#i just despise the manual labor (not to mention what it does to my disabled self)

[nervousyoungtwinfantasydog]

fuck

[whiterosebrian]

You’re a Wizard, Brian

Within the witch community, there’s a common narrative floating around about how some people have always been witches or wizards—but really, both are gender-neutral terms, so you can expect those to be used interchangeably here too—before realizing that they were. Supposedly, there are elements throughout one’s life directly pointing that way. Was I always a witch? How could that narrative possibly apply to me?

For starters, from my younger years I have gravitated mostly towards books, games, series, and movies involving fantasy, myth, and the supernatural. Those might have influenced my playtime to some extent. I remember when I made up crude spellbooks and magical items. There were times when I also pretended to be some fantasy wizard.

I did once have an imaginary friend embodied as a plush penguin, much in the manner of Calvin and Hobbes. I actually took it seriously as a friend for a while. While that imaginary friend was too agreeable to me to be any genuine entity, that probably shows that I did seek out nonhuman friends. By the way, that was between the ages of ten and twelve—later than most children have imaginary friends.

I actually stopped this kind of magical play when I converted to Catholicism. I was trying to be loyal to Jesus, at least as I understood loyalty. Even during that time, I did still have an interest in myth and fantasy. I was also, sadly, led around the nose regarding the supernatural—I wholeheartedly acknowledge that belief in the supernatural can be manipulated to terrible ends. I’m also sorry that I trusted the Christian Right on other topics, naively believing that they told truth. It didn’t question enough, even if I did question some of what I heard or read. It wouldn’t be until I read websites from respected civil-rights organizations that I began noticing disturbing similarities between Christian Right and Neo-Nazi rhetoric—but that’s for a whole other post.

Towards the end of my time as a Catholic, I briefly wondered if I needed to be some kind of Hermetic Christian magician (I didn’t yet understand how much modern Hermeticism appropriates from Kabbalah or how much it stresses escaping a hopelessly corrupt material universe). Even still, I suppressed that wish, wanting to be loyal to Jesus as I understood loyalty. I simply wanted to be more mystical and not simply some little pious peon. Of course, gradually the tough questions about Catholicism’s real fruits made me question the claims to truth. I was also once in a failed long-distance relationship with a neo-pagan who helped me to better understand and sympathize with people like her.

I should also note that I increasingly had a longing for a new bond with nature and the spiritual presence in nature. That was present before, but I was sadly led around the nose by the Christian Right’s rhetoric about whatever is “natural” (i.e. suppressing sexual minorities). But I did learn finer lessons from the Church’s finer preachers about the divine presence within creation. Pope Francis, as conservative as he leans, is still often mocked as a tree-hugging globalist savage hippie for calling Christians to care for creation and drastically reform society so humans can live in harmony with creation! Anyway, it’s apparently common for artistic people to be interested in nature, but this does seem to fit into the overall pattern too.

I’ve also seen some people suggest that people with autism have very different minds that can lead them towards the paranormal. In light of everything else that I’ve typed, it is indeed likely that the very disability which has induced major challenges in my life has also pushed me out of the mundane norm and towards the other world. Yes, it’s true that I need to maintain ties to reality and science. At the same time, I do believe that there’s a complementary reality. While empathy and nonverbal communication can be difficult—thus, I’m not a full-blown empath—I probably have a certain sensitivity. I also have a need for authenticity and sincerity.

On the other hand, it’s also said that people simply choose the practice of magic and spiritualism. I came out of a crisis of faith wanting a new path to God. I wished for a new way to commune with and serve God, earth, and humanity. My very rough and preliminary looks at Jewish mysticism, along with readings of classical Christian grimoires, led me to understand that a magician can be a blessed servant of God. Of course, I later learned that the majority of Jews don’t want Gentiles poking into their mysticism after it has been crudely appropriated for so long. That’s one main thing that led me to choose the Northern way (with the other being the interest in my own Northern European heritage).

It’s also true that I don’t always hear things or see things. I don’t have super-special senses that came up from out of nowhere. The only possible exception is when I worked at an Amazon warehouse—it was just as rough as you might have heard, and during one boring moment I faintly heard a sweet feminine singing voice that seemed to beckon me. Was that simply an auditory hallucination brought on by such rough manual labor? Otherwise, I don’t think I have special senses. I will have to train such senses.

As much as I despise the Religious Right’s condemnations of modernity (as if the modern humans are mere savages), I must wonder whether I fit in easily with today’s materialistic and myopically empirical culture. Of course, a lot of people are questioning the current world system, as I’ve briefly mentioned elsewhere, and it could be that the crisis in global human society has affected me too, provoking wondering about my place on this world anew.

What can I conclude about being a wizard? Was I always a wizard all along, or did I choose to take up magic? It seems that the truth is somewhere in the middle.

I hope that my journal entries of late haven’t come off as silly navel-gazing. I have been seriously reexamining my life as I embark on new trails within a new quest. In this case I am taking another look at my earlier life and where seminal elements within it have led me. I’ll try to keep these to a minimum so I don’t seem self-absorbed but I may end up having a lot to say sometimes.