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cuteandtwisted · 5 years

Note

Hey, wiss, is there anything you can share avout the next bfyt chapter??? I miss them 💛😭

(heii 💛 here’s a snippet of these 2 idiots)

It’s almost time. They have an hour at most. Isak can tell because the sunlight is cutting through the floating shelf holding the most valuable thing in this room: his collection of pre-socratic classics.

He feels Even shift behind him then – his weight alone filling Isak with both comfort and dread – as though he’s heard Isak’s thought and taken offense in it. His arms curl around Isak’s stomach and hold him tighter, his breath gets even closer.

Even is spooning him. They’re in Isak’s new bed and it’s past noon. It’s almost time for Even to leave.

Fine. Maybe second most valuable.

The inane thought makes Isak curl around himself further, the fluttering taking over his insides and turning him into incomprehensible mush, a jumble of contradicting emotions and embarrassing sounds he refuses to let out (so they just erupt inwards instead, setting butterflies inside of him.)

It’s embarrassing. Lying like this in his own bed with his back turned to Even because he can’t bear to look at him after what they did, after what they’ve spent two days doing, holed up in his new apartment like junkies whose drug of choice just so happens to be one another.

My drug of choice.

Isak shuts his eyes tighter. It’s almost time. Even is leaving soon to catch his train back to Oslo and Isak can’t bring himself to wake up and face him. He can’t bring himself to look into Even’s eyes after all that and walk him to the train station. He doesn’t want to. So he lies there and hopes Even will tire of waiting for him to come to and just pack up and leave. Isak just plays dead.

“I miss you already,” Even says into his shoulder blade.

Isak’s chest feels tighter. And it’s embarrassing how much it physically hurts, how fast his heart beats, how twisted his insides feel. It’s embarrassing how he can’t bear thinking of lying in this same bed alone after Even leaves, how he wishes he could bottle Even’s scent and spray it all over his bedsheets to make this feeling last longer, this insane feeling of comfort, and ease, and warmth, and belonging.

Play dead. Just play dead.

Even doesn’t seem to buy into Isak’s act, but he doesn’t seem offended by his little performance either. It’s as though he’s learned to decode Isak’s antithetical actions and built a compiler to parse through his language and attach true meaning to his doings. It’s as though, somewhere along the way, Even has learned that when Isak turns his back to him and pretends to be asleep, it’s because he’s feeling too vulnerable and raw to do anything but.

Isak keeps his eyes closed and focuses on controlling his breathing and inhaling deep and slow.

Even’s lips brush against the skin on his neck then, right behind his ear and beside his jaw, right where Isak feels the most. Even doesn’t suck or bite or lick or attempt to channel any of the messiness they’ve been indulging these past couple of days. He just slowly kisses his neck with his full lips, his full plump lips that leave Isak’s head spinning for days at a time from memory alone. It takes everything not to moan right then and there.

Even kisses his neck again, this time tightening his grip around his waist, spooning him closer to his chest, the roughness and despair of his hold contrasting with the softness of his kisses – mere little pecks, slow and unrelenting, wet and agonizing. It all drives Isak into a frenzy, the slowness, the tenderness, the gentleness, making his toes curl, his back arch, his lips part He’s flushed all over. He knows he is. His ears are probably red.

“I know you’re awake,” Even whispers right below his ear, before kissing the skin there, again and again.

No shit. Isak wants to reply. His breathing is hurried and ragged and he’s writhing in Even’s arms. Of course he’s awake. But his stubbornness won’t let him give in. He’s given in and up plenty these past couple of days. If Even needs a visual and verbal reminder of how much power he has over Isak, he can just revisit his own memories. Surely, he must remember how embarrassing Isak acted last night. Surely, he must remember what Isak said to him before leaving for Trondheim, the night they stood and stared at the moon and both lost their minds.

“You’re shaking,” Even says and Isak whimpers in his head. It’s true. He’s shaking.

After two days of being lost in each other, Even kissing his neck still makes him tremble.

What was the word that Even used again? Insatiable. Isak is insatiable, as though his body has decided to make up for lost time and indulge every single touch it can get. His body has a mind of its own, and it’s starting to react to Even’s kisses with more than just tremors.

Even notices.

“Want me to-”

“No!” Isak finally mouths.

No, he doesn’t want Even to put his hands on him. Not right now. It’s absurd but he doesn’t want to sully this. It’s too pure. He wants to keep this way.

“Okay,” Even says, not even reacting to the fact that Isak has given in and stopped pretending to be asleep.

He doesn’t even make fun of him for shaking like some over-sensitive thirteen year old. He just resumes kissing him and holding him.

Even holds him until he stops shaking.

“I have to go,” Even says from the edge of the bed. He’s sitting up, putting on what Isak guesses are socks.

“Okay.”

“My train is in an hour.”

“Well, then go,” Isak replies, his back still turned.

It feels cruel given the happiness that Even brought him this blissful weekend. It feels cruel but he can’t help it. He doesn’t trust himself not to say those stupid meaningless words again.

“You’re not coming?” Even sounds hurt, but only a little. What’s the saying? Disappointed but not surprised.

“Unless you need directions, I don’t see why I should.”

Fuck you, Isak. Just fuck you.

“Okay,” Even mumbles after a long pause. “As you like.”

But it doesn’t sound passive aggressive. Even just resigns to it like he doesn’t have the mental or emotional bandwidth to get Isak to budge.

“Cool.”

“Yeah. I’m just gonna get ready then.”

Isak hates the way the mattress feels under him when Even gets on his feet. He absolutely hates it. He feels sick thinking about how empty he’s going to feel when Even leaves. He feels sick.

“Even, wait.” He hears himself say, finally leaving his fetal position behind and half-sitting on his stupid bed.

“Yes?” Even turns around immediately, his blue eyes shining with something one might call hope. It takes Isak’s breath away and only leaves him with one stupid thought roaming his paused brain.

Definitely him. The most valuable thing in my room is him.

“Uh, just make sure to get the safety lock before you leave so that the door locks behind you.”

Fuck you, Isak. Fuck you.

Even’s eyes lose the sparkle.

“Okay.”

Even doesn’t leave right away. Isak can hear him walking around his miserable apartment. He hears him take a shower, fantasizing about how it would feel to be with him in there. He hears random shuffling that he assumes is Even packing. He hears the water running in the kitchen, the toilet flushing, light footsteps turning into louder ones signaling that Even has put on his shoes. Isak just lies there in his bed and listens with his heart thudding in his chest, hoping he won’t regret this too much.

“Okay, I’m off,” he hears Even say in the distance, probably by the front door.

Isak doesn’t respond.

The door unlocks a moment later, and then it closes not too long after that.

The silence is crushing.

He nearly trips over his own feet trying to leave his bed, his legs still wobbly from all the kissing and activities from the night before. For a moment, he thinks he’ll find Even by the door still, that he only pretended to close the door behind himself to get Isak to finally come out of his room. But Even is no longer there.

His scent lingers.

Isak walks to the kitchen and realizes dumbly that Even did his dishes.

Who does this? Isak dismisses him in the harshest of ways and Even goes and does his dishes. ‘What the fuck is wrong with you?’ Isak is suddenly angry.

But he’s not really. How could he be? He spots a note sitting atop folded laundry on the dining table.

It takes him a second to realize that’s not laundry. Those are four of Even’s shirts. The ones Isak used to steal all the time. Even left them on his kitchen table.

`i stole some of urs during ur sleeping beauty act. thought u’d want some of mine (in case u miss the chemicals or whatever)’

`C43H64N12O12S2 u :)`

Isak looks at the chemical formula and his heart begins to hammer in his chest again. He doesn’t know what to focus on, the fact that Even got the formula for oxytocin wrong or that this cryptic message is some sort of declaration. Oxytocin, the “love chemical”.

It makes his throat tighten. Even has been nothing but lovely all weekend and Isak can’t get over the fact that he might have said some embarrassing things during sex again. What an idiot.

Isak leaves his apartment with shoes but not socks. He sprints down the stairs and runs in the direction of the train station in shorts and one of Even’s shirts.

He doesn’t really have a plan. He just runs. He shuts his brain off and runs.

“What exactly are you doing?” Even asks, but he doesn’t look too surprised. He’s smiling and carrying his enormous backpack over one shoulder.

Isak will never understand why he won’t put on both straps. ‘It’s just cooler this way’ ‘are you twelve’ ‘a twelve year old wouldn’t do what I just did to you an hour ago’ ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’ laughter, fake outrage, happiness, home.

Isak feels sick. He hunches over to hold his knees. He’s flushed and out of breath.

“Did you leave your phone charger in my bag?” Even asks, amused and smug. “Is that why you ran all the way here after being in a coma all morning?”

“Fuck you,” Isak mutters, still out of breath, but it’s playful.

“You did already. Twice, if I remember correctly.”

Isak groans, feeling suddenly shy and dizzy. He looks up and finds Even beaming at him. He looks away, suddenly questioning running all the way here.

“Do you have something to pick up near the train station? You mentioned a book you really need to buy. I saw a bookstore on the way.”

Even. Sweet, wonderful Even, who finds him excuses for tagging along, to make this less painful and embarrassing.

“Yeah,” Isak takes the stupid bait. “Yeah, I need to get that book.”

“Cool. You can walk with me then.”

“Yeah.”

They walk, Isak in his sleeping outfit, mortified and flushed from ear to ear, and Even smiling brighter than the sun by his side.

“You shouldn’t have done my dishes.” Isak remembers.

“You did mine when I was feeling like shit. You cleaned and did laundry too.”

“It’s not the same thing.”

“It is, though,” says Even. “Plus, I used most of those things trying to make us something to eat last night. So it’s no big deal. It’s just dishes.”

Isak feels like a sullen child that’s just gotten chastised. He doesn’t know what to say. So he doesn’t say anything.

They walk, the two of them, Isak and Even roaming the streets of Trondheim. Isak knows that from now on, the city will be divided into two: streets he walked through with Even and streets he didn’t.

He looks at Even and finds him smiling, content. He hopes he feels this way all the time. When they take a random turn left, Isak realizes that either Even is planning on missing his train or it’s departing a bit later than what he let on.

“My train is in an hour. I lied,” Even confesses like he’s read Isak’s thoughts.

“Why?”

“Thought you might chase after me,” he says with a smile. Isak blushes and frowns.

“I did not chase after you.”

“You just ran in your underwear. I know.” Even laughs and Isak doesn’t have the heart to resent him.

He did run after him in his underwear. It’s true.

“Whatever.” He huffs.

They meander through the streets side by side, until Even reaches for his hand and clasps it in his own, making Isak gasp out loud.

No one knows who we are here. It’s okay.

“My shoulder hurts a bit because of my bag.” Even clears his throat, looking ahead as if addressing someone else. “If you hold my arm, it could restore the, uh, the balance.”

Isak would snort out loud if he wasn’t smoldering inside from the hand-holding.

“The balance,” Isak echoes.

“Yeah, you know. Like gravity. Like if I have two things pulling both my shoulders down, it’s better. Hurts less,” Even blabbers.

It’s almost endearing.

“Gravity,” Isak repeats again.

“I mean you know.” Even is blushing. It’s quite a sight. It makes Isak smile.

Or you could just put on both straps, you know.

Isak doesn’t say anything. And after they cross the next street, he links their fingers together, looking away when Even gasps.

“For gravity,” Isak says. “You know.”

“For gravity,” Even repeats.

“Yeah, for your shoulder.”

Isak cracks a smile as he says it, because they’re both idiots.

“We’re so fucking annoying,” Even laments out loud, breaking character a little. He’s smiling too.

“Talk about yourself.”

Isak isn’t sure who kisses the other first. They both move in unison, as though cued in. It feels like coming home.

It must be quite a sight. Isak and Even kissing in the middle of the street. Even throwing his bag on the floor so he can wrap his arms around Isak’s back. Isak smiling into the goddamn kiss in his boxers with his fingers in Even’s hair in the middle of the day.

For gravity.

Isak has a million things to say, a million questions to ask. Am I gonna see you again? I hate that we never talk. This weekend made me happier than I’ve been in months. Is Sonja still a thing? Did you only come visit because you knew I would fucking break and cry the moment you touch me? Did you come visit because you had to feed this weird bond we have? Why did you come? Did you mean what you said in your note? Did you mess up the formula for Oxytocin on purpose? Why didn’t you say anything back the night I said those words? Why didn’t you run after me in your underwear? Why-

Even pecks him one more time.

“See you soon, Isak.”

“See you.”

Isak spends his nights in Even’s shirts.

yearning.

#bfyt #anon #isak x even #skam fic #i've been reading so much lately and it usually makes me want to write so badly so here u go #it's june so of course i miss them so much i just #skam #<333

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dual-aesthetics · 5 years

Text

So I'm going to beg my aunt in law to let me stay at her house instead of having to stay with this freak. I keep on crying and panicking just being in the same house as him. I start shaking out of nowhere because I know he would kill me with zero hesitation if he ever found out I'm trans, And that if I said anything about the abuse he's out us though he'd either try to kill us, or to brainwash us, or just beat the shit out of us, or do what he used to do to us again and I would rather die then that. If I try to stay with my aunt in law her sister is gonna get pissed at me again cause she only wants me to ask for help from her but she doesn't give me shit besides punishment. I dissociate so bad when he is here everytime and then he leaves for a week and I don't habe any time to heal ftom anything. My mother in law will be mad at me for school but I don't feel safe or that I'll even live the next day at this point so idk what she wants from me. Sometimes I just breakdown in front of the other kids, not often, but I feel very bad about it. I'm constantly looking for a way out where there isn't one. And I'm not going to kill myself but I really really can't live like this for this long without having a psychotic break or something. I'm on survival mode 24/7 And it's ruining my life and sanity. I have less than one and a half semester of school then I don't even have to stay here for months at least. So I have to figure out if I can hold out that long, or if it would even be worth hanging on that long with how things have been going. My grades are always in flux because I'm too scared to focus so often, but I'm only a few semesters away from finishing this year, but I could probably fail it anyways with how I'm going and if it gets worse. I doubt my aunt in law could drive and pick me up every day that he's here but she would if she could. Idk what would happen if I told Darcy's grandmother what his dad did and if that would help at All, because even though she would talk to her daughter, she'd probably tell her that I'm a crazy liar. Darcy's mother doesn't take me serious because despite everything when it comes from a willfull viewing of me as an okay mentally person one could see that from me, even though it's very not true and I am barely holding it together. If I ran away I think I'd just get into more trouble then be seen as in need of help. And I really don't want to physically harm myself as proff that I'm not okay for many obvious reasons. I have begged and begged and repeated that living here both makes me want to kill myself and that I feel unsafe and that I could get killed at any second and that hasn't got me nothing besides being thrown to a consulor. I even told her to ask me questions avout anything and she's ignored me like she ignores my problems. All my irl friends' moms know my host's one so it's useless to try to hide at their places. I can't see any other plan then just refusing to leave Dar's aunt's house. It's really both the safest option. Idk what it would accomplish long-term tho. Darcy's mom could either see that I'm serious about this shit, or think that I'm so delusional that she locks me up or cuts off my outside communication and I can't do either of those. I could beg Darcy's aunt to work as a middle man but she listens too much to her sister, but if I say that I can't take it here anymore maybe she would sympathize with me and ignore her. I don't know if that's the right option but I have to do something. I really really can't live here anymore

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