#i have this morbid fascination with addiction and i’m 100% sure it’s because i was raised by it

[inkykeiji]

i was just completely blown away by your post about agnes and what you said, it really really really resonated with me. i relate to everything you said and i remember reading in a post a while back that he was in the hospital and you felt conflicted about seeing him. i understand that. i also have a complicated relationship with my dad and i just love him so much but i could also be so upset with him because of the things he's done to me and my sister and my mom. oo i can't type too much!! -🧁

oh wow cupcake, thank you so much for this!!! i really appreciate hearing your thoughts, and it’s once again super comforting to hear that there’s someone else who can relate to it as well <33

tw: mentions of drugs + abuse

family in and of itself as a concept can be and often is so incredibly complex, especially when there’s something like drugs and/or abuse thrown into the mix. a lot of people (esp people online, i find) like to act as if these relationships are black and white, as if these feelings and these experiences can be easily and neatly sorted into defined categories when the fact of the matter is, they aren’t, and they can’t. obviously, abuse is bad—this is an objective fact we can all agree on. but when that abuse comes from a family member, a parent, someone who was supposed to be there for you and raise you and love you, it really muddies things.

i love my father, but i do not like him. i am hoping i can find it in me to forgive him for what he’s done to us before he dies, but i’m not sure it’ll happen. i still hold so much anger and bitterness and just generally negative feelings towards him, and in my twenty-something years on this earth i have only JUST begun to work through this shit. and he doesn’t have much time left.

[tawneybel]

Happy Mischief Night!

I’m on Lo Loestrin Fe for my ovarian cysts. I’ve been in pain since July 15th but it’s greatly subsided because I know the cause of it now! My period started on October 1st after skipping August and September entirely, maybe because October’s my favorite month and fall calms me lol. It also lasted thirteen days. Am I breaking out because I’m on the pill, or because I ate like three chocolate bars and a key lime pie this month? The only time I eat sweets is when I’m menstruating or it’s a holiday. 

My next gyne appointment is in late November and I wonder if I’m going to have to have a laparoscopy, ugh. I haven’t been able to do abdominal exercises since mid-July. Swimming was out of the question because of covidiots. :/ I also need to schedule my wisdom teeth removal.

The rest of this post is about the Ginger Snaps trilogy because I felt that series deserved its own review post. (Even if it’s short.) I haven’t written one of those in a while! There are so many notes on my phone from all the horror movies I ‘ve watched this year. These notes are from months ago so hopefully I remembered everything correctly lol.

Ginger Snaps

Less than two minutes in and a doggy died. But the rest of the franchise makes up for it. The first two are some of the few chick flicks I really like, alongside Carrie, Gone Girl, and Heathers. Brigitte is one of my favorite types of goth characters. You don’t require heavy makeup, all-black clothing, or to wear certain brands. Sometimes all you need are skeleton accessories, mostly black clothing, a dark soundtrack, and of course morbid interests. (The bone pens were so cute!) The Fitzgerald sisters’ fascination with gruesome deaths could be off-putting, but pre-lycanthropy they seemed like they had promising photography careers. 

Ginger and Brigitte’s mom was truly ride-or-die until the end. A deleted scene has her take the blame for the killings. I wish first period cakes were the norm. In a way I got one, because I reached menarche a week before my twelfth birthday. At first I thought the girls were fraternal twins. The silver belly button ring insertion was like a hardcore version of the earlobe piercing scene from The Parent Trap. Ginger Snaps is like a dark inversion of that movie, sortakindanotreally, where the sisters grow farther apart. At the end, they are without their parents. Not because the protagonists are left orphans, but because they felt like they couldn’t tell Mom and/or Dad about the paranormal aspects of Ginger’s belated puberty. Again, if you like Carrie, check this out. 

For a guy with three sisters, Jason sure was a d-bag towards girls. I like how he just walked off with a syringe in his neck. The audience never learns what happens to him. We never learn the identity of the male wolf from Unleashed, but the creators say it wasn’t him or Sam. 

There’s also some excellent dark humor. On hiding bully Trina’s body: “Shallow grave? I don’t know, just seems appropriate. Also, “I can see your gaunch!” Apparently that’s Canadian slang. 

Ginger Snaps 2: Unleashed

The first sequel I actually liked more than the original. I plopped it on my fave horror movie list. 

Getting hit on by someone who works at a place you frequent is not usually pleasant. Jeremy was kind-hearted, at least. Too bad Brigitte’s admirer had to off him. Okay, I can’t remember why, but I thought Dr. Brookner was a pervo like Tyler. Tyler’s a horrible person, but a great character. Because he took sex/ual advantage of young addicts, but looked out for Ghost. Again, horrible person, but his character showed you can’t clock a rapist 24/7. Unleashed is also great because it passed the Bechdel test without making a big deal about it. It’s just organic. Female characters talking to each other. 

As I said before, we never learned the Best of Bailey Down nor the stalker’s identity, but it made the movies feel more realistic, not having all the answers. “Beautiful” by Joydrop was a fitting credit song, because it describes Ginger and Brigitte’s relationship prior to the former’s death. 

Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning 

While this wasn’t as enjoyable as the first two, it’s definitely one of the better pieces of werewolf media I’ve consumed. The Beginning is basically a historical AU, although I think Brendan Fletcher is the only “original” actor besides Perkins and Isabelle.

This movie and THIR13EN Ghosts taught me JR Bourne was born to play a DILF. Teen Wolf introduced me to him, so I was already in love when I got to daddy Russell Lightbourne from The 100. (I have to catch up on season seven, now that it's finally on Netflix. I was having trouble accessing On Demand for a few days, when it took NOS4A2’s second season off. Darn it. The hourglass dude is hot. Still gonna write for it.) Bourne just ages so well. DADDY.

Song of the Day: “Halloween” by Aqua.

[leahslightlytotheleft]

more Gangsta s/i things

normal mother, deceased

not sure who father is as he was gone before i was born, but even still mother swears up and down he was a twilight

despite this, i’ve never been registered by the city and never had a dose of celeber, but have suffered no physical consequences due to it, so signals point to me being 100% normal.  still, for some reason i believe what my mom said, and think that maybe i just won the hagure lottery even though there’s no recorded cases of someone with a twilight parent who DIDN’T turn out a twilight

i have a morbid fascination with celeber and have always kind of wanted to take it because of the power it can grant you, but have resisted because i know how addictive and destructive it can be even to normals.

maybe at some point I end up gulping down a few uppers in a panic bc something’s going real wrong with nic in a fight and i’m like WELL I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING?! and then wow look at me go fucking come AT me, sons of bitches!

then nic and worick are pissed at me bc THAT WAS STUPID TAKE SOME DAMN DOWNERS YOU FUCKING IDIOT OH MY GOD

[ericwollersberger]

Crybaby: Lil Peep and the Abject Sublime

Lil Peep was a rapper who came up in the Soundcloud rap scene of the late 2000s and after his death of an accidental fentanyl overdose would achieve chart success with posthumous singles like “Falling Down (feat. XXXTENTACION)” and his second full-length album Come Over When You’re Sober, Part 2 (Billboard, 2018). Though he was one of the most popular rappers to come out of the Soundcloud scene and went on to influence a revival of emo music in the trap scene, he elicited extreme positive and negative reactions, often within the same person. In an article for Vice, “Is Lil Peep’s Music Brilliant or Stupid as Shit?” Drew Millard repeatedly makes reference to the “stupidness” of Peep’s songs, which according to him “oscillate between asinine and laughable,” but also seems genuinely fascinated with him: “I’m not sure whether it’s out of enjoyment, morbid fascination, or a genuine concern for the guy’s well-being, but I can’t stop listening to him” (Millard, 2016). Lil Peep’s music touched on a variety of dark topics like drug addiction, depression, and suicide, and featured instrumentals that melded trap-style beats with music that recalled and sometimes directly sampled emo songs from the 2000s by artists like Underoath, Avenged Sevenfold, and Brand New, an amalgamation of sounds that Millard deemed “gimmicky” and as “scream[ing] ‘bad taste’” (Millard, 2016). Antony Fantano had a more unambiguously negative view of him: “He’s trying to convince you of how depressed he is...but yet his lyrics are so substanceless [and] so meaningless and so vapid, it’s like he’s depressed for the fashion of it...The way he frames [his music] it’s like he’s creating this sexy, glossy, moody fantasy, not the literal mental hell that some people have to struggle with every day” (theneedledrop, 2017). In this post, I will attempt to explain the appeal of Peep’s music through a series of comparisons to the “abject sublime” appeal of country music that Aaron A. Fox describes in his essay “White Trash Alchemies of the Abject Sublime: Country as ‘Bad Music’” (Derno, 2004).

In his essay, Fox said of country music that “the real star performer is the speaking object - the talking jukebox, the house full of furniture but emptied of love, the bitter goodbye heard on an answering machine or read on a Post-It Note stuck on the bathroom mirror, the bottle or glass that ruthlessly seduces the drunken fool, the picture of a lost love on the wall that continues to accuse across the years” (Derno, 2004). There are uncanny equivalents in the music of Lil Peep, but transplanted into a modern context, with lyrics about heartbreaking text messages, cocaine, regrettable casual sex, and self-harm. Fox said of country music, while comparing it to cigarettes: “It is consumed in a fit of self-assertion mixed with self-loathing, with a passion for pain as a feeling one can at least inflict sometimes on oneself” (Derno, 2004). Lil Peep, like the abject country singer, is constantly (and knowingly) the victim of his own actions, but the tone of it is almost braggadocios at times, mirroring the “self-assertion mixed with self-loathing” that Fox attributes to country music and cigarettes. “Country music,” Fox says, “affects the stance that it is trashy music for trashy people, with a knowing wink,” and presents the following lyrics by “hard country” artist Dale Watson’s song “I Hate These Songs”: “Note by Note/Line by line/It cuts to the bone/Man, I hate these songs.” He points out that these lyrics are all references to other country songs and that “such narratively embedded intertextuality is a canonical trope in hard country music” (Derno, 2004). Lil Peep’s music functions quite similarly at times, but rather than referencing music that he despises, he samples music that according to Millard, “literally everyone [else] hates” (Millard, 2016). He samples songs by bands like Underoath, Avenged Sevenfold, and Owl City in extremely unsubtle ways, bands that were never particularly critically beloved (and importantly, marketed mostly to teenagers), and now are broadly considered to be relics of a bygone era (perhaps even “trashy”). A particularly interesting example is “Yesterday,” a song that prominently features a sample of the Oasis song “Wonderwall,” and features the lyrics “Today is gonna be the day that I’m gonna go back to you/I know I did a little blow and I never wrote back to you” sung in the same melody as the verse of “Wonderwall” (Lil Peep, 2016). “Wonderwall,” while undeniably a popular and beloved song, isn’t a sample he’s trying to impress music critics with, but there is an undeniable kind of bravado in his use of it. Conversely, the narrator in “I Hate These Songs,” Fox says, “lovingly demonstrates a deep familiarity and passion for the songs he professes to despise, as he wallows in his own drunken misery” (Derno, 2004). While it is unclear to what extent Lil Peep’s referencing of these songs was ironic, or if it was at all, Millard points it takes “a certain bravery” to use music like this as the central sample of a song in today’s musical world (Millard, 2016).

Lil Peep’s music could be shocking in its ugliness, and while some people read this as honestly and vulnerability and others read this as potentially problematic posturing, the fact remains that for better or worse, he made a huge impact on the current trap landscape. This could be simply chalked up to the fact that, like the music Peep is inspired by, it is mostly marketed to teenagers and explicitly affects a very teenage demeanor, but I believe there is something deeper at work. Fox describes the futility of analyzing country music’s “musical badness” by explaining that “badness,” at least in the case of country music, is “determined by social relations structured in hegemonic dominance and resistance, ease and abjection.” In other words, country music fans often love country because of its perceived “badness” or “trashiness” by people in better social and economic conditions. To the working-class bars of Texas, Fox claims, “country music becomes [their] music, experienced not as a pleasurable diversion of a solipsistic exercise in the judgment of aesthetic worth, but as a brilliant way of re-valuing trash, of making the ‘bad’ song, bad feelings, and the bad...subject not only good, but sublimely good” (Derno, 2004). I believe Lil Peep’s music functions similarly, although perhaps more on an emotional level than an economic one. He knew how to affect abjectness and depression in a way that, although it didn’t always seem genuine, and at times his tone could come off as laughably inappropriate, was at least enough to make (sincerely or not) posturing as a depressed person seem fun enough to at least temporarily alleviate any real problems someone could be facing, mirroring the “abject sublime” appeal of smoking and country music that Fox describes (Derno, 2004). Although acting out depression may be seen as unlikable or unhealthy behavior to a more well-adjusted person, it can provide a strange, temporary, and perhaps shameful pleasure to the person doing it, and Lil Peep built a career on this impulse. Whether you perceive him as genuine, musically gifted, or tasteful all become somewhat irrelevant in the face of this realization. Fox concludes that, in the case of country, and I believe this could just as easily be applied to Lil Peep, “discriminating judgements of musical badness and goodness miss the rhetorical point of the music itself, and the cultural essence of its practice. It’s all good because it’s bad” (Derno, 2004).

References:

BILLBOARD (2018). Lil Peep Chart History. [Online] Available at: https://www.billboard.com/music/lil-peep/chart-history/hot-100 [Accessed 24 October 2019]

DERNO, M. & WASHBURNE, C.J. (eds.) (2004) Bad Music: The Music We Love To Hate. London: Routledge.

LIL PEEP (2016). Crybaby [MIXTAPE]. USA: Independently released.

MILLARD, D. (2016). Is Lil Peep’s Music Brilliant or Stupid as Shit? [Online] Available at: https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/nznmag/is-lil-peeps-music-brilliant-or-stupid-as-shit [Accessed 24 October 2019]

THENEEDLEDROP (2017). Lil Peep’s Come Over When You’re Sober, Part 1: NOT GOOD. [Online Video] Available from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6q7UpIFY6xg&t=250s [Accessed 24 October 2019]

[frywen-babbles]

Rules: fill this out and tag at least one person you’d like to know more about! Or just fill it out! Or don’t! Answer only some of them! Make up your own questions! “What kind of requirement is that”, you ask? A reasonable one! Who am I to tell you what to do? Anything goes!

(Original questions authored by @cavern-of-bells , thank her!)

Tagged by @belxsar , thank you for the tag!

1. What kind of food can’t you stand?: I’m with you @belxsar , eggplant is horrible. It tastes too bitter, as does zucchini. Overcooked bell peppers are also disgusting.

2. If you could choose one minor inconvenience to never have to deal with again, what would you pick?: Packing. I’d love if everything important just packed itself without having to worry about fitting everything in and stressing about forgetting something important. I hate packing.  

3. Have you got any useless talents?: I don’t think my talents are useless, but I think lots of people think my profession is useless.  

4. If you could be really really good at one thing, what would it be?: Time management.  

5. Name a few people you think are extremely good-looking: Otome men?

6. What was your favorite way to pass the time as a kid?: Reading. I was obsessed, I could read several books per day if I just had the time.  

7. What is something you’re proud of?: My kids.  

8. What’s one character flaw in people that you just can’t tolerate?: Bigotry. In all of its forms, whether it’s terfs, racists, homophobes or neo-nazis.

9. Do you consider yourself to be more of a leader or a follower?: A follower. I only take the lead if no-one else will.

10. What kind of student are/were you?: A decent one? I tried to do my homework on time and had decent grades.  

11. Butterfly effect question! Has there ever been a seemingly minor decision you’ve made (at the time) that ended up having a profound influence on your life?: Yes. I went to watch Oscars with some friends and ended up falling in love.

12. Name your most irrational fear/aversion: Like funny irrational or terrifying irrational? I’m scared to put my hands over railings if I’m holding something on my hands or if I have rings because I’m sure I’ll drop everything.

13. Are there any fictional characters you find especially relatable?: From SLBP I find Mitsunari really relatable. I just try to appear nice and hide my tsun.

14. If you drink, what kind of drunk are you? Alternatively, what sort of person are you at parties?: I’m a sociable drunk. I’m one of those introverts that turn into extroverts when they drink. If I can’t drink myself nice, I usually sit in a corner, avoid loud music and prefer talking to 2-3 people.  

15. Do you fall in love easily? Or does it usually take a long time for you to trust someone?: I have crushes fairly easily, but I’ve fallen in love head over heels just once. Usually, it takes longer time, but I guess that one time was special?

16. Would you rather have one close friend or 100 casual friends?: One close friend. I’m too introverted to have a large social circle, but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy talking to lots of people.  

17. Do you consider yourself to be more of a slob or a neat-freak?: I’m both. I’m a horrible slob who likes to keep all closets and drawers neat.  

18. Describe a place (imaginary or real) that you would find incredibly cozy: The Shire from Lord of the Rings.

19. Do you have kids? If not, do you want them someday?: I have just the perfect amount of kids.  

20. What was your favorite book as a child?: I don’t remember what was my absolute favourite, but the book that I loved and what had most impact me as a person must have been Dealing With Dragons and the entire Enchanted Forest Chronicles by Patricia C. Wrede.  

21. Name one thing you just don’t get what all the hype is about: Game of Thrones and other overly violent and dark fantasy series. Give me back Buffy or The Legend of the Seeker or Xena. I had nightmares for a month when I tried to watch GoT.  

22. Name one thing that you think is tragically underrated: Barbie: Life in the Dreamhouse -series. It’s hilarious and filled with weird pop culture references.

23. If you had to be glued to a person for a month, real or fictional (who you have never met), who would you choose?: It doesn’t matter, I would SUFFER no matter who it was (and probably the other party would too, I’m a really nasty person when I’ve had too much socialising). I can’t even stand hubby for a month.  

24. What’s something you’d like the chance to do someday?: Travel more.  

25. Do you typically speak your mind when you have a controversial opinion? Or do generally prefer to not rock the boat?: I just loathe silently (but probably not discreetly) everyone around me.

26. What’s the dumbest fad you’ve been caught up in?: All the fads I’ve been caught up in were awesome, I have no regrets <3

27. What’s something you thought was cool as a kid/adolescent, but now cringe at yourself for?: Sexist jokes.  

28. What’s a trait you consider to be very admirable?: A passion to want something to happen so much you’re willing to put everything else aside. Like a passion to organise cons. It takes a huge amount of energy and time and still some people do it over and over again without any pay, just because they want other people to be able to enjoy themselves.

29. Is there a particular kind of item people always tend to give you as gifts? (For instance, people always get you things with ducks on them because you like ducks, etc.): I get things with cats on them a lot, I think?

30. Do you speak multiple languages? Which ones?: My mother tongue and English. I barely survive shopping in Swedish and know very little Spanish, Japanese and German.  

31. Would you rather live in the big city or the countryside?: Big city, the countryside is awful, everyone knows each other. And all the gossip. Nope.  

32. Has there ever been something you were certain you’d hate, but ended up loving?: Winx club. But I didn’t think I’d hate it, just that it wouldn’t be interesting. I teased hubby when he watched it but ended up being totally addicted instead.  

33. Do you mind being the center of attention, or do you prefer the spotlight to be on someone else?: I love being at the centre of the attention but at the same time, I’m terrified of it.

34. Favorite holiday?: Christmas.  

35. Are you a more go-with-the-flow type of person, or do you need to have things planned meticulously?: I need plans. I hate surprises. Depending on my anxiety level, I need anything from two days to an hour to prepare for small things.  

36. Is there something you loved so much you wish you could forget it and experience it all over again? (A tv show, book, series–anything.) : The Lord of the Rings hype when the movies came out. It was awesome, I loved every minute of it.  

37. What hobbies do you have?: Writing and playing otome games.  

38. If you could have a superpower, but it was only mildly useful, what ability would you want to have?: I’d like to keep house plants alive. Or have birds poop on nasty people.  

39. Something people are always surprised to learn about you: IRL people are surprised when I tell I play otome games. Some people find my profession surprising as well as if being a geek and beauty care are somehow exclusionary.

40. Something that took you way too long to figure out: That my body is good enough as it is. Somehow it needed +20kg to realise I wasn’t as fat as I thought I was.  

41. Worst injury you’ve had?: Tearing ligaments in my ankle. Twice.  

42. Any morbid fascinations?: Like everything? For example, I love songs that are supposed to be nice and calm but instead are about death and misery, like some lullabies and Christmas songs.

43. Describe your sense of humor: Sarcastic and pretty dry. But I also laugh at the stupidest memes.

44. If you had to be born in another era/place, which would you choose?: Good olden days suck. It doesn’t matter, I’d probably be dead anyway.  

45. Something you are irredeemably bad at: Time management.  

46. Something that sucked but you’re glad you went through: Pregnancy. It majorly sucked both times, but it was still worth it. Every other shit that I’ve gone through I could have lived without. It’s not true that “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. What doesn’t kill you may irreparably break and damage you and you might never be over some shit, no matter how hard you tell yourself that you are.

47. Would you rather have a really godawful ugly tattoo in a place that is only slightly inconvenient to conceal with clothing (upper arm, thigh, etc.), or the coolest, most beautiful tattoo ever in the middle of your face? (Neither tattoo can be removed or concealed with makeup, and the ugly tattoo will deeply offend anyone who sees it.): Facial tattoo.  

48. Are you more of an optimist or a pessimist?: Optimist, I think. I force myself to have an absolute faith that everything will work out, otherwise, I’d be an anxious mess incapable of doing anything.  

49. What would be the most flattering compliment someone could give you?: That they loved my writing. Or that I made them have feels and now they hate me ^^

50. Something you feel people often misunderstand about you: That I actually usually want to talk to them even if I seem standoffish or cold. I’m just not that good at talking to people I don’t know.  

Tagging @minnimay17 @i-dont-look-good-i-look-great @wonky-glass-ornament @thedaydreamingotaku @suzunesays