#i might actually start working in a microbiology lab

[notme-notyou]

God, it's a great feeling when you get a call from acompany you applied to and the person from hr literally says "the section leaders are really interested in you, when is the earliest you can come in for an interview?" In a tone that sunded more like, we gotta do the interview more as a formality, hell yes

[mixelation]

maybe a dumb question but what is working in a lab actually like? what do you actually do most of the time? i’m guessing it depends on what kind of lab and where like a hospital or a research dept. i started a microbiology class this sem and the labwork has been really fun! but i’m guessing school labs are very different from the reality

ummm it depends a lot on the type of lab and your position in the lab... i knew a guy who quit a job at a private medical company because he just ran the same type of assay over and over again, all day everyday, and it was slowly killing his soul lol. on the flip side some people find comfort in just doing the same thing over and over. some labs will have a wide variety of tasks to be done and some will hire you just to be good at One Thing

so the types of assays/experiments you'd do vary a lot by lab. a microbio lab would do very different stuff than, say, a lab doing ag research on corn. then there's a lot of very boring stuff you don't normally get exposed to in a classroom lab: all sorts of lab maintenance work (including making supplies like agar plates and buffers, animal care if you use them, stock maintenance for things like cell lines and bacteria, etc), cleaning, reading papers, trial running new protocols, etc. depending on how your lab is organized, you might have to take care of admin tasks, do your own data analysis, present and/or write up results, etc

[extremelyblackandwhite]

scrubs.

pairing: doctor!sebastian stan x biomedical scientist!reader

warnings: none

> next chapter

The coffee cup was laying neatly on his desk by the computer screen with surgeon-like precision. After years and years of studying, being an intern, and serving crazy, late or early rotas, Sebastian had got used to being the resident doctor. His routine, although unpredictable, had some sort of shape and one of the things he enjoyed doing was having his cup of coffee while looking at his first patient’s record before he could come in. Of course, like in every single job, there were unpredictable factors and for him it always seemed to be lack of test results in his record files.

    - Hey ... - he called out for one of the nurses who was passing by. She stopped by his door, poking her head in. - Where are the blood culture results from this patient?

    - The laboratory sent the samples back up. You’ll have to order a blood culture again.

    - Fucking hell ... - he mumbled to himself, throwing the file onto the table.

Of course, Sebastian never got to fully take his coffee. If he did, it normally meant she was on holiday. The biggest unpredictability of the job wasn’t the patients or the constant urgencies, no, the biggest unpredictability in his job was a woman. Not just every woman, no, a biomedical scientist in the microbiology department which always seemed to deny his tests or contest every medical opinion he had. 

He sighed as he pressed the lift’s button to the laboratory floor. There was always an unseen line between the doctors, nurses and assistants on the upper floors and the laboratory staff on the lower floor. Doctors barely showed up in the laboratory yet again not all doctors had a biomedical scientist after them. Actually, no other doctor had a war with a biomedical scientist, just him. Lucky him.

   - Stan, put a lab coat on. - speaking of the devil. - Did they not tech you health and safety in med school?

   - It’s Dr. Stan. - he grudgingly grabbed the lab coat she has extended over to him, stopping him from getting any further into her department. She was right about that, but he wasn’t gonna give her that. - It’s 8 AM, are you already hiding from your responsibilities?

    - Where are my blood culture results, Y/N? I have a patient coming in 50 minutes and I can’t tell them what’s wrong with them. 

    - That’s not my problem. - she turned around but he followed her still. - Will you please leave? I have work to do.

    - Oh really? Considering you haven’t given me the results, I’d think you just slack off the whole day here. - he sighed. - C’mon, Y/N. 

   - I’m sorry, Dr. Stan but maybe you should instruct your nurses in what correct blood culture bottle to send the blood samples. If you suspected anaerobic bacteremia why did you sent it in an aerobic bottle? They’re dead, I cannot plate dead bacteria. Now if you please, I have work to do. 

   - Did they or did you just lose the sample again?

   - Unlike you, Dr. Stan I do my job correctly. Now if you don’t mind, I have requests from Doctors who know what they’re doing. 

Sebastian grumbled, taking the lab coat on tossing it onto the hook. Y/N grinned to herself as she returned to her microscope, mentally celebrating the fact she had once again managed to upset Dr. Stan. It wasn’t that he was a bad doctor, he wasn’t, he was just too lenient with his staff while Y/N was razor sharp focused on getting work done so whenever a sample came in bad state, unlike other department senior scientists, she’d just deny them and go do tests on good samples. That particular mindset resonated with her superiors but Dr. Stan enjoyed coming downstairs to give her an earful as if she could do something. Well, she could do something, she could go upstairs and train the staff herself but she wasn’t paid for that and it seriously was not her job to do so. 

     - Dr. Stan, again? - Miriam, one of the scientists who had started around the same time as her and had experienced as many of their fights as there had been, sat by her side. - You two seriously need to fuck.

     - Miriam! - she widened her eyes, looking around to see if someone had heard them. - Why don’t you say it louder? 

    - Listen when me and cute butt from haematology we’re feuding, we fucked it out during the Christmas party and look at us now ... - she smirked taking the necklace with her engagement ring from under her laboratory coat. - Besides, he is a doctor. 

    - He’s too old. - she returned to inspecting the Gram slide under her microscope, but Miriam had other plans, turning off the light in her microscope. 

    - He’s in his 30s. That’s a baby in doctor years besides you two are making everyone miserable. 

    - I will make you miserable if you don’t start analysing the new samples. 

Telling a patient he needed to give blood samples again sounded easy enough. After all, Sebastian had had a whole communication module during med school and almost ten years worth of experience yet nothing compared to listening to a patient yell at him before he even had lunch. Surely with the amount of times, Y/N had done this to him he would be used to it now but not when all he’d have was coffee. With a scowl on his face, he walked into the cafeteria. Damned Y/N, damned Y/N and her petty fighting. 

    - Seb! - Dr. Mackie set his tray on his table. They’d done their residency together and he had even been present when he and Y/N had their first encounter and fight. - Word is you’ve already had your first fight with Y/N. What’d you do now?

    - I didn’t do anything. Blood came in the wrong bottle and she didn’t even try doing the test. 

    - You’re whining, Stan. 

    - Anyway, I’m glad you’re here. I have this patient, keeps complaining that he has an infection but there’s no markers. 

    - Hey man, I specialised in tropical diseases. Probability is, it’s not that. Why don’t you ask Y/N? She’s a microbiologist and you love to go over to see her.

    - Really, Mackie? 

    - You can ask someone else but you and Y/N like each other so much. Maybe she’ll give you a kiss if you get it right.

     - Thanks for nothing, Mackie.

     - Hey, maybe if you and her start dating, the upstairs and the downstairs people will finally have a peace alliance. 

Back to the microbiology laboratory it was. He couldn’t even remember what the two of them had started bickering about, but he knew it was around the time she had first started at the hospital. It wasn’t that she wasn’t smart, god no, Sebastian knew she was smart and completely capable and probably the reason why she had become a senior scientist quite fast; however, she was extremely argumentative and whenever she had to assist in one of his cases, they always ended up arguing. To be honest, she did look quite adorable whenever she was fuming at him, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose and pointing aggressively at the results.

   - STAN! LAB COAT! - he was taken from his thought by the same woman throwing a laboratory coat on him. - I will report you to the board if you keep walking into my lab without a lab coat on.  

   - I need your help.

   - Okay. - she opened one of the various drawers in the laboratory, taking three bottles and placing it on the table in front of her. - It’s very simple. Yellow for paediatric, red for anaerobic and green for aerobic. Paediatric means child, anaerobic means no air, and aerobic means air. 

   - Seriously, Y/N? I know what it means.

   - Do you? - she cocked an eyebrow at him. - Don’t worry, we got the samples right these time. I have someone working overnight so you’ll have your precious results. Besides, it is probably negative. Looking at the sheet doesn’t really scream bacteremia. It might just be a localised infection which has the potential to become bacteremia. Unless it’s an AMR case, it’s probably no fuss. 

    - Great. It’s not that I need help with though.

    - Can’t you do your own job, Dr. Stan? 

    - 40 year old male, complaining of infection like symptoms but no markers. - he handed her the file which she skimmed through.

    - Did you check for CRP? White blood cell count?

    - White blood cell count is slightly high but not in a way which would really indicate an infection. Know of anything like that?

    - I can run some tests but I don’t really know. - she shrugged. - Have you asked Dr. Mackie? Patient been in any tropical locations?

    - He told me to ask you. 

    - Aw so even he knows that you suck at being a doctor? 

    - You know what, Y/N? You would be cute if you weren’t so argumentative. 

    - Don’t try to butter me up, Dr. Stan. I will ask around my colleagues, see if anyone has any idea before dinner time and then I’ll let you know.

    - Are you asking me for dinner?

    - Yes, because having dinner in the green light cafetaria with you is totally my idea of romance. I mean, why  not take me here now in this table?

    - Now, Miss Y/L/N, that’s is against health and safety protocols. You should know. 

    - Do they not teach you sarcasm in med school?

    - We’ll talk about it during our dinner date.

    - It is not a dinner date, I’m just giving you data.

    - It’s a date. I’m telling everyone.

    - Don’t you dare!

[star-spangledstud]

MIND GAMES - THREE

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader

Summary: The team goes on a mission. You meet someone who might expose you. 

Warnings: angst, mentions of violence 

Note: Wanna be tagged in future chapters? Shoot me a message :) Sorry for being MIA for so long. I’ve been sad. Blegh. 

SERIES MASTERLIST.

PREVIOUS CHAPTER.

Over the few days that follow, you become increasingly paranoid. It’s your own fault, because you shouldn’t have lied to the people that have welcomed you into their homes with open arms, but lying is a survival skill that you were taught many years ago, and old habits die hard. You become shadowy, avoid team members in the hallways and common areas of the penthouse floor you all share, and stay in your room as much as possible without alarming anyone. Of course Natasha knows something is up, but Steve doesn’t, and he waves off her concern as you simply ‘needing more time to adjust, Nat’. You watch their body language during breakfast – one of two meals a day you simply cannot get out of without causing anyone’s alarm bells to start ringing – and engage in light conversation wherever possible to keep them out of your hair.

Guilt gnaws at your insides when you find yourself wandering the deserted wrap-around balcony at nearly 3 a.m., brain searching for a clue to any bad things that might happen. If any one of them figures out you’re ex-hydra you’re done for, that much you know, but the man with golden hair and twinkling azure eyes might just be your ticket to safety.

The thought alone sickens you, because you vowed never to mess with someone’s feelings to get what you need ever again. It’s a twisted thought, but the vines of its root wrap themselves around the stem of your brain nonetheless.

A month after first moving in, you’ve already figured out their routines. Steve’s the early riser of the bunch, getting up every morning at 6:30 a..m. sharp to go on a run around the city. On rare occasions, he manages to convince Sam to come along with him, but more often than not, he remains in his bed until at least 10 o’clock, when Steve’s already come back to shower and get dressed for the day. Tony and Bruce are in the lab 24/7, both of them constantly bickering about artificial intelligence and microbiology among other matters you can’t even begin to understand. As a result, you don’t see them around too often, a notion you don’t particularly mind. Clint left to be with his family two weeks ago and hasn’t been back since, and Natasha leaves all the time, sometimes for days at a time. You don’t dare to ask anyone where she goes when she disappears, but nobody seems surprised to find her seat at the dining table empty again.

It’s a gloomy day when you wake up to find the entire place void of all life. Not even Steve, who’s adamant about his morning coffee, is there to grace you with his presence when you walk into the kitchen that Saturday morning. The counter is clean, no empty coffee cups, half-eaten bowls of oatmeal or bread crumbs to indicate anyone’s eaten yet, and all of the chairs are still perfectly lined against the table.

Your pulse involuntarily quickens to an uncomfortable pace, and you bite the inside of your cheek until the metallic taste of blood is heavy on your tongue. With quick steps, you walk towards the common room, footsteps loud in your ears when you consider where they might be. As expected, there’s nobody there. The TV is switched off, there are no dents in the heavy fabric of the couch from where Steve usually sits, and again, no empty cups or bowls can be found on the coffee table. You have the jitters when you finally get to the library, which is again void of all life.

Black socks covered in small holes squeak across the wooden floors when you walk around the room. It’s not surprising to see the library vacant. You’re sure Avengers have more pressing matters to tend to than reading books on any given day, but it was your last hope nonetheless. With your head tilted to the side, you focus on scanning the titles that line the walls. You follow every shelf in the room until your eye finally catches something. You take the book with a sigh, flip through its tattered pages, and wonder for a moment which one of the Avengers has read the crap out of Pride and Prejudice. Definitely not Sam, judging by his internal monologue. That guy doesn’t appear to have an ounce of romanticism inside him.  

 “They’re out,” a gentle voice suddenly says behind you, “Steve didn’t want to wake you up this morning to tell you.”

You slap your hand over your heart in surprise, and inhale sharply, “Jesus Christ, doc. You scared the hell out of me.”

Bruce throws his hands up in the air and shrugs his shoulders, “Sorry, it’s just me.”

“Are they on a mission?” you ask, feeling your heart jump in your chest like a skippy ball.

“Yeah, they should be back in a few days. Are you alright? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

You swallow thickly, noticing all of a sudden how your mouth is dry like sandpaper, “you just spooked me, that’s all. What kind of mission is it?”

“Intel gathering, in an out. That’s why I didn’t come. They only bring me when they need the green guy,” he says.

“Oh yeah,” you reply slowly, “how’s he holding up?”

“Asleep,” Bruce smiles, then clears his throat, “for now, anyway. Would you like to get some breakfast?”

You follow Bruce through the rain, which started to gust from the grey sky just as you were getting dressed. You’d rather have said no, but you knew you couldn’t; it wouldn’t be polite to decline his offer. Besides, he’s oblivious, and for whatever reason, he trusts you. When he bites into his chocolate croissant, you know why – Steve’s let you in. This notion once more confirms the thoughts that have been occupying your mind for the last week; Steve is your one-way ticket to inclusivity.

You shudder at the thought and fake a smile before taking a large sip of coffee. The cafe is small, mostly empty, and your seat by the window gives you a perfect view of pedestrians struggling in the howling, icy wind. One year ago, you could never have imagined yourself sitting in a café with a cup of coffee clutched between your fingers, chatting with someone who you could potentially call a friend. The idea alone of being able to enjoy a warm mug filled with freshly brewed coffee would’ve sounded preposterous to you.

There was no warmth with HYDRA. Only cold.

It takes the team three days to return from their mission. Three long days, during which you spend most of your time with Bruce in his lab, perched on a desk-chair with a book in your hands while he works on – actually, you have no idea what he’s working on. You quickly grow to become fond of him, because he doesn’t feel the need to constantly fill the silence between you with empty words. His thoughts are coherent, focused on his project, and the lingo is too advanced for you to understand, which makes it easy to drown out. His inner monologue is quiet, except for a few angry words from the Hulk when Bruce becomes frustrated with his work, but that only happened on day two, and only for ten minutes.

Steve smells like gun powder and sweat when he hugs you softly against his chest after exiting the Quinjet. Natasha waves at you, and the smile that dons her dirt-caked face surprises you, but you return it nonetheless. Sam even ruffles your hair, causes a sound to escape your throat that you haven’t heard yourself make in over a decade; a strange combination of a snort and a chuckle that sounds like music to your own ears. Your heart pounds again, but in a good way this time, because for a small moment in time, you’ve managed to put the guilt on the back-burner. The roaring engine behind you falls silent at last, and nobody else visibly exits the plane before you make it inside.  

“You held up okay?” Steve asks as he follows you back inside the building.

You nod in response and shove your hands deep inside the pockets of your hoodie, “I’ve been helping Bruce with his research.”

“Oh, did you? How’s it coming?” he asks.

His eyes sparkle like two tiny stars even through the exhaustion that nearly forces them shut every time he blinks. He’s exhausted, you can tell, and you have to bite your tongue before you make a comment about the state he’s in.

“I mostly sat there while he did all the thinking. Turns out computer science isn’t really my thing after all.”

Steve fights a yawn that threatens to overcome him, and nods, “yeah, I feel you. I can barely get the damn things to start. I’ve given up on technology.”

He turns back to face you when he’s come to a halt in front of his room.

“Sorry I didn’t tell you where I went,” he tells you, meaning it as he says it, “we kinda left in a hurry, and you were still sleeping.”

“Don’t worry about it,” you reply, “I understand.”

He quickly retreats after that, leaving you once again with nothing to do. You go back to your room to grab the worn copy of Pride and Prejudice from your nightstand and, after plopping down on your bed, flip to the page where you last left off. You read for a while, before the idea to make some tea with warm milk and honey pops into your head, and you skip along the hallway to the kitchen with the book securely wrapped in your arms.

You’re surprised to hear Steve’s voice when you enter the common area, and a smile appears on his face the second his eyes fall on you. You raise one arm to wave at him, but a loud gasp and a large thud followed by the sound of breaking glass have you freezing on the spot before you can open your mouth to greet him at all.

Your head snaps towards the source of the sound, causing your neck to twist and crack painfully. Red, glowing eyes meet your large ones when you dare to look up at whoever made the noise, and the book in your hands falls to the ground with a loud bang that startles everyone in the room. You stumble backwards when you can feel the woman standing before you deep inside of your head, and you nearly trip over the rug when you instinctly try to get away from her. Frantically, you scramble to stop her from seeing more than she’s already seen. Still, by the time you manage to build up a mental barrier to keep her out of your head, it’s already too late.

You haven’t seen her before, and you can’t remember for the life of you if the image of her has popped up in any of the Avengers’ heads. Your brain is mushy, images hazy as you try to focus on keeping the woman from digging around deeper. You can see distant memories of your time with HYDRA flash before her eyes, and the images blur with the present in a spasm that makes your eyes water.

Wanda Maximoff lets out a shrill, piercing shriek, one that chills everyone to the bone. Thor, who you didn’t even know was there, is by her side before she can collapse onto the cold, hard floor, and Steve jumps up from his chair before you have time to register his movements. He grabs your arm and drags you out of the kitchen, fingers digging painfully in your tender flesh when he pulls you away from the scene. Sympathy fills Sam’s dark brown eyes when you turn back around to look at him, and guilt roils in your stomach when the redhead sinks to her knees with tears streaming down her face.

Your arms hang limply to your side when you watch Steve pace back and forth around his room. You’re waiting for him to yell at you, to tell you to get the fuck out of the compound and never return, but he remains awfully quiet. His silence confuses and unnerves you simultaneously.

His eyes, swimming with unimaginable depth, find your face while the scent of his cologne and pure testosterone invades your nostrils. Pressure clamps down on your chest, and the intensity of his gaze causes you to shiver. Never in your entire life have you wanted to read someone’s mind more. 

“Are you alright?” your head cocks to the side, mouth twitching while you try to find words. 

You nearly gave that woman an aneurysm, and he’s asking you if you’re okay?

“Yes,” you stammer, “I’m so sorry.” 

“Wanda is telepathic,” Steve says, “she has trouble controlling what she sees sometimes.” 

“Like I said, I’m so so-” 

A soft exhale leaves your lips when Steve’s hands find their way to your shoulders, and your voice dies down in your throat when he bends down slightly to meet your eyes. Calloused fingertips penetrate the thin material of your t-shirt, and the warmth of his hands creates a buzzing sensation just beneath your skin. 

“She was in Europe, scouting the location of the mission with Rhodey. She’s been in Eastern Europe for a while, that’s why you haven’t seen her. I should’ve told you about her.”

“Will she be okay?” you ask. You hardly recognize your own voice. 

“Sam’s got her. She’s stronger than she looks. Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t look so good.” 

You don’t know how to respond. You crave a cigarette all of a sudden, even though you don’t smoke. Alcohol then, maybe, to numb down the prickling sensation of firing synapses and goosebumps that line your bare arms. Yeah, a good couple of shots of whiskey will do the trick. Not vodka though, you hate that stuff. 

You bite your bow-shaped lips and inhale deeply. Steve is so close that you can feel his breath fanning across your face. It’s wrong, being so near him after what just happened. You’re on thin ice. It won’t be long before the entire team, undoubtedly informed by what Wanda just saw, comes barging into Steve’s room, ready to drag you away to prison or worse, put a bullet through your skull. You deserve it, you think, for what you used to do. For who you used to be. You almost want somebody to call you out on your shit, because then at least you wouldn’t have to hide it anymore. 

But seconds turn into minutes, and nobody comes. It’s quiet, except for the sound of Steve’s breathing and the steady beating of his heart, and you realize when he looks at you with sympathy and sincerity that you hate yourself for lying. It’s an ironic realization, because lying is like second nature to you. HYDRA spent so much time ingraining it into your brain that it’s become almost like a second language, a means of communication that flows so naturally that you don’t even have an accent anymore. It’s brought you many things, and ruined even more people.

Your hands are going numb from how hard you’re clenching them into fists. Steve’s thumbs are rubbing small circles on your shoulders, and it takes all of your effort not to shake them off. You’re disgusted with yourself, bile threatening to rise to the back of your throat while the sensation of his warm fingers on you is the only thing left for you to feel. The world is dark and cold, but the heat radiating from Steve’s hands is just enough to stop you from getting frostbite. The concern is evident on his face, from the deep crease between his brows to the thin line of his lips; he’s worried about you, someone he doesn’t even know. Someone he would kill if he’d met you under any other circumstances.

You want to go home, you think to yourself, but as soon as the thought appears do you smack it down with your fist. You don’t have a home, you scold yourself, just like the doctors would tell you when you cried and screamed on the dingey operating table in the early days, when they didn’t control you yet. When they still wore their special masks to stop you from controlling their minds so they could freely fuck with yours.

It’s an icy reality, one that rattles you to your core every time it makes an appearance. Steve’s eyes are still scanning your face, which is twisted and contorted into a painful scowl before you even realize what’s happening.

An inexplicable panic washes over you, heart jackhammering in your chest while your cheeks turn a sickly shade of pink. A bead of sweat rolls down your back, followed by cold shivers that envelop your skin in ice. The scent of laundry detergent and cologne hits you like a truck, and you have to bite your tongue to stop yourself from gagging.

“What’s wrong?” He asks, his voice melting and morphing into the sound of rain slamming against the window like gunfire.

“My head,” you cry out in a desperate whimper, “it hurts.”

Steve forces your body down onto his bed, and while you begin to writhe in pain that causes white spots to dance in front of your eyes, he closes the curtains to keep the light from coming in. His mother had head aches all the time, and she’d be in bed for days on end if they got bad enough. He remembers her clear as day, lying in bed with an empty bucket next to her on the floor in the dark, because the light hurt so bad it would make her vomit sometimes. He’d tiptoe around the house because the sound of his feet creaking across the floorboards would pain her. He recognizes her in you, lying on his bed with your hands clutching the sides of your head.

“I’ll get you some aspirin,” he says, quieting his voice, the incident with Wanda long forgotten as instinct takes over.  

Tears blur your vision at this point, and it takes every ounce of focus that you have left to keep yourself from screaming out in pain. Aspirin won’t help, but you don’t possess the capability to tell him not to bother. You’ve experienced this type of pain before, and have endured it without medicine each time. Many times actually; while you were forced to extract information from the people taken and captured by HYDRA with whatever means necessary. This time however, it’s come as a surprise and it’s caught you completely off-guard, although you suspect Wanda’s poking and prodding has something to do with it.

With all the strength you have left, you manage to pull the covers over your head, engulfing yourself in darkness and warmth to drown out your senses. The sudden darkness is disorienting, but you welcome it with open arms. Steve opens his mouth, but shuts it, and heads for the door without uttering another word.

All you hear when Steve exits the room is the sound of your former victims crying out in despair.

NEXT CHAPTER.

TAGLIST:

@foxyjwls007​ @littlegasps​ @hurricane-abigail​ @idk123906​ @ bubblicious-trashcan @wooya1224

[imfemalewarrior]

Woah, you were a microbiologist? That's actually my college major! (I'm just a freshman but still lol) Would you mind giving me any tips you might have for bio/microbio, or anything you'd wanted to know at the time? If not that's okay!! I hope you have a good day :D

Ya! My undergrad thesis was in microbiology (specifically microbial fuel cells).

So I don't know how ur university works or if you have to write an undergrad thesis or do research to get ur undergrad degree (my institution/major required us to do a research project and write a thesis to graduate). So my advice is gonna be closer to this experience but hopefully that will still be helpful!

So in my freshman year I tried to join a microbiology lab but looking back I don't think I was ready to do that; i was ready during my junior year tho. And that's ok! So maybe give yourself freshman year to adjust to what college life and workload is like.

You can also use your freshman year to figure out what career path you want (do you want to go to grad school or industry or government work? Applied research or pure research? What areas of microbiology interest you, medicinal, energy, water treatment, greenhouse gas sequestering, fuel generation? Which ones do you want to avoid at all costs?) If you want to go to grad school or keep it as an option focus on research experiences in microbio labs and not internships.

Figure out who ur academic advisor is and develop a good professional relationship with them. They will help you stay on track with classes for graduation and now also you have someone who knows you that you can ask for rec letters.

Go to office hours!!! More professional relationships with professors and thus better rec letters.

Approach professors about their research and labs and talk to them about joining as an undergrad researcher but I don't recommend doing this is freshman year bc of what I already said. Freshman year search microbio stuff on google scholar and read research papers to learn what's out there in current research, especially recent publications!

See what clubs are available for professional development and attend those. I attended women in engineering stuff and it was helpful to me when I was starting out.

See what resume writing resources are available and ask for their help writing a resume (freshman year it's ok to have high school stuff on ur resume but ur first year at college try to do stuff that you can replace high school stuff with on ur resume, and at the end of each semester update ur resume with what classes you took during that semester to help reflect ur developed skills to ppl you send the resume to or anything you apply to that requires a resume). Also write a CV as those can include hobbies and what skills you have from those hobbies

I also do recommend studying abroad if at all possible as that was something people were extremely interested in when I was applying for internships before I figured out "i want to go to grad school" and switched tactics with the help and advice of my academic advisor (hence why you need to figure out who they are and see them at the beginning and end of every semester to make sure your schedule is correct and you're on track with everything)

Work with your classmates. Attend every class you are physically fit to attend (ie if ur sick stay home if ur physically well go to class and sit at the front ur teacher will notice you attend class) turn in all ur hw bc these are the things that show you pay attention and care about the class. Also attending office hours.

-FemaleWarrior

[pickingoutchinapatterns]

So, I just found out you’re a nurse. Thank you. 🙏 What is happening for you at the moment?

Ok, so I’m a nurse and admittedly I’m angry and frustrated.  This is gonna be a non-filtered rant (I may go into details about some points later). Also, before I get any shit bc I’m “just a nurse” (which happens), I’ll say that nursing is actually my third degree, my other 2 (undergrad and graduate) are also in the sciences.  Ok, let the rant begin.

First, when this is over, we need to fund education.  EVERYONE should have a basic knowledge of math and biology.  Seriously, have some of you ppl never heard of exponential growth? Let’s say an organism in a petri dish replicates once a day.  At the end of the first day, you’ll have 2, but at the end of the 14th day (I’m using that bc of the current “2 week isolation period” currently being advised right now), you don’t get 28 organisms in your dish (2x14), but 16,384 (2^14) organisms.  The growth of this organism will only slow down once it starts running out of resources (which is why you get an S shaped growth curve).  

WHY YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO WHAT PUBLIC HEALTH IS SAYING:  This is similar to disease spread.  If you infect one person, you’re literally making things exponentially worse.  And guess what, if you self-isolate you are GETTING RID OF THE VIRUS’ RESOURCES.  Viruses, unlike bacteria, cannot replicate on their own.  THEY NEED YOU TO GROW.  Plus, based on the data from the Japanese cruise ship, about half of those infected were ASYMPTOMATIC.  This means that we don’t know how many ppl are infected but we literally have THOUSANDS of Typhoid Mary’s out there.  Plus, given that it often takes about 2 weeks to develop symptoms of the virus,  so even if everyone is at home on lockdown, we won’t see how bad it actually is NOW for at least 2 WEEKS FROM NOW.  

STOP HOARDING AND STEALING MASKS AND PPE (personal protective equipement).  Yes, ppl are literally stealing PPE from hospitals.  JUST STAY THE FUCK HOME.

I know that a lot of ppl have the attitude of “oh, it’s mild for most ppl” or “it just kills the elderly.” First, “it just kills the elderly” is NOT true.  The ppl it hits the hardest INCLUDE the elderly, but ALSO INCLUDES ppl with comorbidies like diabetes, cardiac conditions and high blood pressure (SOUND LIKE ANYONE YOU MIGHT FUCKING NOW???) and HEALTH CARE WORKERS.  No one knows why front line health care workers are hit so hard (my hypothesis is bc we are exposed to higher viral loads, plus we work in a stressful, germ infested place AND we do shift work…not exactly the best combinations for a healthy immune system.  Plus, many of us also suffer from comorbidities as well.)  The health care system was stretched tightly enough before this pandemic (cancer, flu season, infectious diseases and drug epidemics), so imagine us dealing with a pandemic AND our regular workload AND being SUPER SHORT STAFFED (which many of us are already before this began).  Italy has already announced a while ago that they’re just deciding that some ppl are not gonna get any treatment bc they HAVE NO MORE RESOURCES.

A note re the N95 (airborne) mask (these are not the basic surgical masks).   Did you know that we have to get trained on how to use them?  And then we have to do a test to make sure that each one of us is using the right brand and size?  (That’s right, it’s not a one size fits all.)  Plus, men have to shave before using one bc even a bit of stubble makes it ineffective?  Now imagine HCP’s are out of N95 masks (used for AIRBORNE precautions like TB, measles and shingles; surgical masks are used for droplet precautions, like the flu). We still have ppl in hospitals with TB, measles and shingles…what if these spread too now that we don’t have N95 masks?

Also, please stop using anti-bacterial soap.  First, COVID 19 is a virus, not a bacteria.  We already have A LOT of antibiotic resistant bacteria out there. (Ex. MRSA, VRE, C-difficile, literally called difficile bc it’s so hard to treat and kill).  Back when I was working in a microbiology lab, we were extra careful using vancomycin bc it was considered a last resort antibiotic and didn’t want to accidentally have bacteria develop and spread resistance to it. Now, I see vancomycin being used in hospitals daily.  (VRE literally stands for Vancomycin-Resistant Enterococci.)

This pandemic is gonna hit every health care system hard worldwide.  If we’re already full, how do you think we’ll handle you coming in needing emergency surgery?  What about during the high smog warnings in summer and ppl come in with heat stroke or a severe asthma exacerbation?  What if you’re going to deliver?  

I am a nurse and I do what I can to help ppl out.  I base my nursing practice on the fact that if I’m seeing you in hospital I’m likely seeing you during the worst time of your life.  This job is a roller coaster, both physically and emotionally.  I will say though, it is absolutely horrible treating ppl in respiratory distress.  It’s like you’re watching someone suffocate and drown at the same time. You see the panic in their eyes and in their families as they try to get enough air.  You do all that you can, and even if the intervention is successful, you still feel useless and shaken.  It is HORRIBLE.  Please, do all that you can to stop this spread and to keep yourself healthy so that my colleagues and I won’t see you anytime soon in any one of our facilities.

End of current rant.

[wadebramwilson]

Dear diary. 

Just a little reflection on 2020 but mostly my last few years. I thought I would just tell Tumblr what I have been up to, I suppose.

I’m sorry to everyone who has struggled in 2020, but to be honest, the year has been quite good to me.

I am very lucky to work in a secure healthcare role, and I am even luckier to be in a regional part of a country that has weathered the pandemic well so far.

I cut my science degree back to part time courseload at the start of the year, with the idea that my workload might need to increase with the pandemic, but that never happened and I enjoy the content much more at a slower pace. I’ve had some very topical units like immunology and medical microbiology which have been tremendous. I truly enjoy lab science, but I enjoy it better when I am poking away at it. I think I will keep it part time. There is no need for me to rush, so I won’t.  

I was diagnosed with a rare kind of retinopathy a few years ago which is a cause of significant stress for me. But this year my vision has not deteriorated in any tests so that is not a negative, though it never feels particularly hopeful as I’ve no hope of regaining any vision in the affected area and my ophthalmologist is terrible. Also in health, I suspect that I might have been a little bit iron deficient for a while without realising it, particularly since going vegetarian, and maybe this is why I’d been having trouble focusing this year. I’ve started on supplements and it’s correlated with a surge in productivity. This is of course, all conjecture until I return to the GP to see what my levels were actually like prior to supplements.

I’ve been going to pottery a lot and I’ve finished some very beautiful pieces. I’ve done some painting, though not much. I’ve made friends with lovely people and we sometimes draw and play board games and exercise and have coffee and cook for one another. We have a strong community. I’m part of co-ops. Sometimes I visit a local farm and do some WOOFER work for them. 

I’ve been writing a lot again. I’ve even posted a few things on AO3 which I am proud of. But less proud of the actual work and more just proud to have posted anything.

I’m content. I think I have reached a point in my life where I do not feel like I have much of anything to prove. I don’t feel any pressure to monetise my projects. I am just happy to create. I am in a financial position where I am okay to work part time, and to put my mental health first. 

I still love my job and I am very good at it. I don’t love all my coworkers but I don’t have to. I love my manager and I feel valued. He is very accommodating to my quirks. Sometimes station can be a very loud place, and some of my coworkers listen to the radio or TV too loud, or talk incessantly, or need the air conditioner at sub zero temperatures, or wear too much aftershave. 

My manager has procured me an extra jumper to keep in my locker for when I forget mine, he put in a vegetable garden at station, he has a pair of headphones in his office for when I need to sit by myself for a while and block out excess noise, and he keeps a little stash of chocolate in his office for emergencies. He doesn’t mind me sitting in the corner of the office to read. I am very lucky. I feel secure in my position as a senior clinician. I like to teach and I like to learn but I probably could work harder to maintain my skills. I am so lucky in the work I have done and the outcomes I have had. I am skilled but I am also phenomenally lucky and I don’t take that for granted.

I realised over the last few years that I am almost certainly autistic. No, definitely. As definite as I can be without a formal diagnosis. I have next to no depressive periods or anxiety when I am able to care for myself properly (unsurprising) and when I respect that my communication needs are atypical. I am at a place where I think all those things make me who I am and I actually really like that person.

When I think back about how hard on myself I used to be. I remember 8 years ago, I moved away from all my support networks to a new, demanding job and place and I used to cry uncontrollably at what seemed like no provocation at all. I was anxious all the time. I used to feel like I had no control over my emotional responses, even when I felt I was intellectually not upset. It’s very strange to look back on and see that time for the stressful transition that it was.

I don’t have any romantic relationship and I’ve been waiting years to become uncomfortable about that, or to feel the need to seek one out. But I don’t feel that need and I think that is okay.

I live with two great big dumb foster dogs and many many plants and I just don’t seem to need another human when what I have is so plentiful. 

I have the creative energy to return to Tumblr again I think. But I don’t intend to put any pressure on myself about it. Just as I am not putting any pressure on myself to write more than I want to. I hope to remind myself that this is something that I do for fun. I feel more than anything, to be very lucky. 

I am weirdly proud of this site and I am happy to see people that I used to know are still here and are doing well. I think I would like to be a tentative member of the community again.

[somuchtostudysolittletime]

hi i think tumblr might have eaten my previous ask but i'm a yr 12 in england considering pharmacy. unfortunately i don't know anyone i could ask about it so could you tell me a bit about the good the bad and the dirty of being a pharmacy student in the uk please? i'm trying to convince my parents that this is what i want but they feel that i'm not well informed enough so just something from a former student's pov would be great

(if not and you just didn't want to answer i'm really sorry about this and you don't have to answer)

Hi! I am so so so sorry for not responding - I thought I had but my post seems to have vanished :/ Also, a pre-warning, this’ll be SUPER long if you really want the good, the bad, and the dirty. Also I wrote thoughts as I had them so this is not in a coherent order sorry haha. If you have any questions, please let me know and I’ll do my best to help, my final exam to become a pharmacist is a week away so I might not respond super fast because I am Dying but I’ll do my best!

TLDR- pharmacy is fab.

Okay first, in case you don’t know, pharmacy is 4 years. Then you do a pre-reg year when you work full time, then you sit your final exam, then you’re a pharmacist. They’re reviewing this after covid broke the system completely and left my year in a mess, but for now that’s what you can expect to get yourself into.

The good!!!

Pharmacy is super interesting!! Learning about how medicines affect the body and how the body affects the medicines is so interesting, and you’ll become an expert in medicines - what to use when, what shouldn’t be used together, and how to get the most benefit out of them. 

You’re with all the other pharmacy students SO much that you end up with a really close-knit group of friends because you’re all together all the time in lectures/labs/etc

It has great job prospects - you have a masters degree. Be a community pharmacist, a hospital pharmacist, an industry pharmacist, teach pharmacy, quit pharmacy and do science, there are SO many options that you can do with a pharmacy degree! And, at the end of uni you’re basically guaranteed a job.

Because pharmacy is SO intense, you have a lot of contact time, so you’re getting your £9,250 worth! You can expect to be in classes pretty much 9-5 for the first year or so, it’s super busy so you learn time management pretty fast!

By the time you graduate they’ll have changed the system so much that I’m p sure you’ll be a prescriber on graduation, or the year after which is SUPER cool and means you have even more job opportunities open to you. 

Pharmacy labs have so much variety - you have chemistry labs (the classic - make paracetamol, extract aspirin, use chemicals), biology labs (microbiology and physiology too so monitoring heart rate etc), and then pharmaceutics labs - my one true love. Making creams, making tablets, making all sorts of medicines which is so much fun

You also have dispensing classes where you’re essentially learning how to be a pharmacist, how to dispense, how to check medicines, how to make sure they’re safe, how to advise patients on how to use them which is super fun! 

As well as labs and dispensing classes, you’ll also have normal lectures, seminars, workshops etc so it’s super varied with lots of learning methods. Also you get to go on placements to put your learning into practice which really really helps!

It’s great to actually be a pharmacist - I LOVE helping people and being able to make a difference to patients

In uni most modules are mandatory, so as well as knowing your friends well, you’ll know your lecturers well. By 4th year I got on so well with most of my lecturers, it’s like a pharmacy family

You get to use a mixture of science and clinical skills - you use the science from A levels and the start of your degree and build upon it to find out why drugs work and why they have x side effect and why you can’t use them in y people. 

4 year course = extra year at uni = one more freshers week and one more year of not paying council tax and one more year of fun with your friends before real life

I couldn’t not mention the BPSA - it’s the British Pharmaceutical Students Association and they do events and a week long conference every year over Easter which is lit- you meet other pharmacy students from other schools of pharmacy and debate pharmacy, have guests talk to you, do workshops, get evening entertainment, it really is the best PLUS then you learn about the European version of the BPSA and can go abroad if you’re lucky!

Graduating with a masters with your best friends and the lecturers that supported you through 4 years of hard work is one of the best things to ever happen!!!!!! Fab achievement

The bad!

Pharmacy is really hard. It’s 4 years of hard work, then more hard work after you graduate. You need to be committed to pharmacy because it is LONG and HARD and you will undoubtedly have times that you want to quit. I did pharmacy whilst on a range of antidepressants (don’t worry, the depression came first - pharmacy isn’t THAT bad) and it was brutal at times. The workload is intense.

It’s really tiring - I remember a time in first year where I was in lectures all day, went home to eat, then went to the library all evening to revise for exams. Now I’m old I’m just tired and I don’t have the stamina for that but there are times where pharmacy will wear you out - but the successes are worth it. 

Because it’s 4 years long, your non pharmacy friends will graduate before you. My campus was impossible to walk across without seeing someone you know, and then at 4th year that just ends because everyone leaves at 3rd year. And you feel really old because the freshers are 18 and excited about uni and you’re 22 and tired.

People don’t like pharmacists. That isn’t strictly true, but don’t read anything on facebook about pharmacists. The general public don’t know what we do and therefore they don’t like us and see us as the barrier between them and their medicines. Also if a medicine has been discontinued that is YOUR fault personally and the patient will tell you ‘if I die it’s your fault’ - usually over something stupid like heartburn meds. Don’t let it get to you though - the patients who appreciate us and say kind things really do make up for all the abuse. 

You need a life outside pharmacy or it’ll get too much pharmacy- especially if you live with pharmacists too. You’re together 24/7 and that’s too much so make sure you join a sport or a society so you can talk to people about something other than medicines. 

The dirty

People think you’re a wannabe medic. Medical students also don’t like pharmacy students - or maybe that was just my uni. We try and say pharmacy is hard that they will ALWAYS one-up us. Whatever, when they’re qualified and we save their ass catching a prescribing error, they’ll love us then

Everyone knows everyone in pharmacy. The other day I got really excited when I attended a webinar and one of the hosts was a guy who wrote one of my fave textbooks. It is a VERY small world, so make sure you’re hardworking and kind so people have the right impression!

[ziracona]

What does Philip do after ilm? Does claudette ever end up starting her own nursery?

Claudette does indeed! After college, she opens a nursery, and she also gets a little lab and spends a lot of time studying plants and looking at more and more herbal medicine and also just recording plant biology and uses too, for posterity. Philip goes with her, and works at the nursery too. He attends school locally (rather than audit) and gets an Associates/2-year Degree in engineering, just becuase it was a thing he never got the chance to do, and feels very accomplished having done—it was something his mother really wanted for him, the opportunity to get a degree. He spends a lot of time researching history and various cultures and their accounts of mythology, legend, and lore, trying to find a way to both return to the realm someday and to kill the Entity. All the survivors work on that project, to varying degrees, but Philip is one of the most dedicated. His own cultural magic and Vigo’s are the two he saw work practically the most, and since they’re both old systems, he mostly studies old magic—as in old, old, so old it almost stops being magic and just starts being human culture magic. Blood magic, basic wards, hallowed ground. Simple and fairly universal concepts, and he works backwards from there, employing what he knows of how the realm works too. Adam, Claudette, Quentin, Benedict, Nancy, and he all study personally a lot of the realm artifacts/Entity DNA stuff, as well as Alex (although in a capacity of course that doesn’t hurt her at all—and while she hates being forced to sit still for a long time, she is always given so many rewards after letting people look at her under a microscope that actually eventually the crow looks forward to or will try to initiate these sessions, similar to the way my dumb (read: wonderful) dog has learned that if I don’t see her and bump into her with my leg or something, I will go “Oh no I’m so sorry!” and give her a treat for causing accidental pain, and now intentionally commits insurance fraud 24/7 on me for faked injury treats. Jane studies as much research as the actual science crew, but she doesn’t have the time to learn as much like, microbiology, so her area is more reading through reports and helping allocate research/the steps that come after the microscope itself.

Philip also travels with the group, and sees the living members of his family as much as he can, plays a lot of DnD, very painstakingly learns guitar from Kate (and, especially since he & Quentin live in the same apartment or house most of the time, practices a lot with Quentin who is also very slowly learning/building on his in-realm lessons), and just kind of does whatever he can. He never stops journaling once he starts again, although it becomes a little scrapbookish, especially after Meg and Susie give him an instant camera a few years in, because it’s so easy to tape those to a page recording a good day. I think he does this with the hope/intention of someday getting Vigo back, and being able to show him life he missed and should have been there for, like Claudette did for him, recording all the memories he lost. Philip feels in a lot of ways like he’s living the life Vigo should have had, since he accomplished Vigo’s goal, and he’s very grateful to be alive and happy and out, but I think he clings a little desperately to the fleeting possibility of being able to give back what should belong to someone he loves. Even as good as things have turned out, he’s definitely still afraid to hope, so I don’t know how much he thinks he will ever really be able to save Vigo, or even if he’s really sure he’s not gone-gone/didn’t flee the void and pass on to death when the rest of the void did, but there’s definitely a part of him that feels sure he’s still there and that he will get back there too himself someday. I think the possibility of that not happening is both terrifying and too awful for him, so he doesn’t think about it at length ever, becuase it wouldn’t help anything anyway. He still talks to Vigo sometimes when he’s alone, though. I think all his apartment mates heard him do it maybe once, but probably had no idea what they heard/still don’t really know, but Claudette has heard him do it in the nursery several times when he thinks he’s alone, and she really wishes she knew what to say to him. She doesn’t though, and is a little worried maybe she isn’t supposed to know, so she just tries extra hard to work on research too, and to try to make sure he feels loved. While Isa, Philip’s brother, is the only person that Philip has talked about his relationship with Vigo with (well, Benedict & Sally too somewhat i guess, but that on a what-you-already-knew level, not a new-info one), Claudette eventually did ask him about Vigo once when she was a little worried, and became the only other person to have at least a vague idea of the part of their history Philip knows. While Philip doesn’t recover any stolen memories, he does sometimes see fragments like he used to, in dreams, and at Claudette’s suggestion, he starts trying to draw them, and Nancy works with him and Claudette to try to help quickly sketch a realistic portrayal of whatever image he had, and then Claudette tries to help him look up what it might be. This isn’t the incredible memory flood trigger they wish it was, and usually it’s hard to tell, or it’s something basic, like, he’ll have remembered a very specific looking (and not survivor standard) campfire, or an oddly mangled hand that is definitely not his, a syringe with something unusual in it, etc—occasionally something more useful, like a Sami drum—but even if it’s like finding a photo album of nothing someone else took and trying to use it to figure out who they were, it’s a lot better to Philip than no fragments. It makes him feel like he’s still at least got little pieces of things he lost, and that makes them his and damaged instead of just gone. It’s comforting, and he deeply loves and appreciates Nancy and Claudette for doing it with him. They also kind of make it just a normal fun part of the breakfast ritual, so it feels just kind of okay and expected and nice. A good part of life, and progress, rather than a hopeless task or a sad one.

[artificialqueens]

nobody knows where we might end up, chapter eighteen (branjie) - holtzmanns

(read on ao3) | (tumblr: plastiquetiaras) | word count: 4710

AN: The penultimate chapter - it’s hard to believe that this fic will be over by next week. This fic has really pushed me with plot development and storytelling, and I’m so grateful for it. Enjoy this doozy of a chapter. Thank you all for the sweet sweet feedback and reviews, they truly motivate me so much and make me so happy. Writ is the best beta one could ask for <3

(then)

It’s just a Skype interview.

Vanessa can do it.

A Skype interview. She doesn’t have to fly to California or anything for it, either. She just has to wear a nice button down shirt and a blazer, do her makeup and sit in front of the webcam on her computer to try and impress an admissions committee approximately four thousand kilometers and three timezones away.

She’s more confident this time around. The humming in her veins is less so that of nerves about embarrassing herself, and more so her brain running through possible questions that she’s already practiced, her potential answers already rolling off her tongue.

Vanessa’s done this once already. She’s been through this process.

This time, she’s going to do it right.

She doesn’t have to worry about being interrupted, either. The kitties are asleep on the bed and Riley’s resting by her feet, and Brooke, well…

Vanessa doesn’t know where Brooke is. Probably class? Maybe the library?

There’s a tiny voice in Vanessa’s brain that reminds her of how her and Brooke always used to be hung up on each other, even when they were busy. Constantly texting, sending each other funny pictures from things they encountered on campus. The way that Vanessa would always snap a photo of the weird foods the guy in front of her in organic chemistry would always bring to lecture, just to brighten Brooke’s day while she was stuck in her human biology lab.

Hell, the last person she’s texted is her mom. Before that, Silky. Before that, A’keria.

She hasn’t texted Brooke since three days ago when Brooke told her to clean out the fridge when she had time.

Vanessa doesn’t need Brooke for this interview. She doesn’t need any help in preparing, she’s done it herself.

And she’s going to keep doing it, too. Because she’s strong enough, smart enough, if the last year has taught her anything.

If it doesn’t work?

Well, there’s always nursing school.

“Thank you, Vanessa. It’s been wonderful talking with you and hearing your perspective, especially from the lens of being part of our neighbours to the north, with a differing healthcare system. You absolutely possess qualities that we value in prospective students.” The woman from the panel on Vanessa’s screen sounds happy, actually happy, and Vanessa has to press her palms onto her knees to keep herself from pumping her first.

She’s done well. First interview of many, and she’s done well.

It feels like retribution. Like she’s reclaiming what’s been taken from her, but doing it with her own spin. Making her mark. Staking her claim on what she’s been working so hard towards.

Vanessa’s going to get it. One way or another, she’s going to start med school in the fall.

She looks underneath the couch cushions, trying to find her cellphone. She’s gotta call her mom, tell her that she did well, that things are finally, finally coming together. If she’s done well with this Skype interview, who’s to say that she won’t with the interviews in person at all the Ontario universities? Vanessa feels like the Skype interview has given her a boost of confidence, pulling her off of the ground and towards the ceiling that’s been holding her back. And now, she’s going to break through it.

Vanessa grumbles when Riley gets up from his spot on the floor, because of course her phone had fallen on the ground earlier and he’d been sitting on it the entire time. Typical.

Her phone is already up to her ear and ringing when the front door bursts open, and there Brooke is, waltzing in and dropping her bag in the entrance and opening the fridge while…some strangers wait in the doorway?

Vanessa hangs up as Brooke turns to her, biting into an apple. “Oh, hey. Came to drop stuff out before heading out again.”

Vanessa wrinkles her brow. “Where are you-”

“The second year med students are planning some prank on the third years, apparently. Supposed to happen soon. We’re gonna go watch.” Brooke throws out the apple core as she finishes it, turning back towards the people at the door still shouldering their own backpacks.

“You ain’t even gonna introduce everyone?” So what if it comes out saltier than Vanessa intends it to be? It’s been a semester and a half that Brooke’s been in med school and Vanessa feels like that part of her life is completely separate, untouchable to her.

“Oh.” Brooke pauses. “Well. Steve, Jon, Aurora, Courtney. In that order. Everyone, this is Vanessa.”

The guy farthest on the right (Jon? Steve? Vanessa’s missed it), his arm around the guy beside him, lets out a noise that makes the normally loud Vanessa want to plug her own ears. “You! You’re Brooke’s girlfriend!”

“The one and only.” Or so Vanessa hopes. Not that she wants to go down that spiral.

“Honestly, we were beginning to think that you didn’t exist, from the way we’ve never seen you.”

“I may as well not.” Vanessa mutters it under her breath, so that they don’t hear. As much as she’d love to start shit right now and as much as she loves mess, she’s not gonna stoop low.

“Well, come along with Brooke to our library study sessions sometime. We get stuff done. Occasionally, at least.” The girl with the bleach blonde hair turns towards her friends. “Remember that time that B ordered pizza to the library? And we snuck it in and-”

“We ate it and hid it from the security guard under the table-”

“-that was hysterical.” They’re all cracking up, the lot of them, and Brooke is too, and Vanessa wants to disappear into the couch. More inside jokes that she’s not a part of. Probably will never be a part of, at least not in the same way that a group of friends sharing a med school class are a part of.

It’s fine.

“Yeah, sure, maybe.” The words leave Vanessa’s lips halfhearted, because really, does she want to go and hear about people that she doesn’t know and classes that she’s not part of, and generally feel like she’s still on the outside looking in?

Not really.

“Brooke?”

“Yeah?” Brooke looks surprised, almost, that Vanessa’s calling out to her. It could be due to the fact that they haven’t been speaking much over the last few weeks, or maybe not.

Who’s to know for sure, really?

But Vanessa’s interview went well, real well. And she kinda wants to share it with someone. Someone there in person, not just on the phone. “Can we talk for a sec?”

Brooke bites her lip, looking between her friends and her phone. “Um, can it wait? Just got the text from a girl in our class that everyone’s meeting outside Convocation Hall to watch. We gotta go.”

Sure, Vanessa expects it, because the two of them aren’t each other’s highest priority anymore. But it still fucking stings. She patches up the hole in her chest, the one looking for Brooke’s pride, Brooke’s approval, the one that preens under Brooke’s appreciative glance because she’s not going to get it anytime soon. “Yeah, sure, whatever.”

She could fight right now, yell at Brooke for being flippant. But does it matter? When Brooke probably won’t even give a shit?

It’s not like she really does these days, anyway.

The door closes behind them and Vanessa pats the couch, letting Riley jump onto it and curl up beside her. She buries her face into his fur as the sounds of talking get softer and softer down the hallway.  

Vanessa doesn’t feel like calling her mom anymore, either.

Brooke comes back when Vanessa’s already climbed into bed, reviewing her notes for her upcoming microbiology exam. Vanessa doesn’t want to look up, she really doesn’t, when Brooke climbs in beside her.

They don’t automatically snuggle into each other the way they used to. It’s like there’s an invisible wall between their sides of the bed, and Vanessa’s not sure which one of them keeps on adding the bricks on to it.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Vanessa flips to another page of her review, trying her hardest to focus on the virus that she’s supposed to be studying, but can’t help pulling her eyes up.

“The second years set a bunch of chickens loose on the lawn in front of Convocation Hall as they left their lecture. It was hilarious.” Brooke lets out a small laugh, evidently remembering the sight in front of her. Not that Vanessa cares.

“Fun.”

“Yeah.” There’s an awkward pause, one that makes Vanessa want to fidget before Brooke speaks again. “You wanted to tell me something earlier?”

Oh. That.

“It doesn’t matter.” Vanessa mumbles the words as she turns another page over, because it really fucking doesn’t. Brooke didn’t care enough a couple hours ago. She doesn’t care now.

Vanessa doesn’t need any reactions or cheering from her.

“What? Just tell me.” Brooke shifts on her side, raising an eyebrow. “What was it?”

“I ain’t gotta tell you anything,” Vanessa snaps, suddenly annoyed. The interview feels like it happened ages ago by now, anyway. She’s already told her mom and Silky and A’keria and celebrated how well it went by ordering in Postmates and why should she have to retell it, when Brooke didn’t even want to hear about it in the first place?

“Fine,” Brooke huffs, crossing her arms. “Don’t say I didn’t ask, later.”  

“Fuck off.” Vanessa doesn’t want to deal with this, doesn’t want to end up in the shitty mood that Brooke always manages to put her in. She’s tired of it. “Not like you actually care.”

Though apparently, Brooke isn’t. “What the hell is your problem?”

“Excuse me?” Vanessa feels her voice raising as she finally puts her review down on the bedside table because is now the time that Brooke is going to come for her? Really?

“I don’t actually care? You’re the one who never talks to me anymore, you never want to come to things with me or meet my friends and, you know what? I’m tired of trying with you.” Brooke looks cold, real cold, in a way that Vanessa’s never really seen directed towards her. The kind of closed off expression that she only gets when she talks about her parents, or when she’s ranting about one of her professors. The kind of Brooke that Vanessa’s not quite so used to, not when the Brooke that she normally gets is soft and open and not so closed off.

Vanessa’s about to run her mouth, though Brooke isn’t done, cutting her off before she’s able to say anything. “All you’re doing is pushing me away. Like the past three years have been bullshit and don’t matter anymore.”

“You’re the one who’s left me behind!” Vanessa runs a hand through her hair, because how doesn’t Brooke get it? Brooke’s moved on, moved onto other things and left Vanessa floundering in the dust and they’re supposed to be a team.

That’s what they’re supposed to be.

“No I didn’t, and you know that. I’m still trying, I’m the only one that’s still fucking trying between the two of us because you can never bother to even give me the time of day anymore.” Brooke’s jaw is set and she swallows hard, as if she’s trying to push everything back down and it’s not fair. Because Brooke is acting like this is solely her fault, when it isn’t.

“You’re never here anymore, how do you expect me to even do that? You’re always in class or hanging with your own friends or doing some med school event or the other. Not like I can even come to those.” Vanessa crosses her arms. She’s not going to follow Brooke to the ends of the earth to try. Not when Brooke wouldn’t even do the same for her.

“It always comes back to med school, huh?” Brooke lets out a bitter laugh. “Always the thing that makes you snap.”

“Don’t-”

“You still blame me because you didn’t get in, don’t you? Or at least, you take it out on me. Because I’m here and the admissions committees don’t exactly respond well to any sort of threats.” Brooke hasn’t raised her voice, not really, but the words still set Vanessa on fire, make her angry because Brooke’s so damn calm while she says them.

“You think real highly of yourself.” Vanessa doesn’t care about being quiet anymore, unlike Brooke. Not when she’s being like this. “You ain’t that important, bitch.”

“Believe whatever you want.” The ice is back, the tendrils beginning to creep along Vanessa’s skin from her words. “We both know it’s true. That’s when things started to get like this, when you stopped trying to actually talk to me about things. When you didn’t get in and I did.”

“Fuck off.”

“Maybe try a little harder for this next year and you don’t have to be so bitter anymore.” Brooke has a smirk on her face, the bitch. As if it’s all a joke to her.

“You really think I didn’t try hard? Like I didn’t put in as much effort as you, didn’t deserve it like you did? Like I wasn’t supporting you that whole fucking time?” Vanessa’s mad, real mad, because how dare Brooke even say that she didn’t fucking try hard, when Brooke was the one who was there, and saw her. “Maybe the reason I didn’t get in was because I had to spend so much time trying to make you feel better. Holding your hand constantly when you got anxious and stressed and had to put my books down to make sure you didn’t fucking blow a gasket on me.”

It’s a low blow and Vanessa knows it, by the way Brooke’s eyes darken because this isn’t something that they make light of, or joke about. Either of their mental health. But part of it is true. Sure, it comes with being in a relationship, supporting your partner. But maybe, just maybe, it’s taken away success from Vanessa too. Or at least, that’s what she’s going to tell Brooke, to drive that knife in just a little bit deeper.

There was a time when the last thing that Vanessa wanted to do was to hurt Brooke.

That was a long time ago.

“I didn’t realize I was such a huge burden to you.” Brooke narrows her eyes, and Vanessa can see the way that she’s covering up her heart, reinforcing it with every brick that she puts in front of it for protective armour. “You know what, though? I’m doing just fine. Just fine without you, don’t you think? Meanwhile, you look like you’re falling apart.”

Vanessa wants to scream and tell Brooke that she’s not, that she’s just fine, but the words don’t come. Because Brooke’s right.

And Vanessa hates it because it means that Brooke really has moved on.

“What, you don’t have anything to say, now that you don’t have anyone to blame anymore? Now that you actually have to take responsibility for something, for once in your life with no one to pick up the pieces for you?”

Vanessa doesn’t.

“Fine.” Vanessa’s off the bed, grabbing her coat that’s hanging on the back of their bedroom door, because she’s done. “You win.”

“Can you just fucking listen to yourself for once? It’s not about winning!” Brooke’s following her and she doesn’t care, she’s not going to stop even with how frustrated Brooke sounds. Because she’s wrong.

Brooke’s won, left her in pieces the way that she’s so good at doing again and again.

Vanessa doesn’t need Brooke to build herself back up.

(now)

The light of dawn makes Brooke glow in shades of gold.

It’s 5:45 a.m., and Vanessa’s unable to sleep anymore because of the rays of sun that are beaming directly into her eyes from Brooke’s bedroom window.

Their surgery starts at 8 a.m. sharp. They’ve done the practice run, have had consult meeting after consult meeting. Vanessa would probably be able to do the procedure with her eyes closed. Even if the surgery is approximately four and a half hours long.

Vanessa’s done longer. They both have. She’s not worried.

For now, her thoughts are solely drawn to the woman lying beside her.

There’s something about Brooke in sleep that continues to be absolutely mesmerizing to Vanessa. The way her lips are slightly parted, the way the worry lines etched into her face smooth themselves out while she’s dreaming. The slight twitch of her fingers and the soft breaths that she lets out as the sheets brush her skin.

She’s beautiful.

Vanessa gets up as slowly as she can to not wake Brooke up, and pulls on one of Brooke’s sweaters before she heads to the kitchen. She can’t help the little curses she lets out as she tries to get Brooke’s Keurig to work, different from her own at home.

“Stupid, damn machine-”

Though she doesn’t have to grumble to herself for long, two steaming drinks in her hands before the clock strikes 6:00.

When she heads back to the bedroom Brooke is awake, a hand running through her hair and her eyes wide as she sits up. Vanessa can see the palpable relief in Brooke’s eyes when she spots her in the doorway, along with the way that Brooke’s grip on the sheets begins to lessen, her body releasing the tension that had began to build up.

“You okay?” Vanessa hands Brooke a mug before sitting down beside her on the edge of the bed.

“Yeah, I-” Brooke draws in a breath, looking down at the sheets. “Thought you’d left.”

The words lie heavy in Vanessa’s heart, because she knows she’s the one that’s made Brooke so afraid of it.

“I ain’t gonna leave, B,” Vanessa starts, voice soft, “Unless you want me to.”

Brooke looks up at her and Vanessa can see a vulnerability in her eyes. Neither of them are talking about this morning anymore. Vanessa knows it, she knows that Brooke knows it.

Vanessa’s not going to leave.

“You know it’s different now, right?” Vanessa puts her hand on top of Brooke’s on the mattress, feels Brooke’s hand turn over to grab hers. “It’s not like it used to be. We’re not like that anymore. We’re different.”

“We are, aren’t we?” Brooke’s just as soft, her voice on par with the way the sun is beginning to rise even more, lighting up the room.

“We’re not gonna end up like that again. I won’t let it.” Vanessa won’t. She can’t, because she’s already lost Brooke before, slowly and then all at once. Ripping off the band-aid at a torturous pace.

“How, though? How do we know we won’t end up like that again?” Brooke’s voice is almost pleading and Vanessa gets it, she does, because the tug in her heart is asking the same question. Waiting, just waiting, to catastrophize and concoct scenarios of how they could go all wrong.

“‘Cause we’re not gonna let that resentment build between us. We’re killing it in our own fields, both the heads of our departments. We’re not competing against each other anymore. We’re cheering each other on.” It does make a difference, it really does, when Vanessa thinks about it. Not having to vy for the same opportunities, same goals.

Brooke’s success isn’t a detriment to Vanessa’s own, and vice versa. She knows that now.

“Plus, I’m not a bitch ass, immature, twenty year old anymore.” Vanessa is sheepish as she says it, watching Brooke giggle. “You succeed now? I’m gonna have my phone out to record everything with a proud fucking grin on my face.”

“Same.” Brooke tilts her head and the sunlight glints off of her hair and Vanessa’s never seen a more beautiful girl in her life. “I want those memories with you. I want them to happen.”

“Look at you getting all soft on me, B.” Vanessa leans forward to kiss her, cutting off the half hearted protest on Brooke’s lips (‘I’m not that soft’).

But it’s true, Brooke is. So soft and open in a way that Vanessa loves, in a way that she feels so lucky that she gets to experience, since Brooke likes to keep that part of herself hidden away, not showing it to just anyone. Vanessa had been lucky enough to have that version of Brooke in university in the early years. And now here Brooke is, trusting her and letting her see the most beautiful parts of herself again.

Not the fact that Brooke’s a great surgeon, even though she is. Not the fact that she’s brilliant, absolutely brilliant, a fact that everyone already knows.

But rather, the fact that Brooke’s grip on her hand always tightens when she’s happy, and also all the little kisses that she presses to the crook of Vanessa’s neck whenever they snuggle as they’re about to fall asleep. The way that Brooke seems to remember little flippant things that Vanessa says, ever so thoughtful, like when she brought coffee before their consult meeting with the entire team yesterday and Vanessa’s had a dash of vanilla, just the way she likes it.

The softer parts of Brooke that contrast from the tight ship she runs as a surgeon, the rigidity that she imposes. The parts that make Vanessa realize that she really still loves her, so so much.

Brooke’s alarm clock blares as the numbers shift over to 6:30, making them both jump. Brooke turns it off, and Vanessa can’t help the way she leans against her side, revelling in how Brooke wraps her arms around her and rests her chin on top of her head.

“We have to get ready.” Brooke mutters the words into her hair before pressing a kiss there, and it makes Vanessa want to squeeze her eyes shut tight.

“No, we don’t.”

“We have a surgery scheduled at 8:00 a.m. sharp.”

“Who said that?”

Brooke snorts. “Come on, baby. Let’s go.”

The term of endearment makes Vanessa’s heart flutter more than she wants to admit, as if she’s eighteen again and crushing on the girl that sits beside her in anatomy class with two french braids in her hair.

Except, now? She knows, really knows, how much this girl actually means to her. And how hard she’s going to work not to lose her again.

“Tie up the back of my gown for me?”

Vanessa dries her hands and turns to see Brooke standing with her back towards her, scrub cap already on along with her face mask, surgical gown on top of her scrubs but untied.

“Sure.” Vanessa double knots the ties on the gown the way she always does with her own, always remembering the one unfortunate instance when she hadn’t tied her gown properly and it promptly came off on top of a patient’s open chest. Not one of her finest moments.

“All done. Anyone tell you how fucking adorable you look with a scrub cap covered in cats?”

Brooke’s mask is covering half of her face, but Vanessa can still see the way she blushes, the top of her cheeks glowing pink. “Shut up.”

“I’m serious! It’s cute.” Vanessa protests, pointing to her own covered in puppies. “Besides. We kinda match.”

“That’s true.” Brooke grins behind her surgical mask, and Vanessa can tell by the way that her eyes scrunch.

The charge nurse for their surgery yells out a timecheck, and it makes Vanessa remember that they’re really about to do this together. After so much planning, so many late nights. So many fights in the early stages, which seem almost comical now, looking back at them.

She and Brooke are both too damn stubborn sometimes, though it’s something that Vanessa hopes never ever changes.

“You ready?” She reaches out, squeezes Brooke’s hand before letting go. They’re still at work, after all, but she knows how Brooke can get, how an extra check in never hurts.

“Yeah. Now c’mon.” Brooke tilts her head towards the operate suite, at the way their team is finishing their set up for the surgery. “It’s a beautiful day to save lives.”

Vanessa gapes. “You did not just quote Grey’s Anatomy at me-”

Brooke cackles as she follows her into the suite. “I’m quite the McDreamy, aren’t I?”

“You wish.”

Vanessa massages her own shoulder as they stand in the line for Tim Hortons, neither of them particularly keen that morning on packing lunches for after their joint surgery.

“I’m fucking sore from being hunched over.”

Brooke looks over at her with an adorably furrowed brow. “You’re a surgeon. You do this for a living.”

“And you’re supposed to say you’ll give me a massage.” Vanessa pouts, though it morphs into a grin when Brooke wraps an arm around her shoulders.

“If you’re patient and can wait until the end of the day. Can you do that?”

“It’ll be real difficult.” Vanessa lets out a fake sigh as they head to their table, where some of the neuro and cardiac surgeons have already began to eat. “I dunno if I’ll have it in me.”

“If you’re good, you can have something in you-”

“Bitch-”

They’re both giggling as they sit down at the table, and Vanessa can already see the incredibly curious faces of their coworkers.

“You two aren’t fighting?” Kameron points between them, squinting her eyes as if she’s attempting to solve a complex math problem.

Brooke shoots Vanessa a look, almost asking permission. Vanessa nods, because what the hell. It’ll be funny to see everyone’s reactions.

“Considering she woke up in my bed today, no.” Brooke takes a sip of her coffee as their table erupts into chaos.

“Goddamn! And y’all say that I’m the loud one.” Vanessa yelps when Yvie grabs her hand to high five it, ducks out of Kameron’s bear hug directed towards her. “Absolute animals.”

“So. Tell us.” Plastique looks delighted as she takes a bite of her sandwich. “Was the sex good? After that much fighting, it must be good.”

“A lady never kisses and tells.” Brooke smiles faux demurely before stealing a Timbit from Vanessa’s lunch.

“Hey-”  

“Sorry, baby.” Brooke doesn’t look the least bit sorry as she pops the Timbit into her mouth. “I’ll make it up to you later.”  

She’s so cute that Vanessa can’t even be mad about it.

Yvie wrinkles her nose. “You two are already gross. Unbelievable.”

Brooke grins. “Says the girl who wouldn’t shut up about her date with her girlfriend during the temporal lobe tumour removal last week.”

Yvie sticks her tongue out at both of them. “Hateful.”

“Truthful.”

Vanessa’s about to chime in, when she’s interrupted by the slam of Asia’s tray on the table, Asia herself looking out of breath and quite smug.

“You all won’t believe the tea I have on these two from yesterday.” Asia looks positively delighted as she points between Vanessa and Brooke.

Vanessa can’t help herself. “We already told everyone else. It ain’t breaking news no more, Anderson Cooper.”

“Damn. And here I was actually excited about something for once.” Asia scowls, before pausing. “Wait, how do you know who Anderson Cooper is?”

Vanessa scoffs. “I watch shit sometimes. Nah, I’m playing. It was on the TV in the cardiac outpatient waiting room the other day. I prefer 90 Day Fiancé, myself.”

Kameron snorts. “A woman of culture.”

“That I am, bitch.”

Brooke nudges Vanessa’s side. “Gotta go. Consultation with a patient in ten.”

Vanessa gives Brooke her best fake pout. She knows that they’re at work, surrounded by coworkers and patients and families, but sometimes it feels like time spent with Brooke passes by too fast, like it’s in fast forward.

“Don‘t give me that face.”

“Hmph.”

Brooke raises an eyebrow. “Don’t you have a meeting in ten, too?”

Vanessa shrugs. “Maybe so.”

“You’re something else.” Brooke reaches over to ruffle Vanessa’s hair and Vanessa yelps, because her curls don’t stay this nice with anyone messing them up.

“I’ll see you soon?” Brooke’s eyes are expectant as she stands up, gathering her things from the table.

“That you will.”

It’s true, in more ways than one. Vanessa doesn’t want to let Brooke go anytime soon.

[biopsychs]

What I Learned From University (2nd Year)

See what I learned in first year here

Adjust how you study → I have a different study method for each class. Even if the content is similar to another class or you’ve had the prof before, you have to personalize your learning.

You can skip class sometimes → My introductory microbiology class was the worst class I’ve ever taken and I love microbiology. The prof sucked and I found I could just catch up on notes on the bus and have extra time to sleep in. I rarely skip class but I realized my time was much better spent working on other things. Only skip classes if catching up on notes is more efficient/a better use of your time than actually going to lectures. Also, don’t be afraid to take a day off (when you can) if your mental or physical health is suffering.

Group projects suck → I knew this already but nothing could have prepared me for what I had to deal with in my one semester long research methods class. I wish I had talked to my TA  or prof earlier to explain what was going on and how I could fix it. (Side note: Use Google docs for group projects!)

Mentoring programs are a great thing to be involved in → I got involved with a mentoring program for women in stem at my university and it has been such a valuable experience! I have access and connections to upper year students and women working in academia and industry who are there to provide help and guidance. My only regret is that I was too timid to ask for help at the start -- take advantage of the opportunities you have!

Get larger projects like reports and essays done as soon as you get them → My organic chemistry lab reports always took so long to write so I would delay working on them. However, I eventually got into a routine of finishing my lab report (or at least 95% of my report) on weekends (my labs were on Fridays) and it made my life so much easier! Just get it done and you won’t have the looming stress of a big project or report hanging over you.

Go to social events on and off campus → You can be social in so many different ways at university! Find something you’re comfortable with or go just outside your comfort zone. I went to a pizza party for psych majors and it was chill. I also went to a pubcrawl and it was so much fun. If you’re hesitant, drag a friend along the first time but make sure you talk to new people!

Apply for summer jobs early → Lots of good summer jobs for university students are posted early! I check my university’s job board and also look for jobs that are meant for students (where I live the government will provide funding for summer students to certain organizations). Make sure you send in your applications in as soon as possible too! Even if the deadline to apply is in two weeks, some places will get in touch with applicants (and could potentially hire someone) before that deadline. Find out if your uni has a career advising office (or something like that) and check it out, if you need help with resumes, cover letters, interviews, etc.

Leave your options open  → If you’re unsure about your major or career path, leave your options open as much as you can! Use the time you have now to explore what you really like. Last year I made the decision to do a double major in biology and psychology, because I wanted to go to med school but also wanted to leave the option of research (in bio or psych) open. Now, I’ve decided to major in psych and minor in bio, with the intent to pursue clinical psychology. I took classes and got research experience that helped me make an informed decision about what I really like and want to do.

Get involved in research and use your connections → Get research experience as early as possible. This will help you figure out if you actually want to pursue research or not, and will be so helpful with applications if you end in a position where you’re doing your own research! I have found it much easier to get involved with research by having connections (like talking to a prof, grad student, or upper year undergrad student who is already involved with a lab) rather than sending out cold emails to profs and hoping they’ll reply. If you are sending an email to a prof/lab you don’t have any connections to, make sure your personalize it -- mention any prior experience you have and why you’re interested in that lab specifically.

Check your email constantly → As a general rule, you can never check your email too much. Make an effort to reply to emails as soon as you get them, because otherwise you might forget about them. In general, reply to emails within 24 hours anyways.

Take a summer class → I took a summer class on the psychology of motivation and it was totally worth it. I knew I would have to take a summer class at one point and I knew I would prefer to do it earlier in my degree (taking a summer class in my last year does not sound like fun). It was refreshing to see how well I could do when one class was my only priority and I was able to learn/retain the content so much better. It was also nice that I was able to take an upper level course (my previous psych courses had been only 1st or 2nd year level) by itself so I could get used to the increased demands. One thing to note is that summer classes go by really quickly (in my case 3 lectures were equivalent to 3 weeks of classes) so make sure you’re keeping up with the material.

Find your optimal level of stress → One thing I learned in my motivation class is that we all have an optimal level of stress. Think of it as an inverted U shape, with performance on the y axis and stress on the x axis. The highest point, the top of the U, is your optimal level of stress, where stress is helping you perform to the best of your ability. If you move past that point (either less stress or more stress) your performance is going to decrease. If your stress levels are high and anxiety-causing your performance is going to suffer. I found my optimal level of stress when I was studying for my first motivation midterm -- I was cramming the night before but because I had no other pressing responsibilities (like 4 other classes) I was able to feel stressed without feeling panic or test anxiety also. Find your optimal level of stress and see how well you perform. Remember that feeling when your stress levels are rising so you have a baseline to get back to.

Don’t get stuck as “premed” → Being premed is completely okay but don’t close yourself off from other options. I know so many people who are premeds and are also biochemistry majors. Some of these people don’t even like biochemistry but stick with it because they think it will make their application look better. Please study something you’re actually interested in. Med school is a great option but just make sure you have a plan B (and a degree that is going to suit this plan B). I know someone who graduated with their biochemistry degree and regretted it -- by the end of their degree, their plan was no longer med school and they wished they had done a general biology degree, w classes they liked, while taking a few biochem classes they liked. I used to consider myself premed but I realized clinical psychology is a much better fit for what I actually like/am good at. Just make sure you want to be a doctor for the right reasons is all I’m saying.

Morning classes are actually kind of okay → Everyone talks about how bad morning classes are, but I actually prefer them. I have a hard time paying attention in later classes and it’s really nice to have all my classes done by mid-day. Just make sure you keep a regular sleep schedule (i.e. try to go to bed/ wake up at reasonably early times so your body can recover better on the nights where you get less sleep) 

Always come prepared → This applies for so many things. Bring a snack, don’t forget your charger, do your readings. You’re never going to regret being prepared but you may regret not being prepared.

Be ready to register for classes → Know your time and date to register for classes and be ready to click register right at that time! I always make multiple schedules b/c often the lab times or classes I want to take are full. If a class is full, make sure you know what to do. Register on the waitlist. If there isn’t a waitlist, find out who you need to talk to (usually the prof or department head). Check back a few times a week to see if spots open up in classes, because a lot of people change their schedule. Don’t wait to talk to an academic advisor if you’re not sure which classes to take or have any concerns.

Quizlet is a blessing  → Quizlet is an app/website that lets you make flashcards and view other people’s flashcard sets. Study flashcards while you’re waiting in line for coffee or on the bus. You may also be able to find flashcards from people who took the same class as you -- use those! If you make your own flashcards be a nice person and share them with your friends :)

A bad grade is not the end of the world → In one class I got 35% on my first midterm and never managed to get a midterm grade higher than 68%. I was absolutely destroyed when I saw that mark on my first midterm and was ready to give up. Please don’t give up! I talked to my prof and was able to have my other midterms weighted more and I used my lab reports to bring my mark up. If you show your profs you’re working hard they’ll do what they can to help you out. It’s really easy to feel like your hard work is not making a difference, especially if you’re continually not getting the results you want -- this doesn’t mean you should stop working hard, it just means you may have to study differently, review material daily, and ask for help! If you fail you need to remember that you will have to work harder -- you have to keep up with the new material and relearn the old material. I wasn’t overly happy when I saw my final grade in the aforementioned class but, when I compared it to my first midterm and my feelings of utter confusion, I was satisfied with my grade because it showed my progress and improvement (and I also used it to motivate me to never let it happen again).

Realize that everyone is at university for different reasons → Some people have big goals, some people are still figuring it out, and some people just want to get their degree as soon as possible. There’s nothing wrong with being any of the above, just don’t expect everyone to have the same goals as you.

Know the deadlines for dropping courses → Even if you don’t think you’ll be dropping or changing any courses, write the dates down in your planner. My friend waited a few days too long to drop a math class that turned out to be extremely difficult and, even though she passed it in the end, she was stressed out all semester and her performance in other classes suffered as a result.

You’ll always be meeting new people and making friends → I lived off campus first year and felt like I had missed my chance to make friends. I shouldn’t have worried so much. Second year was much better in that there were a lot more familiar faces in my classes and I got to know other people much better through smaller classes and labs! Other people are always happy to make friends so just take the first step by starting a conversation :)

You can’t give 100% all the time → Some of the best advice that I was given this year was that you can’t give 100% all the time. You only have so much time and energy (mental and physical) you can give. For some tasks, the outcome from 70% effort and 100% effort may not be too different. Figure out what tasks those are so that you have enough energy to give 100% when you really need it.

[frecklessbellamy]

Happy selfie night, my loves! Have a sleepy, early morning, pajama clad selfie that I took the other morning when I was procrastinating getting out of bed to go for a run...whelp, three weeks until the season six premiere, the countdown is well and truly on! In the meantime, I'm on prac (think unpaid internship) at a microbiology lab and even though working full time, plus weekends at my actual paying job, means I'm in a permanent state of exhaustion, I've met lots of lovely people, I'm learning lots and I'm super excited to finish up so I can start applying for jobs! I'm also hoping I might have found an opportunity to build on the research I was doing at uni last year, which is really exciting! Anyway, I hope you're all doing well and taking care of yourselves, much love! ❤

@commander-anya @tabatharich @starboybellamy @johnmurphysass @nightbleeder @starboyholden @deadshotbellamy @flowerclarkes @gardenofstories @youleftme-clarke @baellamy @raven-reyes-of-sunshine @crazejen @towalkinyourlight @el-corazon-y-la-cabeza @jordanjaspergreen @as-inevitable-as-morning @iwilltry-tocarryon

[hcsmca]

Massive Science on Lydia Bourouiba

TEDMED is proud to partner with Massive Science, a digital science media publication that brings together scientists and the science-curious public. The team at Massive joined us onsite at TEDMED 2018, and covered talks by various speakers including Lydia Bourouiba. Check out their coverage of Lydia’s TEDMED 2018 talk below.

In 1934, Williams Wells was the first scientist to convincingly describe airborne transmission of diseases in the context of tuberculosis. He introduced the notion of  two main routes of pathogens spread: large droplets, which fall due to gravity, and small droplets, which waft through the air as they evaporate. It is believed that pathogens like Tuberculosis are transmitted through large droplets, whereas diseases like measles could through small ones, although evidence remain controversial and debated. 

It may surprise you that for more than 80 years—despite new diseases, new means of travel, and new technology—our understanding of these basic routes haven’t changed much. Not until recently, when Lydia Bourouiba, associate professor at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and director of the Fluid Dynamics of Disease Transmission Laboratory, began to revisit these fundamentals and redefine how we think about respiratory disease transmission—literally from the ground up. Bourouiba began her career by studying the mathematics of how fluids flow, specifically looking at fluids with turbulent or chaotic dynamics/motion. When she moved to Toronto shortly after the SARS epidemic, she realized that similar mathematical principles could be useful in modeling how diseases spread. That’s when she began to use mathematics in epidemiology, and in particular, the limitations of top-down modeling with mechanistic understanding of the fundamental mechanisms governing the patterns observed. “I started seeing these gaps in understanding transmission in particular, and [seeing] that fluid dynamics could help fill such gaps,” explains Bourouiba.

Traditionally, scientists have created epidemiological models by developing equations, based on a variety of parameters that describe how diseases are transmitted between people and populations. However, many of these parameters are fitted to data and not based on physical principles—like how sneezing actually transmits disease, or what factors influence how far sneeze droplets may travel or persist. 

Bourouiba thinks that improving the accuracy of these parameters and framework of modeling would greatly improve predictive power and intervention strategies. “If one doesn’t have a mechanism to rationalize [the parameters] down to something we can directly measure, validate, and control, one ends up fitting data to models,” says Bourouiba, rather than designing models that incorporate underlaying physics. “One loses predictability power and ability to control.”

So Bourouiba moved to MIT as an NSERC Postdoctoral Fellow and Applied Mathematics Instructor, and then as faculty, and began to try to explain how diseases are transmitted globally based on how they are transmitted between you and your neighbor. Equipped with a range of experimental optical and biophysics methods, including, direct visualization and measurements, such as with high-speed imaging, microscopy, fluid flow models, and patients, Bourouiba and her team are now answering fundamental questions about the mechanisms of respiratory disease transmission.

During TEDMED, Bourouiba showed how the physics of turbulent puff cloud of air emitted during exhalations, suspending and trapping drops within them, radically  change the range of pathogen deposition and contamination, thus, shifting the paradigm away from the small versus large droplet framework of Wells into the mechanistic description of exhalations including information of time and space, needed for monitoring, infection control and prevention,  and risk assessments. 

The next step is understanding how a exhalations coupled with ambient environment and patient physiology in infection, including when infected with flu, can inform early detection and intervention.  Her broad findings have already identified suggestions for disease control that can be implemented, influencing a variety of public health protocols and policies.

But she still has further questions—like how the size of droplets can impact our susceptibility to disease. “The properties that exhalations and their payload influence also efficacy of infection upon exposure, for example influencing,  their deposition in the lungs,” says Bourouiba. “We are working at elucidating the whole process, accounting for coupled physiology, immunology, microbiology, and fluid processes, to construct the full picture of those  that have particularly high abilities to transmit certain respiratory diseases effectively.”

This could inform how we manage numerous high impact pathogens. Take tuberculosis, a disease that infects up to a third of the world’s population. Researchers know its symptoms begin deep in the lungs, but further characterizations of when, how, and why people produce infectious droplets could improve how we handle patient care and research.

Bourouiba is excited about the multi-year study she’s leading with a diverse collaborations she put in place to  include clinicians, infection control specialists, microbiologists, immunologists, and virologists, for the study of transmission of influenza. Pioneering work in this interdisciplinary field isn’t easy. But Bourouiba says that ten to twenty years of this kind of research could lead to dramatic, tangible results, useful for a variety of pathogens. Considering the long and often uncertain process of developing new vaccines and diagnostics for infectious diseases, her approach to defining evidence-based prevention strategies is a vital piece of the puzzle. “You have to be doing both [prevention and treatment research].” It’s also becoming ever more important. Because of rising antibiotic resistance and increase in connectivity, and emergence and re-emergence of pathogens, she explains, “We might be going into an era [similiar] to pre-antibiotic times, which is extremely concerning.”

Bourouiba’s work is an important step toward redefining disease transmission, and infection control and prevention, moving the fundamentals from descriptions to measurable and quantifiable mechanisms. Truly understanding how people get each other sick will help us design protocols, policies, and tools to help people stay healthy and prevent epidemics and pandemics.

About the author:  Joshua Peters is a PhD student in Biological Engineering at MIT. Around two billion people in the world are infected with a microscopic bug called Mycobacterium Tuberculosis. Despite this, only a fraction develop tuberculosis. And a fraction of those infected – almost 5,000 a day – die. Joshua puts on Stranger Things-esque protection equipment and probes these bacteria to ask, what allows them bacteria to win this tug-of-war? To understand this variation, he looks at how both human and bacteria cells change on a genetic level in response to each other, as a member of the Blainey Lab, located in the Broad Institute, and Bryson Lab, located in the Ragon Institute and MIT.  

The post Massive Science on Lydia Bourouiba appeared first on TEDMED Blog.

Read more from TEDMED https://blog.tedmed.com/massive-science-on-lydia-bourouiba/#utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss

[phulum]

rules: answer 21 questions then tag 21 people u want to get to know better

tagged by: @offclout thank you for tagging me honey 💖💖

nickname: anyuta, angel nothing else really :o

zodiac: capricornn

height: hah.. 5'3 (162.5cm)

last movie i saw: spiderman: into the spider-verse, i rewatched it again recently ..if you havent seen it yet please do yourself a favour and watch it!!! its soo goooooood

last thing i googled: vendredi sur mer (i'm trying to find good french artists to help me with my french in school 😪)

favourite musician: mitskiiiiii 🌾💫

song stuck in my head: écoute chérie

other blogs: i'm not very active on them

following: 223

followers: 2646

amount of sleep: i get around 5 on avg

lucky number: 1, 16

what i’m wearing: my pyjamas hehe

dream job: i literally have no idea but i have dream college courses..i want to do microbiology/foresics/bio-chemistry (and a few more )im stuck between those -actually id love to work in a lab! 🏄‍♂️

dream trip: when i graduate i might go to spain

favorite food: potato/cabbage pieroshki cant think of anything else rn :0

play any instruments?: i used to be able to play fur elise on piano

languages: english & russian; at school im learning irish and french

favorite songs: these are honestly the worst questions because i never know my favourite anything

random fact: im going to start working towards my drivers license this year,,, !

describe urself as aesthetic things: nighttime (or even at time of sunset!!!!) strolls down the beach during the summer 🌕

tag: @sobear , @egg27 , @angelattacks , @jouv3rt , @02seulgi

[driedrottenflowersblog]

Start.

Perhaps around this time last year, a friend of mine recommended me a book about finance and investing, entitled Psychology of Money. Apparently I have little interest when it comes to financial advice (because I barely understand) but he persuaded me that the book is more about wisdom of using money, rather than practicality on how to double your money. I haven’t finished the book (although the book is not particularly thick), however I start to read some parts that I left.

I was being totally random and get to read this part about, how you as a person never be the same person you were. He talks about sunk cost, that if I quote from his book, defined as “anchoring decisions to past efforts that can’t be refunded”. Basically, he is saying that what is absolute that people change over time, so making a decision that will trap your future self will cost you.

I am not sure how exactly it will cost you, but to put it in a way I can understand more, I think since you change overtime, you can not be certain that what you want now will be what you want in the future as well. For example, your present-self is sure that you want to follow this career path, and you work hard to achieve it. However, your future-self is a different person with different wants; you end up unsatisfied even if you have earned the thing you’ve been working hard towards.

Now about me. Whenever I did MBTI test, I find that I have almost-balanced percentage when it comes to P-J traits. “P” is an initial for Perception, while “J” is an initial for Judging. I haven’t read MBTI in depth, but I think basically P-person tends to make decision on whim, prefer have things unplanned. J-person prefers meticulous planning and takes time to make decision. I think almost everyone have both of this behavior when it comes to make decision. Basically, when the risk is high, you ponder more on what you should do, however if the risk on being disappointed is low, you don’t mind not making any plan. However, I find myself sometimes being spontaneous on making big decision (so I figure out that I lean towards P spectrum more- although I get J results based on test – I know myself better hah), and one of them related to my decision about what and where to study for my grad school.

I was majoring in Engineering, a major that I couldn’t imagine when I was in high school. However, I don’t think I will ever work in corporate as an actual engineer. I think I want to be an educator, or in this case academics. Somehow I have bioprocess engineer as my undergraduate degree, but with this degree I am generally admitted understanding math, physics, chemistry, and biology. This may sound like I’m undermining a certain study than the others, but I am more confident about biology than the other three. I don’t particularly like biology though; I like natural science in general, and to understand the “correct” biology, I need to understand math, physics, and chemistry. And it’s not like I have zero interest in social science, but I think it’s too late to change direction given my undergrad degree and high school major.

So, to choose what majors for master’s degree, I have no specific major in mind. I just randomly applied whatever major might be linear with my current degree. Long story short, here I am, doing my master’s in microbiology and Microbial Technology in Chulalongkorn University. Here somehow I am doing work in Environmental Microbiology lab, something that I never imagined I would be doing.

If I can track what thought I initially had when I applied, I think I was under impression that environmental microbiology has common theme that I can understand easier than the other labs. The idea is to use bacteria to eat unwanted pollutant in environment. So, to design the experiment, I think I need to know what pollutant I want as target and isolate bacteria capable of degrading that. Luckily at that time the type of pollutants is already determined. All I need to know first is papers to strengthen the arguments that pollutants are in urgent need to be depleted (how common the occurrence is, how big the risk is, how recalcitrant it is, etc.). That’s the end of my thought process, without really considering how exactly my bacteria works towards that pollutant.

I did learn microbiology when I was in undergraduate, but I never done any isolation. Luckily again, I am not doing isolation. Someone else in lab already enriched a group of bacteria from soil that show degradation activities towards the target pollutant. The group is not yet characterized, so basically I have to characterize and apply this group in selected environment. I was thinking that everything went a little bit too smooth; I feel both good (I feel like I can graduate on time), yet kind of disappointed since there was little excitement.

Now I am in my last semester, and barely finish the first stage of my research. I have other two stages and only 9 months left. I still have to do both experiment, thesis writing, and manuscript for proceeding. I never know I will be in this situation, honestly. Somehow I lose interest in my own topic. I feel like I am willing to understand something when it is not my own research. This habit of mine not yet destructive, but I feel like sooner or later I will be depressed for not being responsible.

Back to the first part of this random writing, I learned that myself in the past is not the same person I am now. In the past, I was sure that I want to do grad school and to be a professor. Now I barely survive my master’s degree. I feel like I shouldn’t be too confident that I will have the same passion all the time. I do feel like I am just making excuse; maybe I has always been that kind of person who can’t finish everything I started well. But internalizing this thought making me feel worse about myself.

I definitely should finish my research though. So now I am making some attempts to spark my interest, by writing about things I learned in this lab. I learned so many things; it is in fact indeed interesting for some people. Perhaps what I need is different ways to view it. Rather than viewing it as a burden, I should feel like I won’t get any opportunities like this anytime in the future. Even this period of slump, I might need to experience this once in a while to be more mindful about myself.

My past-self never predict that I will be dealing with bioinformatics and microbial ecology as the center of my research topic. Strangely, I want to be someone versatile who can work in various topics. I want to be able to make connection from every research project I am working on. Very challenging and probably this writing will become a total blunder. However, I want to manifest this thought at least for now.

[leonard-cohen-the-second]

When Two Hearts Collide Chapter 3: A Warm Invitation

Pairing: Tamsin/Lauren- Copdoc

Rating: T, possible M in the future

Ao3 Link

FF Link

Summary:  Waking up to Tamsin's arm around her was strange, but a good start to Lauren's day nonetheless.

Lauren woke to a low hum coming from below her and a soft chuckle above her. It took her a moment to become coherent, her foggy brain trying to figure out why her sleeping space was moving, before she opened her eyes. Even with Tamsin's messiness, the room had a large window that cascaded brilliant light into the area, and with it Lauren felt just a bit safer. The hand rubbing her back helped immensely, and the breath she had been absently holding released as she fell into soft... pliable...

Tamsin above her chuckled again, her hand leaving Lauren's back to flip the page of the book she was reading, before replacing it. Lauren bolted up, holding her head as she became dizzy, and looked to the other woman who did not seem perturbed by any of this. She began fidgeting, trying to come up with something, anything, to say but it all drifted through her fingers.

“You talk in your sleep, you know,” Tamsin said, her eyes never leaving her book.

“Tamsin, I'm-”

“And your nose scrunches all cute when I responded.” Seeing the mortified look on Lauren's face, cut with a small smile, Tamsin shrugged and closed her book. “Guess you had a bad dream?”

Lauren combed her fingers through her hair. She was trying to remember what had happened in her dream but the ominous message about the opposite woman was the only thing playing on repeat. She thought she might have seen her brother, but that was impossible, he would never leave their parents. And then she remembered- “Stacy?”

Tamsin rolled her eyes and hitched her elbows into the bed. Pushing herself into a more comfortable position she responded, “She's just some crazy sorority sister. Doesn't know when to back off.” Lauren was more absentminded than she usually was, Tamsin found. She nodded her head, her brow knit, before she tried to get off the bed. “Hey,” Tamsin cooed, lightly brushing against the woman's arm. When soulful brown eyes looked at her, it made butterflies fly in the cage that was her heart. She cleared her throat, dismissing the overly sappy thought before saying, “I'm sorry for what I said last night. It was stupidly cruel.”

“It's okay, Tamsin.” Lauren lightly smiled, her eyes looking Tamsin over slowly. She was about to stammer out a response but Lauren interjected, “I should get ready for the day.”

And with that she was gone, grabbing her things and heading toward the showers. It left Tamsin wondering if that look of pitifulness she thought she saw in the woman only a week ago had been sadness the entire time.

+++

The day passed much like it always did. Lauren had gone through her psychology and chemistry courses before studying in the lab for microbiology. The classes were easier than she expected them to be, and the first hill she had encountered at the beginning of the semester was hurdled over in no time. She wasn't used to the workload just yet, but she had adapted well enough to continue to pass her classes. Most days it was trying to subdue the excitement of going to the Marquis Medical Clinic to work with real doctors and nurses, while others it was holding in the giddiness she felt by swabbing and analyzing cultures. She was more at home at the school than she had ever felt before, and chip by chip the sadness block that was inside of her was slowly melting. Or it was just being very well hidden, she would think.

After such a long day, she would head to the cafe set up on campus a little ways away from her building. There were closer ones around the area, but Lauren liked the walk in the fresh air, as well as the possibility of no one seeing or recognizing her from class. Having to pretend to like others was a hassle most days, especially those that diminished her work in class. Sure she had outlandish ways of looking at things, but the blatant backlash from more of the male students was nothing she had been expecting. Wasn't that the reason it was called a 'practice' because every doctor would have a different viewpoint and would go about medicine in different ways?

Lauren slumped down in the booth, putting her books that could not be crammed into her backpack onto the table, before waving towards the brunette that worked as a server. When she saw she was on her way over, Lauren put her head down to read the menu even though she always got the same thing every time.

“And what can I get for you today?”

The voice Lauren was expecting to hear was sultry and low, a hint of flirtation. What she heard was higher pitched, one that she had heard before briefly inside of her room and inside of her nightmare. The blonde looked up to see Stacy standing over her, a pen and pad in hand and a severs apron around her midsection. Lauren had never seen her working there before, and even though it was winding down to the end of the week, it being Friday and all, she didn't think a student would only work three days. Weekend jobs were common, she tried to tell herself though her more irrational mind was fighting at every turn. Why was this woman following her?

Lauren stammered out, “Uh, a mocha-s'mores latte with no whip, please.”

Stacy smiled deviously before feigning care and asking, “Nothing to eat?”

“No I... You know, never mind. Cancel that order for me, I just remembered I had something I need to do.”

A hand went down onto the table, Stacy's body moving to block Lauren in her seat. She didn't say a word, but something did catch her eye outside. A beat passed before Stacy rolled her eyes and grinned at Lauren, moving away without another glance back. Lauren quickly gathered her things, looking outside to try to find whatever had caught Stacy's attention but seeing nothing, before leaving the cafe hurriedly. She walked the long mile back to her dorm room, looking over her shoulder every so often as the day waned to night, before fumbling with her keys. Getting inside she quickly turned and locked the door behind her, placing her forehead on the hard cold wood, trying to catch her breath.

“You're very dramatic, huh?”

Lauren turned on her heel, looking to the woman posted in the bed as per usual. She wore an oversized shirt with blue plaid pajama bottoms. Her hair was down, which Lauren thought it was the first time to ever see it like that, and the same book from earlier was in her lap. Seeing it head on revealed it was actually one of her books, Star Trek the Next Generation: Dark Mirror.

“Tamsin, what-”

“Not gonna even care about the room? For shame, doc.”

The first year sighed, turning her gaze away from the bed and out towards the larger living area to the right. For the past week she had tried to forgo assessing the area, seeing as any time she had actually organized anything it would be piled on the floor again when she left, and the normal routine was now to come in and go straight to the bed. This time, however, the floor was completely spotless. Lauren's many Star Trek novels were placed in numerical order, as well as her DVD collection, and she was sure if she opened the dresser Tamsin's clothes would be stacked neatly next to her own. Walking into the area further revealed the small table that had come with the room, that Lauren had pushed towards the window so it wouldn't take up the walking space, was decorated with a simple candle and two plastic plates and identical glasses.

Walking around the corner to the alcove the bed was placed in, Lauren was absolutely flabbergasted at how suave Tamsin was trying to be. The woman still had her head in the book, but a small grin made itself resident on her face that she was trying to hide with a curtain of hair. Even the bed area looked more pristine with the bed actually being done and the area around it being cleaned of any littered clothes.

“Did you do this for me?” Lauren asked, still in disbelief.

“The two plates didn't give it away?” Tamsin scoffed and closed the book to look up at Lauren. She became almost meek, barely looking into the woman's eyes and instead anywhere but. “So you were having a rough time, and I wasn't making any of that better. Happy home, happy mind or whatever they say.” Her explanation was cut short by a rap at the door. Tamsin stopped Lauren's advancement toward it with a hand on her arm, before opening the door herself. Money was exchanged and the lighter blonde turned to reveal a large Chinese take out bag in her hand. “Well, get ready for dinner,” Tamsin ordered, nodding her head toward the bathroom.

Lauren didn't think she took long in the bathroom changing into her own pajamas, but the look of surprise still crossed her features when she saw the candle lit and the two plates filled with lomein. The lights were turned down to a lower point, and it actually looked romantic in a funny sort of way. Tamsin was already sitting at the table, her arm draped over the back of the chair, and when she saw Lauren she straightened.

“About time, doc.” Lauren's cheeks turned crimson and she was rather happy there was not much light so Tamsin couldn't possibly see the minuet detail. Before she could sit down, Tamsin practically bolted to the chair, pulling it back and helping Lauren into it, before walking more slowly back to her own. She winked before digging in and between mouthfuls she said, “I hope you like lomein and alcohol. I mean who doesn't like lomein and alcohol?”

“I do,” Lauren replied, smiling before taking a mouthful. It was some of the best she had in a long time, preferring to cook for herself if ever the chance was raised. She understood in college life one could not always do that for themselves, so take out was the next best option. Tamsin sure knew how to pick her places, she decided, as she finished her plate quickly. She didn't realize how hungry she was, not having eaten all day, and she devoured the plate quickly. Tamsin didn't say a word at this, only getting the woman seconds and continuing to eat her first, simultaneously filling Lauren's glass as she drank much more than expected. After her second plate, Lauren put down her plastic fork and looked at Tamsin. The latter had been watching her periodically as she ate, something seeming to be on her mind but she never said anything. “Thank you, Tamsin. This was really nice.”

The lighter blonde seemed to perk up, as if realizing she couldn't stay deflated when the attention was on her now, and replied, ��No problem.”

Expecting something more, and the alcohol working through her system, Lauren pressed, “You didn't have to do this to apologize for last night.”

“I did,” Tamsin declared, her eyes now looking directly into Lauren's. “Everyone deserves an existence.”

“That's more than my parents would say,” she sighed, taking another drink. When Tamsin looked even more saddened by that, Lauren waved her hand in front of her as if to shoo away the bad thoughts. “Okay, okay, enough with that. Tell me about yourself, Tamsin. We've lived together for almost a week and I don't know anything about you.”

“There's not much to say.”

“Oh come on,” Lauren drawled out, her body laying back in the chair. “Come on, there's always something to say. Here, I'll start first. I wore a wedding dress and combat boots for my entire senior year to make a statement on the female body and femininity.” Tamsin burst out laughing immediately, causing Lauren to do the same and raise her glass. “See, see? Now you try.”

“Okay, um.” It took her a moment but Tamsin continued, “I once won a dance off wearing a skirt and leggings.”

It was Lauren's turn to begin laughing, drinking down her glass before hitching with laughter again. “You in a skirt? Please tell me it was practically a tutu.”

“It was practically a tutu,” Tamsin confirmed.

Both women took the opportunity to let themselves go, enjoying the company the other gave them, while their laughs turned to giggles and chuckles. It was strange to actually find solace in Tamsin, even for a moment, and Lauren bit her lip while she looked at her. There was something that made her wish to learn more, and she briefly wondered if every night could be like this. Spending time together didn't always have to be a headache, and this proved it. She only hoped Tamsin would see it too.

“Mm, I think I drank more than I intended,” Lauren mumbled, looking at her glass and then the bottle of wine.

“You pretty much killed it.” Tamsin smirked before grabbing both of their plates and dumping them in the trash next to the dresser. She then took the bottle of wine and filled Lauren's glass, ignoring the fervent complaints, before also throwing that away. “Thanks,” she said, taking the drink away from the woman before chugging it herself. She winked, placing it back onto the table.

Lauren chuckled, looking up to Tamsin dreamily before shaking her head as if to bring her back to reality. She raised to her feet and said, “I'm heading to bed. Wanna come?”

“In a minute, doc, still have all this to clean up.”

She nodded, giving one last goodbye before walking slowly into the large bed. After a sigh, she heard Tamsin begin cleaning up everything else from the table. The alcohol made her more tired than she realized, and before the other woman could join her in bed, she had fallen asleep. Though, she knew if she would ask Tamsin this the other would deny it, Lauren was sure she had felt an arm warp around her waist, a warm body pushing into her, and breath at her ear. And if Lauren was telling the truth herself, she would say she had moaned lightly while she pressed herself tighter into that body. She had no nightmares that night, and she slept better than she had in a very long time.