#i have so many thoughts but i just woke up so i cant articulate them akdjsjsn

[bluntz420x]

Is your birth year an odd or even number? Odd.

Which one of your friends is the most outgoing? hmm, probably the younger ones, lol.

Have you eaten any of your favourite foods today? i just woke up like an hour ago, so no, i havent eaten anything yet today.

When did you last find yourself in an awkward situation? if i paid attention to stuff like that, probably more often than i think.

What did you have for lunch yesterday? i think all i had was a bagel, before dinner.

In school, which subject(s) do/did you find the most difficult? applied maths, like statistics.

Who was the last person you Facebook messaged? What’s his/her star sign? wow LOL, i have no idea. i joined facebook like 15 years ago.

Who did you last say “thank you” to? Why? probably kyle. he ran in the house two times to get stuff i forgot.

Name a band you like, that starts with the same letter as your surname. nothing is jumping out to me.

When was the last time you ignored, or went against, someone’s advice? ha, i think this is another one of those things where, if i paid attention, id know the answer.

What happened? lol see above, who knows.

How many different towns/cities have you lived in? ive never lived outside of the greater metropolitan area of the immediate city near me.

Who is the 10th contact in your phone? What’s his/her favourite food? LOL thats someone in my neighborhood. i dont know them personally at all.

When was the last time you felt your heart racing? last night.

Have you ever had a kinky dream about a celebrity? OF COURSE DUH lol.

How old were your parents when they met? when they met, i believe my mom was around 25 and my dad was around 30. could have been maybe 2 years before that, tops. they didnt date long before getting pregnant with my older brother.

When was the last time you had Nutella? a few months ago. i binged it and got tired of it.

Who is your favourite character in “The Simpsons”? lisa, hands down.

How about “The Big Bang Theory”? i dont like that show. its never been that funny to me.

What are your parents’ middle names? this is a security question if ive ever seen it, lol.

Who is the 2nd contact in your phone? What colour are his/her eyes? i just saw him the other night and i have no idea, LOL. dude is high af whenever we hang out so XD

Name someone with a sexy sounding voice. my husband.

What genre(s) of music did you listen to 10 years ago? same stuff really. ive had eclectic taste my entire life.

Are your eyes the same colour as your sibling’s? yes, just different shades. my brother has the lightest eyes, my sister is the darkest, and that leaves me in the middle lol.

How many pets do you have? Would you like any more? i have 3 cats and 1 dog. i definitely want more, when we move into a larger space with a yard. i think max cats in a house will be 4 probably, max dogs will be 2.

Do you prefer still or sparkling drinks? still. i cannot stand carbonation.

Is there a song you can’t stop listening to atm? not really. i love reggae lately.

What colour are the eyes of the person you have feelings for? my husbands eyes are blue.

Is there a song that you’re fed up of hearing? no lol.

Did you have a strange or interesting dream last night? i cant remember my dream from last night. i think it was all right. i didnt wake up uneasy lol.

Has anyone ever told you that they loved you, and you couldn’t say it back? hm, if yes, it happened so long ago i cant remember lol, sorry.

Name 3 things that are in your refrigerator atm. milk, creamer, butter.

If your Facebook status doesn’t get any likes/comments, does it bother you? no. if i post, i post because i want to, not because im looking for attention.

Which friend do you confide in most? kyle mostly, then lizzy second.

What does your 6th text message say? pfft who knows, modern texting isnt like that.

What was your most recent reason for smiling? :) probably kyle lol. its usually kyle.

Do you struggle to articulate your thoughts and feelings? not really. i have worked very hard to get decent at that.

Have you ever watched a Sons of Anarchy? nope.

Do you want to see The Woman In Black? i would, i guess. i like daniel radcliffe. it just looked too scary at the time.

Has a random guy ever asked you for your phone number? i dont think so.

Has a guy ever pulled over to ask for your number or call you hot? LOL no, the opposite actually, ive been heckled.

How attracted are you to the last person that kissed you? quite!

Name something that you are doing tonight. putting off actual work lol.

Are you a jealous person? uh, i mean i have the capacity to be jealous, but i dont think id be described as a jealous person.

Do you like February? not really. its the shortest month of the year, but because its at the end of winter, it feels like the longest month of the year.

Where have you lived throughout your life? just around the current area.

Have you ever known a white supremacist? probably. im pretty outspoken tho so i doubt a supremacist of any variety would tell me that they are.

What were you doing an hour ago? ugh, sitting in this same spot at my desk, feeling less lost i suppose lol.

In regards to who do you think ‘what if?’? Link XD "what if he was real" no other what ifs anymore.

Do you like the smell of a barbecue? fuck yes.

Do you get excited when you find Sanrio products at Wal-Mart? no.

Are you 420 friendly? absolutely!

Do you own a Champion’s sport bra? champions? like champion brand? no.

Do you watch Justified? nope.

How many cups of tea of coffee do you have in a day? 1-2. i drink half caff usually though.

Do you own a varsity jacket? no.

Dolce Vita or Jeffrey Campbell? who?

Ryan Gosling or Channing Tatum? oof… ryan gosling. hes more my type.

Has anyone ever called you apathetic or unemotional? LOL yes, both. a therapist before, actually.

Would you rather someone you loved passionately hate you or be indifferent to you? hate me! then i have a goal to make the feeling mutual.

Have you read Wuthering Heights or Jane Eyre? no, but i want to.

I bet you miss somebody right now? duh!

What are you planning on doing after this? work. snooze.

How much money do you spend in a month on clothes or accessories? barely anything. i dont like shopping like that anymore.

What was the last clothing item you wore that doesn’t belong to you? i wear kyles shirts and pants sometimes, but his stuff is my stuff LOL, so… good question.

Do you watch Jersey Shore? no.

Do you have a thing with someone? yes, my husband.

Do you have any bruises on either of your legs? i found a mystery bruise on sunday, but that happens lol.

Who was the last person to touch your stomach? kyle.

Something tragic just happened. Does your facial expression show it? most likely. im not good at hiding stuff, at least to people who know my face well enough. to those that dont, i tend to show RBF apparently.

Who is the cleverest (crafty) person you know? i really dont know. i dont like crafts, or craft people lol, so i cant think of anyone in my life like that rn.

Do you think people who know a lot of facts are really smart? no. i think most folks know enough facts to be impressive.

Welcome! And you are? your mom.

When you buy/recieve new clothes, do you instantly wear them or wash first? wash!

Do you hate using public restrooms? idk about hate. its necessary sometimes.

What’s the weirdest item you’ve seen for sale on Ebay? pft i saw a meme of a walking stick that was a bull's penis, iirc.

Do you check to make sure there’s TP before using the restroom? ha! i wish.

Do you drunk dial/text? i used to, as if it was a pastime.

Why are mall Santas always portrayed as drunken, depressed old men? search me.

Have you ever built a massive snow fort? i dont think so?

What household chore do you loathe? i dislike dishes, theyre usually gross because the boy doesnt rinse his dishes properly before putting them in the sink.

Are parents to blame for what their kids do on the Internet? nope! only if the parents allow unrestricted access to their children, then yes. its like kicking your kid outside in the general public to fend for themselves. what do you think theyre gonna do? children are mischievous by nature, dude.

Would you care to meet Tom, the creator of MySpace? not really. i dont care lol.

Have you ever looked at a person and thought they looked like an animal? omg yes! i love telling my loved ones what kind of animals other people look like sometimes lol.

Do you use acronyms to remember things? yes.

Do you take pills like Tylenol for the littlest aches and pains? no. i dont like increasing tolerance to pain meds needlessly.

What would you do for a Klondike bar? i wouldnt.

Don’t you think Crocs are ugly? yes, i do think they are ugly. and disgusting. if i see someone wearning crocks period, i know their feet are rank as fuck. i dont care if youre wearing socks, those are fucking PLASTIC shoes.

When was the last time you went rollerskating? a couple years ago.

What trend do you hate right now? i never like trends.

Do you really follow trends, or just wear what you like? i wear what i want to wear.

How many times do you think you go out to eat each month? too many times! too much fast food!

Do you call people “dude” a lot? yeah lol, i call everyone dude.

Who was your favorite Ninja Turtle? mikie was my favorite growing up because hes so food focused and funny. anymore, donatello, because purple is dope and hes the smarest guy.

Horror flicks make you: laugh, scream, or squirm? all of the above!

If you could become a doctor, what would you specialize in? psychology.

What’s the cutest thing a little kid has ever said to/in front of you? thats a good question. kids say the darnest things.

At what age do you plan on moving out? i moved out over 10 years ago lol.

Did any characters from TV shows scare you as a kid? Which one(s)? yes. the crypt keeper from tales from the crypt namely. the ventriloquist doll from peewee's playhouse.

What’s the saddest thing you’ve heard on the news recently? the news is always sad lol.

Do you believe that acupuncture works? i think that if someone believes it works and they get it done and they feel better after, it worked. like most things, i think faith is required.

Have you ever been hypnotised? nope, but id like to try.

If you got expelled from school, would you continue your education? LOL sure.

How long does it take before you trust a person? good question. im hard of trusting these days.

Do you ever wish you had Jedi powers? duh lol. i wish i had anything superhuman.

Will we ever get to see Jack’s face (guy from Jack-in-Box commercials)? i dont care.

Would you kick it with Jay and Silent Bob? YES DUH.

Say…would you like a chocolate covered pretzel? sure.

Would a wax museum scare you or amuse you? SCARE. even pictures of wax figures creep me out.

What’s the first food you can smell when you enter the mall? its been a long time lol, i doubt i know anymore.

Have you ever made a time capsule? What did you put in it? i never have.

What would you do if your mom or dad read your diary/journal/blog? this has happened before lol. they took me to the hospital and i got held for 2 nights, mandatory for any check in, even tho the doctor told me that night that i was fine. idiot parents lol. dont read your kid's shit and NOT talk to them later. what the fuck.

Do you turn the music up when a good song comes on? DUH.

Do you know anyone with a lisp? probably.

Do you hate going to the doctor? no.

Why did the dish run away with the spoon? Why not the fork or knife? i dont care.

What is the worst hurt you’ve ever experienced? good question. in recent memory, when i was under so much stress and trauma that my body locked up and i had to go to physical therapy at the ripe age of 32 because my back made me cry almost daily.

Do you wish time went faster or slower? slower dude.

Do you write thank-you notes? for what? lol. i dont throw parties, i dont hold milestone events, none of that.

If you were to break a Guinness Record, which one would you try and beat? im just not interested. never have been.

Are you distracted by shiny objects? i mean, probably, i am an animal. but not for long.

What’s the coolest item in your room? HA! cool. probably my bed.

Are you grateful for what you have? i practice gratitude every day. im lucky it comes naturally.

Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar? who cares.

Are you scared of clowns? uh, they make me uncomfortable, but idk if im scared…

Are you accident-prone? isnt everyone? nah, not more than anyoneelse.

As a kid, what was your favorite activity on the playground? shoot, just kicking it with the homies.

Are huge muscles gross or sexy? not my thing.

Have you ever fished and caught something weird? never fished in my life.

Your final thoughts…? ugh, why didnt more time pass?

[vixenofthemist]

I JUST WOKE UP FROM A NAP AND CHARACTER PROFILES ARE OUT AHHHH

Im gonna mostly talk about the Golden Deer bc I've been waiting for forever for SOMETHING about them and now I have it I'm gonna run.

But some of my thoughts on the other houses:

Black Eagles: Nothing really caught my attention other then they have the most people without crests, and Dorothea hates herself :<

Blue Lions: Well... that certainly confirms the theory that the Childhood Friends don't accept Dedue very well aosjsj Sylvain is the only one who doesn't seem to have a problem with Dimitri no wonder he's so willing to work on his womanizing he's the only friend who isn't judging him (bc Ingrid HAS to not like that Dimitri has Dedue as a retainer and even if it didn't sour their relationship completely it had to have put some strain on it. No wonder she and Felix are seen together so often aksjsj). ALSO ANNETTES A SWEET ANGEL.

OK Now Onto the Golden Deer akjsjs (I'm on mobile or else I'd put a read more sorry akdjsj)

FIRST OF ALL- THIS???

DOESN'T SHE MENTION AN OLDER BROTHER IN THE ADVICE BOX??? I could be remembering it wrong but I SWEAR she was like "i have to write my brother but I dont know what to write him about so tell me". Someone please explain is my memory bad or is Hilda submitting false facts to the ask box for fun?

Hilda is definitely that girl who said "um excuse me we're having a conversation. Rude." To a teacher when they tried to stop her talking in class aksjaj

I love how persuasion is right in the middle of her otherwise totally normal likes lol i can just hear her listing off her likes and just saying that aloud so casually and the person she's talking to is just like "excuse me- wait what was that one in the middle??" "Fashion :>"

RAPHAEL HAS A BABY SISTER!!!!!!!!!!! I REPEAT RAPHAEL HAS A BABY SISTER AHHHHHHHH HE MUST BE SUCH A GOOD BIG BRO!! PLEASE LET NOTHING HAPPEN TO HER IF SOMEONE EVEN LOOKS AT HER FUNNY I WILL DELETE THEM

ASSJSHAJS Lorenz likes Monitering Claude LMAO, its his #1 hobby. Also we finally have a reason to have a rivalry with Black Eagles- Lorenz hates coffee but Hubert loves it. (Also he hates vulgarity lmao bet there was at least 1 time where Leonie and Claude just swore constantly around him for an entire day alsjsj)

Also what is a worthy women and how much do you wanna bet he's been slapped in the face for phrasing it like that bc he absolutely has to have been socked at least once.

Ignatz hates lightning and there better be some good found family fics of the Golden Deer helping him distract himself during storms!!

(Also he seems to really like the church so wonder how that goes with Claude aksjs)

Lysithea still adorable, loves sweets and cute things and hates bitter food aksjjss also hates anything physcially laborious what a gigantic mood

Ashe also hates ghost and as someone who thinks they'd be adorable together I love the idea that they're the couple that go see a disney movie while the others go watch horror (but they still get scared by the wind that night and call Mercedes to come take care of the ghost aksjjs).

Leonie's is exactly how I thought it'd be aksjsj don't have a lot to say except she's the big sister of the group and has for sure punched Lorenz in the face

Marianne and Claude are at the bottom bc they're my favorites and I have a lot to say about them akshshs

Ladakdjsj why does "long rides" make me think of a dating profile?? "Hi my name is Claude Von Riegan, I love long rides on the beach and tactically scheming as the sunsets. Pick me and I'll let you grasp any part of me you want."

Anyway SO pumped to finally have stuff coming out about Claude aksjsjs after what feels like years of just getting scraps we're finally getting some gosh dang FOOD and we DESERVE IT

His dislikes are interesting, like its so clear he doesn't trust the gods at ALL kasjjs and he clearly has a reason for that which I'm sure will come out in the main plot since its all about the church who are just a bunch of people blindly following Seiros akdjs

(Also who's gonna tell him he's in a fire emblem game and is just as subject to the rng gods as the rest of us? Leaving things to chance is the underlying tagline of the combat system cause sure you have a 95% to hit but there's still a chance you won't 🙃)

Love that he likes poetry, he is the guy who can rehearse shakespear by heart but mostly just spouts the existential stuff but will whip out a real romantic verse when the moments right (unlike Lorenz who only remembers the romantic stuff). Definitely is the guy who writes haiku jokes using haiku's and it drives everyone else crazy. Also I hc that he means long rides on his wyvern and not a horse bc ever since I saw that he can become a wyvern rider I can't not think of him as one akssj (I'm calling the wyvern Goldy the Golden Good Boy of the Von Riegans, Goldy for short, becauze it makes me laugh akdjsj.)

Also wtf does planning feasts mean??? What does planning a feast entail?? Is this just a medieval way to say he likes to party??

MARIANNE'S #1 DISLIKE IS HERSELF NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

WHO DID THIS TO HER WHERE ARE THEY AND HOW PREPARED ARE THEY FOR THESE HANDS???

PLEASE LET ME BE ABLE TO GIVE HER A HUG INTSYS!!!

Ok calming down I am SO fascinated by Marianne, cause she clearly has so much story to her and I for one can't wait to find it all out. Cause she's so different from the other nobles, all of them are quite confident and loud (in personality and color) but shes the exact opposite, and we don't even know what her crest is so we can't figure out who her birth family are and what happened to them that made her get fostered by the Edmunds. And the Edmunds themselves are just another hole because how do they treat her? I cant imagine its good? But perhaps it is and whatever happened to her birth family is why she's so depressed and lacks self confidence? Akjdkss Ok I'm just rambling now I'll stop but long story short I'm hyped to play Golden Deer and see what her relationship is with the rest of the house xD (especially Claude bc they have such different viewpoints on the gods and the church so their supports are gonna be interesting aksjjs)

[thenervousmedic]

I had a minecraft dream last night...

This is going to be a long post, but bear eith me, and take the time to read it.

I don't dream about minecraft very often. In fact this might be a first. I'm still in bed while writing this, as im afraid if I wait I'll lose a bunch of the memories.

It involved myself and a few members of the Dream SMP getting sucked into MC. Ironic, I know. Dream, George, Badboyhalo, Tecnoblade, Wilbur Soot, Tommyinnit, and myself. We all looked like our avatars... mostly, and even had some special skills i'll get into later.

To be clear, they were as they are in real life in terms of personality.

I've not watched the dream smp yet... maybe I should start soon. Anyway, side tracked...

The world worked differently than normal MC. It was more realistic, especially the combat and movement. Anything you can do irl you can do here. The drawback was that it made everything harder and more exhausting.

I was dragged in a month before the others, where over the next four weeks, I'd figure out how the lives system works; how difficult movement was; that crafting was nearly the same as normal mc; and how to build.

Five lives. There was a little tracker on the back of your hand, five squares for five lives. Each life you lost, a square would disappear. But it wasnt that simple. Every tine you died you'd feel the affects of the world more. Eating took longer, everything cost more and more realistic amounts of effort, and most importantly... taking damage would actually hurt.

On your first life damage was less of a danger and more of a 'stat' to just be aware of. Getting attacked, shot, exploded next to, ect wasn't too bad. But the more you died the more these things started to get scary. Arrows would tear their way in and ve painful to remove. You'd bleed and have actual wounds that needed care.

By the time the smp members were spawning in, I'd already been reduced to my last life. I was never good at minecraft, though im alright irl with a bow it didnt help much.

You spawn in unconcious. I'd lost my first life that way. I spawned above water. A painless drowning. I hadn't gone back to the ocean since, it scared the fuck out of me.

The first to arrive was Techno. I went back to spawn for the good sheep spawns there. Found him asleep in the grass. He was lucky no creepers had spawned.

Nearly everyone was bigger than me, I'm pretty small, so hauling this guys limp piglin ass all the way to my little safety shack was really hard.

Then Dream and George one after another. Badboy. Tommy... and finally Wilbur.

Wilbur was... a special case. He was a ghost. Just like his ghostbur skin had been. Fully awake, really freaking out. I was near collapsing from taking everyone else to my home, wasnt really much of a comfort, but I at least managed to convince him to come with me after the sun started to dip.

When we got back Wilbur helped me make beds. Couldn't have everyone sleeping propped up against the walls... Wilbur couldn't grab anything, but he could open and close chests. He also found out he could manafest things like his guitar, and a plushie orca. Things that made him a little less anxious. It was nice to hear music again.

I didnt get to talk to him long. We finished the beds, put everyone on one, then I immediatly konked the fuck out over the crafting table.

By the time I woke up, everyone was already awake and talking. The typical suspects. Why are we here, how, what happened, is this even real. You get the picture. I guess usually social anxiety, especially in the presence of people I admire so much, would've been a big stressor but after a month alone in this world I damn near started bawling at the thought of someone else even existing.

I told them all I know. We are stuck here, we have lives, dont fucking lose them it makes the game harder. The physics are just as janky as regular minecraft, mobs are much more articulated, armour actually has weight and at this point I wasnt aware of the little buffs everyone had to a particular skill.

Dream was incredibly good at exploiting the game's wonky system and parkouring, even of he couldnt nessesarily do it irl.

Techno was suddenly extremely knowledgeable about combat and could handle most weapons effectively. He was also a piglin-type guy which made him immune to fire.

George's coding skills translated directly into redstone knowledge, letting him build ridiculous machines with enough respources.

Tommy had incredible luck with loot and generally got good enchants.

And Bad was, thanks to his skin, some form of demonic entity and would be completely ignored by most hostile mobs.

Wilbur, as you know, was a ghost who could phase through anything and summon ghostly items.

We didn't find out everyone's special trait immediatly, of course. It happened over many days of trail and error trying to collect resources, build, and have fun.

Turns out my skill was useless by myself, hence why I never found it before they arrived. Anything I gave to another person was twice as effective. Healing items helped more, food would fill them on smaller portions, armour would get a free temporary enchant depending on what they needed.

I'd never liked playing minecraft alone.

I'm losing some of the dream, I shoukd wtite some bullet points down or this post will be miles long.

Tommy accidently befriended a wolf, he named it Wilbur to mess with Wilbur. We had two Wilburs.

Bad was constantly driven up the wall by peoples language but truly was using it as a coping mechanism early on because he was afraid of being stuck here forever. We made sure to swear occasionally so he'd get the oportunity to yell at us.

Techno lost his first life when a creeper blast threw him directly into Dream's sword.

Dream never got over it.

Wilbur started making more songs and even made a few targetted at the groups adventures.

Wilbur descovered if he goes into the floor he cant tell which was is up, this terrified him, he never went underground again.

George made automatic farms and eventually even non-minecraft typical things like a morning alarm clock, a compass that pointed to the nearest village, and invented new armour that was more lightweight but still protective.

Wilbur the wolf regularly barked at and mauled giant spiders before they got anywhere near the house, much to literally everyone's relief.

Bad learned how to read and write enchanting table symbols.

I taught Dream how to repair his clothes and in return he showed me how to build traps.

Techno learned he could talk hoglin, piglin, and villager.

Bad learned he could stare at endermen and mistakingly assumed everyone could so he told everyone else its ok to do so.

Tommy lost his first life to an enderman.

Wilbur worked with george for a whole week on special gloves that would let him touch stuff.

I took an arrow dangerously close to the lungs after Tomny's first respawn trying to bring him home.

Dream realised he couldn't take off his mask and wished he could see the world normally again, nobody knew what his vision was like.

Bad descovered a joy for cooking.

Bad also tamed a cat and named it Muffin.

Muffin the cat would ride Wilbur the wolf around.

Dream lost his first life to hunger after pushing himself for too long.

Techno took a wrong step in the neather and lost his second life to a seriously long fall.

I never knew what I looked like...

Tommy lost his second life being overrun by zombies without a weapon. We made a rule to never leave the house alone after this many deaths.

Bad descovered pretty late that milk is poisonous to him and thus cakes will kill him. He lost a life to cake. He was devastated.

Tommy built a cute campfire. He and Wilbur would mess around singing at it. Wolf Wilbur thoroughly enjoyed this.

I would stay up most of the night watching everyone sleep because I worried the house could get invaded or surrounded. They found out after Phantoms started spawning and made a rule that at least one of then would stay awake at night to make me feel better.

George built Dream an obstacle course with lots of moving parts and such. He ran it every morning.

I learned how to play guitar from Wilbur at the campfire.

Torches never burnt out after they arrived. No idea why.

That's all I can remember...

It was a hard dream, I was sad and angry sometimes... but the happy moments made it worth it.

I hope I return to that dream someday.

[scaredofrobots]

The Oath Pt 7

ON A03 / FFN CAUSE OLD

Sunday is the first good morning in a long time.

James wakes up before Sirius and goes to the store.

He’s got a project planned and doesn’t want to delay.

Although he spends more time at the mall than he intended- he doesn’t fuck up the muggle money (for once) and is damn proud of himself.

When he gets home Sirius is pouting until he sees James has brought breakfast (which is from a terrifying place called Waffle House Sirius is obsessed with) and forgives James instantly. They chat over greasy hash browns and too much bacon about seeing Lily again and what they want to do when they go back to England.

That is until James brings up his project.

The project which is somehow totally offensive to Sirius.

“YOUR BEARD?!?” Sirius exclaims, “but we look so distinguished!”

“I never said you had to shave...I just think that it's time,” James lies, “war is over...no need to continue the rugged soldier look.”

“If you’re wanting to get Evans to drop trou I’m pretty sure the rugged soldier look is going to be more effective,” Sirius grumbles

James takes a breath counts to ten. The he rolls his eyes and tells Sirius, “I’m not letting you piss me off today.”

SIrius chuckles and retorts, “Good luck- but you better get started. It took you long enough to shave when there was nothing there. I imagine this is going to last until phone call time so I am going out. I have Disneyworld tickets to buy and a day to plan for my godson”

And with that Sirius picked up their trash and headed to the kitchen.

Once Sirius is done, James heads into the loo to begin his project.

The “Rugged Soldier Look” is just a name he has given to his beard to avoid the truth.

James has gotten very good at avoiding the truth- to avoiding anything that makes him look past his disguise and see the man he has become.

He has created two versions of himself in his mind.

‘Before James’ and ‘After James’.

He hopes that in some small way- removing the beard, seeing his face for the first time in nearly a decade will take him back to ‘Before’ to a man that Lily will recognize, a man that Lily will still love and someone that by some fucking miracle she might forgive.

He begins to trim his beard and tries not to remember.

Growing a beard had started not by choice. Being locked in a dungeon deprives you of many things, and shaving is one of them. Near the beginning, he had asked….but they thought he’d use a razor to slit his wrists or someone's throat so he was denied.

James had been appalled. But now, now he’d done so many things that sounded laughable in comparison. He thinks this as he lathers his face with shaving cream.

After Sirius had come, and they’d set their plan to join he denied shaving again. Sirius convinced him to “make it look neat for fucks sake” and he’d agreed. Sirius joined in solidarity. Sirius had always hated the Hogwarts facial hair rule and was glad to grow it.

James grew a beard to hide.

To hide his disgust with the choices he was making.

To make himself unrecognizable in the mirror

The first swipe of his razor takes him back to his first mission.

Where he had to prove loyalty.

This first thing is the one thing he isn’t sure… it will be the last thing he will tell Lily….he isn’t sure if she will forgive him for it.

But he will tell her.

Even if it is the last thing he tells her.

He might not tell her for years- he might tell her tomorrow.

He has seen what secrets can do to people in the aftermath of this war. James has been so much a part of that destruction he feels cursed with his chance.

A chance at a fresh start.

They’d joined up shortly after James killed Pettigrew.

Sirius and Regulus- ever the storytellers revealed that Peter had come to set James free, and that James refused because he had finally “seen the error of his ways”.

Regulus had done an amazing job of having enough visits with James logged to prove it. That Regulus had convinced James and that Peter had been turned back by Dumbledore.

Sirius, of course, would follow James anywhere and that was their story.

The first time James had to smile at Voldemort, to kiss his foot and take the mark.

Then the tests.

There were many.

Anyone deemed less  than a pureblood was fair game.

The last thing he would tell Lily happened on the third day of tests.

James arrived into the atrium.

He’d barely slept the night before.

He was sure he would be discovered and that today was a trap.

James stopped short when he saw Severus Snape.

His jaw twitched. And he kept himself from lunging forward or drawing his wand.

That fucking bastard. If his final test was to kill Snape he would do it.

He would do it in so many violent ways Voldemort would never question him again.

“Potter,” Voldemort drawled, “Severus here says you were with each other at Hogwarts.  Close to enemies although you both had similar tastes in your filthy attraction to muggle borns.”

Swallowing his rage at the insult to Lily, James put on his best grin and said “Yes- well it seems we both woke up to our perversions and are trying to atone for them.”

“Yes….yes...well Severus here doesn’t believe you. I asked him for the one thing you wouldn’t do and well….I’ll just let you see for yourself.”

The doors opened and two death eaters brought forth a child.

A red headed boy who was cursing like mad.

“A muggleborn,” Voldemort announced in a bored voice.

James raged. He pushed it down and said deceptively calm, “What shall I do to it my lord?”

Voldemort grinned and Snape looked surprised-almost disappointed.

“Well- we know how effectively you are with Avada Kedavra…” Voldemort started

‘Good,’ James thought ‘Quick then. I can pay for my sins later.’

“But I’m feeling a little bored. Cruciatus I think….and then….make him forget everything about magic. We’ll send him to an orphanage to live with the filth like him,” he finished.

James nodded. Held up his wand and for a split second hesitated and then, “Crucio”.

Three hours later, there was no need for obliviate.

James rinses his face and looks into the mirror.

For a moment, he doesn’t recognize himself. Has he become so broken that even his old face can’t hide the brokenness?

Suddenly the phone rings, breaking him from his thoughts. Sirius must’ve returned while he was away because he hears his voice answer the phone, “Nigel Babbington’s office- how can I help you?”  

James wipes the remaining shaving cream off and tries to listen to what Sirius is saying. He hears “Evans” and darts to the living room. He tries to snatch the phone out of Sirius’ hand but is stopped. Sirius holds the receiver ever higher and tells him “You look like you’re fifteen”. James lunges and Sirius takes the opportunity to jump with the phone over the back of the couch.

James glares before Sirius tells him, “Calm down Prongs, Evans was mine first and I didn’t get to talk to her yesterday and you’re going to be intolerable when you reunite so I want 3 minutes.”

Starting to pace James tells him, “I’m watching the time.”

For three minutes all James can do is ignore Sirius and Lily’s conversation, pace, and stare at his watch.

It is a long fucking three minutes.

He tells Sirius, “Times up!” and somehow Sirius gets another minute.

James all but snatches the phone from Sirius and can only think to say “Hi, How was your day?”

The response is Lily’s laugh. So normal. Maybe they will be ok.

He listens to her talk about trying to get Harry to actually fucking pack. She outlines tomorrow and when she drops something on the other end she exclaims “SHIT FUCK!”

James scolds her, “Lily- please don’t fucking curse in front of our child.”

Lily scoffs and retorts, “Well I would watch my language but he did call a kid an arsehole on the playground the other day for bullying someone- so I think it is a lost cause”

“Sounds like his mother- that does,” James tells her and he is struck, not for the first time about how nervous he is to be a dad...will he be good enough? Will Harry like him?

Lily seems to sense this and tells him, “Well I think your son might wear a hole into this floor if I don’t let him talk to you soon. I’ll give some warning before we are out of quarters.”

Harry gets on the phone and James enters another world. His son is fascinating. He’s so articulate and funny and James has missed so much. He can’t wait to see him, to hug him and to learn about him in person. James is so excited by Harry’s description of football he feels like the air is sucked out of the room when Harry says, ““Well, Dad we’re almost out of time- Love you- here’s Mum”

He is extremely disappointed until he hears Lily again, ““Well, James- I suppose I’ll see you tomorrow”

Tomorrow. He can manage that.

His voice thick James tells her, “I suppose so….I love you Lil. I-I can’t wait.”

“I love you too- think you can keep Sirius in line for 24 more hours?” Lily asks

And her response is so Lily, trying to make sure he knows things will be ok- that some things well be the same he is obliged to respond, “Only if you promise to take him off my hands for the next ten years”

“You’ve got yourself a deal.”

And then the line goes dead.

James cant stop smiling for the rest of the night.

After he brushes his teeth- he looks in the mirror again.

He is smiling and for the first time in ten years, he almost recognizes himself.

[thereoncewereflwrs]

in where i find myself in the absence

i read an article last night that spoke of the fallacy of cooperatives. more specifically, it spoke on how cooperatives in actuality create the conditions for workers to actively participate in a capitalist market, rather than encouraging them to engage in deep class struggle at the workplace through union building. i instantly thought it was an argument missing in analysis, but i also found myself with each new paragraph asking out loud ’what exactly is the idea of a socialist economy in practice if it cannot start with a business set up that allows workers to become owners of the means of their own commodities?’ also and at the same time, i found useful how the article aimed at articulating the real tension in whether worker-owner businesses can exist within or outside of a capitalist political economy all together. this article didn’t make me think of you, but i did dream last night that you called me to tell me you had been married to a man - out of potential convenience on his end? because he had been terminally ill, you said - and he had died recently. you berated me for being so careless and caustic with my words and tone over the phone, and maturely told me i should calm myself because you just wanted to talk. clearly even in my dreams a similarly singular tension continues to prevail about whether i can in fact exist beyond my own conditioned responses or whether any improvement simply exists within those confines. my body, muscle memory, and even (sub)consciousness are like the boundaries of capitalism, and maybe my aims to improve myself beyond what i am are mere attempts at participating in my own free market under the guise of pseudo-socialism. 

i don’t know why i felt like writing to you - or maybe this could be considered reaching out? i woke up from the dream carrying the emotions and thoughts i had held while dreaming it, and i spent all day attempting to untangle myself from the made up scenario my sleeping mind had conjured that had felt so tangible it had made me lose track of reality. in the dream you had insisted that we meet up (again, your suggestion was met with childish remarks on my end) and throughout the day i kept thinking i needed to rush home and shower so that i could get ready for this meeting, as if you had jumped from my sleeping mind onto a table at a nearby coffee shop and were ready to continue scolding me. beyond this sensation that i haven’t been able to shake off regarding this fake conversation that never took place but was so real in my mind it feels like it did, it’s become increasingly hard to reconcile just how much i’ve wanted it to have happened with how much i know it won’t ever happen. you see, i’m just all types of fucking angry all the time about you and everything that went down, but this isn’t an email about that or about my anger, i promise. this statement is just to say that i am upset with myself for wanting what my logical mind has strictly placed off limits: to just be in your orbit without the memories of the past year and a half weighing me down. 

i’m not asking for that now, so don’t worry. i’ve thought over and over again about your general anxiety with receiving emails from distant folks whom you feel bound and committed to in some way or another. probably you’ve already done the work to extricate yourself from those ungrounded self-imposed obligations, but maybe you haven’t. and if you haven’t, well maybe you’re reading this email (maybe you’re not at all, maybe you didn’t even open it, in which case these words are just space on your google cloud and don’t matter at all and I can make some ridiculous confession that will never be seen) and feeling pangs of anxiety and dread at the idea that soon after you’re through you might have to set time to process it all and then perhaps consider actionable steps around whether you type a response or not. or maybe you haven’t worked through this particular anxiety but you have worked through our failed friendship and no longer feel or think anything about me and these words are just boring and slightly sad because you had wished i had just stopped thinking about you all together and would leave you alone. in deep retrospect i can understand that this particular anxiety that you have, combined with my conditioned response to pretend that nothing or no one i deeply care about can hurt me in a real way, is a dangerous thing. 

anyways, this email is sort of pointless. it acts as a creator of self-inflicted anxiety and self-indulgence more than anything else. i’m not going to ask anything because that would put us both in a really awful position, right? it forces you to decide whether you answer me back or not and brings with it all the implications and annoyances that come with either of those things. and it puts my pride on a heavy and potentially unbalanced line, in where the only proper way of restoring it would be for you to send me something in return. if you do, then that’s a mess, and if you don’t, well that’s just a mess too in its own way, just less compromising and collective. instead i’ll say sometimes i think about you and wonder so many different things, and sometimes amongst that wondering i wish certain things. i can imagine all kinds of shit about how you are, where you are, what you’ve become in the last year, and most of the time i have no choice but to let my imagination do its thing. but ~sometimes~ im able to actively wish you were well, healthy, somewhere you want to be, with the people you want to be with, and that you are no longer entrapped in relationships that make you feel cornered or unable to set your boundaries. those wishes don’t come often, but in the spirit of having felt that we had talked on the phone, set up a meeting time and place, and felt that we would be alright after all, i wished that today. that’s good enough for now.

p.s. here is the article i mention above, but be warned, it's not consequential enough to even warrant a read, imo https://organizing.work/2021/01/you-cant-win-without-a-fight-why-worker-cooperatives-are-a-bad-strategy/?fbclid=IwAR07R1hJogQ8cemiH9vZfLbSOJa6AnoCufPTeEG-QzzpDW_X3Qt2h8tZm9Y

[stemcelltransplant-blog]

Saturday, March 25, 2017

So this is weird. Not exactly sure how this notebook works but it looks really cool. I even set it up on my phone. Tots want to transfer all the lists from notes to this on my phone. So today. Too many thoughts unsure where to start. So this is gonna be a ramble.

 I'm watching Chopped right now. Cant pay attention to it. I try to watch and I cant focus. No idea whats cooking. No idea about the basket ingredients. My head cant focus on the show. I keep thinking.

 Good sleep last night. Woke up at 6:30 to begin my day. So enjoying waking up and thinking. It's the best thing ever. I havent been able to this in so long, its like my brain just turned on. Papa says I just gave myself permission to do other things. 4 years of just focusing on colitis and tv and now its like the world has opened new opportunities.

 Tots feel bad for not formatting this. Or being articulate. So scatter brained. BRAIN TURN OFF!!!! Or at least calm down.

 Kinda feel like its fine though. My writing is showing how im thinking. Makes me feel cool. ;)

 This will be great on a blog. I have so many plans for recording this trip. Excited.

 Ok so back to today. Woke up feeling good.

 Hoping not to repeat anything from this entry to another entry.

 Ok, ok. Focus. Now I want guddo to see what she thinks about this journal. She always stole my journal when I was small and said it was boring. Like just a list of events. No emotion or feelings or anything juicy. Thinking this is a better attempt.

 Ok, really. The point is to focus on today. Feeling like I should do something artistic and focus on the whole transplant thing if its gonna be on a blog. Nah. This is better.

 Woke up happy. I started reading this MIT tech magazine. So interesting. Wanting to start reading about advancements in tech. and to read research articles.

 Then, I started looking up things for guddo. So happy her application deadline isn't passed. Tots freaked out the other day that all deadlines are gone.

 Really wanting to color right now. Its actually really soothing. Gotta finish the entry though.

 Pass order was perfect today. Got out at noon.

 Then went to the best massage ever. You got no idea. My masseur is an angel. (love the background noise of tv) She had perfect pressure, perfectly warm hands. Perfectly hot hot stones. Hehe. Hot hot. Ive had several massages, but this is the best one yet. Ive never moaned in my life but I did today. I was so afraid that I was making it awkward.

 I keep peeing. WHY? Every freaking 20 minutes! :(

 Yeah im gonna say everything. No barriers. No embarrassment. Having people look at your butt for the last four years because of colitis.

 By the way, the relaxation room before and after a massage is something everyone should do. It's so calming. You should definitely arrive early enough to get 30 minutes in the relaxation room before your massage. It's great being surrounded by people, all on comfy couches, enjoying soft music. So calming. Therapeutic.

 Post massage.

 Ok, so now I want to start this on a blog and make it public for people to read daily if they're interested. But my mom says I jinx things when I do that. I'll talk to Guddo, Mama, and Papa and analyze their opinions. Probs gonna do it anyway. I want to keep my friends updated but I also want to make it public and see if I can be popular. (my dad is taking a pic of me right now for the family) So vain, I know. But I think it's ok. Might just skip asking everyone.

My daddy's picture

 Gotta pee again. Ugh. So frustrating.

 This is taking so much longer than expected but I'm really enjoying it.

 Loving my life.

 Ok, after massage. Went back to apartment (dad has an apartment nearby to get to nih when I get discharged from hospital and need to come stay in area for biweekly checkups) Opened packages! Got my new disney jacket, cherry blossom hand sanitizers, fan for hospital. Then, just changed and got ready to go. I keep wanting to work on my LEGO castle but with always doing something everyday I don't get time to do things at the apartment. T_T

 So back to hospital we go. Currently hooked up to IV pole thingy. 12-6 is basically the only time I'm unhooked when I can be everyday (some days I have extra medications so the schedule changes some times.

 Almost forgot to mention pizza. Right after leaving the hospital, I convinced Papa to go to &pizza. Half the fun of eating is eating with another person.

  So ive been without food for the last 5 weeks. Docs wanted to do a bowl rest where nothing goes through mouth except meds and water necessary to take them. For some days now I've been allowed to slowly add clear liquids. Basically one item a day, slowly increasing amount of liquids everyday while reducing my high dose steroids every few days. Clear liquids includes tea, chicken broth, italian ice, etc.

 Back to &pizza. We took lots of videos of the process. Such a good smell in the restaurant. So many toppings. I recorded the people there, my dad ordering, the food. Videos are great ways to save memories. While my dad ate, I had some sweet tea and cherry italian fruit ice. It was so much fun to just take him out and eat together after so long.

  Btw, I was readmitted to hospital 5 weeks ago for gvhd of the gut. More on that later.

 My dad hated the pizza but I think he enjoyed the experience. And then, of course he complained about the bad food afterwards and how I owe him another pizza. Blah blah blah.

 Ok, back in hospital now. Getting tired. Think im gonna stop for today. Anything I forgot to mention, sorry. Going to Tumblr now, starting new blog, posting on FB, bypassing parents (though I did ask my dad about it). Peace out.

[lanceprance-blog]

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They are so timid that they are not able to understand the requirements of the people or articulate these desires in ways which move the people toward their satisfaction; are intellectually inept and are not correctly educating the masses and inspiring them to notice the huge electric power which lies dormant in just by themselves; are co-opted and put into strategic placement by the ANC federal government even if they ended up rejected by the communities and the African voting polity. They really don't appear to be doing the job a great undertaking(The ANC), but they have stopped some of the most egregious attitudes towards Africans, but other issues have arisen and will dealt with greatly and with an eye on the course of that the write-up apartheid now ANC governing administration; with opposition from the former Apartheid regime means, that Apartheid is even now alive and very well in South Africa, and the struggle to stop it is not an effortless undertaking and going nowhere fast. There are many factors that have not been talked about about Apartheid in South Africa that will be appeared into by means of different Hubs(As one now pointed to higher than), that will be focused on the 'so-in which-to-now features of the process of deconstructing the Apartheid record which even now impacts and controls the lives of millions of Africans, and all these who still are exploiting(As the ANC is operating currently), its lingering effects, and the facilitative character and the potent abusive electricity it nonetheless has on the victims of different development by the ANC. I USE TO HEAR LIKE ANYONE IS CALLING MY NAME BUT AT TIMES ITS APPEARS LIKE IT WAS JUST MY THOUGHTS EXECUTING THIS TO ME BUT ONE NIGHT WHEN I WAS SLUMBER I WOKE UP AT MID EVENING AND I SAW A BLACK GIRL STANDING AND LOOKING AT ME I WAS SCARED TO HELL AND LIKE I CANT SHOUT OR CANT EVEN CHAT GOT PARALYZED. I have the other boy put two steel brushes like this Swix steel racing brush below his buttocks mainly because in this position his buttocks tend to slide to the flooring: the moments when they could lie comfortably in the bed beneath me are about. The manner in which I acquired to go through and generate, not only had excellent influence on my own head, as I acquired it with the most perfect ease, so A good deal so, that I have no recollection whichever of understanding the alphabet-but to the astonishment of the household, one day, when a reserve was shewn to me to retain me from crying, I begun spelling the names the names of diverse objects-this was a source of ponder to all in the neighborhood was regularly improved at all options, particularly the Blacks. It can be a day right before the elections, tomorrow on the May 7 there's so A good deal action, folks are getting bussed-in in droves; And the folks were being given a treat today in Orlando Stadium they are checking out see a football event for 'Free"; you will find a good deal of chat and loud music, liquor flowing and in some way, a sad march and realization towards setting up a governing administration, which the folks know will be worse than the over and above 20 a long time.

[viralhottopics]

After 5 Years Of Relying On Medication, I Can Finally Sleep

Its been a long time since Ive written anything. And while my intentions were to blog every fortnight, this post has been extremely tough to write. For once I found it quite difficult to articulate my feelings and experiences, because of the personal nature of what I’m about to tell you.

A few weeks ago, I found myself chatting to one of my new friends, who is also an amazing business coach and mentor. He asked me how things were going aside from business, how are you feeling, just in general?. I thought about it and said, did you know, this is the first time in five years that Ive been able to sleep without taking a pill?

Insomnia has been affecting my ability to sleep properly since late 2010. It was kicked off by a freak hockey ball to the head incident, which then transpired into mental health problems (thanks, brain). Around 1 in 3 people have or have had some degree of insomnia in their lives. For an unlucky few (like me) insomnia is/was chronic. If youre one of them and are reading this, know that its okay, there IS a way out.

Back in 2010 I got a wild smack to the forehead from a fast flying hockey ball, I was briefly knocked out and I opened my eyes not even realizing what had happened, but bizarrely, I was laughing! It wasnt until I felt the huge lump on my head that it suddenly hit me (hah, pun intended). Soon after this, I had developed intense trouble sleeping and experienced extreme headaches and photophobia.

In my traditional headstrong fashion I refused to go to the doctor, that was a bad decision. Months later things seemed to be getting worse in my head space. After seeing a bunch of specialists and getting an MRI and all that, it was concluded that I had Post Concussion Syndrome (a minor form of traumatic brain injury).

Because of this, my health took a drastic downward spiral. I was lethargic, had constant headaches, was depressed, irritated, and slightly delusional. The doctors prescribed me dozens of painkillers to cope. I was studying a BMA at the time, and working so I could afford to live out of home and life spun out of my control. The brain does crazy things when it experiences trauma, and for a long long time I was not myself.

I was enrolled in a national head injury study. They interviewed me about the events and my experiences, then they interviewed some of my friends and family. Every six months my reaction time and short-term memory were tested, as well as my mood and general quality of life. It took almost two years for me to get back to normal. I dont know why it was such a long time, perhaps some people are more susceptible to these kinds of things. A lot of people in my family battle with mental illnesses. But even when I was feeling better, I still had to rely on medication to sleep.

Luckily for me, my doctors had refused to give me traditional sleeping pills such as Zopiclone, because of their addictive qualities. That was fine by me, I never intended to be stuck taking pills before bed. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldnt survive without them. At first it was Amitriptyline, a drug in high doses used to treat depression, but I was on it for headaches and as a muscle relaxant.

Sometime after I finished my degree in late 2012, I changed doctors due to not having access to the medical center on campus. My new doctor tried to wean me off taking the medication, I was all in. But it just didnt work. I went back to him after slowly reducing my intake at his guidance and tried a few months without anything. In mid-2013 I had more responsibility with my job which added some stress, and without any pills before bed I was getting between 1 and 5 hours sleep a night. I got sick a lot, gained a lot of weight, my mood was unstable, and I was quickly becoming very unhappy.

So I went back to my doctor, I was attempting to tell him that I still havent been able to sleep but I sat there crying in his office because I was just so exhausted and frustrated. I just wanted sleep. He recommended putting me through a sleep study and to see a sleep therapist, but this wasnt subsidized and I wasnt financially able to pay for such expensive tests (startup wages, am I right?). So, I opted for the easier just for now option. We tried something new, Quetiapine, an antipsychotic drug which in high doses is used to treat people who are bipolar or schizophrenic. I didnt get a large dose, only small enough to help me sleep. But even then I woke up every morning with a drug hangover and it took me hours every day before I could feel completely awake.

I lived like this for a long time, always having to take a pill before bed. Sometimes that didnt even work. I vividly remember how I felt after a huge hike over NZs Tongariro Crossing and then the 2-hour drive home. I was so tired, so exhausted after that I could hardly eat. I was thinking surely, surely I am this tired I must be able to sleep. But then as soon as my head hit the pillow my mind became awake, overactive and as much as I tried, I couldnt settle it down. A few hours later I begrudgingly got up and gulped down that damn pill, desperate for the relief of sleep.

This is when I started researching sleeping techniques. Over the past year and a half I have tried everything; yoga, meditation, walks in the evening, less coffee, less sugar, evening protein, writing down to-do lists and thoughts in a journal beside my bed, sleep tea, calm tea, chamomile tea, peppermint tea, Chinese herbs, sleep drops, lavender under my pillow, hops under my pillow, sleep apps with meditation, hypnosis, screen dimmers, installing Flux on my computer, melatonin, no screens (mobile, TV, Computer) two hours before bed, non-fictional reading before bed, homeopathy just everything.

Sometimes it would help, Id feel sleepy, try to drift off, then all of a sudden my mind would wake, even though Id be so so physically tired. I didnt know it was possible to feel so exhausted and awake at the same time. So I would carry on using my little pills to sleep and feeling hungover in the morning. I hated it, I never truly felt awake in all that time. And if I ever went somewhere and forgot my pills Id always get restless nights with little or no sleep.

A lot of time went past, living like this. After deciding to leave Hamilton to travel, I ended up in Perth, Australia. By the time I got here my little box of magic sleeping pills from New Zealand had run out. I attempted fate once more and tried to cold turkey my way to sleep. It really wasnt working out for me. The smallest noise, a single thought, any slight disturbance would set me off and my mind would begin racing once more. No matter what I did, I just couldnt sleep. There is nothing worse or more hopeless than the feeling of wanting and needing sleep so badly but you just cant get there and you realize your own mind is the only barrier to falling asleep. I remember thinking, how hopeless am I that I cant even perform the simple human function of sleeping?.

The one good thing that came out of these few weeks was my deep inner search for a reason. I didnt feel like my head injury was the cause of not being able to sleep, it just seemed like some sort of instigator. Im not going to share the details, but what I realized was that I had become afraid of sleep, and everything else was just an excuse.

I ended up seeing a wonderful doctor here who prescribed me some medication to sleep again and referred me to a counselor who specialized in sleep therapy. I gladly took the medication and debated whether I was ready for a counselor. I wanted to overcome my insomnia on my own (I had only just started acknowledging that this is really what I had), but sometimes you cant do everything on your own, sometimes you need to accept that you need a bit of a helping hand. And this is what I did.

The first session with my counselor was amazing. She knew what had happened without me having to say much, she said it and I sat there and cried. I cried as years of pent up emotion and holding back just escaped from me and it was so relieving. Her theory was I had developed an unconscious fear of sleeping because I lose control over myself and have to give in to the environment around me. I didnt feel . Of course, I knew logically that I was safe, but there was a deep fear within me that I had never let go of, a blocked memory; trauma. It had nothing to do with my head injury, that was a catalyst, as well as some other events that happened between then and now.

And so started my road to recovery. I went to the counselor once a fortnight. We didnt just talk about sleeping, we talked about a lot and it was really nice. I finally found an app that helped ease me into the sleeping mind-frame, Pzizz. Every morning within half an hour of waking up I get at least an hour of exercise outside. If not, I try to sit in the sun for 20 minutes or be active in some other way. I dont drink coffee after 3pm and limit myself to two a day (on bad days). I dont have much processed sugar, I write to-do lists every day in my diary so I dont lie in bed and think about everything I have to remember to do tomorrow. My bedroom has become an area for sleep every time I watch something on my laptop in bed it affects the amount and quality of sleep I get, so Ive stopped doing that.

Routines are also very important I do the same thing before bed every night. I also try to stick to the same hours, but Im still learning to sleep so I havent been using an alarm, just trying to slowly get back into the right rhythm. Right now I usually fall asleep between 12am, wake up at about 6, then go back to sleep until 9 or 10. Its not the pattern I love, and I still have many days where some nights are better than others, but Im getting there, Im improving and Im not giving up.

My mood has become better, my skin clearer, Im no longer getting sick every few weeks and my focus levels are at an all-time high. I still have a lot of work to do, but for the first time in over four years I can sleep without medication, and it feels so damn good.

Read more: http://tcat.tc/2k1UOuo

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