#i have like 2 more weeks to finish that survivor drawing so in the meantime i wanna do another thing

[copepods]

i am once again drawing pictures

[sweetdollfromhell]

Chilling Tales of Riverdale

Chapter 3 of a old fanfic but stil alive that is a mix of Riverdale, CAOS and Archie horror. Located in season 2 and will have differences with the canon for both shows. I hope you like it.

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Sabrina joyfully led Jughead and Betty through the forest with a familiarity that showed her knowledge of the area.  From time to time, Jughead's eye clung to one of his famous fetishes or an inscription carved in a tree but they did not seem to be placed in a sufficiently coherent way to serve as an indication. The cat trotted near them without the slightest fear.

-Your cat, did you find it here or did you already have it? Betty asked as she looked at the animal.

-Oh, Salem? I've had it since I was a little girl. He's... my best friend," said the girl.

-Is he that old? Asked surprise Betty. -It doesn't look like you're seeing it.

The cat slowed down to walk at the same speed as Betty and began to purr.

-He buried us all, believe me.

Suddenly, she stopped and turned towards the other two:

-Dear guests, mi casa! Proudly presenting Sabrina.  

In front of them stood a family tent. Close to it, a kind of clothesline, a space for a campfire and a cooler half buried in the ground. If we forget the terrifying grey grays, we would have thought that a family or a group of friends were doing a normal wilderness camping.  

-Come on, we'll be more comfortable inside. I mean, it smells a bit like it's closing because I have to let the tent close with the temperature going down but it's clean and pleasant otherwise! The girl continued as she unzipped the tent.

-You live in the woods and you just helped us. I think we can handle it," says Jughead.

He had lived in a drive-in for weeks before he found himself squatting in school, he wasn't going to be so picky for that little.

The tent was indeed clean if not a little cluttered. A sleeping bag and some blankets were lying in a corner. Several bags were resting, some leaving objects that had escaped from them. In another, a kind of tablecloth had been installed with several objects on top: books, a small cauldron, several small knives, jars and dried plants. This last element caught Betty's eye. What was it for him? If it was done in Jughead's eyes, he also had questions.

Meanwhile, in the meantime. Sabrina pulled out some clothes and put them together in a semblance of pillows and opened the sleeping bag to spread it along.

-You should be comfortable like this. So, you suspect that my reserves are limited but I can offer you water, tea and a few cans of soft drink.  For something more consistent, I have dry meat, preserves, some wild vegetables, apples, walnut bars, rice, soup, dehydrated stuff and good chip packages, chocolates and candies taken from vending machines.

-Uh... the tea sounds good, says Betty.

-For the food that suits you, Jughead continued despite Betty's look.

-Okay, I'll be back," Sabrina said enthusiastically before going outside.

Betty turned to Jughead.

-We can't leave her here! We have to take him to Riverdale!

-Betty, I think she's here by choice. I agree that it's not ideal, but she probably has her reasons. You're not going to convince her to follow you easily. And maybe it's for the best. She's hiding something...," said Jughead, continuing to observe the objects in the background. - Her story about her decorations is shady and she was too comfortable with her attack. It's not his first time.

-I know, but I think it may not be motivated by bad intentions. You and Polly were also homeless. And neither of you trusted anyone to ask for help for a reason. All I see is a girl our age living in the woods when the temperature keeps dropping, a killer is free and desperate enough to stay there anyway. In addition, she has helped us by putting her life on the line and she shares her resources, which are probably few in number.

Before Jughead could reply, the cat entered the tent closely followed by his mistress. She placed a metal plate between them before placing a teapot on it and holding cups out to them.

-Fortunately, there are only two of you, otherwise I would have run out of cups.

-You were quick," said surprised Jughead.

-Well, when you're stuck in the woods, you learn to make a fast and big fire without hurting yourself. I also have a great hot plate," Sabrina says proudly.

She deposited a plate filled with several apples, chips, bars, sweets and carrots.

-Thank you, that's very kind of you," Betty continued.

-Oh, it's nothing. I am very happy to have company other than Salem's.

The cat, as if to show his anger at his mistress' commentary, climbed onto Betty's lap and lay there.

-You're not allergic, are you?  

-No, I even had a cat when I was younger, Betty said as she stroked the animal, which immediately began to purr.

-Better yet, he's very social!

 -Are these wild carrots? Asked Jughead.

-Yes, not hemlock, I reassure you," said amused Sabrina. -These two plants are very similar, it's true, but a few key differences can save you from ending up like Socrates or the idiot from On the Road. One, there is a beautiful crown of leaves under the flowers like thorns in wild carrots. Two, its flowers are white or pink pale except in its center or grows a single red flower sometimes almost black. And finally, three, the smell is very different. The hemlock one can't even pass for a carrot from far away.

She laughs when she sees the surprised looks of the other two.

-I like the woods and it's not my first-time camping in the wild. I knew what I was doing when I moved here," she continued, taking one of the carrots to prove her point.

-Have you been a jeannette? Asked Betty.

-Oh, God, no. My family is just... very natural. I come from a long line of midwives, apothecaries, healers and snake oil sellers. This is no longer necessary nowadays, but old knowledge can sometimes be useful. We know how to feed, heal and protect ourselves. Nature is full of gifts for anyone who knows how to see them. Hence my material there, she continued, pointing to the tablecloth and its contents.

-My guides, knives and other instruments to prepare my food, remedies and traps. I have to be self-sufficient if you want to know.

- Oh, is that why? Asked Betty.

-Uh... yeah. What do you think it was?

-Just curious, cut them off, Jughead. -Where do the chocolate bars come from?

-Oh, that, promise me you won't be angry. There's some kind of camping grounds a few miles from here. It's empty and the lock leaves something to be desired. The electricity is out but the water is not. I do my laundry and take a shower there.

-But it must be freezing! Says Betty.

-It's not so bad and I told you, I'm pretty much cold resistant. I usually warm up afterwards with a fire in the appropriate locations. But I need to save my parts for the washer and dryer, but there was this vending machine who catch my eyes . I may or may not have hit it until it gives me its content. But the glass is intact!

-So, you too have discovered the weaknesses that made them drop their loot," said Jughead amused.

-Do I have to guess that you know them too? Sabrina asked, reassured.

-I may have some experience in this," said the young man.

Betty was surprised that Jughead seemed willing to let such information slip into a similar situation. Happy... she believed.

-Besides, if you ever want to use your phone, I'll take you to camp. I think he has a connection because it was written on one of the signs.

-Good idea, I look forward to seeing what you say to your mother, Bet.

-The truth. Just tell him I was in a car rather than a motorcycle, don't talk about the Ghoulies and just say we couldn't find a network," says Betty.

-Ghoulies? What is it? What is it? Sabrina asked.

-The gang members, Betty explained. -The boys who were chasing us were part of it.

-Are you serious? Ghoulies is their gang name? It sounds like the name of a brand a cheap of Halloween costumes for kids! mocked Sabrina. -I mean, I'm sure they're dangerous, but they could have forced themselves for the name! Why, are they after you?

-Why do you live in the woods? Jughead replied.

-Good repartee, conciliated Sabrina.

Betty decided to come back to the charge.  

-I don't know if you know, but there's a serial killer on the loose.

-Maybe I heard it between branches without any pun intended, Sabrina confirmed. -But the details are unclear: what is his type and what does his hunting table look like?

She could have asked them if they wanted more tea than her tone would not have seemed more disturbed by the question.

-He... he calls himself the Black Hood, Betty began.  -He wounded three people and killed one. He claims he's getting rid of sinners.

Betty kept the calls to herself.

-I sees. A maniac with a twisted and personal sense of morality, the oldest scourge in the world. But his average is not very high, unless the survivors were particularly gifted and lucky people. Or maybe only some are important, and the rest is a diversion, Sabrina continued to think aloud. -All in all, it's nice to know. I will be careful," she smiled.

-There's a serial killer on the loose and you're going to be careful? Betty asked, repeating her words as if to convince herself of what she was hearing.

-What are my other options?

-Coming to town, Betty replied. -You'll be safer.

Sabrina looks at her like she's crazy before answering:

-No. I'll be screwed if I go into town! You might as well draw a giant target on my back!  

-I...

-Your serial killer probably hangs out more in town than in the middle of the woods! All that's going to happen is that people are going to ask questions and it's going to come back to me!

-You don't have to...

-A what? I have some money, but there's no one who'll rent to a minor! I don't have a phone and if I have to find a job, who will want to hire me without references? I'm going to be noticed and then they're going to send me back...

She could not even finish her sentence; the terror being displayed on her features.

-I can't go back, I can't!

The cat had risen from Betty's knees to climb on Sabrina's knees and Sabrina squeezed the animal, which rather than trying to free itself, allowed itself to do so without resistance. Betty looked horrified at the girl. She didn't want to cause such a panic.

-I'm sorry, calm down! Look, I'm sure we can find something...

-Would your parents be comfortable letting a girl and her cat you've known for less than an hour sleep on their couch? Mockingly asked for this one. -I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I don't have any other options. And between having to go in there or taking the 0.01% chance that a serial killer will attack me, I take the killer without hesitation and with full knowledge of the facts.

-Is it that bad? Asked Betty.

Sabrina nodded, her face haunted.

Betty watched Sabrina disconcerted, not knowing what to say. Jughead, for his part, fights what his heart and head told him. And for a rare time, his mind was not the winner.

-I live alone," he said. -I'm supposed to live with a host family, but I managed to move back to my father's caravan. It's small but there's heating, hot water and even internet. You can sleep in the room and I'll take the couch.

-Are you serious? Asked the two girls in heart.

-Yes," said Jughead, already regretting. -I'll get you a padlock for the room, but I reserve the right to kick you out if you stick carrion to the walls.

Sabrina looked with an expression of shock that turned into joy.

-Thank you! Thank you so much. And don't worry, I intend to pay back this kindness. I can give you a small rent with whoever I have left and pay the rest in the kitchen, cleaning, laundry, home remedy for hangovers, make your choice!

-Just try to respect my privacy and keep the place clean! Says Jughead wondering how quickly he would regret his words.

-Promise! But I insist on participating in one way or another! Can Salem come?

-Can you have him do his business outside like a dog?

Sabrina nodded.

-He is welcome.

-And if it's ever too hard, I'm sure I can probably convince my mother to let me take a cat. Especially a nice one like that, Betty said as she stroked the animal.

-Oh don't let him fool you, he can be a little brat when he wants, Sabrina mocked. -I'll give you back your kindness too, Betty," she says so seriously this time.

-You don't need to do that, Betty assured me.

-But of course, it is. Goodness must be rewarded in a world like ours, so let us encourage it!

-Speaking of which, I may have another condition," says Jughead.

-Make me an offer," said Sabrina.

Betty suddenly had a thrill. Her expression had changed, the more a panicky kid in her place, she felt like she was seeing something else that was totally different. Cold and in control.

-You're running away from what? I don't want details, just to know if I should expect the police to knock on my door," says Jughead.

Sabrina observed him for a long time without speaking before finally speaking.

-I have serious family problems. And if you're afraid that I'll attract unwanted people, know that I'm waiting for a sign from another branch of my family tree. I'll go with her if everything goes well or I'll manage otherwise. If you want more, then you'll have to open up for me. An equivalent exchange.

The choice of words troubled Betty and she knew that her boyfriend would pull a tooth out alive before delivering personal information to a stranger. Well done.

-All right. I don't know if there's room for everything," said Jughead looking at the contents of the tent.

-I can bury some of it and come back for it later.

-Or we could ask Veronica or Archie if they could put them in their garages, Betty continued.

-I would like to thank them if that is the case. You too, Betty.

-So, I think the issue is settled. Do you think you can pack a bag right now and be ready to go tonight? If it works for you too, Jug, of course!

-It's all right," said Jughead.

-I don't know, I'd like to leave nothing to be abandoned. I have traps and other things that it would be a bad idea to leave it like that," Sabrina continued uncomfortably.

-Take us to the camp so we can call and see if you can do it, otherwise we'll come back tomorrow to get the rest, Betty suggested.

Sabrina nodded and pointed in one direction:

-Walk this way, the network should eventually appear. No need to go to the camp for that. I'm starting to tidy up my things. I can give you a compass or Salem if you're afraid of getting lost.

- I don't think the cat is an animal that can guide people, at best they eat the bodies of lost people," said Jughead.

-Oh, he's brilliant and he listens to me occasionally," Sabrina reassured Sabrina. -Show them Salem how great you are.

Salem advanced towards them and to Jughead's surprise began to walk in front of them but at a slow pace as if they were to follow him.

-He's really trained," Jughead continued surprised. -Did you know it was possible?

-No, I've always been told that cats understand but don't listen. Note, it may be a particular breed. I don't know of any cat that would be more than ten years old and still look like that either.

Betty looked at her phone and smiled:

-I have a signal! I'll be able to call Archie and my mother after!

-Perfect. Bet, would you mind if I went all the way to see this camp she's talking about? continued the young man.

-Uh... no, but why?

-I'd just like to know why she didn't move there. A summer camp seems a better alternative than in the middle of the forest.

-Okay, I'll follow you," Betty said, dialing the number and then taking her hand. 

The camp looked like it had just come out of a horror movie and Jughead could have considered this a credible reason to abandon it if Sabrina had not surrounded his own decoration camp that would have been in their place in American Horror Story. Another detail was the heavy padlock that blocked the main entrance. She said she had forced him but not that she had replaced him afterwards. It was a lot of work for a little bit. Unless she climbed the fence? As feasible but ironed with equipment? Especially since the content could be damaged if she simply throws it over the fence, assuming she has the strength to do so.

In the background, he could hear Betty's conversation. Archie was not difficult to convince to come and get them and their new acquaintance. The conversation with her mother was of a completely different nature. Jughead could hear the sound of the Coopers' tone rising to a hysterical level. It seems he would probably have to go up to Betty's window if he wanted to see her again this year.  

-Are you all right? He asked, although he suspected the answer.

-It's all right," said Betty, trying to calm down.  -Did you find anything?

-Only more questions.

-If you've changed your mind....

-No, it's okay. It's okay. I'm not going to pretend that I'm excited about having a roommate, but that's the best solution right now.

-I wonder what she's running from," says Betty. - I don't think she was exaggerating. She seems really scared.

-Neither do I. I doubt a little more about the part about a family member coming to pick her up. Maybe she just said that, so I could leave her alone.

(Or maybe she hopes he'll come and get her) thought Jughead, remembering his own mother. If that were true, he was going to wish her that it would work.

-Going back to see if she was finished, he decided, no longer wanting to think about Gladys Jones.

 When they returned, Sabrina had unpacked the tent and gathered her possessions into three bags. She had also changed, now wearing jeans, army boots, a pink sweater but had kept her hoodie.  

-I buried part of it in a camouflaged hatch. I'll bring the rest with me unless it's too big. In that case, maybe I can leave one here.

-Do you have a cage for the cat? Asked Betty.

-No need. It may be on my lap or I would put it in a bag with an opening for air, it is used to it, Sabrina proudly said.

-Is it a cat or a stuffed animal? Asked Jughead as he looked at the cat.

-Sometimes I wonder, recognized Sabrina as the cat was coming back to her.

-Do you want us to help? Asked Betty.

-I... yeah, if you don't mind.

Sabrina handed Betty her broom and one of her bags to Jughead, keeping the backpack and a large wheeled suitcase.

- Which road? Sabrina asked.

-669, Betty replied.

Without hesitation Sabrina walked in the direction of it as the two followed.

 Once out of the woods, Jughead took his bike and dragged it towards them, hoping he could take it back to town. Fortunately, their wait was not too long just fifteen minutes before Archie's old car appeared.  

-Hello Bet, Jug," Archie began.

- Hey Archie, thanks again for helping us out!  Says Betty happy to see a familiar face.

-Hey, Arch. You think I can tie it up after your car? Asked Jughead as he showed his bike.

-I suppose, said Archie hesitant.

He didn't like any sign of the Serpent with his friend, even as simple as his means of transport. He went out despite the help to load the bike.

-Hello, you must be Sabrina? Says Archie smiling at the newcomer.

Sabrina nodded and approached Archie cautiously.

-Hello, who are you?

-Archie Andrew, to serve you, replied the amused one, reaching out to him.

Sabrina took it and squeezed it.

-Nice to meet you, Archie.

-And you? Archie asked.

-Me what?

-Your last name?

- Betty and Jugheand didn't give me their last names, Sabrina replied

-It's Cooper for me and Jones for Jughead, says Betty.

She seemed hesitant before saying:

-Spellman. My name is Sabrina Spellman.

-Like the singer? Archie asked.

-I don't think we're related but we write it the same ways. And this is Salem," continued the white hair girl, holding the cat.

-Oh yes, your cat! You don't have a cage, Archie remarked.

-He will be quiet, I swear, Sabrina promised.

-His cat is obedient enough, Betty said to reassure him.

-And he will lie on the floor at the first sign of a siren, Sabrina promised. -He's used to it.

-In this case, Archie gave in.

Archie opened the trunk but rather than handing it over, Sabrina placed it herself, taking the sports bag from Jughead's hands and placing it too.  She went to take the broom from Betty's hands when she asked her the question:

-Are you sure it will fits?

-But of course, you just have to place it in the right angle, smiled Sabrina.

To Betty's surprise, she actually managed to get her in without any difficulty.

-I sits in which seat? She asked.

-The boys could sit in the front and we both in the back. Is that okay with you?

Sabrina nodded and sat down with the animal lying on her lap next to her bag, which she put between Betty and her.

 -So, how long were you in the woods? Asked Betty.

-Maybe a two weeks. I didn't really count, Sabrina admitted.  

-You know there's... Archie started.

-A serial killer? Yes. Betty and Jughead told me. He's not as scary as the werewolf on the highways yet, but still.

-From what? Asked Jughead.

-The werewolf on the highways, I know, the name sucks, but at least he has an excuse for not choosing him. There was a serial killer in the sixties in the area. He picks up women on the highway always in the same order near the highways of cities in the region, including Riverdale. Everything was good, from the kid to the old lady, from the pastor's wife to the prostitute. Raped, tortured and eventually killed. They never caught him, but the consensus is that he was probably a truck driver. And he must be dead because guys like him don't stop like that. With any luck, he suffered.

-I've never heard that story," says Jughead surprised.

-Oh, despite his violence, he didn't make too many waves at the time. People believed in isolated incidents and cities communicated with each other far too late. But if you google it, you should find something. People think he had at least 29 victims, although some think he has more than 47, but even then, it's hard to be sure. Strangely enough, the Riverdale reaper is more celebrated than him when he only killed one family.

-Only?" asked Jughead, raising an eyebrow.

Sabrina laughed nervously.

-I'm sorry to be so morbid. Let's talk about lighter stuff. Do you like pastries? I could do you a little something to thank you! What you want: cupcake, muffin, French toast, pie...

-My friend Veronica loves to cook," says Betty. -Personally, I only know the basics.

- I'm sure you have other equally useful talents," says Sabrina.

-Betty is an excellent mechanic," says Jughead.

-Wow, that's impressive! Sabrina continued. - I can't do it without help.

-Not as much as it looks! And I think that impressive question, you're pretty much yourself. Surviving alone in the woods must have been hard. Not to mention the Ghoulies.

-This is my natural environment. I was pretty good, I was just feeling a little lonely. And the Ghoulies didn't have a chance on my field.  I wouldn't be so confident in the city.

-But you're not alone in town, Betty continued.

-I suppose... Sabrina said hesitantly.

Betty tried to make her keep talking.

- Do you work out?

-Kind of like everyone else at school. My best friend was a cheerleader, so I tried to please her, but it wasn't for me. She ended up dropping out anyway for more social activities as well. I like the arts, for example! I have done singing, dancing, piano and theatre. I also started a social club with her.

-Archie is a musician and a singer too, says Betty.

-Oh, yeah? Says Sabrina suddenly interested. ¸

-He even wrote songs," said Jughead.

-I would like to have a career in music, recognized Archie.

-That's cool! Are you also musicians?

-No, I prefer to write and the same for Betty," Jughead continued.

-Veronica sings for example, Betty continued.  

-Is she your best friend? Sabrina asked with candor.

-Yes, but on a par with Kevin.

Betty's heart will then be remembering their fight. She understood his anger, but she never wanted him hurt. Kevin could have a boyfriend or twelve that he changed every week, she didn't care, all she wanted was for him to be safe.

-Veronica tried to calm him down, clumsily tried Archie

Betty forced herself to smile and nodded.

-He needs time, I understand.  Besides, I probably won't be able to see many people with my mother.  

-Is she angry? Sabrina asked for an anxious expression on her face.

-Yes, but it's all right, don't worry. In fact, we have arrived!

Jughead got out of the car with Archie taking Sabrina's luggage out of the trunk.

-Are you going to be all right to carry everything? Archie asked.

-Of course. You, go bring Betty back before her mother sends the Sheriff after us.

-Good point.

The two friends greeted each other, and Betty took her head out of the window to share a kiss with Jughead. The car then left the mobile home park. Jughead picked up the sports bag and swept it up while Sabrina put her backpack back and dragged her suitcase. The cat followed them as he trotted.

-Come on, I'll show you which one.

-Thank you again. I know you don't really want to get in my way, but you do it out of generosity. I'm not going to make you regret it.

-If you don't want to make me regret it, stop talking about it.

-Okidoki.

As they advanced towards the caravan, Jughead recognized several silhouettes waiting for him in front of the entrance. Sabrina, seeing her expression changing, asked a question:

-Are you going to introduce me to them or should I get my broom back?  

[brooklyn-queer]

Alright, below the cut is a long thing that I want to put somewhere in the web abyss but since I don’t really use my tumblr anymore/don’t really know anyone on tumblr I figure this is as fine a place as any to put it

Some people knew I used to get too fucked up at parties but did they know about the constant weed smoking, the straight everclear shots alone in my room, the Valium, the keyboard cleaner, the paint sniffing, the LSD, the binging and purging, the sex and love addiction, the Adderall, the snorting caffeine pills?

How every other Friday, I would spend my entire bi-weekly paycheck on booze and drugs?

How I pawned my camera, my most prized possession, for drug money?

How I borrowed cash for food and spent it on booze?

or the nights i drank rotten hooch stored under my bed when I didn’t have money?

the nights i drank vinegar because I didn’t have any more hooch?

the nights i drank vanilla extract because I ran out of vinegar?

the nights I drank hand sanitizer because I ran out of vanilla extract?

Did anyone know that I hadn’t had a sober conversation with them in years?

Who am I kidding? plenty of people suspected I was an addict. the only people bold and caring enough to address it with me had to face my drunken angry tantrums.

I was sick. I was so fucking sick. In highschool, my friends nicknamed me “Sunshine” because I radiated joy and optimism. I laughed until I cried, I was always there for my friends, I was a good listener, I was kind. I had many skills and I worked tirelessly to perfect my crafts. Once I started using everything began to unravel. I desperately entered competitions to prove that I could still perform. A blue ribbon meant I wasn’t worthless, right? I obsessively sought romance and sex in places I shouldn’t have because I needed to prove I was still lovable. I compulsively badgered my friends to prove that I wasn’t isolating myself in my using. All the things I did before for enjoyment or for others became about Me and gaining validation that I wasn’t losing my fucking mind.

I thought about my rapist and my rape every minute of the day. Everything triggered the thoughts: cars, mens bathrooms, belt buckles, Owl City songs, glasses, haircuts--it was fucking insanity. When I wasn’t reliving my rape, I was mentally playing out future rapes, 

dreaming about my loved ones assaulting me, 

obsessively imagining my loved ones dying over and over and over and over 

picturing my cats mangled squished dead body

imagining my fathers death over and over and over and over 

walking along the road I was terrified I was going to jump infront of a car without thinking about it and I replayed my death over and over and over again

every morning i checked my body for bruises or signs of a rape, every night i made myself listen to that Owl City song 8 times in a row even though I always had panic attacks during it, before sleeping I would lock and unlock my door over and over and over at least 10 times until i could get my brain to shut up for 30 goddamn seconds

I see now why I wanted to hide from my brain. I see now that I only made it worse by doing so.

The closest I got to a quiet moment was when I was high, but apparently the thoughts didn’t stop after using. All I did was shove the burden of my broken brain onto whomever was my caretaker for the night. If I was blackout drunk someone else had to take care of my brain for a while which is a pretty fucked up thing to do to someone else. Since I spent so many days blacked out, I’m sure that the worst pain I have caused others I have absolutely no recollection of. 

I was simply in a lot of pain. I had a lot of trauma and resulting mental illness that I refused to deal with. I wonder how I got addicted but when I think about it, someone who treats their body and problems like I did was bound to seek comfort anywhere. Weed was my drug of choice but alcohol was right behind along with pills and self harm and sex and unhealthy relationships and extreme risk taking. 

Who knew that within 5 years I would have morphed into a complete monster entirely unlike the person I was before? I wish I could adequately describe the horror of addiction, how it is a disease that eats who you are, that it is a sickness that attacks your soul. That the person I had become last year had nothing in common with the person I was before using. How in hindsight it is so fucking obvious I am an addict but in my active addiction it was impossible to see. 

I used to devour multiple books a week--I took pride in my love for knowledge. By my rock bottom, I hadn’t finished a book in over a year. I could barely bring myself to skim the articles I had to read for school. My brain was so fried I couldn’t read for more then 5 minutes at a time. I once cried because I got an A- in an honors class but a mere few years later I used so much I lost the ability to read.

Not saying that I was a great person before using because I still had a lot of shit I was working through but the addiction dug out the worst disgusting parts of my brain and brought them to the forefront. All of the good qualities within myself were masked by the addiction. By the end, I didn’t do anything other than use. If a person in my life didn’t want to get fucked up, they didn’t matter. If an activity didn’t involve drinking, I wasn’t interested. Anything or anyone what didn’t feed my addiction was disposable. 

Now I’m in recovery. I’m drawing. I’m painting. I’m writing. I’m baking. I’m cooking. I’m listening to my friends and supporting them. I’m gardening. I’m sewing. I’m reading. I’m meditating. People want to be around me. I know how to give them space because I’m not afraid of being alone with myself. I just moved in with an amazing friend. I walk our dog daily. I care for our cats. I cook dinner for us. I am able to support their dreams and aspirations the same way she supports mine. I laugh. Genuinely. I smile in real life and not just in facebook photos. I go to meetings and listen to the stories of other addicts. I do service. I am learning how to be confident without being arrogant. For god sakes, people are paying me to create art! What??? How lucky am I? None of this would have been possible without my sobriety. I have a hell of a long way to go and a lot of catching up to do but I am so grateful to be sober today, in this moment. 

I believed that I had to be cruel to the world before it could be cruel to me. I thought being mean and brazen meant being tough. I’m now learning how wrong I was. I was an immature hurt child who played myself off as threatening and mean because I was so scared and insecure in myself. I am learning now that true strength comes in gentleness. It comes with a firm and calm “no” when a boundary needs to be set while being open and understanding of others. True strength speaks for itself. It does not need bravado. 

If you think you might be an addict, you are not alone. The first step is walking into a 12 step meeting. The first step is just considering that you might have a problem. You can stumble into a meeting shit faced if need be. If not using seems impossible, its okay. It seemed impossible to all of us in recovery and we are here for you. Getting clean is hard as hell but I guarantee it’s worth a shot.

If you love an active addict, you are not alone. Please remember to take care of yourself. Addicts are sick and they need to be treated with compassion and professional help but that does not mean that you have to destroy yourself to save us. Alanon meetings are a great option to consider--they are support groups for the loved ones of addicts. They can help you work through hurt and resentment. They can help you come up with tools to protect yourself while supporting the addict in your life, or if necessary, give you the strength to walk away from them.

Trauma is hell. Addiction is insanity. Most people I have met in meetings are trauma survivors like me. We are sick and scared people who are afraid to be alive. Unfortunately most of us can’t break the habit until we have lost everything. Luckily, recovery is possible and for that I am endlessly grateful. 

“Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”

12 step programs are saving my life right now. I am currently on Step 2 and I am really taking my time with each one. I’m not at the steps where I write out my character defects, resentments, and make direct amends to the people I have hurt--that will come later when I have enough sober time to make sure that I can actually back up my words. In the meantime, this is a prelude that no one will probably read. I needed to get it out there though. I’m grateful for my clean slate, my new name, my new home, my fresh start. I think a huge change was necessary but I am aware that I left my old life violently and full of anger. Luckily those resentments are starting to melt away and it is making space for forgiveness and understanding. It is giving me the space to reflect on my mistakes and the pain I have caused others. When I get to Step 8, I will need to make amends to just about everyone who ever got close to me during my active addiction. For some addicts it takes years to get to that step so in the meantime please know that I am sorry, I am changing, and I genuinely wish joy and happiness in your life.