#i just catch myself adapting to The Bullshit sometimes and i have to step back and look at the whole scale of it for a moment

[wander-wren]

god hates me i fear bc why else do i have emetophobia but also adhd that makes me seek dopamine via food and Also a chewing stim and no chewies which means Snacks but also executive dysfunction that means sometimes i cant drag myself to brush my teeth and even when i do, whoops, full circle, sometimes i don’t anyway bc it triggers the emetophobia

[thistangledbrain]

Day 19 & 20!

Day 19 - “I hate it when...”

As you’ve gleaned from prior posts, I hate it when you forget autism is a developmental disorder and not an intellectual one. We are so. Fucking. Tired. Of being treated as lesser, or like we don’t understand what you’re saying to us.

Outside of the reactions to others’ behavior, though, I have some personal “I hate it when”...I’ve let you into my mind and told you what I appreciate about how my brain works, but there are things I don’t like, for sure.

I hate that personal stressor things trigger a toddler-like need to SHUT DOWN. Like writing this blog, for example...the vulnerability I feel usually leads to a need to go to sleep for a long time, once I’m finished. Or after a long day socializing. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to engage my brain anymore, I just need to shut all systems down and sleep. Especially if there’s been a meltdown (meltdown—->shutdown)...and oh boy do I hate meltdowns. They’re really rare, thank dog.

I hate that my executive function is an absolute bag of ass. This is probably the biggest thing I would change. It got infinitely worse when my disability got bad (EDS), for some reason. And it drives me up the damn wall.

I hate my low function days/moments. It’s like my brain just won’t kick into gear, or the gears and wheels are rusty and grinding, & it’s rather anxiety inducing. I usually “hide” on my low days, sometimes in my darkened bedroom, and watch favorite shows or movies, or get lost in a good book - if I can. On low days I find myself re-reading crap constantly because it’s not making any sense, so I’ll even avoid complicated recipes...I have no idea why these days/moments happen, but boy do they piss me off/make me anxious (that’s kind of the same thing for me. My anxiety nearly always manifests as anger). On my low days, you’ll see (if you were a fly on the wall, because I suppress this even around my own family), me walking in tight, anxious figure 8’s and flapping my hands in a distressed way, as I anxiously try to mentally kick my brain into gear. (It doesn’t work, but it IS a little soothing. And my dogs are SO sweet...they gather around me tightly and just seem to know I need them.)

🤷🏻‍♀️ There’s probably more I could expound on that I don’t like, but writing this one has been pretty distasteful. I try not to dwell on things I hate anymore, so I’ve put this entry down multiple times and come back to it when I’m in a decent frame of mind. I think I’m tired of talking about it now, so I’m gonna just stop talking.....

Which is a good segue into Day 20 -

————————————-

“Communication”

Ahh communication. This entry will be long, because I have a lot to communicate LOL....

Personally, I write far more coherently and eloquently than I speak. My brain goes too fast...I often trip over words; my brain’s three steps ahead of what’s coming out of my mouth and I get scrambled sometimes. I can also take the time to think about what I want to say/HOW I want to say it. Like many autistics, I’m a blurter. LOL...I am constantly trying to remind myself, just because I think it, doesn’t mean I have to say it. This gets a LOT of us in trouble...one of my most memorable examples is, I *loudly* blurted “that’s BULLSHIT!!” in a church one time. (I was speaking on how my devout Methodist grandmother, who regularly takes communion at her church, was not permitted to receive communion in a Catholic church, merely because she isn’t Catholic, despite the fact that this woman is all about some Jesus & a devoted churchgoer - not just on Easter and Christmas.) In my defense, it WAS (IS) bullshit. I just didn’t need to practically yell that in church. As you can imagine, it was like a needle scratching across a record & everyone turned to stare. (My poor husband rescued me.) 🤦🏻‍♀️ Sigh. It’s a good idea to keep me out of most church services.

I am rather famous (infamous?) for calling bullshit straight to someone’s face, BLUNTLY. It’s out of my mouth before my brain’s “tact gatekeeper” I’ve spent over a decade trying to train is even half awake at his post (it’s a him because my husband is the one who taught me how to use tact in the first place. And it’s a him because said “gatekeeper” is lazy and falls asleep on the job all the time 😆). Have you ever just blurted your honest thoughts and heard shocked gasps or someone just busts out laughing? Yeah. That happens to me regularly. Or uncomfortable chuckles and someone will blink a few times and say, “oohhhkay, well, you could said that a different way.” (My old response to that was, I’m not responsible for what your reaction is to what I say...you’re in charge of your own feelings. I *understand* now how irresponsible and unfeeling that is, and I try to keep that in the front of my mind, even when I’m frustrated and nearly burning up with the desire to speak my thoughts in their raw form, but this is routinely an area I struggle to adapt to...and I am very sorry when I hurt someone I care about.)

On the other side of this same coin though, this is a trait my friends respect deeply, because I’m not cruel hearted or anything. You always know where you stand with me, and I’m the last person to try and lie to you. I SUUUUUCK at lying. And on the rare times when I do, I usually end up eventually telling on myself (this drove my older stepsister NUTS when we were kids, because she liked to do lots of sneaky things, and I don’t have an inherently sneaky nature LOL...so “DO NOT tell momma” was a *serious* risk for her, if she let me tag along 😂). Lying to someone just feels disgusting. Oily. Shameful. I hate lying. Plus, my short term memory is a grabasstic bag of CRAP, so there’s a good chance I won’t remember the lie and get caught anyway. 🤷🏻‍♀️ My boys also suck at lying or hiding stuff, and generally prefer not to...but I also give them a safe forum to be honest. (I’m sure there’s LOTS of crap I don’t know, but you’d be surprised how much they DO tell me.)

Another thing with me personally is that I go mute sometimes. I’m not being deliberately obstinate. I’m not REFUSING to speak in those moments...sometimes I literally can’t, and the effort of doing so will make me gag, or even projectile vomit. Sounds very dramatic, doesn’t it? It is. (And it annoys the SHIT out of me.) There’s not a fucking thing i can do about it. The movement of my tongue in my mouth will literally begin to trigger my gag reflex, and if I try to power through it, I’m rewarded with my lunch returning to the surface anyway, regardless of my desires, and sometimes rather unexpectedly & violently. USUALLY this happens when I’m uber stressed, but sometimes it seems kind of out of the blue & catches even me off guard. If this happens but I still have something to say, I start texting instead, and explain. Most people - especially my hubby - are very kind when this happens. (I don’t want your pity, I just want you to switch to written communication for a minute until I can figuratively kick the fuck out of the engine in my “speaking center” and get it to work again.) Other times, I will literally get tired of talking. Like my mouth and tongue - and somehow, the “word forming” part of my brain feels physically exhausted (weird, I know, but I also spend the vast majority of my life silent - I am home alone all day, hate talking on the phone, and simply don’t speak much, by choice. So maybe it is actual “mouth fatigue” 😂😂😂 - I’ve stopped eating before because I just got tired of chewing, too, even though I’m still somewhat hungry. 🙄) I am usually *perfectly* happy to keep listening! And I’ll stay engaged in the conversation usually. I am just...done audibly talking. I’ll literally say “my mouth is tired of making the sounds now, but please keep going”...but I think my husband is the only one who doesn’t find this unusual, and rolls with it. It usually happens after a long, animated conversation...instead of winding down, though, it just..stops. If I try to keep going, cue the gagging. I can stay engaged in the conversation if you let me start writing/typing instead of speaking, for my responses. So that’s a “fun” little trait of mine that many neurotypicals find unsettling. Please don’t take it personally. My mouth just doesn’t want to make the words anymore - and I’m probably mostly done adding what I needed to add to the conversation anyway. I’m a great listener when this happens, though. 😆

Communication is a really interesting thing with all of us, because it’s a struggle on one level or another. I will tell you, it’s a frequent topic in my groups. “WHY CAN’T NEUROTYPICALS JUST SAY WHAT THE FUCK THEY MEAN?!?! 😩😩😩” I’m dead serious - you might think, because we’re sensitive (generally), we can’t “handle” it? You’d be so very wrong. What we can’t handle is when you dance around a subject or we have to try and translate what you just said to us (which most of us are not that good at). Just fucking say it! Nine times out of ten, you’ll just get a look of dawning realization and a “oh, shit, okay” response. We can handle it. Just. Say. It. We’ll respect you a lot more in the morning, LOL 😆

I think every autistic has some sort of beef with neurotypicals when it comes to communication (as I’m sure you have yours with us, obviously).

You guys operate under some weird ass rules that we simply don’t understand - especially if you don’t tell us those rules & just expect us to know. Like, if my husband hadn’t patiently taken years to show/teach me how the way I said certain things were hurtful, I would still be in the “yeah she’s cool but she’s kind of an asshole” territory. (I still struggle to grasp this, or at least it still frustrates me....truth is truth, whether it’s an ironclad general fact or your own personal truth - and yes sometimes the truth hurts, but like...I don’t pin any responsibly for that on the truth teller, if that makes sense?)

Working in rescue also helped hone my ability to speak “neurotypically” to others - I work with a LOT of women, and boy do a lot of them NOT appreciate when you bluntly tell them what you think. Men on the other hand....

I know *lots* of autistic women who prefer friendships with men, largely centering around this communication thing. We hurt men’s feelings a little less regularly than other women’s. I know I was like that, until I got a little more used to how I have to modify my communication with most women (but that annoys me, I’m gonna be honest - it annoys my Autie friends, too). The only time I am as starkly blunt as I used to be, is when speaking to my female Autie friends (because they can handle it), or most of the dudes I’m friends with. But if my message is getting “lost in the sauce” and you’re not getting my point, I usually give a frustrated sigh, WARN you that I’m about to tell you flatly what I need to say, because we aren’t getting anywhere, and just say it.

Yes I am the friend who, when you gush on and on about your new back yard bred puppy, talking all about how you’re gonna breed him when he grows up, is gonna flatly say “he’s not breeding quality”, if they’re not. Then I’m gonna ask you why you want to do such a thing, given that you’re aware of the massive load of rescue dogs (PARTICULARLY Great Danes and Cane Corsos) - and probably beat your argument down every step of the way. That doesn’t always go badly though - one of my closest friends was considering breeding their dog, and while it was a beautiful dog, it was not one that should reproduce (from an “improve the breed” perspective). We barely knew each other, but I gained a reputation for being kind but starkly honest...and I knew what I was talking about...and now I have this person’s deep respect, and they have mine (because they listened and did the research I asked them to - and did not add to the breed population). So it’s not *always* a trainwreck, because the people who end up respecting how I communicate, usually end up VERY close friends. AND I WANT THAT IN RETURN, which is refreshing for a LOT of people. I want your dead honesty in return - PLEASE. It’s so much easier for me to process and accept. For example, my house is almost constantly in some sort of disarray. I have one friend who will come in and go, “girl. I almost can’t breathe in here - this clutter is too much”(and then she offers to help me tackle it!!).

Or, fairly recently, “oh my god those curtains are so horrible, I hope you’re getting rid of those when you redo this room.”

“But I MADE those curtains! I love that print!”

“Ugh. No. They’re terrible. Get rid of them.”

My feelings were not hurt in the LEAST (I of course had a flash of “you bitch, I was so excited to find that print and I MADE THOSE, ya jerk” 😂). At first I said, “well you’re just gonna have to suck it up and deal with my shitty curtains, because I like them” 😂, but then as I was redoing the room, I took them down...and it DID look a lot better, so I left them down 😂😂😂....

So I guess my point with all this is: every autie I know deeply wishes you’d just fucking spit it out. We WILL often miss or misinterpret the point if you “fluff” it too much (around my neck of the woods, we call it putting too much gild on the lily, though I’ve never understood that one. Idk if a “gilded lily” is/was ever a thing, why anyone would gild a lily in the first place...LOTS of us struggle with colloquialisms that don’t make literal sense. 😆 Recently a friend was baffled over “shit in one hand and wish in the other and see which fills up faster”, and fully half of the respondents to her post were people baffled by why anyone would shit in their hand - I and a couple others had to explain, and it just ended with them going “well that’s a fucking stupid saying anyway, and wishes aren’t things you can put in your hands, either” 😂😂😂...but I’m from the south, and these things are just part of our vocab. MOST of them are easy to grasp for me, like “nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs”, because I immediately picture it and can grasp the meaning. But others I don’t get - the gilded lily is one LOL)...

We are LITERAL AS FUCK. It’s why we ruin lots of jokes, too. My poor husband is the dad joke king - and I ruin fully 1/3 or more of his jokes by being too literal (which he also finds amusing, so that’s good). Sometimes we realize we’re ruining the joke but we don’t care, because it’s dumb, or we just .... can’t....HELP IT. 😩😂

Jeez, I could almost write all day about autistics and communication LOL!!

But to summarize (and not succinctly, sorry), I guess, for me and many many others...we are often blunt, direct, almost painfully honest, and very, very literal. Your unspoken rules of communication absolutely go over our heads, unless you - yannow - *communicate* and explain them. We’ll probably tell you those rules are stupid and exhausting, but we will TRY and stick to it as best we can. But see, we literally have to think about every single word that comes out of our mouths, because we communicate far more directly than you weird fuckers do. And it is literally actually exhausting. It’s not an easily natural thing for us to adapt to, your weird way of saying things but not saying what you really mean. You’re wasting a LOT of words there, sir, and we are now getting obsessively confused over why you would do such a thing. 😂 It’s also why I keep getting banned from Facebook. My recent one was because I said - in one of my Autie “safe” groups, where I should be able to just say what I mean - that I tend to punch or want to punch people who deliberately startle the shit out of me. We were talking about how stupid April Fool’s Day was, and how we hate pranks. Three of us got banned for 30 days for just...well. Facebook called it “incitement of violence”. 🙄🥺🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼

But I haven’t met - yet, maybe? - an autistic person who is cruel natured - not one of us gets any joy from being a bully type. WE feel everything on a higher level, so we kind of assume you do, too...you might think, “then why are you such an asshole?!”, but it’s simply that we - or every Autie I know, anyway - struggle to grasp how directly communicating your feelings is so fuckin hard or hurtful for y’all. I think anyone struggles to grasp something they themselves don’t experience. All you have to do is explain, though, and keep guiding us towards communicating in ways that we both find acceptable. I mean we’re champs at accepting all manner of different human - regardless of race, sexuality, and so on - but the communication is one area that frustrates the ever loving SHIT out of most of us, because it makes so little logical sense why anyone would say a bunch of useless words that muddy up their intent.

My closing advice? Help Your Pet Autie ™️ (this is absolutely a tongue in cheek term btw) understand how you’d like to be communicated with, and guide us. BE SPECIFIC for fucks sake - we suck at guessing what you might want, and it’s so frustrating that we’ll often just stop communicating at all. Instead of saying “it hurts me when you say this”, try saying “the WAY you said this hurt my feelings because of ____. Maybe you could put it like this instead” (or, “you know, you should really just keep shit like that to yourself”) and *give examples*. Don’t expect us to come up with different ways of saying shit, because we don’t understand what it is specifically you want, and it’s not very logical, therefore it’s not “natural” for us. Plus, everyone is different. I can’t talk to one of my sons the same way I can talk to the other, without certain negative reactions. Give us a chance to know your needs - we DO CARE!!! - but be CLEAR. I know in your world, tact is a big deal, but MOST of us will miss the fucking point if you’re too tactful (and when we misinterpret, we always err on the side of worst case scenario, and make the issue wayyyyy bigger than it should be. Being clear is soooo important).

And hey. Maybe it’ll help clear up some communication in other areas of your life. Being clear isn’t a license to be a fucking asshole; nobody’s giving you a license to unleash on everyone about how much you can’t stand humans...if WE hafta be quiet about that, so do you lmao...fair’s fair. 😆 But quit hedging and hinting and hoping we will pick up on the whatever your grievance is - because we won’t. We’ll just know you’re unhappy, and start panicking over guessing what we did wrong, and just shut down, because we have no idea.

Just. Fucking. Say it. 😘

[transgamerthoughts]

Guerrilla Radio

I look at Rodney Mullen and I see a kindred spirit. To hear Mullen speak is to go for a ride, the cadence of his voice rising and falling in unpredictable ways. Sometimes, he speaks at a hushed whisper. A low and pained utterance indicating a reverence and yearning that polite society eschews—if there’s one thing folks feel weird about it’s excess displays of passion. When he’s not quiet, Mullen is truly loud. His laugh is a barking chortle. Painful whisperings, awkward celebration. Mullen is a man of infectious extremes.

I play as Mullen whenever I boot up Tony Hawk Pro Skater 1+2, the recently released remaster of earlier games. There’s an option to create a customized, idealized version of myself and I could always play as the Birdman. I think they expect you to play as Tony for a long time; his toolkit is strong and stats are spread nicely. Those things matter less and less as you play. It’s easy to upgrade any character’s stats and customize their special tricks but Tony Hawk Pro Skater 1+2 hardly explains itself outside of an optional tutorial. It is a game superbly confident in the fact that the player will play every portion of it including the menus. That’s a wise impulse; Tony Hawk Pro Skater 1+2 is terrifyingly intuitive and always has been. How else could many of us fully complete it in our childhoods? Still, even though I could play as myself, I play as Mullen because I’ve never felt so magnetically pulled to an individual in my life. To hear Rodney Mullen talk about skateboarding is to hear myself attempt to talk about games criticism. There is a core of a person that we might call “Rodney Mullen” and a layer of societal artifice built around it. There is a soul and a sort of clay surrounding it. It’s easy to understand that his soul is fragile. It requires a clear and powerful nourishment. For Mullen, that’s skating. Every quiver in his voice when he talks about a trick, every pause before he mentions his domineering father expresses the singular freedom he finds on a skateboard. I immediately recognize it as the freedom I feel on a page. I see footage of an impossible flip and synthetically equate it to a good metaphor. I see freestyle groundtricks flow into each other like tributaries into a large river, and I imagine a comma-laden ramble of a sentence. I feel something ineffable. When I watch footage of Mullen or other contemporaries like Daewon Song, something falls over me like a spectral blanket. What they find through ollies, grinds, and reverts, I chase every time I write.

Before I played Tony Hawk Pro Skater 1+2, I was already watching documentaries on my favorite skaters and looking at old tapes. I’m back with my family for a time in quarantine, and my father found my old skateboard. It’s an old Geoff Rowley Flip board. I was always a clumsy person; skating was liberating but I could never have found the expression that someone like Mullen or Rowley have. But I did find it in games, and in writing. That sounds indulgent and quixotic but it’s true. I can’t explain how completely necessary writing is to me. Perhaps it would be easier to say that I’ve reached a point professionally where I never really need to write criticism again if I don’t want to. I survived the daily news grind, produced some things I liked, put up with some bullshit that I didn’t, and emerged on the other side in a new field. War’s over. Except it’s never over. I need to write.

Playing Tony Hawk, I see the process. Every level is a crash course in finding intense purpose in our surroundings. While the action of Tony Hawk occurs at a scale detached from reality, one where tricks flow into intense sequences and it’s commonplace to leap large rooftop gaps, the process of achieving a high score points towards a truth that any skateboarder can attest to: the world is different when you perceive it from atop a skateboard. Your streets become so much more than pavement. You observe what is before you with a keen eye and find a meaning and intentionality that isn’t immediately obvious.

Until Mullen debuted the flatground ollie in 1982—itself inspired by Alan Gefland’s technique for freehand aerial vert tricks—the street was less explored than parks and vertical ramps. Flat ground competitions were “freestyle” competitions full of pogo tricks and manuals. The ability to leap into the air meant there were new tricks that could be developed. Mullen pioneered further tricks like the kickflip and the impossible entirely because of the new freedom the ollie offered. But the ollie wasn’t just a foundation for new tricks; it opened up the streets to exploration. Skating could move out of the parks. This proved an essential step to keeping the sport alive.

This widening freedom constitutes the core of Tony Hawk’s gameplay. Although there are plenty of vert tricks and Hawk himself is classified in game as a vert skater, the majority of each level’s gameplay is devoted to exploration. Finding hidden video tapes, jumping over parked cars, wall-riding to destroy schoolyard bells. These objectives are about navigating real spaces albeit ones that are somewhat exaggerated. It is contingent on the player to observe the world through the eyes of a skater. Tony Hawk doesn’t capture the realistic mechanics of skating but it does capture the creative sentiment. In order to complete objectives and also achieve high scores, they need to think like a skater.

To hear Mullen talk about developing tricks and the ways in which skating expanded in the 80s, you’d think little revolutionary was happening. For Mullen, tricks were about expression. These various flips and techniques weren’t about pushing the boundaries of skating. They were, first and foremost, the ways in which a shy kid from a strict Gainesville home expressed himself to the world. They were about asserting his value as an individual and expressing the ineffable parts of himself that he could not express any other way. That individual desire fed into a larger ecosystem where his tricks could be adapted and integrated into an ever-evolving language. The personal became conversational. The conversational became foundational. 

I think about these processes and apply them to my own field, although I wonder if I can even call criticism my home anymore. I didn’t write about games because I thought there could be a career in it. I didn’t write about games because I saw starting my blog as a pathway to outlets or studios. I wrote and still write because it is the only way I have as a still-lonely kid from New Hampshire to express something fundamental about myself. I write because it is the only way I’ve ever felt like I’ve been heard. Let me be clear: this is the comparison I’ll make between myself and Mullen. I’m not implying that I’ve done anything so important as he has. When I see Mullen, I see someone who can’t stop. Because stopping means moving back into a silent space. 

That space is painful. I do not make friends easily and struggle to keep them. I am awkward and have, in my life, only found a handful of people who I believe have ever seen the person I truly am. Writing, then, is a way to shed layers and layers of confusion and performance in favor of something authentic.

When I navigate a Tony Hawk level or watch a tape of my favorite skaters, I see the writing process spread before me. To engage in criticism is to find yourself in a new space every time you play a game. There are a variety of potential objectives and angles that you can seek out and achieve. In order to do those in a sensible fashion, you need to explore and familiarize yourself with the space and then perceive the spaces where you can move, combo-like, from one point to another. In-between, you add flourishes and tricks that express something not only about the space you are in but the person you are. Done well, you show that the metaphorical school-yard is far more than a school-yard. It is a playground, it is a battlefield, it is an unexplored land fit for mapping. A writer, like a skater, perceives certain spaces differently. A Metal Gear military installation becomes a metaphor for self-delusion. The world of Dark Souls, whether in the meanderings of the first entry or the broken spaces of the second, expresses something fundamental about the nature of memory. The violence of The Last of Us Part II (and who chiefly suffers in that world) speaks to the biases of the writers.

There’s a catch though. A difference between what Mullen is talking about and the current reality of games criticism. Where Mullen speaks of his individual expression flowing into a communal effort where skaters are engaged in a wider conversation, games criticism has rarely felt so cohesive. It is a balkanized space where writers are often separated from each other. Mainstream writers hardly read the important fringe spaces, academics ignore anyone without their pedigree. There is a lack of institutional or history knowledge because there’s no real tradition of mentorship or places where that history is documented satisfactorily. In journalistic spaces, writers burn out in the face of institutional failures that have led to shoddy reportage and a lack of protection against a reactionary games culture. There is also no pathway for fresh faces to slot into the leadership spaces that could actually address structural issues. Critically, while there’s hundreds of YouTubers and other content creators bringing criticism to the masses, there’s few times where critical terms or concepts carry over into the broader culture. We do not have the same degree of literacy amongst players as, say, films do among film-goers. This is not to say these things are completely absent. I’ve seen moments where the isolated spaces of games writing interact. When academic writers like Frank Lantz and Ian Bogost wrote about narrative in 2015, a cadre of alt-space writers directly engaged with their work in a debate that helped to solidify understandings of ludology and narratology even further that what had been expressed by writers like Gonzolo Frasca. Writers like Stephen Beirne and Durante Pierpaoli coined the terms ludo-fundamentalism and ludo-centrism to better codify schools of thought that dismissed holistic criticism in favor of games systems analysis. Yet, this is not something widely remembered either by academics or players. And while it’s tempting to self-critique and say that I’m overplaying the importance of that moment because of my proximity to it, I think it’s illustrative of the critical sphere’s major failures. 

Conversations come and go in flashes, very little is integrated into the whole, and we largely forget everything that’s come before in favor of repetitious debates and torturous re-litigations. Beyond this, there’s very little discussion between writers. There’s less letter series and response pieces and very little sense that any real conversations are taking place. Writing might be the realm of individual expression that that expression hardly feeds into a larger pool where concepts can be iterated on. This is, more than anything else, the biggest failure of games writing.  I have found deep personal expression in my writing and yes, there is a community. But what about our processes are communal? Perhaps nothing at all.

In addition to Tony Hawk, my current gameplay indulgence is Pathologic. The two could not be more different. One is accommodating and celebratory. It gives the player ample ability to navigate a level and express themselves. The other is oppressive and continually stymies all attempts at progress. Yet, as I play Pathologic I pause. My character, the surgeon Artemy Burakh is approached by the Kin, the tribesmen and women who occupy the steppe outside his home-town. Artemy is a “menkhu,” a group of surgeons and steppe-folk who perform vivisections. They are architects of the flesh. It is said that they are “Those Who Know The Lines.” 

I load up Tony Hawk and play a competition map at a skate-park in Chicago. In order to succeed and get the gold medal, I also search for the lines. I’ve always been searching. With every game, with every word I search for the lines. Mullen needs to skate.  Artemy needs to heal the sick. I need to write. 

[karicharbonneau]

Private Journal of Kari Charbonneau

Page 65

Well, this is it.  The hell have I gotten myself into now.   I won’t be writing in this again, not for a while. I’m shipping my journal back to Stormwind.   I can’t leave something as personal and revealing here.   I certainly can’t take it with me.  

I guess I should explain.   For whatever reason, I’ve talked myself into going undercover to try to figure out what some pirate crime boss low life wants with Wolfram.   I’m not even sure why I am doing it.   I have reasons, but part of me is starting to have second thoughts.   It’s dangerous.   Very dangerous.  One misstep and I could end up dead, or worse.  

I wouldn’t even be considering this if I didn’t feel like Sal was in danger.  If I didn’t feel like Mac was in danger.   Weirdly enough, there are even a couple others I might not want to die horribly.  Guess that’s how they get ya?  You fall in love with one, make connections to others.   Use that feeling to keep you.

Though it isn’t just that. I feel backed into a corner.  I refused to take Sal’s gold.   When I got my loans for my shop, I hadn’t figured in the fact that Wolfram was going to demand fifteen percent of my profits from a business they didn’t put a dime in.   Protection money they call it.   I don’t make enough in potions I make for Wolfram and between bills, loans, salary… the shop’s been open a little over a month, and I’m already looking at the possibility of closing my doors.  Losing not only my business but my home and my lab.  I’ve got to make up the difference somehow.

I told Gideon that if I did this, they were going to pay me dearly for it and he tried to tell me that I’m doing it for the pack.  No.   I’m doing it for the gold.   I’m not risking my life just for kicks.   I’m leaving behind everything I love, everything I care about.  Leaving my shop in the hands of my store manager.  Sal is the only person outside Gideon who even knows what I am doing.  I don’t know what Mac will do when I stop answer coms.   If I don’t die and they don’t pay me when I get back… I’m setting all their houses on fire. I swear…

I’m worried about stepping into Freehold.  It’s rough, I know it is.   I’ve got to play the part.   I have everything memorized and ready.  I’ve planned everything to the tiny detail.  Yet I know, it won’t go how I play.   I have to adapt.  I hate to say it, but I almost wish Strather was around.   He would have some nugget or fact that would help.  Sure, he was a first class piece of shit, but he knew the art of deception better than anyone I know.   He would tell me to show what I needed them to see.  Tell me how to stand.  How to hold my body.  How to speak with my eyes, or catch the eye of someone else by a whiff of perfume.   As weird as it sounds, considering where we came from, his voice will be the one in my head telling me how to do so something.   It’s strange how often I hear him.   Mostly, it makes me angry but sometimes, when it really matters, he speaks wise words.

I’m leaving on an early flight tomorrow in the morning.   Sal is telling everyone I went back to Stormwind.   I’m getting a place at Kennings Lodge.   I will ride down to Freeport from there.   They aren’t keen on outsiders, but it is a port.  Anyone can come and go, just have to be much much more careful.   I have the area scouted on a map.  I’m prepared to go straight to the bar I’ve been directed to.   I have clothing that will help me blend it.  I watched the crowd here in Boralus.  An old Drunk sitting on one of the boardwalks pointed out Southerners.   Noted what they were wearing.  He told me that it’s much warmer down there.  I figure my dark skin, dark hair and eyes will help me blend in better.  Can probably pass for someone from Booty Bay.  I know I won’t blend in, but it’s part of my plan.  I hope that I’m spotted by Theon, that I look out of sorts.   I want him to question me.  That’s when the real work starts.   If he accepts my story, everything else will be easy.  Or at least, less bullshit.  

Page 66

Anyway, so that’s the plan. Linny, if you are the one reading this. I’m probably dead, Sal as well.  I can’t leave you the shop due to the loans, but there is a hidden cache of gold in the basement.  Under the staircase, there is a rug.  Under that is a trap door to a crawl space.   There is gold hidden down there.  Take it and try to make the best of your life.  If you can find Mac, tell her I died in the field, and I love her.  She will always be my heartsworn sister.

Sal.  If this comes to you.   I’m sorry.  There are no words I can give you that will offer any comfort, and I know that.   I love you and if I am dead, know that I died happy because you will be my last thought.  Take the time you need but please don’t give up on the dreams we had. You can have a life full of love and fulfillment because you are a good man.   Any woman should feel proud to put you first in their life and look at you like you are everything.  

It’s strange, Sally.  I’m writing this, and while I know I will be okay, there is still that little what if that nags in the back of mind.   If something did happen to me, or to you.  You know I’m a practical person, and I don’t believe in a lot of things, but this last year I’ve seen a lot of things I didn’t believe in… suddenly mean everything.  You, marriage, children.  Things I never thought I could have that are suddenly so real with you in my life, and something keeps replaying in my mind.   Something that Sundiata said to me.  I can not remember the exact words, but he spoke a lot to me about the many lives we live.  That we bound to individual souls and we repeat things.  

My grandmother, when my grandfather died, she didn’t cry.   I asked why she didn’t, and she said that she knew she wasn’t far from seeing him again.  That she was excited to start the dance all over.   So if the worst should happen, Sally, remember we will dance again.   There was a reason we couldn’t stay away from each other.  Why it so effortlessly felt right.  I’ve never been so sure of something in my whole life.   We are fated to dance again.  

That or I’ve had too much whiskey, and I’m terrified.

I love you, Sally.

If for some reason my parents end up with this journal, read everything in there.   You tried hard to ruin my spirit, but your wind only fanned my flames.   Thank you for showing me the life I didn’t want to live.  Get a divorce and stop blaming your children for your mistakes.   Grow up.

((And always, as a private journal, the information is not open to the public ICly.  So please do not use information as if it is common knowledge. The information in this journal is from Kari’s viewpoint, and not all accounts are factual or accurate. They are merely Kari’s personal thoughts.))

[fuckdavestriderheistheworst-blog]

you too buddy all the SO questions

ugh why damn it i did not ask to be punished by means of talkin about vantas until my fingertips bleed

but fine

Significant Other Asks

1. Tell the story about how you met.

it was over the summer about three years ago and tumblr kept pushing a certain blog at me and upon checking it out i decided to give him some troll asks (which looking back upon now were lame as fuck? what was i thinking honestly)

anyway that became me revealing my blog over tumblr and then lo and behold we had a college class together and we realized we were sitting beside each other and i told him that his major was an “easy major” or something and basically he hated me for a while there 

2. Was it a gradual increase of trust and love, or was there a specific moment where you knew “I want to be with this person for a long time”?

it was gradual for sure i went from picking on him to agreein to let him tutor me in english to craving his friendship and then falling in love with him without even realizing

before i knew it i was head over heels and here i am, happy as fuck that im dating my best friend

3. Describe their eyes. Describe their hands. Describe their laugh.

his eyes go from being like cinnamon to being like hot chocolate, in color accordin to lighting and in mood, his hands are warm and comforting to hold and are quick as all hell on a keyboard, and his laugh is rare but memorable, like its dusty from misuse and drizzled over with the annoyance i usually provide him

4. What’s your zodiac sign and mbti type? What about your partner’s? Do things like that reflect your actual compatibility or is it just bunch of bunk?

i had to google what my zodiac was because i think both of those things are bullshit but im a saggitarius and an isfp (or was it istp i dont remember its been years)

vantas is a gemini and...

i dont think he ever tested for it because he isnt internet quiz garbage but hey what does it matter without knowing his results i know that we are a fine match

5. Are you long distance? Have you met in person before? When do you get to see them again?

no, yes, and probably this evening when i bring back dinner

6. Tell me a story about a happy experience you two shared. Something that makes your heart warm whenever you think about it.

something that makes me feel really happy to remember is the new years eve after he got those color correcting glasses and i took him to watch the fireworks and he was so happy and amazed at the color and the show and i was so proud that i could do that for him

7. Tell me a funny story. Did they do something silly? Did you do something silly? Talk about your inside jokes.

one time i groaned into his ear and called him daddy to test and see if he had a daddy kink or not and he was SO into it so now im waiting to call him daddy again when he least expects it

8. Are your families supportive? Does it matter if they’re not?

yeah as far as i know both sides are

9. Would you ever have a pet together? Do you already have one?

we sort of have pets together but theyre also just kinda our own pets but with shared care 

10. Do you have children together? If not, are you both interested in raising children some day?

i dont really want kids and i dont think vantas does either like ever we arent even married and also having kids would be a hassle

11. If they’re having a bad day, what do you do to help?

i usually just sit and talk to him and support him like a friend and boyfriend should do its not really anything special but it works every time

sometimes i surprise him with relatively cheap gifts or food too but he doesnt like me splurgin so i try not to make him uncomfortable

12. If you’re having a bad day, what do they do to help?

same thing really hes always there for me to make me feel better and talk things through 

13. What’s something that your partner does that would be annoying if anyone else did it, but it’s cute when they do it?

scolding me like he is a third parent, somehow its endearing when he does it

14. Have you ever went on a vacation or adventure together? Tell me about it. If not, do you have plans to do something fun in the future?

yeah weve gone on a few sort of technically 

that one road trip to texas we took and spent a while on

the trip to malibu

were planning (or i am) for a trip to europe this summer if its at all possible with our schedules

15. What’s something that you learned about yourself because of being with your partner?

that im enough just being who i am and that i can have a relationship without cash at the forefront

16. What’s a piece of advice that your partner gave you that has resonated with you?

you dont have to bend over backwards for somebody to please them or make them like you just be yourself

not the exact wording but that is the moral

17. Which one of you kills the bugs (or captures the bugs and places them safely outside)?

we take turns but i dont like to kill them unless theyre wasps or venomous spiders id prefer to catch and release

19. Do you prepare meals together? Does one person enjoy cooking more than the other?

neither of us can cook for shit so other people prepare our meals for us always

20. What are the best restaurants to go to? Do you see movies at the theater? Do you do things like golf or bowling, just to bond more?

i like taco bell and pizza hut, yes, and i dont think weve ever done either

21. Tell me about a time that you got into an argument over something silly.

we used to get aggressive over gay chicken sometimes early on in our friendship that was always fucking ridiculous

22. Tell me about a time that you got into an argument over something serious. How did you compromise? What did you learn?

one time vantas said he was disappointed in me and i took it hard and im pretty sure it ended with him leaving but i dont remember what brought it on or how serious vantas had been or how sensitive i had been

we got over it. not sure i learned any super moral from that but it did help me learn about him better in the long run and vice versa

23. Is there a famous couple, fictional or otherwise, that reminds you (or other people) of you and your partner?

will and jada pickett smith

24. Do you have a shipname?

vantder i dont know 

maybe film boyfriends because he writes and i sort of direct

27. Do you have extremely similar personalities and interests? Or extremely opposite? Or is it a balance that just makes sense? How do you try to better understand each other? Do you ever have to experience things you’re not interested in, or vice versa?

we sort of click here and there but mostly our interests are different 

i know he isnt super into art but he shows up to support me like he went to the award event with me and said he was proud of me and i like to offer up romcoms and movies akin to his interests when we settle in for date nights

he is supportive as hell but i dont think either of us have ever made a point of saying we arent interested in the other’s interests

28. Has your partner ever changed one of your opinions on morals, politics, society, etc?

he helped me to be better about takin school seriously so id say yes 

he has also changed my opinion about myself almost completely

29. Tell me about a time that you were really proud of them.

when he got that book deal i was so happy i felt like huggin on him for days

i knew he could do it and it made me real proud to know that he did it and i am STILL proud of him

30. Does physical affection and/or sexuality have a role in your relationship? Are both of your needs being respected and fulfilled?

yeah both are heavily involved and fuck i hope so im not sure how much more i can step up my game

31. How often do you talk? On the phone, Skype, in person? Are you two the type that stays up too late because the conversation is too good to end?

we talk all the goddamn time and basically never leave each others side

i know i regularly stay up hells of late talking to him because i like it so much

talks get so much deeper at night when youre curled up next to somebody you love

32. Talk about your sense of humor, and your partner’s. Do you laugh a lot together? Which one of you is funnier?

were both assholes with sarcasm as our main crutch and im pretty sure we have both laughed at the others expense at one point or another but i would have to say that we are damn near a tie because both of us have a pretty deplorable sense of humor stand up comedy will not be in our futures any time soon

33. Is there anyone who doesn’t like the idea of your relationship? What’s the reason? How do you and your partner overcome disapproval from others?

no i cant think of anybody who is against our relationship

nobody that matters anyway

34. Have there been any hardships that have ultimately brought you closer than before?

i mean i hit my head and got retrograde amnesia and still had feelings for him so i think that eliminated any doubt i developed feelings just because of sex

i didnt remember it and i still loved him

35. What’s their contact name in your phone?

vantas

36. Tell me about what your partner is good at. Are they an artist, are they good at math, do they play a sport, etc?

vantas has stamina when it comes to running and shit for DAYS i thought id die the first time i went running with him

hes also a really great writer and im not just saying that to be supportive i think if he sat down and wrote a book itd get a film adaptation nigh instantaneously

steven spielberg would shit himself

37. Get really sappy and gross for a moment. Be so gushy that your friends would groan in mock annoyance if you told them. What’s adorable about your partner? What makes your heart melt? What’s something cute that they did that you’ll always remember no matter what?

god i just fucking love his eyes and his lips and his hair and the way that he scoffs over dumb “rich guy” things and how good his coffee is when he makes it and how i can NEVER replicate it that good even when he guides me through makin it. i love the sound of his voice in the mornings and late at night when i should be asleep but am clinging onto him and talkin about nothing in particular. i love how he says my name and i especially love that hes the only one who really calls me by my last name so affectionately. i love the way he reads and i love the way he still looks a little too long at colorful things sometimes when we are outside and walking. i love the way his hand fits with mine and i love that we can reassure each other through anything, that we will be there for each other through anything. i can easily see myself spendin the rest of my life with him and if not as a boyfriend then as a best friend 

38. Let’s talk about life goals and hopes. Do you two have a similar idea for the future (regarding careers, getting a home, family, finding meaning)? Do you two make a good team? Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with them?

weve talked about moving in together or gettin a house but our careers are pretty up in the air right now except for vantas’ teaching job. i think we make a fuckin great team and id love to spend the rest of my life with him in any way shape or form

39. Reflecting on all of your experiences, what advice would you give to a young couple?

pick your best friend to fall in love with because youll never have a better love than that

40. Is your partner on tumblr? Tag them here and write them a small message, it can be anything.

@crimsongenetics hey vantas sorry for gettin all gushy here i hope i dont make you throw up at school i love you

[ricelumps]

2k16 was one of the worst years for me. But the journey from 2014 to now is just so crazy I need to write it down.

I left my parents’ house on January 2014 because I had recently gotten a boyfriend (who is not Korean) and my parents threatened me and my bf constantly until I would break up with him. 

My dad would yell at me for being a shit daughter and ruining our family with my actions. All i did was spend the night at his apartment a couple times. I was 21. He would threaten me with death threats towards me and himself and even my younger siblings. 

“There’s no point in living with a daughter like you” , “I should just kill you because you ruin everything” , “If that boy steps into the house one more time I’ll kill him myself” , “I’m packing up and I’m going to leave you all and I won’t care if you all die.”

That’s just some of the stuff he’s said to me, his first born, his “pride and joy”, the daughter that made him weep the day I was born (happy tears apparently) I realized that every day even before I started dating Charles I constantly thought about jumping out of my second story window or drive off a bridge on my way home from work / school. My parents used constant guilt and degrading comments to keep me low enough to be submissive to their behavior. I wanted to kill myself so many times, but never really tried. Plus I have amazing friends who believe in me when I can’t do it for myself.

My parents Korean and straight up OLD Korean. My family moved here a long ass time ago, but god you would think they would learn to grasp some sense that living in America and raising your kids in a different country they’re going to adapt and GROW into that culture. I kept to being more Korean than American for most of my life and then when I got to college (commuting) I was still under my parents rule, but it was more open ? It was easier to get away with things for sure. 

Most of 2013-2014 was me going through my “gotta do everything” phase. Which just meant that I was just attractive enough to catch people’s eye and hook up. 

I met my current boyfriend on Tinder amazingly and we’ve been together since my birthday that year. He’s been amazing and caring and loving. He’s been through my bullshit parents and helped me by letting me move in with him after I left the cursed house. One of my oldest friends helped save me and moved all my shit into her tiny Volvo and moved it all to the apartment I was gonna call home for a couple months. (She was even there one day when my dad yelled at me and threatened me. In the same room. She went home crying for me, and I’m constantly so sorry for her to see that happen.) 

I avoided all contact with my family (minus my siblings) for about three or four months. Coming from a family centered culture, and me being the first born and just leaving ? Scandalous. I missed seeing my cousin’s new baby, because my mom lied to them saying I was in another state studying. I couldn’t talk to my brothers without the fear of my parents grabbing the phone and yelling at me to come home. My heart was broken and Charles tried to help me feel better, but this was a feeling words couldn’t fix. I was so depressed being away from my family (even though they were horribly toxic) that I thought about killing myself again and again BECAUSE I WAS GUILT RIDDEN FOR LEAVING THEM. During this time I tried to just focus on working and moving into another apartment where it was just me and Charles without any other roommates, bc the ones we were living with were just awful. 

Come March and we moved into the city that was a lot closer to my university. After a horrible car accident (in my friends volvo that her parents had graciously let me borrow. AND GOT WRECKED. I still feel completely awful.) I found another job and was working two jobs to help rent and school. I had to quit the first job because the boss was a dick and also Korean. He kept me underpaid and treated me like a slave. He said “She doesn’t deserve a raise.” and when my amazing manager kept pushing my raise he raised it 25 cents. I’ve been working there for about two years. He was a fucking dick. Alex B, fucking dick Korean ASSHOLE. His mother was in love with me and wanted me to marry his 33 yr old ass, because he couldn’t get a girl his age. 

ANYWAY we had moved in and it was stressful, but I was so much happier than I was living with my parents. Moving out gave me something that made me feel better. I was a commuter so I never had fun party stories or campus stuff to talk about with my friends. I was always jealous of them being able to just do stuff like that, but living in my own apartment is just as good. Especially since I lived in a nice small city ! I loved it and I was loving living with my boyfriend and having a place that I could call my own and have my friends come by without bothering my parents. 

Later on in 2015 I gathered up the courage I collected and called my parents to try and talk to them. My mom made me cry because she told me she was worried and asked me if I was eating well. She told me that she cried every night since she saw my room bare. My dad sounded tired, and willing to just talk. It went well for about a couple months, but then they asked me to help them out at their store again. I stupidly agreed and I’ve been helping them out since. 

2016 was pretty much learning my sister was being irresponsible and selfish towards my parents. I know they’re shitty, but they help pay for her private school tuition and they’re in heavy debt (who isn’t in 2016 lbr) Lately they’ve given me the responsibility to deal with their debt with this “loan helper” business. I tried to do as much as I can to help, but again I’ve fallen to the cycle of them yelling at me but for their own mistakes. 

“YOU WENT TO AMERICAN SCHOOL HOW COME YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND?!!!!”

HIGH SCHOOL DOESN’T TEACH YOU CRAP ABOUT BEING IN DEBT AND FALLING INTO THESE TRAPS.

Recently I fell back into my depressive thoughts. My parents were placing blame on me and themselves and my sister being a spoiled entitled brat is making it harder for the family. 

However my brothers, my boyfriend, and my close circle of best friends keep me afloat and they help me remember how much I have to live for. My heart aches whenever I have dark thoughts because I remember them and I don’t want to think about how they would feel if they found out I killed myself in someway. I feel selfish for thinking about these things because the people closest to me don’t deserve that kind of pain. Sometimes life is hard and just plain unbearable, but I know that someday it’ll be worth it someday.