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adenei · 4 years

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Fake It Til You Make It - Ch. 2

AO3 || FFN

(”I want to be a musician, okay?”)

“Hi Mum! Hi Aunt Muriel. If you’ll just excuse me, I’m quite knackered. I’m going to go—” Ginny tried to skirt by them and make her way up the stairs.

“Not so fast, Ginevra,” Aunt Muriel said with her nose up in the air. “We have matters to discuss.”

“Aunt Muriel, I know what you’re here for, and with all due respect, being a debutante is not who I am or who I want to be. I want to play football, not dress in layers of tulle and whatever that stuff under the skirt is called,” Ginny tried to explain for the hundredth time.

“Crinoline,” her mother corrected her. “Ginny, just sit down and hear your aunt out. Please?” Her mum was giving her a look that Ginny knew not to defy, no matter how rotten she was feeling.

“Ginevra, I’m well aware that the debutante lifestyle does not fit your...personality, but I am here to offer you a deal,” Aunt Muriel began.

Ginny raised her eyebrows, knowing her aunt always drove a hard bargain. She wondered what was in it for her since Muriel always had a trick up her sleeve to manipulate those to get her way. Unfortunately, being the only Weasley daughter meant there was no one else she could persuade to take her place.

“If you participate in the season, without complaint, I will pay the boarding fees for you to stay on campus at Beauxbatons this year.”

Ginny couldn’t keep her jaw from dropping. Her aunt never offered anything like this. Why was it so important to Muriel for Ginny to participate in the debutante season? Aside from the fact that she was the prime age to participate, it was often a way for the teens to find a partner, one of class, and better standing. Honestly, the whole thing was bloody archaic, and she had no idea why it still existed.

That’s when it hit her. She was a bargaining chip. Muriel would use her to ‘restore her family’s ‘place’ in society. You’ve got to be kidding me, Ginny thought. Sure, her parents didn’t make a ton of money, but they got by. Ron had just received a full scholarship to attend Hogwarts for their music program, and all of her older brothers were proving successful in their lines of work. They didn’t need Ginny to become a pawn in some ruddy game her aunt wanted to play.

“At the very least, please think about it, Ginevra. You are a natural beauty, and you could perform quite well if you allowed yourself to take a chance. As your family’s only daughter, you owe it to them to partake in at least one season. And, since that blasted football team has been disbanded, you’ve got nothing standing in your way this year.”

Anger flowed through her veins as Ginny felt as though she was going to explode. So her aunt had been behind eliminating the girl’s football team! All as a power play so that Muriel could live vicariously through Ginny. This was all so unfair! She needed the professional teams to start scouting her this year, and now all her chances were being thrown out the window at becoming a professional football player because her bloody aunt wanted her to become a debutante.

“No,” Ginny said fervently.

There was absolutely no way she was going to let Aunt Muriel manipulate her life. Not in a million years. Her mother put her head in her hands, and Ginny felt terrible for a moment. Mum would understand, though. Ginny had goals and plans for her future, none of which involved becoming a debutante or a trophy wife. That was not who she was, nor would she ever be.

Aunt Muriel let out a long sigh. “I had a feeling you’d say that. You’re lucky I won’t be deterred so easily. I will give you two days to think about this, Ginevra. Perhaps you’ll change your mind. What else are you going to do this school year without that useless sport?”

“It’s not a useless sport, Aunt Muriel!” Ginny argued.

“Be that as it may, I know how much you’d love to live on campus with your friends. I can give you that experience. You have my number if you change your mind.” There was an air of finality in Muriel’s voice that told Ginny the conversation was over.

“Does that mean I can be excused now?” she asked through gritted teeth.

Her mother nodded exasperatedly as Ginny stormed up the stairs. She tossed her things in her own room before heading up to the house’s top floor, where Ron’s attic room was. They both shared a mutual hatred for Aunt Muriel, and if anyone would understand her frustration, it was him.

Ginny walked into Ron’s room and immediately started venting. “Ugh! I can’t believe her nerve” Ron jumped.

“Whose nerve?”

“Aunt Muriel! Showing up here with those ridiculous dresses and trying to bribe me into joining the debutante season! I even think she had a hand in disbanding the girl’s football team at Beauxbatons. Can you believe it?”

“That’s ridiculous, Gin. There’s no way she has that much influence, even if she’s vindictive enough to do what it takes to get her way.”

“Why are you not more upset about this?”

“I am! I’m just, er, busy,” Ron said.

“Busy with what? Is that a bag you’re packing? I thought you weren’t leaving for Hogwarts until Monday.”

“I, er,” Ron stammered.

“Ron, what are you planning?” Ginny said as she closed his bedroom door.

Despite being polar opposites, they never kept anything from each other. She always knew when he was up to something, and he knew the same.

He rolled his eyes. “Alright, fine, but you can’t tell anyone!” he warned.

“When have I ever given away your secrets before? You know you can trust me.”

“I’m going to be a bit late for the start of term at Hogwarts.”

“Why?” Ginny asked skeptically.

“I’ve been invited to this music competition in Germany. It’s for two weeks, but I have to go, Gin.”

“But you just got a full ride to Hogwarts for your music! Won’t you be jeopardizing that if you take off for two weeks instead of starting on time?”

“Not if someone covers for me and says I’m sick or something. Maybe I’ve got mono or the flu, or...” he shrugged, not bothering to put more thought into a plan.

Not that she wanted to change the topic, but his mention of the ‘kissing’ disease reminded Ginny of her run-in with Lavender. “Speaking of, have you talked to your wretched girlfriend lately?”

Ron winced. “Er, no, I’ve been avoiding her.”

“You don’t say. Must be why I got ambushed on my way back from school. If you’re going to chuck her, then you might as well do it sooner rather than later.”

“Eh, I’ll take care of it when I get back.”

“I don’t understand you. If Mum and Dad find out, they’ll pull you out of Hogwarts before you even have a chance to start!”

“So don’t let them find out. Please, Gin! I need to do this! This could be my shot at getting my music out there. It’s not that I don’t want to explore the classical route, but I don’t know how much I’m going to be able to focus on my own music at school.” Ron was begging Ginny now.

“How? I don’t suppose I could just dress up and pose as you for two weeks,” Ginny said in a bewildered tone.

Despite how ridiculous the statement sounded, the idea hit her full force. But there was no way she’d be able to pull it off, was there? Probably not. Unless….

“I don’t care how you do it. You just need to make sure Mum and Dad don’t find out. I’m going to tell them the auditions are tomorrow, so I’m leaving today. My flight leaves in five hours, so I have to get going.”

“How are you even paying for all of this?”

“I’m staying at a hostel once I’m there, but Bill lent me money for the flight. I can pay him back if I place in the competition, and if not, then I’ll find a part-time job to pay him back.” Ron hoisted his bag on his back. “Listen, Ginny, I’ve got to go. The bus to London leaves in a half hour, so I really have to go.” He stuck one leg out his open window.

“Why are you going out the window,” she asked him slowly.

“Because Mum and Dad thought I left hours ago. I owe you one, alright?”

Ginny rolled her eyes. “Just let me know when you get there, okay? And don’t get into any more trouble.”

“Thanks, Gin, you’re the best!” Ron said as he disappeared down the makeshift fire escape.

As Ginny watched him go, the wheels were turning in her mind. Ron was leaving for two weeks. That was just enough time for her to pose as her brother and make the Hogwarts team. Then, she could play in the Beauxbatons game and stick it to Coach Snape and Michael when Hogwarts won.

She’d show everyone that she was just as good as the boys! Now, how could she just disappear from the house for two weeks? And that’s when it hit her: Aunt Muriel’s offer. She could totally juggle the boy’s training schedule and the debutante program. It’d be tricky, but doable. And she wouldn’t have to try that hard with Ron’s schedule. It’d only be a week of classes, and hopefully, she could fudge her way through the music courses.

I can totally do this, Ginny thought. She headed down the stairs to see if Aunt Muriel was still there to change her answer, and if all went well, she’d be on her way to visit Fred and George next.

#hp muggle au #she's the man inspired #hinny #ginny weasley

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golddaggers · 7 years

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if you say so

pairings: mitch rapp x reader

warnings: cursing, mentions of sex.

a/n: writing this made me cry so much, but I don’t want to spoil anything. just see for yourselves.

word count: 5,3k+

December, 2017

It was another terrible winter night, the one that celebrated a month since the love of my life walked out on me. Yes, a bit amusing if you consider the fact I hated this season and everything that comes along with it.

Ever since I was a little girl, I was never a fan of winter. Never wanted to go outside to play in the snow with my other friends, never enjoyed jumping into puddles of water and the rainy nights were my personal nightmare. I hated thunders with my whole soul. They were undeniably scary, plus the lightnings? Urgh, only to be thinking about it makes my body cringe. It was really awful.

But, my entire concept of hate changed when I met him, when I met Mitch Rapp. Honestly, I do not wish to sound cheesy, that is definitely not my goal, yet, I can tell you, without thinking twice that the handsome brown haired man I once called husband was my soulmate. He understood me in ways no one managed to do. Broke down my walls with a sledgehammer. I didn’t even saw him coming, still, when I clasped the grip of my life, I was already utterly in love with him. Mitch was… addictive.

I gripped a mug filled with tea, heading outside and opting to watch as the rain slapped the buildings, water gushing everywhere. It was a plainly normal scene, I agree, however, it felt like I had gotten a ticket to a ride down memory lane. I began missing his arms around my waist, his chin supported on my shoulder and how he would sometimes kiss my neck, his beard my skin itch. I missed his hoarse laugh. The way his eyes would go to a soft tone of liquid honey when he was about to tell me he loved me.

A warm tear rolled down my cheek and then I realised it was time to bring back the old picture hidden under the cushioned seat from the balcony. The photo was old, the edges already fading; Mitch had his lips pressed onto my face in a clumsy kiss, I was smiling and we were sort of hugging. That day was fucking amazing and I wish I could go back to that state of happiness.

Nevertheless, I couldn’t.

Summer, 2014

“You look really good on that, baby girl.” Mitch said with a cocky smirk, wounding his arms around my waist and nibbling at my bare neck, his beard grazing my skin, sending chills to my entire form.

“I’m only wearing my bikini bottoms, you can’t say that I ‘look good on that’ when I’m half naked.” I replied, laughing. “But thank you, Mr. Rapp.”

“You’re welcome, Miss Y/L/N.” The brown haired man kissed my cheek playfully then went to lie on the huge bed situated on the middle of the room. “You should hurry, though, because we should already be enjoying a beautiful day by the pool.”

“Yeah, I’m almost done, honey.”

The hotel Mitch and I had found in Jeffersonville, Vermont, wasn’t exactly fancy, but, considering we just wanted to be together and take pleasure in the little time we had before he was forced to go back to work, anything with the standard comfort fulfilled our needs. Plus, the place wasn’t so bad; it was a little cabin, everything beautifully carved and made out of wood. Simply perfect.

A goofy grin slipped whilst I observed the handsome man glancing at me; although we had been together for almost two years now, not one day went by without him making sure I knew how much he loved me. Which was why we faced hours and hours on the road so we could spend our anniversary in this romantic getaway. I guess he was feeling a tad guilty about how much he had worked lately, still, I didn’t blame him; I knew he was happy being the hero. Thus I was happy as well.

Finally, after getting fully clothed and applying the last layer of sunblock on my face, we went out, heading to the hotel’s pool section. Mitch, as usual, hooked his rough fingers with mine, the thumb massaging carelessly the back of my hand. It was such a small gesture, yet I could already feel a tingling sensation spreading across my body, causing me to smile.

Because it was way too early, the place was nearly empty when we got there, five minutes later; I mean, no one would be insane enough to get up at 7 A.M. so they could hit the swimming pool. But I guess it’s what happens when you date a trained agent: sleeping in late is a very rare occasion. Mitch never slept past six and half in the morning, I had lost count of how many times I woke up to an empty bed and him outside our small home working out, punching sandbags or something. Not that I was bothered by it, that being the first thing I saw in the day always brightened up my mood.

Taking a good deep breath, my eyes closed, I couldn’t help but think my life was exactly where I wanted it to be. After years working under the supervision of a boss I didn’t like one bit, I had finally managed to save enough money to open my vet clinic, in a successfully partnership with my best friend; had moved into a nice home, which allowed me to adopt my adorable Annie; had a healthy relationship with my family and, at last but not least, I had found the man of my dreams. The more I give this emphasis, I am more sure Mitch Rapp is the man I want to spend the rest of my days with. He is everything I had ever dreamt about or wanted in a partner.

It was fun to look back to the night we met, because, even then, I knew he wasn’t any ordinary person. Robert Mills, which was a friend of mine from school, had invited me to a small gathering; at first, I wasn’t going to go. The weather was horrible, my flatmate Cristina was sick with the flu… Everything seemed to be working so I couldn’t go to the stupid party. However, as if fate wanted Mitch and I to meet, Cris talked me into it, saying it would be good for me to unwind a bit after the rough week I had had at work. Therefore, I got on my favourite black dress, heels, light make-up and drove to Robert’s place. Once there I realised the evening wasn’t going to be much fun; to be honest, I knew Robbie wasn’t much of a wild guy. Nevertheless, just when I was about to leave, I spotted him leaning against a tall column, smoking a cigarette. I couldn’t quite place what gave me the courage, but I walked up to that handsome man. We talked all night long, both sat at a bench on the park in front of the house. That night was purely magical.

“Sweetheart!” Mitch’s hoarse voice called, splashing water on me playfully. “Come join me, please!”

“Mitch!” Exclaiming, I started drying myself with the white towel I had brought for him. “I don’t want to get wet.”

“Just for a little bit. I want to talk to you about something.”

“Why don’t you come here?”

“No, it has to be here. Please, baby girl, it won’t take long. Just five minutes, okay?”

“Five minutes!” Shrugging, I agreed, making my way into the cold water. “Jesus, this is cold!”

“I’ll warm you up.” He said, his strong arms wounding themselves around my waist. “You’re so beautiful, you know that?”

In delight, I just let my head fall to rest on his shoulder, my eyes sealed shut. Being within his embrace was an indescribable feeling, if there’s a place where I could die in peace, it was under his silky touch. My boyfriend dragged his beautiful upturned nose up my neck, his teeth nibbling at the sensitive skin of my earlobe, causing me to hum in pleasure. His thumbs, then, began a soft massage at each side of my body. I had no idea what he wanted out of this, but I was enjoying it a lot.

“Mitch…” I whispered, reaching back to cup his cheek. “You can’t do that to me in public. I can’t resist it.”

“Babe, don’t use that sexy voice on me. It’s not right.” The brown haired man muttered, his mouth now latched on the crook of my neck. “Plus, I called you here because I wanted to tell you something.”

“What is it?”

“First I want you to know that you are the love of my life. I have loved a few women back then, but when it comes to you, all those loves from before seems as if they were merely passions. Because when I look at you, my heart warms up, my legs tremble and I am struck with the realisation that I rather be shot on the stomach or be beaten up til I’m dead than to lose you.”

“Oh baby.” A single tear fell from my right eye, a lump forming on my throat. I swivelled myself to stare at him, noticing he was just as emotional as I was. “I love you so much.”

“Sh, babe, let me finish.” He smiled, wiping away the string of teardrops streaming down my cheeks. “What I am trying to say is that, whenever I have to be away from you, I feel this awful sensation in my gut, like something is missing. I miss the way your hair scatters on my pillow and how you steal the sheets all to yourself, leaving my feet cold in the dead of night. I miss your arms wrapped around my waist. You fixing my ties. You stealing kisses. I miss you. And I don’t want to miss you any more. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Y/N.”

“Yes.”

“Oh, no, let me ask first.” We both laughed, our cries mingling with the happiness. “Will you-”

“Yes, yes, yes.”

“Y/N!” Mitch squeezed my hand, tilting his head. “Will you marry me?”

“Fuck yes, baby, I’ll be your wife. Your partner. Everything that you want.”

Wearing the cutest smile in the whole wild world, he slided down my finger a beautiful ring. I could sense my heart pounding against my ribcage as I admired him awe, my hands cupping his cheeks, feeling the soft stinging of his beard against my palms. He laced his arms around my small back, pulling us even closer so he could finally connect our lips into a very meaningful kiss. There wasn’t anything wild or hot, like our usual. It was just two souls in love making a deeper connection through a physical act.

“I love you.”

“Me too, darling, me too.”

October, 2017

A small pile of clothes, alongside with thrown shoes, made a slight disarray on our bedroom’s recently cleaned floor. Not that we cared, anyway, we were way too busy trying to get our breathings back to normal, feeling the cold touch of our sweat dripping down our backs while two tired, but blissful, smiles rested on our lips. Mitch and I had made quite a mess tonight.

I guess it was the long time we spent apart from each other that caused us to be so hungry. My beloved husband had been tasked with an undercover mission in Afghanistan, one that lasted over two months. Meaning that when he got back home, there wasn’t anything we wanted to do other than make sure we knew how much we had missed one another. The rest didn’t matter at all.

“Sweetheart?” He muttered quietly, after pulling me to lie my head on his chest, hands slowly stroking my back. “You haven’t talked much… Is everything okay?”

“Of course it is, Mitch, I’m just a bit numb. That’s all.”

The man laughed loudly, shaking his head while tightening his arms around me in a clumsy hug. I, on the other hand, solely smiled, too busy drawing imaginary figures on his pale arm. It was so damn good to be around him again… No words were actually needed. Just the warm sensation of his skin against mine, protecting me from the coldness of autumn. The worst time of the year was coming.

“I was thinking…”

“You thinking? That’s news! What have they done with you in there?” I joked, looking up at him and seeing the frown forming on his face.

“Very funny, Y/N.” He replied, shifting us so we were lying facing each other. “It’s serious.”

“Fine, fine, I’m sorry. Tell me.”

“Okay, uh… So, we have been married for two years now.”

“Yes, we have.” Now I was smirking, I loved seeing him acting so nervous. It was so incredibly adorable. “What do you want to tell me, baby?”

His tepid hands reached for my cheeks, cupping them gently and directing me the beautiful honey eyed glance I loved so much. His eyes never seemed brighter to me, which caused a shy grin to pull up the corners of my mouth. Mitch smiled as well, his thumbs massaging my cheekbones. I closed my eyes for a minute, too overwhelmed by his blazing gaze.

“I don’t want you to be pressured about what I’m going to say. If you don’t want to, that’s okay with me. Whatever makes you happy, makes me happy too.”

“Please spill the tea. I’m curious.”

“Let’s have a baby. We have been together for five years, we’re married, have our own place, stable jobs… It’s the right timing to start our family, don’t you think?”

“Wow, Mitch, wait a minute.”

Sitting up straight on our california king sized bed, I carefully observed his features, the beam of hope fading away from his eyes. It wasn’t like I didn’t want to have a family with him. If there was anyone I would want to have a kid with, that someone was Mitch Rapp. Nevertheless, I couldn’t ignore the fact he worked for the government as a CIA agent. It was a dangerous job; Hell, I was constantly worrying whether he would return home whole from his missions. Also, my husband had many enemies. I don’t know if I could risk the life of a child.

“I know what you’re thinking.” The honey eyed man murmured. “I know that look.”

“Then you know I can’t do that.”

“But you want to, don’t you?”

“Yes, of course, I want everything with you.” I sighed, shaking my head, a couple of tears escaping. “But it’s risky, you and I both know it.”

“I’ll quit my job.” Mitch said, staring at me so vividly I knew he wasn’t just saying that out of the heat of the moment. “I can easily find another one. Or maybe work with you at the pet clinic. I honestly don’t mind.”

“Oh no, please don’t say that. I don’t want you to give up on your dream job. I love you way too much to allow that.”

“Listen to me.” He intertwined our digits again, giving a soft squeeze. “I know what it has done to us. Fuck, I hate when I’m too far from you. I don’t want it any more. So… At the end of the year, I am going to resign.”

“Baby…”

“No, I have set my mind on it. I can be on the training team, or preparing the new recruits. But no more missions. I’m done.”

“You promise to me that’s what you really want?”

“Cross my heart and hope to die.”

Then, in a swift movement, I straddled his lap, lacing my arms around his neck and quickly planting a kiss on his soft, pink lips. Without thinking twice, he returned the fond action, palms gripping the back of my tights, eliciting a gentle, delighted hum to fall from my mouth. I didn’t want to admit out loud, but I was happy Mitch had made that choice. I hated the fact we had to spend so much time away from each other. Now it was like I could breathe properly. I wouldn’t have to worry about my husband’s safety any more.

A few moments later, we broke the kiss, still gasping and heaving.

“I’ll ask again now.” He mumbled, hands rubbing my back at leisure. “Do you, Mrs. Rapp, want to make a baby with me?”

“You are so cheesy.” I chuckled, hiding my face on the crook of his neck, intoxicating myself with his manly scent. “Yes, I do, Mr. Rapp. Let’s make a baby.”

“It will be my pleasure.” My husband answered and I could already feel his ‘excitement’ poking my inner thigh.

“I’m hoping it will be ours.”

“I’ll make sure it will.”

“Alright. I trust you.”

Chuckling, Mitch pushed me down onto the mattress so he could be lying above me, my legs wounded around his waist. His nose poked mine, teasing before sealing our lips in one hell of a good kiss. The night was surely going to be fun.

November, 14th, 2017

While pouring fresh tea inside a large mug, already wearing my thickest set of sweaters, I began wondering if I would ever get used to missing Mitch. He had left only a week ago, but each morning I woke up without him by my side caused a dull ache to spread on my chest. It didn’t matter how many times we had done it before, I was never fully completed unless he was with me. Some might say I was addicted to him, however, they didn’t know about our personal life. They didn’t know the extension of our love towards one another. And this was something I guess no one will ever truly understand.

Taking a deep breath, I decided it was best if I went upstairs to snuggle under my comfy sheets. I had woken up with a horrible belly twisting that made me stay all the day long at home, because I couldn’t stop throwing up; when I called Cris to let her know I wouldn’t go to work, she offered herself to drop off some healthy food at my place once the working day was done. Such a good friend! She even suggested to stay with me the night, but I couldn’t get her away from her kids or husband. Thus she left, about thirty minutes ago. To be honest, I was already better. I had taken two pills, ate a good warm soup… My stomach seemed to be completely okay now.

As soon as I stepped inside my room, my phone began ringing; upon realising it could only be Mitch, my heart skipped a beat and I ran to pick it up, not able to wait another moment. I needed to see his face.

“Hey babe.” He said, winking at me playfully. “How are you today?”

“I was a bit sick earlier, but I’m better now.” I answered honestly, placing the cup of tea on my nightstand. “Some food probably didn’t sit me right.”

“You have to eat properly, Y/N. Especially now that we’re trying to have a baby.”

“Yes, you’re right. I just wished you were here.”

“I’ll be home soon, baby girl. Just one more week, alright?”

“Uh-uh.” Sipping at my delicious drink, I gazed at him, watching him smile. God I loved that man with all my heart. “Are you okay?”

“Well, I would be if you were here with me, but since you’re not, I can only say I’m good. My heart misses you. And other things miss you too.”

“Ew, you pervert.”

Our call lasted about an hour, one that made me forget that I was ever feeling sick or sad. We laughed, told each other about our day, him having a lot more to say than I did, a couple of jokes, a few cheesy ‘I love you’s and when we finally came down to our senses, it was way too late for either of us to be up. Mitch yawned while I stretched, barely able to keep my eyes open.

“Alright, we should go sleep.”

“Yeah, I think we should, babe.” I agreed, nodding, blinking way too many times.

“I love you, girl.”

“I love you more.”

He glared at me seriously, pausing and taking a deep breath afore breaking down into a cheerful laugh. It was so contagious, I wasn’t able to hold back a chuckle; seeing him so happy made me feel great inside.

“If you say so.”

“Bye, baby.”

Waving one last time to me, still smirking, Mitch ended the call. I threw my cellphone to his side of the bed, heaving in pleasure and finally feeling at ease for a change. Within seconds I felt myself drift off, his beautiful image still floating inside my mind.

November, 16th, 2017

Today was marking exactly two days since I had last spoken to my husband and, as usual, I was starting to feel anxious. In the five years we had been together, whenever he was away working, there wasn’t a single day we didn’t find a way to let the other know we were fine. Either through messages or calling. So it was pretty weird that he hadn’t make any sort of contact, but I was trying to not let my bad thoughts get best of me. Mitch was probably stuck with something so he wasn’t able to reach me. Yes, that was the probably the explanation behind this.

With the positive thinking in my mind, I got up from bed, ate a delicious breakfast, put on some clothes and went to work. Busying myself was probably the best option I had now, despite feeling still a little bit sick, I wasn’t going to mope around home. My clinic needed me; once there, I totally forgot about the external world. Just me and the adorable animals. They always managed to get me a better mood.

During the whole day, I found the necessary strength to not check my phone repeatedly; it wouldn’t do any good to martyrise myself. I knew my husband; he was damn good on what he did. It was worthless to worry, plus, Mitch wouldn’t want that. Maybe he just rescheduled his coming back and hadn’t told me to make me a surprise.

Shaking my head, I focused on the last animal I would have to treat today. My head was feeling a bit light and needed my bed as soon as possible; I was definitely not better from whatever I had. Perhaps I should just throw away all of my food. But, if I were to be honest, I wasn’t exactly feeling up to eat anyway.

“Okay, this pup is very much healthy.” I said, scratching the back of the dog’s ears. “Don’t be so preoccupied, he only has a mild cold. This big boy should be better in a few days. Just make sure he eats right.”

“Alright.” The sixty and something woman smiled at me. “Thank you, Mrs. Rapp.”

“Call me Y/N, please, and I am the one who’s thankful you chose us to take care of your little one.” We shook hands for a brief second. “If that doesn’t go away in a week and half, bring him back here.”

“I’ll do that. Again, thank you so much, Y/N.”

Mrs. Emerson waved goodbye and disappeared through the tall brown door of my office, leaving me completely alone for the first time today. Inhaling a deep breath, I opted to use the last fifteen minutes to sign some papers; nevertheless, no matter how hard I tried to fight, I still could feel that something was off, even though I didn’t know what was causing me to be like that.

Huffing, I realised I couldn’t push myself any further; mind was too fuzzy and I still had to drive home, so, in about five minutes, I packed all my stuff, everything perfectly set to my departure. I gave the keys to Philip, the receptionist, then went outside, feeling the rough wind slap my face. Urgh, I hated this crappy season.

On the way back to my place, a thin rain began to fall and the traffic grew heavier. A trip that lasted ten minutes got extended to twenty. Nonetheless, the second I arrived, I felt my entire body froze when I spotted a black Mercedes parked outside my house. This sort of thing never brought good news. A small part of me still wished the car wasn’t waiting for me, that this whole thing was just one big misunderstanding.

I was wrong, obviously.

“Mrs. Rapp, wait!”

“Yes?”

“I’m a Irene Kennedy.” The beautiful woman who had stopped me from going inside introduced herself, her traits very much austere. “I work with your husband, Mitch Rapp.”

“Oh.” It was all I managed to say. “And?”

“I need to speak with you for a minute. Is that okay?”

“Sure.” Tightening the coat around me, I motioned to my home. “Let’s get inside first. It’s really cold.”

“Okay, that’s sounds good.”

While we made our way towards my residence, I wasn’t able to contain my curiosity, glaring at her by the corner of my eye, searching for any clues on her appearance that would help me uncover the reasons beneath her sudden visit. Even though I couldn’t spot anything out of the usual, the weird feeling at the pit of my stomach got back, this time even stronger, so much I was damn sure I would be throwing up soon.

My hands began shaking and I had to take a good deep breath before unlocking my front door, revealing the neatly organised living room. If Irene had noticed my nervousness, she had done pretty great job at pretending everything was fine. Maybe she was just used to handling the soldiers wives always being worried about their husbands.

“Do you want anything?” I questioned, clamping my bottom lip between my teeth. “A glass of water? Juice?”

“No, I’m fine. Can we talk now?”

“I know what you’re going to say and I-I don’t know if I’m ready.”

“Sit, please.”

“How badly?” The words had come out so low I wasn’t sure if Kennedy had understood what I had said.

“I beg your pardon?”

“Mitch. He’s injured, isn’t he? That’s why he hasn’t called me, right?”

“Mrs. Rapp…”

“Call me Y/N.” As I dismissed her, I could already feel the tears welling up in my eyes. “When can I see him?”

“Y/N, I’m afraid it’s little bit more serious than just a injury.”

“What do you mean?”

“Mitch, uh, he…” Irene muttered uneasy. “He passed away.”

At first, I didn’t quite know what to do with that information, because it simply could not be true. Mitch Rapp, my husband, the future father of my children, would never, never, leave me like that. We had made promises! We were going to make a family. For God’s sakes, we swore to grow old together. It was lie. A mean, terrible lie. But then, once Irene started to rub my arm, I realised it wasn’t. He wouldn’t magically appear from behind a curtain saying ‘surprise!’. It was that moment everything crashed down. All my senses simply decided to cease their functions, leaving me to rot.

I struggled, trying to breathe, trying to make out of the darkness and fog that suddenly clouded my sight. Nevertheless, the more I tried, I knew, deep down, I didn’t want to, really. If it meant I would be living in a world where I would not have my soulmate beside me, I didn’t want live at all.

“Y/N, are you okay?”

“No, I’m not.” Tears were now rolling down my cheeks, breathing growing harder and harder. “I-I… What happened?”

“He was shot in a crossfire, we tried all we could to bring him back, but the bullet had gone too deep.”

“W-when can I see him? His body.”

“Soon. We’re making all the arrangements to his funeral.”

“Okay, I-”

But I was never able to finish that sentence.

When I regained my senses again, I was no longer at home, but actually in a very bright, white place. I had wires connected to my body, an IV that made my arm ache a bit and a monitor beeping to each of my heartbeats. What was I doing at hospital?

As if someone was reading my mind, a very nice looking woman walked inside my room, a chart on her hands. She smiled at me politely whilst I sighed, shifting on the hospital bed.

“How you’re feeling, Mrs. Rapp?”

“Awful.”

“That’s okay, you have been through a traumatic event. You’ll need time to recover.”

“Why am I here?”

“A woman named Irene brought you in last night, you were passed out. She informed us about your husband, so we were sure it was just the stress, but we ran some tests and-”

“Oh.” The sinking feeling in my belly returned, once the memories of last night’s events flooded back in. “Where is she?”

“Uh, Ms. Kennedy couldn’t stay, she called a friend of yours, Cristina Anderson.” The woman mumbled, her eyes weary. “But I have good news.”

“Good news?” I shrieked, narrowing my eyes. “The only good news you could tell me is if I’m dying.”

“Mrs. Rapp, I wish there was something I could do besides telling you how sorry I am for your loss.”

“Oh shut up, no one of you know what I’m going through. I-I just… I want to die. Please, inject me with something. Ease my pain. I give you the rights.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re pregnant.”

“I’m what?”

“We ran some blood tests, just to rule out the causes of your dizziness and faint. Your friend told us you have been sick for a few days. I’m sorry this is the worst timing in the world for you to be receiving this news, but… You’re pregnant.”

December, 2017

It is still hard for me to get up from my bed each morning. To not feel his arms tight around my waistline, or hear him whispering how much he loves me. I was still paralysed and I didn’t think I would be much better in any time soon, even though I needed to due to my current situation.

I took a sip from my tea, trying to control the tears that threatened to come back. The rain smoothened a little, yet, the wind kept whooshing, slapping my face and probably leaving my cheeks reddened. Remembering him made me feel at home, at least for a while.

“I wish you were here, baby.” Stroking my still straight belly, I whispered to the wind, hopeful that whenever he was he would hear me. “Just to see the child you wanted growing. I understand you had go, but it would be so much better if you were here to go through this with me…”

A single tear slipped. I still had so much to tell him… I wanted to see him again, hear his voice, hold him one last time, say that I loved him more than anything; that he was the most important person in this world for me; that I would never feel complete again; that nothing would ever be the same without him. I would give anything to do that.

His happy face haunted my thoughts, the last words repeating themselves again and again in my mind… “If you say so”. It was ironic that despite shattering my heart into a zillion pieces, Mitch was still able to leave me with a gift. A small piece of him to remind me that he would always be my side. His last wish would become true.

“I only hope you’re watching us from there and that you know I still love you more.”

And, after I said that, a soft breeze hit my face, as if he was answering me. I smirked, walking inside, more sure than ever that, as long as I kept him within my heart, Mitch would always be by my side.

you said ‘I love you girl’

I said ‘I love you more’

Then a breath, a pause, you said

‘If you say so’

opinions?

171 notes · View notes

restlessmaknae · 7 years

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Heartbreak Hotel; Jae

Take an aspiring song writer, a rebellious high schooler, a sassy English teacher, a passionate painter and an adventurous tour guide. What’s the same in all of them? They’ve all just had their heart broken.

Heartbreak Hotel is a DAY6 angst one-shot collection with 5 members & 5 songs & 5 stories.

Sungjin | Dowoon | Young K | Wonpil | Jae

V. Jae + It Would Have Been

English teacher!Jae x OC’s story in 1033 words. Angst & drama. Triggers: death. I would like to wrap up this angsty series with Jae’s story because the birthday boy deserves more love (and more stories). *-*

The traces of you are all over the flat.

Your favourite pink sweater with that cute little emoji on the front that you’ve always wanted to see on me. The half-open bottle of your smoky night nail polish that you’ve once used to paint my own nails in secret while I was asleep. The bookmark that you’ve made with your own hands using heart-shaped beads and purple ribbons. The frames that you’ve purchased a week ago, so that we can put our pictures somewhere and not between the pages of your favourite books or between the listening tasks for my English classes. The sweet little messages on the fridge that we’ve left for each other saying plain old I love yous or the funnier ones like I know you’ve said that I shouldn’t eat the last cookie but the temptation was too much. The leftovers of your delicious mapo tofu that you’ve made last night because you know it’s my favourite and I had a pretty rough day and you just wanted to cheer me up. The jokes that I’ve told you and that you jotted down every single time, collecting them in a notebook because you said that you would like to save them for later.

Your pink toothbrush that you bought in a package along with a blue one, so that we can use it as a couple thing. The pictures of you and me that you’ve taken with your polaroid camera and which was my birthday present for you the year before because you’ve always been interested in photography but you never had a decent camera. The keychain with a Kumamon figure on it that you bought for me last Christmas and that I’ve always wanted to put my hands on because that was the only missing piece from my collection. All the essays that you’ve written for my English classes because I kept them all in a folder, organised and neat just like their owner. All the tests that you’ve taken during my classes, so that I can see your handwriting over and over again and start missing your handwriting more and more. Your lovely letter after you had got the results of your CAE exam, thanking me because you had passed and it meant that you had the chance to apply for a scholarship in the UK.

Your phone number that you’ve written down on a piece of paper, your handwriting’s a mess but that’s okay because you were in a hurry and I was after another difficult lesson. The pencil on my desk that I gave you and you never once gave it back face-to-face but still secretly returned it, put it in my drawer and bought a new one alongside the old one. The mug that you had given me for our 3rd anniversary which says that I’m the coolest guy on Earth (and the luckiest too because I have such a girlfriend like you). The mug that I had given you for our 4th anniversary that says that you are the most beautiful girl on Earth and the luckiest too because you have a fiancé like me.

Your vanilla and cinnamon scented candles that you adored to light up no matter the season, the weather or our mood. The scent of your mango and passionfruit perfume that lingers around the bathroom because you always spray so much that the whole room smells of you. The voice message that you recorded for me when I was away for two weeks for a training and the one that can still send shivers down my spine every single time I listen to it. The oversized grey hoodie that is my favourite item and the one you always wear after we sleep together. The sight of your worn-out training shoes that you wouldn’t throw out for the world because those are the ones that you wore when we first met.

The traces of you are all over our flat.

Your plants that you brought with you when we decided to move together. Lucky, our dog that we picked out at an animal shelter and whom we took care of as if it was our own child.

The traces of you are all over our flat. Like you never wanted to go. Like you’ve never even wanted to leave. Like you’ve just got home from work, put your clothes on the coatrack and your shoes on the rack in the hallway and headed to the living room to put on some music – one that we both liked because we could argue over music for hours. Like you’ve never wanted to do anything else but to spend time with me and make this whole place feel like home, feel like our home. Like you’ve never wanted to put an end to this fairy-tale that we were currently writing.

Your beloved clock was still hanging on the wall. It was the one that you bought as soon as we moved together because there wasn’t a single clock around and the one that hits midnight at the moment. The same time I received the news yesterday.

The news of your accident.

The news of your death.

It would have been different… oh, it would have been so much different if I hadn’t let go of your hand after lunch and you wouldn’t want to buy medicine for me because I came down with a flu and we had nothing at home to make me feel better.

I should have said that you were enough, your presence was the only medicine that I needed but you still insisted and went out late at night. A drunk man didn’t stop at the red lights and hit you with his car. You died on the spot with a bag of medication in your hand.

I still can’t let go of the our before the word flat.

I don’t want it to be just mine again.

I don’t want Lucky to be just my dog, I want it to be ours again.

It would have been different but I can’t help it anymore. You aren’t here and you never will. Not again.

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lynnerz1030-blog · 6 years

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Week 1

Marathon training has officially begun! I was pumped to get started, knowing my end goal. A while ago, I did some research, and found a 16-week running plan that I thought would work for me. The plan includes running 4 days a week. However, I decided that I will only run 3 days a week, because I also kickbox and meet with my trainer twice a week. I don’t want to overdo it, and either get too tired to run or injure myself as I get more into my training. Now, I will run every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday. I see my trainer every Tuesday and Thursday, and will also go to kickboxing on these two days as well.

I was so excited to start running on Monday. It was only a 3 mile run, which I knew would be easy for me since that is a pretty normal distance for me to run, and I have been doing it more regularly to get a base established. I would really prefer to run outside, but the weather has been awful (cold/ice/snow) and I get out of work too late to be able to run in daylight. I don’t like the treadmill very much because I don’t feel like I’m moving anywhere, and I can’t adjust my speed as easily as I would be able to outside. It gets so boring, but I have to deal with it with our crazy CNY winters. I went to the fitness center at the school I work at right after I was done and hopped on a treadmill. I have a running playlist on Spotify that I have added songs to and changed up for years to keep me motivated while running. I hit shuffle on that playlist, and somehow ended up with some really kickass songs to get me through the run. I found that I wanted to run faster, and I was able to increase my speed consistently throughout my run. I felt like this could have been a fluke because it was my first official training run, but oh well! At least I got my first run done and it went really well.

Working in a school definitely has it perks, but when it is cold and flu season, watch out! I am constantly using Clorox wipes on all the surfaces in my office, washing my hands, and using hand sanitizer. Usually, I am pretty healthy (knock on wood). Last year, I did get the flu and had to miss a couple days of work (I blame the flu shot that was only 10% effective last year). On Tuesday during this week, I felt like crap. I had a wicked headache, my whole body ached (not in an “I worked out yesterday and I am sore” way), and I kept getting the chills. I kept thinking to myself that I was going to get the flu again, because this was exactly how I felt last year before I found out I had the flu. I skipped kickboxing on Tuesday night, went home, took some medicine, and went to bed early. I was convinced that I would be calling into work sick the next morning and would be out the rest of the week.

I woke up on Wednesday feeling much better. I still had a little bit of a headache, but my body no longer ached, and I wasn’t freezing cold. I went to work, and figured I would play it by ear if I would run after or not. I made it through the day without feeling any worse and decided I would try to run. I was scheduled to run 4 miles, but figured I would just run as much as I could until I felt like crap. When I got to the fitness center, there were more people on the treadmills this time. I’m the type of person that always feels the need to be in a race with the people that are on treadmills around me. I constantly look at the treadmills next to me so that I can see what speed people are running at and make sure I run faster. I made it a competition and was able to run all 4 miles. I wasn’t too tired afterwards, either, which was nice, considering I thought I was sick.

I saw my trainer on Thursday, but did not go to kickboxing. I also took Friday off to rest before my “long” run on Saturday. I did go see a counselor for the first time on Friday, and I really liked it. It was nice to go through my breakup with someone more objective. I felt very validated about how I reacted to things, and I was able to see some things from a different perspective. I felt like this session added to my motivation to keep running. I will go back to the counselor in two weeks, so I am excited to see how I progress in that aspect, along with my marathon training.

On Saturday, I woke up pretty early so that I could get to the gym to get in a run before I went to Buffalo for the weekend. I got to the gym around 7:15 am and got in my scheduled 5 mile run. I always loved getting my run/workout in early in the morning so that way, I could have the rest of my day to spend however I wanted to. For the past few months, I have really struggled with waking up early and even being motivated to do anything. There have been so many times where I have gotten up and and decided not to go for a run or even workout because I thought it was too late and there were other things I felt like I needed to accomplish. It definitely wasn’t easy to wake up this early on a Saturday, but I did it. I think if I go with the mindset that my goal of running this marathon is to become happier again, I am thinking/hoping that will make it easier to get up in the morning to run and to stick with this routine.

Sidenote- I realized that there are a couple songs I will need to listen to on every run to help keep me motivated (even if I have to put them on repeat for a few times): LA Devotee-Panic! At the Disco and Diamond Eyes-Shinedown. Let me know if you guys have any other song suggestions!

0 notes

gordonwilliamsweb · 4 years

Text

Must-Reads Of The Week

The Friday Breeze

Want to read the best and most provocative stories from the week? Welcome to the Friday Breeze, where we compile them all — so you’re set with your weekend reading.

While we transition from one talented newsletter editor to the next, regular readers will be subjected to yet another guest writer, me, Rachel Bluth, a KHN reporter in Sacramento, California. Don’t worry though, we’re maintaining a sense of continuity. The writer is different, but the news is the same: bad. Here are the stories you might have missed this week if you were binge-watching Netflix to escape reality.

Surge, Baby Surge

Does it feel like spring? Looking only at the coronavirus infection rates, one might think it was still April. States keep insisting on reopening, and the virus has reached its highest U.S. case count in two months.

Texas, Florida, Arizona and California have all seen record-breaking spikes in new cases this week. Texas Gov. Greg Abbott “paused” reopening Thursday, and then went further on Friday by closing bars and reducing restaurant occupancy. Which sounds significant until you realize people can still gather in groups of 100.

As far as contact tracers can tell, most of these new cases aren’t coming from protests against police brutality, according to NPR. Instead, cases are mostly coming from family parties in private homes. States are finding that their coronavirus patients skew younger and younger.

“In June, we’re seeing that now 2 out of 3 people that have contracted this disease are under 29,” Erika Lautenbach, director of the Whatcom County Health Department in Washington state, told NPR. Now more than ever, it’s time to tell your cousin to put down the White Claw and pick up a mask.

The Friday Breeze

Want a roundup of the must-read stories this week? Sign up for The Friday Breeze today.

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More states now require mask-wearing in public: California and Washington are the latest to join the ranks.

The good news is that while businesses open around the country, masks seem to be saving lives. Two sick hairstylists in Springfield, Missouri, prevented further infections by wearing masks, according to reporting from The Washington Post.

The bad news is that people don’t like being told what to do — although maybe that isn’t news. A sheriff in Washington told people in his jurisdiction to flout mask rules, saying, “Don’t be a sheep.” For the record, there have been no studies yet about COVID-19 risk in livestock, so it might behoove us to all to be a little more like sheep, anyway. (Did you catch the pun there?)

Ditching the Dirt

Next, let’s talk about your bits. Groin, underarms, feet … the dirty bits. You should be washing them! Your hands, too. But that might be enough, according to scientists quoted in The Atlantic this month. Over-washing the rest of your body by showering too much could lead to eczema flare-ups and change our bodies’ natural defenses to germs and bacteria. More showering isn’t necessarily better for us, so it could be time to reevaluate how often you shower. And while we’re here, please wash your hands.

I know, I know. It’s hard to remember to cover your snout and wash your paws. If we can count on anything in these turbulent times, it is that capitalism always finds a way. This week, Apple announced a new feature to help enforce hand-washing guidelines. A countdown timer reminds people to wash thoroughly. According to NBC, it’s a play to sell more tech to hospitals and clinics. It’s unclear at the time of publication how facilities that cannot afford personal protective equipment will pay for Apple Watches. Perhaps most crucially, the update will let users add a CDC-recommended face covering to their personalized emojis. Surely, with all these technological advancements, a coronavirus cure cannot be far off.

Testing and Testimony

Speaking of cures and treatments, Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of NIH’s National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, gave the country a hesitant shot of hope this week when he said he’s “cautiously optimistic” about a vaccine being ready by the end of this year or early 2021.

That’s about all the optimism he had to give during his Tuesday testimony before the House Energy and Commerce Committee. Fauci joined other top health officials in telling lawmakers that talk of a “second wave” of the coronavirus is premature. We are still very much in the first wave.

“The virus is not going to disappear,” Fauci said.

Dr. Brett Giroir, assistant secretary for health at HHS, said even the 500,000 daily tests being conducted nationwide are not enough, and having only 28,000 trained contact tracers is also insufficient.

Fauci also warned that flu season would be extra dangerous this year, because two upper-respiratory infections swirling around the population could spell disaster. Two lungs, two infections? At least we have symmetry to look forward to this winter.

Immigration, Now With Health Policy Implications

Things are still bad in rural America, where testing in remote areas has been spotty at best. Some officials are worried things will only get worse, now that the Trump administration is restricting H-1B visas, which bring certain skilled workers into the country. These visas have often been used to get foreign doctors into underserved rural communities who lack doctors. After pressure from business interests, it appears the administration will exempt health care workers.

Americans may also be on the receiving end of immigration restrictions soon. The European Union is considering putting travel restrictions on visitors from countries where the virus is not well controlled. With over 2.4 million cases, things are not looking good for Americans trying to summer on the French Riviera this year.

Well, let’s forget about other countries. This is America, spiritual birthplace of the road trip! At least we can go to other states, right? Not so fast. The governors of New York, New Jersey and Connecticut announced that visitors from especially hard-hit hot spots would have to cool their heels in a two-week quarantine if they want to come to the tri-state area. Rhode Island is considering similar measures. Visitors to Hawaii need a negative COVID test to skip quarantine. President Donald Trump says these rules, like many others, do not apply to him.

Hugged A Tree Lately?

Has the regular terror of the coronavirus distracted you from the threat of climate change? Fret not! This week, we have a two-for-one special on existential crises, brought to us by NPR. Scientists have found a correlation between deforestation and disease outbreaks like Ebola. Turns out that decimating animals’ natural environment pushes them closer to humans and increases the likelihood of zoonosis (a fun word for the terrifying prospect of a disease jumping from animals to humans). We don’t have enough information yet to know if the coronavirus was a direct result of deforestation, but maybe the middle of a pandemic is the wrong time to keep cutting down trees.

I’ve been told there is non-coronavirus news still happening, but I can’t confirm that. In lieu of real news, take a few of these feel-good stories to tide you over until the world improves: Mark Ruffalo got a kitten, this toad might not actually be extinct, and this cyclist rode his bike up and down a hill for over seven hours to beat a world record! See, everything is fine.

Enjoy your weekend! Writing this was hard and I never want to do it again. Stay safe, and wash your hands and bits.

Must-Reads Of The Week published first on https://nootropicspowdersupplier.tumblr.com/

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dinafbrownil · 4 years

Text

Must-Reads Of The Week

The Friday Breeze

Want to read the best and most provocative stories from the week? Welcome to the Friday Breeze, where we compile them all — so you’re set with your weekend reading.

Surge, Baby Surge

Texas, Florida, Arizona and California have all seen record-breaking spikes in new cases this week. Texas Gov. Greg Abbott is now “pausing” reopening, which sounds significant until you realize restaurants are still allowed to operate at 75% occupancy.

The Friday Breeze

Want a roundup of the must-read stories this week? Sign up for The Friday Breeze today.

Please confirm your email address below:

More states now require mask-wearing in public: California and Washington are the latest to join the ranks.

Ditching the Dirt

Testing and Testimony

“The virus is not going to disappear,” Fauci said.

Immigration, Now With Health Policy Implications

Hugged A Tree Lately?

Enjoy your weekend! Writing this was hard and I never want to do it again. Stay safe, and wash your hands and bits.

from Updates By Dina https://khn.org/news/friday-breeze-health-care-policy-must-reads-of-the-week-rachel-bluth-june-26-2020/

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stephenmccull · 4 years

Text

Must-Reads Of The Week

The Friday Breeze

Want to read the best and most provocative stories from the week? Welcome to the Friday Breeze, where we compile them all — so you’re set with your weekend reading.

Surge, Baby Surge

The Friday Breeze

Want a roundup of the must-read stories this week? Sign up for The Friday Breeze today.

Please confirm your email address below:

More states now require mask-wearing in public: California and Washington are the latest to join the ranks.

Ditching the Dirt

Testing and Testimony

“The virus is not going to disappear,” Fauci said.

Immigration, Now With Health Policy Implications

Hugged A Tree Lately?

Enjoy your weekend! Writing this was hard and I never want to do it again. Stay safe, and wash your hands and bits.

Must-Reads Of The Week published first on https://smartdrinkingweb.weebly.com/

0 notes

opepin · 7 years

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nov: week one

06: i was not feeling motivated to work out this morning. my back ached and i was still sore from the massage and maybe a bit of whatever i did yesterday. kevin woke up early for work and i left to work out when he woke up. i did 30 minutes of cardio abs and kevin stopped by the yoga studio to say goodbye. (: then i got back, did a bit of work, showered, and made myself a smoothie for breakfast. we bought some sour patch kids + watermelon because it was 50% off at roche bros and now i want to eat them all the time but i feel like crap after i eat them lol. the sour and sweet makes my stomach feel real acidic. anyway, i snacked a bit and then snacked on edamame before eating lunch. i microwaved the leftover seafood pasta and finished off my shakshuka. i worked on creating training stuff today and then comcast had an outage lol. the website was real slow so i worked with it as best as possible. i could watch youtube videos just fine though o__o’ it got fixed after stand up ended and i finished up my training stuff and created a to-do list for tomorrow. i felt sluggish all day and wanted to nap.

i hopped into bed and ended up watching youtube videos until 5 pm and then i went to the yoga studio and did abs and a bit of cardio. i took a nice long shower when i got back and then made myself a smoothie. this peanut butter powder is nice and all because there’s less fat, but i don’t feel full after drinking my smoothie anymore. i might opt for real peanut butter in the morning and then powder after my evening workouts? hmm. anyway, after i drank my smoothie, i microwaved pulled chicken leftovers and made a english muffin with pulled chicken and leftover slaw for dinner. i still felt hungry but i made myself wait it out to see if i was actually hungry lol. i did eat a small square of chocolate though. then i spent the rest of the night watching anime :3 i watched 9 episodes (srs LOL) of season 2 of ‘kimi no todoke.’ i watched that much because i did not want to stop when the couple was still having misunderstandings. omg, i was so frustrated LOL. kevin got back at around 10:30 pm from his dinner with haoqi. he brought back leftover pulled pork and also got me banana pudding <333

i brushed and then hopped in bed with him while we just talked about our days and kind of future plans. i was pretty tired and he wanted to shower and eat dragon fruit lol. so i went to sleep. i woke up at some point to pee because i drank a lot of water before sleeping lol. i kind of scared kevin apparently ;P

07: man, i always wake up before my alarm rings nowadays. it’s not even consistent! i wake up at 7:15 am sometimes or 8 am sometimes, but i always wake up before it rings. -__-” sigh. well, i was wide awake before my alarm rang at 7;15 am today but i fell asleep and got up at 7:40 am. then i did some cardio hip hop because why not exercise the way you want to even if it’s not super intense? i’m backtracking on this whole doing hiit and weight lifting thing. it’s making me feel terrible. lol. i showered and then made myself a smoothie for breakfast. kevin was awake so i talked to him for a bit before heading out. no one was in the office on the product team side today. lol at least i’m in the office, right? the day went by fast then super slow. i wasn’t super busy during the day but i was pretty productive. i also managed to multitask and finish watching ‘kimi no todoke’ while working :DD this anime makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. i stopped by cole and john’s office and we talked about staying up late because of gaming / anime LOL. then i went back to work.

everyone left at around 4 pm or before 5 pm. i was the last one in the office because i had a client call from 4 pm to 5 pm. it got so dark outside so quickly x__x; the call ended right at 5 pm so i packed up and then headed out. i met with kevin at the train station and then ‘moderate delays’ hit. so many people were lined up to get on the train... we waited about 30-40 minutes to finally get on a train and it was hella packed. our commute home took more than an hour @_@; when we got back, we received our food52 zwilling ceramic skillet! ahhh, it’s so nice! we chilled for a bit before both of us cooked dinner. then we watched two episodes of yakitate! japan and then ate delicious beef stroganoff while watching! the sour cream in the stroganoff is probably what made me gassy later on in the evening lol. anyway, i talked to my mom for a bit and then kevin played a game of dota with jon. i stretched while watching the latest episode of ‘jane the virgin’ and then i just assumed i wouldn’t be gaming with kevin because he was playing dota for a long time lmao.

oh, i also enrolled into my employer benefits and then chilled on the couch for the rest of the night. i got really tired for some reason? i went to bed pretty early at 11:30 pm. i think i watched a bit of youtube in bed before ko’ing at around 11:50 pm. oh, i was actually looking at instagram and getting negative thoughts and feelings about it so i stopped and just went to sleep. haha.

08: i tried doing a 1 hour leg work out again. i also included some glute activation moves before i even used weights. by the time i was done with my workout, i was exhausted D: i don’t know if i like this... we’ll see. i got back and then kevin left for work. then i cooled off with a smoothie and then i showered. i felt very unmotivated in the morning but eventually got to working on recreating the pdfs for training. then i ate lunch while watching ‘gamers.’ :D it’s an odd anime so far... then i got on stand up and phil gave me an urgent task. i worked on that for the rest of the work day. kevin came back early after he ate lunch and got his flu shot. he brought me back some bark thins <333 then he went to get a haircut. the day went by super quickly. i got my new cushioned bombas in the mail and i hope they don’t rip T__T we’ll seee... kevin and i continued working until the end of the day and then i watched ‘GAMERS!’ while doing some personal errands. i don’t think i like this anime... everything is a big misunderstanding @_@;

kevin went for a run and then showered. i made rice... or i thought i did. we realized i didn’t hit ‘cook’ when kevin was almost done cooking the curry. lol. i got hungry before we even made dinner so i chugged my protein powder with water. the cocoa flavor is better than the vanilla but still kinda grody to drink with just water. anyway, while kevin showered, i cut the carrots, potatoes, and onions. then he cooked and i continued relaxing and whatever. then we ate dunner while watching an episode of yakitate! japan and finally, we got to game with ryan and terence! we played gauntlet together after they troubleshooted their black screen :33 i got mad midway because everyone kept taking all the gold while i was killing things T^T i just continued killing things for the rest of the night lol. kevin comforted me and then we figured out that i did have a sort of dash but i wasn’t aware of it... i wouldn’t have gotten so angry if i knew i also could “dash” towards the gold. lmao, i’m so emotional when it comes to games and “unfairness.” shout out to my boyfriend for being so caring and understanding of my odd emotional ways when it comes to gaming <3 i super super super appreciate him so much T__T <3 after gaming, i went to sleep... well, i went on my phone and then went to sleep at 12:30 am. oops.

09: i decided to do my complete arm / back workout after work today. so i got up, drank my breakfast smoothie, changed, and then left for work. joe was in the office today and i guess that dave was still in new york. it was a pretty chill day. i had a few meetings but nothing stressful. i did some testing in the morning and then had lunch while watching an episode of ‘GAMERS!’ and then hopped into my calls for the rest of the day. i met up with cole at around 3 pm to get starbucks with him. i don’t usually get starbucks but i wanted to get something other than boba today. we walked over to the closest one and then ordered. he got an iced chai latte and i got the praline chestnut chai tea latte... or so i thought. they actually got my order wrong and gave me the coffee latte version, but it was too late to to tell them because cole got a text about PAX badges and we ran like crazy back to the office so he could get to his computer lmao. i was running with coffee in my hands x__x; we got back to his office and then he got into the queue on his computer. he was already in on his phone. he then realized that the PAX twitter notified everyone a few minutes earlier than the text so he knew he wasn’t going to get the 4-day badge. he frantically messaged his friends. cole kept saying this was the first time he was away from the computer when they announced badge sales. T___T i apologized profusely.

he ended up buying single day passes for each day :( but he calmed down after. with a bit of cole’s persuasion, i also bought PAX badges for saturday for me and kevin. it’ll be my first convention and i’m so excited! i’m ready for you, april! :P while cole was calming down, i took our new t7 member, edwin, to the 8th floor to get his badge. noelle didn’t put his name in the system yet so i picked up a package and then headed back down with him. he seems like a really cool and chill guy! he has a switch and wasn’t afraid to charge it in the room and he talked with us about conventions and stuff. :D ahh, i love the nerds in t7 ahah. i went back to the office to do a final check on imports and then i packed up. i was supposed to leave at 4 pm but then i felt like i needed to work on that before. i still ended up leaving at 4:30 pm with cole and edwin. the train wasn’t packed and i got home fairly quickly. i picked up my ae packages and then tried everything on. i think the hoodie is a bit too long but kevin helped me decide to keep it. i want the dark blue version as well so i’ll get that in a smaller size.

after trying on stuff, i got myself into the yoga studio and did an hour of arms and back. i could tell it wasn’t going to be my best performance. my chest presses always feel wrong lol and doing a good amount of them for an hour didn’t help my form. i ended my workout doing some lower back exercises and called it a day. i got back and showered and prepped the rice cakes for dinner and drank my protein smoothie. when kevin came back from climbing, i boiled the soup with the rice cakes, made each of us fried eggs with the new ceramic pan <3, and plated everything for dinner. we started watching game of thrones because we will be going to iceland in february and we kind of wanted to appreciate the location and its ties with the series? LOL. well, i watched the first season already so it was mainly kevin watching. he was half watching tbh. after dinner, we might have played a bit more gauntlet to grind for more $$ to get more upgrades and gear... and/or i watched ‘GAMERS!’ i finished the series and i was not impressed. i think i’m going to take a break from anime right now. i’ll continue watching my series though haha. i got sleepy pretty quickly so i hit the bed at like 12:30 am. zzz.

10: hello, fourth day of pto at home! i enjoyed sleeping in today, but it got to the point where i just felt really crappy about myself. i’ve been feeling mentally tired about exercising. i think it’s because i’m not feeling any better and not seeing much of a difference after adding in free weights to my workout. i just laid in bed with very indecisive thoughts. it doesn’t help that for a while now, i wake up bloated af and/or with stomach pain. i feel like i have a cleaner diet now but i don’t know :/ i just feel like the choices that i’ve made haven’t really been what i want or need right now. i’m not entirely sure. i managed to get my butt out of bed and stop thinking about these things for now and pick up the new kobenstyle casserole post we bought from food52. it’s very sleek and the right size for what we need. :)

to get myself out of the whole exercising pinch, i’ve decided to work out less so it doesn’t become a stressor in my life. it’s been stressing me out even though i wouldn’t put it that way if you had asked me in person. i do schedule my life around working out right now and i think my sleep has suffered because of that and not knowing what i want to do with my spare time. so i’m just going to work out when i feel like it and for less than an hour each day. i’ve been trying to hit an hour or more each day and with the stress i’m feeling, it’s not going to work out. it’s a bit frustrating talking to other people about this because i don’t think they think i work out hard enough and/or think i’m wimping out and/or i’m not doing it right. well, at least that’s what i think. i may not be overtraining but i’m definitely doing something wrong if i’m feeling this way about exercising right now. anyway, i did some hip hop cardio and i realized that i love dancing as my cardio. doing hiit workouts is fun too but in moderation.

i felt better afterward. i showered and then drank my protein smoothie. i may have watched some anime and then kevin came home. i made rice and then i started reading ‘the rules of magic’, my book of the month, while waiting for the rice to cook. we microwaved leftover curry and ate that for dinner before hopping on steam and gaming with ryan and later on, terence! we played gauntlet and finally got past the level where we kept dying haha. we played until 11 pmish and then kevin washed dishes while i got ready for bed. kevin stayed up gaming and i think i went to sleep.

11: we woke up pretty late. i keep waking up at around 8 or 9 am and then falling back asleep because of pto or it’s the weekend. :P we ate scallion pancakes with egg for brunch while watching the new try guys’ video on baking bread without a recipe. the ending of that video is ridiculous. then we meal planned and went grocery shopping! we stopped by bj’s and got kevin’s parents ugly christmas sweaters and ofc groceries. then we went to kam man and i got some new pocky flavors! they both taste pretty good! then we stopped by roche to get a few more things like hot cheetos (kevin we craving them and then i was too T__T), burger buns, and i’m still looking for the dairy-free halo top but no dice. we got a lot of snacks for some reason... kevin was in a munchy mood. hmmm. our pantry is stocked for winter though haha. we got back home and put everything away. i ate some leftover pulled chicken and one of the buns for lunch. kevin went to game with friends so i continued reading ‘the rules of magic.’ after a bit, kevin came to game with me and we played some battleblock theater. we played only for a little bit because the levels are so hard now D: we also needed to prep for dinner.

kevin started making the stock and then we both headed over to the fitness center :) i did some hiit cardio w/ abs and he ran on the treadmill. it was nice working out together. we didn’t do the same things, but it was nice being with him while i worked out. we stretched together and then headed back and showered. right after, we finished cooking the korean rice cake soup, plated it, and watched the rest of episode 1 of game of thrones. kevin doesn’t really like it. it’s really slow he says. lol i agree. i made it through season 1 but rq’d right at the beginning of season 2. he didn’t even want to watch the next episode and we watched the greek olympiad try guys video instead hahaha. we cleaned up and then i think kevin went back to gaming while i continued reading my book until 1 or 2 am? then i hopped into bed and ko’d.

12: we got up at 12 pm and then started our very chill day. we ate the cinnamon raisin thomas english muffins we got from bj’s wholesale for breakfast. we did some morning reading together and i took some pictures of us, which turned out to be cute failures ahha. then kevin went to game while i finished reading ‘the rules of magic.’ it was a very nice book! :) i love alice hoffman’s writing. i took short breaks to get more water and to snack a bit. then kevin played something else on the tv via steam while i watched him. he started playing ‘don’t starve’ and it was lulz. i started cleaning while he played and then we cleaned the kitchen together and i vacuumed our bedroom before he took over vacuuming and swiffering the rest of the apartment. kevin started cooking dinner after while i watched some youtube videos while walking. i was sitting for a while today so i felt like i needed to do some walking. we ate dinner while watching a stream of ‘don’t starve’ and then we played some battleblock theater together. omg, level 6 is so hard, but we made it through! after digesting our food, kevin went to run and took the ipad with him so i stayed in the apartment and did some cardio dancing. i didn’t particularly like the video that i was doing... so it’ll be in my queue but i probably won’t do it again for a while.

i also did some cardio hip hop and focusing on keeping my core tight the whole time. i did a set of ab exercises and then called it a night. kevin was taking a pretty long time so after drinking my protein with cashew milk, i went outside and saw him walking back. he said he decided to do a longer run :P then we showered and i tried calling it a night except that i was on my phone until 1:40 am / when kevin went to bed. o___o” i really should not be on my phone when i get into bed. i need to build better habits nowadays. :/ i spent some time looking online for a gratitude journal. i might just take a break from tumblr and write in that instead. i feel like it’s become a task just documenting my days here. i need a little bit of a new perspective.

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