#i feel like gansey does not appear at his best in this fic but that's not a reflection of how much i love him!

[micamicster]

Super Rich Kids

Close my eyes and feel the crash...

I wrote this one on post-its on a trans-continental flight after my phone (where i was re-reading the raven cycle) died. 0/10 plane experience would not recommend but I did manage to entertain myself! And now hopefully you as well!

When Ronan pulled into Monmouth Manufacturing he knew Gansey wouldn’t be there. Adam Parrish was, though, sitting on the steps in the golden afternoon light, bike dumped to the side in dying grass. He didn’t so much as flicker an eyelid when Ronan bootlegged the BMW into an approximation of parking on the far side of the lot, which was fine because that’s how he would have parked the car anyway, whether or not Adam was here.

Ronan was pretty sure that Gansey had arranged a shift system with the other boys, to prevent Ronan from being unaccompanied on the rare occasions of his own absence. The idea of a babysitter should have rankled Ronan, but Adam did not seem particularly invested in his role. Small favors.

As he got out of the car he gave Adam his customary once-over, as brief as it was habitual. You could notice a lot in a single glance, if you were Ronan, glancing at Adam.

Adam was wearing long sleeves (his father? Or just because it was October?) and his faded camo pants, the ones Ronan said made him look like a jingoistic meathead. They had recently acquired a tear in one knee. Not in the stylish, deliberate manner in which Ronan’s own jeans were shredded, but awkwardly, in an L-shape, where they had caught on some jagged edge and given way before even careful Adam had noticed and unhooked himself. The tear gaped open at times, like it was doing now, revealing Adam’s knobby left knee and, worse, a triangle of his brown thigh.

Ronan looked away.

Ronan never allowed himself, even in dreams, to trespass beyond the carefully demarcated boundaries of Adam’s clothes. And Adam was usually helpful in the maintenance of this boundary. Unlike Gansey, who could be found working on his model Henrietta in boxers at all hours of the night, or wandering to and from the shower in a towel, absent-mindedly forgetting his clothes in bathroom or bedroom. Unlike the boys Ronan played tennis with, who stripped down casually in the locker room after practice. Unlike even Ronan himself, who’d never met a shirt he couldn’t rip the sleeves off; Adam was always fully covered.

This summer, foolishly, Ronan had imagined that this might change. Now that the hideous secrets Adam protected with his long sleeves were no longer his alone. But by now he knew what kept those sleeves in place, something that Adam had already understood: that knowing and seeing are two very different things.

For example: this. Ronan knew that Adam, like most people who walked around on earth under their own power, possessed thighs. Two of them, attached in the normal way to other body parts, such as knees and hips. To know this was one thing.

Now that he’d seen it, he couldn’t stop seeing it. The way his knee bent, and the muscle above shifted as Adam made room on the steps for him. Ronan was looking away, out at the familiar, grounding, skid marks on the concrete of Monmouth’s lot, but he could picture in their place with deadly accuracy the hinge of Adam’s knee, the tanned skin of his thigh, scattered with golden-brown hair. He could dream about pressing his face against it.

He picked up a rock and hurled it. It glanced off the side of the soulless suburban and fell anticlimactically into the grass dying by the rear tire. It didn’t help.

Adam shifted next to him, subtly.

“What?” said Ronan. “Impressed?”

“Surprised, more like. I thought you were supposed to be the tennis star.”

“You think you can do better?” Ronan pried another hunk of gravel or concrete out of the dirt and tossed it in his left hand, tauntingly.

“I know I can.”

“But?”

“But,” said Adam, with some hint of exasperation coloring his voice, “I’m not going to sit here chunking rocks at Gansey’s car to prove it. My ego’s not that fragile.” His accent slipped out on chunkin’, not as if Ronan had pissed him off enough to forget to hide it, but as if it was a word he’d never used any other way.

Ronan threw his rock again. This was, if anything, a worse throw than before, and it skittered harmlessly across the suburban’s roof.

Adam made a small but contemptuous noise.

“Don’t give me that shit, man. You know he hates this fucking car.”

“That was for your shitty aim.”

“Come on then.” Ronan hefted another piece of gravel. “Ten points if you knock out his taillight.”

“It costs a hundred and five dollars to replace a taillight on that make and model. Plus tax.”

Ronan’s brief cheer was collapsing again. “I’ll pay you a hundred bucks to bust Dick’s lights.”

Adam blinked slowly, his dusty eyelashes obscuring the contempt in his eyes for a brief moment. “I’ll leave.” (He wouldn’t).

Ronan dropped the rock. Next to him Adam sighed. Abruptly, he put out his hand. “Telephone pole. Six feet from the top.”

Ronan swept back up the rock and dropped it into his hand. Their fingers did not touch. His heart thudded.

Adam tossed the rock once, testing its weight while his gaze, cool and assessing, remained on the telephone pole. It was a splintered, tilting thing, shamed by his attentions. In one smooth, economical movement, he rose to his feet and let the rock fly. His leg went forward, knee jutting out of his clothes, his back curved, and his arm swept around in an arc, fingers scraping at the blue October sky. Ronan didn’t need to turn his head to know if the rock hit—he could see it in the brief hard satisfaction on Adam’s face.

Adam turned back to him, one eyebrow cocked.

“You’re going to have to do better than that if you want to earn that hundred,”

Adam shrugged. The gesture was disinterested, but there was a quirk to his mouth that contradicted it. “I know nothing blew up, but…”

Ronan already had another rock in his hand. “West corner lightbulb. It breaks or it doesn’t count.” Adam rolled his eyes, but turned agreeably to watch Ronan miss.

“Would you like to get your tennis racket?”

“Eat me,” said Ronan. (Maybe).

They traded shots back and forth for a while, calling increasingly specific and complex plays.

“Bullshit. Bullshit.”

“Get the government to pay for some glasses, Parrish, and then come back and try to tell me that wasn’t a fucking bullseye—”

“It wasn’t even close! You—”

“You calling me a liar?” Ronan loomed, and Adam, as usual, was unimpressed.

“Just because you don’t lie doesn’t make you right all the time! Like when you said that quote on Tuesday was Seneca. It doesn’t stop being Martial just because you’ve got a child’s sense of morality—”

“See, right there.” Ronan pointed triumphantly at an invisible scuff mark on the doorsill, marking where his handful of gravel had made impact.

Adam gave it a skeptical glance. His face was faintly flushed from exertion in the cold air, but his eyes were as cool and considering as ever. “What we need,” he said, “is a knife.”

Ronan was not allowed knives.

~

“Are you trying to stab each other in the feet? Why are your shoes off! It’s October!”

“Equal playing field.” Ronan wiggled his toes against the cold asphalt. “Parrish’s shitty knife is no match for my boots.” Over Gansey’s head, Ronan tried to catch Adam’s eye, to share a ‘can you believe him’ sort of look. Adam’s embarrassment over being caught acting irresponsibly meant Ronan could expect the look to be rebuffed, but he couldn’t help himself from trying it anyway.

Adam was bent over, eyes hidden. He carefully dusted off his socked feet one at a time before sliding them back into his shoes, as though the socks or sneakers could look any worse. A little parking lot crud might improve their appearance, actually.

Next to him, Gansey was still fussing. Without the pressure release valve of eye contact with someone who knew Gansey was overreacting, Ronan snapped, “Come off it, man, I’m not going to slit my throat while Parrish watches. He can’t afford that caliber of snuff film.”

Gansey’s concern transformed into revulsion, but underneath it he looked hurt, which was far far worse.

Adam straightened up. “We were just using it to mark where we hit. Honestly, we could have done it tossing a sharpie, but neither of us had one.” He sounded conciliatory, which pissed Ronan off. But Gansey was letting it go, returning the knife to Adam with an apologetic smile. Sorry for the fuss. Sorry for Ronan. Ronan’s bare feet were cold against the asphalt.

“Well? Are you going to throw or not, Parrish?” he said belligerently.

Adam rolled his eyes, but obligingly stooped for gravel and let one fly at Ronan’s open bedroom window, a shot he made easily.

Gansey whistled. “You’ve got quite the arm on you. How come you’re not on the Algionby baseball team?”

Adam shifted his feet, awkwardly.

“Please,” scoffed Ronan, “he’s not a team player.”

Gansey did not let it go. “Bet you’d have a better fastball than both our pitchers.”

There was a pause, during which Adam’s face clearly showed all of the thoughts he was trying to corral into a polite response to Gansey’s unconsidered enthusiasm. Ronan got there first. “Yeah, Parrish, why not hitch your wagon to the star of organized sports, like every other rags to riches wannabe?”

“Ronan!” said Gansey, Ronan’s offensiveness registering where his own had not.

“Hitch my wagon to a star?” Adam was unruffled. “I thought quoting Transcendentalists could get you excommunicated.”

“Who said I know it’s Emerson. It’s a sourceless idiom to those of us who aren’t sad little nerds.”

Adam smirked. The smirk said, I never said Emerson. His words said, “Gansey’s damning me with faint praise. No one’s going pro out of an Algionby sport team. Even tennis.”

“Ouch,” said Ronan, cheerfully. “Hit me where it really hurts. My school pride.”

~

Now that Gansey had arrived, his plans for the day took precedence over noble pastimes such as flipping pocketknives at each other’s feet. His plans involved comparing readings from various instruments and then placing said various instruments in various new locations, all of which were equally arbitrary (to Ronan’s eyes) and inaccessible. Gansey’s plans involved him waiting by the car to monitor the readings while people hiked with antennae to the outermost reaches of the signal. People, in this instance, being Ronan and Adam, Noah having mysteriously and silently fucked off, as he so often did when a job required carrying anything.

Ronan put his head down and trudged. It was brambly here, and slightly damp, and he was beginning to work up the kind of counter-intuitive sweat that appears from working in the cold, the kind that makes you colder later.

As the person leading the hike, custom would dictate that he should catch and hold the long clinging arms of the brambles for the following hiker. This presented a dilemma. Ronan compromised, and set about stomping the multiflora into the ground as he walked. Scarlet hips burst under his feet, invasive and beautiful, spreading their millions of seeds across the damp earth. Noxious weeds.

“It’s too unreliable,” said Adam, into the silence. “Sports. It all depends on… your physical condition.”

“And your condition is shit.”

There was Adam’s ironic smile. “Yes. So.” He shrugged. There was the part they weren’t saying, which was that his physical condition could always get worse. Unexpectedly.

“My dad hates baseball.” Ronan heard himself make the slip—hates and not hated—and a spark of fury burned through him, brief and inconsequential.

“My dad loves it.”

They marched on in silence.

Adam swore as a bramble Ronan had beaten down sprang up again, catching him right across the tear, where his skin was exposed. He bent to unhook it from the camo with deft, deliberate hands. “What?” he said, like he could feel Ronan’s eyes.

Ronan looked away. “Why not the military?” He kicked purposelessly at the bramble and heard Adam sigh. “And don’t tell me you never thought about it. Test scores like yours out in hicksville high school, you must have had recruiters hopping all over you like fleas.”

“Would you believe I had a moral objection?” Adam’s smile was self-deprecating. Ronan studied it.

“No.”

Adam shrugged. It, too, was self-deprecating.

“I think you had a superiority objection. You think you’re too smart for that shit.”

Adam blinked at him. “Do you think I’m wrong?”

Ronan snorted. “Hell no. You can do better than getting blown up in a desert for the United States government.”

The smile, when it came, was small and stunning. “Damned by faint praise again.”

[zephfair]

Helloooo!!! I love your fics. Idk why but I would love to read a haunted house pynch version of you haha :D I mean, if you ever need some ideas and feel inclined to write that... I would be super happy!! But obviously it is just an idea, I dont mean to say you have to write anything I say :) I just love how you write pynch, your humour, and generally your fics. And I have been craving a haunted house fic :D Anyway, all the best!!

AAAh, thank you so much! You are way too kind to me!😭 I'm sorry it took me a while to write this, and it's pre-pynch, but I hope you like it! Please let me know if this hit your craving for a haunted house fic!💖💖💖

Rated T for language, I think the only other warning is talking about standard haunted house stuff.

This could take place in canon, soon before The Raven King and definitely before Ronan's birthday and the 😘

“I’m just saying,” Ronan said for at least the fourth time in an hour, “why do you want to go to a stupid haunted house when you live with a fucking ghost?”

“That’s a good question,” Noah suddenly appeared right at his shoulder, and Ronan jumped straight into the air and grabbed his chest.

“Holy Christ, you little shit!” he yelled in a very manly voice, certainly not a screech.

“Sorry,” Noah said, sounding not sorry at all. “Did I scare you?”

Ronan swore again. “I think you gave me a heart attack.”

“I don’t know, Lynch, you might not be fit to even go into this haunted house,” Adam said.

“If you’re uncomfortable, Ronan,” Gansey began but Ronan cut off that bullshit real quick.

“I’m not uncomfortable,” he sneered. “And I’m not not fit,” he said with some confusion but then he found his stride. “I’m just saying that haunted houses suck, especially when you’ve seen some of the shit we’ve seen. Why should I have to pay for someone else to try and fail to scare me?”

“In other words, you’ve dreamed up unworldly, eldritch abominations that were out to kill you...and now you’re afraid to go into a haunted house created by Henrietta high kids,” Adam spelled it out.

Ronan bristled immediately, somehow looking just like Chainsaw when she fluffed herself out in defense. “I’m not afraid!”

“Does this have something to do with your religion?” Gansey worried at his lip and eyed Ronan carefully. “I know some religions forbid celebrating anything that reeks of a pagan ceremony. Although, the origins of Halloween are—”

“I don’t have anything against Halloween,” Ronan grit out. “In fact, let’s go trick or treating right the fuck now. I’m just saying that haunted houses … are stupid,” he finished weakly.

“Well, now that we’ve cleared that up, let’s go, Gansey,” Adam said, already turning away from the car.

“I just thought it would be a fun evening together. Parrish has the night off, and Jane told us about this project that her school does to raise funds for local children.”

“Oh, so that’s why you wanted to come. What, is she going to swoon into your arms in fright, the damsel in distress you can save?” Ronan said with as much sarcasm as he could slather on it.

Gansey froze him with a Look. “Jane is actually working tonight. I thought this would be a boys-night only activity.”

Ronan snorted and looked away. The haunted house was in an old faux-Victorian house on the outskirts of town. Ronan had heard about it before, that the high school theater kids manned the event with a lot of adult supervision to raise money for boys and girls clubs. It definitely wasn’t a high tech or expensive endeavor, but Ronan didn’t like the way his stomach clenched when he looked at the covered windows that were flashing from bright lights inside.

Adam sighed loudly. “Come on, if you’re coming, Lynch. I don’t want to spend my one night off just standing in a parking lot.”

Ronan told him what he could do to himself instead. Adam just glared, unimpressed by the vulgarity.

“Maybe this was a bad idea,” Gansey said, clearly uncomfortable by their attitudes.

“No! Go in! It’ll be fun,” Noah said and nudged Ronan in the ribs, making him shiver. “Do you want me to come with to protect you?”

Ronan shivered again. “I’m more likely to have a heart attack if you keep blowing your coldass ghost breath in my ear.”

“Come on, Lynch,” Adam said again but then he smirked. “I’ll even hold your hand, if it makes you feel better.”

“Oh, fuck you,” Ronan grumbled but slowly and very reluctantly got out of the car. Gansey smiled beatifically and led the way toward the entrance while Ronan followed even more slowly. He didn’t want to admit that holding Adam’s hand probably would make him feel better.

The line to get in moved more quickly than Ronan would’ve liked, and the screams and loud noises audible from inside were more disturbing that he would’ve liked too. They finally entered a sort of lean-to that had been built around the exterior entrance to the house’s basement.

There, a bubbly high school girl briefly spelled out the rules (no alcohol, no drugs, no guns, no knives, no violence) and warned them to stay together in the groups she made and not deviate from the marked path. They would start in the basement, working their way up through the horrors of the house until the grand finale on the third floor after which they got to take an inflatable slide to the ground again.

That was the only part Ronan looked forward to.

Then she said, “If you’re with a friend who you think might have a violent or extreme reaction to a jump scare, we ask that you please help restrain them. We value the safety of our performers. Maybe hold hands so your group doesn’t get separated and you all stay together.”

Gansey and Adam shared a Look then each grabbed one of Ronan’s arms—Gansey clutching his right bicep tightly, Adam latching onto Ronan’s left forearm. “Oh fuck you guys,” he hissed.

“We never know how our fight or flight reactions will react until they’re triggered,” Gansey hissed back.

But Ronan did know. He knew the reactions to stress were fight, flight, or freeze. And he’d seen Gansey face enough potential wasp and bee catastrophes to know that he was firmly in the freeze category. And Adam had never once fought back or fled from his father so he was another freezer.

While Ronan, well, he knew that he’d be the first to flee, if that was a choice. Sure, he might throw a punch to gain some time, but if he was alone and not having to protect his loved ones, he’d be away.

So he wasn’t amused that his friends felt the need to restrain him. But his bitterness eased a little when they moved to go down the basement steps, and Adam’s hand slid down his arm to take his hand. Gansey had done the same, casually holding onto his hand like he would a child waiting to cross the street. But Adam, he slid their hands together then entwined their fingers until his bony thumb caressed over the top of Ronan’s.

Ronan gulped and was thankful that the dark hid his burning cheeks and the loud sound effects covered his little whimper.

The first basement room wasn’t that bad as a recreation of a witch’s lair. It was dark with strategic red and purple lights on different scary looking implements. Ronan mumbled, “Satanic magic bullshit,” when a loud witch’s cackle rolled through the room and the witch popped up right in front of them.

Gansey yelled and stepped back right onto Ronan’s foot, which made him yell and swear and jerk back into Adam, which made him yell and squeeze Ronan’s hand so tightly he yelled again.

At least, that’s what they all agreed to afterward.

As the witch’s cackle continued, Gansey hurried them toward the door. “Well, that wasn’t frightening at all,” he shouted over his shoulder. Ronan didn’t answer, too busy brushing fake cobwebs off his head and out of his mouth. That was the problem with letting shorter Gansey go first—it left all the higher decorations smacking Ronan in the face and head.

Adam snickered against his back until Ronan purposely ducked so Adam got a faceful of sticky spiderweb and spit it out with a yuck.

The second room was a graveyard with fake tomb stones and several plastic skeletons that dropped from the ceiling. It was too loud to talk, with recorded screams and other so-called scary noises coming at irregular intervals.

Ronan was starting to feel a little like a stress ball, Gansey first pulling him along then stopping abruptly at a jump scare while squeezing his hand. From behind him, Adam alternately held back, straining Ronan’s arm then crowded tight against his back. Ronan wasn’t about to complain about that. He just tried to balance between the two and shut his eyes at times to keep the flashing lights from giving him a worse headache.

After the last zombie had popped up from a gravestone and menaced them, Gansey spotted the stairs and started pulling them along.

“Holy fuck, this fucking noise,” Ronan ground out, shaking his head.

He didn’t know how Adam even heard him over the growing din from the next room, but he must have. Adam pressed up against his side and breathed hotly in his ear, “How can you complain about this noise when I’ve heard the so-called music you listen to?”

“Oh fuck you,” Ronan said right as a man wearing a leather mask brandished a chainsaw at them. They all obligingly screamed and Ronan felt torn apart again as the other two jostled him in different directions.

Eventually they all got going the same way, headed down a very narrow corridor that apparently wound in a maze through the ground floor. There were scary mirrors, scary zombies, scary clowns, scary fake tarantulas and snakes, whatever was a common fear was represented somewhere.

Ronan was almost getting used to it by the second floor. The horribly loud noises were off-putting, and the flashing lights with alternating pitch-black darkness were jarring, but the jump-scares were actually tame in comparison to the stuff they’d seen.

Even Adam seemed like he was relaxing, and Ronan thought he heard Adam laugh with his forehead pressed against Ronan’s shoulder blade when Gansey got a fake snake around the neck and shrieked doing a little get-it-off-me dance.

Until they got to the stairway to the top floor. There was thick fog floating down, and blue UV lights that made white glow but left everything else in darkness. Gansey squeezed Ronan’s hand and glanced back over his shoulder. “Excelsior!” he cried and started up the stairs.

“Fuck this,” Ronan yelled back and Adam clenched his hand in agreement.

The noises had redoubled, this time combined with a pounding bass beat that was more similar to Ronan’s music than he’d admit but what also sounded like the house had a very arrhythmic, racing heartbeat. It was dark and thick with fog, only the UV light strobing occasionally.

Ronan had to admit it was unnerving. There were definitely people there, just out of reach, but the strobing light made their motion unnatural, unearthly, and only lit parts of their outfits so they flitted from place to place. Ronan couldn’t even push them away as they came closer, circling the group of three.

Then all the lights went out and something collided hard with Ronan’s right arm. He clutched Gansey’s hand even harder and yelled. Gansey had stopped so Ronan took a step closer and whatever hit him didn’t try again.

But the movement had taken him further from Adam and when something rammed into their hands, he felt Adam’s fingers slipping. Ronan was off balance and tried to turn back to move closer to where Adam should be, but something that felt like a human body fell heavily where they were linked, and Adam’s hand disappeared.

“Adam,” Ronan screamed as loudly as he could, wildly reaching, swinging his arm in every direction feeling for Adam.

“Lynch, come on,” Gansey pulled him in the opposite direction in the darkness, but Ronan was turned around in the blackness and kept reaching for where he thought Adam should be.

When he felt his hand brush soft material, he thanked God, almost sobbing, and fisted his hand in Adam’s shirt. Ronan pulled with all his strength, and Adam moved willingly toward him even as Gansey continued to pull him away.

But it was okay, he had a handful of Adam and he was never letting go again. The darkness pressed in on him, he gasped for breath, the fake fog choking him, and his hand sweated in the cotton of Adam’s shirt, his arm wrenched behind him painfully to keep clinging to Adam.

He didn’t understand why Adam let himself be pulled along, it couldn’t be comfortable, why didn’t Adam take his hand again.

Then he looked back right as the black light strobed. And he knew why Adam didn’t respond.

It wasn’t Adam he was clutching.

It was some kind of evil, possessed, Victorian doll but child-sized, in a torn frilly dress, its face a gaping maw of a black mouth and gaping black holes where the eyes should be.

Ronan screamed. He couldn’t even let go of the tight grasp he had on the doll’s sleeve—he just froze and screamed.

When the doll stepped closer right as the light went off, Ronan tore free from Gansey and ran.

Right into a wall that knocked him right onto his ass.

At least it made him stop screaming. He sat on the floor, shaking, rubbing the growing bump on his forehead until the light flashed on again.

And the doll was standing right above him.

He screamed again then saw another shirt glowing behind the doll. A familiar hand landed on the doll’s shoulder and pulled it back.

“I think you’ve scared him enough, Blue,” Adam said.

**********

Ronan sat on the curb down the street from the haunted house and gasped for air. His head hung between his knees which were currently somewhere up around his ears. He hadn’t passed out, exactly, but things had gone black around the edges and he didn’t really remember getting out of the building.

Apparently, Gansey had joined them and between the three of them, they got Ronan onto the slide that took them down to the parking lot. There a volunteer medic had examined Ronan’s forehead, offered him a bandaid, and told him to sit down for a while.

“Here, Lynch,” Adam said, and a sweating bottle of water was pushed into his face.

Ronan took it gratefully, sitting up enough to twist it open and take a long drink. It helped a little, or at least, helped calm his hyperventilating while he chugged and swallowed.

He wiped his mouth with his forearm and shivered. He still couldn’t look Adam in the eyes. “I’m sorry I ruined your one night out or whatever,” he muttered.

Adam sighed and sat down beside him, close enough that his shoulder and arm were solidly pressing against Ronan’s. It made Ronan feel grounded in a way he didn’t realize he was missing.

“You didn’t ruin my night,” Adam said, nudging him a little in the ribs. “It wasn’t my idea to come to this.”

“Yeah, but you were looking forward to it, and then I went and ruined it.”

“First, you didn’t ruin anything. And second, I was just looking forward to being with you. And Gansey,” he added a beat later.

“So you guys weren’t planning this all along?” Ronan had to ask, had to voice his growing fear that somehow they’d all conspired to laugh at him.

“Hell no,” Adam said and pulled away.

Ronan shut his eyes. Of course he had to go and piss off Adam. Way to go, Ronan.

“Lynch. Ronan, look at me.” But Adam had only withdrawn far enough so he could turn to face Ronan. He put his hands on Ronan’s shoulders and tried to turn him a little too.

Ronan finally opened his eyes to see Adam leaning very close but he hung his head again. “Do you really think we would do something to hurt you? You know Gansey loves you like a brother, and Blue loves you like a menace, and I … well, we wouldn’t ever do that to you.”

“I didn’t want to come.”

“We shouldn’t have made you, whatever your reason for not wanting to come. It was a pretty lame haunted house, anyway. And now I’ve got a splitting headache from the noises.”

“Oh shit,” Ronan’s head jerked up. “I didn’t even think about that. God, that must have been torture with your ear. Can I do anything for you?”

Adam looked at him with an expression Ronan couldn’t decipher. Finally he said, “Give me a drink?”

Ronan passed over the water bottle and watched Adam’s throat move as he drank the rest of it. He was trying not to think about swapping spit and backwash with Adam when it hit him.

“Did you actually buy me a bottle of water?” Ronan demanded. “Lemme pay you back.”

“It’s okay, Lynch,” Adam put the cap back on the empty bottle. “My treat.”

“No, that’s not right. I owe you—”

“Ronan. It’s fine. I can afford to get you a water.” Adam stretched out, leaning back on his elbows and looking way more casual than Ronan felt at the moment.

“Well, then I’ll pay you back.”

“Maybe you can buy me a burger. For lunch tomorrow?”

“That’d be awesome. Yeah. Sure.” The words tumbled out of Ronan, and Adam grinned up at him.

Ronan grinned back then hung his head again. “I just can’t believe this was such a clusterfuck. Dick is going to kill me if I ruined his night too.”

“You wanna talk about why you didn’t want to come in the first place?”

“The fuck would I want to talk about?” Ronan muttered and Adam didn’t answer. They sat in silence for a moment until he said, “I just don’t like shit like that.”

“Halloween shit? Haunted shit? Badly performed high school productions?”

Ronan smirked in gratitude at Adam’s casual snark. “Just...shit that only pretends to be scary. Like, one part of your mind is trying to fool the rest into thinking it’s reality just so it can pretend to be scared and get all that adrenaline and shit. It’s like a big con of yourself.”

“Like a lie?”

“Yeah, exactly. I get enough of that in dreams, only in my dreams, what my mind might manifest will actually kill me. If I thought up a creepy haunted doll, that thing is going to murder everyone I love. This,” he gestured back at the house, “This is just weird. I don’t get why people want to pay to put themselves in a fake situation that they know isn’t real just to feel real fear.”

Adam crinkled the water bottle until Ronan looked over at him. “I get it. I think. It’s about vulnerability and control. In your dreams, reality is terrifying and surreal and you might have to run for your life. Or come up with a way to stop the creepy haunted doll. But it’s you doing it. You have the choice to run or fight for your life, so you’re ultimately in control of what happens.”

“Yes,” Ronan said, grateful that somehow he got it. “I’m not chained down and forced to see and do things I don’t want to do. I’m in charge.”

Adam nodded slowly and nudged him. “So no more haunted houses. How do you feel about roller coasters?”

“My driving is the best answer to anyone who wants to ride an artificial scary ride,” Ronan boasted, mostly to make Adam laugh, which he did. Then Adam nudged into his side and they stayed there in companionable silence until Gansey and Blue stood over them.

“Here, Ronan. They say sugar is good for shock, so we got you some hot chocolate,” Gansey held the cup down to him.

Ronan glanced over at Adam who shrugged. “Fine,” he grumbled and accepted the cup.

“I had no idea it would happen like that, Ronan,” Blue said.

Ronan shrugged and swirled the lukewarm hot chocolate.

“I must say, I was mightily surprised to see you there, Jane. After you said you couldn’t make it,” Gansey said cheerily.

“I talked to one of the girls I know in the theater club, and she helped me out with a costume. They sneaked me in to the top floor where I just kind of hung out until they signaled you were coming up.”

Ronan looked up at Blue who looked much less diabolical under the ordinary street light. Her dress and wig were obviously threadbare and worn, and the makeup that had transformed her face into a waking nightmare looked just dark and odd without the UV light.

She shrugged sheepishly under Ronan’s glare. “I didn’t plan it to happen like that. We were going to separate you and Gansey so I’d be holding his hand when he looked back and freaked out. But when I Red Rovered you two, I couldn’t separate you.”

“Red Rovered?” Gansey interrupted.

“You know, that kids’ game? When you hold hands in a line and another kid runs at your arms to try and break you apart?”

Gansey shook his head, never having partaken in the games of ordinary schoolchildren.

“Anyway,” Blue continued, “you and Gansey were, like, glued together so I tried you and Adam instead, and that worked. Two of the other girls had to grab Adam to hold him back while I got in his place.”

They all looked over at Adam. “All I felt was someone run into me and Ronan’s hands until I couldn’t hold on anymore. When I tried to grab him again, people were holding my arms. I thought it was part of the performance until the light came on and I recognized you. And what you were doing to Ronan.”

“I didn’t mean to do anything to Ronan!” Blue insisted. “I’m sorry it freaked you out so bad; I didn’t know that would happen. I just wanted to scare Gansey.”

“It’s okay, Sargent,” Ronan said, proud that his voice was now steady. “It totally freaked me out. Your makeup is badass. You looked like a crazyass doll possessed by the devil.”

Blue smiled proudly and held out her fist. Ronan bumped it with his own. He felt Adam take a deep breath beside him and let it out in relief. Ronan bumped his shoulder into Adam’s.

“Well, I don’t know how I feel about you going to all that trouble just to frighten me,” Gansey said with a little pout.

“Drink your hot chocolate, Gansey,” Adam said and Gansey obeyed.

“So what now? Are you guys ready to grab something to eat?” he said after a long sip. “I feel like burgers.”

“Nah,” Ronan said. “I don’t want a burger tonight. Maybe tomorrow,” he glanced at Adam out of the corner of his eye, “but not now.”

“Who said you get to pick?” Blue asked.

Ronan pointed to his forehead. “I’m the one who got injured. I should get to pick.”

“That sub place out in the strip mall is doing a buy one-get one special,” Adam said.

“Perfect,” Ronan said and Blue nodded. She held out her hand which confused Ronan at first, but then he realized what she was offering. He took her hand for show but got himself to his feet then reached down and ruffled her hair. “Wear that get-up into the sub shop and they might run out screaming so we could get free food.”

She laughed, and Ronan knew they’d be okay. He turned to see Adam smiling up at the two of them so he stuck out his hand. Adam laughed and took it, letting Ronan bear some of his weight. Ronan made a big deal out of pulling him harder and closer than necessary.

“Do I get to hold your hand again too, Ronan?” Gansey’s voice broke Ronan out of his reverie.

Ronan let go of Adam and turned to Gansey. “Any time you want, Dick, any time. Even though you did leave me to the mercies of the evil doll. And you let me run into a wall.”

“Well, next time, I won’t let go,” Gansey promised with a sincerity that made Ronan a little embarrassed.

“Wow, Dick, that’s really romantic,” he sneered, to make all of them roll their eyes and say his name in various tones of frustration.

Then he slung his arm over Gansey’s shoulder and started off toward the Pig, calling behind him, “C’mon you two. Parrish, bring the doll so Gansey can play with her later.”

Then Gansey sputtered and Blue started yelling again, and Ronan felt like they were back to normal. As long as he never, ever had to go into another haunted house again.

[toast-the-unknowing]

1/2 Hi Toast, I love your fics and your posts and you insights in general, so if you are in the mode for answering such questions – can you please share what is your view on Henry in the TRK narrative? When I first read the book I couldn’t explain to myself why we are devoting time to this new character – what does he add? Why do we need him at this point of the story?

2/2 It was especially wired at the end of the book, where Gansey dies surrounded by his best friends for life... and a guy he spoke with 4 times. Everyone in the fandom loves Henry so much, and I want to love him to! Please show me the light!

I think that you're right that Henry comes out of nowhere -- we do see him in BLLB (and possibly before? that’s the first time I remember), but he doesn't show up in a substantial role until the final book of the series is already underway, and he then becomes an important character very quickly. He also already knows or very quickly gets on board with things that our main characters had to spend a lot of time learning and accepting. So it's a bit jarring, for sure.

I wonder, in some part, if his escalating role in the narrative is meant to compensate for Noah’s decreasing role; if Maggie needs some other person for Gansey and Blue to talk about things with, but with Noah decaying and Ronan and Adam doing their own shit, she needed someone new. I don’t know that he was actually essential to the way the finale plays out, but I do like Gansey having someone with him as he goes hunting Glendower and his own death, and I also understand his reasons for not bringing Blue or Ronan or Adam, so in that extent it was really nice for there to be someone else who could be at his side.

It is hard for me to remember clearly now, but I think on my first read I wasn't particularly taken with him -- I didn't dislike him, but I look back at fic I started writing when I was very new to the fandom, and he's generally not present, or only in a perfunctory sort of way. I think he really charmed me on the second read, which may be because I already knew he was coming and was ready for him, and didn’t get thrown off by his sudden appearance.

So it's definitely possible to learn to love Henry even if it wasn't your first impression! And I think it's cool of you to want to understand what people love about him instead of just writing him off, I appreciate that. I'd say some of this love might just build from hanging out in fandom, taking in more fic and art and text posts, but here is an incomplete list of things that I love about Henry Cheng to get you started. If anyone wants to add, feel free to reply or reblog:

he's dramatic and over the top and FABULOUS

all of his dialogue is hilarious

when Ronan gives him shit he throws it right back at him

he throws a toga party, he’s like the fun parts of a frat bro but less gross

he's very observant and I find that interesting in a series where there's a lot of secrets and people learning things at different times and also people being kinda dumb about some stuff

when he gets kidnapped he's afraid but he also keeps his wits about him

when he gets kidnapped he's wearing a Madonna t-shirt and no pants, HENRY

just, everything about the scene where he stops by Blue's school

he's a character who is outrageous and fun and silly, but then he's much more serious than he originally comes across, and that's a character type I personally enjoy a lot, that “oh, you thought I was a comedic relief, you fool”

while we don't get a ton of time with him, what we do get implies a lot of other really interesting stories, like, he spent his high school years facilitating top secret black market dealings between his mom and Declan Lynch, WHAT

the side effect of him IMMEDIATELY becoming so important to Gansey and Blue is that there's some really wonderful shipping potential, “hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but come meet my parents the same day that my girlfriend does and then go on a world wide year long road trip with us, maybe?” YOU KNOW, HOW BROS DO

[greenmantle]

call down the hawk, live thoughts

hi all. i just finished this book (this book!!!) and while i read i took random notes. if you’ve read my re-read posts from trb and tdt, you’ll know the drill, which is: i comment only on what i personally find to be important at any given time, i am largely incoherent, i’m just trying to have fun with these books i love deeply and only kind of understand.

this is the first one of these posts i’ve done for a book i haven’t discussed with anyone at length! i’m not a big theorizing person on my own, so many of my theories are small, underdeveloped, and obviously not true.

anyways, the post is under the read more! sorry it’s deeply long i just have a lot of feelings! also i wrote it all in wordpad which does not have spellcheck. please ignore any and all ridiculous spelling errors thaaanks

prologue & chapters 1-8, aka the sampler chapters I've already read

"he was proud of the family name...his mouth was always shaped like he'd just finished saying it." go ahead and say lynch out loud and you'll agree ronan clearly has his lips perpetually pouted

how many times will i read the name nikolenko and feel my brain wander away because its syllables are too similar to prokopenko? i suppose i'll find out

love that declan says massholes. love declan eating a "sad yuppie candy bar." declan is my best friend and i love him even if he's boring

1101 is ronan's birthday which according to my posts about the sampler is different, because that was listed as 1114. still wrong ronan was born on my birthday in october (not canon)

chapter 9 and beyond

TWENTY-THOUSAND-SQUARE-FOOT HOUSE

sad. ronan and adam do love each other, so much. they care about each other. sad.

gansey currently chained to one of the largest black walnut trees in oregon. love

similarly love this cow balloon situation, very fun

matthew calling ronan out on not just saying i love you to adam. kid.

listen i'm going to say this knoiwng i am only on page 93 of a several-hundren page book, but i love declan and i am frankly tired of everyone who is wrong about him because he cares and loves and he's my friend and he goes on internal monologues about the efficacy of people as safety devices in his brother's life and delegitimizes his own love for his family because he was the less-loved, human child who had to understand firsthand his parents flaws when his brothers did not have to and i love him. and i'm hoarding information about him forever (like needing an antacid to eat a burrito). if you don't like declan your mom's a ho etc. etc.

trying to reconcile the nightwash with trc canon because it's not making sense to me tbh but i also don't have all the information yet. however i love you jordan and hennessy and your four other clones.

I'm sorry, this lady just told ronan and declan they're like a podcast. THE HUMOR.

more about angie. ronan is very sweetly naive asking if she runs the market because she was behind the desk in the otherwise empty lobby. i love him

"most men do not go to mass every sunday and most men do not fall in love with other men." ronan, honey,,

oh man oh man aurora WAS a dream of a real person wasn't she

nvm

22740 zipcode results in: sperryville, va. sperryville. like the boatshoe.

don't know how i feel about my new best friend jordan flirting with my established best friend declan

NVM TO THE NVM ABOVE??

this whole hotel scene is making my brain melt so much is happenning at once. also fuck you niall lynch

this dream where grown up adam feeds ronan a tomato. ronan really does have the wildest desires re: intimacy

HE HATED NEWS STORIES ABOUT PLASTIC IN THE OCEAN. god ronan. call blue. your climate and environmental anxiety needs direction

maybe i'll just spend the rest of this book imagining niall as derry girls james who picks up a northern irish accent

BLUE SAYS BOUDICCA IS THE ORIGINAL GOTH

something very sweet and juvenile about ronan referring to the old women in the mask room as "ladies." similarly juvenile for gansey to refer to boudicca as an "all-lady" group

"thank god," declan said. "you can if you like, matthew said, "but i dressed myself." SCREAMING

this Uncle guy is a facebook minion meme person

why did niall lynch dream himself a car that he still needed to purchase gas for. loser

200 pages in and a brand-new, super interesting mystery has been introduced in LILIANA, who i adore already. scary explosion girl

"i saved your life because i love you" crying emoji crying emoji crying emoji

'it was possible no two students at aglionby had ever come away with such a thorough understanding of latin (or, possibly, of each other).' maggie you're a hoot

i miss adam. i'm about halfway through the book and hoping he makes more appearances but feeling like i'm out of luck :(

adam drove up for ronan's birthday to surprise him. insert literally any crying gif here

those two bullet points were separated by at least three chapters

"he was senselessy turned on" is the most overtly sexual one of the main characters have been in these books maybe? i mean i know gansey and blue's not-kiss and yogurt sharing were both very sexy moments but

dreaming with the whole world's imagination instead of just his own!!! wow!!!

idk what liliana does exactly but i adore her the most

adam always being in the market for new skills i love him

oh they referenced one of my favorite scenes, ronan teaching adam how to drive stick, which then allowed him to steal gansey's car. romance

"what, as the kids say, the fuck?" ronan you are 19 years old you are the kids

declan got ronan a zoo membership for his birthday that's very cute

ronan just turned 19 yet declan said that matthew is a month shy of 18 this math does not add up. matthew was 15 in trc

i went to bed at this point so the rest of these notes are from before and after work haha

liliana's chapters all being narrated by other characters is so interesting. it reminds me of ronan not having any chapters in trb so that his story could be a mystery for the second book, except this time we're getting absolutely no insight into her as a character because all of the characters she's interacting with are strangers. she's a complete mystery who sucks all the sound out of the world and can bless children and make houses nice

the old woman is very cold..is liliana what adam saw while scrying, the thing that's scared of bryde? he also came to very cold. probably not but if she is: i said it here

i love wendy the diner waitress calling ronan and hennessy kids and not being phased by ronan's bad attitude and patting his hand and telling him he reminds her of her boy and putting a whipped cream smiley face on his waffles

liliana is looking for hennessy and hennessy has been having the dream for ten years and it's just like adam described. so i still think liliana is the thing they've both seen

(also ronan called adam his boyfriend which is cute and good. also psychic!)

ah probably nvm about liliana because it appears she is a visionary, which i probably should have figured out on my own

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm almost certain i once read a fic where declan was actually the son of a human woman and then aurora was dreamed and had ronan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

aurora is a dreamed version of a real woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

man, fuck niall lynch

this is like the weirdest week in declan's deeply weird life. poor guy

MANAGEMENT?

ronan apparently calls all of the small girls closest to him maggot

i've finally decided to google what a psychopomp is. it's a spirit guide, in case you too didn't care to look it up despite maggie referring to opal as such no fewer than a hundred times.

carmen is definitely going to end up on the side of the dreamers by the end of this series...or at least i hope. liliana saying she'l follow her anywhere when she punches ramsay....

ronan: bad teacher

biggest surprise of this book is that declan seriously, genuinely loves art

feels like carmen and liliana are gonna get together?

ronan asking hennessy not to let him be the only one...very sweet....very trc ronan lynch who doesn't understand what he is

sargento

hennessy and ronan holding hands as they start to dream is so very sweet. my favorite new best friends

'ronan had loved richard c. gansey iii far more than he loved himself at that point.' SAD

this is way more of a cliffhanger ending than any of the trc books and i'm mad about it.

if you read all of this honestly bless your soul. someone please talk to me about this book.

[emjenwrites]

This is for @ganseyweek. Monday, August 12: Out of Time/Live Forever/Love you til the very end

Not sure how well this answers the prompt, but here’s a fic with my two favorite TRC characters interacting!

In the books there’s no indication of whether Declan knows Ronan didn’t actually try to commit suicide. This fic operates under the assumption that if he did figure out what actually happened, there was a period of time right afterwards when he thought it was a legitimate suicide attempt.

Warning: Suicide, blood

There is blood on Gansey’s boat shoes. There is also blood soaked through the knees and legs of his Egyptian cotton pajama pants and splattering the light blue polo shirt he’d pulled on before leaving Monmouth. He’d rinsed his hands with a hose before driving to the hospital, but there’s still blood under his fingernails. There might be blood in his hair and on his face, but he has been avoiding places with mirrors so he doesn’t have to know for sure. All the blood is drying now, fading from brilliant red to dull brown. Gansey had been hoping that would make it easier to pretend it wasn’t blood, but it turns out that’s not possible. He really wishes it was possible to pretend he isn���t covered in blood.

He tries not to think about where the blood came from. He tries not to think about Ronan lying in a pool of his own blood with his wrists cut open. Gansey feels like he missed something. He’d known Ronan was struggling--it was really impossible not to know--but he hadn’t thought something like this would happen. Gansey has died, and he generally feels like Glendower made a mistake giving him his life back. Gansey knows much more about death than most boys his age do; shouldn’t he have known his best friend was suicidal?

Gansey comes back to himself in a chair in the waiting room. He realizes he’s been rocking back and forth and forces himself to stop. He is a Gansey, he is supposed to always appear to have things well in hand. He can be shattered about Ronan as much as he wants, as long as no one can tell. He looks around the waiting room. The only other person is the guy at the desk who is either watching a sitcom on his computer or falling asleep, perhaps both. No one has seen Gansey’s lapse in control.

He chews on his tongue while he tries to get everything together. Any minute now a doctor might come out of those swinging doors with important information for him, and he needs to be ready to handle it. He doesn’t know what to do. What do you do when your best friend tries to commit suicide? Gansey doesn’t know. He’s scared. He’s scared and he wants Ronan to be okay and he doesn’t know how to handle any of this.

He’s so caught up in his own panic that he almost doesn’t realize when someone else comes into the waiting room. He looks up at the last minute and sees Ronan as he was just a couple months ago when Niall Lynch was still. His heart stops and for a moment he thinks he’s seeing Ronan’s ghost, going off somewhere that Gansey can’t follow him. Panic tightens in his chest. No, Ronan can’t die. He can’t.

“Gansey,” the figure says. “How is he?” And Gansey realizes it’s Declan.

Gansey has never seen the oldest Lynch brother anything other than completely put together. Declan is not put together now. He was wearing sweatpants and hoodie with his school Oxfords. He has rings under his eyes and looks groggy. His hair was an unstyled mess of dark curls. That was why Gansey had mistaken him for Ronan. A couple weeks ago Ronan had shaved his head, but before that he’d had a head full of dark curls. Declan’s hair was always so perfectly styled Gansey hadn’t realized the older Lynch brothers had the same hair.

“Are the doctors with him?” Declan asks.

“Yes,” Gansey says. He rattles off the information the doctors gave him the last time they came out to update him. “I haven’t heard anything in a while,” he finishes. “I don’t know how he is.”

“Well, Matthew was alright when I left Aglionby,” Declan says. “That bodes well.”

“What?” Gansey asks, wondering if Declan has lost track of what brother is in danger.

For a second Declan looks surprised, like he just realized he said something he shouldn’t have. He rubs his eyes. “Nothing, don’t worry about it.”

Declan wanders away to harass the guy at the desk who jerks awake with wide, guilty eyes when Declan leans across the counter to tap his shoulder. Gansey goes back to worrying and trying not to look as terrified as he actually is.

After several minutes Declan comes back looking frustrated. “He doesn’t know his head from a hole in the ground,” he growls. “I should-” he visibly restrains himself. He runs a hand along the back of his neck, staring at the floor for a minute, before straightening up again. “I’m going to call Matthew,” he says and turns away, pulling his phone out of his sweatpants pocket.

“Okay…” Gansey says. He isn’t sure why Declan hadn’t brought Matthew along when he left the Aglionby dorms if he was just going to call him, but he figures asking wouldn’t be a good idea.

“Hello, Matty?” Declan says into the phone. “Hi, are you okay?” There’s a pause while Matthew responds. “No,” Declan says. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay. If you start feeling weird, you’ll call me won’t you?...Thank you...I’ll talk to you later, Matty.” he hangs up and turns back to Gansey, rubbing the back of his neck again.

“You didn’t tell him,” Gansey says before he thinks better of it.

“I don’t know how,” Declan says. Gansey doesn’t say anything to that either. He’s facing the same problem with Adam. He hasn’t called the other boy even though it’s been hours. He tells himself it's because he doesn’t want to risk making Adam’s father angry, but he’s also avoiding having to tell Adam what happened. Adam’s going to be angry when he finds out Gansey didn’t call him right away, but Gansey doesn’t know what to say.

Regardless of when he tells Adam, he probably should call Noah and tell him what little he knows. The other boy vanished shortly after leading Gansey to Ronan, and Gansey was too busy calling 911 to wonder where he’d gone. Gansey pulls his phone out. There’s blood smeared across the back of the case. He shivers and unlocks the device only to realize he doesn’t have Noah’s phone number. That’s odd. He doesn’t understand why he wouldn’t have gotten Noah’s number when the other boy moved into Monmouth. He’ll have to make sure to get the number when all this is over.

Declan drops down into the chair next to him, still rubbing the back of his neck. They sit in silence for several minutes. Declan fidgets restlessly, fingers tapping on his knees. “Do you think I should pray?” He asks suddenly. 

Gansey is taken by surprise. He hasn’t believed in God since he died at age ten and was rescued by a Welsh King not an omniscient being. Declan doesn’t strike him as someone who would believe in God, but then again Ronan doesn’t either and Ronan is one of the most devout people Gansey has ever met. Maybe Declan is the same way. “I guess,” he says, unsure of what the right response is. “If you think it will help.”

“I don’t,” Declan says haltingly, like he’s admitting something. “Think it would help, but maybe I should do it anyway.”

Gansey isn’t sure what to say to that. 

Declan does not pray, but he does go back to fidgeting. After several more minutes of this he throws himself back to his feet, paces back and forth a few times then says, “I’m going to call Matthew again.”

“You just called him half an hour ago,” Gansey points out. “He’s sleeping.”

Declan just looks at him for a long while, then he sinks into the chair next to Gansey again and leans back, staring up at the ceiling. Gansey feels like he should say something comforting, but he doesn’t know what would be appropriate. Instead they just sit in silence.

“Thank you,” Declan says after what feels like a very long time, “for calling me.”

Gansey feels guilty. Declan is Ronan’s legal guardian so he should be Ronan’s emergency contact. However, since Niall Lynch died, it seems that Ronan got that changed and made Gansey his emergency contact. It had taken Gansey far too long to realize that no one had called the oldest Lynch to tell him what was happening.

Gansey doesn’t know what to say. In this moment it’s obvious that, no matter how dickish he is to Ronan’s face, Declan truly cares about his younger brother. What do you say to someone whose brother doesn’t even want them to know if they get hurt? “It’s the least I could do,” Gansey finally says.

It’s the least he can say.

[swimmingwolf59]

Until I Turn to Dust

(A/N) I can't believe it took me until my last fic to include Declan and Matthew smh It's been so much fun writing for pynch week this year!!!! The prompts were fun and it was cool to see what everyone else's takes on them were as well~ THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING, COMMENTING, AND PROVIDING SUCH AMAZING SUPPORT IN GENERAL I CAN'T THANK YOU ALL ENOUGH <3 You gave me the motivation I needed to actually sort of stay on schedule xD;;

I really hope you enjoy the final fic, and thank you so much again!! :')

P.S. The Script song I used for the quote and the title of this chapter is very pynch in my opinion, please check it out!!

I fell for you and I never got up

I stay here forever ‘til I turn to dust

Just take every minute make it last for life

24/7 baby 3-6-5.

-“The Energy Never Dies” by The Script

Every moment of his waking life, and often his sleeping one too, Ronan feels like he has accidentally stumbled upon happiness.

He never thought he would meet someone like Gansey, who sticks with him even through all of Ronan’s worst hours, who was and always will be the friend that Ronan has needed more than anything. He never thought he would meet someone like Blue, who challenges him every day for being an asshole by also being an asshole, something he didn’t realize he loves as much as he does until she came into his life. He never thought he would start to get along with Declan, that he would actually maybe look forward to the times when all three Lynch brothers can be together.

And most of all, he never would’ve thought in a million years that he would meet someone like Adam Parrish. Someone who is so bright and sarcastic, someone who was given the shittiest hand in the entire world and through pure grit and determination got himself to someplace better. Someone who can and dares to fight back with Ronan but then can also pick him out of the dust and remains of his worst fears and give him something to hold onto. He’s been in love with Adam for two whole years, and not once during that entire time did he think he would ever get to kiss him. That Adam would kiss him back. That Adam goddamn Parrish would say yes when he asked him out.

But he did.

It hits Ronan especially hard in the early hours of the morning, when he’s watching Adam sleep peacefully beside him, that he is so incredibly lucky to have stumbled upon this kind of pure and relentless happiness. Just earlier, Adam had let Ronan leave kisses all over his body, especially his hands, and he’d blown Ronan so hard that minutes after he could still see nothing but stars and Adam Adam Adam. Ronan learned that Adam looks gorgeous with sweat sticking his bangs to his forehead and with that tiny little smile that Adam saves just for him. Ronan also learned that Adam is extremely ticklish on his ribcage, something that he plans to take full advantage of in the future.

He feels blessed every moment that Adam Parrish has let him be this close to him, for allowing him to love him and to be loved in return. Ronan is closer to Adam than anyone else has been before, he’s pretty sure, and it blows his mind.

It’s literally the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

When he wakes up that Sunday morning, Adam is practically sprawled on top of Ronan—not an unusual occurrence, considering that Adam’s mattress is the smallest thing in the entire universe—and Ronan has never felt so content and happy. There’s drool drying on his shoulder where Adam’s head lolls and one of his knobby knees is digging uncomfortably into Ronan’s thigh, but he never wants to move again. Adam smells like his pine-scented aftershave and oil and his warmth against Ronan is perfect enough to make him think he died and went to heaven.

Because this would be his heaven – getting to lie in bed with Adam for all of eternity, drawing his fingers gently through his incredibly silky hair and admiring his beautiful hands.

There is no place he would rather be so he refuses to get up, even though he knows Declan and Matthew will be here soon for church and that he actually needs to put a suit on. Instead he entertains himself by counting the freckles on Adam’s shoulder blades. He keeps losing track and having to start over again, but he’s at ninety-three when someone knocks concisely on the door, rousing Adam.

It’s obviously Declan, so Ronan stubbornly remains in bed as he calls out, “It’s open!”

Declan walks in, scans the room for a moment, and then swears and puts a hand over his eyes. “Jesus, you didn’t warn me you were indecent!”

“I’m always indecent,” Ronan snorts as a very sleepy Adam rolls off him and nearly onto the floor in an attempt to get up. “Relax, it’s not like we’re naked.”

A blessing that only occurred because Adam had predicted last night that they would not be able to wake up and get dressed before Ronan’s brothers appeared. Ronan loves how right Adam is about these things.

“What time is it?” Adam asks between a loud yawn that gives Ronan an amazing view of his teeth and bruised lips.

For this first time in his entire life, Ronan kind of wants to skip church.

“Nine – Ronan should’ve been ready ten minutes ago,” Declan says irritably, hands on his hips.

“We’re above the church, it’ll literally take us ten seconds to get down there,” Ronan argues as he pulls himself off of Adam’s mattress and pokes around the room in search of his dress pants. He knows he brought them to Adam’s place last night, but he lost track of them in the heat of the moment.

“And yet we’re still going to be late!” Declan snaps.  

Ronan ignores him and, finally finding his pants, starts to get dressed. Matthew, ever the ball of sunshine and never one to be deterred by his older brothers’ bickering, dashes into the apartment and nearly tackles Adam to the floor in what must be a spine-crushing hug. “Adam, my man! Are you joining us today?”

“No, I have some homework to catch up on,” Adam says as he awkwardly pats Matthew’s head. The idea of church has always been a little bit uncomfortable for Adam, Ronan knows, but he’s pretty sure he’s the only one who picks up on the uncertainty in his tone. “Say hi to Ms. Bertha for me, though.”

Ronan snorts loudly. “Ms. Bertha! Everything’s always about Ms. Bertha.”

He doesn’t actually have anything against the old lady; she’s been kind to Adam, like secretly leaving food on his doorstep or bringing him clothes she convinces him no one else will take, methods that Ronan greatly approves of. It’s just that every time he talks to her now she asks him things like: “How is Adam today?” or “Are you treating Adam well, Ronan? That boy deserves the world.” And while Ronan agrees, it’s fucking annoying; he hates having to talk about his feelings for Adam, especially to other people. It’s embarrassing.

Adam, knowing all of this, just smirks at him. His bedhead and the still sleepy look in his eyes makes Ronan want to pounce him. “You jealous, Lynch?”

“No, why? Should I be? Didn’t know you were into old hags, Parrish.”

Adam throws a pillow at him, making Ronan snicker. Declan scoffs loudly and taps the expensive watch on his wrist impatiently. “As riveting as this old married couple bickering is, we’re late, Ronan!”

“Christ, calm the fuck down will you?” Ronan snaps back, irritably tugging his tie on. “I’m ready, I’m ready – it only took me like two minutes!”

“And yet you can still never bother to be on time!” Declan rolls his eyes before grabbing Matthew and pulling him out the door. “Come on then!”

Ronan’s about to follow, complaining all the way of course, when Adam suddenly grabs his shoulder. “Wait.”

“Can’t get enough of me, Parrish?” Ronan teases, leaning into Adam and wrapping his arms around his waist.

Adam rolls his eyes, but doesn’t gift Ronan with the satisfaction of an answer. Instead, he just starts fixing his tie, his long fingers making deft work of the shimmery fabric. “You’ve been going to church every week of your life and you still can’t tie your tie properly.”

“It’s a fashion statement,” Ronan retorts, deciding to be annoying by attempting to kiss Adam while he straightens his tie.

“You’re a menace,” Adam says, making Ronan cackle. But suddenly Adam is pulling him forward by his tie, leaving a firm kiss on his lips. Ronan stares at him in wonder, his knees starting to wobble at the suggestive smirk on Adam’s face. “You’re much more attractive when your tie is on straight, though.”

“…Why do you always do this when I have to leave, Parrish?” Ronan groans, reaching up to tangle his fingers in Adam’s hair as he kisses him desperately.

“You only ever dress up when you’re going to church – what else am I supposed to do?” Adam teases, but Ronan is about two seconds from deciding to wear a tie for the rest of his life.

He’s about to say this out loud, but Declan’s annoying voice hollers up the stairs, “Ronan! We’re missing the service!”

Ronan growls and kisses Adam one more time before retreating reluctantly. “My suit will still be on afterwards, Parrish,” he says as he pounds down the stairs.

When he looks back up, Adam is leaning on the handrail, grinning at him. His hair is a mess and he’s wearing nothing but one of Ronan’s tanks and his boxers and for the millionth time Ronan is almost drawn back upstairs. “I look forward to it, Lynch.”

Declan pulls him away before he can say anything more, and Adam’s words replaying over and over again in his head is the only thing that keeps him from growling at him for it. Matthew sidles up beside him as they walk into the church, quietly sitting down in a pew near the back, and whispers, “You two are cute.”

Ronan blushes, but he can’t respond to that either because the service has already begun.

The three brothers fall into silence; going to church is the only time the three of them are still and quiet around each other instead of yelling and roughhousing. Ronan tries his best to pay attention to the sermon, but more often than not he finds his mind trailing back to Adam. He wonders what he’s doing right now, if his eyebrows are furrowed in that cute little expression of concentration he has, or what his hands look like working right now…

Every time, he has to forcibly derail his thoughts before they become too graphic for the inside of a church.

When the sermon is over and the space becomes open for confession, Ronan gets in line behind Declan, like he always does. As he’s waiting in line, he thinks about how different of a place he’s in now. He’s spent most of his life hating himself for who he is, either because of his dreams or because of his sexual orientation, and now he has a boyfriend, one that he loves openly and with his entire being. Declan, Matthew, and some nice old ladies (including Ms. Bertha) that are friends of the family know about Adam and don’t shun them for it. It’s amazing to him. He’s in love with another man and no one has struck him down yet.

But he still hasn’t said it out loud. He’s introduced Adam as his boyfriend to a select few people, but he’s never said those three little words, or told anyone else in words how much he loves Adam. Though part of it is because he’s extremely bad at talking about his feelings, he wonders now if part of him had always been afraid that something terrible would happen if he said it out loud. If it would somehow ruin his happiness instead of expanding it.

He thinks of Adam’s sleepy little smile and wonders if it’s time to stop being silent.

He makes up his mind right as Declan comes out of the confession box and pats him on the shoulder. The touch could mean anything, and probably means behave yourself, but Ronan likes to think of it as encouragement.

Ronan shuffles into the confession box and sits down. He can see nothing but the grated window and it makes it easier to pretend he’s alone, even though he can hear the minister breathing on the other end. He takes a deep breath, rubs his hands over his buzzed scalp. Father Arnold is always patient with him, more patient than Ronan thinks anyone in his entire life has ever been with him, and best of all doesn’t push him to talk. They’ve had many confessions where they just sit in silence, Ronan either struggling or disinterested in saying anything. As he takes his time finding his words, he knows that Father Arnold knows it’s him. He always seems to know, even though it’s supposed to be anonymous. To be fair though, Ronan is probably the only person who has sat here for years, fighting with himself to say out loud what he hadn’t even let himself think until recently.

His second secret. The one he’s kept so locked up that for a long time he’d even kept it from himself.

Except, it’s no longer a secret: he’s told himself, and maybe even more terrifying he’s showed Adam. He showed him his deepest darkest secret, and by showing Adam he’d also shown Declan, Gansey, Blue, Matthew, Henry, and those old ladies.

And now, for the first time in a long time, Ronan has something to say.

“Father, I have sinned,” Ronan eventually murmurs, though it still takes him a while to force the words out. He takes a deep breath and clenches his fists at his sides as he continues, “But it doesn’t feel like I’ve sinned.”

Father Arnold doesn’t even sound surprised as he says, “And what is it that you did?”

This part is even harder to admit. Ronan has never uttered it aloud, not even to Adam. He doesn’t know how to form the words in his mouth. He has kept this secret for so long that it’s hard to tell, even though he wants to.

“I kissed Adam Parrish,” he finally blurts out, and he feels free, elated, terrified. Something tight in his chest throbs and releases and suddenly he’s free falling, open and unrestricted but with absolutely no idea where he’s going to land. “You know, the guy who’s renting the room upstairs? I kissed him and asked him out and he said yes. And Father, it’s the best goddamn thing that has ever happened to me.”

Realizing belatedly that he shouldn’t have used that particular curse in confession, he mumbles, “Sorry.”

Father Arnold is silent for a long time, silent for so long that the wide open space inside Ronan starts to close up again and suddenly he’s purely afraid that he fucked up. That Father Arnold will break his code and go out and tell the bigots at the church and they’ll be shunned and mocked. Adam could lose his apartment and God Ronan hasn’t thought this through at all…

“Being in love is not a sin, Ronan,” Father Arnold finally says, and the use of his name almost surprises Ronan more than the actual words. “Love is compassion, and compassion is what makes this world our Lord has created great. Compassion is what makes connections, brings you fulfillment, and improves the lives of yourself and those around you. You hold so much compassion within you Ronan that I’m sure it must be hard for you contain it, but it is never a sin. You have found someone that means the world to you, and that is okay, even if he is another boy. You will help each other and grow together, and I sincerely believe that that is a good thing. The Lord is happy as long as you are happy.”

Ronan has no idea what to say to that, his heart is pounding so hard he isn’t sure he can say anything at all, but before he can figure it out Father Arnold continues, “Are you happy, Ronan?”

“Yes, Father,” Ronan replies immediately, his fingers loosening their tight grip on his pants. “Adam makes me so happy that I don’t know how to handle it sometimes.”

“Then you are where you are meant to be, my child,” Father Arnold says, and Ronan can hear the smile in his voice.

He swallows thickly. “Thank you, Father.”

And then he practically runs out of the confession box because he needs to move, to expel the sudden elated energy that explodes inside of him. He ignores Matthew’s surprised expression as he runs out of the church, feeling wild and hyper. He wants to laugh, he wants to cry, he wants to roll on the grass and set the world on fire because he feels so alive. Everything is going his way for once and he feels like he doesn’t have to hide who he is or be afraid.

He’s never felt so light and free in his entire life.

Declan is standing outside waiting for them when Ronan crashes out of the church like a crazy person, and he jumps a little as he looks up from his phone. “Ronan, what the hell—?”

But Ronan ignores him too and pounds up the steps back to Adam’s apartment, not even bothering to knock as he barges his way in. Adam is sitting exactly where he imagined he would be, huddled over his desk, his eyebrows furrowed as his brain works out what appears to be a complicated calculus problem.

He looks up as Ronan enters, not even surprised. The soft smile on his face makes Ronan’s heart soar even higher. “Hey, you. How did it go?”

Ronan doesn’t bother to reply, he doesn’t think he can express the flurry of emotions in his chest, so he just runs over and scoops Adam up in his arms, holding him as tightly as he can and swirling him around in a circle. Adam lets out a surprised yelp, looking frazzled as he grips onto Ronan for dear life. When Ronan sets him back down on the ground, he frowns and presses the back of his hand to Ronan’s forehead, like he’s worried he has a fever. “Are you feeling alright?”

And Ronan laughs, because really, what a question.

“I’ve never felt better in my goddamn life,” Ronan says, and he leans in to kiss Adam breathlessly, pressing their foreheads together. “I love you, Adam.”

It’s the first time he’s ever said it out loud, and it feels like a giant weight is lifted from his back. He feels like he could run a marathon, swim across an entire ocean, pull at least ten things out of his dreams at once. Seeing the startled look on Adam’s face, though, he hurries to add, “I don’t expect you to say it back or anything, I just…I just needed you to know.”

For a moment Adam just blinks at him, but then he’s smiling a shy smile and Ronan can’t help but lean in and kiss him again. When they part, Adam draws a finger down Ronan’s jaw and whispers, “I think that’s the first time anyone has ever said that to me.”

This piece of knowledge makes Ronan angry and sad and everything in between, but instead of indulging these emotions he just kisses Adam’s good ear and whispers back, “Then I’ll say it as often as you need to hear it. You deserve to hear it all the goddamn time, Adam.”

“Oh God, please don’t say it that often, I don’t think I can handle that,” Adam laughs shakily, and he’s blushing as Ronan presses another kiss to his lips. That’s fine – he won’t be able to say it that often either, if he’s being realistic. He’ll just throw it in when Adam needs the reminder.

Or when he’s least expecting it. That blush is doing wonders to Ronan’s heart.

“Hey, Matthew’s done – are you two lovebirds ready to go to lunch, or—?” Declan says, walking into the room right as Ronan had parted his lips so Adam could sneak his tongue into his mouth. “Jesus Christ!!”

“Declan, please, we’re above a church,” Adam says, and Ronan drops his head down onto his shoulder as he dissolves into laughter.

Declan opens his mouth and closes it again about three or four times before throwing his arms up into the air and stalking back out of the apartment. Ronan chuckles and hugs Adam’s waist, swaying gently as he kisses his neck. “You know, we could go for lunch, or we could do something else, taking full advantage of my suit…”

“Hm, I’m actually pretty hungry though,” Adam says and to Ronan’s utter dismay steps away from him and walks to his desk, stuffing his wallet and keys into his pockets and heading out the door. Ronan’s still gaping at him when he turns around to face him again, raising an eyebrow. “You coming?”

“Never mind, Parrish, I take it back!” he shouts, but he obviously doesn’t mean it as he runs to Adam, leaving one last kiss on his lips before they walk down to Declan’s Volvo, hand in hand.

 --

A couple of weeks later they’re at the Barns, lazing around in the faint afternoon sunlight that lingers on the living room couch. Ronan is lying on his front, shirtless, and Adam is huddled next to him, absentmindedly tracing his tattoo with his calloused fingers. They’d been talking about meaningless things before and now are perfectly content to sit in silence, just appreciating the other’s warmth and presence. It’s a rare moment when Adam is fully caught up on work and school and Ronan wants to take complete advantage of it.

“Hey, you know?” Adam says quietly after a while. Ronan turns his head to the side to stare at him questioningly. But Adam just shakes his head and laughs to himself, pulling a hand through his sweaty hair. Ronan watches the action with way too much attention and interest. “Shit, that was the stupidest way to start this.”

Ronan is even more confused than before. “Just spit it out, Parrish.”

“I love you,” Adam blurts; his direct gaze on Ronan when he says it nearly shatters him. “I mean it – I’ve never been happier than I am when I’m with you, Ronan.”

“…Adam,” Ronan chokes, and for a horrifying moment he’s worried he’s going to start crying. He never could’ve guessed how intensely happy hearing Adam say that to him would make him, and he’s thus unprepared to deal with it. It hits him like a tidal wave and warms his entire body, leaving him shaking, ecstatic, and so very alive.

He tackles Adam, pressing down onto him as he hugs him as tightly as he can at this awkward angle. Adam laughs and wraps one arm around Ronan’s shoulders while using the other hand to caress the back of his head, his fingers automatically rubbing through the fuzz on top of Ronan’s head. “Ronan…!”  

“I love you too,” Ronan gasps, high from the way Adam had said his first name as he nuzzles into Adam’s neck. “God, I love you so fucking much.”

Adam laughs again, cutely embarrassed like he is every other time Ronan says it, and it just makes him love him more. “Careful, God might strike you down for saying that.”  

But Ronan knows God is chill with it, and that just seems to make today that much brighter. 

[vlindervin7]

I wanted to write a jealous Pynch fic and then I saw someone talking about how they wanted to read a 5+1 jealous Pynch and I kind of stole that idea, so here you go. It’s all set after TRK, except for the first one (no Kavinsy, though, if you’re worried about that). This is almost 10k words, which makes this the longest fic I’ve ever written, so enjoy I guess. Mentions of past abuse and internalized homophobia, but it’s nothing big

Ronan Lynch and Adam Parrish are both incredibly complicated beings, not easy to figure out or predict or understand. Really understand. Gansey tried to make sense of who they are as a person, maybe without realizing it. Because he can’t resist a challenge, a puzzle of sorts. It’s the reason he’s so passionate about Glendower. Probably why he surrounds himself with difficult friends, even though he will never truly get them.

Adam and Ronan, though. They’re different together. They do understand each other, because they want to, because they’re more themselves when it’s just the two of them, because you don’t have to hide certain parts of yourself when you know you’ll be accepted anyway.

They don’t take each other’s shit. When Ronan is being an even bigger asshole than he usually is, Adam will call him out on it. When Adam is being unreasonable, Ronan will not hesitate to tell him. And they work.

Anger is something they both struggle with, something that they don’t particularly like about themselves, but which simultaneously means it’s something they share, so they don’t tiptoe around each other, they don’t pretend to be fine, to hide that anger.

They’ve understood each other long before they even realized it.

And they work together.

Anger isn’t the only thing they have in common, though. Jealousy is a feeling that’s so incredibly woven inside them, that it’s now simply a part of them.

Adam Parrish has spent his life dreaming of things he can’t have, carrying water in cupped hands to the shore and ending up with not much at all, but slowly and surely seeing his hole in the sand fill, while surrounding himself with people who have those things without ever having had to work for it. It’s a particular brand of torture, but it’s worth it if it means he’ll be able to call himself one of them some day.

And Ronan Lynch, who’s experienced too many losses a person his age should ever have to go through – his father; his mother’s soul that only existed when his dad was there to breathe the life into it and then it wasn’t just her soul, it was her body too and now he’s officially an orphan at the                    tender age of eighteen and really, he’s just a child, or he feels like one anyway; his glitter loving friend, partner in crime, confident though he never actually told him anything, the creepy fucker who was but a faded image of a person Ronan does not know at all, so did he really? Lose him? Maybe that’s what hurts the most in the end; his best friend and brother whose death were possibly the most antagonizing moments of his existence. No wonder he’s a little territorial. It’s what each of his heartbeats are saying don’t lose anyone else, I wouldn’t be able to take it.

So, really, the jealous feelings that arise when they officially become a thing (and even before that), shouldn’t come as a surprise.

 1.

Blue.

Ronan hates her. She marched into their lives, like she’d been there forever, as if they didn’t just meet her a couple weeks ago. She thinks she belongs amongst them, amongst the four of them. And the worst part is that Gansey, Noah and even Adam, who Ronan frankly expected better off, believe it too. Without as much as a blink they’ve accepted her as part of their group.

Noah adores her. Gansey is fascinated by her. And Parrish is fucking dating her, holding her hand, laying his head on her lap, whispering things in her ear that make her laugh. It’s unfair. He barely knows Blue and Adam already likes her better than he liked Ronan. As if Ronan wasn’t the first to see how brilliant Adam is. As if he hasn’t been trying to say the things she does since they met.

He hates Blue for the things he hates about himself. He hates the fact that all he does is exasperate Gansey, cause him trouble while Gansey smiles wistfully every time Blue lashes out at him. He hates the fact that she makes Noah laugh as if it’s the easiest thing in the world, while he can’t stop making crude jokes at his expense. He hates the fact that she gets to feel the grooves of Adam’s hands in hers when he has been dreaming about doing that almost since he met him, when he’s the one spending all the classes he attends staring at those very hands.

A match has been lit under his skin and every time he sees Adam and Blue interacting, fuel is added to the fire and the heat is getting harder to bear with every touch, look, laugh exchanged between them. It’s consuming him from the inside, gnawing at the edges of his heart. It makes him want to kick something, to destroy a building, burn down a forest with the fire inside; all it would take is for him to open his mouth. Calla compares him to a snake and she’s not wrong exactly, but not completely right either. If he had to choose, he’d pick a dragon to compare himself to. A creature out of the realms of reality, breathing fire every time he opens his mouth and scorching anyone who happens to get too close.

He doesn’t blame Adam for liking Blue better. As far as Ronan knows, he’s not interested in boys at all, anyway. And he doesn’t know if that makes things better or worse. At least now he can tell himself it has nothing to do with him personally, though he’s not sure he actually believes that.

Sometimes he wonders if talking about it would be a relief, wonders if he could tell Gansey maybe. He’s familiar with all the other dark parts of Ronan’s soul, he doubts this would be the thing that makes him turn his back on him.

But then the other Gansey – the one from his dreams, who sneers and spits insults you’re disgusting at his feet like he’s no better than a piece of dirt – appears before his eyes and he decides to be a coward instead of risking ever having to meet that Gansey in real life. So instead of dealing with his feelings in a healthy way, he resources to what he does best.

Dreaming, drinking, driving.

It’s the only way he knows how to deal with everything inside. It may not be a healthy or good method, but it’s a method nonetheless and honestly, that’s all Ronan needs. To forget. To feel better for just a second, for just one night.

Blue.

He hates her because she’s everything he isn’t and manages to do what he wants to do, but can’t.

He doesn’t truly hate her; it’s merely a side effect of hating himself.

 2.

A month after their first kiss, after everything, it’s like they picked up right where they left off. Only now the familiar ways of life have a nightmarish undertone. Every time Adam looks at Gansey he has to force his mind to push away the image of him lying on the ground Blue, kiss me. Every time he looks at his hands he has to suppress a shudder and hopes with all he has that he’s never rendered so helpless and dependentof anything ever again.

After all that has happened, they try to regain a sense of normalcy, try to pick up their routine. Adam has no choice anyway. The end of the world may have come and gone, he still needs to work and manage to make it out of here. And maybe it’s better this way. Being busy doesn’t allow them that much time to dwell on the traumatic events.

Not everything is exactly as it was before, though. For one thing, he and Ronan are dating? Are a thing now? He’s not sure how to define it, but there’s something.

When Ronan kissed him on his birthday, Adam had known this was real and something serious. He knows Ronan. And Adam wants it to be real and serious, too. He’s all in. And it’s been good so far. It’s nice to have someone warm his nights, someone to kiss and hold when things are rough. It’s more than good and it’s not like they didn’t spend every free moment together before anyway. Only now, when Ronan used to lie next to Adam’s matrass, he can sleep on it.

It’s sweet too, the way Ronan is clearly inexperienced and is surprised every time Adam randomly kisses his cheek or his mouth. And Adam’s found it’s surprisingly easy to make Ronan blush, which is not something he would’ve ever imagined. It’s not like Adam himself is that experienced, but he’s also pretty sure he was Ronan’s first kiss. He’s been meaning to ask him about that.

Tonight, Ronan had barged into Adam’s room and proclaimed they were going for a drive, the same way he always does. And Adam got up and followed him into the BMW, like he always does. It’s something they’ve been doing for a while, but it feels bigger now. Than it did before.

Adam’s been sneaking looks at Ronan, because even though they’re allowed to do that now, it’s hard to get rid of old habits. When he catches Ronan’s eye, he gives a shy smile and turns his attention back to the road, and feels Ronan do the same thing.

Suddenly, Ronan jerks the wheel and pulls over on an empty field. He cuts the engine and opens his door. ‘C’mon, Parrish. Come watch the stars with me?’, he says, his voice sarcastic, but his eyes honest and open. Adam doesn’t know what to with that. He gets out of the car, slams the door and settles on the hood. About five seconds later, Ronan joins him. They’re silent for a while, listening to the light the stars leave behind. Adam wonders if this a date now.

A light breeze leaves goosebumps on his arms and he moves closer to Ronan so their arms are touching and he instantly feels warmer. Ronan radiates warmth at all times, which is good because Adam is always cold.Ronan seems to feel it because he wraps an arm around Adam’s shoulder and pulls him close to him, rests his chin on top of his head, stars rubbing his arm. His fingers seem to eject warmth.

‘Can I ask you a question?’, Adam says eventually.

‘I think you already did.’

It is possible, Adam thinks, that Ronan feels him roll his eyes, because he then says. ‘Sure.’

‘Did you ever – Did you and – ‘He does not know how to ask this. He has no idea how Ronan will react. If this will offend him.

‘Just say it, Parrish.’

‘Was there ever something between you and Kavinsky?’, he lets out all in one breath. Ronan tenses at the name and Adam immediately thinks Shit, I shouldn’t have asked that.

But then Ronan starts to curse: ‘Jesus fucking Christ, Parrish. What the fuck? I would never – ‘ and so on, until he’s done ranting and voicing his disbelief at that question.

‘Well, I don’t know!’, Adam exclaims. ‘I figured I was your first kiss, but I couldn’t be sure. I was curious.’

‘Well, no. Nothing ever happened. He wanted to, but – I never thought of him that way.’

‘Good.’

‘You happy I never kissed anyone before you?’

Adam nuzzled closer to Ronan, breathing in his scent. ‘I don’t really care. I’m just glad that you never kissed kavinsky.’

Ronan hums in agreement. If Adam thought Kavinsky was simply an asshole before, he’s something way worse after the things he did to Matthew. Adam wasn’t sad to see him go.

‘What about you?’, Ronan asks then. He seems strangely nervous.

‘What about me? Did I make out with Kavinsky?’

‘Asshole. You know what I meant.’ Adam does indeed know what Ronan meant.

‘No, I’d kissed some people before you.’

‘Really? How many?’ Ronan’s grip tightened on Adam’s hip.

‘I think there were two girls.’

Ronan makes a noise in the back of his throat and Adam wants to laugh at his reaction. ‘Were they pretty?’

‘Sure’, Adam answers, amusement clear in his voice. He turns his head and looks up at Ronan, a smile dangling on his lips. ‘Not as pretty as you, though.’

‘Shut the fuck up.’ Ronan shoves Adam, who bursts out laughing. Then he throws a leg over Ronan’s lap so he’s straddling him. He brings a hand up to lightly trace the blush on Ronan’s cheekbones. He kisses him.

The two girls he kissed before Ronan were nice and sure, they were pretty and the kisses were fine, but they were nothing compared to the way Ronan’s mouth on his makes him feel. Ronan’s kisses make him feel alive, they spread through his body, send electricity down his spine. He’s so full of it that sometimes he’s surprised there are no sparks when their lips brush. That they don’t produce electric shocks.

When they pull back for air and are breathing heavily, Adam says: ‘They were nothing compared to you, believe me.’

‘They better not.’, Ronan growls and flips them over, so Adam’s back lands on the hood and Ronan’s looming over him. ‘I don’t care who you’ve been with, but I might just try to make it so you forget their names, anyway. To be sure.’

Adam wants to roll his eyes and tell Ronan how ridiculous he is, but then he starts leaving a trail of wet kisses down Adam’s neck, his jaw, his collarbone and, well. He locks their lips together once again, leaving Adam breathless just by kissing him. Adam responds with enthusiasm. It might not be the best place to do this; Adam’s not entirely comfortable, but he would rather do almost anything than move right now.

 3.

Adam’s eyebrows lift and his mouth molds into some sort of mixture between amusement and annoyance. He catches Ronan’s eyes and shoots him a look. Ronan shrugs, acting like Adam’s looks don’t affect him, when in reality one glare from him could make him doanything. Or stop him from doing it. But he’s not about to admit that, ever, although he’s pretty sure Adam’s figured it out, anyway. He’s always been able to see through Ronan.

He turns back to the conversation they were having with Declan and one of his friends. It’s boring as fuck because it’s Declan and Declan’s friend, but here they are anyway. At least Matthew and Adam are here, otherwise he would’ve stormed off ages ago. He and Declan are better now, after everything. Ronan’s coming to realize Declan, though maybe not handling it right, didn’t always have bad intentions. And Declan’s coming to realize things of his own and the relationship they are rebuilding may not be more than a wisp of smoke – deformed and the result of the fire they harbored towards each other for years – nothing like how they were before, but it’s something. They’re trying.

That doesn’t mean Ronan is going to willingly listen to some conversation about politics of all things. So it’s not exactly his fault he zoned out while waiting for Adam to come home from work after church service. Adam was taking a long-ass time and then Declan’s friend joined them and well, Adam may be a constant in his mind, always there in the back even when he’s doing something else, but Ronan’s still only human and very gay and Declan’s friend would be considered hot by numerous people, so he can’t be blamed for just appreciating what he could see of the guy’s body, right? Right? He was fucking subtle about it, too. It’s not his fault Adam arrived at the exact wrong time and notices every little thing even when it’s done subtly. No, Ronan is definitely not to blame.

He certainly doesn’t deserve Adam’s smirk and that look. As if Adam never looks at other people when they’re walking down the streets or something. And like, Ronan knows for a fact that Adam still thinks Blue is pretty, but Ronan doesn’t make a problem of it, does he?

His eyes shifted to Adam the second he arrived, anyway. How could Ronan look at anyone else when Adam’s there? Ronan will never stop being mesmerized by the elegant, almost otherworldly, lines of his face. His cheekbones higher than Ronan’s self-esteem (which, to be honest, is not all that high, but whatever). His golden freckles that look like they were painted on his face by the careful pencil brushes of God himself, his slightly chapped lips; the most beautiful shape Ronan’s ever seen. His eyes the color of a morning sky in spring; soft and intense at the same time. He’s fucking beautiful. Declan’s friend, what’s-his-name, does not come close. He might as well be on a different goddamn planet for how far off he is from the mystical beauty of Adam Parrish.

The effect Adam has on him is a little scary at times if he’s being honest, but he wouldn’t trade it for anything.

‘We should go.’, Declan says to his friend, dragging Ronan out of his own thoughts. ‘Matthew, you coming?’ He twirls his car keys in his hand.

‘Yeah.’ Matthew quickly pulls Ronan into a hug and ducks when Ronan ruffles his hair after they pull back, but he lets out a little laugh, a sound Ronan would kill to protect. He bumps fists with Adam and, after Declan says goodbye too and the friend nods at both of them, they’re gone.

Now that his brothers are gone and the parking lot is close to being empty, Ronan pulls Adam to peck his lips, then pulls him closer by the hip and drops a kiss on top of his head. His brothers have no problem with their relationship, but it still feels a little too personal to do in front of them. He’s supposed to be tough and that’s not really possible when he’s kissing a beautiful boy like this, all tender and soft and shit. Adam smiles at him.

‘So, who was that?’

‘Those were my brothers, Parrish. Declan and Matthew? Matt’s great. The other one is kind of a dick, fucking annoying sometimes.’

‘Ah, runs in the family, then.’, Adam retorts, while they make their way to Adam’s apartment.

‘Asshole.’

‘How original.’, he says, unlocking his door and pushing it open. He drops his keys on the desk and kicks off his old, beat-up sneakers. Ronan sprawls on the tiny mattress on the floor and opens his arms, a sign that he wants Adam to lie down.

Adam looks at him, but doesn’t move. He stands still in front of the mattress, looking down at Ronan. ‘I have homework.’

‘Do it later.’

Ronan can see Adam calculating if he can, contemplating if he’ll have enough time to do it later. ‘Parrish, it’s ten on a Sunday morning, you don’t have to work at all anymore today, I think you can spare ten minutes to cuddle with your fucking boyfriend.’

Adam sighs. ‘I guess.’ And he lowers himself onto the mattress in Ronan’s arms. They’re crammed onto the small surface, but they’ve done this enough time that, at this point, they’re experts at making it work. Ronan pulls Adam to his chest.

‘No, but seriously. Who was that guy?’

‘Just one of Declan’s friends. No one special.’

Adam hums. ‘He was kind of cute, right?’

‘Sure, Parrish.’

Silence, except for both their thoughts whirling through the room.

‘He’s an asshole, though.’

‘You’re an asshole.’

‘You’re right, Parrish. On second thought, we’d be perfect together. Maybe I’ll just go fuck him instead.’, Ronan says, all the while playing with Adam’s hair, combing through it with his hand, twirling strands of it between his fingers. He’s being gentle, an ability he thought he’d lost when things got really dark.

‘Asshole.’

‘You said that already.’

‘Yeah, well. The situation asked for a second one.’

Ronan snickers when Adam moves as far from Ronan as is possible on the mattress without falling off. Which is not a lot. They’re both lying on their sides, and even then there would barely be place for a Blue-shaped person between them. Ronan is smirking, Adam is glaring.

‘Loser’, Ronan says fondly and takes Adam’s wrist. ‘Come and kiss me.’

Adam shakes his head. ‘Nope’, he says. ‘Not when you were talking about fucking some other guy like, three seconds ago.’

Ronan rolls his eyes. ‘More like thirty seconds.’

‘Point still stands.’

‘You know I only said cuddling but really meant making out, right? I thought you knew me that well at least. Are you seriously not going to kiss me?’

‘Na-uh, you’ll have to wait.’, though he shows no sign of getting up and doing his homework, and keeps looking at Ronan, so Ronan knows he’s not actually mad. Doesn’t mean Ronan likes this either way. He groans.

‘Who knew you were such a petty fucker, Jesus Christ.’

Adam shrugs. ‘Should’ve thought about that before you started dating me.’

Ronan lets out a deep, dramatic sigh. All through church service and then the painful conversation with Declan and Friend, the only thing keeping him from going completely insane of boredom was the prospect of Adam’s lips on his later. They haven’t seen each other all weekend because of work and the distance between The Barns and here. Ronan couldn’t just leave Opal alone that night and normally Adam comes over, – either on Friday night, either on Saturday – but he took an extra shift and that wasn’t possible anymore and fuck it may have been only two days, but Ronan’s in too deep and two days is enough for him to miss Adam. And now he won’t even kiss him, God.

‘If I make it up to you, will you kiss me then?’

‘Depends.’

Ronan straddles Adam in a fluid motion, taking Adam by surprise. So, maybe his lips weren’t the only thing Ronan missed about Adam. The little gasps he lets out when he’s surprised, are another. He looks him in the eye, asking a silent question and at the same time daring him to say no when Ronan knows Adam’s about to drop his act in a mere couple of seconds. It’s clear in his eyes that Adam wants this as much as Ronan does.

So, Ronan starts leaving kisses down Adam’s neck, while Adam tries to stay silent and not give in to Ronan’s advances. He lifts his shirt and leaves kisses on his stomach, chest, following the fine trail of hair under his navel, dipping lower and lower and apparently that’s a little too much for Adam, because he grips the back of Ronan’s head and groans.

His pants are off in a second and yes, fuck, Ronan is definitely forgiven after that, if the sounds Adam’s making are anything to go by.

 4.

From where he’s standing, Adam can see the back of Ronan’s head and his shoulders moving in time with his words. The guy in front of him, listening with an attentive face, is tall, nearly as tall as Ronan himself, with a thick flop of dark hair, a jawline as sharp as glass. He’s… handsome, Adam has to admit.

Ronan’s shoulders are tense and he keeps fiddling with his wristbands. His face is turned the other way, but Adam knows those things mean he’s bored and wants this conversations to be over. Adam’s seen him act this way countless times before. In fact, the only time he’s seen him differently is when he’s in the presence of their friend group or his brothers, and if Declan’s there that’s not even always the case. But still, there’s something bugging Adam.

The man has a way of raking his eyes up and down Ronan’s body, that makes Adam uncomfortable. He can’t blame him for thinking Ronan’s attractive, he’s not the only one, but it’s bothering Adam that the guy can’t seem to say a word to his boyfriend without smiling flirtatiously. Ronan probably doesn’t even notice. That doesn’t mean Adam hasn’t noticed, though. He has and he’s been watching them for a good five minutes.

Around him, the students of Aglionby are getting ready for the weekend, clapping each other on the shoulder, throwing around words like bro dude no homo and Adam can’t wait to get out of here. Ronan was supposed to pick him up, which he did. But he wasn’t supposed to get hit on by some random guy while he’s waiting for Adam against the BMW.

Adam hates himself a little for the churning of his insides. He does not want to be this person. He does not want to be that person who doesn’t let his boyfriend talk to others. He does not want to become a controlling asshole. The jealousy unfurling inside nauseously conjure memories of his father, claiming his mother, treating her like some sort of doll only he was allowed to play with, treating her like a possession. Adam does not want to be that person.

(He does not want to become his father, but he’s afraid it’s going to happen anyway.)

So, Adam tries not to be that person, but it’s hard sometimes. With how much he loves Ronan. Adam shrugs his bag straighter on his shoulder and makes his way across the parking lot to where Ronan’s standing.

‘Parrish’, Ronan greets him when he sees Adam arrive, a smile instantly lighting up his face. The difference is so obvious; Ronan’s shoulders relax and his face softens at the sight of Adam. He drops his hand from where he was gnawing on his wristbands and uses it to ruffle Adam’s hair instead. Adam ducks and good-naturedly swats his hand away, but he’s too slow. Ronan’s hands in his hair, messing it up, make all the annoyance he had pent up all day disappear in just one touch. It scares Adam sometimes, how dependent he is of Ronan’s effect on him, how much the thing getting him through the day often is the thought of Ronan at the end when it used to be only getting out of here. It’s a tie now. The prospect of college is nice, but it’s nothing he can look forward to that’s available right now. Ronan’s smile is.

Adam returns it with a smile of his own and greets the guy Ronan was talking to. Apparently their conversation wasn’t that interesting, because he’s gone after less than thirty seconds.

‘Who was that?,’ Adam asks.

‘Fuck if I know. Just some guy who liked my car apparently. He wouldn’t fucking leave me, kept bugging me.’

Adam raises his eyebrows. ‘Really?’ He can’t help taking in Ronan thoroughly himself, the way he looks today. Leather jacket, black ripped jeans, a day’s old stubble that makes his jawline more pronounced.

He really, really does not blame that guy for thinking Ronan is hot. Adam has some trouble breathing evenly. He desperately wants to touch, to kiss, to – .

‘Come on, I want to show you something.’ Adam grabs Ronan’s hand and pulls him with him through the mass of boys, back into Aglionby.

‘Where are we going? I swear, Parrish, if I have to spend one more goddamn minute wasting my time in this hell hole I’ll – ‘

‘Lynch, have some patience. I promise you, you’ll like this.

Adam looks before pulling Ronan in an empty corridor to make sure no one sees them. Then he opens the door to a classroom, peeks through the small opening and when it’s clear the classroom’s empty, pushes open the door, pulls Ronan inside and closes it behind them. Before the door has time to properly fall in the lock, he shoves Ronan’s back against it. Ronan, who’s wearing a wicked smile, lets out a laugh and says: ‘I take it back, Parrish. I will gladly spend more time here if it’s to violate the classrooms.’

A pair of lips shut him up. Adam places one hand on against the door next to Ronan’s head and the other on his chest, while he kisses him intensely, moving their mouths as if his life depends on whether this kiss makes Ronan’s head spin or not. As by instinct, Ronan’s hands nestle in his hair and lightly pull at the seams, emitting a moan from Adam.

‘Shut up.’, Adam rasps when he pulls back after a while. ‘Someone will hear you.’

‘What, you couldn’t wait thirty minutes to get home? Are you that desperate for me?’, Ronan says, choosing to ignore Adam’s warning, with a smirk on his lips, a nonchalance that could fool almost anyone into believing he does this every day. Almost anyone. Adam isn’t fooled. Ronan’s eyes glimmer and his cheekbones are a little red. His breathing is a tad faster than it normally is and almost unnoticeably hitches anytime Adam as much as brushes his hands over his arm.

Somehow he only looks better than he did outside; lips kiss-bruised by Adam, matching his red cheeks. Adam’s pretty proud of himself.

‘The way you looked outside, that – that really wasn’t fair’, Adam answers, equally out of breath. ‘And what’s even worse, is that some random guy got to see it up close and I was to observe from afar how he looked at you and how you got hit on.’

At Adam’s words, Ronan’s lips twitch up and a smug look appears in his eyes. ‘Were you jealous, Parrish?’

Adam could simply tell him the truth, but Ronan wouldn’t let him live it down, though that would make him an unbelievable hypocrite. Not that Ronan would care. But Adam isn’t really feeling up to a lifetime of jokes remember that one time you dragged me into an empty classroom to make out with me just because I was talking to someone that wasn’t you?

Adam almost grimaces at the smug tone he can hear Ronan use in his head. And instead, he nestles his nose in Ronan’s neck, breathing in his scent and starts leaving small, wet kisses. When Ronan’s breathing accelerates, Adam smiles because that’s what he was hoping for. ‘Maybe I was. I’m selfish, you know.’ Adam lightly bites down on his collarbone. ‘Want you all to myself.’

‘Well, shit, Parrish. Possessive.’ The words don’t have any of the mocking sharpness to them when they’re said half out of breath and stuttering.

Doing this does not in any way mean Ronan will let him forget this moment, but at least Adam will have jabs of his own. He can retort by commenting on the way Ronan’s heartbeat sped up under his fingers and how the boy was blushing to the top of his ears. How he let out small, desperate moans every time Adam’s teeth came in contact with the delicate skin of his neck. How Ronan let his head fall back on the door with a heavy thud as if it became too heavy to keep upright. How his hands were gripping Adam’s hair and pulling, seemingly by themselves.

Adam allows himself a moment to swim in the warmth spreading inside him when he thinks that he’s the reason Ronan is utterly wrecked. Ronan Lynch, the boy accustomed to pain and who wears it like angry spikes meant to keep people away; who used to find small bits of light in his otherwise dark life in racing and seeking adrenaline in dangerous places; the boy who punches people in the face without a second thought and gets arrested for it without a care.

(Ronan Lynch, the boy who lost his mom and dad and friend; who likes to dreams of light and brings that to life by bringing angelic brothers and mystical girls and pet ravens into the world; who punches the RobertParrishes of the world because they deserve it.)

The fact that he can make that Ronan Lynch vulnerable when most of his life is spent behind an armor to hide that vulnerability, makes Adam feel like he’s on top of the world. God, he loves him so much.

He doesn’t grace Ronan with an answer, but sinks his teeth in the soft skin of Ronan’s collarbone in lieu of answering. The only way of describing what he’s doing, is by saying Adam is simply assaulting Ronan’s neck. He’s sucking, licking, biting the skin, desperate to leave marks, to leave his mark, to claim Ronan as his own. In truth, he’s only doing this because Ronan likes it. He would never treat him like that otherwise. But he knows Ronan likes it when Adam calls him his, likes it when he’s a little rougher, a little less careful and it’s a testament to their mutual trust because all Adam was comfortable doing in the beginning of their relationship, was softly caressing his cheek while pouring all his love in kissing Ronan. Because Adam didn’t want to lose control, to turn out like his father, hurt Ronan in any way. He needed to be reminded of the fact that he could be soft and gentle if he wanted to. He has that now, he knows he’s not hurting Ronan in any way, that he has the ability to be gentle and treat Ronan like something to be treasured, which he is, and that’s why he can allow himself to tuck that gentleness away at times. And of course, the noisesRonan’s making only encourage him.

‘God, Adam’, Ronan obscenely gasps when he licks the bits of his tattoo peeking out of his shirt.

‘Shh, don’t make so much noise. Someone’ll hear us.’, Adam pauses his previous activity to look up at Ronan.

‘Don’t fucking care.’, Ronan says, breathless.

‘Well, I do. So keep It down.’

And God, Ronan looks so good like this. Crumbling against the door, shaved head resting behind him and breathing heavily. His blue eyes wide and glossy, kiss-bruised lips and several bruises painted on his neck, courtesy of Adam. It takes a lot for Adam to resist simply dropping to his knees right now and take Ronan’s noises of pleasure all the way out. But no, that’s a little too much. He definitely wouldn’t be able to keep quiet then and Adam really does not want to be found out. He has built himself some kind of reputation around the teachers at Aglionby and seen as he needs the recommendation letters for his college applications, he would like for that to stay the way it is now.

Adam traces the hickeys on Ronan’s neck with a feather light touch that makes the other boy shudder, before saying: ‘Now everyone will know you’re taken.’

‘Jesus shit, Parrish.’

‘Come on. We’ll finish this off at home.’

Ronan is already wearing his marks like badges of honor, which okay, that was kind of Adam’s point, but he still hopes they won’t accidently run into anyone on their way home. The drive home is going to be incredibly excruciating, Adam knows; he’s so turned on right now. Maybe he’ll make Ronan stop on the side of a deserted road. That has to be one of Ronan’s fantasies, right? He probably has a playlist ready for when it happens.

Adam takes Ronan’s hand in his and, after checking to see if the coast is clear, drags him out of the classroom to the BMW.

 5.

Red.

That’s a good way of describing Ronan’s feeling at the moment. Because red means love, but also anger and maybe, possibly blood, although he’s trying not to think of that too intensely. It won’t lead to anything positive.

(It’s also a color he’s learned to associate with himself – apart from black for obvious reasons –  because it reminds him of anger and blood and the devil. He’s getting better at not immediately thinking of those in regards with himself, though. It’s getting easier now, to associate the color red with himself, but to think of love and the paint on the sheds at The Barns and Opal’s new red skullcap instead.)

He’s trying not to stare, honestly. He’s trying to ignore it and to – to brush it off, but now there’s a hand being placed on an arm and he’s not sure he can just ignore this much longer. He knows he’s being unreasonable, but he can’t help it and anyway, when has Ronan ever cared about being reasonable?

He’s sitting in a booth at Nino’s, listening to Gansey talk about another one of his discoveries he’d absolutely love to visit on his road trip with Cheng and Blue. Or well, he was listening. What he’s doing now can’t exactly be called listening. The words are said at him, enter his ears, but don’t quite reach his brain. They’re stuck somewhere between begging for entrance and not actually caring where they end up as long as they’re being said.

What he actually is doing could best be described as staring a hole in the back of Adam’s head. He thinks there’s a real possibility his eyes are spitting fire. Good thing Adam’s fireproof.

‘Ronan?’, the mention of his name momentarily snaps him out of his intense concentration. ‘Ronan, are you listening?’, Gansey sounds somewhere between concerned and annoyed. It’s a voice Ronan’s heard countless times over the past years, so much that he’s named it the ‘Ronanvoice’.

‘Sure. Something about haunted ruins.’ He doesn’t take his eyes off Parrish and the girl still holding his arm.

‘Yes!’, Gansey sounds delightfully pleased that Ronan listened to him. He wasn’t. ‘But it’s not only that. It’s much more complex and I realize my explanation might have been confusing, so – What are you looking at?’

Gansey follows Ronan’s line of sight and inevitably finds himself looking at Adam and the girl. ‘Ah, I see.’

‘What?’, Ronan snaps. He doesn’t like it when Gansey talks like that, like Ronan’s so easy to see through. It makes him feel way too small. Ronan who spends so much of his life under an armor of tattoos and shaved heads and leather to ultimately hide the pain underneath, is rendered vulnerable when Gansey immediately sees what’s wrong because what does that say about his armor? Admittedly, he’s not exactly subtle and anyone could guess what was going on, really. But Gansey just has a way of doing that, that gets under his skin.‘You don’t have to worry, you know’.

‘The fuck would I worry about?’ Gansey’s right, though. Ronan does worry sometimes. He worries that he’s not enough. That eventually, Adam will get bored of him. Adam, who’s been dreaming of leaving this fucking place and never looking back, who’s been working himself to ruins his whole goddamn life, why would he stay with Ronan of all people, when he’ll have the chance to forget about Henrietta entirely. Why would he stay with Ronan who’ll probably just remind him of all the horrible things and nightmares? In college, he’ll surely meet lots of smarter, kinder, healthier people than Ronan and will he realize then? That he deserves better?

Ronan would move to the other side of the world with Adam, as far from his hometown and childhood house possible if only it meant Adam would not associate himself with this town of horrors.

Maybe some of it is tied to insecurities still.

‘He’s been talking to her for twenty minutes at least.’

Adam went ordering some more drinks for them, when this girl had just started talking to him out of nowhere. And it’s been way too long, his ordered jug of ice tea waiting for him on the counter seems to be decaying already.

Ronan groans. When did he become this dramatic?

‘It has not been more than five.’

‘Whatever. I’m going over.’

‘No’, Gansey, the voice of reason, tries to stop him. But again, when has Ronan ever listened to reason? ‘Ronan, don’t. You know Adam won’t – ‘

But Ronan doesn’t hear the end of that sentence. Parrish won’t what? Approve, like it, appreciateit? Ha.

Five strides and he’s standing next to Adam, putting an arm around his waist, pulling him closer. Adam turns his head and looks up at him. There’s a look on his face. One that says he’s wondering what the hell Ronan is doing, but at the same time knows exactly what the hell Ronan is trying to do. It’s a little intimidating if Ronan’s being completely honest. Because once again, someone can make Ronan feel like he’s not that unreadable as he likes to think he is. That he’s actually as transparent as clear water. The difference when Adam does it, is that, even though he finds it a little intimidating, he doesn’t mind. He wants Adam to know him, all of him. To understand him the way others have failed to do. The way even Gansey sometimes fails to do. And, if Adam lets him, he wants to understand Adam the same way. All of it. The good and the bad. (Though Ronan likes to believe nothing about Adam could ever be entirely bad.)

Ronan turns to the girl. She’s objectively pretty, as far Ronan can tell, with big, green eyes and dark hair.She has a sparkle in her eyes, which Ronan guesses means she likes Adam or some shit like that. He musters up the scariest, most intimidating look he can, the one that could make powerful men lose all their influence and the bravest men lose their courage. (Though, all his friends seem to be immune to it. Especially Adam, who’s never once seemed to show discomfort by it. He’s not sure what that means, but he can’t say he hates it.)

He throws it at the girl like a weapon meant to cut her down. At once, her eyes widen and she drops the hand that was playing with a loose strand of hair. Her posture seems to stiffen, she’s uncomfortable.

She scrambles up her purse and pretends to check the time on her phone. ‘Uh, I gotta go.’, she shoots Adam an apologetic smile. ‘It was nice seeing you again, Adam.’ Her eyes nervously flick to Ronan, back to Adam. ‘So, yeah. Bye.’ And with that she’s gone. Ronan didn’t even say anything. He allows himself a moment to feel smug.

But then Adam pushes the arm from around his waist and turns to Ronan and Gansey might have been right, goddammit. He hates it when that happens. Because Adam does not look like he approved, liked it, appreciated it. Fuck.

‘What the fuck, Lynch?’

‘What? I didn’t even do anything.’

‘Um, sorry? So you didn’t just scare away the person I was talking to?’

Ronan decides to ignore that question because he figures Adam doesn’t expect an answer. ‘Where did you know her from anyway?’

‘I used to go to school with her. Before Aglionby. I don’t see how that matters.’

‘She was clearly flirting with you.’

‘No, she wasn’t.’ Ronan can hear the frustration creeping into Adam’s voice. He’s not raising his voice, but that might make it worse. ‘And even if she was, that still doesn’t give you the right to just swoop in and scare her away. I can decide who I talk to for myself, thanks.’

‘Are you actually pissed right now?’ Ronan realizes it maybe wasn’t the best thing to do, but he didn’t actually expect Adam to react like this.

‘Is that a serious question, Lynch?’

‘Whatever. Let’s not do this here. Not with Gansey looking at us like he’s going to have a stroke or something.’ And the fact that Ronan Lynch wants to wait to fight until they’re somewhere private shows how much he’s grown. The Ronan of last year wouldn’t have cared where they were or who saw them.

Adam lets out a sigh and rakes a hand through his hair. Then he makes his way back to the table, forgetting the pitcher of ice tea he initially came for. Ronan lifts it and goes to join his friends.

Truth is: Ronan hates it when Adam is angry with him. He wants to make things right. He desperately wants to tell Adam he’s sorry. But his relationship with those words is still a little complicated. It’s still a challenge to get over his pride every time he says them. And he just can’t do it here.

Maybe he’ll say them later, when it’s just the two of them in his room at Monmouth or St. Agnes or The Barns or in the car, with the open road as their only company when they go for an impromptu late night drive. Maybe he’ll whisper them in the crook of Adam’s neck while he leaves the smallest, lightest kisses. Maybe he’ll say them with Adam’s knuckles brushing against his lips, leaving the words on each one of his fingertips. Maybe he won’t be able to wait until then, won’t be able to bear Adam being angry with him and take his hand under the table, out of Gansey’s sight and gently brush over every tiny scare Adam has collected after years of hard work, and he’ll bump their shoulders, look at him from under his lashes and try to convey what he can’t say out loud, in his touch, in his eyes.

I’m sorry.

And Adam will understand what he’s trying to do. Because that’s how they function. Through touch and actions rather than words. And although they’re getting better at actually communicating out loud, they both prefer the other way.

English is not their language of choice.

 + 1

It’s late in the evening. The window next to the bed is halfway open, making the white curtain move. Through it Adam can see the stars littered across the night sky. He feels at peace.

Ronan’s bed is big enough for both of them to be comfortable. It’s bigger than the one at St. Agnes, but they’re used to sleeping there and they’ve formed the habit of sleeping wrapped up in each other to save space.

Adam is currently lying on Ronan’s chest, the rhythmic movement lulling him into sleepiness. With Ronan’s hand softly going through his hair on top of that, he probably won’t be awake much longer.

It’s moments like these Adam prefers to almost all others. It’s simple, quiet, peaceful. The silence is wrapped around them, hovering over them like a summer breeze, relieving after a day of noise. It feels sacrilegious, almost, to break it, but there are words weighing down his chest, desperately fighting their way out and Adam knows he won’t be able to get full peace if he doesn’t allow them access out.

‘Hey, Ronan?’ Adam shifts so his face is turned towards Ronan’s general direction. ‘You know you have nothing to be jealous of, right?’

Although Ronan’s getting better at controlling his jealousy and at simply ignoring it when it gets too bad, Adam knows it’s still there, even when he doesn’t show it. It’s clear in the way Ronan stiffens sometimes, or clenches his fists, look the other way. Because he doesn’t want to cause a scene. Because he knows Adam doesn’t like it when he acts like that. And Adam’s grateful that he’s trying and that he’s getting better, but he also wants to make sure Ronan knows he loves him, only him. The insecurities tied to those feelings have never been admitted out loud, by neither of them, but Adam thinks they probably should.

‘Where’s this coming from?’

Ronan’s hand had stilled for a second, before resuming the movement through Adam’s hair.

‘Just want to make sure you know that.’ Adam pushes himself up in his elbow so he can properly look at Ronan. ‘And that I love you.’

It’s not the first time he says the words, and definitely not the first time he’s shown it, but they still send a thrill through him.

‘I know.’, Ronan nods. ‘I love you too.’

Adam plants a sweet kiss on his mouth, then his cheek and lays down next to him. He takes Ronan’s hand in his and starts playing with his fingers.

It’s silent for a while, their breathing the only sound in the room, until Ronan quietly says. ‘I just – sometimes – ‘ he breaks off and Adam figures he needs a little time to form his thoughts and that he will say them when he’s ready. It doesn’t take too long. ‘Sometimes I’m afraid you’ll realize you don’t really want me after all.’

Ronan lets out the words all at once, like a river suddenly starting to flow and coming to a halt as abruptly. They feel like a confession to Adam, coming from the deepest rooms in Ronan’s heart and Adam knows they’re fragile and should be treated with care. Everything Ronan says is the truth, but some truths bear more weight than others. He knows this wasn’t easy for Ronan to say.

‘I want you, Ronan. And I don’t think that’s going to change anytime soon.’

‘Parrish, you’ve wanted to leave this place since fucking forever. Why would you – ‘

‘Doesn’t mean I want to leave you.’ Adam tries to put as much truth and conviction in his words, because he needs Ronan to understand that although he has wanted to leave Henrietta since the day he learned there was more to this world than this tiny town in Virginia, he never wants to leave Ronan. Ronan may live here, but he’s sure they’ll find a way to make things work. They’re stubborn like that.

Adam can’t picture the rest of his life without the presence of piercing blue eyes and a whimsical girl.

‘Rationally, I’m aware of the fact that you wouldn’t be doing this unless you’re one hundred percent sure, because you’re Adam Parrish and you don’t do things halfway, but it’s easy to forget at times.’

‘I understand. But I promise you, you have nothing to worry about.’

He nuzzles closer to Ronan and Ronan wraps an arm around him, pressing Adam to him and pressing a lingering kiss to the top of his head, making warmth spread through Adam’s body. They don’t say anything for a while, Adam tries to tell Ronan he doesn’t need to worry again, by holding him as close as he can, hoping he understands.

Then: ‘It’s still hard sometimes, for me to believe I’m worth loving.’ Adam hates that his voice sounds so weak.

Above him, Ronan tenses, no doubt thinking of the people that made Adam feel this way. He takes a deep breath, releases it, wraps his arms around Adam and pulls him, if possible, even closer and simply holds him tight for a moment.

It’s hard for Adam to admit this, to talk about things like this. Still, after all this time, he’s used to working alone, relying on himself only. His parents were never any kind of comfort to him, so he’s learned to console and wipe away the tears on his own. But he’s trying to realize he doesn’t have to do that anymore. He doesn’t have to go through life alone, he’s got a shoulder to lean on now, people to share the weight with. It’s… nice. And he’s trying not to keep all his fears and insecurities inside. After Ronan’s confession, he wanted to voice his too and, honestly, it’s relieving.

Because the way Ronan is holding him now, reminds him of the fact that there are people that care about him, that Ronan’s feelings run deep and that Adam’s not alone anymore. Ronan doesn’t have to voice his thoughts aloud for Adam to understand what he’s trying to convey.

‘Adam, I – fuck.‘ Arms tight around him, lips on his forehead, fingers brushing his arms. ‘I love you so fucking much. And not only me. Opal, she fucking adores you. I swear she likes you more than me. Always whining when you’re not here, Jesus Christ, she drives me insane. Gansey, too and Blue and’, he swallows. ‘Noah. You’re, God, Adam, you’re – ‘ He breaks off his sentence, frustrated by his difficulty with words, but the message has been received; Adam understands and he’s suddenly choked up. He swallows his tears and plants a kiss on Ronan’s collarbone.

Although words don’t come naturally to them, sometimes it’s satisfying to hear them anyway. Rationally, he knows this. He knows Ronan loves him and has been in love with him for quite some time, now. He knows Gansey and Opal and even Blue – they’re pushing through the awkwardness and their friendship is newer and fresher as his friendship with Gansey, but equally as wonderful – love him and he loves them too. Noah loved him, maybe he still does. Time is a circle, after all. But there’s a big difference between knowing it on a purely logical level, and having Ronan proclaim it to him in a voice overflowing with sincerity, honesty, emotion. He’s thinking maybe they should learn to use their words a little more often. Maybe Ronan needs to hear certain things himself out loud sometimes: that he’s a good person; that his mistakes don’t make up who he is as a person; that his mother’s death wasn’t his fault – Adam knows guilt gnaws at his heart when he thinks of her in the dark, when the night is silent and the feeling can creep up on him unknown; that he’s not wrong – because of his dreams, his past, his sexuality. He probably needs to hear all of that as much as Adam needs to hear he’s worth loving. Adam promises himself to remind Ronan of these things until he believes them.

Adam is happy, he realizes suddenly. He has everything he’s worked for all these years. His efforts have been rewarded. There are several acceptance letters from various Ivy league colleges lying on his desk, almost all of them include a full scholarship. He actually has a choice to make for once in his life. It’s a new feeling and he’s immensely grateful for it. He can get out of Henrietta and try to leave the memories of his parents behind for good. He’s got time. Which is something he never had. This summer has been amazing. He dropped two of his jobs, just because he can and without the homework, he actually has time to read books because he wants to and not because he has to, he can figure out what he likes to do in his free time, he can take long walks in the woods without it being for Cabeswater.

And he has love, which for so long he thought was a privilege, only granted to a handful of people, people like Gansey who get everything handed to them. But certainly not people like Adam Parrish who don’t have an ounce of love and warmth in their blood because they were never taught how to. They didn’t have meals prepared with love. They didn’t have loving touches growing up, loving words said to them. Why would he suddenly find love. No, love was a privilege. Adam had believed that for most part of his life.

But here he is now. Being loved by a wonderful boy and loving him in return. So much that sometimes he thinks people surely see it on his face, smell it on him, or like, see it in his eyes or something cliché like that. See that he’s in love with Ronan Lynch in his eyes and that Ronan Lynch is in love with him too.

‘I love you too.’

Adam Parrish is happy. Who would’ve ever thought?

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