#i just think it’s very mid & it annoys me because literally every other ship option would have been bounds more interesting

[rosesradio]

seeing solangelo discourse is so funny to me bc it’s like ‘there might be a slight age gap maybe!!’ or ‘will and nico's bickering isn’t Good Bickering it’s Bad’ like have you ever simply considered no one really gives a flying fuck about william solace as a character and solangelo is just as bad a ship (if not worse) than caleo and the only reason people like it (or even tolerate it) is because it’s a canon gay ship with one of the most popular characters in the series

[phoenixyfriend]

The Naruto/Frozen Crossover

So I was planning on just doing an image ID thing for this post, but apparently the formatting on desktop is such a mess that it’s easier to just make a new post that’s text only. I can also like. Bulletpoint it so that it can be a little neater. All ideas were made with @firebirdeternal​‘s help, because they are the most efficient enabler I have.

Also I added some bits at the end.

Under a cut, because it’s Long As Heck.

I originally had two options: either Mid-teens Elsa and Anna being transported to ninja land sometime pre-canon and running into Haku and Zabuza... or just like. Born as a Daimyou's daughters.

Spoiler alert, we’ve got nukenin and I’m a sucker for an intrusive crossover, so transported to ninja land it is.

Suggestion from Birdie:

Mechanism for crossover: Elsa ices over a Wishing Well by accident after having Wished for someone else who understood her, Anna and her fall in and get Ice Mirror Portaled to Ninjaland, falling out of an iced over pond near a shrine that Haku recently prayed at for similar lonely child reasons?

Which I like! They don’t end up there soon enough to run into Haku, because I want a dramatic chase first, but I like it.

Obviously, Anna is forced to learn about Elsa's powers because it's the only thing keeping them safe

Or at least alive

(Elsa will do ANYTHING to keep Anna safe, and if that means she has to get her hands dirty...)

...neither of them knows Japanese, so, you know. There’s that.

I'm thinking that they end up in/near Kiri at first

And they aren't FAST ENOUGH to get away so Elsa panic-enchants a giant reindeer made of snow to run away across the suddenly-frozen ocean.

She and Anna have to ride and Elsa is probably crying the whole time.

Oh shit this is like. RIGHT after their parents die, I forgot. So that’s a thing! They are in mourning and all that fun stuff.

Point is, they use the powers for a Self Defense thing and BBY Haku is just !!! "Master can we rescue them for Ice Cousin reasons?" Zabuza: Yes, and only for those practical reasons and not because I collect endangered children like people collect pokemon cards.

I imagine that maybe they track rumors of a Yuki-onna down, or the Giant Snow Reindeer rides by and Haku’s just like Wat

The girls just tag along with Zabuza because. Like.

Do they like him? No. Do they trust him? No. Do they enjoy the fact that he considers them pathetic civilians? No.

However, Haku is Baby.

Zabuza is REALLY annoyed at them being Useless Civilian Royals “but Haku likes them so I guess they can stay.”

Age at meeting, three years pre-canon:

Zabuza - 23

Elsa - 18

Anna - 15

Haku - 12

Elsa is 90% anxiety/depression master combo BUT if Zabzua protects her then she's WILDLY dangerous so like. Whatever

Elsa's bingo book nickname options, uninspired:

Winter Witch

Winter Queen

Ice Queen

Snow Queen

Something about a Yuki-Onna maybe

She's Very Stately and kinda breakable but Winter is her Bitch

I mean like, the fact that, if protected, she can shut down the agriculture of a fucking country? That's an S-rank even if she's not that useful in a fight.

She's like. Jinchuuriki-level destruction. Generally speaking she wouldn’t. But she could.

Elsa: What the fuck is a chakra? Elsa: my snow monsters are self-sustaining. Elsa: I'm gonna build us a house.

Zabuza has NO idea how her powers work and it is INCREDIBLY frustrating but “there’s no chakra cost to keep these things going and we have shelters on demand” is too convenient to question after a while.

Haku: Delicate, deadly, incredibly fast ninja work. Elsa: I can't dodge a kunai but watch me wreck your entire country's ecosystem in under a day.

Elsa is a siege weapon.

Meanwhile, Anna is really, really into the physicality of ninja practice.

She's clumsy and she's not very good at ninja stuff, but she sure is determined!

Anna also gets on Zabuza's nerves because she keeps insisting that Haku get to be a kid.

Anna: Let's make flower crowns! Zabuza: No, he needs to train, not- Anna: FLOWER CROWNS

Consider: Haku saying Elsa-nee-sama and Anna-hime.

Or just calling Elsa “onee-sama.”

Anna is also younger than Elsa and way more Fun so she probably gets adjusted to Anna-chan or Nee-chan.

If Zabuza calls Elsa “Hime-chan” or “Elsa-hime” or, Sage forbid, “Elsa-sama/dono” then he’s VERY MUCH making fun of her and he’s probably getting his soup frozen that night.

At one point, Elsa... tries to like. Convince herself to have a crush on Zabuza or Kakashi or something until Zabuza just puts a hand on her shoulder and asks "do you even like men?" "...that's an OPTION?"

Zabuza urging her to try and ask out a Cute Kunoichi and Elsa's like.... I can't decide if she's bright red and a useless lesbian or uncomfortable and ace.

I am SO invested in the siege weapon thing.

SHE IS THE SQUISHIEST WIZARD.

It's not her fault that every single other combatant on the continent is Massively Dangerous in melee! She took a very traditional back-line build!

Enemy: Doesn't it GRATE to protect someone so pathetic, Zabuza? Zabuza: She literally froze an entire castle of enemies to death because they harmed her sister, so. No.

Most Ninjas: Sharp Knife. S-Rank Mega Ninjas: Gun. Elsa: High Yield Explosive Rocket Launcher. Literally loses fights to the Knife People, because she can't bring her power to bear on that scale. But if you can give her Time and Prep? No contest.

Long distance AoE

Like  you know how Nagato is literally dying of starvation due to illness and can't walk, but he's also capable of leveling powerful villages more or less on his own?

Elsa is the same Vibe.

It’s like sealing a bijuu in a civilian.

She's honestly both more and less powerful? Like it'd be hard for her to kill everyone in Konoha in the snap of a finger? But also, she could starve out the Country of Fire in a summer.

She WOULDN'T, but she could.

I always read Elsa as gay or ace but my brain keeps trying to ship her with dude ninjas and I have to yank it back on a child leash.

People insinuate that Zabuza is interested in Elsa and he's just "What? Ew she's like five."

"I'm eighteen."

"Five."

BUT

Elsa! Might mistake trust and companionship for a crush!

I can see THAT happening despite gay/ace.

Also like. I don’t think Zabuza is straight.

So mlm/wlw solidarity?

And Haku is probs genderqueer.

So Anna is THE TOKEN STRAIGHT.

Anna is like, the Straight Friend who will go to the mat for her queer friends. Like vicious. In-your-face barking like a mean dog at people who were being bigots.

You know how Elsa in the second movie uses her powers to make toys for kids out of ice?

Okay, so her practicing by making things with Haku.

But yeah, Elsa can't really do "throws ice senbon," but she can do Delicate Geometry Things since she apparently, canonically studies math for fun and loves fractals.

Haku: I can trap you in a prison of ice mirrors, and you are at my mercy. Elsa: LOOK AT THIS CASTLE I MADE???

Haku wants to do Pretty Things like Elsa

OH.

Elsa makes... snow bunnies..

For the ninja distraction reasons but also because it's a Soft Thing that makes her feel better about, uh, everything. And Haku likes bunnies.

Zabuza still takes The Dirty Missions but Elsa gets upset when he does something that hurts innocents and Nobody wants Elsa upset. Even Zabuza doesn't want Elsa upset.

When Elsa gets upset, overnight accommodations are suddenly Very Uncomfortable for everyone except her and Haku.

And then Anna gets upset, which makes Elsa even MORE upset.

And then things just keep getting colder.

Zabuza doesn't want Elsa upset for many reasons, not limited to: "Is actually capable of killing me from outside of Sword Range if she's mad enough, even if it’s not that easy" and "the Small Children would be unbearably sad if she died and honestly so might I."

She's more of a friend than a ward and he's not entirely sure he's okay with that.

Zabuza: "Ew, friendship."

He has absolutely no idea how to have a social interaction with people he isn't Bullying, Raising, or Threatening to Kill.

Elsa and Anna have no trouble convincing people they're related, at least. Different coloration with almost identical bone structure.

A tendency to burst into song when they feel emotions.

Identical weird accent that nobody can place.

FOOD

The girls are royalty, they don't know how to COOK.

But they also want food from HOME.

It's a lot of trial and error.

More error than not, since they have both no knowledge and also a language barrier to overcome. It probably takes YEARS before they can describe things like Unfamiliar Flavors well enough for people to say "OH that sounds like spearmint."

When they run into something they know that’s familiar, it’s life-changing.

Chocolate is more common in the elemental nations than in Arandelle and Anna may or may not cry about it.

Anna is loudly bossy, even at Zabuza.

Zabuza is gruffly commanding, to everyone.

Elsa doesn't actually like being in charge, but when she talks, people LISTEN.

(Haku is just happy to be here.)

Elsa radiates two things: Anxiety, and Natural Command, and she basically just fluctuates between those.

"I don't want to be in charge but also I'm vetoing this."

So, obviously, the main reasons that Zabuza keeps the girls around is that Elsa is a living siege weapon and he thinks she could be convinced to help him run a revolution in Kiri, and also that the Ice Queen schtick is like. Really good for Haku and Zabuza can’t really say no to the kid.

HOWEVER, Anna is clumsy and messy and all that, so Zabuza starts training her in Ninja stuff. Elsa joins in on the “I need to know how to Run Fast to get away from fights I don’t want to have in the first place,” but Anna’s the one that’s like “TEACH ME HOW TO SWORD.”

It’s honestly not that hard to teach her, she’s just really, really, REALLY enthusiastic.

Once or twice someone asks why she’s so bad at this yet running around with an A-rank nukenin and Zabuza’s just like “I’ve only had her for a year and a half, shut up!” because it’s not that he’s a bad teacher, it’s that she was a very pampered civilian until like a week before he met her.

He should get a MEDAL for even getting her to low Chuunin.

Zabuza: I'm taking a job from Gato Elsa, who has Training in economics and politics and bureaucracy: I have a better idea.

This is actually not entirely what I’d do but I wanted to make the joke first ANYWAY here’s an actual plot or something.

Oh, also by this point everyone is Canon Ages so Elsa’s 21 and Anna’s 18 and Zabuza’s 26 and Haku’s 15.

Elsa is getting paid to keep the water from interfering with construction, by way of....

ICE COFFERDAM

Elsa with Haku as her Guard while Zabuza is off running his own mission? Which Anna begged to go on because Cool.

Elsa also kind of keeps her involvement on the ice front semi-secret by claiming she’s there as an engineering consultant.

LISTEN canon made her like geometry, I can ENTIRELY believe she’d be excited about the bridge-building.

Gato has hired someone else on the danger level of Zabuza, who is Threatening to Team 7 + Haku? But then when things look bleak Anna and Zabuza arrive and then Scary Sword Man is on our side and oh dear that's a lot of blood.

Which, you know, fun!

Birdie suggested Raiga which I’m not feeling but I do feel the need to bring up as an option.

It’s also not Kisame BUT

Kisame: [giant lake dome filled with sharks]

Elsa: uhhhhhhhhhhh...

Giant lake dome: [is now a giant ice dome]

Anyway

Gato: I'm hiring an army. Elsa: [giant ice wall around his compound] Gato: ... these guys can walk up walls! Elsa: [adds snowman guards] Elsa: ... Elsa: [adds a ceiling]

Just puts Gato's entire mob in a fucking snow globe.

Zabuza shows up twenty minutes late with (Throwing) Star(buck)s just like "Oh, they dead? No? Want 'em to be? Okay cool I'm gonna go pick up Haku, I'll be back in like an hour."

Anna would... LOVE Naruto

ENERGETIC FRIENDLY GOOFBALL

"I found us a baby brother!" "No, we already have Haku." "BUT LOOK AT HIM."

Anna is only a year or two older than Itachi.

OH RIGHT

I wanted to make a joke about how Naruto also vibes with her because he's less judgmental that she can't really... talk properly.

Sasuke is Judgy and Kakashi is Paranoid and Sakura is Uncomfortable.

Meanwhile Naruto is just like "And I Shall Scream."

Anna, who learned Japanese from Zabuza (rude) and Haku (uber polite): WELL FUCK YOU, GOOD SIR Naruto: YEAH WELL FUCK YOU TOO, LADY Elsa, overly formal: I am... so very sorry.

Anyway, generic missing nin fights and all that.

Elsa gets injured in the process and after a variety of arguments, Naruto manages to convince them to take her to Konoha for medical attention.

Elsa is... usually the one getting injured.

Zabuza and Haku are FAST and Anna is at least learning (even if she’s only been doing it for three years), but Elsa is The Squishy Wizard.

If someone throws a kunai... she can’t... really dodge...

So yeah, gut wound.

Normally they find a nukenin medic to patch them up but Konoha is reasonably close and has some of the more skilled medics on the continent and they DID technically help the Konoha nin so like. Gah.

That’s Zabuza’s final thought. Gah.

Just “Fuck it, let’s save the ice queen.”

Elsa ends up in a half-literal-ice stasis state on the way there and it’s happened before (it is not the first time she’s been stabbed), but it’s always terrifying.

Especially to the Konoha genin who are just like WHAT THE HECK IS THAT.

So they get to Konoha, there’s a whole bunch of stuff about extradition treaties and “you are bringing a literal WMD of a woman into our town” and “we can’t just let MOMOCHI ZABUZA in.”

Anyway, it ends up being that Zabuza has to wait outside the village while Elsa is treated inside, and one of the Teenagers goes in. Obviously, it’s Anna, because Zabuza is INCREDIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE with letting Haku enter a village that’s known for having lots of bloodlines, and anyway, Anna’s the sister.

Bunch of stuff, she’s healing, etc, and then one day Anna comes in and is told “your sister had a bad reaction to the anesthetic, we couldn’t save her, I’m sorry, she’s gone.”

She flips out, gets shown the corpse, flips out MORE, gets escorted out to the village walls where Zabuza and Haku are waiting.

Horrified reactions

Zabuza doesn’t want to admit that it’s EMOTIONS because this is his FRIEND, he is clearly just upset about losing the living siege weapon.

Haku is just super confused and goes “But she’s not dead.”

“What.”

“She’s not dead, I can feel her, I can always feel her, it’s like sensing but just her, because we’re both ice. She’s alive, somewhere over... there?”

And points right in the direction of the Hokage Mountain, which for the purposes of this fic and also Drama is where ROOT headquarters is.

YEP we absolutely have that plot point.

Is Danzo overused as a plot device? Probably. Am I going to diabolus ex machina him anyway? Ye.

They kick up enough of a fuss that the Hokage gets called down.

He wouldn’t, normally, he’d leave it to a couple of skilled jounin and call it a day, except Naruto got involved so like. You can’t. Ignore that.

There’s lots of shouting.

Just like. A lot.

And then part of the mountain explodes!

AS ONE DOES

Elsa comes flying backwards out of the hole, catches herself on a spontaneous ice slide, gets to her feet.

Girl is swaying like MAD.

There are absolutely ANBU (both fake and real) coming after her.

At least one of them gets speared through by an ice spike.

Anna runs up to her, tries to hug her, gets batted away.

Elsa’s staring at her in sheer TERROR and starts muttering something about how Anna died years ago, this isn’t real, etc.

Nobody except Anna understands most of it, but Haku picks up enough to translate when Anna’s freaking out.

Elsa starts doing her Ice Castle thing in the middle of Konoha as a coping mechanism, mostly so she can get Up and Away and Shielded By Ice.

This is not a good look.

Especially because she’s singing, which Zabuza always thinks is a bad omen because it means shit is getting real and one or both of the girls are about to get a powerup or be beaten even harder than otherwise. When they start singing, things get More Dramatic And Extreme).

(Zabuza does not like Disney Musical Rules)

Danzo shows up.

There’s a bunch of arguing.

All the medics insist that nothing she was given at the hospital should have caused amnesia, psychosis, hallucinations, delusions, etc.

It’s. Not hard for Hiruzen to guess what happened.

Namely that Danzo, upon finding out that chakra dampeners didn’t do shit since none of Elsa’s powers come from chakra, decided to keep her drugged up and start using genjutsu to make her more malleable.

Because like. An injured WMD just showed up in your village. What are you supposed to do, not try to kidnap her and turn her to your side? Like, come on. What was he supposed to do?

Not that, Danzo. Literally Not That.

IDK how it gets resolved, probably Anna getting to her with the power of love, because Elsa is ultimately Super Disney.

I also don’t really know where to go from there other than “Maybe Jiraiya can get you home, but also I’m pretty sure Zabuza wants you all to get the hell out of here and take over Kiri” but who knows.

Also

IMAGINE ELSA MEETING GAI.

Imagine Ino getting a puppy crush on Elsa.

IDK that’s it for now.

[awesomenightfall]

all this and heaven, too

For @lucyrne​! Modern!AU Varric/Bethany nonsense (featuring garbage!Purple!Hawke, ofc.) Mild language and mild (not explicit) sexual content. yes I also snuck in my guilty pleasure ship, Hawke --> Cassandra. Unbeta’d trash. Sorry.

---

Varric was two clicks away from confirming his Edible Arrangements order before sanity returned.

Sorry I had sex with your little sister, enjoy this fruit basket was probably not the best way to broach the subject of his night with Bethany.

Like most things in Varric’s life, he hadn’t planned for it to happen. Bethany Hawke, infinitely good, patient, and wonderful, having a sliver of interest in someone like him was too fantastical for even his overactive imagination. Sure, there had been months of blatant flirting, but Varric figured it was Bethany just being a nice girl. He never could have dreamed that what started as a friendly dinner and drinks would turn into “Oh shit, it’s 4:00 am and Bethany lost her bra under the bed.”

He never could have dreamed that that the venn diagram of Varric’s Pathetic Fantasies and Varric’s Harsh Reality would actually overlap for once in his life.

And of course, it had to happen with his best friend’s little sister.

Worse, it wasn’t even the usual “I’m so sad and lonely and hate myself” sex Varric indulged in. It ventured into “Oh no, I care about you and respect you” territory and that was terrifying in and of itself without the added complication of it being with a Hawke.

Varric knew there was always the option of never telling his best friend about his transgression, but he had had lived the secret relationship life before, and romance novels made it seem so much more glamorous than reality. No one liked to be kept a secret and both Bethany and Hawke (and himself, damn it) deserved better than that.

So here he was, prepared to send his lifelong friend an Edible Arrangement (because nothing said, “sorry I probably betrayed your trust and banged -- lovingly and respectfully, mind you -- your sister” like chocolate covered fruit) just to avoid the face-to-face confrontation.

Shutting his laptop, Varric looked up to his ceiling for answers and sighed when none were given. If he wanted to see where this thing with Bethany went, they’d eventually have to come clean to Hawke.

His phone dinged and, of course, it was the man he was hoping to avoid for the next fifty years or so.

[I'm a hoe, rich bitch and I work like I'm broke still]: the eagle flies at midnight!! caw caw!!

[Varric]: Hawke? When did you change your name in my phone?

[Varric]: Also, what the hell are you talking about? It’s 9:00 pm.

[I'm a hoe, rich bitch and I work like I'm broke still]: meet me @ the gym tomorrow at 7 sharp. officer mchottie lifts bright and early and im gonna be there to meet her. need my wingdwarf to hype me up

Varric was mid “go fuck yourself” text because he did not do mornings and he doubly did not do the gym when a pang of guilt hit him.

Shit.

[Varric]: Fine, but I’m only telling one Champion of Kirkwall story and then I’m out of there. I hate how gyms smell of sweat, self loathing, and despair.

[I'm a hoe, rich bitch and I work like I'm broke still]: ur the best! ;)

No he wasn’t.

He was garbage that was falling in love with his best friend’s sister.

---

“So who is this mystery lady that I got out of bed for?” Varric asked, plopping down on a nearby bench. “A cop? What, going legit, Hawke?”

He and Varric had skirted the law enough times that it was hilarious to think that Hawke wanted to hook up with an officer of the law. Varric was sure this was some kind of weird fantasy fulfillment or maybe Hawke had just run out of women in Kirkwall to have sex with. Either way, he had an ulterior motive: he was helping his friend, so perhaps Hawke would be more open to the possibility of Varric maybe, just maybe, dating his sister.

Hawke craned his neck, tilting his head towards the far side of the room. “10:00 o’clock. Don’t be so obvious. Wait a few seconds before looking.”

“Discretion is my middle name. So, about Bethany --”

“What about her?” Hawke started stretching just for show.

Varric’s throat dried up. The rational part of his mind knew Hawke would probably be fine with it. But the irrational part of his mind, the one that sounded suspiciously like the father of his ex, was screaming that he was worthless and what did have to bring to the table of any relationship?

He was a moderately successful author, he reminded himself. A businessman. A pretty damn good friend. Hawke’s damn good friend. Hawke’s damn good friend who helped get him laid by talking about how awesome Hawke was all the time.

But still...

“We--” Varric narrowed his eyes once he hit the 10:00 position. There stood a very familiar woman, tall, with cropped hair and cheekbones that could cut a man. “Wait. Isn’t that the cop who arrested me a few months back?”

Hawke’s eyes widened innocently. Too innocently. “What? Whatever do you mean?”

Varric scowled. “You can’t be serious.”

“Oh my dear, Varric,” Hawke chuckled. “I’m always serious.”

A headache starting from the base of his neck starting creeping up. It was a welcome distraction from his internal “This Is Why I Suck” monologue. “Hawke. She arrested me!”

“Well, maybe you deserved it.”

“She arrested and questioned me trying to get to you!” Varric hissed. It was taking all of his impeccable self control not to drop the Fine, you want to hook up with the cop that cuffed me? Good, because I made your sister scream my name last night. In your apartment bomb. “Where’s your loyalty?”

Says the dwarf sleeping with his friend’s precious little sister.

Hawke gestured towards the woman in question with a flourish. “Who needs loyalty when you could have those biceps? And did you see her abs? I know for a fact that she’s a huge fan of yours. You’re my in.”

Varric scrubbed his hand with his face. He’d rather listen to Anders’ manifesto -- the unabridged version -- than do this, but his conscience was eating at him.

“You owe me. You owe me so much and I’m going to collect, you bastard.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

---

Varric’s pocket vibrated, no doubt a message from Hawke scheming another plan to try to get a date with Officer Pentaghast, who did not take their earlier bait. In fact, she had looked them both over and only uttered a disgusted little, “Ugh” at the interruption to her workout. Varric imagined that the chase made her all the more appealing to Hawke; he was a true masochist.

Maybe that’s why they were such good friends. They did so love to suffer for their bad decisions.

“Is everything alright?” Bethany asked, pausing the television. It was Thursday, which meant they were indulging in their weekly bad reality show watching ritual, but Varric could barely concentrate on the shitty lives of the people on TV because he was so entrenched in his own bullshit. “You’re a million miles away.”

“Yes,” he said immediately but then thought better of himself. Bethany deserved better. “Shit, no. Sorry, Sunshine.”

Bethany gave him a sympathetic look and took his hand. “You’re not internally monologuing again, are you?”

“She said wisely, knowing full well that was exactly what he was doing.” Varric chuckled. “Just thinking about Hawke.”

“Ugh,” she said, not able to disguise the fondness in her voice. “Must you? He gets your attention every other hour of the day. Concentrate on the Hawke in front of you, if you please.”

He leaned over and pressed a kiss to her cheek. Varric had done it a thousand times in the years he had known her, but it felt new, exciting. Great, now he was feeling mushy and gross. As if things weren’t bad enough already. “Sorry. I’m just a little worried what he’ll think.”

Bethany clicked off the television and faced him fully. She frowned a little. “Why? We’re not doing anything wrong.”

He put his hands up. “I know that. You know that. Will he know that?”

“Who cares? You’re talking about a man who has slept with literally all of my friends. And all of your friends. Just desserts, if you ask me.”

Varric snorted. “Going through your rebellious stage, Sunshine?”

She tossed the remote off the couch and climbed into his lap. “Shall we find out?”

Oh, he was in.

---

Three shots of whiskey and Varric was ready.

He was a grown ass dwarf and he was going to bite the bullet and face judgment.

… okay, maybe after one more shot of liquid courage.

“I’m going to just say it,” Varric gasped at the after burn, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “I’m dating your sister. I care about her. She puts up with me, weirdly enough. And she deserves better than us sneaking around. So… there it is.”

Varric steeled himself for the outcome. He didn’t want to lose Hawke -- either Hawke -- but he wasn’t going to damn this relationship to failure without a fight. He just hoped his best friend didn’t deck him too hard.

Hawke put his beer down. “I know.”

“You-- what?”

“Do you think I’m an idiot? Don’t answer that,” Hawke amended quickly. “But come on, I’m not blind.”

Varric’s shoulder sagged in relief. And then, he was annoyed.

What the fuck? He had been stressed for weeks for nothing?

Maker, he hated this man.

“So you knew the entire time,” Varric said flatly.

“Duh,” said Hawke. “You’re my best mate. She’s my sister. It was so obvious. I think it’s great. I’m happy for you.”

Maker, he loved this man.

Hawke jabbed his beer bottle in Varric’s direction threateningly. “But I better not hear one word about a certain married ex coming into the picture if you’re seriously with my sister. If you hurt her, I hurt you. Clear?”

“Crystal. I know my word doesn’t mean much, but I’ll do this right, Hawke.”

“Great,” Hawke said cheerfully. “Now that that’s all resolved, let’s talk about me and Cassandra --”

“You’re on a first name basis?!”

“ -- picture this. I’m thinking.. Flowers. A shit ton of them. Maybe confetti. Women like confetti, right?”

Varric took another shot with a smirk, feeling better than he had in weeks.

“Sure, Hawke. She’ll like confetti. And extremely loud and ostentatious confessions of love, maybe with doves...”

[demaury]

Game On – High School AU | Enemies-to-friends-to-lovers AU (chap.4)

Ten years after his father shipped him off to boarding school, Jude is back to Los Angeles for his senior year. As it turns out, relinking with his childhood friend isn’t nearly as hard as it is to deal with his almost estranged father. Zero is the typical high school heartthrob and a basketball prodigy on the way to make a name for himself. Everything should be easy, but years in foster care and physical abuse don’t make for the smoothest reunion with former teen-mom  and her perfect family.

Really. They have a lot on their plate already.

Falling in love was not supposed to be an option. (read on ao3)

_________

“You look like trash for someone who doesn’t drink,” Kyle groaned, squinting hard.

“Good morning to you too,” Zero replied sarcastically as he strolled into the small kitchen, before sitting down at the table, his back against the wall.

Kyle’s hair was sticking up in every possible direction and he could already tell that she’d go back to sleep as soon as he’d leave. Her resistance to alcohol wasn’t very on point, but she kept claiming it was because her body would ‘react differently' depending on the day. 

“Pancakes?”

He shrugged and accepted the plate that she was holding in his direction, then she sat down next to him after grabbing two cups of hot chocolate and a second plate for her. A regular Sunday morning, mostly. Kyle’s mom was generally working on weekends ever since her daughters were old enough to stay home on their own. The fact that their house was on Zero’s way to his part-time job prompted him to swing by most weeks to hang out with Kyle, before taking his shift at the mechanic shop located down the street.

“So, what’s with the long face?” Kyle asked, quirking a brow.

“’Didn’t sleep very well,” he muttered, bleary eyes fixated on his plate.

Joke was on him because he had actually left the party reasonably early precisely to avoid being tired as hell the next morning. Thing was, he had spent most of the night before replaying the conversation he had back at Xander’s with Sadie. Yes, after exactly two weeks of refusing to talk to her or even to see her, Zero had let himself be cornered by his not-very-ex-girlfriend the night before — he was too busy trying to smash Abramson’s head in during Homecoming to say the three magic words (WE-ARE-OVER). Surely it had given Sadie hope that there was still something to fix between them, and now Zero didn’t know what to think anymore.

Kyle hummed in response around a mouthful of pancake.

“You talked with Sadie last night,” she observed, nonchalantly adding some maple syrup on her breakfast, as if she had been able to follow his train of thought.

If he didn’t know her so well, it could have sounded like she didn’t really care. What a mistake that would have been. “We were just talking.”

“I should have dragged you away,” she added grumpily. “What did she say?”

Zero pursed his lips a little, staring at his pancakes. He was trying to decipher if being honest was the best call or not when it came to his best friend, especially whenever Sadie was involved. “She said she was sorry,” he said vaguely. “That… er, that she felt lonely because I was always busy.”

“So that excuses cheating?” Kyle scoffed. “What is she, some bored housewife?”

“Maybe not, but it’s true that I didn’t see her a lot last summer,” Zero admitted, rubbing the back of his neck.

Between his job and those weeks of basketball summer camp, plus the moments he had to work out, those three months had been pretty busy, and looking back, maybe he should have tried more. But he was often annoyed by her sending him ten texts in a row, or whenever she’d be mad at him because he wasn’t answering fast enough, so sometimes it’s true he had delayed answering on purpose.

Kyle groaned and bitterly turned a pancake to shreds on her plate. “You know what’s wrong with this? You don’t give a damn about the girl on your arm as long as there’s someone. It could be literally anyone.”

He glared at her. “Bullshit.”

“Oh really?” Kyle drawled. “How long have you been single since you started dating?”

“That’s beside the point,” Zero countered. “Sadie and I, we get along well.”

“Sure, when she’s not cheating,” Kyle huffed.

Zero dropped his fork in his plate, fuming. “Hart, I fucking swear to God-”

“Okay, fine!” she exclaimed.

Zero glared at her nonetheless.

She didn’t know Sadie the way he knew her.

They had been flirting a bit around the Christmas of their junior year, a few weeks after he had ended things with Ginny Goodyear, about a month into their relationship. They had started texting every now and then during Winter Break, before running into each other while on a morning run later in January. She was hoping to score a scholarship as a varsity member of the Volleyball team, so they had naturally taken to the habit of working out together. Sure, she could be annoying, possessive, and sometimes, frankly, bitchy. Her parents constantly put her on a pedestal regardless of her behavior, and she wouldn’t give a damn that they were literally right next door before going down on him.

But she wasn’t just staring at him with stars in her goddamn eyes. They looked good together according to most (which meant everyone but Kyle), and they had fallen into some kind of comfortable routine together.

Yeah okay, she was also hot. It helped.

Kyle took a deep breath and put her fork down. “I’m worried for you, you big dummy. Cheating isn’t okay. You could have anyone you want, why would you settle for somebody who has hurt you on purpose?” Zero obstinately kept his eyes on the table. “Plus, you can say whatever you want about her, but I’ve never seen someone nearly as self-centered as she is.”

“Really?” Zero eventually asked, unimpressed. “And how would you know that, since you always passed on spending time with me whenever she was around?”

“I didn’t always pass on that,” Kyle retorted.

“That’s not what I asked.”

Kyle sighed and played with her cup of hot chocolate. “I know she never bothered to fight you on not bringing her to your place.”

“Neither did Ginny, or Britt, or any of the others,” Zero replied bluntly. “There’s no reason to pick a fight when I make it plain it’s off the table. That’s called being sensitive.”

Kyle huffed. “You deserve someone who cares enough to pick a fight.”

“And I think,” Zero snapped, “that I deserve someone who respects something called boundaries.”

Kyle grinned at him insolently. “Then I think we both agree on the fact that Sadie is out.”

Zero stared at her, then he rolled his eyes with a loud sigh.

Why was he even trying?

*

“Does that mean that Kinkade is officially off the market?”

Surprisingly enough, the question emanated from Terrence, as they were making their way down the hallway the following morning. Sunday had come and gone uneventfully for everyone, and the better part of Zero’s afternoon had been spent occasionally hitting the gas pedal of a Range Rover whenever his boss needed him to.

Kyle waved. “I think it was more like a game.” She then looked at Zero. “Not everyone loses their V-card during a 7MH session.”

“Bold of you to assume I was a virgin,” Zero fired back.

Okay, he was, but that was beside the point. And it didn’t change the fact that he lost his virginity much sooner than Roman or Wall. Yes, he was taking pride in those things. Like the day he had finally reached Terrence’s size, AND had outgrown Derek. That had been a thrill.

“Bold of you to assume he is a virgin,” Derek deadpanned. “He probably lost it with a model on a yacht or some crazy shit like that.”

“Dude, we’ve got to find you someone,” Kyle decreed all of a sudden.

“You got to do nothing at all,” Derek retorted sharply.

They headed out to their lockers but Zero had lost interest in the conversation the moment she decided that they couldn’t have Derek be single by the time Zero “breaks another heart” — like what, they had forgotten he was the one who had been cheated on? Zero froze briefly. Think of the devil. Sadie was hanging by her locker on the other side of the large double-doors, looking at him from over her friend’s shoulder. She was wearing an oversized sweatshirt, the hem falling down mid-thigh on her skinny-jeans.

“Are you kidding me right now?”

Zero startled and glanced at Kyle, who had followed his gaze.

“That one is yours,” she said matter-of-factly as she pointed right to Sadie, or rather her sweatshirt, without even a single care for discretion.

Zero huffed. “Nah it’s not.”

“Sure, she has the habit of wearing stuff that fits her so well that she’s got to roll the sleeves three times to have her hands free,” Derek said, unhelpful to the last degree.

Zero shoved his hands in his pockets and shook his head. “You guys are the fucking worst,” he grumbled, striding to get inside the building.

“She’s trying to get you back with a goddamn sweatshirt,” Kyle sneered, following him inside. “How can you just let her do that?”

“She’s got a point, dude,” Terrence intervened. “Just ask for your stuff back. It’s not like you two are on a break or something, you split up.”

Zero didn’t answer right away, which left enough time for Kyle to voice her disagreement through an incomprehensible mumble and the guys to eye him with disapproval. “I didn’t break-up with her... yet,” he admitted half-heartedly.

“Okay, Zero, bro, hear me out,” Terrence started, automatically falling back into the default big-bro mode that always made Zero roll his eyes. “She’s a cheater. Alright? She cheated. That’s it. Don’t get hung up on her.”

“Says the guy who had Kyle practically break-up with his ex for him,” Zero deadpanned. “I don’t need advice, okay? I just need for everyone to mind their own business,” he mumbled as he took the stairs to the left.

*

Zero stared at his phone, profoundly annoyed. It wasn’t in his nature to be late, at least not consciously. It wasn’t in his nature to be early either. Generally, his timing was always on point to never be the first one or the last one to show up. It was perfect.

So why, why was that starting to change?

He was waiting on his fucking own at the same table they had used for the past three years, a slice of pizza growing cold in front of him as his appetite seemed to be absent as well. Where the hell was everyone?

“Where’s everyone?” a voice echoed.

Zero’s head snapped up from his phone, only to find Kinkade staring at him with his food tray nonchalantly tucked between his hip and his arm.

“I should ask you, you’re the one sharing classes with them, not me,” Zero groaned.

Okay, he was still pissed about this. How do you explain that he was the only one who hadn’t been sharing more than one class with any of his friends since their sophomore year, and Kinkade suddenly shared a whole bunch of them?

Who was he supposed to fight for this?

Kinkade shrugged, setting his tray on the table. “Jelena’s with her coach. Guess the others are just held up.”

And with that he sat down, like it was no big deal. It’s only been a week and Mr. Kinkade was parading around like he had been there for fucking ever. Couldn’t he at least have the decency to look hesitant? Slightly confused? No, everything was perfectly fine for Mr. Fucking Perfect. God Zero wanted to smash something. Screw the shitty family history. Kinkade had more than enough good shit to compensate. You didn’t just look like a goddamn Disney Prince, with the bank account of one of those dummies featured in the Rich Kids of Beverly Hills, and just expect people to like you.

People couldn’t like him. That couldn’t be a thing.

And yet everyone around him seemed to. The betrayal.

Terrence and Derek liked his occasional comebacks. Jelena, the resident cold-hearted know-it-all, was sharing notes with him. Even Kyle was going on and on about how nice he was. And Raquel. Raquel. She literally didn’t even wait a week before throwing herself at him. Gross… and rude. So what, he missed one date and he was black-listed forever, but Mr. Kinkade just disappeared from the fucking surface of the Earth for ten years without so much as a call every now and then, and it was okay?

And now even Mr. Kinkade was ignoring him. Literally. He was scrolling on his phone like the outside world didn’t exist, especially not someone sitting opposite him, someone living and breathing. Zero stared at him blatantly for a moment, following his small gestures as he typed a text.

“So you’re an item or something?” Zero eventually asked, perhaps harshly but oh well, if Golden Boy couldn’t take it they weren’t made to live on the same goddamn planet.

Kinkade looked up from his phone, and honest to God he looked confused and slightly taken aback. That was a normal reaction, a human one. So he wasn’t an alien after all. “What?”

“Raquel,” Zero snapped back, rolling his eyes. “Lipstick, Xander’s? Ring any bells?”

Kinkade hummed in response and locked his phone before putting it back on the table, screen down. “Not that it’s any of your business, but no. We aren’t,” he said with a casual shrug, face perfectly collected all over again.

Zero scoffed. “It is my business because she’s a friend of mine.”

He didn’t really know where that came from though, at best Raquel was a friend of a friend, but to say that she was a friend of his was a little bit much. He shrugged to himself. Whatever.

“So that gives you the right to be nosey?” Kinkade deadpanned.

“I just like to know where everybody stands,” Zero retorted, folding his arms over his chest.

Kinkade glared daggers at him. “Oh, so that’s why you’ve been an ass to me since the beginning? Don’t worry, I’m not aiming to challenge your serial fucker title any time soon.”

“You’re the one who acted like an ass at the beginning!” Zero blurted, now honestly pissed.

Kinkade’s eyebrows shot up. “How so?” he scoffed. “I said, like, three words before you literally walked out, probably to go punch someone because, you know, apparently that’s a thing you do?” Zero opened his mouth and closed it, which took probably the exact three seconds that the asshole allowed him to use before he started speaking again, shaking his head: “If you wanna hate me, fine, I don’t care. Just don’t say it was because of me, because whatever I said that got you all pissy, I didn’t mean it that way.”

Zero stared at him, with a mix of anger and suspicion. He couldn’t quite decipher what he was supposed to say to that. Kinkade couldn’t be nice on top of everything else. He just couldn’t be. “Are you seriously apologizing right now?”

“You know what? Just take it however you want,” Kinkade huffed with another shake of his head.

Zero felt downright bad, which was new for him, actually. Not that he didn’t care about other people’s feelings in general, but people were just so prone to get offended over even the slightest comeback that he was too tired to give a damn the majority of the time. He glanced at his cold pizza, no hungrier than he was before Kinkade even showed up.

“I’m in the middle of a rough patch,” Zero mumbled, not looking up. “Usually somebody calls me out on my shit, so I guess that makes you, like, part of the group now…or something.”

There was a second of silence at the table, and Kinkade snorted. “I’m flattered, really.”

Zero rubbed the back of his neck. Awkward. It was as if he had forgotten how normal conversations with people were supposed to work. He didn’t talk to a lot of people outside of his friends, save for the usual ‘not interested’ that he kept uttering every now and then to desperate-looking freshman girls.

Seconds, then minutes, dragged on without either of them talking, and when Zero spotted Kyle’s blonde head and Derek’s slender outline towering next to her at the end of lunch line on the other side of the cafeteria, he felt a little bit relieved. The rest of the Gang flooded the table not long after that, each of them bickering over various disagreements which had caused them to be so late in the first place. He wasn’t forced to make eye-contact with Kinkade, given that he had slid a spot away to the right and wasn’t sitting right in front of him anymore. Honestly? It was better that way.

*

“I need your help,” Zero said, easily catching up with Jelena as soon as she exited her last class.

She looked up at him, slightly confused. “For what?” she asked, pursing her full lips. “If it’s about Sadie, I’m out.”

Zero sneered. Damn it, his life didn’t revolve around Sadie fucking Sinclair. But maybe he could use some help in that department too, though — not that it was anybody’s business. No, right now, he had a much, much bigger problem to solve, which he was reminded of when he had spotted his Coach talking with another teacher in the hallway. Robertson had hit him up for updates on the matter of his tutor three times already, and the last time Zero replied that he had found one and everything was under control.

Which, of course, was not.

And now he was screwed.

“It’s not about Sadie,” Zero retorted. “I need help with my grades. I’ve had Geyer on my back since Homecoming and if I don’t find a way to improve them, he could pull me out of the Team.”

Jelena’s pace faltered and the frown on her face deepened. “Why would he do that? If they take you out, the team loses. That’s it.”

That was the easy thing with Jelena. She was a smart cookie, but a smart cookie who didn’t like losing. For all he cared, her feelings for Terrence had seemed genuine since the beginning, but it didn’t mean she was pleased by the prospect of dating the Captain of a losing Basketball Team. Zero kind of counted on that to get her to help save his fucking ass.

“Well, duh, thank you, I didn’t know that,” Zero sarcastically replied. “C’mon, Jel, I need your help.”

“I can’t, I’ve got the squad already. That’s plenty of work as it is, I don’t have any free-time left,” Jelena shrugged, shattering Zero’s hopes of somehow managing to master feminine psychology any time soon. “Why don’t you just ask a tutor? They’re here for a reason, you know.”

He laughed dryly. “I can’t go there.”

“Oh, because you’ve got a reputation? You don’t have a choice, dumbnut.”

Zero glared at her. “I can’t go there because I already looked into it and the only one available these days is Goodyear. As in, Ginny’s brother.”

Jelena turned on the spot, looking at him with a beyond-annoyed expression. She heaved a long sigh, resting her hand on her skinny hip. “Let me tell you something, if you kept your dick in your pants every now and then, these things wouldn’t be happening to you.”

“Like you never broke up with a text,” he scoffed.

“First of all, no, I never have,” she said slowly. “Secondly, you should have probably avoided drooling over Sinclair for over two weeks before you ditched her.... with a text.”

Zero huffed. That wasn’t a good reason for Ginny’s brother to suddenly act like he could rip his fucking skin off. Was he the only one to see that it wasn’t a big deal? Was he the only one who understood that high school wasn’t a place where you were supposed to meet your stupid soulmate? Jeez, how childish could people be? If you couldn’t use the goddamn technology in your daily life, what was the point, seriously?

“Can we go back to the part where I really need your fucking help? Don’t force me to beg.”

“I told you, I can’t. What about Raquel?”

“We aren’t exactly… compatible,” he cringed.

Understatement of the year. The one time they had worked together on a project was during their junior year and he thought she was ready to stab him before the end of their work session, which had ended with Raquel throwing him out of the room to get the work done and Zero politely having a little discussion with her older sister Adriana (no, he hadn’t been hitting on her, he was just that charming with everyone).

“Kyle,” Jelena suddenly said, just as Kyle hovered next to them, “explain to your dummy friend over here that he can’t be picky over the choice of the people willing to help him.”

“What have you done this time?” Kyle deadpanned, tilting her head as she looked up at him.

“I didn’t do anything!” Zero protested. “I need help raising my grades to stay on the team, the only tutor available detests me for fucking his sister, and everybody else is apparently busy for the next three years or so. So no, I’m not being picky!”

Kyle and Jelena shared a look and Kyle simply huffed a long sigh, before turning back with an eye-roll. “Don’t worry it’s gonna be fine. I’ll try to think of someone,” she said, nudging him amicably before walking away, following Jelena close behind.

[remastered-feedback]

Alright, lets run down the problems here.

Many, like Butcher, say they’re in training. Others report disability. All are missing out on a hot labor market and crucial years on the job, ones traditionally filled with the promotions and raises that build the foundation for a career.

I don’t think it needs mentioning just how offensive lumping someone who’s on disability in with a group your article is centered around painting as making unwise career decisions. I’m pretty sure most of the people who are disabled would much rather be fully able-bodied and working.

Their absence from the working world has wider economic consequences. It marks a loss of human talent that dents potential growth. Young people who get a rocky start in the job market face a lasting pay penalty. And economists partly blame the decline in employed, marriageable men for the recent slide in nuptials and increase in out-of-wedlock births. Those trends foster economic insecurity among families, which could worsen outcomes for the next generation.

“How dare you not buy weddings you don’t want and houses you can’t afford!”

It’s difficult to pin down whether the demographic wants to remain on the sidelines or is kept there by a dearth of attractive options.

It’s the second one. As a member of the demographic in-question, I can tell you with 100% certainty that it’s the second one. I’d much rather be working, making money, saving up to move out. I spent all summer applying to entry-level jobs supposedly aimed at people with lower skill levels, as well as for jobs my degree should have me eminently qualified for. I’m not unemployed because I want to be, I’m unemployed because nothing is hiring that pays enough to have anything to save after taxes, bills, transit costs, student loans, etc.

Other social changes could be exacerbating the trend. Better video games might make leisure time more attractive, some economists hypothesize, and opioid use might make many less employable. Young adults increasingly live with their parents, and cohabitation might be providing a “different form of insurance,” said Erik Hurst, an economist at the University of Chicago.

“Clearly the problem isn’t a lack of competitive wages or work-life balance, it’s those damn videogames! That, and they’re all drug-addicted layabouts. Those are probably tied to the out-of-wedlock children we mentioned too...”

Replace “videogames” with “rock music” and you have literally the exact same argument that’s been made about every single generation for the past 70 years.

Young men have been reporting higher rates of school and training as a reason for their non-employment in a Labor Department survey, and a large share say that disability and illness are keeping them from work. Those factors explain much of the wider post-2007 participation gap between 25- to 34-year-olds and their older counterparts, according to an analysis by Evercore ISI economist Ernie Tedeschi.

“Those damn lazy millennials, ignoring this booming economy!��

“Actually, a lot of us are too sick to work, and a lot of those who are able to work are too busy getting more advanced training to get a job too. We spent 20-30 years watching our parents work themselves to death in jobs they hated, while they spent the entire time telling us that education and advanced training were the ticket to a better life than that.”

“Of course, it’s the videogames! That and the drugs...”

I can go on about this article for a while, but I have better things to do. Like, topically, applying for jobs. One last thing I want to touch on though is to give my personal experience about why I, a man between the ages of 25 and 34 who is ostensibly the target of this article, am currently unemployed and not partaking in that “hot labor market.”

I graduated college in 2015, and managed to get a job in my field a few months after graduation. I worked that job until mid-2017, when I quit to go back to school. The main reason I quit was because it became clear pretty quickly that there was no room for advancement in that company. Two annual reviews in, I was working the same entry-level part-time position that I started with, at the same entry-level hourly wage I started with. With the exception of Jewish holidays - which I think I made up for by coming in on Christmas and Easter - jury duty, two days I was bedridden, and that time there was literally an overturned truck blocking the highway, I never missed a day, and I never said no. They said jump, I said how high, did everything you were supposed to.

Both of my annual reviews were glowing, and yet in this job that, according to the article, was supposed to be full of raises and promotions, and doing work that, according to my manager, was top-notch, I repeatedly got passed over for both.

Annoyed that I was working borderline full-time hours - technically you’re not full-time unless you’re working 40+ hours a week, and I was routinely working 36-38 - without any of the benefits of full-time work, regularly getting at-most one day off a week, all just for an attaboy and a paycheck that barely covered commuting costs and student loans, I quit and went back to school.

I thought about getting a different job in the same field, but I decided school made more sense, because programming and network security, the two fields at the heart of Maryland Governor Larry Hogan’s jobs initiative, a jobs initiative he’s so proud of that it was one of the core pushes to his reelection campaign earlier this week, had much higher earnings potential than my old field.

To recap, I found a job, worked it for a year or two, did everything I was supposed to and then some according to my boss, yet got passed over for a raise or a promotion multiple times. Dissatisfied, and at the urging of my pro-business, pro-jobs governor, I left and went back to school to get certifications and complete coursework to change careers into the field he was aggressively pushing for more people in my state to change into. I did very well in my courses, got certified, and spent all summer applying to entry-level jobs in my new field. I got one call-back all summer, and it was for a company that wanted me to relocate to Northern Virginia for a job that paid less than $20,000 a year. Housing in northern VA is ridiculously expensive, with a median house value over $500k. To call that financial suicide would be an understatement, especially since my interviewer made it very clear that raises, promotions, or other advancements would not be happening for at least three years. Eventually, I got desperate enough to apply for jobs in my old field, and the only place that returned my call was the place I used to work. I’d prefer not to return there, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I’m considering it.

I’m not asking for pity. My ship will come in eventually, even if it’s less of a ship and more of a canoe, and even if I have to build the damn thing myself, board by board. All I’m asking is that instead of assuming that that millennials are out-of-work because we’re lazy drug-addicted gamers with unrealistic standards, consider that maybe we’re out-of-work because we’re getting next-to-no job offers, that the job offers we are getting pay so little that once you factor in the costs necessary to take them, they’re a net loss, and that when we do actually get a job, those raises and promotions you seem to think are so plentiful are nowhere to be found even after literal years of good, hard work.

Also, stop calling this a red-hot booming economy. Wages are stagnant and haven’t kept up with inflation in our lifetimes, housing has become prohibitively expensive in the majority of cities with jobs to offer, underemployment is at the highest it’s been in decades, and the vast majority of jobs that have been created since the recession are low-wage, part-time jobs with no potential for advancement or career prospects.

The only people this is a booming economy for are people who were already well off. For people trying to get started or who don’t have much money in the bank, the people that this article is criticizing for our lack of economic participation, this is a horrible economy where everything is expensive, home ownership is a pipe dream, nobody’s willing to hire anyone for more than minimum wage, and in the off chance you do land a job that’s not a dead end, they have no interest in giving you a raise or a promotion at any point.

[sleepymarmot]

Andromeda liveblog: day one

Spoilers!

Eos/Tempest:

The Vault is beautiful! Even though the moving bridges, just like the floating rocks on Habitat 7, are blatantly copy-pasted from Trespasser.

Drack said the fight was fun. Of course it was -- that was the first time I used Annihilation/Charge/Nova!

Military or science -- how is that even a question? :D

Even back in the trial, I instantly became fond of the Tempest crew, in a way different from the Normandy. Not bound by the blood they spilled together -- but a team of nerds and people taking care of those nerds, pretty much. Feels more like the Enterprise!

What helps is that there's already a net of relationships between everyone -- I was thinking about it when Drack was revealed to be Kesh's father and talked about their problems with Tann and their relationship with Vetra. The Nexus backstory really gives depth to this game.

I didn't expect this, but I actually do like Peebee! Since her first trailer appearance, I've been annoyed with her -- obligatory asari LI, shitty design with a sexualized outfit and eyebrows, manic pixie dream girl-ish image -- but her personality won me over. She's a bit similar to my Ryder, and they clicked instantly -- two young, energetic explorers. And she doesn't seem too quirky so far, just a very extroverted nerd. And she has something nice to say about everyone on the ship!

You know, I've been wishing for a romance with a nerdy but genuinely nice person (unlike a certain elf...) and looks like I have not one but two -- and female! -- options here! :D 

The first flirt option with Peebee is good, the second is not.

Ah yes, a readheaded religious wlw written by the same person as Leliana... Look, Leliana is special to me, but this is just annoying. Maybe because Leliana is special.

Another convo with Vetra: "Someone had to know" "Did your father?" "I'm not sure" LOOK THE CONFIRMATIONS JUST KEEP ROLLING IN

Oh, here comes the flirt option I've seen on Youtube! I feel a bit awkward hitting on both of them repeatedly... Will I, on my seventh Bioware game, finally encounter a jealousy conversation?

Peebee has attractive personality, but Vetra's fashion style is obviously superior.

*looks at Liam's handsome face, sighs and stops herself from hitting the heart because that'd be a bit too much*

Nexus/Hyperion:

I love that Tann is the only real politician around, and everybody won't stop complaining about him, even though he's completely benign :D

It's a great feeling that doing sidequests is completely justified this time. In this game, it's literally my job to fly around and ensure random strangers' wellbeing! Oh look, someone on Reddit made a post appreciating this too.

"Your father is my problem. He's everyone's problem. We're all paying for Alec Ryder's ego. He preyed on Jien Garson's trusting nature and bulldozed us to this godforsaken place" !!! More evidence!! (Random angry woman on the Hyperion)

This is a great way to introduce flashbacks! And to reveal information gradually.

SAM is basically the third Ryder child, huh.

The camera angle and lighting in SAM's room is one of the most flattering in the game.

I'm glad we're actually giving spotlight to the transhumanism theme, unlike with Shepard...

Or maybe SAM is Ellen's reincarnation somehow? It's clear Alec somehow intended to save her with it, but how? I'm genuinely enjoying this mystery. Alec sure has a lot of character and presence, especially for a character with so little actual screentime... You can see his shadow over the entire story.

There's some nice animation at Scott's bedside!

"Is dad okay?" Shit. Shit. Now that's a choice...

(I mean, what she's saying will turn out to be true, hopefully...)

I didn't lie about Habitat 7, though. That's not as important.

Holy crap, that was an emotional scene.

I like Garson's Super Ethical VI Interview.

Professor Gerik in the lab on Nexus has a letter about us being invasive species and preserving local biodiversity! That's nice. (But on the other hand, we'd endanger it just as much if the Scourge hadn't done it first.)

Female Salarians look like male Salarians and sound like female humans. I should just learn to live with the fact that there'll be no real Salarian voices in this galaxy... Ugh.

Ahh Drack is visiting Kesh!!

Have I mentioned how fond I am of our new council/advisors? Kandros is a bit bland, but the other three are great.

30 minutes after I said that SAM is like another sibling to Ryder, he got infected with a virus. Give this family a break!

Of course the hackers were wrong etc, but the things hacked!Avina says are still absolutely correct...

BTW I chose to unfreeze merchants first -- to get the bigger inventory. Ugh, the lack of inventory was one of my favourite things about ME2 and ME3...

I had to read a walkthrough for "Station Sabotage"...

I like the design of Zara's face.

The Nexus sidequests are all about intrigue and investigation! Just like the main one about Alec, and the characters' backstories related to the uprising. Nice. I feel like a detective. It really gives the game a unique feel.

The saboteur has a good face too. And another sympathetic voice re: the uprising.

Tempest

Cora the gardener!

Damn, that speech about acceptance sure sounds like she's not talking about biotics... Why is she straight, Bioware?

Poor Cora. I can only continue to admire her ability to not hold grudges -- something that impressed me about her when Ryder became the Pathfinder.

It's so cute that the crew members have a group chat, have I mentioned? Really makes the ship look alive.

Vetra, Peebee, Gil and Liam are chatting like old friends! And the fact that they're playing poker reminds me of the Enterprise even more.

Eos

A timed mission to save colonists... with driving... I was so nervous!

FUCK I can't figure out this Fiend fight

I died like four times already what the fuck

Why can't I charge?! What do you mean "wrong target"?!

Also autosave glitches me through the floor every goddamn time!

Died about 8 times, I'm going to replace Peebee with Drack and turn down the difficulty

Oh thank fuck, this time it worked.

*can't find the evidence in the cave* *fast travel back to the start three or four times, get stuck on rocks*

Oh, here it is. Yeah, I enjoy playing detective, but I'd like less bugs!

I died and the game got stuck on reload

Alright, some sidequests are in the level 3 radiation zone which I don't know how to clear, and I can't find the bodies of the dead colonists. It got boring anyway. Back to the ship!

Tempest

Gil sends me an e-mail mentioning Jaal, whom I haven't even met...

Kallo's still arguing with Gil -- I'm pretty sure there's something going on he's not noticing... Nobody else has anything new to say. Let's advance the plot, then.

New solar system/Tempest/Nexus

Whoa, I didn't expect things to get so intense immediately!

Sooo, are you going to explain how the angara got the translators working within several minutes?

Are you trying to tell me the kett and the angara aren't related, despite having exactly the same faces?

Jaal's cape flapping is mesmerizing.

I don't understand, why is everyone being so weird and unprofessional?? Instead of opening normal diplomatic talks, they stand in a circle and say shit about Jaal in his presence. Why the hell are they being so entitled? If the angara help us, of course we need to offer something in return.

Liam, what movie night?! We're kind of busy!

Well, at least Jaal isn't going to let me exhaust all conversation topics in one go! :D

"I LIVE IN AN ESCAPE POD" :D

Stop! Prompting! Me! To! Flirt! With! Gil! Two different times in the same conversation -- what??

Okay, by this point I'm pretty sure that the poker mentions are not just a coincidence but a deliberate reference to TNG. 

When will I have enough materials for an asari sword? Maybe a quick trip to the Nexus will help. *immediately gets buried under sidequests*

What, you don't have laws for attempted murder? That has never happened in the entire history of Milky Way? Bioware sure likes to create a complex situation then make you decide between two extremes. I let the turian stay, but I'm not impressed.

What, and they didn't even tell the public what really happened? Ugh.

Pacified the protesters successfully.

Was prepared to go and realized I forgot one sidequest on the Nexus, went back... I need to stop doing this! It's ruining all momentum.

Havarl (not sure about the spelling)

Main plot again, here we go!

Oops, clicked on the wrong button and now my team still has Vetra instead of Peebee.

Nice scenery.

Okay, it's stupid to leave the planet just to swap squadmates, but it's even stupider to explore this planet without Peebee.

Oh right, there is a spot here for a forward station. (Don't the angara mind?)

There's an entire alien jungle, and nothing is scannable? Really?

@myself stop fucking dying... how am I supposed to fight enemies I don't see without any reasonable cover...

Oh, right, this is normal water, not the Deadly Electric Water. That's a relief, at least.

Oh look, normal cover, I can use my ranged powers like an adept/sentinel I intended to be instead of novaguarding.

Spent like half an hour trying to find a way towards the forward station mark on the east, gave up. This Pathfinder isn't very good at finding paths...

Let's find the gay turian Pathfinder!

What am I going to do with all this nickel? These aren't the materials I'm looking for, Bioware

And finally, after exploring everything else -- the Monolith!

This happened again: the profiles refuse to switch mid-fight. WTF???

"Follow the Remnant river?" You mean, what I've done an hour before? I sure hope the Remnant didn't respawn...

So the Remnant are Order and the Scourge is Chaos? I see we've arrived to witness an existential struggle of cosmic forces...

Why are my companions so useless during exploration? They don't give advice, they don't even have banter like in DA.

Oh GREAT, a jumping puzzle, and in the dark too.

I must say, the design is really beautiful, they nailed the intersection of "Alien", "Ancient" and "Powerful" here. Though I'm salty because it's just a sci-fi variation of the ancient elven design from DAI, which means DA4 won't be able to use it probably.

Nice view! @people with powerful PCs, please photograph these things for the rest of us!

Novaguarding+shotgun (only a Katana!) is so powerful I don't feel the need to do anything else...

We're nearly at the top and there's a health pack. I better save...

The plot thickens!

Oh. Is THIS the forward station I've been looking for? No wonder I didn't find it lmao. They should have just covered it in fog...

Why are shields so much harder to take down than armor? Ugh, that boss. At least on the second try I managed to kite him...

Yes, I climbed the column. Whatever. I got some Vanadium! Finally, I need it for my asari sword.

Oh, okay, THIS is the forward station from above. OK.

One of the enemies I had to defeat in a camp got stuck somewhere and I had to run around for 10 minutes before I found him, except I didn't even see him and he apparently died when I approached, but idk how it happened.

I met the reincarnated dude. And that's enough for today.

[ciathyzareposts]

Star Control II: We’ll Have to Destroy Them Ship-to-Ship

The ship stood no chance.

            For me, Star Control II‘s combat system is the most difficult and disappointing element of the game, and yet I recognize that it isn’t “bad.” To the contrary, it was a genius idea to take the ship-to-ship combat of Star Control and embed it in in a world with a complex, developing story. I’m struggling to think of any other series that has done the same thing–that started with a game that was good at principally one thing, then made a sequel that preserved that element but within the context of a much more expansive experience.

I’m simply not any good at this kind of gameplay. I’m not really good at anything that requires quick reactions, which I suppose is why I’ve never played any competitive sports. (There was a time I could have buried 99% of you at pool, but I wouldn’t consider that a “sport.”) Back in the early 2000s, it became fashionable among the young men in my office to play a couple of hours of Team Fortress or Counterstrike after work (to be honest, there were times we were flexible about the “after” part). I really enjoyed those sessions, but I was always last in the standings. 

I certainly don’t mind a little action in RPG combat, mostly because in a true RPG, you can compensate for a player’s weakness with character buffs, healing, and so forth. In fact, in an open world RPG (where combat and exploration are integrated), combat often becomes extremely strategic despite its action-oriented nature. You just have to carefully choose your approach and terrain, and use options like traps, stealth, explosives, summoning, leading two hostile enemies into each other, and so forth. 

            Is there a gameplay method by which a player could literally destroy all those ships instead of doing things the diplomatic way?

           But there are no such options in Star Control II. When combat begins, your two ships appear on a field of stars, and there’s nothing but you and your reactions. Thus, I end up reloading a lot. Things are worse whenever combat begins near a planet. The planet’s gravity well exerts an influence on the ships, but not in any way that seems to me consistent or predictable, particularly when your ship changes screens. The planet itself isn’t always visible, but when it does appear, you have to struggle not to bonk into it, and trying to fly directly away from it almost never works. You’re trying to figure all this out, of course, while the enemy is shooting at you.

The only tactic you get is the choice of ship, which makes a huge difference in the difficulty of combat, particularly for someone like me. Your choice of ship depends heavily on the enemy, of course, which requires taking careful notes about each enemy and what it can do. If you’re facing off against an enemy with weapons of limited range, you want to choose a ship with long-range options. If the enemy is slow and cumbersome, you want something lithe and maneuverable. If the enemy’s ship has only a few hit points, maybe it’s best to choose a ship with a lot of hit points (like your flagship) and be willing to absorb a little damage while you wait for a one-shot opportunity.

Once selected, your choice of ship is difficult to change. You can hit ESC to warp out of combat, but it takes a few seconds, and the enemy can often destroy you in those few seconds. Of course, if your ship is destroyed, you get an option to choose a different one, but then you’ve lost the crew and have to re-build the ship back at the starbase.

During this session, I found myself facing a regular Ur-Quan dreadnought. The ship has devastating cannons, but with a relatively short range. Its secondary attack is to launch mini-fighters that bombard you like gnats, but they’re relatively easy to out-run. Since I had saved the game just before the encounter, I took some time to grade the performance if each of my ships against the dreadnought. (Instead of saving and reloading, there’s also a separate program that lets you practice combats; I used this a little but found the bouts annoying to set up.) These were the results:

1. The Earth Cruiser. It was promising at first. The ship’s main attack is a homing missile that, if shot from far away and on a reasonably straight path towards the target, almost always hits. I’d had a lot of success with it against the VUX, which have limited-range attacks. But the ship is slow and hard to maneuver, and it’s a nightmare to pilot when the gravity well of a planet is nearby to muck things up. Its secondary attack, point defense lasers, rely on proximity to the target, which is a bad idea with the Ur-Quan. C.

          The cruiser scores a hit, but it lacks enough maneuverability to get out of the way of the incoming Ur-Quan shot.

          2. The Orz Nemesis. This is a relatively fast ship with a mid-range cannon. It became much more useful once Wonko instructed me how to rotate the cannon so you can fire it from the rear. Since the Nemesis cannon has a greater range than the Ur-Quan cannons, I could turn my tail to the dreadnought and keep him just in range of my own weapons, although actually hitting him required a precision in aiming that I was rarely able to achieve. The best part about the Orz Nemesis is the secondary attack, which fires a pod containing a “space marine” who latches onto the enemy ship, boards, and kills as many crew members as possible before getting killed himself. (Basically, it’s a missile that costs you one crew member and does a variable amount of damage.) The Ur-Quan fighters nibbled away at my hit points, but I was able to prevail 2 times out of 3. B.

              The Nemesis stays out of range while firing its cannon to the rear.

          3 The Pkunk Fury. This was a horrible choice for the dreadnought. Although the main weapon shoots out of three sides (which helps someone like me), it has an extremely limited range, so you have to bring it close to the enemy, and “close” is a bad idea with an enemy like this. When the batteries run dry, you have to mash the secondary attack option to re-charge them (the option for some reason casts audible insults at the enemy). The only benefit is that when it’s destroyed, it is sometimes resurrected. D.

4. The Zot-Fot-Pik Stinger. Not only was it useless against the dreadnought, I can’t imagine the ship ever being useful for anything. Its only benefit is speed and maneuverability, but its weapon is weak and its range is laughably short. The secondary attack just seems to fire a laser beam so small that you’d have to be within boarding range of the enemy for it to hit. F.

5. The Ariloulaleelay Skiff. Flying this one is weird. It has no inertia, so you have to hold down the thrust button constantly. It’s very maneuverable, and its main weapon is an auto laser that aims itself, which is nice, but it dies in one hit from the dreadnought and probably any other ship. C.

6. The Spathi Eluder. As others have pointed out, sometimes this ship almost makes it too easy. The ship’s secondary attack, BUTT missiles, have a decent range and do a great job homing in on the enemy. You can even arc them around other obstacles. The ship is fast and agile, and it’s easy enough to stay just outside the Ur-Quan’s range while you fire off bursts of missiles. A.

          The Spathi does its best to “elude” the enemy while firing its rear missiles.

           7. The Flagship. There are no universals because its strengths and weaknesses depend heavily on what you buy. The ship’s primary advantage is that at a full crew complement, it can really take a beating. I have trouble aiming the cannons, but as long as I’m willing to temporarily forget that my hit points are really people, I can usually wait around long enough to fire at just the right moment. Against the Ur-Quan specifically, it wasn’t a great option because the dreadnought also has a lot of hit points, and the main weakness of the flagship is that if it’s destroyed, the game is over. B.

             Going nose-to-nose was a bad idea.

         By the end of this trial, I was feeling pretty good about my developing skills and knowledge base, but later I was reminded that you have to essentially repeat this process with every ship you encounter. The next “new” enemy I fought was the Mycon podship, and the thing absolutely devastated me. Most of my strategies revolve around not having to be very quick, but you can’t go that route with the Mycon because they’re capable of generating new crew members (growing them from spores, I guess) in the middle of combat. Their homing missiles are tough to dodge. I was unable to reliably defeat them with any ship and eventually had to flee combat.

As this session began, I had just dealt with the Slylandro probes once and for all. (I met a few more before they disappeared entirely, but I had destruction codes to transmit.) I was on my way back to the Ariloulaleelay in “quasi-space” hoping that they’d give me a “portal spawner,” which would let me enter quasi-space from anywhere in hyperspace instead of just the one weak point. I hoped this would make travel faster and less costly in terms of fuel. In fact, I was counting on it, because I didn’t have nearly enough fuel to get back to Earth as it was.

Well, I was in luck. The Ariloulaleelay gave me the spawner.

            This is true, but it uses nothing while in quasi-space itself.

           It took me a while to figure out how quasi-space works. You always enter at coordinates 500,500. Exit points surround you. The exit points seem to have no correlation with the positions at which they dump you in hyperspace. I spent a lot of wasted time trying to figure out a formula, but it seems instead that you have to simply try each quasi-space exit and record where you land. I ultimately did that, but because entering quasi-space takes 10 fuel units, and I was down to 32, I had to reload a bit.

Eventually, I found that the quasi-space exit at 492,492 took me to hyperspace/true space coordinates 191,93, which are pretty close to Earth. I stopped at Alpha Centauri on the way and met with the Melnorme, selling some accumulated bio-scans for technology that helps defend my lander against the life forms it encounters. I had just enough credits left for a little information, and they told me that the Pkunk are an offshoot of the Yehat. This ended up being somewhat timely.

             A starmap of quasi-space. All the exits are clustered together in the center.

         Back at the starbase, Commander Hayes told me that the Ariloulaleelay had joined us and given some of their ships and ship schematics. My fleet of attached ships was now full with the addition of two Ariloulaleelay Skiffs. He also related that there had been a hyperspace disturbance near the edge of Pkunk space, as if hundreds of ships had entered hyperspace at once.

Some of my commenters have mentioned checking the starmap repeatedly. As you meet new species, circles appear on the map showing the species’ relative territories. What I didn’t realize until this session is that those circles can move. In this case, they showed the Punk territory swiftly moving “eastward,” towards the VUX and Yehat, though for some reason the Yehat weren’t marked on my map.

         The status around the beginning of this session.

            I flew down to see what they were up to. It didn’t take me long to find a Pkunk vessel in the Ptoloemae constellation. They had decided “our Yehat siblings are in need of our love and good counsel” and that they intended to sail to Yehat space and “greet our Yehat brethren with warm hugs of affection.” I knew how that would go, but they wouldn’t listen to me until I told them that I’d consulted a Ouija board and it spoke poorly about the timing of this voyage. The alarmed Pkunk agreed to return home and read the signs once again.

            This part was a bit alarming.

          After this, it was time to return to my “to do” list. The next item was to visit the Spathi homeworld, for which I had exact coordinates. Giving the password supplied by my Spathi ally, Fwiffo, it wasn’t long before I was talking with the High Council. I asked them to ally with me, but they quite frankly admitted that they were “too afraid of the Ur-Quan to consider such an alliance.” When I pressed them by boasting about my own strength, they said they’d join if I would rid their home planet of the “Evil Ones.”

             The aliens in this game are often goofy, but you can’t deny that they have a certain consistency of characterization.

           A little backstory followed: the Spathi used to be somewhat dormant, lazy mollusks living on the planet Spathiwa. But eventually a race of carnivores evolved on the same planet, and they apparently liked eating mollusks. The Spathi “fled across oceans, from continent to continent, but the Evil Ones always followed.” Eventually, they fled off-planet, to their own moon, and abandoned Spathiwa to the carnivores. They wanted me to visit the planet and get rid of them.

              Zapping the “Evil Ones.”

            Despite the absurdity of scooping up an entire race in my lander, it wasn’t hard. The “Evil Ones” turned out to be lemur-looking things that didn’t even move. I collected them all and returned to the High Council, which expressed gratitude and said they’d begin moving back to the planet immediately–but then almost immediately reneged on joining the Alliance. I had to threaten to release the Evil Ones from stasis to compel them to keep up their end of the bargain.

            The Spathi concede to my Alliance.

          During the conversation, they mentioned that they’d taken a HyperWave Caster from the Umgah–presumably the same one that the Umgah had been using to impersonate the Ilwrath gods and convince the Ilwrath to attack the Pkunk. I had made a bungled visit to Umgah space hoping to secure this device. But I got no dialogue or other options that would have allowed me to obtain the Caster from my new allies.

Dialogue with the Spathi also revealed the existence of yet another species, the Thraddash, “a weak and obnoxious race from the Draconis group of stars.” I had a note to visit Draconis to see about an un-aligned species, so that was useful intelligence.

My next stop was Vela I, the Precursor world where I’d grown up, which I visited thanks to the completely innocent suggestion by commenter Villa that my folks might be wondering what happened to me. When I arrived, I was dismayed to find a red shield around the planet, plus an Ur-Quan dreadnought guarding it in orbit. A brief dialogue conveyed what I already suspected: the Ur-Quan had found the Earth colony and forced them to accept the same fate as their relatives on Earth itself. A combat ensued, which I recorded at the beginning of this entry.

            I audibly gasped when I saw the planet, which is a tribute to how well the game set up the red shields as a plot device.

            My last stop was at Beta Copernicus, the old Syreen homeworld, where I hoped to find some evidence of what had destroyed the planet. I found it quite quickly: the remains of a huge egg shell. I’m 99% sure the Mycons destroyed the planet by sending some kind of spore to penetrate it and crack it open–the planet is actually called a “shattered world,” and I later encountered several more of them in Mycon space. 

           My crew discovers evidence.

          I met the Mycons themselves somewhere in the Brahe system. They’re an arrogant species, convinced of the superiority of their type of lifeform over non-fungal life. When I asked about the shattered worlds, they told me about their “deep children” who “build” new homes for Mycons, apparently by destroying existing ones, so I was right. Anyway, every dialogue with the Mycons ended in combat, and I was unable to defeat their extremely fast, maneuverable, regenerating ships. I gave up and fled.

            And the Mycon incriminates himself. Case closed!

           I assumed when I returned to the Syreen commander, news of the destruction of her world might motivate them to break their treaty with the Ur-Quan, but she had no new dialogue options. I thus reloaded and headed for Draconis, which has 14 freaking stars! The second one I explored, Epsilon Draconis, finally gave me one of the mysterious “Rainbow Worlds.” It had some minerals and life forms but wasn’t otherwise special. I assume the Melnorme will give me credits for it.

          Captain Chester finally makes the “Rainbow Connection.”

              I ran low on fuel before I found any Thraddash, but I returned to Earth with my storage pods bursting with minerals and life. Commander Hayes told me that the Spathi had arrived as promised, and had given us plans for their Eluder starship, so I can make more.

At this point, my flagship is “full,” in that all the module bays are used. I have:

             4 storage bays

4 fuel tanks

2 crew pods

1 point defense system

3 dynamo units

1 ion bolt gun

1 fusion blaster

              I’m happy to take opinions on a more optimal configuration. My plan is to next try to solve the VUX Admiral Zex’s quest to find a special life form in the Lyncis constellation.

Time so far: 27 hours

source http://reposts.ciathyza.com/star-control-ii-well-have-to-destroy-them-ship-to-ship/

[fmlfpl]

Lineup Lamentations - GW1

Our Transfers, Captains, Benches, and Starting 11s for the week.

WOW HOLY SHIT GW1 IS HERE!!!!!! OK let’s do it. Let’s just ship these lambs out there -- sorta feels like sending your child out to university... Here are our GW1 full squads:

WALSH

TRANSFERS:

OUT: N/A

IN: N/A

GK:

Alisson an actual Friday morning tinker in. My wife, my lovely wife, looked over at my computer screen and pointed to Ederson saying "I don't like this one.” Last time she did this was during fantasy world cup when she pointed to a one Robert Lewandowski. Naturally I ignored her, with a grin, thinking heh you're fucking dumb you don't even know the rules of football. Little did I know the joke was on me. Well, universe, I have rectified this situation. Alisson is in, will make more saves than Ederson anyway, and, freeing up a City spot for a potential attacker is a little bit cool. Idk.

DEF:

Am on the double pool with Robbo and aforementioned Alisson. Robbo doesn't need much explaining.

Mendy is in, another who hasn't left in a while.

Fat ass fuck Luke Shaw is in my team. I don't want to say much about it. Little bit of diversification and looking at my team I have 0 short term punts so seems I can afford one. It is cool to have the best left back in Europe according to his manager in my team anyway I think? Having a United defender is deece, but fucking hell Luke Shaw. Dunno how I got here. God help me.

MID:

Mo is in, obv.

Eriksen I have stood by through thick and thin. Looking forward to enjoying his steady stream of points.

Ozil I have also somehow managed to keep in through all the tinkering. In the end, he makes me happy. One of my favorite players in the world I just can't get enough of the mantis king. Very nervous about the opening two fixtures for him, but after that, should be smooth sailing. Really hope he just gets 1 assist in first 2 just to keep me calm. We'll see. Overall I just feel like he's going to have a quality season like old times, get assists, get baps, not get illnesses. One time. 

Fourth guy is Jota. Had to have the soup of the day. Helder felt okay and I had him in for a while but in the end the downgrades in defense felt palatable in order to get me into the Jota / 6.5m midfield bracket. Expecting big things for the young lad Diogo this year.

FWD:

Kun is in. Love love love him.

Arnie is in. Love love love him.

Couple great guys just ready to get fantasy points. Really not a ton to say about the lads. Arnie despite bad fixtures I still expect to be in there with some goals hitting on the counter. Feels fine. Kun is Kun.

I have Aboobs Kamara in as third forward. The farthest thing from possible nailedness but could get a couple starts early doors...which is when I need him with bad couple Palace fixtures. He's been good in preseason so let's see if that can translate.

Very annoying with an attacker going against almost literally every one of my four clean sheet possibilities, but, sometimes that's how they line up. Low ceiling for GW1 here...but marathon not a sprint....right? Fack.

CAP:

Mo. Never in doubt.

BENCH:

Stek... Stek is whatever. Ownership is almost 5%..a bit high..but at least he's actually second choice on a somewhat good team which is more than can be said for the other 4.0 GKs.

4.5m midfield is actually a sinkhole of fuck this year. I spent more time than I usually do figuring out which to go for and the wheel has spun and landed on sir Phillip of house Billing. Very nervous about taking up a precious Huddersfield TOWN spot..lol..but he chipped in a couple assists in preseason and appears to have a spot until / unless he loses it. Not as if they have a stacked squad with much comp anywhere, so we'll see. He showed some flashes last season of some quality, so he's in. Really due to lack of another better option.

Last two guys for my bench this week are Sakho and Wannybiz. Dropped my love Patty van Aanholt down to Mom for money, but Mama will be solid. Bap machine should be a solid option for the first couple months as long as he doesn't die. Hopefully Wan keeps his spot and gets a couple price rises in the early going. Will probably not start him much but could see a couple games where I opt to throw 2x Palace defenders out there.

ALON

TRANSFERS:

OUT: N/A

IN: N/A

GK:

David de Gea.

I had him in last season from I thiiiink GW6 onwards and it was just the absolute best thing ever. Loads of cleans, loads of save points, and even some bonus points... Having a nailed top GK on the nailed biggest bus in the league driven by the world’s biggest bus merchant in the league seems good... Though I gotta admit paying 6m for GK feels a little disgusting...

United on the outside look kinda like a fucked up disaster mess but I’ll believe it when I see it. They’re still the second most expensive squad in the league by a large margin managed by Jose Mourinho. I think they’ll be fine...

On top of that I know that I probably will not want any United mids or fwds in my team looking ahead versus the opposite feeling for Liverpool / City mids and fwds which makes slotting DDG in ahead of Alisson / Ederson feel a little bit smarter there too.

DEF:

I’m a leftback fanatic. Completely love’em. Here we are then:

Mendy is in for me after being fit and positive in the community shield. There’s relatively no competition whatsoever for his starting place which feels amazing and even if there was Walker started basically every match when he was fit, doesn’t seem like Pep rotates fullbacks like Poch does... Love City for a ton of cleans again this season and if Mendy can replicate the form of his three starts last season then we can expect a lot of attacking intent to go alongside those cleans. Love it.

Robbo won the hearts over all Liverpool supporters (like me) last season by just being a complete psycho animal workrate beast while putting in great deliveries and defending well also. Best LB in the prem last season and I don’t think anybody in their right mind would dispute that... Liverpool defense was fantastic once VVD settled in and should be even better with a world class keeper in there too now. Robbo both put up terrific attacking stats and passing the eye-test with his crosses, overlaps, and scampers into the box. Been in my squad since day 1 and has not moved an inch.

Bavies was a late arrival as I shifted away from Bailly and then Smalling and then VVD to eventually land at Ben Davies... With Rose out rumors still flying and Poch’s complete and utter distaste for Danny I feel like Bavies is moving quite nicely towards locking down the spot as his own. As is, he didn’t play in the World Cup and was the guy last season... Spurs are kind of messy and have a lot of away fixtures but I feel like away Newc, away Man. United, away Watford are all pretty decent clean fixtures sprinkled in with home Fulham... When Bavies was regularly starting last season few defenders had more attacking intent. Sorta puntish but let’s get some huge double digit hauls Benny.

MID:

This week I’m rolling out 5 mids because I don’t really like the Palace fixture (Wan on my bench) for a cleansheet.

Salah has not moved since the first day of FPL opening. Easy pick there.

Ozil I waffled in and out of the side playing with Aubz, Mkhi, Laca, Rambo, etc etc because my love of Arsenal attack is very real... In the end Mkhi/Laca make each other not nailed, Rambo is still kinda knocked as usual but I have an eye on him, and Aubz I couldn’t lock down a team I felt good about with all three of Salah, Aubz, and Kun and Mo and Kun were nailed into my side. So here we are Ozil the god.. Hopefully Emery puts him in a good position to succeed and he can have a huge bounce-back year with a chip on his shoulder to waggle his cock in the faces of those racist German fucks.

Jota is almost beyond soup because we’re both so high on him and a ton of people have him in... It feels to me like we’re getting a really seriously good player here in Jota who is essentially OOP forward. He may not start centrally regularly - surely sometimes he will - but he’s also not a “wide winger” he’s very much a left sided forward or wide forward/striker so it’s still sort of out of position. Wolves should be pretty good and pretty fun and Jota is the main fucking man. At worst there are tons of dudes at 6.5 slot to pivot to.

Lucas Moura found his way into my team as I came off of the teet of Mkhi and Bernardo Silva I found the Brazilian butt of Lucas quite comforting... He’s just a good punt to take. He’s always had good attacking numbers, good underlying numbers, and Spurs are obviously a top 6 team... With Son off to the Asian Games after GW1 Lucas should have this spot nailed down for at least a month or so and with pretty good attacking fixtures I like the punt here a lot. It’s definitely a punt but there are a lot of guys to pivot to when the time comes and he’s a good player on a good team who is nailed. Ticks a lot of boxes.

Lastly gonna roll out Cairney this week. If I think it’s a bad fixture for a Palace clean then surely I feel better about starting Cairney then Wan-B this week... Cairney is a good guy, we expect him on pens, and Fulham -- while they have their problems defensively -- should be a pretty good team going forward. Better then a lot of people expect I think... Fulham also reinforced the midfield with two really good CDMs to play behind Cairney to let him just push forward and pull the strings which to me is really positive. 5.0 for what I expect to be a nailed #10 on a middleish quality attacking team... who knows Cairney may just be a starter for me for a lot of the season... Or he might be awful and Fulham might suck and then he’ll be on my bench :).

FWD:

Kun has not moved for ages. Unfortunately he braced in the community shield and his ownership went up like 20%... but still yeah. He’s great. Best City attacker to own by a lot for me.

And I settled on Arnie too. I went off Chaz, I flirted with Tosun and even King, but in the end I’m going Arnie. The stats are so good. And I love Pellegrini and some of the transfers of West Ham and mostly I love the new Arnie we saw last season. From the moment he was playing striker on, a new Arnie was born who even when he blanked looked an incredible, unstoppable force. Some bad fixtures and some good fixtures I reckon Arnie is a set and forget at this time. Go on Arnie.

CAP:

Duh.

BENCH:

4.0 keeper I spent almost no time thinking about I just went with Hamer because I don’t know Huddy only have two guys listed and Lossl isn’t that good and whatever....

Kamara is the obvious 4.5 forward. I don’t think he’ll start many if any games especially with Fulham also bringing in Vietto but Kamara came off of the bench 22 times last season for Fulham which is nice to see... So even when he does not start he seems to be the attacker of choice to be brought on to change a game / get a return. About as good as you can hope for for a 4.5 forward.

Wan-Bissaka excellent pick, should be starting 4.0 defender on a solid side.

And sleeper last guy on my bench this week Trent Alexander-fucking-Arnold the legend god... I got to a point in my team where I could afford to cover Trent with both Cairney/Wan-B for a week or two whatever he needs and then after that once he gets in -- and I expect Trent to start the majority of matches -- he’s a ludicrously good value pick at 5.0, arguably best value pick in the entire game. Let’s not forget when he’s on the pitch he’s not just a marauding RB on a top team who will keep lots of cleans but he’s also on a lot of corners, indirect FKs, AND direct FKs... Just great. And a local lad too. <33333 Trent.

GO ON BOYS!!!!