#i had covid like 2 weeks ago and ive barely written since then

[raineandsky]

#102

tw: abuse, threats, knives

The superhero barely sleeps anymore, but he can’t afford to. His mind is always haunted by one question: where has the hero gone?

His assistant lingers on the threshold to his office while he stares blankly at the table. She clears her throat when he shows no sign of acknowledging her. She holds a little envelope out to him when he glances up, his name written on the front in glittering cursive.

He reads the contents. Rereads. Looks to his assistant for answers. Receives none. Stares back down at the words on the little note in front of him.

“Well,” he says flatly, “I suppose I best go if we want the city to stay intact.”

-

The supervillain answers the door with a winning smile and a shocking amount of hospitality. 

“I’m so glad you made it,” he says brightly. He ushers the superhero into what can only be described as a mansion. Crime clearly pays well—or he likes to pretend it does. Who knows how he came into a house like this.

The supervillain sets the superhero down in an extravagant dining hall. Servants line the room, practically invisible in the shadows, almost as much of the furniture as the table and chairs in the middle of the room. Most of them have their eyes pointed to the floor.

The supervillain settles in the chair opposite and motions for one of the servants to step forward with a wine decanter. They pour it out agonisingly slowly, their focus honed in on the glass, before skirting around the table to do the same for the superhero.

The superhero startles. “Oh, there’s no need—”

“Nonsense!” the supervillain gestures for the servant to continue. “You’re my guest. Have a drink, please.”

The wine is poured. The servant steps back, their gaze flitting to the supervillain, and with the slightest nod of his head they retreat back into the shadows.

The superhero watches them go, catching the eye of one of the other servants standing on the outskirts of the room. It catches him off guard slightly—he could’ve sworn they were all staring at the floor—but after a moment to study their face he has to hold down a choked gasp.

That’s the hero. The hero he’s spent endless days searching for. The hero that disappeared off the face of the earth, who seemed to just cease to exist. The hero’s staring back at him like they’re equally stunned to see him here, their eyes wide and their jaw slack.

The quiet goes on too long. The supervillain twists in his chair to glance at whatever’s caught the superhero’s interest.

“Ah,” he says shortly. The single word seems to snap the hero out of it, their gaze immediately snapping back down to the ground. “Is my servant here bothering you?”

“You—” You invited me here on purpose. The superhero can’t think of words outraged enough. They’ve been here the whole time. “How dare you—”

“[Hero],” the supervillain says lightly. “Come here.”

The hero shares a worried glance with the servants next to them before slowly stepping towards him. They pause just behind his chair, their head bowed—out of fear or respect, it’s not obvious. “Sir?”

The villain holds his hand up to them expectantly. “Give me your hand.”

The hero spares a glance at the superhero. “B-But sir, our guest—”

“Your hand, [Hero].”

They hesitate, their breath uneven. Then they slowly, slowly put their hand in the supervillain’s.

The supervillain moves faster than the superhero can react. He slams their palm down against the table, his grip deathly tight on their wrist. A steak knife sits in his other hand, the tip poised over the back of the hero’s hand.

The superhero’s on his feet in an instant. The hero desperately tries to pull away, but the supervillain’s grip on them is vice-like.

“Now,” he says smoothly, “what have I said about manners?”

“[Supervillain],” the superhero tries.

“Haven’t I taught you anything?”

“I– I’m sorry.” It comes out of the hero’s mouth like a knee-jerk reaction, like it’s been said a million times before. “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again—”

The supervillain twists the knife testily against their skin. Something of a strangled sob tears from the hero’s throat. “Staring is rude, [Hero].”

“I– I know, I’m so sorry—”

“[Supervillain],” the superhero snaps with all the authority he can muster. “Stop.”

“I deal with my servants how I please, [Superhero].” The supervillain’s gaze pulls up to him lazily.  “This is my domain, not yours.”

But he thankfully lets go of the hero. They pull back nervously fast, their hands cupped over each other protectively. The supervillain glances back at them as they attempt to meld back into the shadows. “Go downstairs, [Hero],” he says flatly. “We will discuss this incident later.”

The hero’s gaze snaps back to him like he just asked them to walk into hell itself. “Down– Downstairs?”

“Don’t make me repeat my instructions twice, [Hero]. You know this.”

Their eyes flit between the supervillain and the superhero for a moment. Then they dip into a short bow, and with a slightly choked “sir,” they practically bolt from the room.

A couple of the servants behind the supervillain exchange whispers and sorrowful glances.

“I must apologise,” the supervillain says with an innocent sigh. “I thought I’d trained my servants better than that. I assure you such behaviour will be dealt with.”

The superhero’s still on his feet. “Release them immediately.”

The supervillain idly swills the wine for a second. “Or what?”

“The agency will not stand for this.” The superhero clenches his fists at his sides. “I will not stand for this.”

“Well,” the supervillain drawls, “you can have them back when I’m dead.” The supervillain sets his glass on the table a little too hard. “This has been a wonderful evening, [Superhero]. Now get out.”

-

It takes 20 minutes to get back to the agency, and by then the superhero has a half-formed plan in his head and a burning cry for vengeance.

When he’s dead. So be it.

[shytiff]

Jan 2021 Wins

ive “journaled” for 6 months now. it started as small ___ wins because when you feel rly empty, even doing the bare minimum feels like a win. written down some of the wins. i think until now i’d like to keep the “win” part. a win against my shadow sometimes. a win in life. some things to be grateful for. a win for remembering it later in the future. i know some days im just basically doing nothing.  there are a lot of wars not won by me. but im still tryna ✨manifest✨

1 - woke up. watched bts’ 2021 seasons greetings. read trap city. afternoon nap. pupuy’s mbah passed away. i got DOMS in my body even though i did the barest of exercise yesterday (frail, i know). shower, matcha latte.

2 - the x banner atikah and i sent for racil post thesis defense has arrived lmaoo. mom made delicious (and sweet) fried banana. did some studying (more than usual, bcs the bar is on the floor)

3 - ate muesli, 3 risols. Kopsus coklat at flavola. Stayed there from 12-ish to 17:30 lmaooo. weekly bahas soal w/ fi. Rapat nemo

4 - first day of collab module. Barely cicil ukmppd. My mood is normal-ish but i hardly have the will to study. Dinner is fried fish with mentai sauce, potato wedges, and saladdd by mom

5 - collab module, qa presentation for rsui reps. finished reviewing tryout 2 solid. did padi pretest (got 66,5). ate chicken porridge, a bit of muesli and vsoy, tan ek tjoan bread, matcha latte, fish and chicken and potato wedges and salad, fried banana. i ate well today lol.

6 - slept during collab webinar, went to clara’s place to study osce and attended padi together. i ate well at clara’s placeee lol. ate nastar, kusuka, white kwetiaw with soup (?), and lele goreng. went back home @ 9 pm. i feel refreshed. even though we’ve half studied half mukbang all day. human interaction rly does heal me. i need human interaction more than i think. at night i dreamed about going to bali, to waterparks, seeing sea creatures, watching a movie displayed on a concert-like stage and screen at the front row. 

7 - woke up at 07:55, finished my part for collab group work. felt a bit tired today. the rest of fam went to DM, and when they were on the way back i HURRIED my way out, not even taking a shower lmaoo. got pistachio matcha latte at starbucks dm. now im more skilled in searching the best spot in a cafe to distance myself from people lmao. the matcha latte is served with some sort of pistachio cream and sprinkled with nuts on top. its like when sbux had taro matcha latte and it had purple cream on top. the pistachio taste is quite strong. reviewed TO 1 padi, sent proposals for nemo sponsorship.

8 - did syndrome try out and padi 2 web try out. studied for osce and padi @ clara’s place. wanted to order pizza since clara bought me food before, but she insisted in ordering lmaoo. so dinner is pizza hut

9 - woke up at 11.00 lmao. havent had breakfast. lunch is muesli with the brand new delishhh chocolate granola and cimory banana milk. did one shot try out, got 71. had a google meet with Prof Agus (that ethics book ghostwriting job from a year ago is not finished until now huaaa) that went from 20.00ish and finished at 22.30,,,,, reviewed syndrome try out along the way. havent made my collab self reflection hhhh. i also need to study for osce. also havent edited article for bukang solid. and there goes my saturday nooo

10 - i swear i keep waking up late lmao. Flavola w atikah, racheel later came with wawa. Kopsus coklat and ukmppd class w dr yudo. After class i just talked at flavola (and ended not studying osce at all for sunday). Went to racheel's to pray and talk some more. Hurriedly went back for booty call with fi, watched konser dies natalis first. Tryout and sum study with fi and clar that went from 20:30 to 00:10. Powered by left over kopsus and 2 snackit pia. Rip my sleeping schedule

11 - woke up at 10:30 ish, the lack of meal and horrible sleep pattern (for my standard) produced stuffy nose during the day and a bit of headache that went away for a bit after i ate. Late bfast is muesli, drank protein, ate tan ek tjoan, plus 2 brownies in the evening. Tht coaching w dr niken. Did self reflection for collab. Had dinner without rice, as usual. Ukmppd class w dr ayu. Finished reflection at 21:30 lmao (deadline is 23:55). Tryna sleep and my nose is still itchy and i sneeze a more often. i hope it goes away 2mrw

12 - DV coaching, scele tryout, took a nap before padi cause my head kind of hurts. Les padi while drinking matcha with vsoy less sugar and no added sugar. I can withstand the horrible sugarless cy matcha taste bcs theres a taste of soy. Didnt do anything else. Havent studied osce on my own until now. Astagfirullah

13 - my head still kind of aches. Its goes away when im eating. im eating so well during the weekdays that i gained 2kgs lmao. lazed around the first half of the day. padi. finally tried saint matcha and damnn its an amazing upgrade from Cy matcha. the green color is super different yall. Cy’s green looks sick and tired compared to saint matcha. the taste? immaculate (although coco deli is more fragrant). caffeine? hits. awake and feel normal? yes. messaged an ao3 author and got replied and turns out she’s making a sequel for my fav fic of hers. yay

14 - osce practice w ara ren ness. bedah and anak osce coaching. had 3 of mom’s cinnamon rolls and matcha latte for the afternoon. cicil osce DV. edited some pld articles. did nothing else basically

15 - wasted my day, didnt have the courage to study osce (i feel like i procrastinate on it bcs it feels overwhelming to me), TO FKUI 2, hurriedly reviewed to 1 before, les padi. i feel like this is the least focused im being in a les. maybe its the too few matcha powder.

16 - woke up at 9 am. breakfast is muesli. reviewed to 2 fkui w apa salahku (finished at 12 pm, there goes half of my saturday). tried fried chicken master. its good and tender but i still prefer moon chicken. 

17 - breakfast is muesli, banana and 2 martabak tahu. snack is keripik pisang aduuu wenak (and picking bits of meat cooked by mom). went to devi’s place w/ racheel silvi. brought RJ to be wrapped. we watched okay madam and its super fun, hilarious and full of twists anddd a bit of cutesy romance. just the right balance to enjoy and let the stress out. late lunch is moon chicken yay!! went home after maghrib, did to padi 6 w/ fi and matcha latte. talked about a senior’s wedding and eating healthier til 22:30

18 - To fkui 3, wasted my afternoon playing my phone, finally mustered some will to study after ashar. My progress is rly slow today. Watched hilarious jessi interview with eric, heechul. Im telling u, i thought tiktok is the funniest internet content but i was wronggg. Seeing heechul flustered is hilarious. Tried to study again at night but only learned 1 disease hiks

19 - had no idea what i did before dzuhur lmao. went to racheel’s to surprise atikah. actually napped at her place lmaoo why do i feel so sleepy. gifted rj to atikah. we ate fried chicken master and pempek on a small green table and talked. its like korean movie lmao. we talked while im simultaneously listening to padi lol.

20 - woke up at 8, chicken porridge + muesli and low sugar vsoy for breakfast. arrived at clara’s @10am. to fkui 4. reviewed it. reviewed general physical exam. finished up to padi 7. tried bombo donut. studied osce. i felt sooo dumb in osce (and clara is already super smart). superrr motivated to learn after going back home (arrived at 7) but i ended up opening youtube and drinking protein lmaooo and its suddenly 9 pm

21 - matcha latte at starbucks dm. Studied osce. Obgyn coaching w the super kind dr ilham. Les padi. Read angel buddy and played with my phone til 12 pm

22 - to fkui. padi as usual. had low motivation, so i did the tryout that day close to the actual course.

23 - left home at 06:30 to study together in capitol. had breakfast in mcd first. thank god i ate rice + chicken and breakfast wrap cuzzzz. studied osce together w ara, ical, kelvyn, dio and kak ilonka til about 2 pm. WALKED to bk bcs my parents are there. apparently simply driving to capitol is too much for them. immediately ate muesli at 4 pm cause i didnt eat anything in capitol. did nothing else after that. did not pray maghrib together lmao somehow mom had mercy on me and let me sleep som more. mom bought sate padang but i didnt eat it. i cried in bed because as yoongi said, “this is the real you and this is the real me”. did not shower/wash my face at night bcs i felt like shit lmao rip my face (its a week before bukang photoshoot)

24 - i feel tired, lazy, and just wanted some sleep. like all that’s in me is drained. ate muesli with strawberry milk. tried fitmee beef. its better than i thought. because the noodle is chewy you spend more time to chew. also ate fried chicken and daun singkong. usually i cant wait to go to flavola but even at 12 pm i just feel like laying down. finally mustered the will to shower and go out. its raining a bit on the way. colddd. 

25 - to fkui 6, osce briefing, covid lecture (that was actually for ppds), padi

26 - spaghetti for brekkie, coaching neuro and ophthalmology, cicil osce

27 - cicil osce, the second to the last padi omg. the fastest padi ever

28 - obgyn osce practice at kak ilonka’s place (that nice kosan at forkabi) with ara, ren ness, kelvyn, dio with mannequins from og dept, tried meokja salemba that serves bulgogi rice. quite good. after arriving at home, studied neuro together with menno til about 20:45 an and i just dont have the energy lmaooo so i gave up and slept

29 - today is bukang photoshoot at bintaro. put base make up on the way. even put glue on my eyebrow. got eyebrow, eyeshadow and blush done by renata. took lots of photos. nebeng om coro afterwards to bxc to meet mom. we ate at genki sushi (renata ara kris mendel oca regan geordie eka). i missss road trips hua. did tryout fkui on the way back home. after shower and prayer proceeded to review TO with apa salahku. Last padi (havent done the questions beforehand so i sprinted it out while on the actual course). Muhasabah osce with kak widia afterwards lmao. Studied osce with clara

30 - studied osce with ara ren ness @ merra. I ate eatlah, moms muffin, kemplang, tango. I ate so welll. Its a productive sesh, neuro and infectious disease. At home i studied osce w clara til abt 22:15 ish. I feel like i miss my me time lmao its been 3 days. I can still go on w clara but i dont wanna get myself sick

31 - simul osce in the morning. Osce study with clara almira. Cicil osce alone. Played my phone at 10 pm even though i still have mental clarity post matcha latte -___-

[eradikait]

Birth and the Fourth Trimester

It's been incredibly long since I have written any prose - years, in fact. Life leads you on a waltz through time, and before you finish a twirl, five or six years have evaporated into nothingness. And you begin to ask yourself, how did I get here?

But in reality, everything has shifted and mutated into something fascinating and terrifying all at once. As I write this, I'm admiring the sweet, sleeping face of my infant son. He breathes rhythmically, secreting a perfect innocence and naiveté that only children and animals evoke. This is someone who sprouted from his parents' love and blossomed inside of me: I was his vessel, his guide into the Milky Way Galaxy of existence. Now he is tangible and can mark the earth with his tiny footprints. I am constantly in awe.

But parenthood is not always rose-scented, especially in the beginning. I know I have little room to speak, considering my son is only 12 weeks old. However, the hormones and frustrations you encounter early on can surprise you, despite the warnings or advice you may have received. But do I regret any of it? Never. I would kill for this kid.

I want to recount my journey from the start, with what I am able to remember. It's strange how quickly one forgets the details of events that happened mere months ago, especially things that are so life-altering. I guess it is nature's design so we are tricked into having more babies!

The Birth

I was overly optimistic about my birth experience. I thought Rowan would arrive early at the end of February (he was born a week past his March 3rd due date) and that I would give birth naturally and medication-free (I was induced and it resulted in a cesarean section). My first lesson as a new mother was to never have your heart set on a birth plan.

On the day of Rowan's scheduled induction, I woke up at 4 a.m. feeling unfamiliar cramping in my uterus. Can these be contractions?! I excitedly thought to myself. I began timing these short waves of pressure and noted a pattern forming. Shortly after I went to the bathroom and was greeted with the mucus plug. I felt a victory dance stirring in my heart strings - I never felt so elated at the sight of blood. I knew that these signs did not indicate that active labor was imminent, but at least it was on the right path!

Throughout the morning and afternoon the contractions continued, leading up to my 2 p.m. non-stress test appointment. The readings from the machine at the office confirmed that I was in the early phase of labor and that the baby's heart rate was just fine; however, I was only one centimeter dilated and was advised to still go to the hospital at 7:30 p.m. for the scheduled induction.

When we checked-in at the hospital, they immediately ushered us to an isolated room after reviewing my information. A few days prior I had received a positive result from a rapid COVID test. I explained that I had the virus over a month ago, and that the test probably picked up on the lingering dead virus cells. Understandably, my protests were ignored, and the staff had to dress in full PPE every time they came in contact with me. I felt like I was Elliot from E.T.

"Do I still need to be induced if I have had contractions since this morning?" I asked the doctor with a tinge of hope.

"Yes, you were only one centimeter dilated this afternoon and almost a week past the due date. It's not safe for baby to go longer," he advised as he prepared the cervidil (a medication to promote dilation) for insertion.

"This will hurt a little bit. Just breathe," he warned, placing the object up my vagina. I immediately grimaced in slight pain, wondering if I could tolerate all the fun labor had in store later on.

The nurse assigned to me was kind but a little off-kilter. She began hooking me up to an IV (stabbing my arm several times unsuccessfully) and to a machine to monitor my contractions and vitals (mumbling off some standard questions to ask me, forgetting a few in the process). She gave the impression she was at the tail-end of a doubleshift and in need of sleep. Oh - and I had the pleasure of experiencing another COVID test, this time mid-contraction (achievement unlocked).

After the preliminary torture was completed, I regarded my surroundings. My fear of being confined to the bed was actualized: I couldn't shift from my back to my side without disrupting the flow of the IV fluids; if I had to use the bathroom, I needed to wake Chris to help detach a spiderweb of plugs so I could saunter over to the toilet, IV stand in tow. I felt imprisoned and helpless.

It didn't take long for the discomfort from the cervidil to hit me. I tried focusing on a clock in the room, watching its hands tick away in perfect movement. I breathed slowly and deeply, mimicking a video I grazed through on managing labor pain (oh why didn't I practice more?!). I wondered how long I could handle it all.

Around 12:45 a.m. I heard an audible POP! erupt from my uterus and liquid began pooling underneath me. "Oh shit!" I said loudly. I immediately pressed the button to summon the nurse.

"I can't tell if my water broke or if I pissed myself," I said into the speaker. The nurse entered the room and after a quick inspection said, "Yes, you ruptured."

Chris (bless his soul) helped me out of the bed. I shuffled over to the bathroom and tried my best to sit on the toilet, attempting to ignore the pain. I panicked as I noticed a green hue mixed in with the liquid.

When I asked the nurse to analyze the meconium on my disposed pads, she didn't seem too concerned. I asked if I really needed to keep the cervidil inserted and she informed me that the doctor wanted it to remain in place.

At 4 a.m. the doctor came to the room and announced that I was approximately four centimeters dilated and was removing the cervidil. I felt a slight sense of relief; it was diminished once he said, "Then we are starting you on a low dose of Pitocin in a couple of hours." Dread filled my veins. I had heard from many people how awful Pitocin was and how it was almost impossible to give birth without an epidural.

As promised, at 6 a.m. the nurse added Pitocin to the IV stand. I tried to mentally prepare myself for the impending pain.

After being awake for 24 hours, I managed to dose off, only to be woken by a new nurse an hour or so later. She introduced herself and looked over all the machinery attached to me. She appeared to be intently focused on the Pitocin dispenser.

"Baby's not liking the medicine," she said, watching the monitor that showed his heart rate. She called someone to help her in the room and quickly placed an oxygen mask over my face. "It's not for you, it's for the baby," she added. I wanted to scream.

Another nurse came to the scene. They told me to get on my hands and knees on the bed to see if that made a difference. My bare ass was on display. I felt like an animal up for auction. Eventually you just don't care who or what sees you naked anymore.

After that failed, the doctor came in and had them shut off the Pitocin drip.

"The baby is not responding well to the medication. So we can try a couple of things. First, we can see how you do naturally," he suggested, eyeing both Chris and me. "However, if you are unable to progress, we would have to resort to the Pitocin again. Considering that the baby's heart rate is decelerating in response to it, this would bring us to a potential emergency c-section scenario."

My heart plummeted at the sound of "emergency."

"Or, we can schedule your c-section right now," he continued. "As with any surgery, it comes with risks. I'll leave you alone to talk amongst yourselves."

I turned to Chris and immediately voiced that I wanted to try naturally. Understandably, I would not go beyond anything that would put our baby at risk. We informed the staff of our decision.

Over the course of an hour, the nurse happily confirmed that the baby's heart rate had stabilized. However, the pattern of my contractions kept spacing farther and farther apart. Elated at my baby's improvement, I couldn't help but feel disappointed by my body's failure to do what it should be accomplishing naturally.

The doctor returned and analyzed my cervix. "Only four centimeters still. Your contractions are also declining in frequency" he said, removing his gloves. "So we can either resume the Pitocin and risk the baby having another adverse reaction or we can schedule a cesarean. I'll let you two have some time to discuss."

I looked at Chris. We both were tired. In my mind, however, I felt like I was giving up. I wanted to experience that sense of empowerment that comes with bringing life into this world. I heard so many stories of women taking much longer to birth their babies. Are those really my only options? What if I never was induced? Could I have achieved labor and delivery naturally? I mourned the loss of it all. I regarded myself as less of a woman.

"If we go forward with the c-section, think of how we can see our son in just a couple of hours," Chris reasoned, holding my hand for comfort. He had a good point - a part of me just wanted to get it over with. Despite not quite hitting the active stage of labor, the pain was almost unbearable.

"You're right," I said. "Let's not put the baby at risk."

We told the doctor our decision and they immediately prepped for surgery. The nurse inserted a catheter (another first of many experiences for me) and remarked that more people feared this portion of the procedure than the actual surgery itself. I laughed loudly - I appreciated her attempt to ease my nerves.

Over the next hour, Chris kept me distracted from the contractions by playing trivia games. With the sleep deprivation, hunger pangs, and my inability to breathe the pain away, I practically handed Chris his victory.

I glanced at the clock nervously. At 10:30 a.m. the nurse announced it was time and escorted me to the operating room. The stark whiteness of the space nearly blinded me upon entry. Every blemish and scar was in the spotlight (thankfully so). It looked and smelled unnaturally clean. I was a specimen ready for dissection.

The anastesiologist emphasized my need to remain still and to maintain my forward-bending position in order to insert the spinal injection with precision. I was nervous about having a contraction during this pinnacle moment. Mind over matter, I told myself.

At that moment, my doctor immediately changed into the role of a caring grandfather. He told me to hold a pillow tightly against my chest and to bend into him as he enveloped me with his arms.

"Why did the cell phone go to the dentist?" He asked. I forced a chuckle and told him I didn't know.

"It was having trouble with its bluetooth," he said. "Sorry my jokes are bad, I'm just trying to keep your mind off everything."

"I appreciate it," I said. "My husband loves Dad jokes. The cornier, the better."

He told me a few more as I felt the needle creep into my spine. "Once we start the surgery, your son will be out in two or three minutes."

"Holy shit!" I yelled into his chest. He laughed.

They laid me back down on the table, and soon the blue surgical curtain was in front of me. It was alarming how quickly the numbness spread across my body. I was a beached whale on the shore of uncertainty, arms splayed outward helplessly.

"Can you feel this?" The doctor asked from the other side. My version of the Wizard of Oz.

"Just feels like someone is lightly poking me," I said.

"We are pinching you as hard as we can," he replied. "We want to make sure you can't feel anything."

I turned my head to face Chris. I tried not to think about how the subtle movements I felt was really them slicing my belly open and tossing my organs around.

After a few minutes, just as promised, the doctor yelled, "Take a look, Dad!"

"That's you, Chris," I said. "Stand up and look."

Newborn cries filled the room. My heart swelled. He's alive, I thought. He's alive and strong. He's really real. Tears warmed my cheeks. Relief.

After taking a peek at my horror show, Chris sat down and grabbed my hand again.

"It's okay, go to him," I said. "Take some pictures."

"11:14!" someone shouted. After a few minutes, Chris returned, his demeanor excited and joyful.

"Wait until you see him, Kait," Chris said. They brought our baby over to the table and placed him near my head. I turned and tried to awkwardly lean toward him as best I could. He was beautiful and perfect in ways I never fathomed. It was love at first sight.

"Smile!" exclaimed the nurse. We took our first family photo, baby screaming and all. My husband and son (oh how exciting it is to use that word) were then whisked away to another room. I stared at the ceiling, breathing slowly; once again, I tried to think about anything else but what was happening below.

A short time later I was wheeled back to the initial delivery room. My body was shaking uncontrollably (a side effect of the spinal). I couldn't move from the waist down. I was still trying to process how quickly everything had happened.

The nurse brought the baby over to me. Would I be too weak to hold my own child? Would I do it wrong?

I clumsily cradled my son and looked down at him in disbelief. How quickly life had changed since yesterday. A tiny stranger was now my everything. I was both ecstatic and scared shitless.

The nurse immediately pushed his head and almostly forcefully latched him to my breast after several minutes of struggle. It was a strange but most welcomed sensation. My body was finally doing something it was intended to do. In that moment I thought that breastfeeding would be a cinch - another lesson to be discovered.

The nurse remained by my side to monitor my vitals and to ensure that I would have sensation restored to my legs. I struggled trying to move my limbs while simultaneously holding and adoring my child. It felt like an eternity before I regained any control. All I could think was move your big toe! [cue Kill Bill soundtrack].

After a couple of hours we were relocated to the postpartum room, where the road to recovery began. I recall a few highlights from our few days there: being sequestered to the bed for an eternity; the battle of breastfeeding my newborn: wielding nipple shields, pumping colostrum, and supplementing formula with a syringe (I yielded when the nurse told me the baby was still hungry after my futile breastfeeding efforts); how terrified and relieved I was to finally take a shower (and the reluctance of removing the binder from my mid-section for fear that my innards would just spill out); the copious amounts of bleeding (and endless Depends); trembling while lifting myself up and the struggle to walk a few feet; cheering when I successfully took a shit; receiving a negative COVID test result (if only they had listened to me); and mourning the loss of my desired birth experience.

I remember the stellar nurses we had, especially the one assigned for our second night in the hospital. She rightfully observed that my baby wasn't transferring enough milk. After my pleas for some formula, she offered to help us feed him with a syringe. She then said, "Please don't get discouraged. I don't want you to think that you can't breastfeed. You can totally do it!" I remember her admiring my pain tolerance from the surgery and complimenting the amount of pee in my catheter bag. She frequently checked to make sure I was alright during the night. She was genuine and beyond efficient.

The nurse for my last day in the hospital was the opposite of everything I embodied: she was bright, bubbly, and incredibly energetic - I loved her. She gushed about the one doctor performing the circumcision, "She did both my sons' circumcisions and they came out beautiful! You'll love it." And then she immediately consoled me when I was in hysterics after the procedure, "Oh honey! Don't cry - the baby is just hungry! Your boobs must want to burst right now. This is going to happen a lot!" She was brutally honest about diaper changes for boys, "Ugh, you have to get under the balls and everything - so much harder than cleaning girls!" She told me about Salma Hayek breastfeeding babies in Africa and its utter randomness. She also stocked us up on plenty of pads, infant formula and mesh underwear to sneak home. She was a keeper!

After spending three nights in the hospital, we were beyond ready to head home, albeit with slight trepidation. We didn't know what the hell we were doing - we were terrified. But by setting ourselves up with a small starting goal of "keeping the baby alive," I had faith we would survive.

The Fourth Trimester

The first few days after leaving the hospital are now a blurry, blended recollection. Sleep deprivation combined with hormones was enough to drive one mad; add an endless breastfeeding struggle to the concoction and you became deranged.

The frustration was palpable. I had to remind myself constantly that this experience is new for me, but everything is new for the baby. Despite my reasoning, I still felt defeated and upset. I was in hysterics. I felt inadequate and wondered if I was cut out for parenthood. I feared my son would never bond with me and may never love me. I also felt utterly isolated from being totally alone with him during the day. The loneliness of motherhood is not emphasized enough.

I remember crying while holding Rowan to my breast, pleading, "Why won't you breastfeed?!" as he rejected it again and again. The nipple shields only did so much. Eventually he hated those, too. We also had lactation consultations, along with tongue and lip tie revisions - despite the efforts, he still didn't want my breast. It became another motherhood experience of which I was deprived.

For six weeks I exclusively pumped, determined to only give my baby my own milk. I knew there was nothing wrong with formula, but for me, it felt like another strike against me as a woman: I already failed at giving birth and breastfeeding, I didn't want to add failing to feed my baby to the list. I became a slave to the machine, pumping every 3-4 hours for 20 minutes or so at a time. I tried to coordinate it with Rowan's naps, but that wasn't always a reliable option. The stress of meeting the demands of that schedule coupled with satisfying the needs of my baby was burning me out. The guilt weighed heavily on me - I was desperate for a break.

Eventually I realized that the health and mentality of the parents was just as important as the baby's. I threw in the towel and knew I was ready to give him formula. I decreased the number of pump sessions to only four or five a day, and we fed him breast milk every other feed. I finally felt like I could actually enjoy my time with my son. The pressure to give your baby breast milk is cumbersome. Fed is truly best, and a happy, stress-free mother is better for the baby. Motherhood should never equate to martyrdom.

I thought by now at three months I would have abandoned pumping altogether but I'm still hanging in there, despite my disdain for it (and the torturous clogged milk ducts). If it gets to be too much, especially with returning to work next week, I'll quit. I gave it my best, but I'm not going to lose my mind over it. I'm sure I'll feel a tinge of remorse (mom guilt is inevitable), but why must we put ourselves through the wringer? We need to be kind to ourselves and to each other. A cesarean section is just as admirable as vaginal delivery for birthing your baby. Formula is fine. Breastfeeding is fine. Embrace the stretch marks and tell everyone to fuck off who mocks them. Make time for yourself and your identity. Make time for your partner. See your friends. Love your baby like there's no tomorrow.

And my baby loving me? There's no doubt in my heart. His smiles and snuggles are my daily affirmations. Our love will only continue to grow. No regrets.

[adventuresaroundasia]

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It’s been quite a while since I’ve done the Freedom Life monthly recaps, but I decided it’s finally time to get back into it! That said, I may or may not have started writing this post with the intent of it just being a July monthly recap and then… got too busy to finish it. Story of my life…

So anyway, here’s what I was up to this summer living in Tbilisi, Georgia!

On the way to Kazbegi!

What I Was Up To This Summer

Over the last two months, I’ve been very busy! Firstly, Chris and I took a quick weekend trip to Kazbegi along the Georgia Military Highway!

In addition to that small trip, I attended a baby shower, prevented my cat from dying via surgery, rescued a NEW kitten, launched a new website with Chris, and more!

**For those of you who are concerned about me traveling during COVID-times, the Republic of Georgia handled the pandemic very well (we only had 17 deaths TOTAL) and things are really starting to open up. We did have a very strict mask protocol at the hotel though, and we specifically went to the countryside where we could explore with almost no people.

Where I Went in July

Tbilisi, Georgia

Mtskheta, Georgia

Pasanauri, Georgia

Kazbegi, Georgia

Sno, Georgia

Gudauri, Georgia

Gergeti Trinity Church is lit up behind me!

Highlights

Here are the best moments from July and August!

A Quick Trip to Kazbegi

After being cooped up in a small apartment for months and months, Chris and I were so excited to finally get out and see a bit more of Georgia. Unfortunately for us, we only had about 2 months to enjoy Georgia before lockdown, so aside from a quick wine tasting day trip, we really hadn’t seen much of the country!

Now that things are (almost) back to normal here, we decided to head to Kazbegi in the mountains near the Russian border. The lack of tourism has been really hard for all of these beautiful mountain towns, so it was nice to be able to provide some business while enjoying the fresh (and chilly) mountain air.

We booked a heavily discounted room at Rooms Hotel Kazbegi, which is one of the nicest local hotel chains in Georgia. It was so nice to take a few days away, and enjoy the beautiful view of the mountains and Gergeti Trinity Church.

Honestly, I think Kazbegi is one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been to in my life.

The Russia Georgia Friendship Monument!

Driving the Georgian Military Highway

Driving to and from Kazbegi was an adventure in and of itself! We hired an awesome driver named Timo from GoTrip.ge, who not only stopped at all the major sights along the Georgian Military Highway, he also suggested additional stops and activities for us!

On the way to Kazbegi, we had the opportunity to visit Mtskheta to see the beautiful Svetitskhoveli Cathedral in town and the Jvari Monastery which sits up on a hill giving you an incredible view of the entire town.

We also stopped at the famous Ananuri Fortress, Pasanauri for their amazing khinkali dumplings, Sakuriani to drink mineral water from a natural spring just off the highway, an area just off the highway with “sticky rocks” you could climb up without slipping despite the slight waterfall, and of course, the Russia-Georgia Friendship Monument, which we had completely to ourselves!

On the way back a few days later, we stopped at Sno to see the famous carved head sculptures of Georgian poets, and we even got to take an hour-long cable car through the mountains to Gudauri! We really thought the cable car would be closed considering no one was there, but they let us ride which was such a fun surprise! That said, it was super weird to ride a cable car for an hour and see NO ONE.

Honestly, the trip to and from Kazbegi is amazing, and I’ll have to write a blog post about it soon!

Fruit Baby!

Attending my First Baby Shower

This July was my first experience attending a baby shower! Two of our friends are having a baby literally any day now, so it was very fun to be able to celebrate with them!

We played baby-themed trivia, ate tons of great food, and there was even a gender-reveal with cupcakes! I also loved being able to shop for a few cute baby things as a gift!

Chris and I Launched Multiple Nerdgasms

Over the last two months, Chris and I launched a brand new blog together: Multiple Nerdgasms! This is a site where we can talk about one of our other loves: Dungeons and Dragons. (Yes, we’re both giant nerds).

Chris has been DM’ing D&D games for 24 years (seriously), and I started playing a few years ago. While I used to play once every two weeks, during lockdown, I got involved in three different online D&D games!!

Chris and I thought it would be interesting to write about D&D from the perspective of both the player and the DM, as well as exploring both a male and female perspective. I’ve already written a few posts for the site, and set up social media accounts. I can’t wait to keep writing more!

Surprisingly, the very first post I wrote about gender equality and D&D actually got a lot of traction! People were sharing it on Twitter in women’s D&D groups, and many people reached out to me with their own stories of sexism in D&D. I even inspired a few men I know to create strong female characters.

it’s hard to get a good picture of him

I Rescued a Kitten

So at the end of August (aka last week), I may or may not have rescued ANOTHER cat. After coming home from a nice dinner out, Chris and I stepped out of the taxi and were immediately accosted by a 2-month-old kitten who wouldn’t stop meowing at us.

He looked fairly healthy, so we thought that there was a possibility he belonged to someone in the area, especially considering the fact that he kept running up to people, looking for help/food.

We were originally going to leave him because we didn’t want to take someone’s cat, and even if he was a stray, Georgia has a ton of street cats and kittens that do very well. We even waited for a solid 40-minutes just to see if we could find a mother or owner, but no one came for him.

But on the way home, this little kitten decided to follow us, almost getting hit by two different cars in the process! Worried that he wasn’t going to survive on his own outside, we decided to take him home until we could figure out where he belongs.

After a visit to the vet the next day, we learned that he is definitely a street kitten, but doesn’t have great street-smarts and was relying on people for food and attention. Now he’s happily at home with us and is probably the most loving kitten I’ve ever met in my life. So… welcome to the family?

Yasmina relaxing after her surgery

Challenges

This summer wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Here’s what didn’t go so well…

My Cat Almost Died

If you didn’t already know, I’ve been fostering a cat named Yasmina for a few months now. She’s also a street rescue and has a ton of medical problems. At the beginning of the summer, Yasmina started to go really downhill. She was having a lot of trouble pooping, barely ate, slept constantly, and appeared to be in immense pain.

I kept taking her to the vet, who gave her IV treatments and lots of medicine, but she wasn’t getting any better. We even gave her an enema to try and clear out her bowels! (She hated it).

While my vet seemed great (and refused to take any money for any of these treatments?!!), she also didn’t speak English very well and couldn’t really take the time to fully explain to me what was wrong with Yasmina. I kept offering to pay her (seriously, she’s a saint), hoping she would give me more time, but even the paying clients were extremely rushed in this very busy clinic. I started feeling like it might be worth my time to go to a different vet that comes highly recommended from other expats in Tbilisi.

So after not hearing back from the original vet for a few days, and getting very worried about Yasmina not making it, I had Chris take her into the Veterinary Clinic at Georgia Agriculture University. Apparently, Yasmina is 8-10 years old NOT 2-3 like a vet originally told the girl who rescued her, and her biggest problem is not her kidneys, but the fact that she had a solid kilo of poop stuck in her intestine! She needed to undergo emergency surgery IMMEDIATELY and there was only a 50-50 shot she’d make it due to her age and medical problems.

On hearing this, I contacted the company I work for remotely and asked to have my remaining shift covered while I raced to get to the hospital to be there for her surgery. The entire surgery I was so nervous I felt sick! But thankfully she’s such a strong girl, she came out of surgery just fine, and has completely recovered!

I had to give her a lot of medicine, and take her in for IVs every day (and this vet clinic is NOT nearby my house…). I also have to feed her Royal Canin Gastrointestinal Wet food in 4 small servings a day which is not cheap.. but it’s a small price to pay for my fluffy baby!

As of now, Yasmina is a completely different cat. She’s constantly playing with toys, and went from barely ever making a sound to becoming an extremely talkative little lady. A little too talkative to be honest… 

At least I have khinkali

My Course Launch Didn’t Go As Planned

As many of you know, I have an online course and coaching program called Teach Abroad Squad that helps people to be successful teaching abroad in China!

Understandably, this year has not been great for my business. With the Chinese borders closed and no end to COVID in sight, it’s been a tough year for me.

That said, I did have a very successful launch of my program in April! I had my highest grossing launch yet, and had a bunch of really awesome people join the program. I’ve been working with a business coach who has really helped me through the entire thing (from positioning for the pandemic to dealing with my many mindset issues about selling during this time).

So after that successful launch in April, I decided to do another one in July! I made the free webinar training even longer and better, and had just as many people sign up as I did in April. However, no one joined the program, despite many people seeming interested.

Honestly, this is not really something I wanted to be open about, because I felt really ashamed of the results. I have this fear that if I talk about the struggles I’ve had with my program this year, people will think Teach Abroad Squad isn’t a success and they won’t want to join.

But deep down, I know Teach Abroad Squad is an incredible course, and I have full confidence in it. It’s really just the current situation that’s made things very hard.

Back in April, people still had a lot of hope that the borders would be open by now. So investing in Teach Abroad Squad was a no-brainer! But now with the pandemic raging in many countries like the US with no end in sight, I have the feeling that many people are choosing to hold off until things become more stable.

That said, it doesn’t make my July launch any less disappointing! I put a ton of time and work into promoting Teach Abroad Squad, and sometimes it’s hard not to equate your business to your own self-worth. It’s definitely something I’m working on!

This failed launch has definitely given me the time and perspective to look at potentially creating a second program I’m really proud of, with a different topic that’s more relevant right now.

While I still love and fully support Teach Abroad Squad (I mean, we do live Q&A’s weekly and monthly Zoom Coaching Calls!), it might make the most sense for me to stop pushing it for the moment and focus some energy on a new topic. Now, just to figure out what that topic will be…

For those of you who are interested in Teach Abroad Squad, I’ve decided to put a hold on webinars and big promotions for now. So if you want to join, I’m leaving the cart wide open for you! Feel free to reach out if you have any questions! 

Drinking cocktails with social distancing in Kazbegi

Work Overload: Course Launch, Freelancing, and Interviewing!

Most of July and parts of August were EXTREMELY stressful for me. Earlier in the summer, I started a new part-time job interviewing Chinese students for their college admissions applications, which has been a great source of extra income, but also takes up a lot of the time I used to use to work on my blog and Teach Abroad Squad.

I also have a position working as a social media manager for my business coach Merilyn! Yes, I joined her Lead Your World program, and then she ended up hiring me a few months later to do Social Media! (I help run her Facebook Page and Facebook Group!)

Trying to do these two jobs, and run a launch for Teach Abroad Squad, while also running my cat to the vet 30 minutes outside of town DAILY… is a giant recipe for burnout.

I ended up having major pain in my jaw that’s only just now calming down. But wow, I really overloaded myself these last two months… hence, why this blog post never got published and it’s a 2-month recap!

Georgian bread and cheese on the balcony for brunch!

Major Payment Plan Issues

To make financial matters worse, I had a few people in my program ask me to postpone their payment plan payments by a month due to financial issues. While I wouldn’t normally allow this, I know COVID has been super rough for everyone, so I allowed the payments to be pushed back by a month and followed the instructions from MemberPress to put their payment plans on pause.

IT WAS A DISASTER.

Not only did the system charge them anyway, but it also created a second subscription for them when I turned their access back on, meaning it charged them TWICE the next month. WTF!

Unfortunately for me, MemberPress only does tech support via email (seriously! It’s a paid service!), and my tech support person literally had no idea what I did wrong when I sent them screenshots of my system. They eventually had to get more advanced tech support in the backend of my website to try and fix the problem. It was a complete nightmare and I’m still mad.

Look at them not killing each other!

Trying to Introduce My New Kitten

While I’ve loved having my new kitten Mordie, my older cat Yasmina has NOT been happy. We’ve had to keep Mordie in the bathroom while Yasmina gets accustomed to him, and then we bring him into the bedroom to hang out for large chunks during the day and evening.

I know this is normal, but we have a very small apartment, and keeping them separate has been hard!

Not to mention, Yasmina was pissed at ME for bringing him home. She’d even smell his scent on my hand and growl at me. One day Mordie escaped into the living room and she was so mad she slapped me in the face! She also completely refused to come in the bedroom because it smelled like him, and hissed at me the one time I brought her in there.

Finally, after a week she’s starting to come around. They even napped next to each other on the bed today and she only hissed at him if he tried to come within a foot of her. Baby steps!

Here’s a Georgian tomato and cucumber salad with walnut paste

The USA is a Giant Mess

I could write an entire post on this, but this summer has really showcased that the US has some big problems they need to fix. Firstly the way we’ve handled the pandemic is absolutely ridiculous (and this is coming from someone who lives in a country that locked down hard and only had 17 deaths nationally). Then on top of this, the police brutality and reactions towards the BLM movement is horrifying.

While I’m glad I’m in Georgia right now, there is definitely a part of me that wishes I was in the US so I could participate in the BLM protests to demand racial equality, police accountability, and justice for the many victims of police violence and racism.

I’ve been trying to do my part to help, and have the difficult conversations with the few people in my newsfeed (and on my Adventures Around Asia page!!) who just DON’T get it. While I would typically just block these people for my sanity, I’ve realized that this isn’t productive. But wow, is it EXHAUSTING to talk with people who refuse to recognize their own biases, and will literally never change their minds.

But every time I feel like I just want to walk away, I remember that many people don’t have the privilege to do so. I think many of us have felt exhausted, hurt, and angry these last few months, and I really hope the protests (and upcoming election) create some positive change for our country.

Hello Tbilisi!

Blog Posts I’ve Written Lately

Here are the blog posts I wrote and guest posts I published on Adventures Around Asia since my last major life update/recap!

Fun Fact: I’m a Huge Nerd

What It’s Like to Teach in China as a Black Woman (Guest Post)

Moving to China With Kids: Teaching Abroad With the Whole Family (Guest Post)

I’ve also written two blog posts for Multiple Nerdgasms!

Why I Always Play Female Characters in D&D

Tragic Backstories: 10 Subtle Traumas for Your D&D Backstory

Travel Product of the Month

This month I want to give a shoutout to my amazing Teva W Ysidro Sandals that have gotten me through the summer. Not only are these things super cute and go with pretty much every outfit, but they’re also SO comfortable and supportive. They even have extra cushioning on the ball and heel of the shoe!

I had a pair a few years ago that I literally wore to death, which is why I was so excited to get these for Christmas! Now that the weather is warm I can finally wear them.

This cat tried to eat our food for the entire meal.

What I’m Reading Now: Wisdom of the Enneagram

If you didn’t know, I’m more than a little obsessed with the Enneagram, a personality categorization and self-help tool. The Wisdom of the Enneagram is considered by many to be the “Enneagram Bible” and the book that you really need to read if you want to learn the Enneagram in-depth.

While I’ve owned Wisdom of the Enneagram for quite a while now and had read through most of it, I decided to start reading through from the beginning again now that I have a better understanding of the Enneagram. I’m also taking notes and highlighting important info!

I honestly feel like I’m back in college again and I don’t even mind. It’s always fun to learn something new!

Best Instagram Post

I took this one from the balcony door of my room at Rooms Hotel Kazbegi! Man, the view here is so amazing…

  View this post on Instagram

  A post shared by Richelle (@adventuresaroundasia) on Jul 25, 2020 at 4:24am PDT

What I’m Up to in September

To be honest, I don’t have any big plans for September, but there are a few things that I want you all to keep me accountable on!

Firstly, I plan to start writing a blog post EVERY WEEK on Adventures Around Asia. I know, right? I’ve been so horrible about writing since the pandemic started because I just haven’t felt the passion for travel right now (and neither does anyone else…).

My plan is to write every week about something I’m passionate about, whether or not it has anything to do with travel. To be honest, most of what I’ll say will at least be tangentially related to my life traveling and living abroad (because that’s my life!), but I’m not pressuring myself to write travel articles and teach abroad posts right now when I just really don’t feel inspired.

I hope you all enjoy my passion-led blog posts this autumn and keep me accountable if I haven’t posted anything in over a week!!

The Freedom Life: July + August 2020 This post may contain affiliate links. Please read my disclosure for more info.  It's been quite a while since I've done the…