#i live in England cause i like rain and clouds why am i being punished

[riosnecktattoo]

i was going to write tonight but it's 11pm and it's 26 degrees and i have to get through another 40 degree day tomorrow and my brain is FRIED

[dragonflymage]

I’ve looked at my old diaries fairly often and it usually makes me feel sad nostalgia. I decided to add some excerpts from my teenage diary. I chose 10 pieces I’d written years ago. I was 16.

A picture of the cover and some writing samples:

There was a little dial lock on the side of the cover.

Ranting about school and grades.

One of my many dreams I used to write about.

A bit of background - I went to a strict religious school that made me constantly angry. Parents were divorced. And other home drama went on, but mostly I wrote about school and other daydreamy thoughts.

Now for some diary excerpts:

🌹 1. The snow is still coming down. Swirling and turning with every flake. I wonder if the snowflakes know what's happening. If they know that they are just one out of trillions of flakes in the world. I wonder if any of these flakes falling now have been to England or Moscow or even Japan. The process of the flakes melting then evaporating up into clouds then wind blowing them across oceans then someday stopping over say Sidney Australia and raining on the prairies, turning into little brooks or mighty water-falls. Now that's something to think about. Or maybe these flakes could have been the same flakes that over 2,000 years ago snowed on the night Christ was born in Bethlehem. You never can tell. Because the process keeps going over and over: water, steam, clouds, rain, and everything in between.

🌹 2. The sound of little creatures walking around in the roof. In between the ceiling and the roof, there is a space and little critters live up there by the chimney. They walk around and listen to what goes on in my room. One day they were knawing on some wood and I started reading a book and they were quiet through the whole story for they were listening. When they move, sometimes a very small pebble rolls down the slant in the ceiling and you can hear it. You can also hear their little claws on their feet when they walk. I think they've been here long enough to receive a name. I'll give one name to them all so when I hear a noise I'll say "oh there's -so-an-so." I think the name will be "Arella", which means "Angel messenger". Good enough name, I think. It's a Greek name.

🌹 3. I feel like I'm getting further and further from everyone. Like I'm slowly disappearing, or like I did something. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel so down and depressed all the time. It's probably because I'm very quickly losing all my friends. There's no one left to be my friend. Maybe I should leave this little school, where everyone knows you, and transfer into a larger one so I can hide among the crowd. That's what I feel like doing!! I want to cry so bad, but I can't. I need someone! Even my stuffed koala bears have someone to hug!

🌹 4. I don't want to go to school tomorrow. But I don't want them to think that I'm hiding or that I'm scared. I mean, I am scared, terrified even, but I don't want them to know; do we now? No! Maybe if they would just leave me alone, everything will be fine. I'm not doing anything wrong at school, just because I didn't pass in a report doesn't mean that I'm rebelling against someone. I haven't hardly been talking to anyone or causing any trouble, so why are they picking on me? huh? I'm just there answering questions, doing math problems on the board, taking notes, taking quizzes. So what the hell is wrong with these people? My God, can't they "leave me alone!?!" Please!

🌹 5. Well, I know what I will do. I will not have any friends, maybe I will talk to them a little. I won't ever act up, I will do all my homework, I will basically become a snob or a nerd or whatever you want to call it. I am not going to do anything that I could get in trouble for. I will go to school, pass all my tests and quizzes, answer all questions correctly, won't talk back, if I am accused of something that I didn't do then I will just take the punishment because somehow they will have to find out the truth.

🌹 6. Tomorrow I am supposed to have some kind of meeting at the school with daddy and the teachers. In the morning sometime. I think that something bad is going to happen. Oh, Great! What I don't understand is why when my brother gets dropped off in the morning why I shouldn't just stay at the school. See, that proves something. They would've had the meeting today but Pastor wasn't in. They couldn't have just planned it today, 'cause I did not cause any trouble whatsoever today. I swear it! If they don't want me to stay at the school in the morning, then that probably means that they've had enough of me, and either I am gonna get suspended or expelled. Whatever I did wrong before must've got them fed up with me, that's for sure.

🌹 7. I'm sitting in my window sill by the light of the street lamp. There is a full moon out, also. I'm still thinking about whether I want to be an astronaut or in the Peace Corps. I remember in about the 5th grade I wanted to be an astronaut. Then in the middle of the 6th, I changed and wanted to be a cop. In the middle of the 7th, I changed back to wanting to be an astronaut. That stayed till about the middle or so of the 8th I wanted to be a doctor. That changed by the end of the 8th back to an astronaut. And a few weeks ago, at the middle of the 10th, I wanted to be someone who helps the less fortunate in other countries, something like the Peace Corps. Now I think that I'm going back to being an astronaut again. I guess that I can not make up my mind can I? Growing up is so hard.

🌹 8. There is so much I want to do but I feel like I am restricted or being prevented to do things, somehow. It's hard to explain. I don't mean literally, that people are holding me back, I mean that my mind wants to explore, to learn, to snatch new ideas, new things. But there isn't anything there for me to grasp. Everything is out of my reach. I can, maybe, brush my fingers against something, but I either fall away from it or it moves further from my reach and sometimes even out of my view. At least I know that the moon will always be there for me. There's so much I want to do. I want to write my stories, but I hardly ever have any time to finish them.

🌹 9. Just look at the moon. She never has to prove herself anymore. She did her job, her important task, that proved that she isn't expendable. She is important to the whole world. She is important for romantic walks, and for poems, and she sets the stage for a story. Artists, poets, songwriters, and story writers for generations have used her beauty. She is the pearl in the night. The eye of midnight. The jewel in the sky. She reflects on a slumbering sea, casting shadows on nearby rocks. She turns the sand to silver and makes them come alive. The gentle waves, persuaded by salty breezes, are painted with glitters of diamonds from the sky.

🌹 10. I'm obviously very expendable. I just wish that I knew whether or not I will make a difference in the world or in the future, so I'm not expendable. So when I mess up or make a mistake, people won't just throw me away or toss me aside. I just want to do something important, something so that when I do goof up once in a while, people will say "Oh, her accomplishments are so much greater and outnumber her weaknesses that we couldn't afford to have her go, or have her replaced." Right now, I have accomplished nothing worth mentioning.

That’s all for now 💗

Thanks for the question. 😊