#i know i didnt talk about murder house or asylum enough but im doing this thing where i get all my thoughts out about the show now

[wouldvecouldveshouldve]

S3 Ep 6 Thoughts (AHS Coven)

Okay long flashbackkkk lets go

the intro music for all the seasons always hits idk why

YES ZOE WRANGLE THE GIRLS INTO HELPING YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO MADISONNNN

ouija board time :]

NO GIRLS DONT BE SCARED QUEENIE NAN DONT FAIL US LIKE THISSSS

cordelia! dump the mans ass! men are BAD cheating men are WORSE you went BLIND and he does this to you? begone thot

oh my god poor zoe finding madisons dead body FIONA WHY DID YOU KILL HERRRR DUMB WITCH

yes zoe! torture spalding!

OH MY GODDDD MISTY DAY LOML <3 LOOK AFTER KYLE YES YES <3

kyle is my zombie bf y'all

wait kyle nO don't murder the radio it did nothing to you! we get that ur traumatized but dont break stevie nicks :(

OMG YAY ZOE CAME TO TAKE MISTY AND KYLE BACK TO THE COVEN TO SAVE MADISON

madisons back bbg

CORDELIAS CHEATING BF IS A WITCH HUNTER??? HELL NAH

honestly misty so fair that shes not taking kyle, my poor swamp witch gf

misty getting bad vibes in the house girl this is american horror story it doesnt get better from here

WHO IS CORDELIA GEYTING ALL SEXY FOR maybe i just dont remember this man

madison babys awakeeeeee (and ofc she remembers her 2 teen choice awards how cool of her)

OH CORDELIA WAS JUST GETTING READY FOR BED BUT THERES A RANDOM MAN IN HER ROOM WITH AN AXE??? OH HELL NAH

oh shit he knows she's a witch oh fuck

OH HES A CRAZY BATHSIT GHOST WHO WANTS TO BE RELEASED FROM THE HOUSE!?!??!?

SIR STOP SWINGING THE AXE AT MY POOR GIRL

YEAH ZOE CAST THOSE SPELLLSSSSSSS

NAN QUEENIE AND ZOE WORKING TOGETHERRR <3

yeah BEGONE get cast away bitch

okay back to fiona bitch whats going on with you

oh her hairs falling out! Oh she has cancer!

Chug that cocktail girl it might be the last one you have left

oh ew spirit guys back? why's hetrying to flirt with old fiona here?

END OF EPISODE????

thoughts: okay this was a very chaotic episode - very scattered, cutting to different characters a lot, but like im understanding more of it. zoe was VERY interested in what could have happened to madison, and girlie was determined to help her - nan and queenie were scared to mess with the ouija board but like it helped them find madisons dead body so woo??? I kinda want them to let zoe's powers play into the series a bit more, since they've focused on nan's ability to hear people's thoughts and queenie's voodoo doll energy. what else ummmm Oh it was great to see misty and kyle, but we kinda see how kyle's reacting to the trauma of his mom by lashing out at misty when he's bathed. i rlly want zoe to take more care of him tho, since misty's kinda given up. RIP the fleetwood mac radio. a shame that misty didnt stay at the coven house though! cordelia's rlly going through it with the blindness, her husband cheating on her AND a spirit trying to hurt her??? poor girl! Rest in piss starling although you kinda suck. And fuck fiona bro, she can go die of old age! imagine killing madison just because she's about to take your place as head witch!

[swampgallows]

i have an appt with my therapist again today in a few hours and i think this will be like her third strike. i feel increasingly uncomfortable talking to her even if she seems invested in my writing etc. it just feels like the same shit all over again. people taking what they want from me and treating me like a commodity, like a personal jester for their entertainment, and then not giving a shit about me or my feelings. she told me it’s okay to talk a lot and to complain but then tells me to stop complaining—”we’ve done that part”—and while i dont like complaining at that point i was just explaining my reasoning more than complaining. 

i feel like she’s frustrated because i’m not making progress as quickly as she’d like and she thinks i have all this potential, and like, no shit. you’re frustrated after two months? try 28 fucking years. this has been the situation my entire life, this is what i’m in therapy for, this is why i’m suicidal. i’m sick to death of people saying all this shit about how i’m not doing enough, i’m not doing well enough, how i’m SO smart and SO this or that and treat me like i’m wasted potential all the time. i’m fucking sick of potential. and i get paralyzed about doing anything because when i do ANYTHING it’s never good enough, it’s always people telling me that i didnt try hard enough or that i didnt do my best or telling me how it could be better.

i busted my fucking ass off in school for nearly two decades, doing all the extra credit and being in advanced placement gifted magnet college prep what have you bullshit, at the top percentile of goddamn everything, and all of it amounted to nothing. all of it is inherently useless. i get to just live with the Good Feeling of doing a good job because it’s reflective of absolutely nothing. i have no life skills and no independence and zero confidence in myself doing anything. i have no faith in myself or reason to live. i dont have a reason to stick around and see anything through and the only reason i havent killed myself yet is because i’m afraid of death, but the only reason i havent committed myself to an institution is because of the backlash i would get from my parents and because of the hefty price tag on the asylum. 

once i get out of the house i usually feel better, but it has been a challenge to get out of the house. it’s a challenge to get anything done IN the house unless it’s something that my parents directly are scrutinizing me for. like “oh she did the dishes! she’s not useless after all.” or “oh she actually was doing something on her computer, looks like she isn’t just sitting around playing games.” and they care about those things not for my welfare but for their own image. they dont want some loser neet child, and i guess i dont really want that either, but only because of the image, really. i’d like to be independent from my parents but i constantly feel like it’s not possible or feasible due to external factors. even when i was employed there was no way i was making enough money to pay rent anywhere. one coworker who didnt live w her parents lived with NINE other people and STILL paid 800 a month. 

and even when i lived alone in my dorm away from my parents, i was still feeling completely useless and had no desire to do anything. i was completely disconnected from the world. raving was good at that time luckily but in terms of just...anything, i was talking to shitty people and meeting up with strangers who luckily didnt murder or rape me... just because. ironically i got hit by a car trying to meet up w a dude from school. i feel like i deserve to be punished and beaten constantly and i low-key do it to myself through denying myself anything. like sabotaging my life through passivity.

but it seemed like my therapist was more sympathetic before in her description of my “learned helplessness”, that it causes me fucking pain to try to do anything on my own. it’s not just nervousness or anxiety, it’s a paralyzing fear. because if i do anything it destroys my mom and then i have to live with that guilt and emotional fallout. i feel horrible that i don’t like my mom as a person, and i dont blame anyone else for also not liking her. i dont describe my mom as likable. i wish i could help my mom, but i can’t, and at the same time, i dont want to. she has sucked so much life out of me and she’s ruining my life but it also feels like i’ll be abandoning her if i go. it’s real fucking easy for my therapist to say “you’re not responsible for your parents” but theyve been responsible for me all this time. i didnt fucking ask to be born but i also feel like i’m literally the only thing keeping my mom from killing herself. i hate when she says “everyone would be better off without me” because to an extent it’s true. we’d be better off without her hoarding everything, we’d be better off not walking on eggshells constantly around her aggressive self-deprecation, we’d be better off without her bigotry (at least i would), we’d be better off without all the shit that makes me not want to help her. i dont want to resent my mom but i already have so much contempt for everything, and i’m so used to having these shackles on that i dont really know how to live without them. 

when i went to target with nate i felt just..shocked and excited but also scared about the fact that i could buy literally anything i wanted at the store for snacks and my parents wouldnt know about it. i wouldnt have to explain to my mom where i “got these” or if i had more or justify how expensive they were or have fear her buying ten more bags of it because i liked it one time. i got to just purchase what i wanted and ate it right there and like thank god they didnt KNOW about it. they’ll see that i spent money at target but they dont know it was on fancy cookies and candy. 

when i had a job i felt more independent because i was making money, and i’m still spending the money that i made, but they still fucking see everything i do unless it’s through paypal. i talked about opening a separate account but theres no way to get the money from that account to my new one without my parents noticing, obviously. it’s hard to take all of the steps that i can envision because i know they are painful. the only way my brother and sister have independence is because they’ve been completely emotionally numb or, more in my sister’s case, have been actively antagonistic toward my parents. my mom is now “afraid” of my sister, and nearly every time she comes over she’s screaming at my mom. 

i dont know the true logistics of opening a new bank account but i guess if i get a new job i could start putting the money in that account. im only applying to costco so far because i have literally no idea of what jobs are out there or what i could do. but costco has good benefits and i really REALLY need my teeth fixed and i REALLY need new glasses. im still wearing the glasses that were in the accident and have a huge gouge out of the center of the right lens. im scared that ive already trained my brain to create a blind spot. 

it helps to write this stuff out but it’s hard to find a solution. and maybe my therapist is also frustrated because she can’t find a solution either. but for me that’s just my fucking reality lmao. the only thing i can really think of is just throwing a dart on a map and sneaking away to some other fucking state or something. that’s really the only way my brother and sister made it out, too. but i dunno where i’d go or what i’d do, still, but at least then it would be more immediate and more on my terms. i’d basically just be throwing a dart somewhere. but then i’d really be alone.