#i dont wanna say im sad but like idk how i feel | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

augustinapril · 1 year

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today had kind of sucked

#i didnt sleep well and im just. not in it #i do not wanna exist rb #i dont wanna say im sad but like idk how i feel #i think im just tired #☆ — spencer talks #spencer vents

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moeblob · 6 months

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Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.

Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.

#my characters #waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit #deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee #and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name #deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c #man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while #he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair #ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so #its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons #but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me #and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not #fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew #and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable #while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts #and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed #so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en #so you know maybe its that idk #and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now #and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it #and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad #that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal #and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it #the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer #anyway story time in the tags again #im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note #its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him #he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times #and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea #and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you

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mla0 · 1 month

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i hate when people portray michael and/or patrick as some kind of master manipulator who was terrible to shaun and stormy. like, in the past, michael sometimes got portrayed with little autonomy, or as childish and overly innocent in a weird way. that in itself is an issue with the treatment of mentally ill characters (infantilization), but the solution isn't to argue that he's actually a monster who only wanted to hurt and mislead people. the same goes for patrick. i don't enjoy the "goofy flirty mass murderer" interpretation for very similar reasons, because in the canon patrick did indeed do some wild shit but i think it's a stretch to say it was out of malice, except maybe towards eric lol

obviously there will be different views of these characters and this isn't meant to be gatekeep-y or anything, i'm just concerned with how certain portrayals can quickly slide into negative biases towards mental illness. i think if you're going on this route you might want to ask yourself why, and consider how it could make the mentally ill people within the fandom feel when they see their own symptoms portrayed by their peers as synonymous with being dishonest or manipulative

#og #not putting this in the tags because i'm kinda just spilling my thoughts onto a post #i just saw something about michael on another site and it really rubbed me the wrong way #i know a lot of this came from habit saying all that shit in GOODBYE to shaun #i just dont understand why people think habit was telling the truth #he did explicitly say he wanted to break shaun after all. and we all know how Honest And Reliable he was with vinny #like. in the series nothing points to michael being the secret cause of everyone's woes. i would argue it was implying otherwise #and i feel... sad that i sometimes see him being blindly characterized as a complete asshole or as Super Manipulative #like... i had to deal with most people in the fandom hating shaun not that long ago until it started to change for some reason #and frankly? id really rather not watch that same bullshit happen to poor michael. the guy was just trying his best....#i sometimes see this sort of thing from people who really like shaun and i just wanna say #you don't have to twist everything michael did into some terrible action just because you feel bad for shaun #like for starters there's plenty of times where they're both wrong. or miscommunicate. or where ones right but says it in a terrible way #and it's also like. yeah michael fucked up sometimes but you'd have to be high to think the same isn't true of them all #idk. im rambling and idk how to end these tags. ummmm. yeag

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widevibratobitch · 4 months

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something about being told im 'the leading person at this whole academy when it comes to interpretation and stage intelligence' by the husband of the woman im trying (not really. but i mean. who knows) to seduce... ok boy you got me. lets make it a polycule.

#im playing it all cool and funny now but atm i legit burst into tears lol #like he said i have a 'good voice too of course' but i know realistically that is not my strongest asset #and even if i were technically perfect. which im NOT lol. the voice itself is just nothing special. it's there ig but that's about it #but its nice to know i may not be 100% useless after all #(just 90%)#also apparently the most feared and respected professor who came to the concert said. again. that he likes me the most.#which again. crying real actual tears about this all rn this means literally the world to me this is everything i have #and i have no one to share this with because im not gonna say it to my uni friend cause i dont want her to feel like im boasting or sth #(even tho she has no such qualms herself but probably because i know how. not great. it feels when someone keeps talking about themselves #and about how great they are and how easy everything is for them. i dont wanna do it back at her.#well there's also the fact that i dont think im great and this is not fucking easy to me at all lol #but idk i think the difference between us is that she actually admitted she sees no point in singing if she cant show off (thus she hates #the duet we're singing because she sings the lower part and cant show off her high notes or coloratura.#which is like. an insane take to me. i mean it i get it. kinda. if i had a voice like hers maybe id be like that too fuck knows.#but that just feels so. idk. sad to me. so self obsessed and empty. like you dont care about the music itself? about you being a part of it?#also immediately made singing with her not fun anymore. i thought we were creating something TOGETHER. but thanks for the confirmation #that you only really care about being 'better than'. yikes.#like idk this behaviour is funny and iconic in old school opera legends like yes go bite each others dicks off.#but it hits completely different when it's your own colleague let alone your friend. like damn girl. damn)#) anyway. the husband is kinda hot too now that i think of it. i really should seduce them both.#except its realistically not possible since they've both seen me cry now (she saw it like a hundred times lol)#so ive lost the hot and mysterious card alas. no uni professors romance for me

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bunnihearted · 2 months

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#i feel the way i feel and i dont owe it to anyone to hide my sadness </3333 #also i just have bpd and even somewhere many ppl have that u cant even say anything but im just having a breakdown now 🤷🏻‍♀️#anyway what i wanted to say is that i AM sensitive and emotional and stupid #and it does hurt so much when the person i want and love doesnt feel that way for me #and i feel bad saying stuff like this bc ppl dont really understand but #i dont feel..: a whole lot... for anyone but him thats just how it is #so he IS a loss he IS so hard to lose and thats just how i feel #and it hurts sm bc hes the only one i wanna talk to but i cant #i know this is smth most ppl deal with in life and like it's just part of being a human #i just everyday keep thinking of things that remind me of him or i read a book i wanna tell him abt and then the pain comes back #bc the thing is i kinda only want to talk to him abt it all bc i just dont /feel/ a lot talking to others #that doesnt mean i dont appreciate it or care i just dont know how to explain #maybe it's my avpd? but i just dont feel happy or nice or good or comfortable or excited or interested in the same way :((((#i dont know i barely know what im talking or thinking about #and i keep saying the same things over and over again im just so sad and it feels like i always will be #bc i have bpd and then the pain feels all consuming and like it will never end and its just so hard to deal with #and even if it might be true when ppl say stuff like u deserve love or you're gonna find someone else etc #im not ready to receive it bc i only want this specific person and i get that many ppl deal with unrequited love and its part of life #but i AM scared bc im 25 and i've never ever met anyone i feel even a fraction for what i feel for him #what if im someone who doesnt get many chances w ppl? what if im cursed to be alone and never find anyone i have a mutual connection to????#so therefore i just wanted thought believed and hoped it would be him #and yes i acknowledge that a lot of it was just me wanting that and not realizing reality but its still how i felt #and as a bpd girlie my emotions are all consuming 🥴#so bottom line is i kinda just wanna die bc i wanna talk to him every second bc im crazy and mentally ill and since i cant do that im in sm #pain hahahah :D #and i will complain abt it bc it hurts so much idk what to do!!!!! ☺️

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many-gay-magpies · 4 months

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i am becoming increasingly sure as time goes on that my gender is Not Cis but its like. not enough for me to do anything like god forbid tell my parents. not bc they wouldn't be ACCEPTING but because i don't feel like they'd UNDERSTAND and trying to explain it to them would be too much work when i A) barely even know how to describe it to MYSELF and B) feel comfortable enough being described as a woman/girl/female/whatever. like if im fine enough being called a girl and im comfortable in my body and don't yet feel a need to use pronouns other than she/her then what's the point of trying to explain to my mom that i find the concept of gender pretty much inapplicable to myself/kind of confining and i feel more like an amorphous forest creature than a Girl and i wouldnt mind being perceived more masculine sometimes by society at large and gender questions on forms make me uncomfortable because i'm never totally sure what to answer.

#the other day i was filling out a housing application with my parents and i noticed rhey had a TON of gender options (which rocks)#and i went back to check them out and said out loud 'i just wanted to see what they were since they had so many'#and my mom goes 'well it doesnt matter since you dont identify as anything else' (i picked woman)#and i just. felt so mildy uncomfortable. because like. shes not WRONG. i havent TOLD HER if i identify as anything else because i don't KNO #like. if i pick woman it feels a little weird and not entirely correct but if i think about picking genderqueer or something it ALSO feels #weird because it feels like im not not-woman enough to PICK something else #its just fucking weird man #and like. i know if i TRIED to explain she would hear me out and be accepting and loving and everything because she rocks #but i dont wanna make her SAD or make her feel like she needs to treat me any differently because she DOESNT #(sad because shes expressed in the past that the worst possible thing she cannimagine is her child feeling uncomfortable in their own skin)#(which i DONT i feel VERY COMFORTABLE in my skin. i LIKE my skin and my body and everything that comes with it.)#(but like. idk how to SAY THAT$#)#(and i dont feel any of this intensely enough for explaining it to be WORTH IT)#ugh.#UGH #magpie thoughts #gender tag

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cloudd-nyne · 5 months

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#having a creative rut feeling #gonna rant #im basically a giant baby and i don't handle angst very well #and i constantly worry that im just. idk mentally weak or a deeply uninteresting person bc of it.#every big fantasy artist i see is usually very into making sad or angsty pieces and like i wish i was like that #like i fall into this mental hole very very often that im just holding myself back with how many subjects i dont write or draw #but also like when i DO write dark subjects it doesn't make me feel any better??#i dont like feeling sad or angry bc once i am its extremely hard to get back out of it.#and thats scary for me.#but also i want to make art that means something instead of my nonestop slew of smut and feelgood content.#i genuinely feel so trapped by my own emotions and its sp frustrating.#i keep getting told how good for you it is to get the negative feelings out but it never helps when i do it #i just feel. worse? i dont feel good.#i kinda wanna delete the one cloud post bc it just doesn't feel good.#ugh #idk i want to have good intelligent things to say and thoughtful art to make #and everything i make feels soft and cheesey and lame.#not that i find those things lame #but just that it feels like im stuck in baby brain.#when i was a teen i would write horror stories!!! i still love horror!!!#but if i make someone suffer in fic now it feels me with this awful awful overwhelming sense of dread and guilt and i end up so upset #im frustrated at me bc this is such a fucking weird sensitivity to have. im tried of telling myself its okay #bc i WANT to feel mentally free enough to create shit that isnt just uwu soft.#i don't think im making sense but like.#you know #I've literally been bullied out of fandom spaces for only making soft content #multiple times.#so idk maybe this is a learned sense of shame #but i feel like a big over sensitive baby and like I'd be able to do so much more if i wasn't #vent ish

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g0thsoojin · 2 months

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#im like very much having a crisis right now... i mean to most ppl it isnt that serious lmaoooo #but tbh i am a loser and tumblr is 80% of my life and most of my social life #all social interactions i get are on tumblr ._.#so i dont want to keep alienating myself on it because then im just ruining it for myself and removing the only place #and source of social interaction and attention :/#i personally can not for my life comprehend this because i really dont take other peoplës venting personally #but ever since i started using twitter and tumblr i have ruined so many connections .. by venting on my own account.....#and now.. when i lost and fucked it up with the love of my life... just bc i vented and he interpreted it from his pov..#and got hurt when i wrote things abt being lonely and unwanted WHILE talking to him everyday and having him call me beautiful and care abt m #... i understand why he got hurt and i understand his pov bc it looked like i pulled away and distanced myself and only complained and that #he didnt matter to me when in fact he was EVERYTHING to me and i lived off his attention #i hate that i ruined the best thing i could ever have just bc i have this pathological need to share my every thought #like shut the fuck up... i wish i wouldve shut the fuck up and instead gushed abt how much i liked him which was what i wanted to do #my avpd just made me feel stupid bc when i did he didnt interact with those posts and then i felt embarrassed #which like i know how fucking stupid avpd and bpd makes me and i hate it but i cant stop it #god i regret it so much like my dumb ass blog isnt worth losing him over... it just isnt #only an online connection.. makes it so hard to see bc he only saw my diary where i complain he didnt see everything else :(((#so he thought that he wasnt important to me and then slowly started to detach himself from me (understandably) god i wanna die #so yeah ive started to HATE my main account. bc it has ruined so much for me. plus lately ppl have started being mean #and i get it its the internet ppl suck but i AM so fkn sensitive. and i get sad and hurt really easily #and i feel anxious abt venting bc im scared of getting a mean ask after #like... i feel so fucking alone and idk what to do. all i want to do now is vent vent vent but ive started to feel like venting is bad #and harmful and only ruins my friendships and connections and makes ppl be mean to me #i honestly wish i wouldve stopped venting every thought looooong ago #and that i had a more normal blog and had a secret vent blog and that he didnt read all my miserable posts #bc then maybe.... he wouldve actually understood how much i fkn love him and hadnt looked in other places and now i lost him #bc i really dont blame him bc i know what he is struggling with and seeing me who he cares for so much say those things...#i get it 100% and thats why im so pissed with myself for just not stopping!!!! why cant i stop????? whats wrong with me #i just feel so lonely and like no ones listening but he was listening to me i just had to be brave and go to him #plus all my venting made him think that im like in severe emotional distress every second and that i was too fragile to talk to

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hairydykecunt · 1 month

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i have this weird thing where i want ppl to be really nice to me and pet me and etc but like, i know that’s not possible, at least for me, cause no ones ever gonna see me as a cat. i’m just some guy asking for attention, not this cat you spotted and wanna call over, i am just never gonna feel as innocent as i want to. it hurts so fucking bad

#kitty talks #on the come down of the shrooms and felt a lot today and im thinking a lot and i’m just like haha idk i rlly wish inwas a cat #i wish i could never feel a thing ever. i want thr bliss cats have. i want ro be loved. i wanna be cute. i jusy wanna be small #ive been edging breaking down for so long but it really does suck i really jusy wanna be hugged but i dont wanna be Hugged i wanna be hugged #and i wanr ro cuddle but not like that. i want to be a cat that crawls into bed with someone warm bc i like their heat. i uusy #i dont know i feel so fucking weird rn and it’s mostly bc im like fuck dude is this jusy how ill be forever like am i seriously not gonna +#get over this. am i just gonna live my life begging to be loved like something im not?#am i even acearo? like i am but do i really know what i mean by when i say i dont Like that stuff?#like am i just not interested bc i know it’ll never be possible to truly Be Like That with no worry?#idont know im jusy really sad and im cold and i wish someone was kissing me right now and i wish i was being squeezed #and i am also so tired of dressing up just to feel uglier but i love dressing up and make up too much to Not do it #idk. basically. i wish i was a cat and i wish i didn’t frel ugly all the time

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catvids · 3 months

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they gave my favorite character a closed arc and wrote her out of the story 👍

#(about zero)#i dont mind the transformational character arc i think it fits but i do wish she retained some of her terseness and awkwardness #it was charming i dont think she needed to lose that in order to show how much shes grown…#pouting and kicking the dirt #it just feels like a way of saying ''yeah we are done with zero she has fulfilled her purpose. Back to being irrelevant with ye''#it worked better for meteion. felt more like she had fulfilled her purpose. her exit from the msq was graceful and satisfying #this feels significantly more clumsy. especially because the thirteenth still is nowhere close to being saved!?!?!?!?!#what was the point of all those parallels between zero n her world if you are just gonna drop em at the last second in favor of closing-#-her arc and wiping her clean of her unique character traits. What do they think you cant be a hero and also autistic?#Idk these are only my immediate thoughts and im aware they are influenced by my own biased feelings n opinions #im just smad #and im especially sad cuz i was enjoying it so much until literally the very end. i was 100% onboard with everything but then the ending-#-just had me like ''oh. thats it…?''#but i can forgive them for their transgressions against me if they make an awesome thirteenth expansion (threateningly)#edit: oh also for the record im not inherently against her being written out #id be sad about it either way but my Issue is that i think they dropped the ball on the execution #if they wanna close her book and put it on a shelf im fine with that. however if they wanna toss her book into the trash can and set it-#-ablaze Well i am less fine with that #edit edit: ok i Fully finished 6.5 and its so weird cuz everything else about 6.5 and its ending worked and was perfectly fine imo #but the way they handled zeros character arc ending…i cannot get behind that #my post #personal #ffxiv #endwalker spoilers

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skunkg1rll · 6 months

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#idk i just feel so scared????? men are soooo terrifying #like i can think a guy is normal then the more i learn pfc he gets off to rape!!!#like it really feels like all men love rape and idk it's just so...#even if they use the excuse of only fantasizing abt it .. theyre fantasizing abt raping someone (mostly raping women lol)#if they watch a show and a horrific rape scene comes on they get turned on. bc they like the idea of raping a woman. they like rape itself #if i watch a scene like that i get distressed nd heartbroken nd sad bc *i* see the humanity of the woman nd the extreme pain nd suffering #she's being caused. i dont get turned on???? i feel sad and feel empathy for her #but men dont feel empathy for pieces of meat that much is clear #idk its just so sick and vile that they see a woman being caused extreme pain and they like it #they get turned on??? wtf is wrong w them how can u even do that??#and im supposed to.... be in a relationship w a man??? who doesnt view me as a human who gets off on hurting nd abusing women.....#like even him i love said that he got off on the idea of me being asleep nd not being able to consent skksksks #how do u think like that abt someone u supposedly love????? if i love a woman i'd never think abt hurting her or seeing her in distress????#and if you're w a guy who openly admits to jacking off to raping you how do u know that he wont actually do it?#if hes in a situation w you nd he has the opportunity means nd motivation nd he knows u wouldnt say anything.. why would he not rape u???#idk men are so fkn terrifying i dont rlly wanna be anywhere near any man like theyre so sick #rape is heinous. and clearly men dont care bc theyre always the rapists so why would they care abt the fear of being raped #no idk. even if i love a man sm it hurts i dont think its safe or smart to be with one. they'll always rape or abuse or hurt u

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quasieli · 6 months

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There's an online trans support group meeting tonight and I think it'd be really good for me to go, talk with some people, maybe find some new resources, but I'm also in such a shit mood I feel like going while I'm in this state would be a waste.

#Eli Speaks #it's weekly so i could always go next week #but i also dont want to just say 'oh ill go next time' and then next time never happens for one reason or another #i just feel so foul rn #and it feels like id just be an irritable wreck during the meeting #esp cause i know 0 people #and idk how crowded it will be so there might possibly be the chance of overstimulation #i know im ogerthinking it #but im tired and sad and angry #i just wanna sleep forever

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widevibratobitch · 6 months

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