#i need to set up an appt to finally get my wisdom teeth out

[leafywillow]

Got a filling today and now the whole right side of my mouth is numb oof. I just keep poking my cheek with my tongue bc it feels so weird lolol

[keepingthehopealive]

Non therapy related updates

-i finally went to the dentist because I had a tooth break, and turns out I need a lot of dental work done and I feel so shameful and disgusting that I haven't done a good job taking care of myself in this area (or any really). I feel so much shame. Definitely cried a lot at the appt...more shame. Also definitely need my wisdom teeth out, which I had just assumed I didn't have them...oops. this is why you shouldn't avoid the dentist for years. Learn from me.

-my sister is struggling with a lot of stuff and then my mom is using me to process it all and it's a lot #noboundaries.

-no one really knows how bad things are, and the one person who kind of did was one of my best friends "A" who is also my boss and she set a boundary about it (not related to her being my boss, more just as a friend and how its hard for her) which I respect and completely understand, but was also really painful because it reinforced that belief that I am too much and need to not put this on others. Then she texted me today and asked if we were still friends and seemed to want to pull me closer and make sure I know she loves and cares about me, yet now I feel like I have to push her away.. its all just so...confusing and painful. My psych is encouraging me to open up more. I'm stuck in a lot of OCD-ish, intrusive thought spirals, which adds to the already raging urges and thoughts. Im exhausted. Having a lot of panic attacks, and struggling to stay on top of things.

-my job is still my "good and OK" thing. Even though I also really struggle with my emotions there, it's not really about the work, and I am enjoying it still and sew myself staying there for a while. I know I need to actively work to not push A away because she is a good good friend and I want to keep her around and let her in without it being too much. I really love and care about her and I didn't really have that at my last job, so it's nice. Working with kids of all ages has been fun, especially the babies (they are my favorite) . The doctors are awesome, mostly, and I enjoy it. Sometimes even feel capable, not confident by any means, but its nice to feel like a part of a great team.

I should be able to get a new foster soon and my roomate expressed wanting to help more with them during the day which helps with some of the stress of leaving a dog all day while I work and the associated guilt with that.

Seeing a family member tomorrow (we are both vaccinated now so it feels *safe-ish*) and I really hope the connection will help too. Even if I don't open up (I may try to).