#i literally had the worst nightmare of my life last night. just randomly

[roeverthemoon]

.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #362

(this is actually from yesterday but i never posted it and now i don’t feel like updating the answers, so yeah)

Have you ever been cheated on? No. Who’s car were you last in? My mom's. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? It's been pierced multiple times, but each time the hole closed after my piercings had to be taken out at the psych hospital. The final time though, it closed because the damn stud fell out in my sleep for the billionth time, I couldn't find it, and I let it close out of annoyance. Have your parents ever smoked pot? My dad has. Do you tend to make relationships complicated? I mean, I don't think so. I hope not. Are you good at giving directions? NO. Like, I can't. I would accidentally lead you to the middle of the ocean. Would your mom care if she found condoms in your room? She'd be confused as fuck because I live with her so she knows for sure I'm not seeing anyone. Did you speak to your father today? No. Did you kiss someone before you were sixteen? No, it was actually a month after turning 16. Could you go a day without eating? Nooo. I've said before and I'll say it again, I don't deal with abdominal pain well, so yeah. Are your nails always painted? They never are. Have you ever met any bands/band members before? No. What color is your hair? Boring 'ole brown. .-. Your best friend needed somewhere to stay, could they live with you? She absolutely could. I know Mom would welcome her without hesitation. Have you danced in the rain? No. When you said something naughty when you were little, did your parents wash out your tongue with soap? No, but it was threatened. What do you think of spanking little children when they do something wrong? Okay or not? No, it is absolutely not okay. You do not teach children through fear, ever, nor do you show children that it is ever okay to hit people when you're upset. Who was the last male you hung out with? Uhhh, I think Girt? I haven't truly hung out with a guy in a long time. Who is your favorite person to text? Sara. Who did you last take a picture with? My sister. What’s your favorite brand of jeans? I don't have one. Which show is better: Spongebob or The Fairly Odd Parents? The latter. Both can be funny, but Cosmo cracks me up. Has anyone ever told you that you looked like someone else? I actually think the only time I was ever compared to someone else (make-believe, at that) was when I dressed up for Halloween one year and a friend told me I looked like Eileen Galvin from Silent Hill 4: The Room. Do you enjoy the sound of crickets at night and birds in the morning? Yesssss. Who is the most overrated singer? Idk, I don't even know who's "in" right now. What is your favourite planet? Saturn. Do you have any pets that you had since you were born? No. Do you own anything that you had when you were a baby? Yes, stored away. Do you enjoy Mario games? Mario Kart is fun, but otherwise I'm not a massive fan. What’s your favorite online game? World of Warcraft. Have you ever been hit with a ball in gym class? I think so. I was always terrified of the days we got to play dodgeball or whatever, like that shit hurts. Do you ever turn your cell phone off? No. Who was last to cook for you? My ma. Do you check your texts right away when you receive them? Usually. Who is your most trusted person? My mom, probably. How late did you stay up last night? God, I don't even know. Last night was my sleep study, and I was so uncomfortable in that bed that I slept maybe only an hour or two. Hell, or less. I also couldn't sleep on my stomach, which really didn't help because that's always how I sleep. I'm exhausted now and have such a headache. When/where are you most likely to sing? In the car, I guess. I very rarely sing anywhere. Would you ever wish to explore a cave? FUCK YES. You see the person you fell hardest for. What do you do? Panic like a motherfucker internally, avoid eye contact, and try to evade him (not like he'd actually pursue me) without being too obvious. Have you been/are you depressed? Both. Are your pop-ups blocked on your computer? Yes. Have you ever ridden in a car with someone who was high? Yes, because I was afraid to tell her I didn't want. Thank fuck we got home safe. I was absolutely, positively terrified we'd be pulled over. Who is the best hugger you know? Ha, actually the person I just mentioned. Have you ever had to be put to sleep for an operation? Yes. Does anybody have any proof of stupid things you have done? Oh, Facebook comments... Why did you text the last person in your inbox? I was replying to my mom. Have you ever been able to do a split? No. Did you ever date the last person you kissed? Yes. Are you intimidated by the last person you know talked badly about you? She doesn't "intimidate" me, no. She just gets on my last goddamn nerve every time she opens her mouth. Have you ever cried in school? Yes. Last person of the opposite sex you screamed at? I've never screamed at a guy because I'm afraid of them. I've sobbed at Jason, so like my voice was raised, but it definitely wasn't screaming. Do you have any weird sleep habits? Well, speaking of screaming, my nightmares have me shrieking in the middle of most nights. I also talk in my sleep like, a lot. Do you consider yourself an emotional person? Very. When was the last time you had a headache? This morning, I'm sure because of how shitty I slept. When was the last time you encountered a puppy? Prepare for a rant... We have one right now, even though our landlord told us specifically no puppies because of all the housetraining they require. My mom has been wanting a dog, and Tobey finally agreed to it, and she's been looking for a while. So my sister Ashley randomly shows up with a stray puppy a friend was keeping, terrified and LOADED with ticks, and she's reminding Mom and I why we DON'T WANT A PUPPY. She's peeing everywhere BUT outside (specifically on a stupid fucking expensive carpet that Tobey will have a cow over just ONE stain), is terrorizing my cat, and has an overwhelming amount of energy. Ashley specifically told me that if Mom doesn't let Ash know, I needed to tell her if the puppy was stressing Mom out, "because this isn't supposed to be a stressful experience for her." Well, she's been sobbing again and again and I literally just came back mid-question from comforting her because she broke down so hard she could barely breathe because now she had diarrhea on the fucking carpet. Ashley's all bitchy now about it for no apparent or even remotely valid reason, and by God do I want to cuss her the fuck out over this bull she brought on. Safe to say we're not keeping the dog, but not quickly enough. When Mom hurts, I hurt, and I am so goddamn furious. Is there anything that happened a long time ago that you still laugh about? Yeah, a number of things. Do you ever try to interpret your dreams? No, given I don't believe most have any meaning. It's brain word vomit, lol. What was the last thing you bought impulsively? I don't have the income for impulse purchases. When I get money, what I'm after is well-planned. How do you feel about singing songs out loud in front of other people? I don't, usually. I'm very self-conscious about it. When was the last time you were feeling really, really nervous? That nervous, I'm unsure. I've been nervous, sure, but I haven't had a massive anxiety episode in a while. If you’re no longer in school, what is something you miss about it? If you’re still in school, what’s something you think you’re going to miss about it? I miss feeling productive and like I was going at least somewhere. Do you use your turn signals when you’re driving? Yes; I hate when people don't. How exactly are you feeling right now? Mad at my sister. Have you ever had to board up your windows because of a hurricane? No. Do you tell anyone to chew with their mouths closed? No, to avoid "confrontation" that is too negligible to even quality as conflict. I'm just a lil bitch when it comes to stuff like this. Have you ever ordered pizza and sent it to someone else’s house? No. What was the first thing you drank when you woke up this morning? My nurse or whatever her position is (I don't mean that dismissively, I genuinely don't know her title) brought me some orange juice. Do you think stretch marks from having a baby are ugly or badges of honor? Oh my god, fuck off. Anyone who can carry a child for nine months and then endure what I assume is the worst pain (usually) survivable has every ounce of my goddamn respect. The natural result of making room for a like 6+ lb. human being is not "ugly." It's a part of life and to me shows an incredible amount of bravery and love to be willing to go through something I could absolutely never. Ever done a keg stand? Haha, no. My dizzy ass will pass. Who is the last person you lent money to? My mom. Do you share clothing with anyone? Mom and I will share bras or pants sometimes. Have you ever visited anyone in a rehab? No. Was the last thing you drank a Coke or Pepsi product? No, I have lemonade right now. Honestly, do you think that you’re going to be an overprotective parent? IF I wanted to be a parent, I feel like I definitely would be. Not like... overbearing, but still extremely protective in cases I think it's called for. What was the last kind of chips you ate? Veggie chips yesterday, actually. They're honestly not that good, but it's a doable snack with salsa. What is one thing that you really wish you could understand, but don’t? Economics. I dread taking care of my own money because idk what the fuck to do with taxes and such. What is the last thing you charged? My phone. Have you ever held a snake? I've held plenty of snakes, I love them.

[bookshelfdreams]

(Part 2 to this; morning after)

You wake up with the all-too familiar feeling of having received a thorough ass-kicking the day before. Everything hurts. Your head aches, your shoulder is a nightmare and your ribs are not ready to do anything more drastic than lie in bed all day. You feel stiff and sore all over, and that is before you open your eyes and realize that you are not home. Right. Solaris. You came to him and he helped you, for whatever reason.

You sit up, slowly. You still feel a little dizzy, but not nearly as much as last night. Getting up is still a challenge, your left arm is mostly useless, which throws off your balance. But once you stand it isn't so bad, and you make it to the hallway in one piece. You find the bathroom on the first try – all the doors are open. So it wasn't a trust thing. You refuse to feel guilty for your thoughts from last night.

Once you are inside you close the door and lock it. As much as you appreciate Solaris' help you do not want him to know the full extend of your injuries. He's seen the worst of it already, he does not need to know how weak you truly are.

Your face is not as bad as you expected. There's an impressive bruise forming on the right side of your forehead, centred around a cut that disappears into your hairline. You have bled all over yourself, but Solaris cleaned away the worst of it last night. There's still some blood clinging to your eyebrows and of course your hair is a nightmare but that will have to wait until you can find some place to shower.

You pull up your shirt enough to inspect your ribs. Faint blue bruises spread over the right side that will become a lot more colourful over the next few days. You take a breath. Ouch. They are reasonably solid when you feel them tough, and you decide to believe there is nothing broken.

Bruises and scrapes on your arms and the unmistakable marks of too-tight handcuffs around your wrists. Those will fade fast, hopefully.

You do not check your legs. You know there will be more bruises, but you walked across the whole city yesterday and if something had been seriously wrong you would not have been able to do that, so you leave it.

When you come back out, Solaris is just coming down the stairs.

“Oh”, he sounds genuinely surprised. “You're still here.”

“Um.” This is awkward. “Yeah, I'll be out of your hair in a minute, but there's-”

“No, no!” Is that a – is he smiling? Genuinely smiling, at you, a villain (or Rogue, he’d probably prefer that), standing barefoot in his hallway. “I thought you would have left in the night, but – I kinda hoped you wouldn't.” And yeah, definitely smiling, a little awkwardly. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I got beat up and then slept on a couch”, you say, because why not be honest.

And Solaris. Chuckles. Like you made a joke.

Unbelievable.

The dude will find a villain bleeding on his doorstep, bandage their wounds and befriend them in the morning.

You can’t deal with this. There are more important things to talk about, anyway.

“You know, I didn't just randomly get my ass kicked last night.”

Solaris looks at you, thoughtful now, the smile vanished from his face.

“You wanna tell me what happened?”

“Yesterday”, you start. “In the morning – well, it was still night, really. A bunch of people broke into my place. I thought they were your boys, at first.”

Now it's Solaris' turn to raise an eyebrow. “My boys?”

“Police. Special forces, whatever – thought you'd finally done the strategic thing, tried to smoke me out.” Literally. You had woken up choking on smoke. There had been a fire in the stairway. You put it out, sucking the oxygen right out of it, dispelled the smoke. Your neighbours weren't hurt, but that hadn't been the intention of the arsonists anyway. All they had wanted was for you to reveal yourself.

“Wasn't the case, obviously. There were – I don't know, maybe 5? They wore all black, body armour, helmets, the whole thing, but no uniforms, you know? Had their faces covered, as well. They tried to take me in.” They had come at you from behind, as you were still trying to cough the smoke out of your lungs, stunned you, beat your head against the floor. Kicked you a bit, for good measure. Pretty effective, you have to admit. Your powers require you to concentrate and giving you a concussion is a good way to prevent that.

“How did you get away?” Solaris asks, disbelief in his voice. Fair. You knew you could hardly expect him to trust you, not when he is an Official, a hero. In his world, as long as you stay on the right side of the law, nothing bad happens to you, and human rights are a thing that exists.

“They used normal handcuffs on me.” You smile a little. “Their van had standard issue locks as well.” Telekinesis is your power, which they must have known. You have no idea why they would have been so stupid. Did they think hitting you over the head would leave you unable to pick a lock? Please. This trick was one of the first you learned, you could do it with your eyes closed, half asleep, bleeding out.

“And they just let you walk out?”

“They didn't expect me to get free. I jumped out.” Luckily the van hadn't been that fast. Luckily you had fallen asleep on the couch, still dressed. Luckily you had thrown on your leather jacket before running outside to deal with the fire.

“You jumped out of a moving vehicle?”

You shrug, one-sided. “Wasn't fun, but there also wasn't anything else I could have done.”

Solaris just looks at you, with an expression that borders on horrified. “And they didn't come after you?”

“I jammed their gas. Locked the doors.” You can't help a smirk. “Bet it took them a while to get the thing to stop.” You decide to wrap this up quick. “I hid during the day, waited for dark. I knew they'd be looking for me, so I couldn't go to any of my usual places. I didn't-” you manage to stop yourself. I didn't want to put anyone in danger. “Anyway, I thought they'd never suspect me coming to you. Whoever they are.” Also, Solaris can take care of himself. He would have probably beat the guys to a pulp, plus if he disappears there are going to be questions.

“So yeah. I don't know who they belong to, or what they wanted from me, but I though you should know anyway. Doubt they'd be after you, but I can't be sure what they want with – you know. Specials.” The word almost makes you shudder. Yikes.

“Wait, you said they weren't law enforcement?”

You shake your head. Say about cops what you will but they would probably not set fire to a house full of civilians.

“And they basically tried to abduct you?”

“Basically.”

“And you think they are after people with powers?”

You flinch. That's even worse. But, “Yeah.”

Solaris takes a breath. “That's a lot to take in. I need some coffee. You want to stay for breakfast?”

And right. Sure. Why the fuck would you not want breakfast with your nemesis.

“So”, Solaris says after you sat down and you learned that he takes his coffee black, because of course he does. There's toast and you are trying really hard to restrain yourself and not eat the whole loaf. “These – people. Any idea what they were? Who they work for? What they wanted?”

You swallow. Another one-sided shrug. “Don't know. But...”

He looks at you expectantly. “But?”

You sigh. How could you explain this to him. “Sometimes people disappear. Kids, mostly. I'm sure you know that. And sometimes they are found. Mostly it's just parents having messy divorces, right? But sometimes...not. Sometimes someone will just not come home from school. Or be taken into foster care, never to be seen again. And they usually aren't the kind of families where cops put a lot of effort into the investigation, you know?”

To your surprise, Solaris nods. “I have – heard about that.”

“Right. Well, usually this doesn't happen to adults, because we know what we are capable of, and many of us have jobs and shit. We can defend ourselves. But recently, there were some weird things going on.”

“Like what?”

“Like people feeling like they were being followed. I know some people who I haven't heard from in a while, mostly homeless. You know.”

“You think someone tried to take you – for what?”

You shrug again. Truth is, you don't really want to think about it, just like you do not want to think about what might happen to children in white rooms.

“There have always been people who wanted to find out what makes us tick, right? What makes it so some people can do things others can't.”

Solaris nods. “I heard that there were efforts to develop a prenatal test for powers.” He glances down at his plate, thoughtful. “And there's the military testing, too.”

“You know about that?”

Now he looks back at you. “Of course. I'm not an idiot. How do you think-” he cuts himself off, but you might have an idea what he'd wanted to say. Huh. Interesting, you think and file that information away for later.

“Anyway. Not to be cocky but I'd be a pretty good catch, wouldn't I? Nobody is gonna ask too many questions if I disappear.”

“Your powers are strong. Useful.” Solaris looks at you with an expression you cannot quite decipher. “People would notice if you were gone though.”

“Maybe, but what's another dead villain? Mostly, people would just be glad I was no longer around to make their life more complicated.” You take a sip of your coffee. It's gone cold, but you drink it anyway.

“Whatever. Just thought you should know. If they are going after someone like me...well. Don't know who else might get on their radar. Maybe keep your eyes open?” You get up. Leaving the dishes for Solaris to deal with is okay, you decide. You are a villain, after all. There's a limit to how domestic you get with a hero and that limit is reached.

“Of course. Thank you.”

“No.” You turn around to look at him proper, one last time. The next time you will see each other, he's gonna be in uniform again. “Thank you. Truly. For everything. You didn't – have to do that.”

“I'm glad you came to me”, he says, and you might just believe he's actually genuine about it. “I'm glad you – you knew I'm not the kind of person who would turn you away.”

I didn't, you want to say, but you know it would just be to hurt his feelings. So you don't. He doesn't deserve that. You smile at him, say “See you on the streets”, and out you go.

The street is empty. You were right about one thing: They did not expect you to come here. You still hurt all over, but you feel more like yourself than you did last night. You start walking as casually and inconspicuous as someone with an arm strapped to their chest and blood in their hair can. There's a small park nearby, the kind that is mostly a public dog toilet, with a few trees, a path, a sandbox. You make sure nobody watches you before you disappear.

[timerogued]

JACK’S MENTAL HEALTH.  

TW  for  mental  health,  depression,  anxiety,  suicidal  thoughts,  the  lot.

jack’s official and clinical diagnosis were not completed until he was around the age of 24 but has suffered from the symptoms of his illnesses for as long as he can remember. his diagnosis was done professionally first by counsellors at his workplace, then by a doctor, and finally by a clinical psychologist. in his official notes jack is described as high functioning which comes into play a lot - this will be talked about a little bit later on.

his diagnosis are: clinical depression, anxiety (generalised and minor social anxiety), and minor psychosis. with reference to his psychosis, he has not had it checked out or determined as much as the other two so his counsellors are unsure if his psychosis is there because of his depression (which can develop if not treated correctly) or because of other underlying causes - aka. because of everything he has seen playing around in his mind and developing the psychosis on its own. ( psychosis can develop on its own but is more common under depression ).

DISCLAIMER: DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, AND PSYCHOSIS AFFECTS EVERYONE IN DIFFERENT WAYS. I WILL BE EXPLAINING / EXPLORING JACK’S MENTAL HEALTH THROUGH MY OWN EXPERIENCES, MY OWN DIAGNOSIS, &. RESEARCH OF THESE CONDITIONS.

DEPRESSION: the main symptoms that jack suffers with are bad self-esteem, constant manic-to-depressive episodes, lack of motivation, suicidal thoughts / suicidal tendencies, being irritable / sensory overload (which falls into his anxiety too), a lack of appetite, and a disturbance of sleep.

SELF ESTEEM: this does not just focus on appearance but also extends to having bad self-esteem about everything he does. jack can often be heard mumbling “i can’t do this” to himself and can slip through in conversation if his anxiety about something is high - and can be about absolutely anything. depending on how bad his days are he can feel like this about minimal things - ie getting changed, making food. if he drops a glass of water this can set him off because “fuck, i can’t even do this right!” it can also mean he has pre-thoughts about doing something. he’ll expect the absolute lowest of outcomes when doing work, food, anything.

on top of this he’ll often apologise for anything. remarks of “i’m sorry it’s not great”, “sorry i’m like this”, “sorry for being a downer all the time” with no prior conversation on the matter. this leads to an eager / want to please his peers and often doesn’t realise he’s doing it.

his self-esteem about his appearance does not affect him as much as it used to but small things still linger. when looking at a mirror he’ll often just stand in silence at his reflection - analysing everything about his face, an acceptance that he’s “alright looking” and will follow with a defeated sigh. however, he’s learnt to control himself from doing this and so-often will say a compliment to himself.

jack has learnt to almost deal with most of his problems. it’s not an acceptance or change about them but deals and carries on his life feeling like shit. he can often feel uncomfortable when in public or even at home when wearing the wrong type of clothes. ( self-esteem about his face includes the shape and the fact he always has dark circles around his eyes. he’s more inclined to hate his body - including his scars and the fact that he’s not exactly “in-shape”. again, he’s learnt to deal with this ).

to carry on with being uncomfortable, jack can be very hit and miss about compliments. someone has to be persistent for him to “accept” what they’re saying, but too many can draw too much attention to him and can make him extremely uncomfortable. if you want to compliment jack, don’t be too forward but be soft. he’s more likely to say thank you about it!

MANIC TO DEPRESSIVE EPISODES: when jack is manic he’s still depressed but takes a twist on it all; there’s laughter and jokes about what he’s suffering with. during these episodes he’s more likely to be accepting that his mental health is being ridiculous but will often follow them with a shrug. eg. “hey i feel like i want to die but whatever who doesn’t anymore lol”. this can cause adverse reactions on those around him - you are more than welcome to call him out and tell him it’s making you / the muse uncomfortable.

but be warned: once he comes out of his manic state it’s straight back into being depressed - but it shoves him right down to the bottom. he will mentally “beat himself” up for what he has said / done during these. this is a period when his low and irritable mood will be at full effect. this does not happen every day and he will tell when he feels like it’s about to happen.

MOTIVATION: there will be days / weeks at a time where jack will have minimal motivation. he will still do things due to him being “high functioning”. high functioning is defined as suffering with these issues and feeling the full effect of them, but still be able to go about their day. with jack, this affects him in the way of: he’ll still do things he needs to but gets little to no satisfaction from completing the tasks.

SUICIDAL THOUGHTS / TENDENCIES: he likes to believe he’s past his suicidal thoughts but during bad nights they will come flooding back. he does not act on them. suicidal tendencies come through with a lack of self-care: crossing roads without looking, looking for rushes that could potentially kill him, a willing to sacrifice himself without a second thought.

sometimes he can be irritable and suffer with sensory overload - this means he can often come across as nasty but he won’t act on it. he’ll probably just warn you that he’s not feeling great and any anger that comes from him is because of that. he will never take anything out on another person.

APPETITE: he has very little. he’ll eat one to two meals a day with occasional small snacks if necessary. he can and will go days without eating because he just doesn’t feel hungry or, due to a lack of motivation, can’t be bothered.

disturbed sleep and insomnia come under the psychosis diagnosis more than the depression but he has no average sleep. sometimes he’ll be out for an entire day, other times he’ll have breaks of being asleep, but more often than not he’ll find himself up until the early hours of the morning and surviving on 3 or 4 hours - then sometimes not sleeping at all.

PSYCHOSIS:  this can be determined as its own diagnosis or as an episode. jack’s still hasn’t been completely determined. an episode can be anything from only suffering with it once, to consistent suffering that could last years. psychosis has been defined as a “lower schizophrenia” and medically has been linked to the eventual development of the condition - however that is not all cases. jack suffers with: hallucinations, paranoia, and confused disturbed thoughts / speech.

HALLUCINATIONS: jack’s hallucinations are limited to shadows / silhouettes of objects or people and can often be seen as things rushing past him. hallucinations can include hearing voices that are not there which jack also suffers with. these voices used to affect him more but after much training and accepting that the voices aren’t there, he’s getting used to them. a big thing about jack’s hallucinations is knowing that they’re part of his mental health issues which grounds him big time. this does not stop them from happening and on certain days could affect him more by causing them to be more realistic or the belief that they’re there to hurt him.

DISTURBED SPEECH & THOUGHTS: disturbed speech and thoughts is when someone will switch topics during conversations or lose their train of thought during a conversation and can bring it to an abrupt pause. jack does both of these. as with everything else, it’s something he’s learning to control, but during bad episodes (manic, depressed and even affecting with his anxiety) it could appear more frequently. how to know when jack does this is that he’ll often say “uhh where was i going with this” or “shit. what was i gonna say?” literal seconds after knowing. he will give absolute no warning when switching topics. he cannot help this.

his depression / psychosis can be affected by the change in seasons. this is called seasonal affective disorder (abb. sad). his psychosis is worse at night which results in him not sleeping and will lead to extreme paranoia when he’s out in the dark. things he will be paranoid about is seeing people / shadows around him and thinking that they’re out to get him. when he’s in bed he can often see these faces come right up to him and he believes if he doesn’t wake up in time they’ll get him. there’s always the anxiety that something is behind him. behaviours he’s picked up from this is anything from double-checking an area he knows is safe, a build-up of anxiety around opening doors, and having to close windows / curtains at night for the fear that he will see something ( he often does ). this can cause nightmares and they can become very visual due to everything he’s seen from work / the streets / his mutant ability.

ANXIETY:  anxiety disorders can be different for everyone and can randomly be triggered. for most people anxiety can be physically and mentally draining which untreated can develop into anxiety and depression. to jack, this is his worst disorder that he suffers with because he can’t deal with the symptoms. there are two aspects of an anxiety disorder: the physical symptoms ( panic attacks etc ) and the mental symptoms. jack mostly suffers with the physical aspects but can feel the full mental side of them too. due to his anxiety being untreated for a long period of time he also suffers from minor social anxiety.

PHYSICAL ASPECT OF ANXIETY: jack feels like he’s always full of energy. this energy can come from excitement or happiness but can quickly turn into a panic attack if untrained. people can often find it difficult to separate anxiety attacks from genuine excitement ( i suffer largely from this ). this causes him to be restless and hyper-fixated on things going wrong around him. time can seem to slow down and during panic / anxiety attacks he feels like there’s focus on him and him alone. this will stop him from doing anything.

this can trigger for no reason. there will be random worry about anything - but it is more likely to happen when in a social situation. jack does not take medication for his anxiety (or anything) but drinks to “calm his nerves” before doing certain things. he is not reliant on alcohol. however, this can affect his depression the next day and turn into an endless cycle.

his panic attacks start with a twist-feel in his stomach before becoming restless in his legs and arms - usually shaking. this then turns to his breathing which becomes rapid and difficult to control, which then leads to his heart beating uncontrollably - when your chest hurts during a panic attack this is usually the reason. ( panic attacks can be confused with heart attacks - that is how serious the feeling can be ). these can last from a few seconds to at least 10 minutes. after a panic / anxiety attack jack will be very much on edge and anything could cause another. he can have up to 10 a day.

MENTAL ASPECT OF ANXIETY: having the boundless energy locked inside of you can cause extreme mental issues. it’s exhausting. anxiety can cause different reactions in different people, some can get angry, others upset. jack gets upset and will cry. this then makes him feel awful for the rest of the day. he’ll get migraines which in turn can make him more exhausted and his depression can be worse as a result of that. after an episode of panic jack will be extremely vulnerable depending on the situation. as he’s got older he’s been able to have one and go “okay that was an inconvenience. anyway” and continue on; this may not happen all the time.

he’ll often feel like a failure for having them, which in turn feeds his self-esteem and so the cycle continues on.

SENSORY OVERLOAD: sensory overload occurs when one or more of the body's senses experiences over-stimulation from the environment. it is more common with people who suffer anxiety and autism - however i can only speak for the anxiety side of it. bright lights, loud noises, they’re part of sensory processing issues that can be a key part in one’s anxiety. my own personal sensory processing condition means i cannot look at certain lights without me triggering an anxiety attack and if in the facility of a loud noise i will have an anxiety breakdown. jack also suffers with this but not to a high extent. loud noises can set off his anxiety but will not push him into an anxiety attack. however, constant subjection to them can have a serious impact on his mental health.

HIS MUTANT ABILITY: the sensation he has after activating his power is extremely similar to a panic / anxiety attack, and could actually trigger one if he is not focussing properly. during times of extreme anxiety it can set his mutation off and could send him somewhere in time he doesn’t want to be and if he doesn’t calm down - he might get stuck there for a while.

jack has seen many things with his mutation; whether it be for his job or normally, he’s seen a lot of death and has seen things happen that he cannot stop from happening. this can, and has done, trigger a mass depressive episode if bad enough.

sometimes his anxiety can work in his favour. jack is terrified of arriving late, doing something wrong, not submitting things on time - this does mean that he’ll be up to 15 minutes early before things, submitting things hours before they’re due, and making sure that everything he is doing is right (don’t get me wrong, this also affects him because if it’s not perfect then i can’t do anything right - feeding back into his self-esteem). in his own words: “hey it may cause me to have a mental breakdown but at least i did what i needed to!”

jack will see his mental illnesses in a humorous light and is extremely open about them. he’ll make / share jokes about what he suffers with - this can lead to suicide jokes so if you’re uncomfortable, tell him. he believes if he can’t make a joke about this then he’s not really moving on / accepting what he suffers with and ultimately can defeat him and is why he’ll make light of a situation ( even if it is inappropriate. because he’s an idiot ).

[rt8815]

OC Ask Game

I was tagged by the amazing @illegalcerebral

I put a Keep Reading link because this is looong.

1) Name (and why you chose it if you like) McKinley Campbell Durand. I named her after McKinley Morganfield, better known as Muddy Waters. However, the “in universe?” reason that will be given - which I haven’t written yet - is that McKinley and Campbell are family names from a few generations back.

Campbell comes from the Gaelic words for ‘crooked’ and ‘mouth.’ I just like the name. Here’s a post (that I had to rewrite because Tumblr’s a dick and wouldn’t let me edit the typos in the original. The rewrite had typos too! Blargh!) that discusses her first and last names. I thought it would be funny for her full name to consist solely of last names.

2) Fandom and how they fit into the story Criminal Minds. She works at a D.C. museum practically around the corner from the J. Edgar Hoover building (as indicated in “Let It Bleed”). That’s a tiny hint that it’s the National Museum of African American History & Culture, but I don’t think I’ll mention it very often, if for no other reason than I’ve never been to the NMAAHC and don’t want to describe it inaccurately.

The official story is that Spencer and McKinley met at the museum (again, in “Let It Bleed,” which is probably the least favorite thing of mine that I’ve written). However, they’d met once before, and texted a few times after that. Because my brain is all over the place, and because I’m telling the story in non-chronological order, I haven’t written their first meeting yet. The only details I’ve revealed thus far are that it was nighttime in a park, McKinley caught Spencer off guard and made him fall to the ground, and whatever they talked about set Spencer straight and lifted his spirits. Also, a swingset was involved. Beyond that, I’ve inserted McKinley into the plotlines and events of the show, with necessary alterations, and there’s a ton of domestic Spencer and off-duty team stuffs.

3) Do they have any family? Biological family: daughter Sophie and son Jason; her Mom (no name yet); maternal grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins; and her estranged father (no name yet). Chosen/found family: husband Spencer; the BAU.

4) As a child, what did they want to be when they grew up? When she was a toddler, McKinley wanted to be a pediatrician (a doctor just for kids?! Cool!) or an ophthalmologist (she’s worn glasses practically her whole life). As an older child she aspired to be an entomologist or herpetologist. In her teenage years she considered a career in forensic pathology or criminal psychology. While earning her BA in English, she discovered that Public History was her true calling.

5) Their greatest dream To be a good Mom. To inspire learning in others.

6) Their worst nightmare Losing her family; having to see her father again.

7) Strengths Empathy, insight/self awareness, forgiving nature but knowing when to cut her losses

8) Weaknesses McKinley struggles with imposter syndrome.

She can be very mean. I mean, downright nasty cruel, verbally. This is rare though because, and I’m paraphrasing a future bit of dialogue here, anyone whose behavior could arguably warrant such a response is beneath her notice and not worth the effort. She’s more likely to close the door on someone. When she’s removed a person from her life, she is done. They become literally nothing to her. McKinley will rightly claim that this is about self-preservation and boundaries, but she really takes it to the next level.

9) What would they chose between: morning and night, sweet and savoury, beaches or meadows, cities or countryside, winter or summer, Christmas or Halloween (sorry, Spencer!), movies or TV shows, action or rom-com, clowns or vampires, stars or the moon (both!), cocktails or pints [Neither. McKinley doesn’t care for cocktails or beer. Scotch, brandy, rum, and dry wines are her poisons. She’s been known to add Kahlúah to vanilla ice cream, Baileys Irish Cream to coffee (she wants to try Drambuie next), or make hot toddies when she has a cold (obviously not mixing any alcohol with any medicine)]

10) How do they relax? Reading, or having Spencer read to her; knitting; listening to her records or playing her guitar; exercising with Boogie so she’s exhausted enough to sleep that night; baking and cooking

11) What makes them angry? Injustice, apathy/indifference, ableism, willful ignorance

12) What makes them afraid? The awful things she’d possibly do under duress; her family getting hurt or worse; spiders and other bugs that bite and/or sting

13) What is a moment from their childhood that has shaped who they are? It’s not a single event, but growing up with an abusive parent has certainly had a lifelong impact on McKinley. You’ve heard the expression “once bitten, twice shy?” She’s “once bitten, there’s no twice because you no longer exist.” She’s working on that. It’s also cultivated empathy, though, and is part of the reason she volunteers in the hospital’s rehab wing.

14) Do they have a sense of humour? Intellectual humor, pop culture references, puns/Dad jokes, science jokes. Sometimes morbid.

15) What do they value in their friends/loved ones? Honesty and empathy

16) Do they have any pets? An Aussie Collie/Border Aussie named Boogie-Woogie. He’s her first child.

17) Worst memory? Probably the day Meadows shot her and she thought she’d never see Spencer and Penny again.

18) Best memory? The days Sophie and Jason were born. Minus, y’know, the agonizing pain of labor and delivery.

19) Do they have any tattoos? (If no would they get one?) Nope and nope

20) If you could write them into another fandom, which one would you choose? If I knew the MCU better, I’d love to write her in as a Stark Tower employee! She’d be an anthropologist and would study alien societies the Avengers and S.H.I.E.L.D. have encountered. She’d naturally be drawn to Loki, initially in a professional capacity (they quickly discover they relate to each other on a personal level as well).

He’d first find her annoying: “Why are you pestering me, Mortal? Surely you’d rather interview my oaf of a brother?”

“No, not even remotely. He only ever wants to discuss battles he’s won. There’s so much more to Asgard and the other realms than that. I want - I need - to learn your literature, your science, your culture and history. You’re well versed in all of these subjects and you’re an excellent teacher.”

He stares at her impassively over his mug of tea, but his heart - that Judas of an organ - flutters slightly at the compliment. And how can he say no to a fellow scholar?

“I prefer your company to Thor’s too. You have this calming presence. Thor’s sweet but he’s also obnoxiously loud and brash and he always hugs me even though I keep telling him I don’t like it. And he’s constantly swinging his hammer around, which makes me think he’s overcompensating for something.”

Loki nearly chokes on his tea. Yes, this mortal is considerably more tolerable than others.

“Very well. Friday evenings at 6:00, my chambers. Arrive late and suffer my wrath.”

From that day forward, whenever Thor tries to hug her, he gets mildly electrocuted.

Did I accidentally sorta kinda write a drabble? Would anyone be interested in making this a collab? That’s what they’re called, right? (Can you tell I’ve given this some thought? Haha! I have even more details in my head.)

21) Do they like their job? (What else would they do if they could?) She loves it! Hmmm, what else…? A librarian maybe. Or animate and produce an educational cartoon series.

22) What is their sexuality? Demisexual

23) Do they believe in love at first sight? Soulmates? One true love? McKinley believes in “seeing the potential for a good relationship at first conversation.”

Yes, although she feels that term has become overused and poorly redefined.

People can find love again after it’s been lost.

24) What music do they listen to? Has that changed over time? I actually recently answered an ask about this. Yes, she grew up on what passed for country in the ‘90s. God help her, she had a boyband phase in junior high.

25) Can they cook? What food do they love? McKinley does pretty well in the kitchen. She loves a wide variety of food. She grew up in the south, so tons of carbs/comfort foods. She loves Thai, Japanese, and Indian food. She cooks up Middle Earth-inspired dishes (ha! nerd). She’s especially proud of a seed cake she bakes.

26) What are their hopes for the future? For her family to be healthy, safe and happy. To be debt free.

27) How do they react to being threatened? It’s a coin flip. McKinley might curl up like an armadillo and hope the predator gets bored and leaves, or she might kick the stool out from under them and cause their chin to slam into the bar and crack several teeth.

28) What is their love language? McKinley and Spencer both exhibit the Acts of Service love language, because just saying “I love you” isn’t enough. You ought to show it. She’ll randomly bake doughnuts for Spencer or play guitar for him in bed, and he’ll take care of laundry, dishes, and any other chores he sees need doing.

Quality Time is important for them too. Once a month, Luke and Penny babysit so Spencer and McKinley have a day alone together. It doesn’t really matter what they do. The point is it’s just them.

It caught McKinley by surprise how much she enjoys physical affection, given that she can be touch averse but holy moly she was more touch starved than she realized. She lives for snuggles and makeout sessions and playing with each others’ hair. When one of them doesn’t want to be touched, they hook their pinkies together.

29) What do they find most challenging in relationships? At work? In general? At work she struggles to gain her colleagues’ respect (think “Boy Genius” treatment except she has lady bits). In general, she struggles with trusting people.

30) What do you as a creator love best about writing this character? Giving her everything I wish I had but don’t.

Bonus: Include a link to your favourite work with this OC or write a small drabble.

October 12, 2021

Warm sunlight filtered through the curtains, gently rousing Spencer from a pleasant sleep. Just when he’d decided to get up, he felt the mattress dip behind him and his wife’s breath fanning over his ear.

“Who’s the birthday boy?” whispered McKinley.

Spencer smiled softly but feigned being asleep.

“Who’s the birthdaaay boooy?” she repeated, bouncing slightly.

“The good-looking guy to your left?”

“Happy Birthday!” she laughed, pressing kisses along his neck, suddenly shifting the mood from playful to sexy.

“Would the birthday boy like his birthday present?” she asked as she lifted the covers.

“Well, look at that - it’s already unwrapped!”

[tawmlinsun]

today is august 10th, which means it’s the one year anniversary of my celiac disease diagnosis and my subsequent switch to a strictly gluten-free lifestyle, and i’m using today as a chance to reflect on everything that’s changed in the past year.

tw: mental health (anxiety, depression), body image, ED, chronic illness

last summer was the absolute worst summer of my entire fucking life. but outside, everything looked practically perfect. i had just gotten back from my semester abroad, having traveled to ten cities across six countries, and i was working my literal dream internship: writing for a major fashion brand.

but (and there’s always a but), my mental and physical health were at their absolute lowest points. i was having anxiety attacks in the work bathroom every other day and i was completely isolating myself from my friends. i just felt so drained 24/7. i was always sitting down, taking breaks. i barely had the energy to post on instagram, never mind do my laundry. my anxiety? at an all-time high. from morning to night i was on edge. plus, i was spiraling into a depression i had never experienced prior.

i remember thinking to myself that i just wasn’t a person who got to feel good. that it wasn’t for me, that i didn’t deserve it. and i genuinely forgot what it felt like to feel good, in any sense of the word.

and holy fuck, my body image and eating issues rushed back to me like a fucking tsunami. i had worked so hard for so many years to repair my relationships with myself and with food and, within the span of a few short months, it felt like everything had been completely erased. i was barely eating, mostly because even looking at food made me nauseous, and i lost so much weight that summer. (and, terribly, when relatives called my weight loss out and said i looked good, i felt that rush of pride again, like at least being miserable had done something good. and that alone fucked me up more than anything.)

also brain fog. i hate brain fog. i felt so sluggish and tired all the time, and focusing on my work was a nightmare. i was writing about clothes!!! i was writing about things i loved!!! but i was moving through assignments at a snail’s pace, and despite my supervisor’s glowing reviews of my work, it felt like i wasn’t doing my best. i knew there was more in me. it was just stuck underneath the heavy clouds in my mind and my bones.

so my mind was miserable but so was my body. i woke up to excruciating stomach pain every single morning. i was nauseous 24/7, to the point where i  had a plastic bag in my purse at all times in case i randomly got sick. dancing was the one thing that had always brought me joy, but i could barely dance around my kitchen for a single song without getting lightheaded. i got winded walking to trader joe’s. i would come home from work, make a measly dinner, and then have to lie down right after eating bc my body was working overtime trying to deal with food it was never made to handle. (and seriously, shoutout to my roommate for taking all of this in stride and being so understanding when i left dishes in the sink for days on end, when i just couldn’t muster up the energy to wash them.)

i don’t even know how many times i texted my mom in a panic over how terrible i felt. i knew that there was something wrong, but so many people in my life were brushing off my worries. some said it was just my anxiety, which had given me many a stomachache over the years. some said it was just the aftereffects of going abroad and the resulting diet changes. some said it was my body getting used to the 40hr workweek routine. but they all said that i would get over it.

instead, i got worse.

it got to the point where i was leaving work early because i felt so horrible, and then my mother finally broke down and scheduled a doctor’s appointment for me, but the earliest one she could get was a month away. i switched my diet around so much in those four weeks, trying new things with ever-worsening results. i think that month was my absolute worst.

and then i finally, finally, went to the doctor’s office and did five fucking hours of blood tests, and then waited a week for the results.

they messed up and called my mom first, and she pretended to be me so that they would tell her. and so she called me at work, audibly near tears, to tell me that i had celiac disease. she said it like it was something that would break me. she said it with the expectation that i would burst into tears just like her.

oh my fucking god y’all that was the best news i had ever heard in my entire fucking life. still is.

i finally had an answer!!! i knew what was happening with my body!!! i had a clear-cut plan to get better!!! i was no longer watching helplessly from the sidelines as my body destroyed itself from the inside out!!!

i had brought a pb sandwich (aka the only thing i could at least kind of stomach at that point) to work for lunch, but after my mom’s call i threw that out and went down the street to get a salad from pret. and after work i went home, cleared out my pantry (my roommate got a lot of free food that night lol), and made a long-ass gluten-free grocery list. the next day, i went hard at whole foods (much to my bank account’s dismay).

and it’s not like going gluten-free has cured me. celiac disease is a chronic illness, an autoimmune disease; it’s sticking with me for the rest of my life, save for some weird scientific advancement that magically gives my body the ability to digest gluten.

yes, i’m gluten-free and i’m essentially “treating” my celiac disease, but by no means am i feeling good all the time.

i still have days where i feel like shit. i get glutened every so often and my symptoms come back in an instant, except even more intense than before. i’ve avoided events because i knew there wouldn’t be food for me to eat, and i’ve canceled on friends more times than i can count because i just wasn’t feeling up to it, either mentally or physically. i get dehydrated at the drop of a hat, and genuinely cannot go more than three hours without food before getting sick to my stomach.

but i also feel better than ever before. i’m happier. my anxiety/depression aren’t as bad. i’m healthier. i enjoy food again, something i haven’t done in years. my brain fog has pretty much disappeared, and the most common feedback i’ve gotten across my internships/jobs is how quick and efficient i am, while never dropping the ball on work quality. not only am i writing fic again, but i’m writing more fic than ever before, and i have the energy to pour love back into my words. i dance whenever and whenever possible, and over the past few months i’ve been filming a bunch of improv videos. i’m comfortable with my movement and with my body, for what is probably the first time in my life.

i’m proud of my gluten-free body because it is strong and it is beautiful and it can handle anything.

i am strong and i am beautiful and i can handle anything.

i feel like i found myself after going gluten-free. i know myself better than ever before. i’m more confident in my thoughts and feelings and beliefs. i don’t walk around like i’m scared anymore. i wear clothes that i love and that make me feel good and feel like myself. i’m so much more confident in my sexuality (she’s a gluten-free gay, y’all!!!). i know what makes me mad and what makes me frustrated, and even though confrontation is still hard, at least i know why i’m feeling a certain way.

and look at me now!!! i was co-president of my dance company and poured my heart into my choreography. i had the strength to try new moves and learn new things and grow as a choreographer. i graduated from uni with a degree in a field i absolutely adore. i love my job, even though it’s not my dream position, and i’m happy to go into work every day. i still struggle with social anxiety and with reaching out to make plans, but i’m not isolating myself to the same extent as i did last year.

something that has seriously helped me through the past two years is “minute by minute.” i don’t know how many times i told myself to just get through this next minute. to hold on for this next minute. to breathe deep because yes, your stomach hurts this minute, but that doesn’t mean it’ll hurt in the next one; all you have to do is get to the minute where you feel good.

(and, admittedly, i’m still not sure i know what “good” means. when i first went gluten-free and my symptoms started disappearing, my anxiety spiked because i was so sure the other shoe was about to drop. i had gotten so used to being miserable that i was terrified of being okay. i still feel like this sometimes, when i’ve had “too many” good days in a row.)

one day, i’m gonna get a tattoo inspired by “minute by minute.” (and no, it’s not going to actually say “minute by minute,” in any language.) i have the design and placement in mind; just waiting for the right time. and of course, the phrase has its origins in skam and i will forever be grateful to the show for giving me the tools to cope with what was happening to my body, but this tattoo is for me, not for skam. like they’re not really related, if that makes sense. my (future) tattoo will be a reminder to myself that i’m stronger than i think i am, and that i can get through anything as long as i take it minute by minute.

[itsyasminajouz]

Final Mastery Journal

           A year ago, I started my journey to my dream path. Prior to coming to Full Sail I was planning on taking a different work path. I was going to go to graduate school to get my master’s in business although I always wanted to go into film. Once I found out I could enroll into Full Sail for the master’s program with my Bachelor’s degree in Communications from my undergrad, I jumped on the opportunity.

           Going into my first class I had no clue what to expect. I did not even realize the people in that class would be the cohort I would be with for the entire year. Mastery was a very broad class that I did not really understand fully. At first it seemed like a filler class but I did soon realize how vital it was as an introduction class. We talked about prolific talented people throughout history who were special because they followed their passion. This made me realize I was doing the right thing following my path. Over the following months each class challenged me to my full potential. In month two my story got chosen to be filmed, which was an incredibly humbling experience and reminded me that I am in the right place for my future. This class challenged me in every way, I was more tired than I had ever been. I had a morning class and then filmed throughout the night which had me having 30-minute naps in my car. It was an adventure, and I would do it all again. To see all my hard work on a screen as the end result was so rewarding. This created a hunger in me, it put me in a routine of working hard and enjoying the work I did. I got hooked on writing movies, talking about them, changing ideas and seeing those ideas on a screen. This was another reminder than I was on the right path. These reminders were important to me because my entire life I had this fear that I would end up in a job I did not like. I was so worried that twenty years would pass, and I would feel as if I took a wrong path. My time at Full Sail has proved to me that I made a right choice.

           The class I felt most connected to was screen writing. I realized how writing made me feel and how I felt that I could communicate through scripts. I was writing scripts out of boredom or I would be writing any notes of ideas that popped into my head randomly. I kept a notebook with the most random ideas on it so I would never forget. Some ideas were dumb, some were great. I just wanted to get into the habit of jotting down every idea that went through my brain. This class also humbled me. I remember the first script I turned in got returned to me with crosses and ink corrections everywhere. Here is where I got a taste of how competitive the screen writing game is. This did not defeat me, this only strengthened me more and gave me more of a competitive streak.

           Prior to coming to Full Sail I realized that staying in a comfort zone is the worst thing for someone to do. Staying stagnant or just doing what you know is no way to further your passion or future for the better. Directing Talent class pushed me way beyond my comfort. Acting in front of a camera in front of people. My literal nightmare. I always wanted to be on side of the film industry that is behind the camera not in front. However, this gave me more knowledge on directing, once you act and see how one is acting you learn the “director” language. You can communicate better with your actors, and actors learn how to communicate with a director. This also helped improve my writing skills, this way I was no just directing on the page. I left that up to the director.

           I never tried actually being the camera operator in a film. Once I got into visual story telling I gave it a shot. I filmed a very low resource low budget film using nature and my dogs. Learning about lighting and how important lighting is for any scene challenged me. But it made me want to make more films. I know the first ones I make are not even watchable but so was my first script. Everyone’s first time trying something new will be rough and probably not great. But it is always awesome to see the improvement.

           The class that I probably got the least sleep in was visual storytelling. A class I started out terrified to begin but I left feeling more accomplished than ever. A class where we are required to shoot one film, we shot three. By the end everyone was exhausted and tired of each other. I spent time with the people more than I have spent time with anyone. It was tiring, there was tension but at the end we did it. And we were able to all come together at the end and see our great work. This is also where I was able add many different projects on to my resume.

           The three months that happened after visual storytelling went by fast. It seemed like pre-production, production, and post production. Pre-production was meetings almost every day, location scouting, casting, planning, and budgeting. Everyone was helping out with someone and we all had to be in constant communication. This showed everyone’s communication skills. Almost every day during pre-production was from morning to night, we were all tied at the hip working together. This was a taxing exhausting month, but all our hard work and organization paid off during production. Thanks to our awesome producer who kept everyone in check.  

           Post production showed me how I never ever want to go into post production. I try not to use the word “hate” but Avid made me use that word. However, this class was not a waste, I made a trailer and I conquered Avid and I realized what I don’t want to do which is just as important as figuring out what I love to do.

           Wrapping up to the last Business in Film class. A class I was constantly curious about throughout my year. I love the glamour that goes into the film industry but also know the logistics, laws and paperwork are just as critical to making a film and/or selling a script. We acted out actual negotiations and interview processes. It was a little much for me and I didn’t quiet enjoy them. I would have loved to have practiced something more before going in front of the class but I also know in the industry I will be thrown into situations I can’t always prepare for.

           Full Sail is by far of the greatest experience I have had yet. I have learned a lot with the people surrounding me. I have learned to always listen to my instinct, I have learned who are the opportunists and who are the hardworking students and I have learned to never ever share my work with certain classmates again. I am leaving this university stronger and more confident than I came in. I cannot wait to see where the film world will take me.

[flames-bring-a-ton-of-ash]

The Silence of the Lambs, IT and Carrie ^^

The Silence of the Lambs: What was something that you used to be afraid of that you aren’t afraid of anymore?

The dark, and the bathroom. When I was little, I was terrified of something happening to me in the bathroom. Either Jaws was going to eat me while I was taking a bath (that movie literally scarred me for life), the witch that I thought lived in our attic was going to get me (our attic entrance was beside the toilet) if I didn’t run like hell out of the bathroom after flushing the toilet since I believed she could grab me while the flushing noise drowned out my screams (a totally illogical fear when I was super young), or when I got older I was convinced that girl from The Ring was going to get me while I was in the shower (another movie that fucked me up for a while lol). And don’t EVEN get me started on having to go to the bathroom at night. All my worst childhood nightmares either involved Jaws or shit happening to me in the bathroom, and idk why. 

Nowadays, my old lady self has to get up and go to the bathroom in the pitch dark at least once in the middle of the night, and I don’t think twice about it. Well, that’s a lie. Sometimes my brain randomly thinks, “What if someone jumped out from behind the shower curtain right now and stabbed you in the dark while you were naked and peeing? Wouldn’t that just SUCK,” and I miiiight whip back the curtain, just to double check. But most nights, I don’t think twice about walking around my apartment in the dark or going to the bathroom...probably because both of my cats tend to follow me every single time I go in there, and they either sit at my feet while I pee or sit on the toilet and watch me through the curtain while I shower...I swear it’s like they know I need extra support in there or something XD I haven’t taken a bathroom trip alone while home in YEARS because of them. 

It: What do you believe in?

Hmm...I’m Agnostic, so I don’t really believe in a higher power. I believe in the power of people, and I try to always believe in myself and my own abilities. No matter how bad things might get, I believe that there are always good people out there, shining as little lights in the darkness, and those people are the ones that help keep my belief in humanity (and the possibility of positive change) alive. 

Carrie: Have you ever been told something you didn’t want to be/gotten news you didn’t want to?

Oh, definitely. I, sadly, think we all have at some point. Being told I was getting laid off from my job in June was news I didn’t want (tho it worked out for the best in the end). Getting news that my cat was sick last year and then having to put him down last August wasn’t something I wanted to hear or accept. The sudden death of my cousin 6 1/2 years ago, who was like a stand-in father for me, was news I was in complete denial of for days, until his funeral, when the truth smacked me in the face. I think we all have had to deal with horrible news and situations we didn’t want to deal with, but it’s part of what makes us human...taking the bad with the good. 

Thanks for the ask, love!

[voltronbutheadcanons]

I've never seen this prompt around before: but what is each paladins embarrassing never-tell-anyone daydream about their crush? Like, who daydreams about epically saving their crush's life? Who daydreams about confessing their feelings with a suave kiss? We all do it, so what would each of the paladins be? The more embarrassing the better!

Ooh interesting! Embarrassing the Paladins is something I need to check off of my bucket list for sure! I’m secretly a sadist hue hue ~Mod Saffron

Shiro

Shiro may have control over his patience, but not over his wild mind. This man will create insane scenarios where you’re tied up (some cases, it’s shibari holy shit) and you’re calling out to him in a sweet voice to come and save you.

He’s running in slow motion, pulverizing droids in some weird dance with the craziest grin on his face. He’s coming for you, darling!

There is a weak version of Sendak and Zarkon standing beside, whimpering as he walks in the room. He punches them after they meekly ask him not to punch.

He fucking wrecks Haggar’s face rip

With a swoosh of his laser arm, your ropes are magically unbound from your wrists and ankles. You jump into his arms and swoon when he winks at you.

“Oh, Shiro~” you coo softly at him, as he zips you to his Black Lion, confetti blowing up behind him and the entire central command of the Galra empire explodes behind you.

He leans in for a puckering kiss when–

“Shiro? You okay?”

Agh shit he’s blushing. Was he puckering his lips? He was puckering his lips, Lance said, a bit disgusted.

You glance at him suspiciously. He chuckles to himself, shaking his head at his little slip-up. Good thing you don’t know about his dreams at night.

Keith

Think twice if you ever thought Keith simply daydreams about you. He fucking lives his imaginations. Oh, wanna know how? Here, sit child, let me explain:

When you train with him, your kicks and punches are different than his brain interprets. They are a dance of seduction, a mesmerizing art that captivates him day by day.

Yes, Keith is poetic when it comes to his feelings. He 100% blames Lance for his new dramatic phase.

He will also react differently when you’re charging at him. He doesn’t even notice your sword until the blade is 0.03 inches from his face. He will parry it at the last second.

He’s so embarrassed, like, why did he just picture you in a sleek onesuit, looking all sexy as you punch and kick at him? Tch, he’s so freaking pissed at himself.

But it’s his guilty pleasure. He’ll just randomly think about you during missions, during dinner, during his arguments with Lance. He will replace anything before him with an image of you.

You know how people say, “I’m in a room full of people, but all I see is you.”? Yeah, take that literally with Keith. The Paladins are all in the room and all he sees is your face onto their own, smiling at him sweetly.

He kinda hates you for it, but it’s not your fault. He hates that he loves you, he’s never had any of this happen before.

He will murmur “stupid temptress” after your training sessions. You’re very confused, but your alarm is up.

Lance

Sigh

Honey, have you met Lance? He is either a ladies’ man or a ladies’ worst nightmare. For the sake of this beautiful boy, we won’t go with the latter.

He knows how to flirt, he’s just choosing the worst people to do it with. Also, he has no limits? Yes.

He is the type to dream about confessing to you in the most dramatic and romantic way possible. Fireworks, dancers, and a mariachi band (where did he get that in space??) are essential to his confession. Maybe he’ll even get a searing kiss on his lips! for confessing! He’s so excited and nothing even happened!

But

He becomes scared that after all this, you will reject him sadly and walk away from the scene. Oh, God. He’d be a laughingstock forever. You two will never see each other the same way again. You’ll always be suspicious of him and then that suspicion will turn into hatred and then you’ll hurt him and he’s gonna cry and and—

Wait. You would never friendzone him. You’re not that type of person. You are sweet, adorable, and compassionate for others’ feelings. why was he having another panic attack for no reason?

He dreams about you confessing your love to him, and the both of you ride off into the sunset, with Keith throwing petals emotionlessly behind.

He plays the guitar for you on your wedding night (woah that escalated quickly) near a bonfire on a beachside.

Yeah, bless his exaggerated soul. He will never tell anyone about this…hobby of his. God forbid if Keith finds out.

Hunk

Honestly, this guy wouldn’t go as wild as the others with his fantasies. He’s more of a laid back kind of dude who just wants a peaceful interaction with his crush.

Hunk is a total sucker for romance. He’d probably dream about how they would both be dancing at a masquerade ball and you would lose your slipper, to which then he would put it back on for you and present you with a fresh batch of cookies.

Hunk would dream about making meals with you and your seven kids (yes, he wants kids okay). All kinds of delicacies would be invited to your table, such as pineapple pizza, ravioli with meat, and popcorn noodles.

He wants a baking fight with you. Throwing flour all around and then kissing you with a great fire in his heart.

He waltzes around the kitchen, stuck in his own thoughts and humming gently to himself. Lance caught him absently stroking a wooden spoon and whispering words of love to it.

Lance is never allowed into the kitchen again.

Pidge

You’re not sure how, but this girl has actually doodled some of her daydreams into her notebook and you accidentally stumbled upon it (literally). 

As you flipped through the pages, you saw that with each progressive page, the images keep getting dirtier and dirtier.

You saw handholding at first, then loving glances, then kisses, then makeout doodles, and then you saw actual consummation this girl horny af

She also has a thing for roleplay? Like prince/ princess?

Has considered making a robotic dildo for you to wear

Pidge often imagines touching you intimately during activites. If y’all are doing a project, she’ll want to “accidentally” collide chests with you somehow. Taking a walk? She’ll trip into your arms. Eating? Pidge will fucking make noodles appear in your pizza to reenact the Lady and the Tramp scene.

But after you caught her drawings and her puckered lips to the ceiling, Pidge will never daydream in public ever again.

Lance teases her for days about it and I don’t think his crotch area is okay to this day

RIP my boi lance

[understandingchaoss]

The Harsh Reality of Living With Trauma

As the years have passed and diagnoses have come and gone, I have long accepted most of them. I have adjusted myself and my life to help live and better cope with them. Throughout the years, I have taken advantage of the time I have had to get to know myself. Mental illness has changed everything about me; some of those things are good, and some are bad. I like to think that I’m relatively in-tune with myself, my emotions, and the illnesses I live with so that I can continue to better myself and work my way towards no longer living with them.

Yet, here I am; struggling, hurting, and quite frankly, getting worse; or so it seems. I have made so much progress within the last four years. I don’t feel suicidal, but I think about death. I don’t want to relapse, but that seems like the only option in order to cope, because that’s all I ever knew. I know I’m better, because I used to think about suicide daily, and I used to want to relapse, and that’s no longer the case. I ask myself what my problem is at least 12 times a day. Although, I’m not really sure why, because I already know the answer. There is one little word that is constantly lingering over my head and eats me alive.

Trauma.

I haven’t dealt with post-traumatic stress disorder for as long as I’ve dealt with my depression, insomnia, or anxiety. But I feel like it’s been long enough that I should at least be a little more in-tune with it; I should at least have more of a hold on it so that it doesn’t have such a hold on me. PTSD is a disorder that some - not all - people develop following a traumatic event or witnessing a traumatic event (i.e. combat, rape, death of a loved one by suicide, a car accident, emotional or physical abuse, etc). Individuals that develop PTSD do not recover from the experience properly. The trauma can actually cause their brain to malfunction, and they fail to recover like most individuals are able to do. The amygdala, hippocampus, and ventromedial prefrontal cortex are all affected following the traumatic experience, which impacts the stress mechanism we all have. Thus, the survivor continues to discern and respond to stressors differently than someone who recovered normally from a similar experience. If you would like to read more about how the 3 areas of the brain that are affected, click here.

PTSD is the most painful, frightening, and debilitating thing I have ever experienced in my entire life. With it come panic attacks, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, and dreadful memories I never asked to happen, let alone asked to remember.

I am not going to go in-depth about my experiences, as I am not currently in a place where I can openly talk about them with just anyone without feeling shame and humiliation. But I will say that as of right now, there are 3 specific experiences that rule my life; they vary from mental and physical abuse, sexual assault, and an indirect situation I experienced in the church. They all date back only within the last 4 years. They are still fresh and new, and I have not yet fully accepted them.

I live in a small town where you can’t really escape anyone or anything. This town is also where 2 of the experiences occurred, so daily life is exhausting. One of the most common symptoms of PTSD is the avoidance of people or places that can trigger a past event. Living in this town makes this nearly impossible to do, as much as I would love to do it. If I am driving by myself, it’s easier to avoid the places that I want. But sometimes when I’m with friends, it’s inevitable. At this point, I don’t even say anything anymore, because it’s almost as if every single place I go in this town somehow reminds me of what I don’t want to remember. So instead of making things extremely difficult, I just shut up about it and internalize how it makes me feel until the feelings, emotions, or flashbacks pass. I don’t want to burden the people I love who want to do things with me just because of an experience that occurred that I should have reacted to normally in the first place. The exact places where the 2 experiences happened in this town are places I will not go. But even places I went with these people - traumatic experiences completely unrelated - are triggering (one of these days, I will talk about why I was going places with these people, and living a normal life with them and yet still experiencing the unthinkable). Walmart, grocery stores, rivers, lakes, certain roads; just about anywhere. There are places in this town that I absolutely love, which are now permanently scarred. Just remembering that I was in a specific place with the person sets me into a frenzy of emotions that I do not want to feel. The amount of stress the avoidance of things puts on me is incredible. Sometimes, a lot of it is subconscious; in my subconscious mind, I know I have to leave my house and that I’ll most likely come across a person, place, or thing that will trigger me. Each day is exhausting knowing that no matter where I go, and no matter what I do in this town, my experiences will always be with me. And I hate that.

The traumatic experience that occurred outside of this town is somehow still triggered almost daily. Although, it’s usually triggered as a result of a word, phrase, smell, or someone coming up behind me and scaring me, whether it’s intentionally or unintentionally. It has completely warped my perception of what healthy relationships and friendships are supposed to be. I don’t want to remember certain smells, and yet, it seems like everywhere I go, I keep smelling something that reminds me of what used to be.  

Flashbacks are probably what I would categorize as the worst symptom of PTSD. This is where the trauma really takes hold of me. Flashbacks debilitate me, and I completely disassociate from myself and everyone around me during one. I do not know how long my flashbacks actually last. I never know when they’re going to happen. I never know exactly what is going to trigger them. It’s almost like the onset of a panic attack, minus the panicking and physical symptoms of one. The best way I have ever been able to explain a flashback, is that my mind and eyes are a projector. Picture yourself sitting in a classroom looking at whatever is on the projector screen that the teacher has up. That’s literally what it looks like in front of me, because I am the projector. I completely freeze, my body doesn’t move, and I’m pretty sure I don’t even blink. Whatever I was doing or whoever I was with before it started, does not exist any longer. I watch myself enduring the traumatic experience across the room, right in front of me. I know I’m sitting there watching. The part of me that is enduring the experience keeps wondering why in the world the part of me who is watching isn’t doing anything. Why does she keep watching this happen and keep allowing it to happen? WHY ISN’T SHE DOING SOMETHING TO HELP ME? Sometimes I feel like my flashbacks are some twisted way for me to try to change the past. I never did anything right away to get myself out of the 3 traumatic experiences. Heck, I didn’t even know one of them was even traumatic until at least a year after. I am angry at myself for not doing anything about them. I am angry at myself for continuing to put myself in the position of it happening. I am angry at myself for not stopping it. If I could have just stopped it, my life wouldn’t be a living hell. Maybe my flashbacks are a way for me to change that; to go back and do what I should have done. But I can’t, and I don’t. I watch myself scream at the part of me who is watching. She’s screaming at me to do something, anything. But the part of me who is watching does nothing, she doesn’t even move. There is no emotion on her face, almost as if she just doesn’t care. She sits there and watches until it’s over. Just like the shaking of the head and excessive blinking Raven Simone did on That’s So Raven after she’d have a vision (my favorite show as a kid, by the way), I come back to reality. I can find myself anywhere from pulled over on the side of the road not knowing how I got there, in the store staring at the package of chicken I had in my hand, in the car with friends, in my room, in the shower, or at work. Following a flashback, I am usually exhausted for the rest of day. I need to lie down and cry it out. Most of the time, I’m not able to. I internalize what I just experienced in the flashback, and that probably begins a vicious cycle since I never deal with any of it.

Nightmares are a weekly thing. Thankfully, not every single night, but they’re enough to interrupt my sleep when I seem to need it the most. Intrusive and frightening thoughts are a daily thing the second I step out my front door. What if I see them today? What if I see someone else that reminds me of them? What if another traumatic experience happens to me today? What if I get raped or abducted? What if I get into a car accident on my way to work? It’s almost as if the traumatic experiences caused some kind of paranoia. I am constantly preparing myself for the worst. If I prepare myself for the worst, maybe it won’t affect me so badly, because I was already ready for it.

Trauma can cause memory loss. I used to think this was great. All 3 of my experiences were ongoing for an extended period of time. So I know that there were a lot of things that happened throughout each of them that I just don’t remember. I used to think, sweet; that’s one less thing I have to remember or try to deal with. Boy was I wrong. Each day, randomly, a new memory will pop into my head. A memory I had never thought about until that moment. A memory I never consciously knew happened until that moment. The brain blocks out a lot of things as way to cope. Instead of dealing with stressors like it should, it tries to block things out and it can actually cause that memory to no longer consciously exist. My psychiatrist explained it to me like a filing system. Your brain takes memories and thoughts and files them away in certain places. The brain will put some away in a file that it will always go back to; aka its conscious memory file. Other memories will be put into a file that the brain doesn’t bring out as often; aka its subconscious file. Quite often, the brain will file those memories away the second they happen. This explains why I never consciously think about them. Every now and then, that file gets opened and a memory is brought out, causing me to suddenly, consciously, remember something that I, all along, subconsciously knew happened. I hate when a new memory comes about. It seems like there’s already so much I don’t want to think about, that there couldn’t possibly be anymore out there.

Trauma has completely convinced me that I am not worthy of love. It has bound me to itself; sometimes it feels like I’m bound to it for an eternity. But then I remember that’s not rational. It has convinced me that what happened to me is my fault and that I deserved every bit of it. Trauma has warped my perception of what love is supposed to be, and convinced me that what happened to me, was love. It has convinced me that I am a victim, not a survivor. Trauma has robbed me of life. It has robbed me of the zest I used to have for life. It has robbed me of enjoyment, love, peace, joy, trust, and happiness. It has robbed me of a healthy way of dealing with things, and a normal life. It robs me of every ounce of hope I am ever able to muster up. Trauma has made me its own personal prisoner. It makes my own skin feel like my own personal prison cell; a prison cell crawling with bugs and all I want to do is claw my way out of it; except I can’t.

I hate everything about trauma. I hate everything about PTSD and all of the things that come with it. I hate all of the memories I am stuck with. Despite my faith and what I know is right, some days, I even hate the people who have traumatized me. I am slowly learning that being able to admit that is healthy, as long as I work every single day towards love and forgiveness for those who have hurt me.

The last 14 months have been nearly unbearable, but therapy has been my saving grace. I have learned so much about PTSD, my trauma, and how to conquer my demons. All of the things that trauma has convinced me of are not true, and my counselor is the one who taught me that.

I am worthy. I am SO worthy of love and gentleness. What happened to me is not my fault, and I did not deserve any of it. I am not a victim. I am a survivor. I am not what happened to me. I am not defined by the actions of those who have hurt me. I am not a reflection of the actions from others. Love is not supposed to hurt, whether it’s a relationship or a friendship. Love is not supposed to leave you traumatized. Trauma has kept me silent for so long. But it will no longer keep me down and keep me quiet.

Someday I will know why all of this had to hurt so much. Someday there will be a purpose to all of this, and I will be able to use it for good. I am not brave yet, but I’m going to be.

If you or someone you know needs support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or text START to 741-741

[1x1shawn]

The ultimate relationship tag meme and is it bad if I ask for all three ships? xx If that's too much just do whoever you're feelings. x

Under the readmore is ALL THREE OF OUR SHIPS because I’m nice and you’re a lucky duck. This is like the length of a novella good lord. 

Franklin & Mason

Disagreements:

Who is more likely to raise their voice? Probably the both of them, tbh. They’re the worst. Who threatens to leave but never actually does? Franklin is always like I’m done w/ your shit peace out. Who actually keeps their word and leaves? Mason, if he were to get bored of Franklin. Who trashes the house? Mason, he’s got…a lot going on in his head that can come out p destructive. Do either of them get physical? I mean, when they’re practicing, sure, but it’s always in the interest of being better fighters, not because they’re trying to actually hurt the other. How often do they argue/disagree? Fairly often? They have a lot of issues to work out. Who is the first to apologise? I honestly have no idea. 

Sex:

Who is on top? Hmm…I think it’s a trade-off. They probably wrestle for top, tbh. Who is on the bottom? ^^^Who has the strangest desires? MASON. He does not like getting bored in the bedroom. Or at all. Any kinks? I’m sure Mason has some, Franklin kind of goes along with whatever. Who’s dominant in bed? Both of them are. Again, it’s like a wrestling match. Is head ever in the equation? Definitely. If so, who is better at performing it? I think Mason is. Ever had sex in public? Pft, probably. I think they’ve had sex in the training room plenty of times. Who moans the most? Mason?Who leaves the most marks? I think they both leave a fair amount of marks. Who screams the loudest? I can’t see either of them being screamers. Who is the more experienced of the two? Mason, Franklin shut out any sexual pleasure to focus on his fighting. Do they ‘fuck’ or ‘make love’? Mostly fuck. Rough or soft? ROUGH AF. How long do they usually last? I’m sure Mason finds plenty of ways to make them last a good while. Is protection used? Probably.Does it ever get boring? I’m 99% sure Mason makes sure it never gets boring. Where is the strangest place they’d have sex? In the training room? 

Family:

Do your muses plan on having children/or have children? Minnie is their child and no one can tell me otherwise. I don’t think they’d have any tho. If so, how many children do your muses want/have? Just sweet Minnie.Who is the favorite parent? Minnie loves them both. Who is the authoritative parent? Probably Franklin since he’s been playing the role of parent to her much longer than Mason. Who is more likely to allow the children to have a day off school? Mason, I think. Who lets the children indulge in sweets and junk food when the other isn’t around? Probably Mason. Who turns up to extra curricular activities to support their children? Franklin is there like shareware. Who goes to parent teacher interviews? Franklin, since he’s related to Minnie. Who changes the diapers? Franklin did.Who gets up in the middle of the night to feed the baby? Franklin did. Who spends the most time with the children? Franklin, overall. Who packs their lunch boxes? Franklin. Who gives their children ‘the talk’? Franklin. Who cleans up after the kids? Franklin. Who worries the most? Franklin. Who are the children more likely to learn their first swear word from? Probs Mason tbh. 

Affection:

Who likes to cuddle? I don’t think they’re big cuddlers. More just like an arm around each other. Who is the little spoon? I’d say Franklin if they spooned. Who gets naughty in the most inappropriate of places? Probs both of them, but more so Mason. Who struggles to keep their hands to themself? Franklin likes to tease Mason a lot. How long can they cuddle until one becomes uncomfortable? Not very long, I don’t think. Who gives the most kisses? Uhhhhhmmmmm….Mason? Maybe? What is their favourite non-sexual activity? Fighting. Where is their favourite place to cuddle? Shit, idk. Franklin’s bed? Who is more likely to playfully grope the other? Mason, I think. How often do they get time to themselves? Not a whole ton, but plenty enough. 

Sleeping:

Who snores? I think Mason might a little bit. If both do, who snores the loudest? ^^^Do they share a bed or sleep separately? They don’t spend the night with each other often, so separate. If they sleep together, do they cozy up together or lay far apart? I’d say in between. Who talks in their sleep? Neither? What do they wear to bed? Franklin just goes with boxers and a white tank top. I think Mason would just go with the boxers. Are either of your muses insomniacs? Mason. Can sleeping pills be found by the bedside? Mason might?Do they wrap their limbs around each other or just lay side by side?Lay side-by-side. Who wakes up with bed hair? Mason? Who wakes up first? Probably Franklin. Who prepares breakfast in bed for the other? Neither, that’s just not their style. What is their favourite sleeping position? I think both of them are kind of sprawlers. Who hogs the sheets? Mason. Do they set an alarm each night? Franklin does–he has to be up for Minnie. Can a television be found in their bedroom? Def not in Franklin’s. But maybe in Mason’s? Who has nightmares? Neither has too bad of nightmares, I think. Who has ridiculous dreams? Probably Mason. Who sprawls out and takes up most of the bed? Both of them, tbh.  Who makes the bed? Neither. What time is bed time? Very late/very early morning. Any routines/rituals before bed? Not that I can imagine. Who’s the grumpiest when they wake up? Mason? 

Work:

Who is the busiest? Franklin? Who rakes in the highest income? Franklin, simply because he’s the better fighter. Are any of your muses unemployed? I mean technically…Who takes the most sick days? N/AWho is more likely to turn up late to work? N/AWho sucks up to their boss? I mean Mason sucks up (literally) to Franklin, who is his mentor…What are their jobs? They’re fighters. Who stresses the most? Franklin, Mason dgaf about p much anything. Do your muses enjoy or despise their careers/occupations? Both enjoy it very much. Are your muses financially stable? Not Franklin, but I think Mason has money from his parents? If I remember correctly? 

Home:

Who does the washing? They mostly live separately, so if they ever did, I think they’d do their own stuff. Who takes out the trash? Whoever sees that it’s full. Who does the ironing? Same as washing.Who does the cooking? I think Franklin is a better cook since he’s had to do it for so long. Who is more likely to burn the house down just trying? Neither, I think Mason is an okay cook.  Who is messier? Mason. Who leaves the toilet roll empty? Mason. Who leaves their dirty clothes on the floor? Mason. Who forgets to flush the toilet? Neither. Who is the prankster around the house? Mason? Maybe? Who loses the car keys when it comes time to go somewhere? Mason? Who mows the lawn? I don’t think Mason really has a lawn and Franklin doesn’t keep his up. Who does the vacuuming? Franklin. Who does the groceries? Probably both of them with Minnie when they’re together. Otherwise same as washing and ironing. Who takes the longest to shower? Mason? Who spends the most time in the bathroom? Franklin? 

Miscellaneous:

Is money a problem? Majorly for Franklin, idk about Mason because I don’t remember the whole situation with his parents lolHow many cars do they own? I think Mason has one, but Franklin doesn’t. Do they own their home or do they rent? They’d rent. Do they live near the coast or deep in the countryside? I think Mason needs the city life. Do they live in the city or in the country? ^^^Do they enjoy their surroundings? They’re both a little…meh about where they are. What’s their song? I can’t conjure one off the top of my head. What do they do when they’re away from each other? They manage just fine. Where did they first meet? The fight ring. How did they first meet? Mason was like PLZ HEP ME and Franklin was like nah, but he did eventually. Who spends the most money when out shopping? Mason, Franklin is v frugal.Who’s more likely to flash their assets? Mason is general? Franklin to Mason. Who finds it amusing when the other trips over? Both of them a little bit. Any mental issues? I don’t think so. Mason become bored, but I don’t think that’s attached to a mental problem. Who’s terrified of bugs? Neither. Who kills the spiders around the house? Whoever sees it. Their favourite place? Probably the training room. Who pays the bills? Both. Do they have any fears for their future? FRANKLIN AF after he develops feelings and finds out that Mason often discards people. Who’s more likely to surprise the other with a fancy dinner? I don’t think that’s either of their things. Who uses up all of the hot water? Probs Mason, how rude.  Who’s the tallest? I believe Mason is. Who’s more likely to just randomly hop into the shower with the other? I think it’s about even. Who wanders around in their underwear? Mason, I think. Who sings the loudest when singing along to the radio? Neither? What do they tease each other about? Lots of sexual teasing. Who is more likely to cringe at the other’s fashion sense at times? I don’t think this applies to them. Do they have mutual friends? No. Franklin doesn’t have friends. Mason is just kind of iffy on all his friends. Who crushed first? Mason. Any alcohol or substance related problems? Mason, I believe has some of those. Who is more likely to stumble home, drunk, at 3am? Mason? Who swears the most? Uh…I think they both curse regularly. 

Reese & Charlie

Disagreements:

Who is more likely to raise their voice? Def Charlie. Who threatens to leave but never actually does? I don’t think their arguments would ever get that bad. Who actually keeps their word and leaves? If anyone were to, I’d say it’d be Reese? Esp with the pressure of his moms. Who trashes the house? Charlie would. Do either of them get physical? No. How often do they argue/disagree? Not often, it’s more Charlie is just an irritable person and sometimes gets snappy. Who is the first to apologise? Reese. He’s v good at swallowing his pride for the sake of a relationship. 

Sex:

Who is on top? Charlie. Who is on the bottom? Reese. Who has the strangest desires? Charlie? Any kinks? I don’t think any extreme ones. Who’s dominant in bed? Charlie for sure. Is head ever in the equation? Occasionally. If so, who is better at performing it? Hmm…probs Charlie? Ever had sex in public? I don’t think so? Maybe in a car a few times. Who moans the most? Reese. Who leaves the most marks? Charlie. Who screams the loudest? Reese. Who is the more experienced of the two? Def Charlie. Do they ‘fuck’ or ‘make love’? I think mostly make love? Just because of how precious Reese is to Charlie. Rough or soft? On the softer side. How long do they usually last? A good amount of time? Is protection used? I’d say yes. Does it ever get boring? Probably not? Where is the strangest place they’d have sex? Maybe a car. 

Family:

Do your muses plan on having children/or have children? I don’t imagine Charlie would want kids? But I think Reese would. If so, how many children do your muses want/have? Maybe like one human child and one dog child. Who is the favorite parent? Reese. Who is the authoritative parent? Also Reese. Who is more likely to allow the children to have a day off school? Charlie. Who lets the children indulge in sweets and junk food when the other isn’t around? Charlie (Reese prefers wholesome and organic stuffs). Who turns up to extra curricular activities to support their children? Reese (who would bring Charlie with him). Who goes to parent teacher interviews? Reese (again, dragging Charlie along). Who changes the diapers? Reese. Who gets up in the middle of the night to feed the baby? Reese. Who spends the most time with the children? Reese. Who packs their lunch boxes? Reese. Who gives their children ‘the talk’? Charlie. Who cleans up after the kids? Reese. Who worries the most? Reese. Who are the children more likely to learn their first swear word from? Charlie for sure. 

Affection:

Who likes to cuddle? REESE. Who is the little spoon? Reese, because c’mon on. He just is. Who gets naughty in the most inappropriate of places? Charlie would. Who struggles to keep their hands to themself? Both of them. Charlie in a more sexual way and Reese in a more affectionate way. How long can they cuddle until one becomes uncomfortable? I imagine, since big old Reese is the little spoon, that Charlie’s arm falls asleep p quickly. Who gives the most kisses? Reese. He gives ALL the kisses. What is their favourite non-sexual activity? I’d say just being together, maybe watching movies. Where is their favourite place to cuddle? On the couch, in front of the TV. Who is more likely to playfully grope the other? Charlie. How often do they get time to themselves? They’re mostly by themselves. 

Sleeping:

Who snores? Neither. If both do, who snores the loudest? N/ADo they share a bed or sleep separately? I think they stay with each other quite a bit, so share. If they sleep together, do they cozy up together or lay far apart? Reese is def all cozied up to his bby. Who talks in their sleep? I think Charlie mumbles a little. What do they wear to bed? Reese just wears pajama bottoms with no shirt. I imagine Charlie would be in underwear and a metal band t-shirt. Are either of your muses insomniacs? I don’t think so. Can sleeping pills be found by the bedside? No. Do they wrap their limbs around each other or just lay side by side? Reese, somehow, manages to get all tangled up in Charlie, who is sprawled out. Who wakes up with bed hair? Reese AF.Who wakes up first? I’d say Reese. Who prepares breakfast in bed for the other? Reese would def do something like that. What is their favourite sleeping position? I imagine they spoon a lot, or Charlie is sprawled out while Reese is cuddled up to him. Who hogs the sheets? Charlie. Do they set an alarm each night? Reese has an internal alarm clock and Charlie wouldn’t. Can a television be found in their bedroom? I think it would be in Charlie’s, maybe a small one in Reese’s? Who has nightmares? I don’t think either of them? Maybe Charlie? Who has ridiculous dreams? Reese has all sorts of crazy dreams–a lot of them involve talking veggies. Who sprawls out and takes up most of the bed? Charlie would.  Who makes the bed? Reese, def. What time is bed time? Earlier for Reese than for Charlie. Any routines/rituals before bed? Reese always insists on a goodnight kissy. Who’s the grumpiest when they wake up? Charlie.

Work:

Who is the busiest? I think Reese, just because what he does can be very time-consuming. Who rakes in the highest income? Charlie, for sure. Are any of your muses unemployed? No. Who takes the most sick days? Reese? Since Charlie makes his own schedule, it’d be Reese by default. Who is more likely to turn up late to work? I could see Charlie strolling in late for a deal lolWho sucks up to their boss? Neither. What are their jobs? Reese is a lil farm boy and Charlie is a drug dealer.  Who stresses the most? I don’t think either of them are particularly susceptible to being stressed. Do your muses enjoy or despise their careers/occupations? I’d say so. Are your muses financially stable? Both are, yes. 

Home:

Who does the washing? Reese would. Who takes out the trash? Charlie would so that Reese wouldn’t be doing everything. Who does the ironing? Reese.Who does the cooking? Reese def knows how to cook.Who is more likely to burn the house down just trying? Probs Charlie. Who is messier? Charlie.  Who leaves the toilet roll empty? Charlie. Who leaves their dirty clothes on the floor? Charlie.Who forgets to flush the toilet? Charlie might on the occasion. Who is the prankster around the house? Neither? Who loses the car keys when it comes time to go somewhere? Reese is kind of absent-minded. Who mows the lawn? Reese loves mowing the lawn. Who does the vacuuming? Reese. Who does the groceries? Reese, though Charlie often tags along. Who takes the longest to shower? Reese, he likes to make sure he’s got all the dirt off of him. Who spends the most time in the bathroom? Reese. 

Miscellaneous:

Is money a problem? Nope. How many cars do they own? One a piece. Do they own their home or do they rent? Rent at first, but Reese would love to pay a place out in the country later on. Do they live near the coast or deep in the countryside? Countryside, but close enough to a city for Charlie’s sake. Do they live in the city or in the country? Countryside not too far from the city. Do they enjoy their surroundings? Reese loves his surroundings. Charlie probably doesn’t really care. What’s their song? Your Love is My Drug probs lolWhat do they do when they’re away from each other? Reese calls often.Where did they first meet? The market where Reese works. How did they first meet? Charlie was trying to buy tomato seeds. Who spends the most money when out shopping? Charlie–he’s got the cash to blow. Who’s more likely to flash their assets? Charlie for sure. Who finds it amusing when the other trips over? Neither? Reese isn’t like that and Charlie loves his bby too much to laugh at his pain. In fact, Reese is more likely to laugh at himself tripping than either of them at the other.  Any mental issues? I don’t think so. Who’s terrified of bugs? Neither. Who kills the spiders around the house? Charlie kills them when he sees them, but Reese lets them scurry about in peace. Their favourite place? I’d say the back of Reese’s truck while their up on this small cliff side over looking the town Reese lives in. Who pays the bills? Both I’d say. Do they have any fears for their future? Reese worries a bit about Charlie being arrested and Charlie worries about Reese finding someone who’s “worth a damn”.  Who’s more likely to surprise the other with a fancy dinner? Charlie, he likes to treat his bby now and again. Who uses up all of the hot water? Probs Charlie. Who’s the tallest? Reese even though he’s the little spoon. Who’s more likely to just randomly hop into the shower with the other? Charlie, though Reese does on occasion. Who wanders around in their underwear? Charlie ALL THE TIME. Who sings the loudest when singing along to the radio? REESE. What do they tease each other about? I don’t imagine they’re huge teasers? Who is more likely to cringe at the other’s fashion sense at times? Neither? Do they have mutual friends? No. Who crushed first? Reese he was very ~heart eyes~ at Charlie. Any alcohol or substance related problems? Charlie, obvs. Who is more likely to stumble home, drunk, at 3am? Charlie. Who swears the most? CHARLIE.

Augustus & Bentley

Disagreements:

Who is more likely to raise their voice? I’d say Bentley. Not because he’s prone to anger, but because when he gets frustrated, his voice naturally raises. Whereas, when Augustus gets frustrated, his voice gets eerily even. Who threatens to leave but never actually does? NEITHER, since it’s such a SERIOUS and DAMAGING thing to threaten. Who actually keeps their word and leaves? Bentley has left before, but I think after that it doesn’t happen because, again, serious and damaging. Who trashes the house? Augustus might do a little trashing of his room, but only in private and he cleans up right after. Do either of them get physical? No. How often do they argue/disagree? Not very often.  Who is the first to apologise? Depends on the contents of the argument. 

Sex:

Who is on top? I’d guess Augustus. Who is on the bottom? Bentley. Who has the strangest desires? I don’t think either of them?Any kinks? Again, I imagine they’re fairly vanilla. Who’s dominant in bed? Augustus is, but it’s more that he’s more confident in bed, not more dominant. Is head ever in the equation? Sometimes, yeah. If so, who is better at performing it? I’d say Augustus. Ever had sex in public? I doubt it. Who moans the most? Bentley. Who leaves the most marks? Bentley?Who screams the loudest? I don’t imagine either of them screaming. Who is the more experienced of the two? Uhhh...neither in terms of male/male sex, but Augustus has slept with his girlfriend before (I honestly don’t remember if Bentley ever went all the way to sex with all the random girls he makes-out with).Do they ‘fuck’ or ‘make love’? Make love, I think they make a lot of slow, passionate love. Rough or soft? Soft and passion galore. How long do they usually last? A good while, like I said above, I imagine that it’s very slow love making. Is protection used? Probs. Does it ever get boring? I don’t think so? Where is the strangest place they’d have sex? I don’t think they’ve had sex in any strange places. 

Family:

Do your muses plan on having children/or have children? I’m not sure, maybe. If so, how many children do your muses want/have? Maybe like two?Who is the favorite parent? Augustus, since he can turn charm on. Who is the authoritative parent? Bentley, Augustus would be horrible at saying no to the kids. Who is more likely to allow the children to have a day off school? Both of them lbr. Who lets the children indulge in sweets and junk food when the other isn’t around? Also, both of them. Who turns up to extra curricular activities to support their children? Uh, both probably. If not both, then at least Augustus. Who goes to parent teacher interviews? Both. Who changes the diapers? Both. Who gets up in the middle of the night to feed the baby? They switch off. Who spends the most time with the children? It’s about equal. Who packs their lunch boxes? Uhh...both? Who gives their children ‘the talk’? It’d be a slightly-awkward tag-team event. Who cleans up after the kids? I think they just pick up the toys as they stumble upon them, neither actively seeks out to clean the toys up. Who worries the most? Bentley if Augustus is having a good day, Augustus if he’s having a bad day. Who are the children more likely to learn their first swear word from? BENTLEY LOL

Affection:

Who likes to cuddle? They’re both cuddly AF. Who is the little spoon? Oh man...mostly Bentley I think? But it’s not unusual that it’s switched. Who gets naughty in the most inappropriate of places? Augustus pros whispers salacious things in Bentley’s ear just to make him squirm. Who struggles to keep their hands to themself? Augustus in public. Bentley struggles with coming out, but after he relaxes into it there is a fair amount of PDA. How long can they cuddle until one becomes uncomfortable? They can cuddle for so long, man. Who gives the most kisses? It’s p equal, I’d say. What is their favourite non-sexual activity? Literally just talking for hours. Where is their favourite place to cuddle? Their beds. Who is more likely to playfully grope the other? Augustus, which would make Bentley do it back. How often do they get time to themselves? They’re almost always alone. 

Sleeping:

Who snores? Augustus kind of whistles in his sleep lol If both do, who snores the loudest? ^^^Do they share a bed or sleep separately? They spend TONS of time in each other’s bed. If they sleep together, do they cozy up together or lay far apart? VVV cozyWho talks in their sleep? Neither. What do they wear to bed? Sometimes they just fall asleep in their hoodies, but if they do manage to change for bed, both are underwear and a t-shirt, I’d say. Are either of your muses insomniacs? Augustus if he’s having his bad days. Can sleeping pills be found by the bedside? Sometimes on Augustus’s.Do they wrap their limbs around each other or just lay side by side? V much tangled. Who wakes up with bed hair? Both of them AF.Who wakes up first? Augustus. On his good days, he’s a ball of morning sunshine, but on his bad days he rarely sleeps so he gets up early. Who prepares breakfast in bed for the other? Augustus. What is their favourite sleeping position? Augustus on his back with Bentley lying half on top of him. Who hogs the sheets? Probs Augustus tbh. Do they set an alarm each night? Nah, they do what they feel. Can a television be found in their bedroom? Probably in both of theirs. Who has nightmares? I don’t think either of them. Who has ridiculous dreams? Both of them let’s be completely honest here. Who sprawls out and takes up most of the bed? Neither. Who makes the bed? Pfft neither. What time is bed time? Late night/early morning. Any routines/rituals before bed? I can’t think of any.Who’s the grumpiest when they wake up? Bentley. 

Work:

Who is the busiest? Pffft neither they’re lazy bums AF.Who rakes in the highest income? Do either of them even have a job?Are any of your muses unemployed? ^^^Who takes the most sick days? Augusts for obvious reasons. Who is more likely to turn up late to work? Bentley? Who sucks up to their boss? N/AWhat are their jobs? N/A Who stresses the most? Augustus if he’s having a bad day. Do your muses enjoy or despise their careers/occupations? N/AAre your muses financially stable? N/A

Home:

Who does the washing? Augustus, he likes having something to do when they’re not cuddling and deep-talking. Who takes out the trash? Augustus. Who does the ironing? Augustus. Who does the cooking? TBH they probs order a LOT of take-out.Who is more likely to burn the house down just trying? Probs both? I think Bentley is better than Augustus. Augustus can do like...simple breakfast foods. Who is messier? They’re both kind of messy. Who leaves the toilet roll empty? Both. Who leaves their dirty clothes on the floor? Both. Who forgets to flush the toilet? Neither. Who is the prankster around the house? They both have a fair amount of that going on, but it’s never too much or too far. Who loses the car keys when it comes time to go somewhere? Augustus can be very spacecase-y on his bad days. Who mows the lawn? Do they have a lawn? Who does the vacuuming? Augustus. Who does the groceries? They do it together. Who takes the longest to shower? Augustus? Who spends the most time in the bathroom? Augustus? 

Miscellaneous:

Is money a problem? I think they’re okay? How many cars do they own? I think Bentley has a car, but Augustus just has a bike. Do they own their home or do they rent? I think Bentley rents and Augustus is still at home? Maybe? Honestly, I haven’t worked out the living arrangements yet lol.Do they live near the coast or deep in the countryside? Uhhh...coast?Do they live in the city or in the country? City. Do they enjoy their surroundings? Yeah, sure. What’s their song? Why am I so bad with songs? Lol, maybe Skinny Love at the beginning? What do they do when they’re away from each other? They facetime a lot and text. Where did they first meet? Gym class. How did they first meet? Bentley basically THREW a ball RIGHT AT Augustus. How rude. Who spends the most money when out shopping? I don’t think either are big spenders. Who’s more likely to flash their assets? Probs Augustus tbh. Who finds it amusing when the other trips over? They both do, the little shits. Any mental issues? Augustus has severe bouts of depression. Who’s terrified of bugs? Neither. Who kills the spiders around the house? Tbh they both probably just stare at the spider and do nothing about it. Their favourite place? Bed. Who pays the bills? Idk if this is relevant lol Do they have any fears for their future? Def, def. Bentley worries he’ll never be good enough for Augustus to depend on and Augustus has some abandonment issues because of a time when Bentley left him when things were rough. Who’s more likely to surprise the other with a fancy dinner? That’s not their scene. They surprise each other with take-out. Who uses up all of the hot water? Augustus probs. Who’s the tallest? Uhmmm...Augustus? I’m not 100% though. I think they’re similar heights. Who’s more likely to just randomly hop into the shower with the other? Both of them are lbr. Who wanders around in their underwear? Both do on the occasion. Who sings the loudest when singing along to the radio? When it’s just the two of them, they go all out and are purposefully obnoxious. What do they tease each other about? Literally everything what little shits. Who is more likely to cringe at the other’s fashion sense at times? Neither. Do they have mutual friends? I think they’re friends mingle p well because of all going to the same school. Who crushed first? It was actually p mutual. Any alcohol or substance related problems? Some weed usage, but not much after that. Maybe some alcohols. Who is more likely to stumble home, drunk, at 3am? If one is drunk, the other is probs drunk too. Who swears the most? Bentley. 

[angelbabymommy]

Where do I begin? How do I tell this story? I guess the only way I know how.

I am 32 years old, I have carried and birthed 5 beautiful babies into this world, children I am thankful for each day, even more so now. Children I am blessed to hug, laugh with, make memories, and love always.

March 7, 2020 I gave birth to my fifth child. My partner and I both agreed we didn’t want another child for some time and I made the decision to use birth control. I was using the Xulane birth control patch. All was well.

In June 2020 I realized I hadn’t started a period. Surely I wasn’t pregnant but just to be safe we took a test, imagine our surprise to see two lines! Wait! What just happened!?!

It was overwhelming. We were scared. But we accepted it. My partner and I were warming up to the idea of another baby to adore. I found a midwife, I found a hospital that would allow me to have the water birth I always dreamed of having. I was going to stay team green and have my partner announce the gender of our baby to me at birth. I also had decided this would be my last baby for good. I began to envision this life with this child. I felt strongly and deeply in my heart it was a little girl. My heart was overjoyed.

July 14, 2020 we had our first ultrasound scan. We measured 6 weeks! Our baby had a heartbeat, 108 bpm. Everything looked normal. They scheduled us for a follow up scan for two weeks later. During those two weeks I experienced some nausea, my tests were still blazing positive. I craved foods and I was tired. But I was happy.

July 31, 2020 I should have been 8 weeks 3 days. We would see an even bigger baby with an even stronger heartbeat! I couldn’t wait, I had looked forward to this day so much. But when we did the scan my heart sunk. I am not an expert by no means but I’ve had enough babies and scans to know what we should have seen and we were not seeing that. The nurse said it was inconclusive. But I knew, I knew it wasn’t inconclusive. I knew my baby was gone. Taken from me. Why? What had I done wrong? I didn’t drink or do drugs. I took my prenatal vitamins every night before bed.

I came out to the car and burst into tears. Barely able to speak. I was a blubbering mess. My boyfriend was in denial. He didn’t want to believe it. He wanted a second opinion. My body didn’t warn me. It gave me no indication that something was wrong. It still believed it was pregnant. Why oh why? By Monday I began spotting pink. I knew my body was finally beginning to realize what had happened, that we lost the baby. It’s funny people say lost the baby, as if I somehow misplaced it. I didn’t lose it. Where did it go?

Tuesday I saw my old OB who had delivered my other babies. She remained optimistic. She drew blood. She wanted to check my hcg count before proceeding. The next day, Wednesday, August 5, 2020 my Dr called. My hcg count was 2500, that’s normal for a 6 week pregnancy. I knew then my baby had stopped developing right after that first scan. My pink spotting was beginning to turn more red and a bit more heavy.

That night around 7 PM I began bleeding uncontrollably. I was getting blood all over myself and my bathroom. My four year old was scared repeatedly asking me if I was okay. I assured him I would be okay. I finished making dinner, feeding my kiddos and bathing everyone and getting them off to bed. At that point I was soaking a pad in less than an hour. I tried to shower, to get blood off me, but blood poured out of me. It was like a scene from a horror film. I began passing clots. Some were as big as my hands. I started feeling weak, dizzy and faint. Any time I stood I would see spots and darkness. I knew this wasn’t normal.

My boyfriend had to leave for work. He works the overnight shift. Fortunately my mom was here. I hadn’t even announced my pregnancy yet but I had the unfortunate experience of having to explain to her what was going on. As I crawled my way out of the shower trying to dress myself with blood still running down my legs, my mom petrified, she called 911.

The ambulance rushed me to the hospital. My blood pressure remained stable. My heart was pounding against my chest, it was in a state of tachycardia. My hemoglobin levels were low at a 10. The nurse assigned to me immediately set up an IV, took blood and urine. The ER doctor said my hcg levels were now at 1700, they were definitely going down. Another ultrasound scan confirmed the pregnancy was no longer viable. At that point the doctor felt comfortable administering me medication to help with the cramping and bleeding.

They did a pelvic exam. The ER doctor gently used a speculum to open me up and used forceps to remove clots, lots of clots. Once he believed he had gotten them all he could get to my ER nurse took wipes and began cleaning my legs and feet for me. My bleeding began to slow down. My heart rate was still high though. Even after IV fluids my hemoglobin levels had gone down another 2 points. They wanted me to stay overnight, they talked about a possible D&C and blood transfusion.

But I couldn’t stay. My boyfriend at work, my grandma refusing to help and my mom having her own health issues (osteoarthritis & fibromyalgia) I had to make it home to my other kids. I sadly had to sign myself out of the hospital against medical advice. At 2 in the morning I waited for my Uber to take me home. I sat in the backseat of someone’s car wearing the pants I came to the hospital in, soaked and stained with blood. Praying that I didn’t bleed on their seat and get charged a cleaning fee.

I made it home. Shortly afterward my four month old awakened, I went to make him a bottle, feeling weak and dizzy again, I sat on my kitchen floor trying to regain my composure and ability to walk and stand. While sitting there, my heart pounding out of my chest and sounds slowly fading out I blacked out and fainted. I awoke after smacking my forehead and elbow into the high chair and my mom jumping up as quickly as I had ever seen her move in months, crying she said “You fell, you passed out.” I laid on the floor crying and telling her I couldn’t finish making the bottle. My mom made it and gave it to my baby for me.

I forced myself to eat and drink water. Still feeling weak I dragged myself to bed and slept. I woke up the next day feeling tired, my body sore, still a little shaky and weak but somehow I survived. I was lucky. I didn’t need the blood transfusion after all. Somehow my body pulled through on its own, maybe with some help from God or my guardian angel.

I called my Dr office and informed them I miscarried. They said they were sorry for my loss. My Dr will do blood draws every week until my hcg levels return to 0. Then they will know my body did the work of emptying the uterus of all the contents of this pregnancy. My body let go, but my heart is another story.

Physically I know I will heal. This physically pain won’t last forever. There will come a day when my bleeding stops all together. My body will feel great. But my heart doesn’t know better. My heart doesn’t want to let go, it wasn’t ready to say goodbye, when we never even got the chance to say hello.

Emotionally I feel like I’m being tortured, I feel like I’m living a nightmare. I don’t know why this happened to me. I will never have answers. I’m angry with God, why would he take my baby from me? I’m angry with my body for failing me. I want my baby back, but I know that won’t ever happen.

Last night I laid on the floor of my bathtub while water streamed down me from the shower head. I wasn’t even interested in showering. It was just somewhere to go to escape. I put on a strong front all day for my mom and kids but in the shower I cry. I allow the grief to wash over me and the water drowns out my tears. Those gut wrenching, soul crushing, tears, the kind that makes your nose snot up and you feel the lump in your throat and you can literally feel your heart breaking. I prayed to God harder than I ever have before. I prayed for strength. I prayed for comfort and peace. I prayed for understanding. I prayed that God mend my broken heart.

It’s a rollercoaster of emotions honestly. I’m terrified of ever becoming pregnant again. What if this happens again? I don’t know if I can bear this pain again. This pain is unbearable. It’s a pain and emptiness I wouldn’t wish even upon my worst enemy. I know if there ever is a next time I will spend that entire pregnancy in fear. Fear of becoming attached and losing another baby. I never thought it would or could happen to me until it did and now here I am. 1 in 4 is not just a statistic. I am that 1 in 4. And it’s truly heartbreaking. My dreams are shattered. This has got to be the most traumatic experience of my life ever.

On the other side never becoming pregnant again envelopes me in fear as well. What if I become infertile after this? What if I’m never able to achieve pregnancy again? I want my rainbow baby someday. I know my heart will never fully heal until I have my rainbow baby nestled safely in my arms. The thing is I don’t know when/if that will ever happen for me. And so I sit and wait in this limbo of emotional turmoil. Even a rainbow baby would never replace this angel baby of mine. I will always hold onto this sadness to some degree. It will never just go away, I will never stop talking about and remembering my baby. There will never be another day I live that I don’t think of my baby and all the what ifs.

I’m triggered by the foods I ate while pregnant. I’m triggered by the births of healthy newborns and others announcing their pregnancies. Why do they get to keep their baby but I didn’t get to keep mine? That sounds selfish. But it feels unfair. It is unfair. Nothing about this is right or okay. I randomly cry throughout the day, silently.

I don’t even know the gender of my baby. I submitted my ultrasound scan to the Ramzi theory group; 3 boy guesses and 2 girl guesses. I will never know until someday I get to meet my baby in Heaven and hold my baby in my arms. I hope my baby is safe and healthy and happy in the arms of Jesus right now. I hope my baby knows I loved them so so much and wanted them more than anything in this world. I would do anything to have you sweet baby with me again.

This is my story. This is miscarriage. This is what it feels like. There is no simple way of explaining it. I’m part of a special group of women that now have their very own and very special angel watching over them. I will never forget you. In my heart you live forever. Until we meet again...

Positive Pregnancy Test: 06/27/2020

First Ultrasound: 07/14/2020 108 bpm 💓

My Due Date: 03/09/2021

My Miscarriage Date: 08/05/2020

It was such a short time with you but I fell in love with you from the very start and I’ll never stop loving you with every beat of my heart.

“An angel opened the book of life and wrote down my baby’s birth. Then whispered softly as she closed the book, Too beautiful for Earth.”

Fly high angel baby 👼 Mommy loves you 💕

[anneedmonds]

Ruth Tries Trends: Leggings Worn As Trousers

This trend is just an epic no-no for me, right from the start, but now that it is apparently acceptable to wear leggings as proper, meet-the-public outerwear, I have to give it a try. It’s the law.

Why on earth anyone would want to expose their lycra-encased lower half to all and sundry, in normal everyday situations, I have no idea. But it’s happening. All over town (and country) I see people doing everyday things – like filling their cars with petrol and picking up satsumas from the supermarket – wearing leggings as outerwear.

It’s like my worst recurring nightmare; realising that I’m in a public place and that I’m basically naked from the waist down. Because in leggings, you’re pretty close to naked, aren’t you? I mean there’s nowhere to hide when you’re in leggings – or “workout tights” – not only do they cling to every peak and trough, the gusset seam always like to try and do a disappearing act up the nearest handy and willing crevice.

To me, walking about in leggings-as-outwear (and by this I mean with bottom and front bottom regions fully on display, not covered by tunic or long t-shirt) is akin to waking up on a busy street and realising you’re in a swimsuit that’s too short in the body, and that you have great thackets of pube poking out on either side of your gusset and that your erect nipples are badly misaligned. (At pilates the other day I realised that one nipple had become trapped “up high” and the other one had been squashed “down low” so that it looked as though I’d randomly dropped two M&Ms down my top. There must have been a three or four inch height discrepancy.)

Why is there a sudden need to parade our lycra-clad pudendas? Display to the world our exact – to really quite an astounding degree of detail – gynaecological anatomy? It is all beyond me, yet I went out – for research purposes – into the big wide world, wearing just workout leggings on my bottom half, to see what all of the fuss was about. Would the comfiness of the leggings (not as comfy as tracksuit bottoms so already they’re losing) override my innate fear of being, to all intents and purposes, semi-nude in public?

I’ll admit I’m biased on this one. Because I find it bad enough wearing leggings in the gym – one downward dog, or whatever it’s called, and anyone behind you can pretty much ascertain whether you’ve a) had children yet, b) had third degree tears giving birth and c) how well the surgeon did the stitches. Not to be crude (OK, it’s crude) but if you’re wearing leggings – or exercise tights – then the people you’re stretching in front of are probably getting to see, more freely and in better lighting, much more of your genitalia than any of your sexual partners have ever enjoyed.

All that’s between them and your lady bits and all-humans-bit is a thin piece of breathable fabric that – due to its sheen – actually serves to accentuate various contours rather than conceal them from view. As the observer, all you need do is squint and add a few curly bits of hair (or not) and you can just about visualise the real deal.

Not that I spend my time doing that, I hasten to add – fellow exercisers of Somerset, you are safe with me! – it’s just that I’ve been giving this a lot of thought. Perhaps I’m becoming more prudish with age, maybe I need to get with the times and praise the vagina (VULVA!) and be #grateful that we are in a place and era where we can be free with our bodies and worship them for all of the great things they have done for us, etc etc, add more Insta-clichés at will, or maybe I just need to grow up. But that’s never going to happen…

Now look, I’m not a total tool – I realise that showcasing the old creasey/wrinkly parts when you’re in the exercise zone is part and parcel of the experience. It’s like swimming pools and beaches, you’re all in the same boat and there’s a general acceptance of attire and the knowledge that you’re going to probably see more than a few man sausages tightly ensconced in budgie smugglers…

…sometimes really close to your face, because you pull yourself out of the pool right into the lap of an older gentleman who’s sitting on the edge, about to get in. (The real reason I haven’t gone swimming in a public pool for about ten years.)

Where was I? Totally distracted by that particular memory. Nothing like a chlorine-scented packet in your face. I think I also might have briefly laid my head in his lap too, because I had to do a weird about-turn and I’m not particularly great at swimming or manoeuvring myself in water. I may have panicked. It’s possible that I almost drowned trying to get away at speed and swallowing vast volumes of pool water.

Anyway, yes I do realise that certain scenarios (exercise, cyclists’ nights out, Club 18-30 parties) involve the mandatory sheathing of body parts in elastane-rich fabrics, it’s the public wearing of these items, the voluntary donning of leggings in non-exercise-related pursuits, that confuses me.

So leggings as outwear then – how did I get on with exposing my tightly sheathed flesh mounds to the public? I have to be honest here: I only just made it through the car park at Babington House, which is where I do my gym classes. (Lucky me, I know, but it’s my nearest anything, including place to eat, drinking hole, swimming pool.) (Not that I’m trying to justify going to a chi-chi luxury resort for my pilates class, but I don’t want to sound as though I’m name-dropping. I just feel the need to mention that it’s Babington House because there’s a certain risk factor with it that you wouldn’t get with most other car parks. The chance that the Beckhams might be sauntering through the wooded grounds, for example, or that a mega-famous rockstar (can’t name names, apparently it’s all sacred and secret – I just guessed at the Beckhams so that’s allowed) might be parking his battered old Landrover.

Anyway, I crossed the car park feeling for all the world like someone who had forgotten to put trousers on, which in effect, I had, and VERY aware that I was showing my entire arse like a randy baboon. And I was also very aware of the people getting in and out of their vehicles all around me. I don’t know which was worse; the mother shielding the baby’s eyes with a gasp of horror as I scuttled by – “it’s OK Jeremiah, the lady is unwell!” – or the rather dishy man in the Porsche who quite literally hurled himself back into his car from his half-ejected position lest we cross paths.

I was like a giant tadpole in my shiny black leggings; my bottom being the bulk of the ‘pole and my legs the tail. Inexplicably, the designer of said leggings (they’re not the ones pictured, by the way) had decided to put three faux-zips onto the hip area – two at the front, one on the left cheek. Why have zipped pockets anyway, on fitness leggings – what are you going to keep in there, your aura? the key to the meaning of life? – but more to the point, why have zipped pockets that don’t actually function as pockets? Therefore are just zips sewn into the fabric? Utterly bizarre.

The zips just served to emphasise how unsuitable the leggings were as outerwear – there was no front pocket for my small change, no back pocket for temporary iPhone storage. I could feel an actual breeze in my private places as I hurried along, my thighs made a strange shusshing sound as the slinky fabric chaffed back and forth and – weirdly – in all of my embarrassed panic I forgot how to walk in a properly upright position. Knowing that my bottom was on full show, I tried to pull it inwards, but then it felt as though I was walking too straight, like John Cleese, so I went the other way but overcompensated, hunching forwards and possibly looking like someone who had lost all control of their faculties.

So my verdict on this trend is: I wouldn’t. Leggings, for me, are for the indoors, or they are for scenarios when everyone else is wearing leggings. Legging conventions, gyms, legging fetish groups. In most other places, it’s just too much information. Maybe I’m being old and fuddy duddy about this, but I just don’t want to see other people’s vulvas when I’m trying to get to the last tin of Kidney Beans on the bottom shelf at Sainsbury’s.

Actually maybe it is an age thing. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have even thought about leggings fifteen years ago – and I once wore a leotard over tights (with thigh high S&M boots) to a respectable fancy dress party (I was Barbarella) so I can’t really talk. Nevertheless: discuss. Leggings as trousers – with bottom area fully exposed – yes or no? Acceptable or a trend gone bad?

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