#i have to fucjing sleep im tired for once

[gravitycoil]

5/26/23

I actually did have a dream abt l4d I had ran into Ellis, Zoey, coach and.... Rochelle I think. I was like holy shit I know who you guys are and they were like ??? uhh cool and they let me join their group. I mention Bill and Zoey like stops me and puts her hand on my shoulder and is like "How do you know about Bill?" I don't remember what I said but Zoey's been trying to find him for a while. I tell her I'll help find him. By the way there's no zombies like the apocalypse is over. We all head into this city and into an alleyway where they lived together inside and abandoned apartment(?) there was a bunch of graffiti on the walls and the door was red but had paint chipping off of it and stickers on it. They usually hid the door behind a big wooden pallet. We're in the room and we somehow find out bills approximate location. We head out and I see him first of all he didn't look like himself like at all he was yassified in my dream HHDFGHJHDXVB he also was really fucking tall Im like holy shit it's Bill but he doesn't recognize any of us and also he has a job where he refills the potholes/cracks in the road fdfhgff (apocalypse really got to him) he doesn't recognize us and just hands me a bucket of this cement stuff and he's like "well since you're here we could use some help" and I just stand there with this bucket looking at him like ok... Eventually something really bad happens and there's a building falling down next to us and we have to run away from the death zone and hope nothing lands on us. I run into a building a bit away from the collapsing one and just hope nothing falls on this one. That's all I remember of the l4d dream. I dream shifted after that

my dream shift was that I was friend-enemies with Jigsaw and I made a deal with him that he could try to kill me if he could tag me so I was always alert and looking around for him I'm like friends with this girl I don't remember why we had to go into a giant building but we take a bus and we eventually get to the place we run in cause I didn't want to get tagged by jigsaw eventually I feel safe and let my guard down and the lights go off and I try looking around but can't find anything. I look back at my friend who wasn't there anymore I like mentally go oh no and back myself into a corner where I bump into jigsaw and hes just like "well you lost. I get to make a game with you now" and I'm like. great. The lights come back on and basically the first game was me choosing a random hiding spot and seeing if he could find me while various traps go off in random hiding locations. I try being real quiet and he brings out this trap that was basically a big rolling pin with blades around it and every so often they would shoot out in random directions. Some of them hit me but ig I'm built different and I don't even flinch or am hurt. He could hear my blood running down the floor and he gets out another trap that basically vaporized you unless you were inside a black box like shape I find one and hide in it I also have to close my eyes every time it goes off because it emits a blinding white light. I don't remember what happened next but eventually I lose again and he kills me by biting half my head off it didn't hurt it just sucked. Weird dream.

[mycomori]

gonna nap for a few hours before i have mh doctors appointment for my med card then idk what i’m gonna do. i need to cook this rapini i’ve got in the fridge before it goes bad. and try to figure out what’s doing on w work. i obvs cant go in tomorrow like i have covid i don’t even know if i’ll be back this week. i just wanna sleep. i also wanna get drunk because like fuck everything but i know that won’t help me and i’m getting real tired fo fighting w myself over it. like you are not drinking it will do nothing god for you for the love of fuckjng god get that through your skull being drunk won’t help it won’t help you’re sick it will jjst make you feel even worse jist smokes weed and sleep doenst help i feel like i can’t get high le mayeb im jjst fucjing out of it from being sick shit isn’t that bad like i don’t need to make it worse for myself i jjst wanna be really corsa faded and curled up w week food and my friends all together for once and watch donnie darko but instead i’m here fighting with myself over wanting to drink on a weeknight when i’m fuckjng sick like bitch just get rest drink water make that rapini and sh it the fuck up like i’m so tired of my brain and the more i give into its whining the worse it gets i need to stay strong

[tinyorangepotato]

I'm constantly so needy and jealous and I'm glad I don't (at leats I think I dont) show it because god that would be annoying. this is the first time in actually a little while since I have been unable to sleep when I wnat to (usually around 12 or 1. it's now 2:30 and ive tried to sleep) and im awake and energetic while being sleepy and if someone walked up to me and said hey let's go take a walk and chat, I would be so down to join. I just wanna talk but the one person who I would enjoy talking to will probably be back awake in 2 hours and hopefully I'm not still awake by then because I got work in the morning and I alreayd suck at waking up and now I'm going to sleep even later than usual.

anyqyas back to the main topic, God I just want to cuddle or hang out and watch a show or just lay down and chat and hang out with someone and I should've been selfish earlier when he got us in a vc but wanted to go to sleep at 9 but I can't. there's no reason for me to insist on staying talking other than I wanted to and I know he would be sleepy so not talking as much and has ti wake up earlier than I do and do more intense work which he gets almsot no break from and so he needs his sleep but what about me (that's sarcasm(proabbyl the wrong word). I'm not that needy... maybe)

but like one of my friends will go to a Halloween party and have a fun time and run around and drink and shit meanwhile I fucking wish. God im just so envious of anything and everything always. I wish I wasn't always the driver but I'm the only one of my friend group that can drive and make plans. i wish I had other people I liked to hang out with because , again, I'm the planner of my group and I dotn host parties or whatever and I just wanna feel like the movies show. where you go to a party (it doesn't even have to be like a huge one like how 21 jumpstreet has it or whayever) and hang out with peope and do crazy ish things and drink and run and jump on a tire swing (that's what I'm friend did) and man. I just want ti have fun. other people do either with getting new things so starting a new hobby or getting into a new show and talking about it constantly or going out somewhere and not having to worry about everything.

I don't know where I'm going with this. but fuck I want things. I'm now putting aside all of ym paychecks except a full tank of gas (fill up when I get paid) and 50 dollars for getitng food when at work or any emergencies. I have been giving myself like 150 but I realized how much I owe while also still trying to save up for a place which I think jm the only of the two of us saving but that's okay because he makes more and will be paying for more things and he's already actually paying for his car insurance and all that while I'm not so I can afford to be broke when I get paid.

I owe like 5k still for my teeth (it's all just paying back care credit and I think I ahve 10 more motnhs to do it but im paying like 300 everyone month and I get only around 1k every month. so hopefully I'll be saving around 600 every month).looked at places and even the cheapest trailer was still a down payment of around 7k menawhike ive got not even 3 saved up and my dad still owes me that 1600 but he's been having a rough time even in his new better job so that's still gonna be a while.

and once we do get the place, I'll have to buy a mattress and dresser and all that shit becaus ei don't ahve fucking anything. hell I don't even have my own 4 walls to kepe anything at the moment. I got a second technically 3rd) job but that pays like shit. it was legit paying minimum wage so not even 9 dollars a d I've made 70 bucks the first pay period I've worked there (2 weeks) which is dogshit. for 8 fucking hours. at my first, better job, I would've made close to 120 with taxes removed. but I cant fucking get mor ehours there because of my fucjing aunt

I love her and I like to help out and she's the onyl reason I have a car and insurance (car insurance thay is) and have food every day but god damn. Sunday Tuesday and Friday I pick up carry out and then go to her place from like 11-3 (it's fairly random hut usually fits w8thin that time). so it's not like i can work more at job 1 seeing as they close at 6 and thay extra 2 and a half hours is not worth driving there and back. so I got another job but I've barely been scheduled and when I have it's been times I alreayd said I can not do. so I gotta pick up others shifts but my brain says "or you cna ignore the message and watch youtube" so that's usually what I do.

I wish I had a more simple schedule. even if I went to my aunts like 7-11 or at night it would work better but she's nto awake rhay early and she goes to lay down at around 6 so the time we have rn is the best time. but it fucks everything.

hell I would be more happy if I even just had a room to myself. that's all I want. please. even my friend who doesn't have a mattress to sleep on has a room and privacy and now 3 kittens constantly interacting with them and fuck. I qant soemthing for myself. I'm legit signing up for Doordash just so I can make a few extra bucks when I got ahit else to do.

I just want and need and fuck man im not gonan ever say it to anyone because I'm constantly like this and it's irrational and selfish so I'll keep it to myself to not harm anything. I'm a possessive and needy can't but no one will know because I push it down because it won't do any good to let it out.

(also really doesn't help rhat I am spending a few hundred on Christmas present for my friends but shhhh that's how I show love I guess so it's okay)

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

"stop talking about yourself" "stop making everything about you" ok but also consider the fact that if I don't nobody will ever ask me anything ever and I will b forced to become a fucking hollow shell of a person that only lives to serve other people and has no personality of their own

[subprimemortgage]

omg GOD IS REAL ok im not wven kidding this is so freaky so i just ranted a bunhc about my bud in thr military whatever the other day on this site and how bad he is at textinf and how all i wanted was to actually talk to him again bc thats the only way we really can talk ANYWAYS after waking up yesterday at uhhhhhhhhh idk 7pm i had the goddamn audacity to pick today to stay up all day ad reset my sleep so 1. that happened and anyways today in the morning and afternoon i got a freakin shit ton of robocalls and weird calls from oakland where this guy kept trying to talk to me in soanish only and just a weeks worth of bs calls that i 2. actually picked up for once and anyways just less than ten minutes ago, i’m feeling tired, i’m about ready to just call it a night and finally sleep, maybe one more episode, and my phone starts going off again in my lap (its feel good inc but like in vibrations so it goes buzz, buz buz buz-buh-buzzzz buzz) and i was like oh my gucking god another fucjing call?!?!? and i turned my ohine over and it was none other than motherfucking nathan calling me and apparently he just got his phone back bc basic is over idk what any of this means and he was like yeah i have to go to sleep at the hour so i can only talk to five mins but i’ll call you again later if you want and im like SO HOW IS EVERYTHING ARE YOU GETTING YELLED AT A LOT ARE THEY MEAN TO YOU???? and hes like no not really its been ok as basic can be so i joke and say well i guess it doesnt sound worse than when im killing… space aliens.. in destiny… and idk if he said “raiding with you is the worst” or “raids are when you do it worst” bc he was on soeakerphone and literally sounded like he was under water like is florida underwater right now? and then…………. my mom came swooping over MOLLIE YOU NEED TO DO THE DANGED KITTY LITTER adn im momm ok i got it sory my moms on me case and hes like oh my roommate just came back and i heard your mom so you better go do that me: yes i shoukd do that(i have had to do it for 5 hrs) and blah blah ttyl gn but DO YOU SEE HOW MUCH MORE EXPOSITION THERE WAS…. i did i heard it dank tha lord for cell phones and not typing words