#i knew mine for 1.5 years before we began dating

[thy-cocoa-doth-grow-cold]

"Stop saying Aziraphale and Crowley are friends! Their relationship is romantic!" I get saying this when people are denying the characters' love out of homophobia but also, they're best friends. They love each other so much in so many different ways and saying "I think you mean partners/spouses" when someone who is clearly well meaning refers to them as friends is just kind of incorrect. Crowley and Aziraphale's relationship is deep and complicated and I don't think a singular label can describe what they are to each other, I mean 6000 years of friendship and love isn't something that any living person can really fathom, let alone shove into a tiny box.

[semi-anonyme]

November 3, 2020

12:05pm

I woke up at 7:00am today and I knew a few things: 1.) I would buy a Vitamix and begin to make smoothies every day 2.) I would stop holding onto the past 3.) It would be my last entry on this tumblr

Today, it is Election Day. I am very much hoping Joe Biden will win, not just for my sanity but for everyone’s sanity, for a little hope in humanity’s fight against the allure of anti-intellectualism, scapegoating, its growing tolerance of hate.

I remember the last election day, or rather, the evening. We all thought Hillary would win uneventfully. I remember my colleague dipping out of work early to go to the Javits Center to celebrate her victory. I remember watching in disbelief from my basement computer, walking upstairs with my eyes wide and jaw dropped. “Are you watching the news right now Mike?” “Yeah, Trump is in the lead. It looks like he’s about to win Pennsylvania (or was it Michigan? Or Wisconsin?)” I walked to bed in disgust, woke up in disgust, confirmed my disgust.

There was not one conversation I heard on the train or in the street that day that didn’t involve Trump. That night, I drank alone at Three Diamond Door. I still remember the buff black dude sitting in the corner downing Bell’s Two Hearted IPAs.

Anyway, election day 2020. I’m going out to vote in about 2 hours. I got today off. Thanks, progressive companies.

I’ve had a lot of internal discussions with myself on here, published them as blog posts. I have timestamps to remember them by, I’m glad. In the past ~8 months since the pandemic began, I’ve gone back to a lot of my entries -- oh, this is what it was like in the beginning in March. Oh yes, May, I was indeed watching a lot of K-Dramas, it was getting hotter. Ahhh yes, I did learn a lot about not having the city as my crutch.

Just in general, on this blog, on the countless loose leaf papers in my journal, I’ve had these battles about meaning. This blog pre-dates seeing Jody my therapist, who I’ve been seeing faithfully for over 1.5 years now.

I could go on. The point I’m making rn in this last entry is this -- all that stuff is in the past, it was important, I internalized it. Now it’s time to move on. I’m glad this exists, these 450 entries exist, they exist with a purpose. But now? I know who I am, what I want to be.

I have no dilemma of engineering vs artistry. Now that I’ve been away from loud bars, I have no FOMO about the nightlife. It’s kinda just time to start from scratch, this knowledge.

I just created a new tumblr, domo-knows. I’ll likely have a companion YouTube channel in the future. Anyway, a few and somewhat ambiguous bullets for myself since, you know, this blog was always just for me.

ON THINGS I’M LEAVING BEHIND ACTIONS 1. Random drinking. Today, I’m going to buy an Other Half Finback IPAs, pop them open around 8pm and start watching election results. I’ve gone into detail before about drinking, but just to sum it up, drinking alcohol is the one thing I can say captures how complex and funny it is being a human -- how we use it socially, justify it, cling onto it, how it becomes tangled up in our highest achievements and our most shameful insecurities. I’ve consumed alcohol for these various reasons in my life:

a.) I was avoiding doing something difficult b.) I didn’t want to be alone in my room, and preferred the loud chatter of conversations and music at a cramped bar c.) I did not trust my social abilities sober, so I drank alcohol because I’ve never known anyone who has not liked me when I’ve had a couple (when I’m shit-faced, another story) d.) To hook up with a girl e.) I was bored f.) I was about to do something boring and wanted to make it more exciting g.) Because it was a beautiful sunny day, perfect for a beer on a patio h.) Because it was a cold and dreary day, perfect to brood over a Manhattan i.) I was lonely j.) My life was going too well, I wasn’t used to that, and I needed something to question k.) My life was going poorly, and I needed something to cheer me up for the evening l.) I needed to make a decision, so I drank alcohol and wrote in my journal and came to a good decision that I stuck with m.) I needed to make a decision, so I drank alcohol until I no longer cared, and the decision was punted off until the next day n.) I I needed to make a decision, I thought a drink or two would jigger my thought process, but I ended up getting distracted by something my drunk self was interested in, and the decision was punted off until the next day I’d come up with more but they’re all just variations of that and who wants to read more of that? 2. Eating sugary sweets, justifying it by saying I have “an addiction” I actually never cared for sweets until high school. Most birthday cake I had was gross, my parents bought Chips Ahoy or Oreos which tbh aren’t all that great, and I was never exposed to really good pastries until I was in college. In high school, I dropped a buncha weight entirely too quickly and I ended up with a fats and sweets “addiction” that I’ve “had ever since”. This is a common thing.

I’ve held it close to me mentally -- my “sweets addiction”. I didn’t question it, it was something I just had, something to hang onto for the rest of my life because I fucked up when I was younger.

But as I’ve gotten older, I understand that these things -- addictions -- serve purposes. They keep us comfortable in what we deem to be true of ourselves. They (poorly) provide temporary breaks from incessant mental gymnastics/fatigue. Anyway, blah blah, big sweeping declarations, blah blah, I’ve done that all before. But when I woke up today, I knew I would get a Vitamix like I’ve been talking about for years, and I made a decision to stop holding onto this. I always eat 2 meals a day with a wild west assortment of things in between, cake and cookies and granola bars and Halloween candy. Now, 2 meals and a protein smoothie/juice.

Let them muscles grow bb. Feel good about my body, treat it like the fucking temple it is.

3. Dicking around on the internet I enjoy reddit. I enjoy wikipedia. I also end up on these sites when I’m avoiding other major responsibilities and uncomfortable feelings. I know what I want: it involves a lot of deep practice. I could read about programming all day and I’d be fascinated -- you know, the history of Silicon Valley, Introduction to the Rust Programming language, new JavaScript frameworks, discussions on HackerNews about The Best Way to Build Something. But nothing beats getting your hands dirty. Nothing beats poring over source code, running into strange errors, resolving them, moving on, over and over ad nauseam until lo-and-behold, you are an expert.

I can read about music, listen to raps over and over, but nothing beats analyzing a verse over and over and actually hearing the syllables landing on, falling behind the beat.

I’m here to structure my day. I know what I want. Expertise, pride, and know-how. A differentiated skillset so I can collaborate with other differentiated skillsets. Good taste, a feeling of belonging. All that shit, all I ever wanted but didn’t know until recently. THOUGHT PATTERNS 1. FOMO What is it with being a human -- a Man, especially (sorry is that sexist, but also, not sorry) -- that makes us believe that everyone has everything we have and more? That we are the base model without power windows, and everyone else is an upgrade? I love going on walks in New York City. I love riding the trains in New York City. But while some of this love is healthy spectatorship, much of what I’ve engaged in is unhealthy envy.

I’m done with that though. I know what I like. And I know I have a dope life. And I know that I’m a good person to know, that people may have different qualities than me but I also have different qualities from them. I’m cool with my small close-knit friends. 2. INDECISION I kinda expanded on this above. I know what I want, and all questioning I’ve done (especially recently) has been my effort to save myself from doing the work, save myself from having to declare what I am. 3. ENGAGING IN FEELINGS OF BEING LATE I am 31 years old. This is something I know to be true: there is a 13-year old who can program circles around me. There is a kid who can play a rendition of Misty on piano so soulful that it’ll bring a tear to my eye. There is nothing, technically (as in, technical expertise), that I can do that can’t be done by anyone else. But I do believe in my taste and I do believe in my life experiences. And I do believe that whatever I create can only be mine, have my signature, and I think that whatever I create in this world that I’m proud of is going to be good. That’s a fact, and I’m going into the future with that as a fact.

Farewell, semi-anonyme Anyway, I was going to write more but I wanna get going, more to do. I’ve got some work to do, some voting to do, some writing to do, some planning to do.

I love you all. See you on the other side.

[smuttyfairy]

Eternal: Part 2

Genre: Vampire!AU series with the whole package of eventual fluff, angst, and smut!

Summary: You see a side of Taehyung you hadn’t before today and later meet Namjoon’s friends that leads you to blow off some steam.

Word Count: 6487

Written by: Admin Smuttyfairy

Parts: Prologue (M) | Part 1 (M) | Part 1.5 (M) | Part 2 |

A/N: Almost a year later and now finally here is part 2 :’D TBH for the past 8 months or since I released part 1.5 I've been struggling to write part 2 and for the longest time I just didn't know what to write and how to even make it seem juicy??? And even with what I had roughly written down for this part I was highly dissatisfied with more than half of it. I was debating whether I should delete it and give up on working on this series overall. BUT. I've been looking forward to writing certain scenes in future parts so I hauled some ass on part 2 and had a few of my friends and the admins read it over and proofread. So without further ado, here is a trashy part 2!

Time: 7:00 A.M.

Location: Home

“BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP,” the alarm obnoxiously blared.

You softly groaned and winced from the sunlight seeping in through the crack in the curtains. You tossed and turned away from the sun to your alarm clock that sat on your nightstand, quickly beating it blindly with your fist to turn it off.

You turned to face the ceiling, opening your eyes as you stared blankly and sighed.

Time to get ready for work.

Still foggy with sleep you attempted to recollect your thoughts. How and when exactly did you get in bed? Oh. That’s right. Last night was movie night with Jimin... You must have fallen asleep because you couldn't remember the movie ever ending?

You pulled the covers off and force yourself out of bed. Sleepily, you walked out to your living room, curious to see if Jimin had possibly decided to spend the night on the couch and then proceed to protest in why he just doesn’t share the bed with you instead. Not that it would have been a problem since the two of you have known each other for so long anyway. Even then, it wouldn't have been a surprise if Jimin did decide to sleep on the couch. The boy could freely live in your home if he wanted to.

You yawned against the palm of your hand, seeing Jimin had decided to not sleep in last night you couldn’t help but feel a bit saddened by the loss of warm company. However, a short grin grew upon your face at the sight of a handwritten letter posted on the refrigerator. You took the piece of paper into your hand and read Jimin’s semi-neat handwriting.

“(Y/N), you fell asleep half way into the movie...you seemed really tired so I didn't bother to wake you up. I carried you to bed and made sure I locked the door behind me when I left. We can finish the movie some other day, okay? :)

- Jimin

P.S. There’s a lunch box I prepared in the refrigerator for you to take to work. Hope you enjoy it.”

You gently placed the hand written letter on your kitchen island and opened up the refrigerator to find a black bento with white rice topped with eggs, seasoned pork, and veggies neatly placed to the side. You smiled at Jimin’s sweet gesture and couldn’t help but feel as if your morning was gratefully made because of him.

Yawning sheepishly back to your room you turned on the TV for the morning news while sorting through your closet for appropriate work clothes. Selecting through your assortment of solid-colored professional clothes, you pulled a black pencil skirt and white long, loose sleeve dress shirt with black rounded collars.

“Last night there was another reported animal attack that caused the death of two local residents with their necks seemed to be ripped to shreds. The third local, a woman is currently still missing. Officers are still searching for any witnesses or info on the woman,” a news person announced.

You watched the channel with a blank expression, brushing your hair of tangles and frizz. Frankly, the news was nothing new to you. “Animal attacks.” It was obvious to you that this was the work of vampires... rabid ones at least since the neck was severely shredded. You found it bizarre and slightly shocking that anyone could believe these deadly attacks were the work of wild animals, but of course... vampires “aren't real.”

With a deep sigh, you quickly stepped into your black pencil skirt, patting it down around the curves of your bottom before looping your arms into your shirt and buttoning it up. You tucked in your loose top into your skirt and finished off your work attire with a thin silver belt wrapped around your hips.

“While officers and local park rangers are currently in search of the missing woman we’ll return with any updated news on our website. Until then, please check-”

You clicked the TV power off before the news person could finish, quickly grabbing your purse and car keys before rushing off to work.

Time: 7:54 A.M.

Location: The main lobby of Seonsung Company

You entered the office building, heels click behind you as you made haste to your office floor while quickly checking the time on your watch. 7:54AM. Just about on time.

“Oof-”

Your thought process was suddenly interrupted as you just so happened to bump into someone you assumed worked there but had never seen or associated with.

“Oh, I’m so sorry! Did I hurt you?” The gentleman asked, face full of worry, his hands gestured around your body as if you were about to fall whichever way. He had perfect raven-colored hair, his eyes were thin but cute as he smiled at you and his jawline was chiseled and sharp. He was particularly handsome and had glowing, pale skin you couldn’t help but be slightly awestruck at the sight of his beauty.

“Uh-I..I’m fine, thanks for asking,” you brushed yourself off. “I’m the one who should be saying sorry.” You quickly glanced at his name tag and then his eyes. “Ah, I’m sorry, Changkyun. I wasn't watching where I was going,” you perked up a smile, bowing your head just slightly before turning on your heel to leave.

“Wait!” He yelled, stopping you in your tracks, making you turn to look back at him.

“Would you...like to go out sometime?” He asked boldly with an excited grin.

“Uh….I’m flattered, but I can’t! Sorry! I have to go now,” you responded, turning on your heel again, striding off as quickly as you attempted before your wrist was suddenly caught in a rather strong grip, pulling you back to the same spot you had just left.

You mentally sighed as your patience began to run low and darted your eyes at Changkyun with irritation. You were going to be late for work and damn it to hell if this guy was going to be the reason he better make this worth it.

“Listen. You bumped into me. I'm sure a pretty doll like you could do a simple favor of just going out on a date with me? I promise I won't bite,” he grinned a little too creepily, wiping away any attractive aura he had around you. You looked down at the way he held your wrist and then back up to face him, your eyes surely on fire with anger as he waited for the reply he wanted to hear.

The way he even uttered those words to begin with was more than unsettling. You were beginning to feel so uncomfortable and so annoyed you could feel your blood boil. You wanted to kick this guy’s undeserving, egotistical, cocky ass.

“Let go of me,” you stated sternly.

“Aww, c’mon baby I'm sure you could do me this one favor,” he tried to coo into your ear.

Time: 7:57 A.M.

Location: Reception desk in the main lobby of Seonsung Company

Taehyung perked up as soon as he heard your voice in an unsettling, demanding demeanor. He turned away from his coworker whom he was just talking to. His attention focused on you and a man whose hand was gripped rather tightly around your wrist. He could hear your heartbeat beginning to pace faster, perhaps it was the adrenaline rush and anger fuming inside of you because he knew you enough that there was no way you'd be scared to fight off this guy… or anyone for that matter. The way this man had his hand around your wrist and the smirk on his face as he pulled you closer caused a fire of rage to suddenly burn within Taehyung. He couldn’t take it any longer to see you like this. He didn’t like the fact you were being held like that, especially if you didn’t want to be in the first place. He didn’t like the fact that this guy was being utterly disrespectful to you and your wishes. Without thinking, Taehyung told his coworker he’d see him in the office later and then took quick strides to the escalating scene that was unfolding.

“Is there a problem here?” Taehyung asked, stepping in front of you as he stared deadly at Changkyun with piercing eyes and his fist balled up to his side.

“And who are you?” Changkyun scoffed with a grin, releasing his grip on your wrist as he stared Taehyung up and down.

“Tae it’s okay, I got this-”

“No, (Y/N). I got this,” Taehyung retorted, patting your shoulder to reassure you that he could handle this.

“I’m, (Y/N)’s boyfriend. Who are you?” Taehyung asked demandingly, eyes like daggers as he stared down Changkyun.

“You? You’re her boyfriend?” Changkyun scoffed again. “I've never seen you around with her? What kind of boyfriend are you to leave this pretty little dollface alone this morning? Hm??”

“I’m sorry? Who are you? Why does it matter to you?” Taehyung sharply countered. “Yes, I’m her boyfriend and I don’t have to be with her 24/7 all the time. I may not always be with her, but I will make sure to beat the living hell out of anyone who touches what's mine. So back off unless you want to lose your job today because I sure as hell wouldn't mind losing mine if I get to happily send your ass flying.” Taehyung leans closer in on his face while cracking his knuckles into his fist. “Do as the lady says. Let. Her. Go,” Taehyung threatened.  

Changkyun looked to you and then to Taehyung with a smirk, raising his hands up as a surrender before walking off without a word.

Taehyung stood idly in front of you, his face to the side and away from Changkyun, but enough to see just how far the creep stopped walking to curiously peer at the two of you who were supposedly a “couple.”

“Thanks, Tae. You didn't have to-” your sentence was quickly interrupted as Taehyung crashed his lips onto yours, his hand behind the base your head as he pulled you closer, lips soft as plush, warm to touch. It was a comforting kiss you never imagined to happen… especially with Taehyung.

He pulled away, eyes staring deep into your own. “Oh my g-” you whispered breathlessly, eyes wide with shock. Taehyung intertwined his fingers in your own and pulled you toward the elevator, pushing you inside and against the wall with his body. He smashed his mouth excitedly against yours, tongues languidly touching, his hot body rubbing against yours, arms above your head as he held them up. Your body arched against his as the kiss deepened, hips yearning for something much more until he pulled away at the sound of the doors closing shut. His eyes gazing deeply into yours, his hands still holding yours above your head, lips hovering over your own while you both panted breathlessly.

The kiss had overwhelmed you for a minute you admit, but soon enough your senses came back to you. Without much thought to it, you pulled your hand away from his grasp and smacked him hard on the upper arm.

“OW!” Taehyung winced in pain, taking steps back to rub the sensitive spot.

“What the hell was that for?” You growled with anger.

“It was proof, (Y/N). Proof in case that guy needed to know you were really mine,” He defended. “He was watching us up until we got to the elevators.”

“Was all of that really necessary though?” You asked him, eyebrow raised with suspicion as you crossed your arms together.

“People like him are possessive, self-centered, douche bags who want what’s not theirs. He's gone now and he should hopefully know to leave you alone from now on,” Taehyung responded, standing to the side of you to adjust the tie around his neck. “Now we're late thanks to him.”

“Well...thank you, Tae. I really appreciate it,” you replied with gratitude, softly chewing on the nail of your thumb as your mind went over the event.

A moment of silence passes by and your mind began to cross over the thought that you just kissed Taehyung and how hot he had just made your body in those few seconds of locked lips.

“You liked it,” Taehyung grinned, his eyes facing toward the elevator doors.

Your eyes quickly flashed a look at him.

“The kiss,” he repeated. “You liked it, didn't you?” He turned to face you, his grin widening as he observed your blushing face.

“Yeah right! That was all you,” you denied.

“Admit it (Y/N), you liked it. If you gave me an actual chance I'd give you more than just a heated kiss,” he winked, flashing his eyes to his pants and back up to yours.

You scoffed. “Oh how tempting,” you retorted with sarcasm.

Taehyung laughed at your response, knowing he had you cornered but didn't bother you more as the elevator dinged to signal you were at your stop.

The two of you stepped out and made way to take a seat at your desks which were (lucky for you) on separate ends of the room.

You sighed as you took your seat, relieved to finally be sitting and breathing your own air.

“You're late,” Namjoon stated, never looking away from his computer screen as he quickly typed.

“Yeah… some dude tried to hit on me and then Taehyung jumped in,” you replied, turning on your computer.

Namjoon side-eyed you at the mention of Taehyung. “Taehyung, huh?” he grinned.

“Yes, Taehyung... What about him?” You side-eyed Namjoon, suspicious of his sentence.

“Oh, nothing. It just seems like you two have a thing for one each other,” he responded nonchalantly.

You snorted. “Yeah right, okay.”

“You're not denying it,” he smirked.

“There's nothing to deny,” you replied, checking your emails and work assignments.

“You just don't want to admit it. I know you enough to know you like Taehyung,” he stated.

You turned to Namjoon, eyes squinting at him with distaste because whether you liked it or not… he was somewhat right. I mean… you didn’t exactly like-like him. Taehyung is undeniably attractive, funny, and charming. And to add more to it, he was sweet for sticking up for you this morning which astounded you because you never imagined he would do such a thing.

“I'm going to ignore you now… because... you know... I have work to focus on.”

“Ohh, you know you can multitask (Y/N). I'll stop talking about him, but I’m just saying… you should definitely try to go out with him. He’s definitely interested. You’re interested. Stop beating around the bush and fuck already,” He laughed. “Anyway, it's been awhile since we’ve gone out for drinks. You wanna go out tonight after work? My friend owns a cool bar and I’d love for you to meet him and a couple friends of mine.”

“Sounds like a plan,” you responded. “I have to go home and change first and then I'll meet you there soon after if that's cool with you?”

“That’s fine, (Y/N). Take your time. Would you like to invite Taehyung over?” He sang, winking his eye at you.

“Don't be weird, Namjoon. Stop winking at me,” you brushed the topic off to completely avoid it. “Let me focus on my work assignments, gosh.”

Time: 7:35 P.M.

Location: Level 10-V Operations Underground Base aka Vampire Hunter HQ

The driving distance to Level 10-V was shorter than you could imagine being that it was a secret hidden base within the city. The location had to be within city range as well as outskirt range to dispatch hunters as needed in a timely matter. Level 10-V wasn't exactly a building that could be seen to begin with. Deep within the city lies a hidden path to an abandoned underground parking lot. While it may seem like the perfect place for vampires to find you, the borders of the underground building is actually trailed with a special repellent that made the area itself hidden to vampires. The same kind of substance used by your mother to protect you 7 years ago.

Level 10-V Operations was a base camp for you and fellow hunters and trainees. The vicinity was quite large, built specially for vampire hunters as an HQ center. There were individual training rooms, a gym, a target practice range, computer labs, science labs, the whole deal. Level 10-V was where you were taken to the night of the attack. It was here that you were cared for by the fellow friends of your parents. You were so distraught by the scenes of that night that it caused restless sleeping. You remember there were nights when you’d stayed up to build your strength and train until you were so tired you passed out on the training mats. Level 10-V became a second home to you and the people who trained you became like family...especially Jinyoung.

“Hey, (Y/N). How are you today?” Jinyoung asked, his eyes never leaving the clipboard he was studying. “Ready for your assignment?” The two of you walking side by side to the weapons room.

“As always,” you excitedly grinned. “What's up?”

“Okay so here's a file for you.” You turned to face Jinyoung to take the files into your own hands. You began reading the documents carefully.

“You've heard about the recent attack from this morning, right?” Jinyoung sighed, running his hand through his dark hair.

You nodded in response, stuffing your pockets with V-X gas bombs and strapping in a small bottle of cloaking spray.

“Well, one of the three who was attacked is assumed to have actually survived the attack. She’s been identified as Kim Jennie. She may still be on the loose and may even be given vampire blood since the wound on her neck is no longer visible and completely healed. She’s most likely freaked out and in hiding.” He shows you a photo of a woman in a baseball cap and black hoodie. Her eyes seemed tired and hollow, face pale, and inner lips stained a deep red.

“This was taken earlier today… we're not sure if she's stable enough to be out in the open, but nonetheless, we have to take her down. And by ‘take her down’ I mean restrain her. If she’s killed in the 24 hours from the time she was given vampire blood she’ll start to go rampant for blood…which you already know, will be the newborn stage in being a vampire. We won’t be able to save her if that happens so your assignment is to find her, restrain her, and bring her in.

You nodded your head, carefully eyeing each weapon before you. “I got it.”

“As for suspicions … with what info we’ve gathered, we think the perpetrator is turning women into vampires opposed to men...it seems the lives of women are spared as their bodies have yet to be found. To the public eye, most of them are still missing.”

You grabbed several V-X tainted throwing dagger knives and slipped them into the secret holsters inside your boots.

Jinyoung hands you another photo.

“This woman was stated to be missing just a few months ago and now here she is: new hair and new look. Identified as Lee Chaerin.” In the photo, she has glowing pale skin, platinum blonde hair, plump red lips and with dark cat eyes. She looked fierce and confident.

“This was her three months ago before she went missing.” He hands you another photo of her with a completely unrecognizable look. Her hair was a dull brown, skin tanned, with innocent-like eyes that radiate a cute shyness behind them.

“We’re unsure if any of this is true and exact. These are based on the information and evidence we were able to gather so far. If you need any backup at all make sure you call us.”

“Got it,” you grinned confidently. “I’ll update you when I can.”

Jinyoung placed a hand on your shoulder. “Just be careful, (Y/N),” leaving you to collect your gear.

You ran your hand on the gun case and opened it. Displaying a wide arrangement of guns of different sizes and caliber. You grabbed a metallic black silent pistol and cocked it back, ready for fire. You closed the case of guns and tucked the pistol into the holster on your back, proceeding to make sure you didn't leave any other equipment or weapons behind before leaving to go meet Namjoon at the bar.

Time: 9:06 P.M.

Location: Min’s Bar

It was just about 9:06 P.M. when you arrived at the bar, pulling up to a decently sized shack just a few blocks outside the city.

You walked inside to find the sound of band music playing through the speakers, the small crowds and couples of people dispersed all over the place chit-chatting and sharing drinks with one another. The typical bar scene.

You searched for Namjoon, your eyes scanning the room until you finally saw him sitting at the bar, gesturing a wave at you with a glass cup in his hand. You quickly made your way toward him, taking purchase on the seat next to his.

“Glad you could make it, (Y/N).” He smiled, taking a sip of his drink. “I don't see Taehyung, where is he?” He teased, looking past your shoulders as if he was actually looking for him.

You squinted your eyes at him, lifting your hand ready and in position to slap him. “Stop it you ass!” You hissed, backhanding his arm with a nice smack.

“AH! (Y/N)!” Namjoon laughed, rubbing the stinging muscle of his arm.

“I'm sorry, ma’am? Is this dickhead being a bother to you?” The gentleman behind you asked, putting a firm hand on Namjoon’s shoulder. His face was as pale as porcelain, his beautiful shining locks of silver hair immediately caught your eye, bangs just perfectly draped above them. He wore a black leather jacket and mildly shredded denim jeans, black combat boots to match his dark, edgy outfit. He was quite good looking, stunning in such beauty really that it took you a couple seconds to realize what he had just asked.

“I-Uh. No! no! He’s-” you stuttered, trying to find the best coherent words you could make up.

“Yoongi, you're already making the girl nervous,” Namjoon laughed, taking another sip of his drink.

“I'm just kidding. This dickhead is my best friend. I’m Yoongi, owner of the place. You must be, (Y/N)? Namjoon’s friend from work?” He sweetly smiled, his hand out to you to shake.

“Uh-Yes! Yes, that's me. Nice to meet you, Yoongi,” you nervously grinned, taking his hand in yours to give a firm shake.

“Well, welcome welcome. I hope you'll feel comfortable and at home here. Feel free to come and visit us at any time,” Yoongi grinned, taking a seat next to you.

“Oh, thank you! I definitely will.”

“So are you hungry? I have a great cook in the kitchen and I could get him to make you something delicious I'm sure you'll love,” he handed you a menu, all sorts of food assorted for a bar.

“Oh no thanks, I’m okay,” you politely denied with soft giggle.

“Hobi!” Namjoon yells through the noise of people, gesturing at who looks to be the bartender. The man quickly turns in response to his name being called, his eyes quickly meeting yours. A brighter smile widening on his face when he realizes Namjoon has brought a girl to their bar.

You watch as he makes his way towards the both of you, a towel between his hands as he wipes off whatever liquid he had on them. He had the biggest smile you'd ever seen on any guy, his hair similar to Yoongi’s but a caramel brown in color and less fluffy than his. His cheekbones were prominent as he smiled and his eyes formed into cute crescents. He was just as handsome as Yoongi, maybe more so as you had a weakness for his big smile that made your heart flutter.

“Ooooh, Namjoon brought a girl~” He sang teasingly.

“She's just a friend, Hobi,” Namjoon dragged his sentence with a soft chuckle.

“Ohhh~ so you're single then, huh?”

You giggled at his flirtatious response. “Yeah I-”

“She's supposedly into this other guy at work,” Namjoon cuts you off, nudging his elbow into your arm.

“Oh~ that's too bad. I wouldn't mind treating you as my girl.” He leaned in closer to you. “I'd take very good care of you,” he whispered and then laughed playfully as he pulled away. “I'm Hoseok by the way, my two friends here call me Hobi sometimes and you're welcome to do so as well.”

You smiled with a nod. “Well thank you. I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Now what can I get you to drink? It's on the house~” he sang.

“Gin and coke, please. Easy on the gin.”

“Ah, nice choice. It’ll be right up.” Hoseok turned away to mix your drink as you smiled at his friendly gesture.

“Well, well, who’s this beautiful, young lady?” A gentleman speaks from behind. You turn to face him, watching as he approaches you and your party. His hair a chocolate brown color, lips extra pink and plump, a face so handsome you’d think he was easily capable of being a lady’s man.

“Hey Jin! This is my friend and coworker, (Y/N).” Namjoon gestures at you.

“Hi, nice to meet you,” you smiled. “I’m guessing you’re a friend of Namjoon’s as well?”

“That I am, my dear. My name’s Seokjin. Jin for short. I’m the one they call ‘a lady’s man’.” He jokingly wiggled his eyebrow.

You laughed at his silly remark.

“Here you go. Gin and Coke, easy on the gin. Hoseok returned, placing a straw and mixing it well before placing it in front of you with his cheeky smile planted on his face.

“Thank you,” you took a sip from the straw of your drink, curiously eyeing the crowd of people again and then to Yoongi who scoffed and shook his head at the newspaper he was reading.

“That's the 4th one this month,” Yoongi muttered, throwing the newspaper flat in front of Namjoon.

You watched Namjoon focus heavily on reading the article while you leaned in closer to briefly scan the words with your own eyes.

Namjoon shook his head. “I can't believe they call it animal attacks.”

You turned to face him curiously. “You don't think they're animal attacks?”

“Of course not.” Namjoon chuckled. “There's no way that neck is from any sort of animal- except for maybe the Chupacabra... but where can you find one of those?”

“Do you think they're something else, (Y/N)?” Yoongi asked you, curiosity threaded in his voice.

“I mean clearly it's something else. No animal could do that. Just a monster," you put it out blatantly, eyeing the glass in your hand as flashbacks from the night of the attack came through. Your mother’s face becoming lifeless as you watched it literally be sucked out of her.

"Monsters? What are you guys talking about? There's no boogeyman around here," Hoseok laughed jokingly.

“No, no. Not that kind of monster. I mean vampires; they’re destructive and vile blood suckers,” you coldly stated, the grip on your glass tightening at the thought of that vampire dropping your mother’s lifeless body onto the floor. Anger and emotion began to flood into you.

The boys around you eyed one another as the atmosphere suddenly became tense by your sharp, cold words.

"(Y/N)... have you ever met one?" Namjoon asked, eyeing you curiously as you continued to stare blankly at your glass cup.

You scoffed. "Meet one? I doubt a vampire wants to have a chat with anyone unless it involves a neck."

"Hey, you can never judge a book by its cover,” Hoseok retorted.

"Or fangs,” Yoongi chimed in.

"Yeah, (Y/N). You’ll never know if you’re going to meet a good one with that attitude," Jin firmly stated.

Your eyes shot like daggers all of the boys. How is it that they're defending them? Vampires stole your family. They were killers of the night. Blood sucking demons. They were nothing but damned, vile monsters. They don’t deserve a life on the world’s surface if all they did was suck it dry out of humans anyway.

You scoffed at their words. "I'll believe that when pigs fly,” drinking the rest of your cup and slamming it onto the bar.

“G’Night, guys. I have business to attend to,” quickly turning away to leave the bar away from the boys before they could say anything more to piss you off this cold, wintery night.

Time: 11:43 P.M.

Location: Somewhere in the city of Seoul

The night wind breezed through your strands of hair as you scoped out the area. Home lights were all off with the few porch ones left on. All but sleep could be assumed within this city. You climbed down the building that stood tallest, down to the streets below to begin your hunt. It wasn't actually part of your assignment, but… after what happened at the bar tonight you need to let off some steam.

You quietly stroll casually along the streets, going forward in no particular destination. More or less, you were baiting out the vampires.

As you approached further a shadow moves at the corner of your eye and as quick as a blink, a manly figure stood leaning against the building in front of you.

“My, my, you’re looking rather delectable, dollface. Care to finish what we started this morning?” The familiar voice spoke.

Your eyes studied the figure and realized it was Changkyun from earlier this morning. “Changkhun… really? It’s late. You should leave. Nights like this can be dangerous,” you warned him, not wondering as to why he was he was there in the first place. Instead, you paid more attention to your surroundings and the air that seemed to have settled.

You walked away from the man as your mind was set on more important matters than a dirtbag on the streets. As you walked away you notice from the corner of your eye three shadows casted against the brick walls. You stop in your tracks, very well aware of the situation that's about ensue.

Three tall men drop in from whatever building they leaped off of, easily landing on their feet. You were very sure no human being had such capabilities so you could only resort to the idea that these three were vampires. The blood boiled within your veins at the thought of these blood suckers but you remained calm-minded, grinning just slightly.

Finally, some action.

Shit- Changkyun.

You turned to quickly face the seemingly innocent man, “Run-” but you're shocked to see he's not there, but somehow right in front of you when you turn back.

The sudden appearance throws you off your guard, bringing your hand to punch him in the throat, but he's quicker than you in response by just .3 microseconds as he grabbed your wrist mid-swing. His supernatural strength was clearly much stronger than yours as he withheld your wrist in his hand.

Fucking vampires.

The way his cold hand squeezed ever so tightly around your wrist pissed you off and the way he pulled you into his body made you feel so… repulsed.

“Ohh, you're a little fighter aren't you? I love it when my prey fights back,” he chuckled, licking his lips as if he could already taste you.

“We can have a little fun,” he chuckles in your ear, bringing his other hand down your back to your butt while he disgustingly licks at your wrist in his hand.

“I said it earlier and I’ll say it again,” you eyed him. “Let. Go. Of. Me.”

You grit your teeth together and growl, refusing to hear or be touched by him. You pull back your head and smash it upward against his chin, throwing him off balance, giving you the chance to further free yourself from his grasps to knee him in the crotch shoving him further away from you. The maneuver gives you room to grab your hidden daggers from the holster of your boots, one for each hand as you readied them.

You quickly fling both daggers at the two vampires on the farthest sides, leaving one in the middle. The speed of the daggers is chucked straight their chests, smoke coming out of their wounds as they began to burn, screaming and writhing in pain until they combusted into nothing but dusted remains.

You noticed Changkyun picking himself off the ground so you take the quick moment to throw your V-X smoke bombs down to get away. He gets up to chase you through the smoke, coughing and gasping for air as the smoke bomb was actually laced with poison made specifically for vampires.

You grab the daggers that were in the remains of the slain vampires and hooked them into the holster on your hips and then darted your eyes at the middle vampire who was beginning to run frantically in fear of being killed. He wasn't wrong though. You chased after the cold fiend and caught up further to him. You grabbed your small lasso tied with holy stones, throwing it at the vampire’s ankles and watching as they wrapped quickly around him, causing him to scream in pain and fall face forward. You quickly tackled his body down to the group with your weight and grabbed both of your daggers from your hips, leaving no second or minute to waste for him to be alive, plunging them right into his chest as your straddled him down.

He immediately squirms wildly and screams turn into nothing as he's poofed into dusted remains.  

Now all you had left was your last target who remained in the smoky toxic bomb you dropped. You walked over with utter confidence after successfully taking on 3 fiends on your own, ready to take down Changkyun, but when the smoke clears he's gone.

You hear his laughter bounce off the walls. You turn and search with your eyes frantically, careful with your surroundings as you try to concentrate on his whereabouts, listening closely for sounds of his steps or maybe a swoosh of his movements against the wind. You see a casted shadow and you go after it immediately, throwing the dagger at the nearest body part you see.

You hear a grunt and you watch as the figure falls to the ground and groan with pain. As you walk closer to grab the dagger from his chest you're shocked to see it’s not there but in his hand. He caught it. His smile grows creepily. “Surprise?”

You immediately jump back in response and pull the daggers from your holster again, mistakenly falling into the cold grips of more vampire minions. They apprehend you and twist your wrists that make you writhe in pain, screaming as you willingly dropped your weapons.

“Did you think you had us in the palm of your hands, dollface?” Changkyun laughed, standing up from the ground as he dusted himself off while he made steps toward you. His minion bends your neck enough that is exposed and angled perfectly for the vampire boss. Your openly neck bare and supple with thriving, warm blood. You growl and try to pull and push away from their grasps, but nothing budges against their supernatural strength.

“Fuck off,” you spat into his face.

You watched as he wasn't phased, but instead laughed at your remark and pulled at your hair to hold you back. “I wonder what you taste like,” he licked at his lips, watching as his sharp pearly fangs inched further onto your neck. ‘It’s too bad that boyfriend of yours isn't here to save you now.”

Was this it? Am I really done?

You closed your eyes in fear and anticipation, ashamed you couldn't have your revenge as you were about to die at the hands of a vampire as your parents did. The two vampires holding you suddenly drop when you hear the sound of daggers pierce into their chest, you immediately open your eyes with shock as they scream and cry in pain, releasing your body to frantically pat their burning bodies. Thank god, backup was here, you didn't even have to make the call. Before you knew it, their bodies burst into dust. You take this sudden chance of freedom and quickly knee Changkyun in the gut, taking a step back as he let go of his grip on your hair. You pull back your arm and hurl a quick punch into his chest that blasts him a few steps back.

The vampire laughed maniacally. “Is that all you got, dollface?” You watched as his eyes began to glow red. Then he vanished within the speed of light and before you can respond or think of your next move you hear a deep rumble of laughter from behind you. Changkyun tackled you to the ground, holding you against your will, wrists held by his hands, his whole body straddling you as he bares his fangs once more.

“Just stay still dollface,” he laughs again, excited to have a taste of you. “It’ll be over before you know, and then you’ll be mine forever.”

The realization of his words makes you struggle against his superhuman grip even more, but he's got you attached to the ground. You winced as you felt his sharp fangs gliding along your neck.

“You fucking son of a bitch,” you growled.

Changkhyun laughed at your response. “I can hear your heart pumping blood so quick… are you that scared? Aww, don’t worry, I’ll make this quick.” You could hear the gasp of his mouth widening, just centimeters away from ripping your neck apart.

Just then a shwoop of a dagger can be heard as it’s plunged into the back of the Changkyun’s chest. He gasps shortly before screaming and twisting in pain. He frantically squirms and pats his body as if fire was consuming him, giving you this chance to kick him off of you. You watched as he burned, stepping away from him before his final scream, bursting into nothingness.

You quickly stood up and got yourself together, grabbing the daggers from the ground not too far off from where you dropped them as you watched a silhouette of a man come before you.

You squint at the unfamiliar figure who seemed to pose no threat, but you remain to keep your guard up.

“Who are you?” you yelled across the alleyway. “It's been awhile, (Y/N),” the shadowy figure speaks. As you make steps toward him you didn't recognize him at first glance, but then when you do… you silently gasp. You couldn't believe your eyes.

This was not who you expected.

“Wonho..?”

[whenthelaughingstops]

My daughter.

I remember when we were first getting serious it was decided that we were to be the couple that does not have kids. We were not kid people. We often told our parents this and they often expressed understanding whilst really being disappointed. More-so from her side because she was the eldest daughter and they really didn’t see the possibility of grandkids coming from their youngest son. 

As the marriage planning progressed, the discussion of kids started to take root. She certainly was starting to feel the natural itch and started seeing the possible window of opportunity closing in, considering that she was starting to get into her 30′s.

If we were to have a kid, this was the right time. The business allowed her to be home, we made a decent living, we were planning on moving to the US and settle in.. and frankly, myself, I too wanted to be a father. Also the prospect of conceiving a child meant the side-benefit of having regular sex.

We had decided to have one child. We began to have unprotected sex even prior to the marriage in hopes that anything could happen. It wasn’t until many months after the marriage, and after a number of attempts, and basal temperature readings, numerous pregnancy tests that we finally got a positive test result. We were going to be parents.

The process of conceiving a child to anyone who is not a teen mom on MTV, is often is a lot of work. It takes planning, it takes calculations, and many months of disappointing results. A period for her was a reminder how she was failing as a woman to conceive. We spent a number of years taking measure to avoid this possible situation from happening and suddenly when we want to, it doesn’t happen immediately. While I always knew eventually we were going to get it done, she began to be worried. She sought help and support again from her friends on Tumblr. Some of these women had been through the same issues as her and I was happy she was seeking advice and support.

After the results were in, I know I was partially relieved, partially scared and partially disappointed. The relief came from knowing that she would no longer be stressed out about the conception, the fear came from the overwhelming realization that my life was soon going to be changing forever, and the disappointment, while petty, was because I knew the fun times we had reconnecting sexually was soon going to come to an end. My duties as a sperm donor were over.

The pregnancy was something of a mix between being unsure, being worried, being scared, being excited and eventually being happy.

She really took to the motherhood role very well, she mildly complained about the lack of wine, and no longer being able to eat sushi, but for the most part she was a great pregnant woman. She wore it like a badge of honour and trust me, if you didn’t move out of her way on the bus, you were going to hear about it.

We started to prepare to become parents, her more-so than me. Mainly because I was still working, and my free time was consumed with taking on the tasks of cleaning and prepping the apartment, and also because she at this point was working from home and spent most of that time diving into either reading about motherhood, or blogging about motherhood and getting the accolades and praise that comes with it.

I brought her to most of her doctor’s appointments. I got to hear the baby’s heartbeat, I got to see our child develop as we went to the ultrasound, and I got to be there when we were told that we were having a girl. This made her extremely happy. We went to birthing classes together and learned a lot about the process. Enough to make the both of us nervous.

Things were going very well until 28 weeks into the pregnancy when she started to have contractions, and we immediately went to the hospital. She was told that there is a possibility that the baby would be coming out pre-term. She was kept overnight for monitoring and pumped with steroids to help progress the baby’s lung development. After 24 hours we were told that the pre-term labour had stopped, and that she could return home but she was considered a high risk pregnancy and was ordered to take it easy from physical activity.

The due date finally came and went, her parents had flown in at this point, to help use out with this new baby and to spend Christmas with us.

I remember the night in December where I was to meet my daughter for the first time very clearly. Our neighbour across the hall from us had come over to enjoy a glass of eggnog and chat. We joked about how funny it would be if this was the night. Two hours after he left, my wife started feeling abdominal pains and she lied down in bed to try and rest it off. Not long after that her water broke. It was time. We already had our bags packed, we piled into into the car (after I put a towel on the passenger seat, I did NOT want to have to clean that up). I remember clearly being at a red light, with not a single car in sight waiting, and I told her, “If there was ever a time where I would be justified for burning a red light it would be this”.. she laughed and just told me to “follow the rules and drive safe”.

We arrived, checked-in and eventually got ourselves into a birthing room. I called her mother to let her know that it was time, she came to the hospital and waited in the living room in less than and hour after the call. She was as excited as I was. 

Two hours into pre-labour she finally got the epidural and we were off to the races. She wasn’t quite fully dilated yet and so it was decided that we would sleep as it was probably 2:00AM at this point. We both went to sleep, her trapped up to a number of monitors and my on a cot in the corner of the birthing room. An amazing nurse stuck around and kept an eye on all the vitals and kept tabs on the contractions that were registering on the monitor. 

I can’t remember how much time went past. The thing about the whole delivery process is that time is irrelevant, you have no concept of time in those rooms, you are just so in the moment, dealing with the tasks at hand that need to be done. However soon enough it was now time to start pushing. We were now entering the intensive labour phase.

The pushing and labour went on for from 1.5 hours. It was long enough that the doctors started to get worried and wanted to consider  birthing intervention. This means either using the vacuum extractor or forceps. This scared my ex immensely and it wasn’t long before she was pushing harder than before and out came my daughter. 

I can’t describe the feeling other than it being a surreal moment of joy, happiness, and fear. Seeing this little child come out, being placed in the arms of her mother, and then being checked and weighed and verified by the amazing staff on hand. The moment I heard her cry I was so smitten. She was beautiful, she was mine.

The only problem here is that the excessive pushing at the end caused a significant amount of tearing. She began to lose blood, and was forced to have a transfusion. After what seemed like an hour of being stitched up, we could finally allow my mother-in-law to come in and see her grand-daughter for the first time. My father-in-law as well had arrived from his flight that morning and also was able to see her. 

We were moved to the post-natal unit and we settled in for that night with our new daughter. I remember I placed her clear plastic bassinet on the floor next to me as I finally got some semblance of sleep, I still I kept looking at her and smiling. I was so worried every time I heard her cry.

Since mom was in recovery at this point I was the man on point, I would wrap her up like a burrito and carry her around the ward if she cried and comforted her all while trying to give mom her much needed recovery and rest.

I was a father, this was me now, this was the best day of my life.

[vdmeganlawsontei]

The Latest in Bitcoin Prediction—what experts expect in 2018

The Latest in Bitcoin Prediction—what experts expect in 2018

With price dips since November 2017, bitcoin prediction is all over the crypto space and mainstream media. Some analysts say the cryptocurrency will scale greater heights while others expect it to fall further.

A few days ago, experts predicted a bull run in 2018, especially after February. Speaking to CNBC, Jamie Burke, CEO of Outlier Ventures, said:

“We believe after February the market will likely go on a bull run comparative if not greater than last year, potentially reaching the trillion-dollar mark before a proper crypto winter sets in where the market becomes more focused on proper market fundamentals.”

With that in mind, this article exposes the minds of top bitcoin experts and investors. Here is what they had to say about bitcoin prediction for 2018.

Brad Garlinghouse (CEO, Ripple) Why he knows bitcoin like his own bedroom

Brad wears several hats, which qualify him as an authority in the bitcoin circles and the crypto space. To begin with, he’s the CEO of Ripple, and a member of the board of management. Before he joined Ripple, Brad was the CEO of Hightail, a file collaborative service. Previously, he held various top positions in multiple companies including AOL, where he was the President of Consumer Applications between 2009 and 2012. At Yahoo!, he held various positions between 2003 and 2009, including Senior Vice President. Other companies he served include Dialpad Communications, SBC Communications, @Home Network, and Silverlake Partners. Currently, Brad is a member of the Board of Directors in various companies such as Animoto, OutMatch, Ancestry.com, and Tonic Health.

His take on bitcoin prediction

With sterling credentials, Brad is of the opinion that 2017 encountered various difficulties in the crypto industry—from ICOs to pricing volatility. However, the CEO of Ripple has a bold bitcoin prediction for what the industry might experience in 2018.

“Bitcoin and Ethereum will see new challengers. Everyone knows bitcoin and Ethereum, but other cryptocurrencies that have real use cases and increased adoption will challenge the status quo.

“Coins without use cases will scramble to find them. CryptoKitties is just the beginning of what will be a series of ridiculous attempts to find a use case for coins that never had a purpose to begin with. Investors will have FOMO. As crypto market caps continue to reach record highs, we’ll see investors jump ship from traditional VC funding to focus entirely on crypto funds.

“One blockchain won’t rule them all. Blockchain and crypto projects that don’t embrace interoperability will fall to the wayside. The ICO bubble will burst. Regulators are already cracking down on ICOs but majority next year we are going to see people go to jail and community backlash as the majority of ICO projects fail to deliver on their promises.”

Peter Vessenes (Co-founder Bitcoin Foundation and Managing Director, New Alchemy) Why he’s qualified to speak on bitcoin prediction

Peter Vessenes is one of the earliest bitcoin enthusiasts, so he knows more about bitcoin than your high school buddy. With deep knowledge in cryptocurrency, tokenization, and the blockchain technology, he is one of the experts whose advice you can take as the gospel truth. Peter has numerous credentials from the founder of the first venture-backed Bitcoin Company to co-founder of Bitcoin Foundation. He was the first person to suggest the idea of pooled bitcoin mining and the first to make public the security risks that brought down the DAO. An alumnus of Brown University, Peter holds a degree in theoretical mathematics.

What he says about bitcoin crystal ball

“I believe tokenization will become more relevant and widely used than bitcoin in the next five years. I was drawn to blockchain technology, particularly the idea of tokenization, because I knew it was going to be a groundbreaking development that would have the potential to disrupt industries and the overall economy.

“I knew it had the potential to be the largest technological shift of this decade. I was intrigued and excited by tokenization’s ability to democratize commerce and finance. I started New Alchemy as a way to further explore the possibilities of tokenization and to aid innovative startups in launching their tokens to best disrupt their industries and bring about the changes needed for the economy to become more inclusive and efficient.

Timothy Tam (Co-founder, CoinFi) Why he knows what he’s talking about

Tim’s career began at Goldman Sachs, where he worked as an analyst dealing with statistical arbitrage and algorithmic trading. From there, Tim moved to Asia, where he worked as a senior trader at two hedge funds—Nezu Asia and Segantii Capital. Both companies were reputable, each managing assets worth more than $1.5 billion.

During his career, Tim was involved in equity trading, foreign exchange, convertible bonds, and equity derivatives in the US and more than 10 Asian countries. Besides, he’s been an astute trader, handling up to $1 billion daily at peak times. Tim was deeply involved in risk management during the 2008 global financial crisis. Currently, he is the co-founder of CoinFi, a market intelligence platform for digital currencies. The platform offers hedge-fund caliber trading tools and analysis.

His words on bitcoin prediction

“Compared to the kind of tools and on-demand financial analysis to which equities traders have access, the cryptocurrency market is drastically underserved. As cryptocurrency heads mainstream—and don’t kid yourself, it absolutely is going mainstream with the recent rollout of futures trading and talk of government regulation—look for an entire industry to spawn around tracking and analyzing the crypto markets. Now that traditional and experienced Wall Street investment bankers are dabbling in crypto, an arsenal of advanced tools, algorithms, and products, including derivatives, is probable.

“But with a surging market comes a dark side. Over the next five years, expect to see cases of fraud arise that aren’t necessarily new to Wall Street but certainly new to the crypto market. Pump and dump schemes and false “flash crashes” will be common until the government is able to sniff out the culprits.”

Sara Rose (Founder, Dmanna) Why she knows more about crypto than your average guy on Facebook

A former chemist, Sara Rose Harcus is a cryptocurrency trader by design. The perpetual entrepreneur is widely published with many of her articles appearing on reputable publications including Fortune, CNN Money, and the Business Insider. Currently, she strives to reduce the worldwide rate of urinary tract infections by half, using her company Dmanna. Her thoughts on bitcoin prediction are worth reading.

Sara’s inside scoop

“Bitcoin, and the blockchain technology it is built on has the potential to change the world. Like many movements that aspire to this, it won’t get there without encountering its share of skeptics, naysayers, and dated economists who think to liken Bitcoin to the Tulip bubble. Bitcoin, and other cryptocurrencies like it, are not a Tulip bubble. People said similar things about the internet.

“It’s a currency that can’t be counterfeited, stolen, or traced. Transactions are instant and secure. It would be foolish to think there’s not a place for this technology in our everyday lives. We just haven’t realized it yet. But Disney has, with their implementation of what is now Daragonchain. And finance has too, with Nasdaq Inc. chomping at the bit to launch Bitcoin futures. Almost every bank is implementing blockchain technology. Goldman Sachs invested over $100 million in it. The country of Tunisia’s national currency is built on the blockchain.

“It won’t be long before we’re using bitcoin to buy through online payment processors like PayPal. By 2023 you’ll be able to purchase gas at the convenient store with your bitcoins. Maybe in 2027, the naysayers will subside. Bitcoin will be worth over $100k per coin by the time that happens. Until then, HODL.”

Kristoffer Nelson Why he knows what he’s talking about

Founding member of BIGtoken, Kristoffer is also the COO of SRAX (www.bigtoken.com). With diverse professional experience, he is an authoritative voice in the fields of media and technology. Besides, Kristoffer is enthusiastic about team, product, and partnership development. He also creates awe-inspiring customer experiences. He has held various senior positions in reputable companies including Connexion Technologies where he was the Director of Training. He also served as the Lead Consultant and Project Manager for two companies—Living Full Blast Inc. and Pacific Integral. At SRAX, Kristoffer’s creative ability has led to noticeable growth in sales, products, and the overall team.

His thoughts on bitcoin prediction

“Many compare this to the rise of the internet and web. Late November 2017, bitcoin hit $10,000. Similarly, in November 1995, another new and small startup skyrocketed after going public in August. Netscape went public on August 9, 1995 with a price of $28.00. Before the day closed, the price went to $74.75, and closed at $58.25. Netscape broke $100 in November and went on to skyrocket to $174 by the end of that year. This catapulted the Nasdaq and drove massive economic gain for five years.

“Bitcoin hitting $10,000 was our Netscape moment. Adam Lashinksy said, “Netscape mesmerized investors and captured America’s imagination. More than any other company, it set the technological, social, and financial tone of the internet age.” Bitcoin is capturing the imagination and driving enthusiasm.

“In 2000, the dotcom bubble burst and it took Nasdaq to recover. However, we were left with Amazon, Google, AOL, MSN, Yahoo, and many of the building blocks that make up our world today. The Nasdaq again is reaching new highs and breaking new records. Blockchain and crypto is in its infancy. We’re driving up the hype cycle. The bubble will likely burst. But what will come of that is the value human enthusiasm creates.

“In addition, ICOs have replaced a large portion of early stage investment vehicles for tech vehicles for tech and e-commerce business. Deal flow has had a massive slow down for early stage firms, which will need to shift to later stage investments to survive. At the same, the size of ICOs is typically, at least, 5 to 10 times that of early stage investments, for the need for a later stage, capital has lessened.

“But the street goes both ways. Given the capital opportunities with ICOs, which require blockchain and token tech, there will be an overall shift to blockchain and token-friendly businesses. Investment vehicles for cryptocurrencies and crypto derivatives will be available for traditional banks and retail investment firms. This will move a lot of capital into crypto while challenging traditional investment vehicles.”

Join the conversation over at Telegram (https://t.me/coinstaker)

Featured Image from CoinTelegraph, other images courtesy of Medium Digest

Author info

Tony is a writer for the crypto space. He presents cryptocurrency and blockchain topics to the public in a way that he only can. While carefully researched, this article should not be taken as an express investment guide. Do your own research and consult a financial advisor before you invest in cryptocurrency.

http://ift.tt/2sjELAC

[topicprinter]

Hey there! My name is Gary Nealon.Little bit about myself - I’m an entrepreneur and have built several companies. Some successful, some not. And I think that’s pretty important to mention because in the world of entrepreneurship, failure is all part of the game, right? After declaring bankruptcy on my first company, I picked myself back up and started again.This time, I was determined to hack the kitchen industry. Sounds crazy, right? It was right before HGTV and the DIY Network really became popular. Lots of people were selling kitchens, for obvious reasons. We’ve needed kitchens (in some form) since the stone age. I kept noticing that many of these companies had websites but all required the buyer to go into a store or call someone to discuss design. There was no point, click, buy a kitchen online option.So I created one. Happy to share that we’re now 10 years in and last year we did $30M in sales and this year, we’re on track to have our best year yet and looking to do $40M in sales. This would not have been possible without mentors, colleagues and friends sharing what worked for them, what didn’t work, testing, reiterating, testing again, reiterating again. You know the drill.I have been grateful for every entrepreneur who has shared with me and given back to me, so I wanted to do the same and share a Facebook strategy that has worked incredibly well for my ecommerce biz. And no - there’s no strings attached here. Not selling my services. Not selling a product or download. Just a firm believer that giving back is important.A lot of us are using Facebook business pages to grow our business and a lot of us are getting screwed (for lack of a better word) by the algorithms in place. I figured out a fantastic way to hack it. And I get asked about it all the time, which is why, when a friend mentioned he’s been sharing his best practices, strategies and lessons here, I thought - why not?Oh and I’ll be monitoring this thread. Drop your questions and I promise to get back to you.OK - How Did I Get This Crazy Idea to Leverage Coffee?Love coffee? Me too. Who doesn’t? Coffee plays a pretty huge role in our society, but unless you’re a barista or coffee roaster, if your business isn’t coffee beans, it may be a weird concept to use it for marketing. Yes, espressos will help get you moving, but if you’re selling gardening supplies or pools, coffee likely isn’t part of your sales dialogue, right?So what if I told you that I used a love of coffee (and gardening, and cooking) to grow my company RTA Cabinet Store to over $30M in sales and create an audience no competitor could ever touch? That last part - about the audience NO competitor could ever touch? That is even MORE powerful than 8 figures in sales. Trust me.Staying Ahead of the CompetitionIt’s inevitable that your competition will be watching everything you do. That’s why they’re your competition. For us, the competition began watching us like hawks five years ago. At the time, we were small, but we were mighty, growing steadily each month.Of course, as a result of our success, our competition was watching us extra closely. Soon we noticed that the cost of the keywords we were targeting were rising exponentially. We quickly discovered that our competitors had caught on to what we were doing and were copying our ads word for word.We were frustrated, obviously, but we knew we had to do something and fast if we were going to stay ahead of them and keep the customers we’d worked hard to secure. It was this sense of panic and urgency, to save our audience, that helped us develop a pretty nifty little Facebook marketing strategy that saved the day (and grew our business).There’s Got to be a Better WayOnce the anger subsided, we got serious about finding a better way to identify our customers, engage with them, and keep them. To date, we’d set such a wide net, we were really targeting anyone and everyone. Everybody needs a kitchen, right?Upon diving deeper this time around, we actually discovered that we had 4-5 very specific customer profiles. This realization, meant a shift in everything. It changed how we marketed, what sales copy we used, and how we targeted our customers. It also meant that we took a look for the first time at what hobbies and interests our customers share. Not surprisingly, a lot of them loved coffee. After a few cups of our own coffee, we had a thought.What if we could reach our audience on social around a shared passion?Ditching Branded for PersonalTo refocus our attention and energy on subject matters our customers actively care and talk about, we got started by creating Facebook pages focused on their hobbies and interests. This meant creating pages about gardening, cooking, and you guessed it - coffee. Despite Facebook’s low organic reach, we were pleasantly surprised when we began seeing audience engagement on these pages.We really didn’t want the momentum to stop, so we decided it was time to invest some money. We began by allocating $500-1000 per page and doing $10 boosts to posts that were getting a lot of engagement. By developing our new customer profiles earlier, we had excellent demographics that allowed us to target by age, gender, other pages they like, and location.By focusing on personalized, human approaches, we were able to quickly reach 60k followers per page.Consistency is EverythingOnce things got personal, we knew we needed to keep the engagement going, which meant consistency and frequency were key.Here’s how we ensured we were always on track and how you can too:-- We posted 3-4 times a day with content that we knew would interest our target audience.-- We chose fun content that we knew our audience would share. We used memes, videos and funny images.-- We identified 2-3 posts per week with strong engagement each week and we boost them in $10 increments.This process will not only increase your organic reach, it will allow you to target folks outside of your current page followers and bring in new followers with content you already know shareable. It sounds easy, right? Because it is.The Invite to Like HackNext we suggest a little hack that has done big things for our company. We were actively putting money into boosting our posts, but we realized the key to maximizing the ROI on this investment was through the Invite to Like option that many have never even heard of. Whenever you boost a post, click through to see who liked your post.What you’ll see next is a little gold mine of potential audience members and customers who liked your post but haven’t yet liked your page. BAM. This number is often large, especially if you’ve put ad dollars behind it, so take advantage of these potential customers by inviting them to like your page.Until you’ve hit 100,000 followers, Facebook won’t stop you from inviting these people to like your page. This strategy allowed us to grow a number of pages by several hundred followers a day, simply because we invited people who liked our posts to do so. To date, we’ve built up an audience of over 1.5 million people in our target audience that we now have a relationship with.NEXT! Monetizing Your Facebook FollowersAs humans in a digital age - we all feed off likes on social media. As a business owner, our likes are only as good as our ability to monetize them. As much as we love our Facebook pages and are thankful for the power they provide, we strongly believe that you should connect with your audience on multiple platforms. We never know when a platform could cease to exist or change their terms of service and leave you out in the cold.Once we built our following over a love of coffee, gardening, and more, next came the strategy to get them off Facebook. And yes, you read that correctly. We did spend a lot of money to get them on Facebook, only to now pull them onto other channels.We began by creating content that would interest our followers such as recipes and guides and turned them into downloadable content. We made these downloads free and in exchange, followers would provide their email address to receive their copy. This gave us hundreds and thousands of potential customers email addresses, which allowed us to pull them off Facebook and onto our mailing list. We could then create custom audiences on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram to target them to other platforms, in addition to sending them direct emails.Boom!With our new captive audience of our target market, whenever we had a sale or new product, we could run ads to them and our competition was none the wiser. By linking ad accounts, we were able to run ads to this audience as RTA Cabinet Store, without these potential customers knowing it’s coming from a page about coffee that they follow.In a sale we did over the holidays, we were able to increase our numbers to seven figures with a 40% decrease in CPA.Creating Additional Revenue StreamsWhat happened next was even crazier (and totally unplanned.)These pages we’d created were growing so rapidly, we were actually able to set up additional revenue streams for them. Each got their own blog where we continued to create content we knew our fans would love and share. This generated new advertising opportunities and our mailing lists continued to grow even further.Soon we were spinning off entirely new businesses like Pure Taste Recipes, as a result.Each page got its own sponsored posts for non-competing products that generate monthly revenue for us. This has allowed us to identify trending products in each niche that we can actually sell direct for an additional revenue stream and get the customers into our buying cycle. What we quickly realized was that rather than creating new products and then trying to find an audience for them, we could just create the audience first and then figure out exactly what they were interested in and source that. Wouldn’t it be nice to launch a new product and instantly have an audience that is looking for it?Always Think Outside the BoxFive years ago, we were facing a lot of uncertainty on how to keep our customers safe from the competition. We could have easily called it a day and accepted that competition is all part of the game. Instead, we took a step back and got creative.That creativity has helped us become what we are today and it contributed to over $25M in sales last year (we are on track to do close to $40M this year!).If you’re in an oversaturated market or think your product won’t cut it against the competition, don’t give up just yet. Here’s a quick summary of how you too can think outside the box and stay ahead of your competitors.Get to know your customers. For real. Don’t assume you know who they are and what they like. Do the research. Have some fun on Facebook. Build pages around your customer’s hobbies and interests. Remember to keep it non-branded, that’s the secret sauce. Share a lot of content. Shoot for 3-4 posts a day on your page and put ad dollars behind posts that do well. Leverage the Invite to Like. Invite to Like often. Sync your page(s)’s ad accounts with your main business account. Get ready to take it to the next level. Create ebooks, guides, downloads, contests etc. that will allow you to get your page followers’ email addresses. Grow your community by creating custom audiences with your new mailing lists on other social channels. Monetize the heck out of your community.When I say it’s that easy, it really can be. Yes, growing additional Facebook Pages can be time consuming and require a lot of attention, but the potential sales you could be generating make it totally worth it.I’d love to hear from all of you - have you tried something similar? How have you leveraged Facebook to grow your customer base?And again - seriously, drop questions below. I’m excited to hear what you have to say and see how I can help!Gary

[thefalsedeath-blog]

My MI story

I was a late bloomer so why shouldn’t my mental illness be any different?

I don’t remember exactly when I first became depressed but I believe it started late in high school and got exceedingly worse in college. I had never really been away from home but college was my only ticket out of a small hometown.

What I thought was normal college behavior may have been the beginning of my mania. I was usually a rambunctious and outspoken person but struggled to find a place to “fit in” while in college. I literally picked my major blindly and although I liked my classes just fine, I was never really comfortable with it. I was an outsider and wasn’t raised to be in the Ag industry like all my classmates. I had no idea what I wanted to do then and I’m still that way at 38 years old. The binge drinking….random hook-ups…nothing was fulfilling. I remember coming home on breaks, sneaking a cigarette from Mom and sitting on the back porch while rocking back and forth while telling myself I’m useless and life was worthless. I was 20 years old when this started.

I didn’t date much and never had a boyfriend in college until I met someone long distance at the end of my junior year. It was long distance. We spoke a lot, chatted online, and saw each other every few months. It was going ok until my last semester. I was looking for jobs in his area because there was nothing for him where I was. Nothing panned out job wise so I took the only job I was offered…at a game company. I was getting ready to graduate in December 1999 but that October before, my boyfriend disappeared from my life. One day we were chatting and the next, he was gone. No calls, emails, nothing. His parents always had an excuse as to why he couldn’t come to the phone and he wouldn’t respond to anything. It crushed me and ruined my graduation. I thought perhaps he would still come and surprise me…but nothing.

I started my job right after New Years and hated it. I cried every morning for 6 months because I was so unhappy going there but I had student loan responsibilities that my mother wouldn’t let me forget. They didn’t know what to do with me so I was basically a jack of all trades. It wasn’t until August of that year (2000) that I heard from the boyfriend. He couldn’t explain why he went silent but after some long phone calls, I gave him another chance. It didn’t last 4 months before I ended it. We had been friends ever since then. Kept in touch and always loved each other but realized it just wasn’t meant to be.

That should have been a sign of things to come-a pattern that would consistently repeat itself. I fall in love and give all of myself and then they disappear/give up.

After 2 years, I decided to move to Chicago for someone else I was dating long distance. I left my job and moved in with him. I started temping and that led to a permanent position. However, the better I did, the worse “we” did. He could only work retail and I became the mother in the relationship. Paying for everything while he spent his money on being the “life of the party” and on whatever he felt like. Then I became pregnant in 2003. It was an easy decision to abort and have no regrets to this day but I believe that it made my depression worsen and I began medicating at this time.

We broke up after I returned from a business trip and he made it clear that we were no longer intimate because I had gained weight. Not only was he short with terrible acne but his teeth were a mess! He was also an illegal immigrant. Months later after I moved out, I received a call from the police telling me that he has been hit by a car and was at the emergency room. I left work to go see him as I was listed as his ER contact. I was there for his surgery, I took him home and got up every 4 hours to give him meds, clean him, feed him etc until he was able to go back home. Later, I was accused of trying to interfere in his relationships and we stopped contact. Although I resent him for making me feel awful about myself, he also opened my eyes to a lot of new things-for that I am grateful.

It was throughout this time that I began to put on a mask and absorb myself into how others were. Their interests were mine…I was pliable. If I didn’t agree with them, I WAS wrong and made to feel stupid because of it. I was a naïve conservative girl living in a very open minded city. You can imagine how that feels…still being the outsider.

Between 2004 and 2006 I continued to run up credit card debt, started to sleep around, and generally begin my downward slide. I was trying different anti-depressants and even tried to see a shrink but nothing was helping me. I contracted HPV and went through several procedures to remove cancerous cells from my cervix due to my promiscuity.

I met someone online in late 2005 and he immediately pushed us into a relationship and I moved in within 5 months. After 1.5 years of always being wrong and stupid, he began sleeping with someone else but was accusing me of it. I became crazy with jealousy and snooped all over to find the proof that HE was cheating and when I found it, he denied it and made me believe I was crazy and making it all up.

I took a leave of absence from my job for 5 weeks to come home and get therapy. I wasn’t eating, sleeping, crying all the time and was like that for months. This was my first breakdown. I still hate him to this day and wouldn’t piss on him if he were on fire.

Once I moved back to the Chicago area, I again began dating/sleeping around as a means to feel worthy/wanted. I was also still fighting the lingering effects of my HPV and the shame I felt.

In 2009, I met a wonderful guy that had his shit together and I moved in with him 6 months later. My family liked him and he was a balance to my high-strung, worrisome ways. However, I again became the Mom and took care of the house and all the cleaning. He would come home, pop open a beer, and drink till he passed out. He never missed a day of work though….he was a functional alcoholic. He wasn’t mean, abusive, or evil in any way. He was just there. While with him, my work life began to crumble and I was becoming more and more anxious. I would have depressive episodes more frequently where I just couldn’t get out of bed. (these episodes started in 2003). There would be days that I just laid in bed crying and he had no idea how to help. He suggested that I leave my job as the stress was getting to me and I was coming home crying and almost violent with rage. I left my job in May 2010 and took the summer off (I had saved up). I got a job in late October and was let go in Jan. 2011. It was then that I began to look out of state for a job and that’s when I landed in Ohio. He was supposed to sell the house and come with me after a 6 month trial but that never happened. It was a good thing because I had fallen out of love with him before I even left Chicago. He treated me like a queen and I have no ill words for him…we just weren’t compatible in the long run. We became good friends instead of lovers.

Shortly after my breakup, I went online again to meet new people as my new job was nothing but new college grads or established soccer Mom/Dads that had never left the Dayton area. Once again, I’m a transplant that doesn’t fit in. I also quickly discover that my job is a dead-end and a VERY poorly run department with nothing but drama. One year and 5 months into the new job, I meet Jamie*. He wasn’t tied to Dayton and neither was I. I was actually looking for a job in England by this time. He was a frequent mover and was passing through his home state. We didn’t expect to meet each other and find what we wanted. It just sort of happened.

Jamie was very open about being ex Air Force with head injuries, epilepsy, and Bipolar. I didn’t shun…I began to ask questions and do research on it. I wanted to know all I could so that I could be supportive and understanding. We had similar taste in music, politics, TV shows. He was so interesting to me with his travels and stories. He (just like my 1st ex in Chicago) was a completely different world and I was starving to hear all I could. I began watching more of his TV interests, reading more about what he would talk about etc…again; I was diving into HIS life. Things were rocky because our communication was rough to begin with. Lots of misunderstandings and I was still looking for another job. However, it only took me 3 months to fall completely in love with him. In August of 2013, I had severe withdrawal from 2 missed doses of my antidepressant. I was crying uncontrollably, shaking, hallucinating, suicidal and generally in a bad way. He took care of everything…called the Dr., my work. It was then that I was certain I had found a keeper. I also began therapy at this time because the withdrawal scared me and I had to face up to the fact that something else was wrong. It was at this time that the term bipolar was 1st brought up to me. He claimed Lithium as his savior…my family insisted I wasn’t bipolar, just depressed.

Soon after this episode, I was offered a job in Kansas City but with my recent breakdown, I didn’t feel mentally up to a move and starting a department from scratch. I didn’t have the self esteem then (and still don’t) and he wasn’t interested in moving with me. We had a terrible fight and things ended. He left the country for 6 weeks and I went back to “dating” while he was away.

When he came back, it was Thanksgiving and I had him over to meet my Mom because he had no family around here (none that he was close to). We had a great time and after that, it was like our relationship/communication just flipped. We were getting along and everything was wonderful. Around Christmas time, we began again as a couple.

Anytime he was sick, I was there to help…anytime he wanted, I gave him space. I did all I knew to be supportive of his conditions. I was tracking what meds he could/couldn’t take so that someone had a record. He was a loner and often stated how his friends never cared/took an interest in his life or his condition. It was at this time that I stopped therapy. I didn’t feel I was getting anywhere and she was beginning to push “faith” on me.

Then in July 2014, his ex step daughter was getting married and he asked me to go. She asked me to be her personal attendant. I left a business trip early to go be with him and help her. This was the first “family” member that was really close to him that I was meeting and I thought it was a good sign. He went in a few days earlier and was under a lot of stress to get her situated and caught up on housework (she’s not a home-maker, he is very orderly). His sleeping was off and I could tell that he was getting ready for a seizure any time. On our way back to the airport to leave after the wedding, he was telling a story while we were eating in Panera. I was having a hard time following him because he was confusing some names and he became very agitated and began screaming at me. This was the first time I had become the target. He threatened to leave me in Iowa and called me a fucking bitch. I was hysterical with sadness and called my Mom and she was scared and wanted me to just stay away from him. We didn’t speak until 4 days later because I didn’t know where we stood.

He was my absolute best friend and I felt like I could actually be myself for once. I was able to let go of the guard and not feel judged all the time for saying whatever was on my mind. It could be hateful, racist, and he would just laugh…I didn’t feel threatened.

In August, as we were getting back on track, he announced that he was looking at houses in Florida (he also decided to stop his Lithium). He wanted to be near water and warm weather (his mood was affected by weather). Thing is, he never asked me to go with him, what I thought about the move…nothing. He asked me about the houses he was looking at but not in a way that was planning a future for “us”. It was all about him. At this point, I was having major ups and downs and was dealing with a decision of whether to have a procedure to help some period issues I was having. If I did the surgery, then kids were never going to be in my future. With him having had a vasectomy, I wasn’t bothered because we weren’t going to have kids anyway.

His move was coming up and after telling him I loved him and wanted to go with him, he wouldn’t definitively say Yes or No to my joining him so I was confused and living in limbo. I made him promise not to move before my surgery in October. He ended up leaving a week before and 2 days after my surgery, I was on a business trip to L.A.

I spoke with him briefly during that trip but I was all over the place in meetings and was dealing with some complications from the surgery. When I got back, I got immediately ill for 2 weeks with bronchitis. I completely lost my voice and was off of work. I was depressed beyond anything before. He accused me of giving him the silent treatment and told me goodbye via email. I literally couldn’t speak… I wouldn’t eat, shower, slept all the time (when I could stop coughing). I was missing so much work and didn’t care. Thanksgiving came and went and that’s when I called my Dad and told him I couldn’t cope anymore and needed help. At the beginning of December 2014, he drove up to help me put a plan together. He was also very sick with a head cold and although I was getting my voice back, I was still coughing a lot.

Jamie and I were emailing a bit during this time and he let it slip that he was going back to Europe once again for the holidays. His ex’s family is family to him and he was going back to see them again because they were “begging” him….whatever.

This sent me over the edge and while my Dad was sleeping in my room, I crawled into a ball on my steps, cried hard and decided I had enough. I grabbed all the pills I could find and researched what dosage I could take to make me die. I wrote my wishes on a note, took a mixture of Percocet and a muscle relaxer and went to sleep. It didn’t work and I woke up to my Dad in my kitchen. I slurred that he needed to get me to the hospital or I was going to swallow the rest of the pills.

I felt nauseous and staggered to the sink when I passed out. I awoke to a cop over me asking me if I was trying to hurt myself.  I was hospitalized, then sent to a MI ward for 3 days and immediately started seeing a Nurse Practitioner and Therapist. (I begged for a Psychiatrist).  Jamie called me while I was in the hospital ICU and I admitted to what I did. It seems like it was all about him but everything that has been going in since 1999 was leading up to this.

7 months later, my ex from D.C. has disappeared just like he did in 2000. No explanation or anything…just gone. I confided in him about Jamie and my suicide attempt in December. He promised to be my friend and help me through it. I even scheduled an all day layover to spend with him in February of 2015 but again, he is just gone.

After going to spend 10 days with James in March 2015, I was feeling good about being friends. We were intimate yes but I made it very clear why I was sleeping with him. He had begun dating someone. He doesn’t understand why I can’t bear to hear about him fucking someone new.

Therapy with a “grief counselor” got me nowhere…it wasn’t about my past and patterns, it was all about grieving a break-up to her.

I quit my job in June 2015 because I couldn’t keep it together….my meds worsened my anxiety to the point where I couldn’t sit and concentrate. I ended up in the ER earlier that June because of the reaction to my BP meds. I’d had 1 good week in 10 months and felt worthless, alone, and fake the rest of the time.

 I spent a year living with my Dad, jobless and trying to regroup. It started out with the all day sleeping, not eating, just miserable. Slowly I began to emerge after a change in my meds. Almost a year to the day, I moved back home to be closer to a larger support system.

 It’s now August 2017 and although I am functioning much better, it’s like December 2014 and everything before and everything I told my friend and family wasn’t ever said.

 If I told my family I had XYZ cancer, I’m sure they would research it. Telling them that I am BP II falls on deaf ears. It’s not a disease that is treated by your regular doctor, it’s not something like a cold. It’s EVERYDAY and it’s ALL THE TIME-Chronic! But it’s easy to forget about because if you’re smiling then everything is OK! I continue to be fake and out of place. And although it’s not cancer, it’s just as deadly.

 *Names were changed