#i dont have any question ideas myself and i want to extend the opportunity

[bread--quest]

oh hey btw mark z. danielewski the author of house of leaves is coming to my school in a week or two and we get to ask him questions so like if you have any questions for him let me know and i'll try to convey them to him for you like a spirit medium

[fuckitup-in-style]

JULIE AND THE PHANTOMS!

Hey guys, so I just finished watching JATP and I am absolutely obsessed with it! The songs, the characters, the plot - it’s just beautiful how the creators have brought to life this light, whimsical but also very heartfelt and warm show and I am so glad to see the wonderful reception from the fandom here on Tumblr and other social media outlets because the more reception, the more likely the show will come back for season 2 - which, I think we can all agree is something we all want to see (OH, and the TOURRRR)

But I couldn’t help but notice that there is some budding tension in the fandom concerning the controversy over shipping the characters Julie Molina and Luke Patterson, which I have noticed makes a lot of people uncomfortable (and I understand).

But I got some red flags when I saw words like predatory and sickening were labelled to the ship, and specifically to Luke as a character (and the casting team). I also noticed people attacking others for shipping Luke and Julie and I felt like I needed to say something.

So, as you probably can tell, I ship Juke or Jukebox as some people have started to call them (which I think is really cute). I only ship Juke, I do not under any circumstances ship the actors because 1) I dont ship actors as a principal because too many times have actors and the relationships they have held with others in their life been damaged because of people taking the chemistry they demonstrate with their onscreen relationship out of context 2) Maddy is underaged and I don’t ship child actors at all especially with 3) their co-actors, especially if they’re over 18 like Charlie is because 4) they have a very controversial age gap.

Now that I have gotten that out of the road, I was to explain why I ship Juke - and I can’t believe I feel so anxious about defending myself for wanting to see the relationship/friendship explored with Julie and Luke over the seasons but I understand. 

1. The characters themselves are 2 years apart. It’s an interracial relationship and I love the representation with Juke as well as with Willex. Maddy has promoted and publicly shipped the idea of Julie and Luke as a couple on social media and I think that if she was okay with it, than it shouldn’t be a problem (we’re the same age and i could see how, as a actress who would have the emotional and mental capacity to consent to acting out romantic scenes, it would be ok - keep in mind, it is a G-PG teens show so it would be limited to kissing. Wishing for anything beyond that to be presented as canon is wrong and I can admit that without any shame or regret). Julie canonically has a crush on Luke and Luke has canonically confirmed strong feelings/ chemistry with and for Julie. I love seeing this demonstrated when they are singing, songwritng, performing and dancing and even during really soft or playful moments like Unsaid Emily and Edge of Great and would like to see more of these really powerful moments between the two characters as the show progresses.

2. Be that as it may, I don’t want the characters to get together in the second season. I still believe that this show is primarily about Julie and the Phantoms, a band of friends consisting of a girl rediscovering her love and passion for music and continuing to do what she loves in her mom’s memory and three boys who died before they could make their dreams come true. The Orpheum was their first step to becoming legends and I don’t believe that’s over yet.

3. I also love the idea that Charlie and Maddy both have implied that they want Luke and Julie to build a strong, formidable friendship in the show before they even consider acting on any romantic notions and I support this and would look forward to seeing it! It would be great to see how their friendship, and she friendship she has with Alex and Reggie, grows and evolves over the show. Some people might argue that this will be boring and would slow the seemingly fast progress of the bond that has been shaped but I don’t think so.

There is so many subplots for the show to explore based off of what the show creators gave us in season 1:

- The obvious, Caleb possessing Nick. I have seen the Juke shippers jump right onto this one and saying how Caleb (as Nick) trying to get closer and make moves on Julie would make Luke jealous but I think we have seen a bit of that already from when Luke first interacted (kinda) with Nick when he and Julie were talking by the lockers. I think that the Caleb subplot would not only be a good idea to show how Luke will be conflicted with how he feels about it, but it would also show how Julie might be conflicted with her own feelings if she sees Nick presenting a different attitude. As to Caleb’s true motives, this presents the opportunity for some advenutre kind tropes where Julie and the Phantoms have to stop Caleb and save Nick from possession. Both Caleb and Nick have demonstrated an affintiy for performing (Nick with guitar and Caleb with singing) so that will be interesting to see. Also Willie is still under Caleb’s thumb so that will cause some angst and tension between himself and Alex.

- Willie and Alex’s relationship has a chance to develop. The last time they saw each other, Willie thought that Alex was crossing over so I think it will be super cute to see their reunion. (Boo Boo Stewart is a cutie) so I’m interested in seeing him and the Phantoms interact. Also - I kind of want to see him and Julie meet. I want to see if Julie’s ability to see ghosts extends to all ghosts or just the boys (this can relate back to the Phantoms connection to her mother and that can be explored).

- I want Reggie and Alex’s backgrounds to be developed and explored with music and with their friends. They didnt get much bonding moments with her and I want to see their friendship with Julie grow like Julie and Alex talking about relationships and Willie and Julie and Reggie talking about how he sees Ray as a father figure and how this might relate back to his own family history. 

- Carlos knows about the boys being ghosts and I want to see how that will play into everything. I know that Reggie has shown to be playful and indulgent in his ‘Ghost Hunting’ hobby so maybe they can have some fun playing pranks on Aunt Victoria. 

- I want to see Flynn’s character become more involved in the Phantoms and helping Julie reach her dreams but I also want Flynn’s dreams to be introduced and to be explored because she is such a fun and relatable character - and her and Julie’s friendship is pure - and she deserves to have a storyline independent of that or dominant and explored.

- I want more flashbacks too of Carrie and Julie’s friendship, of the boys when they were still alive, of Julie’s mom and how her connection with Sunset Curve was forged. I just think that would be super cool to see.

- Bobby has now seen the boys perform with Julie, finally achieving their dream performance at the Orpheum so I wonder how that will go on. I want to see the boys confront him and I want to see like some real shit going down on why and how he could cheat them out of their music. They were his friends and they died and he stole their dreams, their musics, their very souls laid bare on paper and I feel like that’s some good angst.

- Like I said before, it’s a show about Julie and the Phantoms and they want to make it big. After the Orpheum, it will be interesting to see them go on to play at other venues, tackle getting involved in the music industry and making more songs. I WANT MORE SONGSSS BRUH.

- Guys, if Julie and the Phantoms are going to become stars sometime in the show, they’ll be pretty famous. Like maybe they’re going to be on TV and they’re supposed to be dead and what happens if Luke’s parents see him like Bobby did? WHat will ahppen then?!

- As for romantic relationships (besides Juke and Willex) I want to see Reggie have a love interest or maybe even come out as Bi. That would be so cool! As a fellow bisexual, I think that would demonstrate a lot of representation to not only have a openly gay character (maybe two bec Willie’s sexuality hasn’t been confirmed yet but fingers crossed) but also a bi character. Maybe another ghost ? I want to see more ghosttss.

As for how I want Julie and Luke’s relationships to be explored:

- MORE MUSICCCCCC (because I feel the safetest bet right now considering, I feel everyone agrees that their music chemistry is A+ and gives their performances some fire😉)

- Some shenanagins with them and the rest of the Phantoms (+ Flynn) like them being actual teenagers (the boys were 17 when they died and I think that’s pretty sad as a 17 year old) and showing up at school and Alex dancing with Carrie when she throws Dirty Candy performances. I think it would be funny if the two of them ever met.

- Luke making fun of Nick (jealoussyyy) and him and Julie bickering like they always do. Maybe Flynn and the boys making fun of them both. Flynn will definently want to protect her friend after seeing what a wreck she was before the performance when she thought the boys might have crossed over or gotten destroyed by Caleb’s curse, so she might convince Julie to keep her distance like in ‘Edge of Great’. Alex and Reggie will make fun of Luke def. No questions. It’s what they do best but they love each other.

- Guys, they can’t just ignore Perfect Harmony like - come on. Like, if Luke goes snooping inside Julie’s dream box (because, let’s face it, it’s sitting right there and it’s full of LYRICS people and he loves MUSIC and he loves JULIE’S MUSIC and - yeah, come on.) I also think it would be funny to see more of Julie saying Luke’s name by accident or daydreaming because I thought - ACTUAL TEENAGE GIRL REPRESENTATION!

- More fighting because her and Luke have such strong, dominant personalities and I can see them clashing in the future over the direction they want the band to go in and, more or less, petty teenage stuff.

- Possibly being more diverse with their style of music like in Perfect Harmony and Unsaid Emily. Maybe exploring some really deep and emotional lyrics and changing it up with their performance (although, don’t get me wrong, I LOVE THAT BIT WHERE JULIE DOES THAT HIGH NOTE AT THE START OF THE SONG AND THAN THE BOYS JUST ROCK IN LIKE LEGENDS AND - ) but yeah, I want to cry again like I did in Unsaid Emily so. 

Anyway, feel free to add what you guys most look forward to but the whole point of this was I want this fandom to be a fun, free and safe environment. So don’t ship actors, I don’t support sexualizing child actors and don’t expect Luke or Julie’s relationship to go past the soft, chaste, fluffy kisses you see at 16/17 because it is a kids show and once again because Maddy is underage and her and Charlie’s age gap is controversial. But shipping Juke isn’t predatory because Luke isn’t a predator, the character is 17, 1-2 years older than Julie. It’s a kids show and it’s very tender, very pure and very sweet. We have seen nothing to contradict this so don’t make it something it’s not.

Anyway that’s my two cents so don’t @ me to yell at me, okay?

[kissmejuyeon]

hey Sara! 🌸🐇

this might be a personal or difficult question, so if you don't want to reply, that's totally fine!! 💕

i went to a school where i was lowkey taught that uni is the only option after graduation, that anything else isn't as "good" and we weren't even taught abt anything other than uni either. no one ever mentioned apprenticeships or voluntary years, let alone spoke positively of them. it honestly installed in me this fear of being seen as lesser if i don't go to uni and now it's been almost 4 years since my graduation and I'm still struggling with the inferiority feeling of not feeling like uni is the right place for me. i think i want to do an apprenticeship, but by now i feel almost too scared to start anything in fear of not managing.

did you deal with this kind of thing in your schooling/ upbringing as well? and how did you get over those feelings? :( if you have even the tiniest advice, id be super grateful 💙

Hey love!!! Happy new Year <3

I can totally relate to what you’re feeling!! I def had those same feelings and thoughts, and i am not gonna lie, it took me a while to figure out what i want to do, and how i stopped focusing on what other wanted of me. but i’m going to try to explain my thoughts, so please bare with me.

i had to put this in “keep reading” cause i word vomited lmao

I was lucky that i grew up in a family that always thought me, that i do everything in life for myself. I should always focus on what I want to do. BUT, i had extended family and a few friends that always talked about uni and doing something in life that is “not working in retail” (just an example) All they “wanted” me to do is make money. 

My dad never finished high school and my mom started two apprenticeships that she never finished. I always knew i wanted to do more than what my parents did. And i don’t mean it a mean or bad way. (i hope you know what i mean) 

i was a “gifted” kid in school, and good grades came easy to me, until i finished 10th grade and i started my A-level. Then i hit rock bottom. I actually never planed to do my A-level, but i had no idea what to do with my life in year 10, so i decided to go to school for 3 more years, so i have a little more time to figure stuff out. (Spoiler: i didn’t) When i decided to do my A-level (In germany you need it to even go to uni) i thought uhMm maybe i should go to uni because many people around me where starting to talk about it and made me feel that my decision of never going to uni was me planing on becoming “nothing”. Which is totally stupid. Not going to uni does NOT mean you’ll never become anything!

by the i finished my A-level, which i barely passed, i still had no idea of what i wanted to. the only thing i knew was, that i wanted to do something that brings me happiness and joy! And the only time i found happiness and joy was in books (and one direction lmao). So i started to think about the idea, that i could start working in a bookstore. But at that time, my friends already started Uni (med school, law etc.) and others went to go abroad to study. And i felt like i was worth less. But i also knew that going to uni would only further the descend of my mental health. So i really focused on working in a bookstore and do an apprenticeship as a bookseller. 

Through a friend i got the opportunity of working in a bookstore (I applied before but i was sadly rejected). After the first day of work, i knew, this is what i wanted to do with my life. My mom always pushed me into applying for apprenticeships that i didnt wanna do, which i told her i didnt want, but it only caused many fights between us. but tbh ... i didnt care. i wanted to do what i wanted to do! So i focused on my carreer in the bokstore. i stopped focusing on what other people want to do in their lives, but rather focus on what I want to do. 

so i worked at the bookstore for 2 years, then started my apprenticeship, then i worked for 4 months as a bookseller and now i’m the deputy manager of the store that i did my apprenticeship at. now i know i only got to this place and position because i stopped focusing on what other people wanted.

end of my biography but i feel like it needed to explain this to validate my points lmao

and heres what i can tell you, do what you want to do!!! if you dont want to go to uni, do not go. is there something that brings you joy? clothes? books? try working with something that you like, and figure out what you wanna do that way.

Other people think they help you when they try to push uni, grad school etc. into your life, cause they think that whats best for you. but you are the only one who knows whats best for you!

in bookseller school, half my class was people who dropped out of uni to start working. not going to uni or dropping out of uni doesnt make you any less amazing or capable of reaching your dreams. 

the sad thing is, we need money to survive in this world, so you need to make money one way or another. and people always promote the narrative of figuring out what you want to do immediately. which is fuckign bullocks. you can start over and over again of you need to. if you start a job but after a few months you realize, its something you dont want to do, quit and find another job. Starting over and trying out jobs is nothing bad! 

but i think the first step you need to to, is to realize that what you do in life, is for you and only you!!! 

[letsdiscoverkitty]

CPA update (30th August 2019)

I did not plan to write this this evening but I needed to get this out somewhere.

I know I haven’t been very present online and I can only apologise for that but as you can imagine things have been quite challenging since being admitted. I had my first CPA so I thought I would make a little post to help me begin to process it/get some thoughts down....(warning: very long post ahead, snacks may be necessary, and I am sorry if it does not read well/make much sense, I literally just typed my heart out)

For those who are not sure of what one is, a CPA is basically a care plan review where your treatment team review the past few weeks/months (time since the last review) and then start to plan the next stages of your care. It is a chance for different members of your treatment to meet and make sure that everyone is on the same page. Today my CPA consisted of my consultant, one of the nursing staff from the ward, the OP ED nurse I was seeing before I came in, myself and my parents. The first half of the review was just between professionals, I was then called into the room for a discussion followed by my parents nearer the end.

It is hard to remember what I have shared online so I am sorry if some of the things I mention do not make sense but I will try to cover most of what happened. I had my ward round on Thursday (due to the bank holiday weekend just gone), in which a lot of new ideas were brought to the table as, well, no one really knows what to do with me… A week or so ago I wrote a letter to my consultant as I was beginning to worry about what the plan was for when I was discharged (as it was being implied that I was to be discharged over the next few weeks)/that my community team were not replying to any messages and that I was concerned about going back home to live at my parents house.

My main worries with returning home were mainly because it is a place where I have been unwell for many years and I find that when I go back there it is almost like anorexia snaps back without me realising it/I can’t control it. Sadly due to being unwell at home for years, I do associate home with bad things, I also do not currently have no goals or things to be working towards (i.e. I have no education to go back to, no job lined up or thought about to go back to) and the worry is that I would be going back home to just anorexia and relapsing backwards. Throw into the mix that my mum retired last week, as well as the family dynamics always being quite rocky (along with being geographically being incredibly socially isolated), I think it is fair to say that I was extremely worried about the prospect of home leave let alone moving back home permanently and with very limited outpatient support.

A long story short, my consultant agrees that going back home is likely not going to help me move on/recover/give me a chance of living a life beyond this, however she also does not believe that staying in an acute EDU will help (which I do understand). In terms of why she thinks that being on the unit for longer might not help include that my weight has not been reaching the targets that are expected, I am struggling on leave/when I get given more control, as well as the usual pitfalls of being on an EDU like being trapped around a lot of other acutely unwell people, having the identity reinforced and the lack of responsibility/it not necessarily coming from me. I floated the idea of going to live in Reading with Andi however she shot me down straight away at that stage saying that I was far too unwell for that…

Anyway, to get to the point, she wants to apply for funding for me to go into residential treatment. This is not something that I know much about, although I do know that getting funding for a place is very very hard and that there are very few places that offer it in the country….from what she explained to me it is a more holistic approach, with the focus on helping you build a life beyond anorexia whilst also supporting you nutritionally. (it sounds far too fairytale-esque for my liking…)She said that as I have had a lot of psychological input and have been under services with very few gaps over the years, that it was obvious that a new approach was needed and that this style might be that. Apparently I have incredible insight/understanding however because the anorexic neural pathways/cognitions have become so strong and rigid, I find it near impossible to force myself to follow through with the theory that I know so well.

I honestly have no idea how I feel right now. I am utterly lost and confused and don’t really know what to do with myself. I feel like no one knows what to do with me/what will help and they are just trying to get rid of me. I want to recover, I really do.  My consultant said that it is not that I don’t want to or don’t have motivation, but that it is the degree of severity of the illness and the complexity of my case, which kind of helped but also left me feeling very broken and hopeless.

She tried to explain all of this to my parents today and I am actually relieved that she was able to speak to them about it as there is no way that I would have been able to approach the subject. She explained it in scientific terms and tried to be realistic about the whole process (which could likely take months to apply for funding, let alone get on the waiting list/pass assessments).

My OP team are apparently supportive of this and are going to work together with the IP team, my consultant and the therapist I was seeing as an OP to put together a proposal for the CCG. Sadly, as I have mentioned this is going to be quite a lengthy process and I don’t really know where it leaves me…If this were not being explored then I would be getting discharged to the same very minimal support that I have had over the past x years, which has not been enough in the past.

So what now? Good question. Basically I have been told that I have to “prove” to the CCG that I am not just in need of an acute EDU admission and that the funding would not be going to waste…this means that I have to show that I can maintain my weight in the community (or gain if possible) as if I were to relapse they would likely just say that I need an acute admission and refuse the funding, leaving me back at square one.

This admission was never going to be a long one, I knew that, but part of me was hoping for a bit longer…I suppose it has brought to the surface the necessity for a different approach to be explored, which I hope means something. Basically my admission can’t be extended, that has been made clear, and I now have a discharge date for two weeks time…with little to no idea of time length beyond that in regards to this talk of residential.

I honestly don’t know what to think or how to feel right now, I really don’t. Part of me thinks that they are making a big fuss over nothing and that there is no way that I will get funding as there are so many people out there with far worse scenarios than mine who need it more. At least I have a home to go to, I know there are many people who dont, so I should really just suck it up and try and do what I can at home with the support that I have.

I have no idea what the residential would entail practically but I am worried that it could end up feeding into my eating disorder even more? I know the reason for the admission would be to help me build a life beyond anorexia, but surely being stuck in a place like that almost reinforces that identity? I dont know, I am very confused about everything right now :(

Short term plan: I have an appointment set up with the ED nurse I am to see in the community for Monday morning and have been given a bit of extra leave this weekend to make it possible for me to attend. When I return to the ward on Monday afternoon I will be moving onto transition and have been promised that I will have a number of appointments with the dietitian over my last two weeks in order to create a realistic maintenance plan for when I go home (as well as trying to get my mum to attend an appointment with the two of us). I am also trying to get an appointment for my mum to come to a family therapy session (they have pretty much written off my dad as someone who can be supportive for a number of reasons which I do not want to go into right now) Being on transition hopefully will give me a bit of an opportunity to self-cater some meals and practice before I move back home for the foreseeable future.

It all feels very rushed and uncertain and I was not expecting to get this much leave this weekend so don’t really know what to do with myself but yeah I suppose this is where things are at. The ward has been quite a tricky environment so on the one hand I am glad to have some space, however Im also worried about it too.

I am sorry, I realise that this whole post probably comes across as extremely selfish and stupid - I wish I could shake myself/pull myself together and just do what I know I need to do but whywhywhy do I keep ending up back in the same place time and time again? I have tried so bloody hard over the past x years but it has never been enough….I do not want to end up being sent to a unit where I will spend months/my consultant briefly mentioned that admissions are usually between 1 and 2 years long…I really dont. but I dont know what else to do with myself when so many options have been explored. I am tired of it all, of everything. It is like I dont know where to turn anymore. Part of me feels like I am just getting palmed off from place to the next because no body knows what to do with me. sigh. I am sorry for throwing this pity party. I wish I had some more positive news to share with you all. I suppose yes I have made some progress since I was admitted. I have gained weight. I am no longer in as much danger as I was. I have had to face a lot of changes in terms of routines, eating different foods, times, I can think a little clearer, I have more concentration etc. Things are just very hard at the moment and having everything in terms of my treatment thrown up in the air like this has made me feel even more unsettled and uncertain about everything. I have no idea what the next few weeks/months may hold so for now I am going to have to continue to take each day as it comes and see where it takes me. Sorry again for the ridiculous  length of this post, you genuinely deserve a gold medal if you have stuck with me through this.

[moldypieceoflasagna]

36 questions that nobody asked me

(except @lollipoppedchainsaw )

(the 36 questions that lead to love or whatever) https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

I hate going out to dinner so much i probably wouldnt be able to enjoy it properly

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

It would be interesting to see what it’s like for a short period of time, but i’d never be able to keep it up; i’d probably have an identity crisis

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

yes i have to mentally prepare myself 100% of the time

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

hanging out with the people i love is enough to keep me happy for a good while tbh. sitting around doing nothing literally nothing with them is endlessly entertaining to me even though sometimes i might make that hard to believe 

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

i sing to myself a lot, not so much to others- although i AM a slut for karaoke

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

body because i feel thats probably what old people complain about most. plus like,, 90 years of life knowledge? sounds great to me

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

probably an accident that’s almost statistically impossible

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

single rn (ladies) but i usually try to find friends with similar music tastes because scream-singing in the car is the most fun one can have

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

im most grateful for my dogs and for my friends! i love them and it means the world to me to have people that i can call family. also i would die without my dog juno, she is my rock (and my therapist)

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Not rly how i was raised, but i wish i had a closer relationship with my older siblings. Three of them had moved out before i was rly old enough to not be an asshole child, so most of them still see me as an asshole child and they never take me seriously. im glad i have an alright relationship with them, but that’s kinda all it is and i know i could do better

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

Lived in Texas my whole life yeehaw. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters; 2 of them dont like me, and my relationship with the other 2 is,, certainly not bad. Had a lot of physical and mental illness in the past, but 20gayteen is definitely my year, yeet

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

either speaking a different language or playing the piano. im very jealous of good piano players, and at some point i need to be able to speak a more useful language than french because so far in texas it’s proved absolutely useless (other than talking to my mom but that doesnt count)

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

I’d wanna know wtf im supposed to do with my life because sweaty i still have no idea. passion? dont know her please introduce me

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

i wanna go skydiving bitch, no one wants to go with me! pussies!!! the lot of you

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

that one time i did an entire semester’s worth of work in the last three days of the school year

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

being able to put up with my huge fucking mouth. also honesty is super important, even if it’ll make me feel shitty

17. What is your most treasured memory?

when i went camping with a bunch of friends and they were bitter i got to be in the middle of the tent because they were all cold. either that or the time i was getting really bad sleep paralysis and @lonelywaterfall & @skity stayed over so my paranoia didnt render me completely useless,,, also the paramore concert lol ive never been more vulnerable in my life.

18. What is your most terrible memory?

coming out to my mom haha

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

i’d go on a trip around the world to explore/to see a few people, and i’d put extra effort into my gender expression

20. What does friendship mean to you?

comfortable silence is my kink. also emotional vulnerability and SAD BOY HOURS we cant forget those

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

I’m such a slut for physical affection yall have no idea please hug me as much as possible and play with my hair or my hands

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

i guess ill do the same with previous partners so.. i think being funny is probably the #1 thing i appreciate in someone. when you make me laugh so hard i cry, just know that’s like. peak. also stubbornness is strangely attractive to me, plus like,,, uh having an unexpected soft side? an appreciation of art is super important, too. also SPOON VERSATILITY.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

it was probably happier than a lot of people’s but there wasnt much to it. plus being the youngest in my ENTIRE family really sucked during my childhood because everyone picked on me and i think that’s probably what started a lot of my issues lol

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

better than it could be, but definitely not what i want it to be. we both love each other and i admire her work ethic, but she gave me a lot of anxiety problems (both genetically and not) and she isnt the most understanding person. i have hope though, people change

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …

I’m hungry and sitting alone in front of my computer feeling like OVERSHARING ON THIS BEAUTIFUL THURSDAY MORNING, BOYS

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share …

many, MANY animals and a lighthouse in the middle of nowhere

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

I’m REALLY insecure about my body xd

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

LOVE feeling safe. 

29. Share an embarrassing moment in your life.

probably every time that i’ve ever worn a dress, because i really,, really dont like wearing dresses and that’s it

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

last cried by myself this morning and last cried in front of another person at my friend’s birthday party

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

no partner but if youre reading this im rly proud of ur attention span. gj buddy

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

i think most things can be joked about after a certain amount of time, but like,, it has to actually be funny and it has to come from someone i know isnt serious about it. if a joke is made just for the purpose of being offensive and edgy, it’s never funny no tea just truth. 

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

i’d regret not spending enough time with people that i love, not traveling as much as i should have, and also i’d regret not formally coming out of the closet to my family (they probably already been done knew but like. yknow). i came out to myself & the people closest to me a LONG ass time ago, but i’ve kinda seen what it did to my immediate family so im not too excited to do that to my extended family. if i’m not too much of a pussy, ill probably do it in the summer when i see them next, bc ive been meaning to for a while.

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

is it bad of me to say my computer? i feel like everyone else has a much more meaningful answer lol. it would probably either be that or the papers i keep on my bulletin board, bc most of them hold a lot of sentimental value (also my prescriptions  would be a pain to get copies of)

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

either of my parents because i dont want them dying before i reach the point where i can expect them to be happy for me when i marry a girl

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

personal problems? what’re those lmfao dont have any srry try me again later

 i’m too much of a pussy to tag certain people so if you see this and I've had any sort of conversation with you, do it coward

(also @skity  @drawinintherain )

[subdivisi0ns]

tagged by the lovely @britneyshakespeare to answer these 10 questions & come up with 10 of my own. thank you !! 💗

psa i wrote way too much please don’t read this. just skip to the questions at the end if i tagged you

1. What are 3 songs that mean something to you, and what do they mean?

that’s hard because i don’t usually find personal meanings in songs. i’m a lot more interested in what the song means to the artist who wrote it. but let’s see if i can think of some

-um. after all by david bowie was always Highly Relatable. like. prattling on & on waxing philosophical only to suddenly realize everything i said is wrong and don’t hate me and also now i’m having an existential crisis and i shouldn’t have started talking in the first place? M e

-when i was first getting into rush i was a big fan of Self Isolating To Cope and also i had no friends and was proud of it (bc if i couldn’t find a way to take pride in my [perceivedly] unchangeable flaws my entire self image would come crashing to the ground and that just wasn’t a good time . anyway). so the lines “nothing can survive in a vacuum / no one can exist all alone” from turn the page pissed me off. but now! now i have loads of friends and i feel legitimately cared about and i feel like i can comfortably reciprocate that and now when i hear that song i think you know what neil? you’re goddamn right.

-uh i s’pose i relate to another brick in the wall pt 3 which is not a good thing but. i dunno i really love being angrily in denial of needing any help whatsoever along to this song. it’s my flaw-pride anthem (don’t worry i don’t take it literally. it’s just fun in the moment)

-shit i know this said three but the one person who i relate to EVERY FUCKING SONG he’s ever put out is bill wurtz. never have i felt so understood than when i listen to bill wurtz’s music. god it’s the most uncanny feeling, i really really understand it a lot

ok i have to stop thinking of more . turns out a lot have meaning to me ive spent like an hour on this question alone Moving On

2. What’s your ideal self like?

. this was The Worst question to ask me because i can and will ramble on for hours given the opportunity

well i’d be able to execute my ideas, for one. instead of just having a half-baked - quarter-baked - fleeting concept with no real idea of how to achieve it. more specifically i want to be able to write songs. more more specifically i want to be able to write the music aspect of songs. i can’t do it. i dont fuckin know why i just can’t. but if i could i think i just might be content with life.

but that doesn’t mean there aren’t still things to improve. i wish i was funnier. i like my weird brand of humor/abstractity online but that’s hard to replicate in real life. i wish i was better at thinking on the spot. i wish my memory didn’t only retain stuff when it feels like it. i wish i was better at putting my thoughts into words, more concisely and accurately and effectively.

um i wish i didnt have executive function issues. like i wanna just do stuff and not have it take all the energy out of me. wish i had the energy to do it to begin with. wish i could keep up with socializing and not ignore people for hours/days because i can’t get myself to maintain conversation.

ok clearly this is leading down an endless tunnel of what i’d change so . i’ll just say my ideal self is a successful musician with a good social life but also an element of mystery and intrigue. my ideal self is just david bowie

3. Who, of all your family members (immediate or extended), do you think has had the most influence on you, for better or for worse?

my mom for a lot (a looooooot) of reasons but if i go into it this is gonna push it over the line from a tag game into a therapy session (if i havent crossed that line already)

4. What’s your main outlet of expression?

writing. journalling. fuckin , social media. actually yeah that more than anything. my Self is on display here if you look at my tumblr(s) my twitter(s) and my instagram(s) you’ve got a pretty goddamn decent picture of who i am

5. What was the first album you ever bought for yourself?

uh i mean i listen to most stuff off of youtube if i don’t already have it so like,,? i dunno. does itunes count? the first vinyl i ever got was wish you were here (for forty fuckin bucks god) but i paid with my aunt’s money so does that even count. i don’t know.

6. Do you like to go shopping?

depends on a lot of things. lately i’ve been in the mood to just get out of the damn house whenever possible (love being a high school dropout !) so the answer is pretty much yes anytime. but it really depends.

7. Kind of cliche but, if you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would you pick?

i wanna be the fourth person at the dinner with rush table. just to observe. i’d be terrified to actually have a conversation with any of my idols. okay but if i had to get over that fear i guess i’d pick..... bowie? todd? i don’t know this is hard. alex lifeson circa 197something so he can take me back to his place afterwards you pickin up what im puttin down

8. What TV show do you watch when you’re feeling stressed or low and you need a quick feel-better fix?

i don’t watch tv like ever not even in this case but i guess full house

9. What was the last intriguing conversation you had about?

everything my girlfriend said to me today (edit: yesterday but i did this last night) was great everything my girlfriend’s ever said to me was great

oh that didn’t answer the question at all i just realized. uh they were telling me about the star wars prequels (which i have not seen) and earlier we were having a very analytical conversation about a particularly interesting rush photo

also me & @swanky-trash were discussing our plans to take down trump and all the rest of those bastards while wearing jareth from labyrinth costumes and eating mushrooms. because it’s our destiny as clones separated at birth. yknow just life stuff

10. What’s something about yourself that you don’t think comes across as painfully obvious online, but is, in fact, in person?

shit are we at the end already? damn. i was enjoying this (can you tell).

okay here’s another one i could go on for 12 years about. but uh. i probably come across as way more perky irl? like my voice is all high pitched and i talk really fast and smile and laugh at everything and i have a whatever the opposite of monotone is voice. i don’t like that. i try to combat it online with the all-lowercase typing and shortening of words and omission of punctuation and that sort of thing. i think it’s worked. also i may be terrible at typing but i am WAY worse at speaking. i’m scatterbrained as hell and if i seem at all interesting or witty online that all goes to shit irl. also i can’t fucking talk to people who i only know in person? it just doesn’t work. thank god i have you guys

haaaa okay sorry for the rambling here are the questions

1. what’s the best day/one of the best days you’ve ever had?

2. how important is your social media presence to you?

3. what achievement are you proudest of?

4. describe your sense of humor.

5. is there anything you’re good at or like to do that people who don’t know you well probably wouldn’t expect?

6. what’s your most interesting family story?

7. favorite color palette?

8. what’s something that would be very “out of character” for you to do?

9. yknow that thing on twitter that’s like “pick 1 & rt for good luck” and the options are good grades, meet your idol, money, or crush texts you? which one would/did you pick and why?

10. what’s a song you either wish you’d written or feel like you could’ve written?

i tag @thetemplesofrush @thumbnailoak3 @swanky-trash @lavender-layne @realalexlifeson @davies-jones @goallines-and-musicrhymes @fruitthemed @graveyarding @cosmikdebris99 and anyone else who wants to do it and dont feel pressured to do it etc etc god i hope none of you actually read this whole thing i am so sorry

[codezeta-liveblog-blog]

Bonds 1.4 - Living in a Chaotic Metaphor

I finished toweling myself dry and wrapped the towel around my waist before I opened the shower curtain.  I used my fingers to comb my damp hair away from my face before approaching the mirror.

I could see Rose’s reflection, her hair pressed flat where the back of her head pressed against the other side of the mirror, looking the other way.  The mirror in the upstairs bathroom was a part of the pedestal sink, surrounded by florets.

It was an uncomfortable setting, with unfamiliar things in unfamiliar places.  Having someone, something like Rose nearby.  Strange smells and tastes, with even the water having a taste to it.  It was drawn from a local well, according to Rose. I had been forced to use the only shampoo available, and the smell of it was thick and cloying in the humid air of the bathroom.

Ahh, the good ol’ smell of dead grandma shampoo. I’ve never tried water from a well before, I did have an opportunity once to drink some from a water spring as the water came out from multiple little holes in the ground, at the top of a hill, deliciously fresh. I’d later find out that it was one of the springs that originated the Tietê River, which becomes one of the dirtiest rivers in the world as it exits the city of São Paulo.

All of this was helping me to get a sense of why Molly had been so driven to empty shelves and remove pictures from the walls.  My grandmother had a presence here, and it was a presence that felt like it could override my own.

Especially when my own presence seemed somewhat limited. When I looked in the mirror, I saw only the bathroom, and I saw Rose, her back turned.

Shout-out to the poeticness of this last paragraph. I wonder what is the psychological effect if someone nowadays being stopped from seeing their reflections forever. I'm going to keep my eyes open to see if that is even a possibility for Blake anymore.

No reflection, using different soaps and shampoo that made me smell different, no longer having the little trinkets and touches I’d surrounded myself with over the past year or two, it all made me feel less like me.

Each of those things had a flip side, seeing a reminder of our grandmother’s work in the mirror, smelling our grandmother’s lavender-scented shampoo and soap, seeing hertrinkets and small touches wherever I looked, I felt like she hadn’t quite left.  Her presence was still here.

Which it was, kind of.  We had stumbled onto one lingering threat.  The books my grandmother had written, left untouched, still waited in that study.

How deep did that particular danger run?

“Hey,” I said.  “Did you ever share scary stories with Molly and Paige?”

“A little,” Rose answered, without turning around.

“You remember the stories we told about the house?  Some made up, some real?”

“Kind of,” she said.  “We weren’t all that close.  I mean, we were the same ages, give or take a year, but we weren’t friends.”

“Really?” I asked, and there was a note of surprise in my voice that seemed to startle her.  She half-turned, caught a glimpse of me, naked but for a towel around my waist, and turned away just as quickly.

I hiked up the towel to be sure I was safe, made sure it was secure, and then said, “It’s fine.  I’m decent, and it’s not like we’re not related, right?”

“Right,” she said, but she took her time.  I caught her giving me a glance, bottom to top and back again, before she frowned a little.

Things were a lot different in her version of the family huh. Wonder if the parents have anything to do with it. Pitched the cousins against one another maybe?

“Was it that you weren’t friends after grandmother announced the whole ‘granddaughter only’ thing, or-”

“Before,” Rose said.

“Before,” I said, considering the idea.  “I considered them good friends.  We exchanged emails, we looked forward to seeing each other…”

I trailed off.  Rose was already shaking her head.  A strand of blond hair had come loose of the pin behind her head.

Sidenote: I feel like wildbow REALLY overuses blonds sometimes. I dont know if its just a local thing and I dont see enough of them, but like looking back even to the cast of Worm, a third of the characters seem to be blond.

Rose said, “I know Molly about as well as I knew Callan or Roxanne, which isn’t much at all.  Then the ‘granddaughter only’ thing came up, and that was that.  We were rivals.”

“It doesn’t upset you that she’s dead?”

“It does!” she said, “Really, it does.  But… if you told me Mrs. Niles died, I’d be about as upset. Someone who was a small, peripheral part my life is now gone.  It’s sad, it’s a reminder that we’re all very mortal, and there’s obviously a lot more going on besides that, with you as the heir for the property and me as… this.”

“But Molly doesn’t rate much higher than an elderly neighbor who you say hi to if you happen to see her,” I said.

“I’m sorry,” Rose said.  “There are nice memories, but there are bad memories too.  Over and over, stuff would come up.  If we weren’t dealing with a situation, we were reeling from the last one.  Ways to weaken me, to take me out of the running, mom and dad sort of keeping it going. It kind of soured all the rest of it.”

“Soured it?,” I said.

She gave me a funny look.  “Aunt Irene pulled strings to screw up Paige’s chances of getting into University, and she almost succeeded.  Uncle Paul went crazy, Paige went crazy, and we had four straight months where I was genuinely afraid.  My car got vandalized, and they emptied a can of orange juice concentrate under a seat. The frozen pulp you mix with two cans of water.  By the time I realized what was going on, the smell was so bad I couldn’t drive the car, and no amount of cleaning would make it any better.”

“Doesn’t sound like Paige.”

“That one was Ellie, I’m pretty sure.  She made a comment, then alluded to my brake lines, and I basically stopped driving after that.  When I think of family, that’s the first thing that comes to mind.”

Oh man, soiled citric fruits smell like vomit don’t they? And straight up implied death threats up in the family. Noice.

I couldn’t imagine giving up that independence.  We were supposed to connect as we interacted, but I could only feel the differences between us getting more pronounced.

She continued, oblivious, “Those are the memories I have, which didn’t really happen, apparently.  But they’re part of what make me me, whatever I am, and so I don’t have any lingering fondness for the extended family, real memories or fake.”

I nodded.  “I remember sharing the stories about the house, even seeking them out, so I had tidbits to share on future visits.  We’d laugh, be suitably horrified, and whatever else.  Paige and Molly had it easier, because they had siblings to tap for stories.  But it’s like… I could tell them how our great grandfather was a robber baron, kind of?”

There was no recognition on Rose’s face.

“He ruthlessly cut out the competition, scared people, beat them, stole from them, up until the day he hired a few goons to go beat someone up and they got caught.  He ran and came to Canada, where was approached by a widow, our great grandmother. Grandmother Rose’s parents.”

“I didn’t hear that one.”

“The letter she wrote us told us that bastards tend to do better as husbands in this family than the gentlemen do.  So I can’t help but think… how far back does this business with the demons and devils go?  There’s a bit of bloody history tied to this family and this house.  Was grandmother the first to go down that road, or has it been at play from the beginning?”

“I don’t know,” Rose said.  “I don’t want it to be a big thing, because our bloodline is apparently in a kind of debt, and I don’t want to be in debt to anything like that.”

Thats a good question that I think I didn't put in the right words before. How far does the debt go is kinda related to the amount of past generation that have participated in it. I'm going to assume it has been a long long time. A dozen maybe more, bur that is just based on the availability of desmenes on the house. Which is none and which I'm assuming is maybe limited by the amount of rooms? Or something like that

No longer comfortable with the topic, I bent down and rummaged in the cabinet beneath the sink for basic toiletries.  One drawer revealed a narrow can of shaving cream with a woman’s silhouette on it.  It had been there for so long it refused to budge when I tried to lift it.  Further back was a plastic packet of the cheapest disposable razors around, pink.

I opted to shave anyways, tearing the can off the bottom of the drawer.  Sure enough, the razor nicked me no less than five times.  They had been there for so long that temperature had bent the blades.

I preferred to bleed and be clean-shaven over the alternative.

Oh man I'd so rather stay a mess than be left scratching at my neck until it gets all red.

Without a reflection to go by, I had to be meticulous.

It was disconcerting to see Rose standing there, studying me, when I tried to look to see if I’d missed a spot.  I ran my hand over my face, searching for the roughness of scruff, then washed my face to get rid of the remainder.

“Bit of shaving cream at the back there,” Rose said, pointing to the nape of her neck.

I fixed it.

“Putting the more dangerous stuff aside, we should get to studying,” she said.

“Know what we’re up against,” I said, while drying my face. I tended to the small cuts, but it didn’t make much of a difference, with the cut already on my cheekbone.

“Exactly.  Having information can’t do any harm, can it?  How were you as a student?”

“Horrible,” I said.  I could see her face fall.

“But I can do this.  I have a good memory.  I struggled at school because I don’t have a lot of patience.”

“How far did you get in Essentials?”

“The introduction,” I said, preparing my toothbrush.  I’d managed some before fatigue caught up with me, and I’d napped.  I’d woken, mid-afternoon, and decided to shower to clear my head.  I didn’t function that well when I was grimy and unshaven.

“Only?  I’m nearly done,” she replied.

I looked up at her in surprise.

“Apparently I don’t sleep,” she said, and she sounded somewhat distant, even disconnected.  “I don’t get hungry.  I don’t really breathe.  I barely have a heartbeat.”

To be fair, must have been tiring to wake up in the middle of the night then run in the icy woods plus the whole stress of it all. I'm going to make a prediction that Rose is going to suffer some psychological backlash sometime because of not feeling real or connected. Pretty basic, but yeah, decided I should voice it anyways. Maybe it never happens though.

“You were up all night reading?”

“More or less.  My focus sucks right now, because I still feel drained from earlier, but I read where I could, then wandered, looked over the library, trying to get a sense of what books are there.  Or at least the books the mirror’s facing.”

I nodded, toothbrush in my mouth.  On a level, I was glad I had an excuse to stay silent.  I was bothered, that she was ahead of me, that she would likely stay ahead of me, without a need for sleep.

How could I even articulate that?  On a level, I wanted us to be on the same page, so we could cooperate, play ideas off each other.

On another level, well… All of the most foolish and brutish Others have been captured, slain, consumed, driven off, or tricked away. Recognize all Others for what they are, and know that they, by a process of elimination two thousand and six hundred years in the making, are cunning by nature, they are slave to those who are, or they were made to be cunning to better serve in their duties.  Wit is the greatest defense and the sharpest weapon, on battlefields such as these.

Essentials, chapter one, the introduction, on Others.  Laying down the ground rules, the most basic stuff we needed to know.  Others were liars.

Gotta keep that date in mind. What happened around 600 B.C? Were the Others fabricated in some way? Are they all creations? Or were they just "brought" in some way around that time?

What was Rose, if not an Other?  New enough she wasn’t bound by the old rules that forbade lying and mandated oaths, but still an Other.  Not of mortals or the mortal’s world.

“I’m glad you’re up,” she said.  “Three hours alone in this house was too much.  I don’t know how I’m going to get through a whole night. Dealing with being what I am.”

For all that time had done to heal her weariness, it had made her emotions more pronounced.

In my case… well, it would have been easier to say if any emotion was showing if I could see myself.

“I really like your tattoos,” she said.  She fumbled for words for a second, which caught me off guard. “I’m… actually envious.  I couldn’t pull that off, but it’s the sort of thing I’d get if I could.”

I looked down.  Small birds perched on tree branches, in pale grays, whites and yellows, against a backdrop of reds, in watercolor hues.  “Thank you.”

Were we similar in some respects?  In tastes?

Or was this a manipulation from a cunning  Other?  What was there to guarantee that she was really me, with one not-so-small change?

I hope that Blake finds something to trust on her more, because I'm actually really fond of her. Reminds me a lot of the couple actually good story/character arcs in the whole main Kingdom Hearts series which are Roxas', Xion's and Riku-Replica. Three VERY different tragic cases of identity crisis of """clones""". The first two being literally consumed out of existence for the main character to come back alive, since they were parts pulled of him anyways to be brainwashed into siding with The Bad Guys™, albeit believing and fighting to become their own selves all throughout, eventually pitched against one another, Xion is completely erased from people’s memories thanks to some different aspects that make her up. The latter is more of a short case of a clone being used just as a test-drive by their creator, a clone that was eventually not needed anymore. He tries to kill his original self in hopes of being able to call himself worth something, since he feels like even when he gets stronger, he is just “borrowing” the original’s capacity to get stronger, instead of being himself. Defeating him awards the player with one of my favorite bittersweet villain deaths. Enough about other franchises =P

 I left the bathroom, making my way down to the living room.

“I take it you didn’t get to chapter eight,” she said, reflected in one of the glass picture frames along the stairwell.

“No.”

“Take a look,” she said.  Or it was all she could say, before there weren’t any surfaces for her to communicate through.  I made my way into the living room, and saw her there, waiting for me, in the mirror I’d taken from the bathroom.  The book lay on the coffee table.

Essentials, chapter eight.  Dangers a practitioner faces.

I pulled on pants under the towel as I leaned over the book, reading the headings aloud.  “Being forsworn, betrayal within the coven, betrayal by familiars, covens, crusades, death, demesnes, execution, exquirere…”

“Skip ahead.”

I did, picking up the book to better flip through it.  “Lords, loss of implements, loss of sight, loss of soul…”

 First, the obvious, what the fuck are all these things.

Second, really hoping to see some cooperation and summarization by Rose here. It would really help a whole lot more than she coming up and talking about stuff in the middle of situations like I feel in my bones is going to happen at LEAST once.

“Towards the end.”

“I’m not patient enough for that.  Give me a letter?  Or, better yet, point me to the section you want to talk about?”

“W.  Witch hunters.”

I flipped through until I found it.  “‘Witch hunters are markedly different from inquisitors. Where an inquisitor is organized by an outside party, the witch hunter is in the employ of practitioners or Others. Oft used to guard a Lord’s power, maintain a balance or hunt down rogue parties.  Witch Hunters do not use faith or innocence as tools, but use gifts provided by those they serve, alongside the protections the uninitiated enjoy, as well as the ability to circumvent defenses that would ward off practitioners and Others.'”

Rose was looking at me, expectantly.

“I’m not sure I follow your line of thought.”

“I want to see if you reach the same conclusion I do,” she said.

“You’re thinking of that pair of siblings we saw.  The ones who were getting all geared up to come after us.”

“I’m less focused on them than on the path.” she said.

I thought for a minute.  “Yeah, I’m not reaching the same conclusion as you, I don’t think.”

She looked a little agitated, nervous.  “I think we can go this route.  Avoid getting into the ugliest stuff, the books on demons and whatever else.  If witch hunters and inquisitors can survive this sort of thing, maybe we can too.”

“Borrowing power instead of using it?”

She nodded, too much, too quickly.  She was talking faster.  “Kind of.  Not getting in the thick of this.  We learn what we need to learn in order to survive.  We circumvent this whole situation.”

See, I have to reread those visions already. I will do it later, no problem. I'm thinking Blake is a practitioner? But I don’t know yet if that and Others could be considered the same thing. (Here marks the end of the cellphone reading I did days before I actually posted this and finished the not-so-liveblog).

“While meeting her demands?  Getting a familiar, getting a tool, carving out a little world for ourselves? Rose, I get what you’re going for, I almost get why, but that’s not going to work.”

With that, I seemed to have upset her.

Rose leaned closer to the mirror, “Why not?  We can do it, while avoiding everything else.  We need workarounds.”

“I get that, but the most basic, number one step?  The one I’m supposed to use to awaken myself… there’s a cost associated with it.  I give up the ability to lie.  What that one guy said in the vision?  There’s always a price.  Become a Witch Hunter, and you face obligations.”

Rose was getting more into it as she argued.  “We can minimize the effect.  Follow the letter of the law, instead of the spirit.  We get a familiar, but we go with the smallest, weakest spirit possible, something small, that won’t demand anything of consequence or challenge us.  We pick an inoffensive tool.  Carve out the smallest possible piece of land for our demesnes.  That only leaves us the problem of some reading, which is a good idea anyways, and getting married.”

“And the debt?  We’re supposed to clear the debt.  How do we do that if we handicap ourselves?”

“If that’s the one problem we have, I think we can find a way around it with some research.”

No, I wouldn’t convince her that way.  Better to get to the root of this problem, first.  “Where does the witch hunting factor in?”

“We figure out how they protect themselves, and we do the same things.  They have sponsors, sources of energy and tools.  So do we.  Kind of. It’s what we inherited.”

Sounds like a real good way to get yourselves even more killed. Didn’t grandma say how many enemies you guys have around, how they won’t care if you are in or not? I say this is a bad idea, that you are already, sadly, in too deep.

 “I don’t want to shoot you down…” I started.

“You don’t need to.”

“I know what you’re feeling.  I felt a bit of it, when I saw the escape clause in the contract, if we wanted to back out of this.  That there was a way out.  Except I think this is a trap too, in a different way.”

“No, Blake.  We can do this, we just need to do it safely.”

“I don’t think this is a situation where we can do things in half measures.  We can’t be half-heir and half-witch hunter.”

“What’s the alternative?  You really want to do this?  Follow the path grandmother set before us, making infernal bargains to deal with our enemies, while somehow trying to get out of debt with whoever our ancestors got in debt with?” 

Wanting is a STRONG word. 

I stood, making my way to the kitchen.  “I’m not saying I want to deal with devils or any of that. I’m saying I don’t want to pay a price like the one we pay for ‘awakening’, if we’re not going to use what we paid for.”

She spoke to me from the toaster.  “I get a say in this, you know.”

Hahahaha. I can totally picture this being fun through the entire book.

I moved through the kitchen, looking for something easy to make foodwise.  Bonus points if it didn’t leave me feeling like crap afterward.  In the heat of the conversation, I was making more noise than necessary with the cupboards and drawers.  “You get a say, but it’s ultimately me making the decision and paying the consequences, isn’t it?”

“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m kind of attached to you, metaphysically.  You die, I’m going to be a goner too.”

“You think.  Either way, I’m the one who got injured,” I said.  “I’m the one who has stitches in my hand and a cut on my face.”

“At least you’re alive,” she retorted.

We were interrupted by a pounding series of knocks on the door. Rose turned her head so quickly that the loose strands of hair flew out to either side.

I remained where I was, staring at the door.

The knocking repeated.

“Whatever this is,” I said, “I might need help.”

She took her time responding.

A third set of knocks, harder than last two others.

“Like I said,” Rose told me, “We’re attached to each other. I’ll back you up.  Go.”

I nodded.

I grabbed a t-shirt from the backpack and pulled it on as I approached the door, stopping to peek out through the glass at the side.

Relief hit me in a wave, even in the moment my heart sank.

As the door opened, I saw two men in uniform.

One of them was very familiar.  I’d glimpsed him in the odd dream I’d seen, just before meeting Rose.

Police. 

Hm, I don’t remember seeing police there, and I just re-read those scenes. What is up here? 

The other man spoke first.  “I’m RCMP officer Pat Macguin.  This is Chief of Police Laird Behaim.”

“Hi,” I said, guarded.

“Would you give me your name, please?” Laird Behaim asked me. He had an intense gaze.  Pale blue eyes to go with very dark, straight hair, just starting to gray at the sideburns.

I’d seen him in the vision.  The man with the pocketwatch at the table with all of the blonde women. I needed a moment to get my mental footing.  I searched for a response  “Um.” 

Oh… that guy. Now question, were they all enemies or only some of them? The king with the dog seemed… reasonable-ish? But all the others seemed to be more akin to something like enemies, since most intentionally dismissed the visions. 

“It’s not a hard answer to give,” the RCMP officer said.

“I just woke up from a nap, a little bit ago,” I said. “Sorry.  I’m a little muddled.”

“Your name?” he asked.

There was no dodging the question.  “Blake Thorburn.”

Laird Demill raised his eyebrows.  “Paul’s son?  No, wait, that would be…”

“Peter.  He’s my cousin.  My dad is-”

“Bradley Thorburn, by process of elimination.  Yes.”

The RCMP gave Laird a look.

“I’m fairly familiar with his family,” Laird said.

“You’re alone, Mr. Thorburn?”

“Only person in the house,” I said.

“You’re injured,” the RCMP officer said, to me,  “A cut on your cheek?  Can I ask what happened?”

The sudden change of direction caught me off guard.  It didn’t help that this Laird guy was staring at me, studying me while the officer quizzed me.  He would be weighing my answers.

There was a danger here.  I felt a chill, and it wasn’t just the cold air from outside.

I couldn’t get arrested, or I’d get dragged out of the house, far from any protection it afforded.

But this man, here, Laird Behaim, was an enemy.  Would I be worse off if he realized I wasn’t yet ‘awakened’?

I couldn’t get caught in a lie, and I wasn’t too sure I wanted to look like I was trying to word things too carefully.

“Car broke down by the side of the highway.  I tried to take a shortcut through the woods, because I could have been hit in the highway.  Something cut me.”

“Where were you at four o’clock this morning?”

“Sleeping, I think.  I kind of woke up early, so I’m not sure.  Can I ask what this is about?”

“In a minute.  Can anyone or anything confirm your location?”

“Joel Monte, my landlord and friend.  I woke him up to borrow his car, maybe around five.  He’s going to be upset, the car broke down and I had to leave it behind.  I haven’t even had time to think about getting a tow, if it hasn’t been towed already.”

“You said.  His number?”

I gave it.  The RCMP officer glanced at the chief of police, who walked down the stairs, phone up to his ear.

“That’s a different area code than the one in Jacob’s Bell.  You woke up early, borrowed a car from your landlord at an unholy hour, and decided to drive to another town to visit…”

Laird was nearby, in earshot.  I wasn’t sure the RCMP officer was safe, either.  “My cousin Molly inherited this place.  She isn’t here.  I’m not sure where she is.”

“You can understand where I’m a little confused about this sequence of events,” he said.  He sounded unimpressed.  ���Why?”

There was no good answer to give.  “Can I ask what this is about?”

“Answer my question, first.”  He wasn’t playing ball. 

Real question: Can a cop force you to answer questions without filling you in on the why? Where do yours and their rights being and end? I think that if you refuse you have to go get a lawyer, but I don’t know if they have to get you to the station for that. 

Damn it.  What was I supposed to say?  I didn’t have time to think.

When in doubt… honesty.

“The car broke down, and coming here seemed like it was less hassle overall.  Molly wasn’t here.  I thought I should stick around.”

All true.

“Which doesn’t explain why you were driving in the first place.”

“It sounds stupid.  I had a bad dream.  I decided to go for a drive, get away.”

He gave me a look that conveyed a whole idea.  ‘That does sound stupid‘.   But he was too polite to say it out loud.  The inconsistency of my actions, he must have thought I was on drugs. 

Idk, I’ve seen people who go out for driving instead of out for a walk when they need to think about stuff, which for me is definitely weirder since that means you are PAYING for it in a way that walking is 100% free. 

Laird returned to the porch.  The look he gave me, too calm, too casual, made me shiver.

“Landlord confirms the time,” he said.  “And a car was found on the side of the highway.”

I jammed my hands in the pockets, where the cold was starting to numb my fingers.  “If you visit the sandwich shop at the rest stop, just a little up the road from where the car was picked up, the manager and a middle aged blonde woman can confirm. She gave me a ride here.”

“We’ll check,” the RCMP officer said.

“What’s this about?” I asked.  I knew, but I wasn’t supposed to know.

“Can we step inside?” Laird asked.  “You look cold.”

“Not without a warrant,” I said.  Better to seem unfriendly and overly emotional than risk letting an enemy inside safe territory.  “What’s this about?”

The RCMP officer answered, “Molly Walker, the owner of this house, was found mauled in the woods.”

If I’d harbored any concerns about seeming too blasé, they were gone in the instant I heard those words.  “M-mauled?” 

Oh and in the woods too. Damn, so they kinda have an alibi (is that the correct term?) depending on which woods.

“Brutally attacked by a human, if the tracks are any indication,” the officer said.  “We’re not offering any particular details at this point.”

“I- uh,” I said.  I stopped, then tried to start again, but the words didn’t escape my mouth.  It didn’t help that I didn’t know what to say.

I’d known, but to hear it like this, from very human sources, minus all of the mystic crap?

“You what?” the RCMP officer asked me.

“She has family in town.  They moved to be closer to our grandmother.”

“We know.  We’ve spoken with them,” the officer said.  “They pointed us here.  We’d like to come inside and see if there’s anything that could explain the attack.”

I shook my head.  “No.”

“Irene Walker gave us permission to investigate the premises.”

Which meant letting this Laird Behaim person into the house.

“It- no.  It’s not her call,” I said.  “I’m sorry. I can give you the number of the lawyer. The way I understand it, the house would pass on to me, if Molly was dead.  It’s my property, it’s my say.  Not without a warrant.”

“This isn’t reflecting well on you, Mr. Thorburn,” the RCMP officer said.

“I know,” I said.  My mouth was dry, and my eyes were tearing up from the cold and the recent announcement.  “Yeah. I- I’m sorry.  I need time to process the news, and I’m not going to make good calls, as tired and confused as I am.  It’s better if you talk to the lawyer.”

“Mr. Beasley?” Laird asked.

“Mr. Beasley, right,” I said.

“I’m familiar with him,” he said.  When the RCMP officer looked in his direction, he said, “There’s a great deal of concern over this house, in local circles.  The town is booming with the addition of the train station and the proximity to Toronto, property prices are soaring, and the amount of good land that can be bought is somewhat limited, due to certain geographical concerns rooted in this property.  The last time I paid any attention to the money, this property was worth twenty million dollars.”

“It’s worth more now,” I said.

“I imagine.  A great many locals are very interested,” Laird said, his eyes fixed on me.  “Mr. Beasley has been handling the bulk of the disputes for the family.  I know him. With your permission, I’ll talk to him and see what we can’t figure out.”

“Please do” the RCMP officer said. 

I kinda have this type of territory around where I live, a old woman’s house that has a huge expanse that is worth millions. The lawyer isn’t getting more trustworthy as time goes on.

“I’d like to have a moment to talk to Mr. Thorburn here, if that’s alright.  If he’s telling the truth and he has inherited the property, I wouldn’t mind the chance to talk this through with him.”

The RCMP officer didn’t seem happy with that.  “You’re aware of the time constraints?”

“Of course.  I’ll talk to Mr. Thorburn, then the lawyer, and we can meet for dinner?  I’ll fill you in.”

The RCMP officer took that in.  “Alright.  I need to make some calls.  Call me when you’re done.”

Laird nodded.

Together, we watched the RCMP officer trudge away through the snow, his boots squeaking.  When he was gone, Laird withdrew a pocketwatch from his coat.  He popped it open, looked, and then closed it, holding it in one hand.

His implement? 

I’m thinking the same thing. Is the clock his tool? Where his familiar is or something? 

“I admit, thought it was a girl, here.”

“No,” I responded.  “I’m just as surprised to be here as you are to see me here.”

“Well, if it helps, I think you’re innocent,” he said.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“Here’s the honest truth; I wasn’t lying when I said I wanted to discuss things with you.”

“You’re a pretty honest guy, huh?” I asked.

Stupid.  Stupid question.

“I suspect you and I both know why,” he said.  “Can we do away with pretense?”

I sighed.  “Sure.”

“I believe you’re innocent because I know who killed Molly Walker.”

“Who?” I asked.  I was getting colder, now.

He only shook his head.  “I can’t say.  It will probably go unsolved, the media will report it, but it won’t be sensationalized. Good officers will most likely put in a genuine, honest effort and find nothing.”

“Doesn’t this kind of conflict with the oath you swore, when entering office?  Or are you faking the police thing?”

He smiled.  “Rest assured, I studied for my position, I earned it, and I’ve maintained it in good conscience.  I’d rather talk about you.  Would you be up for a walk?”

“A walk?” I asked.

“If you’re worried, I can promise you my protection for as long as you’re in my company, I’ll take you somewhere where we can talk, then bring you back, as safe as I can manage it.”

“Which is how safe?”  I asked.  “I don’t know what your protection is worth.”

“You’re thinking I’ve limited myself somehow?” he asked, clearly amused.

“I’m thinking anything is possible.” 

Good to cut the bullshit straight away, but also good that Blake is being smart about this, playing around the omissions and trying to force them to say the truth. I do wonder if some of grandma’s enemies don’t want the family killed or something, maybe they just want the terrain, for money and influence? 

“If positions were reversed, I would trust my own daughters, who I care about deeply, to the care of someone of equivalent power.”

“This isn’t a trick?” I asked.

His smile faltered a little.  “This line of questioning is getting a touch grating.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“This is not a trick,” he said.  “My primary aim here is to find out who you are.  You’re an unknown quantity in a very delicate ecosystem. But we can talk about that more after. I suspect you’ll gain more information than you give up.”

“Right this minute, with everything that’s happening, I’d rather be safe and warm than have information,” I said.  “A bit of time to grieve might be nice.”

“What if I offered to help streamline matters on the legal front? You’ll be safer and warmer here than in a prison cell, awaiting a trial,” he said.

I considered the idea.

“I’d find that a little more tempting,” I admitted.

“If you’re interested, I’ll wait while you get your coat and whatever else you deem necessary.”

“Give me a minute,” I said.  I shut the door.

I made my way to the living room.

“Don’t,” Rose said.

“It’s answers,” I said.

“It’s dangerous,” she responded.  “We can go the safe route.  Like I was saying before.  There’s too much we don’t know.”

I found my jacket.  “We’ve skimmed the little black book.  Behaim… they’re one of the covens.”

“There’s a better word than coven, but sure.  They’re a local institution, maybe the oldest here. All the more reason to stay.”

“He’ll fix the legal situation, which is maybe the biggest concern right now.  I don’t know if we can do anything against ordinary people, if the cops decide to kick down the door.”

“Blake!  I don’t get a say?” 

This is helpful as much as it is suspicious. Position in real life seems to influence a lot seems to play a big part on what you get to do in this circle and that is really good. I wonder what will Blake be able to pull off when the story gets going, knowing that while he does have friends and a job that allows him to meet many people, he doesn’t particularly hold influence in things like law or enforcement like Beasley and Laird. Also, shutting down someone repeatedly can leave them like this, unsure if their opinion even matter at points, like they are left out. If in a larger group this can lead to them feeling like the entire group is against them. It is a really nice study on psychology. I think Hunter x Hunter does this in their VERY unique “tournament arc” right at the beginning, where every single generic trial has its cool unique twist, one of them being a majority opinion sequence of tests that serve to constantly pitch people against one another. 

“You do,” I said.  “But… you were saying how you were going kind of crazy, alone?  I’m going to lose it if I’m cooped up.  I have to keep moving.  I had to before I left home, and it only got reinforced after.  If there’s an opportunity to stretch my legs and get answers, while preserving my sanity, I’m going to take it.”

“Blake, no.”

“Yes,” I said.  “Come with, as much as you can.  I wouldn’t mind the backup.”

I pulled on my coat, then rummaged in the closet to get a new scarf and hat.  There were two that were plain enough to wear.  The nurse’s?

I stepped across the threshold, half-convinced I’d get shot or something equivalent.  When I didn’t, I carefully locked the door.  I stood there, hand still on the handle.

“You promise to smooth over the legal issues?”

“I’ll make this as stress free for you as I can.  Nobody will enter the house, if I can help it, which I can.  I promise you this.”

“The house is safe?” I asked.

He sighed.  “You don’t know very much, do you?”

“I’m a fast learner, but not as much as I’d like to know.”

“I assure you, the house is safe.  I don’t know of anyone who could or would damage the house or property.  If it was that easy, we would have removed it already.”

I turned, joining him in walking down the long, snow-covered driveway.

“Let me cut to the chase.  I’d like to talk about a hypothetical scenario with you,” he said.

 Oh boy here we go with a quote on quote hypothetical. Another thing I learned with Hunter x Hunter, don’t reveal how much you know and don’t know, how much you can do and can’t. Seriously, give that 2011 anime a watch if you haven’t already. They make really good use of the same logic that was used in Worm in which, if you have a power, you don’t want to explain it to someone, and if you can, use it in a way that it seems to be something else.

 “Sure,” I said.

“Global politics, if you don’t mind?”

“I don’t really mind.”

“In this scenario, we’ve got a situation involving a number of countries. If you will, there’s America.  I’m rather interested in America for the purpose of this discussion, but that’s just me.  Powerful, perhaps overly proud, large, keepers of the peace.”

I glanced at his uniform.  “Sure.”

“Then a European country.  I would say they are very traditional, seductive, beautiful, very prone to holding grudges.  More history, more set in their ways.”

I thought of the blonde women I’d seen at the table with him. “I can picture it.”

“There are others.  Imagine a small, very old, and somewhat backwards nation.  We’d then have a broad swathe of nature with very few settlements, as well as a very vibrant country that has just come into an inexplicable amount of wealth, which is liable to burn out quickly on its excess. As well as other bit players who shouldn’t be ignored, but who aren’t of import in our discussion, here.”

I tried to put faces to the descriptions, but it wasn’t easy. Perhaps the man in the twisted tower, with the talking dog, for the latter?  The girl with the checkered scarf…  If I went by process of elimination…

“I’m picturing an aboriginal woman,” I said.

“I can imagine such a woman leading this very old nation, yes.”

“A young woman, in heavy clothing, with a rabbit, in the middle of the uninhabited, natural setting?”

“Mm.  Quite right.”

“And… a long haired young man, for the wealthy country.”

“Yes.”

“If I were to add to this scenario, where would you fit a teenaged girl with a checkered scarf?”

He frowned, “I’m at a loss.”

“So am I,” I said.  The girl who had been talking to the Other, with the face that stretched.

He thought for a second, nodding and smiling a greeting at someone who apparently recognized him in passing.  When we were clear, he said, “Ah.  Someone who intruded on important meetings, perhaps.  A new arrival to the scene.” 

I’m still surprised with how direct they are being, but, does Laird know of the visions, or just of the people, and Blake happened to be gifted, somehow, with the visions to the main characters of the big play? 

“Is that so?”

“Too new and too small to be a serious threat.  Self deluding, even, dealing in things she doesn’t fully understand.  A complicated situation.  I’d call her a terrorist before I called her a local power.”

“Fair enough.  Can we call her Maggie, or is that mucking up the metaphor?”

“We could call her that.  Maggie Holt, I believe.”

I nodded.

He took in a deep breath, opened his watch, then closed it, without looking at it.  “In this imagined scenario, we have a country in, say, our equivalent of South America. This hypothetical country is unpredictable, has a history of being aggressive, and it just so happens they are the only one in this imagined scenario who have nuclear weapons at their disposal.”

Nuclear weapons.  It seemed an apt descriptor for the books I’d seen.  Dangerous to handle, dangerous to use.  Once they were brought to the table, everyone would lose. 

Knowledge is everything, and it seems that Grandma Rose accumulated a hell of a lot of it. I guess we’ll find out if that is what their family is in debt for, how much do you have to experience yourself and how much do you acquire through mysterious means to have so much at your disposal, just in your head? 

“In this little story, the dictator died, and a successor was assassinated in short order, let’s say.  Now another one has taken the helm, and nobody is entirely sure what type of person the young man is… which is very concerning, considering the weapons he has at his fingertips.  He could be reckless, he could be mild mannered, he could be a merchant, a politician, or a student, but he’s an unknown quality, and appearances can be deceiving.”

“I can picture that,” I said.

“Should this small southern nation cease to be a concern, everyone else profits, and the nukes being removed from the picture is only a small part of that.  The other countries would be elevated to a new age… and the country who is most powerful will take the helm, quite possibly forever.”

If Hillsglade House was the small country…  Jacob’s Bell the region…

“Is it so important?” I asked.  “The… resources or whatever you’d gain?  A few acres?”

I’m guessing these few acres can become a lot of desmesnes? Maybe? 

“When things develop to a certain point, it takes on a different tone.  Population, wealth, whatever else, they attract attention from everyone.  With the current status quo, our little world here is small enough to be left alone.  Understand, our little metaphor here falls apart when we cease talking about the area that falls within, say, a thousand kilometers around us.  I could start talking about other planets with their own drama and politics, if I really wanted to maintain the narrative, but those thing really aren’t our focus.”

“I understand,” I said.  I also understood that the ‘metaphor’ was making it very easy for him to outright lie, but that was a given. 

Damn, I did not notice that. They were talking so directly about stuff that it didn’t cross my mind that as long as they are considering all of this a metaphor, he can lie about anything in it. Man would I NOT be smart enough to write or survive in this setting.

“When our little world here grows, everyone with an established power base can ride the cresting wave.  Prestige, fortune, status, with others visiting, or attempting to get in while the going is good, and paying a good price to do so.”

“Alright,” I said.  “I’m starting to get a sense of this.”

“The trouble is, when the road block,” he half-turned to gesture back at the house, “Is removed, and when things start developing, there will be a very small window of opportunity in which one of the local powers I just described might take the helm.  If one doesn’t, it’s liable to be a more distant entity, and it’s likely to be someone we couldn’t hope to stand up to.”

Halfway across the world… in this analogy… someone from outside Jacob’s Bell?  Another, greater power.

The families here were small in the grand scheme of it all, and before the city grew and drew attention, they wanted to solidify their positions.

He opened his pocketwatch, then closed it without looking down, like a nervous tic, then continued.  “America rather likes the status quo, and if we were to see this small hypothetical country fall right now, it would be bad for America. America wouldn’t take power, nor would the European country.  It would be left to the newcomer, with all of his wealth, excess, and arrogance.”

I thought of what I’d read.  The warning to stay out of the north end.  “This hypothetical wealthy country wouldn’t happen to be to the north?”

“Yes, to the north, Mr. Thorburn.  I would like to see the small southern entity with the proverbial nukes be a very stable, calm, country for the time being.  America would protect it, and things would be very calm and very peaceful for long enough that the wealthy newcomer might fade in his glory.”

“So it isn’t really friendship, is it?  It’s… buying time.  Then there’s nothing to stop America from crushing the little country.”

“It would be a temporary alliance, I’m afraid.  I don’t believe there’s a way around it.”

“What if the nukes were… given up to greater authorities?”

“Who would you trust to handle such things?  The southern country and any country that received these goods would, in this scenario, become immediate targets, because nukes that are changing hands are far, far more dangerous than nukes that are sitting idle in one place.”

“What if the nukes were destroyed?  In exchange for certain concessions, to protect the southern country?”

“Impossible.  In this scenario, I’d describe it as radiation.  Ugly elements would be let loose.  Elements that are contained so long as the nukes are intact, you understand. If it’s even possible to destroy those things.  The person who put the things together was very, very conscientious.”

“They can’t be given away, because they’re too dangerous. They can’t be destroyed, because they’re too dangerous,” I said.

“In the best case scenario for our hypothetical little world,” he said, “our little southern country remains dormant for some time, and is cleanly, quickly wiped out of existence, in a matter of weeks, months or years.  I’m sorry.”

Analogy aside, he wasn’t sugarcoating it.  Somehow that made me feel better.  I had my hands jammed in my coat pockets, and I kept them there, but I pressed my arms tighter against my body.  “The nukes?”

“The nukes are left where they are and everything is paved over, with numerous measures taken to ensure it remains that way.” 

Really no option but to participate then it would seem, because I doubt Blake would like to be “wiped out”. Because as much as that can have no fatal connotations at all, I DOUBT they don’t. 

I felt cold, and I wasn’t sure how much of it was the fact that I’d stood in the open doorway for long enough to let it soak into me, and how much was emotion and physical reaction.

We walked on for a bit.  People greeted ‘Chief Behaim’ as they passed him on the sidewalk.  He greeted them warmly in turn.

“No consideration to the poor bastard who didn’t even want to take over?”  I asked.

“I suspect the poor bastard is as good as dead already,” Laird Behaim said.  “I am sorry. If it helps, I don’t think I’ll enjoy the part I play in it.”

He sounded sorry.

Doesn’t mean that he is. Is the part you play ignoring that you are talking with a walking dead-man or that you’ll maybe be coerced to do it yourself?

“Would you like a coffee, Mr. Thorburn?” Chief Behaim offered.

I looked for a mirror and found one, meeting Rose’s gaze.  I still felt numb, cold, a little less like a complete person than before.  Slowly, surely, this situation was chipping away at me.  A little warmth in the form of good coffee would go a long way.

“Sure.  Please,” I said. 

Ah man, that is it? But I wanted more! =( I think this chapter was smaller than the last too.

[ratsntophats]

Personal

I doubt anyone will read this. I doubt anyone will care. But at this point, i need to get this out of my system. Im not looking for pity points. Im not looking for someone to give me anything at all. I just wish things were easier.

This year fucking blows. I know i know, i always try to be the optimist. Open minded, life is what you make it, yadda yadda. But honestly, there is a darkness in me too, and sometimes i just have to embrace the inevitable. I can't always be bright. I cant always feel hope. Right now i feel buried in the ground with no understanding or motivation to get back up.

Lets piece this one thing at a time.

January. January was pretty cool. I was in love with a girl and a boy, taboo I know. But i thought i was happy. I thought WE were happy. But i guess i was wrong. I was naive. I only saw what i wanted to, i guess? Anyway. In January we all went to Colorado on vacation. It was relaxing, it was fun. We eat, we got high, we saw new places. We even scouted out where we might want to move in a few years, a school we might want to attend. At the time I wasn't totally sole on this plan. Moving halfway across the country is a big deal. But no means did i think this event would bring about an end to my false happiness, the love i thought was reciprocated, from the girl i dumbly wanted to marry.

February comes around. The break up. Out of the blue i get a text. "We need to talk". I was at work when this happened. My heart sunk. Without any warning, or prior talks, i knew. I knew she had given up, somehow. I tried to convince myself that i was overreacting. Of course this wasnt what she wanted to talk about. But i retreated into the office, haunted by fear, anxiety, doubt, and confusion. I cried my eyes out. My voice came hoarse on the walkie system when my coworker tried to find me. He tried ro console me, but i couldn't explain. How could i tell him that i was dating her? She didn't want anyone to know. The entire relationship it killed me inside. I wanted the world to know that this beautiful girl was my girlfriend but she wanted to hide. She was ashamed of me, i guess. Of us. How could i explain that i thought my "roommate", who worked at the same company nonetheleas, was breaking up with me?

After a long, painful shift i returned home. We waited. She wasnt home. We waited. It wae last midnight when she returned to "talk". She explained that she had to talk to someone else first. Someone else she had just met and barely knew. She made us wait, in utmost confusion, until the middle of the night, for HER to explain what this"talk" was about.

"I think we should break up." I couldn't handle it. In one of my weakest moments, heartbroken, I ran outside the apartment sobbing, wandering the streets alone, in my PJs. I don't know how long i wae gone. Eventually we came back. More things werw discussed. I wasn't fully there, not for a while. Even after, i wasnt myself for some time. I don't know how i let it hurt me this bad. But i truly loved her. My dumb self loved her and watched her hook up with the random guy i was never supposed to worry about. It was over. She was never proud of me, of us. For all i know it could have meant nothing to her. And now here i am, almost a year later, still thinking of that beautiful girl.

The awkward month continued. I, luckily, started a new job which kept me busy. I was so excited to make a difference. I felt so proud of my first salaried job.

I was proud. Until, fast forward to months, shit hits the fan. On April Fools day of all days I get on the wrong end of a dispute with one of my clients and am shoved head first into a god damned TV stand. I have never seen so much blood in my life. I was rushed off to the ER, and found that i had broken multiple bones in my nose and cheek, plus a huge gash where i landed. I spend the night in the hospital. The next day, i am cleared to rest at home.

2 weeks of recovery go by slowly. I get a lot of messages of concern and well wishes. I return to work briefly, only allowed to do light office work. Then, i take a month long hiatus to recover from a surgery that fixes my mess of a face and protects against potential future damage with titanium plates. I am now a cyborg.

The next few months flew by, filled with stress and me trying to overcome my trauma, having to see the client that hurt me every day, having to walk into the room where i was hurt. I saw a therapist for the break up and post accident combo. I was a mess. I felt true fear for the first time. I didnt understand it and i didn't know who i was or who i had become. I felt ugly and unwanted. But i pushed myself to go to work, i pushed myself to face my fears. My work life improved so much that i no longer had a home life. I even went to work in my dreams.

Months went on like this, saying goodbye to old coworkers and hello to new ones. I strived to become better, but the job was eating me alive. I no longer felt that overwhelming fear i once had. Instead, i started to feel less and less. I wasn't myself. In fact, i hadn't been myself for quite some time. My passion for the job faded, though my love for my clients will always remain.

November. The kicker. I continued to search for jobs to free myself and make my life my own again. I had several mediocre interviews. None of them felt right. Then, i happened upon a job i truly wanted. A guidance counseling gig. My field. I spoke alone with the school principal and actually enjoyed an interview. Honestly, this was the best interview I've ever encountered. I left the school in such a good mood, excited for my future, buying my colleague donuts and coffee on my way back to the office. Though i had to work late that night, it was one night i didnt mind.

Two days later, i received a voicemail early in the morning. "I'd like to extend an offer of employment to you." I returned the call immediately after my shift, an excitedly accepted my first school counseling job! One that i had been fighting for for 5 years! Trying to be respectful, i spoke to my supervisor shortly after and gave my two weeks notice. I thought i was doing the right thing. I felt terrible for making things difficult on my colleagues, but i wasn't about to turn down this opportunity. This was my time to shine.

November 13th. I was supposed to start November 13th. The principal had informed me that i would hear back from the charter school HR in a few days, that they would be sending me over paperwork with salary information and so on. A few days passed. Nothing. I called the school, the principal was unavailable. I was told they would have him return my call. I gave them some more time. Nothing. I called again, but this time i was met with confusion. "Mr. P no longer works here." Completely baffled, i asked for more information and was told the new administrator would contact me as soon as possible. What had happened? What the heck was going on? I tried to stay optimistic and gave them more time. Still nothing. Eventually i was able to get a hold of the new principal who explained his hands were tied. He was fully aware of my situation and haf passed along my information to HR multiple times. I just had to wait for them.

I waited. And waited. Spoke to the original recruiter that contacted me about the job several times. He didnt know anything. His boss would contact me, he said. So i waited. Finally i received a vague email of some HR personnel asking for a good time to speak over the phone. I was able to clarify that this was one of the people I had been waiting for! We set up a time to talk and i anxiously waited for her to call me with my new salary and details on my start date.

She called, but not about that. This was an interview. A what? A interview. I had to continue to interview for the position i had thought i had already accepted. There was some weird ass miscommunication going on. But i went with it. Once the call was over, i just cried. I had been waiting and waiting for someone to give me more information, and now they had left me with even more questions?

Later that week, i think, my timeline is fuzzy, i received another phone call for ANOTHER interview. I had to interview once again for the job i thought was mine. I went, hoping for the best, but my stomach in knots. Once there, i was told to fill out an application. ARE YOU SERIOUS??? i filled out thw stupid paper and was eventually ushered into the woman's office for the worst interview of my life. I'm not kidding. I had the best and worst interviews in my life within one month FOR THE SAME FLIPPING JOB. The lady stonewalled me for over an hour. Seriously. Question after question after question. I lost myself. I couldn't answer so many of her specifics and the silence of my not knowung was killing me. I wanted to die. To top it all off, she asked me why i left my previous job. Are you serious? I was honest. I told her that i had accepted ths job from the principal and was due to start. No comment, no apologies for communication. She didn't even bat an eye.

And then it was over. I left and returned home, a wreck, on November 13th, the same day i was supposed to start working at my "dream job". Two days later i saw the job posted again on indeed. It still haunts me to this day. I never heard from the stonewall lady, or any of HR, again. Who knows where Mr. P went.

And here i am, nearly a month later, jobless, essentially a hermit, drinking a bottle of wine in the shower before crawling into bed and sobbing. Okay, it was like a 1/4 of a bottle. But still. I'm a mess.

Ironically? I was offered another job. Im going to fill out paperwork tomorrow. But i dont want it. I don't trust it. I actually didn't officially accept it but i think theyre trying to get me by all means possible. A marketing job. The people feel nice, but it feels sketchy. How sad that the idea of a new job makes me break down into tears. How do i know its mine? Do i even want it? What do i want? I dont know anymore.

This became far longer than expected. Perhaps I'm overdue. I wonder what the future holds for me.

[spookyenemyperson-blog]

Oak Harbor Washington Cheap car insurance quotes zip 98278

"Oak Harbor Washington Cheap car insurance quotes zip 98278

Oak Harbor Washington Cheap car insurance quotes zip 98278

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://financeandcreditsolutions.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

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Oak Harbor Washington Cheap car insurance quotes zip 98278

Oak Harbor Washington Cheap car insurance quotes zip 98278

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Oak Harbor Washington Cheap car insurance quotes zip 98278

Oak Harbor Washington Cheap car insurance quotes zip 98278

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im 18 years old on my mothers policy been driving 1 year crashed my car into a old Escort which his car was called a Rite Off. His rite of value for his car is 950. my damage i fixed with my old money as my insurance did not cover my cars damage. my Current Insurance price is 1250(pa). How much will my insurance go up by next time round...next year in September?

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Would I lose my auto insurance?

Hey there, I have been in 2ed car accident, and its my 2ed one in the past two years. I was wondering If my insurance would drop me, or cancel my renewal or just raise my rates? If it helps they where both rear ends, and no damages to my car, and just scratch to the other car.""

Cheap motorcycle insurance for 18 year old?

Im 18 an looking to get a street bike this year but the insurance company my parents have(some local small insurance company) saids they cant even give insurance until ive had lisense for 5 years which is bullshit. Even after 5 years they said it would most likely be around 4 thousand a year which is rediculous! All i want to do is own a motorcycle an ride but damn insurance is too high! Any cheap insurance that gives full coverage to 18 year olds. Btw my driving record is clean with no accidents or tickets

What's the best type of life insurance to buy?

Is term better than cash value? or vice versa?

How much is a spouse's auto insurance in MA?

How much increase is a spouse's auto insurance compared to just an individual's insurance if we drive the same car in MA, with full coverage and that he's a casual driver?""

""What do you think is the best, most reliable, and inexpensive AUTO INSURANCE company?

In the state of FL.

Motorbike insurances?

hi,just wondering whats the best and most cheapest motorbikr insurance right now on the market.at the moment iv got insurance qoutes from ebikes and is quite cheap.but the thing is,if its any good?somebodys got any experience with ebikes?sounds cheap but if there any good to insure with them?got a kawasaki vn900 almost 1 year ncb and a EU full motorbike license.age 25 full motorbike lisence 8 years almost 9.""

What is the most affordable car insurance in Boise /Idaho?

What is the most affordable car insurance in Boise /Idaho?

Car insurance companies with no deposit?

i need car insurance but cannot afford to pay an upfront deposit? can any one help?

Insurance rates were lower in california - for car?

i always have a california car insurance and see that it is always lower when compared to other states.. why is that.. on the other hand,i have always heard that car gettting stolen is highest in californiaso so i guess the insurance premium should be higher then why""

Oak Harbor Washington Cheap car insurance quotes zip 98278

Oak Harbor Washington Cheap car insurance quotes zip 98278

In Texas are you required to inform your medical insurance company when you are in a car accident?

My girlfriend was in a car accident last year and her insurance company is not paying her physical therapy bills because she did not inform them at the time of the accident.

Can taking drivers ed save my parents money on car insurance?

i need to know how much, if any, people save on average""

Who sells the cheapest motorcycle insurance?

Who sells the cheapest motorcycle insurance?

How can i get very cheap car insurance?

im 17 and i want to buy a small hatchback. ive been considering adding a family member as first driver but i would like ideas on how to make it cheaper with me as a main driver, pleaseeeeee help!!""

Is this normal for auto insurance?

I have got quote from almost all the comapnies, esurance, geico, state farm, farmers, allstate, and some more . All of them gave me quotes in the upper $2500 for full coverage. The only one were less was allstate $2100 and Geico for $1400 thats full coverage for 6 months. Do you guys usually pay this much. I'm 21 and this the first time I'm gettin insurance.""

Is Car Insurance paid Monthly or Yearly?

I was reading an article about the Toyota Prius and it said insurance is about $1400. Is that $1400 a month or a year?

What's the best car insurance company? Your experience?

I just purchased a new car and my family and I have about 4 cars currently under farmers insurance and pays way over $200 on car insurance...the dealer at the agency mentioned that he bought the same car and has 4 other cars with Nationwide and pays under $200 full coverage. In your experience and in your opinion from what you know or have experienced which insurance companys over the best service for your buck or offer great options. I think we are paying a lot and the options aren't that great. Thanks

Insurance companies trying to get money?

So, my little brother was born early and has delayed learning. He can to everything right. His speaking is a little slow but it's getting there and has come a LONG way by the help of many people that we know personally, and in physical/occupational therapy. Now, the insurance companies are saying that they will not pay even though he is fully qualified. We have many letters from his teachers. How often does this happen? It's not been the first time. :(""

Cheapest first car to insure?

Cheapest first car to insure?

Where can i get cheap insurance?

low rates? ???

Motorcycle insurance company for temporary 1 month policy plz help?

hi does anyone know a cheap insurance company that would issue 1 month insurance for my motorcycle , my bike is a kawasaki zx9-r ninja, and i have 11 month no claims, im going to spain for 2 months next month , thats why i only need 1 months cover for uk use plz help""

Need a quick answer on car insurance?

My first question is, if your car is hit and the other insurance company admits fault - aren't they supposed to come meet YOU to assess damages? Secondly, is an insurance company allowed to deny you whats owed after already admitting fault and after already getting an estimate from a body shop? How do I prevent them from low balling me?""

Help with car insurance quote please?

If I have my own insurance it's 2,400, But if I put my girlfriend on it, it comes down to 600 but she's only got a provisional and I have a full uk licence were both 17 Just wanted to know how it comes down so much if she can't legally drive a car...without someone with experence? Or should I stop complaing?""

How much will it cost for an 18 year old to insure a BMW M3?

I am an 18 year old, I've just passed my car test and I want a 2002 - 2004 BMW M3 (1.8 - 2.0l) I will not settle for anything less better-looking than a BMW. I also just passed my full motorcycle test 2 months ago. I have 2 years no claims bonus for my Motorcycle insurance since I started riding at the age of 16. I'm planning to sell my current motorcycle and buy a reasonable BMW M3 priced around 2-3k I was wondering what kind of insurance I should be expecting? I have got way more experience on the roads than any other 18 year old out there; but I'm not so sure that the insurance companies will take in mind my 2 years NCB on my motorcycle. Either way; how much could I be expecting to pay? I'm going to be insured as the 2nd driver and hopefully not pay more than 4k anually? The comparison websites are just bull crap, they are quoting my prices of over 20k, even for a small ford ka. I know I know big car young driver - but please just answer my question :) Thanks in advance.""

Begginning drivers and insurance?

When a high school student gets a permit, do I have to call the insurance company and add them to the policy? I know it may increase the rate drastically, so what is best to do?""

Small and cheap to insure ideal first cars?

first car for a 17 year old, no more then 1800, MUST be small and cheap to insure and preferably a respectable looking car :')""

What would be the average cost for these with a Hyundai i20?

what would be the average cost for these with a Hyundai i20 budgeting for running costs -car repayments -ongoing insurance and registration payments -car maintenance -tyres -petrol

Insurance on a Motorcycle.?

I am 16 and I am wanting to purchase an '08 250 Ninja. What would I expect to pay every year in insurance? I live in MS if that would make a difference in insurance.

Cheapest car insurance for a minor?

Okay, I'm about to purchase a 1995 Volkswagon Cabrio, but I need insurance on it and I'm only 17. I have a missouri permit currently, but I will have my license as soon as I get the insurence so that I can take the test. If it helps at all I have a 4.5 gpa, near perfect attendence, volunteer work, dual-enrollment credit, and extra-curriculars. I just cannot afford the prices I have been seeing for the few companies that will give me insurance and I would appreciate any suggestions for cheap liability.""

Can I insure more than one limited company on one business insurance policy?

I need to know if you can have one UK business insurance policy, which includes employers liability, that covers more than one limited company. I am getting quotes for three limited companies and some insurers are happy to do ABC Ltd and/or DEF Ltd and/or GHI Ltd, whereas others are telling me that I need three separate policies (at three times the cost!). Help please........""

How much will my car insurance cost monthly?

I'm 20 years old, female, college student, never been in an accident, 0 tickets, i've had my license since i was 18, my occupation: customer service. i'm self supporting, my insurance will not be under parents. it will be under my name. i'm looking to just get basic liability coverage. the car i'm considering to get is a white 2003 toyota celica gt coupe. with about 95kmiles. what insurance do you recommend and how much do you think it will cost for me monthly?""

Car insurance for young men please advise.?

Hey I'm 20 nearly 21 been driving nearly 3 years with no accidents etc . No speeding no nothing , I want a faster car ( fiesta st) 150bhp car . I can afford the car with ease , will my insurence be un affordable ? I can't pay more than 2000 on insurance. Might I add I'm from the uk i""

What is the cheapest car insurance?

im 16, and my mom is making me pay for insurance for my new car. i was just wondering because my job isnt that good and moneys hard to come by these days...""

How much would i pay for insurance?

I want to buy an 2010 Nissan Cube, around 14,000 new and im 17, living in Ct. I was wondering how much i would pay for insurance, if its too much what other car should i get, i want to get a new car so can any one help me, my grades aren't too good, i would pay for it my self and i can afford about 150 a month since ill be paying 184 a month for the car with 60 months and 3000 down.""

What's the difference between health and accident insurance?

What's the difference between health and accident insurance?

Oak Harbor Washington Cheap car insurance quotes zip 98278

Oak Harbor Washington Cheap car insurance quotes zip 98278

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/mercedes-benz-tyre-insurance-paul-bishop/"

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What is the best and cheapest web hosting site with a page builder?

"What is the best and cheapest web hosting site with a page builder?

I am currently using yahoo and it works ok, but I was wondering if there is a better, cheaper site. I currently pay $10/month, but this includes no other features. Thank you.

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://howmuchisinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

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slkdfugahsdfpgkashnfg;alkjdfgdfygha;dlfgn'dlfkvapdfhbgasdfydtapewrgbcm,v xzkcjvh""

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So I recently just bought a motorcycle 07 Yamaha R6S. I'm 19 years old and first time rider. I financed the bike under my name. My parents have Allstate and I'm under there insurance for the car insurance. Can they add a motorcycle under their insurance or do I have to go on my own? If so, how much is full coverage on a bike for a 19 year old? I have 1 ticket on record. Would I be able to just get liability? I live in California. Any advice would be helpful.""

What would be the best sports/muscle car for a 16 year old girl?

As far as insurance costs, gas, problems with the way the car runs -if any- what car would be best? Even old muscle cars from the 60s and 70s may be suggested as long as u have the year and car name for me, u did ur job! Thanks :) think most affortable and sporty/ muscle car look! List year too! Oh and pleaseeeeee keep price in mind! She has to pay for the whole car and everything that has to do with it....absolutley nothing over 15000 and even that might be too expensive""

6 week car insurance for 18 year old?

I share a car with my twin brother, which means i get the car every other day. My older brother is having a hip replacement so won't be able to drive for 6 weeks. He said i could ...show more""

Help! which is cheaper of 2 cars on insurance?

which has cheaper insurance? 1. Mazda 3 touring hatchback 2009 (median level trim and automatic) 2. Volvo C30 T5 hatchback (base trim and automatic) ??? which one??? cuz my dad is worrying about the insurance for me. im 19 and going be 20 soon!

How much would car Insurance be for a 16 year old girl?

I live in Michigan. Thank you :)

My parents need my drivers license number to get an insurance quote. Can they see if I got a ticket?

In early January, I got a speeding ticket. I paid it off right away with Christmas money, that way I didn't have to tell my parents. Now, my parents say that they need my drivers license number to get a quote on insurance. By getting a quote on insurance, can they see that I got a ticket?""

How much should my car insurance cost?

I am 16 year old girl, will be driving a two door 1995 Honda civic, and have 4.1 gpa in school.""

Health insurance.?

I need affordable health insurance.Where to find one? Thanks!!!

Car insurance advice for a 17 year old?

Hello, I just bought a Citroen AX for 500, and have payed a lump sum of 2800 for 12 months insurance. My question is: If I get a 1 year no claims bonus when im 18, how much cheaper will my next 12 month insurance be? How much less do you think It will cost after a year of no claims. And If possible: How cheaper would It cost to insure that car after 4 years no claims? Thanks.""

""I accidently backed into a car, but the owner doesnt want me to turn it in to my insurance?""

She doesnt have car insurance and is scared she'll get into trouble. Its at least 500 worth of damage. Do i have to pay her out of pocket? I pay insurance for a reason!!! My deductible is only 100, and i dont feel i should pay anymore than that.""

What is the best kind of life insurance to get? Which is most affordable?

(term, whole, universal, variable) I also would like your recommendations on good companies.""

Im pregnant and need insurance. Is there affordable prenatal insurance besides medicaid?

Medicaid denied me because I make 25 cents more than the allowed amount. I am 4 months pregnant and have not had any prenatal care due to lack of insurance and fighting with medicaid. Is there AFFORDABLE coverage that anyone knows about?

Affordable health care?

Does the affordable health care act say that as a family member of a state emplyee I can't be on my wife's insurance after she retires ?

""Being sued by an insurance company, can my wages be garnished?""

I was in a severe accident last year in which the damage done exceeded my coverage. Now, a year later, the other insurance company is suing me. Now, the odd thing about this is, the accident was in NJ, I now live in PA, and they cannot seem to find me. They've called my old jobs in NJ looking for me, but haven't found me here in PA. What's even odder is, the attorney hunting me down is from MY insurance company, which I now again have in PA, and that particular accident never even showed up on my driving record when I insured my vehicle here. I'm assuming it has something to do with crossing state lines, but it's very odd. My big question is, when they judge against me, can my wages be garnished here in Pennsylvania? Can they garnish wages in that scenario? And also, is anyone familiar with the crossing state lines aspect of this and why they cannot seem to find me? I would like to just file for bankruptcy so my wages cannot be garnished, but up to or over a thousand dollars is a hit I cannot take. Any help is greatly appreciated.""

How much would it cost for three 18-20 year olds to live on their own in a 2 bedroom apartment?

I am currently 15 but am planning to move in with my best friend, and my boyfriend at the age of 18. Can anyone tell me what the prices may range for about? We want-- A two bedroom apartment. (Not specifically top notch) Heat of course, but air conditioning not needed. One car with insurance. No cable, phone, or internet. Electricity, Water, and food of course are important. I will be in school as well as my friend, so we can work part time. The boyfriend can work part time or full time. Does anyone know how much this may come to? Around? Aim high because we really want to be prepared. Thank you all so much. =]""

Farm Bureau Car Insurance question?

Hi, I am wanting to go and get my full license, I'm suppose to be added to my dad's car insurance before hand though, if he has to pay $70.00 more a month, will he have to pay 70 at the exact moment that im added ? Or is that charged when I am on the insurance a complete month.""

Can I pay my car insurance monthly through parents?

I am 17 just learnt to drive and I have my own car and will be able to afford my car insurance IF i pay it monthly, I know they do not let under 18's pay it monthly, so can I say ...show more""

What is the best and cheapest web hosting site with a page builder?

I am currently using yahoo and it works ok, but I was wondering if there is a better, cheaper site. I currently pay $10/month, but this includes no other features. Thank you.

95 Jeep Grand Cherokee insurance Cost?

New driver, just got my licence at 18 years old.""

How much does insurance cost for Top gear?

I need to find out how much Top Gear have to pay for there insurance for driving fast cars etc. Or how much will Jeremy Clarksons Insurance be? Hope you can help :)

How much cost an insurance in massachusetts?

I am not working and I will need an insurance.

""Where can I get insurance, I want to play a sport but I don't have insurance ?

So im thinking about joining sports in school but I don't have insurance and does state farm sell that kind of insurance or any other insurance company

Will lifting my Jeep affect my insurance rates?

I have a Jeep Cherokee, which is my daily driver, but I'm lookin into making it alot bigger, putting a 6 lift kit on and putting 35 tires. I dont know whether or not I need to notify my insurance company about this. I dont expect them to insure the lift or anything, but can I be dropped by them if I do not tell them? I'm not actually going to be taking the truck offroad (stupid I know, but its just for looks).""

Is it cheaper for me and my girlfriend to get insured on the same car?

Hello, I'm wondering If anyone could help me, I am a 17 year old that is learning to drive and am looking into insuring a car. I'm currently searching to get insured on a 2002 1.2ltr Renault Clio, and was wondering if the insurance will be cheaper if I get my girlfriend who is also 17 and learning to drive insured on the same car, I'm not sure if 2 people on the same policy makes the insurance go down or not and could really do with knowing. Thank you for your help :)""

How much would my insurance cost if self-insured?

How much would my insurance cost if self-insured?

""Why is it cheaper to add another person to your car insurance, shouldn't it cost more?""

I am going to add my boyfriend to my car insurance and it is going to be cheaper, (not that I am complaining any) but wouldn't it make sense to charge more? So why is it cheaper to add another person to car insurance.""

WHATS THE CHEAPEST CAR INSURANCE?

I AM TRYING TO GET A QUOTE FOR MY CAR INSURANCE AND THERE ALL LIKE 1000-2000. ITS A SKODA OCTAVIA 1.9 ELEGANCE PD 2006 ESTATE IVE TRIED WEBSITES LIKE GO COMPARE, COMPARE THE MARKET, CONFUSED.COM, DIRECTLINE.COM, LLOYDS TSB ECT ECT. ANY IDEAS WOULD BE MUCH APPRECIATED?""

Cheap auto insurance in Alberta?

I just got my first car and I am looking for auto insurance for the first time. Which companies offer the best rates? My car is 1988 mazda, how much does the insurance usually cost for my situation per month?""

Is life insurance the same as health insurance?

i have to go to a doctors appointment tomorrow and i was wondering if the life insurance is the same as health insurance and i am wondering if i can go by myself cause my parents work until 4pm thanks and i am 13

Can I add my new car to my brothers insurance?

The car Im driving right now is registered to my brother also the insurance is under his name, (but its mine technically). So if I buy a new car, can I put or add this car at the same insurance policy? This new car would be registered under my name. I think if its possible, this would same me some money from the insurance.""

I might be getting a car and I need to know the insurance?

Ok, so I'll be 17, it'll be my first car, it costs 300 that's it :) all that needs doing is some rust work on the door. It's a 1987 D reg Saab 900 :D any ideas on how much my insurance will cost? I dont know the full license plate so I can't do it properly myself :/ but even just a rough estimate would be a great help :) thanks :)""

NY Full Coverage Insurance Rates?

How much is full coverage on any plan for a new driver?

How much does car insurance cost for a 16 year old?

I drive a 98 Toyota Avalon, I heard ur grades affect the rates but I'm not a straight A student, I don't really do really well in school so you don't wanna know my grades. But how much would my parents have to pay for my insurance? We live in California""

Do you need full coverage insurance to take a driving test?

How does that work? Me and my boyfriend just got a car & I still need to get my license in order to get full coverage insurance, but can I take my driving test without full coverage? I'm in a bit of a pickle here any opinions would be great! I live in California.""

How much is car insurance for a 16 year old now?

hi im sixteen i dont know where to look for the amount every site i go too wants too much information if you can find one for me my zip is 17325 or give me an estimate. thanks!

USAA insurance for motorcycles?

Does anyone know what motorcycle insurance through USAA would cost for a female beginner between the ages of 18-24? first bike (let's say a Buell Blast, if the type of motorcycle matters), never had any accidents or speeding tickets, and passed all the safety courses, etc. I'd look it up myself, but for some reason the website isn't letting me look at the motorcycle section right now. Thanks in advance.""

Can I cancel my auto insurance?

I go through American Family and they are killin me. I recently bought a car from a dealership, which of course I had to get full coverage. My rate is now ridiculous and I have found a WAY better rate with a different company so my question is, can I just cancel my insurance? They sent me a bill for $434. I paid half of it today, do I need to pay the other half before I cancel? (Its just hard for me to make two $200 dollar payments for one bill) I will have to renew my policy in October, and I don't want to do that. I just don't want to hurt my credit or receive cancellation fees, so whats the best way to do this?""

On average how much is car insurance if you've been in an accident and?

I wasn't speeding, I didn't slow down enough to make a turn on a back road ( I didn't notice how sharp it was) and swerved off the road. how much more will insurance be for me now if I find an alright vehicle. (And I know it is really bad when your young, I'm 18, so I know it will be high as is, and because of this I know it will be way higher, I just need a basic idea of how high it will be and for how long. I've never been pulled over before, nor do I speed.)""

Would a warrant for a no insurance ticket affect me in california from minnesota?

Would a warrant for a no insurance ticket affect me in california from minnesota?

How much would full coverage insurance cost on a 1965 Silver Cloud 3 Rolls-Royce?

Male driver, clean driving history.""

Ninja 250 insurance for a 17 year old?

I have no wrecks tickets or anything on my record for driving a car. I want a motorcycle because they are cool and get like 2-3 times better gas mileage then my car. The problem id my parents complain they are dangerous and thy also say the insurance is like 3 times as much. I live in the U.S will the insurance be a lot, if so can you give me a estimate per month? Also since a 250 is cheap and not very fast will that make a difference in safety and insurance price?""

I got a no insurance ticket in alabama went to court but never paid fine what will happen if i get caught back?

there

Will my car insurance rates go up if i crashed a car as a valet?

backed into another car as a valet. My company has insurance. The insurance exchanged was my bosses, and the other 2 parties involved (car I was in and the car that was hit). My license number was taken down and I received a traffic ticket. Oh well. My real concern is does MY insurance ever find out about this? Or is it all on the company's insurance?""

What is the best and cheapest web hosting site with a page builder?

I am currently using yahoo and it works ok, but I was wondering if there is a better, cheaper site. I currently pay $10/month, but this includes no other features. Thank you.

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/bridgeport-west-virginia-cheap-car-insurance-quotes-zip-janet-collins/"

[somedaypast-thesunset]

the thing is .... there is already a distance between us right now which one of us needs to cross in order to meet the other and it has nothing to do with the compromises of what he believes is going on.

the distance is 100% his mental health as well as his maturity. he tried to tell me today that i think im “enlightened” but i am not at all. i’m like really far from enlightened because if i were at all enlightened i would not even struggle as hard as i do on a personal level. what i think i am is several times more mature and 70% of the instances where ive brought up a valid point has been shit on by immaturity. its not just waiting for someone ‘to get better’. its waiting for someone to grow up.

like when i first met him i was really really against polygamy. he wanted to have multiple partners and he sold this as it owuld be a family unit and everyone would live together etc. but he never once presented polygamy as its known to be in sociological terms. to him its on “his terms”. like he can just go out and meet someone and bring them into his family and have the other people just learn to adapt with this new person he wants to have. like we all just live in his world. 

this is not even true polygamy of a like equal mutual respect. like maybe its not for me. i’m lke pretty sure its not for me but i’m not totally sure. as i spend more and more years alone, the idea of having multiple people love you very deeply is attractive but im not sure i want to enter that life. i can barely get one person to love me very deeply enough to spend their life with me. i dont know if i would hold out for two who not only loved me but loved each other as well. 

the thing is though i have like really cloe relationships with everyone. almost all of them are “relationships” without sex. they all bond very close to me, we spend enormous amounts of time together, we depend on one another, we buy each other things, we invite each other into our extended families - like we become so much of each others lives that its almost hard to maintain another relationship seperately without if affecting ours. 

so i cant say that i dont see how this doesnt work. i can see that and i can see myself perhaps coming to this crossroads where maybe i honestly decide i will never ever have children not even by accident and keeping it but i still have this matronly feelings where i want to care and perhaps that care would go towards these other partners. 

thats how i can see it happening. do i think it WILL happen? its kind of unlikely. like 70% unlikely. but fuck man - what if i like, dont date at all? what if i just like hermit myself and hang out in my room and two, three years goes by and for whatever reason it comes up and i just like gave up on normality of life and this is it now. i dont know. right now i honeslty could not tell you if in five years i will be married or sucking dick to smoke weed. i cant even tell you that. 

but i have all of the power of the decision for that. i dont know what ill do but i have the power to decide. no one but me. like i already had a shitty family. and i dont have to accept another one. if i invest my time and love into this family ill only be shit on and dragged along. 

and listen. if youre going to make me apart of your family - if i have no choice because you refuse to let your love for me go then at some point you have to break the toxic cycle of abuse an hurt in a family line. nd for the sake of everyone before him and him and everyone after - the morally right decision is to stop it. its not right to be a third generation alcoholic. its not right to pass on molestation. it is not right to be so disrespectful and manipulative while knowing what youre saying is just bullshit. its just fanatastical bullshit. im sorry that some girl broke your heart so badly that youll never get over her to a point youre willing to pass on that same hurt to everone else you encounter. and then ask me to essentiallly do the same thing. i will be the one responsible member of your fucking family and stop this cycle. or atleast im not going to be apart of it. im not going to take my place in it. 

because my god i am so much better than this. i am bigger than this. i am more selfless and empathetic than this. and you know what? IVE DONE THE MOST AND GOTTEN NOTHING MORE THAN ONCE IN MY LIFE. and im NOT GIVING UP WHO I AM BECAUSE OF PIECES OF SHIT LIKE THIS. 

what i really hate the most about all of this is that it becomes so convoluted in the moment that later on i focus on these really stupid insiginifcant things that trap me in a mindset that any of it matters. 

like right now i’m thinking about the absolute contradiction and hypocrisy he absolutely refuses to address no matter how you approach it. in one breath he says he will have other people he will have other wives he will have a farm and in the next he says he doesnt know what he wants where he will be how he will end up and hes not disappointing me. he wont even see how at this point i dont even have the opportunity to be “a” wife. you cannot whole heartedly tell me a future plan but then tell me you have no future plans. you absolutely do. 

so what happens when he goes away? it takes him less than week on holiday to contact the next bitch consistently so in which way is it working on himself to be exposed to romantic situations you just left because it was all too much. 

i am actually actively working on being a better person even right now. like i want to do a lot of shitty things. i am and have been looking forward to the moment i can actively ignore his calls and messages. which is terrible. thats actually a really shitty thought to have even if the person “deserves” it. its not even like a deserving it retribution thing it should be that i just dont talk to him because i dont want to. not because i get a kick out of ignoring him. i dont want to steal the weed ill likely get from him but the chances of it happening seem higher than they should right now. and i dont want to feel okay about it.

i told him it was wrong to offer to be a credit card for weed while telling me that i needed to support myself.  there was no benefit for him to get me weed and leave and i understand being nice but why put me 400$ in debt before you leave while simultaneously telling me that i shouldve been paying for myself. 

he said it was “different”. i was “doing something for myself now”. as in these shows i started doing to have the money to  move with him but now i cant so i just have money i dont care about and spend on weed because i cant mesh my future goals to the person i wantt o spend my life with. its diferent now despite having always still paid him back but i guess since its not from my benefits its “real money” now. but do you see how im trapped? if i were to take it and not pay him back i’d become just another person who ripped him off. but the thing is i feel i could easily tell him that i care more about my own feelings right now and it makes me feel better to not pay him back. why not? if he can do it? 

he was right though. i afforded myself the ability to be completely cut off from everyone else to think clearly on my own and he doesnt have that. but i did that through trauma and fighting and like a fucking war where i sacrificed damn near everything that meant something to me. and i am thankful and grateful everyday. like i walked into my shitty ass stuffy smelly small ass room and sighed relief. like thank fucking god. thank god i live by myself. thank god i pay for myself. thank god no man is taking money in my name. and in two years without getting what i “wanted” (which was half the easy way out nd half pure love) i didnt just give in or find someone who would give me the easy way out. i strapped on my fucking boots nand trudged the trenches - again. i didnt need to do this. i absolutely in no way needed to do this but i did. 

and i get all the time in the fucking world to think about it. i dont get up for a 9 - 5 and participate in society - i choose how the fuck i want to live and i dont give a fuck if you dont like it because you didnt do what i did to even get here and here is not even fucking luxurious. its not even a real accomplishment to find yourself completely alone. its actually a sign of great stress, great tragedy. 

i told him today my fathers old saying. he would sit on our balcony on the weekends, smoking weed and drinking pepsi and vodka. and these were some of the most beautiful moments and memories i have of my father. honestly. but he would turn to me and say, “i wonder what the poor people are doing.” and id look at him like youre nuts, “we are the poor people, dad.”

but i fucking get it now. i didnt get it back then. i honestly thought my dad was delusional to think this life we lived was anything to gawk at. we lived paycheck to paycheck. we werent like roaches in our place poor but we were extremely tight for money. but this is a man who for 50+ years struggled on the streets and had to build his own life nd his own family and after all of this - after all the drugs and drinking nd partying and women and trauma and abuse and everything in between - he sat on his balcony with his fucking kid smoking his weed drinking his vodka. instead of fighting to live he was just kind of living at that moment. it took him 50 years but he was just living now. and it was better than fighting to live. so it wasnt that he was questioning what literally the “poor” people were doing. they were very much likely doing the same thing. but he didnt have to fight to get that money to get that weed to sit on that balcony and not have a worry. he wasnt worrying about rent. he didnt owrry about food. he was completely utterly content with just not fucking fighting anymore. and the “poor people” were the people poor in soul - those who were still fighting. and sometimes it was said in jest - like he was proud to overcome the struggles and others it was said empathetically like he was reminiscing on those times and really appreciating where he was now. 

and right now i feel i could say “i woner what the poor people are doing”. like my own evaluation on this - i am certainly poor. but my worries are few. ive come to terms for a lot of things.  for me, i’d say this not based in financial cares but that my mental health is not poor. because i fought really hard and sacrificed many things to get this. but i did not shit on other people to do it. i did not take away from other eoples lives and i wasnt a heavy burden. 

and now i have the time to properly look at what the world offers me. i dont have to take things out of desperation because i am not poor in my soul anymore. ive been very poor in the soul before and ive taken things out of desperation - its only been since late last year ive afforded myself moderate “stability”. and i know now the difference between obsessing on something and being focused. i, in fact, spend a lot of time with him as well but im just afforded more time alone. an obsession would carry through and id be thinking about it all the time but i dont. i allow these moments to toore deeply because i am not distracted and i choose not to distract myself with things that dont add to the solution. like im not going to cry and play video games or watch moves or tv shows to “forget about it”. you shouldnt forget about it. you should walk through it and feel it and every lesson it is teaching you. and it really hurts. i dont feel the need to self harm anymore because life honestly hurts enough now. 

he said, “you think youre so enlightened. you need to let go of your ego” i wish i was enlightened. and like the past six months i have been focused on an enligtenment but not to be enlightened. i have no goals of mastering spiritual planes and im not trying to be “beter” than my emotions. i am actually trying to let go of myself to such degrees that i understand the complexeties of emotions and thoughts which i and other people have no control over as human beings. its not me trying to make other people better. no one has to follow my path at all. i feel so assured constantly that what i am finding in my seeking of answers and questions is the right thing. it constantly proves itself to me. i dont need to believe in it anymore - it’s not “faith” or “higher powers”. it’s become nearly a science, as i practice and experiment with putting things out and accepting things in by frequently getting the same results with new thought patterns and concepts. i’m not like “if i think about getting this hard enough it will appear”. its a deeper empathy and understanding of what is happening around me to be able to control my own emotions and thoughts to have a better opportunity to find a sense of my own happiness and not add to the suffering of others. like its really important to me to not add to the suffering but i dont believe either that i have the capacity any longer to help those who are suffering. i am not a guru or spiritual leader, you know? i’m not a real caregiver. not anymore. more so by helping those who are sufferng i make it detrimental to myself which in turn likely adds to the suffering in ways im not seeing outright. 

and my attitude, you know? ive spent much time being severly depressed and i honestly feel maybe constantly a sense of depression so im not like overcome and recovered but it made me extremely negative in ways i can now identify in other people with similar depression issues. and it wasnt that this negativity made it “bad” for anyone else. i wasnt like a wet blanket to a positive experience. it was that my attitude left me wide open to be relatable to other extremely negative people which consistently “proved” how i felt about things to myself. and i would become bonded to extremely negative people that even once i began to see my own negativity, their extreme negativity was keeping me down and forcing me to address things i had already addressed times over with myself. but now i was arguing with a depression wall in someone else and i know what its like to be there and i know its absolutely futile and now i can see why i’m alone. i chose to be depressed. no. no i didnt. i chose to be negative. i didnt choose a depression. a depression is a natural emotion that everyone experiences but i chose to funnel that depression through extreme negativity and pessimisim. aand again because im alreay around people doing the same thing its really like a circle jerk of negativity more so than me personally bringing down someone else. but i chose to be apart of this and i chose to let these people influence my life and my daily thoughts. its not just this relationship - its friends as well. 

you can be depressed but once you become negative, you cant be helped. you have to chose not to be negative not to make yourself change your mind about being depressed. its not “fake it util you make it” its “Fake it to not detriment your recovery”. youre not convincing yourself that things are actually positive. they might actually still be negative. i can walk out my door and 14 shitty things will be there but if i tell someone all 14 shitty things thats the entirety of our fucking conversation and i missed the opportunity to have a real connection deeper than my negativity. 

even right now i decided not to be negative about this seemingly “crazy” act of obsessively focusing on something no one else will care about and being up at 1am typing it all out but i deserve this. i deserve a space with no fucking time limit, no interruptions, no profit on it - i deserve all the hours in the world to express myself because i fucking can. i cant say if anyone in the entire world “deserves” to have another person sit and listen to them ramble endlessly for several hours. but everyone deserves the space to do it even if no one is listening. even if its not an expert with a pad and paper compartmentalizing all your issues. 

its not that i want to be happy, i want to practice being less negative. not even like “be positive”. i would rather say nothing at all than spew negativity. i dont have to be positive but i dont have to be negative either. and this alone will open things up to me and people up to me tht i wasnt able to relate to before because theyre smart enough to stay away from such draining people. which only creates an even better influence in my life. 

i want music back in my life. i lack something when i chose a partner who doesnt have a musical talent of some kind. even if its like a deep love of music itself and they dont play an instrument. but a deep love. i want to dance in the living room. i want to sing at the top of my lungs. and i want to feel secure in doing this because thats who i actually am. its heartbreaking to spend so much time not being who i fully am. its not like im lieing. im just always holding back. i have capabilities but i dont want to share them because of the negativity around me. and its not just like insecurity - i am insecure but being in an environment of negativity only makes being insecure that much worse. i want to stay up until 4am discussing the hilarity of 80s hair metal and the intricacies of the keybords and organs in psychedelic rock and we spend hours back and forth “this is the best song of all time,” and its actually the best songs of all time and not some soundcloud rapper or pop singer. 

i want to wake up in the morning and the first thing he does is play music so i can sing along. i want him to send me songs throughout the day related to things we randomly talk about. i want him to love my love of music so much that i sing to make us happy. 

i want to be number one. everyone else who came before me have no lingering connection or meaning to them, there is no “great love” before me. there is no “if i had a chance,”. i am the number one pick and they wouldnt see themselves with anyone but me in the grand picture. im not expecting their dick to only work for me but i am expecting that i remain their first and foremost romantic thought. i will never be treated based on how someone else treated them. i will be treated exactly the way i deserve based on my actions towards them. i will not have someone treat me based on how they predict the future will happen for them. if i am faithful and loving and i am adding to our lives, i expect no insecurity, no lack of commitment because “some other girl cheated”. i will not be based on women before me. period. 

i want him to have an accepting loving family or no family at all (as cruel as it may sound). i mean fully outright accepting and loving with great support of him and myself and our choices as a couple. if i cant have that i’d rather him have no family at all than be put through the ringer of another two faced mother in law obliging her son to get his dick wet. his lack of family or choice not to be involved with them wont reflect on how i feel about him at all unless the circumstances are outrageous. 

i want money to be setn as a secondary to the relationship and i know this is a lofty want; i may compromise on it because its really hard not to fin someone who doesnt fear money or lack there of. but i want it to be seen as something our unit needs and our unit works on. i dont want to accept gifts or be paid for excessively - even if its offered. of course its on me to decline to set an example. but i dont want to accept them because it sets this precedence of them doing it out of habit and it is less of a unit “lets split a pizza” and more “im always buying dinner”. i dont want a partner who feels its a deal breaker to _not_ get that pizza because i dont have the money or dont want to spend it. they should be okay with going without a luxury for something less luxurious. the experience of life itself and our life together should be way more meaningful than going out for dinner. 

i want them to cook and clean equally as much as i do. no one is a handmaiden to anyone else. i want them to treat me right during sex - i am flexible and moldable, switchable and aim to please more often than not but i have no desire for it. 28 years old, fucked enough - no desire. i want them to know im here for them, i want them to get off on it and use me for it but know im here for them. not because im trying to get something for myself bu because im giving them something i could do without. 

they wont see our time together as time they “waste”. even if we’re laying in bed watchng netflix - they will love it as they love me. all of our time together is an investment into each other as people we love and adore. 

and its not going to be him. and im sad - clearly. im clearly upset. im upset like anyone would be for a break up and the end of something you wanted. of course, he tells me this isnt a break up - only i would consider it as such and would be making that decision. and that we ultimately dont work because he wants his “wives”. but we ultimately dont work because of all of the above that he doesnt begin to meet. maybe a bit of cooking and cleaning - my exs were terrible but its not good enough nor is it equal. he told me he wouldnt stop by here when he had to come back for a wedding in september because he thought any time we spent together here was not worth it. like just having time together itself isnt worth it. i must be giving something to him for him to care. 

i mean i have to really reflect myself on why i stayed with him and why i loved him. i find it very very very hard to describe or explain for all this time and im not sure if i was just hopeless romantic or if i refused to see things for what they were. do i still love him? why? why do i still love him? like im really thinking hard on it because my default response had alwasy been “hes nice to me”. which he is - hes very very very sweet and no one else has treated me with as much kindness as he has just like as a human being. like no one had ever been so affectionate and sweet. but thats not even enough. 

he told me that if / when ive decided to end this that i had to let him know. it was repeated multiple times that i had to let him know. and as i reflect now - it means nothing overall. ive read into thousands of things in my time and led myself in far off fantasy lands to be broken hearted because of my own stupidity. but i question why i have to let him know. why do i have to let him know? he has left the entire province, cut off accessible communication and plans to carry on fucking other people but i ave to let HIM know when i’m done and moved on? why? will you assume differently if i dont tell you otherwise? like do you think we’re “together” - how do you tell someone who youre not in a relationship with that youve moved on from the relationship you dont have? 

you know, its not about convincing myself about anything. i’ve accepted his departure to a point that i am debating on how i want to handle it. i’m not convincing myself that hes staying or come to a grand epiphany. its not going to be a grand epiphany. its goingto be shit that was sitting in front of him the entire time. it is completely asinine and delusional. it’s not like i’m going to go on a date with someone and suddenly decide fuck him never talk to me again - i will become disinterested in him. and he will know ive become disinterested. i wont even be sly about it, lets be real. so you either ignore what im doing up until the very point its crossed the line anyways and youre just getting a fucking random heads up that ive been seeing this person for weeks now or you realize im disinterested and stop communicating with me because its not my obligation to inform you when im going steady with someone else. why would i tell you i no longer am with you in a relationship i was never in with you? i dont have to actually tell you anything at all. 

and having this knowledge does what? how does it affect things for you? why is it something you need to know? you have no plans for me in your future other than “ill spend my life with you... later”. the plans remain exactly the same whether im fucking someone else or not. so why is it important? 

is it control? how can he control me with this information? if i have already disattached to a point i have to inform him of it, he’s become mostly powerless and this is simply knowledge for himself. 

its endearing. he does these endearing little things that make me feel different ways about things and i actually believe him at a face value but my _gut_ tells me something different. its not like im delusionally believing hes going to change his mind and we live happily ever after. from my own experience of him it coul take literally years for him to change his mind about even one part of it - my brain knows this. my gut is saying wow theres so many red flags here pointing towards this being a delusion hes carrying. 

like he is more in love with me than i be with him. he is constantly looking at me just to look at me, is constantly concerned with my well being and will immediately jump to help me if i need it. he has repeated several times that he is completely invested in me as someone in his life and he cannot stand to see me suffer or go without because he only feels good if i’m happy. im contantly asked, “are you a happy girl?” when hes able to buy me food and give me weed and seemingly present all the things i wanted. he calls me everyday, sometimes multiple times a day and then almost assumes outright i will come to his house which mkes me feel weird when theres days where i think maybe i could stay home but i feel wanted and its nice. he tells me that no one has ever treated him as good as i have, that i am constantly on his mind. and yes this comes with his moderate infidelities of which he obvious set up to not be infidelities. ive told him over and over again that when he slept with someone else, we’d “see what would happen” but the implication was that i’d likely no longer be with him and for two years, despite it being there, he chose not to. i dint make him do that. i didnt say like ill destroy you if you sleep with someone else. i just told him wht i would be doing with my own actions based on his actions. and it would be to stop being with him. 

my gut tells me there is both an honesty and dishonesty here. i believe he thinks he is being honest with himself when he says he is making a tough decision to better life for both of us. (of course, of course “what about the multiple wives”) i believe, in his mind, that the only thing that changes between us is the routine. he is not well enough to give security for anything about the future. he is grasping for straws and cannot see any light for all the shit piled on to him. to me, my gut - and my god could i ever be wrong. and ive never been so open and honest about the potential of me having egg on my face. honestly i could be so fucking wrong and it could go so opposite. i dont know. this is just my gut. my gut tells me that hving so much piled on without ever dealing or  making even an effort to see the light has left him in antiquated views - he is not actually anyone right now. he is not himself. he is an amalgamation of all the experiences he had up until now and his current life no longer reflects these ideals he once held in his early 20s but much rides on his ideals. like his whole ego and character rides on these ideals. so he is doing what he has known, what has been built for him by all these other things out of routine and straight out not knowing what the fuck else to do. hes not going to be a pleb but hes not going to live this fantastical life he thought he might at 21. 

i honestly dont believe the mulitple wives thing is the issue between us. there are several severalllll things he has said that really points towards having much deeper commitment issues and insecurities that were never addressed because he has to keep up with this character. it would be just as crazy to say, “im going away to try and rid myself of my multiple wives ideals” 

he said to me, “ive thought about bringing you with me - ive thought about it and was like wel what the fuck will she do once she gets there”, implying i hve no relative work skills to find a job. 

it shouldnt be that. it should be “i thought aout bringing you with me but multiple wives”.  every single thng should come down to “but multiple wives”. all of it. doesnt matter if i have a job or not. what im doing. doesnt matter. mulitple wives.

but here we are. “its not a break up, your only seeing it that way from your perspective and youre welcome to but thats your decision not mine”

“i’m going to spend the rest of my life with you. i have already committed myself to you. whether you are with me or not, i want you to be happy. i want to be with you, this doesnt change.” 

“i need the support. if i were in the military and went away for five months what would you do?”

BUT. MULTIPLE. WIVES. i realize now i am the logical one here. that i am logically chronically bringing up the fact that this brings an end to our relationship because it cannot continue the way it is long distance. and he is the one unwilling to actually let it go. i am almost asking to break up and to have him set a scenario where neither of us have to feel really shitty about it and he will not accept the break up as is. 

but multiple wives?

if i were 24... id put on the blinders. like im trying to tell myself in some way i wouldnt but i absolutely would. i’d be like fuck it im with you lets fucking hash out these however fucking many months cuz im gonna prove my fucking love to you. and id be like a hopeless romantic, completely fucking dedicated with hearts in my eyes like this was all going to work out amazing. 

but im 28 and not naive anymore so im at this crossroads where im being asked to do that but im world wear enough to know that u dont make any promises to someone who cant make them to you. 

but didnt he? through every single fight he has not once told me to leave. he has never told me he doesnt love me. ive literally only been told hes committed to me but because he has contradicted it through other statements and actions ive struggled and i was right to struggle. it would be a struggle. i am the one who brings up the potential of him meeting someone else and like every other possibility i bring up - he agrees it could happen. but i dont think it was necessarily his first thought. 

he said, “i’m not going to communicate with you every two hours like your friend expects her boyfriend to”. i exaggerated it to days and weeks, but we dont speak every two hours now. nor did we when he went away on holidays. when he went away on holidays he rarely was involved in my daily happenings. it is being a military wife but without the fucking pride of your partner saving lives. its like well today he would rather play video games for several hours and jack off than have a decent conversation with me. 

of course - i’m literally putting this on him quite like how he puts it on me tht i would be a bum if i went with him. we become so hurt in these moments that i definitely begin to passive aggressively jab at him which causes him to become defensive. our fights dont start the way they end but theyre stil about the same topic. 

as an experiment, i sort of want to lie to him .. multiple times. like take advantage of this scenario where the chances of breaking their trust is pretty high but the chances of it not working out anyways are probably higher so i could just like.. life experiment. no one will die. i will be a shittier person for it. someone will know im a shitty person. and ill have to live with it. i will have probably deeply hurt them in a way that affects how they act with others later. of course if they find out that is which .. terrible. very terrible. i know right and wrong. 

but id first like to lie about having a job. this would be something id do casually. i wouldnt make ike a huge elaborate lie with characters involved and like storylines of my great success. i would simply say i got a job. and if he asked me about it i would tell him i dont want to talk about it. not because its illicit or anthing, but because its undefining to me. it means nothing and changes absolutely nothing at all. i will seemingly be less available. i will seemingly have “more money”. i would like to see what the response is and the ongoing reaction to it. would he not care at all or would he keep trying to ask me about it? would it change his opinion of me? would i be treated differently? although this is a shitty lie its not that i’m trying to trick him; i would always work to be with him if i were with him. but im not so i dont. sorry not sorry. my benefits affect you not at all and i have a place to live and food to eat so chill?  i just want to know what would change. i wantt o know maybe is it worth it to actually have a job because his attitude changes in such a way that it seems like im stable or secure. if he questioned why it came now  when he was gone... i dont know. i had other opportunities. i dont want to talk about it, it doesnt reflect anything on your life now. 

id then like to lie about seeing other people. play through that scenario. tell him, whether i did or not, that i had been seeing someone for the past few weeks and we’re together now. he’d likely tell me he was happy for me and keep whatever disappointment to himself. id like to, if i had the balls, really lay into it. “i’m not your girl anymore. i’m not your property. i’m just not yours anymore and i’m not going to be shared.” because thats what it is. thats really what it is. i coul sugar coat it, “ive been seeing someone else” but it translates to the fact im not yours anymore. 

of course it’d all be such cruel irony that it comes to be that hes not wht he thought he was and im actually way worse than i thought i was and showed my own ass. i also want to not pay him back the money i currently owe him and whatever i may owe him in the future if he buys me more weed. who knows if he actually will right now. i think if he still does its a sign that i shoulnt be a piece of shit and lie or steal because its a commitment and dedication even with this frustration right now. 

i want to act as though he has already left before he leaves. i dont really want to see him before he leaves. this is my selfish act, i suppose. if youre gone, youre gone. i dont want to play house for three days and smile and wave as you drive away. thats not who i am and i deserve different.  it doesnt correlate with his vision that we’re still together very much but im just so upset and frustrated. and if im not being negatie and i dont have to be positive i want to be nothing at all in his life right now. neither negative or positive. im not going to support you the way you want on this so im not going to be there for it and make it harder on you. 

im actually pretty stoked not to see his mother anymore. honestly. shes very two faced to me now and ive lost any respect i had left for her. ive found it hard to treat her nicely and she is a reminder of a part of society that im not a fan of and wont be involved with. not only has he been detrimental, but she has been as well - telling me to my face outright that i had no friends outside of her son when i had a dozen more i saw regularly. thats not support or care or lifting someone up in any way. this is belittle and degrading them until they “break” and “come to your side”. i really appreciated that she was willing to “take me in” for what its worth but it was never anything that wouldve catapulted me to any where from where i am. but they felt they had given sooo much help to me nd that it all should be life changing because i have dinner with them. 

i am not even anxious or sad about the time im about to spend alone. and its going to be alot of time. im going to be too bitter for the first bit to be proactive in much of anything and i will take the time to be bitter. but ive learned to fill my days and as he fades more into the distance i think i will itch for something - anything - to look for in my future and ill make something for myself. 

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The shorter your sleep, the shorter your life: the new sleep science

Leading neuroscientist Matthew Walker on why sleep deprivation is increasing our risk of cancer, heart attack and Alzheimers and what you can do about it

Matthew Walker has learned to dread the question What do you do? At parties, it signals the end of his evening; thereafter, his new acquaintance will inevitably cling to him like ivy. On an aeroplane, it usually means that while everyone else watches movies or reads a thriller, he will find himself running an hours-long salon for the benefit of passengers and crew alike. Ive begun to lie, he says. Seriously. I just tell people Im a dolphin trainer. Its better for everyone.

Walker is a sleep scientist. To be specific, he is the director of the Center for Human Sleep Science at the University of California, Berkeley, a research institute whose goal possibly unachievable is to understand everything about sleeps impact on us, from birth to death, in sickness and health. No wonder, then, that people long for his counsel. As the line between work and leisure grows ever more blurred, rare is the person who doesnt worry about their sleep. But even as we contemplate the shadows beneath our eyes, most of us dont know the half of it and perhaps this is the real reason he has stopped telling strangers how he makes his living. When Walker talks about sleep he cant, in all conscience, limit himself to whispering comforting nothings about camomile tea and warm baths. Its his conviction that we are in the midst of a catastrophic sleep-loss epidemic, the consequences of which are far graver than any of us could imagine. This situation, he believes, is only likely to change if government gets involved.

Walker has spent the last four and a half years writing Why We Sleep, a complex but urgent book that examines the effects of this epidemic close up, the idea being that once people know of the powerful links between sleep loss and, among other things, Alzheimers disease, cancer, diabetes, obesity and poor mental health, they will try harder to get the recommended eight hours a night (sleep deprivation, amazing as this may sound to Donald Trump types, constitutes anything less than seven hours). But, in the end, the individual can achieve only so much. Walker wants major institutions and law-makers to take up his ideas, too. No aspect of our biology is left unscathed by sleep deprivation, he says. It sinks down into every possible nook and cranny. And yet no one is doing anything about it. Things have to change: in the workplace and our communities, our homes and families. But when did you ever see an NHS poster urging sleep on people? When did a doctor prescribe, not sleeping pills, but sleep itself? It needs to be prioritised, even incentivised. Sleep loss costs the UK economy over 30bn a year in lost revenue, or 2% of GDP. I could double the NHS budget if only they would institute policies to mandate or powerfully encourage sleep.

Why, exactly, are we so sleep-deprived? What has happened over the course of the last 75 years? In 1942, less than 8% of the population was trying to survive on six hours or less sleep a night; in 2017, almost one in two people is. The reasons are seemingly obvious. First, we electrified the night, Walker says. Light is a profound degrader of our sleep. Second, there is the issue of work: not only the porous borders between when you start and finish, but longer commuter times, too. No one wants to give up time with their family or entertainment, so they give up sleep instead. And anxiety plays a part. Were a lonelier, more depressed society. Alcohol and caffeine are more widely available. All these are the enemies of sleep.

But Walker believes, too, that in the developed world sleep is strongly associated with weakness, even shame. We have stigmatised sleep with the label of laziness. We want to seem busy, and one way we express that is by proclaiming how little sleep were getting. Its a badge of honour. When I give lectures, people will wait behind until there is no one around and then tell me quietly: I seem to be one of those people who need eight or nine hours sleep. Its embarrassing to say it in public. They would rather wait 45 minutes for the confessional. Theyre convinced that theyre abnormal, and why wouldnt they be? We chastise people for sleeping what are, after all, only sufficient amounts. We think of them as slothful. No one would look at an infant baby asleep, and say What a lazy baby! We know sleeping is non-negotiable for a baby. But that notion is quickly abandoned [as we grow up]. Humans are the only species that deliberately deprive themselves of sleep for no apparent reason. In case youre wondering, the number of people who can survive on five hours of sleep or less without any impairment, expressed as a percent of the population and rounded to a whole number, is zero.

The world of sleep science is still relatively small. But it is growing exponentially, thanks both to demand (the multifarious and growing pressures caused by the epidemic) and to new technology (such as electrical and magnetic brain stimulators), which enables researchers to have what Walker describes as VIP access to the sleeping brain. Walker, who is 44 and was born in Liverpool, has been in the field for more than 20 years, having published his first research paper at the age of just 21. I would love to tell you that I was fascinated by conscious states from childhood, he says. But in truth, it was accidental. He started out studying for a medical degree in Nottingham. But having discovered that doctoring wasnt for him he was more enthralled by questions than by answers he switched to neuroscience, and after graduation, began a PhD in neurophysiology supported by the Medical Research Council. It was while working on this that he stumbled into the realm of sleep.

Matthew Walker photographed in his sleep lab. Photograph: Saroyan Humphrey for the Observer

I was looking at the brainwave patterns of people with different forms of dementia, but I was failing miserably at finding any difference between them, he recalls now. One night, however, he read a scientific paper that changed everything. It described which parts of the brain were being attacked by these different types of dementia: Some were attacking parts of the brain that had to do with controlled sleep, while other types left those sleep centres unaffected. I realised my mistake. I had been measuring the brainwave activity of my patients while they were awake, when I should have been doing so while they were asleep. Over the next six months, Walker taught himself how to set up a sleep laboratory and, sure enough, the recordings he made in it subsequently spoke loudly of a clear difference between patients. Sleep, it seemed, could be a new early diagnostic litmus test for different subtypes of dementia.

After this, sleep became his obsession. Only then did I ask: what is this thing called sleep, and what does it do? I was always curious, annoyingly so, but when I started to read about sleep, I would look up and hours would have gone by. No one could answer the simple question: why do we sleep? That seemed to me to be the greatest scientific mystery. I was going to attack it, and I was going to do that in two years. But I was naive. I didnt realise that some of the greatest scientific minds had been trying to do the same thing for their entire careers. That was two decades ago, and Im still cracking away. After gaining his doctorate, he moved to the US. Formerly a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, he is now professor of neuroscience and psychology at the University of California.

Does his obsession extend to the bedroom? Does he take his own advice when it comes to sleep? Yes. I give myself a non-negotiable eight-hour sleep opportunity every night, and I keep very regular hours: if there is one thing I tell people, its to go to bed and to wake up at the same time every day, no matter what. I take my sleep incredibly seriously because I have seen the evidence. Once you know that after just one night of only four or five hours sleep, your natural killer cells the ones that attack the cancer cells that appear in your body every day drop by 70%, or that a lack of sleep is linked to cancer of the bowel, prostate and breast, or even just that the World Health Organisation has classed any form of night-time shift work as a probable carcinogen, how could you do anything else?

There is, however, a sting in the tale. Should his eyelids fail to close, Walker admits that he can be a touch Woody Allen-neurotic. When, for instance, he came to London over the summer, he found himself jet-lagged and wide awake in his hotel room at two oclock in the morning. His problem then, as always in these situations, was that he knew too much. His brain began to race. I thought: my orexin isnt being turned off, the sensory gate of my thalamus is wedged open, my dorsolateral prefrontal cortex wont shut down, and my melatonin surge wont happen for another seven hours. What did he do? In the end, it seems, even world experts in sleep act just like the rest of us when struck by the curse of insomnia. He turned on a light and read for a while.

Will Why We Sleep have the impact its author hopes? Im not sure: the science bits, it must be said, require some concentration. But what I can tell you is that it had a powerful effect on me. After reading it, I was absolutely determined to go to bed earlier a regime to which I am sticking determinedly. In a way, I was prepared for this. I first encountered Walker some months ago, when he spoke at an event at Somerset House in London, and he struck me then as both passionate and convincing (our later interview takes place via Skype from the basement of his sleep centre, a spot which, with its bedrooms off a long corridor, apparently resembles the ward of a private hospital). But in another way, it was unexpected. I am mostly immune to health advice. Inside my head, there is always a voice that says just enjoy life while it lasts.

The evidence Walker presents, however, is enough to send anyone early to bed. Its no kind of choice at all. Without sleep, there is low energy and disease. With sleep, there is vitality and health. More than 20 large scale epidemiological studies all report the same clear relationship: the shorter your sleep, the shorter your life. To take just one example, adults aged 45 years or older who sleep less than six hours a night are 200% more likely to have a heart attack or stroke in their lifetime, as compared with those sleeping seven or eight hours a night (part of the reason for this has to do with blood pressure: even just one night of modest sleep reduction will speed the rate of a persons heart, hour upon hour, and significantly increase their blood pressure).

A lack of sleep also appears to hijack the bodys effective control of blood sugar, the cells of the sleep-deprived appearing, in experiments, to become less responsive to insulin, and thus to cause a prediabetic state of hyperglycaemia. When your sleep becomes short, moreover, you are susceptible to weight gain. Among the reasons for this are the fact that inadequate sleep decreases levels of the satiety-signalling hormone, leptin, and increases levels of the hunger-signalling hormone, ghrelin. Im not going to say that the obesity crisis is caused by the sleep-loss epidemic alone, says Walker. Its not. However, processed food and sedentary lifestyles do not adequately explain its rise. Something is missing. Its now clear that sleep is that third ingredient. Tiredness, of course, also affects motivation.

Sleep has a powerful effect on the immune system, which is why, when we have flu, our first instinct is to go to bed: our body is trying to sleep itself well. Reduce sleep even for a single night, and your resilience is drastically reduced. If you are tired, you are more likely to catch a cold. The well-rested also respond better to the flu vaccine. As Walker has already said, more gravely, studies show that short sleep can affect our cancer-fighting immune cells. A number of epidemiological studies have reported that night-time shift work and the disruption to circadian sleep and rhythms that it causes increase the odds of developing cancers including breast, prostate, endometrium and colon.

Getting too little sleep across the adult lifespan will significantly raise your risk of developing Alzheimers disease. The reasons for this are difficult to summarise, but in essence it has to do with the amyloid deposits (a toxin protein) that accumulate in the brains of those suffering from the disease, killing the surrounding cells. During deep sleep, such deposits are effectively cleaned from the brain. What occurs in an Alzheimers patient is a kind of vicious circle. Without sufficient sleep, these plaques build up, especially in the brains deep-sleep-generating regions, attacking and degrading them. The loss of deep sleep caused by this assault therefore lessens our ability to remove them from the brain at night. More amyloid, less deep sleep; less deep sleep, more amyloid, and so on. (In his book, Walker notes unscientifically that he has always found it curious that Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan, both of whom were vocal about how little sleep they needed, both went on to develop the disease; it is, moreover, a myth that older adults need less sleep.) Away from dementia, sleep aids our ability to make new memories, and restores our capacity for learning.

And then there is sleeps effect on mental health. When your mother told you that everything would look better in the morning, she was wise. Walkers book includes a long section on dreams (which, says Walker, contrary to Dr Freud, cannot be analysed). Here he details the various ways in which the dream state connects to creativity. He also suggests that dreaming is a soothing balm. If we sleep to remember (see above), then we also sleep to forget. Deep sleep the part when we begin to dream is a therapeutic state during which we cast off the emotional charge of our experiences, making them easier to bear. Sleep, or a lack of it, also affects our mood more generally. Brain scans carried out by Walker revealed a 60% amplification in the reactivity of the amygdala a key spot for triggering anger and rage in those who were sleep-deprived. In children, sleeplessness has been linked to aggression and bullying; in adolescents, to suicidal thoughts. Insufficient sleep is also associated with relapse in addiction disorders. A prevailing view in psychiatry is that mental disorders cause sleep disruption. But Walker believes it is, in fact, a two-way street. Regulated sleep can improve the health of, for instance, those with bipolar disorder.

Ive mentioned deep sleep in this (too brief) summary several times. What is it, exactly? We sleep in 90-minute cycles, and its only towards the end of each one of these that we go into deep sleep. Each cycle comprises two kinds of sleep. First, there is NREM sleep (non-rapid eye movement sleep); this is then followed by REM (rapid eye movement) sleep. When Walker talks about these cycles, which still have their mysteries, his voice changes. He sounds bewitched, almost dazed.

During NREM sleep, your brain goes into this incredible synchronised pattern of rhythmic chanting, he says. Theres a remarkable unity across the surface of the brain, like a deep, slow mantra. Researchers were once fooled that this state was similar to a coma. But nothing could be further from the truth. Vast amounts of memory processing is going on. To produce these brainwaves, hundreds of thousands of cells all sing together, and then go silent, and on and on. Meanwhile, your body settles into this lovely low state of energy, the best blood-pressure medicine you could ever hope for. REM sleep, on the other hand, is sometimes known as paradoxical sleep, because the brain patterns are identical to when youre awake. Its an incredibly active brain state. Your heart and nervous system go through spurts of activity: were still not exactly sure why.

Does the 90-minute cycle mean that so-called power naps are worthless? They can take the edge off basic sleepiness. But you need 90 minutes to get to deep sleep, and one cycle isnt enough to do all the work. You need four or five cycles to get all the benefit. Is it possible to have too much sleep? This is unclear. There is no good evidence at the moment. But I do think 14 hours is too much. Too much water can kill you, and too much food, and I think ultimately the same will prove to be true for sleep. How is it possible to tell if a person is sleep-deprived? Walker thinks we should trust our instincts. Those who would sleep on if their alarm clock was turned off are simply not getting enough. Ditto those who need caffeine in the afternoon to stay awake. I see it all the time, he says. I get on a flight at 10am when people should be at peak alert, and I look around, and half of the plane has immediately fallen asleep.

So what can the individual do? First, they should avoid pulling all-nighters, at their desks or on the dancefloor. After being awake for 19 hours, youre as cognitively impaired as someone who is drunk. Second, they should start thinking about sleep as a kind of work, like going to the gym (with the key difference that it is both free and, if youre me, enjoyable). People use alarms to wake up, Walker says. So why dont we have a bedtime alarm to tell us weve got half an hour, that we should start cycling down? We should start thinking of midnight more in terms of its original meaning: as the middle of the night. Schools should consider later starts for students; such delays correlate with improved IQs. Companies should think about rewarding sleep. Productivity will rise, and motivation, creativity and even levels of honesty will be improved. Sleep can be measured using tracking devices, and some far-sighted companies in the US already give employees time off if they clock enough of it. Sleeping pills, by the way, are to be avoided. Among other things, they can have a deleterious effect on memory.

Those who are focused on so-called clean sleep are determined to outlaw mobiles and computers from the bedroom and quite right, too, given the effect of LED-emitting devices on melatonin, the sleep-inducing hormone. Ultimately, though, Walker believes that technology will be sleeps saviour. There is going to be a revolution in the quantified self in industrial nations, he says. We will know everything about our bodies from one day to the next in high fidelity. That will be a seismic shift, and we will then start to develop methods by which we can amplify different components of human sleep, and do that from the bedside. Sleep will come to be seen as a preventive medicine.

What questions does Walker still most want to answer? For a while, he is quiet. Its so difficult, he says, with a sigh. There are so many. I would still like to know where we go, psychologically and physiologically, when we dream. Dreaming is the second state of human consciousness, and we have only scratched the surface so far. But I would also like to find out when sleep emerged. I like to posit a ridiculous theory, which is: perhaps sleep did not evolve. Perhaps it was the thing from which wakefulness emerged. He laughs. If I could have some kind of medical Tardis and go back in time to look at that, well, I would sleep better at night.

Why We Sleep: The New Science of Sleep and Dreamsby Matthew Walker is published by Allen Lane (20). To order a copy for 17 go toguardianbookshop.com or call 0330 333 6846. Free UK p&p over 10, online orders only. Phone orders min p&p of 1.99

Sleep in numbers

Two-thirds of adults in developed nations fail to obtain the nightly eight hours of sleep recommended by the World Health Organisation.

An adult sleeping only 6.75 hours a night would be predicted to live only to their early 60s without medical intervention.

A 2013 study reported that men who slept too little had a sperm count 29% lower than those who regularly get a full and restful nights sleep.

If you drive a car when you have had less than five hours sleep, you are 4.3 times more likely to be involved in a crash. If you drive having had four hours, you are 11.5 times more likely to be involved in an accident.

A hot bath aids sleep not because it makes you warm, but because your dilated blood vessels radiate inner heat, and your core body temperature drops. To successfully initiate sleep, your core temperature needs to drop about 1C.

The time taken to reach physical exhaustion by athletes who obtain anything less than eight hours of sleep, and especially less than six hours, drops by 10-30%.

There are now more than 100 diagnosed sleep disorders, of which insomnia is the mostcommon.

Morning types, who prefer to awake at or around dawn, make up about 40% of the population. Evening types, who prefer to go to bed late and wake up late, account for about 30%. The remaining 30% lie somewhere in between.

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[topsolarpanels]

Encyclopaedia Westerosa: the biggest Game of Thrones mysteries, solved

How big is Westeros? What is wildfire? And how rich are the Lannisters? Ten things you didnt know about the biggest show in the world

Warning: this piece contains spoilers for seasons 1-5 of Game of Thrones .

When George RR Martins stabby saga was adapted for TV in 2011, perhaps the biggest topic surrounding it was: why would any self-respecting adult watch a fantasy series about dragons, zombies and sorcery? Well, six seasons in, the folly of that way of thinking has been exposed like a member of the Nights Watch trapped north of the Wall. Game of Thrones is now a global preoccupation.

Much of that success is down to the detailed world created by Martin and brought to vivid and sometimes visceral life on the demonstrate. From the frozen north to the intrigue-filled chambers of Kings Landing, Westeros is a place steeped in mythos and mystery, familiar yet so alien. Even now, theres still so much we dont know about the place, so many questions that need answering. But while youve already read 713 blogs about whether or not Jon Snow has carked it, there are deeper mysteries about Game of Thrones that have never been properly addressed. Ahead of the proves season six premiere, we get to grips with Westeross biggest hows, whys and whats. Answers are coming …

Why is a White Walker able to walk ?

All white on the night. Photograph: Allstar

The blue-eyed ghouls in dire need of a dermatologist definitely have the appearance of being dead all exposed skeletons and rotted bits but are they? And, if so, how is it that they can move around and stab things in the face? It is possible to stimulate nerve and muscle electrically and cause it to contract even when isolated from the body, says Dr Matthew James Mason, university physiologist at Cambridge. If the brain dies that doesnt mean that all the other tissue of the body immediately dies, too. But, despite their appearance, White Walker arent mindless zombies, so brain death cant have resulted. My guess is that they arent dead at all, says Mason. If they look like they are decay, perhaps their immune system is compromised. Are they just frost, scurvy-ridden wretches in need of a hug? They probably require medical help and sympathy, argues Mason. Poor sods. The next time you assure one, then, perhaps chuck it an orange and a coat and dont be so quick to judge, yeah? LH

How rich are the Lannisters ?

Warriors Dance: Tywin Lannister. Photograph: HBO

They fund wars, boast one hell of a property portfolio and own actual gold mine. If a Lannister always pays their indebtedness, it can be safely assumed theyve got a few quid in the kitty. Dr Charles Insley, senior lecturer in medieval history at the University of Manchester, guesses drawing a parallel with a real-life example may be the key to finding out how many. Richard Neville[ 1428 -1 471] was the richest peer in England on his death, says Insley. Nevilles sister Cicely was also married to Richard, Duke of York, and it was the collective wealth and therefore capability to buy subsistence that constructed the Neville/ York confederation so dangerous. The Nevilles are likely to be worth more than the crown. All sounds very Lannisterian, right? But come on how rich would the Nevilles/ Lannisters be in todays fund? Billions?$ 2bn doesnt seem too little, I suppose. So, the most influential family in Westeros is only half as wealthy as Donald Trump? Thats not fretting at all. LH

Is it really possible for winter to last a generation ?

Snow help at all. Photograph: Helen Sloan/ HBO

House Starks ominous catchphrase winter is going is partly a callback to an extended cold snap 8,000 years ago when White Walker had the run of Westeros. How could one winter last 100 years? Scientific theories include the planet wobbling on its axis or having an eccentric orbit; writer George RR Martin himself says its only down to sorcery. In our world, there is a( comparatively) recent precedent a 70 -year Little Ice Age spanning the 17 th and 18 th centuries that refrigerated western Europe. It went on for several decades, crops failed, the Thames froze over, explains Professor Jim Wild, space physicist at Lancaster University. Research presents it also coincided with a period of unusually low sunspot activity. Less solar energy can have a major consequence on climate patterns. If winter is coming again the poor serf of the north should start saving up for a package vacation to Dorne. If I saw myself in that situation, Id start heading south, says Wild. It should be a bit warmer nearer the equator. GV

What is it with all the castrating ?

Conleth Hill as Varys and Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lannister. Photograph: HBO

Daenerys Targaryens army of Unsullied soldiers are upper-class warriors who were castrated in infancy that are intended to attain them more focused, loyal and fearless. But is this really what happens when your tackle is chopped off? Dr Shaun Tougher, reader in ancient history at Cardiff University, is sceptical. We do assure the idea that eunuchs are chaste and loyal, but we also assure the inverse: that theyre tormented and frustrated. Eunuch soldiers arent at all common in history, but the idea of eunuch generals is quite prevalent theres a very famous Byzantine eunuch general called Narses in the 6th century AD. Because of their status as luxury objects, many eunuchs who originated in the slave trade ended up serving at court, like wily manipulator Varys. Varys is in some ways the archetypal court eunuch. Although I was quite surprised when it was revealed that his castration was done by a sorcerer. Seems like the notion of using a mans lunchbox for sorcery purposes is a pure cock-and-balls narrative. SR

Could person genuinely become a dragons mother ?

Dragons den. Photograph: HBO

From the ashes of a Dothraki funeral pyre, Daenerys Targaryen emerged with three ferociously loyal newborn dragons hanging off her. In the real world, newborn lizards are genetically hardwired to be much more independent. Weve hatched dragon eggs here, explains Matt Cook, lead keeper at Chester Zoo, currently home to six Komodo dragons. But if you were to try and approach them, they would attack you rather than snuggle your hair. Theyre intelligent but they have to be selfish because its genuinely the only way to survive. They may never truly love you but it is possible to develop your dragon. Daenerys hollers Dracarys! when she wants some barbecuing done but Cook favor a system that involves a traffic cone, a audio clicker and a tiny meaty reward to wrangle his charges. They tolerate humans, genuinely, he says. Once they get to a certain size, they know theyre the upper part of the food chain so they can be quite arrogant; they think theyre untouchable. But they can also be very chilled. Khaleesi does it. GV

How long would it take to build the Wall ?

High and fighty: The Wall. Photograph: HBO

482 kilometres long. 213 metres high. 91 metres thick. In reality, a wall of this size constructed entirely of ice would collapse under its own weight. But this is Westeros, a world where dragons roam and Little Fingers accent is never questioned, so lets crunch some numbers. Its estimated that when building the Great Pyramid, a workforce of, on average, 14,567 people running 10 -hour days laid around 180 blocks per hour. Now, if the ice bricks making up The Wall are a metre squared, it would contain in the region of 9,342, 606,000( thats 213 x 91 x 482,000, maths fans ). At a sensible-sounding 180 blocks laid per minute, it would take the same workforce 51,903, 367 hours to construct The Wall. Thats 5,921 years. So, we have to assume Brandon the Builder who legend has it enlisted the help of giants had a much larger workforce than this. Even with 100 times the pyramids workforce, 14,567, 000 employees, it would take over 59 years to build. All sounds like a little bit of a faff, genuinely. LH

Why is the Seven Kingdoms in debt ?

A loan in the dark: Jamie and Cersei Lannister. Photograph: HBO

A costly five-way civil war has forced the Seven Kingdoms to go cap in hand to the Iron Bank Of Braavos. Dr James Davis, senior lecturer in medieval history at Queens University Belfast, watches a parallel with Edward III, who borrowed heavily from Italian banks. But he was a step ahead of the Lannister dynasty. Edward III was quite canny: at the same as fighting a war he was developing parliament to extract more taxation without too much unrest. At the heart of every medieval king, whatever their aspirations, it was always about where you could get the money. Davis suggests that the Seven Kingdoms needs to abandon its feudalist structures and fast. There isnt much sign of development of trade and industry. It absence stable laws that would allow entrepreneurism to emerge. Otherwise a peasants revolt is a possibility only around the corner: In a real society, thered be more riots. SR

Whats my best opportunity of beating The Mountain in a duel ?

Fight the power: Hafthr Jlus Bjrnsson, left, as Gregor The Mountain Clegane. Photograph: Alamy

Even in Westeros, a land not exactly lacking in murderous mercenaries, Gregor The Mountain Clegane is a lethal legend. So how would a layman go about tackling him in a trial by combat? Martin Oz Austwick is the founder of the English Martial Arts Academy, offering class in historical European swordsmanship. His strategy? Like the Red Viper, choose a long weapon to try to match the range of the Mountains terrifying greatsword: A spear would be good, although Id personally favor a quarterstaff. Also, forgo armour to allow yourself greater mobility and focus on injuring Cleganes massive hands: if he cant wield his weapon, he cant cleave you in twain with it. One debate in our community is whether targeting hands is an acceptable technique, says Austwick. It might seem dishonourable but against the Mountain, doing the British thing and being polite would be your undoing. So my advice would be to fight as dirty as you can. GV

How big is Westeros ?

In continents: one of Game of Thrones filming locations. Photograph: Alamy

George RR Martin has stated that Westeros is roughly the size of South America, which would make sense for a continent with climates that range from the frozen wastes north of the Wall to the balmy water gardens of Dorne in the south. Utilizing measurements given in the series, the width of Westeros is calculated to be around 3,000 miles the distance from the tip of Norway to the Red Sea and with a population of 20 -4 0 million. The topography stimulates sense for the most part, reckons Simon Willcocks of Ordnance Surveys consultancy and technical services squad. All kinds of stuff from deserts to river deltas, marshy bog, mountain passes, but nothing outlandish. But if Westeros is so big, how come the main characters manage to keep bumping into each other? Its a very long and narrow continent with few roads and river intersects, reasons Willcocks. As for Essos, a continent that Varys seems to traverse at will but that has taken Daenerys at the least five series to cross well, thats for another day. SR

What is wildfire ?

Burning down the House: Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lannister.

Joffreys victory at the Battle of Blackwater Bay during which the king-youd-love-to-slaps forces defended Kings Landing from Stannis Baratheon owed largely to Tyrion Lannisters procurement of an explosive known as wildfire. The resultant blue-green flames tore through Stanniss fleet like a longsword through the back of Ned Starks neck. But what the blaze is it? Dr Richard Henchman, senior lecturer in theoretical chemistry at the University of Manchester, draws comparisons to the historical episode of Archimedess fire to destroy Roman ships, which utilized mirrors to focus the sunlight rays into deadly beams. It is also similar to Greek flame, a Byzantine weapon able to burn on water, reminiscent of a crude kind of napalm. From a compositional standpoint, though, wildfires colouring suggest a copper compound. Perhaps what we have is a copper oxide/ magnesium thermite? It looks like sorcery to me, says Henchman. Oh. Never mind then. LH

Game of Thrones Season 6 starts 2am, Sunday 24 April and repeats 9pm, Monday 25 April on Sky Atlantic

This article was amended on the 15 th April to country the workforce necessary to build the wall in 59 years is 100 times that used to build The Great Pyramid , not 10

Read more: www.theguardian.com

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[redpandajournal]

the-sis

I’m narrating ideas here because i’m kinda desperate lol

seein my peers poking their thesis with startup topics, i almost thought of doing the same with that but because i am so afraid of being attacked i chose a suicide topic 

 computer vision image matching  navigation aid for the visually impaired

-i really dont know what project should i do , 

do i have to went through with computer vision , correct rephrasing : CAN I build things with opencv, with potato PC right and equally potato laptop , i havent code anything meaningful like in almost 2 years ?

tried to build a simple contour detection program in c# but the emgu library cannot wrap from opencv dll, so they cannot initialize anything 

i lost my sleep setting up lib, i gave up upon realizing that my 64 bit machine apparently HATES C# external libraries

i really dont understand if is it because of the visual studio ,because vc# is 32 bit tho ,i have set project properties to any cpu , and the libraries are also ?!! i ended up moving on to build this in java and i just realized today that my potato pc/laptop cant really handle android studio + opencv heavyweight

-i’m totes noob in java and this opencv, i will definitely cry 

im upgrading my ram to 16 gb in saturday hoping that would be okay 

regarding open cv itself , i am most afraid with memory allocation because no specific field’s of the navigation gonna stand the sorting like log n2 (as my lecturer said) my mathematical comprehension is weak

i can’t even handle the simplest one ,in 1-2nd semester  i used to malloc all the time because i dont care about its survival as long its working lmao

SURF algorithm is mathematically depressing

want to do cool data mining research and digging but mathematical game isnt strong , and i aint talking to another company to beg for big data which i know , they gonn be “whattt is this inexperienced brat wants to do with our junk

regarding building applications ,there was an unwanted trauma 

A project that was supposed to be presented to high school students went downhill because windows went bsod and all arrays went null in a solution , 4 hours before it has to go 

WHY IDIDNT LEARN GIT UGHH

here is some back up plan if that visual impaired app scenario didnt work ,the idea’s came from complaining in my head lol ?

i thought of making volunteer application

for poor b**** students who have to BEG for SAT points in order to graduate , like why do you tell me that i have to do 30 social hours RIGHT BEFORE i;m finishing my last semester,do you want me to extend my stay here that much until 9th semester just to fulfill that  quota for no reason (other than screwing me over? paying another 800 $?  for goddamn nothing son), i’d want to call indorelawan or something, like building applications that makes them easier to recruit volunteers ,and for us to acknowledge these ‘job’ opportunities and have a decent countdown of our requirements

 i hope i can redeem these 30 social hours by doing this, we kinda have no aid in joining social activities , some of us have jobs to do and it;s not like we dont care for the causes , but really we prefer to do it without being forced. dont be surprised if in the end it’s not the empathy you’re reaping from this system but blatant resentment in me instead

Empathy for myself ideas:

I wanna track the outlaws who tried to run me over when i’m walking in pedestrian line; why abang abang motor nyawa saya cuma 1

I still want to build a pretentious a e s t h e t i c profile of my self on the internet with fancy ass parallax because inside i am just a pretentious artist wannabe that is somehow walked in this questionable path 

I want to detect busy hours for traffic schedule , specifically public transportation because i don’t like being pushed around by these ibu2s who wants me dead every time :)

please correct the traffic lights , i almost died when crossing the greenlight because ANOTHER green light from that other side is also shining

build paintchat boards , i swear i miss these, the emergence of online boards for drawing together, even not optimized after 12 years r u kidding me

runover those outlaws

[somedaypast-thesunset]

this was a really confusing shitty moment for me in my life, to be honest. 

i feel kind of vindicated but i dont? it’s really hard to seperate some of what he’s saying and maybe its just really hard to accept “it is what it is”. 

i dont feel like he loves me but i have the freedom to “feel like” he loves me while finding someone who does actually. like - no. i mean. i dont know. i dont know. i guess none of it matters. but it does because i now have this person in my life but like do i have this person in my life? to what capacity? am i allowed to have friends i see everyday? what are they to me? 

should i just go to work and come home and ignore all of it. 

i guess the whole thing is to stop questioning it and just let it be what it is but i dont know i dont get it. 

i guess also right now especially for the past 6 months ive been doing nothing. and my friend tried to kind of praise me for all these little accomplishments and it’s so trivial and what shoul i believe you know is my brain chemistry this way did trauma scar how i’d function an i have to work to train it differently? 

i’ve literally not cared at all and kind of depended on him to give me a purpose which is unhealthy but when you put really high stakes like a persons will to live then you kind of feel the need to stick around. 

not that that summarizes why he would have me in his life but it’s an added stresser to being in someones life. 

he’s leaving though. he’s just leaving. i wont be going with him. he said, “well you said you’d follow me and i want you in my life. you can do what you want.” i asked, “how can i possibly follow you? like i’m a seperate entity just following you around. we’ve never explained the logistics of when i’d have any opportunity to be apart of your future” 

to which he replied, “we’ll always be seperate entities. but i don’t want to feel like i’m dragging you with me or being weighed down in a responibility for you.”

i “get it”. i couldn’t explain like - would i travel in the same fucking vehicle as you? or am i just responsible for getting myself place to place? like this is something i would be willing to commit myself to because not a lot of people would want to do someting like this or dedicate themselves to it and i’ve lived an unconventional life by the means of other people and i think it’s fair to be able to choose to live one by the means of myself. 

no matter what, i have to improve myself though. but i guess if i thought i was “leaving” i would take different steps in my self improvement to prepare for a different journey in the long term. 

i spent two years kind of on that precipice. self improvement can happen at all stages in life in many ways and when you can see the journey you’re going to take, you can prepare. 

i know that if i continued to be in his life in any way while trying to better my life, it would be detrimental to the process because once he leaves on his “i dont know what i’m doing with my life journey” i’m probably never going to talk to him again simply out of spite and complete disinterest. like i know i will be so internally hurt that i will choose to just never talk to him again. i would never talk to my oshawa ex again. like if he tried to talk to me and tell me about his life which we already tried to do - i dont care. i literally just dont care. why the fuck do i care getting random ass phone calls or texts from you about your life? you are not like some long term friend. okay to ME i would choose not to be long term friends. 

why? because i never got what i wanted or needed from that person for whatever reason we stopped our initial closeness for so why should i maintain an interest in their life?

if he leaves with no care of how i’d logistically be in his life if i chose to follow him i would not have gotten what i wanted and needed from this relationship.

can i get that or should i just let it go? i guess i’m really at a “should i stay or go now” situation. will staying result in the same thing as the going now result but just taking a longer time to get there? or will i eventually communicate something to him that shows that i want to make an effort. 

i feel stubborn. i feel like i know exactly what to do and how to do it and if i “wanted to” i could probably stop a majority of these really lazy and fruitless wasted efforts of “life” things. like just laying around. i can’t prove that to him without making an effort to actually do that in a significant way but if i move the mountains of my depression to make an effort that still leads to the same outcome because i was never logistically accounted for even as a guest so any effort i made would never lead me to be prepared. 

like what if i just got rid of all my things? gave up the cats? worked my ass off and saved every penny for two months? but i’m just ... left here. then i’d had mde these “life improvements” to no greater gain but like.. momentary satisfaction which leads to just replacing my shit with money i saved and regretting the fate of my cats because i’m super lonely. 

what if i keep the cats, slowly work on getting a little part time job, “go to yoga” - what do i get from his support of me doing this in that moment when it eventually leads to the same result whre i’m left behind and i get phone calls and pictures and messages about what he’s doing and i have to pretend like i care when i was just left behind without any real care but i have a job and i “go to yoga” so my life is “improved” and i guess makes it all the more easier to not give a damn about something thats so obviously unhealthy to begin with. how can i be in his life? 

i guess it’s kind of funny. maybe i was projecting my own feelings on to him and i guess it’s not something we regularly consider to be in my thought capacity but like, does he think i would care about him in this scenario? i don’t give a fuck what my distant ass relatives are doing with their time. that’s like a brief phone call every two years for me. 

i think i was really mentally unprepared to enter this situation tonight. i also think i was thrown for a curveball because i had negative expectations which didn’t play out like i thought it would and in some ways it was kind of positive. but because i was mentally unprepared i reacted in the way i would react in any overwhelming scenario - it’s panic and sobbing. i guess since i have more questions that this could conceivably extend to a second part of hanging out. but like i cant ask can i come along ill do this and this without presenting the proof of even the ability to produce anything on that level. i’m literally just saying believe in me, i can do this. like”give me a shot on the field coach, i’m ready”. i suppose i can ask outright can i come with you because i think the phrasing “ill follow you” is too vague. 

all of this says i still want to be with him and right now in these really overwhelmingly stressful times i have literally no idea why i woul an can’t even recall anything of merit he did that dictates that i should “follow” this man anywhere. 

you know, regardless, i need to “get a job”. there is “nothing wrong with” getting a job. im literally just putting air quotes because i’m upset it “leads to nothing” but really it is a postiive to just get a job even if i dint give a shit about the money. but the i’d also have money. and my life would improve. 

is it unhealthy to talk to him to help make myself more comfortable for a second in person meeting where i can pose such questions? i mean i cant ATLEAST be a sobbing mess. the question is difficult enough to pose. 

is this even a thing i want to do to make myself happy? just essentially follow this person’s whims as they try to rediscover themselves? it’s romantic and adventerous and stupid an crazy and i guess it makes me feel like if i cant conjure this up in myself because i just dont have the passion towards the multitue of experiences in life and wouldn’t seek them out myself then maybe i can follow someone else? 

i do love him, a lot. it’s really hard to cut off communication with him; i want to talk to him. i want to explore my newfound freedom of communication with him. like i feel more comfortable now that i’ve sai what i wanted to say. like i think it was the worst of all i could say. and i am now an embarassing sobbing gross mess so like where can i go from here. 

it’s really hard to just focus on myself. i know how to be alone but i dont know how to love myself. i think im a heavily flawed person both inside and out and i think alot of my behavior does badly effect the people i’m aroun and it can become like a chain reaction where it effects one person and then everyone close to them. but im stuck in a loop - i hate myself too much to “help myself”. to put in the effort i need to do to make my life better. i was not just programmed to hate myself but i began to loathe the behviors i coul see that were programmed by them so the hatred grew stronger. 

that hatred is now the core definition of my character and when i interact with anyone or anything or try to do anything, this character takes over and with blatant disregard fucks my own attempts at doing better. but it’s still me. i still have to reprogram these behaviors that come from such deep hatred of myself. an theyre so large and so deep - i dont care about how i live or how i’m going to eat or feed myself or what quality of food i eat, i dont care about keeping up my own personal hygiene, i dont care about the fact i put up with completely out of the norm situations by living here, i dont care about any prior interests nor do i care about building new ones. i watch endless amount of “informative” programs as if that’s somehow better. like it justifies me spending like.. most of my waking hours doing this. its “educational”. 

i essentally live like a crackhead and i dont even do hard drugs. there is a reason i am here and i could very well have him apart of my life to better fulfill the level of self hatred i have to put myself through something i wouldnt have to experience with someone else. i want to feel like shit. i put salt in the wounds. i poke the bear. i make the wrong moves to get the wrong reactions so i can continue the cycle. 

how can i improve? do i live in the now or do i plan for a “better tomorrow”? i mean - i guess as a human i just have that choice and it’s whatever works for me. maybe i can choose what kind of person i want to be. do i want to be a live in the now person or a better tomorrow one? is living in the now compulsive behavior? is planning making me better prepared or rigid/comfortable in routine? maybe it puts restrictions on the expecations of myself? like i feel especially shit so i plan for low energy things when i had the ability to achieve more? it’s like why do the work when i’ve already planned the “easy way out”. it could take a bit of both but whats the right balance? 

i want to say like i’ll do this and this tomorrow but maybe it’ll lock me in and i wont want to do that but i couldve done something else but instead i’m bummed i dont feel like tackling those tasks today.maybe it’s just a general knowlege of things that could be done in any moments. 

when i was a kid i dropped 50lbs because i was tired of being fat and put myself on a strict but okay diet. like i still got decent nutrition but i was just tired of being fat from overeating and i just ecided to stop and i did. this is one of the crowning moments in my battle against self hatred. now its used once again in my self hatred but on the opposite spectrum.i have a lot of battles to face and some of them ill hve to face multiple times before i beat them. 

it’s really an odd feeling to have to forcefully make myself accept that i’m going to do better than this while kind of begrudging the idea. like i have no false hope that people tend to have when theyre like ‘oh im starting this diet im really excited about it’.i’m not excited about the prospect of facing these battles because my self hatred’s uphill battle (instead of the disgusting collapse of everything you are) of “self love” is filled wit humiliation. could be another battle i have to overcome but i’ve already faced enough humilation for the year. ill still do it but im sad it will become a lingering cloud. 

i guess the one thing i can do in planning for a better tomorrow is to only allow myself so much time to think about the relationship stuff. or lack there of. or maybe its there. i dont know. whatever it was/is we parted ways with a hug and i love you so no matter how much time i take to think about anything, it’s open for me to have a positive experience with him. it’s going to be beneficial in all ways to break the habit of thinking about him or anything “we” could do together. we loved eachother and the overwhelming feeling is that no matter how mch time i spend thinking about it or asking questions its probably not going to work out. sometimes that happens. the sooner i put it ou of my mind, the sooner i can just get over it and move on to the next era of my life with new/different people. i was already doing that in some ways before i stepped into all this. 

i guess i feel weird as well because he offered to pay for a month of yoga classes. i dont think that gives me the drive to go to it. i ca definitely see myself not going just because its cold. i can also see myself hating the people who attend a yoga class and choos to be involved in the community surrounding yoga. it’s not really my type of vibe. but if i turn down that; which coulve been as simple as going to a yoga class, then i should probably produce something on level. but maybe it was a way to get me involved in his positive activity so we could manage positive experiences together. to prove i could come through. 

i am ready to interact with people i’m just not ready to have that sort of interaction. the weirdness of group stretching. i think it’s okay if yoga is a private practice i dont pay for. 

lets not forget i taught myself how to draw and entered a community i knew no one in a few years ago. i had the initiative once before. 

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The shorter your sleep, the shorter your life: the new sleep science

Leading neuroscientist Matthew Walker on why sleep deprivation is increasing our risk of cancer, heart attack and Alzheimers and what you can do about it

Matthew Walker has learned to dread the question What do you do? At parties, it signals the end of his evening; thereafter, his new acquaintance will inevitably cling to him like ivy. On an aeroplane, it usually means that while everyone else watches movies or reads a thriller, he will find himself running an hours-long salon for the benefit of passengers and crew alike. Ive begun to lie, he says. Seriously. I just tell people Im a dolphin trainer. Its better for everyone.

Walker is a sleep scientist. To be specific, he is the director of the Center for Human Sleep Science at the University of California, Berkeley, a research institute whose goal possibly unachievable is to understand everything about sleeps impact on us, from birth to death, in sickness and health. No wonder, then, that people long for his counsel. As the line between work and leisure grows ever more blurred, rare is the person who doesnt worry about their sleep. But even as we contemplate the shadows beneath our eyes, most of us dont know the half of it and perhaps this is the real reason he has stopped telling strangers how he makes his living. When Walker talks about sleep he cant, in all conscience, limit himself to whispering comforting nothings about camomile tea and warm baths. Its his conviction that we are in the midst of a catastrophic sleep-loss epidemic, the consequences of which are far graver than any of us could imagine. This situation, he believes, is only likely to change if government gets involved.

Walker has spent the last four and a half years writing Why We Sleep, a complex but urgent book that examines the effects of this epidemic close up, the idea being that once people know of the powerful links between sleep loss and, among other things, Alzheimers disease, cancer, diabetes, obesity and poor mental health, they will try harder to get the recommended eight hours a night (sleep deprivation, amazing as this may sound to Donald Trump types, constitutes anything less than seven hours). But, in the end, the individual can achieve only so much. Walker wants major institutions and law-makers to take up his ideas, too. No aspect of our biology is left unscathed by sleep deprivation, he says. It sinks down into every possible nook and cranny. And yet no one is doing anything about it. Things have to change: in the workplace and our communities, our homes and families. But when did you ever see an NHS poster urging sleep on people? When did a doctor prescribe, not sleeping pills, but sleep itself? It needs to be prioritised, even incentivised. Sleep loss costs the UK economy over 30bn a year in lost revenue, or 2% of GDP. I could double the NHS budget if only they would institute policies to mandate or powerfully encourage sleep.

Why, exactly, are we so sleep-deprived? What has happened over the course of the last 75 years? In 1942, less than 8% of the population was trying to survive on six hours or less sleep a night; in 2017, almost one in two people is. The reasons are seemingly obvious. First, we electrified the night, Walker says. Light is a profound degrader of our sleep. Second, there is the issue of work: not only the porous borders between when you start and finish, but longer commuter times, too. No one wants to give up time with their family or entertainment, so they give up sleep instead. And anxiety plays a part. Were a lonelier, more depressed society. Alcohol and caffeine are more widely available. All these are the enemies of sleep.

But Walker believes, too, that in the developed world sleep is strongly associated with weakness, even shame. We have stigmatised sleep with the label of laziness. We want to seem busy, and one way we express that is by proclaiming how little sleep were getting. Its a badge of honour. When I give lectures, people will wait behind until there is no one around and then tell me quietly: I seem to be one of those people who need eight or nine hours sleep. Its embarrassing to say it in public. They would rather wait 45 minutes for the confessional. Theyre convinced that theyre abnormal, and why wouldnt they be? We chastise people for sleeping what are, after all, only sufficient amounts. We think of them as slothful. No one would look at an infant baby asleep, and say What a lazy baby! We know sleeping is non-negotiable for a baby. But that notion is quickly abandoned [as we grow up]. Humans are the only species that deliberately deprive themselves of sleep for no apparent reason. In case youre wondering, the number of people who can survive on five hours of sleep or less without any impairment, expressed as a percent of the population and rounded to a whole number, is zero.

The world of sleep science is still relatively small. But it is growing exponentially, thanks both to demand (the multifarious and growing pressures caused by the epidemic) and to new technology (such as electrical and magnetic brain stimulators), which enables researchers to have what Walker describes as VIP access to the sleeping brain. Walker, who is 44 and was born in Liverpool, has been in the field for more than 20 years, having published his first research paper at the age of just 21. I would love to tell you that I was fascinated by conscious states from childhood, he says. But in truth, it was accidental. He started out studying for a medical degree in Nottingham. But having discovered that doctoring wasnt for him he was more enthralled by questions than by answers he switched to neuroscience, and after graduation, began a PhD in neurophysiology supported by the Medical Research Council. It was while working on this that he stumbled into the realm of sleep.

Matthew Walker photographed in his sleep lab. Photograph: Saroyan Humphrey for the Observer

I was looking at the brainwave patterns of people with different forms of dementia, but I was failing miserably at finding any difference between them, he recalls now. One night, however, he read a scientific paper that changed everything. It described which parts of the brain were being attacked by these different types of dementia: Some were attacking parts of the brain that had to do with controlled sleep, while other types left those sleep centres unaffected. I realised my mistake. I had been measuring the brainwave activity of my patients while they were awake, when I should have been doing so while they were asleep. Over the next six months, Walker taught himself how to set up a sleep laboratory and, sure enough, the recordings he made in it subsequently spoke loudly of a clear difference between patients. Sleep, it seemed, could be a new early diagnostic litmus test for different subtypes of dementia.

After this, sleep became his obsession. Only then did I ask: what is this thing called sleep, and what does it do? I was always curious, annoyingly so, but when I started to read about sleep, I would look up and hours would have gone by. No one could answer the simple question: why do we sleep? That seemed to me to be the greatest scientific mystery. I was going to attack it, and I was going to do that in two years. But I was naive. I didnt realise that some of the greatest scientific minds had been trying to do the same thing for their entire careers. That was two decades ago, and Im still cracking away. After gaining his doctorate, he moved to the US. Formerly a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, he is now professor of neuroscience and psychology at the University of California.

Does his obsession extend to the bedroom? Does he take his own advice when it comes to sleep? Yes. I give myself a non-negotiable eight-hour sleep opportunity every night, and I keep very regular hours: if there is one thing I tell people, its to go to bed and to wake up at the same time every day, no matter what. I take my sleep incredibly seriously because I have seen the evidence. Once you know that after just one night of only four or five hours sleep, your natural killer cells the ones that attack the cancer cells that appear in your body every day drop by 70%, or that a lack of sleep is linked to cancer of the bowel, prostate and breast, or even just that the World Health Organisation has classed any form of night-time shift work as a probable carcinogen, how could you do anything else?

There is, however, a sting in the tale. Should his eyelids fail to close, Walker admits that he can be a touch Woody Allen-neurotic. When, for instance, he came to London over the summer, he found himself jet-lagged and wide awake in his hotel room at two oclock in the morning. His problem then, as always in these situations, was that he knew too much. His brain began to race. I thought: my orexin isnt being turned off, the sensory gate of my thalamus is wedged open, my dorsolateral prefrontal cortex wont shut down, and my melatonin surge wont happen for another seven hours. What did he do? In the end, it seems, even world experts in sleep act just like the rest of us when struck by the curse of insomnia. He turned on a light and read for a while.

Will Why We Sleep have the impact its author hopes? Im not sure: the science bits, it must be said, require some concentration. But what I can tell you is that it had a powerful effect on me. After reading it, I was absolutely determined to go to bed earlier a regime to which I am sticking determinedly. In a way, I was prepared for this. I first encountered Walker some months ago, when he spoke at an event at Somerset House in London, and he struck me then as both passionate and convincing (our later interview takes place via Skype from the basement of his sleep centre, a spot which, with its bedrooms off a long corridor, apparently resembles the ward of a private hospital). But in another way, it was unexpected. I am mostly immune to health advice. Inside my head, there is always a voice that says just enjoy life while it lasts.

The evidence Walker presents, however, is enough to send anyone early to bed. Its no kind of choice at all. Without sleep, there is low energy and disease. With sleep, there is vitality and health. More than 20 large scale epidemiological studies all report the same clear relationship: the shorter your sleep, the shorter your life. To take just one example, adults aged 45 years or older who sleep less than six hours a night are 200% more likely to have a heart attack or stroke in their lifetime, as compared with those sleeping seven or eight hours a night (part of the reason for this has to do with blood pressure: even just one night of modest sleep reduction will speed the rate of a persons heart, hour upon hour, and significantly increase their blood pressure).

A lack of sleep also appears to hijack the bodys effective control of blood sugar, the cells of the sleep-deprived appearing, in experiments, to become less responsive to insulin, and thus to cause a prediabetic state of hyperglycaemia. When your sleep becomes short, moreover, you are susceptible to weight gain. Among the reasons for this are the fact that inadequate sleep decreases levels of the satiety-signalling hormone, leptin, and increases levels of the hunger-signalling hormone, ghrelin. Im not going to say that the obesity crisis is caused by the sleep-loss epidemic alone, says Walker. Its not. However, processed food and sedentary lifestyles do not adequately explain its rise. Something is missing. Its now clear that sleep is that third ingredient. Tiredness, of course, also affects motivation.

Sleep has a powerful effect on the immune system, which is why, when we have flu, our first instinct is to go to bed: our body is trying to sleep itself well. Reduce sleep even for a single night, and your resilience is drastically reduced. If you are tired, you are more likely to catch a cold. The well-rested also respond better to the flu vaccine. As Walker has already said, more gravely, studies show that short sleep can affect our cancer-fighting immune cells. A number of epidemiological studies have reported that night-time shift work and the disruption to circadian sleep and rhythms that it causes increase the odds of developing cancers including breast, prostate, endometrium and colon.

Getting too little sleep across the adult lifespan will significantly raise your risk of developing Alzheimers disease. The reasons for this are difficult to summarise, but in essence it has to do with the amyloid deposits (a toxin protein) that accumulate in the brains of those suffering from the disease, killing the surrounding cells. During deep sleep, such deposits are effectively cleaned from the brain. What occurs in an Alzheimers patient is a kind of vicious circle. Without sufficient sleep, these plaques build up, especially in the brains deep-sleep-generating regions, attacking and degrading them. The loss of deep sleep caused by this assault therefore lessens our ability to remove them from the brain at night. More amyloid, less deep sleep; less deep sleep, more amyloid, and so on. (In his book, Walker notes unscientifically that he has always found it curious that Margaret Thatcher and Ronald Reagan, both of whom were vocal about how little sleep they needed, both went on to develop the disease; it is, moreover, a myth that older adults need less sleep.) Away from dementia, sleep aids our ability to make new memories, and restores our capacity for learning.

And then there is sleeps effect on mental health. When your mother told you that everything would look better in the morning, she was wise. Walkers book includes a long section on dreams (which, says Walker, contrary to Dr Freud, cannot be analysed). Here he details the various ways in which the dream state connects to creativity. He also suggests that dreaming is a soothing balm. If we sleep to remember (see above), then we also sleep to forget. Deep sleep the part when we begin to dream is a therapeutic state during which we cast off the emotional charge of our experiences, making them easier to bear. Sleep, or a lack of it, also affects our mood more generally. Brain scans carried out by Walker revealed a 60% amplification in the reactivity of the amygdala a key spot for triggering anger and rage in those who were sleep-deprived. In children, sleeplessness has been linked to aggression and bullying; in adolescents, to suicidal thoughts. Insufficient sleep is also associated with relapse in addiction disorders. A prevailing view in psychiatry is that mental disorders cause sleep disruption. But Walker believes it is, in fact, a two-way street. Regulated sleep can improve the health of, for instance, those with bipolar disorder.

Ive mentioned deep sleep in this (too brief) summary several times. What is it, exactly? We sleep in 90-minute cycles, and its only towards the end of each one of these that we go into deep sleep. Each cycle comprises two kinds of sleep. First, there is NREM sleep (non-rapid eye movement sleep); this is then followed by REM (rapid eye movement) sleep. When Walker talks about these cycles, which still have their mysteries, his voice changes. He sounds bewitched, almost dazed.

During NREM sleep, your brain goes into this incredible synchronised pattern of rhythmic chanting, he says. Theres a remarkable unity across the surface of the brain, like a deep, slow mantra. Researchers were once fooled that this state was similar to a coma. But nothing could be further from the truth. Vast amounts of memory processing is going on. To produce these brainwaves, hundreds of thousands of cells all sing together, and then go silent, and on and on. Meanwhile, your body settles into this lovely low state of energy, the best blood-pressure medicine you could ever hope for. REM sleep, on the other hand, is sometimes known as paradoxical sleep, because the brain patterns are identical to when youre awake. Its an incredibly active brain state. Your heart and nervous system go through spurts of activity: were still not exactly sure why.

Does the 90-minute cycle mean that so-called power naps are worthless? They can take the edge off basic sleepiness. But you need 90 minutes to get to deep sleep, and one cycle isnt enough to do all the work. You need four or five cycles to get all the benefit. Is it possible to have too much sleep? This is unclear. There is no good evidence at the moment. But I do think 14 hours is too much. Too much water can kill you, and too much food, and I think ultimately the same will prove to be true for sleep. How is it possible to tell if a person is sleep-deprived? Walker thinks we should trust our instincts. Those who would sleep on if their alarm clock was turned off are simply not getting enough. Ditto those who need caffeine in the afternoon to stay awake. I see it all the time, he says. I get on a flight at 10am when people should be at peak alert, and I look around, and half of the plane has immediately fallen asleep.

So what can the individual do? First, they should avoid pulling all-nighters, at their desks or on the dancefloor. After being awake for 19 hours, youre as cognitively impaired as someone who is drunk. Second, they should start thinking about sleep as a kind of work, like going to the gym (with the key difference that it is both free and, if youre me, enjoyable). People use alarms to wake up, Walker says. So why dont we have a bedtime alarm to tell us weve got half an hour, that we should start cycling down? We should start thinking of midnight more in terms of its original meaning: as the middle of the night. Schools should consider later starts for students; such delays correlate with improved IQs. Companies should think about rewarding sleep. Productivity will rise, and motivation, creativity and even levels of honesty will be improved. Sleep can be measured using tracking devices, and some far-sighted companies in the US already give employees time off if they clock enough of it. Sleeping pills, by the way, are to be avoided. Among other things, they can have a deleterious effect on memory.

Those who are focused on so-called clean sleep are determined to outlaw mobiles and computers from the bedroom and quite right, too, given the effect of LED-emitting devices on melatonin, the sleep-inducing hormone. Ultimately, though, Walker believes that technology will be sleeps saviour. There is going to be a revolution in the quantified self in industrial nations, he says. We will know everything about our bodies from one day to the next in high fidelity. That will be a seismic shift, and we will then start to develop methods by which we can amplify different components of human sleep, and do that from the bedside. Sleep will come to be seen as a preventive medicine.

What questions does Walker still most want to answer? For a while, he is quiet. Its so difficult, he says, with a sigh. There are so many. I would still like to know where we go, psychologically and physiologically, when we dream. Dreaming is the second state of human consciousness, and we have only scratched the surface so far. But I would also like to find out when sleep emerged. I like to posit a ridiculous theory, which is: perhaps sleep did not evolve. Perhaps it was the thing from which wakefulness emerged. He laughs. If I could have some kind of medical Tardis and go back in time to look at that, well, I would sleep better at night.

Why We Sleep: The New Science of Sleep and Dreamsby Matthew Walker is published by Allen Lane (20). To order a copy for 17 go toguardianbookshop.com or call 0330 333 6846. Free UK p&p over 10, online orders only. Phone orders min p&p of 1.99

Sleep in numbers

Two-thirds of adults in developed nations fail to obtain the nightly eight hours of sleep recommended by the World Health Organisation.

An adult sleeping only 6.75 hours a night would be predicted to live only to their early 60s without medical intervention.

A 2013 study reported that men who slept too little had a sperm count 29% lower than those who regularly get a full and restful nights sleep.

If you drive a car when you have had less than five hours sleep, you are 4.3 times more likely to be involved in a crash. If you drive having had four hours, you are 11.5 times more likely to be involved in an accident.

A hot bath aids sleep not because it makes you warm, but because your dilated blood vessels radiate inner heat, and your core body temperature drops. To successfully initiate sleep, your core temperature needs to drop about 1C.

The time taken to reach physical exhaustion by athletes who obtain anything less than eight hours of sleep, and especially less than six hours, drops by 10-30%.

There are now more than 100 diagnosed sleep disorders, of which insomnia is the mostcommon.

Morning types, who prefer to awake at or around dawn, make up about 40% of the population. Evening types, who prefer to go to bed late and wake up late, account for about 30%. The remaining 30% lie somewhere in between.

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