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#i dont wanna ask my parents again bc ive already had to twice and i know how skint they are too
krispiecake · 8 months
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lol being poor and having things wrong with you is great. i havent eaten for most of the day cuz i cant afford anything rn and my college only covers £3 of college food which is a sandwich and a bottle of water, and when i get in tonight the only things i have require 30mins of prep and 40mins cooking but my chronic back + leg pain hurts so fucking much and i have no energy cuz ive been up for 12 1/2hrs straight at college with only sandwich and a fucking bottle of water
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desire-mona · 2 months
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heard we were making house ocs and ive had a dingus floating around in my head since january so i FINALLY got around to actually making a proper ref sheet. i present my silliest
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Dr. Nanette "Ninny" Amesbury :3
more under cut !
big warning lore n backstory n stuff is very bare bones and not all the way there cuz im #lazy
birthday is vague but lets go with ~35 circa s2
if i had a nickel for every oc i had who had absent parents and was raised catholic by their grandparents, id have two nickels. unintentional that it happened twice i sorta forgor the other one's lore for a bit and now its stuck so ummmmm sorry laney. wont be going into childhood bc i havent come up w that yet and honestly i dont care to!!! yada yada yada catholic guilt but not in the chase way bc she hasnt left the church n likely never will
ummmm relationship chart + template
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lets just quick go over some relationship highlights cuz some are def more important than others
wilson: mr president a 4th ex wife has hit the james wilson. when were they married? ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm 😁
but they were married for like. 3 years? YES it ended bc he cheated but nin also wasn't the best either her ass was literally never ever there she was ALWAYS at work (like more than normal doctor amounts of at work - only came home to sleep and even that was only 4x a week(also worked at a different hospital))
tw suicide for next part bee tee dub
a big part of the beginning of their relationship was (big surprise) wilson's attraction to what he THOUGHT was neediness but was literally just nin wanting (and trying) to kill herself lol. once the magic of all that went away (perceived independence thats rly just #bottling shit up) he was just kinda like oh :/ its not cool to have a mentally ill wife anymore :/ i was expecting ramona flowers :/ or whatever. so infidelity impact font, hijinks and moving away for [amount] years ensue before nin being hired at ppth as the head of pediatrics. brief fwb situation w wilson Again b4 she finds out shes a lesbian at the end of like. s2.
oh yeah she also tries to kill herself again once she figures it out (see catholic guilt mention) but its cool she lives
cuddy: GAAAAAYYYYY GAAAAYYYYYYY GAY!!!!! DR AMESBURY WANTS TO FUCK THIS WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its one sided tho boooooo cuddys briefly like Wait ? just b4 nin moves away at the end of s6 roughly but shes already. thats done its not happening.
kutner: dont even fucking talk to me. i dont wanna talk about it. im gonna talk about it.
so kutner (like the slut that he is lowkey but society isnt ready for that) asks nin out just after he gets hired and shes like ermmmmmmmmmm! but sensing his loser aura she (still deeply closeted) is like hey haha i dont swing that way sorry !!!!!!! but its ok they become super mega best friends and get nerdy together
i like to think they listen to weird al together OH YEAH NINS THE BIGGEST WEIRD AL YANKOVIC FAN IN NEW JERSEY
and then nothing bad happens!
if youve seen this post about the little writing things kutner got after he croaked then hooray here's nanettes
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they make me so fucking upset.
anyway as i stated above nin moves away after s6 for a bunch of reasons. 1) thanks obama 2) a big part of what contributed to her suicidal ideations n such was the fact that deep down she didnt ACTUALLY know what she wanted to do w her life. u may be like she doesnt. want to be a doctor ? NO she doesnt thats just what she did to get money to eventually do what she wants. whatever that is. something something feeling lost in life and unable to reach a goal when u dont even know what the goal is something something. also persistent depressive disorder but like spoon in kitchen.
idk what shes gonna end up doing after she moves but id imagine she shows up for house's funeral so i cant just be like lol nobody gets to know! im thinking painter but idk IDK guys her lore is ROUGH
thats it if u have questions ill answer thanks
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mythiccheroacademia · 4 years
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Delivery HCs with 1-A’s Big Three
A/N: Maybe I’m a bit biased because I want to be a pediatrician when I’m older, but I think children are the true gems of the world. I’ve seen a few deliveries in my life, and it’s a moment that not even magic can explain. I can only imagine what it’s like for the parents--to see the baby you’d start a war for if need be. So, here’s my attempt to translate that special love within a headcanon. 
Enjoy and continue to stay safe honey bunnies
Also, remember to thank a (good) mother for being literal superheroes once in awhile. Delivering is no joke!
Warnings: all the wonderful things that come with pushing a baby out of a 3-4in hole
All characters are aged 18+
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Midoryia Izuku:
when you and your husband got to the hospital, the nurses were suprised to find you laughing and your husband muttering 
they soon came to find out he was reciting how to books about delivery
word-for-word
the buff, muscley, #1 hero who scared villains into a crime rate of 2% was wiggling his knees in fear every time you had a contraction
he was running around, calling his friends and family about how he was going to combust
asked you every five minutes if you were ready to push 
“izu, honey, i don’t think it works like that”
“true....but are you ready?”
it was funny
but it stopped being funny after 14 hours of labor, when the contractions got really bad
now you were just snapping at izuku to quiet down otherwise you’d united states smash his face in
him: 😧
the nurses: 👀
he knows you’re in pain but damn 
it’s a relief when you get the epidural 
after that, it was a relatively smooth birth 
it still hurt like hell, but your husband is holding your hand, giving you encouraging kisses
one final push and the baby is out
immediately, the little boy is screaming his head off making his presence known
you let your head fall back with a relieved sigh as your body works to get the placenta out
whiles you do tiny pushes, izuku is in a love-struck daze as he stares at your son
it’s like he has tunnel vision
suddenly, nothing in his life was ever more important than this tiny little human who couldn’t weigh more than his left hand
the nurses hand you your son and you laugh through your happy tears
“it looks like i’ve got two cry-babies to deal with now” you lovingly smile
izuku is on his knees, sobbing, kissing your forehead and rubbing his finger against his child’s cheek
he’s so thankful
he’s so very thankful, he doesn’t even know how to comprehend it
you’re the best hero in his eyes
“he’s so beautiful” he repeats, like a broken record
there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for you or his son
he silently makes an oath to do everything in his power to see his family smile with security every day
izuku feels like he finally knows what being #1 truly is
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Bakugo Katsuki:
pregnancy wasn’t easy for you 
having twins wasn’t rare, but it made the process riskier
giving birth is still quite dangerous, like women are superheroes bruh
due to forseen complications, you were scheduled for a c-section 
unfortunately, you’re blood pressure sky-rocketed and you had to deliver your babies two weeks early
on the way to the hospital, your contractions were tearing you apart
during each shake and scream you gave, katsuki would hold your shoulder and let you dig your nails into his arms
he took it without complaint
it was like you were a different person when a contraction hit
you never complained about the pain, but he could tell you wanted it to end with how your head would fall like dead weight
never admits to the few tears that slipped past his cheeks
he never wanted to see you like this again 
when you make it to the hospital, they wheel you into the surgery room and he follows after
is relieved to see that you can no longer feel the contractions
in fact, even with all the IVs in you, you seem a lot better--more alert
he makes his way over to you 
“sorry for the car ride. i think i drooled. i probably looked gross. still do” you joke
he speaks in the softest voice you’ve ever heard, kiss your dry lips
“no baby, you look beauitful” 
and he means it
you do. you’re the most beautiful woman he knows
you feel a lot of pressure as they take the babies out, but once they do, the sounds of your children make you tear up
bakugo is frozen as he watches his babies, one boy one girl, get cleaned up
there’s a softness in the air as the nurses lay the boy on your chest and the girl in katsuki’s arms
your heart explodes with so much love that the heart monitor does a little jump that makes everyone laugh
but katsuki makes a pained expression before lowering himself so that his forehead rests beside your ear
he can’t tell what he’s feeling bc he’s felt love before but this was different
this was so overwhelming that it sent his knees buckling
you use your free hand to smooth down his hair as he cries 
“thank you” is all he’s able to say until the tears are gone
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Todoroki Shouto:
when shouto looks back on one of the happiest days of his life, all he feels is shame and embarrassment 
he was just doing everything wrong that day
no thoughts, head empty
of course you had to go into labor the day he decided to take a tiny job 30 fucking minutes away from the hospital 
he made it to you in 20, he broke several laws to do it
when he gets to the hosptial, he can barely talk 
the nurses had to call you to make sure this crazy man was actually the father of your child
misses the baby floor twice
walks into the wrong room three times bc he forgot how to read
when he finally makes it to your room, he’s fed up with himself 
“what took you so long? the front desk called me, like, ten minutes ago”
“i don’t wanna talk about it”
“are you having an attitude with me right now? when i’m about to deliver your child?”
shouto: ☹️
shutting up was the smartest thing he did that day
when the 15th hour of labor hit and you were gripping your husband, screaming and rocking on your knees for any type of relief, todoroki was nearly begging you to take the drugs 
“sweetheart, please consider the epidural”
“no, shouto. i’m doing this without one”
“why do you want to suffer when technology and modern medicine--”
“todoroki shouto, you give me one more lesson about modern medicine and i’ll rip your quirk right out of you”
“i dont think that’s--”
the nurse finally chimes in: “sir, i mean this in the nicest way possible. shut up”
after 24 grueling hours, you’re pushing
it’s taking everything within shouto not to pass out from the blood, the screaming, and how tight you’re squeezing his hand 
the baby is out and crying her little head off
you’re happy it’s all over and shouto should be too
but he’s going over the past 48hrs and letting it confirm how he’s just not set up to be a father 
he’s almost grateful that you would hold her first bc he doesnt want to screw up more than he already has, but you have a different idea
understanding the emotions and self-doubt reflected on his face, you say 
“shouto, i want you to hold her first”
he’s shocked and starts his stuttering, but the nurse is already on it
“you heard mama, open your arms big guy”
once the nurse helps him find a good hold, todoroki doesnt even notice the tears falling down his cheeks
“look at you,” you sniff. “you’re a natural”
his eyes are wide with child-like wonder and he manages to give you a trembling smile 
“you think so?” you nod and he’s smiling so big, you wanna take a picture. “she’s so beautiful, just like her mother”
he leans down to kiss you 
wonders what he did in his past life to deserve the love he was given the chance to feel today
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crossovereddie · 3 years
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Actually, here is an alternative thing for you to occupy your time with, and a question I have been meaning to ask you for a while. I have finished 911 finally! So I'm ready for the new season. And I wonder, realistically, what do you think the roadmap would be for a buddie endgame?
I absolutely see how their story has been framed and filmed in a lot of parallels to how a romantic storyline would be set out. But there has been no outright mention of either of them being bi - although the conversation about Maddy setting Buck up with whassisface was very casual and could very easily have been an example of canonically bi Buck - and they are both at the end of season 4 in 'relationships' with women.
So, in your estimation, what's the timeline? What's the transition? How do they go about this and how long does it take? I wanna know your thoughts 👀
okay yes i have lots of thoughts on this and it's actually one of my fave questions i get asked. I've always watched a lot of tv shows so I'm just estimating on what I've seen before and what I would personally do. IMO this love story is a slow burn. We only have four seasons so far and only three of those seasons have Eddie in them. This unsurprisingly got long so ill put it under the cut.
So I'll go by seasons bc to me its important to look at everything that has happened so far by seasons and by love interests and not as a whole. Its the best way i can form a timeline that I think would make the most sense and why
S1: So we don't get any hints at Buck being anything other than straight and I think this is because he was supposed to be. They hadn't planned for Eddie yet and they definitely hadn't planned for the chemistry Oliver and Ryan were gonna have. S1 Buck was this reckless kid who didn't take anything serious. He was definitely super immature. Then he meets Abby and he starts to get serious about his job and his love life. I'm not gonna say "Abby changed him" because she didnt. He saw the person he was and the person he was becoming and decided on that change himself.
S2: Eddie!!!! So we get introduced to this army medic turned firefighter in the least heterosexual way. Then Buck is angry because Eddie is hot and really good at his job. they work together and Eddie compliments Buck and now they're smiley bffs. Seriously wtf was all that? Anyway this is all sus bc from what ive seen before in other shows when a main love interest leaves and a new main character replaces them, that means something. JLH replaced Connie Britton as far as big name actress but i really believe Eddie replaced Abby as far as importance in Buck's life. Do i think they brought him in with the intentions of turning him into a LI? No but they sure fueled the narrative from the get go. I think they saw fans reactions and started testing the waters.
Moving on to LIs in this season. We find out Eddie has a kid and the mother is not in the picture (eddie made sure buck knew that right away). Then later on we find out he's technically still married. shannon comes back and we get Eddie finally getting to confront this head on. He tries to get his family back together for the sake of his son. Its big for Eddie's character bc all he does and all he's ever done is for his son. Then Shannon asks for a divorce then she dies bringing this arc to an abrupt end and leaving eddie heartbroken.
meanwhile Buck is still waiting for Abby. Then he finally accepts that shes not coming back and decides to move on. He goes right back to being "Buck 1.0" with Taylor and feels bad about himself because that really isnt him anymore. He wants a real relationship. So then Ali calls and asks him on an actual date and he agrees. This is his first try at a relationship after a heartbreak. in tv these don't usually work out but are used to develop the main character's growth. We don't really see much of her but she breaks up with him so.
S3: This is Eddie finally dealing with his feelings/guilt season. This is also the season I think we really see how important Buck is to the Diaz boys. S2 had cute buckley-diaz family moments but those could still be interpreted as a best friend and his best friend's kid. This season though... after the tsunamic episode was when i really started to fully believe buddie was going canon. This season is solidifying their bond not only as Buck and Eddie but as Buck Eddie and Christpher. As I'm writing this I realized neither of them really has a love interest in this season do they? Ana is introduced but then is clearly presented as definitely NOT the right choice for eddie and especially for Chris. Then they counter that with Buck helping Eddie build a skateboard for Chris that he can use as opposed to Ana's ablest remarks about how he can't do it so just move on to something else. Then we get Buck's reaction in Eddie Begins. Buck has seen his team his friends his family get hurt on the job before but he has never reacted the way he did when it was Eddie in danger. Again solidifying just how much these two mean to each other. Don't even get me started on this season being when Eddie changes his will offscreen. Anyway we get Abby back and Buck finally gets the closure from that relationship that he needs to move forward into a serious relationship.
Now S4: jfc s4....IMO this is the only logical season to get the ball rolling on Buddie and they sure did that with 4x14 despite everything else. So i never thought they would be the first serious relationship for each other after the heart break theyve both experienced. It wouldn't be fair to their character developments. Buck tries dating Veronica and that clearly doesnt work but we know hes now open to dating again. We get Buck Begins where we see why Buck is the dare devil he is. The only way he got his parents attention as a kid was to put himself in danger. They bring back taylor and how to they ultimately get together after she friendzones him? She thinks hes in danger and suddenly wants him. As much as i hate it this is really gonna be a relationship where Buck finally stands up for himself and sees his own worth and realizes he deserves more. He deserves someone who sees him and loves him for who he is. He deserves to be chosen, something Abby Ali his parents dont do and what i think taylor wont end up doing. I feel like shes gonna choose her career over him. Maybe not in a "I'm breaking up with you" way but maybe she takes a new job and want to do LD (hes tried that twice and it didnt work for him. hes not gonna want that) or she could ask him to go with her but he wont. His family is in LA. His job is in LA. Eddie and Chris are in LA and he won't leave them. Then we have Eddie finally deciding to move on and try dating again so they bring back ana. To me it's not gonna work out so I'm not bothered at all lmao. It's interesting that they'd choose her though. Someone we already know Eddie doesn't trust with his son. There's also more buckley-diaz family scenes of them being coparents. The hildy episode, Chris running to Buck when hes mad at eddie, Buck being the one to tell Chris Eddie got hurt, then Buck staying with Chris and taking on the guardian role without him even knowing just how much that role really does belong to him. He didn't do it out of obligation. He didn't do it because he was asked to. He did it because he thought it would be best for Chris. Finally to 4x14. This is by far the biggest "Oh shit this is it. This is the beginning of buddie". We find out Eddie changed his will a year ago and has just been sitting on this info. I think Eddie knew back then what it meant but he wasn't in the right mindset to accept what it means so he kept it to himself. I think he finally started allowing himself to go there during treasure hunt. The man was jealous yall. Carla coming back and her comment about doing whats best for him and not chris is his oh shit moment. I think he wouldve broken up with Ana a few days after that if he had the time lol. He gets caught up in the mother/son sl then this poor mf gets shot by a sniper. The way that whole scene was filmed btw was not in a bff way. That was a lover watching his beloved almost die in front of him. Buck again puts himself down and Eddie decides this is the moment. He needs Buck to see how important he is. He wants buck to know how loved he is. So he sits there talking himself up to it and finally lets Buck know just how big of a part he is in Eddie's family. Buck's previous scene is him saying he wants someone who wants him back then here is Eddie saying he needs him...Chris needs him. wtf.
So with S5: I think Eddie knows and Buck has a feeling but he's not sure so what i would do is spend s5 with Eddie basically showing Buck his feelings but not exactly getting in the way of Buck's new relationship because Buck has to be the one to make that choice. Id also have chris feeling the different shift with buck having a gf like he did with Eddie. This newfound info wasnt just dropped on us for a "Aww so sweet" moment. This will business is gonna be a part of a bigger storyline. I'm hoping its with Eddie's family during maybe 5b.
So what I think would be the best timeline for canon buddie is 5a eddie already having either broken up with ana or is gonna break up with her, Buck choosing himself and ending things with Taylor by midseason finale, them bringing in Eddie's family in 5b and maybe then being when Eddie confesses his feelings for Buck. Then 6a we could get them walking on egg shells around each other not really knowing what to do bc this is all so new for both of them. This could bring just the right amount of comedy and angst especially them awkward and flustered around each other at work. A big blowup can happen between them for added angst (maybe an arguement before one of them or both of them is put in danger) then a midseason finale kiss. Then trying to find the balance between their personal relationship and their work relationship during 6b.
I don't know how long Fox shows last but procedurals can last a long time. I'm not sure thats gonna be the case for 911 especially with all the main cast staying that long so i think this would give us at least a whole season (S7) of canon buddie.
As far as then being presented as straight, there's been more seeds planted about buck being bi. A few i can remember off the top of my head: all of 2x1 lmao, maddie's comment about bucks boy crush on eddie, buck hinting at thinking eddie is cute when he thinks maddie is talking about him, the christmas elf, the comments on the instagram livestream, idk if youve watched it or not but TK's comment to Buck in the crossover episode, and like you mentioned Maddie's casual comment about setting him up with Josh. All we really know about Eddie's love life is he married Shannon when they were young and is trying with Ana so it could turn into a whole storyline for him.
I'm so sorry this is so long and took forever but i I hope i actually answered your question and didnt just get lost in rambles lmao.
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get to know me tag??
tagged by @chani-babe ily
RULES: you must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people…
THE LAST: 1. Drink: water 2. Phone call: my mum 3. Text message: thank youu! (@ my mumma lol) 4. Song you listened to: Letting go - DAY6
5. Time you cried: this morning lol
6. Dated someone twice: never dated anyone (im like 14) 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: never kissed anyone 8. Been cheated on: never dated anyone 9. Lost someone special: like death?? bc i almost have,, but a few weeks ago one of my best friends moved to Bulgaria (i live in NZ), we still talk but its just really hard not having her here 10. Been depressed: ive never been diagnosed (bc my parents refuse to admit that their kids might have mental illnesses) but im pretty sure i was at some points over the past two years but ive never been seen by a doctor abt it so imma say no 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: nah
LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: pink, yellow, green
IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: yeah! (and i love them all <3) 16. Fallen out of love: yeah (but iss bc he was racist and im not abt that life) 17. Laughed until you cried: no :(( 18. Found out someone was talking about you: uhm yeah everyone lol 19. Met someone who changed you: yeah 20. Found out who your friends are: not this year 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: view no.7
GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: all except one (thats u Luis ily) 23. Do you have any pets: i have a cat named Alisha and ive had here for 10 years and i love her very much! <3
24. Do you want to change your name: i quite like my name but i kinda want to but for personal reasons lol 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: nothing i asked my friends if they wanted to hang and they all left me on read :’) 26. What time did you wake up: 0530 thanks period cramps 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping 28. Name something you can’t wait for: to leave... 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: like 15 minutes ago 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: i wish my dad wasnt here 31. What are you listening right now: Congratulations - DAY6 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yeah lol  33. Something that is getting on your nerves: my dad, my grandma (his mum) and my little sister 34. Most visited Website: tumblr and youtube 35. Elementary: i live in Nz but the equivalent of that would be primary school and yeah that shit ends after year 6 36. High School: 1 1/2 of 5 years down wish me luck lads 37. College: technically im already in college bc college is high school here in NZ 38. Haircolor: reaaaaaaallly grown out blonde with black roots (think Lisa’s boombayah hair but x100) 39. Long or short hair: like armpit length lol 40. Do you have a crush on someone: does Jaemin count? 41. What do you like about yourself: nice ass eyes 42. Piercings: i have my firsts and a cartilage piercing  43. Bloodtype: idk im 14  44. Nickname: momo 45. Relationship status: single 47. Pronouns: ion care theyre just noises 48. Favorite TV Show: skins 49. Tattoos: none rn but i want some 
50. Right or left: both 51. Surgery: ion have tonsils 52. Piercing: refer to no.42 53. Sport: i used to play netball, soccer, and i danced (pretty darn well) but then i stopped bc the girls were bullying me and ruining my confidence lol i still get anxiety abt it even tho its been months 55. Vacation: Japan or Austria 56. Pair of trainers: do u think i leave my house lol yall trippin 
MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: nothing atm
58. Drinking: rn?? nothing
59. I’m about to: find some bumbin DAY6 fics to read (link a chickie up)
61. Waiting for: happiness 62. Want: for someone to genuinely love me eventually bc loving yourself can be a bit much sometimes and i need some reason to stay 63. Get married: like in my twenties lol (like anyones gonna wanna marry my ass) 64. Career: i really want to either dance or model but those are really stupid lol just let me indulge
WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: both 66. Lips or eyes: both  67. Shorter or taller: depends 68. Older or younger: older, i dont think i could handle someone younger even if its just a month or something 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: i couldnt care less abt what their arms or stomach look like as long as they are healthy 71. Sensitive or loud: loud to hide my sensitive ass 72. Hook up or relationship: both 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: both
HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a stranger: again, refer to no.7 75. Drank hard liquor: ya lol mostly @ school but shhhhhhhh 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: no 77. Turned someone down: all the time lol 78. Sex in the first date: depends how well i know them and/or how comfortable i am with them lol 79. Broken someones heart: probably 80. Had your heart broken: a lil bit but it was my fault for being so attatched 81. Been arrested: no 82. Cried when someone died: ya 83. Fallen for a friend: yeah
DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: idk 85. Miracles: i guess? 86. Love at first sight: lust? yes. love? no (but im still gonna indulge in ppls AUs) 87. Santa Claus: im??not??5??? 88. Kiss in the first date: depends 89. Angels: yeah but not like the 1s in the bible 
OTHER: 90. Current best friends name: Khairene, Nicoletta, Luis, and Anouk 
91. Eyecolor: poo poo brown but theyre very pretty and i love them 92. Favorite movie: Juno
Imma tag @m1nhks @sidemendes and anyone else who wants to lol
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jiminnieblues-blog · 7 years
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get to know me tag(s)
yoo so recently i’d been tagged to do three get to know me tags, and i dont want to make three separate posts for each so im gonna combine all of them in this one post which is under a cut bc……….its really long LOL anyways i was tagged by @lovhobe, @elementaljimin, and @protectkimtaehyung thank you so much guys!!!!!!!!!!! <333 im glad i got to know yall better asdfgh
im tagging @jiminslipgloss​, @jxxminmols​, @kismet-soo​, @baeklipse​, @sonyeondn​, @neckatie​, @kihyunswife​ and @bulletproofbookworm​ you guys are welcome to do however many of these you want lol i just didnt wanna tag people separately for each tag
i was tagged by @lovhobe​ to do the 20 questions one tysm!!  instructions: answer the 20 questions and tag 20 amazing followers you would like to get to know better. (lol yall already know i aint tagging 20 people)
name - zara
nickname - um a few of my friends like to call me zar-zar and i get called zaro by my family a lot
zodiac sign - cancer
height - 5′ 3″
orientation - straight
ethnicity - pakistani
favorite fruit - pineapple i think
favorite season - fall
favorite book series - idk um i’ll be that person and say harry potter lol i cant rlly think of a good series rn but my fave book is the kite runner 
favorite flower - i dont rlly know a lot of flowers but i like roses and the vibrant colors that orchids can have
favorite scent - fresh laundry
favorite color - purple
favorite animal - zebras?
coffee, tea, or hot cocoa - hot cocoa
average hours of sleep - five
cat or dog person - i like both but i think i like cats a little more
favorite fictional character(s) - this is hard bc i used to be in a lot of fandoms asdfghjkl draco, red & gold, percy, bakugou, link and i have more from all the drama i watch but the list will be to long lmao !!!
number of blankets you sleep with - three
dream trip - idrk?? somewhere out of the country i guess i dont leave the us unless im going to pakistan lol
blog created - i had to check my archive lmao but i made this blog in oct of 2015
number of followers - :^)
NEXT i was tagged by @eternaljimin​ for the get to know me tag tysm !! there werent any instructions just.........answer the questions lol.
a - age - fourteen lmao.........................
b - biggest fear - tight spaces
c - current time - 10:35 pm
d - drink you had last - water
e - everyday starts with - getting out of bed??
f - favorite song - im saying this just bc it just came out but RUMOR BY KARD IS A BOP WATCH IT AND SUPPORT THESE LEGENDS  
g - ghosts are real? - idk my dude
h - hometown/country - us
i - in love with - jimin?
j - jealous of - i was just watching sbs kpop star and there are these two kids who are eleven yrs old and are so talented i wish i was talented you feel 
k - killed someone - why would someone even ask this akshf ofc not
l - last time you cried - i think i cried today lmfao
m - music you last listened to - RUMOR BY KARD
n - newest thing you bought for yourself - i think the last thing i spent my money on was cheez its from the vending machine @ school ajksf
o - one wish - i wish my life went smoothly and that i wasnt mentally ill?? lmao
p - person you last messaged - @jiminslipgloss​ :)
q - questions you get asked often - since i wear the hijab i get a lot of questions abt that i also get questions on my rbf like ‘why do you look so depressed all the time’ asfkjkj
r - recommended (movie? series? book?) - i just remembered that i read this book called this blinding absence of light and it was rlly good a little explicit but it was a damn good book i rlly wanna re read it 
s - song you last sang - i dont rmbr but it was probs a track from hamilton lol
t - thanks, last person you said thanks to - the waiter that gave me food @ a restaurant i went today 
u - underwear youre wearing - not sure what this is asking but im wearing a purple one rn???
v - vacation, your dream vacation - i dont rlly have one lol
w - worst habit - idk if this counts but i lose my temper a lot? is that a habit? if not i tend to space out/get distracted a lot esp in class
x - x rays youve had - my teeth, my ankle, a few of my fingers
y - your favorite food - rice !
z - zodiac sign - cancer
for the third one i was tagged by @protectkimtaehyung​ for the seventy questions tag tysm!!!!!!
do you have a good relationship with your parents? yeah
who did you last say i love you to? um listen im rlly not tryna be edgy but i seriously dont rmbr the last time i said ily irl
do you regret anything? i regret a lot of things lol
are you insecure? unfortunately
whats your relationship status? single
how do you want to die? asdfghjkl um a painless death i think
what did you last eat? rice
played any sports? i used to play tennis and swim but now i do kung fu
do you bite your nails? no
when was your last physical fight? i kind of have......to fight in kung fu so like when i last had class lol
do you like someone? no
have you ever stayed up forty-eight hours? yeah
do you hate anyone atm? i tend to hate a lot of ppl lmao?
do you miss someone? uhm i dont think so
have any pets? no :// i used to have parakeets but i gave them away and i just recently found out that they passed away :(((
how exactly are you feeling right now? i was kinda happy but since its sunday night im starting to feel shitty bc i dont want to go back to school tmrw afjh and im rlly tired
ever made out in the bathroom? no
are you scared of spiders? yeah lol
would you go back in time if you were given the chance? this is an interesting question bc it depends like if i were given just one chance then mayyyybe id go back and change smth i did that was stupid but if were given the chance to go whenever i want then probably not bc thats way too much pressure/commitment to have a power like that sdhfa 
where was the last place you snogged someone? i havent snogged anyone lmfao
what are your plans for this weekend? sleep
do you want to have kids? how many? i dont want to have kids bc childbirth doesnt seem appealing to me but idk i might change my mind when im older/more mature
do you have piercing? how many? one on both ears
what is/are/were your best subjects? the only classes i have solid as in are art, lit, and w4p lol math and science are def not my thing
do you miss anyone for your past? from my past, yes
what are you craving right now? sleep
have you ever broken someones heart? in first grade some kid liked me and i embarrassed him in front of his friends to get him to stop liking me so yeah i was wildin in first grade
have you ever been cheated on? no
have you ever made a significant other cry? no
whats irritating you right now? my tiredness? 
does somebody love you? oh geez i hope lmao
what is your favorite color? purple
do you have trust issues? yeah
who/what was your last dream about? um i dont think i remember v clearly
who was the last person you cried in front of? my mom
do you give second chances out easily? i dont think ive been in a situation where ive had to but i probably wouldnt 
is it easier to forgive or forget? wow um can i say neither lol
is this year the best year of your life? definitely not
how old were you when you had your first kiss? havent had one
have you ever walked out naked? no
favorite food? rice
do you believe everything happens for a reason? hmmm probably idk man i dont think too hard lol
what is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? scrolling through this hell website
is cheating ever okay? no
are you mean? i probably dont come off as mean online but im not gonna lie i def get mean irl
how many people have you fist fought? i dont think ive been in a situation where i had to punch someone?
do you believe in true love? ive never experienced romantic love so i wouldnt be able to say but probably aajkf ive read/watched too much and analyzed too many relationships for me to say love is real but...........love isnt real yall
favorite weather? when the sun is covered by clouds and its a little chilly
do you like the snow? ive only encountered snow like twice so idk but i feel like i wouldnt like it very much lol
do you want to get married? idk man
is it cute when someone calls you baby? pet names arent rlly my thing lol 
what makes you happy? sleep...........im rlly tired rn 
would you change your name? no
would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? this is an interestingly phrased question lol. well i dont rmbr the last person i kissed so idk
your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? wow that would be rlly sad LMAO but id turn him down and tell him to get better standards wtf
do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? well they wouldnt be considered my friend if i couldnt act like myself around them so yes
who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? i just texted my friend so we can play video games aslfkh 
whos the last person you had a deep conversation with? literally the same dude from the last question lol
do you believe in soulmates? um no i dont think so?
id there anyone you would die for? my family/friends
thanks everyone again for tagging me !! <33
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Jesup Georgia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 31599
"Jesup Georgia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 31599
Jesup Georgia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 31599
BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://saleinsurancequotes.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 
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im 16, and my mom is making me pay for insurance for my new car. i was just wondering because my job isnt that good and moneys hard to come by these days...""
Insurance Question/Calculations?
Insurance Calculations Given a patients remaining deductible (Deductible), co-insurance responsibility percentage (CoInsurance), co-payment (CoPayment), and maximum out-of-pocket (OutOfPocketMax): 1)Use those parameters to write an equation to calculate the estimated patient cost for a $1,000 test. (You can use Excel notation if you want.) * 2)Using the same parameters, write the equation for the insurers expected payment, in the case of a $1,000 test. Calculate the patient's responsibility with the following parameters: 1) Deductible=$100, CoInsurance=15%, CoPayment=0, OutOfPocketMax=$1,000. A patient has a PPO plan with a $250 deductible with none of the deductible met. The plan has a co-insurance of 30% with no co-pay for lab services. 1)Solve for this patient's responsibility Thanks for the help!""
How much cash will be taken due to the Affordable Health Care Act?
I ask how much cash will the IRS deduct from my refund due to me not having any health insurance? OK I know its bad that I have no health care but I just found a full time job a month ago that provides health care that I can afford and use. I did not have any health insurance for the 2012 year and just learned that the IRS will take cash from you refund due to the poor, i.e, me, not having insurance. So can somebody tell me (who is actuality intelligent and knows taxes) how much cash I will loose for this B.S. Law? P.S. Please don't comment just to tell me I'm a lazy jerk who just won't spend the money to get health insurance. I work very hard and work two part time jobs just to have food and shelter. I understand that insurance is high due to people getting hurt and can't afford the bill so it gets written off. When I get hurt or sick I stay at home and heal myself, I don't abuse the system! I just can't afford the monthly payment for health care with my other bills!""
What if my medical insurance has expired and i still have refills?
if i still have like 4 refills left, has my insurance paid for it before or do i have to pay for the refills now? the insurance was medicaid""
Looking for add on health insurance my company maxes out at $25000.00?
do insurance companies sell that type of insurance
How much will car insurance cost for me?
I'm getting a 2012 Camaro SS 6.2 liter V8 for my 16th Birthday! And wondering how much car insurance cost? I've got my Drivers Permit already..
Health care insurance in ny?
What is the best health care insurance for a low income 19 year old who just got cut of the affinity child health plan due to age? Any suggestions?
NY parked car accident insurance laws.?
Some guy hit my car while it was parked in the road. He knocked on the door and gave me his insurance policy and other information. I live in Rochester, NY and my insurance provider is AIG. If i file a claim, who's insurance pays for the damages (new fender and door)? Will there be a deductible on my part? Will my premiums go up? Doesn't NY have some stupid no-fault law? Or should i just make him pay for everything out of pocket?""
What is the best place to find cheap autoinsurance for teens?
i am getting my licence soon so i will need car insurance. i will not be getting a car just using my parents car. is there any really cheap auto insurance that you all can help me find. thanks P.S. please and the link you found so i can click on it and check it out
Whats a good/affordable motorcyle insurance company?
I want to buy a Yamaha R6 but the premiums for a bike are ridiculous.. cheapest ive found was through progressive for 900$/month... thats more than my leased car payment and car insurance a month... anyone? thanks.
Jesup Georgia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 31599
Jesup Georgia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 31599
Car insurance for a 1993 Toyota Celica? ?
How much would car insurance be for a 1993 Toyota Celica? I will be 21 in August, have a clean driving record, no accidents, married with a child. I am a full time college student with a 3.2 GPA. How much should I expect for car insurance per month? The car has 160,000 miles on it. Please, no advertising websites, just real answers. Thanks!""
Full Coverage Insurance on 08 Camry?
I am about to lease my first car. I have heard that I need full coverage insurance, but am a little unsure about what this means. I have gotten quotes from several insurance companies, but I don't really understand the coverage limits that they have. A few companies have easy coverage selections (ex: a high, medium, or low degree of protection). Does full coverage mean that I would need the highest degree of protection?""
""Where can I buy cheap auto insurance in Houston, Texas?Just moved here, only paid $30/month in California!?""
Want to buy cheap auto insurance in person! In California I paid $30 a month at a place that catered to poor people basically, but had good coverage for cheap. I am not interested in paying double online with Geico, progressive, etc (as the quotes I've gotten are). Where can I get cheap basic coverage in person in Houston Texas? Thank you.""
Can i get insurance to drive any car?
My current insurance gives me third party cover on any vehicle i drive with permission from the owner. Can i get full insurance? (i am thinking of setting up a business which would require me driving other peoples cars) THanks
Which car insurance companies reserve cars through hertz?
im going to be getting me a new car and with my current insurance company they only reserve through enterprise which i am not old enough to use. hertz rents to 20 year olds. im just trying to make sure i will have an alternative way to get around if something happens to it. so which insurance companies reserves through them? or will u have to request it? because i know some wants you to pay first and they will rein-burst you
Is it required to buy insurance if you rent a car ?
Well, I'm going to tell my mom to rent a car next Thursday and I'm not sure if she HAVE to buy insurance for it. She already have car insurance from Triple A, can she use the car insurance she have for the rental car? Is that okay? When I reserved the car for Avis last weekend, it said that you can purchase a protection for the car for an extra 18 dollars, im not sure if that's insurance or not. It said its recommended, but not required. Also, no where on the site said that you have to buy insurance for the rental car. Is there already insurance for those rental cars? I'm so confused. pleease help!!""
Insurance Question??
Can you get insurance if you have a salvage title????
Does being a cyclist affect health insurance rates? How so?
A cyclist might be more at risk to injury in accidents because they're on a bicycle instead of inside a car, but cyclists are probably generally healthier.""
Cheap health insurance? Im a middle 30's single male. Is there a place I can compare quickly like car insuran?
I filled out one thing but it turned out to be almost a phishing scam. Im about to do COBRA, but I think I can get something cheaper. Im also in SC if that matters. Any guesses?""
What is the minimum pricing for teenage car insurance?
ok, my car is a 1978 Ford Fairmont. I am 17, the car's previous coverage was basic liability. the limits i want for the car is just pretty much basic liability. i just want to be legal on the road. no fancy extras added to the policy, just basic coverage. the car so far hasn't gotten into any car wrecks. it's practically in perfect condition. this is my first car and i just got my license. I'm not aware of my credit score for i've just started working part-time. Also, i'm a very good student. My current GPA is 3.57and i'm still in high school, 12th grade. and yes, i've finished drivers education coarse. Please, if anyone can help me in finding a good car insurance company for my beautiful Miss Daisy, and the possibly price of how much it will cost for basic liability i would greatly appreciate it.""
Pickup Truck insurance at age 18?
I am 18 and I want to get a Nissan Navara. I have got a quote for the non-commercial versions eg le, se and xe for 1990 which is fine, but I cant get an online quote for the D22 version. Its a 2005 D22 Navara di. It says I have to ring them as they cant give me an online quote. Does anyone know if this model can be insured on normal car insurance as I am under 21 and it will be very difficult and expensive to get commercial or van insurance.""
Ok im 22 years old and i want to buy BMW 3 SERIES 325 Ci 2dr Convertible how much would my insurance cost?
Ok im 22 years old and i want to buy BMW 3 SERIES 325 Ci 2dr Convertible how much would my insurance cost?
SR22 Insurance?
My 22 yr old sons car was repossessed. He cancelled his car insurance policy since he no longer owns a car. He was required to carry an SR22 because of a bad driving record. The California DMV will suspend his license if he does not have proof of car insurance. Hes not driving and plans to not own a vehicle for the next 6 months. How does he meet the California DMV requirements without purchasing a car insurance policy? Also, if were able to get an older vehicle and get liability insurance only on it and add the SR22 can it satisfy the California DMV? My son is desperately trying to clean up his driving record too. Even if literally purchases an older vehicle and never drives it just to meet his DMV requirement. Will his past actions of too many tickets and accidents ever stop haunting him? Finally, his car was stolen in mid 2013. The car was reported stolen and it was eventually recovered and the insurance did repair significant damages does this also count against his driving record? The damage to the vehicle all occurred after it was stolen. I'm sorry I have so many questions I'm just at a loss. I need to get him back on his feet within a year but I need to know he will be able to drive too. He realizes now he messed up. He's got a great job and makes good money but I want to make sure that these past mistakes do not haunt him forever. The good news is there are no DUI's or reckless driving. Thanks for any help!""
How do you beat the under 25 y/o car insurance scam?
We're bought a toyota corolla for $9,500 and its going to cost $1700 just to insure it, we've heard of putting it in the parents name but if you name an under 25 year old as a driver the price goes up so i was wondering if anyone knows a way to beat it""
Is insurance expensive for a 17 year old Riding a 125 ped?
i live in bromley south east london/ kent i have recently bought a Gilera Runner VXR 180 Reg as 125, im using it for college and seeing family, i have completed my C.B.T Bike is road ready MOT&Tax could anyone give me a guestimate on how much it would be on your previous experience and any good companies that insure young drivers ? thanks alot (P.S if you would like too right a smart ar*e comment please dont do it on my post, im asking for advice not a lecture)""
Is medical payments coverage needed in auto insurance?
How important is medical payments coverage auto insurance coverage. I currently have at as $10,000 coverage. Is this over kill? I have health insurance (HSA) that has a $5000 deductible per year, after that it's covered 100%. thx""
Do you think if I worked at McDonalds I could be able to afford a mustang GT and pay for car insurance?
I want to buy a mustang GT. I prefer a 99-01 year. Which would probably cost me about 400-500 a month paying car payments and car insurance. I'm only 16 years old. But I plan on getting a job when i'm 18 and buying a car. I also need to get my GED, which I start taking classes for that next fall.. because I dropped out of school for specific reasons I wont talk about here. If I work 6 hours a day and earn 7.40 an hour for 5 days a week, thats about 880 bucks a month. Plus my parents could help me out a little. I would use all the money I get from work for the car payment, insurance and gas. Would I have enough money?""
Suv insurance 16 years?
I am getting a mini suv probably a 2006 chevrolet equinox or a 2006 tuscan hyundai for my 16th birthday. I am going to have to pay the insurance on it though, I would be cosighning with my parents. They have perfect credit and also I have a 4 month old daughter who will be riding with some of the time. About how much would the insurance cost me? I'm clueless when it comes to these things. Thanks in advance. Also what is the best mini suv to buy that is under 25 thousand?""
Is it true that in PA if you don't own a car you don't need car insurance but could still drive someone's car?
I have my own car now and insurance, but I want to get rid of it and just drive my bf's extra car around. Is that legal because he has insurance on his cars? This is in Pennsylvania. Thanks.""
Drivers Ed Questions On Insurance?
Fill In The Blank Words -assigned-risk insurance, blue book, bodily-injury insurance, car pooling, collision insurance, comprehensive insurance, deductible, depreciation, financial responsibility law, leasing, liability insurance, mass transportation, no-fault insurance policy, policy, premium, property-damage insurance, warranty- 1. Decrease of vehicle value due to its age. 2. Written guarantee that the seller will make repairs for a time period. 3. Lists the average price paid to dealers for various used vehicles. 4. Requires you to prove that you can pay for damages you may cause with your vehicle. 5. Specified amount you pat to an insurance company for insurance. 6. Set amount of money you personally pay for damages that is not paid by your insurance company. 7. Written agreement between you and your insurance company. 8. Type of insurance that is not concerned with who is to blame. 9. Provides minimum coverage for high-risk drivers. 10. Several methods of moving large numbers of passengers. 11. Several people commuting to work or school in one vehicle. 12. An alternate method of obtaining a vehicle other than by purchase. 13. Protects you against claims for another person's injuries or property damages when you are at fault. 14. A type of liability insurance that covers drivers who are at fault for injuries to other people up to specified limits. 15. A type of liability insurance that covers drivers who are at fault for damages to another person's property up to specified limits. 16. A type of insurance that provides coverage to pay the costs of repair or replacement of your vehicle up to specified limits. 17. Insurance that covers damage to your vehicle from non-collision events. One word per statement. I already have some answers but I just want to be 100% sure I'm right, thanks any answers are appreciated.""
What does no-fault auto insurance mean?
I live in California which, I think, is a no-fault state. What ramifications does that have if I'm in an accident? Does it matter, in any way, whether the accident is my fault or the other driver's fault? Thanks you.""
""How much is renters insurance in Salem, Oregon?""
How much is renters insurance in Salem, Oregon for a five bedroom house?""
What is the best maternity insurance? ?
my husband and i are ttc and i am trying to find some maternity insurance for when i get pregnant. he cant apply for insurance through his work for another 5 months. so in the even that i do get pregnant, i would need insurance right away. we make too much to qualify for medicaid or any government funded insurance. ive looked at a few different companies but im wondering which is the best. monthy price isnt an issue, quality is whats important. thanks!""
""Car Insurance, please read?""
Basically I live in the UK and it's my 17th birthday in July, and I want to start driving as soon as I get to my birthday, however I am looking at what car to buy by looking at the what cars give me the cheapest insurance. However if I go to a website such as www.comparethemarket.com (not to mistaken for comparethemeerkat.com ;P) I can't get a quote as it says the date of birth is invalid (as obviously I can't drive yet) so I'm just wondering if it is illegal or something to put my date of birthday as february instead of july just to get a quote. Please don't just say things like pass your test first as I really am interested to see an estimate on how much I will be paying Also, if it is not illegal, should I put a false name and address on too, or is that part illegal while the date of birth bit it. Many Thanks""
How much does health insurance in the UK cost on average?
Btw, I live in the UK, I know we have the NHS, but my Aunty has health insurance as part of her benefits package at work and she says private healthcare is way better than the NHS. So I'm just wondering how much health insurance costs on average in the UK?""
Jesup Georgia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 31599
Jesup Georgia Cheap car insurance quotes zip 31599
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/texas-insurance-commission-isaiah-gibson/"
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haeroniel-doliet · 6 years
Text
thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me
idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time
anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings: 
1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march 
1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on
2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school
2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours. 
2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh
okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart
3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive  passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess. 
anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already  adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant. 
4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came  mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it.  and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if  you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold. 
that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks. 
also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad   badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves,  no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example. 
anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel. 
anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from  how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)  
side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my  heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit. 
anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth
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