#i mean not the child endangerment. she would never. she ended an abusive relationship i never thought she’d end in order to protect that kid

[lee-scribbles-and-doodles]

My Top Ten Overlooked Movies With Female Leads In No Particular Order

Note: When you see this emoji (⚠️) I will be talking about things people may find triggering, which are spoilery more often then not. I mention things that I think may count as triggers so that people with them will be aware before going in to watch any of these.

Edited: 3/16/21

Hanna (2011)

So, before I get into why you should watch this movie, I just want to take a moment to say why it's near and dear to my heart. Growing up as a queer kid in the early 2000s, seeing portrayals of people like or similar to myself on anything was rare at best. It was mostly in more "adult" movies or shows that my parents would occasionally let me watch with them that I'd see any lgbtq+ rep at all. Often times they were either walking stereotypes, designed to be buried, evil, or all three.

Then here comes this PG-13 action thriller with a wonderfully written main female lead who, at the time, was close to my age, and who got to kiss another girl (her very first friend, Sophie) on screen in an extremely tender and heartwarming scene. To say the least, it was a life changing moment for me personally.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, Hanna is a suspenseful movie about a child super-soldier named, you guessed it, Hanna (played by Saoirse Ronan) and her adoptive (?) father Erik Heller (played by Eric Bana) exiting the snowy and isolated wilderness of their home and taking on the shadowy CIA operative, Marissa Wiegler (played by Cate Blanchette) who wants Erik dead and Hanna for herself for mysterious reasons.

It also has an amazing soundtrack by the Chemical Brothers, great action scenes, and it has an over arching fairytale motif, which I'm always a sucker for.

⚠️ Mild blood effects, some painful looking strikes, various character deaths, and child endangerment all feature in this film. However, given its PG-13 rating, a majority of viewers are presumably able to handle this one. Still, be aware of these going in.

Sidenote: It's recently gotten a TV adaptation on Amazon TV, although I have not watched it, and do not know if Hanna and Sophie's romantic/semi-romantic relationship has transferred over.

A Simple Favor

A Simple Favor is a "black-comedy mystery thriller" centered entirely around the relationship between two mothers, the reclusive, rich, mysterious, and regal Emily (played by Blake Lively), and the local recently widowed but plucky mommy blogger, Stephanie (played by Anna Kendrick). When Emily suddenly goes missing, Stephanie takes it upon herself to find out what happened to her new best friend.

It's a fantastic and entertaining movie throughout, with fun, flawed and interesting characters. The relationship between the two female leads is also implied to be at least somewhat romantic in nature, and they even share a kiss.

⚠️ The only major warnings I can think of is that the movie contains an instance of incest and one of the main plotlines revolves around child abuse, although both of these potentially triggering topics are not connected to each other, so there is thankfully no csa going on.

Edit: I legitimately forgot there was drug use in this movie until now. So, yeah, if that's a trigger, be careful of that.

I Am Mother

I became mildly obsessed with this movie when it came out. I Am Mother is a sci-fi film that centers entirely around a cast of two woman, and a female-adjacent robot who is brought to life on screen with absolutely amazing practical effects.

The plot is such, after an extinction-level event, a lone robot known only as Mother tasks herself with replenishing the human race via artifical means. She begins with the film's main protagonist, Daughter. Years go by as Mother raises her human child and the two prepare for Daughter's first sibling (a brother) to be born. However, on Daughter's 16th birthday, the arrival of an outsider known only as Woman shakes Daughter's entire world view. She begins to question Mother's very nature, as well as what's really going on outside the bunker she and her caretaker call home.

⚠️ This movie features child endangerment and reference to child death.

Lilo and Stitch

When I decided to add a single Disney film to this list I initially thought it was going to be hard but almost immediately my brain went to Lilo and Stitch, and specifically about the relationship between Lilo and Nani.

On the surface, this film is about a lonely little girl accidentally adopting a fugitive alien creature as a "dog," but underneath that the story is also about two orphaned sisters and the older sister's attempts to not let social services tear them apart by stepping up as the younger sister's primary guardian. Despite its seemingly goofy premise, Lilo and Stitch has a very emotional and thoughtful center. It's little wonder how this movie managed to spawn an entire franchise.

Despite the franchise it spawned (or possibly because of it), I often find that Lilo and Stitch is overlooked and many people only remember it for the "little girl adopts an alien as a pet" portion of its plot, and I very rarely see it on people's top 10 Disney lists.

⚠️ This movie could be potentially triggering to people who were separated from their siblings or other family members due to social service intervention. There's also a bit of child endangerment, including a scene where Lilo and Stitch both almost drown.

Nausicaä and the Valley of the Wind

Unlike the above entry, I did struggle a little bit with picking a single Studio Ghibli film. Most media of the Ghibli catalogue have strong, well-written, unique, and interesting female leads so selecting just one seemed like quite the task.

However, I eventually settled on this particular film. In recent months, Princess Nausicaä has become my absolute favorite Ghibli protagonist and I'm absolutely enchanted by the world she lives in.

Set in a post-apocalyptic world overun by giant insects and under threat of a toxic forest and its poisoness spores, Nausicaä must try to protect the Valley of the Wind from invaders as she also tries to understand the science behind the toxic forest and attempts to bridge the gap between the insects and the humans.

For those who have never seen the film, I think Nausicaä's personality can best be described as being similar to OT Luke Skywalker. Both are caring, compassionate, and gentle souls who are able to see the best in nearly anyone or anything. She's an absolutely enthralling protagonist and after rewatching the film again for the first time in well over a decade she has easily become one of my all time favorite protagonists.

Whenever I see people talk about Ghibli films, they rarely mention this one, and when they do mention it, it's often in passing. In my opinion it's a must watch.

⚠️ This movie contains some blood, and the folks who either don't like insects or who have entomophobia may not appreciate the giant bugs running about throughout the movie. (Although most insects do not directly relate to real life bugs, and are fantasy creatures).

A Silent Voice

A Silent Voice is an animated movie adaptation of a manga of the same name. While I've never had the pleasure to read the manga, the movie is phenomenal. It covers topics such a bullying, living in the world with a disability, the desire for atonement, social anxiety, and depression in a well thought out manner that ties itself together through the progression of the relationship between its two leads, Shoya and Shouko. It's also beautifully animated. Although very popular among anime viewers, I've noticed that it's often overlooked by people who watch little to no anime. So I suppose this is me urging non-anime viewers to give this film a chance.

⚠️ As mentioned above, the movie deals with bullying, anxiety, and depression (with this last one including suicidal thoughts and behaviour). If discussion of those topics are triggering to you, than you may want to proceed with caution or skip this movie all together.

In This Corner of The World

Another manga adaptation, this one taking place during WWII-era Japan. In This Corner of The World follows the life of a civilian Japanese woman, Suzu Urano, as she navigates simply living and her new marriage as the wartime invades nearly all aspects of everyday life. I think this movie is a good representation of what it must be like to be living as civilian in a country at war where the fight is sometimes fought on one's own soil. It was also an interesting look into pre-50s Japanese culture in my opinion. It's also beautifully animated featuring an art style I don't see often.

Despite it being well known among anime fans, I never really see it be brought up, even among said anime fans themselves.

Side note: I've seen many WWII dramas centering around civilians but they've almost always been about American or UK civilians. This was the first movie I'd seen that features the perspective of a Japanese civilain.

⚠️ Features the death of a child and limb loss. There's also a disturbing scene featuring a victim of one of the atomic bombs near the end.

Wolf Children: Ame and Yuki

This film follows Hana, a Japan-native woman who fell in love with a magical shape-shifting wolf-man, and her trials with raising their children, who can also magically shape-shift into wolves, on her own. It's a very heartfelt movie about a mother's love and the struggles of doing right by your children when you have limited resources to actively guide and care for them. All the characters feel unique and alive in my opinion. Also, the animation is so good that my sister and I initially mistook it for a Ghibli film.

Again, like the previous two anime entries, I don't see it ever brought up outside of anime circles.

⚠️ There's some child endangerment present in the film, although none of it is the fault of Hana as far as I can remember.

Roman Holiday

Roman Holiday is about the fictional Princess Ann (played by Audrey Hepburn), who while on a whirlwind tour of Europe, finally reaches her breaking point over having her entire life be one big schedule and all her words and actions being rehearsed. In the spur of the moment, she runs away in hopes of experiencing what life is like for other women. Unfortunately, she was previously given a sedative, meaning she doesn't get too far before it takes effect. Fortunately, she is found by the kind reporter Joe Bradley (played by Gregory Peck). Believing her to be drunk and unable to get an address from her (because she has none) he ends up taking her home for safety's sake and allows her to sleep off her suppose drunken stupor. The next day, he realizes who she is, and decides to take her on a fun sight seeing trip across Rome in hopes of getting the big scoop. Along the way, they begin to fall for each other.

This is my favorite black and white, old romance film. I think the relationship between the main characters is absolutely beautiful and I have a lot of fun watching it.

⚠️ I'm not entirely sure what kind of warning this film would need. However, it was released in 1953, so values dissonance will probably be at play for many viewers to at least some extent. For example, early in the film Ann is given sedation drugs by her doctor for her behavior, something that is very unlikely to happen today. Also, Mr Bradley deciding to take Ann home to keep her safe rather than call the police or an ambulance is a very pre-90s decision in my opinion.

[spookysmujer]

Family is Forever, O. Diaz

Summary: The past comes to haunt  you and your family with Oscar.

warnings: angst, domestic!Oscar, swearing,physical abuse, attempt sexual abuse, child endangerment

word count: 4.8K

requested by @alliemariee15

a/n: Thank you for requesting and being so patient! This sweetheart requested this a month ago and has been nothing but understanding, so thank you so much! I went harder than I intended to with this, hehe. Also big thank to everyone as I’ve hit 1K followers!!! Please don’t forget to follow this blog, heart/like/reblog my content as well as leave some comments, pretty please :) Also turn on the notifs for when I post something new!

taglist: @clemmingstylins0n @fairygardenss @firebenderwolf @spookysnena @princesstiffxoxo @mbaku-babygirl @chellybear98 @multiyfandomgirl40 @i-just-wanna-live-gc (please let me know if you wanna be added or removed!)

(gif belongs to @merakiaes 🌟)

A life long dream of yours since freshmen year in high school was to move somewhere along the East Coast and for sometime that was the goal that you were working hard towards. 

And then Oscar Diaz happened. It was sophomore year when he ‘claimed’ you. You weren’t so into him as much as he was into you but he never stopped trying to get you and by some twisted fate of luck, he got you. Not long after officially dating, you got pregnant with your son, Abel. It didn’t matter that you were only 16 or the fact that Oscar had joined a gang. You two made it work.

That was 6 years ago, your son has grown into a very intelligent little boy. He is a carbon copy of his dad at that age, his thick black locks that are curled on top of his head has to be your favorite feature of his. You hadn’t got to see Oscar with hair like so since he’d already been sporting the shaved cholo look from when you two began dating. 

A lot has happened over those 6 years. Both good and bad. 

It was only a few weeks into summer after graduating high school that Oscar was arrested for drug possession. It completely wrecked you. At that point it seemed obvious that he would be the one you’d spend the rest of your life with. All that seemed to shift on the night when the police knocked on the door. The loud, echoing pounding and a 2 year-old Abel seemingly frightened. 

When Oscar opened the door he didn’t try to resist arrest for he knew this day would come. You held your son close to your chest as he called out for his papa.

You took him to visit Oscar whenever he’d ask and let him talk on the phone with him every chance you got. Nothing could get between you and your family, not even prison. And when he was released after 4 long years, the heavens rejoiced and so did the two of you. With lots of rolling in the sheets. 

That’s why you’re now in a PartyCity store looking for the right unicorn balloons for your soon-to-be 4 year old daughter’s upcoming birthday. When you found out you were pregnant again only 2 weeks after Oscar had been released, the both of you laughed, not surprised one bit. It was no secret that you wanted more kids together so it was fate to add a little girl, whom you named Ella, to the mix.

“Ma, can we go now? We been here forever.” Abel sighs as you make another round in the same isle you were in just a few minutes ago.

The corners of your lips lift as you know he has your patience, which is zero to none. He’s been a champ for most of the morning but once you had been running back and forth between stores, he began to lose his patience quickly.

Your daughter sports a mean muggin’ face, much like her father.  “I wan mah balloons!” She is standing in the cart, staring at her brother. The look of ‘I am going to get my way’. Abel only rolls his eyes and groans as she turns to sit in the cart and look at which balloons she wants.

“Cute kids.”

A voice sounds from in front of you, you smile and turn to thank the stranger but you are met with no stranger. A very familiar face. One that put you through hell, one that definitely was not suppose to be within a 100 feet of you. 

When Oscar was in prison you were absolutely loyal to him. Not once did you lose faith in your relationship. Even when you had your hardships such as the times Oscar got doubtful that he would never get out, he’d ask you to move on. Though it was never a thought at all. You share a child together, you’re bonded for life.

But to the streets if your man is serving time then you’re fair game. That’s just how they ran things but to hell if you were gonna let that happen. That never stopped other dudes trying to get with you. And there was one particular one that never stopped trying, Tomas. He became obsessive with you. He wanted you, he wanted to be the man that Oscar couldn’t be for you at that moment. But you never gave in because for you Oscar was it.

“What are you doing here? You know the obligations of your restraining order.” The calmness in your voice shows no fear but you know the lengths he’d go when it comes to you.

Tomas only chuckles to himself as he digs his hands in his pockets, “That expired this morning at 10. But I’m just visiting some homies, ain’t know you’d be here.”

You watch him intently as pull your son closer to you. Thankfully Ella has her back to you so you could have a hold on her should he try anything, “Yeah well, I don’t want nothing to do with you so I think it’s best if you just go on about your day and your life far away from here. Oscar has been out for a while now so I wouldn’t be so stupid and try something.”

He takes a few steps forward which makes you automatically step back, one hand locked on your son’s shoulder and the other on the shopping cart. “Calmate, I’m just passing through, preciosa.” A chill runs down your spine as he caresses your face with the back of his finger making you flinch.

Abel grabs onto you and holds you tightly as Ella watches the man stand close to you, “Mama, who is this?” She asks excitedly as she pulls herself up from sitting. You look to him and her as he turns towards your little girl.

“Hi, I’m Tomas, a friend of your mom’s. And who are you?” Your heart rate is increasing, your nerves are scattered all over the place, worried something may happen. Your daughter’s curiosity has worried you since she could talk.

She smiles as he waits for her answer, “Ella, it’s my birthday soon! I’ll be this much!” Ella holds up 4 little fingers and covers her mouth with her other hand, laughing due to Tomas’ pretend shocked expression.

“I have to go. Please stay away from me and my family.” You hoist your son into the cart, despite his protests that he can walk. You step back quickly and spin the cart around.

Ella is complaining that you didn’t get all the balloons but you hush her. After checking out you ask a worker to escort you out. He kindly helps you load your car as you get your kids in.

“Answer, answer, answer.”

You’re chanting quietly to yourself as you pull out of the parking lot to head home. Your heart is thudding in your chest like wildfire, you need to hear Oscar’s voice, even if he says he is busy you just want to have his calming voice soothe you.

A few rings in, “Hola, mamas. Where are you?” 

You slump back into the seat, his voice on the sound system has an instant effect on you. You exhale a deep breath, “Papa, it’s me! I miss yew!”

Ella shouts and you smile as you hear Oscar laugh, always so happy to hear their voices, “Mija! I miss you and your mano, where are you guys?”

“We just leave the store! I meet mama’s man friend.” You quickly shush your daughter and hang up the phone call. You can’t be mad at her because it’s not like she knows better or the fact that you forgot to tell to your kids not to mention seeing Tomas to their dad.

She whines that you ended the phone call, “Babygirl, you can’t tell daddy about that man, okay?” You look in the rearview mirror to get a look at her as she has her arms crossed over her chest and gaze away from you. “Mija, look at mommy please.”

When she finally does take a look at you, she keeps her lil Spooky face on, “That was mean and papa will be mad you did that.” 

“I know, I shouldn’t have done that. Just don’t talk about that friend we saw because then daddy will be really mad at mommy. Please?”

Ella’s features soften a bit and turns happy when you tell her that you’ll stop to get ice cream on the way back home. Both kids cheer with happiness as you pull into McDonald's drive thru. 

Oscar has sent some texts asking about the abrupt end to the call and what Ella was going on about, but you made up the excuse that there was terrible reception and that she has been spilling nonsense since this morning. He brushes it off and you sigh in victory.

You finally get home, very weary of your surroundings though you don’t think Tomas would be so naive to try anything knowing you were with the Santos leader. Oscar gets home not long after you, thankfully he didn’t bring up the phone call and you went about your night.

“Com’n son, time to bathe. Vamanos.” Oscar calls out from the hallway. Abel stands but moves slowly from the living room, so focused on the big screen, “Abel!” Your son scurries off. He is always last to shower because he is so glued the TV all the time.He has learned what comes next if there is a 3rd time being called. “Coming!”

The stress of Ella’s birthday is taking a toll on you because she is a very specific little girl and the slightest detail on a decoration will have her stomping her feet and pouting her lip for days. You’re definitely raising a perfectionist. 

Oscar stands in front of the bathroom mirror as he uses a razor to clean up his facial hair as well as to keep an eye on Abel who loves to let the bath get too bubbly or he’ll doze off and considering it’s nearly 10 PM, it’s a possibility. 

“How was shopping with Mama today?” Oscar asks as he zeroes in on getting a clean cut. Abel doesn’t answer right away as he ponders telling Oscar about his whole day or skipping on the part about meeting Tomas and how you were not so happy about it.

With Abel as the older child he is more aware. Unlike Ella who couldn’t pick up on the unsettling feeling Tomas had given off, Abel knew that this man was trouble. And his dad always taught him to protect his family. Family is forever and is the most important thing. Always to protect his family if his dad couldn’t.

“It was okay. Ella was whining, papa. She didn’t like the balloons mama picked out at one store so we had to go to a whole other store! I was tired of looking at pink and purple unicorns. Then that man that came up to us was..” 

Abel stopped talking as he realizes he let it slip out. And Oscar heard him loud and clear. He waits for Abel to continue talking but nothing comes from behind the shower curtain. Abel begins to cry, scared that he’ll get you in trouble. Oscar opens the shower curtain to see his son with his knees to his chest, sobbing.

Meanwhile, you are oblivious to what is happening. Your son keeps his face hidden as Oscar reaches to turn off the flowing water and sits on the side of the tub, watching his son. What is he afraid of saying that is making him this anxious?

“Abel Cesar Diaz, what’s going on? Hm?” Oscar taps his sons knee and the big, dark orbs that resemble his father’s peer up. Oscar can be the typical Hispanic father that tends to be disciplinary but he has learned that talking helps a lot as well.

So Abel explains to his dad what happened at the store with your friend. About how you didn’t look like you wanted him around and how scared you seemed. He explained how the man looked at you and how he didn’t think he was good news.

The veins on Oscar’s neck and forehead begins to bulge the more his son explained about Tomas. Oscar is aware of who he is. When he was in Corcoran his homies always kept him up to date of the streets. And it upset him when he had to hear about this pendejo from the Santos rather than from you. But after you two had a heated conversation over the phone, your next visit you explained. And when Tomas kept persisting you, you finally had a restraining order and more protection from the Santos until Oscar got out.

Oscar comforts his son and tells him that he isn’t upset with him. “Hey, you protected your mom, so you did your part and I am proud of you.” He helps him get dried off and ready for bed. After tucking his son in, he checks on Ella who is softly snoring on her bed. He smiles that she has finally gotten use to sleeping alone. He closes their bedroom door and stands in the hall for a moment, sighing and wiping the tiredness from his eyes, making his way to you.

You’re hunched over the table looking over a tablet that carries the plans for the birthday party as well as thanksgiving since that’ll be in a month. “Want a beer?” You ask Oscar as he sits across from you but he waves you off.

“Tell me about that stunt Tomas pulled today.” 

Your eyes meet his and you freeze for a moment. Your chest is rising and falling as you try to figure out something to say, “He ran into us at the store. I told him to leave me alone and that’s all that happened. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I just..”

Oscar’s jaw clenches as you stare at him, your heart skipping each beat the longer he stares and doesn’t say anything. “And you didn’t tell me again because? Had to hear from Abel. Again, Y/N? Someone is bothering you, you tell me. You let me handle that shit. That’s why our call suddenly ended? Making the kids fuckin’ lie to me too?”

His anger is beginning to bubble over. You take slow breaths to keep your temper under control. With the past couple days you’ve been having, you had no energy to start arguing back. “I never told them to lie, I asked them to not mention it. It’s not lying, technically..”

“Oh, don’t give me that shit. Don’t be technical with me, that puto should know better than to be approaching you and even my own son could feel how much he bothered you. It’s a good thing I’m raising my son right to protect his mama.” Oscar stands and paces the kitchen.

“Babe, I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you..again. I had no idea that he would be there, you think if I knew that I would have went out today?” 

Oscar leans against the counter, fingers pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration, “I don’t know why I didn’t hear anything from the compas. Everyone knows, including him, he got a target on his head for what he did. This is why I tell you carry that gun in your purse. My kids were there. And I love you to the fuckin’ end, amor... but had something happened to one of them, a bullet would be in your fuckin’ head.”

He leaves you in the kitchen by yourself and you’re shocked at his words. Oscar has been a dad since he was a teenager, since the two of you met. You knew the lengths he’d go for Cesar, but for his kids? He’d take out anyone including you as he stated. You let out a shaky breath. 

You decide to give him sometime alone. He’s the most upset you’ve ever seen him and he is rightfully so but you weren’t sure how to fix it. You do what you think any man cannot resist, seducing them. At least this way you can ease into him forgiving you.

But when you enter your shared bedroom he is tucking his two kids in on your bed. You quirk your eyebrows up in confusion. Did he know you well enough that you’d use seduction to get his forgiveness? Oscar turns to see you standing in the doorway, “Why are the kids in here?”

“Heading out, I want them by you while I’m out.” He is shuffling around the room gathering things. The usual: keys, phone, wallet, gun, extra mag. You watch him as he looks to you, “Where exactly are you going, Oscar?” 

He breathes out through his nose and that’s enough for you to know. You don’t open your mouth to bicker as he is standing in front of you now, looking down at you with eyebrows creased together, “He ain’t getting near you or my kids again. Don’t leave the house or room, lock the bedroom door and don’t unlock it til I call you.”

Oscar steps away but stops to turn and pull your face towards his.He presses his lips to yours. You melt into it instantly, your hands grasping his forearms. The kiss deepening for a moment as your hands move up to cup his face. When he pulls back you are breathless. Craving more.

Then he is gone.

The house is quiet as you lay awake waiting for your boyfriend to return. Your fingers running through your son’s hair. Something you love to do and Abel loves you doing it too. Ella not so much though. She’s a verbal lover rather than a physical lover, the thought making you chuckle. How different your two kids are.

You’re pulled from your thoughts as you hear some shuffling from the living room, grabbing your phone you wait for it to ring with Oscar’s name but it never does. So you call out to him, “Babe?”

When you get no response you climb out of bed and quietly tip toe towards the bedroom door to get a better listen, maybe he is testing you to see if you’d listen to what he said about not unlocking the door until he calls. 

The buzzing of your phone pulls your attention and you see Oscar’s name pop up with the cutest picture of him and the two kids. You sigh in relief, unlocking the door and stepping out to an empty hallway.

“Oscar?” You call out and switch on the light but he isn’t there. You click the answer button and bring the phone to your ear. “Babe?”

“Hey, this puto is hiding, still nothing just checking on you. The kids still asleep?” When the words leave his lips, you close your eyes and feel a tear slide down your cheek. When you open them, Tomas is standing at the end of the hall, leaning against the wall watching you.

You hold the phone to your ear as you watch him put a single finger close to his lips signaling to be quiet about his presence. You could tell Oscar about him, then you could run to the room and lock the door. Quickly hide the kids in the bathroom for their safety and tell Abel to call his dad because so long as your kids are safe that’s all that matters. But what if he is quicker than you? What if he goes straight for the kids?

“Snoring like bears per usual. We’re okay, just be safe and Oscar?” You pause for a moment as Tomas gives you sickening, sinister look stalking towards you until he is standing right in front of you, his hands brushing against your exposed waist as you’re in a crop top. “Si?” Oscar answers you.

Tomas’ hands grab your chin and lifts it for you to look up at him, “When you find him, put a bullet right between his fucking eyes.” Tomas smiles and swipes his thumb on your lower lip, making you flinch.

Oscar chuckles, “You’re turning me on, mamas. Not much of him will be left. I’ll see you soon, te quiero.”

“Te quiero.” You say in a whisper as the line cuts. You try to step back but Tomas is quick, as you suspect he might be. He grabs ahold of the back of your head and into your hair. He pulls it back roughly with his body now pressed against you. “You have no idea how much I still want you. I think of you every single night. I remember how close you were to giving it to me. Hm.. you remember how badly you wanted me?”

You want to throw up, the feeling of him against you and his words makes you feel repulsed. His grip is iron-like and he is not letting up not until he gets what he wants and it’s obvious he wants you.

“P-please. M-my kids, let me close the door. Just let me at least close it.” Your bottom lip is trembling uncontrollably and the tears have been spilling over since the phone call with Oscar ended. He analyzes you. Are you trying to make an escape? He walks forward, pushing you back towards the bedroom door. And with his free hand reaches back to close the bedroom door, you look over shoulder at your sleeping kids as the door closes. Sending a little prayer for their safety.

He grabs your face and plant a sloppy kiss on your lips. You drown under him, not knowing how to win in this situation.

“So what do you do now?” 

Oscar voice causes his chest to vibrate which is right up against yours. He has your arms pinned under his, “Hm, I kiss you to distract you!” You tilt your head upwards to plant a chaste kiss on his lip. He smiles into the kiss and pulls his head back, “You gonna be kissing random dudes who run up on you, hm?”

You can’t help but laugh as he gives you a mischievous look. “Well if it works for me to distract them long enough, then yes!” Oscar rolls his eyes and nods his head to proceed with his defense lesson since you weren’t so keen on firearms, he’s teaching you physical defense.

“Fine, fine. So let’s say the kiss does distract the perp, if you have him in this kind of position? Jab here with all your might.” He points to his side right below his rib cage. “There’s a nerve that’ll cause them to tense up and give you a few seconds. That’s when it matters the most, those few seconds. So think before you do.”

You look at the spot Oscar had pointed to, you jab your fingers there and he tenses up like he says would happen. He curls over and you step back and laugh, making your quick escape.

That moment plays in your head. The kissing is a distraction, he has one of your arms pressed against him and it’s the perfect opportunity. Then the thought of how you asked Ella to pick up her toys that laid on the kitchen floor earlier infiltrates your memory as she never did considering she fell asleep.

You allow him to seep his tongue into your mouth and when you do, you feel him release the grip on your hair. This is the moment. With your fingers pointed, you dig your hand into his side, right below the rib cage and he retorts back. The same way Oscar had. You use your shoulder to push him into the wall which gives you enough space to move away from him.

Tomas recovers quicker than you hoped. So when you were going to leap over the pile of toys, hoping he would trip over them, you feel a grip on your hair once more and you’re sent flying back. The pain stinging your scalp, you yulp when you hit the ground. He is on you and his body suffocating you, “You stupid bitch! Pull that stunt again and I promise you’ll regret it.”

His hand hits your cheek and you cry out as you try to get him off you. The fear setting in as his hand reaches to his belt, the clinking of the metal making you terrified of what is to come next.

But it’s the sound of a gun cocking that stops Tomas trying to unbuckle his belt. He looks back towards the sound just as you do too. You’re heart breaks into a million pieces to see you 6 year old son holding a gun in his hand. His grip on it perfect, ready to fire. His stance, arms out and legs spread apart ready for the recoil.

“Son, go back in the room, please. Just go back to your sister.” Your voice trembles as Abel keeps his eyes on Tomas. In the moment, he resembles his papa more than ever. 

Abel shakes his head no, “Get off my mama. I know how to shoot a gun and I’ll shoot you, get off her now!” He sounds like his dad too, you can only sob.

“Mommy?” Ella’s voice sounds from behind Abel. Which distracts him. Tomas takes this opportunity to get the gun away from Abel, “No!” You cry out.

Despite the ache in your body, you sit up and jump on Tomas’ back just before he can reach your son, Ella is screaming scared as Abel runs to his little sister and stands in front of her. You hold onto Tomas with all your might, the strength of a mother is like no other, “Abel, go! Get your sister and run, baby! Run to Tio Cesar’s friends house, go!”

Tomas manages to get you off and slams you back into the wall. The blow stunning you, you have the wind completely knocked out of you. The back of his hand hits your face which causes you to fall over. You cry out as you see him step towards your kids. The fire of the gun sounds and Tomas cries out in pain holding his arm.

“Y/N!” You hear Cesar followed by footsteps. He is kneeling besides you as the Santos enter the house to check it out. “My babies, are they okay?” 

“Mama!” Abel calls out as he drops the gun and runs to you, you hold your arms open to embrace your son. Your brave baby boy. Fearless much like his father. Ella joins quickly and you squeeze them tightly.

They sob in your arms as you sit on the floor, the pain radiating throughout you numb from the love your kids are giving, “Y/N! Baby?!” Oscar’s voice booms through the house as he approaches you. He pulls Cesar away as he falls to his knees besides you. His arms envelopes all 3 of you.

Ella turns into her father’s chest, he can feel her thudding heartbeat. Tears stream down his face as he felt he let down his family but as the Santos grabbed the injured Tomas and dragged him out of the house, both of you sigh in relief that the worst is over.

“Mijo, you did it again. You protected your family and papa is so proud of you. You..” Oscar can’t form anymore words as he hugs his son and plants kisses on his head. You stand from the ground and use Oscar’s arm as support.

“Cesar take the kids to the bathroom, make sure they’re okay, por favor.” The younger Diaz nods and whisks away the little ones. Oscar pulls a chair out for you to sit, he kneels in front of you and examines the damage.

You look to him, eyes feeling puffy from the crying, “I’m sorry, I didn’t listen. I put our kids in danger and you’re right, I should have a bullet in my fucking head. I’m sorry, Oscar.” Your head falls as you sob hard, the hyperventilating causing hiccups.

“Baby, none of that shit matters. My kids are okay and you are now. He can’t do anything to hurt you anymore and I promise, you didn’t do nothing wrong. We’re lucky we’re raising a smart boy. I love you.” He wipes your face dry with his shirt and stands, pulling you into his warm, safe embrace.

You all take a shower and cuddle into the bed. Abel and Ella rest in between you and Oscar, embracing each other. Ella has her tiny head on her brother’s chest, forever his sister’s keeper. Oscar sighs as he intertwines your hands together, you look up at him as he gives you a soft smile.

This morning you woke a happy family and tonight you lay down a stronger one.

[trikruheart]

Bellamy Is The Abusive One, Not Octavia: A Rant/Meta

There’s two main “reasons” that people give when they claim that Octavia is abusive. That she beats up Bellamy after Lincoln’s murder, and that she has him put in The Fighting Pits.

Let’s start with the old discourse; Bellamy did get Lincoln killed, not Octavia. Bellamy is the person who got Pike into power, the person who stood by him even after seeing + being told multiple times by people he supposedly cares about that Pike was instituting facism and going to get everyone killed. Bellamy knowingly decided to be a Nazi even though he had other options and was aware of them. And, no, Nazi is not an exaggeration, Bellamy was 100% willing to wipe out an entire race just for being that race including putting them in concentration camp-like conditions to die.

Octavia is not at fault just because she didn’t accept Bellamy’s last minute “help”, he had given her absolutely no reason to trust him so it’s not her fault she didn’t. If my brother was fhe right-hand man of a fascist leader then I wouldn’t have trusted him that after he belittled my concerns several times and stopped me from escaping, he’ll get my boyfriend out of the camp he put him in to begin with. Octavia had no obligation to trust Bellamy after he did everything in his power to destroy her trust.

So, yes, Octavia beats up Bellamy. If I had just saw and heard the love of my life be murdered at the hands of the man that my own brother knowingly put in power then I probably would beat him up to. Especially if my brother had already been abusing me my whole life.

Side note: Let me also just point out that Bellamy was never adequately redeemed for that whole being a Nazi thing, everyone just pretended it never happened. Octavia herself even calls him out “You didn’t turn on Pike because you thought what he was doing to the grounders was wrong.” and he AGREES. Bellamy 👏 never 👏 earned 👏 redemption, because men in this show don’t need to be held accountable for their actions while women (mainly Octavia and Clarke) have to supplicate themselves to men and be dragged through the dirt mercilessly for every wrong breath they take.

The Fighting Pit issue is an even weaker example because Octavia didn’t put Bellamy in there because she was angry or wanted to (although she had every right to be) she did it because Bellamy publicly broke several laws and she would have completely undermined her own authority (and given special treatment, making her a poor leader) if she let him get away with treason, child endangerment, murder, and attempted assassination. Bellamy getting put in the fighting pit was a consequence of his own actions, one that he was well aware of. Octavia wasn’t being abusive, she was being a fair leader.

Now that that BS is out of the way, here’s a list of why Bellamy is abusive to Octavia:

1.) Bellamy has had all of the power in their relationship from day one. Octavia was literally trapped in a room and only able to interact with two people for sixteen years, Bellamy came and went as he pleased. Octavia was essentially a captive, she couldn’t have possibly been more powerless during the entire time their relationship was developing. Then when they get on the ground, Bellamy is almost instantly put in a position of power which he uses to isolate and control Octavia. There’s also the age difference, I think a lot of people forget that Bellamy is way older than all the other Skaikru. Bellamy is 23 at the start of the show and everyone else is under 18 (except Raven is 18). So, we’re talking about a barely 17-year-old girl, one who grew up extremely isolated so is even more immature than most kids her age, and a 23-year-old man who lived most of his life relatively normally.

The power difference entirely favors Bellamy. Octavia has no power over him at all pre-Blodreina (which we’ll get to that) so the idea that she could possibly abuse Bellamy is pretty absurd. Abuse is a habitual pattern of controlling and belittling behavior by someone with more (actual or perceived) power over another, Octavia had no power over Bellamy at all; Bellamy had an insane amount of power over her that he constantly abuses to isolate and control her.

2.) Bellamy supposedly goes to the ground to “protect” Octavia but his means of doing so are abusive and controlling. In season 1 alone; Bellamy uses physical intimidation and manhandling against Octavia several times, he terrorizes a harmless teenager (remember how he’s a grown ass adult? Yikes...) to keep him away from Octavia who was enjoying his company, then he tortures a man in front of her while she begs him to stop because he doesn’t care about her opinions (more in 4) and he’s the leader of The 100 so he can.

3.) The whole “my sister, my responsibility” thing that everyone thinks is so cute? Yeah, that’s emotional abuse. A figure of authority repeating to a child that they are a burden for existing is disgusting and so, so harmful. That phrase is a reinforcement of the more vicious things Bellamy has said “Mom was floated for having you, she’s dead because you’re alive!” and “My life ended the day you were born!”

4.) Bellamy is constantly belittling, dismissing, and patronizing all of Octavia’s opinions and identity.

“You turned this place into a story from your childhood. I mean, the red queen? It’s a joke.”

I’m not saying that Blodreina was a positive identity for Octavia, but it was something she was forced (remember, she didn’t seek power like Bellamy and Clarke did) to become to survive. Octavia was a mentally ill teenage girl with very limited exposure to the world who has never had any power in her entire life, and suddenly she was responsible for saving the human race. How fucking dare Bellamy mock her for basing her leadership off of stories WHAT THE HELL ELSE WOULD SHE BASE IT OF OFF???

Bellamy had a job and a life on The Arc, Octavia never left her room and had no way of seeing the outside world except through stories. She has literally no reference for ruling, or anything else, except those stories and her brief time with the Grounders. Fuck you and your privilege, Bellamy.

On top of that, Octavia actually did save the human race. That “joke” kept humanity alive.

“It is time to stop playing Grounder before you get yourself hurt.”

Yes, how dare she identify with the only people who have ever accepted her and treated her like a human being. How about you stop “playing” Nazi before you get us everyone killed. Seriously, Octavia is not allowed to disagree with Bellamy without him grabbing her arm and talking down to her like she’s a toddler throwing a tantrum.

5.) As soon as Octavia is in a position of power, one she didn’t even ask for, Bellamy’s abuse gets progressively crueler because he’s trying to regain control. He starts actively using Octavia’s mental illness against her and literally suicide baits her several times.

There is NO excuse. None at all. To tell someone who is severely mentally ill, traumatized, and an active suicide risk that “I wish you were dead” and “you’re already dead”. Trying to push someone to suicide and using someone’s mental illness to hurt them, let alone your own sister, is one of the most evil things you can do. The fact that so much of the fandom ignores this genuinely makes me sick.

Bellamy chooses those words because he knows that is what will hurt Octavia the most and he wants to hurt her. Bellamy has heard Octavia say that she’s already dead when she’s at her lowest points, he knows that those are the words that haunt her and drive her to want to kill herself, and that’s why he uses them as a weapon. Notice that he says them multiple times and at very purposeful times, this is not something he yelled once when he was angry; we see him calmly make the choice to say these things to her several times when he is losing control and wants to break her back down to the helpless little girl who was always happy to see him because of her Stockholm Syndrome.

6.) I think trying to MURDER Octavia THREE FUCKING TIMES deserves its own point. Bellamy poisons Octavia, he suicide baits her and let’s her go through with it (someone else stops her, Bellamy makes no move to), and then he leaves her to die with a lovely extra “My sister is dead” for the road.

7.) Octavia spends most of season 6 groveling and trying to “earn” back Bellamy’s love and we see clearly that “earning” Bellamy’s love means being utterly powerless and subservient. Bellamy loved Octavia when she was a captive little girl but suddenly he can’t produce an ounce of human decency towards her? And don’t give me some “but she’s Blodreina” like Mr. Nazi has any room to judge Octavia for becoming a dictator out of desperation when she didn’t know what else to do and she was forced in a very, very difficult leadership position that she never wanted and all of humanity relied on.

My point is basically that Bellamy’s love is conditional, he holds it over Octavia’s head like a fucking dog treat. He wants “his sister” back but what does that mean? He wants back the scared little girl who couldn’t leave one room and was entirely dependent on him. It’s Octavia having autonomy that Bellamy hates, not her being “evil” because Bellamy is 500x as evil as Octavia and I will die on that hill. You’re telling me that Bellamy of all people is soooo upset that his sister was forced to kill some people in the context of war and keeping humanity alive? As if Bellamy isn’t a mass murderer who has killed way more people for way less. Give me a fucking break. “Octavia is dead” because Bellamy’s victim is dead and he can’t handle that.

But, please, do tell me again how two isolated incidents over six years apart from each other that are both the direct consequences of Bellamy’s autonomous choices make Octavia “eMoTiOnAllY AbUsIvE tO pOoR WitTlE BeLl”.

[in-tua-deep]

What are your thoughts on Vanya’s book? I’m torn between knowing it was an empowering thing for her and being like damn girl, you were all abused, not cool putting that out there without their consent. The lines I’ve seen from it were about how Vanya’s siblings treated her but I don’t see how she can talk about their childhood without the abuse coming up. Do you think Vanya would have to apologize for the book as part of improving the siblings relationships?

I think that Vanya’s book was very important for her to write - for herself. I don’t think she should have published it without the consent of her siblings, because Vanya does not exist in a vacuum. If you think Allison was not absolutely grilled over the contents of that book in interviews and it didn’t continuously pop up in her world you’re wrong. And anyone who both knew the other siblings and read the book might make comments or ask questions or make assumptions. Vanya wrote an entire book about how terribly she was treated and then pointed the finger at her siblings.

Because the issue is this: Vanya was abused. Horrifically and terribly abused and neglected. She was drugged for the majority of her life against her consent, frequently emotionally abused and belittled, and isolated from the rest of her siblings. She has a right to be angry. BUT. That does not erase the fact that her siblings were all also abused and victims. And Vanya was so wrapped up in her own pain she couldn’t really see that. 

Of course, the reverse is also true. The others were all wrapped up in their own trauma to the extent that they never considered Vanya’s point of view or the ways that Vanya was being abused.

But imagine for a moment that you father raises you as a child soldier. You and all your siblings except one. While you’re running drills and learning to fight and gathering bruises and the only time you’re allowed to yourself is half an hour during the weekend - the life of the one sibling who is allowed to pursue her own passions (violin) and is generally ignored by your drill sergeant father seems to have it pretty darn good wouldn’t you think? You’d give your left leg to be invisible or not be forced to do the training. You’d give your left leg to have her freedom.

And then she publishes an entire book painting you the bad guy because, what, you didn’t include her in your half an hour of freetime? You had better things to do trying to survive your father’s regime than take a few to play happy family with her? You look at this book and ignore all the emotional abuse and gaslighting that she’s highlighting because you think she had it easy, and she’s saying in here that she was jealous of the attention your father gave you. Jealous. As if gaining your dad’s attention was ever a good thing. 

She spills a whole bunch of family secrets. Discusses your brother’s death, something you find very private (maybe you even witnessed it and she didn’t), with the entire world. She drags up all the shitty things you did as a child. A child raised in an emotionally and honestly probably physically abusive household from which your only adult human role model was your asshole father. He built you a robotic mother who obeys his orders and parrots his words. The only other person is a chimpanzee who also only ever seems to regurgitate Reginald’s ideas and always defended him even though he was hurting you. Abusing you.

Vanya deserved to write down those thoughts and discuss them. With a therapist. Or friends. Or anonymously!  Maybe a blog and give everyone pseudonyms and work through it that way. Because like it or not, her siblings did hurt her. They probably gaslit her about how bad things were, blowing her off because clearly her life wasn’t that bad. And they’d probably roll their eyes and call her lucky that she wasn’t included in training anyway. And Vanya would have to grit her teeth and smile and agree because it’s six against one.

Vanya was abused. But that doesn’t mean her siblings weren’t equally abused. Honestly I bet if Vanya had called up Diego and was like “hey I’m writing a whole book about how much growing up with old Reggie fucking sucked, thinking about publishing, wanna help?” Diego would be the first one on board like “HELL YEAH let’s ruin dad’s whole career I have like, seven stories about child endangerment off the top of my head let’s go”

the book we deserved to have was a collab by the whole family offering different points of views and discussing the trauma their siblings didn’t get to see - like private training. 

So what I’m saying is that Vanya does write a sequel to her book. Except this time it’s with everyone sharing. That’s the apology. The opportunity to set the record straight with what they’re comfortable sharing with the world. 

Luther can talk about never feeling good enough, can talk about his isolation at the top of the pyramid and his relationship with Allison who was also there. He can talk about impossible standards and his father never using his name. Strained muscles and terrible testing. The nonconsensual body modification and the isolation on the moon. The realization that four years of his life had been wasted because his dad never even bothered to read the reports - he didn’t even care enough to try. He can talk about the fact that he was so raised up as a child that he feels like a failure at everything he does now. 

Allison can talk about her father forcing her to rumor her sister when they were both four years old. She can talk about the training, having to rumor her siblings and then later the random people Reginald would bring to her. Delivery men and door to door salesmen and girlscouts who were always rumored to forget after. (And then the homeless people, the people no one would miss. The ones who weren’t rumored to forget after because they didn’t go home. She doesn’t write about them though). She can talk about rumoring her way through life and never learning how to get anything without forcing people to give it to her. Constantly on the offensive. The way that’s impacted her career, her relationships.

Diego can talk about never being good enough. His stutter that Reginald had no patience with. The training, being forced to throw knives at the one person in the world he really truly cares about as she smiles at him with her plastic smile. Trying desperately to keep Klaus from drowning under the weight of Reginald’s expectations when he was barely treading water himself after Ben’s death. Leaving the first chance he did and never looking back. The way he still tried to prove himself by joining the police academy, and when he failed at that by becoming a vigilante. 

Klaus can talk about his father throwing him in a fucking mausoleum. Being scared of the dark and claustrophobic. The ghosts he sees screaming behind his eyelids and sometimes even when his eyes are open. The one escape that he found being looked down on by everyone around him when he was only doing his very best to survive because the sad truth is that he could not live that way. Not how it was. He can talk about Ben showing up after his death, and nobody believing him. Being homeless. Living on the streets with no one but a ghostly follower for company. Every moment of sobriety in that house was one of fear - and Klaus is just so very tired of being afraid. (Maybe he can bring himself to talk about Dave, the one person that made him feel safe and protected and loved and how he lost him. Maybe he can’t.)

Ben can talk through Klaus about his own life. He was forced to kill people against his will with a power he couldn’t really control and that he was afraid of. He ended missions covered in blood that he never wanted to shed. Then his death which was reportedly very bad. Then showing up again and only being able to talk to Klaus. Not being able to hug him or stop him or intervene - forced to become a spectator to his brother overdosing over and over again. Loving him but being so angry that he’s squandering the chances Ben wishes he could once again have. 

Five can talk about growing up pushing the boundaries and the way the others only seemed to notice when Reginald praised him and never when he was punished. And he was punished. Reginald tried over and over again to get Number Five to come to heel and never quite succeeded. Every point Five gained in his own personal score was gained through blood and bruises and willpower. There’s all that to talk about, and then there’s the time travel and forty years of isolation and Dolores and becoming an assassin and his plethora of issues regarding that he doesn’t even need to get into to make a whole book of his own. Coming back and seeing that cold portrait sitting on the mantle and knowing that Reginald used his presumed death in order to further control his siblings. 

And they write it together, sitting in the living room and contradicting each other’s memories of events (”No, Dad caught us because you tripped on the table!” “Nuh uh! It was because Klaus was whispering too loudly!” “Actually guys looking back I’m pretty sure Dad just checked the cameras and noticed us leaving.”) and maybe they don’t publish it! They don’t have to! Or maybe they do, taking out all the bits about, you know, murder and all of that sorry Ben they could probably just downgrade the language to ‘hurting a lot of people’ though I mean. He’s dead it’s not like they can charge him with excessive use of force at this point. 

And it’s a bonding experience. And they all come out of it better understanding that they were all traumatized and abused and groomed and gaslighted and neglected and just overall their childhoods were shit. Five will defend Vanya’s book with his fucking life and probably is instrumental in making the others see that just because her abuse looked different doesn’t make it less valid. And he’s also instrumental in making Vanya see that just because the others abuse looked different doesn’t make it any less valid, either. 

Do yeah, have enough material for a sequel? There’s enough material for a fucking series. 

Honestly though genuinely do you know what I think would have been a way better and more empowering move on Vanya’s part? Writing a fiction novel about an ordinary child in a world of magic and superpowers who saves the world. Writing about her own life through the lens of fiction. Basing her characters on real people, yeah, but not writing a tell all book about people whose lives it would very much still affect. Plus, I bet the others would actually read the book at least and recognize it. 

I mean, if they read an entire book about a character who was excluded and belittled and ignored and told she wasn’t worth anything because she wasn’t special in the context of this fictional world, I think they would sympathize. And then if Vanya told them hey, actually this is me projecting and I really did feel this way a lot then it might go over a sight better than hey I’m writing about our childhoods and all your friends are going to read about it

and honestly?? I think that’s a story that needs to be told to other little girls as well. Maybe they aren’t literally being told they’re ordinary because they don’t have superpowers, but there’s a lot of girls who are told they aren’t special and can’t do things and having an ordinary character save the world is an important and inspiring narrative. And it might help Vanya get some closure, because she gets to come up with an end to the story. Wish fulfillment. She gets to write about an ordinary little girl who saved the world. Or maybe she didn’t save the world. Maybe she saved her piece of the world and left the rest up to the people with powers. Small acts of kindness that change everything, for some people.

(and it would reach more people than whoever reads autobiographies and memoirs)

I have a lot of feelings about the book as you can probably tell lmao

I just think the book could have been handled better on Vanya’s part. But I also think she had a right to write it because she had a LOT of stuff to work through. Honestly I think the book originally began from an exercise her therapist gave her and took on a life of its own until it reached the publisher. But like I said, she doesn’t exist in a vacuum and her actions have effects on other people - specifically her family. 

Granted, it’s not like I’ve read the book in its entirety and can’t judge it because of that. But the others had a right to their privacy and I don’t blame them for feeling angry and betrayed because of that invasion of privacy I mean damn. And I doubt Vanya put any of the good stuff in there really, mostly bad. Because that’s how she was feeling.

(If I wrote a book about my childhood with my brother - I could talk about how he sold our joint runescape account without consultation despite all the hours I put in. I could talk about him chasing me through the house or eating my chocolate that I was saving. I could talk about some of his shitty views and his self-isolation, how he would call me stupid and never let me play with him. When he purposefully ditched me in Mini-Amsterdam when I was six and I had to find someone to call my mum for me. Maybe the time he left me on the school bus when I fell asleep next to him. When he pushed me into a bank of nettles, ouch. Or I could talk about how when my balloon popped when I was seven, he gave me his balloon. Or the time he won me a toy starfish on a crane machine. Or when he took me to school after my surgery so I could pick up my homework and when I went back before I was ready he was the one to pick me up again. Or the time when my sister and her friend were being horrible and he let me hang out with him and his friend in their secret base even though he usually didn’t give me the time of day.)

At the end of the day, you can frame people any way you want, and Vanya was going for the bad stuff. Because she was hurting. And she hurt them. And she needs to acknowledge that, so yeah I do think she needs to apologize for writing the book without asking or consulting in order to improve their relationship. I think the others need to apologize to her as well for what little shits they were as kids, because their own abuse is a reason but it doesn’t excuse what they did, either. Vanya was abused and they hurt her and they need to apologize for that. But that didn’t give Vanya the right to hurt them back, so she has to apologize as well if that makes sense??

I dunno this ended up longer than I thought it would oof but I hope it answers your question!!

[thesnadger]

eregyrn-falls replied to your post “Channel Zero is, in theory, a show where each story is based off a...”

Hmm... okay, so a question is: if I'm a real Horror Wimp, would this be for me? Because mostly I'm a HUGE horror wimp. (going back to those SAR stories -- the first time i came across the first couple of posts, they freaked me out enormously. for some reason, when i came back to them a couple of months ago, and reread them, and read the rest, i was less truly scared by them. but like... yeah, even that level of thing can massively affect me.)

It depends? Every season is very different, and has a different type of horror. Also, gore and certain themes are easy to identify but it’s always a little hard to say what is “too scary” since that can vary so much from person to person.

Extremely long analysis of the various seasons under the cut:

For Season 1 I’d mostly want to give a content warning for child death and endangerment. There is a lot of that, really the story revolves around it. I don’t remember a lot of gore, but there is certainly violence and, again, a significant amount of it happens to children. Besides that there’s a lot of cool creepy imagery.

Season 2, aside from one or two moments, doesn’t have a lot of violence or blood. But it is one of the most psychologically affecting pieces of media I’ve ever seen. It’s quite possible that it hit me harder than it would most people because of some of the themes it touches on being very difficult for me. But that said I found it very intense, and there are points where it was even emotionally draining.

There was a point in the middle where I thought to myself, “I don’t like this. This is torture porn, not physical torture but emotional torture.” But I’m very, very very glad I kept watching because the second half of the series and the ending turned me around 100% and made me want to give it a standing ovation. 

(I’ll never fully forgive it for not giving Jules’s story the time it deserved but what it did with Margot’s story was still incredible.)

The ending taught me something about writing, horror writing in particular: you can take your characters through the absolute depths of hell if you want. BUT. If you do that, there has to be something they gained from it. Something important and significant, that they would not otherwise have had. 

(And just saying “they’re stronger because they went through all this” DOESN’T COUNT, it needs to be something you show that we can really believe they gained and couldn’t have had otherwise.)

That doesn’t necessarily mean they are better off for having gone through hell. Margot also loses many things she doesn’t get back, she loses more than she gains. But she still gains something very important. And the mixed emotions of pain, comfort, validation, sorrow and things I can’t even really name that the ending left me with stayed with me for a long time.

Content warning is probably required for depression/mental health stuff, parental death, suicide, and possibly abusive relationships? 

Season 3 has a lot more gore, though it’s mostly the “fun, silly horror gore” type. In fact, there’s a whole lot more fun and silliness in general in Season 3. Though I’d hesitate a bit to call it “lighter” because there are definitely some heavy themes in it.

One of the most interesting things about Season 3 is the way it deals with schizophrenia. Horror media is usually terrible with mental health in general and schizophrenia in particular, (hell, all media is pretty terrible when it comes to representing schizophrenia.) And while I think Season 3 has a few missteps that I won’t get into because spoilers, it may be one of the most sympathetic, least demonizing/fetishizing depictions of schizophrenia I’ve ever seen? (A low bar to step over, admittedly, but still.)

The two protagonists of Season 3 are a pair of sisters. One (Zoe) has schizophrenia, the other (Alice) is about to reach the age where it typically manifests. Since their mother also has schizophrenia, Alice is well aware that it’s highly likely she does too. Alice’s fear of the insidious onset of schizophrenia, Zoe’s feelings about her own illness and the tension between the two sisters over these feelings drives the emotional core of the story.

There’s also a secondary theme about the types of people who fall through the cracks of society, who authority figures and law enforcement officers are willing to look the other way on. (And while again, there are a couple of points I would criticize on this front, it works that theme into their story very well.)

Of all the seasons this is the one I’m most likely to rewatch. A good story with some interesting themes and a lot of fun moments. Good characters, creepy, surreal imagery and fun, over-the-top gore. 

(Might be worth an animal death cw because there’s a moment where you see a cat die but it turns out to be in someone’s mind and the cat is fine.)

Season 4 is a more of a creepy mystery mixed with a personal story. It dives back into the psychological, but I personally found it much less emotionally intense than Season 2. (This is kind of a good thing, even though Season 2 was impressive as hell two seasons like that would have probably been exhausting.) 

Which isn’t to say it doesn’t get emotional, or put the protagonist through some intense shit. There are some strong themes of trust and betrayal, as well as sooooooome . . . really creepy shit? And I mean creepy as in “unsolicited nude pics” creepy.

There’s also some violence, you see a few pretty bloody, brutal murders. (I personally have a high tolerance for blood, gore and guts but a low tolerance for human pain and suffering.) These murders didn’t bother me particularly, but it may vary for others.

Also there is . . . uh . . . arguably some animal death and child death? It really depends on how you define ‘death’? Honestly hard to say.

[kristin-ashe]

Narcissistic Abuse

Speaking out about abuse is hard. Identifying abuse when you’re a child (even as an adult!) is even harder. I wanted to make a post about some of the common types of abuse, and share some examples from my personal life. 

Psychology Today describes the mindset of a narcissist: 

Narcissists don’t really love themselves. Actually, they’re driven by shame. It’s the idealized image of themselves, which they convince themselves they embody, that they admire.

Narcissistic Abuse may be emotional, mental, physical, financial, or sexual. The following examples of abuse are taken directly from Psychology Today

Verbal abuse: belittling, bullying, accusing, blaming, shaming, demanding, ordering, threatening, criticizing, sarcasm, raging, opposing, undermining, interrupting, blocking, and name-calling. Note that many people occasionally make demands, use sarcasm, interrupt, oppose, criticize, blame, or block you. Consider the context, malice, and frequency of the behavior before labeling it narcissistic abuse.

Manipulation: Generally, manipulation is indirect influence on someone to behave in a way that furthers the goals of the manipulator. Often, it expresses covert aggression. Think of a “wolf in sheep’s clothing.” On the surface, the words seem harmless – even complimentary; but underneath you feel demeaned or sense a hostile intent. If you experienced manipulation growing up, you may not recognize it as such.

Emotional blackmail: Emotional blackmail may include threats, anger, warnings, intimidation, or punishment. It’s a form of manipulation that provokes doubt in you. You feel fear, obligation, and or guilt, sometimes referred to as “FOG”

Gaslighting: Intentionally making you distrust your perceptions of reality or believe that you’re mentally incompetent.

Negative contrasting: Unnecessarily making comparisons to negatively contrast you with the narcissist or other people.

Sabotage: Disruptive interference with your endeavors or relationships for the purpose of revenge or personal advantage.

Exploitation and objectification: Using or taking advantage of you for personal ends without regard for your feelings or needs.

Lying: Persistent deception to avoid responsibility or to achieve the narcissist’s own ends.

Withholding: Withholding such things as money, sex, communication or affection from you.

Neglect: Ignoring the needs of a child for whom the abuser is responsible. Includes child endangerment; i.e., placing or leaving a child in a dangerous situation.

Violence: Violence includes blocking your movement, pulling hair, throwing things, or destroying your property.

Financial abuse: Financial abuse might include controlling you through economic domination or draining your finances through extortion, theft, manipulation, or gambling, or by accruing debt in your name or selling your personal property.

Isolation: Isolating you from friends, family, or access to outside services and support through control, manipulation, verbal abuse, character assassination, or other means of abuse.

Personal Examples:

For these examples, I will refer to the individual in my life as NA (Narcissist Abuser). 

When I was young, I was always so scared to ask NA if I could have a sleepover at a friends house. Their response was always something that aimed to make me feel guilty and force me to reassure them. NA would respond with something like “you hate it here? Our home isn’t good enough? Well then why don’t you just go live with them since it’s so much better at their house?” This forced me, even as a child, to reassure NA that I was very grateful for my house, it wasn’t anything personal, I just wanted to have a fun sleepover with a friend. 

When I was a teenager, I had surgery. Upon from waking up from anesthesia (still groggy), I asked to see my mom and my boyfriend at the time. This caused NA to leave, and then not speak to me for a couple weeks (not even a text to check-in on my recovery) in order to punish me for not asking to see them first.

Throughout college, NA was assisting me with some finances. Because of this, NA had free reign to say anything to me, knowing I could not stand up for myself for fear of retaliation. If there was ever a fight, NA would simply shut off my phone and threaten to take away my car. 

One day in college I was sitting in class, when I got an email that my student loans had not been paid and I would be ejected from all classes. NA had said he would help that year, and never informed me that he had decided to no longer assist. I broke down in class. This was just another example of NA showing the power he still had over me.

NA claimed to be helping me navigate with student loans, but unbeknownst to me (I would find out years after college), NA had taken out loans in my name without my knowledge. 

I remember a time when I was very young where NA was physically abusive toward my mother. My mom had been at Target and apparently unreachable by phone.  Upon her return home, NA slapped her across the face. My brother and I were hiding behind the couch, crying. He would later sit us down and explain what he did was wrong, he shouldn’t have hit her, he was just angry. But this would not be the only instance of physical violence.

My mother and NA were out at a Christmas party, a rare social outing since NA preferred to keep his family isolated (and therefore easier to control). My mother had been talking with one of our neighbors (a man). NA left the party without telling her, took the car, and went home. He would not answer the phone and left her stranded at the party, all to punish her for her perceived wrongdoing.

When I was 14 or 15, NA and I got into an argument. It had escalated to the point where I feared for my safety. I left the house and called my boyfriend’s mom, and she came to pick me up and let me stay with them until my mom got home. 

When my mom informed NA she was filing for divorce, NA laughed in her face, saying, “You can’t divorce me, what are you going to do?”

Recently, NA stated to my sister “oh honey, you’re not smart enough to go to grad school”

A big fight preceded the eventual end of the “relationship” between myself and NA. My sister needed help with paying for school and was feeling desperate. I went to several people asking for financial help for her, including my grandmother (NA’s mom). He found out, and realized this made him look very bad as he had probably been telling everyone that he was paying for my sister’s college. He flipped out on me, yelling how that it is HIS family, not mine, and I had no right to go to them. He said I would not even have a relationship with them if it wasn't for him (technically/biological true, but it was meant to hurt me).

How to Handle Narcissistic Abuse

How to Spot Narcissistic Abuse

If you’re experiencing abuse and/or are in crisis, text Crisis Text Line at 741-741, or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255 (TALK).

[sleepyfaceandsnark]

Lights Will Guide You Home

"...and ignite your bones"

Ian wakes up on morning, distraught over leaving Mickey, to find a stranger by his bed. Or was he a stranger at all?

Ian walks home from work filled with exhaustion in so many ways. The journey almost pitch black from the shitty street lights not working. He opens the door, the light from inside killing his eyes, and finds Lip and Fiona drinking on the couch.  

“Hey, man,” Lip greets him. “Wanna join?”

Ian offers a fake smile to his siblings. Not having a genuine since…  He things Since you broke up with the man you loved and did nothing as he got chased away with your gun toting half-sister…or was she your cousin. Who the fuck knows. It’s not like your siblings pay enough attention to you to realize your smile isn’t real.

“Nah,” Ian says. “Had a long day. Think I’ll just go to bed.”

“Aww,” Fiona groans, she already seems to be drunk. Drunk Fiona was always a lot of fun. Ian thinks before he shrugs lightly still smiling and heads to the stairs.

Ian’s face drops as soon as he’s out of sight. He gets to his bedroom, Lip’s old one, and starts taking off his clothes.

He sits on the edge and sighs. Another day end, another failed relationship that couldn’t fill the void that was left by-

Ian can’t say his name. Doesn’t want to. It’s left at the back of his throat and he swallows it down hard.

He lays his head on the pillow and welcomes the dreams that will let him escape this reality, at least for a little while.

  The morning comes too quickly, the night was filled with tossing and turning and Ian wakes up as he usually does…still tired. His mind is full of regret, guilt, and whatever the hell else kept him up at night and haunted him in his slumber. He rubs his eyes, his body acting hungover despite him not having a drink last night. This is typical until he gets some caffeine in him. Though not even caffeine could hide the disgust and general hatred for himself he felt whenever he thought about…him… Mickey. He lets him think of his name. The man he loved and left again and again. He tried to bury everything he felt with man-hopping and his new job but it didn’t work and Ian knew it.

The bright sun blinds him as Ian looks towards the opened window.

He sighs and turns over to his side and notices a large lump by him on the bed. At first he thinks it’s a pillow but quickly realizes it’s a person. He quickly shifts all the way to the other side of the bed. It’s probably someone Frank let in for some cash or drugs. Won’t be the first time.

Ian leans back and extends his leg slowly pushing the person further and further off the bed until they get close enough to the edge and Ian kicks them off as forceful as he can.

A loud thump is heard and a groan soon after. Ian quickly jumps off the bed and grabs the bat he always has by his bed.

“Well that’s one fucking way to wake up.” The person says. It’s mumbled enough that Ian can’t quite make out if he knows them or not.

He comes over to the side of the bed the person fell out, his grip on the bat tightening. He can see now it’s a man though most of his body is still covered by the sheets that fell with him.

Ian holds up the bat higher and is about to shout at the man when the man’s arm escape his cover prison to rub his head and Ian sees his hand.

The bat slips out of Ian’s fingers and crashes down on the floor making a worse noise then the body that hit it a few minutes ago.

It can’t be he thinks but he sees it clearly.

 U-UP

 “What’s with the Leonidas death kick, man?” The dark haired man asks pulling the covers off himself to look up at Ian.

Ian says nothing.

“You know from that 300 movie? Kicks the dude down the endless pit?”

Ian looks at what is clearly Mickey but he can’t believe it.

“You okay?” Mickey asks lightly.

“What’re…how are…what are you doing here?” Ian finally gets out barely above a whisper.

“Umm…” Mickey looks around like maybe Ian was talking to someone else but nope they were in Ian’s room. The same room they shared for months. “I live here..?”

Ian shakes his head. “No …Mexico. You’re in Mexico.”

Mickey chuckles like Ian was playing some joke on him. Like some candid camera dude was going to pop out from under the bed.

“Think you got me confused with Frank.”

“What?”

“Remember when Frank disappeared for like 3 months a while back. Wasn’t he in Mexico?”

“Yeah…I guess. I don’t remember but…no you’re supposed to be there. I don’t understand.”

Mickey gets up and gets close to Ian. Not reacting to Ian backing away slight.

“You okay? Maybe your pills are making you see things or something? We can go to the doctor get you a different dosage?”

A sudden panic rises in Ian. No doctor. “NO! …No it’s fine I just…” Just touch him, Ian thinks. Touch him and you’ll know. Ian doesn’t want to. Ian doesn’t want to touch Mickey’s face and feel nothing there. He wants to be with him, here, the way it’s supposed to be. But he can’t live a lie…it’ll be worse in the end.

So Ian hesitates but reaches out to touch Mickey’s face. The dark haired man looking at him curious.

Ian’s hand makes contact with Mickey’s cheek and it’s…flesh. It’s real. He’s real. Ian’s eyes go wide. “M-Mick?”

Mickey reaches to touch Ian’s wrist that’s attached to the hand on his cheek.

“What is it, Ian? You’re freaking me out a bit man.”

“You’re…”

“Are you seeing things again like with the MTs?”

MTs…MTs fuck… Ian thinks. If this is real…like really real what time was he in? Did the MTs already come after him? Did Sammi…? Fuck Sammi.

“No…no I just had…some weird fucking dream. Can I ask you something?”

Mickey sighs with slight relief. “Yeah sure..?”

“The MTs…them coming after me…”

Mickey looks down showing guilt.

Okay so that means it happened. Not that it was Mickey’s fault at all. But if that happened what happened with Sammi?

“I know it was um Sammi that told them and shit you didn’t…do anything to her?”

Mickey eyes Ian curiously. “What do you mean?”

“Like…revenge or something. Cause Mickey please I swear it’s not worth it. She doesn’t matter. I don’t want you to-“

Mickey holds his hand up and cuts Ian off “Woah, woah hey. Its fine dude it’s taken care of”

Ian looks at Mickey sadly and looks down. No, no, no.

“She got arrested from some child endangerment or abuse or something I don’t know.”

“Wait…she got arrested?”

Mickey titters and nods. “Yeah, Ian. Fiona practically threw a party. You don’t remember?”

Ian sighs relieved. “No I do. I do it just kind of slipped.”

“Mhmm...” Mickey nods. Still concerned about Ian’s behavior. “Must’ve been a really bad dream.” Mickey groans and rubs his back where he fell. “A really bad dream.” He side eyes Ian in mock anger but breaks it and smiles shaking his head.

“I’m sorry about the,” Ian gestures to the bed. “Kicking.”

“Oh yeah. Don’t think you’re not gonna make up for that later.” Mickey raises his brow and sticks his tongue out.  

Gladly, Ian thinks.

Ian tries to think of where they are though. Time wise. Were they backwards where he just got out from the MTs and seeing Monica or did time go by like Mickey never got arrested? How’s he supposed to get clues without freaking Mickey out further?

Mickey leaves the room to head downstairs and Ian checks outside to see what kind of weather was out there. The sun was out so at least it wasn’t winter but…sometimes fall can look like summer. And it was fall when… No don’t think about that. Sammi is in jail. Mickey is safe. Here. With you.

Ian sighs and follows Mickey downstairs.

“You off today right?” Mickey asks as soon as Ian’s feet cause the stairs to creak behind Mickey.

“Umm” Shit work. Ian thinks. Did he have the EMT job? Or was he stuck still at the club? Or the diner? “Work?”

“Yeah…does the station need you today?”

Station? So he was still an EMT? Or something else?

“The station for…”

Mickey’s confused like he was missing something. “Ambulances. EMTs.”

Ian gives a look of joy and pride. “I’m still an EMT.” He says softly, thinking Mickey wouldn’t hear him.

“I sure hope so. You worked so fucking hard to get there.”

“I did? I mean I did.” He looks at Mickey again carefully. “Can you tell me about that again?”

Mickey rubs his eyes. Clearly done with Ian acting weird but going with it anyway. “Um well you were fucked up about not being able to do the army shit anymore. I mean that was your dream”

No. Ian thinks. It really wasn’t. My dream was you. But Ian nods.

Mickey sighs. “And uhh I don’t know you hated that diner job and that shitty janitor job after that and I started thinking you were really good at helping people so…” Mickey shrugs. “I threw some stuff at you. That seemed to have stuck.”

Ian smiles softly and nods. “Right. I remember.”

“Yeah you just like boasting about it huh?” Mickey smirks.

“Ha-ha yeah maybe.”

Mickey shakes his head as if to say this fuckin asshole. He goes to the fridge.

“Hey um speaking of Frank that you mentioned earlier,” Ian starts. “What’s he up to?”

“Huh?” Mickey turns around to Ian. He almost laughs. “Why?”

Ian shrugs. He couldn’t say it would help him place when exactly he was. “Umm just you know would like to avoid him.”

“He do something?”

“Nah. Since when do I need a reason to avoid Frank?”

“True.” Mickey accepts and then thinks. His eyes brighten when he finds what he’s looking for. “OH that’s right. He was doing that homeless shit remember?”

Franks always doing homeless shit. This him fighting a homeless guy. Him begging with Liam, or Debbie, or both? Hopefully not when he made that homeless shelter then that’d mean he was almost where he left. And…he’d be there.

“Homeless thing?”

“I don’t know like housing them or some shit. I’m trying to figure out what’s in it for Frank but I guess time will tell.”

Ian breathes in, suddenly nervous. “You mean the one a few doors down?”

“Is it?”

Maybe in this version of it its somewhere else.

Ian shrugs.

“I just heard Frank wanted a new family after we kicked him out of here for like what the 100th time? Guess he finally had enough.” Mickey says as he fishes through the fridge.

He takes out butter and goes to the bread box. He throws the bag on the table and takes out 2 pieces. He notices Ian’s face.

“You look worried.”

Ian shakes his head out of his trance. “Huh? Nah I was just thinking.”

“That dream really fucked you up, huh?”

“Yeah…yeah it did.”

Ian sighs and sits on the stool by the counter.

They eat in silence, Ian thinking Mickey observing Ian.

 After breakfast they head to the living room. Or rather Mickey heads there and Ian just doesn’t want to leave his side.

“Hey,” Mickey says peering out the window to the front of the house. “Looks like you were right.”

“Huh?” Ian asks.

“There’s signs outside advertising Frank’s ‘Homeless Shelter’.”

“Oh?”

That doesn’t mean anything Ian thinks. Frank is always up to stupid shit like that of course that wouldn’t change.

Mickey throws back the curtain and grabs his jacket from the sofa.

“What’re you doing?” Ian asks watching Mickey.

“Gonna check it out.”

“W-why?”

Mickey shrugs and walks towards the door.

Ian panics and makes his way to Mickey as fast as he can but Mickey’s already out the door.

“Mickey where are you going?”

“Seeing what exactly Frank is up to?”

“Why?”

“So we can expose his ass.”

“Why don’t we just let him be?” Ian suggests looking from Mickey to the location of Frank’s Shelter.

“What?” Mickey asks, confused.

“Just come inside. Who gives a shit about what Frank’s doing?”

Mickey sighs. “What’s with you?”

Ian opens his mouth to answer when he sees a car pulling up by the curb. He recognizes it from the other time.

Ian runs down the stairs to Mickey who’s now facing the car. Ian tugs his sleeve. “Let’s go inside. Please?”

“Hey do you know whose house this is?” The guy getting out of the car asks making his way to the boys. Before he can make it in front of them Ian’s already back up the stairs to his house.

“Yeah it’s his-“, Mickey says turning back to Ian and noticing he’s not right behind him anymore.

Ian doesn’t make eye contact with the man. He’s not sure what he’s afraid of it’s not like he ever loved Trevor. He was just a poor distraction from Mickey. But Ian is afraid. He’s afraid if he sees him that somehow he’ll be jumped back to the time he came from. The time without Mickey. The wrong time.

“Mickey,” Ian’s voice begs.

“He okay?” Trevor asks and Mickey turns back to him.

“Yeah, yeah uhh,” He turns to Ian. “I should go. Sorry I can’t help.” Mickey heads back up the stairs to Ian.

He reaches around Ian to open the door and lightly pushes the taller man through.

“You gonna tell me what’s going on or do I have to call someone?”

Mickey just wants Ian to talk and if Ian’s not going to talk to him Mickey will find someone that he will talk to.

Ian shakes his head and looks down at the floor.

“That kid? You know him?”

Ian nods.

“What’s wrong with him? He do something to you? He hurt you?”

“No. No. Not really.”

“’Not really’ isn’t good enough.” Mickey says and Ian can see the anger in his eyes like he’s about to hunt Trevor down right his minute.

“He wasn’t…I just don’t like how I knew him is all, okay?”

Mickey sighs again, the air escaping his nostrils makings a harsh whistling noise. He nods, though, accepting Ian’s answer. Figuring it must be the club or something Ian didn’t like talking about.

“Doing anything today?” Mickey asks, changing the subject.

Ian shakes his head though maybe he did have plans he wasn’t aware of them now.

“Yeah…” Mickey thinks. “Maybe I’ll help Iggy with that job.”

Ian rubs the back of his neck. “Do you-Do you have to?” Ian asks. He couldn’t let Mickey out of his sight now. Not right when he just got him back.

“Why?”

“You could just stay here with me.”

Mickey’s brows furrow in confusion. It’s just one job.

“We never get to really have a lazy day together anymore.” Ian states. Any reason to get Mickey to stay with him.

Mickey seems to agree. “Alright. I guess I can tell Iggy to do it another day.”  Ian breathes out, relieved. “On one condition.”

Ian looks up at Mickey again.

“You tell me exactly what the fuck is going on.”

Ian looks distraught but nods his head in agreement. He sits down on the couch. “For starters. It wasn’t a dream. It was real. But for sake of…let’s just say it was a dream okay?”

Mickey sits down slowly. “…okay…”

“Before I woke up today I was in a different place.” Ian winces at how weird he was making it sound already. “It was like how it is now except you. You weren’t there and I was different because of it. I left you…in two horrible situations. I fucked around. I talked shit about you. I abandoned you. I made you feel worthless I-,” Ian starts getting emotional about how the other him was.

Mickey places a hand on Ian’s knee. “Hey…”

Ian shakes his head. “The night before I had broken up with the latest fling and I left you in fuckin…Mexico. Alone. I’m so-,“ Ian puts his head in his hand. “I fucked up so much.”

Mickey puts his arm around Ian and lays his hand on Ian’s lower back. “Hey it’s alright. I’m here now aren’t I?”

Ian turns to Mickey and looks at him. He smiles lightly and nods. “Yeah. Yeah you are.” Ian reaches his hand to Mickey’s face. “I still don’t understand it.”

Mickey puts his own hand to Ian’s cheek. “There’s a lot of things we don’t understand. Maybe we’re not meant to.”

Ian’s surprised and curious by Mickey’s response. Did he feel it too? Was he somewhere else?

“Yeah.” Ian says now tear eyed.

Mickey closes his eyes and leans in to kiss Ian. Ian returns it and soon their tongues are dancing in each other’s mouth and it’s an amazing kiss. Better kiss then any of the recent ones Ian had. It’s different. It’s happy. They pull away their foreheads touching.

“It’s alright now,” Mickey says. “Everything’s going to be okay.”

Ian beams, finding comfort in Mickey’s certainty.

“Plus I mean…It’s gotta be a dream right?”

Ian eyes him confused.

“I mean think about it. Me? Escaping jail? I mean I’m good but I’m not that good. Is that even possible anymore?”

Ian thinks. Mickey does have a point. It doesn’t make much sense. Then again nothing did in the other world. Nothing at all. And why didn’t it…  Ian starts to wonder.

“Now!” Mickey says, interrupting Ian’s thoughts. “What’s on today’s lazy day itinerary, Archie”

Ian nearly rolls his eyes out of his head at the nickname. But he loves it because it’s Mickey.

Ian shrugs. “I figure mostly cuddling and watching movies.”

Mickey groans.

“You love cuddling, asshole.”

Mickey smiles admittedly. “Hey that knowledge stays in the bedroom though.”

“Lips are sealed.”

“Better be, Gallagher. Now get over here and cuddle me, bitch.” Mickey says causing Ian to crack up.

 They spend the day wrapped in each other watching movies on someone’s Netflix account Lip had hijacked or so that’s what Mickey reminded Ian happened.

Neither even notice when the sun goes down. Eventually Mickey yawns and stretches his arm up.

“We should get to bed.” He says.

Ian sits up now noticing its night time. Panic sets in as he watches Mickey get up and go up the stairs to the bedroom. What if this was it? What if the dream was what he was living now and tomorrow he’d wake up alone and Mickey in God knows where in Mexico? What if this was all he got?

“Mick!”

Mickey turns around.

“One more episode?” Ian asks, trying not sound desperate.

Mickey yawns again. “Sorry, Ian. I’m fuckin tired. We can watch more tomorrow after I finish doing that thing for Iggy.”

Ian nods and looks away from Mickey. But what if he doesn’t have tomorrow.

“Come on. Come to bed. You were almost passing out two episodes ago.”

“Yeah I’ll be right up.”

“Okay…”

Ian hears Mickey’s feet hit the stairs and he sighs closing his eyes. After a few minutes pass he breathes in and prepares for what may be his last moments with Mickey…again.

Or maybe they won’t be. He says. Maybe he was brought here for a reason other to feel even more miserable when he returns and if he was being honest Mickey had a strong point. Nothing in the past months or even year made any sense. The shit with him, Mickey getting arrested and tried in the first place should’ve never happened let alone him ESCAPING jail. Mickey was right that shit didn’t happen in this day in age. The dude from that Shawshank movie had to dig a tunnel and even then it took him YEARS.

Ian debates from being positive or pessimistic as he makes his way upstairs to join his boyfriend.

He watches as Mickey gets undressed and does the same.

“This room is a mess,” Ian says lightly just now noticing the room. Clothes were all over the floor. Not like he cared, at least not right now.

Mickey scoffs at Ian’s remark.

“Hey you mind if we switch?” Ian asks.

Mickey’s brow furrow in confusion. “What? Like…sex-“

“No,” Ian laughs. “No, no.”

“Oh good cause I was not ready to give up that position.”

“Oh I know.” Ian says and gives a smug look.

“Ha-ha.” Mickey retorts. “Then switch what?”

“Sleeping…”

Mickey looks towards the bed. “OH spooning. You want to be the little spoon.”

Ian rolls his eyes as Mickey snickers. “Alright Sleeping Beauty I’ll be your big spoon.”

“Well if you’re gonna act like that-“

“Nope. You asked you get.”

Ian laughs as they both climb into bed. Ian lays down first as Mickey moves beside him. Ian blinks his eyes to try not to let tears find their home in his eyes and he tries not to think about what he may wake up to in the morning. His eyes close though, his body immediately calming down when Mickey stretches his arm around Ian. He breathes in sharply. And it’s quiet.

“Hey,” Mickey whispers by Ian’s ear. “You okay?”

Ian just nods.

Somehow Mickey always knew.

“I love you.” Ian manages to choke out.

Mickeys other hand runs through the top of Ian’s hair. “I love you, too.” And Ian feels a soft kiss on his cheek before he drifts off to sleep.

And Ian is at peace in his rest for the first time in a long time.

 But then he wakes up.

Remembering the day beforehand he turns over expecting to find Mickey laying by him still, but he’s not.

Ian feels the empty spot and it’s cold.

That doesn’t mean anything He tells himself. He could’ve gotten up really early and… Mickey? An early riser? Since when?

Ian breathes in. Everything’s fine you’re just overreacting. He sits up on the bed and rubs his eyes. He looks around and something in the room looks different…feels different.

And then he notices it.

All the clothes, the mess he complained about a few hours ago, gone. No. Ian thinks. No, no, no.

He lets his head fall into his lap, his hands going up through his hair and to the back of his neck. “No, no, no, no.” He says out loud. “Mickey…” And then something inside him cracks. He needs Mickey, just a part of him. Something he wore Ian had, something he slept in. And Ian thinks of his army sleeping bag Mickey always seemed to have slept with and “borrowed”. He runs to his closet and turns on the unnaturally bright light inside it. He searches through it frantically ignoring all the clothes hanging from the hooks, ignoring the shoes on the ground. He has to have it somewhere. He starts tearing up the room looking for it until he hears a knock on the door frame.

He looks up and sees Lip.

“Looking for something?” His brother asks him.

Ian wipes away at his face, not noticing the tears that seemed to have dropped until now.

“Nah…ehem no. Think I lost something”

“What was it?”

Ian shrugs and lies “A shirt.”

“There’s a load in the wash. Could be in there?”

Ian nods. “Okay, thanks.”

Lip starts to walk away but turns back. “Oh and Debbie’s making pancakes.” He then leaves and heads downstairs.

Pancakes.

Ian thinks he hasn’t been able to eat them since he broke up with Mickey because they always reminded them of him. Now he’s definitely sure he won’t be able to stomach them but if he didn’t go down there then that would make his siblings wonder why and he really, really doesn’t want to explain all of that.

So Ian makes his way downstairs ignoring the voices in the kitchen.

He grabs a plate deciding to try to stomach one pancake. “That all you’re having?” Debbie asks flipping fresh pancakes over.

“For now.” Ian says, though not really.

He goes over the drawer to look for a fork. He starts digging deeper in the drawer for a clean one that didn’t look like it belonged to one of Debbie’s dolls from 6 years ago. He can hear the dryer going and debates looking in there real quick. Finally finding a fork he decides to just get breakfast over with and look later.

He plays with his pancakes a bit, taking a bite or two here and there.

“They okay? Are they undercooked?” Debbie asks Ian, ignoring Lip scarfing them down.

Ian looks up at her. “Huh? Nah I just-,“ Ian scoots his chair out. “I forgot to uh…take my pills. I should take them before I eat.”

“Oh…okay.”

He gives Debbie a reassuring expression before heading back upstairs. He wasn’t exactly lying he did forget to take them he thinks as he goes back to his room. He takes his medication and waits it out a bit. Trying to think of an excuse like pancakes were too filling and he wasn’t hungry enough for them or waiting for Debbie to finish so he could just throw it out and pretend he ate it.

He shakes his head. You’re being ridiculous he thinks.

He goes down stairs again, hearing the backdoor open and close as he gets to the bottom.

“Mornin’” Debbie greets the person.

“Where’ve you been?” Lip asks them. Ian can’t tell if it’s an angry bite or just sarcasm. It’s probably Frank…unless Lip and Fiona got into a fight.

Ian sighs and takes the last few steps.

“Here,” Ian hears as he walks into the kitchen eyes meeting the floor. “Here’s money for the hot water cause my ass is tired of taking cold showers.”

Wait….

He hears Lip laugh.

That voice.

That’s-

Ian looks up.

Mickey.                  

Ian bumps into the chair he had been sitting in earlier causing Mickey to turn around.

“Hey Sleeping Beau-“

But Mickey can’t finish his sentence as a tearful Ian rushes over to him and grabs him, holding on to him for dear life.

“Hey, hey, hey.” Mickey comforts dropping whatever more money he had in his hand on the counter and wraps his arms around Ian. Ian digs his face into Mickey’s shoulder blade as Mickey rubs his back.

Mickey feels Ian’s sobs through his chest. “Hey it’s alright.”

“Mickey…” Ian says softly.

“It’s okay…”

“I thought you were gone again,” Ian chokes out.

“I’m here.”

“Don’t leave.”

“I won’t. Ever.” Mickey pulls away and grabs Ian’s face. “As long as you promise to never leave me.” He says with a smile

Ian looks at Mickey, the tears in his eyes making his beautiful eyes even more radiant. Ian nods. “Never.”

“Good,” Mickey beams and pulls Ian back into him.

Ian wants to hold Mickey there in the kitchen forever but is now sure he has him, for good. Whatever the other life or timeline or whatever it was it wasn’t his life anymore. His life is here with Mickey.

Ian pulls away from Mickey knowing Mickey would hold him there until his legs fell out from exhaustion if he had to.

Mickey holds his hand to Ian’s cheek. “You okay?”

Ian nods.

Mickey walks to the washer after giving Ian a kiss of comfort. “Don’t think we’re not gonna talk about this later though.”

“Of course.”

Mickey opens the washer and takes out the clothes to put in the dryer. Ian notices as Mickey piles them it’s all the clothes he complained about being on the floor last night and…even the army cameo sleeping bag.

Ian grins and starts laughing when Mickey curses at the washer for not getting his white sweater clean enough only to get the wet fabric thrown at his face.

,