#i know he cant control his anxiety but man im so tired of staying in the house

[the209social]

Feelings

12:00am 05.04.2020

I’ve never been the greatest person at controlling my feelings. Especially when i like someone. After i tell a guy that i have feelings for him, I tend to make things complicated and awkward when he doesn’t reciprocate. I have a difficult time separating friendship from love when i fall in love with someone. This doesn’t happen very often because I guard my heart very much. It’s been broken so many times, yet sometimes i wonder if i was the cause of all those heart aches. Could i have spared all those tears by simply changing the way i reacted or looked at the situation, when a guy didn’t feel the same love for me?

I recently confessed my love to a man that i had fallen very much in love with. He’s a very good friend of mine and i developed feelings for him as time passed. I’ve never fallen in love for a man like him. He has a lot of qualities that i see potential in as a long term relationship. Don’t get me wrong, he also has his defects, and many of them, but i look past them because of the love i feel for him. It’s never easy telling someone you love them and opening up your heart and soul. There are a lot of factors that prevent us from telling someone we love them. Years ago i learned that keeping your feelings in only hurts yourself. We are afraid that the friendship will change and things will become awkward or they will stop talking to us. It’s not easy opening up, especially when you are very close. 

Well if you’re wondering if he felt the same way for me after i bared my soul in a long 3 page letter, the answer is no. I got a really dry text stating, he would rather keep our friendship the way it was. Those were very hard words to hear, yet this time around i didn’t take the rejection to the heart. My worry wasn’t that he did not feel the same for me. My true worry was that he would feel uncomfortable and start pulling away. I value his friendship so much that i was terrified of losing it more than anything. I accepted his answer and respected his wishes. Recently i was able to hang out with him and his friends. I was able to be around him and honestly put my feelings aside. I didn’t find it difficult to be in the same space with him. I must admit that it brings me joy to still have him as a friend. The way i process things has grown very much. I didn’t always process things so simply. I use to let it affect me and my mental health. Usually i would be in tears, heart broken because this guy, that i love so much doesn’t love me in return. Now that i look back, i find it a bit ridiculous.

I came to the realization that there is no way you can make someone love you. You could literally be the only person in their life that cares for them and they will still not see your value as a potential love interest. This is where having control over your emotions comes into play. I remember how i would always tell Romeo how much i loved him but he wanted to keep the relationship as a “friends with benefits,” kind of deal. I would always get sad, cry and get depressed. He had a diamond (me), but he was scared of its worth and found more value in simple rocks. My mistake was being so damn adamant in wanting him to love me. I should have just simply offered him a friendship with no benefits and things would have been better between us. So when i confessed my love to my new dear friend and he did not reciprocate, i said to myself, “i rather still have his friendship than lose this man that has been there for me in many areas of my life, as i have also been there for him.” This time around i told my broken heart, “its okay, you will fall in love again.”

There is only one thing that has been bothering me so much. Before i told him how i felt i noticed that he has stopped texting and calling me about a week prior. He took longer to answer text messages and he was short and rude in the way he replied. I didn’t pay much attention at first. I did notice that he was going out more with a group of friend that he has, but i didn’t think that was odd at first. Then one of his friends told me that he had moved in with this group of friends and it all made sense to me. Before he was living there, he would text or call me a couple of times a week and ask if we could hang out. Not only was i happy that he wanted to spend time with me because of the way i felt for him, but simply because i enjoyed his company very much. We would bake cookies and watch movies, have sleep overs (as friends) go hiking, go out to eat. He always called or texted. Now that he’s permanently with his other friends i guess he no longer has a need for Me. The last time he invited me to do anything was on his birthday, about a week ago, but before that he hadn’t text me for almost two weeks. Days have gone by and i don’t know anything about my dear friend. Maybe, even though, he said that he wanted to stay friends, at the end of the day he felt weirded out by me. I worry so much for him because i can see him make small bad decisions after another. Yet i said to myself, i’m not his keeper or guardian, he has to learn on his own and i’m not his savior. That was something that was hard to accept, because when you love someone so much and care for their existence so much, you want to see them prosper and make the right choices.

But i’m also tired of being so available for these guys that use me while their lives are a mess and once things look good and life going well for them they turn their backs on me. Romeo and Damian (also known as Habibi) played me and tossed me out like an old rag, and now my dear friend seems to be doing the same as well. I miss my friend. He was truly like my best friend to me. We did almost everything together. To be honest, when he told me he only wanted to be my friend, i set all those feelings that caused me to love him aside and crumbled them up and tossed them out the window before it was too late and i couldn’t change the way i felt for him. That doesn’t mean that i don’t worry, but when i go on social media and i see that his friends post him it makes me a bit jealous, (not in a romantic way.) Im jealousy stems from when he’s been down and out, and cant find solace in his life, i have been there to hold his hand and give him a shoulder to cry on, two loving arms to hold him from breaking. Meanwhile these friends barely gave a fuck, yet they have more importance. Can it be because i don’t party every night and offer him alcohol? Because that the one thing he said he wanted to get away from and change, yet there he is, somehow back in that mess. Am i over reacting? My gut feelings tells me no and my gut has never been wrong. Anyways, i decided that i’m always the one reaching out. When i was talking to Damian i was the one who constantly attempted to set up times to met and hang out, (that 99.9% of them never happened.) I learned so much about valuing myself from him. I said never again. Damian and i are friends now. Yes i invite him over to social gatherings at my place but i learned to only invite once and let go. As for my dear friend, i decided that i’m not reaching out for him. Not because of pride, but simply because i am valuable and he needs to understand that. Every morning i wake up wanting to text him, “i miss you friend 😞” and i stop myself. I have already proved to him that i love him with all my heart and soul, and that i’m also a faithful friend willing to bend over backwards for him. If he wants to throw it all away for god knows what reason, then i can’t stop him. I honestly believe that losing his friendship would hurt more than him not loving me in return. 

Time will only tell, but in the mean time my dear friend is constantly on my mind. I worry about him a lot and my family is constantly asking about him, because they like him. Friends that we have in common also ask me about him and all i can reply to them is “i don’t know.” That is honestly the saddest answer i have ever give about a person, and it breaks me. On a positive note i have been channeling my feelings into a more healthy lifestyle. A couple days ago i got so drunk, among other things that i’m not very proud of, and the next morning my mind couldn’t cope with the downer i was having. I had a full anxiety and panic attack just thinking of my friend, my past, my feeing. I wanted to rip out of my skin and run away. I hadn’t had anxiety like that since my time with Romeo. So i decided that at the moment i want to give up alcohol and any substances that alter my way of feeling. I need to be in control, now more than ever. I decided to work on my health and get back to my 2013 body. I plan on doing it in a more slowly and healthy way. There are still many things on my mind. I worry about my dear friend all the time, but now i just don’t let it bother me. I’m sure my friend will reach out at one point. Let’s just hope he doesn’t take too long and i that i don’t reach a “i don’t care” level like i did with Romeo and Damian, because there is no turning back after that. 

1:02am 05.08.2020 (took me a while to write this one, i was battling with all the emotions that live inside my mind and soul)

[monsterloveday]

Your grief is depressing me.

I have no idea how people will feel reading this, but ultimately I want to because  death is such a taboo subject - its avoided so much that I don't think we do ourselves any favours by avoiding it. After all, if you haven't already been through it, you will at some point. (You know what they say, you can never avoid death or taxes).

Although nothing will ever prepare you for it, I do believe we should give lee way for the people who do want to speak out on it, as it was from going through grief myself, I noticed how so many people tried to silence me due to their own fear / awkwardness / attitude towards it - this is not fair nor is it healthy. Its also a really shitty treatment towards grieving people. I feel that it is such a painful subject that we seem to fear the thought of it (and rightly so), but, I feel we do need to speak on it more - whether you have been through it or not.  This isn't to say that death should be spoken of all the time as that of course would be draining, but I do fear there are many ‘unwritten rules’ on this, one example being that you are ‘bringing people down’ or that people wont want to hear it or know what to say and you can understand that and appreciate that to a point.

But really, pretending death doesn't happen or locking those thoughts away probably don't help individuals when a loved one does actually pass away. I feel it is something us humans have to try and learn to be more open about, to not be afraid to bring it up, accept and perhaps educate ourselves on. When dad was having his last days (as horrendous as they were), I almost feel like I can say that the aftermath of death is actually worse (or maybe just as bad), that it is probably worse for the people who witness the death, over the person who is actually dying. People think that even with death ‘Time is a healer’, I even remember thinking to myself that at the year mark point, I would probably be so much better.

How naive I was. Grief has no expiry date. There is no ‘getting over it’. I feel just as bad now as I did then, and I wonder just how long this will be with me, I then fret that I will always carry this, as like I mention before, there is no ‘Light at the end of the tunnel’ with death. That person has gone, that theyre absence is so loud, it is a constant reminder, its massive, dark and noticable, and that the fact they have died will always, always, always be shit and nothing will change that. Im just telling it like it is.  Since then I look at the rest of my family, friends, and even my dog and worry about how bad it will be WHEN (not if) WHEN other loved ones die. That I have to do this again, and again, many more times. It makes me want to vomit. It makes me want to die first to avoid it. It makes me not like life at all. The world has become a very scary place now, how it snatches anyone it wants, and you are left to deal with that, and live a life knowing that that hangs over you all the time, yet you are expected to just ‘carry on’. At the time I remember seeing a gif of a monster hovering over a man walking up the stairs  - he knew it was there, lurking, waiting for the right moment, an extended version of waiting for the axe to fall. This is exactly how I felt. It. is. Awful. I remember being at dads side all day, at every minute looking at him and my heart pounding, checking if he was still breathing, wondering “is he dead?!”. Seeing my once strong dad now with all sorts of shit in his arms, his face, and everywhere else, not even able to open his eyes, the sounds of the machines trying to help him breathe - gah. Fuck that memory. And then going home to an empty house. My sister was with her other half, my brother his, my mum staying with dad (and rightly so). I had to walk past dads room, his belongings became SO noticeable, that even the sight of them scared me. How different this house was now. I was alone in a house that used to be my family home, now it was a house filled with horrors that reminded you of what was about to be taken away, how just a few weeks before he was in this house - not about to die. I remember wondering what I had done to deserve this, to watch my dad slowly die all day and night and have to come home alone. I wanted to be held. I wanted to be held so tight that it knocked me out. I kept all the lights on and I rang my friend who has also lost her dad and stayed on the phone to her until I fell asleep. I never forget friends like that. It was the worst. It was hell - but it wasn't a case of I was owed bad karma, its that life can be cruel, and it can be cruel to ANYONE. Not just me. And that ultimately - death is a part of life. When he died, after 10 long days of waiting for it to happen, I couldn't deal how people looked at me awkwardly, that I was the elephant in the room, that it is said that talking about things will help but yet when you try and open up peoples body language scream “I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU”, the looks on their faces, the silence. Not only that most of the people around me hadn't lost anyone, so they didn't get it, but that my grief was actually making THEM feel awkward or that they didnt really want to speak to me. Some friends didn't even bother to contact me and said “ I didn't think you would want to come out”. It all added to my isolation. To this day I still don't talk to close friends or even my family about it, how death has taken such a massive characteristic from me - expression. Its taken so much of me. And people don't know what to say. That is not an attack or criticism, because its not a popular topic, and people avoid it like the plague. And rightly so, because its depressing. But this is why I wanted to write about it, I feel that if talking of death wasn't so taboo, It would help people for when they are actually going through it, or even in the smallest way, help them accept or prepare for an inevitable death, theres no ‘How To’ on death and for me personally, not having addressed death before - it really kicked my ass (and still is to this day) when it did arrive - after all, everyone goes through it at some point in their lives. Soon people see it as old news’ (especially after the funeral - how ghastly funerals are) and assume you must be ‘better’ now. It really doesn't work like that. Its ongoing. The heart specialist that saw dad through his last days told us himself that life is much harder after the funeral - this made me dread and dread and dread the funeral so much. But he was so right. Every day was so scary, dreadful and just black. It really does feel like you are in a out of body experience, that your mind just cant handle what is going on, so it shuts itself down and blocks things out whichever way it can, for some its denial, shock, its like your in a never ending nightmare and you just want to wake up. Soon after, my sister announced her pregnancy and I freaked.the.hell.out. I couldn't deal with all this massive change in my family in a tiny amount of time, what If I never see her now?, she will have her own family and we will be forgotten?!, that dad just missed it! what if what if what if?!!?. I ate and ate my way through these situations, I couldn't control or be disciplined at such a bad time in my life, the weight piled on and so did the depression - but this decision to eat has made things so much worse - but I still wouldn't have been able to do it any other way. I had a breakdown and that very morning took myself to the doctor. I couldn't deal and I wanted pills to take me out of this, at any cost. I wanted to be drugged at the highest level. Just take it away. Pills. They were not my friend. This in itself will be another blog as I want to stay focused on this topic. But in short, my health went to shit. My confidence was dropping and dropping and dropping. I stopped sculpting, I stopped art, I stopped ukulele, I stopped cooking. I stopped dating. I stopped singing, I stopped trying. My labido completely vanished. I didn't feel like a human anymore, I couldn't give love and I couldn't receive it. I was just a thing with skin. I didn't like boys, boys wouldn't like me - not at this weight and my belly. I hated how I looked, I hated my hair, I hated my whole appearance, I hated my now unfitting clothes, I hated how depressing clothes shopping had become, so I stopped. Everything I once took pleasure in, didn't please me anymore. Not even if I tried. I think I could have done the most amazing things and it still wouldn't budge this thing inside of me, taking over. I was turning into the worst version of me, a version of me I never knew existed. Mornings became a demon.  Im sure theres loads of you that relate to this and know what I mean by this. Id be in bed and suddenly my heart raced and it felt like that feeling you get when your about to do something that scares the shit our of you or makes you so nervous you need to puke, that the tiniest tasks became mountains - “Oh my actual god I have to get out of bed today and face people and do things”?!?!  I was so nervous and scared all the time and didn't know why.

I become so so tired having to work throughout the week, yet hated the weekends because of feeling unproductive or lonely. I felt so tired doing too much but felt like I had to be doing something as soon as I stopped, its like you are in a constant battle with yourself. My life went from grief, to anxiety and depression all in one hit. And I had to try and live with it every single day. Its so hard. And I still have to keep fighting through all this crap that life throws at me, Im still not at the ‘other side’ of all this and when I think I've had my dose of it, it gives me some more. But life does this to everyone and thats why I think its important to not be afraid of being open about feeling shit, because we can be there for each other. Yet we all seem to stay quiet and get annoyed when people express themselves if they are feeling sad, they are given the “you are so negative / moaning label - this isn't the case. I hate that people turn a blind eye because people express their negative emotions, really, what is wrong with that? I think ultimately I want to say to anyone that has lost someone, or is about to, or maybe people that just battle with their inner demons... Its annoying as hell but you have to fight back. And I know its so frustrating to have to fight for things that other people get so freely. Like - just being ok. Know that I am with you. I. Am. With. You. Know that this terror, too shall pass and you will get stronger. You will.

And you'll be surprised by how many people feel the way you do, but we just don't speak of it, so we think its unique to us - its not, we are a massive bunch of humans who suffer but not together!. I learned that life isn't always on my side and admitting that life is hard, we just have to get harder, and we do. I think sometimes we don't realise it though. You don't have to be fearless to be brave, being scared all the time is brave, because you have to force yourself through the fear all the time! I wont ever be the same person I was before my dad died, but maybe I need to stop trying to be, maybe its ok that I will always be a little bit broken. Death is so life changing for the people still remaining, so don't expect to stay the same person. And that is also OK. I would like to hope that at some time, life will be brighter for us once more, I think good and bad times pass by like waves, we cant have one without the other. What a beautiful cunt life is, ay? =p. One difference I have noticed in myself is how much more appreciative I am of small things. Just being with people, taking photos, hearing the birds sing, Knowing that life isn't forever, but its now, and now is all we have. So go get that tattoo, go on that trip you have always wanted too, tell that person how deeply in love with them you are, go and get your life and chase those goals, its scary, but its worth it. We wont be here forever! There is no “Im over it” now, as mentioned before, after losing someone, a gap is there that will never be filled.  But. Although it seems so very unlikely, you will feel love again You will laugh so hard again You will be able to think of that person and a smile come onto your face, instead of a tear and sometimes it will just be tears Sometimes you will miss them so much it hurts Sometimes you will feel lucky you had them in your life Sometimes you will feel cheated that they were taken away. There will be days where you can face things and days where you cant. You will never feel just one way, but you really do learn to live with it, and I promise you, although you will miss them so much - you're going to be OK. You become better at always being sad about it, and it will always be there, but it wont destroy you like it does in the early days / months / years. I was watching a film last night, about a man who died and was saying to his still alive wife beyond the grave, “I still exist”. This filled my heart will sheer comfort - the thought that death doesn't mean they are gone, that they really are still alive - just somewhere else. Dad please be up there, I really want to see your face again! and the hope that I could gives me me such a lift!. And maybe if we try to think, that maybe death isn't the worst thing, because hopefully our loved ones have gone somewhere BETTER! where they are the happiest they could ever be, no suffering, no pain and that they are having a ball up there! its like I've said, I think its worse for the people left behind and maybe if we start accepting that death happens, maybe we wont fight against it so much by knowing that death isn't the end! Im trying to hard to feel this way! Involve only good people in your life, be true to yourself, express yourself no matter how you feel and most importantly... They still exist. Jay

[princessnowvie14]

ENOUGH (cutting ties with toxicity)

I know my love for you was real. But this time. That’s enough!

Enough pain, enough blaming, enough making me that there something wrong with me, enough making me feel crazy, enough of mind games, enough getting my energies, enough all the sacrifices i made for you, enough tolerating your trash behavior. Enough loving all your bad sides.

Being in love with a narcissist is like a curse, a guilty pleasure poison. You know it was bad for you, you know he can hurt you, you know he can destroy but somehow there’s a tiny peace of you that you still you wanna be part of the his script and be with him. His role playing, controllable movie but you must pretend to be a villain no matter how pure your heart is because that was the narc wants, for him to play the victim and put the blame in you from all his bad behavior.

I wanna embrace everything you put me through, stayed through the bad times. So dont blame me for leaving you, and told me i was not contented because I put myself first. Dont tell me Im selfish like you always do, because you were the one who always selfish, you never give me what i deserve, I lower my standards for you but put me down more.

I wanna fix you, all your mistakes. But the thing is you dont admit youre wrong instead you point out all my flaws and put me down every time Im asking you to change all your wrong doings. My weaknesses are your strength, you put a salt in my cuts. where I was wounded. and secure that im insecure that’s when I questioned my self worth. My love for you was real but I wasnt happy.

All the narc’s victim know how much this pain caused us. Mostly, when you decided you wanna get out of the relationship when u cutting all ties and no contact rule is a must.

I’ve learned that people like you cannot change, capable of loving and empathy and I cant make you a better person if you dont decide that you have to. Im tired of observing and guessing your true intentions when your actions are too blurry with mixed signals.

I feel like i’m always begging for your care, begging for you to be loyal. I couldnt even trust you. Cause I know face to face you cant hurt me so what more when i’m not around, I feel like you can always betray me. and my innocence about some things, you can use it for purpose, like you always do with people around you, You use people for your own benefits, use ur friends to boost ur ego, use them when we argue, use them when u want me to get jealous. You use people your own happiness but I know u still feel empty, i feel sorry for u, Cause nothing can fill ur loneliness and no one can help you, not even me. Even when i tried to I know that youd just destroy me, Your emptiness and void in ur heart will never be filled. 

You’re too hard to let go but I know I was making the right decision

I always thought you were my blessings, that I should accept everything about you, cause it felt like you were my soulmate. But as time passed by, all you did was immoral, normal people wouldnt do that, disgusting things, and acceptable behavior come up..

All your friends think you are a good man. Ofcourse that's what u want them to think of you, but how about when you unmask urself and show what the real you, The YOU the you showed me and your family. The YOU that you keep hiding from everyone else. The monster who destroyed emotions of people who loves you, but i know the inner child in you is a weak child who’s crying and wanna be saved but its too late.

Wish I could save you, but I’m drowning too. Wish I could bring back your childhood and make you feel better so you wont be damage. Sometimes as I look back, i see ur childhood face and wanna hug, i wish I could talk to you that child and tell him you are loveable, that theres someone like me who cares for him, Im not good in taking care of children though, but if life has given me the chance to make him feel wanted when he was young I will do everything to make him more secure. Sadly he developed a narcissistic behavior and I cant do nothing about that. Its stressing me out, Im not healed too, I know theres an inner child in me that was wounded too. My past wasnt that good, although not as bad as him but my anxiety has started because I have a narcissistic dad too.

You put me in a situation that I can no longer hold on, theres nothing left. My energy and my capacity to love has run low.. And no matter how much I love you, its damaging and harmful. All i ever wanted to do was to let go, to free ourselves from the pain. The separation is painful, but i didnt showed you. I pretended I was fine so you wont trigger my emotional self and hoover me. You know my weakness when I am into you, thats the thing I avoid. To make you think that I was affected in you. To make u feel that I am emotionally attach was your supply to boost your self confidence. You dont care about me / You didnt love. I accept that. You are incapable to do that and your brain is wired like that. And I understand, I wont change you, but I will walk out in ur role playing. Im not longer the main character nor the villain. Seeing you fading in my life too is gonna be hard but i know that will be the best thing, cause better person and the right will come alone. Thank you for the lesson you taught me,  for making my life miserable because of that I became stronger. you told me ill never be happy. I’ll prove to you. SOmeday I will get what I deserve a life that you will envy even more like you used to. And you will get what u deserve too, the pain you caused with everyone will make you feel emptier.... My love for you was real. But soon it will fade....and thats fine.

[actually-impostor]

Heroes and Anti Heroes (6)

Wednesday update, this might seem short but its because i had to cut this chapter down in two parts, im sorry!. Reminder that Anxiety is called Enhos in this fanfic

Tagged list @deafinatelyfangirling, @fearinghope, @mira-jadeamethyst, @featuredfander

Warnings for this chapter: Logan has an emotional breakdown, talk about cryptids (im... somehow sorry but at the same time no)

Prologue, Chap 1, Chap 2, Chap 3, Chap 4, Chap 5[part1] (You are here!)

AO3

-0-0-0- Chapter 5: Cavalry, Chivalry. Tomato, Solanum Lycopersicum -0-0-0-

When Enhos reached his house he put his back to the entry door and slowly slid down it. His legs felt like jelly and he was afraid he might pass out, but he needed to compose himself. Jeremiah and Aaron shouldn’t see him like that; it would just worry his parents without reason

“Enhos, kiddo, are you okay?”

“Y-yeah” He coughed, his voice was shaking “Im just really tired”

“Okay, come sit in the living room like a responsible human kid”

“I’m going to sleep first, you know, tiring day”

Jeremiah stared at the direction his son voice was coming from with a frown, Enhos wasn’t acting like normal. Yeah Enhos usually fell asleep everywhere and was constantly tired thanks to the insomnia the kid had. But he was used to coming home and sitting in the couch, no matter if he fell asleep there.

He knew his son would come to him at his own time, but he couldn’t help but to be worried, Enhos was his son after all. He stood up and went to the hallway, just in time to see Enhos slip into the kitchen. There was something wrong

-0-

Logan threw his phone against the wall, making the electronic devise shatter in different parts. His hands were shaking, and he could feel a desperate scream trying to escape his mouth. He covered his mouth just in time to avoid retching. There were tears going down his face. He felt sick enough to vomit

He sank to the floor on his knees and started laughing. It was like his worst nightmares had become true. He stopped when he felt two arms encircle him in a warm embrace

“Logan, Lo, what’s wrong?”

“He’s out, he fucking disappeared! Pat we are fucked”

“Hey, no. No, remember what my dad said?”

“I’m not involving you two!”

It was weird for Logan to completely lose his composure, but he had stood up and was screaming. His hair was all over the place, the room looked like a hurricane had passed by, and Logan still had tear tracks on his face

“What are you doing here Patton?”

“Dad called me. He got a phone call saying… well, he told me. And here I am”

“Go back home, is safer for you there”

“I’m not leaving you alone, you are my best friend. Let me help, please”

“You can’t. I have to go home”

He started throwing clothes into a small suitcase, all the rage and frustration going into the luggage. He was fucked; there was no running away again. He needed to be home with his mom and sister.

“If im not back by Monday let Roman know I had a family emergency” Patton nodded, a sad look on his face “And, Pat?”

“Yes?”

“…Thank you, I’ll be back”

Patton stared at his friend, he felt so frustrated. There was nothing he could do to help his friend, not this time. He sighed and stood up; the least he could do was fix the room

-0-

When Monday rolled around the four friends found each other in the entrance door. Patton looked tired but happy, Roman was shinning, Enhos looked like death warmed over, and Logan looked exhausted

“So, why is Roman sparkling?”

“Mamá insisted on having a spa weekend. Oh yeah, you all are invited for the next one” He put his hand forward “I even got a manicure, guys this is the most relaxing thing in life”

“I feel like all of us could use it” Logan noted, seeing the eye bags under Enhos eyes “You look dead”

“I stayed up till five AM watching cryptic videos” he yawned, but his eyes were shinning “Did you knew Nessy is a lesbian monster? Im happy for her” Roman smirked

“And the Babadook is gay”

“Yeah, I wonder if Monthman is gay too”

“Oh come on Enhos, Mothman is bisexual” Logan said, like it was the most normal thing to be talking about

“He could be Pansexual! Or just Homoromantic”

“While that’s a really good point Pat is obvious he’s bi and dating the Babadook”

Enhos nodded and seconds later stifled a yawn. He directed his tired eyes at Logan and for the first time noted how tired the boy looked

“And you? What’s your excuse?”

“I had a family emergency” He raised his hands in a placating gesture “All is fixed now, don’t worry”

They nodded, ones more concerned than others

“And you Pat? You look almost as happy as Sir-sing-a-lot here”

“Dad took the weekend off and we went on vacation! He took me fishing!”

“I can’t see Thomas fishing… doesn’t he forgets to tie his shoes a lot of times?”

“Yup, he forgot the prey and almost forgets the fishing rods here. But it was fun!”

Enhos chuckled, that sounded like his Specialist. The two tired boys shared a look and a small smile, they knew they weren’t saying the full reason they were tired but they also knew the other three were there for them. It was going to be fine.

They separated ways to go to their different classes and waved goodbye. Once Logan and Roman entered the classroom they sat down on the middle road. They shared small talk (“I mean Patton raises a good point, Mothman could still be Pan” “Yeah but if he is then i cant make the He’s getting bi joke!” “You are almost as bad as Patton with the jokes”) until the teacher entered the room.

Their teacher was named Joan, and they were strict in the classroom. They made the classroom shut up and took out their notepad

“So, today we have a few things to discuss. But first” They stared at the class over the top of their glasses “We are preparing for the Sport Festival. I’m sure all of you have seen it on your TVs the last few years but is your turn to live it”

The class erupted in a flurry of sound and movement, Joan stared at their class until the students calmed down. They nodded and started reading

“You are allowed to use your hero suits, please go pick them up tomorrow. What else? Oh yeah”

Here Joan smirked, and the whole class sweated cold

“The other departments have a chance of getting into the Hero course. So do your best to not lose your spot”

A panicked silence followed his words, Logan stared at Joan with disbelieve and Roman cursed under his breath. They could lose their spot in the Hero Course. That was hard to swallow.

On the other hand, the General Education course was excited shouts. They still had a shoot, they still could become heroes.

“Calm down, calm down” Talyn made a hand movement and the class was silenced “We have to show the Hero Course we are better than them! I can’t lose this bet against Joan!”

Enhos chuckled at that, but Patton was raising his hand

“Yes Sanders?”

“Anyone could go to the Hero Course?”

“Exactly, no matter your Quirk, as long as you get to the final you guys can become heroes, no matter your abilities. Look at me for example, im short and unthreatening but I’m still a hero. You all have the chance to become one too, and I believe in you”

Talyn smiled, and the class felt like they could conquer the world. The rest of the school day went by without much importance; the teachers of each course gave them the date for the Sports Festival but that was the most remarkable thing of the day.

 The four boys were currently in Roman and Logan’s room. The owners of it looked stressed, and the two boys were worried. It was a common expression of them to look stressed but today it somehow seemed worse

“Okay, spill. What’s wrong?”

“Im assuming you all know about the Sport Festival?” Both boys in Gen Ed nodded “For someone of the other classes to go up one of the people in the Hero Course has to go down”

Enhos scoffed “Since when do you both worry? You can move objects with your mind and get inside other people’s heads. I’m sure you can also control them like a puppeteer”

Patton nodded “And Roman can make swords appear out of nowhere and is incredibly skilled with them, besides he controls them at will!”

“See? You two are worrying for nothing” Enhos patted Logan’s leg and smiled at him “More importantly Nervei, Regal. We need a hand”

“What for?”

“We need hero names too!” Patton was beaming, and he didn’t need his Quirk to make them all feel better “Since we kind of helped you two we were thinking you two could also help us!”

“Optimism” Roman was pointing at Patton “Wait, that’s too long… maybe Opti?”

“It sounds like him” Enhos and Logan nodded, it fitted

“So now we have the emo nightmare”

“Thanks Disney Reject, any idea?”

Roman shook his head. It was slightly harder to think of something fitting for his best friend

“Nightmare”

Three sets of eyes directed themselves to Logan, who looked slightly troubled and deep in thought. Enhos looked slightly offended, Roman was shocked, and Patton was face palming. His friend needed a filter between his brain and his mouth.

“Why?”

“Think about this rationally, your Quirk allows you to show people what they fear the most once they are inside the dome, and when Shadow touches them they feel a general sense of fear and anxiety. You could be known as your enemies worst nightmares”

Another shocked silence followed his sentence, but the air was slightly different.

“It… might work” Enhos was deep in thought “Maybe not the best idea for a Rescue Hero but it could work.  Makes a strong first impression”

Roman stared at his friend slightly surprised and then smirked; Enhos wasn’t one to just accept something that might seem slightly offensive to him, so that meant there was something there.

Once both boys had agreed to their names the group of friends focused on their homework, it wasn’t easy being a high school hero. However ones were more distracted than others. Enhos was uneasy, but to be fair he had been uneasy since that man grabbed him and gave him such a cryptic message. What did he meant by dad? His parents were Jeremiah and Aaron, no one else. Enhos couldn’t shake the feeling that something bad was going to happen.

Weeks passed, and the sport festival was here. Enhos stared at the public with a slight panicked look on his eyes. What if he messed up? Or worse, what if all of them ended up scared of him?

He shook his head; he wouldn’t allow himself to be scared right at the door of his dream. He was going to fight, he was going to win, he was going to move to the Hero Course, and he was going to show everyone that no matter your Quirk you can still be a hero.

He just needed a little bit of confidence, someone to talk rationality into his brain. Without thinking about it his feets took him to the place were Logan always was when he needed to think. The library

“Enhos, what brings you to my secret place?” Both knew it wasn't a secret place, but it was the less visited part of the library

“Logan, sorry”

“Sorry for what? You haven’t done anything wrong”

“I know just, you have to prepare too for the festival and I’m interrupting”

“I’m your friend Enhos, im here for whatever you might need”

Enhos nodded, that was an embarrassing thing to hear

“I’m just… scared”

Logan looked at the boy in front of him, so powerful, so talented, with such an amazing control over himself and his own power. But now he looked so vulnerable, he looked scared and insecure. And Logan wanted to protect him.

“You’ll do great Enhos, I promise” He petted his head for a few seconds and gave him a soft smile “You are one of the best in our group. If someone can do this then that’s you”

Enhos looked at him through his bangs, a soft blush decorating his cheeks. He could do this, Logan believed in him

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 300418

hi im apologizing in advance to anyone who happens to read this but this is more for myself cus man i just had a huge fight with my white parents and im so frustrated that they dont understand and im so frustrated im so lonely and depressed and im so frustrated this sucks and yeah i really dont have ANYWHERE else to vent so here tumblr here u go pls u have been warned im having like an anxiety attack or smth right now so nothing will make sense anyways go away

i want to die. and i also wanna murder every single white person i see. for real i just really fucking hate white people. they literally destroy everything and i cant do this anymore. I CANT STAND BEING ISOLATED. my traumatic mental issues are preventing me from getting any friends (especially poc friends) so all i have is my stupid fucking white family and they just make me feel even worse. also my social anxiety prevents me from seeking help too because apparently you have to call these stupid psychologists and you cant just mail or text them or let a parent call them for you and calling people i dont know and talk to people i dont know is like a part of the problem i need help with?? like WHO WAS RHAT FUKING IDIOT WHO CANE UP WITH THE IDEA ”oh lets force our clients to call us in order to get help” LIKE DONT U FKN UNDERSTAND SOME OF US CANT. also most of the psychologist are probably white anyways and i really can’t handle whites anymore at all. just the thought of it makes me wanna puke. a part of me doesnt even wanna talk to a non-adoptee??? but that’s not very realistic. all i want is at least a NON-WHITE psychologist and where the fuck do i find that

i can’t talk to anyone. i don’t have a safe space anywhere except for online among other asians who hate whites. i feel like a prisoner in my own home. BITCH I CANT BREATHE 😭😭 I CANT REST 😭 WHITES ARE EVERYWJERE AND I LITERALLY HAVE TO LEEP MY MOUTH SHIT AND BOTTLE EVERYTJING UP UNTIL I EXPLODE LIKE THIS AND WANT TO DIE 😭😭 hate my white family so much i want to cut them off from my life forever. but thanks to my stupid abandonment issues and generally just mental illness and unhealthy perception of relationships i’m too scared to cut them off. i’m not strong enough to be on my own. i’m not capable of making friends. look at me im fucked up. i dont have any friends anymore cus i always manage to fuck things up and now im to tired and anxious to even try.

i also cant speak my mother tongue bc my stupid white parents let me grow up with only other whites and no exposure of my original culture or anything so THANKS TO THAT i’ll never get accepted in asia. i wont even get accepted by ”ordinary” asian immigrants or the asians born here cus at least they have their parenrs and relatives and part of the culture while i have…….. nothing. also i live in fucking sweden and even though we gor 20% poc here they’re literally nowhere to be seen cus my city is SEGREGATED AF and my awkward ass dont know how to approach other poc without being like ”HEY YO LETS BE FRIENDS ILY DONT LEAVE"

i hate myself, i hate my life, i hate my situation, i hate white people. i hate everyone. i don’t see any hope. i don’t see a positive future. and even if i did, id only see the negative shit that would happen after bc man life always disappoint me. and that shit would definitely be the death of me cus i woudnt be able to take anymore disappointments. the only thing im holding onto right now is that i’m too lazy, to tired and too scared to hurt myself.

also bc i REALLY wanna go and see bts lmaooo i didnt even know this was so important??? its not necessarily bc of them i mean i havent been into kpop for very long but then i found myself feeling this INTENSE ANXIETY THAT I NEED TO SEE THEM. it feels like its now or never. its my only chance. it feels like im gonna DIE IF IM NOT SEEING THEM. not only to see THEM but to see ASIANS. like im desperate bitches it sounds so fetishizing but for real i need POSITIVE ASIAN REPRESENTATION AND YOU COULD BASICALLY SAY BTS AND KPOP HAS SAVED MY LIFE BECAUSE GOD DAMN IT IT SOUNDS SO CHEESY BUT THEY REALLY HAVE!! not obly cus they’re asian but also cus theyre friends and i dont jave any friends so all i do is watching their friendship and dream about smth ill never have

but hey i probably wont get any tickets and tbh i can already feel that thats gonna make me depressed af. especially when all these ugly rich white koreaboos will be seeing them and im here all alone, feeling like the only ones i can turn to is a fucking kpop group. how fucking sad isn’t that. i’m not even korean, but it’s like they’re the closest i can get. whites be taking iver everything. i grew up in a fkn white family i know jow they think. they dont. my family isnt even ”racist” theyre racist cus theyre white u get me. like they dont undersyand the hidden racism by calling it an ordinary asian store ”china store” its so normal to them. all my life ive wanted to be a whitey AND NOW WHEN I FINALLY FOUND KPOP THEY WANNA STEAL THAT SHIT TOO OMG IM GOING NUTS

like racists always tell me to go back to my country BUT I NEVER FKN CHOSE TO BE HERE MY PARENTS LITERALLY BOUGHT ME THEY EVEN GOT 80K FINANCIAL CONTRIBUTION FROM OUR GOVERNMENT SO THEY COULD AFFORD MY ADOPTION BUT OUR GIVERNMENT CANT EVEN HELP ME WITH A TINY RE-VISIT TO THE FUCKING PLACE I WAS BORN AND THE ORPHANAGE I SPEND MY 2 FIRST YEARS IN??? like ffs i have to deal with racism 24/7 but give me some fkn money and i’ll be off in a week fuck YOU. at the same time all these nasty white rich hoes can travel across asia like 55 times a year just to exploit our culture and treat my people like SHIT AND NOT ONLY TJAY!! not only cant i go back to my country while whites can…. I CANT EVEN FUCKING SEE THIS ONE SINGLE KPOP GROUP I LIKE WITHOUT THESE FUCKTARD CUNTS NOT BEING ABLE TO CONTROL THEIR COLONIALIST GENES AND STAY IN THEIR FKN LANE

ANYWAYS also also my white brothers make fun of bts and kpop cus they think its just “another stupid boyband” like 1D or smth because their stupid white ass cant comprehend they have 2 asian sisters and that one of them maybe miss her fucking race and hate her life so fucking much that the only thing she’s doing right now is to watch anime and kpop 24/7 bc that’s the only thing she can escape to

ugh i always hate ranting like this cus when i’ve revovered i will cringe so much and i will regret everything i’ve said and i will act fine and i just wanna forget that this ever happened and euw. i just REALLY hate white people and seeing bts would honestly make me so happy. i have a goal of travelling back to china when i have the money but its so far away, im broke, and my parents would rather spend the money on greece for the 6th time than visiting the place i was born SO WHEN I SAID SEEING BTS WOULD GIVE ME ENOUGH DOPAMIN TO SURVIVE ANOTHER YEAR I WASNT FUCKING LYING I NEED SMTH TO HOLD ONTO!! I NEED ASIANS IN MY LIFE GOD DAMN IT

and i HATE that white people take it so personally like my dad is so fkn stupid he must think being schizo cus really cant understand the difference between individuals and groups so when i be lile ”i hate u” and ”ily” he’s like ???? 😭😭😭 god i dont even know if i love em anymore tbh, theyre THAT fkn dumb and then i dont even wanna IMAGINE other adoptive parentS OMG like no wonder so many adoptees grow up with HUGE internalized racism issues smhhh thats sad af cus they be turning their back on their poc cousins just to fit in and be loved by their parents 😭😭😭 rip

[lambunctiousme-blog]

How long has it been?

Its been a while, since I’ve been on. It’s also been a while since I’ve taken care of myself. It’s been a while since I had a good night sleep and its been a while since I haven’t had to be at every ones beck and call. For the most part I have to tie up some loose strings for my grandpas guardianship. However, its so much harder than my grandmas.... hes just randomly forgetting short term things. Full lengths of time and cant judge time passed. For example hes been at the nursing home for 6 months and he thinks its been over a year. He also spends the majority of his time sleeping. He went from wanting to stay there to wanting to go home. He gets upset and doesn't remember going to see the doctors or going to court or any of it. He gets really frustrated and mean and when I ask him to be nice he will rock and make grunty noises. His sister and my mother want me to move him in with us and Ive let them all know that I'm not sure I can provide the best care for him currently. My health.... With the hip flare up in Physical therapy, my elbows started acting up,it was suspected that my ulnar nerves were acting up. As well as having extreme dizzy spells during squats and doing stairs, getting up and off tables etc.. The workman's comp doctor decided I needed to step back in physical therapy. and scheduled a test for my elbows which his assistant promptly let me know that my workman’s comp company hadn’t paid for a single appointment and if they didn’t get a hold of them I would have to pay for the next one. I went to schedule with the physical therapist with my new orders and they informed me my medical provider had dropped me. Its explained that they couldn't get a hold of the workman's comp company either, they are kind of a middle man. So I try to get a hold of the workman's comp company and I get no one. Then my test appointment comes up and I cancel it due to not having the money to pay oop. THEN workman's comp calls me. They tell me some people have been out sick.... which would have had been for months. Since I called them about the dizziness, then the appointment results and the side effects of the medication making it so I couldn't drive on them. Then I had bronchitis and got a note for time off and they didn't respond when I called them about that either. So they call me and are just like ok whats going on...... So I tell her. That the doc office says You guys haven't paid them and that physical therapy says I'm medically dropped and she tells me to wait to schedule any more appointments until its figured out. THAT WAS IN MAY. Now As of the first week of august they haven't paid me in a month. My lawyers on it. I don't know whats going to happen. But I cant sleep because my arms fall asleep and Im having weekly migraines again and I cant fully turn my head left or right. ITs tense and painful. However being off physical therapy my hip and leg are back to normal, my left arm doesn't have shooting pains but my right still does. Which THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR!

Mental health Well I have bipolar and anxiety, I was diagnosed in my teens and its been managed very well after I had my son with medication and therapy. I’m on a mood stabilizer and an anti depressant. I’ve been off the mood stabilizer for 9 months? and went off the anti depressant then back on them, Because we were trying to get pregnant. Which may sound silly since I had a neck injury but Ive been putting off getting pregnant for 4 years because of the FIRST work injury and pregnant people work out all the time. Its physical therapy not cross fit. I’m getting to old and the doctors said it would be safe. Any case, over the months its been getting harder and harder. It was at first just being tired and sleeping.... Which we all know not sleeping doesn't help mood illnesses. Then it went to not wanting to do anything ever.... then its wishing I didn't wake up in the morning until now when its like that all the time.  Infertility We haven't been able to get pregnant. What’s worse is the pain I’ve been going through during menses. I’ve been to the ER a family doc and now to a gyno. They are pretty certain it’s PCOS. I’ve been put on a medication that I have to pay for out of pocket because medicaid doesn’t cover medication used to get pregnant which isn’t to expensive however, I feel for women if they are seeking treatment just for the pain. That doesn’t seem right. These problems started back when I was on birth control, which is the first treatment they reach for. Some women cant take birth control due to religious beliefs or side effects so what is their option then? If I'm not pregnant in three months they will test my partner for fertility and possibly do a more invasive procedure to check for endometriosis. It’s been two days since I started the medication and I am feeling more hopeful and haven't experienced any side effects yet. Which there are many possible ones.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

yesterday we did shrooms.

our friend was the ring leader and mixed 9 grams of it in chocolate and we all split it. im usually okay with shrooms and actually sadly took them enough last summer so i felt calm - usually i just have a very mellow empty headed high.

but this was not good and i guess it was ‘better’ that we all experienced not good. like i knew early on it was going the wrong way and suddenly we just wanted it to be over. it was a very intense trip with audio and visual hallucinations but not like full on break from reality - just warping faces and discoloration and hearing talking when there was none. 

he did not handle this well at all. i feel both me and our friend have a lot of mental issues and have struggled a lot so it was a bit easier for us to handle but i think i handled it the absolute best because i didnt feel traumatized by it when they did. i mean it was very terrible. but ive done worse sober with my own mind in terms of anxiety and shit and the hallucinations i knew were drug induced. no matter what i questioned i reminded myself it was the drugs. i had no grasp on reality, it was the drugs and it would eventually be over. i really just kind of sat it out.

he took it a lot dfferently and it sat on him in relation to the world around him. like he had become upset but unable to express why he was upset that essentilly what he was feeling was something i had felt sober. like his anxiety and neediness and wanting someone to help and feeling overwhelmed - that’s kind of me on the regular. but being able to feel it himself and see it from this perspective i feel like he could see how hard it actually is. it wasnt like anyone was physically ill. everyone was fine and operating and breathing but mentally it was a complete breakdown. like they were thankful -to come back-. as if we would have lost our minds forever. but i know it’s hard to lose your mind forever, it takes a lot of damage and if i was able to rationalize despite it all, i knew eventually they’d come back. 

he was also very very anxious about being upset in front of me because thats not really him. and at one point he was crying, upset about i dont even know and mumbling about james randi. i think he had like pre conceived notions that i might react differently to seeing him upset because he tries really hard to create the illusion of manly man, but on like a subconcious level. i think he thought it would be weakness or something but i just kissed him and everything settled a bit for awhile. 

but the mental breakdown was so bad that it took me a really long time to make food. like i was the first one to be able to moderately operate and i guess thats because im used to that sort of mental breakdown state. like it wasnt as if my drugs were weaker - i was definitely totally fucked up and not well. if i was anywhere but a couch with a blanket - dead in the water. but as soon as the worst of the hallucination subsided and i was able to grasp reality for longer than a couple of seconds, i really tried to take control of my mind and body. i wanted it to be over and i could really not operate well and if you would have put a camera on me in this kitchen it would have been frantic pacing and spinning in circles trying to make chicken nuggets and pizza. 

as i was making the food i went downstairs to check on them and he was laying on the floor with our friend but he suddenly started freaking out at me very seriously and telling me he needs mental help. to me, it’s semi-normal for him to do this. sometimes he changes moods very quickly and you cant question the shift or it escalates it. if you can get him to see hes exaggerating his own thoughts with something more light hearted, he lets it go. but to our friend, he had never seen this side of him. he kept whining about needing a movie on tv but he was doing nothing to help himself with a laptop in the room etc. it was a brief but intense 2 minutes of very serious freking out about needing “mental help” and i casually mentioned how hes “disturbing” our friend which helped switch him to the realization that he wasnt actually alone. 

i finished the food and he asked to tae a nap upstairs which was really just restless anxiety but i felt like .. a much different vibe or shift from him. it wasnt embarassment but like maybe a realization that im not “crazy” and being in mental chaos is hard. both of them were extremely thankful about the food and understood on a deep level how hard it was to mke it - but again, no one was physically sick. everyone could operate but mentally they were gone. so its just really hard to imagine how hard it could be to make food unless you experience if yourself and they did and they appreciated it. 

he was very affectionate towards me after, wanting to sit together and hug me and touching me. he asked me a few times if iwas okay and honestly, i was and i am. it was a really easy mental break for me because i knew it was drug induced. i explained it was little sober me curled in a ball inside and just terrified and waiting it out. cuz its not fun to experience that. im surprised i didnt cry but again i knew it was the drugs. maybe im the best person for a bad trip. i took care of myself and two other people. 

my friend made a comment about us being “boyfriend and girlfriend” i repeated what he usually says - he’s not my boyfriend. so he directly asked him - “youre not boyfriend and girlfriend anymore?” and he replied “look we already established i live in my own reality and thats all that matters” 

whch really he was referring to a comment i made the day before about how he kind of just lived in his own reality where he wont “define” us having a relationship but literally everyone else who knows him and i does because we do in fact by definition have a romantic relationship. so he can think we dont but we definitely do. 

hes very very anxious and passive aggressive about my eviction. which is funny to me because i think its a projection of like.. knowing he probably really wants me but this is a bad situation. like its not a healthy relationship standard to now live together because i was evicted. theres no want or desire there; just necessity. so i get it; but he cant say these things. that makes him committed and obligated to the idea of a full scale long term relationship. he cant be alone and be himself with a connection.

i told him i had an opportunity to live in a nearby bussable city. he commented that itd be a long way to walk but it wouldnt matter - hes going away in the summer (by going away he means the idea of living in his truck). it was a double shot - not only would i have less access to him; it wouldnt matter to him because he’s/he’d just leave anyways. 

its a bit upsetting that he would focus on our “non existant” relationship - he drives enough it doesnt seem that big of a deal to live a bit further and i dont have a lot of options at the moment. like this is upsetting for me too but im trying to stay the course. ike its a bump in the road of my recovery; it’s not a step backwards, its a consquence of my actions before and it doesnt define what im doing right now. right now i feel 50 - 70% equipped to handle this. its not going to be fun or easy but itll really be for the best all around. like being in this apartment is not healthy for me.

and i have to live my own life. like i feel at ease with the idea that were not creating a real life together so im kindof moving on and he might have to make effort to keep it going. if he doesnt, well -- sucks, but what more can i do? sorry for not living up to your expectations?

i want to live with him but at the same time, right now, i dont. maybe in a few more months when he figures things out a bit more. not that i have anything figured out but as my mind has cleared, ive begun to have time to think on what i know and believe and want. ive built some confidence in myself that i might know whats best for me. not that i know everything, but i should trust that i know when it best to listen to someone else too. and i should trust when i know that someone elses opinion might not matter. 

so i know i want a life partner. i know i want to create things - maybe grow or cook, something stress free. i know i want to help a community thrive and grow things within local areas. i’m tired of doing what everyone else wantsme to do; it’s exhausting and suffocating and leads to constant mental breaks. i just want to be me and being me involves a partner. 

i dont want to live with his mother. its very suffocating to be around his mother who places her own misguided expectations on you as well. she told me to get a job at mcdonalds - whch is fair, but what happens when i give up? because i know its what i dont want? why stay in terrible situations? why stay n something you dont want? what i want a majority of the time is to lay down and give up. i’d like the incentive not to and mcdonalds is not it. 

but she doesnt understand that. she doesnt get that like this shroom trip, a lot of my daily coping is within life or death. i have to choose life. i have to choose and grasp reality regularly when i’d rather give in to it all. so when you lay that blanket on ‘get a job at mcdonalds’, it’s just not the rght choice. it seems stupid, but its not the right choice. 

this week i will amazingly work four days. im nervous but looking forward to it and looking forward to it solving some of my problems. 

[gaberoothekangaroo]

this is kinda going to be long.

my dad gets so fucking worked up about things and it fucking drives me bonkers because hes just being an ass about it. like we were watching transformers on tv and it had some extra interviews and it talked about the differences of opinion between shia and michael bay on how to do a scene. so my dad is spouting off about how ‘directors are lazy and complacent and they need to learn from others successes’ and on and on and on. and im like ???? there are like only a handful of series that go from one movie to the next??? and so we got into it. like i explained to him that this is a recent thing in the past ten years to have movies that all link up to one another that tell a whole story, rather than having a story that has a beginning middle and end and then adding on a sequel. cause lets be real most sequels suck cause theyre trying to recaputre the glory of the first movie and they dont live up to it.

so hes just fuckin goin off about how this that and the other. and i point out to him that the marvels movies started out as flops. like iron man was pretty good, then two just was in the toilet. well it was the first of its kind. they closed the doors on the first movie. it was a little hard to try to reopen things they had already closed. so they learned and the third movie was pretty good. then we have all the other movies in the franchise that build off each other. yeah they make mistakes, but these guys have all learned and built off each other. 

NOPE. hes like hauling off about laziness and they need to look at other peoples successes and failures on working in series. and im like ?????? asshole, do you not realize there are not that many series out there???? and so we just keep fighting over it and it gets to the point where im like ‘dude, its a fucking novel that theyre taking from a script and turning it into a visualization. you have a problem with their lack of continuity or their characterization, thats where your problems lie, not with the producer’

so then hes just like freaking out hardcore and hes like ‘movies and books are different’ and im like how? how could they possibly be different? world building, characters, a plot, a beginning middle and end. like how are they different aside from the fact one is visual and one is text based? and he just cant see that theyre literally the same thing. and so he keeps freaking out.

and im like ‘if i were to write a book on xyz, i wouldnt go look at the other successful authors that wrote something similar. thats fucking stupid.’ and hes like ‘thats not what i was saying’. um yes it is. if youre talking about looking at something and trying to base it off its predecessors successes and failures, then...wouldnt you have to...idk find something that was actually similar before you can make comparisons???

idfk. he had an issue with the fact that michael bay is a jackass and wanted ‘to do things his way’ and wasnt going to let shia do something he wanted to do. yeah okay creative differences, still made a fairly okay movie. not the actors fault that theres four of these stupid movies. but he was raging hardcore over the fact that the director was ‘lazy and complacent’. so what is his laziness? is there some sort of standard hes following? what is his complacency? like i? dont? understand???

the complacency youre talking about is he wanted a fucking paycheck. the first one was successful and he probably won awards and there was acclaim. so whats stopping him from trying to make a second? a third? he has the characters. he somewhat has the world. its not his own idea, no, because hes taking from an already fairly successful source. but hes moulding the characters to his needs and purposes. same thing with his screenwriter.

i have more anger directed towards the screenwriter than the producer because if the script/characters suck, its on them. they wrote the fuckin thing. if you dont know how to worldbuild or write a cohesive character outside of a single individual film, thats on you and your creativity, not the producer. but nope, he couldnt see it that way. and he kept yelling about how i was putting words in his mouth and this that or the other. like jesus fucking christ man.

im so fucking over how he cant see another point of view. he does this shit with everything. like i need to move fucking far away again. i cannot do this shit. it drives me near up the wall.

he gets so mad that im ‘so literal’ ‘all the goddamned time’. okay well...im not yelling every five seconds that the english language is being destroyed and cant accept change. ‘i was taught all the rules and exceptions’. bullshit. if you were, youd speak worse than a goddamned textbook. you wouldnt sound human. you wouldnt fit in to your social environment. you would be stiff. yet whenever you hear a new word, jesus lord almighty the world is coming down around your ears. its bad when others say it, but you dont mind when we do it. righto.

he makes me so mad. he just doesnt want to look outside his viewpoint. as understanding as he is, he doesnt want to learn. he says he likes learning, but he doesnt actually. if it goes away from what he was taught or something hes stood by for forever and a half, he doesnt want it to change. its like tough luck asshole, thats how things happen. if you dont want change, move to a cave. i dont like change either, but im not yelling from the rooftops about it. nor am i blinded by my viewpoints.

the dumb thing about all this is, is that i dont have anyone i can talk to this about. none of my friends really wanted to stay in contact after we grew up. i havent made too many strong relationships after childhood. the ones i have made, i dont want to feel like im bothering them. i dont want to feel like im incessantly talking nonstop and only about myself and my problems. so i bottle it and then it explodes and then after im done writing it out or talking it out, im still angry. my anxiety is still high. but im over it. im done talking about it. i could get riled up again, but it just tires me out.

like i feel like i used to have a good relationship with my dad, but then i moved away. i learned some new things. i saw some different view points. i aligned myself with others that were abroad. i try to look at things differently. and now that ive come back, its like hes exactly where i left him. he didnt change, but i did. he doesnt want to learn or grow. he thinks hes done, that this is the most him he can be.

it makes me really angry because i want to share things with him. i want to talk to him about the things that excite me, that i think might excite him cause we share a lot of common interests. but then all i get is push back and anger and confrontation and it just makes me tired. it makes me angry too, but i just want to be done and over with it. i want to be away from it. from him.

when i left, i didnt know mothers werent supposed to be that way. now that ive learned thats not how any individual should be, i can see how dads shouldnt be that way either. im not saying hes abusive like my mother, but hes nearly there. belittling and jeering and outright testosterone fueled meanness when things dont go his way or i dont perform to his standards. theres even a disparity between how understanding he used to be and how understanding he is now. the older i get and the further i get away from who i used to be, the less understanding he seems to be. it makes me sad. it makes me angry. it makes me want to leave and not come back. it makes me want to go and to go and to go. at the same time, i live in a constant state of existential crisis. life is short and nothing has meaning. all that stuff. so theres fear, true panic inducing fear that dominates my line of thinking for a few days before i get it under control and so i dont want to lose my relationship with my dad. he is probably one of the closest people in my life. but he also keeps getting more distant as time progresses.

nights like tonight just make me want to cry. i go from anger to sadness/panic to exhaustion. like ive ranted, ive changed the subject a couple times now, but i dont feel better. theres still a low simmer of anger in my chest thats constricting in the way anxiety is constricting.

i dont want many more of these situations. i guess its time to move. i dont want to do it permanently, but it looks kinda like it might have to be. and if it is permanent, that means i leave behind my grandmother who means the world to me. it means i leave behind one of my best friends, a friend i believed would die and i wouldnt be informed of his passing a few years ago. i already left some close friends behind in my last state of residency. i read a lot because i choose to escape from things. i have a hard time facing things. like facing the fact that my dad is probably not going to change as a individual and will continue to be confrontational and a hypocrite. i really wanna cry but my depression doesnt allow it.