#i literally tried to make this post several months ago but just couldn't. got too ashamed about being this way.

[hellyeahsickaf]

Another link to ME/CFS and fibro I can't stop thinking about is one I heard from my old therapist. I mean it's a link I've seen in just about everyone I've personally met with a dissociative disorder

I don't talk about having DID (I will likely continue not to because I feel cringe when I do) but she treated me along with many other patients with it, and other dissociative disorders.

And one day I'm talking about something related to my disabilities. She goes "I was wondering, yknow I don't know much about CFS or fibro but are they specifically linked to dissociative disorders that you're aware of?" and I mention something about ACEs scores and the link between trauma and chronic illnesses. I ramble, I couldn't tell you what I said lmao

I asked why and she said "well it's just that all of my patients with your disorder have CFS, fibro, or both. Sometimes other things too. But not just some or half of them, all of them. I started wondering what that's about, but I couldn't find any specific study on it or anything"

Like I found it super interesting to hear directly from a therapist that treats it and attests that 100% of the patients she's treated with it had the same disabilities. So I guess I just hope that potential link gets studied more extensively sometime

[2amriize]

hiii can u do bsf riize obliviously in love with bsfreader !!

˚⟡˖ when he is obliviously in love with you— RIIZE

ᡣ𐭩 masterlist

genre fluff

pairing bsf!riize x bsf!reader

ᯓ★ SHOTARO

You could tell Shotaro was in love with you by the way he always tried to make you laugh. He would always try to cheer you up, and he’d be especially concerned when he saw you feeling down or sad. He’d show up at your house with your favorite food and a small plush toy—one of the many he had already given you as part of your growing collection. Then, the two of you would settle on your couch, and he would put his arm around your shoulder.

"You know I'll always be by your side, right?"

ᯓ★ EUNSEOK

He would always have his eyes on you. Everyone could tell that whenever you were around, he couldn't stop looking at you, always with a small smile on his face. He would practically treat you like his girlfriend. He’d stand on the side of the road if you were walking together, put his hand on your waist if there were a lot of people around, and buy things that reminded him of you. You found it very cute that he did these kinds of things for you, but since he never asked you out, you thought he was just being (very) nice to you.

ᯓ★ SUNGCHAN

It was kind of obvious with Sungchan by the way he was super protective of you. He always wanted to accompany you to parties and keep an eye on you so no strange guy would approach you. Or rather, so no guy in general would approach you. More than protective, he couldn’t stand it when a guy started talking to you, so he’d always end up coming over to say, "y/n, I need to talk to you," just to pull you aside and then say, "oh, I forgot what I wanted to say..."

ᯓ★ WONBIN

He would blush. He’d blush and get a bit shy every time you were around. Even though you had known each other for years and talked almost every day, he couldn’t help but let out the occasional nervous laugh whenever he was with you. He also tended to send you a lot of messages, something he didn’t do with anyone else.

"Oh, that character looks like you. It’s really cute," he’d say every time he saw a character he found adorable.

ᯓ★ SEUNGHAN

I feel like Seunghan would be quite direct, so it confused you a lot. You had been friends for years, but a few months ago, the way he treated you had changed. You realized it one day when you were walking around your neighborhood while having ice cream. You were basically wearing your pajamas, with a sweatshirt on top in case it got cold, but Seunghan couldn’t stop looking at you. Suddenly, he took out his phone and snapped a picture of you while smiling.

“What are you doing, Seunghan? Delete that, I’m literally in pajamas.”

“Wow, you’re literally an angel. I think I’ll make this my wallpaper…”

ᯓ★ SOHEE

Sohee had always been cheerful and playful with you, and he loved teasing you. But lately, his personality when you were together had changed a bit. Now, every time you were close to him, you could sense a subtle tension in the air, a mix of nervousness and something else you hadn’t felt before. There were also many awkward silences, and you had caught him staring at you several times. His gestures had changed too. It was now more common for him to offer you his jacket when it was cold. Recently, he had even made you a playlist titled "To My Soulmate."

ᯓ★ ANTON

Oh… You could tell, but from his posts and reposts. He wouldn’t stop talking about how much he liked someone, that he couldn’t stop thinking about someone, etc., etc. But whenever you asked him who he was talking about, he’d ignore the subject or simply say, "Oh, just a girl I know," while avoiding your gaze, which made it even more obvious. Plus, everyone kept telling you how Anton would always talk about you to everyone when you weren’t around.

“I wish y/n was here…”

ᡣ𐭩 masterlist

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am I the asshole for not noticing I hurt my friend's feelings?

I (24F) had a somewhat close friend (24F) whom I've known since highschool but only got closer to recently. I've had a friend crush on her forever and apparently she did too. We share a lot of interests and we're both neurodivergent (I'm diagnosed with adhd, and we're almost certain she has autism). We also sort of bonded over a shared trauma -- basically we got two-timed several years ago by a really abusive asshole.

Anyway something happened a couple of months ago and I feel our friendship has gone downhill since then. It was multiple occasions really: what would happen is that I would say something impulsively, and she would misinterpret it and get sensitive about it, we talk it out, I apologize, and we move on. But one time it was a bit too much that i burst into tears while texting her because I felt I really hurt her and I felt that all my friendships will go downhill because whenever I get comfortable with someone I just completely lose my filter and end up hurting them. What happened that day was that we were hanging out and a guy apparently told her something sexist but I didn't hear him. She came to me to complain and I sort of brushed it off because from the way she said it happened it just seemed he was vaguely pointing out something but I later understood that I was just wrong. Then her dress had a tiny hole which I pointed out to her in front of my boyfriend rather impulsively and she got really upset about that. Later on I was telling her about a book I'd read that had great autism representation that didn't have the character just be -- and here I did the dinosaur arms thing (no offense whatsoever to people who do that; I know full well it's a common thing, I was just saying the character had more to him than just that). The problem is that she didn't hear the part where I was talking about a book character because we were changing tables in a crowded cafe and I was just talking non-stop because that's what I do and she thought I just did the dinosaur arms out of nowhere and got offended but didn't say so except over text later and just looked unwell for the rest of the next half hour before she suddenly excused herself and left. That day she texted me about all of these things and we talked it out and I pretended that I was not literally having a meltdown all while apologizing (but not before I tried to plead my case a bit). This all happened on the same day, but before that there were other occasions too. One time she would be talking about something, then I change the subject, then she'd say I know you didn't mean to but I wanted you to give a reply to what I just said. Another time we had a particularly bad exam which I did okay on, but she was telling about how she botched it. I couldn't tell from her face how serious it was and I gave her what i thought was a sympathetic smile (which she later told me was a weird smile) because I really didn't know what to say and then turned away to look for my boyfriend to check on him as well. She told me that day that she felt that I brushed her off when she was having a difficult time and didn't console her enough.

It's just multiple things that made me feel that I need to be more on guard around her for her sake. She moved to another city recently and even before that we were texting less and less. I even asked her if she was upset about the cafe day and she said no since I apologized and we talked it out, but I could feel something in our relationship changed. It just felt like such a shame because I felt a great connection between us and I have massive difficulties when it comes to making friends. She was sort of my last friend that I felt close to aside from my boyfriend, and now I can't help thinking that the problem has always been me.

Sorry if the post was too long and sorry for the sob story lol

[cordeliawhohung]

Pup anon here, there’s just some backstory and yapping on this one followed up by a really sweet moment w him

It's definitely been a few days, I'll probably send different asks because I'll yap a lot lol, let's start with my job, I'm an OF manager, I edit the videos, the pictures, sometimes record the content, I manage the posts, the stories, the PPV, the sells, the lives, answer the texts, literally everything that goes down, I've worked with girls from several countries, but the last few months I worked with two from mine besides my usual girl that I've been working with for like two years now, they have huge platforms, like HUGE, so I said why not? that'll make me good money, boy did I know. One of them didn't work out, she wasn't mean or anything, but she wanted me to work every day from like 7 am to 12 pm for $160 every two weeks while I was making her thousands of dollars so that clearly didn't work out, with the third girl I was making good money, a lot, between all of them I was getting money like every week and a half, I always had money and living the good life, but the third girl was mean af, she always fucked something up and then called me to yell at me and call me names and to tell me to fix it up and that it was my fault (even if I wasn’t even working at the moment) at one point it became unbearable and I said nah we're done, now I'm just working with the usual one, she's an angel and I'm still making a good living.

Anyway, I'm autistic (this all sounds like a whole mess of information but I promise that it'll make sense) so it has never been easy for me to make friends since I was little, someone could be straight up bullying me and I would realize like a month later, and until today it stays the same lmao, but a few years ago I made some friends, never had problems with them, just one girl that we broke contact with like a year ago and she asked for forgiveness this year and everything went back to normal, in that meantime when we weren't talking to her me and the other girl became really close, like always together every single day, in that time my mom got cancer, she passed away a few months ago and even in that she was always there, that night she came to the hospital like at 12 am after my mom passed away for me to not be alone, spent the night at my house and helped me clean it after days on sleeping on the hospital, ordered food, etc, and even after that girl rejoined we stayed the same, I struggle way too much with expressing my affection with words, and she hates physical touch, so I was always giving her gifts to try to express it, we were always going out, exploring new places, having fun and I payed for everything, but when I ended up with just one job I couldn't do that anymore and she magically went back to being close to the other girl, always being at her house, not answering my texts anymore, she magically had money to spend with her but with me she never had any and we literally spent like two months without seeing each other (we live 5 minutes away) but she was always travelling to see the other girl so of course I got sad, felt conflicted because as I said earlier she hasn't been a bad friend, but of course the whole situation was hurting, on top of it I had been under a lot of stress, I had been sick a few days prior, my mom's birthday is coming up in a few days,I had an argument with my brother, my ex from a few years ago was leaking some old pics so yeah I just reached my limit at the time, I was (am) feeling a little used, I tried to talk with her about it but she brushed it off and simply said that I was misunderstanding and went back to keep being like that so I was sad and curled up in a ball for a few days, I didn't even check the phone, nothing, so here finally comes the main part lmao, I wasn't texting him back or asking him to meet or anything

He decided to come knock on my door after a few days, said that he was worried that something had happened to me or that he made something to upset me, when I opened it I was a mess, and as soon as he asked me if something was wrong I cried lol, couldn't even say anything so he just picked me up, closed the door and took me to the couch and sat me on his lap, letting me just cry and hug him, running his hand on my back, rocking me, kissing my head, after a while I finally told him what happened while still sniffling I looked awfulllllllll, he just listened to me, (the problem with my ex magically resolver itself, i’m not planning on asking) kissed my face and told me to go take a warm bath, I did, when I came out he had my favorite food ready, my favorite tv show ready, my favorite snacks, my cats snuggled up on the couch, a bat plushie, I don't even know where he got all that in an hour but I cried again lol, we spent the rest of the day / night together and he slept in for the first time, it was really sweet, we slept cuddled up with my cats, had breakfast together, still feels unreal

putting your other ask underneath the cut that way i can keep it all together for my brain

Now here’s the nasty stuff lol After all of that, that same next day he told me that he rented us an Airbnb on the mountain on a forest that I love for a few days, (I live in a very rural country, there's nature literally everywhere you look, but that forest it's just unreal with waterfalls and everything) Those were the best days of my whole life, the cabin was beautiful, it had a balcony on the room facing a river, it was just amazing, the first days I spent them getting calm and relaxed again, walking with him, watching animals, TV, anything, one of those nights we were kissing and stuff and after a while I was begging him to let me suck him off, I was dying to do that, I wanted to see, to everything, and he finally agreed, that ended up in me learning to deep throat a dick that was the size of my head, crying, a mess of drool, he made me ride his boot while I did it (that was the condition for him to let me) he talked about getting me a collar, of how pretty of a pet I would make, that I was made to just be dotted on and taken care of, that he would do just that, so many things that I can't even remember because my brain was all mush and not a single thought (I don't know how much to elaborate on it because I'm nervous that it'll be too much lmao, what a thing to be nervous about in a smut blog) I begged for him to fuck me but he told me that I wasn't ready for that yet, that he still needed to test my limits a little more, see how far he could go, get me ready for other things, etc, he did fuck my thighs and now I'm scared of fucking bc tell me why that thing reached my belly button, He also made me ride his face which I was terrified of but ended up being heaven, he spanked me, said he wanted to test how much I could take of it since I was begging so much for him to be rough, ended up in me once again crying, shaking, unable to stand from my jelly legs and the pain on them but hey I took it like a champ even if it was hurting like a bitch every single second and I still have bruises, I enjoyed that more than I thought I would and now he's agreeing to be a little rougher with me. When we went back home we went to my apartment to pick up some things that he left there, I was missing my cats so much, my brother had been feeding them and playing with them while I was gone, but tell me why I open the door and one of the little bastards goes straight past me while I'm saying hi to the others and goes to nuzzle on his leg? That was straight up betrayal. But to end this update and besides it, I just wanted to say that I read every single thing that you post and I wish that I could find the words to explain how your works make me feel, every single word that you write simply makes the most ethereal thing I have ever read, just leaves me with my mouth hanging every time, I had no idea that reading something could make me feel the things that are being described, to actually get immersed into it, your dark fics / series are like heaven to me, every single one of your works is, thank you for the simple fact of existing in the same timeline as me (And never be afraid of calling for me for updates, I sometimes forget, but for you I’ll become an entity that you can just summon on your blog every time you want)

--

okay first off, holy shit you've had a lot going on alsdkjf i'm so so sorry to hear about that weird stuff with your friend, situations like that is always so crazy complicated! like you have the right to be upset but you're right it's so hard to like, explain why you're hurting at the same time ): and i'm so sorry to hear about your mom. loss is so insanely difficult to deal with, and it always gets extra heavy around anniversaries like that too but i'm so glad he seemed to notice!!! (we gotta give him like, a code name to call him by or something lmfao) that's so crazy sweet of him to come over and check on you and be there for you, to like, make that effort. to not just be like "oh well she's not messaging me out of the blue fuck her i guess" but to ensure that you were alright )))): also, major green flag that he loves the cats and the cats love him haha.

AS FOR YOUR SECOND ASK-

girlllllll his pet kink is going WILD i fucking love that for you. wanting to collar you and everything oh my god. also, idk if this is just me personally, but it's like such a green flag imo when guys don't wanna have straight up sex right away. like just that anticipation and wanting to get comfortable? idk there's something about it and i love that for you so much. and it sounds like you're figuring out your a masochist a little bit LMFAO ( i get it i'm a bruise kink girly myself too) also don't be worried about like, sharing too much like whatever you are comfortable with of course! but the CATS DARTING PAST YOU oh the traitor. you're stronger than i am, i would've sobbed on the spot. but omg the fact he was like "let's get her out of the house to relax' is so crazy sweet of him ):

and you're crazy sweet ): i'm so glad you enjoy the works and i'm so glad to be able to interact with you like this! i feel like we are just like. sharing our dms with the world or something LMFAO i'm making you my familiar now, you're officially a cat in my mind i'll shake the box of treats to summon you lmfao. but eek! thank you so much for the update. so sorry to hear you were having a shitty time but i'm glad you have someone there to support and care for you (: (truly living your best Y/N dream lmao)

[arenee1999]

I thought I had found something special in OFMD and its fandom.

There have been characters through the years that I've identified with in a fairly superficial way. Studious, likes to read, awkward, lonely, bullied -- and my list of favorite characters paints a rather revealing portrait. But then I found Our Flag Means Death and I found myself identifying with multiple characters in a deep, visceral way that I have never had before. And I found a fandom full of people that felt the same way.

Then the darker side of the fandom began making itself known. Close minded, racist, homophobic, puritanical twats. The canyon that despises Ed and Stede, the gentlebeardies that despise Izzy. All of the people treating Rhys, Taika and Con like dogshit and treating your fellow fans even worse.

And yet, through that many of us still managed to love the show, the characters, the cast and crew and each other.

Then, right when literally everyone was expecting a renewal announcement we were told it was cancelled. Many of us fell into depression. We rallied as best we could to fight for our show. But we were still left reeling.

That same day one of my only friends (and the only one I could talk to about anything)  stopped talking to me. But I pushed that to the side and spent all my energy on the fandom, on Xitter, posting and talking and making as much noise as possible with everyone else.

Then March came around we got that announcement. Despite our efforts and a large portion of the industry on our side, we weren't going to see anything come of our efforts. At least not for the foreseeable future. Long term has yet to be decided, but short term there's no hope. Many of us that had been holding our depression at bay with frantic activity, crashed, hard. Some of us were still able to find solace in the fandom. Our love of the show hasn't diminished after all. So we reinvest in what made us love the show from the start and we let it heal us once again as best it can.

I'm one of the ones that crashed. And I was left with no one to talk to. I held myself together for awhile but eventually began to spiral. Tried pushing away everything because if I don't feel anything it won't hurt as much. I had made rather startling progress on extricating my last couple hyperfixations. And I was rapidly becoming dangerously, severely depressed. Then a month and a half ago I find out why my friend suddenly stopped talking to me. Apparently I talked about OFMD too much and he just couldn't handle it. I was simultaneously too much and not enough. And as I was suddenly and violently smacked in the face with a wave of despair, I dug around to figure out what pulled me out of the last few bouts of heavy depression I suffered. Because fuck knows, I was in desperate need of something. Turns out the last two times it was Taika (both directly and indirectly with Thor Ragnarok and OFMD) and before that it was HP fanfiction (for 10 years HP fic kept me mostly stable and functioning). Which explains entirely why my depression kept getting worse by leaps and bounds as I was in the process of purging all of that from myself as much as possible. So I took a good hard look around and decided my mental health was more important than protecting someone else's feelings. I immediately quit trying to unravel my core psyche and personality and was just starting to reach something resembling functional.

And now the fandom has once again erupted into puritanical, homophobic bigotry and hatred. And I'm finding myself shutting down. The joy I was just starting to find again in this fandom is gone. I see nothing but ash and dust. Even the clips of Ed and Stede's first kiss, that usually bring an immediate swell of joy, leaves me feeling nothing but numb.

If you are that full of hatred for an aspect of the show, be it a character, a pairing, a plot point, a cast or crew member, keep it to your fucking selves. Create closed groups, communities, discords etc. with the rest of the hate filled "fans" and spew your garbage where those of us that are here for what we love can't fucking see it. We do not need to be splashed with the muck from your cesspit.

Better yet, listen to DJenks -

[weepylucifer]

i try to keep it light n breezy on here, but i think i need to write some shit down somewhere. so here is a dreary little tale

so in august of last year, i had covid. it felt like a two-week-long flu, but then it was over. a year ago FUCKING PRECISELY, the Problems started. i went to multiple doctors, but no one paid me any attention, and i was told not to make a fuss, everyone was having post-covid these days, and it'd all go away by itself. further, in a breathtaking display of shittiness, my dad told me to stop being selfish and burden my mother (who, after all, has actual problems!) and himself with my shit. so i gave up. i tried to go on with my life as if nothing had happened, to get a job and finish college, and hoped that the Problems would indeed go away by themselves.

since then i have sat by and watched my body get weaker and weaker and it scared the shit out of me, but there was literally no one who would listen to me or believe me. i lost what little endurance i started out with until i couldn't make the 10-minute walk to the grocery store without almost passing out. i did faint in the grocery store, actually, and i just went home and told no one bc they would have just told me it was my fault, that if i exercised, or kept a proper sleep schedule, or what the fuck ever, i would be in the bloom of my health. for a year now, randomly, my heartbeat goes weird. i started getting dizzy spells out of nowhere with no apparent cause. i live alone. i was frightened all of the time of the day i'd just not manage to take care of myself anymore. i was convinced that if i asked my friends or boyfriend for help, they'd believe i was lying too. i had no idea what was going on with my body. post-covid can, it looks like right now, manifest any fucking symptom ever, which means it could also be anything else.

because the dizziness was getting so dire i barely dared to leave the house anymore, i decided to try seeing my gp again. this time they discovered i'm so fucking anemic it's like a dracula stole half my blood away. after i was Urged to go to the hospital, i arrived at an ER bursting with people and naturally presumed i'd have to hang around for a couple hours, but after i showed them my blood test results i was absolutely Rushed into observation. i got an iron transfusion and am on several new meds as of last week.

today there was an article in the paper (yeah, my parents still subscribe to the local paper) on the one dude in this area who treats post-covid. it lists every symptom that i have. it also says that apparently somehow covid fucks with whatever it is that makes red blood vessels. this could have been explained to me a year ago. it wasn't. i had to let it get exceedingly bad to be deemed worthy of help. that doctor doesn't even have a solution yet. just "eat beets, take walks, and exercise a bit but not too much". i still took the article and put it in my journal bc it's the first thing i've seen in a year that has validated me.

so here i am. my health is in the toilet. i am an absolute twitching anxious mess. even if everything goes perfectly with the new meds (which it rarely does for anyone, does it) it may take weeks or even months until i get to just feel normal again. i still get dizzy every day. sometimes i have a hard time focusing on reading or writing. i can't work. i can't do anything strenuous for fear of passing out. i'm staying with my parents because i'm not sure, if i went back to my apartment, if i could manage to keep myself alive. i haven't seen my boyfriend in weeks. there are friends i'm not meeting, ladies i'm not going on dates with, parties and other events that i'm missing. every time i have to text someone saying i'm not well enough to go out quite yet, i'm afraid they'll get tired of my shit and stop contacting me. my life is basically on hold until further notice.

and there are still people who have been hit way worse by post-covid than me. i am at least not bedridden, and i still have my sense of smell and taste, and it seems like my symptoms can be improved. i'm not saying this to self-flagellate, i'm saying it because it's ludicrous how callously the whole disease gets treated. people want covid as a whole out of sight and out of mind so that we can all be such productive little cogs in the capitalist machine and act like the pandemic is over. tons of people are still catching it. others will never be the same from the aftereffects of it, and there straight up is no cure for that. like what is fucking wrong with us as a world that we consider that acceptable collateral damage. for what, even? just so that we can continue avoiding taking stock of the current episteme that Does Not fucking work for most of us in the first place? just so that somewhere, for the gratification of someone, line go up? why was it so important for us, a year or so ago, to reestablish this figment of normalcy when, again, what was normal was already not working out?

[lovejosephquinn]

Warning: DV Mention...

Okay story time based on my mood, I figured it out. This is really personal shit so if you aren't interested please keep scrolling, it's a shit thing for me to talk about even years on, it haunts me in my sleep still and I just need to get it out.

So about 8 years ago I suffered a really shitty physical and mentally abusive relationship, for almost 2 years I went out of my head thinking and believing that I was the problem.

It started off as mental abuse, something I've always been against but got myself into. It started off well, but people grew concerned when I was literally being bought expensive things for no reason at all and taken out at least 2 nights a week, controlled on what I wore, what I ate and what I did with my friends.

He got kicked out of his mum's house and I took him into MY parents house without even asking, keeping him there for the week as I didn't want to see him go without. I didn't know where he lived, he lied to me about that for a year and a half, then I found out when he lied about the address he had on his ID which he left over at mine by accident, he made excuses but he eventually took me there. It took me a year to even meet his mum. She never knew I existed.

So all of this time I was getting cheated on by my ex boyfriend with several different women, one who he eventually had a 6 month affair on, then when I caught him out he told me that I was insane. It sent me mental always looking through his phone (which I have never done with any other previous relationship) just to see if there was something else I could find.

Eventually it became physically abusive. The first night it happened was after a night out with him and his friend, we were walking back to my house and because I wouldn't have sex with him out in a public area, he dragged me into a dark alley and made me do it. When I cried after he pushed me into a thorn bush right next to us and took a picture of my scratched up arms, posting it on social media, making out that I fell in it myself and when my mum questioned me, he didn't let me answer, he told her I was way too drunk and again, fell in.

It got worse. He got me pregnant, I found out when I was about 13 weeks and although I wanted to keep it since I'm against termination, he threatened that he would take it out of me himself if I didn't do something about it, punched my stomach and I miscarried.

I seeked help. I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and offered medication but I declined, because I knew I was stronger than that. I ended up lying to him constantly, not telling him where I was because I didn't want him to kick off. Sleeping with other people when I was with him just so I could feel something happy at the time. I broke another person's heart because of him.

He went on holiday with his friends and I couldn't get a hold of him one night, his friend answered his phone eventually and another girl was in bed with him. I overdosed that night. He told me good and that I'm not worthy of being alive.

He still proceeded to buy me everything, call me a gold digger and psychopath to his friends yet he was the one doing all this. I'm not materialistic in any way, shape or form. My parents and friends hated him, one of my friends AND my stepdad once tried to swing for him when he upset me but yet I'd always stick up for him because I loved him...

I'd had enough eventually. Going back and fourth, up and down and in constant circles of depression and anxiety and fed up of it all. I ended things for good after almost 2 years of it. I got out. Which I'm glad I did because I don't think I'd of been here much longer.

My point is, was that I saw him today when I was out, randomly for the first time in years and to tell you the truth, my stomach felt sick to the core. I was shaking, cold sweats and every memory of what happened to me when I was only the mere age of 20 struck through me.

I'm better now anxiety wise, a lot better than I was anyway.

But I still have awful panic attacks that lead to me not being able to breathe and being sick, I still get nightmares where I wake up in a sweat. I still am afraid to this day.

(Sorry to offload all of this.)

[dean-winchester-is-a-warrior]

gimmie baby!dean oh plzzzzzzzzz🥺

@deanwithscissors So, this got away from me a little. LOL! It was supposed to just be a couple hundred words - but 800+ words later, here we are! 😂

It was just a lot of fun to imagine. Thanks so much for the gorgeous gif of baby!dean. Enjoy! I'm gonna work on the other hot af gif you sent me, and I'll try to post it later tonight. 😘

WARNINGS: None, just some minor objectification of beautiful Dean and some dirty thoughts. 😉

*

*

It was my first day on the job. After nearly five months at the academy, I was officially no longer a cadet. I was Officer Lang out of the Southwest Patrol Division, Dallas Police Department.

He was my first ever stop. He had a broken taillight on the back of his beautiful 67 Chevy Impala. So, I turned on my siren and prepared to give my first ticket.

He pulled into the parking lot of the motel we were passing, parking the car and getting out. I was surprised, expecting him to just pull over to the side of the road and stay in the car. Why did my first traffic stop have to be weird?

I put my squad car in park and exited as he closed the Impala's door with a loud squeak and a bang. I had my hand at my side, relaxed but ready to reach for my gun should he pose a threat.

Then he faced me and smiled.

Oh holy, mother of God. He could have shot me dead in that moment because my mind ran blank except for the rushing of blood in my ears as I tried to process the absolute god standing in front of me.

He was tall. Over a foot taller than me. My short stature and small frame had been remarked on several times during my academy training, usually by guys who accompanied their remarks with snide snickers and eyerolls. But I didn't care, because inevitably, I ended up putting those douchebags flat on their ass when we sparred. They usually shut up after that.

But this man...phew! He could throw me around the room anytime he wanted. His shoulders were broad and thick, encased in an old brown leather coat. His legs were powerful looking, thick thigh muscles making me imagine incredibly indecent things I wanted to do while straddling them.

My gaze returned to that smile, bright white and dazzling. His lips were full and looked so soft I wanted to brush my fingers across them. His mouth was just sinful.

I should arrest him just for that illegally kissable mouth, I thought.

"Hi, Officer. What seems to be the problem?" He asked and, of course, his voice was smooth and velvety with just a hint of a Midwestern drawl.

I tried my hardest to reign in my thoughts and act like the professional I had just sworn to be, two weeks ago at my graduation.

"You have a broken taillight." I squeaked, my voice three octaves higher than normal. So much for reigning it in.

I cleared my throat and tried again. "You should have just pulled over onto the shoulder of the road and remained in your vehicle, sir. This is very unorthodox for a traffic stop." I cringed at the slightly shrill note to my voice, I sounded like a harpy librarian.

The man rubbed his chin, absent-mindedly running his tongue across his bottom lip. I felt my stomach flip and knew I was becoming very wet.

Jesus Christ, get a grip, Lang! The guy was literally just standing there.

"Sorry, Officer. I'm staying at this motel, so I just thought this might be easier. Safer for you too, you know. Standing at the side of the road can be dangerous with all the shitty drivers out there. Wouldn't want to see you get hurt."

He smiled again, but slower this time, sexier. He raked his glance up and down my uniformed body. "What a shame to damage something so beautiful.''

It was such a line. Not even a very good one. I should have been incensed by his arrogance and insolence toward an officer of the law.

But I just wasn't. I couldn't be offended when his words sent a flash of heat across my skin. I knew I was blushing, probably not ideal for projecting an air of authority.

His smile turned cheeky and I knew he could see his affect on me. "I'll be sure to have that taillight fixed as soon as possible, I promise, Officer...?" He trailed off, waiting for me to supply my name.

"Lang." I squeaked out. I sounded like a fucking teenage boy.

"Officer Lang. Hi. I'm Dean Hagar." He paused a moment. "Any chance you're off duty soon? Or have a break coming up? I'd really love to thank you for bringing the taillight to my attention. The coffee pot in my room actually makes great coffee."

He shrugged and gestured to one of the orange doors behind him.

That was the worst pretext a guy had ever come up with to get me into his bed. It worked.

"Actually, I was going on my lunch after I finished with you." I said, heat rising and panties dripping.

"Well then, come finish me off, sweetheart." He said, grinning again, this time it was lascivious and full of dirty promises.

I followed him with no qualms. He was the pied piper and I would have happily followed his long-limbed stride anywhere.

Maybe I'd get to use my handcuffs for the first time too. A girl could always hope.

@all-alone-he-turns-to-stone @foxyjwls007, @b3autyfuldisast3r, @myloversgone, @kazsrm67, @fangirlxwrites67, @kickingitwithkirk, @charred-angelwings, @akshi8278

I made this the other day as an ask, and then realized I forgot to tag my people's in it. So, if you've read it already sorry for the superfluous tag!

[everyhowlmarksthedead]

❛ THE FIGHT ❜

Second chapter of ‘Someone you loved’ with Michael ‘Riz’ Ariza.

Warnings: none.

Word count: about 1.3k

Aurora says: this writing hasn't been edited, you may find some grammar mistakes, I'm sorry about that!

Gif credits: to my wonderful @sonsofeorl ✨

Masterlist. You can subscribe to my broadcast list, to be notified whenever I post a writing!

One of the good things that has to be Bishop's daughter is that Taza spoils you whenever. This time, he has let you destroy a car of the scrapping, feeling how stressed you have been for the last few days. While another party is happening in the clubhouse, Leti and Gabriela accompany you through the main alley, to the farthest part of the scrap. Carrying a baseball bat in your right hand, you find an old SUV perfectly parked and ready for you. Wearing a pair of glasses and covering your hands with big gloves, the show starts while the girls drink beer and listen to your misery.

“I fucking hate him!” You scream full of rage, hitting the pilot window.

It crashes into small pieces falling to gravel on the floor. Turning at them, you raise both arms at both sides of your body.

“Can you really fucking believe it? He fucking came to me! To ask me for advice to date that… fucking bitch!” This time, you smash the rearview mirror with all your strength, beating it until it's unfixable. “I'm in front of you, man! What the fuck is wrong with you? How you didn't fucking notice my feelings?!”

You're breathing fast, hitting the pilot door several times, drawing a big dent on it. They agree with you. Everybody in the crowded yard knows about the fact that you love him, and not because you said so. But because it is obvious. Turning to the hood of the car, you grab the bat with both hands to slam it into the windshield, using all the rage running through your veins.

“Good luck catching a STD, you fucking asshole!”

Pulling back the bat, you take off the whole glass, throwing it onto the floor to jump over it repeatedly.

“I don't give a fuck about your feelings, or about your fucking love! I don't want to be your fucking friend anymore!”

The headlights explode into thousands of small pieces too with two loud roars.

“FUCK YOU, MICHAEL ARiza…” Your voice gets low as soon as you turn around again, to find him some steps away from you.

The girls turn confused too, until they see him keeping his hands in his pockets. Leti and Gabriela run away without saying a single world, in the meantime that you take off the glasses covering your eyes. Tossing down the bat, you heavily gulp. Riz takes a look at the car, before licking his lips slowly. Wanting to say something, but he can't barely breathe.

“It's not what it looks like”. You whisper terrified.

Of course, you couldn't stop being his friend if he doesn't love you back.

“Were you talking with them about what I asked you?” His voice sounds hurt, with a sorrowful gesture on his face. “I… trusted you something… personal and you told them about it?”

“I'm so—sorry, Riz, I di—”. You take a step ahead, interrupting your words, when he takes one backward.

“It's good to see that you don't care about me”.

“Don't say that. It's not true”.

“Then… why is this show about?”

Silence. You are at a crossroads. But every road leads you to lose him.

“I can't… tell you”.

Pursing his lips, he just nods. You don't even know what he has heard, but you're not going to ask him. This just could turn the situation into something worse. But he's leaving you there, alone, and you feel already as if you were dead inside.

“I love you”. You utter without thinking, but he doesn't stop his legs. “I REALLY DO!”

Nothing. You have told him these same words a lot of times, and doesn't have any value for him as you're trying to show him.

“Some… Sometimes…” Having a deep breath, you let yourself go. “SOMETIMES I HEAR YOUR VOICE NOTES WHEN I'M SAD!”

Your lungs are emptied after yelling at him. Your throat is ripped, and it stings a little, but at least he has turned around.

“Shit…” You mumble ashamed, when you see him coming back.

Swallowing your saliva, you place both hands crossed on your chest on the sides of your body, slightly raised up. Some tears falling down, seeing the confused gesture on him.

“I don't know when it happened… I just fell in love with you, Riz… I'm sorry. I tried to push… these feelings away, because I didn't want to lose you. You're my best friend. I can't imagine a day without you”. Confessing it is like taking off all the weight on your shoulders, but stabbing your heart at the same time. “I… I don't know what you have heard, but I don't… really mean that… Of course I care about you, about your feelings… I'm happy because you're happy. And I… I would never leave you just… just because you don't feel the same things I feel”.

Riz is staring at you in silence while you, practically, are putting all your shit over the table. Opening up your chest and showing him your worst fears. What gives you nightmares every single night, since Elisa came to Santo Padre. Hardly sniffing and rubbing your nose with the sleeve cuff of your hoodie, you shrug scared to death. You don't know what else you can say to make him understand why you are so angry.

“So, all those things you said in the Templo… Were you talking about me?” His tone of voice is shaking slightly, raising a hand to highlight the past. You nod.

“Since… some months ago, every time you go for a run, I write you a letter”. Confessing, you grab your phone from your pocket to show them to him, but Michael raises again his hand to stop you.

Being aware that he doesn't want to read them, literally breaks your heart. Not because of all the time you have spent on writing them, but all the things you have written on them; all your feelings, all your memories, all your fears, all the things you love about him. Hoping that, maybe, one day he would read them. Grabbing a fold of your hoodie, you put the phone inside of the pocket again, using your free hand.

“I will understand if you… pull yourself away from me. I don't… want to cause you any trouble wi—”.

“Stop talking, please”. Riz interrupts you shaking his hands raised up some inches away from his chest.

Pressing your lips, you nod in silence again, clearing the tears in your cheeks.

“Why didn't you tell me before?”

“For what, Michael? You and me, this is not gonna happen”. You reply, pointing at the distance between both with your forefingers, feeling how you break a little more. “We ain't made for each other”.

“Is that what you think? Then, why is it supposed that we're friends, if we don't complete the other?”

“Things are very different. It's not the same to be your friend than to be your… girlfriend”.

His phone starts to ring. Saved by the bell. Answering the call, he just listens, not uttering a single word. But when he hangs up, Riz takes a step ahead.

“I got to go, b—”.

“It's okay”. You whisper crossing your arms and bowing down your head for a second. “I didn't mean to hurt you. And I'm sorry for fucking up our friendship”.

“You didn't”.

“You're just saying that because I'm fucked enough tonight, but I will not blame you when you start to act differently with me”.

“Listen, we will be friends forever, no one will change that. And this… conversation it's not finished”.

“Okay”. You reply shrugging listlessly, trying to stop crying, even if you know it's going to be the last time you're going to be alone.

Watching him leave the scrapping is the most hard and painful goodbye you have ever experienced. And you want to run after him. Beg him to not push you away. Ask him to forgive you. But your legs don't receive the orders from your brain, because you know you have already lost him.

[iveneverbeenanatural-13]

Update for today

Lockdown for Covid-19 March 27th

I guess I'm writing the story of my life...?

Things are better. Last night was rough because of depression and anxiety... I got to thinking why do I do this to myself? To be honest there is a lot I don't share with people and as a result I tend to break down at random times. I'm not looking for pity, more just friends... People who get it. I'm glad I started to post more on here as it feels sorta like a diary. And maybe right now that's what I need. Even if no one reads this that's ok.

Maybe I will just spell it all out. See what comes from it. So here it goes.

I haven't had a bad life. I'm only 23 but it just feels like a long life with many extra bumps in it... Things just manage not to go the way id like it to most of the time. So now I'm just used the noise. I had a good childhood but many many memories of a broken family. An angry dad (not necessarily towards us kids) a mom who coped with alcohol. I often took care of my siblings as the eldest of five. And there are many other things I won't mention... It was hard. It was dysfunctional. We'd have money then didn't. We'd have food then didn't. We'd have a week of no fighting with my parents and then they would be at each other's throats the next several weeks. We'd have moments of joy but usually short-lived moments. I'm not saying it was all bad. I have good memories too. Singing Taylor Swift songs to my mini laptop webcam is a memory I have. Making music with my brother was a good memory I have. And spending time with friends too.. it wasn't all bad...

Fast forward to about 3 years ago I thought I met the love of my life. Things seemed fine. But it was the calm before the storm. After my ex and I got together things sorta slowly started to get worse. My dad didn't support my relationship. He thought we were moving too fast. My mom wasnt happy and coped with more alcohol. And even tho they had briefly separated a couple years before I thought they wouldn't ever get divorced. Well I was wrong...

My ex and I tried so hard to make our relationship work. And I think I pushed things because I wanted some kind of happy ending. Most of my friends had gotten married or were in happy relationships. This was my first real relationship. So I thought this could be the last. There were constant fights and bitterness started to grow between us... We were co-dependent. We tried to live on our own but due to a mental illness he had, he had a hard time keeping a job. So we were just CONSTANTLY STRUGGLING. It just became not a safe place anymore. We did get engaged after about a year. My dad didn't agree and we didn't have any wedding help. My friends tried to help but it was almost like people didn't take us seriously. Which hurt because I was always there for them whether I agreed with their decisions or not. My mom straight up left my Dad and moved into her own place. I was in between a lot when it came to my mom and dad. Trying to help them to get along for my sister's sake. But there were many fights or my mom getting so drunk that the police were called... DISCLAIMER: I want to say. My parents aren't bad parents. They're just broken.

My ex and I were under so much never-ending stress. We broke up and got back together several times. It was awful. Words were said, feelings were hurt, then we'd forgive and start all over again. I like to think that was the burning Red Taylor was talking about. We loved each other so much. But it wasn't a healthy lifestyle. You lose yourself. You lose who you want to be just so you can help keep the other person from drowning. After two years my parents were officially getting divorced. My dad had gone through severe depression so I moved into his place because I honestly was afraid he would kill himself. That was rough. I had also briefly moved into my moms to help her. This was the breaking point for her. And I had to get my sisters who were living with her at the time and help them to pack up and leave. They no longer wanted to be there. Leaving her behind and closing her apartment door while glimpsing her looking so sad was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Time went on. We finally got through that. I got through that.

During this time I had lost friends. Or at least we didn't talk much anymore. I think they just didn't know how to approach me. And I know they didn't mean it. I was in a place where I couldn't be reached. Later my mom had left our state of NC and moved about 45 mins away to SC with her new Boyfriend. We like him. He's nice. And she's doing so much better! My dad had met a lady and got engaged rather quickly in my opinion lol. But as long as he's happy. When things finally started to calm down a bit with my family the damage had already been done in my relationship. It wouldn't stop. The fighting the arguing. Even after we had moved to our own little house. But it was still my home. I had my cats and my own space. I loved it. Well, back in November a huge fight had occurred and we believed we shouldn't be living together for the time being. I moved in with my grandmother.. I went back and forth a lot. Set up for Christmas and we even got to go on a little vacation. I hadn't been on a vacation in so long. Yet again, it was the calm before another storm. One night in December, the Friday before Christmas (my absolute favorite holiday) I got a call. It was my ex. He said he couldn't do it anymore. And that he was breaking up with me. He said he couldn't tell me face to face because it would be too hard and he probably would change his mind. And I cried. And begged him not too. This all happened after a particularly hard argument we had the day before. Where I had done something wrong and I did apologize for it. But it just wasn't enough... And that was it. The end of my 2-year whirlwind relationship. I was heartbroken. He got really angry and was just saying really mean things to me. Personal things that really affected me. I had to go get all my stuff. Leave one of my kitties behind and give the other one up because I couldn't bring her with me. She is rehomed to one of my best friends. She had been there through pretty much all of it. I'm so grateful I have her. I saw my ex went on a date after 3 weeks. And yeah. It was awful. I felt like the scum of the earth.

And I thought that was it... Hahaha It wasn't. I missed my period for the whole month of January. I didn't even think anything of it. Then I finally took a test. And LOW AND BEHOLD it was positive. My whole life took a fucking turn in one second and I was literally losing my mind. So yeah. Fast forward to now. I'm 16 weeks. Working through my severe depression and anxiety. I had had plans to really work on myself but now that I'm pregnant you can't really take many medications during this time. And that's very hard as I have trouble functioning normally day today... I was looking for a job for months and when I finally found one Covid-19 showed its ugly head and I lost that job. And now I'm here. Not sure of how I'm going to provide for this baby. But the father and I have much a better relationship then we've ever had. We are not back together tho. There's still struggles and obstacles but at this point it's just part of my life. So that's it more or less. That's where I'm at now. I'm very grateful that even tho my family isn't together we all still show up for each other. And even tho I sometimes still get stuck between my dad and moms problems they're still alive and well. And now I have a baby. Which was my ultimate dream. I guess I just want to know that I can provide a really good life for it. As these are not the circumstances I had wished for myself. And that it's childhood is better than my childhood or even my ex's. He struggled too... I'm scared right now because I can't work and I'm constantly battling these demons. But at the same time I know somehow it'll all work out... Eventually... You know what I hope for myself tho? That I find a love that's golden. Not red.

[prettypetitepika]

@taylorswift appreciation post:

About a year ago, I was at the 2019 Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas. I was there on coincidence with what was my job for a mobile gaming convention. I was done with my meetings and was walking past the venue location. My two absolute favorite artists are Taylor and Brendon Urie from P!ATD. So naturally I decided to purchase a ticket to see the first live performance of ME! I got to the show and it was one of my favorite moments ever. To see Taylor and Brendon open was magical and definitely was something to see coming into the Lover era. After halfway through the show, my boss demanded I show face at an after party. Networking was a big part of my job role. To give more context... I had started my job in February 2019 and at that time, I had noticed very misogynistic behavior, comments and remarks from my direct boss. Things like "we hired you to pimp you out." In my boss' mind, he hired me for being a woman. To "attract stupid men in the gaming world" to make them spend money. From the very first month I started to hear these remarks, I began looking for a new job. Sadly, gaming is a hard industry to job hop in, especially when you're desperate for a new company to just treat you like a human being. Fast forward back to the night of the Billboard awards and now to the after party. I walked to the after party only to find my boss schmoozing to some people from a partner company. One of them was a man... very tall and large in stature doing "as many tequila shots as he can to max out the company bar tab." I like a few drinks but while on the clock, I'm mindful of my alcohol. With this said, the after the party was done, my boss volun-told me to help him, that man and a woman clean up the party. After we did, we were going to "walk from the MGM to the Wynn for a Diplo concert". Literally one end of the Vegas strip to another. That was the idea, the execution on the other hand was something else...

After the party, all four of us started to walk outside. This man started to cling to myself and the woman from earlier, who turned out to be his boss. He was stringing along like an incredibly heavy sack of potatoes. He was sloppy drunk. Tripping over us and holding onto our shoulders and waists. After seeing the struggle, my now inebriated boss hailed a cab. The woman went to the front seat. Meanwhile, my not so tall boss went all the way to the left of the back and that man went to the middle seat. This giant person went to the middle and it made no sense to me. I literally out loud said "Why is the biggest person sitting in the middle?!" No one acknowledged my comment. So I reluctantly sat next to the man.

**Note: the next part of this may be triggering for some. This happened to me personally and I know how it can effect some people, even just reading it. With that said, the cab took off, the man put his arm around the back of my seat, and around my shoulder. The drive was only supposed to last maybe 7 minutes... to me, it was an eternity. The man started to bring his hand down and gr*pe my right breast. I almost couldn't believe it. I thought I was in a nightmare and I couldn't wake up. This man kept going as I pushed his hand away. I kept clutching my purse to my chest as he tried to reach his hand up my blouse. My elbow digging into my lap, trying to create a barrier between him and I. I wanted to scream but nothing came out. We finally pulled up to the hotel, I ran out of the cab. Waited for my boss to come out and walked in. As we walked, the man was now 20 feet behind us. He knew what he had done. The same man who was so clingy and touchy before was now making distance because he KNEW. I looked at my boss and lowly said "He gr*ped me in the taxi." He looked up at me and said "Well that's not good." And kept walking... I thought he was too drunk to realize what I had said so I sent it on WhatsApp, knowing it couldn't be deleted. He read the text and did nothing. I looked at the woman with us and demanded she come to the bathroom with me. I ran in and like word vomit, yelled what the man had done. The first thing out of her mouth was "I knew he'd do something like this."

She knew. And I was infuriated. How could amyone let such an awful excuse of a person come to a convention, network and drink?! When we came out of the bathroom, I saw the man and ran. Sobbing, I ran to the next restroom. The woman and my boss said they'd escort me back to my hotel. I ran to my room feeling so dirty. Shower after shower and I couldn't stop crying. I thought why didn't I say something to the cab driver, why? But I was just trying to keep my shitty job at that point. I was trying not to cause a scene that would affect my company...

The morning after, I tried to get home but literally EVERY single flight was booked until 2am. My boss reluctantly gave me the "day off". But I was stuck in Vegas. Feeling empty, violated, ruined. I knew with the incident fresh in my mind, I called a lawyer from back home in Texas. I explained the incident and how horrible my boss was. From there, we filed with the EEOC and started a discrimination case. For my company and my boss dehumanizing me, treating less than my worth and attempting to use me as a woman. Following immediately after the incident and the lawsuit beginning, I became a phantom. A ghost. I was invisible. No longer did anyone talk to me, look at me, invite me to lunch. I was moved to an office by myself. I'd email my boss for help on clients to never receive a response. I was just there. Physically. Mentally, I was miserable. I had developed anxiety and couldn't eat... this went on for months.

In March 2020, COVID19 hit and we were ordered to work from home. This was music to my ears. I was still a ghost... but at least my dog made for a better coworker.

Today, Friday, May 15th, 2020, my boss sent a Zoom meeting invite for me to discuss a client. It was out of the ordinary but I was hopeful. That hope didn't last long. As I logged in, I saw the 2 HR representatives of the company. I knew my fate after seeing their names on my computer screen. They said due to COVID, they were reorganizing the company. Meanwhile, they said i was terminated due to "performance". Immediately after I filed my lawsuit, they bombarded me with emails asking if I could do my job because of my "disability". They were talking about the new found anxiety that I developed thanks to them. The thing was, I was never trained, coached, developed. Nothing for my job role. They expected me as a "woman" to bring on male clients. They really did try to pimp me out. When that didn't work... Well, as you could guess, at 11am this morning, I was fired. Terminated. I was sent a termination contract that in short, they'd "generously give me a severance pay of $2k." But also in that letter? A surprise clause of if I signed and was paid, even if I still took them to court with my lawsuit, no matter the verdict, they'd owe me nothing. Right now? My lawyer is helping me figure that out but you can bet I won't sign that document for $2k.

Why am I typing this all now? It's more cathartic at this point but more importantly... that night that was so awful for me. After enduring being treated like this for so long... I'm done with that chapter. After that night, ANYTIME I'd listen to ME, I'd either cry or remember that terrible night. I was so angry from what had happened. I was devastated that Taylor and Brendon were the highlight of my night and to now later remember that horrible event. This morning after me getting fired? I hung up and cried.

Afterward, I turned on Taylor's album Lover, and laughed as I Forgot You Existed started playing. Eventually, YouTube had made it's way to ME!... and today was the first time I listened and sang along... happily. No tears, no flash backs to something horrendous. Just joy. Because for now? I'm free. Free of that company, free of my assh*le of a boss, free of people putting the blame on me. The lawsuit is still on going but I remember Taylor going through hers not too long ago. After all of that, if she can do it, so can I.

Pray I'll win my lawsuit. I've won half the battle so far with my new found freedom.

I've had ME! on repeat all day. No longer is that song a tragic memory but now a freedom anthem. 💖