#i keep overthinking so im gonna put my phone down now lol

[lostapuzzlepiece]

it seems like every time i find a good esmp fic on ao3, i read the lil note at the end and its by @yb-cringe . like ??? dude how do u put out so many good fics omg???

[malecftw]

Distractions

A/n: so this was an idea I’d been playing with for a while. It’d been sitting in my drafts for like a month and rn I was just feeling best friends to lovers, a slow cute fic sooooo that’s what came out lol tadaaa. I’ve never really written for David or the Vlog Squad before but let me know if you liked this, maybe I’ll write more in the future. Hope you like it :)

Word count: 1814

Warnings: Idk if Jeff being rejected counts as a warning but here we are, I mentioned the word vagina and idk why but in the context it seemed weird but also okay so yh lmfao y am i acting like im 12

Masterlist.

The LA air was soft and warm, making a strand of hair fall out of your loose bun and tickle your cheek. LA seemed quiet at this time of day, the sun was beginning to set, golden hour was upon you. Lana Del Rey was playing on the background, her deep, soft voice flowing out into the crisp summer air through the open windows. The smell of food made it’s way into your nose, your stomach beginning to rumble at the thought of dinner. Heath, Scott, and Jeff were having a beer at the barbecue whilst Jason was grilling the various types of meat. Kristen, Mariah, Carly, Erin, and Corinna were setting out white plastic chairs in a circle on the grass. Rosé was being spilled, laughs were had and a carefree feeling overtook you.

You still couldn’t believe this was your life. You were living in one of the most famous, loved places on earth surrounded by good friends who were always looking out for you.  Your daydream was cut short when you got nudged in the side. Your head turned around to see Zane standing next to you, leaning on the glass just like you were. “What’s up?” “Not much.” He nodded and directed his eyes to the skyline of LA. “So when are you going to tell him?” He asked, not taking his eyes off of the beautiful view before you. “Probably never.” Your nails clicked slightly against your plastic cup, preferring a soft drink before having a glass of wine with dinner. “Why are you so hesitant. You’re perfect for each other.” You shrugged, being uncharacteristically comfortable with the topic around Zane. “I don’t know. I’ve been flirting with Jeff. I’m just going to look like a slut if I fess up now.” He clicked his tongue at your answer. “Please y/n. You were never in a committed relationship with Jeff. Hell, you never even kissed. He’ll get over it. And we know you, none of us would ever put your name and the word slut in the same sentence.”

A sigh escaped your mouth yet you didn’t have a chance to reply when Heath called out to Zane. He quickly squeezed your arm in comfort before heading over to the boys near the barbecue. You pushed yourself off of the glass and made your way inside. Enough with the overthinking, it was time to make yourself useful. “Nat, can I help?” Natalie looked up at you, pausing mixing the dressing and the salad for a second. “Sure y/n. Could you bring this over to the yard, just put it on the table.” She said with a smile and pushed the salad bowl into your hands. You just nodded and did what she asked. The notification sound of your phone distracted you as you set the bowl on the table and while you quickly replied you felt an arm being swung over your shoulder. “What’s up y/n? Why so quiet?” Jeff said, a silly smile on his face as his eyes screened over your expression. “Not now Jeff.” You shrugged off his arm and started walking away when he grabbed your arm, concerned for your obvious distress. “Hey what’s wrong?”

“Is everything okay here guys?” David walked up, noticing your tense figure and Jeff’s already apologetic one. He didn’t even know what was wrong but was already stressed thinking he was the cause. You looked back and forth between the two guys. Life was playing another trick on you and frankly, you were sick of it. Why couldn’t you just go for the obvious choice? You had a beautiful man right in front of you willing to take things to the next level but no. Instead, you had to fall for the one dude that wouldn’t notice an eager vagina if it slapped him across the face. 

As you were having this inner dialogue with yourself the two guys still looked at you, confused by your off behavior. “Nothing is okay David, just leave me alone.” You headed for the living room and David took your words like a man. “What the fuck did I do?” He shouted as he ran after you. “Nothing. That’s the problem.”

“Wait what? Y/n what the fuck?” Of course, he didn’t get it. You hadn’t made a move since you were too busy distracting yourself with Jeff. “I just... Just... Just drop it okay. It’s about me, myself and I don’t worry about it.” “Sure doesn’t sound like it.” You rolled your eyes but were secretly grateful for everyone staying outside to give you some privacy. You even notice Nat sneak out of the kitchen, feeling the uncomfortable switch in the room when you walked in.

“Y/n. Just talk to me. Remember that time when you accidentally spilled glue in my hair and we had to shave my head? Didn’t snitch on you then. I looked like a bald man child. I still didn’t snitch. And let me tell you, it wasn’t a look.” David said in a cute attempt to make you feel better. “Of course you didn’t snitch. It was your own fault. Who the hell decided to smack my hands with their head while I was holding an opened bottle of kids glue.” “I’m sorry I forgot to turn on my spidey sense, else I would’ve known you were standing right behind me before I stood up.” “It’s not my fault you were shorter than me.” David placed his hands over his heart, jokingly looking offended. “Ouch.” He teasingly took a couple of steps closer to you causing him to tower over you. “Not anymore though. Now you’re tiny.” You look up at him, arms crossed, confused and annoyed by your feelings for the big man child in front of you. “Now, tiny, are you actually gonna tell me what’s up or am I going to have to keep you hostage until you do?

A pressed sigh leaves your lips. Now or never. His expression turns more serious when he sees your big eyes gloss over. “Hey whatever it is, we can work it out. You and me.” “I’m not so sure about that.” “Well I am.” “I just don’t want to mess things up between us. You’re my best friend.” David immediately knew where this was going and a wide smile formed on his lips. “And?” He said teasingly, eager for the moment in which you’d fess up the same thing he’d been feeling for a while now. “Ugh David you’re a pain.” You say as you softly poke his stomach with your index fingers. “But am I going to be your pain?” His voice has turned hoarse, excited yet on edge. He never dreamed of going there with you. He never had those feelings for you. Until one day, he started seeing you in a different light. He couldn’t pinpoint one moment, it just slowly happened. At first he’d thought it was a silly random idea his mind for some reason made up, but he couldn’t help but think about it from time to time. Then he started getting used to the idea of you two together. It grew on him. Suddenly it didn’t seem weird, it didn’t seem awkward. It just seemed right. But then you’d started flirting with Jeff and David knew he had no chance.

Until now.

You swallowed loudly, your hands pausing, staying put on his sides. “If you want to be.” He nodded slightly, it was the only answer he needed before leaning in. He paused, needing your permission. He needed to know this was it. That this was something you both chose. You slightly pressed your fingers into the clothed skin of his sides, allowing him to connect your lips. It’s wasn’t earth-shattering, it wasn’t filled with sparks and fireworks. It was sweet, soft and gentle. It was what you both wanted. Needed. It wasn’t filled with sexual desire or incredible passion. It was the confirmation you’d both been waiting for. You’d found your person. Ironically enough, he’d been there all along. Love was a big word, you’d known you loved David for as long as you could remember. But back then, you loved him as your best friend.

You both pulled away smiling like idiots. You could see the love and happiness on his face, but he also looked pensive. “So what about Jeff?” You nodded. Of course, it looked really bad. “I like Jeff. I thought I could learn to love him. I needed to learn to love him. I was still waiting for the click in my brain, but it never happened which is why I never took it to the next level. It wouldn’t have been fair to him. He deserves better than a girl whose heart isn’t really in it.”

David’s eyes moved from you to something behind you so you turned around. Of course, like in any other predictable movie or show, Jeff was stood right there, leaning against the window frame. Your mouth fell open, You wouldn’t blame him if he was angry even if he didn’t seem that way right now. “Don’t worry about it y/n. It’s okay.” His thick New York accent filled the room. In a few big steps, he was stood right in front of you, looking to David quickly before grinning. His arms wrapped around your neck and kept you in a playful headlock, messing up your hair as he laughed. “You respected me enough to not go there with me. I appreciate that. At least now I still get to tease you and prank you. David’s lost those privileges.” Relief washed over you. This was the most drama-free ending to this situation you never thought you’d get. 

David put his hands in the air, looking happy and relieved as well that things went as smooth as they did cause let’s face it,... They rarely do. “Hey, as long as I get to film it that’s cool.” He said laughing and you smacked his chest. Jeff let go of you and shot you and David a smile before joining the others in the backyard. David sighed as he took you in his arms, looking down at you before bringing both of your attention to your intertwined fingers. “You ready baby?” He asked, voice high and excited to show off what had been his for the longest time but never really realized until now. You nodded and slowly made your way into the backyard. Jeff probably already told everyone since not a single soul seemed to question what had happened.  “Yes, baby girl you finally did it!” Zane shouted, holding up his beer and everyone cheered.

The smiles on each one of their faces only made it more clear to you.

This had never been a matter of if. 

This had been a matter of when.

[rqs902]

.

enyu’s mom calls him "公子哥" is he rich or is this a JOKE LOL and his mom is at a bar IM CRYING HAHA 

i just get a feeling youku eliminated shiwei for dramatic effect... 

but aw xue en crying over weihao and mxy saying star master kids are all worthy to lin mo 

L O L i was gonna be like oh thats nice enyu’s dad asked about his friends, he’s really been paying attention but then he starts throwing these

L O L I SEE WHERE HE GETS HIS REALNESS FROM HAHAHHAHA

LOL NOW HE KNOWS HOW IT FEELS

omg xikan wanting to call luo zheng!!!! im grateful theyre still close, theyre doing such different things now

awww mubo !!! being all supportive and protective of zuo ye 

hHAHAHA omg fan yu talking on the phone to renyu is so cute, so expressive with the gasp when renyu says they just recorded elims and then the AHHHH and OH MY GOD when he says he and zaixi were eliminated and the ALSKJLAKS and loud sigh when renyu reveals he just tricked him hahahaha theyre so cute omg can fan yu pls show up at the next perf, id die

lin ran’s “new world new me” im cry

lol renyu’s getting roasted by his team mates but at least they didnt really ditch him 

what is this set up anyway? theyre given a mission to leave, so theyre allowed to run around... but not? who planned this lol youku......

LOL jin fan tryin to reason why theyll be ok going to guangzhou 

did their group just get special permission bc director li hao?

hahaha ayyy zhan yu jumped first, you go child! not surprised somehow that he’d love it

lin mo’s group went to the same place? LOL but also they seem so much more under control LOL such a guai group 

LOL WHY ARE THEY SO LOUD HAHAHAH i dont think ive ever seen people that loud on a roller coaster LOL 

LOL why am i not surprised enyu is the one carrying xzx 

i cant with xzx and his heelys omg

leave it to csp to relate bungee jumping to some great deeper meaning for zlj’s personal growth hahahah but good on the kid for going through with it. interesting that zixin said he sees himself in zlj so much

HAHAHHAHA THIS FACE

when reminded he’s the hormone representative his face changed so fast im crying 

ycw is laughing his butt off and i love how it says “children’s playground” in the background

when ycw gets thoroughly ignored

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA OSCAR’S SSHHHHHHHH AND XUE EN TELLS HIM TO WATCH HIS “LANGUAGE LANGUAGE” HAHAHAHHA 

i just realized theres an english speaking line in this group :’) syh, xue en, oscar 

awwwwwwwwww them all planning to sing him happy birthday on the dot and setting it up so he can be at the top at that moment awwww thats so fun

LOL the way that oscar cursed his way to the top and is sweating so hard LOL the poor kid omg HAHAHHA

aw he can tell syh drew the card

LOL ITS OKAY OSCAR I STRUGGLE WITH READING TOO 

get you a friend like ycw who’ll tell you that you can decide how to pronounce words right, just because its your birthday 

struggling to read xue en’s handwriting LOL 

HHAHAHAHHAHAHA HOW DOES XZX RECOGNIZE IT’S HUANG ENYU BY FEELING HIS PECS HAHAHHAHA

i feel the need to just say huang junrong looks so adorable in his bright yellow outfit hahah

there’s two types of kids in this group: hjr and enyu screaming their butts off, and lin mo and xzx wallowing in regret of their life decisions

hjr and enyu always saying its too short when the ride ends LOL

lin mo talking real talk over dinner about their feelings BC HES A REAL LEADER and knows how important it is to address this. these concerns are obviously very present in his mind, even when theyre out having fun to relax, and he’s still trying his best to figure out how he can help them and motivate them. 

makes sense that they would include enyu interview clips bc hes surely spouting the real talk, but i think its interesting its mainly him and lin mo getting screen time. 

enyu would be the one to speak up and say something when lin mo is trying to talk to them though. i think theyre both right though, im guessing lin mo is in part too nice, bc he doesnt feel comfortable enough with them to be as strict as he normally is, bc he knows they have reason to not be motivated and he feels bad for them. but at the same time, he brings up a good point that they themselves need to have their own motivation. it cant just be him putting in effort. and i HUGELY respect that he is telling this to them straight up bc its a hard conversation to have, esp bc im sure he wants them to like him as a friend. but i respect that he knows if they have problems they have to air them out bc lack of communication will be too costly. 

momo is lucky he has someone like enyu on his team who’ll actually talk to him with real opinions rather than just hide in fear of disrupting the status quo. literally enyu is the one voicing that he doesnt want takeout and he doesnt want to stay up late, and other people agree, but the surprise on lin mo’s face just tells you that he wouldnt have even realized these are things that are bothering his teammates unless they straight up told him, and thankfully enyu did, bc lin mo thankfully is reasonable and willing to change his habits for the sake of the group TO HELP THEM. hes willing to do anything he can to help them, as long as they tell him what they want from him. huang enyu’s lesson in communication, dont let people guess, just tell them straight up 

its interesting bc its clear enyu respects lin mo a lot, says he has the experience and the skill and the right to yell at them to get it together, but hes still not afraid to tell lin mo he thinks lin mo should be more strict with them. and then i respect lin mo for not backing down when being criticized and for strongly insisting that they need to put in effort themselves too. he cant force them to do anything they dont want to do themselves. they themselves have to want to do well. 

lin mo is really out here taking care of his group of children and leading them and helping them and looking out for them and im just floored by his leadership yet again. i really hope they can pull it together. 

lin mo is a dork and stanning him leads to mostly either second-hand embarrassment or disappointment. from qcyn to snzm, it just always feels like he’s being mistreated and taken advantage of and stepped on, and sad things just keep happening to him. but then he has these moments where he reminds you of why he’s worth stanning. why it’s worth waiting for something good to finally actually happen. and why he deserves those good things. its just so nice to see hes getting some appreciation and recognition for the things he does. at least youku let us see his leadership in action. 

aw 

totally not surprised akey is there to drive the conversation for their group’s real talk time. tyger co-leader translates clearly hahah

LOL LI HAO TOTALLY FORGOT THE SNZM DANCE LOL

im like not surprised xikan’s group got the least adventurous adventure bc hes not afraid to show how serious hes taking this competition, but also somehow still feel like hes not getting better treatment relative to being number one?? maybe im just overthinking 

honestly all things considered im okay with this being the debut group

i mean i love ycw and zry but i feel like this makes sense to me.

this looks scary lol lin ran wyd

but yea even the way they framed the cliff hanger for next week... why do i just feel like xikan is not being treated with the respect he deserves?? 

anywayyyyyyyyyyyy for 少年營業中

LOL gz’s impression of zlj watching scary movies sounds so accurate im ded

zixin is so adorable!! i love his outfit too ahhah 

LOL gz’s sassy response to zlj responding when xue en says he’s gonna talk about a cute trainee with highly regarded visuals 

why am i totally not surprised xue en didnt get scared but zixin got scared AGAIN lol 

why do i suddenly get the realization that we hardly ever see ycw and zlj interact 

it just feels weird to see them together even tho they obviously have overlapping friend groups lol....

poor shiwei isnt even here and they keep talking about him LOL at least theyre not even really roasting him LOL ycw and yzx too nice for that

im just DYING at the cto gege’s laughing SO HARD HAHAHA 

and ycw’s face LOL 

xue en’s laugh made this ep worth it LOL

wow should i be happy that lin mo is finally in the next ep of this side show, or sad that jin fan never got to appear and itll be the last ep :( im also excited to see lin ran again! wow its weird to think that snzm is ending soon, it felt like the first 7 eps were like a slow burn and now its a mad rush to the end 

[ocean-skies]

open journal entry

I have definitely been struggling to write this all down... between my distractions and my pride, i have too much and not enough to write down. At first, I was going to completely dig up everything... I was gonna touch more on the toxic relationship I just removed myself from, and kind of vent about the existential i guess realizations i haven't really explained all of to anyone. i've been nervous about someone seeing my innermost thoughts(why not keep it to myself? kept in secret in my own journal) but maybe it can help someone to share some of it. maybe it will help me. or maybe i should do it just because it takes me out of my comfort zone. anyways, im just gonna jump into it and get hella personal before i overthink it more so if i know you personally, this isn’t exactly something I feel is healthy to dwell and talk on anymore after this. even though the story of the end of my relationship with my ex last month goes a long while before this, what started to turn my life upside down recently was when i started short term therapy, which i'm hoping to increase. i thought it would help to go to get some advice on coping with my anxiety, and secretly, to get some objective advice on what i was only beginning to suspect was a toxic relationship. my counselor pointed out to me the emotional manipulation i was being subjected to, and why i was letting it happen... she pointed me in a direction that would start to change my entire perspective on my life. when i told her about the way my mother is and was to me growing up, she pointed out to me how spot on the way i turned out ended up being when you're the daughter of a mother with narcissistic personality disorder. why i have so much anxiety and why i'm such a pushover and especially susceptible to not just attracting toxic relationships in my life, but desiring them. the familiar is most comfortable, whether it's what is healthy for us or not, and recognition of that has only been the first step. I began after this to really analyze everyone in my life, especially my gf at the time. I knew I was being taken for granted, and that i was not taking a lot of red flags as seriously as i should have. But I didn't even know where to begin to address it. The battles i faced daily for 18 years of my life shaped me into someone who avoids confrontation as a means of survival. i have gotten better, and i thought i was past the point of not being able to speak up and say no to things that make me uncomfortable, but it's still a struggle. as experiences where im taken advantage of make me ever more uncomfortable, i get a little closer each time to handling it the right way. Sometimes, it takes an especially frustrating experience to really push me, such as one i had with a new friend at a kickback who took advantage of my inability to be firm especially while intoxicated so she could continue unwanted physical sexual contact. i felt uncomfortably taken advantage of, as small of a transgression as it was, and it was because i recognized how weak i was through my submission to someone I was supposed to be comfortable with because of my fear of offense, of saying no. that same get together, i grew close with a girl i met there, and i started to repeat the toxic cycle I find myself in. right in front of me i saw myself growing towards someone absolutely unavailable, which i realized was one of my problems- i was seeking the (especially emotionally) unavailable. all of this happened throughout the end of may into june, while I was in an open relationship with my ex who barely talked to me, but that wasn't even the beginning of my journey with addressing what was in front of me with them and finding the strength to let go. It broke my heart to let go, and i still feel guilty to have been the one to ask for my ex back last january and then be the one to give up this last june, but i know what is going to be healthiest for me. I was fighting for someone emotionally unavailable who led me on that they could be open, and that they could change. I ignored all the early red flags, like the blatant and serious lying, feeling myself turn into someone I didn’t want to be, their serious inability to commit and lack of respect held for me as well as being taken for granted. Their inability to communicate, even when we needed it most and more lies and excuses for inexcusable behavior. I fell victim to the sweet promise of change, of going back to the way things were before true colors were shown. I ignored for so long what it meant when they could make time for their friends but never for me, not even when we had not seen or hardly spoken to eachother in weeks, with our interactions slowly diminished into them being glued to their phone when we would finally get to hang out, mostly ignoring my repeated attempts at conversation for a couple hours until they wanted me to fuck them. i feel sad that i put so much energy towards someone who wanted me to fight for them, who expected me to run after them, yet still refused to even look back or fight for me when i was the one leaving. refused to even react, just sit in their room and be fine. Its only been an affirmation of toxicity. giving up is hard for me, and giving up the love i feel for someone is the hardest decision i have ever made, but the sickness in my relationship made it easy, once i started to recognize it and see that I deserve an equally reciprocated love. i was stuck on all this for a while, but now the wounds are healing and i can assess the damage and try to grow. i have always had a big soft heart, a softness someone would be lucky to have despite the pain I have endured. But my heart is finally too tired of trying to be loved- it's grown cold in a way that that i'm reluctant to recover from. Ive come to terms that my mother will never love me unconditionally, and the same with my father, and with it is my drive to believe in and seek out a love like that elsewhere, a love that could match the kind I want so badly to give. I finally know what its like to have walls up in my heart that have a solid foundation, walls that even I, who alone knows every weakness in it, can see it as almost to impenetrable for comfort. I have no desire anymore for those who can't show me that i'm wanted just as equally in their life, a desire that has me leaving many behind. I've begun the recognition stage with everyone in my life now, and i'm learning the value of watching for the people who genuinely want me in their lives enough to make real effort and letting go of those who don't have my best interests in mind and can't participate in a healthy and equal giving/reciprocating relationship. but managing my relationships is only a small sliver of my journey, and counseling has taught me that. the solution to all of my problems lies within myself already. when i hit rock bottom i realized just how much weight i put into my relationships, and especially the wrong ones, and that has been a major building block for my journey. learning to love myself, by myself, is just as important to my healing process as identifying the issues that come from my upbringing. learning to peacefully live with myself, which includes my anxieties and shortcomings, is the only way to start a path away from choosing the wrong people in my life, and letting them affect me so greatly. i can't focus on someone else in the way they deserve without first coming from a healthy mindset ready to take on that challenge. i've been improving and working on that, and progress has definitely been good 👌🏼i'm no longer self harming and having ideations because of anyone else's actions, and i've finally got a crucial lesson through my head: nobody except for myself is going to make me better. no amount of anyone else's advice or support will make me secure enough in myself to overcome my anxiety, and i can't wait for someone to come along and help me, i have to do it myself and move on. because nobody will be there, that sign will never come and i only have myself for sure in my life, and only I can go that extra mile for myself. i have to work on the very way i think, and i can't blame myself for the steps i have to take to get there. it's hard not comparing my journey to someone else's but i have to remember that my journey towards happiness is mine alone, and learning to be happy alone is the first step. it's been hard for those who know me to understand when i work on being alone, and i do feel sorry for how not responding to them can make them feel but i know what i need to do in my daily life to work on overall happiness and to maintain my emotional individuality, as it's something i'm often too quick to give up. so that's it's for now, this was a long one lol and i don't think i'll edit it since i'm tired of writing so i'll start smaller stuff later