kristin-ashe - Tumblr blog

[kristin-ashe]

I rather

Chew a hole into myself

refuge among the guts the viscera

Hide in the pain of the physical to escape the pain of Fate

The other side of the coin

The punishing answer to Love

[kristin-ashe]

Stream of Consciousness - Narcissistic Parent

A journal excerpt, unknown date

You start to notice things aren't quite right. The way his tone changes. The way he sighs with heavy disappointment if you say something "wrong." You feel guilty, all of the time. Feeling like a failure, a letdown. Whatever you do isn't enough. Whatever you feel is wrong. Constant reminders of being inferior. He shakes his head, and you know that once again, you're worthless. You should be ashamed.

Try to stay positive, try to prove your worth. Try to get that love, that acceptance, that approval. Longing for it but deep down knowing it's unattainable.

Then comes the fear. It slowly creeps into conversations. Your hands sweat & your voice shakes, even to respond to a seemingly simple "how was your day?" One wrong word could set it off. Don't mention anything upsetting, don't give too much information. Give no ammunition.

And so it grows. Avoiding eye contact. Begging not to have to ask for anything. Adrenaline when he walks in a room. The tension, the hostility, bubbles right below the surface.

You start to really see the cracks. A performance in front of people; a scathing monologue at home. Why doesn't he love me? What's wrong with me? What happened??

Behind closed doors, outpour of disdain. Twists the feelings, suddenly you're the guilty one. "See, I'm not so bad" he leers.

Scared to come home. Scared for the fallout. Anxiety tied to the garage door, amplified by footsteps in the hall.

Who will he be today? Who did he come home as?

A broken wedding ring. Symbolism so obvious you'd scoff at it in a film. Freshly poured concrete - a family's hands cemented in time, a mother missing.

He hit her. He's sorry.

TENSION ..........................................

------------SILENCE------------

Maybe he loved me once. Nothing is left now.

[kristin-ashe]

[kristin-ashe]

Sometimes I feel like I can’t recognize myself from one moment to the next. An image, a reflection. The medium reflects back a different person each time - none of them are me. Where is the real me?

I change from one second to the next. Shape shifting through different moods and feelings. Capturing the moment changes it, being observed skews the results. Do I perform when I am alone? Am I pretending, even with myself?

- 7th of January, 2021

[kristin-ashe]

My scars scream at me in the shower

The warm water breathes life into my pale skin

Shining reminders of times I felt dead

Etched into me with a safety pin

Hidden disfigurements

Lines of hopelessness

Embodiments of emotional pain

Hands. Wrists.

Legs. Hips.

I scrub myself clean as the marks fade away

Watching suds and memories swirling down the drain

I can’t help but wonder

if the scars on my body match the ones in my brain

kg

December ‘20

[kristin-ashe]

[kristin-ashe]

[kristin-ashe]

(I can’t see)

Dense fog fills my head

(I can’t move)

Tremendous pressure traps me in bed

(I can’t speak)

My voice silenced by pain

(I can’t feel)

Emptiness- vast and bottomless, takes place of my brain

Depression has robbed me

Imprisoned me

Gutted me

Filled me with sand

(I’m so weighed down)

Depression sneers...

And watches me drown

Kristin Ashley, January 29th 2020

[kristin-ashe]

I can feel myself withdrawing

Collapsing into myself

Talk is just so draining

Familiar signs of deteriorating health

Another bad brain day

Fighting myself alone in my room

Just hang on another week

I know relief is coming soon

An endless battle of heavy darkness

Fought back by infusions of light

Forever in a tug of war

Forever I will fight.

January 24th, 2020

[kristin-ashe]

Just dreamt of you

You were happy and smiling

You said sorry and hugged me

That song was playing (Warning)

I woke up crying

I forgive you. I miss you.

[kristin-ashe]

[kristin-ashe]

Words spoken so sweetly

Telling me what I’ve wanted to hear

Eyes earnest and pleading

Desperate to ease my fear

Hands wrung together tightly

Holding onto hope

//

My heart twitches softly under a layer of ice

You were the Winter that froze me

Can you be the Spring that brings me back to life

I don’t know

I don’t know

//

You’re sure and you promise

You’ll do anything

But can I do one thing?        Can I say okay?        

[kristin-ashe]

Is it another shot Or another shot to the heart

A chance to rebuild Or a chance to re-break

My heart and its pieces Still mending

But wouldn’t I just be pretending

If I said I wouldn’t let you

Shoot me again Break me again Take my heart apart

It’s always been yours To keep or to toss

What’s one more time?

[kristin-ashe]

Like ash and dust

You first look at me with wonder

Watch me dance around you, swirling in the air

Landing softly on your fingertips as they reach for me

I get into your hair

The scent of me in your clothes

But the wind always turns

You begin to feel weighted down

Suffocated, trapped

Another body into the rubble

While I hang heavy in the air

Messy but seemingly harmless

It seems there is too much of me

For anyone to bear

[kristin-ashe]

“I felt very still and very empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo”

Sylvia Plath

[kristin-ashe]

Being a human person is such a weird thing. We have all these shared experiences and different relationships with people. We have various personalities we embody depending on the situation. For the most part, everything has already been done, everything has already been said, everything has already been felt by someone. 

Despite this resounding human connection, we’re alone. At the end of the day and at the end of our lives, we lay down as someone only we know. Our innermost selves, never to be fully understood. Our individual spark, well-defined in our minds, only to be filtered through other people’s lenses.

We are truly ourselves only when we are laid to rest, truly alone.