#i offer to stay late bc i didnt get to finish the work i was assigned and they have to tell me no leave and clock out you cannot stay

[sxfik]

I have an idea!

Ok so we all know that Hanseo is abused by his big brother, and if i remember correctly, the jipuragi trio found out about it from the guillotine file for the first time.

Now hear me out, what if the jipuragi trio found out about the abuse from Hanseo himself, not from the guillotine file??

After failing to burn down geumga plaza, Hanseok threw that object at Hanseo, telling him not to dodge it, and it left a scar on his forehead. When Hanseo visited jipuragi, he seemed proud of that scar, right?? Because thats what he got from saving geumga plaza, and he hoped that the scar would show them that he wants to be on their side.

BUT lets forget about all those stuff for a moment.

Hanseok loves to strangle, threaten, and hit Hanseo with the hockey stick. It certainly happens more than once, so i figured that there must be a bunch of scars and bruises on his body right?? What if the jipuragi trio noticed one of his scars/bruises?? I know Hanseo always wear long-sleeved stuff, so its not exactly visible, but what if someone caught a glimpse of it??? Perhaps the scar/bruise was on his arm???

Maybe when Hanseo visits jipuragi, Vincenzo asks him to wash some coffee mugs, and as Hanseo is rolling up his sleeves...

"yo whats that on your arm??"

And maybe Hanseo is like "thats a bruise..? Do you not know what a bruise is??"

Okay, idk. I have no idea how he's gonna react if that happens. I just feel like Hanseo wouldnt be proud of his scars if he didnt get them from trying to save geumga/jipuragi people.

And now im just wondering, what do you think? How would Hanseo react, in your opinion? If the jipuragi trio really did find out about the abuse from Hanseo himself, how would that affect their relationship? Im really curious about what you think

Hhhhhhhh sorry if its too long. I just thought that this might be a good way for Hanseo and jipuragi to kinda get closer with each other...

han seo headcanons (part one)

helloooo, thank you for sending an ask in :D

SORRY this answer is super long and for some reason my phone isn't allowing me to add a keep reading cut thingy, apologies in advance to the amount scrolling you have to do

tw: abuse

i've been thinking so much about this ask and just how han-seo would react to them finding out, and honestly i never really took note of how many long sleeved shirts he wears. i believe han-seok has switched a lot more into emotional manipulation and abuse than physical abuse but he has a lot of anger issues. i'd honestly imagine him using han seo as a punching bag for any and every inconvinence that happens to him, even as an intern.

i also agree with you, han seo is someone who is a very bright personality who tends to hide his hurt and emotions, and he's very very good at it as he has been living under a psychopath his whole life. he's good at hiding his anger (although it definetly bubbles over in smaller outbursts) and especially his hurt (i.e. the scene that han seok throws that candle holder at him and he just smiles back). han seo has a lot of anger at himself for not speaking back or being able to act like himself. like in that scene in the office, you can tell as he curls his fist that he wanted to speak back so badly. even when he finally snaps against han seok, he said "i'm getting tired of being afraid of you." i feel like he'd be embarrassed that even after years, he hasn't been able to escape his abuse

next>

(you can also read the following on ao3)

i feel like this scene and their dynamic would play out something similar to this:

han seo joined the team and has been working with vincenzo and cha-young for around a month. at this point han seo isn't walking on eggshells with both of them, he's a lot more comfortable and visiting their office regularly without choi/han/han seok finding out.

sometimes it's vincenzo and cha-young providing him books to study economics from, maybe even giving some brotherly/sisterly advice to him. every couple weeks, vin and cha-young give him quizzes and slowly, he's getting better and better

over time, he even got closer to the plaza residents (even though the residents were definetly cold to him in the beginning, miri scaring the shit out of him by doing her ghost thing, the lady with the lipstick from bye bye balloon staring him down, snack bar lady refusing to serve him, larry also scaring the shit out of him by doing his zombie routine)

but despite this, they adopt him into their family, han seo doing small errands for the residents, him buying the best coffee, food and getting camera equipment for the snack bar lady's son. han seo gifting the pawnshop couple with cute baby items etc.

(obviously he buys the most expensive shit bc he's still a rich boy, but they dont have to know)

(side note: he'd be fucking adorable with a baby, imagine him being the babies "uncle han seo" who gets them the best gifts !!)

even though he was comfortable with all of them, every once in a while his facade would slip.

every once in a while, someone would make a sharp movement towards him and he'd flinch. or if someone makes a quick step towards him, he'd back up and stiffen up on instinct

even if it was someone patting his back or just making a quick movement, he'd react on instinct from the years of abuse from han seok. but no one ever said anything about it if they noticed.

one afternoon after lunch, they were washing dishes, han seo on washing duty and cha-young drying and placing them back. and han seo was in his full sleeves and cha-young notices his sleeves getting wet

"yah, roll your sleeves back, by the end of this your whole sleeve will be wet! you know how uncomfortable those sleeves would be?"

"ahaha, it's alright noona, i'll be fine"

han seo tries to laugh it off, grining at her with one of his wide grins but there's something off about this one. but cha-young gives one of her patented glares and he rolls them up carefully, shielding his arms from her view, and continues washing the rest.

cha-young doesn't take note of his bruises at first, but noted the care he went through to shield his arms from her. his arms were posed almost awkwardly and he was on high alert

it wasn't until after they both finished and he was drying his hands that cha-young saw the massive bruises he had, climbing up his forearms and under the sleeves

he stiffens when he sees her stare, and quickly tries to cover them but she grabs them before he could hide it

she's completely quiet while she stares at his arms. after a moment, he speaks up

"oh i accidentally banged these against my doorway, they're just small bruises. it's go away in a couple days" he smiles at her again but she could tell from the way his shoulders were frozen and the wavering of his voice that it wasn't the truth

"did he do these?" she asked him, her face completely neutral and her voice barely a whisper. she's still looking at his forearms, her fingers ghosting over the bruises.

han seo just looks down and the silence is enough of an answer for cha-young. he walks away, embarrassed that she found out about it, even though his years of therapy told him that it wasn't never his fault, he still felt the shame and anger of not being able to break free.

he's quiet for the rest of the time, feigning tiredness and finding an excuse to leave the plaza

that night, it was just vincenzo and her working at the office late, in preparation for babel. cha-young's mind was still on what she saw that afternoon. abruptly, she stands up, her hand gripping the pen in her hand as she turned to vincenzo sitting at the other desk.

"did you know that bastard hurt him? he's been abusing han seo this whole time?" she asked vincenzo, her voice seething with anger

"i know."

"you know??? why didn't you ever say anything?"

vincenzo looks up at her from his stack of papers, setting his pen down.

"it wasn't my place. i picked up on it when he flinched when mr. tak reached toward him to place a hand on his shoulder."

cha-young sat back down then, her lips pressed together, and vin went back to his paperwork

"we should get him out of there. who knows what han seok would do in one of his rages?"

"couple nights ago, we went to drink makgeolli and i offered him a way out. i told him if he ever needs to leave, and if he's ready to leave, he has a place at the plaza."

"and is he? leaving that is?"

"no. he thanked me, but said that he needed to stay until his brother and his group crumbles to the ground."

cha-young let out a sigh, biting her lip, the worry on her face all too evident

"hong cha-young byeonosa-nim, we shouldn't baby him. jang han seo deserves revenge against his brother just like we do and the choice is ultimately up to him."

"i know. i just worry."

they stayed quiet for the rest of the night, working late but the topic never leaves cha-young or vincenzo's minds

the next day, han seo avoided her like the plague, not wanting to talk about what she saw yesterday

but while he was studying, she approached him, a glass of juice and a snack in hand, setting it next to him. she checked over his work quietly as he took a break and glanced at his arms, doing a once over just to make sure he didn't get any new ones.

"well done, han seo, you're doing well" she smiled at him and ruffled his hair and han seo let out a breath of relief and gratefulness that she hadn't treated him any different

from then, cha-young and vin only got fonder of han seo and han seo was pretty much adopted by them. after the battle and han seok is in jail permanently, he moves out of his apartment, and gets one closer to the plaza.

mr. nam would show him how the organization worked at jipuragi and put him to work, the paralegal grateful to have an extra hand around the office

eventually, even han seo grows an affection to the instant coffee and buys more for himself and his apartment

vin would take him shopping for suits, both rich boys obsessed with their sleek looks. they take cha-young with them once but she manages to sleep off at every shop they go to.

vincenzo also plays hockey with him regularly and the plaza invites him to plaza game nights. they get up to all kinds of mischief,

han seo loves spicy food, just like cha-young so they make it their mission to go to try every restaurant and compete to see just how much spice they can handle. obviously vincenzo doesn't even make it past the first round of the spice competitions but cha-young and han seo have the same competitive streak that keeps them going

han seo is also dropping hints to both of cha-young and vincenzo that they should get married. constantly teasing vincenzo about cha-young in the way only younger brothers do

obviously on one of cha-young and han seo’s days out, han seo drops hints CONSTANTLY, trying to get her to admit cha young likes vincenzo

and OBVIOUSLY she slips up, and han seo doesn’t let go of it

he does the whole younger brother teasing every single time he catches cha-young glancing at vincenzo at the firm

“cha-young noona and vin hyung, sitting in a tree. K I S S I N—” “HAN SEO!!!”

obviously chayenzo eventually get together but decide to keep it a secret (and of course, they were awful at it)

eventually when they reveal it to the office, mr. nam and han seo react like that one scene in suspicious partner (“quick, act surprised” “*gasp* you guys are together??????? we had no idea!!”)

han seo is basically adopted as a younger brother to both cha-young and vincenzo and even the plaza loves his presence and he gets to have a peaceful existence for the rest of his life

anyways han seo deserves a happy ending with a good family. he deserves a second chance with a family that LOVES AND CARES FOR HIM AND GIVES HIM CHOICES AND ALLOWS HIM TO BE HIMSELF. (and yes this covered more than just one scene but I HAVE MANY THOUGHTS ON HIM) as always feel free to add on :D

[channoticedmeuwu]

hi update on myself lolol 

pls rb and spread if you see this

soooo uh yeah im gonna be more ia theres a lot of shit happening at home 

didnt think i’d bring myself to making this yet here we are

dm me on here if you need me. moots can ask for my discord.

details under the cut 

[mentions of cancer, tragic incidents, stress, breakdowns, bad mental health, etc etc]

okay this is going to be an extremely frank and to-the-point announcement because i dont feel like writing a long one with formal wording. heres a list of everything thats happening :

my grandfather has an extreme type cancer (blood) and its taking a very big toll on the family

multiple tragic incidences happened at school and left a stain on the school’s atmosphere; you cant walk around here without that horrid silence lingering in the halls; you cant look anyone in the eye anymore

winter exams are approaching and we’re not given physical syllabi bc were somehow “adults” now that were the class of 2023 😐 therefore, our minds are scattered and vague as to what were even supposed to be studying

work went from 10 to a 100 real quick and were having hard time juggling it alone let alone other hobbies

Cambridge exams are approaching and studying for them is a very big deal for everyone 

i barely have any free time these days, its school, after-school classes, knocked out nap as i finally get home and spaced out, stressed watching youtube after waking up, then staying up late to finish homework, waking up the next morning running on 2 hours of sleep and the cycle repeats

ive been socially cutting myself down from plans when it comes to friends despite the amount of offers i get to hang out bc i dont have anytime to myself to relax, yet always end up feeling left out and let that horrid feeling eat me up

been so silent and drained, people are asking where i went despite them seeing me everyday 

ive signed up for a lot of community service, internships, and within school hour volunteer work and its enough to make me overwhelmed just thinking of it

being a prefect means i dont have any free time in school to myself because i’m always on duty 

ive been busy to the point where i dont have time to think to myself and when someone asks if i’m okay, it comes lashing out in tears right on the spot, ive broke down in public twice already this week 

my hair is falling out like CRAZY, i cant run my fingers through or even FIX them because i pull out about 4 strands everytime, yeah im fucking BALDING

writing and interaction on here feels like a job more than a hobby or an enjoyment, and that is NOT the reason i made myself a writing account, i wont let that ruin it for me and take as much as time i want off this blog

i hope after exams end and i take a well deserved long break, i can be back feeling better about myself and everything else. i hope i can interact properly with my friends and family after all this stress is over because i need it to function and i thrive on social interaction when i initiate it. ill be occasionally visiting this place for a check up, if you need anything, dm me on here, friends can ask for my discord. take care until i come back <3

[heyitsyn]

Keeping Up With Seijoh Ep. 1

a/n: this is a mini-series that are based off of your asks and once i,,,,, finish,,,, my seijoh phase, i will also do this for the other schools but pls take these offerings in the meantime as i work on the next part of my manager!seijoh and the time traveler au 

for more seijoh content, check this masterlist out!

anon request: 

Wow, your series of Seijoh managers is so cute.🥺👉👈 After starting to read, I can only think about Oikawa and y / n on a Saturday night seeing mean girls, painting nails, taking care of the skin and the another day Oiks rubbing the face of everyone who spends much more time with his dear businessman LMAOO Anyway, congratulations on your work 💕💕 seriously, I LOVE this series omg-

I MIGHT BE AN IWA AND KYO STAN BUT OIKS IS DEFINITELY THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND PRETTIEST DUMPSTER IVE EVER SEEN

yep lets start the pilot

so basically, oikawa was being oikawa again

what might i mean, you ask

well, he was starting to work much harder than before since this was his last ever inter-high and his last ever chance on beating ushiwaka 

even though they finally have the team assembled avengers assemble! with kyo back on the team, he still felt lacking and wanted to use every single free time to work on becoming better

yall fun fact about me, oikawa is actually my favorite character bc of how hard he works and the pain i have in that once scene during the karasuno match when he slammed into the tables and was struggling to get up bc of his knee----NO IM SOBBING AGAIN

iwa noticed him doing this again so he sent you out to drag him out and distract him from this 

‘cmon oikawa-san-’

‘NO, Y/N-CHAN! I HAVE TO-’

‘no, the only thing you have to do is spend time with me bc i miss you and i want to have that movie you kept talking about’

bahahaha he is so whipped that a single ‘i miss you’ from you will literally make him break his back and bend for you

it was successful and you were in your room, your parents understanding oikawa and his antics since youve complained about it before, and he was sitting on your floor while looking through movies

‘y/n-chan, do you have no alien movies in here? or barbie?’

IN MY CONTENT, IT IS CANON THAT OIKAWA LOVES THE BARBIE MOVIES FITE ME

you laughed from your spot on your bed and shook your head

‘no, oikawa-san. natsu took all my barbie movies and i get scared of alien movies’

he pouted but continued to look until his eyes literally lit up

it was like god took a picture of him and you saw the flash

‘MEAN GIRLS! Y/N-CHAN I DIDNT KNOW YOU LIKED THIS TYPE OF MOVIE!’

he shrieked but you shrugged

‘meh. katsuki, natsu’s boyfriend, gave it to natsu as a joke but he gave it to me instead bc he cannot stand regina george’

you reasoned while picking out nail polish colors and looking through the ingredients of your face masks

‘WE’RE WATCHING THIS! PERIODT!’

omg hes so loud but i am too so we compatible

ugh i hate my logic

then later,

as the movie played, you were arguing with oikawa as he refused to wear the unicorn and wanted the panda one, which was your favorite

‘OIKAWA-SAN, I LIKE THIS ONE!’

‘Y/N-CHAN I LIKE IT MORE!’

you sucked in a sharp breath before relenting bc you wanted oikawa to be relaxed per request of your beloved senpai

‘fine. but i get to paint your nails’

he nodded eagerly and you handed him the packet, to which he simply stared at it

‘y/n-chan, can you,,,, put it on me?’

he sheepishly asked and you gave him a confused and bewildered look

‘oikawa-san, have you never put these on yourself?’

he shook his head, cheeks flushing and eyes focusing on the blue blanket

‘my sister always put it on for me. or iwa-chan’

‘IWA-?! wHAT-?!’

but you nodded anyways and he made you sit on his lap to put it on

‘um, oikawa-san, this position-’

he smiled at you, a gentle and real smile, not the ones for his fangirls

‘nuh uh, its fine, y/n-chan. oikawa-san loves you so he likes you right here’

he mumbled, blushing and wrapping his arms around your waist to pull you closer making you giggle and nod

‘okay. close your eyes then, oikawa-san’

he excitedly nodded, expecting a kiss from you but you flicked his forehead making his eyes fly open and wince at the pain

‘so perverted, oikawa-san. pervert-oikawa-san’

you scolded and he pouted

he said something but you didnt listen, instead placing the mask on his face and smoothing it out

his fringe was about to touch the wet material so you hastily grabbed a clip and held his hair up

he looked so cute that you couldnt help but reach over and snap a picture of him

‘ara ara gomen did y/n-chan just take a picture of oikawa-san?’

he teased but you shook your head

‘no. what are you talking about?’

he did the same thing to you and now you were both painting each other’s nails, ofc staying loyal to your school mint green and baby blue on the ring fingernail

lmao dont blast me for not being exact w the school colors but it looks mint green to me

he finished yours first and omg?? hes so??? good?? like what???

you were holding his large hands with your small fingers and his heart started thumping really fast at the simple touch 

‘thank you,,,,, y/n-chan’

you looked up to him with large eyes, still unfamiliar with the softness of his voice

it was such a contrast compared to his usually loud and obnoxious, mocking tone

‘oikawa-san is not a really good captain since he burdens and bothers everyone but you always fix it all and keep everyone together. so, sorry for everything’

he mumbled and the eye holes from the mask let you see his sad eyes, genuinely sad about himself

you made the last paint stroke and capped the nail polish before leaning forwards, hands on his thigh so you could be closer

oikawa ofc freaked out because wow youre so much prettier up close and he doesnt?? deserve you??

your eyes blazed with anger and he stuttered your name but you cut him off

‘OIKAWA-SAN IS NOT USELESS. HE IS A REALLY GOOD CAPTAIN WHO LED HIS TEAM TO BATTLE THE ULTIMATE RIVAL AND EVEN THOUGH THEY LOST, THEY STILL WON IN MY EYES. YOU GOT KENTA-KUN TO COME BACK EVEN THOUGH HE DIDNT WANT TO BUT HE DID BC HE KNOWS HOW GOOD YOU ARE. HE WANTS TO PLAY ALONGSIDE A PLAYER WHO DESERVES TO BE ON THE COURT AND EVERYONE ELSE THINKS THE SAME THING. ME, Y/N, IS JUST A MANAGER WHO MIGHT NOT KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT VOLLEYBALL OR THE TECHNIQUES AND ALL THAT BUT I RECOGNIZE YOUR TALENT AND YOU WILL MAKE IT BIG SOMEDAY, OIKAWA-SAN! I PROMISE! AND WHEN YOU DO, I WILL SUPPORT YOU AND COME TO YOUR GAMES BC YOU ARE MY CAPTAIN AND I DONT REGRET EVER MEETING YOU. SO DONT APOLOGIZE AND SAY SORRY TO ME, INSTEAD TELL ME YOU ARE HAPPY TO BE IN THIS TEAM AND SAY YOU LOVE THE TEAM AND YOU LOVE VOLLEYBALL AND YOU LOVE-’

but he cut you off, placing a chaste kiss on your exposed nose

yall really thought it was the,,,, speaking function part of your face

nahnahnah that is only for the doggie

oop what

 you stopped, flustered at the sudden action but oikawa smiled

‘i love you, y/n. i really love you so give me a chance, okay? i will wait, no matter how long it takes but,,,, let me catch up and for now, think about me, okay?’

BRUH HOW IS THAT RELEVANT TO HER LONG RANT LIKE WHAT---

you tilted your head to the side, confused

she is deadass naive like bls protect her

‘a chance for what? you want to catch up for what? youre already good, oikawa-san’

then he laughed

so much more different than the ones he let out in public

it was so,,,, beautiful

you found yourself grinning with him and he calmed down, brushing away the stray hairs that is in danger of getting stuck on your mask

‘come on, y/n-chan. lets go take this off’

he stood up and offered his hand which you took

after the moisturizing and final touch-ups for your skin, you finally settled on the blanket fort and dozed off, the movie still playing but you were too comfortable in oikawa’s arms that you didnt even notice the credits rolling

the next day, you didnt feel the need to mention it at all

but oikawa did and it was still truly an accident

iwa heard about him staying late again and you having to drag him out of there and he was hitting him and kicking him again

you were so used to this that you were just writing down your notes at the corner, oblivious to oikawa’s crying

finally, he had enough of it

‘SEE THIS IS WHY Y/N-CHAN DOESNT LET YOU SPEND THE NIGHT WITH HER! BECAUSE YOU ARE SO MEAN!’

um, sire what did you just say

that was completely taken out of context and everyone, omg, especially iwa and kyo just froze

‘what,,, did you just say?’

iwa asked in a dangerously low voice and you shrugged

‘you told me to distract him, iwa-san, so i did. he was happy and satisfied and thats all that matters, right?’

you shot them a smile and oiks had such a smug smile when iwa looked at him and he was about to hit him when kyo just came out of nowhere and YEETED the smile off of his face

oikawa screamed

just a wittle blurb about this bc i totally love this :( and he totally needs more love and some of my readers love oikawa and want oikawa manager content so here it is!!! feast on these crumbs!!!!

[notnctu]

jaemin + 18 (angst to fluff bc i think i will crY again) 🤭

ahhh thank you for requesting lovie hehehe and i didnt make this one too sad so hopefully no crying HAHAHA you can read it under the cut!

-author doie ❀

p.s. soft reminder to everyone that requests are now closed. we apologize for the wait and are doing our best to finish them all! thank you for your patience :) 

neighbor!jaemin x reader (i know it sounds weird but trust me lol) prompt #18 - “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love you.” genre - slight angst, fluff

jaemin, the sweetest boy next door --- literally. jaemin has been your neighbor your entire life and shared fond childhood play dates together out in your front lawns, like for example, learning how to ride a bike for the first time. and you two watched each other grow up into two very beautiful individuals.

while jaemin’s family has always been kind to yours, you never really knew how to repay their generosity. in fact, they practically raised you with your parents’ busy work schedule. despite never attending the same schools, jaemin and you remained close.

when jaemin finally got his license and a car, he’d swing by your high school to drive you two home. and when you stirred awake at night, he’d come over wrapped in a blanket to keep you company. oftentimes, your families spent the holidays together because you were all simply happier with one another.

jaemin is your home, your safe haven to run back to after a long school day, your comfort to seek when times feel weary. and even though he’s oblivious to how much he means to you, you’ve pondered the thought of whether or not he feels the same.

and you wished things stayed the way they are, that change didn’t have to affect this one part of your life, that jaemin was going to be right next door whenever you wanted to see him. that your story was always going to stay open on this chapter.

for the past two months, you had been keeping a secret that eats away at you whenever you see his shining smile. your parents got amazing new job offers that required them to relocate. and so, you are moving away to someplace far, too far from jaemin.

your heart hurts at what you two could have been and the memories that could have happened. for nights, you recalled past traditions that you’ll miss continuing. but most importantly, you’ll just miss jaemin.

it’s a friendship like no other. you have best friends from school, family friends that visit here and there, but all of which go back to their respective homes several miles away. jaemin is and always has been right next to you, within reach.

while you appreciate your friends picking up your calls after the first ring, jaemin answers the door within seconds of the door bell. he’s the first to hear your bad days, your good days, horrible breakups, and experience several growing pains, some that you’ve even experienced together.

on this very saddening day, you finally have to face the truth that you’re leaving him permanently. it’s the day before the move and your house has no ounce of familiarity left. boxes line the hallway and if it isn’t telling enough, a moving van parked outside at the curb.

“judging by your expression, you bring me bad news?” jaemin leans against the door frame with his arms crossed and dressed in comfortable attire. a messy bed head that also implies that he’s been in bed the whole day.

“how can you tell just by reading my face?” you want so badly to keep a lighthearted front.

“the dip in the corners of your lips and the tiny creasing between your eyebrows.” as he pokes at the space between your brows. you sigh while diving into him and he welcomes you with a heartfelt embrace.

“we’re moving, tomorrow. my parents got a job offer someplace far.” you speak into his chest and you can feel him tense underneath your hold. there’s a long pause before he does or says anything. then, he sees the van parked on the curb and the lack of lawn decor on your side.

however, he holds you a little tighter which has you suffocating in his natural scent. “you finished packing?” and if it isn’t for the crack in his voice, you probably would have thought jaemin is unaffected by the news.

“yeah..” you trail off and when you try to pull away from the hug, he doesn’t allow for it and actually squeezes you into him more. the air is quite stiff when you hear the small sniffs and the hiccups that jump at his chest.

“i can’t tell if i’m heartbroken that you’re leaving me or...” jaemin is clearly choked up as his words fade in and out. “... that you didn’t let me help you pack.” he inhales deeply, finally pulling you away from the embrace and gripping you by the shoulders. his thumbs rub nurturing circles.

“maybe both.” jaemin’s lip quivers. but a sincere smile grows through his tears and it tugs at your heartstrings. his tear stained cheeks and wet eyelashes, the face of a sadden angel.

“i’m sorry that i didn’t tell you sooner. i couldn’t get myself too.” you are regretting the decision of telling him so late, but this is the exact thing you had wished to avoid. jaemin crying is the last thing you’ve ever wanted.

“so you lied to me about getting matching christmas lights?” jaemin scoffs jokingly, still being the playful boy that he is.

“don’t put it like that! but.. in a way, i guess.” your voice drops later in your sentence, with an apologetic gaze that dip to the side momentarily. “we can still match. i’m going to get them for the new house, i promise.”

“i don’t blame you for it.” he wipes away any remaining droplets and you blink up at him with a longing heart. “i guess i’m a liar too and now that you’re going away tomorrow, it’s now or never to tell you the truth.”

“you didn’t actually want to get the lights?” jaemin laughs warmly at your clueless, puzzled question. his hands drop down to intertwine with yours, and your heart pounds at your rib cage.

he shakes his head, “i’d be lying if i said i didn’t love you.” you’re speechless, stunned at his confession. na jaemin, the boy next door, just told you he loves you. all this time when you looked at him with an aching heart, he looked back at you with fondness.

you can barely process this news, but jaemin is moving all too fast. he’s pulling you in for another hug, he’s saying his final words. it’s like your book caught the wind, and it’s flipping rapidly through the pages.

“wait, jaemin!” you stop him as he’s midway through saying goodbye. “i don’t know if what i feel for you is love, but ... i know it’s very close to that. i like you so much and all this time, i was prepping myself to let you go. mainly because i was moving away, but also because i wouldn’t have guess you liked me back.”

“i told you when we were twelve that i had a crush on you...” he looks slightly offended, but of course, it’s him being over dramatic and maintaining the humorous friendship you two shared.

“we were twelve!” you throw your hands in frustration at his ridiculous statement.

“and it never went away.” he smiles, pinching your cheek gently. “instead, my feelings for you only grew stronger.”

“but you’ve had relationships throughout the years...”

he rolls his eyes, “..and what am i now? single and still hung up on my neighbor, who is now moving away and taking my heart along too.”

“you’re no better. you didn’t re-confess your feelings until now!” you stomp, but jaemin thinks you’re absolutely adorable.

he pats your head and says softly, “i thought i had more time.” the single line drills a crack in your heart. “but... i just had an epiphany.”

and jaemin’s smile heals once again, gluing the breakage back together to make you whole. “i’m going to love you no matter where you are.” and you fall into him like a sacred place that will always catch you. jaemin feels like home. jaemin is your home.

[anxiousnerdwritings]

not a continuation (for once lmao) but this is just a funny story I was thinking about for venom bc I feel like I dont incorporate him enough. also I'm in my bed and I'm too tired to get up and get my computer to type in so this is gonna have many mistakes as usual lol - knull anon

~~~~

waiting all day for your "dad" to come home wasnt fun, especially considering the fact that he only had random books on crime rates and how its impacted different cities. however, eventually it became the only thing you were able to read.

not being able to watch tv, not being able to talk to anyone else started to get on your nerves. you were usually just fine without any human contact, so you dont know what the difference is, but maybe it's just that you actually had something to do.

and although they were boring, the non fiction books were more entertaining then the doorstopper on Eddie's door, so what was the harm in reading them?

each day, when venom and eddie left for their "work", you would pick out a new book to read. the ones that were shorter you usually got through in a day, but there were some where it took you a couple of days. however, since you really didn't have much to do, eventually when the days went around, there were no more books you had yet to read.

all of them, had been read through in, what, a month? how long had you been there? you didnt know. you just decided to reread the first one you picked out.

however, you eventually finished that one as well.

so you picked out the second book you had chosen. and you got through that one too.

you were starting to go crazy from the boredom. venom and eddie kept on promising that they would back sooner, and that you wouldnt have to be re-reading the books they had for a while.

but that didnt happen. sure, they had days off. but somehow that was even worse, since they coddled you and treated you like you were 5. which you werent.

one day, they picked up a new book. this one was also non fiction, and it was about how most criminals work, from gangs to serial killers, it had everything.

but eddie had to read it first. he had to read it for his job. the job that he cared oh so much about.

you weren't getting jealous, no. this guy had taken you right off the streets, had taken you from your home, while not perfect, was still your home. you havent seen your parents, you havent seen your friends, and it was starting to become insane for you to handle.

so one day, eddie had told you that something was up in the city. he didnt specify what, he just said that he might be a little later then usual. you're late every day, you wanted to say but you bit your tongue so he wouldnt stay with you.

you needed him to be gone, especially for your plan. you had managed to sneak a peak at eddies computer, only to see that only 2 months had passed since you've last seen anyone who you recognized.

there still might be people looking for you. there still might be people who are trying to find you.

you might as well make their search easier by walking down the street.

jumping from a broken window and onto a fire escape was part of the plan, you had told yourself. climbing down the fire escape and running in a random direction hoping for anyone to recognize you was part of the plan. almost running into a strange ginger haired man who seemed to be confused by your presence was part of the- no, no it wasn't.

you fell right on your ass, and tried to hide a short hiss when you braced yourself with your palms. you brought up one hand and saw that it was scraped.

you looked up to the man in question, who was just staring at you. he didnt seem angry, he didnt seem to recognize you, but it was just this face of confusion.

you were the first to break the silence, saying "I'm sorry, I wasnt looking where I was-"

"do you happen to know eddie brock?"

you stared up at him, wide eyed, as his face started to form into a more understanding face. like he was putting pieces into a puzzle.

"you know, that symbiote of his always leaves their damn scent everywhere, doesnt he?"

you said nothing as he offered his hand with a weird smile on his face.

"oh dont worry, I know what he did. he took you, didnt he? took you right of the street. I was wondering who that was, and I'm so glad I get to meet you."

hesitantly you took his hand and he pulled you up- up over his shoulder.

hanging down, and feeling the blood rush to your head, you saw his feet- no, his body start to morph into something else. something red, with black lines over it. it seemed to incase his entire body.

"I know you dont know me very well, but I'm sure I'm gonna be a good father!"

and as he jumped off the ground and started to swing wherever he was taking you, you started to wonder what wouldve happened if you had just decided to reread the books on eddies shelf.

~~~~

oOF- ok so like I like this and then I don't if that makes any sense it's like, I wish it was better but I also like how it is ya know. anyway I saw that ur not feeling well and I thought this would cheer you up 💖💖💖 while I'm still too shy to start posting stuff (especially since I'm not known for writing this stuff lol) I still like writing this stuff and you were a great inspiration for me, so I just wanted to say thank you for writing your writings and just writing what you wanna write. I really like how you write hcs and drabbles and it doesnt matter what the length of the piece is for me, if it's from you, its gonna be good. cheers love, hope to get the courage to reveal myself in the future 💖 - knull anon

You’re an absolute sweetheart and I love to read what you send in💗💗!! It really means the world whenever someone says I’ve inspired them so thank you so much for that💗💞💕💚💗💕💞!!

The whole time I was reading the part where Reader is reading all Eddie’s books all I could think about was Rapunzal’s day to day montage from Tangled. You did a really good job on these.

[icharchivist]

hello icha!!!!! learned from my mistakes and typed this out in a separate document. first i have to say im feeling a very deep connection with citron as of late bc i was giving myself a pep talk abt like physics and i told myself "face up and man the music!" and was like "...is that wrong. theres that song called man against the music isnt there... yeah it must be right" and. well i realized later. i also think the phrase "dont cry because it happened, smile because its over" is very good. also I’m halfway thru creating a very eclectic list of like. a Pokémon team for each a3 character which is… something. kinda knew it would happen to me. might take a while for me to finish it tho now that I’m halfway bc I’m suddenly having a crisis like “wait shit I’m only confident on my understanding and characterizing of like 4 characters am I good enough” so… it’s slow going lol. anyways. i finished that damn physics thing I was giving myself a pep talk about and so am treating myself to autumn/winter. happens that watching these events is also like. the only thing which reminds me to actually like. log into a3 lol. i am so bad at gacha games. probably a good thing in the long run. ok starting from the top!

hisoka going "zzz" as his reaction made me immediately go... oh dear, please dont fall asleep in the bath and guess what happened. yeah. good thing homare was there lol. speaking of i fucking adore homare and his poetry. id buy his collection. i also wish there was a collection like if there was a master list of every poem he says in like. at the very least main story. if not i will literally do it myself. i love homare so much im like him in that back when i had to play dodgeball id always be like kufufufu they cant hit me if im friendless enough that no one pays attention to me but like in my case it actually worked out. on the subject of the pillow fight tho, hisoka's crazy strong pillow fight throw... one more mark on the list for suspicious, maybe assassin occupation. this event made me realize how much i missed winter like. i saw the stranger pretty recently (which has caused the effect of be being like "taichi!! thats my boy!!" in my head everytime he shows up lol but anyways i havent gotten to a winter play yet so im VERY hype. especially bc this seems like it stars hisoka and homare??? like oh!! oh!!!! also detective fiction... im swooning. i also just enjoy the hisoka homare dynamic a whole fucking lot i think its nice how homare was like "yeah im ride or die for this funky lil amnesiac, why wouldnt you be?" and its just like. nice. feel like hes always reaching out to hisoka which is like. man homare is so nice.

back to chronology. ofc sakyo goes cheap for the hot springs lol. on brand as ever. was very hype for the azuma sakyo dynamic bc all i remember is like azuma trashing everyone including sakyo at some game or the other in one of the winter chapters and it was very good. or was this a clip in like a stage play? either way it was delightful. at first i misinterpreted taichi going "…" after azuma and sakyo said theyd never been on a field trip bc like. taichi being quiet or noncommunicative... after going thru autumn troupe act 1 it makes me fear for my life a little lol. anyways im glad he was just like planning fun times. speaking of taichi tho we got a tasuku taichi pair for etudes!!!! im not spoiling myself for later events but i hope to GOD tasuku and taichi do like a lead co lead in SOMETHING or at least like some mixed troupe event i want them to talk!!!

also dunno if this is an intentional pun but i enjoy that its called high spirits at the hot spring bc like oh theyre having fun but also bc like. "spirits" is used to refer to a certain type of alcohol i think? which is cool. dunno if its intentional but i liked that. anyways the talent show. taichis moving rendition of single ladies... ok i know it said single fellas but like. we know. wonder if that line was a different song in japanese? its not too old at ALL tho imo. anyways the way banri and juza being themselves Are the entertainment... flashback to when banri slaps juza live on stage instead of doing a stage slap lol. my reaction to azuma essentially went:

azuma: I can offer to bare my soul, and a little more ;)

izumi: what do u mean by that???

me: hey tasuku and omi were shirtless what's ur problem with azuma

anyways i reread and from what i understand they were maybe only flexing and doing a gun show? which like. no wonder it didnt last too long then lol. also explains why they didnt have shirtless sprites i suppose lmao. i am SO curious abt what azuma ended up doing tho that fade to black is so mysterious! did he tap dance? did he pole dance? the world will never know...

oh also im not like super familiar with azuma yet but my read on his personality is definitely like "I am so touch starved All The Time but I will be chill. :) :) this is fine :)" like he just seems to rly like being around people! just like basking in presence whether or not hes rly talking that much.

i enjoyed that juza mentioned pillow fighting with his lil brother... thats nice! i think a lot of this event was just focused on ppl having fun over the drama lol bc it got wrapped up sooo quick. i liked the bit where sakyos worried that izumi was out late searching for him tho it was so sweet. table tennis match was very fun although id argue calling hisoka and juza the two quietest tho lol like... banri exists so juza isnt quiet. just like inevitably. finally, the event cg!!! azumas hair tied up... so nice! thats how I tie my hair up sometimes tho it doesnt look nearly as nice lol. taichi rambling abt his first love for so long tho... lol. ill be honest i have to reread autumn bc i was not aware of this whole situation until it came up in the stranger and i like inferred from there. the end of this event was nice! it was cute. i dont rly have much thoughts on it but im so hype for the winter play

Hello:!!! so good to see you again, freshly learning from your mistakes then :3c

the connection with Citron is a BLAST to read about. I am glad that Citron is there, on your mind, supporting you at every turns of language. It's beautiful.

AND OH THE POKEMON LIST!!! thrilled to hear about it being a wip ongoing! take your time ofc and i hope you'll feel more confident as you go for your characters interpretation! i believe in you!

lmao i'm glad the events help you remember to play a3, i'm sure that by the time you'll be done with the events you will have unlocked so much of act 2 you won't have to worry too much about it. Anyway i'm glad you treat yourself to good things :3c

of course Hisoka fell asleep in the bath. tbh this event was a lot of "Hisoka almost dies in a spring house multiple times if it wasn't for his troupesmates". Between sleeping in the bath and almost swallowing the table tenis ball... where would we be without Winter, and especially Homare, taking care fo him.

I'm SO GLAD you like Homare that much! he's so so good! i'm sure there must be a masterlist somewhere, or well. can be done anytime i guess?? but yeah Homare is fantastic and LDJFDLKFJDF the evil plan to avoid dodgeball from both of you.. this is incredible DLKJFDLKF. But yeah alas he's loved by his own so he gets hit smh.

And yeah Hisoka is just acting sus huh.

BUT YEAH... YEAH... WINTER... BELOVED.... I feel regular and normal feelings for Winter as you know, s o .

(i'm so delighted that you feel that way about Taichi though, as he deserves!! what a good boy!!!)

But yeah Winter play next!!!!! i love the winter plays so much i hope you'll like it as well!! aND YEAH HISOKA AND HOMARE AS A DUO... for a DETECTIVE story?? so good.

I'm sO GLAD you like their dynamic! yeah i adore it too. Homare was so quick to leap into taking care of Hisoka? Like i mean he immediatly called him sleeping beauty when they first met, and immediately decided to be his roommates to watch over him, and then he did everything to take care of him and it's just so sweet. Homare has such a big heart he's so gentle with Hisoka. Homey and comfortable, whenever Hisoka admits it or not ahah.

ahah wouldn't be Sakyo if he didn't need to stay cheap. BUT YEAH the Sakyo/Azuma dynamic is pretty good. oh the event you talk about i think is in some of his very first backstage storyes (that you can read if you have them since they're at this point of the chronology). There's one where they play a mafia game and Sakyo is warry of Azuma because "people like him are those you need to worry about the most" and Azuma is just ":) you wound me :) i would never :)" and then Azuma wins the game and starts to mess with everyone. It was so fun. and yeah i see which clip you mean for the stage play!! it's so so fun they have such a neat dynamic and i loved to see it in this event as well.

and omg worrying about Taichi while he was just there preparing a fun time! this child really would have worried us all back then huh

but AHH YEAH TASUKU TAICHI.... It's such a neat dynamic! ofc i won't say anything but man i love the potential of their stories, as the two ex Godza boys. To see them bond and be comfortable with each other always make me so soft.

OH NICE CATCH FOR THE PUN! i think it must be the reason for it tbh, i love it! thanks for pointing it out!

The talent show was really fun yeah ahah! I wonder what it is in Japanese too but at least the localization was hella fun!

"anyways the way banri and juza being themselves Are the entertainment." THEY'RE SO SILLY I love them so much

AND LMAO YOUR REACTION AT AZUMA I LOVE IT. YEah i think Tasuku and Omi are just flexing (which is Still. SO FUNNY. Just there saying "our talents is.. our muscles...") meanwhile Azuma is like "my talent is that i'm crazy hot :)"

But YEAH Azuma... AZUMA WHAT DID YOU DO....

your read on Azuma's personality feels pretty spot on to me ahah omg. Staying with what you know about him, the fact that with his job and all, he seems like he's starving for connection while also terrified to make himself emotionally vulnerable. He loves staying with people, listening to them, caring for them, and he's touch starved as hell (i mean it's his job) but he doesn't seem to really know how to be on the receiving hand of affection. there's a flair talk, i can't remember where, with Omi at some point, where Azuma compliments him, and Omi is just "mhm.. but you know i think that it's more about you" and ends up complimenting Azuma in depth and it let Azuma dumbfounded because he didn't expect Omi to trick him at his own game, while Omi just genuinely don't get why Azuma is reacting that way. He gives he gives he gives, and he's genuinely happy with that, but he seems to have difficulties to take, or to demand for something, while also starving for it. I have so many emotions for Azuma.

Any mentions of Juza's little bro are the best things. I love this type of mention TwT

And yeah it was such a laid back event. Honestly deserved after the crying fest that was The Stranger imo. It's good to relax once in a while and it was nice to have them have fun. There was the bitterness of both Azuma and Sakyo's past that was always a bit looming but everyone was working so hard for them to enjoy themselves that the joy just overtake any sadness i loved it.

Sakyo worrying about Izumi is always adorable TwT

And yeah the Table Tennis match was so fun and chaotic LMAO. I love the dynamic between Juza and Hisoka. Just two usually quiet boys who like sweets. Except that yeah like you say, as long as Banri is around, Juza cannot be 100% quiet. Rip.

THE CG WAS SO PRETTY i loved seeing it. And omg you can share your hairtips with Azuma how nice :D Azuma manages to make everything look beautiful smh....

Oh yeah Taichi and his first love! if i recall he mentions it quickly at the begining, that Yuki reminds him of his first love, and he says that again at some point - then the fake Portrait he does he mentions his first love again. And since then it's been a reccuring topic so yeh :3c

but yeah! this event was really sweet and laid back, not much to say about it, but it was nice to have it at all!

Hope you'll like the winter play :3c

Take care and thank you again for your thoughts <33 i love reading them!! bless you!!

[inctlife]

when wayv know they wanted to marry you

kun:

so,,, things had been kinda rough for kun :( like he was practising 24/7 and he was also on a pretty strict diet so he was just physically and mentally EXHAUSTED and like there’d just been a really tiring day at practise and all the boys started to go home, but kun was like ‘nah i’m gonna stay’

ANd tHen after like 4 hours (it was late at this point,, like almost midnight??) and he came home and there was just an overwhelming smell of delicious food and he could hear the boys laughing and talking lovingly and when he walked in he saw that you had made dinner for the members and now were talking about their day while you stroked xiaojun’s hair to help him sleep and kun almost started crying

like where tf else would he find someone that loves him AND cares for his members THIS MUCH dude

and that night you left after having lots of kisses from ur bf and kun brought it up to the boys and they were all cheering and were just so supportive :(

ten:

sO,, ten and winwin were doing this new extravagant dance like they do and they were adding So Many New Parts to Impress The Fans but !!! dundun!! while doing a funky jump turn thing ten fell and landed STRAIGHT on his injured knee

he was in AGONY,, like screaming and tears AGONY and winwin calls an ambulance and then calls you because he doesnt know what else to do lol and you’re like ‘wHAT’ because that’s ur baby and he’s in AGONY

so you get the hospital and you see ten waiting with winwin and he’s in a wheelchair bent over and clutching his knee and when he sees you he almost cries and is like ‘my love!!! help!!!’ and you just walk over and slap him round the head

winwin is shook tbh,, like proper :O,, but ten just starts laughing and his heart swells as you start pouring out complaints and nagging him about his safety bc he knew he’s been injured before!! what makes him think it wouldnt happen this time!! and he just smiles and thinks ‘i have to marry this person’

winwin:

so y’all were invited to kun’s wedding (ofc?) and you had been invited to be kun’s wife’s bridesmaid!!! you and ten’s and lucas’s girlfriends!! and so, you and winwin (after eating breakfast together) didnt see each other for the whole morning as you were rushed off to kun’s wife’s room to get ready and the boys stayed with kun

and you had your hair and makeup done and you got into your bridesmaids dress and you were a bit pouty because ??look how fucking beautiful the rest of these girls are???? and you wanted to get married and wear a vale!!!!

finaLLY it came time for kun’s wife to walk down the aisle, and you were walking with lucas’s girlfriend behind the bride and while kun had his moment,, so did winwin.

his jaw just dropped, but you didn’t even notice because you were giggling (and tearing up) at kun’s reaction to his wife but what you didnt even know!! ur fucking boyfriend was sat there wiping subtle tears away because he KNOWS now, he’s gonna marry you.

lucas:

sO. your boy. the visual KING that he is. was invited to another one of these foreign fashion events and he was like ‘alright ig🤪🤪’ and you went with him cause they were offering him a +1 and free holiday?? yes please???? but what you Did Not sign up for was being at lucas’s hip through all these events????????????

so NeWay, yeah you had to do that. and lucas was pretty nervous because he will just never get over the shock of being invited to something big like this, but this time he was just slightly less nervous because ur by his side🥺

but. in true xuxi/yukhei/lucas fashion. he does something a lil embarrassing :(,, and as he slowly starts to realise what’s just happened (you being on exactly the same wavelength) he gets a lil red in the face and you just thunk ‘fuck it’ and do the same thing so he is nOT ALONE. it’s US. in this shit for the RIDE OR DIE.

and lucas is shocked but as the two of you start giggling literally everyone else in the room disappears and he just thinks ‘i can’t wait to marry her’🥺

xiaojun:

sO,, you and dejun had been together for a WHILE, like i mean a full hot minute,, but he’d always been kinda secretive about his family?? like you’d met them several times but both they and dejun never told you anything much about them??? and you just kinda let it slide cause there was obviously smth that he didnt want you knowing and you werent about to poke

and THEN,, one day,, you’re in dejun’s hometown and he’s like ‘get dressed nice and pretty! going to a concert’ and you’re like ‘WOOO!! LETS GO’ and you get dressed up and you and xiaojun walk to this kinda small venue and get drinks and shit and xiaojun’s looking kinda nervous?? so ur like ‘babe its okay,, i’m sure i’ll enjoy it’

and then!! the person comes on stage and you realise it’s a drag act,, very entertaining!! and then, after looking closer,, you realised it was dejun’s dad, as in,, the one you’ve had dinner with MULTIPLE TIMES and you just turned to ur boyfriend and were like ‘your dad!!!!!!’ and he smiled because you looked so excited!!!!

and dejun almost cried because you were so supportive and that was the one thing for him bc if you didnt support his dad’s career than this would not have worked and for him this was like something in his heart just going ‘she’s the one!!’

hendery:

so similar to xiaojun,, for hendery family was really important!! not that he was hiding anything about them? but you’d only met his family a couple of times and never all together, so when kunhang invited you to come to his mum’s birthday where EVERYONE was gonna be there,,, you were highkey nervous

but so was he lmao he aint gonna lie.. so!! you two flew out to macau a couple days before her birthday so you could settled and the first thing that happened was his sisters wanted to take you guys out for dinner!!! and you went to quite a posh restaurant,, cause that’s the kinda family they are😎 so you were kinda bricking it,, but at the same time the food was GOOD and kunhang’s hand stayed on your knee the WHOLE time

not that he needed that though because his sisters LOVED YOU like he literally got pushed to hang out with his sisters’ boyfriends bc you and his sisters were all gossiping so much and then when you finished your meal you went and had a little photoshoot under the moon and the pretty city lights and later that night as you were asleep next to him,, kunhang looked back over the photos and was just like “wow. my love”

and that was IT he decided RIGHT THERE to marry you.

yangyang:

so you and yangyang had recently moved in with each other,, him finally being the last one to move out the shitty dorm,, and so this was only around the 2nd week that he was coming home from practise to you and your dog and your two cats!!!

when he walked through the door, your dog, finneas, ran up to yangyang and was all happy like dogs are and yangyang was happy too!! and he could smell the dinner that was ready but you weren’t in the living room like you normally were and instead,, yangyang heard your proper, real, ugly laugh coming from the bedroom and he ran over and was like ‘i am home!!!’

and you were laying on the bed, practically in tears and he was like ‘what’s so funny😂😂’ cause he’s like that. and you were like ROLLING AROUND but when yangyang got over to you,, it was a tiktok of someone reacting to a comment that said ‘hi peepeehead’ but you know? he had to laugh because that shit was making you SCREAM and that alone was funny to him

and he just couldnt help but wonder how much more joy you’d bring him,, and he was not about to be left with any regrets😤,, took his boys and bought himself a ring the next week

[yyxgin]

no bar!! never fret about replying late. i know what it’s like to not want to talk to anyone. honestly. i won’t call it (my experience) a depressive episode bc one of my friends used to brush off me when i was saying things like i’m depressed and say ‘sad’ instead. like if i were to say ‘that made me/i am depressed’ she’d say something like ‘oh god same! like if it’s making you sad,, don’t do it.’ which is a v poor example of what she did but i never called it depressed after that bc she pissed me off n was disregarding of my feelings (even though she’s incredibly anxious herself) bc i didn’t get it officially diagnosed. idk if you’ve ever read about birth control pills but i always read on tumblr people calling them literal depression pills and i ignored it, thinking either 1) people were being dramatic / were over-dramatising it or 2) it wouldn’t happen to me anyway. it fucking happened and they were not being dramatic. i was never happy n always working on minimal sleep n making self depreciating jokes all the time bc it was the only way i could cope with my thoughts n constant mood swings. so what i’m trying to say is,, i know how it feels. if that’s any consolation. it’s not me trying to be ‘oh me too!’ or ‘mine was worse than you’ it’s just me being understanding n telling you it’s okay. also lemme at your friends!! i’ll stomp them out n get the barman to run them over for you!! they’re so mean to forget you!! i find that deciding i want to do something specific n then asking the appropriate people if they want to do saïd thing/place works for me. it can be a simple ‘we should do this, when are you free?’ helps. making it known that you want to do things helps. or aggressively remind them that it’s nice to be asked bc it means they thought of you even if you couldn’t go n tried to include you. or we can revisit me stomping them out w my beloved barman,,, whatever works best for you my dear <3

admittedly me and one of the girls were discussing that we are going to miss our manager. even though literally everyone moaned about her (i feel like it’s impossible to avoid in literally any job/situation) she did have her moments and she did a lot for the staff like after work-drinks, asking the chefs if we could order off of the customer menu instead of the staff menu or whatever they cook in bulk for everyone to take home in the evening. apparently she did this a lot more than the previous manager. she has a good heart but sometimes she ignored some of the girls when we ask for days off or our availability for the week which was very annoying of her. it could’ve been a lot worse, i suppose, but overall she wasn’t terrible.

thé lady who lives in my town and drops me given the chance, told me the other night that she used to be the duty manager. i asked her why she stopped and she explained that when they furloughed everyone they asked her to come back on like half pay or something? idk i just remember it being explained as they wanted her to come back sooner and take away her furlough so she said no and got demoted. but somehow she still gets some of the furlough? idk i have been taught that asking how much or discussing specifics of paychecks kind of thing is rude, growing up. she has been telling me they keep asking her to come back (now they’re asking her to be a supervisor since she declined the manager role) and she keeps saying no. i love her and want the best for her so i won’t say anything to anyone about the conversations me and her have had (i mean, apart from maybe my mum if i can remember, and you bc, let’s be real, you don’t know me and idk you) and she says they’re just difficult to work with as a management team. she even said our area manager isn’t impressed with our current assistant manager (who is currently the only person on an houred contract since our manager left) which shocked me since i personally think he is quite good considering he has a good relationship with the staff and kitchen (he’s thai so he can communicate with the kitchen better than most of the wait staff (some wait staff are thai but mostly not)) i think she doesn’t want to be the eldest person in management or she doesn’t want the age gap to be so big since she has a kid she can lecture at home, she doesn’t need to be looking after people at work, y’know?

also today, me and one of the girls were upstairs (two floors of the restaurant!) and it’s nearing 11pm and her brother (who also works there) comes up and asks us when we’re finishing (mostly her lol) but we had two tables just sitting talking amongst themselves so she just said idk. he was saying he wanted to go bc he’s tired etc n he’s driving n she was like it’s fine go home i’ll call an uber or something n he was refusing to leave her behind. (i feel like i brushed over the two tables sitting there but it must be noted they’re the only tables left in the entire restaurant and we were the only two wait staff still there, apart from her brother but he changed and was waiting downstairs). anyway, she was sweeping (i was cleaning the booth/sofa thingy chairs as it was a mundane task we could do to pass time and while she was sweeping by one of the tables thé boyfriend was whispering to his girlfriend saying ‘should we go?’ and the girlfriend said ‘why should i care?’ and the girl came over to tell me v quietly and i got so upset for her. bc she is literally the sweetest person on the earth and the only reason i didn’t go to ask the manager to see if i could go home with the lady who offers to take me (ex-duty manager lady!) was so she wasn’t alone up there. if i had been the one sweeping near that table i would’ve snapped so fucking hard at them. i mean, we’re 18 and have lives and sleep schedules, and we’re working until 11pm on a thursday before we even get home?? like i wouldn’t have minded staying if they were reasonable tables but after the gf said that i was like ‘shall i go get our stuff from the staff room?’ so i could split as fast as possible. in the end the temporary acting manager came up and told us we could finish and she kicked the tables out ten minutes later. i told her what the table saïd and she thought that was mean and unnecessary too. i was also worried about my sleep tonight since i have my first vaccine tomorrow morning. that’s why i was more pressed about what time i left work today. oh well.

im sorry for talking so much about work! sometimes i don’t have someone to talk to about it (at home) bc of my weird hours and sometimes i don’t like re-explaining things to my mum if she doesn’t get it the first seven times. sometimes it’s just a little too draining as she doesn’t understand since she’s a lifer at her job. it’s easier to explain to my dad but then i get a whole lecture on something that i ultimately have no control over n id rather just bitch w the girls at work but the problem is WE’RE AT WORK!!!

also i booked for my first tattoo!! i’m excited. it’s for next week,, which was super quick considering i was expecting to have to wait soooo much longer. i’ve been telling people about it and that it’s happening but i haven’t had the pleasure of telling people exactly where i got the idea from. bar, my dear, you know wheein’s new album, redd? well, it comes with loads of things, including these stickers (one for each song) and the one from springtime was just so perfect and when i saw it my first thought was, this would be a perfect tattoo. and so i am having it tattooed on my body. a subtle nod to kpop whilst also having something meaningful on my body. i also have just decided i want a small, minimalistic (or one-line art) rose on my sternum, kind of in the valley of my breasts, bc my nan was a rose. i like having her close to me. i recently got her necklace fixed which has left me feeling so incomplete after it broke in august last year. it’s been almost ten years and i think i’m long overdue something to remind me of her. i fiddle with my necklace when i’m nervous which is why i love it so much but incase it breaks again (i pray it doesn’t but i have a long life ahead of me) i would like her close still.

gosh there’s never enough space in my head to remember what i want to tell you so i’ll stop here for now since i should sleep to be able to wake up in time for my first jab. i’m scared but it’s whatever i’ll do it i suppose,, eeek 😨

ilyl ~ 🌻

thank you so much for opening up to me about this, it means a lot to me :( i am so sorry you had to go through this and honestly,, i really resonate with you. i feel like when i talk about my emotions and my sadness (dont know if its okay to call it depression either but yea), my friend either always either makes me feel like my emotions arent valid or she tells me she doesnt know how to help, which is frankly, why i dont talk about my emotions to people irl anymore. i dont open up and it takes me a long long time to do so if i ever do, because i tend to feel insecure/not safe :D so really, thank you for telling me and i hope you are doing better. your emotions are valid and i am always here for you 

HAHAHA i mean i dont have many friends so theres not many to stomp on:( but i mean,, i get passive aggressive when i feel forgotten/left out so you best believe i told my friend how im feeling, but like uhhh it didnt do much. i spent the whole weekend at work and i was free on friday but my friend decided to ditch me and yeah. i havent been out in like two weeks now and i mean i am an introvert so i dont mind that much but even i want to socialise sometimes

aah i mean every manager has their flaws, no one’s perfect. my manager keeps calling me to go to work even though i was literally there for 11 hours on saturday AND sunday which means i worked for 20 hours in two days. and i work 20 hours a week at max. and i already worked some hours before the weekend so i think i have like 30 hours now and she keeps calling??? dude i need a break too,,i am so exhausted and tired of this shit :dd

oh i totally get what the lady that drops you off sometimes told you. i would feel a little iffy if i heard it too, but like,,,judge by your own experiences!! if you feel like something is off, you can always leave,, so i wouldn’t be so stressed about it.

why are people so rude ??? dude,,you should care, because we are all human. everyone has their needs and their lives and i bet he wouldnt like it if he was the one in your place. why should you stay there longer just because he didnt want to leave?? that was so unnecessary. people are weird beings and i learnt that after working with them this weekend,,,like i litereally got screamed at because i couldnt accept cash in different currency. like,,what tf do you want me to do?? i dont have every single currency with me so i could give u the change ?? tf ??

ALSO ITS OKAY TALK ABOUT YOUR WORK HOWEVER MUCH YOU WANT !!!! i also feel like i dont have anyone to talk to about work bc my parents dont listen to me as much as they used to these days and my friend unsurprisingly just doesnt care bc she doesnt work,, and i dont wanna talk to my internet friends abt it as much bc i feel annoying so i am glad us two can talk about these things together !!!! 

YOUR FIRST TATTOOOO WHOAAAH thats so cool. i love tattoos hihi dfkja idk if u already had the appointment but tell me how it went after !! i wasnt able to find the sticker on the internet but im sure it looks hella pretty. also i love how it reminds you both of kpop and your grandma, its wonderful <3 i really want to get a tattoo one day,, and i also want something meaningful (not that i am hating on people that tattoo themselves just for fun and have no meaning behind their tattoos i just have commitment issues so i want something long lasting). alSO my crush (yes i have a crush now ew) has a tattoo and it looks like satan lowkey,,but apparently its a japanese something (i forgot the word oopsies) and it means jealousy, bad past and wisdom ?? i was like BOY IF U DONT??? fjdkla he has blue hair btw i am very much whipped but he also doesnt know me and i am older than him so this is embarrassing

ALSO I HOPE YOURE FEELING WELL AFTER GETTING THE VACCINE !!! 

ily <333

[multi-fandom-trash]

hey i really love your writings and always look forward to when you post! if this is too triggering i totally understand but could you possibly do and hc for comte, theo, leonardo (possibly napoleon & jean idk how many characters you write for so if that’s too much i understand but at the very least comte) for an mc who is generally known cheerful and happy but she has self harm scars? tysm

Aww thx, also i want to say srry for this being late, i thought it wasnt ganna do much to me bc the other tw one didnt so yea, um... Im srry again and i really hope u enjoy it. Oh and srry no comte or leo srry. And srry if it sucks i kinda had a hard time doing it...

Also let me just say, i want someone like theo😭😭

Napoleon: 

Today (y/n) wanted to come with Napoleon and Isaac to go teach the kids. You were one of the most happy and cheerful people they know and Napoleon thinks kids should look up to you. 

It was hot outside today and before walking out the door, Napoleon asked you why you were wearing a long sleeve shirt. You told him it's just the shirt you threw on and walked out the door. You all returned to the house by the time you needed to help sebas with dinner. 

The kids always have fun wherever you go with them, so after dinner, Napoleon went to look for you. You were washing the dishes. Sebas had to go do something, so you thought you were the only one in the kitchen. 

You didn't want to get your sleeve wet so you pulled them up while you washed the dishes. You were so focused on trying to hurry and get them done that you didn't realize Napoleon entered the room. He was about to ask if you wanted to go with him and isaac tomorrow again, but he noticed something on your arm. Well more like a lot of things. 

‘Scars. From what though?’ he wondered to himself. He gently tapped your shoulder making you jump a little. As soon as you realized someone was in the room, you imminently rolled your sleeves down as fast as you could but it was as fast as you thought. 

You only rolled them down half  way before being stopped by a hand grabbing your wrist. 

“What are these?” he asked with a lot of concern. 

“Scars'' you simply said it and tried getting his arm off you, but it didn't work. “I know that. How did you get them? Who hurt you?” “Myself” you didn't realize you said that till you saw him wide eyed, then he pulled you into a tight hug. 

“Why?” was all he said. You decided to tell him. He was glad you had stopped and tried to be happier. Ever since that day, you two were closer than ever. 

Jean: 

You were in the garden, washing some of the house resident’s pets. You were bored, and already finished the rest of your chores so you decided to offer to clean their pets. Today you were just washing dogs and a tiger. 

You first got Vic cleaned then king, and last cherie. Jean offered to help just in case Cherie decides to be a brat for you. 

You had your sleeves rolled up so you wouldn't get them wet. You thought you had enough soap bubbles to hide your scars, but you thought wrong. 

“Mademoiselle, may i see your arm?” you were so focused on cleaning cherie, you didn't process fully what he meant. So you lift your arm for him to see. Then the second he grabbed your wrist and lightly went over your scars. You tried to pull your arm away but his grip slightly tightened. “Why?” he sounded worried and concerned. You then explained why you did that. 

He pulled you into a tight embrace. You hugged back tears in your eyes, face buried in his chest. You both were like that for a few minutes, holding each other tight, like if one of you lets go, you’ll never see each other again. 

You both decided to let go and finish cleaning cherie. Once done you had to go make dinner. Jean noticed you looked a little down, even with the fake smile you put on so the residence dont worry about you. You thought you might have upset him, or worse, disappointed him. You never wanted to do that. 

After dinner, he met up with you in the kitchen and asked what was wrong. You told him how you felt. He hugged you again. 

“y/n, you didn't disappoint me. Yes i'm a little upset you did that to yourself, but you stopped, tried and succeeded to become a better person. The scars show how strong you are” you felt like crying again, but the god type of crying. 

Someone cared for you, and it's the person you love the most. You both shared a kiss before you finished up cleaning the dishes. 

Theo: 

You were getting ready for bed, and for some reason your room was really hot. So this was your plan, you will wear a short sleeve shirt to sleep, and wake up before sebas wakes you up so you can change into a long sleeve shirt to hide your scars. 

(TRIGGER WARNING: i wanted this one to be different from the other two, so this one goes slightly more into detail about why you do it, and yea you still do it. Sorry) 

Just when you were about to go to bed, theo knocked. You didn't have time to get something to cover your arms so you just hoped the blanket would cover enough. 

“Come in.” he walked in and sat at the foot of your bed by the edge. “ hondje, make sure to wake up early tomorrow because-” he cut himself off. 

‘’Why are you wrapped around in a blanket?” he asked. “O-oh, n-no reason. J-just cold.”  “ but it's hot in here. Hondje are you alright?” he asked worried. “Im fine dont worry about me” he looked down at your wrist and noticed a few cuts that looked kinda fresh still. He had a plan to make sure he wasn't only seeing things. 

He held your hand. “You know you can tell me anything, right?” “of course.” you said with a fake smile. 

He finished saying what he was gonna say at first, still holding your hand. Odd but you thought nothing of it. He acted like he was gonna get up to leave, but insead gently yanked your arm off the covers, revealing scars. Some old, some barley starting to heal, a couple still looking fresh. 

Theo felt his heart drop, his eyes wide. You looked away in shame. 

“Why hondje? Why would you do this to yourself?” he said almost on the verge of crying. He didn't like seeing you like this. You’ve never seen theo cry before or even on the verge of crying. This was new to you, and you didn't like seeing him like that. 

“You know those girls who always try and flirt with you at the pub? They always run into me while I'm in town shopping, calling me names and just saying stuff I hate. Like they call me slut, and say, ‘Theo doesn't really like you, he comes to see me while he's off to work’ those types of things. I soon felt numb and I wanted to feel something again.” you started to cry because you were ashamed that you hid it from him, that out of everything you could have done, you turned to that option. 

Theo gently pulled you into a hug. Trying to hold back his tears.”you should have told me sooner, you didn't have to do that to yourself. I'm sorry i didn't realize something was wrong sooner, i thought you were always happy and car free. You didn't need to hide this from me.” “it's not your fault. Im sorry.” he held you while you cried into his chest. 

He held you for a few more minutes till he heard you stop crying, well at least for the most part. He gently grabbed your chin with his thumb and index finger to make you look up at him. “I will always love you, never forget that hondje” and with that, he pulls you in a deep and passionate kiss. 

He ended up staying the night in your room because he didn't want to leave you alone. Also he checks you every week to make sure you stopped. And whenever you go to town and he is off work he will go with you and when he is at work he makes sure sebas knows to be with you for the most part. 

He may be protective, but you love it, the one you love the most in the world cares for you and those girls were wrong and always will be. 

Gahhhhh 😩😩🤧🤧 I love the way Theo's came out. Hope u guys do to.

[fangirlinginleatherboots]

i know you're okay with questions about did so i hope this kind of message is okay. i like your blog a lot and i'm struggling a bit. i have a therapy appointment tomorrow and it's going to be going over my responses to a ~multidimensional inventory of dissociation assessment~. filling it out was really hard. i've worked so hard to pretend these parts of my experience don't exist. i'm scared to admit it. i have the trauma and diagnosis history. a year ago i started taking detailed notes to (1/?)

figure out what was going on when i lost time because i didn't understand what was happening. and now i know. i don't know how to be honest about what happens. when i'm different i just disappear for however many hours or days or weeks or months i need to until i'm present again. getting the diagnosis would mean letting those parts have a right to exist. i've scared ppl close to me when i'm gone. i don't want them to be right. (2/?)how did you talk about this during your diagnosis? i'm afraid that if i'm honest about the severity that i'll be seen like i'm trying to get this diagnosis or that i want it. i still need to finish the assessment. i left some blanks that i couldn't admit to. i haven't been able to look at it again. i've gotten so many diagnosis' over the years but none of them ever quite explained everything (3/4)this fits. i don't want it to. doesn't help that i'm still being constantly gaslit. i feel like i'm being manipulative or have an ulterior motive for not staying silent about this. i don't trust myself. i feel so guilty. there's so much of this i didn't even know wasn't normal. feel free to ignore this if this is uncomfortable. i'm just struggling to let this be happening. i really admire how open you are about it. (4/4)i wrote that in a separate document i didn't realize how long it was sorry about that !!! i am. Embarrassed slightly a lot

sorry for the late reply! and no need to be embarrassed at all!first off, being honest about the severity of your condition is necessary if you want the condition to get better or if recovery of any sort is a goal. the denial and confusion you are experiencing rn are totally normal. 

the things you are telling me, literally this thing you have written to me, is EXACTLY what you should tell the person diagnosing you. about the lost time, about the worry you are trying too hard, about the guilt, about the gaslighting, all of it. being open and honest during diagnosis is the best way to ensure that you can get the best quality care. in order to recover, the issues must be addressed, but they cannot be addressed if the the diagnostician is unaware of their existence or severity.

i cant offer much from my personal experiences. my diagnosis was something i had to fight for. i didnt have doctors who even understood dissociation or knew i could be tested. i had doctors who straight up said DID doesnt exist in response to a protector switching in during therapy. i dont even remember who finalized my dx bc it was basically me just going to ppl, saying what was happening, and them shuffling me around between new therapists and doctors until i wound up with a few who agreed with me that something was wrong.

you are brave for making it as far as you have. you are worthy of the care and recovery that a diagnosis could bring. its okay to feel the way you are feeling right now and as you continue to give yourself to the process of diagnosis, it will feel better. im really proud of you for writing out all those feelings. i believe in you!

[daikaashisthighs]

Confession// Tsukishima Kei

He tried to keep his cool careless demeanor but you can tell he’s flustered. He just looks down at you (because he’s a fucking giant and is probably 1ft taller than you) suprised by your sudden cofession. This boy will literally just stand there for a minute to process what the fuck just happened. As soon as the gears start turning in his head, you can see a small smirk appear on his lips. “Hmmm, is that so?” s/c shyly nodded, ready to run away. As she was about to walk away, he grabbed her hand and told her to wait for her after practice. Poor s/o doesnt know what that means and she freaks out internally.

She waited for a few hours for Tsukki to finish practice. Tsukki invited her to wait inside the gym but she refused knowing her heart wont stop beating out of her chest. She settled outside the gym and literallt stared into the ground thinking of all possible ways Tsukki would turn her down or maybe embarrass her in front of his team. She didnt expect Tsukki to return any sort of feelings because he’s never really shown any interest in her but she couldnt keep it in anymore. She didn’t want to lose their friendship although she felt like it was a one way friendship. Tsukki just usually listens to her ramble on about ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING but from time to time he’d tease her or make a stupid remark. His company is something you treasure and enjoy. 

During those 3-3 1/2 hours, he’d constantly check on you and makes sure you were doing fine. When he realized practice will be running late, he told you to go on ahead and go home. You insited on stay and waiting for him. Of course Tsukkie being a stubborn dino that he is wouldnt let you. He was afraid your parents would get worried or you could possibly get introuble. You explained that your living by yourself and your parents live abroad and he reluctantly agreed. He once again asked you to wait for him inside the gym bc it was getting chilly. You declined and he gave you his jacket to keep warm. BUTTERFLIES ARE FLYING AROUND IN YOUR STOMACH. You told yourself to calm down bc you didnt want to get your hopes up. I mean why would Tsukishima Kei fall for a girl like you. Nothing stands out about you, you dont have anything to offer him and your looks is just average. You shooks those thoughts out of your head and tried to focus on something else. You took out your phone and watched netlix. You couldnt help but smell his jacket and fall totally in love with his scent. You hugged yourself, feeling like Tsukki is actually hugging you. You couldnt help but hope to have the chance to be in his arm. Your eyes started drooping and you leaned agaisnt the cold wall, falling asleep. 

You woke up feeling someone poke your cheeks. You were quite annoyed and was about to give that person a piece of your mind but when open your eyes and met his, you instantly melted. You felt embarrased having fallen  asleep outside, practically hugging his jacket. Little did you know, he found it adorable. A small smile even crept into his lips when he saw you. Before you could say anything, he offered you a hand which you accepted and started walking towards your house. 

The first few minutes, no words were said and you were walking ahead of him to try and avoid his rejection. Neither of you knew what to say or how to start the conversation. You felt as if,  you waited for him for hours just so he could walk you home. You were disappointed and kind of upset. Although you didnt want to be rejected, its better than not knowing. The walk felt painfully slow and awkward. It’s rare for the both of you to feel this awkward silence. You were approaching your house and he still hasnt said a word. You took that as a sign of rejection or a way for tsukki to say his goodbye. You expected him to never talk to you again. You felt like a fool having confessed your feelings for him and ruin your friendship with him.

You reached your front door, you turned to see if tsukki’s still with you. You thought he left bc he was walking behind you and hasnt said a word. Turns out, he’s still there. Once your eyes met, all you could do was apologize. “I’m sorry. It’s okay if you dont want me to be in your life anymore” shit, tears started falling down your face but you contiuned pouring your heart out. “I couldnt help it. I’m sorry I fell for you. I really wish I hadnt so everything could get back to normal.” you looked at him hoping to get a response but nothing. His face is still unamused. “You know what tsukishima, I’m not sorry. This is all your fault. Its your cute faces fault. You made me fall in love with your stupid little quirks. Your annoying gestures and ugh don’t get me started with your voice. How did you now expect me to fall in love when your laugh sound like music to my ears. And those eyes UGH. They make me weak to my knees. Your addiction to dinosaurs, it makes me think of having kids with you and dressing them up in dino costumes just to see you smile. Everything about you, I love and I know I sound crazy right now but I wanted you know this before you go.” somehow tears started pouring down your face. Your hands clutched into a fist and Tsukki noticed your knuckle turning white. He grabbed your hand and looked at you. “I’m sorry Tsukki, I just wanted you to know how loved you are. No one reminds you enough how much of a gem you are. Whoever will own your heart is the luckiest girl in the world” You snatched your hand away from his and walked inside your house, shutting your door, leaving Tsukki outside. 

It took Tsukki a minute to process your outburst. His tongue felt numb. He couldnt say a word. He wanted to tell you he felt the same way but his tongue wouldnt let him and on top of that you didnt give him time to respond. His head was spinning, he didnt know how to react to someone loving all of him, including his flaws. He couldnt understand how it was possible for a girl likeyou to fall for him. He felt as if he was dreaming or this was some cruel prank. He couldnt believe how you felt about him. Shit clicked and he realized how you felt like you were rejected. Tsukki’s interally beating himself up for not clearing it up but he was shocked and nervous. 

He rung the doorbell hoping you would answer but nothing. He was freaking out. He really wanted to see you and tell you how he feels but you werent answering the door. He was contemplating smashing the windows or something. Finally, you answered the door and he immidietly pulls you into a hug. You stayed like that for a while, enjoying the feel of being in his arms. You look down at her, seeing her eyes red and puffy from crying. He hated himself for being the reason why you felt heartbroken. He cupped your cheeks, slowly leaned down kissing you gently. As soon as he met your soft lips, he instantly melted. He couldnt help but smile into the kiss. “You’re such an idiot” he mummbled. Your brained stopped working once he kissed you. “Next time, let me talk okay?” he said softly. “I’m sorry you felt rejected, I was just trying to gather my thoughts and find the right thing to say.” “I’m sorry i jumped into conclusion tsukki, I didnt think you could ever like a girl like me:” You confessed. Tsukki sighed and said “You’re right, I couldn never love a girl you” he paused. You could physically feel your heart break into a million pieces. “It’s because I already love you idiot” He pulled you into a hug and kissed your forehead “Please don’t ever cry again okay? I’m not worth a single tear of yours” “I love you” you mumbled. “I love you more” 

[munsonthings86]

Close To You- (Ethan Dolan x Reader)

Request: could you do one where you’re the twins really close best friend from their childhood and ethan has always really liked you but since they moved out to LA you didnt see them as often but ethan was like really sad bc u were going to fly out for a week but something came up that you couldnt so grayson facetimes you and then gives the phone to ethan to make him feel better

Warnings: Cursing, it’s kind of sad for a little while, but it gets cute and shit at the end lmao

A/N: This was a really cute idea and I couldn’t wait to write it. Thank you to the anon that requested this, I really appreciate it. I love you and I’ll talk to y’all later!

Word Count: 1,229

Tag List: @mydolansss @seriouslydolanssss @euphoriaxdolan @sagittariusdolan @lostinmydolans @ditzydolans @freewill-is-an-illusion @peacedolantwins @angelinaa00 @dolanoodle @alanaxdolan @spankmehardergrayson @girlsarecool @obliviousfighter

[Ethan’s POV]

“I’m gonna miss you so fucking much,” I say, pulling [Y/N]’s frame into mine, squeezing her tightly between my arms. I gently rest my head on her shoulder, inhaling her sweet scent for one last time until the next chance either of us had to visit one another. I heard her quietly sniffle against my chest as I squeeze my eyes shut, not wanting to cry, though I was just as emotional as her.

Grayson and I were leaving for Los Angeles, California, for a new career opportunity that we had been offered a while back. Though I truly didn’t want to accept it because of the distance that would be driven between [Y/N] and I, I knew that I had to because it would only help Grayson and I.

[Y/N] was a lot more than just a friend to me. Even more than a best friend. I loved her with my entire heart. She was such a beautiful person inside and out, and always looked after the people she cared about. I just wished that she’d be looked after just as much. I wanted to be that person for her. I wanted to make sure that she always had a smile on her face. I wanted to be the person she ran to even if it was the tiniest problem. I wanted her to love me the way I loved her.

I wanted to be hers.

But she can’t know that. Not now. Now that I’m leaving.

I ran my hands around along her back, planting a light kiss on her shoulder. I listen closely as she whispers, “Do you have to go?” I feel my body heat up as pain and sorrow fill my body, tears pooling my still, closed eyes. I clear my throat, not trusting whether or not my desolation was seeping through my voice and reply, “I think so, mamas. I don’t wanna leave you. Not today. Not ever.”

I replace my head, with my hands on her shoulders, as I pull myself away, to look into her sad eyes, the sight making my eyes leak. She looks up at me, and uses her small fingers to wipe the stream under my eyes away. I lean my head into her hand, appreciating the soft feeling of her delicate touch. She stands on her tippy toes, leaving a kiss on my tear-stained cheek.

“Call me when you land, okay?,” she says, leveling back down to her original height. I immediately nod my head, quickly remembering that she worries easily. “I will. I’ll call, text, and facetime you everyday. It’ll be like I never left. I love you, okay?,” I say, wrapping my hands around hers and squeezing them gently. “I love you more,” she says, giving me a small smile.

I wrap my arms around her once more, and pull my suitcase closer to the entrance to the airport, watching as she and Grayson share a hug goodbye. After letting go, Grayson walks closer to me, as [Y/N] waves at us with a sad expression sketched along her features. Grayson begins to walk into the airport, pulling his hefty suitcase along behind him, before I turn back to look at [Y/N]. She lifts her hand to her lips, giving it a small kiss before waving it my way, as she opens her car door.

“Come home soon,” she mouths, smiling sadly. I nod, sharing a small smile with her but thinking to myself that it didn’t matter whether I was in Los Angeles or New Jersey. Wherever she was, it was home. And I couldn’t wait to go back.

[2 Months Later]

I look down at my phone as it rings, my favorite picture of [Y/N] along with her name appearing, immediately boosting my mood for the day. Being away from [Y/N] for so long had been hard on me, the phone calls and texting seemingly not being enough, but she recently surprised me saying that she’d be visiting, since getting a break from school. 

I quickly accept the phone call, smiling as I hear her soft voice speak, “Hey, Ethan?” 

“Hey, [Y/N]. What’s up? How have you been?”

“I'm not doing too good, E,” she responds, my heart dropping as it was evident in her voice that something had been troubling her. “Why? What happened?,” I say, my voice softening. 

“Remember when I said that I could come visit you in LA for a week?,” she asks. I subconsciously nod my head, soon realizing that she can’t see me. “Yeah, why?,” I ask, though I can infer why she’d be bringing it up. I feel myself become sad all over again, praying that she wasn’t about to say what I thought she’d be saying. 

“Well, I can get a break from school, but my boss at work says that I don’t have enough vacation days, to come out and visit you,” she says, sighing. I tug on the ends of my hair after hearing what I really didn’t want to. “I hope you’re not mad at me,” she whispers, after staying silent for a while. 

I furrow my eyebrows in confusion, before replying, “Why would I be mad at you? No, of course I’m not. Am I sad that I’m not gonna see you again for God knows how long-.” I pause, feeling my eyes well up. I press my fingers to my eyes, as I feel my skin heat up from an overwhelming sense of despair. 

This wasn’t the first time that [Y/N] and I made plans to meet for it to only be crushed by both of our demanding schedules. At some point, the feeling of hopelessness does take effect.

“Hey, can I call you back?,” I say, lightly tapping my foot against the floor. “Okay, I’ll talk to you later,” she says, hanging up the phone. I throw my phone on my bed, throwing my body on there soon after. 

[One Week Later][Y/N’s POV]

I finally finished my study session, shutting my textbook, sighing in satisfaction almost immediately after. My eyes dart to my phone as a facetime call from Grayson comes in. I answer, seeing his calm expression turn into an excited one as he takes notice of me. “Hey, Gray.” I say, smiling at the relaxing sight of him. 

“Hey, [Y/N/N]. Can I ask you for a favor really quick?,” he asks, as I watch him move around his apartment. 

“Sure, what’s up?”

“So, Ethan’s been really down lately because you couldn’t be here and everything, so I thought it’d help if he’d saw you. I talked to him earlier today and he said he hadn’t spoke to you in about a week, so I figured, you know?,” he says, as he stops walking and stands by a doorway.

“Yeah, I’ve been super busy with school and work, so I haven’t had the chance to talk to him all week. Let me talk to him so he won’t be moping all day,” I say giggling quietly. After a few moments I see Ethan with an upset face that is soon replaced with an elated one in a matter of seconds. “Hey, bubs,” I say, smiling with him. “I miss you,” I add. 

“I miss you so fucking much,” he says, putting his hand against his head, as he begins to tell me what about me he misses. 

[buoyantsaturn]

I’m in Hell OG planning

unfortunately none of these were as good as i thought, they didn’t have the same pizzazz that the text conversations i had with my friend did about how awkward the pre-dating stage was, but here’s the planning that was requested!!! enjoy!! 

Will works at a hospital and doesn’t have time to watch his daughter 24/7 so when she constantly needs help w her HW, bc of her ADHD/dyslexia he hires a tutor

Puts an add out or sth and finds nico somehow, emails him once or twice, has him come to the house

Nico shows up and will’s like, “oh no he’s hot” but he comes in and will explains the situation and says like, “before i should really offer u the job, you should meet her first”

Will calls her into the living room and nico kinda freezes when he hears her name is bianca but tells will it’s nothing

Will says “this is mr. di angelo” and nico kinda cringes and bianca just flat out goes “yeah i can’t say that” and nico crouches down and says call me nico and shakes her hand and will is like yes good choice

So he has nico come back the next day and he has to run out the door or he’ll be late so he tells nico to help her w her HW so they do that but bianca gets angry so nico’s like “lets go play outside for a little while” and they pretend sword fight and stuff and when will comes home, she’s calling nico ghost king and he calls her princess

So then there’s the first night will needs nico to stay kinda late and neither of them were prepared for this bc nico only has the clothes he’s wearing (+ his laptop thankfully) and will hasn’t gotten around to finishing the guest room yet so he apologizes a lot and says nico will have to suffer on the couch for the night

All said over the phone

Bianca gets upset that her dad won’t be home to tuck her in, so nico promises a bedtime story and she calms down a little

So he tells the story of his sister bianca, some of it trust, some of it not, but bianca loves it and after the story, he goes to the couch and gets ready to make up for lost time and writes that paper he’s due soon until will gets home, but he falls asleep mid sentence around midnight

Will gets home around 3AM dead tired and kinda forgot that nico had been there so he’s surprised when he sees him passed out on the couch.

Will puts his laptop on the coffee table and covers him w a blanket and kisses bianca goodnight and falls into his own bed

Nico wakes up to the smell of coffee and a very quiet house that wasn’t his. He goes into the kitchen to find will with a mug in his hand and he offers another to nico

Nico finds out that bianca had been happy to see that nico was still there when she woke up , to which nico said, “i’ll have to stay over more often, then” and will had to hide a blush behind his coffee

Nico also finds out that will had spent bianca off to school already that morning, and also that will liked to talk a lot in the morning , or maybe just in general, not that nico minded

Nico accidentally calls him a ray of sunshine, but will just smiles and says something like “and you’re practically the walking dead, I guess ghost king is a more accurate name than i thought”

And later that night when nicos is at home finishing his paper, will is enjoying his night off w his daughter , bianca tells him all about nico and the story he told her the night before and will thinks he can feel himself falling in love

Will wishes nico would smile at him the way he smiles at bianca

Will calls nico one day to make sure nico can come over the next day but a woman’s voice (it’s hazel) comes through and will apologizes, figuring he has a wrong number somehow, but she says “no wait you’re will, right? Nico’s told me a lot about you and your daughter. “ and will’s like “is the there? Can i talk to him?” “he’s a little...under the weather, i don’t really think he’s up for talking to anyone rn”

Will gets all worried like “i’m a doctor does he need me to come check on him is he ok?”

She just kinda laughs and is like “nah this is just his annual thing, he’ll be back to normal soon”

And will’s just kind of awkwardly like “do you think he’ll be ok tomorrow? I know that’s a little soon but…” so she goes to talk to him but will doesn’t hear anything through the phone. She probably set it down.

Hazel goes into nico’s room and he’s kinda just laying there staring into space and hazel says a couple things, but he doesn’t really respond, until she mentions will and even then he just looks at her for a second w/o saying anything

She tells will that ncio will probably be there tomorrow but will is still like “are you sure he’s ok?” and hazel says yes and hangs up

Bianca’s right there when will turns around and she’s like “is nico ok?” and will’s like he’s sick right now, but he should be ok soon”

Bianca just goes “hes sad” but will doesnt know why she would think that. “His sister died right before christmas. He told me that. Her name was bianca, too. Is he still coming over tomorrow? Can we make him cookies to make him feel better?”

So when nico showed up the next day, looking like he hadn’t slept in a week, the first thing bianca did was hold out the plate of cookies

Nico got down on his knees and hugged her, and will could see that he was crying

Bianca noticed and said “no crying, theyre supposed to make you happy!” and nico’s like “these are happy tears, I promise”

Will gets a terrible feeling when a woman answers nico’s phone, like “oh no he’s straight”

then one night when will gets home nico’s kinda fidgety and will thinks something’s wrong, and nico says “so bianca asked if i had a girlfriend but i never really answered bc i didnt know how ok you were w the whole gay thing?”

Will blushes and hes like “considering i’m bi i would hope i’m ok w it”

Nicos got this wide-eyed expression and he’s like “ok. goodnight.“ and like runs out the door

i’m gonna keep digging around for those Good Pure Bits so we’ll see if those come up soon

[angelicspaceprince]

Rant timmme

So I’ve blocked the person this is about bc they sometimes splurg on my Tumblr page and knowing me, thisd be the day that they do that.

Basically, a friend of mine from high school and I are…idk if its a falling out or if its subtle hints they dont want to know me or what. But, here is a rant dedicated to them.

So I met them in Grade 8, 9? We hit it off right away and I could talk to them about the stuff that was bothering me at the time. They were amazing and I respected their boundaries as much as they respected mine.

In Grade 9, when my mum was sick, I didnt have any friends in my class bc the school separated the three of us bc I was too distracting (the one person I did sit with was legally blind so I was helping them with stuff they needed help with, something her aide never bothered to do) and I pretty much isolated myself from everyone bc it felt like no one was on my side, especially all the teachers who failed to see my deteriorating interest and health to be anything but “its because shes fat”.

Anyway, I told this person that I was suicidal (I think I said that if God wont end my life soon, I’ll do it for him? Anyway it wasnt hinted, a went into my plan a little bit) and they brushed it off, saying that I was fine and when Mum was better I’d feel better.

Fast forward to Year 10. Still suicidal only no one was listening. Self harming now too. But thats not their responsibility.

What was their responsibility was not to become a Grade A bitch.

Throughout the year they ignored me, and caused my closet friend to burst into tears on multiple occasions. They refused to sit with us and would rarely talk to us. Another one of their friends was also suicidal and self harming, and they were taking it more seriously with them. Whenever I tried to organise something (catch up in town, meeting after school, etc) they’d always forget and either not show or show up so late and have to leave early so there was no real point in meeting up at all (I’d have to be in town at 830am agreeing to meet up at 930-10, and they’d show up post lunch and leave about an hr afterwards and I’d be stuck there until 6-7)

What really hurt was that for my 16th party, I had invited about 10 people to lunch. All but one forgot, and when I called this person they said oh I’m sorry, I forgot I’m at netball and then I’m going to other friends house. Raincheck?

So yeah. Pretty devo.

Then at our Grade 10 formal she refused to sit with us, take a photo with us, and caused my friend to, yet again, burst into tears. Two days later, we had an explosive argument and I cut contact.

When I came back from the UK (about maybe 6 months after this argument?) They wanted to catch up and I said fine.

Didnt say a word to me. Hugged literally everyone but me (they hated hugs all throughout high school and they didnt offer and when I asked for one they turned me down) and, surprise surprise, spent all the time talking to the same girl from high school.

(Side note: the other person is really sweet and I’m not shitting on them, more my friends behaviour when it came to interacting with literally anyone else but her)

So, we had a shakey online relationship forming, and when I organised a meet up in town the same things happened as they did in high school.

Fast foward to Grade 12, my 18th party. I had two, a dinner with family and friends and a day in town/sleep over with my mates (to make up for the dinner which scared the shit out of me). They forgot the dinner. They forgot the party (we called several times before I called her Mum and practically forced them out the door). Which is fine except it was my 18th, and they had done it for all bar one of my birthdays)

Then, when I came down from Melbourne I always asked if they wanted to meet up and they always forgot. That whole year was shit for a multitude of reasons, but their lack of support offline was one of the shittiest things that happened.

So, now we are in my first year of Uni. I pay for them to go to Melbourne with me (I paid accomm and I think tickets? Well i got free accomm anyway) and had planned for us to do a ton of stuff.

Didnt want to do any of it.

And just like when I went down from Melb, when I came down from where I am now, they’d always forget when we were catching up.

On top of that, I offered to let them stay at mine during a local con that happens once a year and they didnt tell me until I came down to grab them to walk them home that they found other accomm! And then didnt ask if I wanted to catch up post con or whatever.

Anyway. Last year they commissioned me to crochet them something, which I did. I finished it and we agreed that they’d pick it up at my 21st bday party.

Anyone see the trend?

They fucking forgot again. I sent the multiple messages during the lead up to the party and they still fucking forgot and then asked if I was in town the following day to drop off their blanket.

I was fucking livid. So I said no (which was the truth) and told them that I gave it to my parents for them (my friend) to organise with my parents to pick it up from their (my parents) work. (Fun fact: it still took them over six months to collect it and it was only after spamming them and threatening to sell it and then them running into dad that they did then collect it).

I also told them they needed to call me at their earliest convenience.

That was in July. Besides the messages about the blanket, I refused to message them until they called me. Which they haven’t.

I dont know I think I’ve never been an important person in their life? I mean, they forget everything and never take what I say seriously and I dont like making plans with them anymore bc I know they rarely remember. Am I being too dramatic? Or is it justified?

To be honest I’m terrified of never speaking to them again but my heart always gets broken when they forget me and even though they are super important to me, clearly I’m not important to them. And I feel incredibly shitty about that because idk…I feel like I’ve lost a lot over the past three years, especially in the friend department.

But yeah. No climax with this one, just a rant ended I suppose.

[celestialallstars]

Episode #4: “Everyone hates a puzzle god.” - Drew

This swap was PERFECTO, well, had I been on Nu Orfeo, it would have been but, Nu Tuatha was my next best choice and already it is great! I have Kori/Bryce and then Loris for sure. I talked with Mitch and Sharky a bit, so I'm optimistic on that. But I go and talk to Stephen. Lo & behold, he tells me there's a rumor that Kori and Bryce are working together. He says he heard it from Jared, but I figure hey, why am I not living a little? I say wow if we lose they go but...I immediately told Zach haha what he wishes to do with it is up to him, but if the rumor happens to spread, then I guess we'll see. If Mitch happened to feel this way, then I can at least use it to avoid being a target for a little while, even if I am sticking with KB.. this is gonna be one heck of an intriguing dynamic!

Oh my goodness, what a great swap! I got Chris, I got Bryce, and I got Mitch all of whom I doubt will be voting me. If I play my cards right I'll also be able to use this opportunity to get closer to Sharky or Loris in the event we never go to tribal. Ideally I wanna make sure me and Loris are especially good since Sharky seems the more likely first boot from our tribe.

I'm not sure what to make of this 24 hour challenge, wanna be optimistic but who knows.

I fucking love Alyssa, literally as soon as we swapped she looked at my teammates, messaged two of them to talk to me and gave me info on Zach and Stephen having history in the season. The equivalent of like "Okay go to the backdoor, meet the guard and tell them you like to fly with the eagles, he'll let you in, tell them you're with me and I'll leave the rest to you." So while yes I am the odd duckling out being the only one from Cyrena I'm going to do my best to work with what I have.

So not very much has changed on Tuatha as far as I can tell. My tribe winning the immunity challenge has helped me delay any confrontation between my 2 alliances which is great, as it should theoretically allow me to maintain relationships with all 6 members of the tribe. Still, it's going to keep being important to win immunity or pray for a swap in order to keep these groups from clashing.

Jared and Rhys are still a ? for me. I don't know why/how Rhys was able to convince Kori to invite Jared to the alliance of 5 instead of Mitch, and it worries me that those 2 may have a stronger bond than I immediately suspected. Hopefully I'll have an opportunity to deal with that when the time comes.

We're going to lose. I hate for it to sound so defeated/pessimistic, but the fact of the matter is unless we have a turn around in the AM, then I only see this setting the pace for the remainder. I know Bryce and Kori must be sleep. Mitch is trying, Loris possibly went back to sleep? And I guess Sharky is shooting for a late night swim or something. Regardless, I'm just already going over who the best person to leave would be for me. Unfortunately, with Kori/Bryce and then Loris, that only leaves me with Mitch or Sharky. Personally...I'd be open to Sharky, just cause, yea it would've been cool for Orfeo Seven to be a thing, but like I only feel secure with Zach/Loris and that's to a certain degree. All in all, this might be the tribal for Sharky to go and if the others are very sad over it, well, I guess they will have to come to terms with it.  I know Mitch is with Stephen and now that I know Steph is gonna probs wanna target Kori/Bryce, I'll need him and Mitch around for them to battle it out against each other...hmm decisions.

So we swapped. Yay. I have Jared. Yay. Stephen, eh kinda doesn’t speak to me a lot, well he speaks to me the least in my tribe. But we’re in an alliance. So I’m gonna have to figure how to navigate that.

Chloe Mo and a Zach all talk to me more than Stephen. So If I can figure out a way to maintain numbers and sack off Stephen, bye bye Stephen.

Also Mo is amazing. Staying up to try to prove worth in challenges 😍 no one deserves mo.

Y'all know me, one wrong social interaction which ends in humiliation or making me look like a dingus will ruin my entire day. Like oh no one laughed at my joke? Time to disappear into nothing and mope for a couple hours.

I’m lowkey scared about this challenge. I’m on my phone which sucks cause I can’t really do much in terms of puzzles. I can do them just always not the first one to finish. So looks like I’m not doing much yikes.

hi! we swapped! um. the last 2 hours. what a mess. so. like. kori posted a screenshot that showed the names of all his alliances and like. i told everyone maybe... ?? i told zach and then.. mitch.. and then.. i confronted bryce bc one was called 'three kings' so it was obv him chris and kori.. and bryce confirmed it. then sharky does the same thing but oh well thats insignificant hes only in 1. also. me and mitch r like. close now!! all because of this mess. but kori hates me. hehee

So the tribe swap has hit, and I'm back with my old pal Zach! You know, the person from my season who I tried to vote out like a million times before finally succeeding due to finding the idol at F5. Woohoo.

In all seriousness, though, I'm kinda happy to be on a tribe with him because he's a challenge beast and I don't think our relationship is totally unworkable. I made it clear to Zach as soon as the swap happened that I wanted to work with him, not against him, so hopefully that'll work out.

Chloe and Mo are 2 people I've also been working to get to know since the game began so I'm not too worried about them targeting me right away. I think this is a strong group overall.

And then there's Jared and Rhys. Probably not the first 2 people I would've chose to swap with but at the very least they both have incentive to keep me around. We are in an alliance together after all!

I made the decision to tell Chris about my situation with Mitch and the alliances on OG Tuatha because I really want them both to survive and unite with them at merge, and if Chris knows that Mitch was on the bottom of the totem pole on Tuatha, then maybe he'll take it into consideration.

So I had a glimmer of hope but we lost it and that's okay. I already prepared myself to vote for Sharky and it seems that is where we're headed...and yet craziness ensued in the time I was away! Kori accidentally reveals three kings and I try and do what I can to talk to others but nobody has said anything so they're either good at hiding things or they legit dropped it after questioning Bryce and Kori. ON TOP of it all, I learn from Loris that Sharkys alliance chat could be from an org..with Drew, Chloe and maybe Matt. It would definitely explain why Chloe didnt except the alliance offer..so that is fun. And now Stephen has told me he/Bryce/Kori/Rhys had majority alliance. So now I have a lot of info. It's just mattering how to use it

Shoutout to Drew for carrying everyone’s ass while drunk for half the challenge

I wanna explain my plan. It might sound ridiculous but... shut up. So I have this chart I made to show who’s doing the best and worst in challenges. I made four charts, three for each tribe, and one for everyone overall. The overall chart comes in handy if I make it to merge. So my dumb strategy is using said charts to kind of vaguely suggest who should be voted out each round. For example Tuatha is going to tribal and Mitch is doing the worst statistically so I can see him being eliminated (Mitch ily I’m sorry if you’re reading this). The bumpy part happens when and if I get to merge. Because then I’m going to be playing with a bunch of incredible comp players. My goal is to kind of use them as a way of getting to the end, by pinning them against one another until eventually it’s just me. Several problems in this plan, the first one is if my tribe goes to tribal which isn’t super severe because like I said I do feel comfy socially but I am doing the worst statistically so there’s a chance I could be eliminated. Second problem this is a very fragile plan and one crack could leave me looking like a goat trying to make something out of nothing and I’m not tryna get biggest goat in touchy subjects again. Will this all fail? Most likely. Am I gonna try to be a cool strategic genius? Yeah. But it’s worth a shot. Ok rereading this whole thing I’m kinda thinking this plan is garbo but I took so much time to write it so I’m gonna send it anyway.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I’ve been like bouncing in between moods of. “I’m gonna be an early out” and “I’m gonna go far/win.” Right now I’m feeling like an early out again.

appreciation the thumbnail + title please.

God, the last 24 hours  could not have gone worst. We lost the challenge, AND I was such a dumb idiot that I posted a screenshot in the tribe chat where you could see my alliances.

So naturally I had to basically inform anyone I was aligned with that it happened. I feel like such a flop right now. I've missed the window 3 times for searching for an idol, and it's just like how can I be so absent minded. I need to get myself together if I want to even make the merge let alone win the game.

So far the only people I know for sure saw the Screenshot are Loris and Zach. Chances are other people know and just haven't told me. I'm just trying to keep a level head after having a mental breakdown over what an idiot I've been. We're at tribal and I'm hoping the votes on Sharky are there because we do talk the least. (I'd rather Loris goes but we're actually in a chat together because apparently Jared and him talk a ton.) I have 0 desire to keep working with Loris though, so if I can push it I wanna send Loris home next if we lose again, he literally went up to Bryce asking if he was in Three Kings and tried to draw attention to my screenshot without flat out saying it in tribe chat, asking Mitch if he saw it etc etc.

It's obvious he's trying to basically draw attention to me because I did win our season. His fake-nice apologeticism isn't fazing me. If it's genuine, well he's bad at seeming sincere then since the actions I've seen don't reflect it.

Boy I hope I wake up and get my shit together because I really need to. Granted I could also be seeing myself going right now, so who knows. I haven't been the most useful in the challenges even though I've never not been trying. So hopefully I stick around for awhile longer. I've still got so much more I've set out to do and I don't want to get sent home without accomplishing any of it.

So we SWAPPED and I wanna give a little bit of insight as to my thoughts. New tuatha consists of me loris chris sharky kori and bryce. The first challenge was this 24 hour puzzle crap where Zach and Drew H from the other respective tribes CARRIED their teams to victory. It is about 5 hours before tribal and I already feel like I am on the bottom again. IDK WHAT IM DOING WRONG. I always seem to be on the bottom premerge,  but thankfully this is how I flourish. I am SO good at getting out of situations like these and finding myself in a power position at merge because nobody wants to get rid of me. RN I created a chat with Loris and myself just so he can keep me updated on what is HAPPENING with chris and sharky, and i also have my old alliance with Jared and Stephen who i hope are doing ok. The targets for this round are me and sharky for being perceived as inactive. The vote should be 5-1 with Sharky going, but it HAS crossed my mind to throw a vote on like Bryce to shake the cage a little bit. I dont trust Bryce one bit and I feel like he'd throw me to the curb the first chance he gets unless loris keeps him in check.

Everyone hates a puzzle god mwah!!

Lol so we swapped, I get Michael and Alyssa but the former blue tribe has 4/6 majority here, I like them enough as people but like...we're just gonna go ahead and not go to tribal here, if I have to drag them to the immunity statue kicking and fucking screaming. Which is what I did. F17 ladies

Fourth tribal safe. It’s a weird feeling to be safe so many times in a row but I’m glad my all stars game is getting off to a strong start by making connections here there and everywhere. I’m praying for Sharky tonight because I know that he’s close to me and Chloe so if he goes it’s definitely worse case scenario.

So it seems sides are forming so that's cool. Mitch is possibly going to end up with me [and Loris] and then there would be Bryce and Kori. However, after chatting with Stephen and Jared yesterday, I've concluded that I am in a pickle! Let's say Kori/Bryce are legit about this Three Kings thing. Well, I know I'm a possible third wheel for it. On top of that, I'm assuming Mitch might get boned if we lose again, however, Stephen trusts Mitch a lot and so wants us to use him to take shots at Bryce/Kori if we lose again. Mind you, according to Jared, Stephen is a sneaky dude (Sneaky Pete), and him and Rhys don't trust him longterm. SO what does this all mean? All of my allies are hot messes. And on top of it all, I am beginning to feel for Sharky. Yes! I get that its been optimal for me to get him out, but it still sort of sucks now that I've talked with him more. Unfortunately, it is for the best he goes for my game right this instant and hopefully the wrath of him and his allies shant be too horrible.

So we swapped!!! And by some fucking miracle, we have a majority of me, jack, Alyssa and Bodhi. Was very unexpected tbh but we'll take it! Michael and Drew joined us which is good cause they r both v.good at challenges which I would hope means we can immunity run. Cause no thank u hate tribal not dealing with that. Drew also like carried us in the challenge which was a yeet, I swear I tried tho hehe. Mo and rhys I want to try and get to work together, would be very fun n flirty. Sharky messaged me like "lol I'm leaving" and if he does, I'm fucking fighting people, cause that is NOT ON. HE is my one true love and if he leaves I will be annoyed so much and will be quite fucked tbh.love that for me!!

at orientation last year we were told about a “rule of 7” to not overcommit ourselves. I’ve just about doubled that threshold and depending how the next few days go it might go even higher. Pray for me.

I wish I had more energy to dedicate to this game but i need to fucking relax in my free time. So I’ll talk to people at my current rate and hopefully that’ll get me to merge. Then I’ll drop all other responsibilities and fucking dominate.

I really think the game is starting to slow down for me. Now what I mean by that is I am continuing to get more woke and more misty, and the aura of this being all stars and the spectacle of the other players being so great is starting to dissapear.

I feel very much as though I have perfected my craft in terms of how I like to play, and I'm doing it very well here. It's cool to think about on a meta level like from AnnaJane's perspective: "oh my god Jared did really well for himself in Wakea and had major influence to where some people couldn't even notice, I wonder how he'll stack up against these all stars." I can feel myself back in that zone and coming into my own even in this field. To the point where these legends like Chris and Bryce and Sharky, I know deep down that I can play ball with them. Now, they may beat me at the end of the day and I may go home at some point, but I can understand even at this moment that I am probably top 3 if not the #1 best player here. Or at least I CAN be.

I want to zoom in on this and really get my shit together and take advantage of what is in front of me because with the game dynamics as they are, I can very clearly see myself as the winner. I need to keep doing what I'm doing, but at the same time make myself dissapear and be able to do this undetected.

My new strategy is called "fast and loose" because I'm going to get into these conversations, knock it out of the park and get out. Leave people feeling good about me every time I leave the room. I don't need to spend a ton of time working on anyone to the point they can tell what I'm doing. Calls? After tonight they are done. Not calling with anybody unless they ask. I want to be gaining social capital and influencing people's decisions without being detected so it has to be a hit and run.

I will reevaluate my position soon and probably recalculate my alliances, maybe I was wrong about Stephen and I need to get closer with him while no one else is. But at this moment I need targets going into the merge. That's how I'm gonna set it up. I want everyone to be shooting at each other and then at the key moment boom challenge advantage, boom idol, boom you gotta vote out Bryce can't vote for me, oh look I'm at the end.

Having the One World twist is so interesting because in a usual game when you don’t know everyone until you get to merge usually. You don’t know what’s going on, on the enemy tribe, you don’t know who’s inactive, who is starting drama or who is messy in challenges. Because you’re focusing all your social energy into your tribe alone so when someone you haven’t made contact with on the enemy tribe gets eliminated you think nothing of it. But here there are no walls, you can see and communicate with everyone and it’s in your best interest to focus your social energy into the one world chat because that’s what everyone else is doing. So my point in saying this is it’s now incredibly difficult to imagine having to lose 8 people before we get to the final 10. Because literally everyone is social, there are like two quiet people but everyone else you talk to on the daily and everyone is kicking ass in these challenges (except like two people). I think that’s why I keep thinking myself as an early out is because it’s so hard to imagine anyone else getting voted out. But fuck that I got shit to prove.

I can’t even begin to explain how it feels to have been immune for 10 days in a row. My glow up front wakea is real.

Bodhi wants to get the 4 of us OG Cyrena's in a majority alliance, which is super convenient bc we can just combine our alliances into one. Problem is? I would HATE to vote either Drew or Michael out, especially given Drew singlehandedly got us immunity this time. So if there was ever time for an immunity streak...

Also I keep forgetting to search for idols this is why I never find one

________________________________________________________________

Sharky is voted out 5-1.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

HELLO JOURNAL!

im doing better! I made a few mistakes today but it’s okay bc i own up to it! i chose to stay up late last night with jason and help him with his homework and honestly, i think my crush is going away, haha. mostly bc i was trying to give him advice last night and he just kept brushing it off and avoiding the problem. i also found out hes really bitter. i think it’s partly a result of angela’s attitude and her influence bc hes normally so selfless and grateful. thats part of the reason why i took a liking to him in the first place. but now hes just so bitter and i didnt really know what to say. i guess my words came off like a lecture. but i was just frustrated bc he seemed so unhappy with his situation but wasnt willing to do anything about it or own up to the problems at hand. and this is definitely me being swayed by my emotions and i want to process this and approach this in a more loving, compassionate, and understanding way. i know it sucks when the community feels cliquey and toxic and i really dont know what to say to him. i would be lying if i said i didnt want to leave bc of that last semester. but God showed me clear signs to stay and invest so i will. and it’s been tough but I trust that I am doing good work here. Earl keeps offering his church to me but I’m sticking with Lakeview. At least for now. I know that I am called to be here and maybe that will change in the future but for now, this is where God wants me to be and I intend to carry out His will. But I don’t think Jason had that calling. He just came and stayed bc it’s where he was introduced and by default, convenient. I don’t want him to leave bc I think he has a lot to give, especially regarding his unique experiences in a “worldly lifestyle” that many of us lack an understanding/exposure of. But I trust in you God. I think the best thing to do is to just genuinely pray for him.

Dear God,

I do really care about Jason as a friend and it’s been pretty rocky for him. But I remember how excited he was to share his life with me when we met up for bibimbap last time and it was so encouraging. He’s so selfless and cares so genuinely for others and I know that you are going to use those gifts in really powerful ways for your Kingdom. And I am so excited for him! But right now, he isn’t doing too well and you know his heart better than anyone. I think he is secretly longing for you but keeps falling victim to the temptations of the world and is just too afraid to face the reality of the situation. But I pray that you will warm his heart and let him know that you are here. Not even just near. You are here. Within his heart. And you’re never letting go. I don’t want Jason to think or assume we’re going to judge him for his negative habits. I like to think that I’m pretty understanding of that kinda stuff but the truth is, I’ve never done it either and I’m still a prude at the end of the day. But I don’t have any room to judge and I just really pray that he doesn’t feel so ashamed of his own habits and mistakes and even if he doesn’t feel comfortable coming forward and telling us, I pray above all else that he feels and knows that he can always come to you. You love to unconditionally and recklessly, Lord. And I pray that he would know that too.

I pray all this in your name,

Amen.

I only walked 7k steps yesterday and I was pretty disappointed :( I woke up just as the train was leaving the 47 red line station and decided to take the 55 bus from the next stop, Garfield instead. And the bus came quickly which was nice. A man and his daughter sat across from me and we generally minded our own business. And I don’t know if I was afraid of being judged or rejected or if I was just too tired and half awake, but once they got off, I saw a bag of food left behind and wanted to ask if it belonged to them. But I was too slow. So I got off at the next stop instead and started running back. I do wish I ran faster or just continued to run so that I could’ve caught them but I didn’t. I was admittedly a little nervous venturing into the area but I just kept praying in my mind for God to protect me and lo and behold, He came through! I didn’t end up finding them but left the bag at a soup kitchen and posted a status on Facebook trying to spread word instead. I don’t know why I did it. Was it to prove that I’m a good person to myself or Jason? Was it to make me feel good? i don’t know. But what matters is that I did it. I got off that bus when I could have just as easily stayed and let someone else deal with it and just gone home. I knew that I really wanted to do my laundry tonight too and walking home just delayed the whole process. But I did it anyway and got my steps in as I walked home. I could’ve taken the bus but I really wanted to push myself. The only thing is, it was super humid. But I did my best not to complain and just keep on forging on ahead. And I did it! I got way more extra steps in and I was pretty proud of myself. I’m finally catching up to my other friends on the map! >:D Hehehehe. 

Oh, also, on my way home, Edgar sent me a funny gif of a giraffe and hoped that my day would get better. I’m still not really sure what prompted that message but it was nice. I thought about my few mishaps and it helped me realize that I have grown. I would’ve definitely complained about my misfortunate immediately and documented it via snapchat in the past but i didn this time. i just owned up to it and moved on. i was lowkey freaking out that i hadnt actually grown at all while thinking on the bus ride home and pulled out my phone to distract me instead. but that message from Ed was a nice reminder and sign from God that I have changed and grown and become a better person.

I saw James Kang’s insta today and his post about how this past year has really sucked but how he continues to have faith in the Lord and I’m genuinely happy he’s doing well. And I only want to take the time to apologize to him for my behavior during high school. I was so judgmental, and quick to make assumptions at that. And I ruled with an iron fist. I didn’t know what he was going through or what his life had entailed. I just assumed it was sheltered and well off like everyone else but that doesnt seem to be the case, esp according to what he wrote about. And I do want to be there for him. Really. I’m very sorry James. And I can’t promise that I won’t judge or act out again because I’m still growing and am not yet in a place so stable where that is a firm possibility. But I want to continue to try and get there. Please support me along the way.

Jason messaged me while I was typing this earlier and I was surprised to see him make the first message instead of me always trying to get a response out of him. And I was glad but the butterflies I previously would’ve felt were significantly quieter. I think I’m basically over it at this point. But I do still want to be there for him as a friend. And I’m not so worried that I’m going to accidentally replace Angela either. I think I was before bc I liked him in a romantic way and did want something more but not anymore. Now I just want to be a good friend for him.

And finally, I finally asked for Andrew’s advice regarding how to approach taking care of my friends from HS since theyre all pretty depressed Especially Jude and Keylee and I don’t know what to do to help. And he basically just said to be there for them and continue to offer help, support, and encouragement. Even if it feels like it isn’t working, I never really know what’s going on in their heads and it could be making a difference. Lowkey, I was pretty afraid that Jude was going to kill herself and could not even begin coming to terms with that horrendous future. But I want to be there for her bc she means a lot to me and deserves the best. She’s led a pretty shitty life thus far just as a result of her mom and family life and it really breaks my hear whenever I see her view herself so poorly. But I hope that at the very least, I can continue to be there for her.

Thank you God.

I pray this all in your name, Amen.

P.S. I finished choreographing “My God is Powerful”! Or mostly at least. I want to film and watch how the moves flow with the song and then send that to Jenny. I was going to do that tonight but it’s already 12:14am now and I texted Michaela to see if she was a mistake so as to not disurb her and she never responded so she probably is. Hopefully I can wake up early tomorrow morning, do the dishes, and film the video. It’s unlikely but it’s what I’m hoping for.