#cw: trauma

[mosovi-vian]

And I will stay alive for my future self, so they can one day learn to be kind to who I was as a child. And I will teach them to honor who we used to be, so they can remember the comfort of what once was our untempered flesh and gentle soul. Me and myself are each a fresh wound and a rough scab, bearing respectively the gift of green faith and honed will.

This has been in my draft for a while because I was determined to post this only after I knew what I should write underneath it. I’ve read a lot on the concept of healing the wounded inner child since even before my c-ptsd diagnosis. However, I’ve sought as much comfort in my little self as they had in me. Looking back, I was an impressively emotionally-intuitive kid. I remember well how I used to think, the things I would write to my future self; they were wiser and gentler than I could ever hope to be as an adult. Needless to say, the little poem above is inspired by the aforementioned experience. Sure, big me is armed with a more developed pre-frontal cortex and access to invaluable resources (coping mechanisms, therapy, on and offline communities) , but I struggle to rediscover/reinvent my identity. Little me was the biggest vestige of my lost personhood. So yeah, this might be just a huge self-indulgent projection with my favorite character, but thinking that post-S3 Hunter would also be in my shoes is not completely baseless. 16yrs old Hunter is the fresh wound (a lot of things happened before his teen years, but I’m going to interpret the events of Hollow Mind - which happened when Hunter was 16 - as the ultimate boiling point in his trauma timeline, hence the ‘fresh wound') and 20yrs old Hunter is the rough scab. Each version of Hunter could be dealing with a different set of trauma-induced symptoms. I think his loyalty to Belos kept him going as a child. Being doubtless was important to Hunter back then; it held his sense of self together. And maybe when he survived and was rewarded the time and space to grow into his own person and live for himself, there was this lasting emptiness. I feel this sort of emptiness even today. My only reference of what ‘wholeness’ felt like was when I was obedient to my family. I equated self-abandonment as the righteous norm. The symptoms I deal with today are definitely different from when I was Hunter’s age pre-time-skip. Now that Hunter is in a safe space and an adult post-time skip, he might also need to seek that strength from his younger self. Reminding himself of how far he’s come and the parts of him that he'd like to keep from his past. The parts that he knows in his bones are purely his - not instilled by Belos, not inherited from Caleb.

[manykinsmen]

the more i think about how we (as both f1blr/f1 fic writers and the more general understanding of f1 fans/the f1 world) mythologise nico rosberg, the more i think i slowly begin to understand why he's such a divisive figure. it's actually not that much to do with taking sides over brocedes and the popularity of lewis hamilton, or even just that some people really really don't like his personality. it's because he's a living symbol of the trauma that motorsports, particularly f1, inflicts upon its participants and embodies it in an almost entirely new and much more viscerally upsetting way.

think about the other people that have had a similar role. many of them are motor racers who died tragically, mostly in some kind of vehicle or after an on track incident. we can mythologise these people in the ancient ways set out by tragic heroes. they have a few subcategories, the dead champions going out in a blaze of glory (senna, rindt, even schumacher in some ways) like achilles. the dead that should have been champions, taken cruelly early and depriving the entire world with their loss, grieved (gilles villeneuve, francois cevert, didier pironi, ronnie peterson, elio d'angelis) like hector. the minor characters who die, who had yet to make any particular impression on the world of motorsport, but whose deaths motivate their loved ones to achieve on their behalf, or inspire rage against a cruel system (roland ratzenberger, jules bianchi, anthonine hubert) like patroclus.

even those that didn't die like that generally bear some sort of physical mark of trauma, like niki lauda's burns and alex zanardi's amputated legs. these figures are held up as triumphs of endurance and willpower when they go on to succeed in motorsport, or elsewhere in sport. if they cannot succeed in some sporting capacity afterwards, then they are allowed to quietly fade into obscurity, like robert kubica and his damaged arm, clay regazzoni, paralysed from the waist down. the trauma of motorsport is understandable when it is rendered physically.

when we render it instead psychologically, emotionally, it becomes incomprehensible to us, uncomfortable for us to entertain. why does someone retire after winning the world championship? because it's dangerous? because you are hurting yourself? in professional sports, people carry around constant pain until their body breaks enough that they can no longer compete, which typically happens sometime in the mid-late thirties, frighteningly early in the average human lifespan. sports is not man vs man or man vs nature so much as it is man vs his own body. this is not the only way competitors hurt themselves, there is constant restriction: food, habits, time. how do you win? see family less, see friends less, practice hobbies less, spend more time training, focusing, studying, converting yourself into the perfect machine.

and then there's the individual traumas: the bridges burnt, the marriages sacrificed, the children neglected, the rival that becomes a nemesis, the best friend that becomes a mortal enemy, the self that becomes lost to become just another part of the car. richard siken says "how much can you change and get away with it, before you turn into someone else, before it's some kind of murder?". and then there's the losses, the disappointments, the criticisms from the team, from the press, from the fans. the constant battering of yourself against wave after wave of grief. the slow erosion of hope for all but a chosen, golden few. the knowledge that even if you win, there will come a point, inevitably, again, where you lose. you a winner until the next race. you are a champion until the next season.

what do we say to someone who says "i want to go home" and means it? who doesn't have to be dragged out of the race kicking and screaming? if they aren't a winner, we say they were never going to be. they are no one of any worth, they will be quietly forgotten. can you name a single one? if they are a winner, though, then what? what does this mean? we snatch at their winnings, their titles, try to take it away, retract it, somehow. but how do you say to them then that they aren't a winner? it is over. it is done.

they leave because they are hurting somehow, and their leaving leaves us hurting. it's betrayal, abandonment of the highest order. we as spectators are part of the race, the system. for nico to leave voluntarily is to criticise somehow, to point out the suffering and say you have hurt me. and we are included in that you, we know it subconsciously. that is why nico rosberg makes us uncomfortable, because he pulls back the curtain, reveals the trickery of it and all of us are suddenly standing in the light.

[venusandsaturnsrings]

Thoughts on Wriothesley?

I HAVE A LOT THANK YOU FOR ASKING!! cant wait for his bday so i have better art to use as a header… his bday is 3 days before mine >///< almost bday twins!!

synopsis: just a handful of general headcanons i have for him. some are relationship, some are just him!! ^u^

contains: some spoilers for his background, gn reader, trauma related hcs, substance mention, and kink mentions.

wrio is the kind of guy to dance around subjects he has no interest in sharing. he won’t outright tell you not to ask and instead twist it back to you. a lot of “well, what do you think?” or “hm… have you checked with others?” it’s polite but also frustrating at times.

you may think he’s a dog person but he’s actually a cat kind of guy!! i can see him liking dogs for practical purposes but he enjoys cats more because he bonds better with them. what’s better than a cup of tea and a happy cat purring in your lap?

can shotgun any beverage no problem.

he collects tea obviously but he also collects mugs to go with them!! big cabinet!! if you’re ever stumped on what to get him as a gift, you can’t go wrong with a cute mug and tea.

can’t play any instruments and feels a bit insecure about it?? wrio feels like he should have some extra talents or hobbies such as music but he can’t play anything and doesn’t know where to start!! please teach him!!

his favourite dates are ones spent in secluded areas of the over world. on beaches or in small towns, he just likes being away from work and in privacy with you.

wrio does expect you to understand and accept his job. if you’re not okay with the way he runs things or prioritizes then, even if it hurts him, he’ll let you go the other way.

he’s not opposed to suggestions or changing the way things run but, if you want him to restructure everything or quit, then he’s saying goodbye.

MELTS for massages. between being hunched over a desk and boxing, he’s sore constantly. please massage him!!

his primary love language to give is words of affirmation. if you’re ever feeling insecure or unsure of something, wrio is quick to step in and praise you for the smallest things.

his favourite love language to receive is, somewhat surprisingly, physical touch.

he isn’t big on being touched in general or into the beginning of your relationship (part of the ptsd related to his past) but once he’s comfortable, he’ll perk up at even a graze of your fingertips. very much a deprived victorian maiden.

on the topic of his past i do see him as having ptsd. when he was younger, he had oppositional defiance disorder and struggled a lot with containing those emotions before and after his parents. being in prison i think it’s likely he had some substance problems at one point, alcohol or benzodiazepines maybe, but he’s gotten clean!!

i think he’s a total straight edge now except for smoking cigarettes. doesn’t drink or do any other drugs but just can’t seem to kick his smoking habit. he tries drinking tea instead of reaching for his cigs though!!

getting intimate… was a struggle for him at first.

it’s very vulnerable!! he isn’t a fan of that!! so you’ll have to take it slow with him at first.

once he’s warmed up to it and gotten into a rhythm with you, i see his top kinks being: restraints, receiving head/cock worship, creampies, spitting on you, and mild exhibitionism.

wrio has a solid length but is significantly girthy!! it’s a tough fit at first and your jaw always hurts sucking him off :(( but he gives you a good face fucking!! plus it means he can plug you full of cum real well!!

he’s got a teeny tiny secret idea about sharing you with neuvillette but shhh don’t tell him i told you…

[lara-prism-light]

"The Accident"

[Content warning: panic attack, trauma and ptsd]

On Wattpad And Archive of Our Own 

For context, in this au, Clay stays(Floyd had left for his solo career and returned three years later on the day of the incident) and the day their grandmother is eaten he sees her being taken away, unable to do anything he blames himself for not being there at the time of the incident, believing he could have done something if he hadn't was so neglectful of his younger brother. Now as an adult he sees himself responsible for Branch's condition, and has constant nightmares about what happened.

[exsanguidus]

Controversial opinion; I think Ascended Astarion is the true Astarion. In DnD lore, vampirism amplifies a person's traits for whoever they are at the time they become a true vampire. A Paladin wanting to save people will end up ruling a city with an iron fist to keep people safe. A mage wanting to heal those they love will hurt everyone else to heal them. Astarion was on a journey with Tav - one from being controlled, owned, and tortured to being free, curious, and even powerful. Becoming a full vampire and ascending just amplified that. It forced a self-actualization, not a descent into villainy. I think Ascended Astarion is cannon Astarion. He will always be a vampire, and vampires in DnD are always the amplification of a true self. Without ascention, he is still malleable - but I don't think its what he wants. He wants to be powerful (protected by his own power too - his power being a means to self-preservation), he wants to be loved, seen, and free. Free of hunger, free to walk in the sun, free of Cazador. All these things are true regardless of the path you choose. But, they are all only attainable through ascension. When you ascend Astarion - he gets everything he wants and becomes who he truly is.

I'm going to start this with a disclaimer:

I work in the mental health field professionally and majored in Social & Behavioral Science, which is partly why I felt drawn to Astarion as a sort of case study. Characters rooted in trauma are interesting to me and I enjoy picking them apart to judge how real it feels. I utilize my educational and professional background to essentially guide how I write Astarion on this account.

That said, despite me being a professional in the field, all of what I have to say is my personal opinion and interpretation of Astarion's character based on how I interpret the material Larian gave us and the material that can be found in DND lore. Even in real life, things have variation and not all mental health struggles (getting over trauma is part of mental health) present the exact same way. There are theories that exist to try and explain some trends in mental health studies, psychology, and sociology, but again they're called theories for a reason.

Now, my response to this question will be under the cut and will include spoilers.

I know what lore in particular you're referencing, anon, because I've been going back to it a lot ever since I opened this account.

Astarion very much has an insecure attachment style born from his abuse at Cazador's hands. Specifically, an anxious-avoidant attachment type that leans more towards avoidant when he's first met and then begins to swing more towards anxious as he begins to get closer to Tav and the other companions.

Anxious-avoidant attachment types (also known as the “fearful or disorganized type”) bring together the worst of both worlds. Anxious-avoidants are not only afraid of intimacy and commitment, but they distrust and lash out emotionally at anyone who tries to get close to them. Anxious-avoidants often spend much of their time alone and miserable, or in abusive or dysfunctional relationships. Anxious-avoidants are low in confidence and less likely to express emotions, preferring to suppress them. However, they can have intense emotional outbursts when under stress. They also don’t tend to seek help when in need due to a distrust of others. This sucks because they are also incapable of sorting through their own issues. Anxious-avoidants really get the worst of both worlds. They avoid intimacy not because they prefer to be alone like avoidants. Rather, they avoid intimacy because they are so terrified of its potential to hurt them (Mark Manson, Attachment Styles and How They Affect Your Relationships).

Typically, most studies of Attachment Theory focus on the relationship of parents-children or romantic partners, but it can also be applied to any significant relationship someone has in their lifetime. Attachment styles thus are capable of changing based on new relationship experiences.

If you end up giving him the "good" ending where he denies the Ascension, it's implied in his final dialogue that he's actively working towards having a secure attachment type due to the influences of his fellow worm-afflicted associates - particularly Tav.

I think that it's important to also note that, even if Tav doesn't romantically connect with Astarion, he shows hints of desperately wanting someone to care for him, support him, and love him. He does want to know what sex would be like as something other than a tool, and especially what it would be like to actually want to have it just for the pure sake of enjoying having it.

You have to understand that Astarion doesn't even understand the concept of casual sex or friends with benefits. All those times he had to seduce people for Cazador was not casual sex or a friends with benefits situation. All of them were transactions with a means to an end. He got nothing out of seducing those victims besides the possibility of not incurring Cazador's wrath that night - but even then, there was still a possibility because Cazador was an abuser.

Abusers are incapable of providing genuine safety, but can manipulate their victims into believing an illusion of safety. Often times, they manipulate their victims into this by using phrases like "you made me do this by being disobedient", "it wouldn't come to this if you just did what you were told", and then weaponizing basic needs such as shelter, food, and social interaction. The bare minimum becomes something the victim is expected to be grateful for and viewed as a favor, which means anything beyond the bare minimum is expected to be viewed as a theatrical showing of care and love.

In game, Tav has the chance to hear Astarion tell the story of how Cazador turned him. He basically states that he got attacked by a mob due to a ruling he handed down when he was magistrate and then Cazador saved him and offered him immortality. It can be inferred that in his pre-vampiric days, Astarion had no idea that Cazador was abusive to his spawn.

This is likely because it seems that Cazador is careful about his public image. He doesn't allow his spawn to drink from humans, very likely not just as a means to further oppress them and dampen their potential power they could get from drinking people's blood, but also as a way to ensure there's not just a bunch of people out in the city being bitten and left alive to tell the story - or left dead on the street suspiciously.

He has his spawn seduce and lure people, particularly lower class people that would be harder for general society to realize is missing or just that he knows people who could actually challenge him wouldn't care for (you learn that reading some of the books and notes in Szarr Palace). The only exception to this is the kidnapping of Gur children, but even then it seems to fit his MO as it seems Gur are considered somewhat outcasts from the rest of Baldurian society due to their cultural differences.

It should also be noted that he himself doesn't do these seductions or kidnappings. He specifically chooses spawn to be his lackeys and that's likely so, if shit hits the fan and the spawn gets caught, he has deniability since he wasn't there. It's methodical and thought out to keep as many eyes away from him so he can still obtain what he wants and keep sailing under the radar.

Cazador is this methodical and purposeful as a result of his own trauma, which we learn about from the skull of his master in the dungeon of Szaar Palace. There's one interaction in particular with the skull in which Tav can learn that, at one point, Cazador attempted to rebel and usurp his master. Cazador failed and his master punished him via impalement. Not because Cazador had the audacity to try and usurp him, but because Cazador tried and failed. Cazador's master punished Cazador via torture because his master was disgusted by the fact that his spawn was too weak to succeed in such a plot.

Which brings me to my next point... it's not uncommon for victims of abuse to later become abusers. Hence the term Cycle of Abuse exists. Many abusers who were once victims often have the mentality of either "I'm not nearly as bad as my abuser was, they should be grateful I care enough to not be so bad" or "I survived and it made me tougher, they need to suck it up and let it help them build character" or both. They often fail to view their abuse as abuse and fail to recognize how their experience as abuse victims contributes into making them toxic and abusive to others.

There's many peer-reviewed scholarly articles you can find about the cycle of abuse, but one I particularly find useful is Editorial: Dissociation, and cycles of abuse across generations by David P.H. Jones. It talks specifically about parents and children, but I believe some of the general points made can be applied to Cazador and his spawn, as he crafts a very family-like setting that can be seen in the way that his spawn refer to one another as brothers and sisters.

This would thus make him the father figure, a role exponentially made important by the fact he denies his spawn education on things that could serve to give them ideas or the ability to leave him (for example, Astarion mentions that none of the spawn were permitted to learn about the language of the various symbols around the palace) and he consistently chooses his Golden Children (Favored Spawns) as a means of providing more false security. Do what he says, when he says, exactly how he says and don't complain then you will have benefits. You will be Favored, and to have his favor is the highest honor you could achieve.

Torture is clearly presented as Cazador's primary go-to for discipline. Research has also concluded that trauma has a way of affecting the brain and memories.

Trauma can prevent information (like words, images, sounds, etc.) from different parts of the brain from combining to make a semantic memory. The temporal lobe and inferior parietal cortex collect information from different brain areas to create semantic memory (The National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine).

Astarion mentions a few times in-game that he can barely remember his life before Cazador, if at all, and a huge part of that is likely because of all the trauma Cazador inflicted upon him that exacerbated the natural occurrence of memory loss from aging (if vampires experience natural memory loss from aging, that is). This is most likely true for all of Cazador's spawn.

I say all this as a set up to truly answering you, anon, specifically where you say: "from being controlled, owned, and tortured to being free, curious, and even powerful. Becoming a full vampire and ascending just amplified that. It forced a self-actualization, not a descent into villainy."

I can argue that Astarion did not feel free up until after a decision to Ascend or not was made. And I argue that stance due to some dialogue he can have with Tav here he basically states that the power Ascension could guarantee that no one, even someone after Cazador is dead, could ever come in to oppress and hurt him again. Even with Cazador dead, he has such an intense fear of being enslaved and used that he turns to catastrophic thoughts as justification to why he needs to Ascend.

Catastrophic thinking is a cognitive distortion that occurs when people have a hard time weighing the likelihood of certain outcomes and believe that terrible or catastrophic outcomes—which are highly unlikely—become, in one’s mind, salient and extremely likely. (Tom Zaubler, MD, MPH).

Aside from the Gur, whom Astarion can manage to evade and even kill perfectly fine as just a spawn, we're not presented with any hints of another big bad in the vampire world that could possibly want Astarion. As such, there's not really any tangible threat, but rather a perceived threat that he believes is destined to darken his doorstep at any time.

His catastrophic thinking is a trauma response. His belief that he needs to be the most powerful being in the room as a way to be truly free is a trauma response. Cazador broke him down emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually to make him believe that he was weak and trapped. Furthermore, that he remained trapped because he was too weak to do anything about it.

You see how this goes full circle into how Cazador's master punished Cazador for not being able to successfully usurp him? It places blame on the victim, allowing shame and helplessness to root that the abuser can manipulate. We know that Astarion definitely feels shame because he tells Tav that. For most of his dialogue until the boss fight, he's constantly bringing up that he did what Cazador wanted and acted obedient because he had no choice.

This is true, he had to act in self-preservation to survive and unfortunately that meant he had to be subservient. A few dialogue choices you can have your Tav pick can challenge Astarion and say he could have still tried, to which he'll rightfully tell Tav that Tav has no right to judge him for the choices he made to survive.

When Astarion encounters Sebastian in the dungeon, its made pretty obvious how much guilt and shame he truly feels. Furthermore, that for all Astarion's protesting and exclaiming that no one has the right to judge him, a part of him did believe that he didn't do enough to try and escape enslavement. A part of himself blamed himself and believed he allowed himself to be abused when, in reality, he was put in a horrible situation with very limited options. He did the best he could in the moment, with what information he had in those moments.

I also want to argue that who Astarion is when we meet him isn't his true self. It's who he had to become in order to survive Cazador. Astarion doesn't even know who his true self is because he didn't have the opportunity to explore his own likes and preferences. Cazador molded all of his spawn because he had a specific purpose for them.

Not only that, but since Cazador would have to more directly deal with these spawn since he used them as lackies, he also would have molded them to behave in ways to his preference so that he wouldn't find their presence unbearable and feel inclined to murder them out of annoyance. This is also where the Favored Spawn being separated and set on a pedestal comes into play. Those who could please him and play to his wants and needs had better benefits. If all of the spawn are acting in self-preservation, they would want to be favored and thus would want to adapt themselves to things Cazador liked and approved of.

This would mean learning to be cruel to those less fortunate and not doing anything as charity. This is the reason why Astarion approves of some questionable decisions Tav can make. Astarion learned his ideals and morality from Cazador because he had to so he could know how to please Cazador and stay in his master's good graces. After a while, even if you started off disagreeing, forcing yourself to act a certain way can become a habit that sticks with you. You convince yourself to enjoy it too so it's easier to swallow.

Astarion craves power because he knows that power is the quickest, easiest, and - what he believes - most effective way to prevent him from having to use that method ever again. It's logical to want power to solve that.

You said in your ask: "He wants to be powerful (protected by his own power too - his power being a means to self-preservation), he wants to be loved, seen, and free. Free of hunger, free to walk in the sun, free of Cazador. All these things are true regardless of the path you choose. But, they are all only attainable through ascension. When you ascend Astarion - he gets everything he wants and becomes who he truly is."

In the most literal of terms, yes, Ascension gives him all of those. However, since the basis of him believing he needs power to be free is rooted in fear, that's not actually really freedom. That is still his fear ruling over him.

There's a stark difference in what someone wants versus what they need. He wants power, to be seen, to be loved, and to be free. What he actually needs is security, stability, support, consistency, empathy, and autonomy. The things he wants is what he believes will solve the empty cups of what he needs, and he believes that because the only example he had on how to act to get what you want - until the events of the game - was Cazador. He literally had no other example of how to get your needs met except through selfishness, cruelty, force, manipulation, and abuse.

Again, I reiterate. The Astarion we first meet is not Astarion's true nature. Astarion's true nature was corrupted by his abuse from Cazador and the subsequent trauma that followed. If it had been his true nature, he would have happily been Cazador's subject because their true natures would have been in alignment.

It only becomes his true nature if he allows that trauma to define him and decides that he needs to embrace it rather than fight it. That is then what gets amplified because that fear that roots those wants becomes amplified.

Honestly, it's impossible to say what would be canon for Astarion because there's too many factors.

Studies have shown that having more supportive and positive influences, even if its later in life after leaving the abuser, tends to work in favor of the victim breaking the cycle of abuse. As such, I think that if you make a Tav who's core values are autonomy, consent, second chances, and redemption and somehow manage to get high enough approval that he'd even consider caring what they think; then its more likely that Astarion would reject Ascension due to observing how much softer, kinder, patient, and merciful Tav is.

But if its a Tav that has no interest in getting to know him beyond the surface or Tav doesn't exist at all, I honestly think he would end up going through with Ascension. Mostly because, to me, it seems like he didn't really bother to have more than surface level interactions with the other companions and the other companions really only ended up getting to know him better as a result to Tav managing to get past his masking. He does not lower his mask on his own accord, only after certain things are done and said by Tav.

Unfortunately, I just don't really think any of the other companions you can pick up in-game would really be able to provide support and determined consistency in the same way that players can make Tav. Hence I don't think he'd end up caring enough about any of them to ever start to think that perhaps freedom can be defined differently than the way he initially believes, and would view Ascension as the only right way to get his needs fulfilled.

[forlorn-crows]

I'm tired of people using the ghouls as their trauma dumps. We get it, you've got issues but we are all trying to read fiction and have a good time not come out more depressed than we went in because you decided to use them as some weird tool. /This is a general 'you' not as in you crow/ I understand needing a creative outlet but I can't imagine constantly writing heavy subjects like that can be great for you?

☠️

respectfully, if its not your thing, dont read it.

people use writing as a means to cope, to process trauma. lots of people enjoy reading and writing angst. its not 'good' or 'bad'. i understand where youre coming from, as someone who normally doesnt enjoy reading angst either, but maybe think about different ways to phrase this.

people want to tell stories. whether those are heavy and emotional, smutty, or somewhere in between. its like kinks. if you dont like em, dont read em. if you dont read a little into it before you consume the entire piece, i think thats on you.

[conkers-thecosy]

Stealing Moments, Moments Away by Conkers 💛

"He watched Bilbo from the doorway, still unnoticed by his host, and felt a little of his annoyance fade at the sight. He was humming merrily to himself, standing over the hob and frying a pan of eggs, the early morning sunlight streaming in through the window and catching the gold and copper in his hair. His small hands were delicate, but deft as he cooked with practised ease, and Thorin couldn't help but notice how radiant Bilbo looked. There had been a time when he had been deeply concerned about how small the Hobbit had grown on their journey, and to see him now filling his clothes better, looking round and soft again as he ought, filled Thorin with a quiet sense of relief."

A series of scenes, drabbles, and shorts in the reshirement setting for Bagginshield-tober, as organised by the lovely @smolestboop !

*Complete*

[weaselbeaselpants]

It's surreal seeing more people cover Emily Youcis (edgy yt who became a devout altrighter in 2016) and Alfred's Playhouse (her newground series, abt a dog being sa-d that's based on her lived experiences) in 2024, but it's also surreal to remember that time she literally inserted herself into a panel with Oney, Ricegum and VivziePop there and made them all incredibly uncomfortable.

As a seasoned veteran of the Viv-critical scene, I implore people to not treat Viv as the same kind of evil that Youcis and Lily Orchard are. Viv is her own kind of trainwreck, but comparing her to either of them isn't a "hydrogen bomb vs hydrogen bomb" scenario- it's more of a "nail bomb vs atomic bomb" deal comparing Viv to Youcis or Lily; bombs either way but at least one isn't going to be so toxic it kills people who weren't even born at the time of it's detonation.

[kores-pomegranate]

Rachel must have mom trauma. Only someone with mom trauma can know how this feels.

[m0srael]

Your Soul Sat On My Lips [61.5k | E] 🔥

Summary: It’s Harry’s turn to blush. “People fall in love all the time, not all of them can be perfect and good and pure. Messy, fucked up people deserve love too. Don’t you think?” Draco gazes at him for a long time, just breathing. “I don’t keep a madwoman in my attic,” he says eventually, a small smile on his lips. “I don’t have an attic.” Harry laughs out loud, the sound even bigger in the small space between them. “Nor do I. But I think she’s sort of a metaphor, anyway.” “Oh. Well, metaphorical madwomen I have in spades,” Draco replies, grinning. Sometimes, two broken men can love one another whole again, and sometimes they can’t. That doesn’t mean they don’t deserve to try. Notes: This story deals explicitly with mental health related trauma through the lens of magic in the wizarding world. If you’d like to know more specific details, please read the tags and check the end notes which include spoilers, but will help you decide if this is a story you’d like to read or not. This story is loosely inspired by Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte. If you haven’t read it, your reading experience shouldn’t be impacted at all! The fic title and chapter titles are taken from quotes from the book. Read on Ao3!

This fic is a gift for the absolutely wonderful @nv-md as a part of @fandomtrumpshate 2022. Ali graciously asked me to write whatever story I wanted to write, and didn’t complain once when I took significantly longer than the already-long writing period that FTH allows. Thank you for being you, Ali! I really hope you like this story!! Also, thank you to the FTH mods who do so much to keep such an awesome event going.

✨ It's almost comical how many people I called on to support me as I fought with this story. Some of you may not even remember helping over the last year, but I am still so grateful for you: @softlystarstruck, @oknowkiss, @basicallyahedgehog, @romaine2424, @wolfpants, @hogwartsfirebolt, @academicdisasterfic, @geesenoises, and @cavendishbutterfly.

[trace-owo]

🎀Glittery🩸Guts🎀

Idk why it took me so long to make an edit with just Teddy Lobo, especially since he's the reason I'm so hyperfixated on Ben Schwartz acting/characters in Real Life movies/shows/etc. in the first place.

And yes, Teddy is very much still my "literally me" (trauma n' gore) comfort character and ohboyohboyohboy do I love this lil guy dearly with all of my torn apart heart (please people let's chat about him <3)

[mosovi-vian]

Tired.

Season 3 only made birdman even more special to me. I see myself a lot in Hunter, and while it could just be me projecting I really think his behavior in the past two specials reflects where I am in my own healing journey. The one step forward two steps back then two step forward one step back part of his recovery stage in life hits home. I guess this is vent art?? Abuse recovery is a bitch, and new trauma can always form even when you're making progress. I think that's why Flapjack's death really stuck with me. This is a time in Hunter's life when resiliency is especially needed, and I'm glad that Willow and his friends will be there to support him through it. This character has given me a lot of insight into my own past experiences and inspires me to reach out to find my people in the world, and I cannot thank Dana and the crew enough for the show.

[kriimhild]

Chapter 4 of Dusk Lounge is here! 

[wastheheart]

Headcanon;

Esme is incredibly nervous and uncomfortable around men she does not know. After her transformation, she was fearful of Carlisle until she learned she could trust him; the same was true of Edward, then later Emmett and Jasper.

Despite supernatural strength and perception, Esme also feels similarly around human men, too. It's similar to how those with childhood t.rauma will resort back to their child-like selves around their triggers; Esme can't help but feel like Mrs. Evenson again.

It's not a problem in day to day life, but it rears its ugly head when she is unexpectedly in a prolonged situation with male strangers. Perhaps they are sharing a lift or Carlisle's colleague recognises her and begins a conversation. Of course, most of these men have no ill intentions at all, but she cannot help but resort to micro-managing her behaviour and reading the others' tone, body-language and mood.

[exsanguidus]

Below is a streamlined compilation of information about Cazador Szarr and the Szarr Spawn. I used this Reddit post and this Tumblr post as references, as well as my own gameplay exploration and deductions.

Baldur's Gate Vampire Masters:

612 - 698: Eravask the Forebear

698 -713: Zholtan Farr the Eviscerator

713 - 888: Madame Tallon the Well-Preserved

888 - 955: The Interregnum (temporary suppression by Lathanderians)

955 - 998: Blaiseuse the Coryphee

998 - 1019: Dykson Nightbinder

1019 - 1019: Failbleur the Fleeting

1019 - 1138: Hideous Gathwycke "Who Knew Not Satiety"

1138 - 1204: Donnela Szarr the Architect

1204 - 1276: Vellioth the Martinet - Cazador's Vampire Master

I. Always dominate. Allow none to be your equal. · Vellioth recalls when Cazador reached out to a former friend. His punishment was to watch as Vellioth drained his friend dry. II. Power comes from solitude. To share with others is to be weak, and to be weak is to fail… and die. · Vellioth recalls when Cazador rebelled against him. Cazador suffered eleven years of impalement… because he failed. III. Act not in haste. A near immortal has time to plan, time to act when others will pay the price of action. · Vellioth recalls Cazador, his lesson learned, killing him in the Rite of Perfect Slaughter. How they both laughed! Vellioth recalls Cazador boiling the flesh from his skull and then, to mock him, clamping his Schooling Scroll in Vellioth's jaws.

1276 - 1492: Cazador Szarr the Avid - Elf - Vampire Lord

I. First, thou shalt not drink of the blood of thinking creatures. II. Second, thou shalt obey me in all things. III. Third, thou shalt not leave my side unless directed. IV. Fourth, thou shalt know that thou art mine.

Note: Kozakuran language (from Kara-Tur) was forbidden for Cazador's Spawns to learn.

Other Vampire Masters:

Mrel Alkam - Vampire Master of Athkatla

Cazador seems to be in a rivalry with this Vampire Lord, based on the letter you can find in Cazador's Corner.

Cazador's Seven Spawn:

Aurelia - Tiefling

Likely the oldest Spawn, due to being one level higher than the rest if you examine her stats.

Astarion Ancunín - Elf

Astarion states he was one of Cazador's first Spawn. Not the first, but one of the first. This implies there was at least one Spawn created before him.

Former Magistrate in Baldur's Gate.

Born 1261 DR. Turned 1300 DR. Kills Cazador in 1492 DR.

Astarion was 15 years old when Cazador killed Vellioth and took over as the Vampire Master of Baldur's Gate. He was 39 when he became a Spawn. Astarion is 231 during the events of the game and when he kills Cazador. This means he had been a Spawn for 192 years during the game.

Petras refers to Astarion as a "runt" and "the runt of the litter" when you find him and Dalyria while playing the origin Astarion run. This ties into my theory that Astarion, despite being one of Cazador's first Spawn, was deemed the Scapegoat within their vampiric family. This also goes into my other theory that all of the Spawn, to some degree, participated in each other's abuse; be it actively, such as how Petras and Astarion seemed to have a mutually verbally abusive relationship, or passively, by simply not speaking up or trying to show too much fondness for one another, as a means to try and gain greater favor with Cazador.

Violet - Elf

States in her diary that she put garlic in Yousen's bed as a prank because he was a "whining runt", which caused him to break out in a rash.

Unsure if she's older or younger than Yousen, despite refering to him as a runt. Astarion is also referred to as a runt by Petras, though its inferred that Astarion is older than Petras.

Leon worried most about Violet harming Victoria, based on his diary.

Yousen - Gnome

Astarion seems to be racist against Gnomes, based on dialogue suggesting he views gnomes as animals and in how he gives backhanded compliments to a gnome Tav.

In Act 1, after he bites Tav, if you tell him to only drink from animals, he asks: "I mean, elves and humans are obviously out, but goblins? Kobolds? Gnomes?"

Astarion expresses distaste at the idea of saving Nere just for the sake of saving the gnome slaves trapped with him, if Tav talks to him and mentions the idea.

It's unknown if Astarion's dislike and dehumanization of gnomes existed before Yousen became a Spawn or if this developed due to consistent negative interactions with Yousen over their centuries being forced to play brothers. Either way, it's him generalizing and discriminating an entire race, and that should still be recognized as problematic.

Dalyria - Elf

Former Physician General to the Parliament of Baldur's Gate.

Believed that vampirism was some sort of blood disorder that could be cured.

Seems to be close to Petras, or at least close enough to actually have a visceral reaction when Astarion puts Petras in the sunlight. This may be because they're close in age, though its unknown if she or Petras is older of the two.

It could be argued she's fairly young due to the fact that, when you play origin Astarion, she seems to genuinely believe that they're all a family. She's far more vocal about the idea of family, telling Astarion "I can't believe you'd turn on us! On your own family!" if he attempts violence towards Petras. This could potentially showcase her naivety and gullibility of being a younger Spawn not yet fully experienced with the full breadth of Cazador's cruelty or her lack of experience truly competing with the other Spawn for her own self-preservation.

Pale Petras - Human

Around 100 years in age, deduced by his dialogue with Dalyria where he states he's had to feed on rats and dogs for 100 years.

Leon Onufrio - Human

Sorcerer. Based on various journals and notes in the palace, Leon was still able to cast magic; deduced by the fact he cast a spell to protect Victoria so as to make attempting to feed from her unappealing to the other Spawn.

Has been a Spawn at least 6 years.

Was the Favored Spawn for 5 out of the recent 6 years. Violet claimed the spot for one year.

Victoria - Human · Child, Daughter of Leon. · Dalyria's journal claims that Victoria is still "pureblood", implying Victoria is still fully Human and not a Dhampir, hence her wanting to use Victoria's blood as a potential cure. Leon's journal also states that Cazador forced Leon to bring Victoria with him to the palace after Leon had been turned, implying she hadn't been turned. · Cazador weaponized her safety as a method to maintain control over Leon. · If you use Speak with Dead on Victoria's body in the guest room, she claims she was an orphaned child who had been lured by Dalyria before she was killed. · Leon's journal reveals he had been making plans with Figaro to disguise and sneak Victoria out of Cazador's clutches. It can be deduced that he succeed and swapped his daughter with the orphan Dalyria had lured, and somehow enchanted or disguised her to look like Victoria.

Amanita Szarr / Lady Incognita

Cazador's niece who was forcibly turned into a vampire. Her entries claim that Cazador personally summoned her.

Her various entries begin in 1477, when she was 13. Astarion was turned in 1300 DR, so he would have been alive during these events and would have been aged 216. Which means this occurred 15 years before the game.

Wrote a journal detailing that the blood diseases Red Thrombosis and Thandals Paroxsym could give a vampire a brief illness if they ingest infected blood. She also states a vampire could train themselves to recognize infected prey by scent before biting them.

Servants:

Antwun Dufay - Chamberlain

Lurianna Sauvage - Werewolf · Lover of Antwun

Godey - Skeleton - Right Hand

Syrin - Human

Greenfern - Wood Half-Elf

Vilhelm - Human

Varderola - Human

Astarion's Named Victims:

Sebastian

Astarion states he was one of his first victims.

Wensleydale

Hapdim

Gondlemead

Likely Astarion's most recent victim, due to being the only Level 1 when you check the prisoners' stats.

Note: Please look at this post that clarifies Larian potentially made an error regarding the dates on his tombstone.

[hillbillyoracle]

As an ex-fundie, every time there’s a conservative related tragedy, I just really want people to realize that there are two levels at which the religious right in the US operate. 

There’s the select few that are using the movement as a means to coalesce power for themselves. They know what they’re doing, they understand it’s not rooted in religious morality, and you’re never going to convince them of shit. 

There’s the much larger group of genuine believers and their beliefs are actually internally consistent much more than the Left would have you believe (saying this as a Leftist). 

Per gun violence, yes many of them would indeed rather risk their child’s life ending (and in their view, them going to heaven) than limiting guns. 

Something that doesn’t get a lot of media attention outside of fundamentalist churches is that most of them have an emphasis on what I can only describe as apocalyptic fascism. It’s this idea that the end of days have already begun and we’re living in the first phase of the apocalypse and ultimately the return of Jesus Christ. So people shooting up schools is a sign at that escalation and - while no one will admit it - there is an idea that if someone passes away, they’re being spared seeing the more grizzly impacts of the apocalypse as it progresses. That they’re kind of lucky. 

They also think that any limitation on guns is more dangerous. They believe True Believers will be rounded up and exterminated at some point (yes, the irony is not lost on me). That one of the signs of the apocalypse escalating is that being a Christian will be effectively outlawed. The select few using the movement have framed protecting ones family as a intrinsically Christian value so - as you might see where this is going - any attack on owning guns is an attack on Christians. 

I want to be very very clear that I’m talking about fundamentalist and charismatic Christian churches - not each individual fundamentalist and charismatic Christian, let alone all Christians. I can tell you from personal experience most Catholics and Episcopalians I’ve met when I related some of my experiences as a kid are generally respond with “what the actual fuck.” 

So why am I writing about this at all? Isn’t this like a divination blog? Well, one of the Left’s favorite coping mechanisms after tragedies is to funnel that frustration in to picking apart the so called idiosyncrasies in fundamentalist Christian dogma. While I understand it, I just want to help dispel the idea that it’s in any way useful. I want to frame that reaction for what it is - a reaction, a sign that a community in mourning and under real material threat has unmet needs.

But the illusion that what you’re doing will impact people in some way, that being technically correct will protect you, is a trauma response and doesn’t actually take care of the trauma. It tends to make another group a monolith and create more fear and aversion in oneself. Which makes further trauma reactions more likely to less stimulus. And so on. It’s understandable but it’s also avoidable. I just hate seeing folks in my orbit set themselves up to deepen their trauma through participating in ineffectual means. Believe me, I have been there and...yeah. Trauma reactions never heal trauma in my experience. 

So what to do instead? 

One, vet the information you’re sharing. See if you can confirm it with a known valid news source. If you don’t have the energy to check, just pause on sharing things. You can always share later. It’s important people have accurate information and not info based on fear or theory. One the best ways you can help regulate your community’s nervous systems and not make potential trauma worse. 

Two, if you have a personal relationship with people in or still connected with the fundamentalist Christian movement and if you are in a healed enough place to do it, they need your love and compassion. You want to know why my family is substantially more open to social support services and some gun restrictions than the average Fundie family? Because of good faith conversations. I didn’t police which words they chose to use and focused on arriving at a mutual understanding of each others positions. Over time, they’ve shifted. It took about 5 years but most now vote Democrat which would have been unthinkable years ago. They’ll never credit me and I am 100% okay with that. Cause that’s often what it takes to change hearts and minds. 

These conversations need to be held in private, away from the public spotlight where people, in my experience, are more open to change. If you’re going to attempt it, the first couple attempts might be rocky. I encourage you to cut things off when you feel yourself getting too angry or you lose touch with compassion. Remember that it’s less about supplying them with facts and more about trying to understand their position. By trying to understand their reasoning alone, you’ll likely change how they think because the perspective your questions come from alone will generally cause them to think about their belief in new ways. Then give it time. 

Trust the process. This is basically how my friends helped me begin to break free of fundamentalism as a teenager. By having those conversations, you are engaging in activism, because what most destroys the hold those select few have is their flock beginning to realize the nature of the wolf leading them.  

This is one of the reasons I think one of most valuable things we can do as ex-fundies is to heal our relationship with Christianity enough to reengage with it. It’s almost like being bilingual. We know the language, we know what is culturally significant and why, we know what events are treasured and what causes fear. We have the ability to, if we get to a stable place, to best engage with them on their own terms. Which is why so many churches demand friends and family cut off contact with us. They know. They fucking know. 

Three, if you don’t have personal relationships with fundamentalists, join larger efforts. I know a lot of people think of protests and they are good, but other work is often needed. If you can provide material support like money - do so. If you can’t or just want to do more, I really can’t understate how useful calling in, writing emails, and writing letters is. I’ve seen direct change from those efforts. 

So yeah, this was...way longer than I meant it to be. But basically, one, the fundie political ideology is internally consistent so the nitpicking is just for you but it’s honestly not that good for you and there are ways to actually meet the unmet need you’ve got. For me, this whole process can intersect with shadow work which is why it’s been on my mind lately.