#i let everything sort of fester and then come back and listen to 5 episodes in a row while i work

[sergle]

HOW are you still listening to the mcelroys

i know it's a little silly and quirky of me, but i actually still watch/read/listen to lots of things even when they aren't trending on tumblr anymore

[gtgrandom]

Beck and Jade: Toxicity

Alright kiddos.  With the resurgence of Victorious, I’ve seen a lot of new and old viewers idolizing this relationship, and while I 100% support your decision to ship what you want to ship, we need to acknowledge some of the red flags in this relationship and talk about why it shouldn’t be #goals.  I’ve seen too many teens talking about how realistic these two are (which is insane given the show’s comedic exaggeration) and how they want to embody everything Jade is as a woman, and my heart dies a bit. 

I know how annoying it is to see false accusations of an “abusive” couple by a non-psychologist simply because someone doesn’t ship it.  And yeah, I realize this is a kid’s show designed to entertain.  But I also realize what impact television has on the youth and their expectations of love.  So I want to set some things straight.  

Hot take: You can still enjoy the show while recognizing what a healthy relationship looks like. 

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First, let’s talk about aspects that WERE healthy:

1. Open Communication

These two felt so “real” because they would confront each other directly about behavior they didn’t approve of, things that annoyed them, etc.  Most of the time they were so direct, issues didn’t have enough time to fester and boil over.  Honesty is key in a healthy relationship, and for them, teasing and arguing served as an acceptable avenue for this honesty.   

2. They do learn to adapt to each other’s needs and grow together...sort of. 

Being able to recognize your own shortcomings and value your partner for their ability to see past those flaws is essential.  Fighting is okay if you can come together after it, understand why your partner was upset, and grow stronger from the experience.  The earthquake should strengthen the bridge after the new changes and reinforcements are put in place, not weaken it...

But time apart requires you to reflect on yourself.  When two people come back together and their means of apology is through kissing or sex...that tells you exactly what makes the relationship function.  

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Now...for the portrayal of toxic behavior and emotional abuse.

 1. Ugly jealousy

Jade’s jealousy is a constant source of conflict for the two, OBVIOUSLY.  While she might say what we’re all thinking, her possessiveness is unattractive - and had it been the trait for a male love interest on the show, fans would have attacked him for it.  You’re not allowed to control who your boyfriend hangs out with and befriends. You have no right to do so.  You can express to him, “hey, I feel insecure about our relationship when you hang out with this individual exclusively.  Can I come with you this time and get to know her better so I can put my mind at ease?”  If he doesn't take your concerns seriously, then you should leave the relationship.  

And if the new girl (as unjustified as it was) makes out with your boyfriend, you take your issues up with your disloyal boyfriend. You don’t continue to bully the other girl. 

There’s a difference between speaking your mind / sticking to your values, and being a total dick.  Jade crosses this line every episode.  She’s not iconic when she bullies her friends.  It’s really not that funny.

2. Putting words in Beck’s mouth

A lot of the times this is used for comedic effect.  Because you know how sensitive women are. You just can’t say anything as a man, lest she twist it around on you... :/  Regardless, it turns Jade into an instigator, an agitator, and a difficult person to reach a consensus with.  Don’t put words in your loved one’s mouth. Listen to what they have to say. Process it.  Come back after you’ve had a chance to walk it off and think rationally.

3.  Fighting at high frequency and magnitude 

It’s one of the “quirks” of this relationship.  Teens like to call it “rocky” and “full of chemistry.”  Nah.  It’s just plain ol’ toxic fighting and hostility.  Especially because it’s usually over something stupid and entirely irrelevant to their relationship.  A passionate relationship doesn’t mean you argue and fight everyday.  Your relationship should have more positive energy than negative.  Otherwise, why bother?

If they wanted to show a realistic relationship and the struggles teens encounter, they could have taken a dozen different avenues.  Like an episode where everything they say gets on each other’s nerves and they just need some space, but then at the end of the episode they can laugh about how they were arguing over something as silly as x,y,z.  

Instead, they made Jade the classic toxic bad boy trope.

4. Emotional instability and manipulation

Many people call Beck the calm, grounding force who is the only one capable of “topping” Jade.  That’s whack.  No one should have to babysit their partner because they’re so emotionally jagged and explosive. Sure, it makes for good comedy, but these two could have just as easily been best friends who knew how to deal with one another.  They even could have been a healthier pairing if the writers had made Jade treat Beck with more respect than everyone else.  But in the end, Beck has to be her backboard and police officer more than he gets to be her boyfriend.

Jade has too many issues to work through (jealousy, insecurity, aggression, etc).  She shouldn’t be in a relationship until she can properly channel that anger and resentment. 

Otherwise, she needs someone who won’t put up with her bullshit the way Beck does.  (He calls her out on it every now and again, but he also claims that he enjoys not having an easy relationship).

5. Disloyalty 

I’m not about to say that Jade is jealous for no reason.  Beck could be much better at showing her he only has eyes for his girlfriend.  That he puts her at the same level as (or above) his platonic friendships and acting career.  But this isn’t always the case, and Jade hates it.  

Another reason to break it off. Don’t settle for a man who punishes your behavior by allowing the new girl to kiss him -- or who makes you feel inadequate in any way.

That’s the tea.

That’s all for today, kids.  Ship the fictional pairing all you want, god knows I have my fair share of toxic ships (side-eyes Delena).  Just please don’t call it realistic.  And please know that real relationships take work (real love is a choice as much as it’s a feeling), but that doesn’t mean your relationships have to be this ugly. <3

[russellthornton]

How to Make Conversation with Your Ex: Avoid the Awkward Silence

Ever been to an event and suddenly you realize your ex is there? Here are 10 tips on how to make conversation with your ex and avoid any awkward silence.

Imagine—you’ve been invited to a wedding, work function, or a party at a friend’s house. After cozying yourself with a martini and a plastic plate filled sky-high with food, you catch sight of your ex. This is what we call social trickiness. Why would your beloved friend invite your wretched ex to their event? You just need to know how to make conversation with your ex.

Hey, it happens. And usually there’s nothing you can do about it unless you are a: one of these rare breeds who is actually friends with their ex, or b: don’t mind making a giant scene and being ‘that friend’ in the wedding party.

How to make conversation with your ex

You know, if you absolutely must. We kid, we kid. Sort of. Unless you’re looking to make everyone else around you highly uncomfortable, breaking the ice with your ex is pretty much essential if you’re stuck together at a function or event. Here is how to make conversation with your ex and be the bigger person without wanting to scrape your skin off with a cheese-grater.

So instead of having a shouting match or evilly plotting against your ex-lover all night, here’s everything you need to know on how to make conversation with your ex. [Read: 14 things you HAVE to keep in mind when you accidentally bump into an ex]

#1 DO: Ask questions. Asking open-ended questions is a great way to get to know someone, so why not treat your ex like anyone else you’d meet at a party? Obviously, there are going to be some questions you already know the answers to, but the implication of ‘let’s talk’ is the same. Some conversation starters include:

– How’s your family doing? – How’d you spend your *recent holiday/summer*? – How’s work?/Where are you working now? – What have you been up to since we last spoke? -Did you hear about *this awesome thing* that *our mutual/once mutual friend* did? – Any exciting plans coming up?

You may or may not want to ask if they are currently seeing anybody since it may sound like you’re hitting on them or being incredibly smug. [Read: Sex with your ex – When it’s okay and when you have to stay clear]

#2 DON’T: Talk about yourself too much. Remember you’re in a conversation. That involves what, ladies and gentleman? That’s right, a conversation happening with two people, not just you. We know, we know, you want to rub your cool new life in your ex’s face, but bragging about your excellent job and sexually satisfying partner may not be the subtlest way to approach a conversation with your ex.

#3 DO: Try and find common interests again. You did like this person at one point. If you’re trapped for conversation, why not reconnect over your past common interests? Talk about the latest episode of a show you both like, a new video game, a sporting event, or some other pastime.

#4 DON’T: Talk about your past relationship. When it comes to learning how to make conversation with your ex, bringing up the past probably isn’t your best route. This conjures up old hurt feelings that you probably don’t want to relive at a social gathering.

It may also resort to lusty feelings or angry outbursts that are probably best left in your past. [Read: Break up sex and 10 circumstances where it works]

#5 DO: Share a personal anecdote. Research suggests laughter is both a humorous and a social emotion. Laughter is also key for regulating social interactions, so why not use a funny story to your advantage? Personal anecdotes work great at parties, so why not try one on your ex?

Share a wacky or embarrassing story that’s happened to you recently and wait for the laughs to roll in. Remember not to incriminate yourself too much, this is still your ex we’re talking about.

#6 DON’T: Share your whole life story. Catching up with an ex can actually be enjoyable and may even bring a small amount of closure to you both. Just don’t confuse catching up with telling your ex every single thing you’ve been up to since you were last intertwined. Have a give and take conversation instead.

#7 DO: Talk about the current event you’re at. How do you know the bride or groom? What brings you to this bar? Who invited you to the party? All of these are perfectly cordial ways of making conversation with an ex at a social function.

Other event-related topics of conversation are: what do you think of the dress, how’s the food, did you come with friends, how long have you been here, and what did you bring as a gift? [Read: Tongue-tied? 35 brilliant conversation starters]

#8 DON’T: Mistake being funny with being rude. Want to joke about that whole cheating fiasco you experienced in your relationship or how you hope the bride and groom at this function end up happier than you two did? Ouch.

These may seem like funny ice-breakers in your head but said out loud they’re pretty rude. Watch that line between being funny and seeming like your breakup has festered in your brain for however long since you last saw each other. [Read: 16 signs your ex still wants you back in their life]

#9 DO: Pay attention to your body language. Learning how to make conversation with someone has a lot to do with body language. Smile, open up your posture, make eye contact, and make it evident that you listen when they speak. These gestures can be overthrown if you’re making conversation with your ex, and you’re trying not to throw your cocktail in their smug face.

So, what kind of message are you sending to your ex? Avoiding eye contact pretty much says if you could stomach looking in their eyes you may end up figuratively shooting daggers at them. Not friendly and definitely awkward.

There is a tricky balance if you’re trying to play it cool. First, you don’t want to seem cold and closed off since this could make them think you’re still bitter about the breakup. Second, you don’t want to be too touchy-feely, since they may think you’re looking for a round two romp! Unless, er, you are. Then go for it.

Best bet when talking to an ex? Laugh when appropriate, nod when they speak, and don’t cross your arms. Crossing your arms = bad and bitchy. [Read: 10 subtle body language moves to appear more confident]

#10 DON’T: Stay longer than you want to. Sure, talking to your ex at a social gathering is the mature thing to do, but don’t carry on the conversation longer than is comfortable to do so. Whether you got dumped or did the dumping, this person is still your ex for a reason and there’s no point in sticking around to reopen old wounds for the sake of being polite.

[Read: How to be friends with an ex without any complications]

Making conversation with an ex isn’t easy, but it doesn’t have to be stomach-churningly awkward either. Ask open-ended questions, veer away from your breakup, and you’ll be on your way to a scintillating conversation in no time. Or, maybe not.

The post How to Make Conversation with Your Ex: Avoid the Awkward Silence is the original content of LovePanky - Your Guide to Better Love and Relationships.