#i just deleted everthing and now im thinking if i should try again or not

[jinlix]

Should i

[toiivoton]

I grow up locked in a room most of time w my sister, she was and has been the person i have interacted the most my entire life, my life was that room and her so she was my entire world. my mom never acknowledged my existence unless it was to casually insult me or scream to me to insane levels when she was high (she did talked w my sister for some reason) and my father who only visited me to torment me and hit me, i would literally run trying to escape for then be catched and hit again n again and my mother would watch and laugh

My mother loved making jokes abt it and my sis get mad when i didnt stand up for myself against him, but i was so small and my dad was so big i dont know how i could have i just felt so humiliated and pathetic and weak, just a total worthless failure, i think when i see violent parents in movies or media they tend to be violent against all the family but i was the only one he ever hit, i feel there was something specific with me that it was so defectuous i made everyone upset and angry and sad, i wish i had never be born so everyone would have been happier people

At some point my sis went to live to panama w our grandman and i was put back in the same room with now no human interaction since my sis was gone this time, this made me miss her n feel she was my one and only savior back then.

until today im not sure for how long was i in that room bc there wasnt sun light it was so horrible i lost sense of time it could have been a week or 6 months i have no idea. I developed insomnia and also forgot how my voice sounded like and missed the sensation you get on your throat when you make a sound, so i would talk to myself at times, otherwise i felt i would end up forgetting how to talk. i had a tv and 3 cds and i cant stop thinking about them bc im so grateful for it, i could watch them on replay forever and have something to do and have company. i feel after this any possibility of social skills were now completely taken from me or thats what i love believeing bc i love blaming on

everything for my defects

Later when i was 11 my sis came back n started getting bad and really sad but it got so bad she started threatening about killing herself. If i didnt do everything she wanted I once tried writting how i was feeling and that i was feeling bad n she found my post hand she was so digusted, she told me no one does that and that it was cringe n that i should delete it, my best friend also got annoyed at me later for being scared all the time and writting so much nonsense, i have had so little amount of friends on my life and almost if not all have leave me for this.

if i looked sad she would get mad if i didnt do everthing she say it will be so bad much worse for me, shed got so upset and would later have freak outs and talk about killing herself

if i dont do what she says she will kill herself and it will be my fault, i had to clean everything for her do all her cleaning part, wash her clothes cook n bring her food, give her all my belongings agree to everything she says, later on life when i started working i must give her all my payments, when she screams or freaks out at me and by no means im allowed to say anything back if i do it will be the end it will be much worse.. on school i cried literally everyday in front of everyone bc i just wanted to die and i didnt wanted to go back home but at the same time i was losing it bc if i wasnt there w her she would kill herself and it woul be my fault, but then bc of crying sm and being so weird i got always got bullied on school

It was like this for the next 4 years then it became less horrible and now isnt so bad shes better and im glad now but i cant help but wonder if its also bc became better at not replying back and behaving, still she’s genuinely so good to me and we can laugh togheter but im so terrified of her

But i i dont know how to be away if i say i want to live alone she will be so sad and ill be questioned, and even so im so psychically n mentally ill. I often go blind, i was in bed sick for 2 years and my medication is already so expensive, i dont feel i can live by myself i dont know how to live without her im an absolutely lost cause a

nd i feel its too late for me and i cant be fixed n i feel even if everything would be promised to me to be better n never hurt again im not sure if i want to even continue bc i no longer have energy left i just want to die

[dimensituro-blog]

deleting it later

I feel like i wasted my  life and meaning. im  20 and  recently stop going to my college class  cause i was scared to come back. i'm pathetic to leave a class that i paid and never come back when today is the last day. i avoided so many sessions that i decided to not go on the final exam. im regretting my choice of not going to class. if i just went and did my work i wouldnt be in this mess. Staying at home avoiding it feels nice at first but everthing sets in to regrets. Why am i too scared on what bad things can happen if i came back. my mind tells me that i would be slap in the face but in the spotlight be humiliated but thats just my thoughts. I shouldnt have lisiten to those teachers and people around me about not doing a year gap. I knew i wasnt ready and not my path is crumbling within my eyes. Nothing seems possible anymore. Life doesnt have a meaning for me anymore if i just cant put myself to go forawrd. I'm a failure to everyone and i dont need help. I feel like im bottling up so much emotion i just cant hold on. I dont know how life is going to treat me in the futrue all i see if bleak emptyness in the future. I'm so stupid i never finish what i started with. I avoid help yet i dont know what happens if i do. im consider an adult now so i should be doing everything myself and only myself. Why do i feel broken inside like im just mentally ready yet i threw myself inn this situation. I keep deciding to avoid classes after i screw up like forgetting to do something or homework. I would consider myself lazy since ii dont do my homework on time. I'm scared to go back to the college and confronting everything again and come across someone who was in that class like the person of a group project . I knew what was the consequence. its too late for me to improve nothing going to change. it was doom from the start. why do i think i was going to make it. i withdraw 4 classes from these 3 years for the same reason. i was scared to confront my listakes. Everyone was right i wasnt meant to succeed, i knew i was a mistake. What am i going to do with myself. Am i just going to hold my tears and look at the ceiling wonder what if . who am i kidding. i cant socially interact with people . i always mumble. i cant make a perfect small conversation. i cant even ask for help. I see everyone from hs in their third year in college while i messed up and now in sap alert, no financial aid, no reason to make an appeak since i have no evidence for my disgusting choses ive done for being scared . i wanted things to be perfect, my work being given on time, to improve  everything i was in highschool. Who knew i was that pathetic. to even think i was going to make it in life. I'm a useless being in this world. why should i even consider trying again. Funny how i distract myself everyday with music and videos trying to avoid dealing with my thought until now. i want to leave this mess but my other side is so persistent with staying for future episodes and stuff from my favorite shows and artists.  would getting another class help yet the last class was paid by my parents...............i should nt have let them paid. It as a mistake. im not mature enough. i panick too much. I was never academically ready for this . i should have went for tutoring all these years, take all their help to improve but i was the quiet type always mute everyday just staring at people only listening avoiding the teacher to pick me. I was never confident, i always saw other people potential and would be better than me. I was better for them to grow since they have more potential. I dont know what happen with me. One minute im ready to do this and the next is my breaking down, either poking  myself  on my arm and hands  or ripping paper to not cry as its a weakness  but im already weak.  Teachers have given up on me in the past so why would college be any different. Im already punishing myself for what i done to myself with this class. I only had one class to do one class and look what happened. i thouht i was ready but i guess it was a mistake to take english class. I knew i had trouble writing english papers i should have avoid that class to the very end but someclasses i need to take require english101 to be finished with so i thought maybe im ready maybe i can do it. I should have went with  my guts. funny how much writing i just wrote yet i cant seem to focuss on writing an english paper. i suck at writing essays. never gave any essays in my 3rd year in highschool yet that teacher passed me... feel it was a mistake. im pathetic disgrace. Maybe im like this but i shouldnt be like this. Why do i always want to cry when put in the spot. maybe those therapy sessions i had years ago didnt work. maybe i just didnt do it right. im thinking too much on its too cludder   but i have to work alone. Its always what teachers said all these years thhat you would have to do everything yourself when you become an adult. Im on the edge on giving up my dreams. i cant even get a job. you have to be social interactive not a room stuck antisocial person with no confidence, starts panicking too much for small things and mumble to much as i dont know what to say. Things have to change but what am i going to do now. take another class that is not english but accidentally meeting someone from a group project you were suppose to present todsy or just stay in my room  the whole summer thinking whats wrong with me ad this meaning with life and how theres no really a reason to life you just exist. i could just try to distract my self again with music and stuff but with this class i stopped goiing and going to end tomorrow im going to be thinking about this for a while. I could try fixing fasa but with this recent class and my lack of evidence to support my apeal and with no job and no experience what am i going t do. i am a failure, loser yet what can i do. i dont think thoses college ad visors will be any help so whats the use. I never went to my high school consuleors because their for academic purpose not for my problem. why did i broke at the highschool graduation. never had friends always alone going back and forth to school creating characters to fill the need for friends for my idea stories. im realizing they were also a distraction from loneliness some of the time drawing them when im alone. i can see now i was a loner. well what got to me to this state now. Parent expects all or nothing and noting that my siblings are acheiving greater things im just ithe way of their future. i to think of a plan to get myself out of this so now ill just think now that that class is finish. Me and my stupid feeling . Im not sic i can do it myself my family think im doing ok but im just stuck. cant look at them in the eye. i not going to therapy. i dont think it would work for me to go every week again. i just want advise.  that is  all