#i laugh and can only think of spiders georg whenever i see the name georg

[incarnation-of-rasputin]

"reason is language" factoid actually just statistical error. Average reason is multiple societal aspects. Johann Georg, who lives in counter-enlightenment & philosphizes over 10,000 language each day, is an outlier and should not have been counted

[poisoned-peppermint]

Part 4 of incorrect quotes because i feel obligated to make more due to the sheer number of people who liked it

Dream: My dearest beloved fuckos, is a fun, gender-neutral way to begin a speech

George: See also, esteemed bastards

Bad: Gentlefolk, Ferals, and Domesticated cryptids. 

Sapnap: My fellow yees and haws

~~~~~~~

Techno:Hey I know skyrim is revered as a classic but are we just going to ignore the fact that the entire game only had like 3 voice actors

Wilbur:Stop right there criminal cum

Techno:My ancestors are smiling at me, bastard, can you say the same

~~~~~~~

Foolish:When's your bedtime :)

Purpled: Whenever I next collapse in purely up to the gods

~~~~~~

Ranboo:Human skin is a fursuit for skeletons 

Tubbo: i’m going to debone you like a fucking trout

~~~~~~

Bad:You’re enough

Bad: love yourself!!!!!!! or suffer my wrath!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dream:And by wrath I mean love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bad:no I mean wrath!!!!! You reading this, if you don't love yourself I’ll beat you with a stick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~

Bad:I hope everyone is today well! And tomorrow!!!! After that you’re on your own.

~~~~~~

Bad:what am I supposed to do all day while you’re at work

Skeppy:I don’t know, what do you normally do while I’m gone

Bad: wait for you to get back

~~~~~~

Velvet:For my next stunt, I’ll wake up at 5am on the day I can sleep in

Ant:Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.

Velvet:Early to bed and early to rise makes me a massive bitch

~~~~~~

Tubbo: 3:23 AM make a wish

Ranboo: I wish that you would go to sleep

Tuddo: Yeah well I wish I grew an inch taller every day as you get an inch shorter until you’re as flat as as a piece of paper and I’m 11 feet tall

Ranboo: You’re going to die of a mixture of skeletal instability and heart disease.

Tubbo: Yeah but I’ll look good while doing it.

~~~~~~

Bad:Disrespect me again and I’ll determine your bodies resonant frequency and play a jaunty horn solo that boils your miserable organs inside out 

~~~~~~

Quackity: If I were dating you?  Well, heh. Let’s just say horses wouldn't be called horses anymore

Karl: hey what the honk does this mean…..I’m shaking what does this mean!

~~~~~~

Skeppy: Are you ok?

Bad wrapped in a burrito blanket drinking his 6th cup of coffee: Yes, this is exactly what mental stability looks like

~~~~~~

Sam: My hands are cold

Ponk: *holds their hands*

Ponk: better?

Sam: My lips are cold too

~~~~~~

George at dream’s funeral: can I have a moment alone with them?

Sapnap: of course *leaves*

George leaning over dream’s casket: Now listen, I know you’re not dead.

Dream: yeah no shit

~~~~~~

Skeppy, jokingly: I should have Bad kill you for that.

Bad, peering around the corner: Who do I need to kill?

Skeppy: Wh- no, I was just kidding around.

Bad, pulling out a switchblade: No, who’s bothering you

~~~~~~

Bad *watching the news*: Some idiot tried to fight a squid at the aquarium.

Skeppy *covered in ink*: Maybe the squirt was being a dick.

~~~~~~

Peacock: *spreads feathers at Bad*

Skeppy: It’s trying to attract a mate

Bad, extremely confused: *shyly lifts top*

Skeppy: No!

~~~~~~

Sapnap: Karl, do you eat olives? My dad wants to know

Karl: No, I hate olives. Olives are the spawn of satan. I hate olives so much my mom forced me to live in Mount olive for the rest of my childhood as a curse from the olive gods. Do you understand how much olives have ruined my life? I'm so offended that you asked me that have some consideration for people who have been abused by olives please!

Sapnap: K A R L ……….they’re just olives!!?

Karl: JUST OLIVES EXCUSE!

~~~~~~

Tommy: If you’re bored you can simply close your eyes and rotate a cow in your mind. It’s free and the cops can’t stop you

~~~~~~

Wilbur: is there anyone even named sheldon irl?

Tubbo: my class turtle from 6th grade :)

Wilbur: that’s a turtle

Tubbo: When god sings with his creations, will a turtle not be part of the choir?

~~~~~~

Ranboo: No bcuz why do ppl like salad?? What’s so good about it

Tubbo: chew leaf like god intended

Ranboo: No

Tubbo: Abandon god and see what he does next time you lift your hands in prayer

~~~~~~~

Tommy: Guys, there’s a monster under my bed and it’s really ugly.

Wilbur, on the bottom bunk: Honestly, fuck you.

~~~~~~

Quackity: So according to the cease and desist order I got, apparently you can’t ‘legally’ be a lawyer if your license is ‘cut out of a cereal box’.

~~~~~~

Puffy: If you had too, what would you give up food or sex?

Bad: Sex.

Skeppy: Seriously, answer faster.

Bad: I’m sorry honey, when they said sex I wasn’t thinking about sex with you.

Skeppy: It’s like a giant hug.

Puffy: Ant, what about you? What would you give up sex or food?

Ant: Food.

Puffy: Okay, how about sex or dinosaurs?

Ant: ……...Oh my God it’s like the movie Sophie’s Choice.

Gumi: What about you Velvet? What would you give up sex or food?

Velvet: Oh… um… I don’t know, it’s too hard.

Gumi: No, you gotta pick one.

Velvet: Um, food… no, sex… no, food…sex… food. Ugh! I don’t know! I want both! I- I want Antfrost on bread!

~~~~~~~

Tommy, holding a gun: If the conspiracies about life being a simulation are true WHOEVERS CONTROLLING MY SIM I JUST WANNA TALK.

~~~~~~~

Bad: Why are you guys acting like this?

Boomer: Oh, we’re not acting. We really are like this.

~~~~~~

Techno: Dream has only knocked me out three times this week. Our friendship is really developing.

~~~~~~

Tommy: You’re pathetic!

Wilbur: You’re pathetic-er!

Techno: You’re both losers.

~~~~~~

Bad: I wish I could help you, but I shorn’t.

Skeppy: Bad, please!

Bad: What part of shorn’t don’t you understand?

~~~~~~

Tubbo: Why did you leave Wrestlemania on for Michal?

Ranboo: They need to learn how to protect us.

~~~~~~

Antfrost: I regret getting dragged into your heterosexual tomfoolery.

~~~~~~

Bad: Strawberry milk doesn’t taste like strawberry OR milk.

Skeppy: Go the fuck to sleep Bad!

Bad: LANGUAGE!!

~~~~~~

Ranboo: Tubbo, please calm down.

Tubbo: I asked for two large fries!

Tubbo: *dumps fries onto table*

Tubbo: But all they did was give me a MILLION FUCKING LITTLE ONES!

~~~~~~

Bad: That was the worst throw ever. Of all time.

Skeppy: Not my fault. Somebody put a wall in the way.

~~~~~~

Wilbur: When you’ve been on the internet for as long as I have, you develop thick skin.

Tommy: Navy blue isn’t your color.

Wilbur: Navy blue brings out my eyes you prick! *Chases after Tommy*

~~~~~~

Bad: *Pulls a glass a water from out of nowhere*

Puffy: Where did you get that?.

Bad: My pocket.

Puffy: How do you keep a glass of water in your pocket?

Bad: Skills.

~~~~~~

Tubbo: I will come to your house after work and knock on your window at 11 AM. You will not open the curtains, knowing full well what awaits you, but the knocking only grows louder, more demanding. Finally it stops, your ears ringing. You nervously let out a breath you didn't know you were holding. You're safe now. Minutes pass by and you start to relax. And then you hear a knock at the front door. Like before, you stay still and clutch the blankets around you. You try to tell your self that it's just your imagination. Maybe the milk man? But why would he come so late? Everyone else was asleep, save for Naomi who was playing video games down stairs. To your relief, the knocking stops after a few. Minutes and you breath easy once more. Until you hear a knock on your bedroom door. You don't move. It's just your imagination. She isn't here. She can't be here. You tell yourself, shutting your eyes and willing yourself to sleep. The knock comes again, but with horror you realize that it came from the closet inside your room. You know that you have no choice. You get up, climbing out of bed with shaking limbs. You walk to the closest, trembling, and holding back the tears threatening to spill over your porcelain cheeks. You hesitate with your hand over the closet handle. Maybe it's just your imagination? She's not really there. You can go to sleep and laugh it off in the morning. Your naive thoughts are cut off by another, more demanding knock on the closet door, inches from your face. You know what you have to do. You open the closet door, and there she stands. Chuck e cheese, the mouse looms over you in the dim light. It's soulless eyes boor into you. It raises its arms, and you flinch as it begins to floss at lightning speed. Tears spill over your cheeks. This is the last thing you'll ever see.

Ranboo: Wait, Chuck e cheese’s pronouns are she/her? Trans Chuck e cheese? Good for her.

~~~~~~~~

Bad: Would you like something to drink? *They opened the fridge* We have water, milk, juice, spiders, Dr. Pepper-

Quackity: Spiders?

Bad: Spiders it is then.

Quackity: No, that wasn’t-

*But they were already pouring him a brimming glass of spiders…

~~~~~~

Puffy : Make her pussy wet not her eyes.

Velvet : Make his dick hard not his life.

Punz : Break her bed not her heart.

Skeppy : Play with his boobs not his feelings. 

Ant : Get on his dick not his nerves.

Bad : Always salt your pasta while boiling it.

~~~~~~~

Wilbur: Bet you can’t eat 15 crayons!

Tommy: Bet you I can!

Phil: *sips coffee, checks to make sure 911 is still on speed dial, and goes back to reading the paper*

~~~~~~~

Ant: We need a way to lure in new customers?

Ponk: Maybe we could have some fun, interactive events!

Skeppy: Badboyhalo bath water.

Bad: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

~~~~~~~~

Fundy: GET BACK HERE YOU DUMB FUCK!

Wilbur: LET ME RUN FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS!

~~~~~~~~

Bad: Mint is just cold spicy.

Pummel party Squad: …

Gumi: What the actual fuck is wrong with you.

~~~~~~~~

Quackity: Isn’t it amazing how I can feel so bad and still look so good?

~~~~~~~

Tommy: Why does my arm shake and turn bright red when I’m eating dirt?

Phil:

Phil: Why are you eating dirt?

Tommy: Did I ask you if I should eat dirt? No, so answer my question.

~~~~~~~

Tubbo: I wish I could control wasps and bees to sting my enemies.

Quackity: You’re too young to have enemies.

Tubbo: You don’t even know.

~~~~~~~~

Skeppy: Is there a cactus where your heart should be?

Puffy: What’s up your ass this morning!

Bad: *walks in* …Hi!!

Puffy: Hmm… nevermind.

Skeppy: WAIT NO!

~~~~~~~~

Skeppy: Ha! Don’t you know the trappers trap can trap the trapper?

Skeppy: I must be losing it, I’m quoting Bad.

~~~~~~~

Skeppy: Bad, I sense hostility.

Bad: Good, because I hate you

~~~~~~~

Bad: Are you a painting?

Skeppy: What-?

Bad: Because I want to pin you to a wall.

Skeppy: OH GOD I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY YOU WANTED TO HANG ME OR SOMETHING-

~~~~~~

Tommy: You’re giving me a sticker?

Phil: Not just a sticker. That is a sticker of a kitty saying “me-wow!”

Tommy: I’m not a preschooler.

Phil: Fine, I’ll take it back-

Tommy: I earned this, back off!

~~~~~~

Dream, sweating: George, there’s something I need to ask you-

George: Finally! You’re proposing!

Dream: How’d you know?

George: Dream, you’ve dropped the ring five times during dinner.

George: I even picked it up once

~~~~~~~~

*Bad and Skeppy looking at a locked gate into a park*

Bad: Aw. :(

Skeppy: You know what they say.

Bad: Please don’t-

Skeppy: BE GAY DO CRIME! *hops gate*

Bad: Frick-

~~~~~~~~

let me know if ya’ll want more <3

[griavian]

the 36 questions that lead to love

x <- read on ao3

dream finds a list of questions that can supposedly lead to two people falling in love, so him and george try it out on stream. turns out, they don't really need all 36.

“Come on, George. It’s just a couple of questions.” Dream pleaded into the call, making George roll his eyes. He’s been trying to end stream for the past 15 minutes, but Dream always convinces him to go “just a little longer!”.

“36 questions is not just a couple of questions, Dream.” George glances at his second monitor to make sure his green screen was still black and to check a few discord messages. He had no intention to fall into Dream’s trap for another hour of streaming.

“But it says it’ll lead to love!” Dream says, exasperated. He googled ‘questions to ask your friend’ earlier and found a list of them that apparently lead to falling in love. To George, it was bullshit.

“That’s such bullshit.” He expresses.

“You’re no fun.” Dream’s voice lowered, and George can feel the pout Dream has plastered on his face. He can already predict what the next 12 hours would be like with Dream: silent treatment and being a general dickhead. George was used to it when they lived an ocean apart, and even found it amusing, but it was a totally different experience living with him. Dream would mope around, go into George’s room randomly just to not talk to him, and go as far as to blast sad music from his own room across the hall while George was trying to finish up some editing. Sure, it was all light-hearted jokes, and Dream would stop his act in a heartbeat if George was truly annoyed by it, but George still dreaded it.

“Fine.”

Dream immediately cheers up and starts typing on his keyboard while George watches his chat fly by, seeing a lot of emotes and positive messages.

“Okay, um- first question. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom,” Dream mocks the formality, “would you want as a dinner guest?”

George’s nose crinkles. “How is that gonna make me fall in love with you?”

“Just answer the question.”

“I don’t know! The queen?”

“That’s a stupid answer.”

“What!” George screeches and Dream barks out a laugh. “You’re so dumb.”

“You gotta give me a better answer than that, or else we won’t fall in love with each other.”

George rolls his eyes, but decides to think about his answer. Truthfully, he wouldn’t want anyone special as a dinner guest. “Um. My mum.”

George eyes his chat as it’s filled with “aw”s. He almost scoffs.

“See? That wasn’t so hard.” George wants to punt Dream into another universe.

“Alright, who would you want as a guest?”

“Tom Brady.”

“That’s the stupidest answer ever!” George yells, his eyes wide, perhaps offended that Dream picked Tom Brady out of anyone else in the world.

“Question two!” Dream ignores, “This one is kinda dumb, but would you like to be famous and if you do, what for?”

George hums. “Probably don’t want to be famous-famous. Maybe being well-known for being the first person to invent IRL-VR. I want my body to be submerged in the Minecraft universe.”

“That’s sick. I dunno what I’d want-”

“You’re already famous.”

“Shut up. I don’t even- I don’t even want to be famous, really. I just want to make whoever knows me smile.”

“Aww, isn’t that sweet, Dream.” George teases and he knows Dream waved him off. George has his habits practically memorized.

“Whatever. How about you ask some questions?” Dream sends a link on discord and George reads through them.

“There’s no way these can make people fall in love. What even is this question? Before making a telephone call, do you rehearse what you’re going to say and why?”

“Trust the process. I mean, I do that. I don’t want my brain all jumbled up, I guess. Words are hard.” Dream answers.

“I don’t think I’ve ever done that. I wing it.”

“That’s very you. Next question.” Something about Dream saying that made George smile the tiniest bit, made the serotonin flow through his brain.

“What’s a ‘perfect day’ for you?” George reads. It’s quiet for a moment.

“Hanging out with you,” his voice is sincere, “You and Sapnap. Recording, streaming, anything like that. What about you?”

“Hm. Me too.”

George isn’t one to show his feelings often. He remembers being asked if he did, and he answered with “not ones that matter”. It still rings true to this day. His walls are still built up and that’s okay to George. Mushy feelings aren’t important, but he’d be damned if he didn’t say his heartstrings were playing a beautiful melody during this moment.

The questions and answers fall easily after that. George knows it’s around 1 am, and he should go to sleep, but answering the questions was kind of addicting.

“Do you have a hunch on how you’ll die?” Dream reads the question with a chuckle. “That’s such a weird question to ask someone you wanna fall in love with.”

George tries not to read in between the lines.

“Heart failure. For both of us.”

“You know how I’ll die?”

“We’re Minecraft streamers, Dream. We’ll probably die at 40.” They share jokes and giggles of scenarios where they die and what they’d do, and something about it feels a bit too honest.

“I’ll die the day you die, George. Emotionally and physically.” Dream says, dramatic as ever. George only huffs, and they leave it there.

“Name three things you and your partner have in common. Dream, do you have a secret girlfriend?” They start to bicker back and forth, because of course they do.

“It doesn’t mean romantic partner, you dumbass. Like- it’s like a science partner,” Dream sighs, “Well, we do have a lot in common. We have the same job, we care about the same things, and we love each other! Easy.” Dream answers.

“Who said I loved you?”

“You literally did last night.” George had closed chat a while ago, already prepared for what was to come. He can only imagine what they’re saying.

“They’ll never believe you.” George says with a sadistic grin.

“Ugh. Okay, what are you grateful for in life? You have to answer this.” George can hear Dream get a little closer to his mic, almost anticipating George’s answer. Dream knows how much he doesn’t like to express any feelings, and probably expects him to skip the question overall. George prevails.

“You. Obviously,” and before Dream can get out an aww, George says, “You made my career, dummy, and I’m grateful for that. And my friends, family, all the normal things. Chat! I’m even grateful for chat.”

“Well, I’m incredibly grateful for you especially.” Dream’s voice is soft, almost loving. George rolls his eyes. He could’ve guessed Dream’s answer, but it weirdly hurts him when it was spoken aloud. He doesn’t know whether it hurts because it might be a fun little joke or if it’s because someone might care about him that much. George decides to stop thinking.

They answer more questions, from taking four minutes to tell each other their life stories (“There was no reason to add that detail; you’re so gross, Dream.”) to what significant quality they would want to wake up and suddenly have (“You’re already good at code shit, George. That’s the saddest answer ever.”). They move onto section two of the list, which are deeper questions.

“Is there something you’ve dreamed of doing but haven’t yet, and why haven’t you?” George asks. He knows about Dream’s unfinished projects. There’s probably a million answers to the question, and George would listen to every single one.

“Uh, well. You know I was writing a book, yeah? I was halfway done with it, and I can’t make myself finish it. It’s probably writer’s block, but I don’t think I’ll be able to do it.” George frowned.

“You can’t finish it with that attitude, silly. You’re annoyingly amazing at everything.” George says with a snort, “I don’t have an answer to this. What did you say that one time? Your future is my future? Well, your dreams are my dreams, then.”

George cringes a little at what he said. He doesn’t know his viewer count, but knows that at least a million people will watch that clip out of context. Dream doesn’t say anything back and moves on to the next question.

“What is your most treasured memory?” Dream asks, and George immediately laughs.

“I definitely know your’s.”

“Do tell, George.”

“Our first Christmas together. Sapnap insisted on getting a real Christmas tree, and when we started decorating the stupid thing, Sapnap sees a spider and screeches. Then, our neighbors come knocking on the front door and you had to explain to them that nobody was being murdered, it was just your roommate being a big baby. And as if it could get any worse, I got tree-sap all on my fingers and clothes and you couldn’t help me because you were laughing too hard.”

“Pretty sure I almost choked on my own spit.” Dream adds, and George scoffs. “But no, that’s not my treasured memory.”

George sputters. “What? You’re telling me I told that to thousands of people for nothing?”

“To be fair, you were all soft on Christmas morning, so our first Christmas might be your treasured memory. Anyways, remember the first time you helped me with a code?” George stays silent, giving Dream the answer. “Well, that was the first time we had a real conversation. I made you laugh, then I started to laugh because you laughed, and we didn’t get the code done. It sounds dumb, but I always smile whenever I think about it.”

George’s face falters a bit. God, he just wants to hug Dream; he wants to make a beeline for his room and attack him with affection and make sure he knows that George loves him, platonically or romantically, George wants him to know.

He just can’t express it with words.

“That… sweet.” George’s eyes travel down the following questions and panics, seeing how personal the questions are. He fakes a yawn. “As mushy and stupid this thing is, I’m really tired.”

Dream doesn’t say anything. It almost scares George, but he deafens on Discord and bids farewell to his viewers, who were completely freaking out. George doesn’t blame them. He’s abruptly leaving after a sweet moment? That’s a recipe for disaster, and George knows better. Yet, he clicks the end stream button.

The door to his office swings open instantly and startles George. It was Sapnap, someone he didn’t particularly want to see.

“What the fuck was that?” His roommate whisper-yells.

George groans and slides deeper into his chair, covering his face. “I don’t know,” he muffles.

“Are you even trying to hide your feelings at this point?” He can hear Sapnap close the door and flop on his office’s couch. “You might as well buy a billboard that says ‘I’m in love with my best friend! His name is Clay!’ with a big ass picture of your dumb face beside it.”

“I know,” George whines. “Do you think he knows?”

“He’s not the one I’m worried about knowing. I’ve told you a million goddamn times that he’s too whipped to notice. I’m worried about the fans. They’re gonna go fucking bonkers because of this stream. Clips are gonna be shared. People are gonna speculate.”

George uncovers his face and narrows his eyes at his friend. “Thanks for the reassurance,” he deadpans.

Sapnap rolls his eyes. “I’m being serious, dude. I know you’re very deeply in love with him in the gayest of ways, but you gotta be careful in front of the fans.”

“Oh my God. I know, Sapnap! I know. I forgot we were even streaming. It felt like it was just the two of us, and I got too comfortable. And it was so nice. I can’t even do anything about it now, so it doesn’t even matter.”

Sapnap sighs and pulls himself from the couch. “You need to talk to him before this gets out of hand. You know I love ya, and that I’m here for you.” George cringes out of habit, but nods. It reads as ‘I love you too, I guess’.

Sapnap leaves without another word, and George is left alone with his thoughts. It’s not long before he sluggishly makes his way back to his bedroom. He opens the closed door, enters, and shuts it. He turns around, only to be greeted by a familiar person in his bed, and yelps.

Dream laughs. He’s wearing blue pajama pants and a white t-shirt. His hair looks messed with, and his cheeks seem to have more color to them. George can’t help but stare.

“Well? Aren’t we gonna finish it?”

George cocks an eyebrow.

“Finish what?”

“The questions, dummy. You don’t… you don’t have to. I mean, it’s kinda stupid that I want to do it in the first place, but…” Dream trails off. George hops on his bed and grins lightly.

“Go for it.”

They answer questions they skipped, like what is your most terrible memory (“My, uh, grandma. She died when I was about 14. It was… hard on me.” “Oh, George…”).

The overhead light was off at this point, the only light coming from a lamp on his desk and the stars shining through the window. The two are on their sides, Dream on the right of the bed and George on the left, facing each other, occasionally looking at their phones to ask the questions.

“What roles do love and affection play in your life?” Dream asks, his voice softer than ever. George can almost not answer. He doesn’t know.

“I’ve never been a super affectionate person, so I don’t know. I’ll give you guys quick hugs of course, but with really close relationships, I don’t know what to do.”

Dream looks as if he’s searching for something in George’s face, and George can’t tell what he’s looking for. His movements are hesitant, George sees.

“Do- um. You wanna maybe,” Dream pauses, closes his eyes,and scrunches up his face. “Try?”

“Try what?”

“Affection.” Dream lets out a breath and opens his eyes. “Affection is my strong suit, afterall.” His mouth forms into a teasing smirk despite his eyes showing nervousness.

“Um. Take the lead.”

It’s slow. So, very slow. Dream’s hand raises up and lands itself on the dip of George’s waist. He’s whispering instructions, and George listens. His hands are hung around Dream’s neck, and their legs are starting to tangle together. They laugh when they realize how far apart they are, and Dream pulls him closer. George can feel his heart beating out of his chest as he lays his head where Dream’s right shoulder meets his neck.

“Do you want me to ask the rest of the questions, sweetheart?” It sounded like a coo, and George is surprised at how effortless the pet name comes out of Dream’s mouth.

“Was that okay?” Dream whispers after a moment of George going still. He perks up.

“Yeah! Yeah.”

“Okay.” Dream pulls George closer and rests his left hand on his back. He starts rubbing up and down in slow motions.

George simply melts.

The questions and answers go by slower, and their voices become gentler. Dream announces that they’re on section three now, and to state three true “we” statements. Dream goes first.

“We… are cuddling?”

“Obviously, idiot.” George chuckles. “We are really tired?” Dream hums.

“We meant everything we’ve said tonight.”

“We are going to mean everything we say tonight.”

“You can’t just steal my answer.”

“Just do your third one.”

“We will be ‘Dream and George’ forever.”

Forever is a long, long time. And yet, Dream’s statement is still true.

“We don’t know what is going to happen tomorrow.”

There’s a beat of silence.

“Very vague.”

“Next question, Dream.”

“Alright, alright. Complete this sentence: ‘I wish I had someone whom I could share…’”

Without a second thought, George replies, “My emotions with. Your turn.”

George swears he felt Dream squeeze him.

“My everything with. Every single little thing. Physical, metaphorical, emotional.”

“Even Patches?”

A laugh.

“Yes. Even Patches.”

“Next question.”

“Tell your partner what you like about them and be very honest.”

“Your voice. It’s like… I don’t even know how to describe it.”

“Does it get you going, George?”

“Shut up. I definitely don’t like your smart-assery.” George can feel Dream lean down into George’s shoulder and smile. “I like how you act around people. It’s always different depending on the person. Different with me.”

“I like how you act around people too. You’re almost always bubbly, even though you like to say you aren’t. And, God, your laugh. It’s so overwhelming, but in the best way possible. You have no idea how many times I’ve said the stupidest shit just to hear your little laugh.” George digs his head deeper into Dream’s shoulder. “I also… really like it when you say my name. My real name.”

George raises slightly, gaining the tiniest bit of confidence. “Clay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, that.”

“Clay,” George whispers.

“George.” Dream sounds weak. So, very weak. George gets closer to his ear.

“Clay.”

George can’t tell if he’s joking.

“You’re gonna kill me, George.”

George’s lips brush against the outer of Dream’s ear, and his friend shivers. He decides this isn’t a joke anymore. He thinks the invisible line they had drawn in the sand many years ago has been kicked and stomped on to the point where neither of them remembers the line being there. George goes further.

“Clay, Clay, Clay,” George is still whispering, slowly brushing his lips across Dream’s jaw, and the hands around his waist get the littlest bit tighter.

George finally raises his head to meet Dream, who was a mess. His cheeks are glowing and his eyes are almost bloodshot. His breath is labored and his hands are shaky.

“Calm down, love.” George whispers and raises his right hand to meet Dream’s cheek, who leans into the touch.

“Kiss me.” Dream begs quietly, as if saying anything louder would shatter the moment in little pieces.

An adrenaline rush fills George’s veins. “Anything you want,” he says, and closes the gap.

The kiss is soft. Dream is maneuvering their bodies to be more comfortable, meaning George is pulled on top of Dream. Their lips didn’t part once.

They move together in harmony, both in the kiss and their bodies, putting everything they got into it. It was unsaid feelings and years and years of thoughts, and George felt every single one of them. George is straddling Dream’s middle and Dream is leaning up to meet George’s touch. His hands are rubbing up and down and squeezing George’s hips and George’s hands find their way into Dream’s hair. It’s perfect and imperfect and everything George has been waiting for, yearning for.

They part, and Dream pushes their foreheads together. George assumes they look dumb, but how could he care in this moment?

“Beautiful. You’re beautiful.” Dream says, his breath tickling George’s mouth. He lets out a breath and breaks out into a smile. His hands start brushing through Dream’s hair and George backs away to get a good look. Dream is staring back.

George lunges forward and wraps his arms around Dream’s neck, sending him flat on the bed with an “oof”.

“Jesus Christ, George. A warning would be nice.”

“I love you. I-love-you-I-love-you-I-love-you-I-love-you-I-love-you-I-love-you-” George couldn’t get enough of saying it. George’s dam cracked when Dream held him and fucking exploded when they kissed. He doesn’t have to hold back anymore, so he doesn’t.

“Slow down, baby.” Dream says through a chuckle. He makes George lean up with tans hands on pale cheeks and a lot of eye contact. “I love you, too.”

George’s breathing slows down to a normal, less-adrenaline-filled pace, and Dream kisses him again. George forces his head back up.

“What does this mean for us?”

“Isn’t it a little obvious?”

“Not really.”

“Boyfriends, George. We’re dating now.”

“How do you know I wanted to even be your boyfriend.” George narrows his eyebrows in faux-suspicion.

Dream’s stare is blank. “I mean. You’re- well- you know, um-”

George dismisses this shortly and confirms, “I want to be your boyfriend.”

Dream sighs in relief. “You’re such an idiot.”

“Yeah. Whatever.” George slides off Dream’s waist and lays facing him. Dream turns as well. “Was that question the last question?”

“No, actually. There were a few left.” Dream blinks, then muses, “Guess we didn’t need 36 questions after all.”

“That was the cheesiest thing you’ve ever said and I hate you for it.”

“You wound me, George. You wound me.”

George makes up for it by letting himself be engulfed in Dream’s embrace, and feels tiny kisses on the top of his head. George nuzzles closer.

Yeah, everything was going to be fine.

[sneegsnitties]

How to take down a kingdom by Niki Nihachu (Ft. Ranboo)

Her code name isn’t Nemesis for no reason, is it?

~

Niki tells the Syndicate about a new kingdom on the rise, and it's up to her to take it down (with a little help from ranboo)

[AO3 LINK]

Join our kingdom? Join their kingdom, Karl had said. As if he even had the audacity to ask her to join him when he had so carelessly built his kingdom right on top of her city without even checking if someone was even there. Granted, it was only him, Sapnap, and George. Three people. That was the final straw in all of this when she heard they were hiring someone to build the rest of their kingdom for them.

But that doesn’t make it any better. There is no way that she is trusting Sapnap at all, anywhere near any of her pets at all. Not after all the shit he had pulled while L’manburg was still around.

Killing pets with no mercy, as if they didn’t even matter.

She would never forget Fungi. Never.

But with this new kingdom on the rise, directly on top of her city, she thinks she might be able to put her syndicate nickname to use.

Her code name isn’t Nemesis for no reason, is it?

Maybe it’s time to call for a syndicate meeting.

You whisper to Technoblade: Techno.

You whisper to Technoblade: I have an issue that I need to speak to you and the others with.

Technoblade whispers to you: Calling a Syndicate meeting, I presume?

You whisper to Technoblade: Yes. I would prefer sooner than later.

Technoblade whispers to you: I will let Ranboo and Phil know. Tomorrow afternoon?

You whisper to Technoblade: That works, thank you. See you tomorrow.

The next morning she wakes up, and heads outside, frowning when she finds a book in her mailbox, from Karl, titled “Please Niki.” It hasn’t even been a day since he originally asked. Maybe just to have a physical copy of it? How impatient is he?

So she reads it, her frown deepening when Karl refers to her city as a country. When she had said that her city is very much not a country. How he automatically assumes her home is a country rubs her the wrong way immediately, considering who she’s allied herself with. But his offer about showing her around his kingdom could be useful to her, in multiple ways.

She will have to show this book to the syndicate later today.

Evidence.

But there’s a slight issue. She found out that Foolish is the one who is building for them. Foolish is innocent. He was the one who was building for them. She knows that he’s been building for Kinoko, he’s visited her a couple times apologizing whenever he accidentally breaks a block into her city. Even expressing concern once about the vicinity of the two being so close together, and she couldn’t agree more. But unfortunately for Foolish, he doesn’t want to seem to move the build, is he even getting paid as well? But she doesn’t think that’s her problem. She doesn’t even know the shark totem god all that well, just that he enjoys the building that he does.

She doesn’t exactly want to ruin his builds, but if it comes to it, she will do it.

But enough thinking about that for now.

With a sigh, she eats her breakfast and prepares to head out towards the cold of the arctic commune. Ignoring the fact that she doesn’t have a thick enough cloak to shield her from the cold.

She steps through her portal and into the nether, being careful not to catch the attention of any ghasts or anger any of the piglins wandering around. Fortunately, though, she catches Ranboo as he seems to be coming back from the community portal.

“Ranboo!” she grins and waves at him.

“Hello, Niki!” he smiles back, “I was just collecting more string from the spider spawner, so that’s why I’m coming from there,” he says with an awkward chuckle, “I’ve been trading with my villagers non-stop recently.”

She laughs, “that’s good, I’ve just been working on my city.”

His face brightens, “any more progress?”

“Just a bit, though I’ve been busy with… other matters,” she says as they reach the portal.

“After you,” he motions, bowing dramatically.

“Oh, thank you, you’re too kind.” she laughs

Niki was barely prepared for the bitter cold that suddenly hits her, shivering immediately.

Ranboo steps out moments later and frowns, pulling his heavier cloak out of his inventory, “here, put it on.” he says, handing it to her. “I think you need it more.”

“Are you sure? Don’t you need it, too?” she frowns, pulling the thin fabric around her.

“I’ll be fine,” he says, wrapping it around her shoulders for her, as it’s entirely too long and Ranboo has to tie it extra tight just so it doesn’t fall off. “We can ask Phil to make one for you.”

She smiles warmly at him again; the kid is too kind for his own good. “I’ll have to ask him.”

The two walk in silence the short distance to the arctic, though Phil greets the two of them as soon as they enter the fenced-in area.

“Ranboo, aren’t you cold, mate?” he asks, eying the half enderman who shivers slightly in the cold.

“Just a little. Niki needed my cloak more than me.”

Phil sighs, “I need to make you one now, huh Niki?” he says giving her a smile, “techno’s down there already.”

“Oh! I need to put a couple things away really quick first.” Ranboo says, running to his house in a few strides, “I’ll be down in a second!” he yells as he disappears.

“Sounds good!”

“That kids been trading for emeralds nonstop,” he says and lets out a sigh when he hears a bell ring in the distance, “damn prime pig. Scared the shit out of me the first time I heard a bell ringing and I didn’t know where it came from.”

“What?” Niki asks as they head towards the lava pit containing the syndicate room.

“Ranboo has a pet pig that he trained to ring a bell.”

She blinks in confusion

Phil only shrugs in response before jumping down into the lava, and she joins him seconds later. Phils already got a boat on the ice path down and ready for her to jump into the back. Soon they are in the syndicate room.

Now she is no longer Niki, but Nemesis. Phil is no longer Phil, but Zephyrus. Here in the syndicate, you go by a name that is not your own. A name with a meaning.

“Lethe said he’ll be down in a moment, got some shit to put away,” Zephyrus says, giving Protesilaus a nod.

Protesilaus hums, turning to Nemesis, “I see you’ve chosen your code name, fits you rather well, Nemesis.”

Nemesis smiles widely at the pig hybrid, “thank you,” he does not know how well it’ll fit after she tells them about the latest development in her life.

Moments later, lethe himself practically runs into the room. A book, she assumes to be his memory book, clutched in his hands as he sits down. “Sorry,” he says quickly.”

“It’s alright, mate.” Zephyrus smiles at him, “memory book?”

“Oh- sort of? An extra memory book for syndicate stuff, I’ll be making it super vague in the actual one.” Lethe shrugs, “Just so that if I ever lose it… again… it won’t have anything about this.”

“Smart.”

“Alright, it’s been a while since we all last met and Harpo still hasn’t shown up, but I’m not holding it to them again.” Protesilaus chuckles, but his voice holding a serious tone, “any updates?”

Niki waits for a moment, waiting for anyone else to speak up.

“Well, uh, turns out Tommy’s not dead.” Lethe says with a grimace, “He’s not okay though.”

“Now, I wouldn’t say I told you so, but I told you so.” Protesilaus says half-heartedly, “anything else, Lethe?”

“Um… puffy blew up the community house from a prank that Fundy had set up, It was hilarious this time, though.” the half enderman chuckles, pointedly ignoring what Protesilaus had said moments ago, “but hey at least it wasn’t me this time.”

That gets a good laugh out of the four of them, but an awkward silence afterward, silently remembering the country of L’manburg through the good and the bad memories.

“Anything else, Lethe?”

He hums, “Hannahs been planting flowers and I think that’s it? that’s all I could remember.”

“How about you Nemesis, you were the one to call the meeting?”

A smile grows on her face as she reaches into her inventory to pull out the book that Karl had put into her mailbox that morning. “Well,” she places it on the table, the title ‘Please Niki’ glaring up at her, “I heard wind that there was a new kingdom on the rise.”

She relishes in the surprised looks of her fellow anarchists, a variety of emotions all displayed on their faces, as pride swells up into her chest, ready to burst. This is her contribution. She finally, finally, contributing something without being looked down upon, without being immediately ignored. This is a new feeling, and she loves it. She absolutely loves the feeling of being heard.

“Please, do tell.”

“Have you ever heard of Kinoko Kingdom?”

[holeyweasel]

༄ daniel padilla, cismale, he/him + the color orange, impressive explosions, fireworks in the night sky, trolley carts ignited into flames, graffiti on stop signs, and quivering palms concealed by a nifty hand-buzzer. – is that george weasley ? their ministry records say that they are twenty-five , a pureblood , and went to hogwarts . currently they are the owner of weasley’s wizard wheezes . whenever i see them saintlike by jakey starts playing in my head. i think this may be because they’re astute & whimsical , but they also happen to be deviant & reticent . (       BIOGRAPHY. | PINTEREST. | PLAYLIST.     )

TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF ALCOHOL & SUBSTANCE ABUSE / ALLUSIONS TO ALCOHOLISM.

basics .

name & origin : george felix weasley ; based on the Greek word georgos; meaning farmer. the word georgos is a combo of two Greek words, ge (γῆ), meaning earth, soil, and ergon (ἔργον), meaning work. && george doesn't apply much of a personal meaning to his name; perhaps molly was following the trend of her late, twin brothers, gideon & fabian, or maybe it'd just been a coincidence. george doesn't know; it's possible he never will, since molly doesn't talk about her brothers that have passed too often. nicknames : forge, fred, georgie, gred, twin #2, & weasel. preferred name : george is fine. age & birthdate : twenty-five ; april first. gender & pronouns : cis male ; he/him. orientation : straight ; heteroflexible ; questioning. ethnicity & nationality : filipino ; english. hometown : ottery st. catchpole, devon, england. current residence : the loft above number ninty-three diagon alley. occupation : owner & operator of weasley’s wizard wheezes. hogwarts house / school graduated from : gryffindor.

miscellaneous .

phobias : he can’t be alone, because when he is, that’s when he gets into more compromising situations. he excessively relies on others to fulfill his own emotional needs (eg. fred, specifically) his codependency to fred ran, and continues to run, so deep that even his level of confidence changes without his brother around. he needs fred around to feel okay with himself. he fears being rejected and abandoned as lone unit; rather than the one collective unit he was with fred. quirks : when disinterested in something, doesn’t put the effort in; rarely expresses his true emotions unless it’s through anger; jokes so much it’s hard to tell when he’s being serious; sometimes doesn’t realize when a joke has gone too far & unintentionally hurts people’s feelings. when his emotions are too much to handle, can act rashly, and do something stupid; he often winds up in trouble since he couldn’t careless what others think. also he’s not great at overly complicated math. fred was better at math, while george is better at reading/writing/words in general. basic addition and subtraction is fine, but once you get to double digits? oof. he uses his fingers to count. hobbies : comforting others & giving advice anonymously, creating his own spells & potion recipes, dueling, inventing things, quidditch beating, quick-wit, speed reading, stand-up comedy; there’s never a dull moment with him; he’s always able to entertain an audience and make people laugh. likes : adventures, biscuits, breaking things, causing chaos & confusion, conjuring up ideas & schemes, creating inventions, discovering new things, explosions, fireworks, flashing lights, freedom, friendly debates, hippos, irony, jokes, laughter, memes, mum’s home-cooked meals, parkour, philosophy, petty arson, punching things, puns, quidditch, quotes, rebellion, rioting, sweaters, & unlimited knowledge. dislikes : being alone, being controlled, boredom, commitment, conformists, copycats, cucumbers, disloyalty, early mornings, feelings that aren’t joy, grapefruits, hypocrites (ironically), instant tea, judgmental people, ordinary living, pocket watches, purists, restrictions, school, sellouts, silence, sitting still, spinach, the government, the rich, the status quo, & unnecessary rules. wand :  10 ¾ inches ; dogwood ; dragon heartstring core. patronus : previously, his was a magpie; along with fred’s. since fred’s death, he struggled to conjure one for many years, but eventually was able to - and it’s now a peacock.  boggart : him, completely and utterly alone. without fred or just without anyone in general? the world may never know. reverse amortentia : burning cedar, broom polish, firewhiskey, freshly baked biscuits, & roasted chestnuts.

history .

➵ the fifth son born to arthur & molly weasley right after his twin brother, fred, george was practically born a prankster & inventor. after graduation, he planned to become a successful entrepreneur. from birth, both him & fred were attached at the hip; getting into all sorts of shenanigans together. not much has really changed regarding that. growing up, they successfully set off a dungbomb during christmas dinner, turned ron’s teddy bear into a spider after he broke fred’s toy broomstick, gave ron an acid pop that burnt a hole in his tongue, and nearly tricked ron into taking an unbreakable vow. ➵ during his first year, him and fred swiped the marauder’s map from filch’s desk; this aided more in their mischief. ➵ george, while not being a hat stall, could definitely have been a fair candidate for slytherin with his ambitious & cunning nature — if only he wasn’t a red-headed, reckless weasley. ➵ this curious boi might have a teeny, tiny case of undiagnosed ADHD. he definitely exhibits all of the symptoms; he’s never gotten officially checked out, though.  ➵ second year, he joined the quidditch team as beater. at one point, ron informed harry that george received ”really good marks” for his first few years. ➵ the summer before his fourth year, he stole arthur’s ford anglia with fred and ron. this was in order to rescue harry from the dursley’s and bring him to the burrow. ➵ the summer after fourth year, george went on a trip with his family to visit bill in egypt. with fred, of course, he tried to push percy into a pyramid. ➵ fifth year, he & fred graciously gifted harry the marauder’s map since they’d already memorized it. ➵ sixth year, he attended the quidditch world cup with his family, harry, & hermione. he and fred gambled on the outcome & won a great deal of money from ludo bagman. however, they were never paid, and harassed bagman all year. fred wanted to inform the ministry; george was against it since that’s considered blackmail. after harry won the triwizard tournament, he gifted fred & george his winnings to make up for their lost bet. they put this money away with the intention to invest it into their future joke shop. this is also the year they began selling their inventions and he took his ordinary wizarding level exams; received 3 OWLs in, what’s assumed, charms, defense against the dark arts, & transfiguration. ➵ seventh year, he spent the summer before school at 12 grimmauld place. after being given harry’s winnings, george had no interest in returning to school, but did anyway. he spent most of the year selling his and fred’s products. he also joined dumbledore’s army; not being a huge fan of umbridge. ➵ later that year, umbridge kicked him, harry, and fred off the quidditch team after george & harry got into a fight with draco malfoy. once the DA was discovered, george decided with fred, that he didn’t care about getting in trouble, and they began an all-out rebellion. they shoved an inquisitorial squad member into a vanishing cabinet, set off an array of fireworks that they made themselves, & created a portable swamp in the corridor. after the vandalism & chaos, george flew away from hogwarts with his brother; encouraging others, and peeves, to follow their example. ➵ after fleeing the castle, george worked with fred to establish a weasley’s wizard wheezes storefront. the summer before the golden trio set off for their sixth year, they had their grand opening. they remained open in diagon alley even while growing tensions of the war ensued. draco malfoy even purchased peruvian instant darkness powder from their shop, which assisted him during the battle of the astronomy tower. in theory, the twins unknowingly helped the death eaters twice, but we don’t have to unpack all that right now. ➵ him & fred lived in a loft above their shop. ➵ sometime after turning of age, george joined the order and assisted them during the battle of the seven potters. he was paired with remus lupin, and sometime during this mission, snape hit him with sectumsepra. he lost his ear and it was unable to be healed due to being cut off with dark magic. ➵ the burrow operated as a new headquarters for the order until they were ambushed by death eaters and they had to flee. ➵ george & fred were frequent guests on lee jordan’s radio show: potterwatch. ➵ george was hit with snape’s sectumsepmra curse and ended up losing his left ear. since it was dark magic, his injury wasn’t able to be repaired. he has permanent hearing loss and a scar where his ear used to be. he’s picked up BSL (british sign language) since the incident.  ➵ he split up from the rest of his family after the death eater ambush, but remained with fred. him & fred were apart of lee jordan’s radio broadcast, potterwatch, so it’s assumed they were with lee in some way. ➵ there was an incident where george, alone, was taken in front of the wizengamot while fred had stepped out for the afternoon. he was brought on charges of aiding and abetting the mass breakout of muggleborn criminals. supposedly, they had items sold at weasley’s wizard wheezes that’d aided in their ultimate escape. ➵ questioned & tortured at the hand of umbridge, they almost sent him off to azkaban… but the department of magical law enforcement requested time to gather more evidence to build a stronger case of george’s involvement. his blood status wasn’t in question, and therefore, he was free to go. ➵ during the battle of hogwarts, george lost his twin brother, fred, in an explosion orchestrated by augustus rookwood. the years that followed were absolutely the hardest thing he’d ever gone through.  ➵ upon fred’s demise, george might have taken up a biiit of a drinking problem. while it hasn’t entirely taken over his life, some would definitely consider him a “functioning alcoholic.”  ➵ depending on a potential charlie mun, after fred’s funeral, george followed charlie to romania in order to “travel” and “find himself” without fred able to stand by his side anymore.  he eventually stole a dragon from charlie and took it across the world. goooo georgie! he returned about a year after fred’s funeral initially took place. ➵ for quite some time, george struggled to conjure a patronus. with all of his “happy memories” linked to fred, the charm became quite difficult for him to perform. of course, george is a determined individual; he continued to try anyways.  ➵ eventually, two years after fred’s passing, george was able to cast a patronus. although, instead of a cheery magpie revealing itself, a peacock took its place. this was significant because, slowly but surely, george was beginning to detach his identity from fred. ➵ george continued to build the business he’d started with his late brother. these days, he fills his time with work; occupying his mind with weasley’s wizard wheezes instead of the void fred’s passing left within him.

[aion-rsa]

Who Is Taskmaster? Black Widow Movie Villain Explained

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Marvel's Black Widow movie features Taskmaster as its main villain. Here's everything you need to know about him.

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With Marvel's MCU Phase 4 rapidly approaching, it’s almost surprising that it has taken this long for the Taskmaster to show his skull-covered face. Taskmaster has been taking on various Marvel heroes since 1980 and has gone on to star in two miniseries while getting the occasional supporting character role. He’s on that border where it was hard to tell whether he’d show up in the movies or get relegated to TV, showing up as a villain on Agents of SHIELD or something from the Defenders’ neck of the woods on Netflix. But now we know he'll be the villain of the Black Widow movie, and we got our first look at him in the trailer.

Taskmaster first appeared in Avengers #195, created by David Michelinie and George Perez, mainly as a cliffhanger villain to set up his showcase in the next issue. A fifth-rate villain by the name of Pernell Solomon had a rather inconsequential plot involving cloning himself that ended badly, mostly because it exposed the Avengers to the existence of the Taskmaster and his secret villain school. You see, Taskmaster has a special power called “photographic” reflexes. If he sees someone perform an action – as long as it is a human movement – he can do the same on command. He’s essentially a greatest hits mixtape of every great warrior in the Marvel Universe. That shot of him in the Black Widow trailer wielding a bow might tell us that he has encountered Hawkeye at some point, for example.

But seriously, he can’t do superhuman stuff. He once tried to copy the movements of living cartoon character Slapstick and Bane’d himself.

At first he was going to become a superhero, but he realized that being a villain is where the money’s at. Then he came up with an even better and safer plan: keep the mercenary part of the job minimal and instead make money by teaching goons how to fight. If you’re joining Hydra or AIM and you want to know how to fight, just pay the guy who knows exactly how Captain America throws his shield so well and can perform Daredevil’s exact flips. He’d be able to make all that money using his skills while refraining from taking on superheroes head-on.

In his first appearance, Taskmaster easily took down Scott Lang Ant-Man, Hank Pym, and Wasp. He was even able to take on Captain America and Iron Man at the same time. His downfall was when he got in a one-on-one with Jocasta, who had no human movement to play off of, plus she was straight-up out of his league in terms of power. The other Avengers caught up and Taskmaster barely escaped.

In the years that followed, he remained the renowned villain coach while taking the occasional job if the money was right. Taskmaster was driven by greed as he had no trouble working for Crossbones or the US government if they paid up. During the memorable storyline where Steve Rogers was stripped of his Captain America title, the government had Taskmaster train John Walker, the star-spangled replacement who would later go on to be US Agent.

Marvel was weird about Taskmaster’s identity. For the longest time, they never gave him a real name, but they also didn’t seem to mind showing him unmasked from time to time. Like one time the Punisher nearly killed him and Daredevil later visited him in the hospital. Other than some bandages on his head, Taskmaster looked like a completely average white dude, albeit with a history of plastic surgery. We would eventually get some answers on his backstory, but there would be some contradictions.

Taskmaster appeared in the second issue of Joe Kelly and Ed McGuinness’ legendary Deadpool run where Taskmaster kidnapped Deadpool’s sidekick/abused best friend Weasel. The showdown was played for laughs as Taskmaster, boasting about how he can read anyone’s movements and can predict your attacks before you even think about it, was completely helpless against the unpredictable Deadpool. Initially, this was supposed to build towards Taskmaster as a major nemesis for Deadpool during the Kelly run where the plan was that he’d start gaining the ability to inherit strategies the same way he inherits movements. That subplot was cut early on.

Regardless, Taskmaster remained a major part of Deadpool’s corner of the Marvel Universe and would appear in countless runs. While at times Taskmaster would be targeting Deadpool, other times, he would be his long-suffering partner in crime. One of their more memorable meet-ups had Taskmaster one of many hired guns working for a mobster against Deadpool and Spider-Man. Taskmaster whispered to Deadpool that his heart wasn’t really in it and offered to throw the fight for old time’s sake.

It was through that Deadpool connection that we got the brief “UDON Taskmaster” phase in the early '00s. The art studio UDON was drawing the Gail Simone run of Deadpool while also taking care of Ken Siu-Chong’s Taskmaster miniseries. The connecting tissue of this was mainly Sandi Brandenberg, a love interest to Taskmaster and secretary to Deadpool. But also, Taskmaster changed up his appearance, going from “albino Skeletor” to “street-wise Skull Man.” He was more gun-based than sword and shield.

The miniseries went deeper into his abilities, showing that he can remember every moment of his life with 100% clarity. He can also amp up his powers by watching fight footage in fast-forward, which makes him move at super speed at the cost of his body breaking down if he does it for too long. There’s also a neat anecdote about the pitfalls of his powers, as when he was a kid, he watched someone perform a perfect dive, copied it, and then almost drowned because he didn’t know how to swim.

Also, they finally revealed that Taskmaster’s real name is Tony Masters. Of course it is.

The miniseries and the cancellation of Deadpool coned into a new series called Agent X, centered around a scarred-up amnesiac named Alex Hayden who had Deadpool’s powers and personality and appeared months after Deadpool’s supposed death. Taskmaster was a major part of the series, taking time to be annoyed by Hayden’s antics, pining for Sandi, and being an all-around badass.

read more: Agent X: The Strange History of the Other Deadpool

While the UDON Taskmaster look showed up here and there, he was back to his original appearance by the time he was going after Moon Knight. He ended up getting more play thanks in part to Civil War and its aftermath, going from a member of the government’s pro-registration force to training cadets in Avengers: The Initiative. It was there that he became friends with one of his students, Eric O’Grady, the Irredeemable Ant-Man.

Once Norman Osborn took over the superhero wing of the government, Taskmaster briefly joined Osborn’s inner-circle of top villains, otherwise known as the Cabal. Taskmaster ultimately hated being Osborn’s whipping boy and secretly worked against him, eventually escaping and laughing when Osborn’s empire came crumbling down.

In 2011, Fred Van Lente and Jefte Palo joined together to create another Taskmaster miniseries, which was not only fantastic, but it added a few twists and retcons to the character’s backstory. It showed that Taskmaster answers to a higher power called the Org that calls him and gives him orders. Also, Taskmaster has a mental problem where he can only retain so much knowledge, so his brain tends to dump information that isn’t based on physical survival. In other words, he can fight in countless ways, but he can’t remember who he is or really anything about his past. Just a nagging feeling of unforgiveable guilt.

In this story, he protected a diner waitress named Mercedes from all sorts of assassins, only to discover that not only is Mercedes his Org handler, but she’s also his wife. Taskmaster is in fact a SHIELD agent who took a special kind of Super Soldier Serum that gave him his powers, but forces him to constantly forget the woman he loves. Hence the endless guilt.

There's also the thing that he's been unwittingly working for SHIELD all these years.

While that take on Taskmaster was eventually forgotten about (how fitting), it did lead to Avengers Academy member Finesse. Finesse is an Audrey Hepburn lookalike with powers exactly like Taskmaster’s who may or may not be his illegitimate daughter. When she tracked him down and fought him, it was heartbreaking to Taskmaster, as she only fought with copied movesets and he’d never be able to remember her for being her.

Since then, Taskmaster has shown up here and there, usually working alongside Black Ant, who is a robot duplicate of the Eric O’Grady Ant-Man. He tends to pop up whenever Marvel needs a throwaway villain and they’re tired of calling in the Wrecking Crew.

Outside of main continuity, Taskmaster’s shown up in a handful of alternate universe stories. One thing I find amusing is how there’s a What If issue based on the whole “John Walker as Captain America” storyline that has Taskmaster explain his powers by claiming to be a mutant because back then, nobody at Marvel thought too hard about how he got his skills. Then there’s House of M: Avengers, where Taskmaster does the same for the sake of fitting in with the high-status mutant community.

read more: Marvel Movies Release Schedule: Complete MCU Timeline

Taskmaster only showed up in the Ultimate comics towards the end of its run, but there wasn’t much to him. The only thing memorable was that they made him black.

The series Deadpool MAX reimagined Taskmaster as a grizzled and horny woman assassin who turned Wade Wilson into a killing machine and groomed him in the sexual sense. It's probably better that they didn’t go with this version of the character for the movie.

Taskmaster has shown up on several cartoons and in some video games. One of the more memorable is the recent Spider-Man for PlayStation 4 where he acts as a bonus threat, serving a similar purpose as Riddler in the Batman Arkham games. In a look that merged his classic appearance with his UDON appearance, he stalked Spider-Man through the city and came off as more of a knockoff of Deathstroke.

No wonder he and Deadpool keep crossing paths.

Lastly, I can’t help but mention Taskmaster’s appearance in Marvel vs. Capcom 3. Not just because you get to play as him and pull off sweet moves stolen from Hawkeye, Captain America, and Black Knight. Not just for his charming Brooklyn accent. Instead, it's for his rad-as-hell theme song.

Hopefully we'll hear this when he goes into action in Black Widow. I’m pumped for anything after listening to that song.

Gavin Jasper writes for Den of Geek and feels that if Taskmaster was more realistic, he’d be doing way more breakdancing. Read Gavin’s other articles here and follow him on Twitter @Gavin4L

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Feature

Books

Gavin Jasper

Dec 3, 2019

Marvel

Black Widow

from Books https://ift.tt/32zDd3x

[unadulteratedrebelrunaway]

HE'S GOT A CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH

[8/8/18].

Alexander W. Benson II

           "Only pussies and faggots bend over and piss in cups," says Doug.  "That's what Patton used to say."

           His wife Marilyn frowns.  "All you men are pigs.  Just because you live in America doesn't mean you have to be a macho man.  Please just get the complete physical so I'll have you around.  Okay honey?"

           "I'll be around all right," says Doug, "and you can take that to the bank.  I'm going to keep my manhood, sweetie."

           "I'm serious," says Marilyn.  "I'll need you around for the great tribulation because I don't want to face judgment day alone."

           "Nobody lives forever," says Doug, "and I'm not afraid of anything."

           "Don't say that," says Marilyn. "You'll be afraid of GOD when you meet him.  The Bible says it, so now you know it's true."

           "Please, Marilyn," says Doug.  "We've been over this so many times."

           "Just do it for me," says Marilyn.  "Our bodies are sacred temples that GOD loaned to us.  We must take care of them, for what we do to ourselves we do unto him."

           "You know I don't buy into that stuff," says Doug.

           "I pray for you all the time dear," says Marilyn.  "I tell GOD that you know not what you do.  I ask for his spirit to influence you to see the light and become smart."

           Doug laughs.  "Let me get this straight.  You talk of free will, yet here you are, telling me that you pray for GOD to force me to do things against my will."

           "That's not true," says Marilyn.  "You men just don't see things the way they are so you're always wrong.  You always use science and logic."

           "Science and logic are two of the best ways to look at things," says Doug.

           Marilyn looks away from Doug and stares at her dishrag on the table.

           "What?" says Doug.

           Marilyn shakes her head.

           "Seriously?" says Doug.  "What's wrong with science?"

           "Science reflects a male bias," says Marilyn.

           "It does?" says Doug.

           "It does, dear," says Marilyn.  "Why do you think all the scientists are men?"

           "Honey, there have been women scientists," says Doug.

           "Yes, but they were influenced and tricked by men," says Marilyn.  "How do you think somebody like Madame Curie could become a scientist?  She was paid off to push forward a male sexist agenda. Men only let people who agree with them become scientists.  It couldn't be more obvious.  I don't understand how you're not seeing it."

           The phone rings.  Marilyn answers it and turns to Doug.  "Honey, it's for you."

           "Who is it?" says Doug.

           "It's the doctor," says Marilyn.  "I think he wants you to come in for your annual checkup.  Please make sure he checks everything so he'll be healthy."

           Doug rips the phone out of Marilyn's hand. "Hello?   Okay, but I'm not doing any queer stuff, like pissing in a cup. I had to do that in the Army and they even had somebody watch me do it.  It was humiliating.  It felt like somebody was trying to take my own dick away from me.  Okay.  I'll come in tomorrow morning since I won't be working.  Thanks.  Bye."

           He hangs up.  "Are you satisfied now?"

           Marilyn hugs him tightly.  "Can you please promise me you'll have everything checked out? And also start doing this four times a year."

           "It's my body," says Doug.

           "You're wrong," says Marilyn.  "You are my property, and when you die, you're going to be his property, too."  She points to the ceiling.

           "I just don't get you sometimes," says Doug. "You're a pro-choicer, yet you're telling me my body belongs to you.  What am I, your slave?"

           "No," says Marilyn.  "You're my husband.  Of course, I can be your slave when you get back from the doctor's office, if you know what I mean.  Maybe he will give you some ideas.  I want you to think about it."

           Doug walks to the bedroom.  As he gets to the door, Marilyn calls out, "When you're in my home, I'm pro-life.  You just remember that, Buster Brown!"

           "You know I can't stand Bobby Brown," says Doug.

           "I said Buster Brown," says she.  "And if you're thinking about cruising around for a while and then coming back here without going to the doctor, I have a friend who happens to work in that office.  If you don't have the complete physical, I'm divorcing you."

 ***

             Doug goes to the doctor's office the following morning.  He looks at the sign and thinks, why do these guys always have names I can't pronounce. At least this guy's name is easy. Singh.  He enters the waiting room and checks in.  "Hello, my name is Doug, and I'm here for a real basic annual physical.  You know--no funny stuff."

           An hour later a nurse enters the room and calls his name.  Doug thinks, she looks a lot like Vikki Vogue. Put a Catholic school outfit on her and they could be twins.  Ordinarily, this would be Doug's fantasy, but for some reason there is ice in his veins. He rises as he feels his temperature drop.  I don't know why, but I'm having a bad feeling about this.  I feel like I'm going to the gas chamber.

           The nurse walks him down the hall and into a little white room so bright it is blinding.

           "Take off your clothes, put that on, and I need a sample," says Vikki as she hands him a little cup.

           Doug makes like he's going to spit into it.

           "Quit screwing around and relieve yourself in that cup so I can send it to the lab," says she.

           "You mean?" says Doug in exasperation. His heart is racing so fast it hurts. "I think I am going to leave."

           "Nobody leaves here unless they have a complete physical," says Vikki.

           Doug feels like a fly that just got stuck in the spider's web.  "This is America, so I don't have to do this."  He throws the cup at her feet and adds, "Only pussies and faggots bend over and piss in cups.  Oh, and only girls wear those things."  He throws the hospital dress at her.  "Maybe you should wear this.  You'd look much better than I would."

           "I'm reporting you to the doctor," says Vikki.

           "You do that that you little snitch," says Doug.  "You see if that's ever gotten anywhere with anyone."

           The nurse rushes into Doctor Singh's office and says, "We've got another troublemaker."

           "You mean the American macho man?" says Doctor Singh.

           "Yes," says she.  "Why do they have to get so macho?  I wished they could all just do exactly what we want them to do so our jobs would be easier.  No questions asked."

           Doctor Singh smiles and says, "Just give me fifteen minutes alone with him.  I'm a doctor, so I know these people better than they know themselves.  You walk in there, and you'll see.  I'll have him eating out of my hand.  Give me another five and you'll be able to give him the physical yourself.  Of course, that would be illegal.  You have to go to medical school in order to do the prostate exam."

           She steps out of the way as Doctor Singh stands up and adjust his belt like he was a Texas Ranger.  He takes off the Stetson.  It looks as though he was going into a gunfight at the O.K. Corral.  For a man so short, he certainly walks tall. He picks up the clipboard and marches to the tiny room the same way Sherman marched to the Atlantic.  Before entering that cubicle of a room, he turns to Vikki and says, "Let me show you how this is done."  Doctor Singh enters the room wearing a white lab coat over a suit and tie.

           Doug asks, "Didn't I see you in a George Harrison concert out in Bangladesh?"

           Ignoring the remark, Singh asks, "How we doing today?"

           The voice reminds Doug of Apu from the Simpsons. "Nothing much.  So you're the doctor?"

           Doctor Singh points at his nametag that tells the world his title.  "I think that's why I'm dressed the way I am.  Hey, what are you doing wearing your clothes?  I'm going to examine you.  Take off your clothes.  I give you physical."

           "I'd just prefer to wear my clothes." says Doug.  He folds his arms as he strikes a post worthy of Geronimo.  The two of them stare each other down.  It's the cowboys and the Indians, except the roles have been switched.

           "Take off your clothes," says Singh. "I give you physical."

           "No," says Doug.

           "Okay," says Singh, "Take off your shirt."

           "I don't see any harm in that," says Doug is a cocky drawl.

           Doctor Singh checks the basics and says. "Can you remove your shoes?"

           "Sure, but I don't see what that has to do with my health," says Doug.

           "Your feet are one of the most important body parts," says Singh.  "Everything rest on them, so they need to be working."

           "What if I lost my legs, like in a war or something?" says Doug.

           "Then I wouldn't be examining your feet because you wouldn't have any," says Singh.

           Doug starts chuckling.  Doctor Singh sits down across form him, and starts letting go with all the sexist jokes he knows.  Doug is laughing through all of them, each joke funnier than the one that preceded it. Before he knows it, he has let his guard.  Somehow, the spinmeister tricked him into removing his clothes.

           "We just about finished," says Doctor Singh. "This not so bad, huh?  Just walk over there and stand on the scale."

           "You know, I don't know what I was so nervous about," says Doug.  "I had you all wrong.  You're really a good guy.  I like you."

           There is no answer.  Unbeknownst to Doug, Singh is sneaking up behind him.  Then it happened!

           Out in the waiting room, everybody hears a man screaming.  Some people freak out and race to the parking lot.  Others are too stunned to move, so they just sit there.

           Five minutes later, Doug is walking through the waiting room.

           "That man looks like he just seen a ghost," says a waiting patient.

           "He's walking funny," says another patient. "I'm leaving."

           "Like hell you are," comes a voice from the back hallway.  It is Doctor Singh, and he is running fast to block the patient's exit.  The patient leaves just in time.  When the patient runs out to his car, he turns around to see the little brown man shaking his fist at him.  He may as well have been looking at the devil himself.

           "You sure he's going to be all right?" asks Vikki.  "I've never seen anybody in such a state of shock.  I had to dress him."

           "He'll be all right," says Singh. "They always leave this way. Whenever I break somebody's spirit, they go into this.  They bounce back every time, though.  What are you worried about?  He wouldn't take his clothes off for you, but you got to put them back on for him.  He fulfilled his fantasy, you accomplished your goal, and I got mine.  Everybody wins."

           Doctor Singh laughs as he pushes through the front door.  Doug is oblivious to everything around him.

           "Hey chowder-head," says Singh.  Doug fails to notice.

           "Dummy," says Singh, "I'm talking to you. Look at me!"  He is still laughing.

           As Doug slides into his truck, Singh notices that Doug's body is looks stiff as a piece of cardboard.  His entire body is a straight line with no bending at any point. He looks like a cardboard cutout climbing into that thing.  Some macho man.  I taught him who's boss.

           "You hear me?" says Singh.  Suddenly, the doctor's smile turns into a frown as he runs up to Doug.  Before Doug could shut the door, Singh fat little hand grabs it.  "I have only one thing to say to you," says the sadistical physician.  "See you in three months.  If you don't do it, I'll make sure Marilyn drives you back to me.  Nothing matters more to me than your health."  Then he slams the door shut, and he slaps the side of the vehicle the same way somebody slaps a horse's side to get it moving. "Get out of here, your toy is taking up valuable parking space.  My other patients need to park here too, you know."

           Doctor Singh walks back to Vikki Vogue and puts his arm around her.  "That's all right.  He'll come back.  They always do.  I broke this one the same you break a wild Mustang.  You know what they say, start small and think big.  I've been doing this long enough to know how to really drum up business."

           Vikki looks at him with her innocent pools of cobalt. "It's not funny to joke about these things.  A human life is sacred so I got into the healthcare business for more important reasons than just making money."

           "Oh, come off high horse now," says Singh. He can almost speak perfect English. "The lower GI people love me over there at the hospital.  They said because of me they have a constant flow of colonoscopy and barium enemas. They said they'd be out of business if it wasn't for me to train turn these guys."

 ***

             Doug is sitting on his bed at home.  His wife walks into the bedroom.

           "Why aren't you talking, honey?" says Marilyn.

           Doug grumbles.

           "Speak up." says Marilyn.  "You sound like you've got marbles in your mouth."

           Doug grumbles again.

           Marilyn pulls him by the ear like he's a little kid. "It's not all right.  You'd better start talking to me.  I'm your wife.  You come home and walk in here without saying a word.  It's almost as if you lost a war to a foreign enemy.  Plus you're as white as a sheet."

           Doug hides his face in his hands.  "This is embarrassing.  Please leave me alone."

           Marilyn tries prying his hands away from his face. "Come on.  I've watched you go to the bathroom.  You've watched me, too.  We don't hide any secrets from each other.  Look at me."

           Doug blushes.  "I feel like somebody is watching me take a number two.  I feel weird."

           "Of course you're weird," says Marilyn. "That's why I love you.  Now look at me."  She cups his face in her hands and stares deep into his eyes. "Honey, whatever it is, we'll get through this, together.  What happened?"

           Doug is reluctant to tell her.  "They wanted me to pee in a cup.  Those kinds of things don't happen to a man like me. Not in America."

           "Yes they do," says Marilyn.  "And they should.  I told you I wanted you to have a complete checkup.  They checked everything, right?"

           "I think that little prick stung me," says Doug.

           "With a needle?" says Marilyn.

           "With his finger," says Doug.  "You happy now?  He did the same thing to me that you want me to do you sometimes."

           "Yes, but this wasn't sex," says Marilyn. "This was a physical to keep you healthy.  Do you think I enjoy tampons, PAP smears, and pelvic examinations?"

           "Yes, but you should because you're a woman," says Doug.  "That's natural for you."

           "You remember our wedding night?" says Marilyn.

           "Awesome night," says Doug.  "Too bad it only took us fifteen minutes.  Then you didn't want to go anywhere the next day. You stayed inside and wouldn't talk. I thought you were taking drugs."

           "Actually," says Marilyn, "I gave myself to you. Right now, you feel exactly the same way I did.  I was terrified that if I went outside, people would see a mark that said 'whore' on my forehead.  I was afraid people were going to think I was a freak."

           "But you're the most beautiful woman in the world," says Doug.  "You know how many guys I've fought because of what they said they would do to you if I died first?  I don't feel too manly now."

           "Listen, you had a responsibility," says Marilyn. "They looked at everything, right?"

           "If you mean he touched everything," says Doug, "just the one thing, but it was my everything, and he didn't even tell me he was going to do it."

           "That doesn't matter if he told you because he had to do it, anyway," says Marilyn.  "You peed in the cup, right?"

           Doug doesn't answer.

           "Oh Douglas," says Marilyn.  "You have to go back."

           "Never!" says Doug as he points his finger toward the ceiling in triumph.

           "He already did the one thing, so you might as well go all the way," says Marilyn.  "What have you got to lose?"

           Doug sits there.

           "Douglas," says Marilyn.  "Tell me you'll do it.  If you love me you'll do it.  After all, I have to do all my things just for you.  That way we can always be together."

           "But you enjoy those things," says Doug.

           "That's beside the point," says Marilyn.

           After a tense moment, the man deflates like a punctured tire.  Whatever was left of his dignity is gone forever.  Doug finally says, "I'll do it.  Might as well.  I've got nothing to lose now."

           Marilyn embraces him.  "I love you, sweetie."

 ***

             A couple of weeks later, Doug is on a local television show advocating complete physicals and preventive medicine in general.

           "Hello, folks," says the anchorman.  "As you already know, I'm Pete, and joining me here today is a man named Doug.  He just had a procedure that is going around like the bug.  Douglas, or should I say Doug?"

           "You can call me Doug," says Doug.  "Just don't call me late for the doctor's office."

           Besides Doug, only a couple people in the audience laugh, and they are only doing it because they thought the man is a little weird.

           "Doug, tell us about that procedure you just had," says Pete.  "Can you tell us what it is?  It must have been a religious experience because you seem awfully giddy."

           Doug is wound up like a spring. "Certainly, Pete."

           "You won't stop smiling," says Pete.

           "Pete, I went in for surgery," says Doug.

           A woman in the front row holds her hand to her breast and exhales.  "Good boy," she whispers.

           "Surgery, I thought it was just, can I say it on TV?" says Pete.  "Yes? Enema?"

           "Of course it's surgery because it saved my life," says Doug.

           "I've got the feeling you would still be here today even if you didn't have that," says Doug.

           "You'll die if you don't have it, Pete," says Doug.

           "What makes you think you would die if you don't have it?" says Pete.

           "It's what everybody is saying," says Doug.

           "Who is everybody?" says Pete.  "I'm not saying it.  He's not saying it.  I know a lot of intelligent people who aren't saying it."

           "My doctor is saying it," says Doug.  He holds his head high in triumph and looks over the audience as he says this.          

           "But your doctor is saying it because that's how he's making his money," says Pete.

           "But my doctor took something called the hypocritical oath," says Doug.  "He swore an allegiance to GOD.  If he does it for money he'll go to hell when he dies, so I doubt that very much."

           "But the Hippocratic oath is sworn to ancient Greek gods," says Pete.  "Aren't you a born-again Christian?"

           "Yes I am, Pete," says Doug.

           "You people go around claiming that you are the only true religion," says Pete.  "Are you saying that people who don't share your beliefs are going to hell when they die?"

           "Absolutely," says Doug.

           "The Hippocratic oath is to false gods, then?" says Pete.

           "It's called the hypocritic oath," says Doug. "Get it right, fool."

           :"I'll say that it is," says Pete. "You still haven't answered me on the issue of worshiping the right gods."

           Doug holds up his hand for silence. "I'll clarify everything so even a stupid person can understand it.  First things first, those are imaginary gods, so they are not an affront to GOD himself.  They don't even constitute being gods.  Second, since those gods don't exist, they cannot be worshiped.  Third, when the hypocritical oath is administered, like medicine, the doctor is not even attempting to worship them.  Fourth, I'm sure the LORD knows this and sees past the part about worshiping false gods instead of him."

           "So none if this is binding?" says Pete.

           "I didn't say that," says Doug.  He points up to the ceiling.  Everybody's eyes follow him to look for the spot he is pointing at on the ceiling.  "He knows.  You see, when somebody swears to a false god, like a Greek one, that person is making it look like they are legitimately taking an oath to a real god, like GOD himself. In short, GOD is going to treat that as though the oath was made to him because the reasonable person would think the doctor is making a real oath to a real god."

           "You sound a little confused," says Pete.

           Doug laughs and shows off his pearly whites. "I'm afraid you're the one who's confused, pal.  I know it's hard to understand, but when you have your religious experience, you'll see the light."

           "I don't think I want to have a religious experience," says Pete.

           "You do," says Doug.  "Everybody does, except for the children of Satan. They always try to hide from the light."

           "I think I know myself a lot better than you do," says Pete.  "How would you like it if I told you I know you better than you know yourself, and that I'm going to make your decisions for you?"

           "I don't know you," says Doug, "but he does.  He'll fix what's wrong with you.  You'll see."

           "What if I tell you I made a rite of passage," says Pete.  "Don't talk over me.  Wait until I'm finished.  Let me just say that I know right from wrong, and that I always hold myself to a social contract.  I treat people the way they deserve to be treated, and that I'm just in my dealings with others.  What if I was to tell you that I have my own worldview, and I use that to make just decisions?"

           "Rational decisions," says Doug.  "That's a mistake.  You are only a man, and men are fools.  Logic is the way of the confused man."

           "I believe I am looking at one right now," says Pete.

           "Say what you want about me," says Doug. "I forgive you."

           "What's wrong with logic?" says Pete.

           "Because you should pray for guidance from the LORD first," says Doug.  "Then you should think through your heart.  I always lead with my heart.  It is what Jesus would have done.  Don't think. Follow the heart."

           "How about if I tell you I wouldn't do that thing you had done?" says Pete.

           "That would be suicide, Pete," says Doug. "You have to do it.  If you don't, GOD will punish you for committing the greatest sin of all."

           "I don't touch kids," says Pete. "I'm not a priest."

           Doug looks at him with raised eyebrows.  Then he goes into an impish grin.  "Nice try.  I'm talking about committing suicide."

           "But suicide isn't a sin," says Pete.

           "Yes it is," says Doug.  He starts getting high and mighty as he says this. "It says so in the Bible. The Bible is the word of GOD."

           "But it doesn't," says Pete. "There's no verse in the bible that condemns it."

           "I'm an expert on religion," says Doug. "Let me show you.  Anybody here got a Bible?"

           Nobody answers.

           "It doesn't surprise me," says Doug. "Such is the way of the world now. People don't carry Bibles around with them anymore."

           "I guess you're not an exception," says Pete.

           Doug looks confused.

           "You're not carrying one either," says Pete.

           "That's different," says Doug.

           "How is that different?" says Pete.

           "I usually do carry one," says Doug. "I simply forgot this time. I'd bet you never carry one.  As a matter of fact, I'll bet you never even opened up a Bible in your life."

           "I spent several years of my life studying the bible," says Pete.  "How do you think I know there is no verse condemning suicide?"

           "I don't know," says Doug.  "I guess it's just one of those mysteries that cannot be explained."

           "As you say," says Pete.

           "You'll have it done because you don't want to die," says Doug.  "I would have died if I didn't do it.  My wife said so.  I was reluctant, but she made a good argument."

           "That would be?" says Pete.

           "Our bodies are temples, Pete," says Doug. "We don't belong to ourselves.   All that talk about rugged individualism and being an American is hogwash.  My wife told me I was just compensating for something.  She convinced me that I was weak and inferior too."

           "But my grandfather never had one of those," says Pete.

           "Is you grandfather still alive?" says Doug.

           "No," says Pete.

           "See?" says Doug.  "You just made my point for me.  By your own admission, he's dead."

           "He lived to be 102," says Pete.

           "Don't make no difference to me," says Doug. "If he had the same thing I had, he would still be alive today."

           "He would be about 150," says Pete.

           "Then you admit he would still be alive," says Doug.  "And I'd bet you dollars to cents he's be a healthy 150 years old, too."

           "What makes you think that?" says Pete.

           "Because of medical science, Pete," says Doug. "The average life expectancy used to be less than fifty.  Then it was eighty.  Soon it will be 120.  In the next couple of decades it will be 150, just like your granddad would be if he was smart."

           "The procedure didn't even exist yet?" says Pete.

           "That's no excuse," says Doug.  "It should have been."

           "On what grounds are you saying this?" says Pete.

           "I read it all the time," says Doug. 'You know those shiny little things that doctors give you?"

           "Medical brochures?" says Pete.

           "Yes, those things," says Doug. "They all say this.  The people who handed me these things are professionals, so they know what they're talking about."

           "But they are a biased source," says Pete.

           Doug bugs his eyes out like he has never heard of anything so absurd.  "Biased? That's crazy talk."

           "Those people are making money hand over fist by keeping guys like you terrified," says Pete.

           "Those people that you talk about took an oath, okay," says Doug.  "I don't feel they would lie to me.  Besides, it would be suicide to not do this."

           "It's not a form of suicide," says Pete. "And I think I already covered the part about the bible not condemning suicide.  No verse in there says it."

           "You read those verses literally, right?" says Doug.

           "Yes I have," says Pete.

           "That's why," says Doug.  "You can't read the bible literally.  You have to be filled with the Holy Spirit first.  Then you'll see what GOD wants you to see."

           The cameraman whispers to the teleprompter. "This guy is starting to piss Pete off.  Look at him. His neck is turning a little red. That little guy better stop getting so excited because if Pete loses his temper."

           Pete looks over at the camera.  The people standing next to the camera gesture to Pete. "Just keep it rolling.  We don't want dead air."

           "Dead air's not the problem," whispers Pete. "There's a lot of hot air if you come over where I'm seated."

           "Have it, okay," says Doug.  "It'll keep you healthy."

           "How would you know?" says Pete.

           Doug shakes his head.  "What?  How would I know what?"

           "That you're going to live such a long life?" says Pete.

           "Oh, my doctor is from India," says Doug. "Doctor Singh is his name. Excellent doctor."

           "What makes him an excellent doctor?" says Pete.

           "He's from India," says Doug. "Doctors come from India. Doctors are smart, and everybody in India is smart.  Very smart people, you know?"

           "Prove it," says Pete.

           "Look around you," says Doug.  "How many Americans do you see practicing medicine?"

           "My cousin's a brain surgeon in one of the top hospitals in Los Angeles," says Pete.

           "Exception to the rule," says Doug.  "Doctor Singh's got more brains in that little finger of his than you have in your entire head."  Doug shifts his butt in his chair as he says this, and then shudders. It is the first time he stopped smiling. Then he resumes grinning.

           Pete raises his voice.  "Is that a fact?"

           "I don't see no white lab coat on you, genius," says Doug.

           "I passed the New York State bar," says Pete.

           "Good for you," says Doug.

           "Do you know how hard that is?" says Pete.

           "It couldn't be too hard," says Doug. "You passed it, yet you don't look like my doctor does.  You don't have the same genes he does."

           "Ty it," says Pete.

           Doug leans back and looks over the crowd. "Don't care to.  If passing the bar was as hard as becoming a doctor then I would see a bunch of people from India who are lawyers.  My lawyer's name is Smith.  That tells you there's a difference."

           "What medical school did he go to?" says Pete.

           "Some medical school," says Doug.

           "Which one?" says Pete.

           "Don't know," says Doug.  "You should ask him yourself."  Doug folds his, and thrusts out his chest like he is a proud Indian Chief.  For some reason, he thinks the act is going to work this time.

           "I think you've got the wrong continent," Sonny Jim," says Pete.

           Doug laughs and shakes his head at Pete.

           "I think it's a little too late for that, anyway," says Pete.

           Doug looks at him.  "For what?"

           Pete mimics Doug and says, "For this. You left your manhood back in that doctor's office."

           Doug points his thumb in Pete's direction.  "Folks, I think what we have here is a man in denial."

           "I know perfectly where I stand," says Pete. "You're the one in denial."

           "Hey, take it easy," says Doug.  "I just had surgery."

           "It wasn't surgery," says Pete.  "If you ask me, it was hit and run rape.  And I'll also add that--"

           Pete's crew interrupts him and they're whispering. "You can't say it on television. Just cut to a commercial break."

           "Sorry ladies and gentleman," says Pete.  "We'll have to cut this short.  We're breaking for a commercial."  Pete turns his head:  "Security, get this strange little man off my stage.  Thank you, Sven and Ivan."

           Two seven foot tall Scandinavians come out and escort Doug off the stage.  They look like Vikings.  Doug turns to the crowd and starts pumping his fist in the air:  "Do it people.  Beat death with medical science.  If you live like I have you'll be celebrating your 150th birthday, and you'll probably be enjoying it with your original teeth.  I'm going to live forever because I let somebody clean my bowels for me."

 ***

             Out in the parking lot, somebody from another news station is parked next to Doug's Cavalier.

           Doug spots them.  Oh goody, I can sell these guys my story too.

           The newsman walks up to Doug.  "Tell me, sir.  How did a guy like you who always acted so macho turn tail, I mean change sides like this?"

           Doug looks right into the camera lens.  His brown eyes are shining like dark jewels as the sun reflects off him.  He tilts his head back and looks up to the sky like he thinks he is Jesus.  "I use to belong to myself, but then I gave myself to Jesus and became his temple."

           "I'm not talking about Jesus," says the newsman, "I'm talking about how you became a mouthpiece for the medical community?"

           "My body is a temple the LORD begat me," says Doug, "and when I gave myself to him, I signed a contract that I would take care of the body he gave me with the latest technology available."

           "Can I see the paperwork?" says the newsman.

           "That is my LORD and Savior you're talking about," says Doug.  "I'll forgive you, but you'd better watch out for him."

           "Now that you brought him up," says the newsman, "why didn't you just pray for GOD to cure you instead of having the medical community do all the legwork?"

           "The LORD works in mysterious ways, young man," says Doug.  "It is not up to us to question his methods."

           "That might be true," says the newsman, "but if he is all powerful, then he could have cured you himself."

           "That's blasphemy," says Doug.  "I just told you that you can't question what he does, or how he does it."

            "I don't really believe in that stuff," says the newsman.  "I'm Jewish and my family came from Germany. You could ask them about how much protection GOD gave them when he let Hitler throw them in the concentration camps. Instead of getting baptized, many of them took a shower instead."

           Doug points his finger at the newsman.  "Didn't you say they were Jewish?  They rejected Jesus and the ransom sacrifice.  You know, the Bible says that is the one unforgivable sin."

           The newsman frowns.  "Don't blame my relatives for what happened to them.  Get away from me, you asshole!"

           "You know," says Doug, "you shouldn't go around blaming other people for your problems.  You didn't take Jesus up as your savior, so now you're blaming me for the horrible things that happened to you."

           "They didn't happen to me," says the newsman, "they happened to my relatives."

           "Well you'd better get on the ball then," says Doug.  "If you don't take up Jesus as your savior right now, the same things will happen to you.  The great tribulation is upon us, and if you've read the New Testament, you would know things are going to get really ugly.  I sure glad I took up Jesus as my savior.  I wouldn't want to be one of those people who didn't."

           The newsman takes off with the film crew. Doug folds his arms and just stares up at the sky with admiration.  An hour later, Doug is still looking at the cotton candy landscape up above, admiring the beauty of GOD's handiwork.

           A young man in a ski mask walks up behind Doug and pushes a piece into the back of his head.  "Yo, give me all yo money, Honky."

           With that perpetual smile on his face, Doug turns to face the man.  "I forgive you."  Doug is about to hug the bandit.

           BLAM!

           Doug drops to the pavement.  THUNK!

           The mugger starts rifling through Doug's pockets. He finds the wallet, and takes only the cash.  He sees a bunch of religious pictures, a picture of Marilyn, and the photo of the procedure being done.

           "Yuck," says the mugger as he drops everything but the cash.

           The robber looks up at the sky.  "I guess the LORD does work in mysterious ways. Now I can buy some crack while I be banging some ho's."

           The mugger is about to leave, but then he spots the Cavalier.  Maybe I could get a few bucks at the pawn shop for his radio.  Out of the blue, the mugger could hear a police siren.  That's sounds awful close.  On second thought, I just gotta make like a track start and blow outta here.

           Back at the house, Marilyn is sitting at there kitchen table, wondering what's keeping Doug.  What's keeping that guy?  I spent the last two days preparing this delicious cake for his birthday.  Well, at least I know he's coming back.  He's faithful, and he just got a complete checkup.  He's got a clean bill of health.

THE END

[aion-rsa]

Who Is Taskmaster? Potential Black Widow Movie Villain Explained

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The MCU might finally be introducing one of Marvel's coolest villains in Black Widow. Here's what he's about.

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With Marvel's MCU Phase 4 rapidly approaching, it’s almost surprising that it has taken this long for the Taskmaster to show his skull-covered face. Taskmaster has been taking on various Marvel heroes since 1980 and has gone on to star in two miniseries while getting the occasional supporting character role. He’s on that border where it was hard to tell whether he’d show up in the movies or get relegated to TV, showing up as a villain on Agents of SHIELD or something from the Defenders’ neck of the woods on Netflix. But now it appears that he'll be the villain of the Black Widow movie, which is coming in 2020.

Taskmaster first appeared in Avengers #195, created by David Michelinie and George Perez, mainly as a cliffhanger villain to set up his showcase in the next issue. A fifth-rate villain by the name of Pernell Solomon had a rather inconsequential plot involving cloning himself that ended badly, mostly because it exposed the Avengers to the existence of the Taskmaster and his secret villain school. You see, Taskmaster has a special power called “photographic” reflexes. If he sees someone perform an action – as long as it is a human movement – he can do the same on command. He’s essentially a greatest hits mixtape of every great warrior in the Marvel Universe.

But seriously, he can’t do superhuman stuff. He once tried to copy the movements of living cartoon character Slapstick and Bane’d himself.

At first he was going to become a superhero, but he realized that being a villain is where the money’s at. Then he came up with an even better and safer plan: keep the mercenary part of the job minimal and instead make money by teaching goons how to fight. If you’re joining Hydra or AIM and you want to know how to fight, just pay the guy who knows exactly how Captain America throws his shield so well and can perform Daredevil’s exact flips. He’d be able to make all that money using his skills while refraining from taking on superheroes head-on.

In his first appearance, Taskmaster easily took down Scott Lang Ant-Man, Hank Pym, and Wasp. He was even able to take on Captain America and Iron Man at the same time. His downfall was when he got in a one-on-one with Jocasta, who had no human movement to play off of, plus she was straight-up out of his league in terms of power. The other Avengers caught up and Taskmaster barely escaped.

In the years that followed, he remained the renowned villain coach while taking the occasional job if the money was right. Taskmaster was driven by greed as he had no trouble working for Crossbones or the US government if they paid up. During the memorable storyline where Steve Rogers was stripped of his Captain America title, the government had Taskmaster train John Walker, the star-spangled replacement who would later go on to be US Agent.

Marvel was weird about Taskmaster’s identity. For the longest time, they never gave him a real name, but they also didn’t seem to mind showing him unmasked from time to time. Like one time the Punisher nearly killed him and Daredevil later visited him in the hospital. Other than some bandages on his head, Taskmaster looked like a completely average white dude, albeit with a history of plastic surgery. We would eventually get some answers on his backstory, but there would be some contradictions.

Taskmaster appeared in the second issue of Joe Kelly and Ed McGuinness’ legendary Deadpool run where Taskmaster kidnapped Deadpool’s sidekick/abused best friend Weasel. The showdown was played for laughs as Taskmaster, boasting about how he can read anyone’s movements and can predict your attacks before you even think about it, was completely helpless against the unpredictable Deadpool. Initially, this was supposed to build towards Taskmaster as a major nemesis for Deadpool during the Kelly run where the plan was that he’d start gaining the ability to inherit strategies the same way he inherits movements. That subplot was cut early on.

Regardless, Taskmaster remained a major part of Deadpool’s corner of the Marvel Universe and would appear in countless runs. While at times Taskmaster would be targeting Deadpool, other times, he would be his long-suffering partner in crime. One of their more memorable meet-ups had Taskmaster one of many hired guns working for a mobster against Deadpool and Spider-Man. Taskmaster whispered to Deadpool that his heart wasn’t really in it and offered to throw the fight for old time’s sake.

It was through that Deadpool connection that we got the brief “UDON Taskmaster” phase in the early '00s. The art studio UDON was drawing the Gail Simone run of Deadpool while also taking care of Ken Siu-Chong’s Taskmaster miniseries. The connecting tissue of this was mainly Sandi Brandenberg, a love interest to Taskmaster and secretary to Deadpool. But also, Taskmaster changed up his appearance, going from “albino Skeletor” to “street-wise Skull Man.” He was more gun-based than sword and shield.

The miniseries went deeper into his abilities, showing that he can remember every moment of his life with 100% clarity. He can also amp up his powers by watching fight footage in fast-forward, which makes him move at super speed at the cost of his body breaking down if he does it for too long. There’s also a neat anecdote about the pitfalls of his powers, as when he was a kid, he watched someone perform a perfect dive, copied it, and then almost drowned because he didn’t know how to swim.

Also, they finally revealed that Taskmaster’s real name is Tony Masters. Of course it is.

The miniseries and the cancellation of Deadpool coned into a new series called Agent X, centered around a scarred-up amnesiac named Alex Hayden who had Deadpool’s powers and personality and appeared months after Deadpool’s supposed death. Taskmaster was a major part of the series, taking time to be annoyed by Hayden’s antics, pining for Sandi, and being an all-around badass.

read more: Agent X: The Strange History of the Other Deadpool

While the UDON Taskmaster look showed up here and there, he was back to his original appearance by the time he was going after Moon Knight. He ended up getting more play thanks in part to Civil War and its aftermath, going from a member of the government’s pro-registration force to training cadets in Avengers: The Initiative. It was there that he became friends with one of his students, Eric O’Grady, the Irredeemable Ant-Man.

Once Norman Osborn took over the superhero wing of the government, Taskmaster briefly joined Osborn’s inner-circle of top villains, otherwise known as the Cabal. Taskmaster ultimately hated being Osborn’s whipping boy and secretly worked against him, eventually escaping and laughing when Osborn’s empire came crumbling down.

In 2011, Fred Van Lente and Jefte Palo joined together to create another Taskmaster miniseries, which was not only fantastic, but it added a few twists and retcons to the character’s backstory. It showed that Taskmaster answers to a higher power called the Org that calls him and gives him orders. Also, Taskmaster has a mental problem where he can only retain so much knowledge, so his brain tends to dump information that isn’t based on physical survival. In other words, he can fight in countless ways, but he can’t remember who he is or really anything about his past. Just a nagging feeling of unforgiveable guilt.

In this story, he protected a diner waitress named Mercedes from all sorts of assassins, only to discover that not only is Mercedes his Org handler, but she’s also his wife. Taskmaster is in fact a SHIELD agent who took a special kind of Super Soldier Serum that gave him his powers, but forces him to constantly forget the woman he loves. Hence the endless guilt.

There's also the thing that he's been unwittingly working for SHIELD all these years.

While that take on Taskmaster was eventually forgotten about (how fitting), it did lead to Avengers Academy member Finesse. Finesse is an Audrey Hepburn lookalike with powers exactly like Taskmaster’s who may or may not be his illegitimate daughter. When she tracked him down and fought him, it was heartbreaking to Taskmaster, as she only fought with copied movesets and he’d never be able to remember her for being her.

Since then, Taskmaster has shown up here and there, usually working alongside Black Ant, who is a robot duplicate of the Eric O’Grady Ant-Man. He tends to pop up whenever Marvel needs a throwaway villain and they’re tired of calling in the Wrecking Crew.

Outside of main continuity, Taskmaster’s shown up in a handful of alternate universe stories. One thing I find amusing is how there’s a What If issue based on the whole “John Walker as Captain America” storyline that has Taskmaster explain his powers by claiming to be a mutant because back then, nobody at Marvel thought too hard about how he got his skills. Then there’s House of M: Avengers, where Taskmaster does the same for the sake of fitting in with the high-status mutant community.

read more: Marvel Movies Release Schedule: Complete MCU Timeline

Taskmaster only showed up in the Ultimate comics towards the end of its run, but there wasn’t much to him. The only thing memorable was that they made him black.

The series Deadpool MAX reimagined Taskmaster as a grizzled and horny woman assassin who turned Wade Wilson into a killing machine and groomed him in the sexual sense. It's probably better that they didn’t go with this version of the character for the movie.

Taskmaster has shown up on several cartoons and in some video games. One of the more memorable is the recent Spider-Man for PlayStation 4 where he acts as a bonus threat, serving a similar purpose as Riddler in the Batman Arkham games. In a look that merged his classic appearance with his UDON appearance, he stalked Spider-Man through the city and came off as more of a knockoff of Deathstroke.

No wonder he and Deadpool keep crossing paths.

He's appeared in the trailer for Marvel's Avengers, which is pretty perfect, considering it will come out right around Black Widow, when the mainstream will presumably care about the skull-faced merc.

Lastly, I can’t help but mention Taskmaster’s appearance in Marvel vs. Capcom 3. Not just because you get to play as him and pull off sweet moves stolen from Hawkeye, Captain America, and Black Knight. Not just for his charming Brooklyn accent. Instead, it's for his rad-as-hell theme song.

Hopefully we'll hear this when he goes into action in Black Widow. I’m pumped for anything after listening to that song.

Read and download the Den of Geek SDCC 2019 Special Edition Magazine right here!

Gavin Jasper writes for Den of Geek and feels that if Taskmaster was more realistic, he’d be doing way more breakdancing. Read Gavin’s other articles here and follow him on Twitter @Gavin4L

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Gavin Jasper

Jul 18, 2019

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