#i know they won't get anything done until like a month before our review so it's up to me to make sure this isn’t a complete shit show

[imafraidoftomorrow]

Watch me single-handedly save my PA program from being shut down during our accreditation review this time next year

[manonamora-if]

September Check-In

WoW another month has passed already... Is time getting faster or my sense of impending end is just getting stronger...

ANYWAY, existential dread aside... August kinda felt like a mix bad. I did do things, but many days I felt like I didn't do enough (prob that dread again - also injury yay). So let's get into it!

Long post ahead again:

Recap of last month's progress

Recap of last week's stuff

Other IF stuff done

Other IF events

Plan for September

- _ -

The plan for the past month was to:

play more IF: ✅, see reviews in @manonamora-if-reviews

whip out something for the Single Choice Jam: ✅ The Dinner*

fix the website: ✅, new and improved*

write for a WIP: 😐not for a WIP but Goncharov Escapes! was remastered (shelved!), and currently working on DOL-OS.

add to the SG guide: ❌, I have a list though

code TTATEH: ❌, MelS isn't done with the edits (long shot).

*still kind of a WIP

I did kind of predict I wouldn't be able to write much in new content...

- _ -

So what about this week:

DOL-OS has been the main think I've been working on this week. And quite a bit of effort has been dumped in there. Since last week progress update:

the translation has been fully completed, and added to the game files (not all is properly coded)

I added some keyboard QoL for the starting puzzle

the UI re-design 75% complete (like coded complete) <- this is taking so freaking long, but it's worth it

I corrected some bugs (padlock, links)

I've been thinking in more details how the added content would look like (text mainly) and how much writing would be needed (a few thousands, I'd wager).

Obviously, I am not done with the project, but I am getting closer. The current hurdle is the finishing the UI-redesign: I really want things to be pristine in terms of visual quality and that requires a lot of testing and detail change. I have a few minor block of passages left and the booting screen to fix, before I can focus on the final beat of the game (not much UI-wise, more regular coding).

This final part will take quite a bit of time as well, because it too requires a bunch of testing (and there's a few accessibility concerns I need to take care of...). I'm confident it won't be too difficult, just... tedious.

But I really want to do a good job with this remaster, adding all the stuff I couldn't the first time before of time constraint (fun fact: DOL-OS was completed in a month...) and coding capabilities (I learned a ton since). I know people really enjoyed it the first time around, but I know it can be even better. Like it should really have that first-place vibe it deserves :P

I am hoping to be done by next weekend, but depending on how polish I can make it, I might need an extra week on top of it. (This would track: 4-ish weeks to make the OG version, 4-ish weeks to remaster it...).

In the meantime, I might post a few screenshots of the redesign and show it in comparison to the current version.

Some of you have noticed the blog has kinda disappeared. It's not gone, just... password locked. The notifications have been run over a bit by bots, the inbox received a few impatient guests, and it's in need of a good cleaning anyway.

I still want to work on the project (I have so many plans), but since writing anything for it has seemed impossible for the past months, I needed a cleaner break from it.

This project is not over, or abandoned. I kind of see it as my magnum opus (because of the sheer size it should have at the end). But because of this, I've realised I need to plan and re-plan things around the project more carefully. And that includes the blog and its content (original or reblogged). I probably should have made a post, huh... but then again, I always to things on a whim :P

Until things have calmed down, it will stay locked. The game, however, is still available to play.

MelS has been doing his best with progress, but lots of IRL work ahead of him, so he's been pacing himself and write when he can. He's kind of sad our hope to wrap up the game by Halloween probably won't happen, but he's trying his best to finish it as soon as possible!

Slightly related: one ending of the game has been written :P (MelS got tired of writing variation, so to do something new he wrote a bit on the last chapter).

Over at @manonamora-if-reviews, I finished reviewing all Single Choice entries. It was loads of fun to see how people interpreted the restrictions. The Jam was even mentioned on Emily Short's blog (patron saint of IF)!

Also in the reviewing department, I'm taking a crack at the Goncharov jam. I had reviewed a few already, but I thought this might be a good time to tackle on the rest! I think I am about half with them. It's nice to get back into the Gonch meme, especially after the remaster

The upload time will be sporadic, like is was the past month.

After that, I think I'll play from French games...

- _ -

Some IF Stuff:

Today is the last day to submit your list of best IF to the TOP 50 list.

Have an IF ghost in your project drawer? Come share and submit it to the Bring Our Your Ghost Jam. Deadline is September 15th!

The IFComp intent deadline has passed, but if you plan on voting for the entries, you can still create an account!

Similarly, if you are planing on reviewing the IFComp entries, you can get your account settled on the IFDB (many peeps create one at the same time during the voting period, and the system sometimes flags it as spam, and hide ratings/reviews).

September is usually a pretty quiet time... unless you are submitting something to the IFComp... But also, I've been trying reeeeaaaaallllyyyyy hard not to look at the Jam tab on itch, so not to be tempted to do a new thing. I've already put out more games this year than last year (counting the tiny ones).

- _ -

The PLAN tm for September

It will essentially be very similar to August...

continue to play and review games (that front page spot is getting closer...). It gives me an opportunity for a break, and I get to think more about game design or writing, or where I could improve. And I get to give the authors some (hopefully) thoughtful words about their games.

finish the DOL-OS remaster. By mid-September, I think I could swing that. Then it will be another shelved game!

either continue a WIP or fix another semi-completed game. I might try to get La Petite Mort in proper shape and translated for the EctoComp? (I need to check if they accept translation, since it was submitted last year)

maybe try to add another block to the SugarCube Guide? I have a few ideas on what to include, but it is mainly a matter of sitting down and doing it. Though I have another template I've been toying with... maybe that might happen first.

That would be neat if I could manage that :P I need to fix the loading screens of Twine games too...

Taking the list of last month...

To-Do not require much of new stuff:

translate Escape Goncharov! into French. ✅

fix the bugs in EDOC + overall the French version to match

fix the bugs of TRNT + find a way to add the missing pieces (mayyyybe translate into French?)

fix the formatting of DOL-OS + translate into English ✅ (ongoing)

update LPM with the missing content + translate into English

The rest of the To-Do pile:

Finish The Rye in the Dark City (and maybe translate?)

Finish P-Rix - Space Trucker (and try to translate)

Finish Exquisite Cadaver (translation unlikely, current gameplay too complex to port for French)

Add a chapter to CRWL + fix the blog

Re-working TTTT to its originally planned state (lol, not likety)

Re-working SPS Iron Hammer (samesies)

Coding TTATEH (MelS dependent)

Emptying my inboxes

(I am pretty sure the focus for the rest of the year will be to finish the first list. With the addition maybe of a small jam entry or two.)

[gazing-imagination]

How to put 'It Works' to work for YOU!

The powerful idea presented so simply and well in 'It Works' will change your life. I know this because it has changed mine. The fantastic results that I have created using this idea have motivated me to investigate these principles for 25 years.

I want you to be rich with things that make you happy. I'm going to give you ideas and images you can use to help you be more successful with the list technique presented in 'It Works'.

What I have Done With 'It Works'

My annual income is now 35 times greater than it was the day I first read this little book. I have gained houses, cars, boats, businesses, friends, a family, and numerous creative and prospering ideas using the principles set forth in this book.

In the last 25 years I have spent thousands of hours teaching these ideas to other people. I've seen many people use the ideas in this book to create something new in their life, and I have seen others who are not so successful with it. I want you to be one of the successful ones.

How to Succeed with your List

First, let's take a little test. Take a sheet of paper (or your word processor) and without looking at the book write down the 'Three Positive Rules of Accomplishment' that are the key to this technique.

Then go back and compare them to the text. How did you do?

Did you miss a few? I did when I first tried this test myself.

If you read this book and it never goes farther than words and ideas in your mind, then you have lost the advantage of it.

The key to success with this method it to DO IT, not just think about it. Don??t think that by reading it, even many times, that you will know it. That would be like thinking that you know how to ride a bicycle just by reading about it. In order to master the bicycle, you have to get on it and ride, learning to keep your balance as you move forward. That is exactly the way you learn the principles of conscious creation taught by ??It Works??.

When I first started using the technique in this book, I wrote my first list, and started getting great results. Then after a month or so, I stopped writing and reviewing the list, and tried to 'do it in my head'. I didn't get the same results.

I went back to using the list, and the great results started happening again. Then I got what I wanted and let things slide, and the cycle repeated.

Meanwhile I started studying the ideas and teaching them to others. In the process I learned some interesting things I am sharing with you.

What I learned is that each of us has a spark from the Creator which is our own personal creator, like a genie from a magic lamp. The problem with this genie is that he responds to every thought in my mind as if it were a command. If I think of something with desire, he starts creating that for me. If I start to worry or fear, he starts to erase that creation.

Wherever I put my attention, the genie starts multiplying that attention into a real experience in my life. All of this creation takes place in a part of my mind called the subconscious mind. The subconscious mind is the part of my mind that holds the tremendous creative power that I can learn to tap into and use. However, it has a special way of working that I must understand if I want to use my subconscious mind power effectively.

If my attention wanders all over the place, my subconscious becomes full of half-created thought-forms and my life is chaotic or boring. That??s because the genie is busy trying to do a million different things at once, many of which contradict each other. His efforts always follow in the track of my attention, and until I get my attention going in a constant direction, I don??t get the results I would like.

The plan given in 'It Works' helps me to control my attention, and put that genie to work with enough time and focus to produce real and complete results. It will work the same way for you.

My conscious mind sets the agenda, but I often get distracted by the half-formed and malformed effects of previous wishes and desires. Many of those desires are unconscious, created with incomplete understanding or fear or worry. The genie does what I tell him, but he listens to my daydreams and worries and treats them as commands.

This creative power responds to what I believe. I have come to realize that what I believe is not necessarily the same as what I think. It's easy to know what I believe - it is what I act on. It is what I do. Even while I am unable to admit to myself what I really believe, my subconscious mind is working to make circumstances, opportunities, and events in my life to experience those beliefs.

How do I change what I believe, so that I can get what I want? There is a simple way to do this. It has been discovered and rediscovered by teachers and writers throughout the ages.

Here it is:

I can imagine what I want, I can pretend that it is so, and I can repeat this over and over.

The creative genie of my subconscious mind responds to imagination, focused attention, and repetition. That's what the book 'It Works' is all about.

How to Get Faster and Better Results

Here are things that will help you create more successfully when you use the technique presented in ??It Works??. These are things that I have discovered in the last 25 years of using 'It Works.' Each of these is a suggestion based on actual experiences with using the list. Use the ideas that sound good to you.

The most important thing is to do exactly what it says. Follow the plan exactly: Create a list, include what you really desire in order of its importance to you, read the list three times a day, think of the items on the list as often as you can, and don't tell anyone what you are doing.

For faster demonstration of results, you can rewrite the list each day, even if it hasn't changed. Reorder the items on the list according to their importance to you. Doing this makes the ideas new again, and will lead to more rapid success. It??s also important to do something physical with your ideas, as soon as possible. Writing them out is a way to give them entry into the outer world of manifestation. It creates a toehold for their growth into physical reality.

If you have a tape recorder, you can read the list out loud in a firm voice and tape it. Then play the tape over and over again (perhaps in your car as you commute to and from work). This needs to be done and played in private. That's easy nowadays since you can get an inexpensive tape player with headphones.

I found a little digital recorder that records into it's own computer memory, and then plays it back over and over again through headphones. You can also do this with the 'Sound Recorder' program that is built into most personal computers.

Put real amounts, specific items, and specific dates in your list. Some people worry that this is 'outlining' and delays manifestation. But what good is it to get Coke when you want Pepsi, or Pepsi when you want Coke? You don??t plant strawberries and expect to harvest watermelons. The most important thing is not a particular item on your list, but developing your power of conscious creation.

Do you have trouble remembering the items on your list? If so, it may be that they are not really that important to you. Try memorizing the items on your list.

Are you having trouble finding ten things to put on your list? Are you unsure which things should really be on the list? Here??s an easy way to build your list: ask yourself- ??What do I think about all day??? That is what should be on your list. You may have to start by listing your worries, and then turn each of them into a positive desire. For example, what do I worry about? What would need to happen for me to not worry about this any more?

If you have trouble finding things that you want, try thinking of it in another way. What would you like to see happen?

How will you know it is working?

When you receive an idea about something that is on your list, act on it in a positive way. Sometimes the thing you want requires a few intermediate steps. Be ready to go through several doorways as they open before you, to reach your goal. If you want a car, perhaps you will find yourself creating a new set of tires first, or a garage to keep the car in.

Realize that many of the things you want will find you. You will be tempted to say, 'but I didn't do anything, it just happened.' Your inner mind genie will use the simplest and most efficient way to create the results you imagine. It doesn't care who gets the credit. After a while you won't either!

Remember that your genie is working nonstop, according to the program that you set for him. If you say, ??this can??t be working??, he will do his best to make that seem true ?V even while he continues his nonstop creation of the other things you ask for.

How will you know it is working? For most people it is not one thing, or two things, but the fact that one thing after another manifests in their lives. The first thing you get from your list seems to be a coincidence, the second is luck, the third is serendipity, and the forth is a miracle. Finally after many creations, when your friends start wondering what the heck is going on, you will realize that there is a simple and rational law in operation, and that you know how to use it.

Get excited and enthusiastic about the good things coming into your life. If this doesn't seem natural to you, go ahead and use your 'power of pretend' to fake it until you make it. Appreciation is the oil of the engine of creation. Enthusiasm and excitement are manifestations of your appreciation, and confirmation of your positive expectation.

The attitudes that will delay your success or confuse your creation are jealousy, envy, resentment, reservations, uncertainty, and indecisiveness. Put all of those to the side. The more you recognize your own creative ability, the less you will care about those things that these attitudes have been attached to. You just won??t have time for those ways of thinking any more.

There is no such thing as a negative thought - every thought has a positive result in reproducing itself. Every thing you think about grows in your mind and becomes part of your physical life. That??s why it is so important to control what you are thinking. The key to controlling your mind is replacing the thoughts that create what you don't want, with the thoughts that create what you do want. You do not resist the old thoughts, you replace them by putting your attention somewhere else. Using your list is your key to accomplishing this. Use this physical tool to reinforce the thoughts that you want.

Think of your subconscious mind as being like a sailboat in the middle of the ocean. The sailboat is blown everywhere, back and forth, by the wind, which is the power of thought. It needs a keel and a rudder to be able to set a course and make way to a certain destination. Your list is the keel and the rudder of your subconscious sailboat.

Thought follows a certain structure in your mind. The idea comes first, then the belief, then the attitude, and then the behavior. Your strongest foundation, the anchor of your thinking, begins with your behavior. Change your behavior, then change the attitude that changing the behavior reveals, then change the belief that inspires the attitude. Grab hold of an idea that is bigger and more inclusive than the small ideas that have kept you poor and unhappy.

When you are tempted to tell everyone what you are doing to make the changes in your life, send them a copy of this book instead. After you have received 40 things you have asked for, you can start talking about the process you are using. Keep a list of everything you get until you receive 40 things you have asked for.

Many people find this book, and use it to get one important thing, and then abandon this method. How did this book come into your life? Your genie brought it to you, or brought you to it, in response to your conscious or unconscious desire to create a specific experience, or to understand creation itself. Take advantage of this experience, and make this intelligent, conscious creation a way of life, not a one-time experience.

??Hey Peter, get back in the boat!?? - the other 11 apostles

Trying to control other people and make decisions for them is a misuse of them, and of your own creative power. The most important thing you can make is a decision. Trying to take that opportunity for creation away from others is based on fear, not love. Fear in your mind will generally create things you do not want. Lewt people learn their lessons. God loves them, too.

I learned something wonderful long ago, that will give you freedom. I can??t prove anything to you about anything important or meaningful. However, I can tell you how you can experiment and prove these things to yourself. If I walked on water, you would be looking for the rocks. If you walk on water, you will know that there are no rocks. Using this list will show you how to walk on the water of your life. You will have to learn to politely ignore your friends as they yell: ??Hey Peter, get back in the boat!??

The Toyota Principle

The subconscious mind creation process goes on all the time. You don't have to be good to make it work. You don't have to chant, exercise, or repeat magic words. You are rich now with the results of what you have been thinking about. Your life is always full of something. If you want to be rich with something else, change what you are thinking about.

As you develop your ability to consciously direct your creation process, as you build your confidence and increase your will power, your results will come more quickly and be more satisfying. Don't delay this process by calling the results coincidence. Wait until you have received at least 40 items on your list (by receiving something and replacing the list item with a new item) before you judge the results as coincidence or creation.

You are already a success at creating what you are thinking about - everyone is. The biggest enemy of conscious control is self-importance - which may manifest in disguise as self-deprecation, worry about what others think of you, or the desire to have others approve of you. Don't let your ego distract your from taking control of your mind and your life.

Everything in your life is there because you have asked for it through either desire or fear. Nothing comes to you by itself. I call this the "Toyota Principle" because there used to be a commercial advertisement on television for a certain car company with the catchphrase "You asked for it - you got it - Toyota!' When you have used your list for a while, you will begin to see this is true, and then vast realms of possibility will open in your life.

It's a friendly universe.

If you are of a certain religious orientation, you might be concerned about this creative process and think it is a possible affront to God. I don't think it is. Think of the New Testament phrase, ??Pray without ceasing.?? I have decided that this is a description of what we all do all the time. We pray nonstop without knowing it. Practice of the method of conscious creation will show you what prayer is, how it works, and that it is always functioning. I am firmly convinced that learning how my mind works, and how to use it more effectively to help myself and others, is what God wants me to do. How about you?

You don't have to believe in God to use the list. However, don't be surprised if using the list shows you that there is order and structure to the universe, including your mind as a part of that universe. Your world is a lot closer to you and more responsive to you, than you may have considered it to be. It's a friendly universe.

Be careful about including other people on your list. If you want joy and happiness with Jane or Bill, is the joy and happiness more important, or the relationship with Jane or Bill? Maybe the best way to be happy with Jane is let her go find Bill, and let Suzy come find you. As long as you are focused on what someone can give to you, you aren??t yet completely experiencing love.

It may be tempting to think your success is dependent on the channel it happens to come through - your job, your family, a particular relationship or thing you possess. Time and experience will show you that this is not so. In the meantime, place your sense of appreciation and thankfulness on the Creator within you, who has made you in his image as a creator. When the river of your life changes its channel, you had better be ready to go with the flow.

How fast will it work? Faster than you will expect. I put the number one item on my list last week and it manifested in two days ?V and I thought it would be six months or maybe never. Fortunately, while writing and then rereading that list item, I suspended my disbelief. Even before your pen finishes the sentence, the act of creation has begun. Of course there is no magic in the pen or paper ?V the magic is in making the decision a physical thing instead of just a mental idea. No matter how long you use this method, there will be times when you are just utterly amazed at what ??happens?? to you. (It isn??t happening, you are creating it.) How fast can it happen? Don??t blink twice ?V you??ll miss it.

Everything you think will try to prove itself ?V including your skepticism. If you are afraid of what others will think of you, or of what you will think of yourself, then you may be fooling yourself while thinking you are being completely rational. The world is plastic to the molding power of your thoughts ?V even while you think this is untrue, or don??t have a thought about it at all. Everything lives and moves and has its being in a sea of self-modifying thought. You can prove this to yourself, and put it to effective use, with the simple experiment of work with the list for a few weeks or months.

It doesn't take much time or effort. You have nothing to lose. No one will even know you are doing it. They will just think that you have suddenly become incredibly lucky, intelligent, charming, and good looking. It helps to smile a lot.

Creating complete mind pictures is very helpful. That is another book in itself. Feeling joy and enthusiasm about your mental creation is very helpful. It will start to happen naturally as you use this process over and over, because ?{

It Works!.🏄‍♂️ ~Brad Jensen

[every-jai]

Just a Table Ch. 4

Finally, the next part of my newest Fan fiction. Real life hit me a little, so sorry for the delay. I hope you enjoy it anyway. Reviews are welcome as always!

I'm pregnant....and it's yours" For nearly ten seconds all the colors drained from Jai's face, then it changed to pure rage. "Don't be ridiculous; we haven't been together for months!" She smiled. "3 months to be exact, and I'm 14 weeks pregnant. You ARE the father!" Jai scoffed and dragged me to the elevator "May I remember you, that you were so afraid of getting pregnant, that we even with you taking the pill, always used condoms? If not the doubtful case happened, that both failed - and I can't remember a broken condom - then this is not mine!" The elevator doors closed and left a stunned Kat behind.

Jai stood on the other end with his head held down. He clung to the railing so hard; his knuckles turned white. Suddenly he roared out and kicked the wall with all his power. "This woman really knows how to push my buttons, I have no idea, what I've done to deserve this!" I let him act out his anger and stayed behind.

When we arrived at his flat, he threw his keys in a corner, followed by his shoes. Anxious he wandered thru the room "what if she really has my Baby? I don't want to let the Kid down!" I sighed, scooped the keys out of the corner, placed his shoes beside the door and let myself fall onto the bench at the table. "Didn't you just say it couldn't be yours?" He leans on the kitchen counter "I'm pretty sure... I think so... Damn, I don't keep a book every time I slept with my girlfriend!" he sat down beside me. "Kat has nothing to do with Kids, she doesn't even like them. Every time Indy and her brother were visiting us, she left for her parents, and when we flew to Sydney for them, she always stayed in the background, never played with them. I just had to start talking about Kids, and she instantly throws a fit. Kat said, we had plenty of time for that, and she didn't want to 'ruin' her shape for them just yet." he put the word 'ruin' into exclamation marks with his fingers. I looked at him with a crooked head. "You want to have Kids?" Jai nodded weakly "Would love to have a family in the not so far future. I don't want to be an old Dad. I know it's not that easy with a job like mine, so I would always make sure that they won't miss me too much. But think I can skip that now" He looked really miserable, and it broke my heart to see him like this.

I just opened my mouth to said something reassuringly, when a loud and obnoxious banging started on the door. Jai rolled his eyes "ready to rumble again!" He opened the door, and Kat stormed inside. "How dare you to leave me alone down there!" she hissed, and Jai scowled at her. "Welcome, please come in!" he said sarcastically. Unimpressed she crossed him and threw her handbag on the table beside me. "So that you know what's up, I have a few terms you have to agree to." Jai looked at her completely stunned "Terms? You have terms? I don't think..." I stood up, went to Jai and laid my hand on his arm. "wait, let's hear what she has to say" I winked at him and took my cell phone, there was something I suddenly remembered. "Yeah, listen to your little ladylove, Jai" He crunched his teeth, "OK, tell me"

A smug smile spread across her face. "Good, these are my conditions: First, we are going to be seen in public together again. I'll accompany you to every Shooting, every premiere, every event. We don't want that something like this" she pointed her finger at me "happened ever again, don't we?" again, Jai wanted to say something, but I held him back with a shake of my head. "Please, let her finish" Kat nodded at me nearly appreciative, only to destroy it a second later "Thanks, whatever your name is" I had to cover a grin, she really was a handful. Let's see how long it lasts. "Second: I'm going to move back in, or we will look for a house together, you do not want that your child grows up in such a single dump, right?" Now I had to held Jai down with all my strength so he couldn't jump at her throat "Easy big boy, just a few more minutes" I looked back at Kat. "May I ask how long are you aware that you are pregnant?" Kat looked at me questioning "This is none of your concern" Now Jai jumped in "But it is mine! so, how long?" "Don't know, four weeks I think. I wanted to wait until the critical first 3 months are over, so I can be sure not to lose it" Great, this was the answer I was hoping for. Jai looked at me doubtfully, then back to Kat "That's all?" She shook her head "Just one more thing: I want her" again she pointed at me, "out of your life, completely! You are throwing her out, delete her number, and make sure that you do not meet again." Jai laughed humorlessly "And how should I do this? She's working for the same studios as I most of the time!" Kat just shrugged "I don't care, you are the famous actor here, do something about it. You will fulfill all my conditions, or the tabloids, the studios, directors, production companies and all your oh so precious fans will learn to know how bad you treated your pregnant ex-girlfriend. I think I can remember how you forced me to get an abortion"

Jai and me were amazed. She was absolutely ready for the utmost. But she wasn't the only one with a plan. Confident that she already won, Kat sat down on Jai's Laptop. "I see, we all agree. I would say you Jai, can call the mover, and I will look out for a real estate agent. And you," again she was pointing at me "go pack up your stuff and get the hell out of here." Neither Jai or me moved an inch. Her cell phone ringed, but she wasn't paying attention. I crossed my Armes in front of my chest and smiled "I think you better should look at that." Annoyed Kat picked up her phone, unlocked it and was cringing instantly. "what... What is that, where did you get this from?" Her once so calm and smug features turned into sheer panic. Now I was grinning from ear to ear. There, on her cell phone, three very revealing party pics of her, drinking heavily just a few days ago, were showing. "Maybe you should be careful when you're out and about."

I showed Jai the same photos on my phone. He stared at them in anger. Suddenly he grabbed Kat by her arms and shoved her out of the door. "Don't you dare ever approaching me again. If I see any of your accusations in public, just a glimpse or rumor going around of this, I swear to god, I sue you into oblivion. I think my lawyer will be very very interested in this." with that, he nearly smacked the door in her face. Jai lends on the closed door. "I can't believe she really tried to blackmail me! But please tell me, where did you get those pictures from?" Smiling I showed him a friends facebook page. "Kat was on a private Party a few days ago, where he was too. I remembered that the moment she said she was about 3 Month pregnant. Even Kat isn't so reckless with an unborn" He hugged me tightly. "Damn girl, you literally saved my life!"

3 weeks later my arm was fully healed. No more surgery was necessary, but a scar would be left. We hadn't heard anything more from Kat, it seems she was too afraid of a lawsuit.

I was just packing my last things, when Jai appears in the doorway, looking a little sad. "It will be very lonely around here without you" I smiled at him "well, now you can do what you want again, no more caretaking for me" Two, three long strides and Jai stood in front of me, tugging me into his Armes. He looked deep into my eyes "Honestly, there is just one thing I want to do right now" The next second his warm, soft lips pressed on mine. Without thinking about it, I kissed back. Jai's Armes sneaked around my back, and his hands gently stroked down till they laid on my hips. Seconds later I ended the kiss breathless and laid my forehead to his. "You have no idea how long I dreamed about this" he whispered softly, stroking my Nose with his. "Please, don't go!" I shook my head slightly "I'm sorry, but I have to" Confused he took a step back. I took his hand and set down on the bed with him. "Look, I want that as much as you do, believe me. But you just came out of a long relationship. Sometimes people fell in a black hole after that, and search for a distraction." Now he nearly went furious. "What do you think of me? I would never... " again I kissed him softly. "Only the best, believe me. I just want us to be on the same page about this." Jai looked at me pleadingly "We are! You aren't a distraction, please believe me!" I caressed his cheek "I do! Look, I'm going to New York for two weeks tomorrow. Let's use this to get clear about our feelings towards each other. Go out to a party, meet other women, do whatever you want, and if your feelings are still the same in two weeks time, you pick me up from the airport, ok?" He nodded. "if that's what you want" "it will be good for both of us."

He went to the door with me, hugged and kissed me one more time lovingly. "I'll see you in two weeks, you won't miss me, I'm the big guy with a bouquet of red roses waiting for you!" I laughed and went back to my apartment.

During my time in NY, we avoid any contact, which was very hard for me, to be honest. I missed Jai and was pretty sure about a relationship with him. The whole flight back home I couldn't think about anything else, couldn't wait to see him again, at the same time, I was terrified that his feelings would have changed.

The moment I arrived at the airport, I looked around for Jai, but couldn't find him. I waited for 10 minutes, then 20, ran around from baggage reclaim to the terminal exit and back, but no sight of him. Devasted I called a Cab and went back to my place. A pity, I was really sure that there was something between us. Tired I laid down on my cold, nearly unfamiliar bed. Just before I fell asleep, I remembered that my phone had died down a few hours ago. I plugged it into the charger and turned it on. Suddenly a dozen missed calls, and even more messages popped up on the screen. Ben, Sophie and oddly enough James, had tried to reach me. When I opened the first message from Ben, my heart stopped working: "(y/n), please call me urgently, Jai had an accident!"...

[sabreean]

Plastic free personal care:

Hair: This is a major category for me because I have a horse’s mane - 2 1/2 feet long, baby-fine but as thick as any 2 or 3 other people combined. — As soon as the current bottle is empty I will switch to bar shampoo. Many companies make bar shampoo and conditioner so there are a lot of naked products to choose from, and I mean a LOT, so making a decision took a long time and a lot of reading. myHumankind makes some, so does Sheets, but I have decided to try Ethique. They offer mini bars for sale so you can give them a try first and are the perfect size for traveling, they sell plastic-free compostable shower storage boxes for the full size bars (the boxes last about 5 years before they start to break down) and they have unscented. I received my Bar Minimum mini today and may hair feels very clean. It didn’t lather up as much as bottle liquid shampoos but maybe it isn’t supposed to. The Ethique web site says that it will “foam” but that wasn’t my experience. Eh, whatevs, it worked. They also have a purple bar set, for us blondes and silvers, and I don’t think *any* other brand makes that in bar/naked form. —I can’t use bar conditioner, I just have too much hair. But Ethique makes concentrates of many of their products - large bars that can be melted with boiling water into a cream/liquid and stored in whatever bottle is already sitting around. So I am going to try their conditioner concentrate when the current stuff is used up and just reuse the bottle that’s in the shower now. —I keep a small container of dry shampoo handy because the crown of my head needs washing a lot more often than is good for the length of my hair. I’m light blonde so the dry shampoos that lighten your hair don’t look weird but that’s a consideration for people with darker hair, and some brands make dry shampoos specifically for darker hair or claim that their all-for-one won’t make you the Bride of Frankenstein. I have Billie right now (two shades available, for light or dark hair, unscented) which comes in a plastic bottle, but only because I got a sweet discount on it with my first Billie razor set and I hadn’t yet gotten on the zero waste wagon. In a pinch, if you have light hair or don’t care about the lightening, you can just use cornstarch. It’s cheap, it’s in every store, it comes in a cardboard box and it’s the main ingredient of some dry shampoos anyway. But looking for an alternative to the Billie has shown that all-natural dry shampoos are more prevalent than I would have suspected. I even found a zero waste, unscented one that’s made here in Hawaii! — Two reasons to hope I love Ethique’s products: they have pet products. And they are a certified B Corp whose business practices and ethics kick the ass of pretty much any other company out there, maybe even Lush. They tick hippie boxes I didn’t know existed. — If I need to set my hair, I use aloe vera juice. If I need to slick it down I use conditioner. If I need to deep condition it, I use whatever oil is within reach. Heat never touches it. The only hair products in my home are shampoo and conditioner. It’s 2 1/2 feet long, “styling” ain’t something that happens here. It braids, it barrettes, it buns, it tails. So while there may be all natural, zero waste styling products out there, I don't use them. Maybe I'll do a whole separate article some day just to point the way but I won't have dick to say about them.

Deodorant: I don’t sweat much and BO has never been a problem - until now. I am going through it at three times the rate I did before. I have a mini unscented deodorant bar in my Ethique sample pack but the full size is a block that requires an airtight container they don’t sell, and a good number of reviewers reported it leaving white streaks on their clothes that don’t wash out. I just used it for the first and I’m wearing a sleeveless dress so I can’t speak to streaks, but it has a pasty consistency that means you have to wash your hands after using. So…probably not going to go with the full size, as much as I want to love Ethique. I ordered the full size Native unscented deodorant, which is a stick in a paper tube that you push up from the bottom, just like that orange treat you got from the ice cream truck when you were a kid). Sheets has the same but not unscented. myHumankind makes unscented but are currently sold out except to current subscribers who just need refills whereas I’d be a first time buyer, and anyway their dispenser contains a little bit of plastic which ain’t no thang if your community has recycling. Ours doesn’t, so I think I’ll stick with the paper tubes. -- Some brands make powders which I’ve tried and while they can be messy, they work. Other brands make pastes that come in glass jars and you apply with some spatula-like thing, but I can’t get excited about schmearing myself like a bagel. As with hair you have a lot of options to work through if you want to go plastic-free or plastic-minimal. -- The obvious question is whether all natural deodorants work for people who sweat heavily and I really don’t know since I’m not one of those. I’ve read the reviews on all the brands I considered and the answer to that question appears to be much “Your mileage may vary”. Everybody's body chemistry is different so ever product performs differently. Some sites talk about "detoxifying" your pits but bitch, please.

Teeth: — When my current tube of Dr. Bronner’s runs out I will try myHumankinds tooth tabs. I used Lush’s tooth tabs for a long time and I think tabs are fantastic - you can put them in carryon luggage without doing TSA’s stupid human tricks and they take up much less space. Other brands make powders which like deodorant powders above can be messy. But read the ingredients if you go the powder route - some store brands are just flavored baking soda which still works well, but at 10x the cost of a box of Arm & Hammer and they can just fuck right off with that scam. Other brands make pastes that come in glass jars and I think I saw one brand that uses a tube made of sugarcane. Or maybe that was face moisturizer. I don’t remember now. — I’ve been using bamboo toothbrushes for over a year and the subscription option means it’s easy to ensure that you are changing out your toothbrush as often as your dentist lectures you about (I also have reminders on my calendar every three months to nudge). I use Brush With Bamboo brushes because the bristles are USDA certified as 100% biobased and am very happy with them. The bristles aren’t falling out and they are soft enough for tender gums. — There are also plenty of zero waste dental flosses and mouthwashes out there. I don’t use floss so can’t comment (flossing makes my gums bleed, has done so my entire life, even dental hygienists have a bitch of a time flossing me and give up quickly). I have used Lush mouthwash tabs and they work very well, I’m sure all the other do too. But I don’t feel a need to keep any on hand. I’ll update if I change my mind.

Skincare: — My current supply of face moisturizer will last me a good while but when it runs out, again, plenty of bar options and oh so many glass jar options, and a few brands use tubes made out of a sugarcane material. Finding a face cream your face loves is a trial-and-error pain in the ass, I may just default back to Lush even with the plastic pot. My skin loves Magical Moringa so much and it’s created to be matte, so I don’t have to worry about the island humidity leaving a shiny oil slick on my face. Plus it’s thick enough and ‘dry’ enough that it stands a far better chance of surviving shipping conditions than Lush’s other products. — I want to try Ethique’s body lotion concentrate when my jar of Queen Helene cocoa butter runs out but it will be hard to convince me that anything is better than the Queen. — My current shower soap is Lush and when they discontinued my favorite I loaded the hell up, so I won’t have to make a decision on that for months. I may just share my partner’s, it’s in a plastic bottle but I love its orangey scent. I use my shower gel to wash my face because it’s Lush so I don’t need a separate gentler face cleanser. But I did use the mini Bliss Bar that came today in my Ethique sample pack and my face likes it quite well so maybe I’ll stick with it. Finding a new face cleanser can also be a trial-and-error pain in the ass…um, cheeks… — I exfoliate my face and body by mixing sugar into my shower gel, on the rare occasions I feel the need for a face mask I use straight honey (creamed/whipped/spun if I can find it), and for toner I mix tea tree oil into witch hazel liquid. Sorry I don’t have any opinions on specialty products out there but for these three things I’ve always been DIY. The toner and honey mask are good options for people with acne because honey and tea tree oil are natural antimicrobials, if that helps ease your sense of loss.

Shaving: I’ve been using Harry’s safety razors for a few years because I did the math - the subscription safety razors live up to their press, you really do save a shit-ton of money over disposables and they work much better. I switched to Billie just before I moved to the island because of the magnetic razor holder that it comes with, and really that was the only reason for the switch, the razors are just as good (although I admit the differently shaped handle of the Billie is easier for me to handle without dropping). -- I use hair conditioner or shower gel to shave with so I can’t comment on shave-specific products that are plastic-free, although there are a lot out there to choose from. The only shave-specific product I’ve used is Cremo and I liked it very much but it comes in a plastic tube.

Lip balm: It’s in a plastic jar because that’s the only way I can get it but I use straight up 100% anhydrous lanolin (the thick stuff, not liquid). It works incredibly well, is unscented/unflavored, and doesn’t wash off too easily. I order it from bulk supply houses like LotionCrafter or Bulk Apothecary because much cheaper than buying it off the shelf at a store. To exfoliate my lips I mix sugar and just enough oil or honey to make a paste. I don’t know that any one oil is better than any other for this, I just use whatever I have around - almond, avocado, coconut, and there’s always olive in the kitchen.

Tools: I use myHumankind bamboo swabs and I love them! The stems are bamboo and the cotton organic. The stems are rigid and strong, the cotton is tightly wound, and both are very important now that I'm regularly gunking up my ears with salt and sand and water. They are going to be great for makeup if I ever get around to wearing any. Maybe in September when we take our long weekend on Maui. -- If I get to the point that I need cotton balls, which I haven't since I moved here, I would probably try the washable bamboo pads that so many places sell. I used cotton balls before because I just...always had them. It's one of those things you always kept in the bathroom because doesn't everybody and your mom always bought them so I did too. Weird how that works, ain't it?

Feminine hygiene: I'll be blunt, don’t ask me. I haven't had a period in well over a decade because I practice menstrual suppression. And I’m of croning age now so it will be a moot point before long. I can’t contribute to this conversation. Sorry.

[onthemasspike]

Your heart's too big for your body, it's why it won't fit inside.

When I’d gotten the call, the only place I could’ve held an interview was the bakery. He said anywhere in Boston, wherever my favorite place was. The truth was that I’d slaved, working endless hours to make Tricks and Sweets more than just a bakery but a haven for people who want a break from their busy lives, a place that celebrated art and expression. It hadn’t been so simple to build a bakery from the ground up. The building had been standing, but between choosing paint swatches, every single piece of furniture and updating the kitchen, it had taken months for it to become home. This was my pride and joy, my place of solace and often fortress of solitude. Admittedly, I was intrigued by the idea of an interview but I also knew that I was more practiced than my peers. Years of stardom had urged me to perfect my every answer or I’d told what answers to provide. Plus, recently the bakery had gotten a good deal of press. In the back of my mind, I missed the fame, missed the life of being on top of the world but I would never give up my new life for anything, or my freedom. It was odd to be interviewed now and I had to really anticipate what they’d ask, what they wanted. Before was so superficial because they wanted my face in their magazine, they wanted the sales attached to my fame. Now it was about my actual success or about who I was to have accomplished so much at such a young age. A part of me wondered if my parents even wondered what I was but they probably knew now that Javier did. I wondered if they were working together in attempts to scare me, to have me run back to Argentina. Good thing I didn’t scare easily.

I’d researched John Ross and his punctuation in preparation, and read article after article. I wanted to make sure he would be fair and balanced, that he would paint us as we are and not in broad strokes. I hide enough as it is, I don’t want to provide an opening for someone to hurt me further. I am who I am from losing everything and I won’t go down without a fight. A part of me wondered if this was scheduled at the hands of Trent Foster. Was he scheduling this to get information through Mr. Ross? I wouldn’t doubt it. At this point, I wouldn’t put anything past him. Not that I’d give up anything particularly juicy. Even my closest friends don’t know the whole story, mostly because I don’t think I can let everything spill. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life and I don’t want anyone to uncover them. I find that my biggest problem is that I think too much, I tear things apart in my mind so I tear them apart in my life. I’m trying so hard not to ruin everything I’ve built. People see me the way I allow them to see me, presenting myself in the best light because I know what they want from me. I know how to play a role better than anyone and I play it well. No one knows who I am when the lights are off. And I’m not about to show any of it to some reporter who wants to go viral.

Mr. Ross seemed surprised on the phone when I spoke to him, said he expected my favorite place to be somewhere other than my work. I suppose many people aren’t workaholics like me. They work during the day and have social lives. All I can say is that this is what I was molded into. I was working full-time from maybe twelve or thirteen, desperate to get out from my parents. If call was at five am, I was there at four forty-five. I did any and everything to seal my place at the top of the pack and it paid off. By the time I was sixteen, I had a mansion in my name, a selection of cars and more money than I knew what to do with but I wasn’t happy. And this isn’t one of those yogi type, Buddhist minimalistic nonsense. The truth was that I was trapped in a life and, while there were some high points, my favorites were getting high off of the treats I made in that fancy kitchen. When you are caged, told exactly who you are supposed to be, you forget who you really are. I don’t know if Mr. Ross googled me or if he knows anything about my previous life but I wouldn’t give it up for anything. I’m so grateful for the struggles that have led me here and learning everything I have has only made me stronger. Everyone wants the story of the underdog but I can only give them the story of The Babydoll.

He arrived promptly at seven thirty am, gazing around the bakery while scribbling in a notepad. I think he was surprised I’d asked him to come so early but I had a business to run and I didn’t want to sacrifice much time to do it. The bakery is open daily from eight am to six pm, but I tend to arrive anywhere from four to five am to prep for the day. I bake everything fresh, and I keep careful track of how many hours the pastries have been sitting in the display case, often putting them aside in favor of freshly baked items. People think it is a waste but, either way, at the end of the day, I make sure to donate whatever remains to a shelter or a food pantry. Sometimes there’s a lot, usually not so much. I’d just finished filling both sides of the display cases when he’d arrived. The moment he gazed at both sides of the case, he asked me why I make so many different varieties of things. I shrugged because, honestly, I don’t know. I think it is partly because baking is a stress reliever for me and the more I do it, the more I’m able to push my worries aside. I know that if I decided to only make cupcakes or donuts, I’d lose business and I relish the opportunity to represent treats that have strong ties to the people and places I love. I told him, simply, that I’m indecisive. Which, if you ask anyone close to me, is true as ever.

“Can I get you a coffee?” I offered with a soft smile, gazing at the man who looked like he’d experienced quite a few late nights recently. Or perhaps he hadn’t anticipated waking up so early. Either way, he accepted and I prepared him a mug full of coffee, black. I don’t really understand how people drink coffee without any sort of sugar or milk but considering my newest addiction is Matcha Lattes, I know I’m on my own. He’d settled at the table closest to the counter and had pulled out a voice recorder. As I brought over our drinks, settling into the chair myself, I thought about how strange this was. I’ve done a few interviews about Tricks and Sweets but it felt like the focus was on me now. I’d stayed away from the spotlight but it found me anyway. What did I have to lose now? Javier knew where I was, Trent knew where I was, who else should I fear? I took a deep breath as he prefaced the interview with some sort of practiced speech about what it was for and what was going to be on the record. He said it was for his column but I already knew that. I didn’t know that we were interesting enough to focus on but I guess all press is good press, particularly for the bakery.

As he pressed the button to start the recorder, I clutched onto my coffee mug. The bright pink one that Indie had given me; one that Kiera had decorated. I really loved that little girl and I wanted desperately to protect her from the harshness of the world. I learned at a young age and I hoped she never had to. I was naturally protective over those I held close but particularly Kiera and my godson, Kellan. While I hadn’t built my family in Sloane, we’d all come from that community. I suppose that’s why I found the interview so curious, that this Mr. Ross was trying to find someone to unravel so he could get dirt. I knew what I was doing so if that was the plan, he’d be sorely disappointed. He sat up straighter in his chair as he gazed down at his list of questions. I watched him, trying to encounter any weaknesses, anything that I could use for defense if I didn’t like his question. No wedding ring. I knew how to play it up if it came to that.

He gazed around the bakery once again before his eyes returned to mine. “Why did you choose this place?”

I couldn’t help but smile as I too gazed around. “This bakery is everything to me. When I signed the lease, the place was a disaster but, I was involved with every step of the revamp. I’m really proud of the place I’ve built. It attests to the strength of my character, how driven I am and, I don’t know, just being here feels like a treat in itself. Sometimes I can’t believe that I built this, that this is my business.” She paused, taking a sip of her Latte. “I’m not trained professionally; it was just a hobby that developed into a career. But every time I walk into Tricks and Sweets, I’m eager to get to work. This place is such a visual image of who I am as a person and I think that people are drawn to the bakery because I make really good baked goods but also because I genuinely love what I do, I welcome everyone and treat them like family. It is definitely something that comes from Latin culture to have open arms and open doors.” Maybe I sounded a bit conceited but it was all true. The bakery had enough accolades to show for itself and the Yelp reviews spoke volumes.

“Have you always baked? Did you bake in Sloane?” He perked an eyebrow. 

I didn’t talk much about Sloane. In most of my interviews, they focused on mylife in Argentina until now. It was better left open ended what happened in Sloane. I wasn’t sure I could admit it, particularly not in such publications. How could I say “well, I used to have sex for money and then go home to bake treats for the gang I worked for”? It would be insane and cause all sorts of unneeded attention. I played crestfallen and resilient well but she played sweet and demure even better. It would be off brand to tell the truth now. I was an excellent actress for a reason.

“I’ve always baked as a hobby. My Abuela taught me pretty early on how to make facturas, dulce de leche and alfajores. My fondest memories are attached to her, so my interest in both baking and cooking stemmed from that. It became pretty normal for me to come home from work and bake in my little kitchen in Sloane. I baked back in Argentina but that comfort was more necessary once I left. Sloane was home for a while but when better opportunities presented themselves, I had to take them, but everything led me here so I have no regrets.”

He seemed to pause over something she’d said. He looked perplexed, lips pursed as if unsure whether to ask whatever had come into his mind. I just offered the same megawatt smile that had stopped men in their tracks before. I carefully curled a tendril of hair and let out a coquettish giggle. I knew what game I was playing. Mr. Ross cleared his throat, trying to be ever the professional. It was fun when men got flustered, to see them beginning to fidget or focus on anything but me. He was clutching that coffee mug with a vice grip.

“Ms. Mendes.” He gazed down at his notes. “I told you, call me by my first name.” I told him, smoothing the skirt that was threatening to creep up my thighs. “Okay, Mirabella.”  The man crossed out something on his notes before he spoke again. “How has life been since you left Sloane?” I hesitate a moment, wondering what all he knows. Does he know what Sloane turned me into? Okay, not that I wasn’t lost in my vices in Buenos Aires but I needed them more in Sloane and my time developing an alliance with the Mexican Mafia only offered more to me. “Sloane was a really great place for me to transition. I didn’t speak English, I didn’t know anything about American culture, I’d never held a ‘real’ job in my life. I like to think being in Sloane helped me grow up and… when my boss offered me the opportunity to go to LA, I did. I think a part of me wanted to see if I could still be a star and I was rising up from small bit parts but…” Okay, it wasn’t necessarily bit parts; I’d done a few ads but I was on her way to bit parts. If I’d stuck it out, she might’ve been able to find fame again. But Javier put an end to all that quickly. “Los Angeles wasn’t for me and I just… realized one day that I needed to be back on the East Coast.” More like Javier broke into my apartment with a knife and put a threat on my life and I’d run to the trusting protection of the Mexican Mafia. I wouldn’t tell him that I’d run to Boston solely because of that. “My boss was in Boston and he offered me an opportunity to move here. I haven’t looked back yet. Boston has been good to me; Tricks and Sweets has achieved a lot of success in under a year and I couldn’t be prouder.”

Mr. Ross didn’t look convinced but he didn’t push and I was grateful for that. All of my secrets were carefully sewed up and I wasn’t going to reveal them for anyone. Even those that thought they knew. I smoothed the skirt over my thighs again, shifting to finish off my Matcha Latte as I waited impatiently for the next question. The bakery was due to open in fifteen minutes and I had to put the finishing touches on the Cupcake of the Day. The Tres Leches cupcake that I’d made the day Isaiah told me I should own a bakery. How fondly I think of that day, the day the papers announced the arrest of Trent Foster. When we were finally free. Well, until now. 

 “I noticed that you all have titles. Why are you The Babydoll?” He asked the question like the archetype didn’t sit right on his tongue. 

I couldn’t help but smile a bit as I formed my answer. “The Babydoll is seemingly an ingénue. She’s so innocent, cute and she craves both attention and affection. She’s all the things a girl should be, seemingly so saccharine that you’ll get cavities but she’s really a paradox. She’s not afraid to express her sex appeal or to cause destruction. She’s in more control than anyone expects.  She’s more than a damsel in distress, she seems like she needs to be saved but she’s really the one who is going to save herself. She’s sensitive and vulnerable but she has a better hold on it than anyone expects. One minute she’s demanding attention, demanding that others adore her, and the next, she’s completely untouchable, because her defenses have make it seem like others will be able to hurt her but she knows how to protect herself.” I speak, offering my most innocent smile, lips painted pink like bubble gum. “So basically you use your innocence to get your way?” 

I giggle and shrug my shoulders. “Why Mr. Ross! Would a girl like me do something like that?” I smile to myself because yes, that’s exactly what I’d do.