#i have a lot of thoughts but i cant coherently put them into words rn

[scarecrowbutch]

what i really wish wouldve happened for simon and bettys arc forreal, if they were going with the whole "betty has sacrificed everything for simon and he never cared" (WHICH AGAIN IS NOT TRUE !!!!!! but thats a whole other post teehee) would be for simon to ... sacrifice smth in return ? whether that be something like him taking on the role of a wishmaster for her like that au ive seen going around and giving her the option to wish for whatever shed want to, or using the crown to take on the role of golb in her stead, just SOMETHING along those lines if they really wanted to go in that direction. give her an opportunity bc otherwise its just kinda 👎

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

I LOVE YOUR ART SO MUCH!!!! WIANRKWJEJW Gosh I'm just IN LOVEEEE with the way you draw omg

Like, your line art??? GOSH I LOVE YOUR LINE ART SO MUCH AAAAAAA LIKE, THE THICK LINES??? THE LITTLE TO NO LINE WEIGHT??? GOSH ITS SO BEAUTIFUL WJAHJEEJJE

Also I LOVEEEE your colors omg. EEEE LIKE GOSH I LOVE YOUR USE OF COLORS SO MUCH!!! ESPECIALLY YOUR SATURATED COLORS!!! THEY SCRATCH THIS ITCH IN MY BRAIN AND IT'S VERY PLEASANT!!!

Also I LOVEEEE the way you stylise faces :'D The way you draw eyes... I can't get over it omg. ALSO the way you draw hair and noses and mouths and GOSH I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT

Also, I LOVE THE WAY YOU DRAW FOLDS!!! Honestly I just love everything about your art <333 IT' S SO PRETTY AND GORGEOUS AND I WANT TO STEAL YOUR ART STYLE SOOOOOO BADLY

Omg, also your more detailed drawings??? Chef's kiss man. LIKE OMG THAT DRAWING YOU DID OF MIKAMI WHERE YOU TRIED TO DO TWO DIFFERENT ART STYLES??? GOSH I LOVED IT EEEEEEEEEEEE GOSH I LOVE EVERYTHING YOU MAKE

Also I LOVE YOUR LINELESS ART A LOT WUQNDJEJ Gosh I love lineless art <333 Everything you make is BEAUTIFUL and gosh I just love your art so SOOOOO much

Sorry if my compliments are repetitive, I am not the best with words. Your art makes my brain go "WIAJSKKE WAAAA PRETTY PRETTY PRETTY EIAHRIENDKJE PRETTY PRETTY PRETTY WUSBEJEJEJEJ EEEEEEEEEE" so my thoughts aren't very coherent 😭

But gosh I love your art so much... Was scrolling through your art tag and kicking and giggling and ranting to my wall about how pretty it is. I have been thinking about your art for like, the past hour and a half? Gosh it's so good man (update! It has been like 2 and a half hours 😭)

I'm not a big fan of blood, but you make it look so pretty <3 Honestly it's kinda making me want to try to draw some bloody pieces (but I'm too scared to look for references)

EEEEEE GOSH I LOVE YOUR ART STYLE SO MUCH LIKE THE COLORS AND THE LINEART AND THE WAY YOU STYLISE EVERYTHING AND WAAAAA THE COLORS GOD THEY MAKE ME GO EEEEEEEE CANT GET OVER YOUR COLORS AND YOUR LINES AND EVERYTHING OK SORRY ITS SO GOOD

Your art makes me want to cry... You made lawmane art and it was SOOOO pretty I was smiling so much and giggling at how pretty the colors are and YOUR LINEEEEEES GOD I CANT GET OVER THEM EEEEEEEEEEE and it's just so pretty it put tears in my eyes (FOR REAL) and gosh your art is just super duper pretty it's like one of the best things ever (GOSH I WISH I COULD PROPERLY DESCRIBE HOW GOOD YOUR ART IS IM SO SORRY FOR BEING POOR WITH WORDS YOUR ART DESERVES BETTER PRAISES!!!) I'm not even a fan of lawmane but omg your art is just the prettiest

Your art is everything it's so pretty omg gosh I wish I could draw like you, your art is super duper pretty it's the prettiest of all the pretties it's very color and EEEEEE GOSH I LOVE EVERYTHING YOU MAKE GOING CRAZY OVER YOUR ART EEEEEEEE PRETTY PRETTY WIAJRJEJWJEJ EEEEE

I actually tried to make a drawing in your style! I failed lol. I can't draw lines and color the way you do (GOSH YOURE AWESOME AT IT) but it was super fun omg gosh I love your art style so so SOOOO much omg (sucks that I failed at copying your art style, it'd be funny if I could imitate both the way you draw and talk, but I guess it's a good thing for you haha) I want to try drawing like you more because your art style is so pretty but if it makes you uncomfy because that's like stealing your art style I will stop BUT GOSH ITS SO PRETTYYYY 😭

Sorry for the super long rant! I want to go on longer but this is getting too long I guess I'll continue ranting to the wall but I'm at a bday party rn so I can't rant to the wall but omg gosh your art is so so pretty I wish I could properly describe how gorgeous it is ok this is getting WAYYYY too long ok bye

ANYWAYS!!! Your art is PRETTY and I hope you have a good day and good sleep!!! Thank you so much for existing! Your art provides me with so much happiness gosh I can't believe you follow me like OMG KNOWING AN ARTIST LIKE YOU FOLLOWS ME BACK IS MAKING ME SO GIDDY AND HAPPY LIKE GOSH YOURE AN ART GOD AND OK THIS IS WAY TOO LONG BYE BYE HAVE A GOOD DAY!!!! YOUR ART IS GORGEOUS!!!!!

(so sorry for the rant and incoherent mess!)

i'm like. literally speechless. wow

(cue me speaking in the tags bc they make more sense to me)

[the-redeemed-anon]

Music anon here and im living up to my name i guess!

I have not seen many ppl comment on this but the song niki played at the end of her stream (i haven't watched it bc i cant really handle that rn) but i was informed it was "Learning To Hate You As A Self Defense Mechanism"

by flatsound.

And well i think the title of that song is pretty telling lol.

As we do with Eight this song tells a whole lot about niki's character rn. And i want to bring in some quotes from the song so we can look at c!niki from this angle.

"I knew I'd hold on to this feeling

I'd hold on to anything at all

Was it my fault

Because I easily confused you

For someone who would hold my hand

When things got hard

When things got dark

Because oh my god

When they get dark

They get so dark"

Which can point to her tendency to direct all her anger and hurt on one character like we saw with c!tommy and now with c!wilbur even attribute them stuff they aren't responsible for, to hold onto to anything at all and have some semblance of a reason why stuff turned out the way it did.

And

"You were always a shitty friend

And you would leave when I got sick

You never called me on my birthday

I want to call you on your birthday

So I'll hold on to this feeling

I'll hold on to this hate

For as long as I need

For it to help me"

Kinda cements that view point for me. But yeah! I Havent seen many ppl bring this song up tho! When even the title is telling what's going on pff.

Ey, Music anon!

So I haven't yet watched the stream either, but I listened to the song and it's very pog, and I think it's very fitting for Niki right now.

I don't feel that confident talking about Niki because while I like her character, I don't watch her POV due to limited time, so I hope Niki enthusiasts will pick up the song to analyze it like we Wilbur enthusiasts did with Eight. But! This song for me, I don't know, it gives me the vibe of a broken friendship. Of someone learning that their friend isn't as they thought they were.

And well... I feel that this is what happened to Niki. As far as I remember, Niki was a close friend of Wilbur's, so I think he thought she knew him well, but well... We know how Season 1 ended.

But then I think I can hear at the end of the song the sound of a phone being rung? I haven't listened to it enough times to make a coherent reading, nor do I know Niki's story well enough to put the lyrics into context, but that gives me a little hope that things won't end badly?

And before people jump on me - I am not saying that Niki should forget or forgive Wilbur and what he's done that has affected her. Her feelings are valid, and it's ultimately her choice to forgive if or when the time comes. What I mean is that maybe when these two meet, or if they talk more, maybe it won't rekindle a friendship, but it could leave them on neutral terms. I honestly don't want to see her start a plan to hurt him because that will bring more trauma to her down the line, if she comes to regret doing violence onto someone who was a friend once. I believe this relationship between the characters can be solved through words, and can be left in a neutral zone.

Anyway, that's what I wanted to see lol. When I watch the stream I'll make a post about it, but I won't go into that post with the intent to be critical of characters, no...

I'll be critical of some of the fandom's responses lol wish me luck guys.

[sir-sunny]

Midnight Reactions

I've listened to the album once already. Now im gonna go back through and type my reactions while listening to the songs. This is gonna be a mess. (Btw, i put the album on shuffle)

Dancing With The Devil

Fuck me man. I love this song. Glad that the first song is one that im familiar with. Little peice of comfort before im thrown into the fire. THIS SONG GOES HARD JESUS. Its so angry i love it so much. I really would love to hear this live. THE BRIDGE. Honeyyyyy. Im whipping so hard rn GOD. This song is so fun to sing geez. That NOTE he hits at the end of the song,,,,

Unopened Windows

We're really gonna make me cry this early ok wow. God this song is so pretty. This verse kinda reminds me of The Haunting. Just for a second. My heart hurts. This song is just,,,,, damn. Jesus these lyrics are so honest. This insramental,,, oh my god. Oh this bridge im actually going to cry. Its so bittersweet. I have goosebumps how can they do this to me. My G O D. Aaaaaa the tune from Dad's Song that got me. I really love this song. Oh and the sigh at the end, that really just,,, damn

Go To Bed Angry

This is such a BOP. I love thos chorus so much. This boy can sing are you fucking me rn? Goddddd her voice is so pretty. I cant wait to learn the lyrics to this song. GOD. The c h o r u s. She has such a nice voice. SHIT. I love this bridgeeeee. Their! Voices! Together! Fuck! Its like angels im not exaggerating even a little.

Stitch Me Up

Ohhhh this song's sweet. I really wanna know the lyrics to this song too. Who hurt him?? AAA i Love the instrumental to this song much. This guy,,, pls. I wanna fuckin DANCE to this song. I would love to hear this song live. SHIT the bridge is so GOOOD. ARE YOU KIDDINGGG FUCK. God that bridge kinda reminds me of Duality. Just a little. What a bop.

Raise No Fool

YESSS. i love this song soooo much. I love the fucking done with bullshit attitude. Also the "hey!" Love that. This chorus!!!! I wantttt tttoo hheeaarr iitt livvee. So fucking done i love it. Self respect love that. This song kinda reminds me of Tug of War SHIT WAIT THE BRIDGE. FUCKING SLAAYYYYY. Are we hearing the same songs rn?????? This is so fuckking gOOD. IM WHIPPING SO HARD OVER HERE. OH FUKC THE WAY IT JUST. ENDSSS FUCK ME UP

Lonely Dance

YESSSSS FUCK ME UP. IVE BEEN WAITING TO SCREAM ABT LONELY DANCE. My God. Im so in love with this song. As of right now, its my favorite song,, like ever. I just love it so much. YOU EVER HEAR A SONG YOU LOVE SO MUCH U JSUT CRY. I dont even know how to describe it. Its not like anything ive ever heard. I feels so blissful. FUKC THE BRIDGE. Its doesnt matter how muxh times i hear that bridge i get goosebumps evertime. AAAAAA I cant wait to hear this live im going to cry and die so hardddd

Different Songs

YES. FUCK I REALLLY LOVE THIS SONG. My GOD. The instrumentals of these song are you kidddding. AAAA I LOVVEEE THAT PRE CHORUS. I cant with to learn the lyrics to this song FUCK ME UP. Im so happy rn this is so good. I love this song. I love set it off. WHAT CHANGED WHAT CHANGED. YES FUKC. God none of this is going to be coherent. FUKC THE BRIDGE I LOVEEEEE SONGS WHERE THE YOU SING BACK LIKE LIFE AFRAID I WANNA HEAR THIS LIVVVVVVE. The last chorussssssssss UCKC. Please this is so good my heart is beating so fast im so happy rn im living

Criminal Minds

OOOOO. This song is sick. Its so unique ive honestly never heard and instrumental or chorus like this. GEEZ I LOVE THSI. Its so. Big. I cant describe it,,, powerful??? Its so good i know that much. I wanna dance my heart out to this song. "Nonononono drama" love that. MY GOD. I love the bridge i love this song

No Disrespect

Here we mf go,,,, THIS SONG IS SO GOOD. FUCK MEEEEEEE. DUDE. Ok this insramental FUCK that pre chorus AAAA thE CHORUS ITS GOING SO FAST. IM WHIPPING SO HARD TO THIS GUITAR. I wanna sing along to this soooo bad. FUKC are we hearing this rn are you hearing this DAMN. I would LOVE To hear this live. Im realizing im repeating myself a lot sorry not sorry FUKC THE BRIDGR. these lyricsss fuck mee upppp. YES. THE CHORUS SSSS THIS BOYE CAN FUCKING SINGGGGGG I LOVE THIS SONG SO FUCKING MUCH MY GOD IM CRING

Hourglass

I have to apologize ahead of time. Im going to actually have a heart attack while writing this. None of this will be coherent in the slightest here we go. FUCK I LOVE THIS SOMG SO MU CNN KSH. THIS INSTRAMENTAL ITS SO DARK WHAT FUCK ME EHAT ITS SOOO GOOOD. IT FEELS LIKE OLD SIO. ITS SO HAUNTING. MY GOD THE CHORUS I LOVE IT SO MUCH IM SHAKING PLEASE ITS SO GOOOOOOOOOOD. THIS SONG SO SCARY I LOVE IT SO MUCH ITS ALMOST THREATNING. THIS CHORUS IM ACTUALLY CRYING. I WANT. IT. LIVE. I WOULD DIEEEE. THIS INSTRAMENTAL. OH THE LA LA LA. FUCK ME UPP THIS CHORUS IM SO HAPPY ARE WE HEARING THE SAME THING ITS SO GOOOODDDD.

Midnight Thoughts

UFKC YEHA. I love this song so much. Also i relate a lot. Ohhhhhhh my god i love the instrumental. oOooooOOoOOOOOoOoo i love that part. Hooo strings. This song reminds me a lot of the Duality era. LOVE THAT. Its so,, pretty.. Oh my god on his live Instagram story, Cody said the little background vocals when the "OoOoooooOoooO" is going on, was meant to sound like a wolf howling at the moon. THATS SO COOL I LOVE LITTLE DETAILS LIKE TAHT. I love this songgg. OH BRIDGE. NOW THERES NO ESCAPING THE GHOOSSTTT. YEEEAA. Im having so much fun rn. Love it love this song

I Want You (Gone)

YES!!! This is sooo good. Its so mu ch fun. Could you imagine hearing this live. God i would have the time of my life. I would love to just jump and sing to this song. Its so,, bouncy. I love it. I love the chorus so much get rid of all those toxic people. DAY AFTER DAYYYT TAKING MY LIFE TALKING MY LIFE BACK. SOO GOOD. FUCKIGN CLARINET (I think¿) I LOVE IT BOP YES IM WHIPPING ITS FUCIK. I LOVE ITTT

Killer In The Mirror

Yesssssss. I remember when i first heard this song i was just in shock. Like you ever hear a song so good u just dont know what to do with yourself. Yeah. GOD THIS SONG SLAPSSS. Hearing this live was so fucking cool too im so greatful for that. YES I LOVE THE CHORUS. FUCKING BOP. Im so happy rn god. HO FUCK BRIDGE YES YES YES YES YE S. BEST BRIDGE FUCK. ME. UPPPPP. AAAAAAAGSJDJDHS. IM LIVINGNGNG. I Love this sonnnngggggg GOD

For You Forever

Yesssss. I love this song omg. When I try to describe this song the first word to come to mind is always "pretty". I just really like its pretty i love it so much. Its so chill and just sincere. I love it to death. Ohhhh MY GOD. sorry i just. Im so happy. BRIDGE. FuCK YEA. I LOOVVVEE THIS BRIDGE. Im sorry but not actually. Godd this song is song good fucking like actually gonna cry

Happy All The Time

Yes yes yes YES THIS SONGGG. ITS SOOO FUCKIGN FUN. Im having the time of my life this song is so GOOD. WHAT A BOP. IM CRYING OVER THE CHORUS I LOVE IT. "Its fine to not be happy all the time" I love that so much. AAA I WANNA SING ALONG TO THIS SONG. FUCK. ITS OKAY YOURE NOT CRAZY. OH FUCK THE FUCKING CHOIR ARE YOU KIDDINGGGGG ITS BEAUTIFUL LISTEN TO THEM ITS SO GOOD ANGELS ANGEL FROM HEAVEN ITS SO GOOD GOOSEBUMPS. GOD IM IN LOVE. LET IT OUT LET IT OUT LET IT OUT THE ENDING ITS SO CUTE IM SMILING SO HARD

Thats Midnight! LISTEN TO IT!! ITS SO GOOD IM ACTUALLY CRYIN RN IM SO PROUD OF MY BOYS IM SO EXCITED I CANT WAIT TO HEAR THESE SONG LIVE IM SO IN LOVE WITH ALL OF THEM IM THRIVING THANK YOU

[wildersage]

i have a lot of vague thoughts swimming around my head on how gone girl is About Gender but i cant really put them into words coherently rn :/ i think that this is a very important layer of interpretation for the book though and if you don't get that because you're not that aware of Gender it probably makes a whole lot less sense

[rhinointherain]

5-8-2020

Every coherent though is a chain of smaller thoughts Every (thought) is a combination of (feelings that you sense) Every (feeling that you sense) is an (amount of heat in a neuron) every (amount of heat in a neuron (degrees)) is a total sum of energy every total sum of energy is a neuron firing or not firing every neuron firing or not firing is the signal cells being released from the last neuron or not etc etc

Its all either off or on, one or zero, and the derivatives of them. It goes into the FOURTH dimension, the x axis is length (or time, the units) the y axis is x width (2d space) the z axis is x, height (3d space) and the other axis is derivative of x (4d space)

Every thing is a spectrum of itself underneath the 1

Each (x derivative) is an (x), each (x) is an (intergral/anti-derivative) of (x double intiderivative) and so on

Many peoples third eyes open within their lifetime, but only a fewer amount of people actually have the means tools etc to communicative what they understand effectively with the world and possibly harness it for productivity, which is what makes the difference between one of the greatest humans in history and a weird junkie

Kinda impressed by the fact that even despite having no language like this whatsoever to communicate with junkies can find a way to express these things in a way that other people whove gone through it can somehow recognize it

Or maybe they dont recognize what im recognizing at all, they are just communicating other more sensory aspects of “it” (act of third eye being open) and the people whose third eyes actually opened recognize these aspects

I can do anything now if only i remember what this was/is like. I can succeed in any field because I understand how all of them work in principal. Or at least if i remember what i recognize now well enough and can decipher it with enough focus to find a coherent way to use it

Being smart is the ability to recall them more quickly or the ability to understand their connections with each other better or understand them on a “lower” level ( the integral of x, x being thought). Maybe there is no “third eye opening” but its just that you get down on a level few people ever do. But there is no bottom it is an infinity of x into itself, also known as x derivative of x over x intergral of x

Hang on im starting to think of aspects of this i dont understand. Like what are coderivatives or whatever you call them. I cant understand where they fit into this because i dont remember exactly what they are. And time and space being two different dimensions (x and y) or space (y) being the derivative of time (x) oh wait that is exactly what im trying to say, i feel like it could be easier if writing by hand bc i could draw actual derivative symbols instead of counting on words u can type to express what im trying to say

(Wrote this last but put it here bc of organization) Remember this to help you understand: it isnt a chain bc its not just a line its in multiple dimensions. I.E. space. But it is because neurons fire in a chain I.E. time. We can only measure one direction in time but three in space.

Ok this is gonna make me sound even crazier as if I wasnt sounding crazy already. But time travel is not “movement” (one point to another) in the fourth x dimension aka 4th derivative of x (which would be to us like a wormhole), it’s movement in derivative of y? I think y, maybe i have this wrong. Neurons are oriented in space time. The amount of energy they have in them, their location in space (x,y,z coordinates), their location in time (along the x dimension) are all ways to describe the “point” they occupy in all dimensions. (Is the space time continuum represented by the x times xyz space section of all dimensions?)

Time travel is not just derivative of x, which is moving forward aka to the future, but integral of x which is moving “backward” in time aka the past

So not only can you move “outside” i e 4th derivative of x aka the fourth dimension of space (i didnt finish this thought. earlier and am trying to remember deeply enough what it said. It looked like it was a summary of the main idea that not only “” , but also you can move y derivates .” So you actually have an infinite number of dimensions being the derivative of one another in an infinite number of directions)

When they said everythings a fractal that was real

Things go in every direction all at once. And all those things go in every direction of their direction, which is infinitely more times greater than the first “every direction all at once” (which was infinity). Do you understand?

Good god. How did they figure this out. Like when you see media depictions of being high like tool album covers and stuff they have all that fractal stuff and when a sci fi movie wants to convey something deep the zoom in on the molecules until it looks like the universe zoomed out. They understand at least some aspect of this idea.

If i actually wanted my realization to be a groundbreaking thing i would probably need to spend a lot of years trying to convince people i wasnt crazy and only if i eventually effectively communicate my ideas across and spend a lot of time and energy to would it actually later seem like i were a tragic genius rather than a crazy person. also id need to try to hold on how i felt like when i was high for so long it would have a chance of disrupting my mental health/ability to function in society (same thing obvs) and driving me toward like hard drugs and that would not be good

Its so hard to explain the fourth dimension like i really dont think i could try to draw a representation of it like some people do (those cube things, i cant remember what theyre called), my conception of it is a lot more mathematical and verbal. But i still am pretty certain I understand it whether un-high me believes me or not

When youre trying to think about this stuff and you look away at your environment and think about memories and do other complex things that require much deeper chains of neurological communications in order to process them, it becomes a lot harder to focus in on these ideas because the complex things require a much higher/broader/vaguer level of though (higher broader vaguer being words we can use to try to understand what it means to be on a “higher level” as in OUTSIDE OF, DERIVATIVE OF X, IN THE FOURTH DIMENSION etc, just as like (above) and (below) describe location along the z axis if you think of the xy plane aka z equals zero as the “ground” and above means positive z and below means negative z.)

Its going to be harder than i thought to communicate this when sober lol but its still nice i was able to experience it lol

Other things to mention 1. Up until this point (but not after), some pieces of text are out of order than they were written, usually the paragraphs were all written together though not always 2. I wasn’t hallucinating per se but I understand how they work now bc some of the things in the corners of my vision, where my eyes are giving less attention to their light receptors, I’m seeing things off from how they actually are: I turn toward them and perceive them normally but when I turn away and theyre in the corner of my vision i see the distortion again. Its not like scary hallucinations or anything like for example I perceived a giant black slab like in space odyssey in place of the dark doorway, or a wall where there wasnt one. Its because my brain was focusing/thinking in different ways than its used to and so its less sensitive to the type of information it usually takes in from its environment and its interpretations of it are less precise and thus not entirely “correct”. Its a really interesting way of thinking about what it is that you actually notice and perceive. Like the experiment where they switch out the person asking for directions and the majority of people dont actually notice its a difference person

Yeah ok i cant really write much more bc im significantly less high rn, I could sit here the whole rest of the time and try to make sure I understand all this well enough each time I get less high but I really don’t feel like doing that its like, drifting farther and farther away and taking more effort to really grasp it with each drift towards sobriety and while thinking about how I might not understand all this stuff soon I’m tired lol and I appreciate the experience. Anyway yeah

More things I was thinking in the shower: Everything is a direction? And so everything is a dimension? Not just in space or time, thats only one section of it which can be described by a “shape” with three dimensions in the space orientation and one in the time orientation. All categories are their own dimension. In any given moment you are at an intersection of a certain (point) on [the shape representing the space time continuum] and all the other infinities

Question. Does the idea of god fit into all of this. “Who is doing the moving”—that would be god? “What is “moving””, etc. ? If “everything” is all infinities of infinities and this goes on infinitely, there is no possible way to be “outside” that infinity. Therefore you cant possibly “move” it all bc movement requires a force, and that force cant come from “outside” of it so therefore it all “moves” itself? How accurate is the term “movement” to describe what i am referring to? Which is our existence. Aka where the space time continuum is oriented within the “everything”. And by extent, where we ourselves are oriented within the space time continuum. I feel like i could represent this well with a 3d image. We are each our own space time continuum? With all this being understood i believe there is no possible way for us as humans to answer the question of whether there is a god, or what god is. I could be wrong about this but I dont think I personally would be able to. Same with the question of free will. The two are definitely interrelated. I feel like the ideas ive been saying can provide a different framework for talking about questions like this about god and free will and stuff, but the new framework would have to be engaged with/understood more fully in order to get any answers significantly more substantial than what we as humans have already.

“Third eye opening” is what i refer to this experience as but thats just an expression. The eye opening metaphor doesnt hold up super well when i actually think about what i mean by it. What i mean is the moment that you started to understand existence {in a certain way}, more “deeply”/“outside of just perceiving the space time continuum. But i dont think it actually necessarily refers to a specific threshold thats being passed, i just feel like ive reached a level today that is noteworthy because of how much i am able to understand. {In a certain way} is purposefully vague because again im not really sure if there is a threshold for what that certain way actually is, or how you might determine it. Its more that i reached a significant level of understanding existence today. But when people talk about the “third eye being open”, and they actually mean it, this is definitely in the realm of what they mean. Out of all the people in the world who make claims about having their “third eye open”, probably not very many of them mean something similar as i do when I talk about my experience of the third eye being open.

I was thinking about some other stuff as i was lying in bed i didnt write it down unfortunately as i was thinking it but i think it was pretty much repetitions of earlier ideas but elaborated in slightly different ways. overall the final thought was that in sum here are was that i not only can finally conceive of the idea of the fourth (spatial) dimension properly, but i also finally understand that the spatial dimensions are only one tiny “branch” of the many infinities of dimensions that branch into infinitely more infinities of dimensions. I understand now what is meant by “space time continuum” in relation to “everything else”. Oh one other thought i do remember having is that human “religion” (we talked in one my classes how difficult that word is to define) has very little to do with the actual god questions, i.e. what god is and what movement is and how god “works”, but not absolutely nothing to do with them. It’s our (humans’) very very very imprecise way of trying to address these questions.

And one other final thing. My first instinct was to spend hours thinking about how to best and most precisely communicate my understanding so that other people (and sober me) can understand it. I don’t understand why thats what I immediately jumped to doing and still feel the urge to do, when I could much more easily have decided that I was content with just understanding it myself and spending the rest of life knowing that I now have this special knowledge. I always thought i saw knowledge for the sake of knowledge as the ultimate pursuit but I guess I also have the drive to apply it somehow. I wonder if this is true for everyone on some level or not. Oh yes I also had been thinking about how difficult human language is to express what I’m trying to say because its not really equipped for it. like i just want to put quotations around every single word because words are just approximations for the ideas they are trying to express even when talking about ideas that our language is actually designed to describe, not even to mention trying to talk about stuff that it isnt. math concepts (even the few that I actually know anything about) are super super helpful to me in trying to think about and communicate these ideas and now I completely understand what people mean when they say that math is our best bet for being able to communicate with extraterrestrial intelligent life seeing as we have no way of knowing how other beings might perceive information. Wait a minute. Whos even to say that even if our definition of “life” didnt ever evolve anywhere else in the universe, there couldn’t be something else that wasn’t “alive” by this strict definition but not exactly “not alive” either. Like it didnt have “cells” exactly like earth organisms but it was somehow distinct from “not alive” things just like earth organisms are. Like the same way that viruses are neither alive nor not alive.

That article i had to read in cog sci about the “levels of understanding” (i.e. sociology is an abstraction of psychology is an abstraction of biology is an abstraction of chemistry is an abstraction of physics) is something that can fit into this understanding and probably led me to it too, seeing as I have thought about it a good deal since when i read it a few years ago. “...Is an abstraction of” is kinda like saying “is the derivate of”. Or is it like saying “is the integral of”, sorry I’m getting really tired.

Is “How” the integral of “what”, or the derivative?

Ok NOW i am going to actually sleep and instead of trying to think about this more i am going to be content with the fact that i now have all this knowledge.

Your neurons take a snapshot

Even if i am right about all this there isnt actually a point in conveying it and making it understood by other people. Even if it is an extraordinary feat to be able to understand all this it wont be seen as extraordinary (whatever that means) unless enough other people can understand it well enough to understand its significance, or someone who does understand it can make it relevant in some way to the rest of humanity and the functioning of society. I can wake up tomorrow and choose to say “lol i was so high and just rambling nonsense” and choose never to engage with these ideas again and go about my life like normal, or i can take on the burden of choosing to believe they are real, and then deciding whether i need to make them and their significance known (I dont even know if i know what their “significance” is, or if they have one). I dont know which one would overall be the better thing to do.

[thathumanwiththecatears]

here have an extremely long post because i started typing everything I was thinking. It is one of my longest posts it almost 1,000 words (well as long as i dont add more to the end rn which i might)

there are so many things I want to talk about, and so many opinions that i have, and so many things that just feel like they deserve so much time and consideration. But then when I struggle to create fully coherent thoughts, at least to an extent where I find them acceptable to share, I just give up on them. Im so “all or nothing” that it is frustrating; not only for me but also for people around me, I would assume. 

While I always have tons of things on my mind and I think carefully about everything (most of the time) I end up leaving out so much information when attempting to explain myself and I stop trying to put my thoughts into words. I also do this thing where. I feel the need to have everything I want to say all at once and all planned out together; so I cant just say part of my thoughts and then add on to them, I have to like, fully complete my thought. Then if too much time has passed since this thought started then I feel like there is no point in discussing it anymore; it has already been moved away from and it would seem odd to go back to it. 

This is also the reason why I have so many posts in my drafts, because if I dont feel like they are /enough/ or that I dont understand something completely or that any part could be taken incorrectly, that I just shouldnt post it at all. But then I never go back and read those posts and finish my thoughts. 

The number of essays I could write about things is astronomical, but the amount of information I put out is just sad. This is especially true in a class, like if we are talking about something, while I may have very profound thoughts about the subject matter I will not input any information for the reason of A) fear of being wrong and B) because I am afraid I wont be able to fully articulate what I would like to say. While I am able to have thoughts in my head, it is much harder to get these thoughts out.

One instance where this is obvious is in how I write vs how I talk, and not just in a speaking vs typing way, but in a writing something like this vs communicating with another person/people. when writing like this my vocabulary changes, I have a tendency to use big words and sound like I am smarter and like I understand things better, where as when I am talking I tend to use a rather small vocabulary, my tone is very relaxed and seems less concerned, and even I would say makes me seem like I dont really understand things. 

While sometimes I in fact dont understand things, most of the time I do, to an extent; I understand enough to /get/ it, but not enough to explain it. The saying that you dont understand something unless you can explain it to a child I guess could apply here and say that I dont really understand it then, but I do at least pick up the information and have it in my head being processed. 

It takes me kind of a long time to process information, I will usually hear something, and then repeat it a few times in my head before being able to fully understand it, or if it is in the form of text I tend to read things over and over. While yes the first time I got it on the basic level, I dont really feel like I understand it fully until I read it a few times. 

So then in a situation where quick responses are needed I am unable to perform because of the amount of time spent both comprehending information and then trying to form my own thoughts and opinions in a way that I find best for the situation.

And as I type now I am literally just typing everything that comes into my mind, in the order it comes into my mind using the language that is natural for me. On essays I have been accused of plagiarism because of how different my writing is to how I speak and act. But the way I speak and act is actually the part that is more made up or fake or even really stolen. 

I absorb the energy of a situation and with that I put out the energy that I believe matches. If you went through my messages, there is such a difference in how I talk to different people its almost like I am in fact different people. I occasionally will slip up but not really enough for someone to notice, just enough for me to notice. 

Because I walked away from this I now have a new train of thought, which is that some of these behaviors, as I have been told, are signs of autism. And while I cannot confirm that I am autistic, as I have never been, would you say tested? I would not doubt that I am. When studying the subject I found many things I related to but there were also some things that I did not relate to. 

I have a 6 year old cousin who most definitely is autistic, and when I compare him to me I tend to see many differences so that causes some doubt that I myself am autistic, but I know there is like a whole spectrum per se of what are autistic behaviors. I also know it is a lot about how your brain functions and the fact that people with autism think in a different way, I just dont know if that is the way in which I think. I would like to know if I was or was not, but it really doesnt matter to me because whether or not I am aware of this changes absolutely nothing.