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#i literally cried over this today
groovyace · 5 months
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These two asks next to eachother in my inbox are sending me???? There are two wolves inside you 😭😭😭
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sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible
#trying to keep it together so bad because i already know the problems and solutions and whatnot but i cannot do anything#i desperately just need to do something. accomplish any task. actually several would be nice. but i cannot stand just letting life go by#while i watch other people have the things i want. or even metaphorically living my dream like. that should be me why am i settling for thi#i hate even talking about this because i feel so stupid when i know it's not even a real tangible problem and that i actually DO have real#problems to tackle and the ability to do so but i'm choosing to be upset over the stupidest things i could possibly be sad about#and i can't even be sad about it in a normal way i'm cycling through like several different reactions to smth that isn't even real#or if it is real i literally do not have tanglible evidence for it one way or another like i'm driving myself insane for no reason#i can't even get catharsis because all i'm doing is digging a deeper hole for something i never should've gone back into in the first place#because i KNOW how i am i KNOW how i react to things and i still chose to do it lmao.#and i continue to choose to go through this shit instead of actively trying to change my life because... i'm lazy? and stupid? idk#negative self-talk isn't gonna get me to do anything either so let's just say i'm feeling particularly unmotivated like usual#i hated being a teenager but i really do miss when all my problems just amounted to 'someone was mean to me on tumblr today :(' or i failed#a test in chemistry or something. like i yearn for that simplicity becasue at this point all i'm doing is ruining my own life LMAO#i'm too scared to live i'm too scared to die so i just sit here and fantasize that life could be amazing if i wait#and i'll magically get everything i've ever wanted if i just wait long enough. and i know it isn't true and i still wait for it to happen.#because honestly like. i think deep down i am just convinced i will fail at anything i do when that shouldn't be what scares me.#what scares me should be never even allowing myself to fail because i never tried to do anything at all with myself or my life#like. wake the fuck up. get off your ass and put in the effort. learn some skills. gain independence and stability and discipline and do it#just live please i'm begging you just live so i can be happy don't i deserve to be happy... why am i not letting myself be happy#i'm literally keeping myself trapped in this negative feedback loop ON PURPOSE because teehee shiny toy#and it doesn't matter if the love is real it doesn't matter how i feel like i'm just using it as a distraction i can't say it's motivation#because it's barely motivated me at all. i have to start being realistic. 25 & just realizing you actually have to participate in your life#anyways. i've cried i've agonized i've pictured killing myself in 30 different ways. i think the only way i'm gonna feel better is#to just actually try this time without giving up. wish me luck
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trkstrnd · 17 days
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you know what’s really funny is i have made such a name for myself around my college as the lone star kid that ppl who haven’t spoken to me in two years came up to me today to ask how i was doing broo
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frostios · 7 months
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(guy whos been drawing all day) man i wanna draw....
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number1girl · 1 month
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my boss is abusive like straight up <3 <3 <3 not even in a "donate to my gofundme to help me escape an abusive living situation and by that i mean my roommate asked me to do the dishes" type of way. like i am literally trapped in the cycle of build up explosive incident honeymoon phase
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thebirdandhersong · 1 month
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:')
Y'all it has been such a joyful and incredible week but today has just been. So much. Too many emotions too many people and three occasions in which I said something to a large group of people and received blank and distant and in some cases even judgmental stares back (perfectly valid things and questions and it was all to people I love, and i felt smaller and smaller as it happened again and again), not to mention feeling the pressure of being needed by two different friends and being unable to give anything to either due to having no capacity to give anything, and trying to figure out why I don't want to spend time with a childhood friend anymore while she keeps trying to maintain contact (and why her love feels smothering and burdensome, and feeling guilty because of how I feel and how quick I am to try to avoid talking to her), and feeling a great deal of body insecurity again very suddenly, and trying to come to terms with the fact that the boy HAS at least once approached my friend to talk to her, which he rarely does with any other girls, and has admitted to finding her attractive, and in the midst of sudden unexpected anguish wondering if this old pain will always always be with me long after I say goodbye
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nekoning · 1 year
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i talked to my friends about this already but just...thinking about how han muchun became the paternal figure that his disciples needed the most, how cheng qian didn't get to experience a normal childhood and had to grow up too fast because of his family's circumstances and how han muchun treated him with kindness and affection he hadn't known before, even spoiled him a little bit and that slowly made him let go of anger and resentment
and about how han yuan tried so hard to impress him at the start, because he wanted to prove he deserved being part of the sect and he was probably afraid that the man who had been the first to care for him after living a vagabond life would regret it
and that despite not knowing the details of why yan zhengming ran away from home, we can be sure that han muchun offered him something that his parents couldn't, something that all their money and luxuries couldn't buy
and how even though li yun's backstory is a mystery, we don't need to know it to know that it was thanks to han muchun that he found his home too
he was also the only father shuikeng ever knew and that even with a different appearance, she would recognize him because he's safety and family to her
just...how much his kindness changed their lives
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thompsborn · 8 months
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i know i’ve said that being able to do the stereotypical insane ao3 authors notes is fun and amusing to me but can the universe NOT take that as a challenge to add more shit to my list of things to add next time i post ???? like. fucking. Calm Down Please.
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lucky7i · 10 months
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#"despite everything that happened dee- and yknow the events falling upon you thats happened- i still consider you Bondi regardless if youre#“technically in the club or not so- i just hope wherever you go you remember that”#whata fuckinh emding i guess it could’ve been worse and i enjoyed the highs and downbad lows#icant with these emo shits and drama queens today i cried and laughed sm (cried more)#its always when i have things to do irl after and my eyes are like @@#time for a hot shower and sleep for 2 days now#war is over#< bro think he did something#wow what a journey#rip dukes n jess's gifti TT^TT shes with og vb tulip and paragone now the girls are home#I’m glad he went with the tutorial dee mentore ending leaving until someone needs him with some hints and not very closed ending >> sideeye#barrys such an emo himbo goldfosh lmao the literal ending it with a bang was hot and tragicsweet#hs last memory connection with dee Clueless#🖼️🃏#i loved every last convo that was had with people- the bad and good and the painful and healing#i wish there was one with tj tho ): he called him when he thought it was his last moments in prison god i love that phonecall#wait right ill take their little chat at the gas station ⍢ it was so sweet#chip fey and ed and collin & bbs convos#and he’s been and always will be bondoi gladge#him pulling lots of new pple on their feet for years then either they exceed to great things and move on and away from him#or the city eats them and he never see them again and in all cases he ends up alone again#^i daydreamed about him saying something like that to b im glad he did#the way b speaks to him and how the club spoke to him is fascinating i want to talk about it and analys it#god not me analysing literature years after collage#and i know she was scuffed lmao but coppa looked like she said goodbye to dee too before she got into the car and idc ill take that#the two that i'll miss sm more than anything with barrys story and 4.0 dee and coppa#i think the john thing's so funny especially the “gaslighting himself that dees name was johnathon the intire time” in mc lmao but#🤲🕯️🩸 reunion in aus 🙏 🩸 rekindling 🕯️🩸 max prison or petty crimes 📿🛐 that part revival 🤲🩸🛐 its right there hes righthere 🌀😵‍💫#dare i say the same dee with the same memories continues 4.0 with a new page and even closer with everyone 🚛 🏭 the copium overload#I also cant wait for more suffer and joy in 4.0 yippeee
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crisispider · 11 months
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I'm sorry I haven't really been around, my queue is getting ready to run out but real life is kicking me in the ass you know? I have the flu kicking my ass because life is.. rough and I haven't really eaten in 3 days so that isn't helping. So basically all this to say my brain is fried, and I don't get money till the second of november.. so until I'm able to get actual food in me and recover I probably won't really be around much, if at all.
So yeah anyways, consider this a little extra low activity warning?
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maretriarch · 10 months
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theres a daycare right underneath the eating disorder clinic and i do wonder what the children think when they see us on breaks clearly being shepherded by another adult
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anyways i’ve unfollowed literally everyone f1 related for peace of mind so now i only have snoopy of the day on my dash.
sorry if you were part of the purge but i do not want to see even the slightest mention of o*car or mcl*ren on my dash and filtering was not enough.
i will not be posting any f1 related content as well for the unforeseeable future so feel free to unfollow me as well ❤️
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warmspice · 1 year
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It's LITERALLY OCTOBER
#Oouuuuuuuuuiiiiiaaaagh#Saw someone cute today I'm soooo like#So. Like silly goofy I'm like ohhh they're looking at meeeee oh my goodness they're looking at me and I think they're cool#We should chatty taaaaaLk#But this was at a club meeting and I truly. I truly can't tell#If I'm just a bit self centered or if they're like INTERESTED#I'm soooo in soft mode today. This week. This life. Dude it's silly#I hope to see them again. Gonna make my friend who already wants to be friends with them... Let me third wheel 🤠😜🤗#I'm literally so quiet shy bad at talking it's awful. Like I'm sorry. But I'm just. Sooooo bad at talking about things. I don't remember#Anything ever how can I have opinions on songs or shows 😭 I don't even know their names 😭😭😭#But I am sooo full of observations and opinion even... Sometimes.. Sometimes.#I am literally so capable of being normal I just don't understand why it doesn't work out in certain settings. Cries#Anyways um.#IT'S OCTOBER LITERALLY WHO HAS AN OPEN HEART MIND AND ARMS LOL#Void talks#If you're in a club meeting and someone keeps looking over at you even though you're literally not saying anything. This means something?#Or you're just silly and they're surveying the room#Because after we were in a trio conversation n they kept looking over but I'm not sure if it was just to check if I was left out (which#Makes sense bc I could not contribute to the conversation meaningfully 🤧)#But even BEFORE? WHAT'S UR VIBE#Good at making eye contact maybe#I think I just like indulging in silly thoughts and entertaining myself#But also like. I feel like I'm being sooooo silly about it.#Melts.
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musiccokeandfrench · 2 months
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The media is tripping over a neurologist visiting the White House, and all I can think about is how I made out with the guy's son back in college
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hecksupremechips · 3 months
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My ass was trying so hard not to jump up and down with glee playing yttd with my sister and getting to the shin reveal I was like MY GUY MY FUNNY LAD MY SILLY RABBIT
#the klock keeps ticking#yttd#its like i cant get ahead of myself when talking about him cuz theres still a lot not revealed by the end of ch2 but STILLLL#i was keeping my opinions on characters pretty neutral this whole playthrough though my bias towards gin and kai was very apparent lol#and i did start screaming in agony reliving my worst nightmare joe dying#i dont think my sister was nearly as torn up about it as i was though like god ill still never get over it#the first time i played i actually gross sobbed like maybe i was just sleep deprived but i was inconsolable literally never cried that hard#but yeah we did the second main game today and i was like#‘not trying to persuade your vote but heres one million reasons why we should let shin live ahaha’#i dont think she was very happy with her vote aldnks#but yeah i really am gonna be sooo annoying next time we play im literally gonna bring pages of shin analysis with me that i can gush about#it is an interesting thing this character cuz to me like everything about him is so clear like even from the beginning i just didnt buy#the idea that he was genuinely an asshole i knew there had to have been something more going on#and idk if ive made it clear guys…but hes exactly like me guys hes just like me fr#his story hits so hard it feels like my own self insert which is weird cuz obviously thats not true#but like i feel like its either you get it or you dont and if you dont understand exactly what this character feels cuz you feel it yourself#i feel like so much of him just wont make any sense to you#maybe im just being pretentious idk but like if you cant relate to his abuse and just#very blatant bpd then I feel like youll just judge him on how good or badof a person he is#like it just doesnt feel like itd hit in the same way like when i see this character talking about being hopeless and the way his trauma#makes him act irrationally like god it just clicks so hard it makes so much sense and i can physically feel it through the screen#I MAY BE FERAL ABOUT THIS CHARACTER TO AN ABSURD DEGREE SHHH#basically what im getting at is i feel if i dont over explain everything about this character to other people i fear they just Wont Get It#and that they will be judgmental which idk i guess makes me defensive#anyway yeah i just enjoy getting to re experience the spiral this guy has given me and i will be thinking about it a lot tonight
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angelouvre · 6 months
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I cannot stop crying today because it was my favorite coworkers last day :(
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