#i need to be around people but like if i have to do anything tmrw im gonna black out

[liquidstar]

a friend who'd wait :)

[impscar]

.

[nomaishuttle]

see i wanna talk to u guys more and be fr friends but ihave no clue how to go abr it. 1 on 1 talk terrifies me and i feel like just dming ppl wouldbe weird and even if it wasnt id still be rly scared 2 do it. but i also cant just post like Everybody tlk to me bc wheni see posts like that im like They mean everybody except for me. which is nonsense it says everybody yk... but i get worried nd i feel like others do too. i have a discord server But it scares me so i never talk in there.. this is the devil speaking but i wish still went to school and was just forced to be around ppl thatd be so much easier

[charcoallbaby]

fake marriage

smuttyyyyy ofc so 18+ also a lil toxic

tired asf i’ll do a spelling check tmrw thx for reading!

having a fake marriage was definitely one of the best thing to ever exist especially since i get paid to pretend to love a man who is basically heartless, well to most people he is.

i get to live in a giant penthouse in the city of boston, i get a huge bedroom, with a ensuite plus a balcony, free clothes, mostly everything gets handed to me.

as much i love being in this fake marriage, there are some cons mostly because of matt. i mostly hate hearing him fuck girls in the room next to me, when i can’t do anything like that, he’s very protective of me, he gets jealous very easily, he doesn’t really let me talk to any male being while he’s with me. he punishes me by not paying me that week which doesn’t really effect me, the amount of money i’ve made since this marriage is insane, it would take me months to run through it. but in matt’s eyes he’s somehow “punishing me.”

tonight was a black-tie event for one of his many company’s. he got me a vintage chanel dress from the 90s. it was the most beautiful dress i’ve ever laid my eyes on, i knew the price of the dress would be nothing to him, he just wantedme to look good standing beside him.

“ready?” matt asked while fixing his cufflinks on his wrist. “yeah, i just need to get my heels on.” i grabbed my silver heels from my collection of different types of heels.

“the cars outside y/n.” he looked me up and down. “fuck, can you grab my bag?” i asked slipping myheels on. he rolled his eyes and grabbed my bag off my vanity. “thank you.” i took my small clutch from his hands and made my way to the elevator.

“behave tonight,” matt whispered in my ear before placing his hand around my waist, smiling for the cameras. “i always do.” i say through my teeth. “we’ll see about that love.” he pressed a light kiss to my cheek.

everything is for the cameras and i mean that. the touching, the kissing, theres no contact between us at home. before today i hadn’t spoken to matt in probably 3 days. not that he would talk to me anyway. he only talks to his parents, his 2 brothers, the maids who clean the house(mostly flirting) and the girls he fucks in the guest bedroom, matt would never dare to fuck a girl in his own bed, he’s really weird about that type of thing, he hates when anyone goes into his room well everyone but the maids, as i said he flirts with them a lot, just to make them blush, it boosts his already massive ego. after i come home from picking up some groceries up or going to visit my friends, i hear him making up some story of how he saved an animal or how much money he gives to charity which i know he does. but he hates people, hates them other than the couple people he talks to.

mine and matt’s hands were interlinked as we walked into the building.

“how long have you guys been married?” the older women infront of us asked. i looked up at matt before speaking, “well me and matt have been together 3 years, married for 1,” i gave a fake smile to the women. “that’s just so beautiful!” she chimed. matt gave the women a small smile. “wait!” “what about kids, do you have kids?” matt’s let go of my hand and put the hand i just holding around my waist. i cleared my through before awkwardly laughing. “no, no,” “not as of right now,” i smiled. “maybe soon,” matt finally spoke. “oh really!” she exclaimed. “yes matt really!” i looked up at him, he looked down at me before looking back at the women. “maybe not soon, but in the future.” he licked his lips. “wonderful!” “it was nice talking to your mr and mrs sturniolo, i’m going to find my husband he wanders off!” she laughed. “you too.” matt gave her a straight lined smile. “bye.” i smiled.

me and matt watched her walk away. “fuck,” he took a deep breath. “having kids soon are we?” i turned to him. he moved both his hands around my waist as he looked down at me. “only said that for people to have something to talk about,” i could feel his warm hands through my dress. “it’s crazy how such a cold hearted person can make something up like that,” i teased him. he looked away from me, chuckled before looking back at me again. “you look good.” he licked his teeth. “yeah you too.” i touched his right bicep.

“thank you everyone for coming tonight,” matt awkwardly had his hand in his pocket as he gave a speech. “i would like to thank my team and my wife,” “thanks.” he awkwardly put his drink up in the air before taking a sip.

the room was filled with people loudly clapping.

“what’s wrong?” matt asked as he came down by from the stage. “my feet hurt.” i whined. “y/n baby, i didn’t marry you to whine about your feet come on let’s get a drink.” he put his hand on my back and guided me towards the bar.

“what would you guys like?” the bartender asked. “scotch on the rocks,” “y/n?” matt asked. i looked at the bartender. he smiled at me. i gave him back a small smile. i cleared my throat. “i’ll have a-” “she’ll have a glass of white wine,” matt interrupted me. “alright, that’ll be coming straight up,” he looked at me. “are you trying to piss me off?” he leaned down and whispered into my ear. “no,” i gulped. “you were flirting with that guy,” “matt i just smiled.” “we’re going home, come on.” he grabbed my hand.

the car ride was silent. matt was on his phone making the back of the SUV slightly light up. i looked out the window, mostly trying to notfall asleep.

matt pressed the button for the elevator. he stood there my heels in his hand while looking down at the marbled floor on the lobby floor.

the elevator opened, no one inside. we both walked in. matt pressed the number for our apartment before leaning his head against the wall behind him, closing his eyes. he looked so sexy, his jawline was sharp as fuck, his long hair falling over his eyes and his tie wrapped around his shoulders, he took it off when we got in the car. i pressed the emergency button making the elevator immediately stop. matt’s eyes darted open. he looked at me.

“why’d you stop the elevator y/n?” he groaned. “why are you so overly protective with me matt?” “you know i don’t flirt with guys especially in front of you, you love to make shit up did you see me flirt with that bartender?” “i simply smiled at him as a nice human does,” i crossed my arms. matt rolled his eyes. “what would you like to pretend that i don’t care?” “y/n, you think i care about who you flirt with?” “i actually couldn’t care fucking less, i just you know like to make this marriage look a little bit realistic,” he leaned over and re-pressed over apartment floor button. the elevator began moving again. “this marriage would be a little realistic when i have people over for you to not be fucking some girl,” i looked down at my nails. “what’d say?” “you heard me loud and clear,” the elevator doors opened. “thanks for holding my heels baby.” i grabbed the heels from his hand and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek just to piss him off even more.

i made my way to my room before matt grabbed my arm turning me around. “who do you think you are?” matt asked. i shrugged my shoulders before turning back around. “y/n!” matt yelled, pulling me back and pressing me against the wall beside us. “come on baby, tell me,” matt roughly held my waist. “i’m your wife matt,” i looked up at him. “your my wife y/n and i would like if you actually listened to me when i talked to you,” his grip on my hips became softer. “i’m sorry, i promise i’ll listen better next time daddy,” i batted my eyelashes. his eyes rolled into the back of my head. “i’m going to bed.” he backed away from me. “sweet dreams husband.”

after the little scene matt made, i changed out of my dress and walked into the kitchen to find a snack to eat.

i sat myself down at the kitchen island, a bowl of ice cream in front of me, my phone in my left hand, the spoon in my right. i had been thinking of eating this ice cream all day and now i finallygot a chance.

i was nearly half way through the bowl before shirtless matt walked into the kitchen, he had those plaid pj pants he loved with of course the waist band of his boxers sticking out. i rolled my eyes before focusing back onto the ice cream. i could hear matt open the fridge. i quickly looked at his back. it was so defined, his tattoos making it way hotter that it actually had to be.

“do we have any spare batteries anywhere?” i spoke. matt turned around, opened-water bottle in his hand. “why?” he asked. “for my vibarator,” i popped the spoon into my mouth. matt choked on his water. “do you know?” i asked. he cleared his throat. “yeah, there’s some in the uh-in my office on my desk.” he swallowed. “okay thanks!” i cheekily smiled. matt mumbled something i couldn’t make out before walking back to his room.

i opened matt’s office door to find him sitting on one of the couch’s controller in his hand playing his playstation. hm coincidence.

“sorry i just need to grab those batteries,” i walked past him and looked around his desk. i couldn’t see them. “matt where are they?” i turned around and looked at him. “they should be there,” he said not taking his eyes off the tv. i rolled mine while looking back down at the desk. “matt it’s an empty packet,” i held it up. he finally looked at me.“oh shit yeah- i was just being a nice husband, i already put the batteries in for you there sweetheart,” he flashed me a smile before looking back at the tv. i stomped over right infront of him. “i can’t see the tv princess,” “pause it then,” i bit the inside of my cheek. he paused it, placing the controller beside him. “you went through my stuff?” “you held my viborator!” “yeah, it was a nice one,” he smirked at me. “what the fuck!” “your insane!” i yelled. “eh,” “i’m not that bad love.” he opened his legs, man spreading.

i exhaled. “why would you think that would be a good idea?” i put a hand through my hair. “it was a nice gesture, don’t you think?” he poked the inside of his cheek with his tongue. i groaned. “it’s fucking weird!” “your not even my real husband!” “well if this makes you feel any better i did it so it would make the marriage more realistic,” he titled his head at me. “don’t bring that shit back up matt!” i whimpered.

“come on, it’s okay,” matt pulled himself more towards me. he placed his hands on my waist while looking up at me. “matt what are you doing?” i groaned. “it’s okay.” he pressed his warms lips against my stomach. i slowly closed my eyes. his lips stayed on my stomach while he slipped a finger up my shorts and into my underwear. he slid his finger into my soaking core. i let out a moan. he moved his finger inside me. after a few seconds his finger left me. i opened my eyes. his finger in his mouth. “oh fuck, you taste good,” he moaned. “let me eat you out,” he pulled me by the waistband of my shorts towards him making me fall down onto his lap. i quickly felt how hard he was underneath me. “lay there,” he said moving the controller onto the coffee table in front of us. i nodded my head. i layed myself down. matt licked his lips before pulling my shorts and underwear off. he placed himself between my legs. he was quick to slowly suck my clit. i cried out. “all you do is touch yourself y/n, i bet your dying for this,” matt groaned against me. he slipped his tongue into my licking up all my juices like it’s the best thing he’s every tasted. my hands were pulling onto his hair while parting my mouth open in pleasure. “ma-matt!” i cried out. “nearly there baby?” he pulled away from me making his warm breath hit off the pool he was between. “mhm.” i mumbled.

matt gave me one long stride between my folds before pulling away from me. i opened my eyes and whined. i was on the edge of coming. “i wanna fuck you,” matt said feeling his hard on through his pants. “okay-okay.” i breathed out. “not here, in my room.”

matt placed me down onto his bed, his lips softly meeting mine. we’ve kissed before around people but not alone, it felt so much more different this time.

“you on the pill?” he asked pulling his boxers down. i nodded my head. “i’m gonna fuck you without a condom cause to be fair, i don’t really care if i get you pregnant, your my wife after all.”

matt was inside me, not moving. i was trying to adjust his size. “you can do it, i know you can, matt whispered into my ear. “mhm,” i mumbled. he started to move inside me slowly but then started to pick it up. his arm was hovering over me, grabbing the headboard for support “fuckkkkkkk,” he moaned. “y/n, i’m gonna fuck you until the sun rises okay?” he grunted. “y-yeah.” i let out. “such a girl good for me.” he placed a kiss to my lips. his necklace that had a horse pendant was dangling over me, i got him it for his birthday that he claimed to only wear when we have to put our act on but he wears it all time.

i clenched around matt for like the 4th time in the last 2 and half hours.

matt dropped himself down beside me. “it gets better every fucking time y/n i swear.” matt said before sucking a nipple into his mouth. “mhm, i know baby.” i closed my eyes and put a hand through his hair and down his neck.

he popped my nipple out of his mouth before looking up at me. “you wanna order food, we can fuck inbetween don’t worry, i just hungry as fuck when i have sex,” he leaned his chin between the gaps my boobs. “yeah i could eat something i’m starving,” i ran my hand over his cheek. “your choice to pick.” he said before kissing my lips and getting up to throw his pj pants back on. i looked up at him sprawled out on his bed, naked. “am i the only girl you’ve had in this bed?” i asked. “pretty much,” he grabbed his t-shirt from the ground. “i feel special,” i grinned. he jokingly rolled his eyes. “don’t worry, not gonna happen again,” “that’s what you say until you hear me moan your name while my vibartor is between my thighs,” i sat up. “you think of me?” he chuckled. i nodded my head. “my wife actually thinks of me while masturbating, im a lucky man.”

“yeah, no more sex.” i spoke before rolling my eyes.

[tvgals]

— YOU’RE MY BABY, SAY IT TO ME . °｡⋆⸜

hobie brown x black! fem! spider woman! reader

cw: angsty, angst/no comfort, character death (reader), hobie doesn’t know how to cope, might be a series, brief description of blood/gore (not descriptive)

synopsis- after a brutal fight with a villian from hobie’s universe, hobie is left with a broken heart and the love of his life bleeding out in his arms.

ENJOY!

hobie didn’t know what to do. here you were, in his brittle and shaking arms in the cold, the villian long gone and defeated. his eyes welled with tears, people gathering around to get a better look at the chaos unfolding in front of them. “ey, get back. not your business.” hobie spat from under his mask, waving around his arm to move people back. he heaved you onto his back and swings away, trying to hards to make it to the hospital.

“y/n. are ya awake? stay with me love.” he mumbled, holding the hands that were too limp to support your body weight. “mmm..” you whimpered in pain. hobie could feel your blood seeping through your suit and onto his, and it terrified him. “wake up. need your eyes open.” hobie finally makes it to the hospital, wanting to sob and take all your pain away. he walks into the lobby and gives them the rundown, leaving you there. alone. cold and scared

but that was a year ago, a year since your passing and hobie hasn’t been the same. he always felt as if he could’ve done something to stop it, as if it was all his fault. he keeps everything you left in his room the same, he hasn’t moved anything around since your passing, even opting to fall asleep on the couch. although he hates consistency, he couldn’t hate the feeling of you next to him. the feeling of your presence. he swears he can feel you sometimes. his friends worry about him. they haven’t seen him for months now, not knowing about your tragic death. so once he decided to catch them up on the news, he just — broke.

“all my fault. shoulda got here over there in time. she woulda been here!” his stoic attitude long gone. he physically and mentally couldn’t do it anymore. a piece of him died with you. gwen, miles, and pavitr all huddle around him, giving him reassurance and encouragement. honestly, they didn’t know what to do. they’ve never seen hobie like this before — a fragile and vulnerable mess. “it’s not your fault. there wasn’t anything you could do.” miles says, rubbing hobie’s back. “yes there was. i could’ve stopped it, miles. you should’ve seen her. all bloody and bruised. i wish i could go back, help her and have her with me.” hobie cries, leaning back in his chair. gwen bites her lip before talking.

“technically, there is a way you could go back..” she mumbles, rubbing her forearm. hobie grudge and looks up at gwen, “i’ll take it.”

pt.2 scheduled for tmrw babes

taglist — ;: @theemrsjaeger @jiwooscoffee @sweeet-cloud @kelesisworld @dirtydynamight

[houseofripley]

Hotel Hell - Part Two

Rhea Ripley x Fem!Reader

Part One Pinterest

WARNINGS: SMUT, 18+, Fighting, Shoving, Oral Sex, Vaginal Fingering, MAKEUP SEX

WORD COUNT: 3,812

A/N: omg i am sorry this took me years to finish, life has been busy but it should calm down soon. i got such a good request the other day and i haven't gotten it off my mind so i will start that tmrw if i have time. also i proofread this at 2am so please ignore any mistakes lol

“The Brutalization Chamber? You want to know what The Brutalization Chamber is?” The Irish man laughed out, his eyebrows raising once you turned your gaze towards him. 

An expression of curiosity displayed on your face as you repeated the name of the supposed ‘chamber’. It was obvious to the man that you wanted to know more.

The man began making his way down the stairs, “No offense sweetheart…but I don’t really think this is the place for a girl li-” He tried to speak before being cut off.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

“I don’t really care what you think sir, I want you to show me what's down there.” You chirped out, following the male down the flight of stairs, your hand hovering over your aching ribs.

“Well shit, if you insist,” The guy chuckled out, “Feisty, she’ll like you.” He muttered under his breath as he opened the door. 

She’ll like you…was he talking about the same ‘she’ you had spent your night with? The same woman who just got done unleashing pure cruelty onto you? The same woman who disappeared into this exact building moments ago?

“Name’s Finn by the way,” He mentioned, “It’s just us, the big boss is probably around here somewhere as well.” Finn spoke as you scanned the room looking for ‘the big boss’.

Grimy was the only way to portray the room. Rope lights scattered across the ceiling, some were dim while others flickered. There were freezing concrete walls with cracks littered all over. A red neon sign displaying the letters ‘TBC’. A blood stained ring sat taking up a quarter of the room. Various pieces of gym equipment and punching bags were compressed into a room off to the side. 

“So…just a gym?” You questioned the man, there was no sign of Rhea.

“Nah, it’s a little more than just a gym love…think of it as a fight club. A fight club with a fuck ton of money involved.” Finn stated leading into a room the size of a walk-in closet, the room seemingly being a pathetic excuse of a nurses office. 

You leaned against the door frame while Finn babbled on as he started unpacking his bag, “People come to us in desperate need for money. They’re entered into our roster, put in the ring and bet on. If they win their match they get fifty percent of all bets placed. Bunch of sick wealthy men love wasting their fortune on this shit.”

“Don’t you think this is just a tad bit illegal?” You chuckled, sending a small wave of pain to your ribs.

“Eh I don’t worry about that too often,” Finn shrugged, digging around his duffle. “Rhea’s not too worried about the legalities when there's this much money involved, she can pay her way out of damn near anything.”

Rhea.

Despite your pain you perked up at the mention of Rhea’s name although you stayed silent.

“Rhea would like you, you’re quiet but there's just something about you, like there’s a fire inside you.” Finn mentioned, pointing at you. “I would introduce you to her but earlier this afternoon one of her top guys lost her like seven thousand. She stormed off to god knows where. Another one of her main guys has a big match in about half an hour. Going up against some new kid we’ve never seen so I’m sure she’s busy worrying her ass off.”

You heard a scoff echo from the main room as footsteps approached. “Jesus fucking christ Finn! Do you ever shut your goddamn mouth?” You heard Rhea sarcastically laugh trying to cover her anger.

You slowly turned to face Rhea, examining her tensed jaw and narrowed eyes. Reality had finally washed over you. The weight of Rhea’s actions flooded into your brain. You couldn’t figure out if you felt more betrayal or anger in the moment.

“Ah! Rhea mate!” Finn exclaimed, trying to divert from Rhea’s critiques. “I was just telling this young lady how much you’d like her…I never caught her name though.” 

Your face turned to the ground as you tried to mutter out your name. “We’ve met.” Rhea butted in, her voice was fully flat-devoid of any sign of emotion. That’s when the regret hit you. 

You shouldn't have come here.

“I should leave…it seems you guys have a busy night.” You muttered quietly. Rhea took a firm grasp on your forearm, “That can wait, let’s go have a chat.” Rhea said as her head motioned towards what you assumed to be her office.

“No, I-I can come back another time, I really don’t want to be a bother.” You barely managed to stutter out while Rhea’s middle and pointer finger of her opposite hand guided your chin up, forcing you to look at her. “I said let’s go have a chat.” Rhea commanded, her grip on your arm tightening. 

You reluctantly followed the woman as she dragged you in the direction of her office. You knew you were in for it big time.

“You are a fucking insane bitch! What could have possibly made you think it was okay to fucking show up to this place?!” Rhea lashed out at you the moment the latches of her door clicked together. She dropped your arm before shoving you towards the other side of the room. You had been lucky enough to catch your balance as you were just inches away from barreling into the concrete walls.

“I just wanted to learn more! I wanted to figure you out Rhea! Can you blame me for wanting to figure out why you’re so angry and cruel every time I see you?” You said loudly, your voice filled with hurt.

“That doesn't give you the goddamn right to follow me to where I work! You don’t fucking get it, these people I work with are dangerous and I don’t want you getting caught up in this bullshit!” Rhea retorted out as her breaths began picking up speed.

“What makes you think I’m so incompetent that I’m incapable of being around danger?! You put me in danger nearly every fucking time I see you! ” Your hands flew around as you yelled at the woman, tears accumulating in your eyes. 

Rhea began inching towards you, a look of irritation covering her face. “I don’t fucking put you in danger!”

“Yes you fucking do! You have no idea how many bruises you’ve left me with. The other month you choked me till I passed out, yet you didn’t stop fucking me to check if I was okay! For fucks sake Rhea, an hour ago you left me bleeding and collapsed to the floor!!” All hell had broken loose between the two of you as your tears started escaping from you.

“You told me you could take it! I don’t get why you’re bitching and moaning all of the sudden.” Rhea continued arguing.

Your fist crashed down onto Rhea’s nearby desk, “I can take it rough, but you can’t keep disappearing after being borderline torturous! You’re so damn immature!!” Your screaming matched showed no signs of stopping anytime soon.

“I’m immature? You’re the one that followed me to my job and is throwing a tantrum right now!” Rhea’s voice thundered around the room. 

“You don’t get it Rhea! I’m a fucking person and you dont give a shit about me! Why don’t you fucking care?!” You yelled through broken sobs as you started unleashing your sadness and anger onto Rhea, pushing and beating on her chest. 

Rhea made no attempt to stop you. She made no moves, just allowing you to inflict your pain onto her. 

Once your hands had dropped to your sides in exhaustion and your breaths became heavier as you tried calming yourself down Rhea quietly mumbled, “I do care…”

“But you don’t…” You looked up at her with wide eyes, lifting your shirt. You exposed your aching torso displaying your cut up skin, dried blood pooled around your laceration and the letters of Rhea’s name carved into your skin. “Someone who cares doesn't do this and run away.” You quietly said, your voice strained from the screaming match.

The regret in her eyes was apparent as she darted her eyes away from you. The realization she had gone too far had hit her hard, feeling as if she was being crashed into by an eighteen-wheeler. 

Her vulnerability was short lived, Rhea quickly repressed her display of emotion, replacing it with her regular cold and emotionless stare. She had to put on her tough guy attitude. It was her only safety blanket. Emotions are for the weak, Rhea could never be weak.

“You get worse every time I see you, something has to change Rhea…” You breathed out, trying to articulate your speech as you lowered your shirt back down. “If you can’t fix this behavior I’m done.” 

“You know you don’t mean that.” Rhea sighed as she ran her hand through her black hair. She didn’t want to lose you but she could never admit that. “I need to think about…everything. Just give me a some t-” 

Rhea was cut off by a deep voice from outside the door. “Ten minutes till the bell Rhea.” Rhea rolled her eyes and made her way to the door, “Just give me some fucking time Damian! And go get a roll of gauze from Finn. Quickly.” Rhea demanded after opening the door just a sliver. 

You clenched your jaw as you sensed Rhea’s levels of anger were once again rising. The last thing you wanted was to end up back at square one with her. You couldn’t handle another argument with her. Not tonight at least. 

The pair of you stood in silence as you waited for the man to return. Once he had arrived he opened the door, handing Rhea the roll of fabric. His eyes curiously examining you through the crack in the door. 

“I’ll be out in a minute…” Rhea aggressively muttered before closing the door. She mumbled your name under her breath before walking to her desk.

 “You’re lucky Finn showed up early, only God knows what could have happened to you if one of the other guys showed up before him.” Rhea grunted as she unlocked a drawer and began rummaging through the mess inside. 

What is it about her?

“Why such a dark line of work? What made you choose this of all things?” You questioned, you were terrified to set her off but on the other hand you wanted to push for answers from her. It was the only way to get your foot into the door of her life.

Rhea stumbled her way towards you avoiding eye contact, a tube of antibacterial gel in her hand as she shrugged. “Not something you choose. You’re born into it and can’t escape it, you just have to accept it and make the best out of it.” She mumbled while she lifted your shirt up. 

Rhea applied a small glob of the antibacterial gel to her finger while she lowered herself to her knees, becoming face to face with your shredded skin. The woman began dabbing the gel onto your skin causing  you to let out a small hiss from the pain.

Once she finished applying all of the gel she wiped the residue from her fingers onto her pant leg and grabbed the roll of gauze. Rhea cleared her throat before speaking up, “Just stay in here for a while, I can take you home after this match.”

“I’m perfectly capable of walking home by myself, Rhea.” You stated, watching Rhea carefully wrap the gauze around your waist.

“I’m walking you home and that’s final.” Rhea stood her ground, “Seriously though, just stay in here. I’ll be back.”

You weren’t planning on fighting about this with her, deciding to keep your mouth shut you let her take the win. “Fine, whatever.” You gave in as Rhea tied a knot in the gauze to hold it in place. 

“Shouldn’t be more than twenty minutes.” Was all Rhea had said as she stood up. Nothing else left her lips as she exited the room. 

No apology?

You groaned as you sat down in Rhea’s large chair. You blankly stared at the wall for several minutes before your mind started to wander. Exploring anything that popped into your head. Places, things, people, Rhea. 

If you were being honest with yourself you were doubting the woman's ability to change her ways. You assumed she would most likely be this way her whole life, although you prayed she had it in herself to change. She had the potential to be great if she would put her pride aside.

It wasn't long until the cheers of the crowd on the opposite side of the door had started drowning out your thoughts. 

You wanted to catch a glimpse of the madness. You stood up from the large chair, your feet scuffing the ground as you strolled to the door

You cracked the door open, taking a peek of the ring surrounded by a flock of rowdy men that were yelling. The large man you made eye contact with earlier was in the ring brutalizing a much smaller guy who couldn’t even be older than twenty-five. He was putting on one hell of a fight but it was clear he stood no chance.

Rhea was the only woman there, she was stood right against the ring watching intensely. She had caught your image in the corner of her eyes. Her face turned in your direction, she tilted her head as if she was asking you what the hell you were doing.

You mouthed the word sorry to her before quickly closing the door. 

Fifteen excruciatingly boring minutes had passed, the cheers had dispersed into muffled conversations. Rhea had finally arrived back in her office. She seemed content which you enjoyed. 

“You ready to go?” Rhea asked, you answered with a simple nod.

As the two of you made your way out of the building Rhea exchanged goodbyes with some of the strange men.

The entire walk was silent, the both of you reflecting on the weird night you had been through together. The silence wasn’t uncomfortable, it was almost peaceful. Having Rhea in your presence when she was somewhat calm was pleasant. You wanted to hold onto this peacefulness for the rest of your life.

It took you by surprise when Rhea insisted on taking you directly to your door instead of just dropping you off in the front of the large building and ditching. 

“You didn’t need to take me all the way up here.” You quietly mumbled as you unlocked the door to your apartment. “Lot’s of bad people around this time of night.” Rhea muttered as your door swung open. 

You turned around to face the woman, her eyes peering over your head, scanning the entry of your apartment. “There’s bad people around all times of the day. I’m used to it.” You said quietly, her eyes returning to you.

An awkward silence filled the air as the both of you gazed upon each other. Rhea began rubbing her neck, “Uh…I should go. I’m gonna go.” She feebly stated before turning away from you, quickly walking down the hall. She had stormed off before you could even speak up.

Still no apology?

—

Multiple days had passed. Rhea had made no contact yet. You spent a concerning amount of time just staring at Rhea’s contact in your phone, debating if you should press the call button. Yet you couldn’t bring yourself to do it.

She’d call if she cared enough.

It felt as if life had paused, your days seemed empty. The busy streets of New York City felt devoid of any livelihood. The live music that took place at work sounded muffled. The flavor of your favorite foods had been stripped away. Once colorful flowers sold down at the street market now sat dull.

Days just painfully repeated. 

Tonight you had the night off, your only plans were to stare out the window of your bedroom and pray for a text from Rhea. 

You sat criss-cross at the edge of your bed twiddling your thumbs, your mind seemingly empty as you stared into the windows of the skyscraper across the street when the sound of a knock echoed down your short hall.

Groaning in annoyance as you got up you began making your way to the door, chewing the inside of your cheek as your feet shuffled below you. 

You weren't sure who you were expecting to be in the hall but it completely caught you by surprise when you swung the door open to see the dark haired woman waiting for you.

Without a word Rhea launched herself onto your lips, the force causing you to be pushed back a few inches.

Jesus Christ.

This felt like more than just a kiss, it had an intense amount of passion intertwined into it. Rhea’s hands gripped onto your waist as you backed into the apartment, her foot kicking the door behind her closed.

She had never kissed you in this way before. Before tonight you had only received measly pecks while the two of you had sex. It was never emotional.

Rhea slowly pulled away from your lips, both of your breaths were heavy as she finally spoke, “Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Finally.

“God, I’ve treated you like shit and I have been such a dick. It’s been the only thing on my mind. You don’t deserve that, It’s not okay.” Rhea began rambling as you stared into each other's eyes. “I get it if you never want to see me again but please just give me a chance, I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ll get my temperament under control, I’ll go to therapy, whatever you say I will do it.”

“Rhea-” You whispered, trying to calm her down but she continued her rant. 

“I want to know you, more than just your body. I wanna know everything, The good, the bad, the boring…I wanna know what pisses you off and what makes you cry. I don’t know why I kept you a stranger for so long and I’m sorry for that.”

You led Rhea into your small living room as you listened to her rambling. You took a seat in your chaiser lounge and ushered her to sit in front of you as her speech continued on. “I don’t know why I ran away…I think it's cause I didn't want to hurt you. But I did hurt you, so badly. I don’t want to run away anymore, I had no right to ever hurt you the way I did, just for me to leave you alone right after. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done and I’ll never forgive myself for it. It’s just that I-”

“Rhea!” You slightly raised your voice causing Rhea to finally close her mouth. You leaned closer to her, placing a quick and gentle kiss on her lips. “You’re okay, don’t worry.” You comforted the woman, softly chuckling.

“I didn’t interrupt your night did I?” Rhea asked, slightly nervous as she scootched up closer to you. You shook your head no as a smile creeped on your face.

It didn’t take long for the two of you to end up in a heated makeout session, your hands roaming over one another's clothing. Rhea groaned your name against your lips before pulling back just a few centimeters. 

“Please let me show you how sorry I am.” She practically pleaded, her eyes full of desperation, “Yes please” you quietly giggled, your eyes adoring the woman's face. The second Rhea heard the word yes echo from your mouth her lips went straight for your neck, causing a whimper to escape from you. 

Rhea took her time as she kissed upon your neck, carefully leaving soft love bites every so often, marking the skin a flushed pink shade. Her lips only leaving your skin as she pulled off your sweater before she began peckering kisses against your collarbones.

Her hands crept behind your back, unclasping your bra and pulling it from your chest. Your fingers grazed upon Rhea’s tense shoulders as she left a path of kisses down your torso.

As Rhea’s face reached the base of your stomach, her eyes fixated on your face as if she was asking for your blessing. You gave her a nod before lifting your hips into the air, allowing her to slide your sweatpants off your legs. 

 “Rhea, please,” You whined out while Rhea’s fingers toyed with the seam of your panties. Rhea grinned to herself as she slowly shed the final layer of clothing off your body. 

The woman wasted no time connecting her mouth to your heat, causing you to let out a breathy moan. “So fucking beautiful…” Rhea praised against your skin.

Truthfully, her tongue felt like heaven as it worked its way around your wetness. Rhea didn't want to rush you. This wasn't for her, she just wanted to make sure you knew she had the ability in her to change for the better.

Your breaths picked up their pace as Rhea’s hand inched its way closer to your core. Her ring and middle finger traced a circle around the perimeter of your entrance before slowly being pushed into you.

“Shit,” You whined out, your back arching as both Rhea’s tongue and digits worked their magic on you. Although you enjoyed roughhousing with the woman, you undoubtedly appreciated the amount of care Rhea was putting into you.

You were a whimpering mess under Rhea’s touch, and she loved every small sound that escaped from your mouth.

“More! Please, I can take it!” You begged for more of her. Rhea obliged, sliding her pointer finger into your tightness causing you to roll your eyes back as her fingers filled your insides.

“That’s it baby,” Rhea preached quietly when your hips began to rock against her fingers, your moans filling the room. “Such a good girl for me.” She added on before her tongue got back to sailing over your clit, her fingers picking up their pace.

Your legs tightened around Rhea’s head as your orgasm quickly approached. “C’mon sweet girl, let go.” Rhea’s encouraging words were muffled, your walls clenched around her curling fingers. 

“Fuck Rhea!” You squealed out as the knot that filled your stomach released onto Rhea’s fingers. Your hips twitched into the air as the fingers inside of you helped you ride out your climax. 

Rhea was grinning ear-to-ear as she slowly pulled her fingers out of your hole. She groaned in pleasure, licking her fingers clean. 

She soon brought her face to meet yours, her plumped lips giving your jaw a kiss before whispering in your ear.

“How’s that for an apology, hm?”

Chapter Taglist: @babybatlover @whiteleoqueen @luvvleah @lovingperson1

[jjtheclown555]

keep in mind this is based on my practices and im using practices that many pagan, wiccan, and spiritual people do!! also ik goo is ooc at the end, im sorry but its 4am and i want soft love rn so thats what im writing😭also yes its low quality, i only spent like an hour and a half actually working on it...anyways off to bed i go bc i have an exam tmrw at 9:30am so idk why im still awake, god help me and tell my to stop typing

Goo with a spiritual girl

One of the first times you met Goo he asked about your necklace. The blue circular eye hanging off the black string. He said he had seen them before and questioned it.

"It's an evil eye, for spiritual protection." You explain. He only looks more confused though.

He hums and asks how it protects anything. "If someone comes to attack you, how does a necklace protect you?" He asks.

You chuckle, "Like I said, it's for spiritual protection." You elaborate on your original point, clarifying. "Let's say someone is jealous of you-"

"Who wouldn't be jealous of me?" He interrupts, his grin widening as you let out a sarcastic laugh.

"Hush," you say. "All the people that are most definitely jealous of you send you negative energy. The evil eye returns a look, sending that energy back to them so it can't affect your life." You continue, "Many people in turn believe that when your evil eye is lost or breaks, it means that it's done its service in protecting you, but it has absorbed too much negativity and you need to replace it to regain your protection."

He listens carefully as you explain all the ins and outs of its purpose, both in your beliefs and the beliefs of others. Goo doesn't understand much of your rambles, but it's nice to see you blather on.

His next questions happened when you had been dating awhile and moved in with him. As he watched you litter his penthouse with incense holders, crystals, and plants, he got curious again.

"Is this all for spiritual protection too?" He asks, his tone mocking on the words 'spiritual protection.' You just roll your eyes and ignore him. "C'mon, tell me!" He pleads, holding your hands between his with an exaggerated pleading face.

All you can do is sigh and explain the purpose of each thing. You tell him that each crystal has a different metaphysical effect—which he cuts off, asking if he could sell some for a pretty penny—and each type of incense can have different benefits as well.

"And the plants?" He tilts his head. "Are those spiritual or do you just like plants?"

"Both." You say, potting a fern. "I like plants but I also like having pieces of nature around me all the time."

He kisses the top of your head and holds your waist from behind. "That is adorable, princess." He sways you from side to side, asking to hear more just to watch your excited rambling (and maybe gain a little more ammo to tease you with later.)

Goo sneaks up on you while you shuffle your cards, surprising you with a soft kiss against your collar. You drop the cards, watching them scatter across the coffee table.

"Whoops!" He says, watching you pick them up. "I would help but I don't need another, 'Don't touch my witchy shit,' lecture."

You look back at him as you even out your cards. "Be respectful," you start. "And that's just my crystals and such because even unintentionally they will absorb any negativity." You place the cards onto the table with care. "What can I do for you, Goo?"

He sits next to you on the couch, eyes sparkling so much they could blind you. "I want you to give me a reading!" He says. It's less of a request and more of a command, something you hardly have time for.

You ruffle his hair affectionately to contradict you words. "I thought it was, 'witchy shit,' was it not?" He halfheartedly apologizes—not that any sense of regret was really in it. While teasing, you do enjoy seeing him take an interest in your practices. "What is your question, hun?"

He thinks, "Can I have two?" You nod. "The first one is, how will my financials be in the future? Will I be rolling in an even bigger pile of cash? I know the answer, but some confirmation would be nice."

You do the reading and it proves his point, each card describing a more luscious life than the last. So, you ask for his next question, the teensiest bit disappointed that you couldn't put him in his place just for a moment.

"What will our relationship be like a year from now?"

You look up a little shocked. It's not that you didn't know Goo loved you. It was a fact difficult to miss. But seeing him question it through your beliefs, through what matters to you instead of turning the reading into a joke, it made you soft.

You smiles a bit and reshuffle the cards, knocking on the deck three times before shuffling again and waiting as cards drop.

The first is the two of cups. The lord of love. He notices it written on the bottom and his manic smiles turns softer, seeing a small piece of happiness. Then the wheel of fortune. Lord of the forces of life. He presumes it's positive since it's upright, he's seen you do this enough times to know upright cards tended to be a good thing. The final card to appear is the lovers. He doesn't need to look at the bottom to know what that means.

You go on your spiel. Goo doesn't believe in this stuff. He doesn't think cards can tell the future. He doesn't think crystals can protect you, heal you, or attract good things. He doesn't think incense protects your home. But this. This he believes in.

He listens intently as you talk about the close bond you'll have thanks to the two of cups. He wonders what changes will come in the year from the wheel of fortune. And he believes each word about the intense spiritual bond you'll have from the lovers.

When you finish your explanation, he holds on tightly to you, not a worry in the world as he takes a moment to understand why you believe in this. He may not, but he can still see the beauty in your beliefs.

It's the moment he finally understands you. Where his teasing and joking becomes less genuine.

When he finds beauty in your view of love.

You lie back in bed, taking deep breaths in and out, focusing solely on calming each bone in your body. You reach your peace, continuing to focus and reach deeper into your mind when something large bounces on the bed, startling you out of your calmed state. Turning to look, you see Goo, smiling as per usual at your grumpy face and enjoying the way your lips form a pout at him.

He pulls you towards him, "You meditate every night and I just wanna cuddle and sleep!" He groans. You can feel the water on his bare chest from his shower just moments before. You shove him away and sit up, closing your eyes and attempting to regain your meditative state but he pulls you back. "It's late, princess! Let's sleep!"

When your head hits the pillow and you feel his arms envelope you completely, you almost instantly feel your eyes begin to get drowsy. "Fine." You mumble at him, easy into a more comfortable position. "But you're meditating with me tomorrow."

He promises he will, drifting into dreamworld without much thought and you already know he won't make due on his promise. Not that you care. Him holding you is soothing enough to make up for a lifetime of missed meditations.

It's finally that time of year. The eve of the summer solstice. You ask him if he wants to stay up with you and he agrees so you drag him to the nearest beach to sit together and watch the sunrise. You had packed everything you would need to stay out all night.

The day speeds by when you are both together. He watches you lay out offerings and enjoys the food you had spent all day making the day prior.

You both talk the whole day through. Some of it is jokes from Goo with heartwarming laughter that you return, some is discussion of what the solstice is and what it means and why you celebrate it, but most of it is meaningless banter that seems to come most often when it's just you both in each others presence.

By the end of the day though, you are completely exhausted as you lay in the sand of the beach once more. Goo doesn't allow it though. "You said this was the best part of the day, so up! I'll light the fire, c'mon, Y/N!" He takes the matchbox and lights the bonfire. Pocketing it, he reaches his hands out as you come closer so he can pull you in and begin dancing together.

"This is nice..." You say while he twirls you around. He agrees, keeping you on your feet until the sun has fully set behind you, pink and orange hues disappearing as darkness falls over you both.

Goo leans in for a kiss. It's different than most. It's soft, gentle even. He doesn't say much after, presumably tired out from the day you spent out with no sleep whatsoever. Only a few words come out while he drapes his arm over your shoulder and walks with you back to the car. "We can do this next year too." He says before his signature grin pulls his cheeks up—more genuine than most of his smiles—and a chuckle escapes him. "The cards said so."

[spideyharrington]

Leave Me Alone

summary: steve and you never got along in high school, seeing as he was a popular jock and you were a not-so-popular ‘nerd’, whom he targeted, with approximately one friend. but now you’re stuck with each other while you help the kids with this vecna shit and steve is forced to face to face with the man he used to be. if you can even call ‘King Steve’ a man.

warnings: cursing, mentions of past bullying, kinda violence but nothing like vivid, brief mention of death, arguing, yelling, past homophobia, angst, enemies to lovers ig?

A/N: i’m so sorry i still have a handful of requests to get to for other characters, but i have awful steve brainrot rn and i need to let some of it out 💀 also i’m sorry because this took an Entirely different route than i thought it was going to and idk how much i like where it went… erm i’ll try to write the one i was originally going to write soon 😭 maybe tmrw even. also i finished this at 6:30am so again i’m so sorry if this is absolute dog shit sjdjdjd

word count: 3.4k (not this being my longest one)

You started helping this group of kids try to figure out how to defeat some monster names vecna from some sort of alternate dimension, you really didn’t understand, you just kinda went with it, ever since robin very vaguely filled you in and asked for your help. You really had no idea what you agreed to, you just knew that Robin was your best friend and you could never say no to her. Ok, well maybe you would’ve said no if you knew Steve Harrington knew about this and was also helping these kids… God, you really couldn’t stand him. You didn’t hate many people. You hated the word hate in fact. But boy did you hate Steve Harrington. And that’s what made the surprise ride from Steve to get to Dustin’s house feel like it took a year.

“Are you even listening to me?” Steve threw one hand in the air and turned to look at you for a moment before turning his focus back to the road.

Shit. You really didn’t mean to drown him out, but you started spacing out due to the anxiety of being in a car alone with this asshole.

“Sorry… I spaced out for a bit.” You always apologized when people noticed you spacing out upon instinct. You waited for him to get angry at you. But it… Didn’t happen?

Instead, he looked at you with a softer expression in his eyes and asked, “you alright?”

To say this threw you off was a mad understatement, “uh… Yeah.”

His gaze stayed on the road this time, “you don’t sound too sure about that. You didn’t… hear a clock or anything did you?”

Oh. That’s why he didn’t get mad. That’s why he asked if you were ok. You immediately felt guilty for possibly making him think he was going to witness someone die in his car. You may not like the guy, but you still didn’t feel great about the possibility of making him anxious. You’re sure he’s already on edge.

Yet you still replied with a relatively bitchy tone, “no Steve, I didn’t hear a clock. I’m anxious and when i get anxious I tend to space out. It’s inconvenient. I’m fully aware. You don’t have to tell me.”

“Woah I wasn’t…” Steve was taken aback by your tone directed at him for being concerned, yet he still tried to be nice, “I get it. It’s fine, I get spacey sometimes too. I just usually try not to, or at least try to pretend I’m not.” Oh boy. That really wasn’t the right answer he was looking for.

“Are you serious right now? Do you think I can just be like ‘oh, right Steve Harrington is talking. I can’t stare off into space right now and think about the soon to be apocalypse that I suddenly have to deal with. What he’s saying is far more important!’ That’s not how anxiety works asshole.” You never get snippy with people. Usually you’re too anxious and shy to. But your blood boils so easily around him.

Steve fell silent. He knew anything else he said could just be used against him. God, why cant he just be able to say what he means without totally screwing up his wording.

You couldn’t stand the silence, so you looked through the cassettes he kept in his car. You really didn’t feel like listening to Corey Hart, The English Beat, or A Flock Of Seagulls, so you opted for the one cassette you always carried with you in your bag. You knew you could always rely on Power Corruption & Lies by New Order. So you popped it in as Steve looked at you with pure curiosity and slight confusion. As soon as the album started, you closed your eyes and listened to Age of Consent. Almost immediately calming down.

Steve couldn’t help but constantly look over at you. Your definitely looked cuter relaxed. And he couldn’t help but smile at the slight tapping of your finger to the beat of the song. His own finger subconsciously starting to tap on his steering wheel.

After only one more song, you finally arrived at Dustin’s. You basically ran in to see Robin, but not excitedly like you usually were. No, she was about to get an earful from you for not telling you about Steve.

You walked in, waved to the kids, grabbed Robin and went straight to the farthest room in the house. But not without Steve noticing and furrowing his brows. What is her deal?

“Why didn’t you tell me about Steve, Robin?! You know what I went through in high school. You know what that douchebag did to me!”

“Ok ok ok I know this seems bad but y/n-“

“No! Don’t ‘but y/n’ me! You just made me sit in a car with him for half an hour and I didn’t even get a slight warning?! I would’ve rather ridden by bike here and take an hour than sit in a car alone with someone who went by ‘King Steve’ and harassed random kids for two years.” You used air quotes when mentioning his high school name.

Robin was getting nervous now. She’s never seen you this worked up, “I’m so sorry but it was the only way to get you here without you wasting your energy and I knew you wouldn’t do it if I told you and I’m sorry for not warning you but we need you to help us and unfortunately we need that dingus too. And I know high school was absolute hell for you, and I know he definitely didn’t help, but he’s a different person now. Trust me. You know how much I hated him. But now all he does is sort dvds when he’s bored at work, and hang out around these kids and help them fight monsters.”

You shook your head and left the room, returning to the group. You looked at Steve as you entered the room and he shot you a confused look and mouthed “everything alright?”

You rolled your eyes and turned your attention to Dustin, who was going over some sort of plan to get back into the upside down to investigate further.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once the plan was finished, Steve was taking Robin home and offered you a ride as well.

“No, I’m ok. I’ll just borrow someone’s bike or something.”

“y/n it’ll take you like an hour to bike home. Just let him take you.” Robin tried convincing you softly.

When you kept declining, Steve got tired of your stubbornness and snapped a bit. Going a different route than Robin, “It’s not safe to be out at night around here. I’m taking you home so just get in the goddamn car already!” He slapped his hand into the roof of his car as he shook his head and started to get in.

You looked at robin, confused and too scared to say no again. She shrugged and got into the backseat, knowing she’d get dropped off first and it would be silly to get shot-gun.

The car ride to Robin’s was mostly silent as you just listened to a few more New Order songs. She got out of the car and whispered to you to play nice, before she waved and smiled at Steve and went inside.

“So…” Steve paused the cassette before the last song could come on as he pulled out of Robin’s driveway.

“Steve we can just drive in silence. I literally don’t mind. You don’t have to try to pretend like you wanna talk to me.” You laugh dryly.

“What gives you the impression i don’t want to talk to you?” He glances at you.

You scoff, “really Steve? Just cut the bullshit already.” You sounded so much more harsh than you even knew you were capable of.

“What bullshit? Why do you hate me so much? And why do you assume I hate you too?” He sounded more confused and slightly hurt than annoyed. Which somehow annoyed you further.

“Do you just forget the awful shit you did to people in high school?”

“I do tend to block out certain things in order for me to be able sleep at night.”

“Oh, what a relief! Steve Harrington gets to sleep at night because he clears his mind of all the terrible things he’s said and done! Who cares about the victims of his bullying when we know he still gets a good nights rest every night!” You faked enthusiasm.

Steve gripped his steering wheel and started to speed accidentally. Usually he was a good driver, even under stress or intense emotions, but people bringing up his past self was something that really got to him. In several ways.

“Ok I’m fully aware I don’t work what i mean right. But I also know you’re a fairly smart individual and you know what I mean. But this entire day you’ve been twisting my words to make me seem like the worst fucking human in the the world. I know I was a dick in high school! Trust me it still haunts me! And before you can make some snarky comeback about how the people I affected are more than likely haunted as well, I need you to realize that ‘King Steve’,” he put in air quotes, “and Family Video Steve are two completely different people.”

“People don’t change Steve.” He can feel you staring into the side of his head.

“They can. And if you don’t believe me, why can’t you just believe Robin?” He sounded less angry and more hurt again.

You tried to turn the tape back on, too tired to be arguing with him. But he blocked your hand from pressing play.

“Can you stop picking fights and then trying to just avoid the argument you caused?!” There was the anger again.

“Look, I just wanna go home. I don’t wanna keep arguing with someone who used to call me homophobic slurs.” You slouched down in your seat. Trying not to cry at the memories of being bullied for liking girls.

Steve looked at you with a look on his face that looked like he just ran over a kids new bike and had to tell them the crushing news, “y/n…”

“I don’t wanna talk about it Steve.” The tears started to come out slightly and you sat in complete silence for the last few minutes, which felt like hours. As soon as he pulled up to your house, you got out and slammed the door shut, officially starting to sob. Steve noticed. He wanted to run after you. But he knew it was probably the worst thing to do right now. So he backed out of the driveway and headed home. He mindlessly started the music back up and quickly realized it was still New Order. You never got to finish the album because he paused it. He let it play as he drove.

On a thousand islands in the sea, I see a thousand people just like me

He recognized this one. He remembered hearing you listening to it sophomore year in class. You sat in front of him and always blasted music so no one would talk to you. He can see it in his head now.

From my head to my toes, from the words in the book. I see a vision that would bring me luck. From my head to my toes, to my teeth, through my nose. You get these words wrong. You get these words wrong. Every time. You get these words wrong. I just smile.

He drove, listening to the song and thinking about how much he liked you in high school. Thinking about when he found out you liked a girl. Thinking about when you bumped into him in the hallway and he told you to watch it and angrily called you a word he can’t believe he ever even thought about saying. He knows he said it because he was upset you liked someone else and he was a selfish, egotistical asshole. He even knew you were bisexual, so using it made that much less sense. Goddamnit why was he such a piece of shit then? Is he still such a piece of shit? His thoughts completely consumed him as he drove. He went on autopilot.

For these last few days, leave me alone. But for these last few days, leave me alone. leave me alone, leave me alone.

Steve ended up driving to Robin’s subconsciously. He explained everything as he shook anxiously. This is why he tried to forget what King Steve did in high school. He couldn’t handle the guilt of it all.

“Steve, look at me. What you did was fucking awful. But this was three years ago. You’ve been through so much shit since then. You’ve gotten away from the assholes who clouded your judgment. You met those extremely smart and kind kids who you’ve essentially adopted at this point, and you met me. Your lesbian best friend. I’m pretty sure that alone shows how different you are. You are not King Steve, ok? And I’ll try to talk to y/n. I’m sure she’s still mad at me too, but I think she thinks I knew that happened, which I most certainly did not for the record.”

“You don’t have to, Robin. This is my mess. I caused it. I need to make it right somehow.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steve had to pick you up the next afternoon to meet back up with the rest of the gang. Steve was anxious as hell. You, on the other hand, had no idea he was picking you up. Which is why you were extremely confused to hear New Order blasting from outside. And so much more confused when you opened your window to see that it was coming from Steve’s car…

You ran outside, “what the fuck are you doing?!”

So that wasn’t off to a great start.

“Please get in…”

You crossed your arms and stared at him. He looked at you with the most sincere look he could. You sighed, getting into his car.

“Why did you make such an entrance?” You asked referring to him blasting New Order outside from his car in order to get your attention instead of just knocking like a normal person.

“I thought it was a nicer gesture than just knocking like a boring person.” He tried to crack as joke. He didn’t miss the faint smile that started to appear before you bit your cheek.

“After I dropped you off last night, I played this song as I left and I remembered you listening to it in english class. You sat in front of me. Always blasting music so people wouldn’t approach you. Not because you were rude and didn’t like people, but because you were too anxious to talk to most of them. Except me. You used to talk to me. Not often, but occasionally you’d ask for a pen or a piece of paper or even my notes. Which was a dumb idea, you really should’ve known I did not pay attention in that class.” He chuckled quietly before continuing, “and I completely threw away that little bit of trust you had in me because I was jealous. I said an awful thing that I will never be able to take back because I had such a big ego and i got my feelings slightly hurt when I heard you liked someone who wasn’t me. It’s the shittiest excuse ever and I’m in no way trying to make up a reason for you to forgive me. There’s no good excuse in this universe for what I did to you. And I wouldn’t blame you for not forgiving me. I couldn’t blame you if you didn’t forgive me. Even if I wanted to. But I had to try… I had to try to make up for what I did then. Instead of avoiding it.”

You noticed his hands shaking a bit. You had no idea how to respond. You felt tears welling again. You were overwhelmed.

“If this is too much, you can go back in and I’ll tell the group you don’t feel well and that you can help us tomorrow. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset you… again…” He bit his lip harshly and shook his head at himself, turning his head towards the windshield.

“No, I- I’m just trying to find the right words I think. I mean it is a lot. I’m overwhelmed I’m not gonna lie. But this is also something I needed. God, I was in love with you sophomore year Steve. That’s part of why it was so crushing when… That happened. Not only was it hurtful, but it was extremely hurtful coming from you. The one guy in Hawkins I thought might be different. Even though you were a popular jock. For fucks sake your name was King Steve… I really should’ve known better.” You laughed and he could hear your voice break.

He couldn’t just sit there and watch you cry again. He reached over and pulled you into a hug this time, “please don’t try to turn this in yourself somehow. Maybe you could see future me in past me. Maybe part of you knew I could be good, but I was too stubborn and pessimistic then to even entertain the thought.”

You hugged him back tightly and let your sob fully release.

“I’m so sorry I was so shitty. I’m so sorry I made you feel so bad for so many years. I’m so sorry for not ever telling you how much you meant to me and for essentially ignoring you for two years.”

You pulled away as your tears stopped, “It’s not alright, and I don’t forgive the person who said that to me then.“ Steve’s stomach dropped, but you continued, “but luckily you aren’t him. Luckily King Steve is dead and I’m now talking to Family Video Steve.” You quoted him and gave him a smile, which he returned.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Over the next couple of months, you had defeated vecna and become extremely close with Steve.

He picked you up to take you to his house for some sort of surprise. He lead you to his room and told you not to look until he said it was ok.

“Ok. you can look.” He said as you heard Age of Consent start playing.

You looked up, confused. Butterflies flooded your stomach as you noticed the vinyl and the string lights set up in his room, “what’s all this for?”

“Well…” He started walking towards you, “The day I had to pick you up for the first time a couple months back, you didn’t like any of my tapes, which is very hurtful by the way. I have amazing taste in music, So you decided to pull out your own album. This album. And when you closed your eyes and tapped to the beat of this song, I was immediately reminded how madly in love with you I was. Even though I, uh, really fucked that up. But I figured maybe this was my second chance…”

He walked even closer to you and you spoke, “I don’t believe in second chances Harrington,” he froze, “this is your first chance. Remember, Family Video Steve?” You grinned.

“Oh you really gotta stop doing that, y/l/n. You’re gonna give me a heart attack one of these days.” He laughed, “and stop calling me that.”

“What would you rather me call you? Nerd Steve? Demobat Killer Steve? Babysitter Steve? Mom St-“

“Alright, that’s enough outta you,” he closed the gap and quickly, yet softly kissed you. Now it was your turn to freeze for a moment before returning the kiss. This felt like a fever dream to both of you. You’ve both changed so much since sophomore year, but it was still so hard to fathom that you two were starting to become a thing.

Do you find this happens all the time? Crutual point one day becomes a crime. And I’m not the kind that likes to tell you just what I want to do. I’m not the kind that needs to tell you, oh

And the two of you kept switching between dancing and talking for the the entire rest of the album. Your favorite album which was quickly becoming Steve’s favorite album. Or maybe it had been his favorite album for some time now.

[starstruck-owie]

RvB Pets yap session

Alright so i've got a few of these down right. so this whole pet assigning thing started with me imagining sarge with a puppy, and naming that puppy warthog. ITS SO FUCKING UCTE urggg "get in the warthog" fucking dog trots over at the sound of his name "no! warthog stay! down boy." and then theres just a whole bit where hes tryna get warthog to back off or sum idk its silly. What breed of dog would this be though? See I was thinking toy poodle because while i feel like he wouldnt choose it, its cute as fuck so who gives a shit right? Bernese Mountain Dog. Think about it, I did. For a good like 10 minutes while leaving my friend on read because i was thinking so fucking hard. So we either have a toy poodle or bernese mountain dog and I cant get over it, the two are the most best guesses ive got. He walks into the shelter, donut or some1 bringing him there for wtv and he sees this tiny ass toy poodle chewing on a blue dog toy and boom, its his tactical toy poodle he has in his manly tactical purse. While bernese is like so insanely silly its great, the dog knocking sarge over in excitement and sarge trying to order him to attack grif but giving up with a nuetral grunt and saying. "maybe tmrw" or smth ITS SO FUCKING ISLLLY but also maybe beagle just trhowing that out theres would be so sfucking silly too OKAY and then after that we move on to donut right? i got this one almost immediately, parrot. no questions needed, parrot. I cant exactly see donut with parrot.

We get to grif right, Lizard. HEar me out, grif with a bearded dragon. not sure why not sure how but holy shit i fucking love it man.

Doc. See this ones a bit hrmmm not sure because it has to satisfy both doc and omalley and i for somereason think; golden retreiver. doc would have tried to suggest smaller dogs, hes likely looking for a dog ok to be like near people and maybe even like be atherapy dog and omalleys like fuck that these dogs r for pussies and then doc gets to golden retreiver and hes like, i mean sure and boom silly.

Simmons, bunny or guinea pig. feels right.

Tucker, like the legend this mother fucker is. has a snake, simmons kkeeps his distance as things have likely happened multiple times on purpose or not. chicks dig snakes. (im chicks(im a whole male))

caboose already had a pet. RIP.

Church honestly not sure with this dude, could also see him having a lizard or cat. confusing fella. OH MY GOD WAIT hedgehod im sorry it has to be done church with a hedgehog i need it.

Washington, cmon guys you see this shit coming. cat. obviously.

Now if lopez to able to have a pet, right? id like to think maybe a small dog, and he wouldnt out right look for it but he'd find it right, it would have 3 legs and probably be struggling a bit to get around and lopez would take him in and make like a little wheelchair thingy for the little dog and then they become best friends.

tex? not sure honestly, maybe she'd think having a pet is dumb? and i think carolina would just like not be into it really.

drgrey. lizard but not like bearded dragon but like maybe leopard gecko? or maybbe switch dr grey and grif? not sure im confused now but alright reptile awesome possum

Locus. Dove. Locus with a dove, hear me out. It was injured and he helped it out and now its his friend.

felix the bitch would have a snake not because they r evil or anything but felix thinks it makes him look badass, and it does.

give me more characters i want to do mor eof this NEOW

EDITT!!!

KAI TY TO WHOEVER SAID THIS honestly not sure for her hrmmm,, i feel like she'd have a parrot or a turt for some reason not exactly sure why but i do

[the-phantom-author]

she would definitely perform vampire or mix it up and surprise everyone and maybe do all american bitch from guts

guts is so ragey and mad and everything so she’s in her feelings performing then when she gets back to her seat, she’s all soft and ☺️☺️😊😊😌😌with hasan.

and if she wins?????? yall it’s over. wrap it up, it’s the clip of the night her hugging him and her manager, kissing hasan before she runs up, his eyes are sparkling because he’s got tears in his eyes (he was there when she wrote some of the songs, he got to go through the album making process with her, he knows all the emotion and anger and sadness in this album. so to see it being celebrated??? he’s melting)

she’s speechless, she’s trying to give the acceptance speech but all she can say is thank you. thank you to absolutely everyone.

tmrw on stream he’s gonna recap and she’ll come sit with him, leftover makeup still on, eye makeup smudged because she couldn’t scrub it all off, hair still slightly big after taking it down, talking about how it was cool to meet so and so, oh this part was boring, they skipped after parties because they wanted to watch the next episode of the show they’re watching

the first time they’ve been on stream together since maybeeeeee september or october when she started pulling back from him because she was so in love and just couldn’t be around anymore if they weren’t going to be together.

they don’t react to anything to serious, just highlights from the night, maybe some tiktok’s, maybe true crime, just giggling and chatting🩷🩷🩷🩷

It's the way that everytime she's on camera, it's just her being all smiley and 🥰🥰 while talking to Hasan. She's pointing the people he knows of our to him, asking him if he wants to be introduced to them.

The performance of Vampire/All American Bitch??? Unparalleled. Her best best performance yet. You can feel her all her rage and anger while she's on stage, you can feel it both in person and in video, but the moment she gets back to her seat it's a total 180°. She's all smiley while Hasan is telling her who great of a job she did. Actual heart eyes from the both of them.

And when she wins?? It so over. She had a speech kinda planned but the moment she gets on stage its a thanks to her manager a the entire rest of the time she allowed os dedicated to Hasan. "And thanks to my wonderful partner, Hasan. Who didn't know it at the time and probably doesn't know it up until now, but is the reason this album was capable of being made. Who kept me sane throughout the making of it, even when I would call at 2am becuase i needed someone to talk to. He was always there. So, thank you Hasan. For being there for me since I've known you, and I can wait to be there for you till forever. I love you. And I'm running out of time."

And he is so just discussing it tomorrow on stream. Chat wont let him not do it. But when you come on stream, like an hour after it started, eye makeup smudged, hair still big and messy, very tired, clearly having long. Just to mention that you didn't go to any after party and when straight home to watch a show with Hasan, chat is just like 👀👀👀.

At some point she goes "chat you want to see something?" And leaves frame for like ten seconds and comes back with her Grammy.

[cringefailfagcat]

i shall tell you more abt arknights <3

so ! you got all these funky lil like. kemonomimi (and some that are just full-on furries at this point ksdghds. hung my woof woof) so thats fun <3 anyway. the story involves you, a 14 year old (yes. amiya is 14.), and a cast of very funky lil dudes (gn) all going thru a world that seems to be kinda like. for lack of a better term. apocalyptic? like. cities literally have to walk around otherwise they get merk'd by giant natural disasters. also there's these funky rocks that make people get sick and slowly die (my favorite character, eyjafjalla, is partially deaf/blind due to being more infected than most operators bc she didn't seek treatment for a long time </3) so its kinda like a disease more than anything bc even if you come in contact with the funky rocks you aren't guaranteed to be infected

anyway! the game plays as a tower defense game, you have multiple classes of operators (tanks, healers, rangers, casters, guards, people who can slow enemies, people who have a short redeploy time you can just throw them around the map all willy-nilly, etc.) also don't let the name 'guard' confuse you those are guys that are basically just Stronk Melee Dudes (some do arts (the magic) damage tho) and the tanks are called defenders...... it confuses me sometimes i must admit also. gacha system. rip. arknights is a lil Mean in terms of currency so u definitely wanna save if u can. pull on the beginner banner twice tho once you start it'll help ya immensely <3

anyway ! there's like. a fuckton of characters. some of them are kinda niche, some of them took the meta and exploded it (eyjafjalla eyjalter and exusiai im looking at you), and a lot are just general all-rounders <3

anyway stan eyjafjalla the only sheepie you'll need (if you ever get her she's a 6* and i just got lucky </3)

ooooohh that sounds cool I'll download it and give a spin tmrw methinks o7 idk how long I'll survive on it but sounds good fun hehe :3

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

hey ari!!! hope ur doing super well <33 i dropped by to ask u a few things…….

let me know whenever u find the time to read my gojo fic… i made a few revisions over time and i’d rlly love to hear ur thoughts o valued gojo lover ;; its become very important to me , but no pressure :33

AND. need ur most brainrotting thoughts about sashishu por favor. for. research. yeah… research 🙇‍♂️

riko !!!! i hope ur doing super super well urself, im doing just fine <33 trying to finish this fic im writing so i can (hopefully) post it today pshjdh BUT its going good so far !!

i know i alr said it but !! i am so so excited to read ur gojo fic !! if i dont have time today then i will tmrw 🙏🙏 cant wait to rb it w a huge rant i took a lil peek at it n i can already tell its gonna be so good….

AND RIKO. tysm i appreciate u like no other, ive been waiting for a chance to rant abt my Absolute Beloveds……… this might get long im sorry but sashisu make me. genuinely insane

OK SO. just generally speaking…… to me, the biggest sashisu appeal is just. how grounded they are. to me. i feel like both jjk trios are very realistic but in different ways!!

like. the 2018 trio are just !! good friends and they care for each other and they have fun together. AND most importantly; they can be open w each other !! like all three of them are a lillll closed off and obviously traumatized but they can still be sincere with one another. yuji talks openly w both megumi and nobara, megumi’s whole arc revolves around him getting comfortable with the idea of leaning on others and being saved by others, and nobara’s whole character hinges on her just being unabashedly herself.

AND I LOVE THEM i really do but sashisu r just so….. different and also similar and they feel so real to me even though theyre all insane in the head.

because contrary to the 2018 trio, theyre all sort of. Cunts pshjdhd. LIKE. high school satoru is a brat and he thinks he can make friends by being a bully and hes kind despite that but hes also sooo infuriating, and suguru acts like hes better but hes rly not. theyre both assholes. same w shoko!! shes literally out here casually underage smoking and all three of them get in trouble n then blame it on each other n its just…. theyre just so fun. they bully each other but u can TELL theres love there.

and the greatest difference between the 2018 and 2006trio is that the former can be open with each other, but the latter cant. sashisu are doomed as a trio because theyre all so closed off and traumatized and repressed and they will never be as sincere with each other as yuji/megumi/nobara are.

and to me, thats the main reason why suguru defects !! not that its their fault, but the fact that they didnt notice — or maybe the fact that they DID notice but didnt know how to broach the subject — is the one factor that makes his defection almost unavoidable to me. because his best friends, his most loved people, were never the type to be vulnerable like that. and neither was he !!

theyre just so DOOMED riko….. suguru couldnt open his heart to satoru or shoko, satoru didnt notice suguru’s silence bc he was too busy making himself strong enough to protect them, and we dont know how shoko felt but she obviously didnt do anything even if she did notice smth was off. neither of them saw how much suguru was suffering, and suguru was extremely depressed and isolated and never once gave them the chance to help him.

the three of them just werent the type to have heartfelt conversations in the same way the other trio does, and i think sashisu just… figured they didnt need to. that they had that bond together and that it would always be enough. bc all three of them have these incredible powers that make them isolated and kind of miserable, but they were able to be kids only when they were together. during that one year, they got to feel that slice of normalcy and genuine friendship.

and then they lost it !! and shoko and satoru both regret it !!! and they were never able to hate suguru, and he was never able to hate them, even at the very end !!! and the thing that always breaks me is that its just so, so evident that they all loved each other. but it wasnt enough !! and i think thats such a …. grounded and real depiction of how it can be to love someone who’s ill, or traumatized, while you yourself are ill or traumatized. and you might love each other, and it might still not be enough. but the fact that the love was there still matters.

they were three child soldiers who only found comfort in each other, and they all crumbled under the weight of the world but even at the very end they still loved each other.

and for sashisu, that love never disappeared — both shoko and satoru became more responsible after suguru left, and together theyre able to protect so many of the students and their coworkers. and theyre still traumatized and arguably even MORE repressed but the two of them still stick together, and theres a comfort in knowing theyll always have that. (im ignoring the current manga arc its not canon to me idc)

THIS IS ALREADY SO LOONNGG i just. i ADORE them. theyre so good. but !! if we’re moving past just general analysis of them then !! i love to think abt…. sashisu x reader……. maybe one day ill finish my sss x reader series psjdjdj but !!!

i just think itd be such a fun n comfortable dynamic ?? bc they all complete each other in a way…. satoru is just kinda hyper n cuddly n sweet, n suguru is calm and teasing n warm…. and shoko is so chill but also so caring and . i Need them. all of them r so gorgeous i would fall to my knees and cry if i just saw them relaxing by the couch.

i feel like a reader dynamic w them would just be the four of u living together and spending the rest of ur lives doing the same things u did in high school….. going to karaoke n getting in trouble and eating food . etc etc. maybe getting a couple cats…. and a bunch of plants that would all die if it werent for suguru pshjdjs.

in conclusion they make me feel ill <3

(also riko…. pls read the pink lighter by nosferatui, its a sashisu fix-it time travel fic and its one of my favorites ever !! i still havent finished it but its complete and it genuinely changed my life the writing is so good it hurts)

[foster-the-world]

Aw, man

Last night the district wide school board meeting turned into a debate about Israel. With some claiming the DOE is not doing "enough." Apparently enough means they haven't yet written a email condemning the kidnappings in Israel? With claims they would have already sent a letter if it was black people. I guess the district is waiting on a legal team to approve language. So it should go out today or tmrw. Not good enough for these people. I don't get it. The DOE did send a letter condemning racism and it doesn't do shit to protect my kids. We are still in the most segregated school system in the nation. I am 100% confident the man claiming they "would have already done it if it was black people." made sure his children were in the majority white schools. The anti-racism letter didn't change his desire to segregate his children so why would a anti-semitism letter help jewish students? Writing a letter condemning the kidnappings in Israel is not going to protect my kids one bit nor help the children who were kidnapped. Our district has migrant children pouring in every single week. Let's talk about how we can support them. Letter or no letter I do not care.

I left that meeting to go to our schools PTA meeting. We did spend a good amount of time talking about how we can help the new migrant children who started at our school last week. Apparently 1000 more children entered the district on Friday - set to start next week. My 2nd graders class got three more students last week. Rebel's 1st grade class got two more students. We've been working on our Spanish at home and making sure the girls include them. I'm so glad we are at a school where we teach the kids to welcome their new friends. I have no doubt the uniform, clothing, coat drive will be fully funded - even though we have a school full of low income parents who aren't exactly rolling in the dough.

This morning I'm talking to the Principal about the clothing/Halloween costume drive when she gets a text message and looks horrified. Apparently a lower grade kid told their teacher they can't be around them because they are Jewish and their Mom told them Jewish people are dangerous. So fucked up. Poor baby being taught that hate and poor teacher having to hear it from a student she pours her hard work into.

I'm not really worried about my girls hearing shitty things. As mentioned they are tough and can handle themselves. The toughness does mean they can be jerks but also means they wouldn't hesitate to fight back if someone says shit like that to them. People have said other shitty things to them and they returned with the 6yo version of "go fuck yourself" and were indignant more then hurt. *Obviously they didn't use the f word. They have a solid group of friends in their class who would know to defend them. Although we are going to have a talk about what to say if someone talks negatively about Juduism or if they hear someone say anything racist/prejudice/etc to themselves or any of their friends. We've had the general talk before but probably need to be more specific on the Jewish side of things. Every year my husband and I bring Hanukkah celebration stuff to their class. Everyone is always very receptive. Last year Bee's teacher was Jewish. They've generally had at least one jewish family in their class - although that dwindles in the older grades. We live two doors down from the JCC - so they go to classes there so do get to spend time around Jewish children regardless. This semester they are taking an art class there and we go to the shabbat dinners sometime.

Bee has a Ukrainian girl in her class - well her grandparents are from Ukraine. So Bee came home last year talking about how people are murdering babies "as soon as they come out" in the Ukrainian war. Now this year her little friend is from Israel - so she comes home with more horror stories he hears from home and interprets into six year old language. The world we are giving our children is not okay.

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

It’s been quite the week. Just In here to process real quick.

M got fired yesterday for the most bullshit reason. I can’t go into detail here because of possible legal stuff but my heart is broken for him. He was so happy when he was hired by this company and I was so fucking proud of him. He had moved up in rank/title In his field and his boss trusted him. He did really well building rapport with his employees and completing his tasks. For the first month it was great! Then in October things were a little rough, but he was still loving the job so it wasn’t even a big deal. By November, red flags were popping up all over the place and we didn’t understand why (still don’t!)

He gave so much to this job, sacrificed so much, worked so much OT and crazy hours with no sleep between shifts and answered calls all hours of the day, but he loved what he was doing.

It’s when he started setting boundaries in November that things changed. When they started taking advantage and putting off any pay raise discussions despite expanding his territory and taking over another role. He was doing the work of two people and patiently waiting for the Big Boss to come into town to discuss the raise.

Instead, he got written up at that mid-November meeting for a bullshit reason, given zero guidance on how to improve moving forward, and not given a chance to discuss pay. It rapidly went down hill after this.

Some other incidents happened beyond his control and he asked point blank what was going on. The shift in the relationship with his boss and HR was palpable and no one was telling him anything. Three days later, he was being threatened police intervention for something they never communicated and fired.

Somehow, they liked him enough to hire him, trusted him enough to expand his territory, and turned around and treated him like a fucking criminal.

When I tell you that yesterday was stressful, I have never been so worried. Was it an empty threat? Maybe? Probably? But not out of the realm of possibility for what ended up being a shady AF company. But something like this could have completely wrecked his ability to continue working in this field.

I’m just so shocked and disappointed with how all this went down. Days before his birthday, weeks before Christmas.

We are grateful to be living with friends at the moment, but my job isn’t enough to pay the bills. His job was and then a little extra. It gave me the opportunity to do What I’m doing now and I may have to close that door depending on what happens next.

I am booked into January and am hoping I won’t need to cancel my pet sits and walks.

I need to sit down tmrw and figure out where we stand financially. Because the social work field isn’t paying the bills either. It’s contract work and in some cases, it would have costed me MORE to work than to not work.

In this moment, im Feeling so defeated. We were both thriving and M got the rug ripped out from under his feet and I accidentally fell back into a passion I forgot I had with the hopes of becoming my own business instead of an app contract worker. I’m a superstitious person, so I’ll just say i had no doubts of being able to move into the next phase in 2024. But the reality is that right now, it doesn’t bring in enough income.

I’m at the point where I am specializing in high energy and anxious breeds where I wouldn’t be able to be gone a full work day and also be the pet sitter. And I’m not a stubborn mule who’s going to fall behind on bills to hang onto a dream.

It worked when M was being paid. This was supposed to be a long term job that he loved.

We saw it coming and were starting to prepare, but we didn’t think it would happen this fast. Not in a 3 day time span.

My body is tired. My brain is tired. I’m hustling hard and don’t have the time to pause and truly figure it out. I have 3 days off this month. Thankfully next week I just have a constant care day sit with a fairly easy anxious German Shepard and I think I should get some time to make a game plan.

I’m coming from a vey draining sit with a high energy husky (literally ended the sit and walked into the chaos of M being fired.) Today was back to back meet and greets between the legal stuff we’re figuring out. Tomorrow-Sunday I’m with four dogs, one of which is a puppy and then Monday I’m doing dog walks.

I love the pet hustle, don’t get me wrong and I’m so thankful I don’t have a gap in my own income, But I wish I had some time between these sits to just stop moving for a brief moment without giving up time I need to be sleeping.

However, we can’t see the future and never expected this to happen the way it did in the timing it did. Everything felt so solid and reliable.

Trying to rest in the reassurance that none of this is surprising to God and that there have been other things going on in the background that feel intentionally placed when we zoom out.

Anyway, I should get some sleep because I have an early morning with four adorable pups who love to cuddle and I will be soaking up all that love (between puppy training and potty breaks 😅) while I try to figure out where we go from here.

[summertimeskinney]

lol just ranting

anyone else at the point where they are just maintaining even tho they arent even close to their ugw? bc im 130 rn and maintaining it but my ugw is at least 74/75 but im just at the point where im not always completely disgusted by my body because im looking at it more subjectively and i dont think i would look good skin and bone.. honestly i dont even know why im doing this anymore. Like i dont even remember why i started doing this in the first place. my hw was like 150-160 and the only reason i became aware of my weight was because authority figures in my life were pointing it out (according to my bmi i was only slightly overweight) I started losing weight rapidly in freshman year because i discovered proana and found a community of people who were in the same situation. and i was praised.. by everyone? i was starving, then i was binge/purging. how did i even end up like this? i mean ive never really had the best relationship with food but i was only overeating a bit. now i eat until i feel so sick that i puke or am in physical pain. i can make myself throw up on demand now? ive gone literal days without eating anything. like nothing at all besides diet soda, sugar free monster, and water. im at the point where my brain is in a constant battle between the decision to binge or starve. i'll just be minding my business than my brain will be like "if you were 80lbs it wouldn't be this way" or "you're so fat, it wouldn't even be hard to be 100lbs or less. like. what are you doing? why are you so heavy and gross?" it won't stop. and instead of starving like i used to i just binge, like all day. and i dont purge either.. i don't even know whats going on anymore. im not depressed like i used to be, but i can't get the thoughts out of my head. i guess you really are in it forever? i never really believed all the warning posts about how bad eds are and how you can never go back, or maybe i just ignored them. i cant even fathom what i really look like. i have body dysmorphia in all the ways. not only do i think that despite being 5' tall and 130 lbs i would fit into anything bigger than a small. i feel gross, but ik that when i go to the doctor she's going to say that i need to lose more weight because im 2 lbs from being in a normal bmi rage. despite my titties literally weighing almost 10lbs. but then i already have troubles fitting into clothes, most places don't carry more than a small or xs in person and almost never go over a small online. i am already an xs - small as an "overweight" person. I cant imagine how hard it would be to find clothes that actually fit me at 75 lbs soaking wet. i saw a video by jesse page today talking about how she always thought that to be a princess she had to be as delicate as possible and never take up space, but then how after gaining weight she fit her princess dresses better and relearned how to feel beautiful. i want to be a delicate little doll that you could toss around and never took up a whole seat. a pretty little doll that you had to be extra careful with because you didn't want me to break. ik its not good to feel this way but i can't change the temptation to forever be empty, live off candy and diet coke, and never eat real food again. to be more of an object than a human being. but then the logical side of my brain pipes in and is like hi, i dont care what i weigh but i want to have a strong healthy body with some good biceps. i dont know how to help myself or be normal.

anyways

im fasting n laxing tmrw bc i need a cleanse. lol bye

[adoremediary]

first day back in my dorm before school starts back up! winter break was so so ... its great to see the fam and the dog but, and im about to play the worlds tiniest violin, not having a room was helll! just not having a personalized, designated space for myself to decompress, to be alone, to have privacy to call boyfie (& not being able to smoke openly wah wah), was not fun at all and definitely started to wear on me and it was definitely obvious that that was happening! so i feel bad now that im back in my dorm because i got just what i wanted and i feel like a little girl who threw a tantrum. its not like i was walking around moping and complaining, i kept most of my discomfort and dissatisfaction to myself , but if im upset you're gonna know its just the way my face is. anywho its really not that big of a deal. but my aunt just came back from washington two days ago and my grandmas bday is tmrw so i feel bad for leaving but i cant really do much about that i have to go to school. its so weird being back in a way because ive been longing to be back for the past few weeks and now im here and its like okay now what ..? i feel like i really got tunnel vision i was just thinking "x days until i leave" instead of "x days until class starts". and my roomie isnt back yet and boyfies back in maryland so im like in limbo it feels like. im excited to see roomie but its also so heartbreaking because the "distance" between us is increasing and becoming visible for me, when i would just ignore it before. im manufacturing it i know at least somewhat but its so clear they love eachother so much more than either of them care for me. and that in itself is fine i mean what are you gonna do but why and how and when did three become two? a doesnt want me around ill say it here. the difference in our birthday posts was for some reason such an eye opener, i feel like it really shouldnt be but i cant help but magnify any perceived slight. im a private story and spam account bday post friend to everyone but i posted everyone on my main with a cute song and everything like its the thought and care behind the action. but its also literally like girl who even cares. but the way she is always posting about her "bestfriend" like hello im here too? or so i thought? like she doesnt tell me anything anymore ignores me in the groupchat. and now roomie is too so another one bites the dust i felt like she was my only grounding person but i just dont trust her the same. i dont trust anyone the same and its starting to scare me. i just work off the assumption everyones lying, no one has my best interest like i have theirs. i cant even turn to boyfie anymore i know im lying to myself and hes even said before his best friend comes first. and im not mad or upset about it. i just dont like when i share these insecurities with him hes so quick to "you have me" but i dont and i know it and he has to know it too. i just miss feeling loved. truly knowing that i have people in my corner. i tell myself i do when i need it but in the back of my mind i know im lying to myself. or at least i i tell myself i am. i have to invalidate every thought i have to doubt to second guess to "well xyz" but yeah its whatever but also not