#i guess it could relieve stress to confide in them but its nothing they dont know of already

[sstorkk]

Constantly mentally flip flopping between 'I shouldn't share my personal thoughts and feelings because it will concern my friends and they're stressed enough as is' and 'yknow what screw that they worry me a bunch they can be a bit concerned too that I'm tired and sad'

[simluvbot]

School stresses (when jay comforts you when you’re stressed with school)

tags: fluff imagine, some(?) angst, boyfriend!jay, domestic au

member: bf jay x gn reader

words: 1,434 (mini headcanon and imagine)

request!: “could you do one for jay where his s/o is really stressed with school, and has a breakdown but he is there to comfort them? p.s i love your writing! ☺️”

a/n: i hate this 😭 btw!!! this includes mentions of a nervous breakdown/panic attack(?) with crying and im sorry if t i didnt portray this the most accurately ahh this is so messy sorry 😭😭

Looks up to you 100% yep yep

Looks up to you 100% yep yep

Looks up to you 100% yep yep

So whenever he sees that you’re struggling in school? he takes your emotions so seriously because he knows how hard you work for it and how difficult it is

):

Will pause whatever he’s doing so he can sit in front of you and hold your hand and simply just listen to you rant, even if it takes hours

HIS SHOULDER IS ALWAYS AVAILABLE FOR YOU TO CRY ON

According to the members he is good at massages so yes you bet he will give you a massage to help you relax as a break

Does so of course after telling you that things will be okay, that you’re smart, that you know the information well and he believes in you

Very supportive of you in your studies!

Just wants to make you feel better and relieved asap

is the type of boyfriend that will reassure you and give you realistic solutions to your problems, so you always end up feeling a lot better and confident after talking to him!

will lay with you on your bed for hours when you need to relax, letting u lay on his chest as he rubs soothing circles on ur skin (:

The ticking of the clock in your bedroom room seeks to get more annoying the longer time passes.

School is stressful, is and always has been. But with the amount of anxiousness you’ve experienced in the last few hours and days due to all the work you have to do - you’ve started to question whether you’re really capable enough to do this.

Heaving a breath, you sit back in your chair, curling up into a ball as you stare through glazed eyes at the work on your desk.

You clench your fists, eyeing your papers and various textbooks that you’re having difficulty comprehending. Your laptop with your unfinished assignment sits on top of it all.

Is it worth it? Are you smart enough?

Frustration courses through you at simply staring at one of the pieces of work you’ve been given to complete. You don’t want to do it. You can’t. It’s too much.

Maybe you should just-

“Y/n?”

Jumping at the sound of your name being called, you look back at jay who stands in your doorframe.

He holds the bottle of water he had left your bedroom for, and for a second you stare dumbly as your brain stutters for a second in remembering this fact.

“O-oh, jay!” You say a bit too eagerly, an unsure smile on your lips as you clear your throat and blink your eyes. “Got your water?”

“What’s wrong?”

You blink. You’re always surprised by his bluntness.

Laughing lightly, you shake your head, thoughts running at a million miles an hour and brain seeming to pulse with the various number of things that are indeed wrong to you.

“Nothing.” You say breezily, shoulders tense as you look back at your desk once again, the empty page on your laptop screen seeming to taunt you. “I just..”

Jay doesn’t look convinced, a concerned expression now on his face as he walks closer towards you.

Heat rushes to your cheeks inexplicably, and you glance back at your work on the desk, and then up to your Calendar on the wall.

“It’s just.. just..”

You let out a breath, and you don’t even have to finish your sentence. Because it’s enough for you to break.

Turning away sharply from your desk and from jay, you cover your face with your hands as you feel the stress of the past week reach it’s tipping point inside of you.

“Y/n.”

Jay’s hugging you in an instant; strong arms holding you tight against his chest, pulling you in gently without hesitation.

“School is just so much. Too much. I don’t know if I can handle it.” You heave, chest constricting as you breakdown, hot tears streaming down your cheeks as you feel your face flush in embarrassment. 

“Hey hey hey, its okay.” you hear jay say distantly, followed by the soft thud of him dropping his water bottle somewhere, and you can only blink numbly as you try to dumbly process how quickly everything is happening -  from him taking your hand in his and leading you to sit on your bed to him wiping away your tears softly with his calloused fingertips, large palms holding your face gently in his.

“Breathe, okay? you can do that for me?” 

Blinking through your blurry vision, you nod as jay’s face slowly start to focus through your tears, heart thudding in your chest and adrenaline coursing through your veins as you start to follow along with your boyfriend’s lead.

“In, out. In and out y/n.”

You hear the concern in his voice, his expression clouded with worry as his thumb gently rubs your cheek, hushing you quietly and breathing deeply with you as you try to get your shallow breathing to slow down.

“Jongseong.” you mumble, feeling flustered as you break the eye contact at how quickly everything seemed to escalate. You were just sitting at your desk stressing about school a second ago and in what felt like in only a blink, youre in your boyfriend’s arms; safe.

The black-haired boy simply shakes his head, softly telling you to focus on breathing.

You’re unsure if you’ve ever seen jay so serious when it’s concerning you before, all jokes and lightheartedness leaving for this moment. It takes a few more minutes before your heart rate has slowed and the jelliness you feel in your limbs has left, and soon you’re feeling a lot calmer.

“Are you feeling better?” Jongseong asks, standing up away form you briefly to collect the water that was initially for him, handing it to you instead once opening the lid.

You nod as you take it gratefully and you gulp down the water. “yeah.”

Taking your hand in his, he sits down further back on your bed, guiding you so you’re sitting in front of him between his legs.

“So?” he says patiently, not at all imposing in his tone as he moves you hair away from your neck, sweeping it over your shoulder.

When you give him permission to touch you, you heave a breath at the feeling of his hand on your shoulders; palms pressing down smoothly and expertly soothing your tense muscles.

“I’ve just been really stressed i guess.” You say quietly after a comfortable silence, fiddling with your fingers and closing your eyes as you feel your fatigue drift away with the work of his hands, calmness settling over.

“Schools been piling up, and i just have a lot to do.” You murmur. “I dont know. I have a lot to study so I’ve just been feeling pretty overwhelmed.” 

Jay hums and you close your eyes, letting yourself relax into his  touch as he massages you without word.

“School does put a lot of pressure.” he says thoughtfully, and you feel him nodding behind you. “But I’m sure you’re going to do well, y/n. Don’t worry too much. You’re only going to stress yourself out even more.”

He turns you around gently, and your widened eyes meet his concerned ones. “Have you been taking rests when you study during the day, love?” Jay asks, and you feel butterflies in your stomach at the nickname.

“..yeah.” You say hesitantly, leaning in towards your boyfriend and his soft chest.

“Yeah..?” Jay drawls out with a chuckle, kissing your forehead. “Yah, you should y/n.  Don’t burn yourself out. Your health is just as important as school is. You’re going to ace it, okay?”

Pausing, he makes you look at him and repeat the words, “I’m going to ace it.”

“I’m going to ace it.” You say after him with a chuckle, rolling your eyes at your boyfriend’s insistent behaviour.

Jay smiles softly. “Give me your flashcards later if you have any so i can help you revise the, later, okay?”

You nod, smiling as you kiss his neck, wrapping your arms tightly against his chest.

“Okay.” You say fuzzily, enjoying the small circles he rubs into your side. “Thank you.”

Jay hums, leaning back so youre lying on top of him, his soft round eyes meeting yours, hand stroking your cheek softly.

“I love you, y/n. Please don’t hold in your stress anymore.”

[harley-style]

DREAM SMP Swap AU

Dream = Wilbur : Dream comes into the server to help these two kids who are trying to stir shit up -- why not, right? He's got a fondness for chaos but also very protective and caring over his friends. VERY FOND OF TUBBO. To the point of.. well, brotherhood. Wilbur = Dream : He had a vision, to create a place where people could emancipate -- he's not above being the bad guy to keep that ideal in place. He's charming and self-confident and isn't afraid to use blackmail or get all up in your business. Has dirt on everyone but Dream. Constantly threatens secrets but subtle, yanno? Again, very charming, very persuasive.

Tubbo = Tommy : Still very sweet, but Big Crime often comes out to play more often than not. Also a huge trouble magnet, tried to start a...Honey smuggling empire? For some fucking reason, despite its innocent sounding plan, is a threat to Wilbur's land but no one has any idea why. Tommy = Tubbo : Tommy has an innate fucking fixation on music discs. He's got Cat and Mellohi personally. He dreams of starting up a music cafe/music area...? He and Dream get along swimmingly, Dream actually gifts Tommy a few music discs too, but also pins Tommy with the name discount Dave Strider.

Fundy = Eret : Was convinced earlier on by Wilbur to continue his 'legacy' and ideals. Fundy further grows into a neutral party, doing things only when it benefits him. Is the traitor from the first war. Eret = Fundy : Gets far too involved with stuff and the only way out is if he wiggles through the restraints on him. Yes that's metaphorical.

JSchlatt = Technoblade : Assists through uses of contracts and business deals. Like, hello, Tubbo's Honey smuggling business? He and Dream make an agreement, he supplies Dream and Tubbo with shit, and Dream does favors for Schlatt. Technoblade = Jschlatt : Anarchy lmfao. Was actually brought on by Wilbur in secret. Acted as a benefactor for Dream before turning around and causing chaos in the land Dream Tubbo and Tommy built. Blood for the blood god, only the strongest gets to the top kind of government. There's always fucking pitfights. Oops.

Philza = Callahan : Largely uninvolved in the events, mostly just there to supervise Wilbur, Tommy and Techno. Duh. Callahan = Philza : Has personal history with Dream, tries to convince him not to do the thing that could hurt everyone else. Minimally succeeds.

Alyssa = Niki : Ready to defend her home and her family. Niki = Alyssa : Neutral, but ready to back Wilbur up if need be.

Sapnap = Bad : Arsonist, goes around and burns shit whenever he wants to. His base is a Nether inspired fortress. Also, he has to deal with a Nether problem in reference to the Red Vine problem from the original SMP. Hotlands? LMFAO Bad = Sapnap : Helps when asked. Started out on Wilbur's side, as a favor, but slowly shifts neutral due to the conflict between factions.

Karl = Skeppy : Gets held hostage? That's what preoccupies Sapnap's time. He suddenly disappeears or gets trapped in a cell. Skeppy = Karl : Runs around doing supply runs. Gets his friends into various stints to try and settle the conflict through friendly rivalry and competition. It doesn't always work.

George = Ranboo : Unlike original Ranboo, George is highly unsympathetic and needs concrete fucking facts before he acts, and that kind of backfires on him in the end. As a favor to Dream (how many favors is Dream involved in honestly) he runs messages back and forth from Tubbo to Tommy. Ranboo = George : Largely uninvolved in the conflict, like Niki, but unlike OG George, is not absent. He's just there to assist. One of the most innocent and purest people on the SMP, knows when to keep his head down. When his house burns down, he doesn't really believe its Tubbo who did it -- he knows the kid has been framed because he'd been WITH him at the time, but Wilbur pressures him to admit it.

Quackity = Punz : Wilbur's loyal paid henchman. Quackity will cause shit for the appropriate price, he's not exceptionally picky. That stunt he did as Mexican Dream was great and everyone in L'Manberg loved it. Punz = Quackity : One of the best fighters under Techno. Has more morals, but keeps them secretly. Very good at hiding his true intentions/feelings.

(sorry about the other characters not being on here, i dont know them enough to make swaps, or dont know who they'd make a good swap with. Swap who you wanna swap though! i'd like to hear your take on this matter! HEADCANONS ACCEPTED TOO AT THIS POINT EVERYTHING HERE IS FROM WHAT I REMEMBER AND MY HEADCANONS)

PLOT

-Wilbur starts the SMP with Niki, slowly invites others like Ranboo, Tommy, and Tubbo.

-Tubbo expresses a desire to Fuck Shit Up and Tommy says they can get Dream, he's an expert at getting away.

-Dream is extremely protective of them both. Tubbo more than Tommy but that's fine because Tommy is largely independent.

-Tubbo gets in the weirdest shit but Tommy can roll with the punches really quickly.

-Wilbur gets tired of their crap and burns down Tubbo's establishment. It's like the Disc Wars except it's the Great Honey War. Bee War? Basically he's tired of Tubbo hogging all the Honey related expenditures.

-Dream gets the idea to make a honey smuggling empire, as a joke, but Tubbo is Big Crime and he's going with it. Tommy just wants chaos, and he was getting bored tbh.

-Eventually the Honey thing turns into Resource management, so Tubbo Dream and Tommy have a hold on all major supplies

-Shit happens and Dream, Tubbo, Tommy, Eret, Sam, Fundy and Alyssa establish an independent nation. Dunno what to call it bc the server is called the L'manberg SMP so....

-The fight for indepencence still happens. Instead of 'Green boy' Wilbur is named 'E-boy'. Dream still says "WE HAVE NO MERCY FOR YOU" when Wil calls for a ceasefire negotiation, but Wilbur does threaten the nation saying  "If there is no white flag by tomorrow, then you can kiss your sorry little arses good bye. That's my final warning."

-Turns out Fundy's been secretly funneling information to Wilbur in exchange for the safety of his friends, and also because Wilbur's his dad....uhm. Also! He and Dream are circling each other and others are like "OH MY GOD YOU GUYS ARE DEAD RINGERS FOR QUEERPLATONIC MATES JUST MARRY ALREADY" bc I like FundyWasTaken but others might not and its okay, we'll label it as platonic, but can be read otherwise depending on your tastes. But for this, it's very close platonic.

-Wilbur goads Tommy into a fight, as brothers do, but Tubbo steps in and Wilbur fucking jumps at the chance.

-This is the start of Dream's descent into madness. No one fucking threatens or pulls one of his friends like that. Denied. It's still subtle though, so he's okay for now.

-Tubbo and Wilbur face off. When Tubbo pulls back bc he genuinely doesn't want to hurt anyone, Wilbur takes the chance and beats him.

-Tubbo, however, makes a deal. Let their nation stand on its own, and he'll give up the Resource Empire he started. Wilbur accepts, with the condition that they unify their alliance with a...marriage? So basically, political marriage between Wilbur's heir, Fundy, and Dream, the leader of the revolution.

-YEAH I WENT THERE THIS IS VALID

-They're strained at first, but Dream and Fundy slowly mend their relationship post-betrayal.

-Fast forward a few months later. The Nation doesn't really have a leader, as per the agreement, but it does have a representative. All decisions are made via majority votes, and that decision is voiced by the rep and sub-rep, Dream and Tubbo respectively. Tommy's just there to have a good time and causes chaos as per usual.

-Enter Technoblade. He's been called in by Wilbur to...ah. Dismantle a little...nation. Sounds right up his alley. But he asks Wilbur to wait and see what happens.

-Tommy and Dream get the idea to hold a tournament to celebrate their independence, an all out brawl for everyone to kick back and relieve stress. There. That's where Techno comes in.

-He gets Punz to join him after like, being paid (ofc) and they fucking dominate the tournament. Dream's about to congratulate them but Techno turns the fuck around and declares his right to rule the nation. If anyone wants to fight him for the title, they're welcome to try.

-Dream loses another life to Techno trying and failing to fight it. He and a few others lost their first life sometime elsewhere? I guess? Probably by being blown up by Wilbur, idk.

-Tubbo and Dream are chased out by people who reluctantly follow Techno's orders, and Tommy, torn between his friends and his brothers, stays behind. Oh jeezus.

-Since Techno is a fighting GOD, no one's able to usurp him to make things turn back to normal. But Dream is smart, and knows Wilbur's 100% behind this. Fundy kind of knew but didn't do shit about it, which is why Dream rejects Fundy's offer of sanctuary. He can't be sure his husband will stay on his side, after all. It's nothing personal.

-Dream and Tubbo hide away somewhere, probably not a ravine but?? A mountain or something? They manage to get Sam away enough to ask him to build a super cool Redstone contraption thing that opens for them. ooooo.

-I'm not good at names but for the sake of jokes I'm gonna call their land the 'Bee's Knees' bc at some point Tubbo finds a fuckton of Hives hanging from Trees. Bee Mountain if Dream's feeling especially salty.

-SPEAKING OF DREAM. his insanity is on course now, it's slowly eating away at him and in fear of hurting Tubbo he's slowly distancing himself away. Tubbo's like what's wrong but Dream can't answer -- he doesn't know what's wrong with himself either.

-Tubbo and Dream need to go back and confront Techno, but they can't wait for long else Techno's going to obliterate everyone and their extra lives. They call Schlatt in.

-Schlatt's a pure business man and draws up a contract. He'll aid them in terms of supplies, but most of the revolution is on them. They agree.

-Tommy is actually really fucking good at lying and skirting around what he reveals to Dream and tubbo as a spy that Techno would have believed him if he didnt' know his brother. and Wilbur's warnings, of course. That results in Techno just being fucking done with Tommy's bullshit and plans his execution in another tournament? I guess?

-It doesn't go like the festival. First of all, Schlatt can't fight for shit, so why would Techno call him up the stage? No, Schlatt fights dirty. techno doesn't set much rules so theres no rule against poisoning Tommy quick and easy before the fight. Tommy loses another life and is on his last. Tubbo is spitting mad, but Schlatt points out that nothing in the contract covered this, so he's free to do as necessary. Tubbo is stopped by Dream who, at this point, is just overtaken by the need to one-up Techno.

-Also, Wilbur's been slowly persuading Dream to just. Let go. Let the monster inside of him free, he 'deserves it'. By the end of it all, Dream does. He snaps and lets loose the monster crying for blood inside him.

-Callahan is left to convince his old friend not to do it. In a moment of clarity, Dream stares on in horror of what he'd done. In his rage he managed to deplete ALL of Techno's lives (not really but shhhh), cause massive bloodshed, and terrified everyone in the process. He asks Callahan to kill him. Callahan does.

-Yes we'll get to Ghost Dream eventually.

-Anyway, Schlatt still does the Wither plan, because, uh, Drunken Rage. He was so stressed out from the ensuing conflict that he's like "LETS JUST FINISH THE REST OF YOU. THERE WILL BE NO CONFLICT IF YOU ARENT THERE TO FIGHT."

-and then he uses the line from the Lego movie on Tubbo like "Oh, Tubbster. It's nothing personal. It's just Business(tm)".

-Schlatt still dies of stroke. He does come back as a ghost though, that's one main difference.

-After everything's said and done, and the dust has settled, everyone decides to disband the nation, and just live their lives. like, they're done, wilbur, they get your point, jfc, let them rest.

-but uhhhh someone frames tubbo for setting fire to ranboo's (the server sweetheart) house. wilbur immediately decides to exile tubbo in 'anger'. acutally, he wants tommy and tubbo separated.

-tommy's not standing for it though, he fucking fights his way until wilbur threatens him and tubbo's like YES FINE OKAY I'LL AGREE TO BEING EXILED STOP THREATENING YOUR BROTHER

-tubbo's exile arc is not as sad as tommy's, but rather very tense because wilbur keeps riling tubbo up and taunting him. he still keeps contact with tommy though because they arent going to be separated just like that. no way. tubbo just gets a little more mad and gets short tempered like a lot.

-ranboo's not even that mad about it, he knows tubbo would never burn his house, there was a conspiracy on board and even if there wasn't he's like "arent yall overreacting its just a house, didnt you all do this like before the first war even began, what even (also, ranboo was WITH tubbo at the time of his house allegedly being set on fire. Not that he'll admit to it, because he and tubbo made that agreement long before)

-eventually he finds out that wilbur just wanted to pin the blame on tubbo to make him leave, and ranboo's like "IM DONE WITH YOUR CRAP WILLBUR STOP HURTING THE PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT" and leaves

-with the nation gone, people started to solidify their groups. sapnap and karl deal with their own thing, quackity still runs errands for wilbur, george is the main person ferrying messages from tubbo to tommy back and forth, etc.

-there's a funeral for dream, ofc, fundy arranged it. all of dream's shit was hidden because fundy doesnt want wilbur to get it.

-niki's still there managing her bakeshop but doubles as an informant for wilbur because she's well liked within the server

-ghost dream is present and he's a chaotic troll who mostly hangs around tommy. he's really hyper active and is always on the move, you can never catch him sitting still for like, 5 minutes

THAT"S ALL I HAVE FOR MY SMP SWAP AU PLEASE BE GENTLE I DONT HAVE TIME TO GET ALL THE FACTS STRAIGHT FROM THE OG SMP qwq

[queenattheopera]

Opening Number, Part 5

Prompt: This is the story of the band that skyrocketed beside Queen and how their singer was fated to be with one of them.

Warning: Cussing and implied smut

If you want to catch up with previous parts they’re linked on my Masterlist in my bio

January 1, 1971

If it weren’t for the enticing smell of food I don’t think I would’ve considered leaving my bed. Sitting up I could feel my head pounding. I grimsed and closed my eyes. I refused to move for a few seconds. I could feel the intense pounding in the back of my head, it me a few deep breaths to find some relief but i knew that wasn't going to last. So I tried to redirect my attention to recalling what happened last night.

I took some shots, danced with Fred, and then I made out with someone. I couldn't seem to remember who it was but I remember how their hands felt as they roamed my body. I remember their lips exploring just as much as their hands did. I remember the smell of alcohol in their breath and how intoxicating their scent was. I sighed and opened my eyes. The noise in the kitchen hadn't stopped but I was too nervous to see who was causing it.

Who do i want it to be?

As I pushed myself off my mattress, I was met with nothing but cold air. I pulled the comforter off the bed and wrapped myself with it. As I'm tried taking the first few steps away from the bed frame I began to limp. Sore could barely describe how my legs felt. As I try to move further the blanket gets caught on something, not caring enough to find out I decide to yank it. I heard something fall but it didn't sound broken so I continued to make my way towards the mysterious figure in my home. The closer I got the more anxious I became. I could feel my heart begin to race. As it sped up more and more, it was all I could hear. I was about to turn into the kitchen when they stepped out.

I froze and forced myself to make eye contact with the them.

“...Noah?”

“I was wondering when you would get out of bed.” My stomach dropped. I don't think i slept with him, right? Not that he's not attractive, but he's my best friend. “Are you okay? You left really early last night, I mean I don't think you got any sleep going from the bags under your eyes.” I don't want to look at him because I felt beyond embarrassed but I need to know what happened last night.

“Wait so we didn't..?” He was silent for a few seconds before beginning to laugh, “Wow you must have been fucked up if you really thought that we would ever do anything.I mean no offense-” Before he could finish I punch his shoulder. “Shut up!” I feel my face growing warmer but I was relieved that he wasn’t the open who I had slept with.

“What the hell are you doing here anyway?” He walks towards the dining room but I don't make any move to follow him. “Cmon, at least take a look to see what I did.” Rolling my eyes I begin to make my way over while trying to hide the extremely obvious limp with the comforter. I'm sure he noticed after he snorted but he didn't say anything.

“Ta-da! I made you a birthday breakfast!” Seeing the table setup my eyes begin to water. He had made all my favorite foods and there were even a few gifts in the corner of my room. I looked at him and he had the biggest proudest smile plastered on his face. He was admiring his work but his smile disappeared when he saw that I began to cry.

“What happened? Did I do something wrong? I mean I know it's just me but I remember you told me not to tell anyone else and that you usually celebrate alone. I just thought you would like this.” I laughed at his rambling and wiped the tears away.

“It’s fine Noah, It's actually perfect, I just haven't really had a party or anything since my parents passed away. I- um Thank you..” His demeanor changed, and instead of getting a look of pity, he smiles and gives me a hug. “Why don't you go clean up and get dressed so we could eat and you could open your gifts okay?” I nod and go back to my room.

Walking back towards my room I see a puddle, I guess when the blanket got stuck I had knock over a glass of water resting on my nightstand. Bending down to pick up the glass I find a piece of paper under my bed.

Sorry I couldn't stay love. Let me make it up to you. I’ll pick you up tonight around 9. -hbsdcbaib I reread the paper a few times, then I just stared at the smug as I tried to decipher whose name was written.

I want to scream. I feel nothing but anger towards myself. If I hadn't spilled that water on the note than I would have known exactly who the I slept with last night. Instead my lover is faceless.

There was nothing I could do but wait. I grab some clothes and head towards the bathroom. Before I entered, I let the blanket fall than close the door. I standing in front of the mirror I take in every detail. My eyes look much worse than to what Noah had led me to believe. Then there was my neck and chest. I was covered in bite marks and hickies. When I turned to step into the bath tub I could feel some tenderness in my hips. Looking down I see bruises, resembling someone's hands. When looking at my legs, I’m met with two more hickies.

Ignoring the achiness I take a hot shower. As I'm standing there I think back to last night. I remember the passion and roughness that my counterpart used. When he had me against the wall or when his head was between my legs. He was confident with very move. He worshiped my body. Together we fit like puzzle pieces. I could feel the heat between my legs begin to intensify. I push it away and finish my shower. After I'm dressed I look into the mirror. I know Noah has seen most the marks on my neck but I still had the urge to cover them. I grabbed some makeup and covered most of them. The others were too dark to hide so I grabbed a turtle neck from my closest and changed. Satisfied with eth look I walked back toward the dining room.

“Finally, do you know how hard it was to have all this food but not to be able to eat any of it.” I laugh and sit down across from him. I don't say anything as I grab a fork and stab the food in the plate. None of it ever makes it into my mouth a dn instead just gets moved around. I could feel Noah's concerned gaze on me but neither of say anything. He comes around the table and bends down to my height.

“Did something happen? If something did you don't have to tell me, but just know that I'm here for you. And if it was one of the guys, I swear I'll kill them.” I smile and roll my eyes. “No you won't, you'll have Em do it.” He laughs but he still looks worried. I sighed, i think back to last night. “I was um, um I was almost attacked last night.” I can't bring myself to look up at him, I was embarrassed, blaming myself for what could’ve happen.

“Who?” I look at him and i'm surprised by how intense his gaze his. A few tears slip out, my anxiety and stress had finally taken hold of the wheel. “Don’t worry about it, Im fine, it was nothing. Its what happened after. Roger saved me. Then Brian and John comforted me. Then i slept with someone and I don't even know how. They left a fucking note that I ruined so now I have no idea who it was from. I’m confused and I don't know what to do and my head hurts and -” I couldn't finish my sentence because I began to cry. Well I was actually sobbing. This only increased the pain I was feeling and it made me feel weak and powerless.

Noah holds me and doesn't say anything. He pulls away when I had started to calm down. “Its okay, it's going to be okay. Let's figure this out. You should eat, I'm going to call the gang and Freddie.”

After sitting there for a minute or two began to eat. I don't have much of an appetite but I forced myself to eat and drink a glass of water. When Noah came back he cleaned up and began to hide the gifts. I silently thanked him for still considering how I felt about my birthday. Just as we had finished cleaning up there was a knock at the door. It must have been Fred because everyone else had a key.

I walked towards the order. I was happy when I noticed that i could walk normally despite the ache. When I opened the door the first thing Freddie did was gasp. “Oh you poor thing! Come here love.” Freddie pulled me into a hug. I guess the crying made my makeup run and that's why he gasped. He didn’t say anything. All he did was shush me an rub my back. It was actually really comforting. When I pulled away freddie began to fix my hair. I smiled softly before taking his hand off my hair. I led him inside. “Thanks for coming Freddie, I'm sorry if you were busy, we shouldn't have called.” I didn't want to be another and I wasn't feeling my best. Frankly I didn't have the energy to be my usually bubbly self. “Nonsense darling, I'll always be here for you.” He rubs my shoulder and gives me the biggest smile.

“Alright love, since we dont know whos coming to pick you up, let's get you dolled up.”

“Lets get her comfortable first, Y/n, we know youre probably aren't feeling up to anything right now so here's what we're gonna do. You're going to take some pain medication, take a nap then we'll get you ready okay.” Emily had let herself in and was beginning to take charge. Usually Fred and her would annoy each other but after their silent communication Freddie turned to me and smiled. “She's right love, get some rest.” I looked between the too and nodded. Once I was in my room I began to run last night over and over again. I felt stupid, I got drunk last night for a reason, now I'll have to live with the haunting my actions for the rest of my life.

“Hey y/n, Em told me to give this to you.” Charlie handed me the medicine and sat at the foot of my bed. “I know how you are. I know you're blaming yourself right now but I also know that it's not. You're okay. We're here for you.” I took the pills and nodded. “Thank you.”

In the next few hours while I slept, my house guests cleaned and prepared everything for me. They had set aside an outfit they knew I would like and they spoke about how they would help me feel better.

When I woke up my headache was alleviated and I felt more nervous than ever. I stood up to find an outfit set hanging on my closet door. I put it on and reapplied my make-up. When i walked out of my bedroom I found the gang in my living room playing scrabble.

“Y/n you're up!” I walk to them and Noah gets up and offers me his spot. He then walks away. I turn to the others looking for soe response as to what they're doing.

“It's your turn.” When i look u at them, i realize they are speaking to me. I make a calculated move. Noah comes back with some tea. They don't bring up anything from yesterday and instead play a friendly game of scrabble. Their passive actions put me at ease. I became so focused on the game I forgot about yesterday. It was what Emilly planed. They distracted me, they took my focus away from all the bad and gave me a moment of peace.

Before I knew it, t was 8:50. “Alright y/n, your dates gonna get be here but were going to be in the bedroom. They’ll be here soon. I know you're going to be nervous, but if you ever feel uncomfortable, just know we're here for you.” “Yes darling, and if any of the boys do anything, then ill kick their arses. You know I was pretty good boxer.” I smile and nod. “Thank you, I mean in.” I pull Em and Fred into hug. Charlie and Noah don't hesitate to join. I watch as they walk into the bedroom and close the door. I take deep breaths but I could feel myself getting nervous all over again. I'll admit it's not as bad as before but I was still really anxious. I was spacing in the living room while trying to relax.

I jumped when I heard a knock at the door. I was frozen and I stopped breathing for a second. When they knocked again I let out my the breath I was holding in. I moved cautiously towards the door. I unlocked the door and put my hand on the doorknob. Here goes nothing.

Tag list: @smile-nine @phantom-fangirl-stuff @fantasticchaoticwho @cosmicsskies @triggeredpossum

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[themuller13]

We are in a pokey costumier’s workshop somewhere in the bowels of the Almeida theatre in Islington in north London. It’s not much more than a broom cupboard really, and Ben Whishaw sits on a stool amid the clothes and faceless Styrofoam wig-stands sipping a cup of tea. He seems happy.

All actors — particularly once they become successful — like to go on about how much they just love doing theatre. With Whishaw this is genuinely, honestly true. Ever since he arrived, fully formed, as Trevor Nunn’s Hamlet aged only 23, he has continued to return to the stage even as his screen career has blossomed. It’s almost impossible for him to do TV without being at least nominated for some award — Criminal Justice, The Hour, London Spy — and his film roles are as varied as they are acclaimed: John Keats in Bright Star, Keith Richards in Stoned and supporting turns in Suffragette and The Danish Girl. There are also his regular gigs as Q to Daniel Craig’s James Bond and, of course, the voice of Paddington Bear. Yet for all that here he is, backstage and back in rehearsals, drifting contentedly through the organised chaos of theatre company life.

“I love that about doing plays,” he says softly. “I love being part of a group of people, part of a troupe. It suits me. There’s no etiquette. It’s a profession that is really accepting of everyone’s oddities.” He smiles. “All sorts of people are actors.”

What sort of person is Whishaw? This has not always been an easy question to answer. Over the years a composite image has emerged of a fierce talent who is nevertheless guarded, opaque and fragile. His appearance (skinny, elfin) and manner (gentle, modest) add to this perception. Only, he explains, we’ve got the wrong idea. “Sometimes I get really annoyed because people think I’m going to be cute. And nice. And I’m not very nice sometimes. And I’m not very cute really,” he says, frowning in a way that, to be honest, is quite cute. “There’s this notion that I might be sensitive and shy. Which is partly true. But I can be grumpy and angry and irritable.”

He chuckles and drinks his tea. Still, it’s only fair to point out that these preconceptions about Whishaw are not totally unfounded. Now 36 years old, he says that during his twenties he struggled badly with performance anxiety. “I suffered a lot of awful, terrible nerves and stomach pains,” he says. “Really debilitating things. You realise that other people are dependent on you doing well. Money. All sorts of things become part of the equation. I remember not sleeping because I was so stressed.”

For a very long time he was by his own admission anxious about submitting himself to scrutiny. We knew he grew up in Hertfordshire, went to Rada and has a non-identical twin brother who doesn’t act? Beyond that? Not loads. Talking about himself is still not his favourite thing in the world. “I find interviews quite nerve- racking,” he says apologetically, but explains that he’s trying harder to not get stressed about them or to second- guess what people might make of him. He stops and regards me with what looks a lot like sympathy. “I understand,” he says. “It’s the pressure of your job to capture an essence of somebody, which I suppose is very difficult.”

He thinks he used to use his reputation for shyness as a defence mechanism. “Maybe you can end up playing a role or something?” he says. “Behaving in a certain way because you think people are going to expect that of you. And it becomes a place that’s quite comfortable because you’ve been there before. So you just trot it out again.”

One big change — perhaps the big change — came in the wake of Whishaw coming out as gay in 2011. “I definitely feel like I’m more relaxed as a person,” he says. “I don’t know if that makes you a better actor or more available or anything, but it’s certainly lovely not to have to be worrying about keeping something private. That’s a really, really good feeling. It makes me realise that I spent a long time — too long, really — in a private agony about something. About it.”

So that’s good. He’s also “become really obsessed with this amazing Buddhist nun who teaches meditation practice that is all about acceptance of whatever comes up. About being OK with things being uncomfortable.” This has also helped him to become more sanguine. “You see yourself. Your own mad thoughts, your repetitive thoughts and your own blind spots. It’s very easy to think that everyone else is nuts and you’re sane, but you’re really not,” he says cheerfully.

Madness, as it happens, permeates the play he is about to appear in. Against, by Christopher Shinn, is about a Silicon Valley tech magnate called Luke who believes he is in communication with God, who has given him the task of ending all violence on Earth. It’s a powerful work — occasionally frightening and certainly not the satire it could be — with this well-meaning but eerily detached protagonist at its centre.

“He is vaguely modelled on someone like Elon Musk or Mark Zuckerberg or Jeff Bezos, and he’s involved in AI and rockets and thinking about the future. But before the play begins he has had this revelation and God has spoken to him and issued an instruction to him to ‘go where there is violence’. So we meet someone at the beginning of the play who is a changed man.”

Whishaw says that, to prepare for the role of Luke, he spent a lot of time on YouTube. “I did begin by watching a lot of TED Talks, people being interviewed, Elon Musk showing people around his factory. And actually, in that sense, it feels very much a play of the moment because there are so many of these people talking about mankind with a messianic, visionary zeal. But the biggest challenge is trying to understand what it feels like to really, truly believe you have been spoken to by God. That’s the thing. That’s the centre of it.”

Whishaw admits what most actors don’t: that he’s competitive when it comes to his career and getting the roles he wants. “I’m definitely competitive, yeah. And I definitely want things for myself. Yeah. Definitely. And I think that’s good.” Has he ever gone up for parts and missed out on them, and felt angry about it? Pissed off? “There are one or two things,” he says a little airily, smiling to himself. “One or two things where I’ve thought . . . I could have done that. I should have done that.”

For a long time he was down to play Freddie Mercury in a forthcoming biopic. The Queen guitarist, Brian May, had said that he hoped Whishaw would get the role, because “he’s fabulous, a real actor”, but that’s fallen through, Whishaw says. He was up for it, but he says there’s no hard feelings. “I don’t really understand what happened myself, but just one day I wasn’t doing it. And somebody else was. And it’s fine. It was just one of those funny things that happen sometimes in the way that films get made.”

Whishaw will be back in the theatre in the new year when he plays Brutus in Julius Caesar, one of the eagerly awaited productions in the first season of Nicholas Hytner’s new London start-up venue, the Bridge Theatre. He has also just finished filming Mary Poppins Returns, a sequel to the classic 1964 musical in which he plays a grown-up Michael Banks. The film is released at the end of next year. “I sing in it,” he says, but then backpedals slightly. “Well, it’s more like talking-singing. It’s Emily Blunt playing Mary Poppins and my sister, Jane, is played by Emily Mortimer. It was wonderful fun.” In fact, he says that doing these big Hollywood numbers are invariably a laugh. “I don’t think a job is more noble or valuable for not being fun. Although I think I used to.”

Playing Michael Banks was a particular pleasure given that Mary Poppins was the first film he saw. “My dad taped it off the telly. I watched it in the way that my niece and nephew watch Frozen. Over and over and over again.”

In 2012 Whishaw entered into a civil partnership with the Australian composer Mark Bradshaw. They met during the filming of Bright Star and live together in east London. “We’re quite weird. Music relaxes me, but it doesn’t relax Mark because it’s Mark’s thing,” he says, meaning that the last thing Bradshaw wants at the end of a long day of listening to music is to listen to more music. “So we always have a tussle about when I can play my music. He’ll hate me for saying that.”

Bradshaw produced the score for the latest season of Top of the Lake, the crime drama featuring Elisabeth Moss. Whishaw says that he recently gorged on it. “I just watched the whole thing in one day and what Elisabeth Moss did in it was really inspiring to me. I thought: ‘F***! That’s reminded me why this job is such a great thing to do.’ ” Was the music any good? He nods with faux-solemnity. “The music was good as well.”

Someone knocks on the door to say it’s time to go back to rehearsals. Whishaw seems slightly relieved, but he’s trying his best. “In the past I might have been very defensive about a whole load of things. And I’m telling myself not to be that,” he says. He’s still shy and sensitive and all the rest of it, but nothing like he used to be. “I’m probably a little bit more confident in myself. A bit more relaxed in myself. More relaxed in my own body.” He is, despite his protestations, every bit as cute and as nice as we imagine. He’s also a brilliant actor. All said, there are worse things to be. Against is at the Almeida, London N1 (020 7359 4404), to September 30

[theprincessserenity]

I love you all

I’m kind of new to Tumblr. I thought it would be a good Idea to catalog everything that happened at RTX and my life changing experience at the 2nd RWBY Panel. My name is Serenity, Serena for short. And I had the greatest day when the people I idolized and admired gave me a hug after I told them my story...and what followed after will be with me for the rest of my life. I love you guys...if its TLDR just skip to Day 3.

Day 1

This was the hardest day for me, I have some pretty bad social anxiety to the point its hard for me to go grocery shopping alone. So being among a bunch of strangers and I mean tons of strangers was pretty terrifying. The lines were agonizing, we waited for almost 3 hours to get into the expo hall. I made small chat when I could with a girl next to me who was dressed as a baseball player and a girl who had purple hair who is a Yang cosplayer named Lydia. I stuck to my room mate and his friends like I was their shadow cause I didnt want to get left alone. They knew how important it was for me, I wanted to meet Arryn and Barbara and tell them how much they mean to me and how much the characters they play mean to me. I met a friend I made on facebook who was cosplaying as Ruby (She is so cute). I got a few compliments cause I was wearing my “Bitches love Canons” T-shirt. My room mate suddenly grabbed me and pointed to the side and there basically all alone and walking through the Expo was Lindsay. I bee lined towards her, and no one was around and I just went. “A-Are you who I think you are?” And she said “Yep!” She signed one of my favorite Ruby images I printed out and took a picture with me. I asked her if I could do my Ruby impression which I am pretty good at and she told me to go for it so “Yaaaaaaaaaang”. Throughout the convention I took a lot of pictures of great cosplayers, I really admire cosplayers being able to do that and it looks so much fun. I also found a guy that works for RTX who responded to my email inquiry with a rather heartfelt response...I told him I would try to find him and give him a hug. Low and behold the first person I ask was him and I just threw my arms open, he was pretty excited and so was I. At one point I got separated from my room mate and his friends and started to panic. I went outside and just found a spot to huddle down in the shade and started desperately texting. I have a tendency to look down and avoid eye contact with anyone when things get overwhelming. Thankfully one of my room mates friends who I find really reliable came and found me and rallied the others so we could go back to the hotel room and eat. After that I just decompressed...had a few drinks at the empty bar at the hotel room with my room mates reliable friend. After that he told me to come out with him to meet up with some other people from the con that wanted to hit a bar and relieve “Line Stress”. I was kind of apprehensive about it cause I prefer quiet places with barely any people. Buuuut after the few drinks I had I was feeling loose so..why the hell not. I met up with TK and Melissa...two amazing people. I got plastered, I had so much liquid courage and with Melissa with me she and I were just doing whatever was fun. We talked and I poured my heart out about how much I would love to meet Arryn and Barbara and tell them how much they mean to me. I got so plastered...yet I was just talking to random guys from the Con without any problems who gathered around our Jenga game. I even did my Cinder impression. After a wonderful night I road some sorta gondola thing back to the hotel...I was so drunk I totally spent 45$ for it instead of 10$ for an Uber.

Day 2

Hangover city, but something about last night...Melissa and I had poured our souls out to each other in alcoholic fassion. I felt really good and comfortable. Today I was able to traverse the con without any problems. I took more pictures of Cosplayers and fangirled out to a 2B cosplayer (I love Nier). Bought a bunch of shirts but I had one killer headache. Lydia came and found me and showed off her Yang cosplay...which was awesome and did a Bumbleby pose with me and her friend took pictures for me. I tried to go to the signing panel to hopefully wait in line and meet Arryn but they would not let anyone in unless they had an Autograph code...and they filled up before I could redeem mine. I was pretty upset after that. That plus a killer hangover pretty much killed my aspirations to do anything the rest of the day...I went back to the hotel room and just laid in the bed and took some headacke medicine. The one good thing about the day...MORE METAL DETECTORS AND LESS LINE WAITS. The roomie and friends went out drinking again but I passed and stayed at the hotel to nurse my migrane.

Day 3

This was my last chance. I got up early left the hotel room and got and Uber all by myself. Went to the convention and B-lined for the Ruby panel and managed to get a seat near the microphone. Everything was great I am totally buying box of pumpkin petes. The moment they said “We’re going to open up for Q-” Anything that was said after that wasnt heard because I had severe tunnel vision. I was out of my seat following the two guys that I sat next to. I managed to get in line but at this point I started panicking. So I just picked a spot on the floor and looked at it. Every time I looked up and saw my face on the screen I thought I looked horrible and quickly looked down again. I felt sorry for the guy I sat near that brought his RWBY fan video thing and was told to give it to the guardian. Everyone was crammed in real tight and it was sort of an uncomfortable situation. I felt really bad for the guy who asked for an autograph for his sword. Ok so, dont ask for autographs. Then it was my turn, I was absolutely terrified. I wanted to make it short and quick for the people behind me so they can have a turn. The original thing was going to be: “I love you guys and I wanted to tell you how much you mean to me. When I came out I was basically abandoned by my family and my brother threatened to beat me up if I ever went near his children. There are three things that bring light into my life: Thats my friends who have become my family, My boyfriend (Who introduced me to RWBY BTW), and RWBY. Barbara, Yang means a lot to me because she has the confidence I dont have, I want to be like her. And Blake means the world to me because I know what its like to be discriminated against because of what you are, and not who you are. I love you all an I look forward to seeing more RWBY in the future” bow...exit stage left...thats not how it went down. I got as far as Barbara...I saw Miles get up and run down the isle and I lost my shit. Miles ran up to me and hugged me and its really hard for me to remember what he said cause I was just so shocked. I think it was something like “You are a beautiful wonderful person and we love you” and then all the sudden I feel more arms around me and I look up and its OMFG Arryn and Lindsay. I rememer hearing Arryn say “Wow her nails are really cute” And I just remember whispering repeatedly “Thank you so much” to Miles. Then Arryn came in for a hug and I just died. I wish I could remember what she said, but I was just so shocked...I think she said “You are a beautiful person” but I just kept saying “Thank you so much, I love you, you mean so much to me” And then Lindsay came up and I was like “Oh Hi again” and kind of smiled a bit and gave her a hug. Then I could hear Vic asking for my name. So I said Serena...but that came out all squeeky so I said it again. And then there was a moment where nothing was happening so I was like. Should I continue speaking or what?...I was not registering So being just an absolute wreck I was like “So Blake means” and that was just shattered by the very gentle voice of Vic. “Look around this room cause you are surrounded by thousands of friends” I was just...so happy...hearing the applause...I tried to look around so it was like...People clapping and cheering...floor...people clapping and cheering...floor...and then there was a pause. And I asked “Do I continue?” and then just turned and spoke “I just wanted to say that Blake means a lot to me because I know whats its like to be discriminated against based off of what you are and not who you are. And Barbara (Meant to say Yang but I was a total mess) means so much to me because she represents the self esteem and confidence I wish I had” and I just had to stop because I started losing it. So looking at the floor again. I heard Barbara said she was coming down...more hugs...more hugs. And then I look up and Barbara! Again it was really hard for me to remember everything specifically cause I was in such shock that this was really happening. She said something akin to “You are a beautiful and amazing person and dont let anyone tell you otherwise. You had the confidence to tell everyone your story” Or something like that...god I wish I could remember but it was just so surreal. I thought Barbara would get a kick out of the Image I had on my Binder and she laughed. Miles gave me another hug and said more wonderful things and I asked him “I know I am asking too much and you guys are busy, can I get you guys to autograph this?..Maybe later?” (Afterwards I felt really petty and bad about asking for this after they gave me such amazing hugs and an experience I will never forget I guess I was just trying to have something to remember the moment) and he said “I’m really sorry, we’re all really busy right now but I will autograph something for you real quick” and he signed my camp camp flag. So I returned to my seat and just...kind of stared at the floor. I was trying to calm down. Everything else that was going on around me was just a blur, then all the sudden I hear Barbara “Serena where are you girl?” So I looked up from the floor and raised my hand and she brought me a YANG FIGURE THEY ALL AUTOGRAPHED. ( Image 1 Image 2 ) and I was just smiling and sort of in a cave woman mode.  I didnt even realized it was signed I was like “S-S-Sign?” (Again felt really petty and bad for that but...I was not functioning in the brain properly at the time) and she just pointed at it and I looked down. Whabam...they had all signed it...I was dead “Thank you so much, thank you so much” was really the only thing I could make out and she went back to the panel. It all just came out...I was crying and my hands were shaking...everything after that was just a blur.

After the Panel (THIS IS AMAZING)

People were filing out and I was just sitting there crying. My friend who I met on facebook and meeted up with at the convention who was cosplaying as Ruby came and sat next to me. She had tears in her eyes and she just hugged me “You did it!” and we just sat there hugging and crying. I looked up and standing there oh so patiently waiting for us to finish our moment was Chivy Oum. The tears came again I said “Oh my god its you. I was looking for you the other day” and I just moved in to hug him. I told him. “I know what its like to lose someone, I lost my sister. I really feel for you. I love you so much” (I lost my older sister in an accident when I was 13). And he just spoke in a calm voice. “If Monty was here he would have loved hearing what you said, he would have loved this” And I just cried my eyes out. Eventually we parted and I just hugged him a bunch more...then sat and hugged and cried with Ruby again. A few people just came up and hugged me, said wonderful things. A guy came up with a foam replica of Gambol shroud and said “This was the last one they had, you deserve this” and he just gave it to me. I was just smiling and just so emotional I hugged him. Then a guy in a grim mask with a cane scared us...cause he came out of my periph. He quickly took off the mask and said he was sorry and took off the mask and hugged me and said what I did was very brave. At this point a Guardian came in and said we had to get out and I walked and talked with Ruby. On the way out I was hugged by a few more people who said nice things and at this point I just had to calm down and find a nice quiet place. On the way out I got approached by a person who said “I don’t normally give hugs but you deserve one” and she hugged me. For every hug..I always said thank you. I finally made it outside and sat down and just decompressed. Some time after an older woman who was cosplaying as Kali came outside and sat next to me. And she told me how she is a mother and she loves and supports her son no matter what and she cannot fathom how my family cannot. And we just talked and talked and shared stories. I felt so calm and relaxed around her...and she gave me a cigarette (I needed one, but I RARELY smoke). We had a long talk about our lives and things like that and we exchanged contact information. After calming down a bit I went back inside and one after the other there was a person there to give me a hug and tell me that I’m part of the family now. People told me that I am brave, people told me how touched they were by what I said. Some people asked if I wanted to go to the quiet room with them but on the way there I got stopped by a guy who asked me for my autograph. I was like “Seriously? Um...wow ok” and...I accidentally pocketed his sharpy (Old habbit I picked up in the Air Force “Every Good Airman always carries a pen!”) I went to the Expo hall to get a souvenir for my friend. And I ran into two guys who told me that this is what Rooster Teeth is about. I’m part of one big family. And they said a lot of nice things. Picked up some souvenirs and was making my way out. A girl stopped me and asked me to sit with her and her friends. We talked and stuff like that and hugged and she told me she is an artist and she gave me a sketch of Blake Belladonna. We exchanged contact information and talked for a while and I had to head out..more hugs from random strangers...more kind words...and then I had to stop a Cinder Cosplayer and take her picture. “Hey arent you that girl from the Ruby Panel?” So I told her yes and she gave me a hug, and I gave her my best Cinder Impression ever. There was a beautiful girl with her...she told me what I said hit home for her cause she is Trans. Immediately I told her “I could not tell, you are just so beautiful and I love and support you” She opened up about how what I said hit home to her...she was recently fired from her job...just cause she’s Trans...that is so fucked up. I told her how horrible I thought that was and how stupid of them. We talked for a bit and exchanged contact info and parted ways...I was going to find a nice quiet spot to relax. On the way up the escalator I noticed a guy jumped out of his seat and smiled and moved over to hold up his hand...I just reached down and shook his hand I just smiled and said thank you...and he said something I could not hear but it sounded like “Your awesome” and that just made me smile. I went all the way up to the third floor where it seemed like there was not a soul. Everywhere I went at the convention I was approached and hugged it was just so moving. Checking my messages on my phone one of my friends told me Twitter exploded and sent me a link. Barbara retweeted “This” I never used Twitter before so I was trying to figure that out...I just wanted to tell her thank you. Then another girl walked up to me and threw her arms open and I stood up and gave her a hug. Even leaving the convention center it was hug after hug after hug. I stopped a few more cosplayers and noticed they were looking at me like they wanted to ask me something. So I was like “Did you go to the RWBY Panel?” “Yeah was that you” “Yeah” more hugs (Each hug is followed by nice words btw). I honestly cant remember the last time I got so many hugs. Some people asked me to show the figure they signed and gave me. And just so many people told me that I am part of the family, I am brave, I am courageous....really I am just flattered more than anything that something I did touched so many people. Finally after a day of many hugs, many kind words I got back in the truck and we drove home. On the way home I mostly spent the long drive talking to the many people I exchanged information with, wishing them safe trips and thanking them. When I got home...well I am a Role Player and actively Role Play as Blake and Yang and a bunch of Role Players heard about it and gave me This when I got home. Thank you Winty Mint! <3

The Day After the Convention.

I was so happy, I posted about my experience in two of the facebook groups I joined some time back. Bumbleby Bae’s and Ozpins Army. I got so many wonderful comments and the admin of Ozpins army was apparently three guys behind me in the Q&A Line. He said he was going to run up and give me a hug but Miles beat me to it. The entire day was spent talking to people and reading lovely comments and then someone linked me the vid on youtube...it all began to sink in and I just started crying again. I posted a comment on the video about my experience and that too was followed by nice things...but also some bad things. Some people were pretty upset that I shared what I did. They said “The rules said no Downer stories” I honestly swear I didn't hear that...what did hear was Kerry said he would like to hear stories how RWBY has touched peoples lives and I thought I fit into that category...so honestly if I upset you I am sorry, that was not my intention. One of the guys on facebook said he runs another RWBY Group.

Today

I am just so shocked that all the nice comments and things keep coming. One person said “I hugged you!” and another told me they saw about it on Tumblr so I went to look and came up with the idea to make a blog post about my experience. Just the amount of support I am getting is overwhelming.

End Note

 I am...completely overwhelmed by how much support everyone is giving me. After everything I have gone through to be accepted by so many people, to be hugged by so many people, to have so many wonderful words of encouragement said to me, to know that what I did inspired people (I have gotten a few messages from people on how it inspired them), and just how wonderful you have all been. Words cannot express this feeling I have, but I can sum it up as love. You have all given me so much love and thank you so much for that. And what you have given to me I will pass that on. Any time any of you have a bad day, want someone to talk to, want someone to pour your heart out to (I can keep a secret), or if you just want to talk or ask questions I will be there for you.

I love you all so very very much. And I am honored to be a part of this family.

[livelongandpawsper-blog]

Creepypasta:The Return of Headmaster

A/N: I got this idea from another story I was writing, so I thought Id use it here as well. Please read by other story too! Its fun and angsty!

--- Meanwhile, Serenity Darkmoon Ravens mind was wondered back to the past. It was Ruzus hogmanay party, which everyone was invited too. The party was awesome as always, because Headmaster was hosting it.

Serenity Darkmoon Raven was pretty drunk that day. She had already punched a bunch of people. Serenity Darkmoon Raven a few times.Because She is stupid.Blood was spilled. But that was normal in this sort of party.As was the pile of bodies. If Serenity Darkmoon Raven was honest, She couldn't remember much that happened. Only something about a security gaurd,a goat and a pair of scissors.

There was one thing that stuck in Her mind though. Something She would never forget. Pip. Pip was wearing a Headmaster mask that night (it was a fancy dress party btw - A/N).

Everyone had come as something or someone else.

RUZU WAS DRESSed as SERENITY DARKMOON RAVEN. SERENITY DARKMOON RAVEN WAS DRESSed as ZABBA. ZABBA WAS DRESSed as Aris. Aris was dressed as Headmaster. And Headmaster was dressed as a ming vase.

Serenity Darkmoon Raven was instantly attracted to Pip in Him costume. The way He moved. The way He talked.The way He flicked His hair. Pip was doing a Karaoke number. It was "i will survive". And He was awesome. He sung like they were possessed.The audience was transfixated by Pip. Underwear was chucked at Pip. Serenity Darkmoon Raven was soooo turned on. (and She didn't need that underwear anyway) Serenity Darkmoon Raven got up and sang too. When Pip was singing i will survive it was like the words spoke to Her. Pip seemed to be addressing each word of the song just to Her. The room faded away and it was just the two of them. No one else in the world. They gazed into eachother eyes as Pip put His soul into the last lyric. Then silence.

Suddenly, Serenity Darkmoon Raven was woken out of the flashback by current events! --- This is the story of a time long ago..... --- The next time they saw eachother Pip winked at Serenity Darkmoon Raven, remembering what happened at the party.Serenity Darkmoon Raven blushed. Some of the others giggled. Did they know? Serenity Darkmoon Raven didn't care. ---- Aris and her friends were killing

They always enjoyed killing to relax when things were getting stressful.(Things were a bit stressed at the moment due to a unhappy love affair between Headmaster and Serenity Darkmoon Raven) They thought nothing killing all the time - it was just a way of life. But things were different today. Someone was watching them enjoy killing, and it was starting to get creepy. "The creepy guy is creeping me out", said Serenity Darkmoon Raven. "Yes, me too. Especially how he keeps licking his lips and stroking himself as he watches us" Just then the man walked over too us. "I am a talent scout" "Owww...THAT explains it" "Aris, I have been watching you while you did some killing. Your skilled. VERY skilled." "Oh, yes, Aris is great at it" said SERENITY DARKMOON RAVEN.

"INDEED. maybe the greatest. Look at Ariss body. Her shoulder! Her torso! Her foot! Its like she is built for killing! Every aspect of her perfect physique built for that one divine purpose. " "I thought she was built for loving!" said Serenity Darkmoon Raven "I am thus going to officially invite Aris to the killing championship!" continued the talent scout.

"We are going to the championship!?" said Serenity Darkmoon Raven "Yes, the ticket has a +1. And you both go straight to the final!" "Awesome!" "But you will be fighting against someone else that made it to the final...someone you know well....Headmaster!" "Then its settled" said Aris. "We go. We cant let Headmaster win at anything. Even killing."

So they left for the stadium.

The next day, Aris was nervous. She was good at killing, some would say the best. But was she really the best? The best at killing on Netherrealms? Aris was about to find out, as the contest started soon.

Aris thought back to a few years ago.

Happy times, before all the the troubles with Headmaster got really bad. Breaking out of his deep thoughts, Aris decide to go to the Arena early, perhaps do a few laps as a warm up.

Aris casually strolled to the Arena while practicing killing. As Aris walked out she was surprised to see Headmaster already there! Headmaster was clearly upto something. Aris had to find out what it was! "What you upto Headmaster?" yelled Aris. "You will never find out!" yelled back Headmaster, who wanted to keep her plan a secret. Frustrated, Aris started practicing killing, never taking her eye of Headmaster as she did so. Ruzu joined them a few minutes later. "Hi Aris!" he said with a sexy wink. "..and hello.....Headmaster" with a even more sexy blink. "yes. Hello Ruzu. Good to see your in the contest too. For now" But before Ruzu could hear what villain had said, it was time to start!

They walked to the start line, and bent down ready. (A/N - but not for THAT. You have a really dirty mind!) The crowd was getting big. Many fans had banners saying stuff like 'Go Aris Go Aris Go Aris' or 'Go Go Go Headmaster your the best!'

The starter pulled their bazooka out and got ready to fire. Ruzu, Headmaster and Aris all waited with anticipation. 3 Ruzu started breathing heavily 2 Headmaster tensed. Ready to go. 1 Ariss skin glowed sexily with excitement 0. BANG! The starter fired the bazooka.....at RUZU!

RUZU COLLAPSED instantly. Headmaster started killinging, laughing manically as she did so.  

Aris was in shock, and raced over to Ruzu. "She shot you!" but why? "Owww...I am shot bad" The starter stared at their weapon. "I didn't mean too...my bazooka acted weird!" Aris looked at the  bazooka.

"Yes....this bazooka clearly has been sabotaged to shot at Ruzu." "Typical" said Ruzu. "What now?" said Aris. "You have to go on" said Ruzu, still bleeding blood and guts and other bits everywhere.

But just then the clack-son went off! It was half time! As Ruzu was carried taken to hospital by jaguar, Aris and Serenity Darkmoon Raven retired to the locker room.   Headmaster was already there, still grinning.

"Oh what a shame. Ruzu isn't going to compete any more. Even doing nothing I'm going to come second. You know...I might just let you win..out of my....generosity... " Headmaster sniggered again.

With that Headmaster left out the backdoor.

"Gosh darn-it" Serenity Darkmoon Raven said. "Headmaster drives me mad! " "You know, I think she had something to do with Ruzus accident "

Aris was thinking. hard.

"Headmaster is never generous. Lack of generosity is his number one defining characteristic. Well, that and evil" "That means..." said Serenity Darkmoon Raven, her slow cogs working. "...She wants to come second!" said Aris, thinkingly. "Do you think thats..." "....because she wants the second prize medal!" said Aris, winning again.   "It must be because the second prize is really sword " "Yes, now that Iook at the second prize I notice it now. Its clearly the sword" "That explains why someone would want to become second!" "Exactly!"

"So we have to beat Headmaster by being the best at coming second? How are we going to do that...you have never lost before! " "I know" said Aris. "I am not sure I know how" "You got to though. Just this once you got to come second!" "No I cant. But I have an idea....you could compete!" "Me?" said Serenity Darkmoon Raven, surprised. "Do they even allow girls like me to do killing? "Yes, its a modern contest, a few girls like me have already competed. I'll win the contest as normal, and you will come second. You can do this!" "Ok Aris, I'll do it. I'll do it for you"

Then the Gong went again, the final leg of the killing contest had begun!

--- Serenity Darkmoon Raven had some time before he had to do anything, so She decided to have another flashback.

It was just after the Karaoke. They had stepped of the stage to loud applause and were now looking at eachother. "Hi" Serenity Darkmoon Raven said, meekly. "Hay" Pip said, also meekly. Their confidence from moments ago had evaporated like alcohol. "Do you want too..." "maybe.." "ok then." So they walked to the cloakroom. It wasn't long before their lips were together. Serenity Darkmoon Raven couldn't remember who made the first move. She did remember the taste though. The taste of Pip. Pip tasted like honeydew on a summer noon. Refreshing and salty but also a bit sour. What had they been eating? Serenity Darkmoon Raven tried to work out it. It took much tung work. After a few minutes mouth to mouth pot holing, Pip guessed what Serenity Darkmoon Raven was doing. "I had satsuma for lunch." "oh" "you dont have to stop though" "oh. Good!" Serenity Darkmoon Raven said, with great relief. They finally drew away after what seemed a whole october but was only mere minutes. The taste of Pip's lips (and other things) still lingered in Serenity Darkmoon Raven's mouth as they finally looked upon each other with new eyes. Relieved sighs came from both of them as both embraced, Pip snuggling against Serenity Darkmoon Raven's neck as he snuggled upto Pip's torso.

Pip went further by clutching Serenity Darkmoon Raven with his fingers, pulling at the fabric of Her slacks to feel what was underneath.

The telltale shape in Her leggings stood out between them, especially with the weight it had against Serenity Darkmoon Raven's thigh.

Pip moved over Serenity Darkmoon Raven's body like a serpent and lovenly nuzzled at a peaked abbs. Serenity Darkmoon Raven liked this a lot and started making a lot of noise. Pip joined in. "Owwww...Ahhh...MAHAhhhEEkkk...aakk" It got pretty noisy from that point on. Both of them had a lot of fun and made a lot of noise!. Serenity Darkmoon Raven sounded like Bus ! Pip sounded like a heard of Rabbitss on drugs. They had a lot of..."fun". "My groinal area are hurting...can we stop? 12 times is enough surely?" Pip said, pleading. "No...MORE MORE MORE" said Serenity Darkmoon Raven, with apparently an insatiable apatite Pip finally head butted Serenity Darkmoon Raven to get Her to stop. "Sorry about that, I got a little carried away" said Serenity Darkmoon Raven. "Thats ok I.....enjoyed it." said Pip blushing in the way they always did. "Tomorrow?" "Yes" said Pip. "I'll bring some of my toys next time for us to play with" said Serenity Darkmoon Raven.

And with that they left the cloakroom and returned to the party. The months that followed were fun but eventually they broke up and became enemies.

---

Serenity Darkmoon Raven and Aris walked boldly into the World Championship Killing-ing Arena. It was time for the final part. But first Serenity Darkmoon Raven had to be registered.

"I, SERENITY DARKMOON RAVEN, WOULD LIke to compete!" she shouted proudly all ready for her big day. "I am sorry but afraid its not allowed" said the contest judge. Devastated Serenity Darkmoon Raven started sobbing. "But I have wanted to compete in a killing-ing contest all my life! " "Its not in the rules I am afraid." Aris took Serenity Darkmoon Raven in their arms. "I'm sorry I thought you would be allowed" "Its not fair...I have every right to compete." "Its probably just because you are a girl" "Probably. that's just typical!" Serenity Darkmoon Raven sobbed some more. The floor was quite wet now. "I know, I'll have to lose now" "Its so unfair, why should you have to lose? Why should you have to come second?" "I'll...be ok Serenity Darkmoon Raven, I can do this." said Aris holding back her emotions. "*snuff*" said Serenity Darkmoon Raven "Its so unfair on you! They will all make fun of you for coming second!" It was true, the other killing-ing fans would make fun of her. "I'll take it" said Aris manly. Serenity Darkmoon Raven was already so upset that Aris would have to lose, Aris didn't want to make her even more.

With that Aris stood up and went to the starting line next to Headmaster. "So its just you and me" "As it should be" "Lets end this" Headmaster gave the contest judge and nod and the contest started once more.

Aris and Headmaster did their killing-ing intensely. Aris tried to control himself but it was hard. Every instinct in him made him want to win. She could not be put on a leash.But She had to control it! Aris struggled "Could he do it?" "How could he not win?" "She Loved killing!" "This was not possible" "But he had too" "For the sake of the Netherrealms" "He needed too" "But how?" Finnally defeating his inner monologueing she overcame her bloodlust for killing-ing. She  could lose now.

Aris stopped. A calmness washed over her and they entered a zen-like state. They did nothing. Headmaster  didnt see this and rushed ahead killing-ing like Aris was still going. Before they could see what happened they had won! Aris had come second by default!

"I....won....?" said Headmaster confused. "Yes..you see we knew your plans to come second and get the sword as it was the prize. So Serenity Darkmoon Raven and me planned to come second!"

"But I won!!!" "Yes" "I never won anything before! I was always bitter and evil because I never won anything!" Suddenly Aris realized that Headmaster was a good person and they just did evil because they never won anything before. "Now they I have won this prize I feel all my evil thoughts leaving me, I dont need the sword now...I am sorry I did anything bad" Aris and Headmaster forgave eachother and the crowd cheered. "I forgive you!" "Yayyyyyyy!!!!! Horrrraaayyyyy" said the crowd.

And then everyone went home together and lived happily ever after and there were no more problems.

-The End

[undyinghappinessblog]

Oh Hi!

Oh hey. Haha fuck I sound like my 6 year old self...”Oh hey diary! How are you? Sorry I havent written in a while..” But....yeah. I haven’t. So I think I have quite a few things to catch myself up on. 

I am not really sure if the reason I have’nt been writing. It think its a combination of being really busy (I moved, my cousin got married, my grandma Betty passed away, Ive been working two jobs pretty consistently, I’m still in acting classes, I’m trying to find a new agent) mixed with the fact that I am seeing a therapist once a week, so I guess a lot of the things that I would find myself writing about on here are being worked out with a professional in the real world. 

The trouble with being so busy, is everything kind of tends to feel like its coming at you at a warped hyper speed, you know? Like I feel like a lot of the time I dont have the luxury or the time to really process anything or be in the present moment because I’m too busy worrying about what needs to be done, or I am working....Its something that I have been trying to work on in therapy. I am also meditating before I go to sleep at night-trying to be present and also boost my self confidence. And when I finally DO have a minute to process things, I find myself being really tired and needing to lie down and close my eyes. Its really hard to find that time for me, and I am learning more and more that that time is something that I really need to find a way to prioritize. Finding time to just be with myself and not be distracted by thoughts of what I ‘should’ be doing or what I need to do in the next couple of days, you know? 

I also find myself getting a little sad and scared that I am too busy worrying and stressing and working myself so hard that I am missing out on moments that are more important...Like genuine time with myself or my friends. Really enjoying time in the moment with little things like the sun, blue skies, leaves blowing in the wind, reading a book, painting, writing, etc. 

Anyway..I guess that was just a really long winded way of me saying ‘I have been really busy’. 

So...I’ll just give a quick recap of the past couple of months. 

Okay, so I thiiiiiink I wrote about working on ‘Sacred Lies’ on my last post? But just in case, I will give a quick little refresher. So I got cast as an SOC principle character on a TV show about a cult...and my roommate Daniel actually got cast too, so it was really nice to have a carpool buddy and someone that I could talk to on set. But it turned out that I was actually okay on my own too. The cast was really nice and I ended up making some pretty cool friends with a couple of them. 

Its been prettttyyyy much dead for me since then though. So in terms of acting, I have been unemployed since April. And I knooowwww that I should feel liucky for the opportunity-AND I DO!!!. Its just, I am starting to feel a little antsy...and wanting to get back on something...anything!! I’ve said it many times before, but its really hard for a woman to navigate through this industry. And I’m not even a fuckin minority- I know I have white privelage, and I feel shitty saying this, but....Its been really tough for me as a woman in this industry in the past few months, man. 

Like. I am just going to rant here for a sec. Since Sacred Lies, Daniel has booked 3 more shows and has gone down to LA twice to see casting directors and shit. And I have had....maaayybe 3 auditions? I wanna say 2 of them were one liners. What reaaallllyyyy bothers me is that I can guarantee that these booking have NOTHING to do with his talent, or his resume (think I have spoken about his weird act-y voice and his horrible, narcissistic attitude). It all has to do with the fact that he is a tall, young looking white guy. THATS IT. 

The thing I dont understand about hollywood is this. They FINALLY make these HUGE blockbuster films starring women and people of colour like ‘Wonder Woman’ and ‘Black Panther’ and ‘Crazy Rich Asians’ and they all make MAAAADDD bank. They are so well received that they break box office records. Which absolutely makes sense because there are people who are FINALLY feeling represented and like they ACTUALLY see themselves in the characters on screen. But they still make so many films that have a 1. pro-dominantly white cast and 2. Most of the main characters are played by WHITE MEN. Like...How many Hollywood Rom-Coms have cast someone who identifies as First Nations as a lead? Someone who identifies as Middle Eastern? Muslim? Asian? Lesbian? Trans? Non-Binary? Truthfully, there are maaannny things about the injustices in this industry that I am not even aware of, and I could be overstepping my boundaries by saying all of this, but man. If I am feeling unrepresented and angry as a white woman, I cannot even IMAGINE how angry many of the minorities feel. Fuck it makes me so angry man.  Honestly, I could talk about this for hours until my head blows up or I throw my fucking computer across the room, so I am just going to stop there by saying this. More people of colour need to be cast (especially First Nations actors!!), more women need to be given larger roles and more women need to write, direct, produce, AD, edit, sound design-every single role in film needs more women. Period. 

Okay moving on. My cousin Alex got married this summer! Fuck that was emotional. The whole experience was just so lovely and happy and so much fun. She was married on the lake that we grew up spending our summers on. There was a lot of smoke from forest fires, but it was still so beautiful. Our family was there and it was amazing. I was Maid of Honour (My sister was supposed to be there as Co-maid of honour with me, but she was at school already, down in the states, so she couldn't be there.) and I was also the MC. I was really stressed about it at first, but once I had a few drinks in me, I felt better and had alot of fun (I think the guests had fun too...unless they were all just pretending to laugh at all of my jokes...). I gotta say though, I am not a huge fan of her husband. He’s not friendly, very needy and relies on her too much and their relationship reminded me a lot of what my parent’s looked like when I was growing up. Plus his family is fuckin trash (His bother and his brother’s girlfriend ended up getting in a huuggeee fight the night before the wedding and the cops were called, so Alex’s husband ended up calling her and asking her to come get her...) Anyway. Their relationship isn't any of my business...and as hard as it is to see someone I love be married to someone I dont particularly like or respect, I gotta let it be and hope for the best for her. 

My grandma Betty also recently passed. Which was very sad. I’ve experienced death and loss before, but it was when I was younger. This was the first time that I experienced death as an adult. When I think about how my sister and I got through what we did when we were kids, I just...I dont know how in the hell we did it. Becuase my grandma had dementia, and was very unwell and not herself, when I got the call, I was almost relieved. Obviously I was very sad. But I also felt strangely grateful for the time that I had with her and I also felt very lucky to have someone like her watching out over me. Like I FINALLY had someone in my corner. I still cant believe that she's gone. Saying that she ‘passed away’ is still so strange to say. 

Anyway...thats pretty much it. Lots of life happened in the past couple of months. Lots of crying, anxiety, laughs, reminiscing, hoping, meditating, painting, more crying, more anxiety...just lots of life man. 

I gotta say though, instead of ending this on a note of desperately hoping for ‘something good to happen’ by masking it with “manifesting”, I think I’m going to end it by saying this instead. 

I am going to take better care of myself. And be kinder to myself. I think that something good will come out of that regardless. Whether it be through acting or just my relationship with myself. For once in my life, I am going to take care of myself. Everything else comes secondary (at least for now) and will happen as its supposed to, according to the universe. 

And by saying that, by putting myself first, I think everything I have ever wanted for myself will come when its ready and in a healthier and more welcomed way. 

Okay. Thanks.