#i just rly enjoy stories of recovery and things getting better

[quirkle2]

I actually want the scarf backstory.

(warnings in the tags)

ok so here's the sitch, the scarf will come eventually i promise

wars' entire life growing up in castle town was just . frankly shitty GVYEAGIV his family was decently wealthy and they easily had food on the table, but wars' father was a Dick and very much not a good parent

wars' mother on the other hand, was like . basically The World to him. in his little 8-year-old eyes she was Everything and he followed her around everywhere she went and he just adored her. she was always so gentle and patient w him and she made sure to teach him how to be kind above all else. she was the one who kept him from letting the arrogance and just,, general toxic behavior of a LOT of people in castle town influence him

she gives him a big orange scarf that she made at some point, just a little gift for when he's older and able to wear it, but he ends up adoring it so much that he wears it even when he's Tiny and gets very attached to it

his mother sadly passes from illness when wars is 8. him being a little guy and not knowing how to process grief in the slightest, he grasps at the only thing he has left of her and that's the scarf—it becomes a comfort item, smth he can't leave his own room without having it wrapped around him

his father starts training him when he's 9 in hopes of making him a soldier good enough to defend the kingdom. he grows up, doesn't make many friends, and eventually climbs the ranks until around the time his game begins. his father dies in battle before wars is even promoted to captain. all that hard work to make him proud, and he never sees him succeed

impa promotes him and hands him the blue scarf, and he's forced to discard his precious orange one in exchange for the Hero's garb. it feels heavy in his hands, heavy on his shoulders, and even though he's 18 when this happens, he's still far too young to rly understand the scope of what he's being dragged into

months later, he knows. he knows far too well why that scarf had felt so heavy on him when he'd first donned it

i'm sure u can guess where i'm goin w this, but all the Expectations and the High Standards and the Pressure of being the hero sorta just melds w the scarf in his mind, and when he puts that thing on, he feels all of it weigh on him

the people in his kingdom are Critical. they love him and they hate him and they praise him and they mock him and u know how being a Big Figure goes, right? every little thing he does is treated with both cheers and malice and usually, to him, the malice reaches much further

they ridicule him for just abt everything. he stands next to artemis as she's giving a speech, acting as her bodyguard—rly just there for show since he never says much during the parades and the announcements—and people in the crowd r making gestures at him, slitting-throat signs w their hands, yelling and mouthing death threats right at his face. when he returns from a long battle injured and beaten, they accuse him of being a poor choice for a war, not good enough of a fighter, not strong enough; when he returns uninjured, they claim he's slacking and letting his underlings take the hits instead

and during the war ? wars' life is just . ,,,so so bad in the mental health department. he's Completely alone. he lives by himself, he has no friends, and impa and artemis are more coworkers than they are companions, even if they claim to have his back. he's overworked until he can barely walk by the end of the day and every surface of his house is peppered w paperwork that he can never escape. the weight of the responsibilities and the Trauma of the war on top of all that ?

he's close to breaking. he's the type of person that needs and loves and seeks affection and he hasn't gotten that literally since he was 8. he's an extrovert, Loves talking to people, loves Being w people and conversing and joking around and hugging and laughing and he's got none of that—the closest he manages is w his troops, but wars is careful not to get too close for,,, obvious reasons. he doesn't need to lose anybody else

he comes home to an empty house and it's that ? staticy, humming silence when he closes the door and stands there in the dark that he hates the most. he has a couch that nobody has ever sat on except him. he doesn't have enough time to decorate and the furniture and tapestries on the walls weren't even put there by him, it was the people artemis hired that were put in charge of housing him. it all feels utterly Empty, and wars is . pretty much hopeless at some point. just,, trudgin along

but then the war is won. and even though that doesn't relieve him of hero duty, at least the fighting and the death is over with. all their resources r directed to rebuilding, and while it's still a lot of work and everything is far from over and wars is still utterly fucking exhausted, he's just glad there's no more corpses he has to look at

fast forward to lu—he meets the chain, they go on a quest, and for the first time ever, he gets close to people. he starts calling them teammates, then friends, then Family, and since he's technically not on duty while out w the chain, he wears his orange scarf instead. it's lighter than the blue one in many, many ways

at some point when they return to wars' era for a visit and a quick break, wars is not included in that break. they overwork him hard enough for him to get ill and bedridden and legend gets so irate about it that he marches up to artemis and impa and makes a Big scene abt it

he's drawing negative attention to authority, but they bite their tongues until wars is better. when he is better, he is called to the throne room and ordered to "keep legend quiet." wars doesn't like that. stuff happens, arguments ensue, and it eventually gets bad enough to where they threaten to Ban legend from castle town altogether

this is . greatly disturbing to warriors. bc they Know how much ledge means to him. and they would blatantly use that against him, to get their way ? they call themselves his friends, when they'd do smth like that?

he says that if legend is banned, so is he—their Hero

and they agree to that

so warriors is, legally, exiled from castle town—his home. he'd meant it as a bluff, bc he'd half-thought artemis was bluffing—ofc tho, he doesn't regret the decision, not when legend was being wrongfully banned just for sticking up for him. and he spends the next few weeks thinking all that over—the fact that his "friends" would do that to him is appalling, but it suddenly,,, Hits him at some point that when he'd stopped being useful, they just,, threw him out

the second he got too hard to handle and not worth the trouble, they tossed him to the street. some "friends" they were.

when he's exiled, he's given a chance to reflect. and he realizes that it was actually one of the best thing to ever happen to him. he was so unhappy all his life within those goddamn walls, so miserably alone, so utterly hopeless, and then when he'd been sent through those portals and met the chain, the weight of that all seemed to ,, lift, a little

he realizes that even though he's on another adventure and looking death in the face, he's infinitely happier with the chain than he ever would have been back home. the chain loves him, treats him like family, talks to him, jokes w him, hugs him and laughs w him. they don't overwork him to death and they don't stop loving him when he's not at peak performance 24/7. he has people who care. he has people who don't only talk to him when they want smth from him

so he ditches the blue scarf altogether. with it goes his responsibilities and all the stress and depression and crippling loneliness it had housed. he dons the orange one instead, sunshine on his back—he's gained a family and the warmth of that resides in it, the happy, jittery feeling in his chest is what the fabric is practically made of. it reminds him of his mother and happiness and it feels so, so much lighter.

[rimurutempest-bounced]

questions for neurodivergent folks ( from @shitborderlinesdo )

post here!

if ur autistic:

1. do you stim?

yes, sometimes! i’ve suppressed a lot of it over time but i still do some subtly.

 if so, what are yr favourite stims? 

touching/tapping the tips of my fingers together, stroking soft patches of skin(esp backs of my hands, wrists, or parts of my thighs, hips, ankles), cracking knuckles, stretching fingers/feet/arms/legs rly far, rapid blinking(though i also have a tic involving blinking which is similar, but involuntary), bubble wrap,flicking light switches/door lock mechanisms, bouncing on toes, toewalking, chewing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(esp pens/pen caps and similar textures), biting, mouthing/lipping things, clacking my teeth lightly, whistling, leg jiggle sometimes, jumping, skipping, hopping, and a few other rly specific things (like involving swimming, or being on something and hanging so im upside down and stuff)

2. happy stims? chewing, biting, skin stroking, finger tapping, skipping, hopping, jumping 3. negative stims? snapping fingers, “hiccuping” (it’s a little giggle/hiccup type thing i do, but idk what to call it), teeth clacking, leg jiggle, exposing too long to extreme cold temps, hitting head against things 4. favourite textures? idk how to explain the soft-smooth i like; silk usually looks like it should feel like this, but it doesn't. also when people talk about “plush velvet” the texture that comes to mind is good, like a really nice stuffed animal or a cavalier king charles spaniel with super soft fur, but real velvet feels bad lol. also just most fur in general, esp rabbit, cat, certain dogs. some wing or chest feathers on birds like doves. milk weed fluff. soft, squishy, fuzzy caterpillars(not the bristly guard hair ones. more like forest tent caterpillars), moon jellies, soft leather/suede, really smooth grey granite, polished shiny pink granite, lambs ear/mullein 5. least favourite textures? some types of linen are VERY BAD but idk what they are, they’re like stiff and scratchy and feel super cold? gummy bears, ew. really hard chocolate in cold ice cream, a lot of faux furs, like so many, most (sheep)wool, scallops, often times chinchilla fur feels bad, most velvet, esp crushed velvet, potato sacks, a lot of plastic bags/thin plastic film 6. what's a pet peeve of urs involving a specific sound? squeaky plastic is the worst, esp from plastic wrap. teeth grinding/bruxing is bad, hearing people having sex in another room/apt, heavy footsteps/stomping, esp when fast like running, door slamming, when people slam their hands on a table because they just thought of something, the sound quality of like...having water in your ears/popped ear drums, where everything feels muffled and almost whispery/far away, but also REALLY LOUD AND CLOSE... 7. a specific sound that makes you Really Happy? al snoring softly like a cat, my cat snoring, cats purring, crackling fires, wind whistling, waves lapping, thunder rumbling, THUNDER CRACKING, wood creaking in a strong wind, that soft snuffling of cat/dog noses, the sound of rodents digging in bedding or eating millet, angel caller bells(bola, fairy callers, whatever you call them) 8. when were you diagnosed (self or professionally)? about 6 years ago what has changed with the diagnosis? i dont hate myself for as much of my behaviours/thinking/speech patterns. im slowly trying to let myself let go of “survival mode” NT behaviours i was forced to learn 9. are there any behaviours you have that, prior to diagnosis, didnt make much sense, but now they do? too many to list lmao 10. what kind of representation would you like to see of autistic ppl in media? girls, trans folks, autistics of colour, just less cis white boy perfect example savants. autistics with “atypical” autistic symptoms. autistics with ugly meltdowns and other unpleasant symptoms. autistics who are messy eaters, who can’t dress themselves, who struggle with everyday tasks and self care. autistics with “useless” special interests that cant be reworked to make them more productive genius types. LOUD autistics.  

if ur mentally ill:

11.when were you diagnosed (self or professional)?

6 yrs old or younger

12. what is your diagnosis/are your diagnoses?

BPD, (various types of)depression, DPD/social anxiety(when i’m alone)/agoraphobia, panic disorder NOS, mood disorder NOS, DID, ADD/ADHD-PI, ASD, gender dysphoria at one point, conduct disorder or whatever it was called. IED. all i can think of. all diagnosed professionally over the years, though ASD is not on any official records because i asked it to be left off to avoid that specific abuse/stigma.

13. is the community youve found with other mentally ill ppl helpful?

mostly no. but in some ways, yes. i appreciate having more access to info, hearing relatable stories, common symptoms/experiences that help me understand things better, etc. close friends with illnesses/disorders are nice, but mostly i know them for other reasons outside of diagnoses.

14. do you find it challenging to tell ppl yr mentally ill?

absolutely

15. what are the most effective coping mechanisms youve found?

im not sure. i just...cope? somehow? not always effectively, but idk.

16. have you ever been to therapy?

ya

if yes, what helped and what didnt help?

i hate group therapy. in individual therapy, i like having my husband sit in on the sessions for support. therapist NEEDS to prompt me and ask active and specific questions. setting clear goals with clear steps helps. a lot of more “creative” methods actually are super unhelpful for me.

17. do "find your happy place" exercises help you or no?

sort of? i don’t try them much. usually they make me sadder that im not there.

18. what are some of the most Tiresome Cliches ppl tell you to deal with yr mental illness (i.e., "just do yoga!")? 

“everyone gets depressed”, “yoga”, “fresh air, sunlight, and exercise!”, “essential oils”, “meditation”, “_______ diet/supplement”, “mind over matter”, “lose some weight” (THIS DOES NOT MEAN NONE OF THESE CAN BE HELPFUL AND I DO WANT TO DO SOME OF THESE THINGS, BUT STATING THE OBVIOUS ABOUT THIS SHIT AND BEING CONDESCENDING IS SO FUCKING ANNOYING)

19. what books / movies have really helped u?

none in this regard

20. what kind of representation would u like to see of mentally ill ppl in media?

idk. better. sympathetic without condescentding, infantilising, or demonising. sympathetic recovery stories, showing a happy ending, but not some “theyre cured” BS

if ur chronically ill:

21. when were you diagnosed (self or professionally)?

asthma - like 4 yrs old, tendonitis - like 13 yrs old, unspecified pain/inflammation - 2019 professionally (like 2011 ish on my own, but really it started when i was ~13), nocturnal epilepsy - not done with diagnosis process/testing as of july 2019, a few chronic infections that don’t affect me any more were diagnosed when i was a kid, idk

22. do you find the support system with other similarly affected ppl to be helpful?

i’ve not been involved much, tried it out, really

23. what do you struggle w most on a daily basis?

pain/inflammation/stiffness in joints, back, neck, shoulders, feet

24. what helps you most?

i wanna say sleep, but it actually makes everything worse so, new diet(anti inflammation), making goals/plans, spirituality, going to healing places like the woods or by the sea or mountains, massage, soft comforting petting from my husband

25. what do you want to tell able-bodied and neurotypical ppl in regards to chronic illness?

it’s not the same. yeah maybe “everyone has back pain”, but my pain and your pain are different; they happen for different reasons and they affect us in different ways. if everyone is in pain we should do something to make life easier for everyone, not dismiss people who are suffering.

26. how do u keep your strength on a daily basis? i dont

27. if yr family supportive?

mostly yeah?

if not, who do you find the most strength and support in, outside of yourself?

my husband, regardless

28. what kind of representation would you like to see of chronically ill ppl in media?

show me people who find creative, easy, free/cheap ways to be comfortable/improve symptoms. do not fucking cure them to make them happy. let them be happy and comfortable by finding new ways to do things, no by erasing their obstacles.

if u have bpd:

29. when were u diagnosed (self or professionally)?

2014, i think? though it was suggested by a therapist in like 2008 or 2009

30. do you think the support system in the community is helpful?

no

31. what are some of the ways you keep yrself grounded and remind yrself to Take a Step Back when bad feelings get in the way of rational thinking?

remind myself other people have autonomy, think about how i would feel if someone reacted to things i was doing the way my brain wants to impulsively react to them, talk talk talk, find something else to do as distraction

32. coping skills?

idfk what they are, they’re just there. usually.

33. how do u keep yrself in check when impulsive mood swings come around?

uh, mostly i covered this in 31. gotta reset focus on something else, find distraction that produces different emotions until mood passes

34. what skills do you use to remind yourself that you are loved?

husband. doesnt always work, but mostly.

35. who has been the most supportive of u?

husband.

36. how has your diagnosis changed the way you view yrself and yr interactions w other ppl?

more mindful of others feelings and needs, esp my mum with BPD

37. what kind of representation would you like to see of ppl w bpd in media?

not fucking abusive/manipulative or miserable. let us struggle but have great supports and practice effective coping skills so we can build stronger relationship bonds and enjoy socializing and/or things that are personally important

all ppl:

38. how do you deal w ableism that comes at you from all directions?

laugh about it with my friends i guess?

39. who in your life is the most supportive of u and yr recovery?

husband

40. who are some people on tumblr who have really helped u in yr journey?

well, i met cieran here. alice has been a good influence. there’s a few of you for sure, though maybe not all specifically for these sorts of things.

41. best coping skills?

i dont know

42. most irritating Ableist Cliches ppl use to tell u yr not good enough?

infantilizing me(comparing me to a child), mocking my productivity/commercial success, “daddy issues”, trying to gaslight me into thinking i’ve been abusive because we disagree on something/i pointed out something they dont like

43. best most supportive thing anyone's said to you? 

“i want to be like you when i grow up”

44. songs for Happy Times?

counting stars, gooey, just about anything by MIKA, most “meme” songs

45. songs for Not-Happy Times?

a lot of hozier, bastille, of monsters and men, rage against the machine, flobots

46. non-triggering movies that discuss mental illness?

im not sure, i know there are some i love that i could list, but none are coming to mind. not a movie but: moomin and most ghibli media, esp kiki’s delivery service.

[dillydedalus]

books i read in july

i stole this format from @berlincorpography and i’m doing it kinda early bc i just started a longer book that i won’t finish today - anyway here’s what i read in july

open city, teju cole (uni) i appreciate what this book is doing as a contemporary postcolonial immigrant take on the flâneur and i know the irritation i felt was all intentional  but it’s still annoying!!! also i don’t think the twist really works and the way it’s used just made me super uncomfortable. 3/5 

the complete stories, agnes owens i mentioned this one in my midyear wrap-up already but like it is just too dreary and bleak and eventually i couldn’t stand it anymore. i think a ‘selected stories’ would have been much better, because some of them are really good - horrible people, dark humour, sharp wit - ‘arabella’ is brilliant. 2/5

the city of brass, s.a. chakraborty (daevabad #1) this is a YA-ish fantasy novel set partly in ottoman cairo and partly in the city of the djinn (daevabad). the protag is a con-artist (!!!) in cairo who has some ~mysterious powers accidentally summons a mean hawt djinn and there’s djinn politics and court intrigue and all that fun stuff. i had fun but it has all the YA Fantasy Tropes Ever to a slightly ridiculous effect. plus the love story goes from Making Out With the Hot Magical Dude Who Kinda Maybe Abducted You, which is incredibly #valid, to ~doomed true love, which. whatever. 2.5/5 might continue the series

do not say we have nothing, madeleine thien a family history in 20th century china - it was interesting bc i haven’t read much lit set in china but i didn’t rly connect with the characters and it was just Too Damn Long. 3/5

wir sind ja nicht zum spaß hier, deniz yücel deniz yücel is a german journalist who was imprisoned under no/bogus charges for about a year in turkey and was only recently released. this is a collection of some of his best texts plus his prison writing. really like his writing & perspective and i would personally fistfight erdoğan and the whole entire afd for his honour so meet me in the pit i guess. 4/5 #deutschlandschaffdichab

not that bad: dispatched from rape culture, various authors, edited by roxane gay a collection of essays on rape culture - most of them of a personal/testimonial nature. i think i expected (and would have preferred) a more analytical approach bc in my Personal SexTrauma Recovery i’m just at a point where reading about other people’s experiences over & over doesn’t do me much good. but that is obvi personal. no rating

love, hate and other filters, samira ahmed kind of cute and it gets better when it adresses islamophobia, but the romance is VERY cringe and gets way too much time devoted to it. plus the writing is often really awkward and i found the character kind of... unbelievable in how she reacts to things emotionally. eh. 2/5

spinning silver, naomi novik AAAAAAAAH. as i have mentioned before, i absolutely adore uprooted, so my hopes were high and overall i loved it & it filled that uprooted-shaped hole in my heart. it’s vaguely based on rumplestilskin, has winter fae with Weird Fae Logic (everything’s a transaction & u better know how to bargain) who are obsessed with gold, a fire demon, and gr8 characters. the protagonist, miryem, is the daughter of a money-lender who’s too kind for his job, and she’s exhausted and hungry and angry (so angry) so she decides fuck this antisemitic piece-of-shit village, and takes over from her father. and she’s really fucking good at collecting debts and at trading, so good that the king of the winter fae challenges her to turn silver into gold for him three times. she’s amazing and sharp and constantly furious and she out-bargains the King of Weird Transactional Fae Logic and i just love her!! (and yes her and her family are explicitly jewish so that’s cool). there are some other pov characters and they’re mostly good but pale in comparison to miryem and i think the plot is a bit overloaded (plus having read this and uprooted i feel like i have some very specific info about naomi novik’s kinks aka abduction seduction) but i enjoyed it a lot and will probably reread it in winter. 4/5 

there there, tommy orange definitely worth reading, important, impactful etc. for me, the multi-perspective structure (12 characters with 2-3 shortish chapters each) didn’t work out entirely; i kind of would have preferred fewer characters and more in-depth depictions of them instead, but this kind of structure is always difficult to pull of well, and i think for some characters it did work. but like, it’s def deserving of the hype and all that. 3.5/5

heißer sommer, uwe timm this is a german novel following a student who becomes involved in the ‘68 student protest movement. it’s an interesting setting & i enjoyed the depiction of the clash between the student’s generation and their parents’ generation - but the clashes within the movement are basically just leftie tumblr discourse but in ‘68. it’s really slow-paced and rambly & there’s a lot of sexism which i thiiiink was an intentional critique of ullrich and the movement but: ugh. 2/5

marat/sade, peter weiss if u like weirdo pomo meta-theatre you’ll probably like this play about a performance of the assassination of french revolutionary marat performed by inmates of an asylum under the direction of the marquis de sade. if you don’t like weirdo pomo meta-theatre you probably rly won’t! 3/5 (it’s also on youtube)

my brilliant friend, elena ferrante (neapolitan #1) complex, relatable & not always likable female characters? genuinely complicated & fraught female friendships that aren’t just ‘catty frenemies lol’? set amid the poverty and hopelessness and violence of post-war naples? good stuff! this one is pretty slow-moving (i’ve heard the later ones are faster-paced) but tbh if knausgaard can write a six-part autobiographical cycle called..... my struggle..... then ferrante should be able to write four novels about stuff that is actually interesting w/o being harrassed about her true identity but apparently not lmao! 3.5/5 (will continue with the series eventually)

assassin’s apprentice, robin hobb (farseer trilogy #1) this is a slow-paced coming-of-age/apprenticeship fantasy story with magical elements and court intrigue - in terms of plot and worldbuilding it’s fairly generic, but it’s well-executed and there are hints of more exciting and unusual things to come. what really won me over were the characters and their relationships and then the finale is really great; also i teared up at the last paragraph so thanks for that robin. i will continue with this trilogy asap (c’mon overdrive) and then maybe go on with the larger realm of the elderlings series (16 books total lol) after a while. 3/5

aaand that’s it for july. i’m currently reading rebecca by daphne du maurier but yeah i won’t finish it today (i will saw tho @ thenarrator look i’m a selfconscious awkward neurotic mess so i can relate but girl you need to chill)

[simkjrs]

ch6 asks, cont’d.

Anonymous said: read the latest chapter and honestly even though im screaming in agony, i absolutely love this drama. i really cant wait to see where youre going with this. it also makes me happy to see you make so many good characters autistic, it feels nice to be able to relate to actions. also, izuku's entire internal conflict in this chapter? BIG MOOD.

fdjdkljf happy to hear someone’s enjoying it!! also, thank you for the feedback -- it’s nice to know that i’ve done alright,representation-wise. :^)

Anonymous said: just wanted to tell you that i'm at the spot when izuku basically tells it like it is to kacchan. and it's pretty much spot on. from what i can tell. from real life experiences. I sincerely hope that this time in your life is past if you've had to experience something like this or you have people you can turn to. otherwise, dude, you are scarily good at writing. i'm seriously afraid of how this conversation is going to turn out. the chapter's really beautiful and honestly just inspiring. thank u

this is such a nice ask i didnt know what to do with myself after reading it? 

no comment on my real life situation except that everything’s fine right now. i haven’t experienced everything that izuku is dealing with (or at least.. not to that degree?) SO i’m just extrapolating beyond my own life & experiences, and also incorporating what i’ve learned by reading through accounts by people who have actually lived through these things. thank you for writing in, and thank you for your concern 

@ceilingbattles​ said: I just wanted to say thank you so much for the new chapter <3 honestly its my favourite fanfiction, and I just really appreciate all the work you put into it, its amazing!!! (I don't have an ao3 account, just really wanted to let you know). Also just wow. that was a chapter. 100% worth it, I will read it repetitively on my phone as I have the rest of the fic.

thank you!! it’s really nice to hear that, and i feel incredibly honored to have written someone’s favorite fic. i hope it continues to live up to your expectations!

Anonymous said: i feel like byggualom! izuku and suneater would get along very well. kindred spirits kinda thing

both of them have massive anxiety so they can definitely empathize with each other, and i think izuku would do his best to accommodate suneater! it would be really exhausting for izuku though, i think, so while they’d get along well i don’t know if they’d be good for each other for extended periods of time. anxiety echo chamber

@aliceofbrokendreams​ said: Can I give you a hug? Cause if writing the first half invoked as much emotion as it did in me reading it, you should have one.

yeah... it was really hard writing this chapter. thank you 

@slightlyobssesive​ said: I would just like to say that this chapter took me four hours to read and then another one to compose myself to type this. On one hand I absolutely adore you because some parts had me so happy and the portrayal of Izuku's abuse is handled so well. On the other hand though I am cradling my heart that has been shattered into about 3 million pieces and screaming why because this chapter emotionally destroyed me. I cannot properly express my current feelings in this small amount of space just WHYYYY

im sorry but also im completely not sorry, THANK YOU FOR READING DESPITE YOUR DEEP PERSONAL SUFFERING 

and also thanks for your feedback re: the representation of izuku’s abuse! i’m glad i was able to convey it well!

@abrcmhatford​ said: i uh wanna say that i really appreciate how you're handling izuku's reaction to realizing that yeah, it was abuse, because people brush over the recovery a lot, and i've been in izuku's shoes and i think you captured the entirety of it really well. it's rough and it's really hard and it's still hard and i like how you didn't just ignore the gritty details and kept pushing. thanks

yeah! i wanted to write something that was about recovery, and moving forward, and doing your best despite your circumstances. i pulled on my own experiences with depression and other things to try and write this, and what i learned, so... i’m happy to hear it resonated with someone else too. i hope that you’re out of that situation now, and that things are better for you. thank you for your feedback. it means a lot to me. 

@angryqueermermaid​ said: you. absolute motherfucker.

alright now that name calling is out of the way I must say that you have the BEST portrayal of depression and anxiety I have EVER seen. like. holy shit my guy. the entire ch I was just like. "same? same. SAME." and, well, while that was a fucking kick in the pants, it was so.... confusingly cathartic??? in a good way??? to watch izuku struggle with the shit I have felt, in ALL aspects of life like being vunerable and/or high energy/socialization settings. fucking. GOD MY KOKORO.

FUCK WHAT I'M TRYING TO IS THAT YOU DID GOOD

i once saw a quote that said something like, “if you want to make someone a monster to society, first make sure they never see themselves in your stories.” it’s a morbid quote, but i feel like it explains well why it’s so meaningful when you see yourself reflected in a story. i know the first time i read a chinese-american protagonist, and one who wasn’t interested in romance to boot, i was in junior high and it made me so happy because i’d never had that representation before. 

that’s one of the reasons i write so many characters with mental illnesses or trauma -- i don’t see enough of us in mainstream stories, and i think those stories need to be told, just so we can remember that we aren’t alone. i’m really glad you found catharsis reading chapter 6, and that i was able to catch some of those struggles you go through. thank you for writing in!

Anonymous said: OF COURSE YOU POSTED YOUR LONG-AWAITED SIXTH CHAPTER IN JUNE

and yet, i missed the anniversary!!!! a failure!!!!

Anonymous said: sometimes I just go to your blog to make sure you're okay. like of you're blogging then you're either okay or trying your hardest

i’m not actually sure if this was a ch6 asks but it was sent with the rest so. thank you. it soothes me to know that someone out there is thinking of my wellbeing, because i sure don’t and i guess someone has to. (but in all seriousness, that’s really sweet)

Anonymous said: Hey! I just wanted to let you know that I loved the chapter 6 a lot! As a writer, I can understand not being entirely happy with your work, but as someone who recently got out of a very unhealthy situation, it makes me happy that you put it up anyway! Izuku's recovery mimicked mine in a lot of ways, especially the coming to terms with it. His talk with Yagi about grief hit very close to home, but also was very inspiring, if that makes any sense!! So sincerely, thank you so much! ^u^

i’m really happy to hear that!! i tried to catch the feeling / moment i had when i was getting through my depression, where for two weeks or so i was so miserable all the time and just wanted to... stop. it’s hard to explain, but one day i got up in the morning and knew that i was just tired of all this, tired of stagnating in the same place and tired of being miserable all the time, and maybe i couldn’t get rid of my depression but at the very least i had to try. if i was able to convey any of that through izuku’s conversation with yagi, then i’m satisfied. thank you!!

Anonymous said: Thank you for sharing your writing with us

and thank you for appreciating it! <3

@chocowl​ said:  From start to end this was a rly good chap. The recovery process, the relationships, and everything else was so good. I esp liked how Izuku mobilised his network and how Katsu got some Consequences. And Mitoki... much gold as always! Altogether: thank you for this journey! I loved it and i love you for creating such amazing content. Ihope you have an amazing day and time! :) xoxo

(sorry i split up your asks into two different posts! categorization purposes...)

i’m really glad you enjoyed that!! i worked so hard on the emotional atmosphere of this chapter, haha. glad to see it paid off. <3 <3 thank you for all your feedback, too, and also the really nice art you’ve made for me!

Anonymous said: someone made a pinterest board for The Fic! it looks p small rn (111 pins?) but its kinda cute

i don’t have a pinterest account so sadly i can’t zoom over and check it out, but wow... i’m really honored!! thank you for letting me know! 

Anonymous said: later, when Eri comes in- what would happen if byggualom!izuku was shot by Eri's quirk-removing drug? everyone's expecting something to happen but Izuku would be fine, considering he has no quirk (as far as he knows?)

muscular used izuku’s body to smash a concrete sidewalk into smithereens and izuku didn’t have so much as a scratch, one of the quirk-removing drugs’ bullets wouldn’t even have a chance. so actually, everyone’s question would be “what the hell is up with your skin” 

anyways, if you’re wondering if we’ll ever get a reveal, don’t worry. it’s coming. :^)

[appleciders]

do aos go OFF girl

okay let’s fucking go.

my all-time ultimate fave character: JEMMA SIMMONS. look. god knows i love skyedaisy. i love melinda may. i love bobbi morse. but jemma simmons is a few things i’ve wanted to be and so many things i wish i wasn’t, too many sharp angles and a mean streak and too overemotional and absolute shit at expressing it and she’s wonderful for it and. i just. love her a lot. a hell of a fucking lot more than the showrunners, at any rate.

a character I didn’t used to like but now do: okay for the sake of honesty i haven’t watched since...ages, but i didn’t like mack initially? just because of the shit way he treated jemma. but then that seemed to heal itself—though, cough, closure would have been nice, cough—and he became pretty rad

a character I used to like but now don’t: i liked coulson before the show and early s1 and now i...really don’t, tbh

a character I’m indifferent about: lincoln, ngl. 

a character who deserved better: all the people of color on this show, honestly. trip shouldn’t have died, raina shouldn’t have died, andrew shouldn’t have died, jiaying shouldn’t have died, anne weaver shouldn’t have been villified, kara shouldn’t have died, mike should’ve had a bigger role. and then there’s our main cast, like daisy—she deserves more narrative opinion imo, and more time to develop away from men, but then i guess i haven’t watched so idk what’s going on right now. she’s just the main and she’s not rly treated like it, yk? on a different note, jemma simmons deserved an honest-to-god trauma arc and fitz deserved more than the magic ableist cure he got.

a ship I’ve never been able to get into: ...f*tzsimmons, tbh? like it was cute for a hot second but so much shit just tumbled around it and the way it was written didn’t do either of them justice, least of all jemma, who was always propping up fitz’s arc. poor homegirl just kept getting fucking demonized left and right by the fandom. and then there’s all the ‘neither of them are whole without the other’ rhetoric and the ‘fixing’ each other shit and. that is. not fun.

a ship I’ve never been able to get over: simmorse and skimmons and platonic maysimmons. i love my wonderful bi daughters and their mama okay. 

a cute, low-key ship: yo-yo and mack, just bc i love elena, and mack’s pretty chill. is that still a thing? i hope that’s still a thing

an unpopular ship but I still enjoyed it: literally like, every (age-appropriate, for fuck’s sake) rarepair involving jemma im ok with. fitzskimmons. skimmorse. fitzsimmorse. was this supposed to be something that happened in the show? in that case... tripsimmons was cute

a ship that was totally wrong and never should have happened: um. ***********. i mean it isn’t totally wrong, i just wish it hadn’t happened. imo it messed up a lot of team dynamics.

my favourite storyline/moment: look, if they were still writing shit the quality of some s1 stuff—F.Z.Z.T. and T.R.A.C.K.S. and the hydra reveal—then i would still be watching the show. i loved my goofy offbeat kids, goddammit.

a storyline that never should have been written: all of jemma’s trauma recovery arc in s2, in which her healing would parallel daisyskye’s later turbulent beginnings with her inhuman powers. we’d see both of them having separate breakdowns, though jemma would be at hydra for longer and would have a genuine arc concerning her ptsd and likely eating disorder that came out of it. (also she’d bang bobbi.) when jemma came back, we’d see her talk to more people about what happened with fitz and get to see more of the toll it’s taken on her, and both she and fitz would end up having multiple genuine conversations about it. when jemma has an adverse reaction to daisy’s powers, we see her side of the story as well, though ultimately she changes her mind and the bus kids come back together as they see that their true goal has only ever been to help each other. the season ends with them back on the bus, coulson helping bobbi, trip, hunter, and mack to move into newly built rooms. may and her three kids are in the cockpit, taking turns learning how to fly. jemma eventually asks, biting her lip, “where will we go?” may turns a steady gaze to skye, whose eyes are stubbornly set on the horizon. the clouds are orange and red. “we’re gonna help people,” skye decides, “that’s how we started out. we wanted to help people—we weren’t supposed to become the government machine. rising tide, right? it swallowed us for a bit.” she looks nervously at jemma and fitz, but swallows and continues. “we’re just people. sure, i’m super-powered and awesome now—but i’m still just a person, at the end of the day. that’s what we all are.” she looks around at her family. “yeah.” there’s a long pause. jemma’s eyes are glassy. then, may’s lips quirk into a smile. “those aren’t coordinates,” she says. everyone pauses, then they begin to giggle—that was a joke. may made a joke. the screen fades dark.

my first thoughts on the show: i remember when this show got put on netflix and i was!! so excited!! i kept running back and forth to tell my dad all the funny bits in it and how fun and lighthearted it was and how much i loved skye.

my thoughts now: they literally have managed to make nazism seem like a feasible path for everyone to have been driven down and i’m. out.

send me a tv series and I’ll tell you: