#i know that account just got deactivated for whatever reason but eh

[ask-the-friendly-ink-demon]

Hello!! I'm Elaine. Nice to meet you!! How are you Inky and Bendy :D

"just- prowler. only my close friends and family can call me Bendy... also again. inky? there's no ink demon next to me." he says, grunting at the whispers he was feeling in his mind, those voices. it all felt so familiar. elsewhere in the studios, Lanky kept silent as the lady kept walking, oddly quiet and almost. upset? the lady in violet didn't seem to notice as she keeps on walking

[purplesurveys]

996

This is originally an ask game that’s making the rounds here on Tumblr, but in this blog of course I answer everything. Quarantine Ask Game; questions by ghostly-nblm What’s your go-to snack? I haven’t really have one throughout this lockdown. I just snack on whatever’s available in our pantry - usually we have potato chips, salted egg chips, nuts, etc. And then sometimes my dad will whip up something for us himself, like wicked Oreos, churros, corndogs, and chocolate chip cookies. What’s a movie you could watch over and over? I could probably watch The Proposal everyday for the rest of my life and I doubt you’ll hear a complaint out of me. It’s just so funny, so lighthearted, and the entire cast meshes very well together. Favorite show to binge? Again when it comes to comfort shows/movies, I pick the lighthearted ones because they get me to relax and laugh a lot. That said, my favorite show to binge would be Friends. I recently started binge-watching it again and it feels good to come back to it after several months of not seeing an episode. 5 songs that make you want to dance? Shut Up And Dance - Walk the Moon Cinnamon - Hayley Williams Don’t Start Now - Dua Lipa Caught in the Middle - Paramore 7/11 - Beyoncé So, basically, Top 40 shit because it’s that genre that produces the most dance-y songs anyway. Pls don’t judge lmaaaaaao I like other artists I swear

5 songs that make you feel less lonely? I don’t know if I’ve ever turned to music to feel less lonely...I never really seek out that particular feeling. If anything, I listen to certain songs because I feel alone and I would want it to stay that way for the meantime.

Favorite meal to cook yourself? I always blank out at these cooking questions because I don’t know how to make anything, soz. When I start earning my own money I swear I’ll start experimenting with ingredients in the kitchen. You heard it here first. Seriously guys, when I finally get a stable income and you notice me spending it on unnecessary shit, feel free to nag me and tell me to start cooking!!! How do you “treat yourself”? With food. Food has always been my reward to myself after a long week, a hard exam, a bloody presentation, and basically after getting through something I had been dreading for a long time.   Favorite thing to do when doing self care? Surveys. Who have you been talking to the most? My family, I guess. “The most” is really pushing it though; I don’t talk a lot these days and it’s been difficult for me to sustain a conversation and not drain my battery in the middle of it. One thing you really miss right now? The past. I normally don’t think about it, but if there’s something from the past that I do miss, I end up pining hard for it. If you could be self-isolated with anyone who would it be? Angela. We haven’t seen one another in seven months so we could definitely do with spending seven months together lmao. We miss the shit out of each other. Do you have any pets? Yes :) Small update on my dogs: so for the last four months Kimi has hated having Cooper around and snarls every time he senses he’s nearby. But, and we have no clue what changed, now he has started humping Cooper and wants to be near him all the time...ugh. Favorite video games? At the early early phase of the lockdown I played Mario Kart 8 on the Switch all day long. Then for some reason I stopped and I haven’t played since like April. I haven’t played other video games. Favorite podcasts? Ear Biscuits. Andi has also started their own podcast and it debuted like a week ago; it looks extremely promising, but I’m super behind since I’ve deleted all my socials. I’ll catch up once I’m in the right state of mind and am feeling better enough to come back on my accounts. Favorite YouTubers? The main channels I watch are Good Mythical Morning and The Try Guys. But throughout the quarantine sooooooo many local celebrities have started their own vlog channels and majority of them are super fun to watch. My faves would be Andi Manzano’s, Manny Pacquiao’s daughter Mary’s, and Bea Alonzo’s. Wake up time? These days I try to be out of bed by 8:30 so I can sufficiently prepare and clean up for work, but early on in the lockdown I liked staying up all night and then waking up at like 9 or 10 AM. Sleep time? Anywhere from 10 PM to 1 AM. If you could go anywhere right now where would it be? I’d be in Sagada, vacationing by myself and doing some hiking, spelunking, reflecting, and soul-searching. I wish I can go back there someday; I just reallllly need to be out of the house and out of the city for a while.

What’s a change you want to keep when self isolation is over? There is nothing I wish to keep from this quarantine. It turned my entire life around and I wish I had all the things I had before it instead. Have you learned something? Yeah. Some of them the hard way. Any new skills? I took up a course on marketing last month so that was a lot of fun. Hobby-wise, I’ve been thinking of getting into cross-stitching so I can’t wait to buy my own kit and start with that. I’m also learning a lot of new and super helpful skills at work, like coming up with PR tactics/executions, knowing what will work for a client and what wouldn’t, photo editing, etc. It’s been the best internship experience ever. What’s a hobby you’d like to start learning? ^ The latter. I’d also love to learn how to bake, and maybe? start a vlog because it’d be nice to have an outlet where I can express myself and do new things while sharing my experiences with other people. What’s something you’d like to get better at? I constantly want to improve at my job because perfectionism. What food do you wish you had right now? Coffee shop pastries. :( God I haven’t had one of those in a while; I miss them loads. Your go to quarantine outfit? I don’t have one but man, when I do go out I tend to overdress because I rarely get an opportunity or have a reason to drive out these days, so I allow myself to look cute and all dressed up even if I’m just meant to pick up food at my grandma’s or something. What have you done today? I’ve been taking this survey, taken a shower, cried for a half hour, played with Cooper, cradled Kimi like a baby, checked my emails, and taken a few sips of coffee. Any plans for tomorrow? Work work work. What’s on your “to watch” list? The second volume of Unsolved Mysteries is finally out on Netflix so I’m hoping I get around to watching a few episodes soon. Any musicians/bands you’ve discovered? Most recent one was Chase Atlantic but I discovered them like back in July. Since I’m not listening to a lot of music these days, I’m not expecting to find new bands or singers to get into any time soon. Post a selfie right now!! Eh. Post pictures of your pets! I don’t feel like raking through my photos this morning. Maybe some other time. When was the last time you drank water? Last night at dinner. When was the last time you ate? Last night. When was the last time you got up and stretched? I can’t remember when I last did that. I usually stretch in bed, though.

Favorite song right now? This has been asked on every damn survey recently. I’m sure you’ll find my answer within the first page of my blog. Favorite social media to scroll through? It used to be Twitter until the lockdown hit and everyone stopped going out and having interesting updates. Before I deactivated everything, I loved spending time on Facebook. What’s the last thing you ate? A slice of pizza. What’s the weather like where you are? It’s a little cloudy and cold. I’m expecting it to rain today. Have you been playing animal crossing? No, but I know so many people who have been. How are you feeling? 50% meh, 50% just going through the motions. Who’s the last person you texted? Ate Alyanna. We’re both going through rough patches at the moment so we were cheering one another up. I needed that positivity a lot this morning and I’m glad we had that interaction. What does your last text message say with no context? ”Waaaaaaaa cute” Post a meme that made you laugh recently:

Outdoor activity you’d like to do right now? Hiking, mountain climbing, camping. Anything that’ll help me get disconnected from the world for a few days, really. Something you’re looking forward to when quarantine is over? Doing all those ^, traveling, being able to actually go to a workplace (once I have one), seeing my friends, going to bars again. Someone you’d like to see when quarantine is over? Everybody, man. I don’t give a shit as to who it is. Any new games coming out you want to play? Not really. I’m just waiting on GTA 6 even though there’s been like 0 updates on that front. New shows you’ve discovered? I revisited The Crown, but that’s it. I haven’t discovered anything new. Most comfortable piece of clothing you have? I find all of them comfortable; that’s why I wear them at home haha.

[life-with-disordered-eating-blog]

Recovery Q&A – Thanks to (nearly) 100 followers!

This took so long that I’m now posting it to celebrate 95 followers, not 60. Sorry about that! Real life took over; I have also been busy writing my book and a graphic novel, so I had very little time but to post a quick update here and there.

Now, on to your questions and comments about everything you want to know about recovery and/or everything you are scared of. Thanks so much for submitting them. I did my best to back up my words with actual scientific research!

In chronological order:

I’m scared I’m nothing special without my ED: You’re right, you won’t be special. But let me define “special” when it comes to having an eating disorder.

           When you have an eating disorder, “special” might mean you are so thin you might be hospitalised and forced-fed, or might have a heart attack and die like a 90-year-old (bless all 90-year-olds). It might mean you eat nothing during the day and stuff yourself with food all night, then cry yourself to sleep and hide the “crime” from your family out of shame. Or it might mean you have yellow teeth because you make yourself throw up after every meal.

           “Special” might mean you’re the only one who doesn’t get cake at birthday parties or burgers at McDonald’s. It might mean you don’t go out with your friends because you’re scared of skipping a workout and eating at a restaurant. It might mean you aren’t focusing at work or at school because you’re thinking of food and exercise 24/7.

           “Special” might mean you scream at your mother because she dared make you a bowl of pasta so you wouldn’t have to cook once you got back home after a tiring day. It might mean you go into hyperventilation if you step onto the scale and find out you gained half a pound. It might mean you are always tired, your bones are brittle, your legs hurt from too much running, you can’t sleep, and your brain always feels foggy.

           So you’re right, you won’t be special without an eating disorder. At the very least, you won’t be this kind of special. Is this what you really want to be, though? Make sure you answer this question without thinking disordered thoughts. For a second, be yourself, not your eating disorder. Is this what you want?

           Have a look at this website for a quick rundown of the effects EDs have on your body. This is what happens specifically when you’re undereating. And this is what happens to your brain when you have an ED. Scary stuff, eh? I would much rather be a special snowflake because, I don’t know, I love Iron Man when literally everybody else I know (it drives me up the wall) loves C(r)aptain America, not because an eating disorder is turning my organs into a gallery of horrors and my brain into mush.

I’m scared of gaining weight: Of course you are. I’m not being sarcastic. I read this post from Tabitha Farrar about her theory regarding the fear of eating more and gaining weight. It may not be entirely based on scientific evidence, but I still agree with it; moreover, it stems from the theory that anorexia is a response to famine, which is based on scientific research. Shan Guisinger talks about this with Tabitha in this podcast episode.

           I’m scared of gaining weight, too. Once I got to my lowest weight, I was strongly encouraged to eat and was also monitored until I was back at a “normal” weight according to the BMI – which I think is bullshit, by the way, and lots of research back this opinion.   However, at that point I was still not weight restored because my period wasn’t back, but my mother relented because I didn’t look too much like a skeleton anymore. Moreover, I was still not eating anything but my “safe foods” and was exercising much more than necessary. Fast-forward into 2017, four years later, and I’m still stuck in this “semi-recovered” state, where “semi” means I’m not about to die, but I’m not in a healthy mindset or in a healthy body (still no period).

           Yet, despite knowing how much better it’d be if I gained weight, I was still scared of it. I am still scared of it. It’s science. I can’t fight science, but I can fight whatever might trigger the fear more than necessary. I eat, because you can only truly chase away the fear if you eat enough to convince your body you aren’t in a state of deprivation anymore, but I don’t weight myself. I don’t count calories. I don’t weigh my food. I don’t want to know my weight or the weight of my food or the amount of calories I’m eating. I know that’s very likely to trigger the fear, so I avoid it. I also try to avert my attention when I realise the size of the portion on my plate is distressing me. It might sound funny, but it’s actually working for me.

           So take a deep breath, face your fear, and eat some food. Eating and gaining weight may be scary, but the alternative is so much worse.

What if I get fat when I recover? Yeah, tell me about it. What’s helping me deal with that thought is the concept of Health at Every Size. It means you can be healthy at any weight, provided it’s the natural weight you’re supposed to be at. It means you will be strong and fit and able to eat whatever you want, because your body will let you know when you’re eating too little or too much. Here is a bunch of resources that explain this in more depth.

           This makes so much more sense than thinking fat equals ugly. There’s no other explanation for that equation (fat = ugly) other than it’s the way society has developed over the years. Back in Ancient Greece, the ideal of beauty for women was a curvy woman; I’m not talking about a size-8-curvy-woman (UK sizes, by the way), I’m talking about a size-14-plus-curvy-woman. If you go to any museum and look at a Greek sculpture, you will see that the women portrayed look the opposite of what skinny models are like today. I’m not arguing that either society – Ancient Greece or modern society – is better than the other; I’m just pointing out that fat isn’t inherently bad. We were just brought up to see it that way.

           Moreover, I wasn’t born with an eating disorder – thank the gods nobody is! – and I still remember what it was like when I truly followed my intuition and ate and exercised however I liked. I was on the heaviest end of my set point weight range (here is an interesting reading about the set point theory), but I was happy. Furthermore, I was still developing my adult body, therefore it was normal I would weigh a little more than necessary. Your body needs to grow, so it stores more energy than it does when you become an adult; it’s smart that way. The only reason why I was dissatisfied with my appearance was that other people told me I looked ugly because I was “overweight” (in quotes because this is “BMI speech”, which is – just to reiterate – an incomplete measurement of health).

           So yes, maybe I will get fat once I’m weight restored, but I know I can still be healthy and strong, and do amazing things with my life. In fact, when I don’t have a flatmate taking up 90% of my headspace, I’m confident I will take over the world. And if that means my jeans will stop falling off my hips at the most inappropriate time, then so be it.

I hope this post helps you guys find some motivation to recover. I know a lot of you are struggling with starting true recovery. My personal piece of advice, based on what I’ve seen so far on Tumblr, is very simple: deactivate your ED-related account. Make a new one and make sure you only follow recovery blogs, not pro-ana or thinspo blogs. Then throw your scale out of the window (literally; see if you can lift it and, if you aren’t strong enough for that, it’s only one more reason to recover for real). Find someone you trust, tell them about your ED – if they don’t already know – and make sure they can help you through recovery, meaning they will fight you when your ED takes over and you don’t want recovery anymore, but they will also hold you when you’re crying and thinking you’re ugly, and will tell you that you’re beautiful.

           Then you’re all set. You can do it!