked in confrontation with the Soviet Union, a former ally that sought to export its own revolutionary ideology, communist economic system, and repressive governance around the world. American strategists built a foreign policy for the next half century around the strategy of containment developed by George Kennan in his famous 1947 “X” article. A career diplomat and Russia expert, Kennan believed that winning the superpower conflict required, above all, patience. The United States, he argued, should use every element of national power—including economics, diplomacy, and military force—to contain the spread of communism. Eventually, he predicted, the Soviet Union would collapse from its own weaknesses. Every president from Harry Truman to George H. W. Bush pursued containment in various ways. Not every policy worked, and some, like the Bay of Pigs invasion and the Vietnam War, failed disastrously. But Kennan was fundamentally right, and his ideas provided the North Star for Republican and Democratic presidents alike.

But when the Soviet Union imploded in 1991, policy makers were suddenly left without a conceptual blueprint for navigating global politics. In the place of containment, a gauzy optimism took hold. Major threats were considered passé: The end of history had arrived, and democracy had won. Declaring a “peace dividend,” policy makers slashed defense spending and cut the CIA’s workforce by 25 percent, hollowing out a generation just as a terrorist threat was emerging. In the post–Cold War decade, the United States focused its foreign policy on nation building, humanitarian assistance, and disaster relief. The Pentagon even created a new acronym for its operations: MOOTW, or “Military Operations Other Than War.” Nothing says strategic drift like focusing America’s warfighters on jobs other than the one they were hired and trained to do.

Today’s conceptual struggle is harder because the threats are more numerous, complex, varied, uncertain, and dynamic; because all of them are being supercharged by technological advances that will work in ways no one can fully fathom; and because two of the most widely discussed concepts so far have been force fits from a bygone era.

The notion of a new Cold War with China is all the rage. It’s a term that provides a strange sort of comfort—like seeing a long-ago friend at your college reunion—and yet no great insight. The U.S.-Soviet Cold War was driven primarily by ideology. The current competition with China is driven primarily by economics. And while the Cold War split the world into two opposing camps with almost no trade or meaningful contact between them, the key feature of today’s Sino-American rivalry isn’t division by an iron curtain but entanglement across global capital markets and supply chains.

Deterrence is another Cold War oldie-but-goodie. It sounds tough and smart, even though, in many circumstances, nobody is really sure how it could ever work. It has become a hazy, ill-formed shorthand policy that consists of “stopping bad guys from doing bad things without actually going to war, somehow.” Russian information warfare and election interference? Let’s get some deterrence for that. Iran? Maximum-pressure deterrence. Bashar al-Assad’s use of chemical weapons against his own people? Deterrence with clear red lines. China’s militarization of space? Cross-domain deterrence.

Deterrence isn’t a useless idea. But it’s not magic fairy dust, either. History shows that deterrence has only been useful under very specific conditions. In the Cold War, mutually assured destruction was very good at preventing one outcome: total nuclear war that could kill hundreds of millions of people. But nuclear deterrence did not prevent the Soviets’ other bad behavior, including invading Hungary, Czechoslovakia, and Afghanistan. The key Cold War takeaway isn’t that policy makers should use deterrence more. It’s that some things are not deterrable, no matter how much we wish them to be.

For all the talk of deterring cyberattacks, for example, the reality is that successful deterrence requires three conditions that are rarely all met in cyberspace: knowing the identity of the adversary, making clear what behavior you will not tolerate, and showing the punishment you could inflict if a Rubicon is crossed. But cyberattacks are frequently anonymous. No one knows who the bad guys are, at least not easily, so miscreants of all types can act with little fear of punishment. And there’s a reason no country conducts public cyberweapons tests or showcases its algorithms in military parades: Once a cyberweapon is revealed, it’s much easier for an adversary to take steps that render it useless, turn it against you, or both.

Using familiar ideas like the Cold War to understand new challenges is always tempting and sometimes deadly. Analogies and familiar concepts say, “Hey, it’s not so bad. We’ve been here before. Let’s consult the winning playbook.” But in a genuinely new moment, the old playbook won’t win, and policy makers won’t know it until it’s too late.

In today’s genuinely new moment, the biggest conceptual challenge is the profundity of paradox: Seemingly opposite foreign-policy dynamics exist at the same time.

Today, for instance, geography has never been more important—and less important. Sure, geography has always mattered. The Portuguese built an empire by claiming colonial territories along the maritime route Vasco da Gama discovered to reach India. But questions of who controls the physical landscape, and who lives in it, are now shaping global events in unpredictable ways and on an unprecedented scale. According to the UN, more than 70 million people were forced from their homes last year, the highest number on record. Of those, 25 million had to flee their home country, driven by violence or persecution. Separatist movements are stirring from northern Spain to the South Pacific, part of a secessionist trend that has intensified over the past century.

Meanwhile, global climate change is transforming the landscape itself. Australia is on fire, with flames already ravaging an area the size of West Virginia and choking millions of residents miles away with extreme air pollution. Experts predict that global warming will make massive fires more frequent in more places. Scientists also estimate that rising seas could threaten up to 340 million people living in low-lying coastal areas worldwide. All of these trends, along with old-fashioned territorial aggression (Russia in Ukraine, China in the South China Sea), are searing reminders that physical spaces and borders drawn across them still matter as much as they ever have.

At the same time, the virtual world has never been more global and seamless, with individuals and groups able to connect, transact, cooperate, and even wage wars across immense distances online. The percentage of the global population that is online has more than tripled since 2000. There is now Wi-Fi on Mount Everest, and Google’s parent company, Alphabet, promises to use balloons to bring the Internet to remote parts of Kenya. Facebook in 2019 drew 2.4 billion active monthly users—that’s a billion more people than the entire population of China. All of this connectivity makes it possible for Russian operatives to reach deep inside American communities and spread disinformation, influence what we believe, and tear us apart. Cyber capabilities also reportedly enabled Americans to sabotage North Korean rocket tests from thousands of miles away. Artificial intelligence is compressing time and distance—making it possible for information analysis and military decisions to move at machine speed. Even the borders between war and peace, combatant and civilian, are becoming increasingly blurred in cyberspace. In the old days, military mobilization took months and involved large logistics operations with heavy equipment that was hard to hide. In cyberspace, mobilization is literally at your fingertips.

In a related paradox, the United States is simultaneously the most powerful country in cyberspace and the most vulnerable country in cyberspace. This, too, is new. In the military’s traditional domains—air, land, and sea—countries with more capabilities were typically more powerful. Want to know who will “own the skies” in a conflict? The answer is easy: the side with better aircraft and air defenses. The Pentagon likes to talk about domain “dominance” because the term used to mean something. But it doesn’t in cyberspace. In the virtual world, power and vulnerability are inextricably linked.

As my Stanford cyber colleague Herb Lin has noted, connectivity is an important measure of strength and influence. From enterprise computing to industrial-control systems to the Fitbits on our wrists and video doorbells in our homes, information-technology-based systems are crucial for exploiting information to achieve greater efficiency, coordination, communication, and commerce.

But greater connectivity inescapably leads to greater vulnerability. The internet puts bad guys in distant locales just milliseconds away from the front door of a nation’s important information systems, such as those at power plants and major corporations. And as Lin notes, the more sophisticated our computer systems are, the more insecure they inevitably become. Increasing the functionality of any system increases the complexity of its design and implementation—and complexity is widely recognized as the enemy of security. “The reason is simple,” he told me. “A more complex system will inevitably have more security flaws that an adversary can exploit, and the adversary can take as long as is necessary to find them.”

Beyond recognizing the fact that seemingly paradoxical dynamics can exist at the same time—that digital technology multiplies America’s power and weaknesses; that physical geography is irrelevant and more laden with peril than ever—I don’t have a unified working theory for global affairs. That one has yet to develop is not surprising. But the effort is essential.

Containment and deterrence were bold and counterintuitive ideas when they were first formulated. Theorists of the mid-20th century, such as Kennan and Thomas Schelling, who articulated the theory of deterrence, started with one essential advantage: The atom bomb made it viscerally, horrifically clear just how much the coming world would be different from the past. It also drove home the point that the go-to ideas of yesteryear would not be up to the task of guiding American foreign policy in a new age. That point is no less urgent now.

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