#i only stayed alive so the next person wouldnt suffer even more.

[swagging-back-to]

literally the only reason i didnt hang myself in the psych ward bathroom or put a wash cloth over the drain and drown myself or drink the ink from my sharpie markers is because i didnt want them to remove the doors for the next person and take away even more of their freedom and privacy

[ganondoodle]

demise backstory (summary)

I didnt actually plan on wrtiting a summary of demises backstory (that i came up with, idk if its any good) but im realizing how long it will take me to draw it all, especially with job related things getting in the way all the time, so i guess im gonna post a badly summarised version of it right here right now, some things might change but thats always the case with my writing, nothings set in stone.

(please be aware that im not the best writer and didnt put much effort into this, it got longer than i thought but well meh :V ignore the typos, i wrote this at 1 am ;O; )

I didnt proof read anything, so this is a mess, anyway here goes nothin:

As far as i know, there have been multiple cases of hyrule having some sort of alternate mirror version of itself or just an alternate world somehow somewhere, so my personal idea about this is that demise WAS what hylia is for hyrule, a deity of protection. thats also where the whole inverted triforce symbols come from in my design for him, im not saying its lorule, but its definitely inspired by it to some degree. so they also had a triforce (here simply called "relics"), but it was split into the three pieces, for each of the three main nations/countries one, originally it was split like this as a way of sharing it equally AND to keep it safe, since if someone was to want the whole thing, theyd have to fight three different giant nations for it, which was thought as being pretty impossible.

as i said before, demise (might not have always been his name idk) was their deity of protection, he was there to keep the peace, to prevent the three countries from going after the relics themselves, tho he was always a cocky bastard he wasnt as destructive and hateful as he is now, back then he was still the servant of their gods after all. for a long long time he was successful at keeping everything as it was supposed to be, but of course, it cant go well forever, i dont have all the details yet but basically, those three nations started war after war, he was able to keep it from escalating for quite some time  but at some point, the people found out that if they destroyed his statues (just like hylias in canon) to prevent anyone from praying to him, he wouldnt know, at least, not immediately (my idea was that the statues are a sort of communication link to whatever their god was, so in ancient hyrule, if you prayed to one of hylias statues, and asked for her protection/help, she would know instantly and show up within seconds) 

alot of battles were fought without demise hearing anything about it, until someone found a statue that wasnt fully destroyed. when demise showed up however, the person had already died as they were wounded when fleeing from the battlefield. wondering how this all came to be he went to look for where that person came from, since if there was actual big trouble he should have known about it much sooner.  

he must have missed the biggest battle his world had ever seen, given the sheer size of it .. and the amount of corpses scattered all over it.

this only happened because of the greed of the people in power for the rest of the relics, which promised power, more power than they already had, plus who wouldnt want to know what happen if the relics were combined again, given how they've been seperated since the beginning. 

Fueled by anger and grief over how many people had lost their lives without him even KNOWING that a war of this size was happening, demise tried to ask the gods as to what he was supposed to do, how could he stop these needlessly cruel wars over something so small ? but the gods were silent. 

so he had to decide on his own, what was the best thing to do ? after careful consideration he couldnt think of anything else but to destroy the relics, after all, he could touch or use them himself as means to prevent him, as an already powerful deity, from falling for that greed for power, just like the inhabitants of his world did now.

the first one was the easiest, they didnt know his plan and let him wander their sacred halls with no second thought .. until he raised his sword once he stood in front of that cursed relic that led only to bloodshed and death. of course the news started to spread that their protector had apparently turned against them, some thought it was because they destroyed his statues, others because they thought he feared they would be more powerful than him once they gathered all the relics. on his way to destroy the second one he was met with resistance, but nothing he couldnt get through. the third one was a fight of an army against one deity. demise won, but not without killing some of the people he swore to protect .. and the only reason he was doing this, was for their own good.

after the deed was done, instead of everything getting better, it was getting worse. the people were more united than ever. against him that is. and the world fell apart. the oceans started to shrink, the winds would blow more harshly with each passing day, plants would wither away as if robbed of life before it began. demise was never overly beloved by anyone even back in the beginnings, but he could deal with them hating and resenting him, as long as they wouldnt go to war against each other, he was happy, more or less. what he couldnt handle was watching as his world started to die a slow and agozing death, right before his eyes, without him being able to do anything against it. and the gods stayed silent.

was it because he destroyed the relics ? were the gods mad at him for going against their orders and deemed it appropriate to punish him by having to watch the people suffer ?or was it that the gods that were bored of playing with this world and moved on to the next ?

he would never know the answer. 

the world died slowly over hundreds of years of painful suffering, desperately trying to to stay alive. even then the last remaining survivors knew him only as the destroyer of their world, responsible for their suffering. his former self wiped from memory, and only hate remained. 

after the last mortal died, the last tree withered and the oceans were gone. there was nothing left to guard, nothing left but the ruins of the past and the painful reminder of how this all came to be. the question of why it had to happen, was never answered, as the gods abandoned him and his world a long time ago.

in a fit of rage he sought to destroy the last temples, the once sacred places which inscriptions have long faded away and the place he once called his home, where he used to speak to his gods before they fell into this agonizing silence and as he drove his sword through the sculpted stones which once housed their voices, it split into two . ..

..and through the cracks blew a wind carrying the scent of a world that was still alive.

[viktormaru]

okay here’s my full character analysis??? Headcanons???? canon retelling with my shit slapped on??? on

VIKTOR LEAGUE OF LEGENDS

(under read more cause its gonna get long)

Viktor is said to be born in the borders of the Entresol level of Zaum (aka the middle), but I’m guessing that means the lower border because of how often he’d have to move or stay away from home due to accidents.

I assume Viktor had good parents. They were artisans and seemed to encourage his creative pursuits with robotics and so on. (I also believe he is trans and that his parents supported him in that as well haha).

So yes, we have this child who likes building things. And he lives in this place that is not healthy or safe for the people that live there. His parents probably go to the upper levels to work and Viktor gets a glimpse of a better place there. He sees where he’s at and at first, he is motivated by both kindness and frustration. He is a child with a passion and all these leaks and accidents are getting in the way! So he starts studying to see what he can do. Time passes though and he realizes the extent of those things, the casualities of those humam errors. So he takes his work more seriously and soon he is producing results. But of course no one takes a teen seriously, no matter how good he is.

Until someone does and it works. His inventions are good! So he keeps doing it! He’s awkward and socially anxious but he really LOVES building things so he does it and sells his work to the factories until he gets the attention of the Zaun academy of techmaturgy (this is canon btw). 

He goes into the academy and he’s.... awkward... Like, Zaun is full of weird people sure but Viktor is pretty bad at talking about anything but robotics and stuff and comes off as blunt often, so he’s kinda isolated by his peers. He doesn’t mind, he’s there to study. But professor stanwick approaches him with interest in his work and Viktor is happy he is recognized by a professional. He’s a little naive back then and trusts his teacher a lot. Which is why he is convinced to move to Piltover, despite a bit of his reluctance to leave his home. His parents wave him goodbye and he leaves.

He moves to Piltover and gets a better lab, more tools, more money and more people to help. His work just improves in time and he’s put to work with a lot of people. He once again fails incredibly of socializing properly and falls into isolation yet again (hello darkness my old friend). People end up working with him either because he’s really the best option or because they can stand him for the time he is needed {:- (

Well, that is, until he works with Jayce. Jayce is infurating and doesn’t do things the way Viktor likes doing and has this weird outlook on how things are done that sometimes just works despite it all. He’s a puzzle that doesn’t make sense and the two end up doing a lot of things together. And having a lot of discussions. A LOT of them. They are both kinda lonely. But its like.. they don’t dislike eachother?? Because they kind skipped some steps in how socializing usually goes so it just kinda worked. 

They could’ve kept going, getting comfortable in eachother’s spaces until they could just go out to chill together or something but neither of them was brave enough to try it (or smart enough to realize that could be good). 

But then at this time that awful chem spill happened in Zaun in the entresol level and Viktor rushes home to help.

I’d say this is where Viktor’s character starts like, solidifying I guess? Because I think for the first time, as a grown mature person, Viktor is seeing death and suffering with his own eyes. Death and suffering that could’ve been avoided. He’s watching all these people die and suffer and he can only do so much to repair the damage. If only it could’ve been avoided, could’ve been stopped. He knows it’s possible. Why didn’t anyone do it? 

He doesn’t find his parents either.

So he spends the next several months throwing all his energy and sanity into doing whatever he can to help these people. He builds blitzcrank and they fix evertyhign they can. It’s a fucking CHEM spill, can you imagine just how AWFUL it all was?? people were dying for several weeks after the accident , even after the damage to the structures were already fixed. These people were slowly suffering around him and he was trying and they kept dying around him. These are workers, families. It’s a pretty bad situation.

He learnes how to infuse mechanical parts with flesh in an astonishing way just to try to replace the rotten, sick parts of the people around him. Get rid of the parts that were kiling them.

And then! He finally goes back to Piltover, after it all, and the first thing he gets is the news that Stanwick stole credits on his invention of Blitzcrank.

Like.. the emotional toll of it all? He’s tired! He’s burdened with the ammount of death he saw and people wanna be shitty and play games like that for glory and fame! It’s stupid and he doesn’t understand it! He tries to fight for his right and loses because no one really bothered to support him through it (Jayce didn’t think he’d really have to and would you look at that).

He’s angry and upset and grieving and possibly traumatized. He keeps wondering why would people do that to eachother and comes up empty. So he’s here, obsessing with replacing every part of human error to garantee that people WILL live. Of course, he’s more isolated then ever and people don’t bother to sit down and listen, they just think he’s weird and obsessed and stuff like that.

So when he needs to do the colaboration on the dive suits with Jayce and they have their fight about free will, people side with Jayce quickly. They think Viktor is mad and they had seen it coming miles away. 

He gets fucking expelled from the Piltover academia and sent back to Zaun.

To his ruined home, alone, with nothing but his name and his thoughts.

Clearly that leads him into a deep depression. After all, he lost everything but he doesn’t understand why ! because sure these people in piltover like acting high and mighty and theorizing and politicizing but they didn’t have to watch children crying because they were coughing so much blood was coming out because their lungs were corroded and they wouldnt last another week. They thought viktor was mad. 

And viktor had a lot of time to wallow over it, and think about his failures and suffer on his own and he’s actual conclusion is that negative emotions ( envy, pride, sadness) clouded people’s judgemetns. They’d let others suffer for their own gain out of fear of losing. 

He thought that himself feeling sadness was just another obstacle to do what he had to: save people.

So he basically starts operating on himself until he can barely feel emotions anymore, removing his own happiness with it (but its not like he felt it anyway so what difference did it make). And then he starts plunging into work like never before, dedicated to this new cause that is the glorious evolution. He starts again from the bottom and once again he rises, because Viktor is a genious, and he is honest in his work, in his intentions. He wants to help.

 People were scared of the Mad Man Viktor, but Viktor would do anything he could to save you if you came to him. He understood limits though, he never imposed over people. Do no harm, as they say ( what would be the point of doing that?? )

And then the other toxic even happens in Sump, another really bad one, and Viktor rushes in to help. He’s keeping these people alive in his lab but he knows he doesnt have the power to keep them so. So he goes to Jayce after an energy source.

He thinks Jayce will listen to him now, now Viktor isn’t emotive and easily hurt, now he isn’t insecure, he has a cause, he has something he fights for. A brighter tomorrow.

And Jayce calls him mad. 

Viktor is kind of dissapointed, he’d think Jayce, who has always been so uncaring of people’s opinion’s would at least try to understand. He doesn’t. So he takes the crystal by force from Jayce (petty arguments can be saved for later, those people on his lab needed him NOW).

When Jayce follows him there with a hammer he understands the stakes. 

One life against hundreds is an easy math. Viktor chooses to sacrifice Jayce (Jayce chose to come here after all)

But then Jayce actually destroys his lab.

And like... imagine waking up to your laboratory destroyed, just dozens of corpses of innocent people laying around. yet another failure, yet another big price to pay.

He has to start from zero again. His reputation is completely stepped on ( he is truly crazy now by everyone’s eyes) and Jayce is a hero. Blitzcrank sticks around for a little while, moved by the same passion to help people, but blitzcrank can stand the deaths and the gruesomeness of viktor’s work, he leaves to try to help in other ways. Viktor lets him of course, blitz has free will and he isn’t anyone to stop him. 

Some people, desperate people, still come to him for help. He does his best to give them what they need. A strange cult forms and idolizes him, he hates it, he is no god, he is just another man. People thinking of him as an etheral being just proves his theory on how fear and wayward emotions lead to dumb, dangerous mistakes.

In the end, Viktor is trying to cheat suffering, cheat death at all costs.

I don’t believe he sent any golems or anything after Jayce, vengence is way too beneath him. Stealing? Maybe not, depends. I think Jayce became a bit paranoid after “defeating” viktor. Because Viktor said some big words and Jayce is suddenly realizing that truly, he has no purpose. He’s just a useless tool. He makes things sure, but what for? He’s raised as a hero but damn he doesn’t feel like it.

And to end it all, this is why I think Ekko and Viktor should sit down and chat at some point. They are so similar and so different all at once. They both love Zaun and its people, they both wanna protect them and have a passion for inventing. But while Viktor wants to reject his human side to achieve his goals, Ekko embraces it. Like, I don’t think Viktor shouldn’t even be his mentor, more like his colleague. Ekko is his own person and has a different way of doing things, but they could do a lot together as well. 

Also Ekko and Blitz are totally friends in canon so like.. yeah.. Zaun for life....

Anyway this is it thank tou all for reading this is UUUH like 1,8k words long 

extras or stuff I already said and will say again:

viktor is trans

he was an anxious yet hopeful (and maybe a bit naive) teenager

he still loves sweet things and thats canon.. he likes chilling sometimes

workaholic as seen

blames himself for literally everything like a dumbass

is kinda of very afraid of death in general

is not the kind of person that steals children to experiment on them cmon guys thats propaganda

is embarrassed of the cult following him

i guess he doesnt have his whole left arm anymore, chop chop it went

USED braces as  kid

loves blitzcrank like a son, doesnt realize it

I think thats all, sorry yall

[sunnyvaiprion]

Don't know if you notices this yet, but Reinhardt is also has same English V.A. with the Demon Emperor/Mateus from FFII/Dissidia and his attack always being "Suffer" "Run amok!" and "An Insect defeat the emperor?" I can imagine that Julius see him as evil because of this loloolol. sorry if I just too random ; w ;

Pfft nah, not too random. Though, I really dont know much about FF fandom (and the fans make it sound like it’s trice as confusing as Homestuck, so I feel like it’s a little late for me to get into that…) but the idea that Julius sees Reinhardt “as evil” not entirely because of what he did himself, but more of someone else/his imagination is … believable. In fact, I’ll talk about my headcanons about this.

 As we all know, Julius began loathing Reinhardt because he suspected that he might have romantic feelings for Ishtar. I understand, Julius doesnt strike you as the most forgiving person in Jugdral but… god, that’s way too petty if you ask me (I mean, even in heroes Rein is one of exactly 3 people he mentions, right besides Seliph and Julia), in his position, did he really have no like… real problems?? Unless he though that it WAS a real problem.     

 I honestly love Yandere cliche. I could imagine Julius being like that… if he wasnt a god knows how old dragon at heart. I’m not saying he wasnt attached to Ishtar at all, but compared to the lenght of his life (at least how he imagined it), she wouldnt stay for long either way. It’s true that he also needed her, because having the next person in line for Loptyr to possess (if he dies) as soon as possible would be convenient but… it’s not like he caught her cheating or anything. Honestly there were no real indications of her leaving him any time soon, or, in fact, ever… but something else could happen. What if Rein wasn’t a threat to his relationship with Ishtar. What if he could be a threat to him?

 As Julius knew… humans are incredibly cruel, greedy, despicable creatures which would slit each other’s throats without much consideration, should it bring them closer to whatever goals they have. And, to be honest, that was just a common practice he observed, he had all reasons to believe in it. And for someone of such nature, granted Julius had something so valuable to him in his possession… Reinhardt was awfuly calm about it. Surely, he knew that he has not a single chance with Ishtar as long as he, Lord Julius, is alive. But Rein’s attitude didn’t prove that he didn’t want to take that approach, but instead, that he was a smart enough to know he coudln’t confront him… at the time. 

 Obviously, some random person with it’s worthless ambitions wouldn’t even bother Julius… but this particular one had way too much privileges and influence to just ignore. For a human being he’s respectably strong, he had a motive, he had tools, and he was probably already creating an opportunity. He was also one of the very few people in power to, in fact, sway Ishtar’s unconditional trust in Julius, albeit over time. In situations like that, you better strike first…

 …Though, was it actually a realistic problem? Mmm, absolutely no, Julius just made that up. Reinhardt wouldn’t go for his head, even if he actually wanted to. It’s not what you do to people important to you!… But Julius couldn’t know this.

On the side note, Reinhardt is often noted to look similar to Thurd (despite having no blood relations to the noble family of Friege) and his actual combat skills only support that opinion, so… that’s additional annoying thing about him in ab eyes of a person who lost his empire to those crusaders.

So there, you have it. 

[langst-wins]

the last thing i'm gonna say about voltron, unintentional queerbaiting, and major s8 plotholes, and then imma shut up and let y'all be free from my long bitch ass s8 posts so we can get back to regularly scheduled klance fanfics & fanarts

yes, they queerbaited us with shiro as rep. not in the sense that he wasn't queer but in the sense that they hyped us up for his relationship with adam, made us think we were gonna see an adashi reunion, and we ended up getting like 90 seconds top of LGBT content over the entire series.

no, I highly doubt they did it intentionally. yes, they did admit they fucked up and apologized several times. yes, I appreciate the apology and I understand that they're human beings and people make mistakes and overlook things sometimes. like they said, they never meant to make anyone feel baited. they really thought they were going to get a good response. lauren called voltron a "learning experience" in the open letter to the fandom after s7. I think she meant learning experience in general ofc but I think she also meant they've learned how to and how not to do LGBT rep in a show.

but I will absolutely be taking any promises of LGBT rep from lm and jds with a grain of salt. i will absolutely be watching their future works from afar and not getting myself too invested until the series ends and I can watch it as a whole while knowing what to expect.

I dont think they MEANT harm but y'all...they fucked up. they know it, and they apologized. it shows maturity that they apologized in that open letter after s7 and at the final nycc panel, and again, I appreciate that.

but I would rather they have not said anything about LGBT rep, ever, and just let gay shiro be a nice surprise. then, the minimal rep we received would have been wonderful and a nice warm surprise instead of a huge disappointment. it was only a disappointment because it didn't live up to the hype they made for it. and I know the hype was partially due to marketing they had no control over, but it was absolutely partially them, too.

they didn't promise LGBT content in LoK and canon korrassami ended up being a nice surprise even though it was minimal. that was how they SHOULD have done shiro's sexuality if they knew it was going to be a small thing. I would rather they have kept their lips zipped about LGBT, not announced gay shiro ahead of time, and just it be what it was when seasons 7 and 8 came out.

again, I dont think the bait was intentional, but it was bait all the same.

you are not crazy or too sensitive if your feelings are hurt/you feel baited by this show. you are not a shitty person if you just dont trust them right now. dont let people tell you otherwise. it's okay to take a step back from their work and wait to see how their next show plays out before you get involved.

i really do love voltron, even though s8 was confusing af, seasons 1-7 were LIT. I enjoy bits and pieces of s8 but mostly it was a let down. not only because of rep, just because a lot of things didn't make sense to me and a lot of the problem solving just felt way too convenient.

like I feel like every conflict in the plot was resolved way too easily and/or in ways that didnt make sense. and I feel like most of the characters' futures in the credits didnt really match up to those characters personalities. specifically lance, hunk, and keith.

lance staying on earth with his family, spreading allura's message to carry on her legacy? makes perfect sense, valid af. lance becoming a farmer? not so much. I feel like he would have been better suited as teaching classes as a pilot instructor at the garrison or smth similar. altean lance still gave me whiplash and left me confused af but he looks so damn 👌👌👀👀🙌🙌😭 with his cute ass altean marks that I'm just gonna let that one go for the sake of aesthetic.

hunk becoming a chef? not ooc necessarily but I feel like he would have been better suited as a diplomat. y'know. ambassador to earth sort of thing.

keith aiding in recovery efforts and being a humanitarian (...alien-itarian...? idk). okay let's be real we all knew this edgy boi has a soft ass heart. I think hes just mature enough now to let his walls come down and not be afraid of caring ig. which is sweet and nice and all. but I feel like he wouldnt...JUST be doing that. like he would still want the battle and the adrenaline and the badass mf fight sequences. that's kinda his Thing.

shiro marrying a rando? I would have preferred adam to not die and them end up getting back together once shiro returned to earth. i just feel like there was no reason to kill off adam? shiro has already suffered so much, what was the point? but i'm not gonna hate on curtis bc we dont know jackshit about him and for all we know he could be a bombass dude. shiro looked happy tho and it's better than him being forever alone so I can hesitantly accept that ig. but on one condition and one condition only: their ship name must be shirts. if their ship name is not shirts then I dont want it

allura's death was pointless. i havent seen anyone disagree with this one so far. her life was full of suffering and then she died. like can we all just agree she was done dirty and it was entirely unnecessary.

dont come @ me with "you just dont like s8 bc your ship wasnt canon"

that's not it at all.

they could have made this season so amazing and still not have made klance canon. they could have left me disappointed in no klance but still happy because the finale made my heart go dynamite BOOM. I could have ended the last episode with no canon klance and still been smiling because the plot was bitchin' and the characters were all alive and happy.

but they didnt, so I wasnt. it just...wasnt a good season. it had good aspects, yes, but as a whole? meh.

season 8 was poorly handled. it really was. it had so much potential to end with EVERY character having a positive ending and still have an actual satisfying conclusion to the war. I know they wanted to show how heavy and serious and heartbreaking the war actually was, but you can make an emotional, heavy finale without killing off a main character and leaving her main character love interest lonely and grieving. like im sorry killing allura and leaving lance sad and lonely was not necessary at all to the plot it just flat out wasnt. they did those characters dirty and they did allurance shippers even dirtier.

allurancers cheered seeing their ship canon then had it ripped out from under them and my heart honestly grieves worse for my allurance and allura stan fam than my klance fam. they did y'all so wrong and i'm sorry it had to go down like that.

sheith shippers got fucked over when all that development and relationship and growth culminated into basically nothing in the final season. like as a broganes stan even i was taken aback by the sudden radio silence between them so I cant imagine how let down actual sheith shippers feel.

us adashi shippers? obvious. adam's death was not necessary. and dont tell me it was to show the heaviness and realness of death in war because vld does NOT have a track record of dead characters staying dead. they could have at least gave us some mild development with shirts (lmfao im so sorry but shirts) and let us see more of curtis as a character. like...literally just two 60 second scenes would have been nice. they could have easily fit that in.

us klancers got fucked over by unnecessary parallels to canon ships. they could have made it a cute platonic friendship in s8 and let us enjoy it and proceed to enjoy fanon klance without all those blatant parallels to shay/hunk that just left us confused. and the parallels in earlier seasons. like why did you have to make so many parallels to romantic moments and romantic tropes if it was platonic. why did you have to go and do that. what was the point.

s8 could have ended in such a way that shippers of every ship in the fandom were satisfied with the finale because their faves were treated right and the plot was fire. it had so much potential in the first half and could have been so damn good.

it wasnt though. the entire thing was so confusing and nothing about it felt like vld. It feels like a spin off or a reboot. I dont like s8 as a whole and I doubt I ever will. it might grow on me in time but I'll never fully like it, y'know. everything about it felt so tilted and off and just wrong.

but it really just be like that sometimes ig.

[mags-love4ever]

Karen 3.10

I wanna talk how I dont for a second really blame Karen about Kevin´s death. And I get WHY she blames herself and it makes sense to the character and the show storyline but for me, she needs to forgive herself and I TRULY HOPE MATT (and Foggy) will help on that!

* So, Karen is 19 years old and Kevin was 16... in the dinner scene she mentions “This place has been going down for YEARS” , that makes me think that her mother had been dead for 2 years or so... meaning that she was 16, or 17 then and Kevin was like 14,,, I can see a 16 years old girl so HURT AND ANGRY because her mother was gone but instead of having the HELP AND SUPPORT from her father... He could just NOT SEE his children´s needs, he could only see his pain and his suffering, he was that selfish.

So KAREN had to be the mom, she had to take care of her little brother AND HER FATHER with mom gone... a teenager, with emotional problems of her own but she didnt have time or NO ONE to take care of those.

“Mom used to do everything around here...NOW I HAVE TO...”

She had to take care of EVERYTHING... again, we are talking about a girl from 16/17 to 19 years old..! - and you can see in the episode that her father puts ALOT of pressure on her, and HOW the job is done. He is not just ok with her doing, it had to be done perfectly or like HE wanted it,

She had to give up on HER DREAMS, on what SHE WANTED for her life and future! 

She would GIVE HERSELF UP for her family, or what it was left of it...

She couldnt just LEAVE THEM... she wouldnt.

Also I believe because her brother was young and if she left, would her father man up and take care of him? or would he do to Kevin what HE DID TO KAREN when she was 16? - She was too nice, too affraid to leave as a question, she would not leave her baby brother with her selfish father.

 A FATHER that not only couldnt see her pain, her struggles or her brothers OR HIS FREAKING WIFE´s true dreams and wishes, he could not freaking see ANYONE BUT HIMSELF? Talk to me about being blind... BUT he was actually was incredible rude and INSENSITIVE towards Karen... sexist if I have to say... she was a girl, so SHE DIDNT HAVE A SAY even if SHE TOOK CARE OF THE WHOLE PLACE..!!!

And this part of the scene MAKES ME SO ANGRY,,,

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS PIECE OF SH*T!!!???? - He not only ignores his daughters wishes, overworkers and makes her responsable of taking care of her little brother AND THE WHOLE PLACE... He buys shit they cant afford and PRETENDS FOR HER TO FIX IT... its also HER JOB to fix his FREAKING POOR DECISIONS!!! 

You can totally see the anger, the frustration in all over her face...she wants to scream, she wants to run for her life but she cant. she wont.

She was  A KID, being mistreated, being ABUSED by her father... she didnt want that for her life, she wanted to leave, she hated that small town but she couldnt , SHE WAS TRAPPED THERE. so whats the most common way of teenager to act out? Yeah, seeing bad boys and doing drugs... can you blame her? I feel soffocated just thinking about her situation!

- The ACCIDENT...

She finally stood up for herself, she spoke her truth, her mothers truth  and her sweet little brother did something as STUPID as burning  your sister´s drug dealer boyfriend´s trailer and STAY THERE FOR HIM TO FIND YOU...

She even shots her boyfriend TO SAVE her brother Kevin! - She was scared and nervous and SHE NEEDED TO GET  OUT OF THERE... Yeah, not being sober, CLEARLY didn help but what OPTIONS did she really had? - Would have she acted DIFFERENT if she WAS SOBER?

This is heartbreaking, poor Kevin... but She Would NOT JUST LEAVE... She was not about to do it. She was going to FIX IT. She always does. 

and SHE DOES NOT ABANDON THE PEOPLE SHE LOVES (MATT)

 In my eyes, EVERYTHING that happened was just circumtastial ...  Her dad was an IDIOT, his actions, his abuse behavior towards her made her take poor decisions as taking drugs, her sweet brother as an INTENT to protect her / saver her made a stupid MISTAKE too, her dick boyfriend was to freaking KILL her brother... all of that, was not on her! - Taking drugs that night, driving the care... yeah, maybe but...

what Kevin said “Ive already lost mom” ,,,bringing up their dead mom to this whole mess... she CLEARLY was not over her death, neither was Kevin (they clearly didnt have HELP on dealing with it, thanks to their father!). So bringing her up, saying that , it really was a stab in Karen´s heart... it was split of second, it was ONE FUCKING SECOND and it all went down.

My big question is... was it really her fault? and even, was it really about the drugs? 

I feel that could have happened WITHOUT the drugs being involve perfectly. 

Its not like she was drugged and went straight to a tree or another car or something... He said SOMETHING PAINFUL, and she got distracted, one second with her eyes out of the road and that was it. 

I fee that could have happened to a SOBER person. 

Maybe just me, but I dont really blame her AT ALL ... And I understand why she feels guilty, because she didnt leave because of guilt but when she says “I killed him” or even putting it next to killing Wesley sounds a bit much to me.

This annoys the hell out of me too...

Her asshole of father, BLAMES HER and even bring up her mother, trying to make her feel EVEN WORSE... 

And no, let me tell ya... if her mother was alive, Karen wouldnt have gotten into drugs in the first place, and Kevin wouldnt have try to PROTECT HER... so yeah, if they had a REAL GOOD PARENT, none of that would have happened!

If her father could take his head out of his ass and instead of seeing HIS NEEDS AND HIS PAIN only but actually comfort his kids and be a good guide and support system to them, Kevin would be alive and they would still be a family. -

If Kevin didnt die, Karen would probably still be in that damn town or dead herself.

So in that moment he kicks her ,,, He was still angry, needed time to process everything... 

But NO, even 14 YEARS LATER... 14 LONG YEARS, he still does not take one piece of responsability for what happened... he STILL blames it all on her!

 and only that, he doesnt give a shit if she almost died, or if she is still in danger,  BUT HE ACTUALLY MAKES SURE to make her feel guilty, small and bad...

“Its what you do, Karen”

Oh boy, I wanna punch him!

and Then people say she was reckless in going to see FISK, SHE COULDNT CARE ABOUT HER LIFE! - She lost Matt, her job, Ellison, she felt guilty about the bulletin shoot and her FATHER MADE SURE she believe it was all her fault, Because thats she does... she is a “bad person” that only brings misery to this world... would she let Fisk kill more innocent people or get to Matt or Foggy..? NO. of course NOT, even if she had to die trying.

Anyways, I HATE HER FATHER... Didnt you notice?

Im just happy she has MATT and Foggy in her life. They love her and care for her and know who SHE REALLY IS!!

 THEY are her family, her home... her future husband and their best friend. WE LOVE A TRIO ! 

[bunchamunchafaunus]

The Rise of a Ventian Queen [2]: The Next Step

“So, Peri.”

Hearing her name got the worried woman’s attention drawn from her bedridden friend to the man behind her. A raised brow curious what he wanted, such only getting stronger seeing him pat at the floor beside him.

“Come tell me some stories of Team Empress while we wait for her to recover.”

Such a simple request actually got the Komodo laughing. She wasn’t sure why she had expected anything else, but for some reason it caught her off guard. It only took another glance back to the slumbering Qilin to realize they were going to have to wait for a fair while before she’d wake. They definitely had time to relax, especially given she was sure the NeverCondor would take to the skies to get away from the canyon once it could.

So she did just that. Stepping back till she felt her back eased to the wall by her tail keeping her from just outright falling against it, she found herself on the metal ground beside her friend’s father figure. Taking in a breath to relax herself as she let her shoulders drop at last. Tail curling round to fit it’s thinner end under her legs.

“Well to start, I think I gotta mention she was the most awkward person out of everyone in the room the night before our entrance exam. No lie, she just kept looking over everyone in some awestruck state for about an hour at least while people came in and out of the room.”

The two laughed some, Peri recalling the silly look that had been on Emma’s face back then, Umbir imagining it.

Knowing they were in for some fun chatter, they made themselves comfortable and began. Not too long after would they feel the engines of the NeverCondor roaring to life and the large metal vessel leaving the ground and beginning to soar.

                                                   - One Day Later -

P - P a p a...

S h i t! E m m a!

Ringing.

L a y  h e r  h e r e!

Silence.

Darkness.

Was she?

No, no, she was still hearing noises here and there. So very faint and muffled, but they were there. Familiar voices, laughter, beeping... snoring? She was still so warm too. She had to be alive, right? Yeah, yeah, she had to be. From everything she knew, she’d be cold if she wasn’t.

For some time it was just this empty void. The odd sound so faint and muffled here and there, but nothing all too loud or obvious. Just the constant wonder of what might have happened to her and what would come to pass. It got to the point she was actually starting to worry, trying her best to have something, anything change. Yet nothing did, no matter what she tried.

Though something eventually changed, a small, tiny little dark orange light breaking the darkness. One that would change to fit a form, a humanoid figure. Instantly she knew what it was, and felt herself calm with it’s presence quickly. But that calm would suddenly be shaken up, hearing a voice. One that was clear, one she never heard before. A woman’s voice, low, echoing, comforting. One single sentence being spoken by it.

“I am proud of you”

The source of this voice disappearing soon after, leaving her alone in the quiet darkness once more. But this would not last long before the Qilin felt herself falling. Such a sudden sensation causing fear and panic to fill her, making her body jerk and flail for a single second as she sat up and found herself awake, staring at a wall judging by what she could now see her aura flowing up. Her breathing being long, deep breaths as she took in the situation.

Aching and sluggish body, left leg felt better but right knee still stings, a slight pinch in left arm, the sudden moving form of a person with a blue aura running past her view. The left side of which showed nothing defined when they saw the other living being, just a messy uncontrolled pattern of blue spread across a whole half her vision. Blinking a few times, she could tell her aura was switching from it’s default navigational assistance to the protective layer and back each time. Eventually stopping, closing her eyes, and focusing it to it’s defensive capabilities before letting it ease back to it’s usual sight-providing action. Finally staying as such whenever she blinked afterward.

“Emma!”

The Princess’ head turned immediately upon having the ever so familiar voice register to her, seeing the umber form of her father figure standing in what seemed to be a doorway. Plus some slight peek of a friendly red aura just around the door-frame beside him though it would duck back to be hidden as she saw the man draw closer. Soon after feeling his arms wrap ‘round her upper body and his cheek against the top of her head.

She wanted to return the embrace, but her body felt slow, heavy even, much more than she was used to. It even hurt some to try and move anything beyond how her body was now after having awoken so suddenly. Though she was sure she could manage speaking at the very least, so she cleared her throat before attempting to.

“Papa?” Her voice a little rough, but she still spoke. Not getting an answer right away, she could feel his arms move and saw his form begin lowering some. Soon seeing the shape of the man’s head as he had dropped to one knee in front of her so she wouldn’t have to turn her own head up so high.

“Yes, Lil’ Filly?”

That nickname again, she wasn’t sure whether to feel comfort hearing it again or to be annoyed by it and say she wished she hadn’t woken up as a joke. Quickly deciding against the later.

“What-... What happened? After what I did?”

“Well, assuming you remember up to the point I signaled the NeverCondor to fire, they got the two shots off. The destroyed rocks and trees from the blast on the cliff and the mountain began falling down into the canyon, but I’m pretty sure you somehow managed to stretch out your Semblance’s range because it all stopped mid-air and began spreading out across the width of the canyon itself. Once the Goliaths were getting right under the debris, it began dropping. Some hit the first two, the rest began falling on the next two, but all the stuff that you had circling the three of us quickly sped up and began being loosed in the direction of the front two Goliaths. The barrage forced them to start moving backward, thus suffering the rest of the falling debris like the two behind them. Four Goliaths were pinned beneath all sorts of rocks and trees, likely dead, and the Grimm on the far side were blocked off.”

Hearing it back from Umbir, Emma was sure she had been awake for the events he recalled. Her own mind replaying the sounds she had heard at the time. The thunderous gunfire from the Airship, the trumpeting sounds of the Goliaths, stone hitting stone, she was sure of it. “What about after that?”

“After the wall of debris settled, you collapsed. You had exhausted the vast majority of your aura to the point that you couldn’t stay awake. The Dust crystal you had used fell from your hands, depleted, and the winds around us started to die down. With the remains of the Grimm horde that were on our side starting to move again, I had Peri take you and get you into the NeverCondor.  I ran back on my own, the turrets were manned, cannons recharged or reloaded, and the majority of what we still had to worry about of the horde was destroyed. Once enough was gone, we took to the skies. We’re settled above the ocean right now.

“How long was I out, Papa?”

“I wasn’t exactly paying attention to the time, but judging by the position of the sun compared to how it was when you lost consciousness, it’s almost been a full twenty-four hours.”

Twenty-four hours, it felt like she had been in that dark space for so much longer than a single day. One shaky inhale later, the name he had mentioned snapped back to her mind, making Emma move in sudden worry, despite the pain she felt by doing so and the wince it earned from her. A noise which got her father figure immediately rising to stop her from moving too much and carefully lay her back down.

“What about Peri, where is she?”

“She’s fine, Emma. Your teammate’s a wonderful young woman who cares a lot about her friends. Peri was actually by your side for the first few hours, it took telling her about how strong you were during your recovery after Samuel grabbed your neck that one time to get her to calm down, eat, and get some rest. She’s still asleep since she used up quite a bit of her own aura against that horde as well.”

To hear the Komodo was safe and resting eased the Qilin’s worry for the other. Sighing with relief as she let her head press back against the pillow.

“I’m gonna have to face them now that I’m here aren’t I? Make sure all those people aren’t scared about him finding them and ruling them like Manus did so they don’t attract Grimm like that again.”

Umbir chuckled a little. “It’s actually kind of funny that you mention it. There’s some soldiers who were loyal to Cres, now loyal to me, out side this room right now. They insisted on standing guard outside the Medical bay to make sure you’d be safe while you were out.”

This revelation was... odd... to say the least. Emma was so sure she would never be able to successfully fill any Royal role for so long in her life. Then she announced herself to dozens of Nobles as the Princess she was by blood, making word spread of her living state after having been thought dead for a good while. Now, she had people looking to her to be their Queen. People from her own place of birth. Ventian civilians and soldiers both. She didn’t feel ready to accept the role they needed her to play, but if she didn’t, she knew the events of the previous day would eventually happen again.

Maybe even to a much, much worse degree.

“Either way we look at it, I can’t really move right now can I?” She remarked with a little chuckle behind her words. A sound which Umbir repeated on his end at the inquiry.

“No, not really. Not without it hurting a lot since you’re body’s still recovering from such a heavy dip in aura. Maybe tomorrow you’ll be able to move around better again. Plus your legs could use just a bit more rest. The cut on your left was shallow, but it was long, and the scrape to your knee was a lot worse, so even with another day of your Qilin genetics healing that up it’s going to be sore when you try to walk on it again.”

“Okay ‘DAD’. I’ll stay in bed...!” A joke reply, but one that both parties laughed at.

“It’s nice to know you’ve still got that childish side to you after all this time and all the hardships you’ve faced, Emma. I’ll go get you some water.”

The Qilin simply nodded in thanks for the man’s concern and care, letting herself relax and her eyes close for a moment while she listened to his footsteps leaving the room. A shuffle of a couple other metal clad feet outside the room moving to clang together before stepping to what she assumed was a basic defensive stance for the Soldiers she had been informed of.

Over the next few hours, Umbir would come and go from the room. The two speaking over various different topics and points of her experiences ever since she had left Ventus so long ago. At one point even getting Peri up and visiting Emma to see how everything was going. The three of them conversing and interacting for a fair while longer before one-by-one people left the Medical bay for the night leaving Emma to rest on her own.

It was about noon the next day when the Qilin’s friend and teammate would enter the Medical bay with a set of new, clean clothes in a bag for her.

“Big day today for ya, Em’.” The woman remarked making her way toward the Qilin’s bedside. As she did, she watched the young woman atop the bed adjusting to an up-right seated position with a smile across her face. “Roy and I made sure to get something that looks real fancy.”

“Roy’s with you?”

“Well not right now, no, he went to talk with Umbir about something, but I did drag him along for the clothes.”

“You didn’t get something that’s all show without any comfort did you...?”

“Oh hell no, I know well enough that we tailed Faunus need clothes that are comfortable over everything else. Stuff’s real soft on the skin and still looks nice. I’m not gonna say you’re going to be comfortable mentally or emotionally while you’re up in front of your people, but at the very least you will be physically.”

Lifting the bag in her hand, Peri placed it down into Emma’s lap. “A nice white button-up top with a black knee-length skirt that has purple floral patterns, some white thigh-high socks, and a purple ribbon that can be tied into a bow under your collar or you can tie back your hair with it. I’ve got you~ Now go ahead and get dressed, I’ll be waiting outside.”

“Thank you, Peri.” Emma spoke with a soft thankful tone  while the Komodo was close enough to still hear. Watching on afterward while the woman’s red form would leave the room, leaving her alone in it again. Taking a second, she made sure to pull the curtain by the foot of her bed ‘round to hide her from view of the door to the room.Once with more privacy provided, she shifted to get off the bed on the far side to begin changing her clothes. Taking a second of pause noticing her necklace was absent from around her neck.

About five minutes would come to pass before Peri and the four soldiers standing ‘round the door as protective guard for the Royal within the Medical Bay would hear the door open. A second later seeing the Qilin step out from the room within the newly provided clothing. The bag in hand containing the clothes she had changed out of, and the purple ribbon in her hand. Tail behind her finding itself dropping low and pressing against her leg with uncertain worry about the situation.

The four Soldiers, upon seeing her come to a stop, would turn to face her directly. A single stomp being done as they would, unknown to Emma, salute to her. Peri on the other hand could see that the three men and one woman had their right hands raised and placed diagonally across their chest while their left was tucked behind the small of their backs.

Taking a second, the Royal looked around to the four unfamiliar aura forms that surrounded her. A rather nervous smile present upon her face that all present could see clearly. After a couple seconds of silence, one of them would clear their throat before speaking. The sound drawing Emma’s foggy eyes to the unknown person immediately to her left before their pale yellow form in her eyes would lower to a knee.

“Your Highness, Melo Grove, I used to serve the late Queen Cres rather closely.” A soft woman’s voice quickly introduced herself. “I’m unsure of whether Sir Dew has mentioned it directly to you yet, but Cres truly did regret forcing you out of Ventus. For the past few years especially she searched for any sort of sign that you were alive in hopes of eventually meeting you in person and apologizing for her actions. When word spread among nobles across Remnant that you were present at the Duke of Coste’s charity event, she was ecstatic to know you were alive and well.”

What the Soldier said, while not entirely new to the Qilin as she had, indeed, heard some of it from Umbir, was appreciated. If not for the fact it contained some new information, then because it came from a voice which sounded so genuine and confirmed what her father figure had told her. Still, even with how she felt, there was the whole fact that being treated the way she was by these four was entirely new territory. A short glance to Peri for some sort of assistance just earning a shrug to the red shoulders of her friend’s figure.

“I-...” Focusing her attention back to Melo, she swallowed a nervous lump that had formed in her throat. Stepping closer to the kneeling woman, she shifted the lone ribbon to the same hand holding the bag as to clear one up for freedom of use. Then bringing that same hand up to gently rest on the woman’s shoulder, which caused their head to rise and she could feel their eyes on her once more. She noticed now a soft vibration of anxiety in the pale yellow form. One she attempted to ease by giving a soft, more confident smile.

“Th-Thank you, Melo. It-uh... it comforts me knowing Queen Cres wished no ill will towards me during the last years of her life. I-... I’m not sure how well I’ll be able to fill her shoes since I honestly never really expected to be doing... well.. any of this honestly, but I hope that we may work together as well.”

It was obvious to the four that the Royal they were currently looking to wasn’t exactly used to any of this. That despite how unsure of herself she sounded, the Qilin was trying her best. They could all respect that, immediately feeling much more comfortable with her as the one they would soon follow. Melo herself now giving a wide smile as she looked up at Emma.

“I would be honored to work alongside you, Your Highne-”

“Emma, please...”

“Emma... I look forward to serving you.”

Seeing the woman’s head bow again, the Royal watched her soon rise to her feet again.

“Is there anything we may do for you... Emma...?” The tone of Melo’s voice made it obvious she was going to have to get used to using a proper name instead of a title while addressing her superior.

For a short bit, things were quiet on the Qilin’s end, looking between the four soldiers again, this time in thought. “C-Could I maybe get some more privacy with Peri? We’re in a safe place, I really don’t think I need four guards here...”

She didn’t see it, having been looking away from the one Guard who’s name she knew so far at the time. Melo’s attention moved between the other three, the group coming to an unspoken agreement before the trio of still unknown Soldiers would take their leave. Relaxing their forms and beginning down the hall of the Airship they were currently in.

Sighing once there was less attention on herself, Emma turned to the woman once more. This time bowing her own head as she voiced her appreciation. She received a bow in return. After which her attention moved to Peri as she fetched the ribbon from the hand the bag was in.

“Could you tie my hair back? Just want it all to be nice and neat behind me for when I do this.”

The Komodo, befitting her personality, chuckled  some at the request, but nodded none the less. Stepping to her friend, she took the ribbon in hand before physically encouraging a turn with a gentle push to the shoulder. Once such movement finished, she brought the ribbon between her lips to hold it while working on collecting the mass of near white hair that belonged to Emma. Every now and then working a hand down the length of it to try and funnel it all together better the farther down it went.

“Peri?”

“Yeah?”

“You possibly know where my necklace went?”

“Yeah, Umbir has it. Said he’d be giving it back later while you’re addressing everyone.”

Her answer made some sense to the Qilin, nodding a little in understanding as she fell silent for her friend to finish her work.

Once she felt she had a good enough control of her friend’s hair, Peri shifted hold to one hand as the other retrieved the purple fabric and worked it around the hair to replace her other hand. Finally being able to begin working on tying the ribbon tight to give a clean and proper finish to Emma’s appearance with a small bow holding her knee-length hair together at the bottom of the back of her neck. Looking to Melo, she earned an approving nod from the woman before looking back to it herself and nodding her own head.

“There ya go, ‘Your Highness’.”

The joking use of the title earned an elbow moving to impact with her arm. Laughter following from both the Faunus as Emma turned to face her teammate again. All this right before the shorter of the two would move to hug the taller, which was quickly reciprocated.

“Thank you, Peri, for everything you’ve done the past few days.”

“You’re welcome, Emma.”

The two letting their embrace last a couple seconds longer. Breathing in the comfort they shared knowing they were both alive and well after what they had gone through the other day. Once comfortable, both let go, Peri patting at Emma’s shoulder as one last gesture of fondness before she’d speak again.

“Now, you’ve got a crowd to address.”

A deep breath in and a sigh out would be taken by the Qilin. “That I do...” She glanced the two ways down the hall available to the three of them, brow furrowing some. “Um... Melo?”

“Yes?”

“D-Do you know what way we need to go?”

“That I do, just follow me.” Without missing a beat, the pale yellow figure Emma had turned her eyes to stepped side-ways. An outstretched hand gesturing the opposite direction than the other three had gone earlier. Quickly following up the gesture by turning herself in full and beginning down the hall.

The two Huntresses followed behind the woman for a minute or so, passing through the hallways and by some crew members here and there. Multiple different rooms they may have been able to turn into as well, yet Melo kept going. Eventually turning into a much wider hallway than the ones that they had walked through so far. One with a multitude of people seated along the walls, some standing, others walking between each other. The moment they did, Emma froze.

Looking down the hallway, the Qilin’s sight was filled with such a vast array of colors filling it. The initial viewing of so many people was too much for her with half being as messy as it was. It hurt her head to see all of them. She turned her head to clear her view and hopefully ease the strain it put on her. Peri’s red soon stepping into view as she felt her hand at her shoulder.

“Your eye bugging you?” Her question only received a nod from the shorter woman as her left eye closed and a hand rose over it.

“Her eye?” Melo stepping around to the Royal’s side with her question. “What happened?”

“A while ago Emma had an incident where she saw some odd aura that she said looked like a person. She called out to them, they didn’t respond, she tried to get closer but it just kept moving at the same distance away from her. She said it seemed to just slide around, never taking a step or turning or anything. Eventually it stopped, she got right next to it, then the next thing she knew she woke up back in her room at the Inn our team owns. Umbir said that he had been watching over her for a while, and when he saw what was happening he followed her, but when he caught up an Ursa had hit Emma into a tree, and she was unconscious on the ground. He killed the Ursa, brought her back and ever since she woke up, her left eye hasn’t been working the way it should.”

While Peri retold the events to Melo, Emma found herself shivering some remembering it all. Her mind calling back to the months where she felt unlike herself afterwards. It got her right eye closing as well as the discomfort of the memories from that time began setting in.

“Wh-What do you mean it’s not working the way it should? Can she not see with it?”

“She was born blind, Melo. Sometime during her childhood her aura adapted to allow her eyes to register visual sources of aura and give some semblance of sight. She sees everyone as generic humanoid forms of solid color based on what their aura’s color is, which ever since the old Great War tends to match with their name. Mine’s Peri, my aura is a dark red, I’m a red figure to her. You’re Melo, I’m assuming mellow yellow, so she sees you as a pale yellow form. Ever since what happened, she’s explained sight in her left eye as a repeating pattern mess of color whenever looking at someone. After being told what a Kaleidoscope is, she said that’s pretty much what it’s like.”

Hearing this, the somewhat absent gaze she had seen the young white haired woman had given to her and the other Guards earlier began to make more sense. “Ah...” This was new information that she knew she’d need at a later point. It was going to be a bit of a learning curve for how to handle things with Emma. “Maybe it’d be a good idea to get her some type of cover for her left eye then. Eye patch or something...”

Turning to look over the people filling the hallway, she could see some of them looking to the trio with curious eyes. A few even worried, one or two doubtful gazes from some older individuals. Gently grabbing onto Emma’s shoulders, she guided her back around the corner, gesturing for Peri to follow. “Just keep her here, I’ll be right back.”

The Komodo nodded before watching as Melo went into a light jog down the hallway to return where they had just come from. Carefully she helped Emma to lean against the wall after the form of the Guard disappeared ‘round the corner down the thinner hall. Afterward stepping close to the corner again and peeking around it to look over the civilians filling the area.

“E-Excuse me, miss?”

A young voice would register in the Komodo’s ears, guiding her attention down to see a boy standing next to her. A pair of small antlers growing atop his upturned head among dark brown hair and his bright blue eyes looking up at her. His arms were tucked ��round behind his back. She stepped from the wall before lowering herself to her knees to be at a more equal level to him.

“Hey little man, what’s up?”

He seemed to be a little nervous with how he lowered his head a tad further than it already had to simply keep looking at her.

“Is that... Is she our new Queen?”

His question got Peri’s head turning to look to Emma. She could see the her gaze turned to focus to the boy beyond Peri’s form, hand now away from her left eye but the eye itself still closed. She turned her red eyes forward to the child again just after.

“Well. technically she’s not just yet, but she’s going to be soon. She’s just feeling a little under the weather right now, bit of a headache. You know what that’s like, right?” A soft smile came to her face seeing the boy nod in understanding.

“I- uh... M-My mommy helped me make a necklace... I wanted to make it for our new Queen after she told me about how she was ex-exhi-”

“Exiled?”

“Yeah, that word!” His hands finally came out from behind his back. In the one was a collection of a dozen small, smooth black stones that had been drilled through to fit them onto a braided silver and gold cord. None were exactly the same size as another, nor shape, but it seemed they were all sanded down to be smooth and rounded. Smaller stones being farther out and larger being closer to the center. “I collected these, whenever I found a black rock I picked it up. There isn’t a lot of them, but they always look so nice...”

Peri felt a familiar hand at her shoulder, looking up and back it was Emma. Shifting aside atop her knees, she gave enough space for her friend to get down beside her. Even offering a hand to support her as she took to her knees, a slight wince escaping putting as much weight as she did on her right. Still a little sore she guessed.

Now at eye level with the bright blue form of the boy, Emma could see an ever so subtle vibration to his form. She put on a gentle smile in hopes of calming his nerves

“What’s your name?”

“C-Cele.”

“Cele, very nice name. I would love to wear the necklace you’ve made for me, is there a clasp on it or is it a full loop?”

“My mommy tied the ends of the cords we used when we were done braiding it.”

“A loop, then, would you mind putting it on for me?” As she asked this of the young boy, she shifted closer to him and bowed her head forward. Closing her eyes she simply waited. It took a few seconds, but she soon felt his little hands brush against her hair some. A second more passing before the weight of the stones on the cord was fully present on the back of her neck. After a second more, she lifted her head, a hand moving to pull her tied hair out from beneath the braided cord then to fix it beneath her collar. With it fit proper into her outfit, she turned her attention to Cele again. The anxious vibrations from earlier now gone.

“Thank you, Cele. I’m glad to know there are such kind children like yourself from Ventus even after everything it’s people have been through.”

He was quiet a moment after before she could feel his arms suddenly around her neck. It was unexpected, but Emma returned the hug with a hand gently pressing to his upper back. The hug ending almost as quickly as it started, the boy ran back down the hallway to return to his mother who stood a ways down the hall. Taking her hand, he looked up to her and they began talking about something. Peri noticing a smile across the woman’s face as she crouched down to her son.

“Damn you handled that nicely.” Peri spoke up as she rose to her feet again.

“You did most of that though being the one to talk to him first.”

“The kid probably thought I was a body guard or something, so it was actually a pretty smart idea for him to come to me first. Gotta give the lil’ dude props for that.”

“Plus for working on this with his mother.” Em’s hand moving to let her fingers move over the stones now settled across her chest.

“So? How’re you feeling after doing your first Queenly act?”

“Queenly act?”

“Yeah! You just interacted with one of your Kingdom’s next generation, accepted a gift from them, praised them, and helped them feel better before sending them back to their guardian! You can’t see it, but that kid’s really happy and he’s even bouncing a little while telling his mother all about you and how it was to meet you.”

What her friend was saying... actually made a lot of sense to her. No matter what way she thought about it, what she just did was something a leader or hero would tend to do in stories. Stories both fake and very real. The fact she actually did something like that without realizing it, there was some confidence that filled her.

“I’m feeling like I can actually do this...”

“Hell yeah you can!”

Another pat of Peri’s hand to her arm like before occurred and the two of them laughed a little.

“Emma!”

The oh so familiar voice got the Qilin turning her head to look down the hallway behind her. Both the earthy aura of her father figure, the source of the call to her, and that of the pale yellow belonging to Melo were making their way to her and Peri. Poking at the Komodo’s leg got her attention, a hand lowering to help Emma return to her feet with her uncomfortable knee. Managing to get back up just as the two reached them.

“Hey, Umbir, where’d Roy go off to?” Peri called out to the man as he kept drawing closer to the two of them.

“Your brother’s talking with Captain Maho. I told him to show Roy where to go once they’re done so he can be present for whatever Emma’s got in mind.” He took a moment of pause to his speaking as he glanced over Emma’s new clothing. “Speaking of, It’s nice to see you on your feet again, Em’.” Her father figure spoke up, a gentle smile across his features.

“It’s nice to be on my feet.”

“Sir Dew bumped into me while I was on my way out of the Medical Bay.” Melo spoke up explaining his added presence. “I grabbed a cotton pad and some medical tape that we can use to cover your eye, Emma.”

“Emma?” Umbir’s tone a little confused turning to look to his underling. Such earning a shrug from the woman.

“She requested that I call her by her name and not using a title.”

Em’ could feel the man’s eyes fix on her, clearly looking for some confirmation. Nodding her head, the man did the same understanding the situation.

“Okay” Melo spoke up getting the Royal’s attention as she extended a hand with a small square between her fingers “hold this over your eye.”

The process took about a half minute. Emma taking the cotton pad and carefully holding it over her left eye, Melo unwrapped strips from the tape, tore them off, and secured it in place. One down the side of the square on the outer side of the Qilin’s face, one smaller piece across the corner by the top of her nose, and one last strip along the bottom above her cheek.

“There we go.” The woman turned her attention to Umbir again. “Could you return this to the Med-bay? I’ve been around the civilians more often than you have, I think it’ll be good for me to be with Emma while she’s around them.” Her hand holding the medical tape aside for him.

“Sure. If you three get to the catwalk before I catch up, I’ll meet you there.” Taking the roll from his underling, he turned and began back to the medical room of the Airship.

“What’s he talking about with a catwalk?” A confused Emma speaking up in question.

“There’s a catwalk in the room we’re heading to. High up, gets people in a noticeable spot, can let a voice carry through the room well. Best place to speak to your people and say whatever you need to.”

Emma nodded in understanding after it was explained to her what was meant.

Just before the Knight went to begin guiding the two again, she noticed something that got her to step closer and gently lift the necklace with a finger. “Did a little boy with antlers and blue eyes give this to you?”

Her question got a nodding confirmation from Emma.

“That’s actually really nice, Cele did good.”

“I know, right? Lil’ guy’s got a good eye and creative mind!”

“That he does. Gotta give him a high five while we pass by.” A smooth transition from the trained woman as she gestured for the two to follow her again. Stepping ‘round both to round the corner once more and begin down the crowded hallway. Looking ahead she could see little Cele being picked from the floor by his mother. Their eyes meeting and the trio sharing a smile as the distance between them was beginning to close.

Emma on the other hand, as she followed behind Melo, kept her had turning to look over the people around them. Seeing so many people, thankfully now only through her right eye, she was able to look over them more properly. Seeing so many whom appeared to be adults, others small and childish, a couple clearly elderly. So many auras of varying colors, but so many of them in different moods.

Some dimmed, others shivering, a few vibrating, a couple having shrunk even. Sadness, despair, anxiety, fear, so much negative emotions. Even if some of them seemed to be easing as they saw her. But a few brightened and glowing aura’s stood out to Emma’s sight. Most which she didn’t know, a lot being children whom she heard quietly asking various things about her to their guardians. Though one was a bright blue that she had met just a minute earlier.

As the three came up to Cele and his mother, Melo stretched out a hand and the boy quickly reacted. Reaching his own hand out, the two connected for a ‘high’ five. Afterward his attention quickly shifted to Emma, the Qilin could feel his gaze on her, and even if she couldn’t see it they shared a smile. Once it came Peri’s turn to pass by, he gave the kid a thumbs up and a wink. Waving with her tail as they passed and continued on.

It only took another minute of walking, passing by multiple more groups of people till they would fine themselves stepping into a much, much larger room. Within was the bulk of the Ventian civilians, dozens of them if not a hundred or so at bare minimum filling this room alone. There was still some space to move around and for some breathing room, but so many more people than what was within the halls leading here.

“Up this way.” Melo spoke up, stepping off to the side where, after a second, Emma’s aura would reveal a stair case as it began flowing through the room.

Turning her attention up the stairs, she quickly noticed a familiar aura, ever changing between seven colors and never staying as one of them for more than a few seconds at a time. Roy. His form bent forward, she supposed he was resting against the railing of what she guessed was the catwalk. Off to his side, however, stood two auras more. One she remembered from when she and Peri arrived in the canyon the other day, and one of a beige color. The red aura of the man from the canyon with his arm ‘round the smaller beige being.

“Hey there, Princess.” Roy spoke up as the trio got up onto the catwalk proper.

“Roy.” Emma greeted in return, making her way to hug him, feeling his arms return the embrace quickly.

“Hey, leave some room for me!” The sister of the Gaia duo stepping over to the two opening a space to welcome her into their hugging. As the three shared this moment, a breath of relaxation was taken by each. After which they broke apart, though Peri kept her arm round Roy’s shoulders as they set into a comfortable stance together.

The Qilin, however, would feel a tap at her shoulder. Looking to the source, it was Melo gesturing to step past her friends. Following her, the two stepped over closer to the two auras whom were unknown to the younger of the two. Seeing both of them move to turn to face her. Only now noticing that the beige shorter being had a pair of animalistic ears atop their head. Really, really tall ears.

“Emma, these are the NeverCondor’s Captains. Captain Maho Agna and his wife Captain Begi Vix.” The Guard introduced the two to the people to Emma. Gesturing first to the taller red form, then the shorter beige.

Before she could do much, she would see the man’s hand reach forward urging for a handshake, one which she took with a bow to her head. After which she saw that of the shorter of the pair bow her own head before hearing her speak up.

“It’s a pleasure to meat you, your Highness. Umbir’s been working pretty closely with us and he’s told us a lot about you. Actually kind of been looking forward to meeting the ‘Aura-Sighted Huntress’ for a bit now.”

“Please, just call me Emma. No need for titles between us. I’ve never really felt like I’d be able to fulfill the role, so this is all going to be new for me.”

“Well, if it’s going to be any bit similar to being a Captain, you can come to us if you need some advice at any time.” A masculine voice, she assumed Maho’s as she turned her attention to his aura form.

“Thank you, Captain. I’ll keep that in mind for the future.”

“Here.” Maho again, his arm moving, seemingly to retrieve something. “Whenever you’re ready, there’s a switch on the side of this headset that you can use to turn it on. Once you do, a microphone will fold out and you can speak into that. It will broadcast your voice through the entirety of the ship. Since the Ventian refugees we have on board are spread about the central area of the ship, this will let all of them hear you from where they are.”

The object held out to her, according to what Emma would see with her aura flowing over it, appeared to be a wireless thin headset. One side ending with a thinner stop she assumed would fit over or behind her left ear. The other with a wider and thicker section with a somewhat similar shaping as the other, just with an extra bit that she assumed would go inside her ear. Reaching to take it, she brought it to hold in both her hands across her front.

“Thank you, again Captain. For taking care of... my people... in their time of need. For bringing them to a safer place. I’m not absolutely sure about it, but I think I have an idea of a location where they can be housed for some time until we’re able to get some more proper housing set up. Just might take some time to get it ready for them.” A fairly obvious bit of nerves present as she said that second sentence.

“If you need any help with that, just let us know, alright? We’ve got some people who’re great with repairs and building, and there are actually quite a few of your people who’ve offered to help us with keeping the NeverCondor in good shape while they’ve been on board.”

“I’m glad they’ve been able to help with your travels since you’ve taken them in.

“Y’know” Begi again “for someone who’s unsure how well they’re going to do as a Queen, you’re already handling yourself pretty well just talking with us.”

“R-Really?” A somewhat disbelieving tone to Emma’s voice.

“Hey, that’s the kind of talk I’ve used to make some deals as Captain while Maho’s not been available before. There’s definitely going to be some hardships and some things to get used to, sure, but I think you’re going to do fine in the long run, Emma.”

A gentle smile came present to the Royal’s face hearing Begi’s words. “Thank you, Begi. It helps knowing so many people have been showing faith in me.”

Feeling a hand come to clasp onto her shoulder, Emma’s head turned to look for the source behind her. Seeing Umbir’s aura, she moved her own hand to hold over his. Now with her smile even brighter.

“We’ll have your back, Emma. You’re not going to be alone at any point in this stage of your life, I can promise you that.”

His words were a huge source of comfort to her in this moment on top of just him being present overall.  Though after hearing him, her head turned and she looked down over the crowd beneath them. Slowly feeling her smile weaken some, her nerves getting to her as she saw many of them moving closer, to look up at them.

“Despite all the support, I don’t even know what to say to them. I’ve not been in Ventus for years, some of these people are children who were born after my exile so they don’t even know who I am beyond a false Princess. They’ve lost who was likely their best leader since Manus, and now they either turn to Samuel and hope for mercy, or they look to an uncertain young girl who was raised to be a maid for her own half-brother. The only other time I’ve spoken to even a fraction of this amount of people was at the Duke’s charity event when I announced I was still alive, but I had Octavius Tyrian with me at that time. My closest supporter and friend on the Noble front, and he’s not here right now...”

“Hey” her father figure called to her to earn her attention “you’re going to do wonderfully. Breathe in,” he himself inhaling, Emma mimicking him “breathe out,” both of them exhaling “You’ve got this.”

The short moment the two shared was something they tended to do when they were younger. Any time young little Emma had been panicking or upset for reasons related to her disabilities, Umbir would come to her aid. Getting to his knees in front of her, a gentle hand cupping her cheek, another holding her arm or hand. Speaking to her, calling out the nickname she had given her, and getting her attention before working through the process with her.

Both remembered this in the moment, taking one more to hug each other with a single arm.

“Thank you, Papa.”

“You’re welcome, Lil’ Filly. Take some time to think over your words, and when you’re ready, you’ve got the microphone.” His hand patted at her shoulder, leaving it a second after to step over by the Captains to chat with them a bit.

Now on her own among the group, Emma stepped over to the railing of the walkway. Both hands coming to rest atop it, headset in hand. She could feel so many people looking up to her in the moment. It actually surprised her a fair bit just how many people filled the lower section of the room. Combining the number she could guess was present to those in the one hallway she had her eye act up in, she was sure it was a minimum hundred people. The fact there was even more though, that actually got her nerves acting up some.

Still, even with the nerves present within her, she set her mind to attempt to piece together some collection of words. Something she thought would be fitting for a new leader to say to those she’d watch other. She couldn’t really come up with anything all that fast, it was definitely going to take a minute or so at least. Stepping back from the railing, she backed herself to the wall behind her to rest against that instead. Hoping that clearing her sight of the multitude of people below would help her think.

The Gaia siblings glanced over to the thinking Qilin for a second after seeing her form move as it did to the wall behind. Peri, out of the corner of her eye, noticing Melo looking to the Royal as well with some worry present in her gaze. A flick of her tail off to the side getting her attention, after which the Komodo mouthed “Just give her some time”, receiving a nod in understanding. Watching the Guard then turn to join Umbir and the two Captains for the time being. The two of them, however, moved to the corner at the top of the staircase that lead up to the catwalk which they stood on. Further from the rest of the group and a tad more private for them to talk without interrupting their friend.

Remembering back to her time at the Duke’s charity event and the speech she gave there, some ideas did come to mind. Though really thinking them over, the ideas she had back then were meant for high-society people that could’ve provided support for her. This time it was a bunch of people who were scared and unsure of what their future held for them. People who looked to her for some sense of comfort or safety. Two very different things, very different wordings needed.

Working her mind to think of some sort of answer, her eyes lowered to look to the headset her aura covered with each pulse of it. Taking in a lip to nibble at it as she thought, and her tail beginning to swat gently against the wall behind her.

A few minutes actually ended up passing as Emma had her mind hard at work. Not noticing the people having moved around her, her mind having tuned out their voices to focus her own inner vocals. Having switched which side of her lip was being nibbled on every couple seconds, at one point bringing both in and just pressing them together. By now, she felt like she had a couple points she wanted to get across, but there was a lack of proper wording to use to get them out. It was actually a little stressful being unable to piece together words like she was needing to.

Suddenly feeling a hand to her shoulder, the Qilin nearly jumped as her attention was forced back to the world beyond her mind. Blinking a couple times over, uncovered eye glanced about. Noting Roy absent from Peri’s side to her left, Melo standing in front of her and just a little toward the right, then Umbir leaning against the wall beside her with the aura forms of the two Captains and the Gaia Brother standing some distance away.

“Emma?” The woman before her calling her name, getting her eyes turning to her pale yellow aura again. “You alright?”

“Yeah... Yeah, I’m fine, I just... I know what I want to tell them, but I’ve not been able to think of words I should use to get those messages across...”

“Why not wing it then?” The extremely familiar of Umbir’s voice spoke up, earning her attention immediately. “Some of the better speeches that Manus or Cres ever gave were mostly just them going out and talking.”

“I don’t know if I should be inspired hearing that my biological father, who was apparently a Tyrant most of his reign, had good speeches because he just ‘winged them’...” A doubtful response from Emma’s end at his idea.

“I’m not saying you should be, Emma. I’m never going to tell you to be inspired by anything Manus ever did with how horrible a man he was. What I am saying is that you don’t necessarily need to plan out every last word that you say. Just take what you’ve got, figure out how to word it all as you do.” His shoulders rising a little during the end of his sentence. Relaxing just a second later.

Emma had her head nodding for a short bit as she thought over the idea. It would work, she had the somewhat vague idea of what she wanted to say in mind and she knew what exact points she wanted to make known. Winging it would likely be her best option over all wouldn’t it?

Some bit of her was feeling a little more sure of herself when thinking of taking the plunge that would begin her role as Queen. Of making her voice present for the Ventian people to hear. 

She was still a little nervous, yes, but that was her worry that she’d be treated the way she was while leaving Ventus all those years ago. Plenty of the refugees were undoubtedly old enough to remember that day, some possibly having even been among the people whom had spit disgust her direction. as well.

Yet. really taking a second to think of it, there wasn’t exactly a reason for her to think of that... To think such a thing would be unavoidable. Especially not with how everything had been just days ago. At least she hoped that after what had happened it wouldn’t be that way...

“Y-Yeah... I think I can do this. Just give me another minute.” She could see the pale yellow head nodding in understanding. The woman then stepping away to lean over the railing of the catwalk and look to the people below. Something becoming clear to the Royal in this moment, Melo had a tail. A long tail with a rounded end that unfurled from ‘round the Guard’s waist to curl beside her leg.

Emma was a little surprised she hadn’t been able to notice the extra appendage on Melo before, but thinking over it for a second, she figured that she had kept it wrapped ‘round her waist till now. She’d have to ask what sub-species of Faunus the Knight is later. Too many things were much more important right now.

Thankfully it didn’t take much longer till she felt she was more ready to be able to do what she needed. Taking a deep breath, she moved herself away from the wall and stepped closer to the railing. Once more, she could feel the eyes of the people below fixing to her. Swallowing down the nerves that rose from the sense that most all of them were turning their eyes to her, she lifted the headset in her hands, fixing it atop her head and fitting the two sides so they felt right on her. One more breath, and with her hand rising to feel for the switch, she pushed it across it’s spot, and with a gentle click beside her ear, the microphone was now available.

A chime suddenly rang out in the room, three notes in a rising tone. The echo from beyond the room making it clear to her that this was, in fact, going across the ship. Bringing her hands to hold at the railing, she took one more breath.

“P-People of Ventus.” She could hear her own voice repeating, a somewhat electrical tone to it. “I am Emma Smoke Khromatos, Daughter of Manus Aescae Khromatos and Aligar Kaj. Due to my birth mother, Aligar, dying shortly after I was born, I was raised as a maid to the royal family under the name Smoke Kaj by the maid named Harley Nara. A woman who I assume a good sum of you know as she was a kind, wonderful woman that would frequently venture to the market along the main road for supplies. I would often be present with her, a young, scared little girl who rarely spoke when around people I didn’t know.”

She had to pause a second to breathe and calm herself, recalling her past having brought up various emotions which she hadn’t exactly expected. The breath she took to calm herself being just barely heard across the speaker system of the ship.

“Eventually... as I grew older, my Faunus trait began showing more and more. Thankfully with the maid outfit being as long as it was, it hid my tail for a long while. Though after a particular fall that I took, Queen Cress saw it. This ended up giving away my true identity. That I was a child of her King born out of wedlock. Angered by this, she ordered that I be exiled. That night I stole a weapon that was to be given to my half-brother Samuel the next week. Having been his training partner for a while under the watchful eye of Sir Umbir Dew, I had experience with the kind of weapon it was. I disguised it as a walking stick, and the next day I had it with me when I was escorted out of the Kingdom to the Solitas mainland to wander on my own.

One thing lead to another, I found myself on a boat to Sanus, and I traveled to Vale. Meeting with a teacher from the Hunter Academy of Vale, I expressed a wish I had developed during my travels to be able to keep other people safe during their own travels, as I had been helped by Hunters and Huntreses myself at various points on my own journey. Thankfully after displaying my capabilities with the Scythe and what little I could control of my Semblance, he was able to help me enroll in Beacon. I had to tell the headmaster my true name and my story, but he felt I had potential, so he let me in.

By the time I was one of the students and placed into a team fittingly called Team Empress, word had spread that a Princess had been exiled, and eventually killed by a Grimm. With the assistance of the son of a Noble family that supported me even back when word first got out of my situation, I was able to get in touch with some other members of Noble blood, eventually even being invited to a charity event held by the Duke of Coste. At this event, I spoke to settle the rumors of my death, and set word to be spread around that I still lived.

As Lady Melo Grove has revealed to me, Queen Cress had been trying to discover if I was still alive for a while before the Charity event. Wanting to contact me and try to welcome me back to Ventus with open arms to try and repair our relationship. I’m unsure, but she may have even been wanting to accept me as a proper member of the Royal family and an heir to the throne should Samuel have not been fit for it. 

However, at it was soon after I attended the Charity event that the attack on Vale happened. Beacon Academy was swarmed by Grimm, some of Atlas’ technology went haywire and starting attacking students and civilians, and the Cross Continental Transmit System tower of Vale was destroyed. Communications were hindered across all Remnant because of this, and Cres was unable to contact me in any easy way like she might have been with the CCT system up. Instead, she decided to get in touch with some of the Noble families based in Sanus who supported me. One such pair of Noble families was the Baron and Baroness of Montai, and the Duke of Coste.

A couple months back, after you arrived in Sanus aboard the NeverCondor, Umbir dew came to find me, and alongside a close friend of mine, Octavius of the Tyrian family, he showed us video footage of the meeting that Cress had with the three Nobles. I could only hear it, but what I heard made it clear that the Queen wanted the best for me. Asking the Montais and the Duke to take care of and support me in her place should she die before she’s able to meet with me and fix things between us....

Sadly... neither her request or her wishes could possibly be fulfilled... Just as their meeting was ending, a cloaked woman was let into the Quartz Stage by guards loyal to Samuel. This woman rendered the fully armored Umbir Dew incapacitated, killed the Duke of Coste and the Montais, and after my Half Brother took the crown and left the building, she killed Queen Cres as well. 

The sounds of gunfire and screams could be heard as background noise as Umbir began to recover control of his suit, and his body in turn. After retrieving the Necklace from around Cres’ neck and pocketing it, Umbir rushed outside, and the sound of raging flames and explosions became clear... The rest of this story you all know already.” 

Once more she’d pause, feeling a lump in her throat remembering how she handled everything when it was revealed to her that such tragedy had happened to her home.

“Now... when he came to me, Umbir left the Queen’s necklace with me and for some time I avoided wearing it. He told me that I needed to come talk to all of you... To give you some sort of hope by becoming the next Queen and leading you through this difficult time.... But I was unable to bring myself to do so, I was scared, doubtful, and felt I couldn’t possibly fill in the space left by the late Queen Cres... So I never came.

I left all of you scared, unsure of what the future held for you, and those emotions grew more and more each day. Growing to the point it drew the attention of Grimm. Too much Grimm for the NeverCondor to have been able to handle without help. At the time, Umbir called for me, for my team and any others I could get to help.

Initially, me and my teammate and friend Peri Gaia intended to call more people to help us confront the Grimm Horde which was assaulting the Airship. But something happened. 

I’m unsure how many of you know, but I was born blind. I am blind. Though at a point in my life, my aura began changing and adapting, interacting with my eyes in a way that removed it’s protective nature as a sort of default, and instead let me perceive auras. Right now, as I look at everyone in this room, I see you as a vast array of wonderful colors. Reds, blues, greens, yellows, even a couple more uncommon ones like grays and metallic shades. 

Back when I arrived, what happened to me was something that happened once before, but I saw what I can only explain to be a ghost. An aura figure that didn’t belong to any living physical body. One of a ghastly white color. Last time I had encountered it, I entered into it’s embrace and I felt at peace. Like everything was right in the world. Though it also distracted me enough for an Ursa to find me, which proceeded to hit me into a tree, injuring my head and damaging my left eye further than it already was.

Seeing the ghostly aura again, I knew something would happen if I went to it. I was unsure whether it would be something good or if it would be bad, but I had to know. , With some help from a crew member that I’m told goes by the name of Sprig, I was able to get to the figure and once again feel it’s touch. The odd aura was calming, pleasant, and for a short time it felt there wasn’t any horde surrounding me. Yet in it’s embrace, something happened this time that didn’t before. 

The being spoke to me. It’s words... I couldn’t understand them at all. Yet even still, there was some sense of understanding that came as I listened to it. I came to know what I had to do to help with the Horde, to have some confidence that I could lead you, and to know it’s identity. As crazy as it sounds... I’m not entirely sure of it myself, but I’m sure the name that it put into my mind was that of our first Queen. Of Giulia Khromatos. I’m unsure why Giulia came to me or how it’s even possible, but she was there, and even though she’s absent right now, I know she’s here watching over us.

Using the knowledge Giulia gave me, what seemed to be based on an experience she herself had with the Ventian People of her time, I was able to come up with an idea that would hopefully work to fend off enough of the horde. With a Dust Crystal in hand and Giulia’s help, I was able to use the Dust to stagger the Grimm horde, and my Semblance at a much stronger state than I have ever been able to in my time as a Huntress. The combination allowed me to successfully fend off what Grimm were more of a threat, block a large sum of the horde from being able to get to the NeverCondor should those closer to the ship be destroyed. 

Though I do have to give thanks for my friend and teammate Peri Gaia and the man who’s been my Father Figure for my entire life, Umbir Dew. Without the two of them, there were multiple points during the encounter where I very well could’ve died. A couple where they almost did themselves”

Turning to look back to the Komodo and the Armored man one after the other, the two both shrugged after glancing to one another and stepping forward to her sides. Emma herself looking between the two before focusing to the crowd again. A smile now present.

“Without Peri and Umbir, my effort in settling the rumors of my death would’ve turned out to be for nothing.” She could hear Peri chuckling, thus making her laugh a little alongside her. Not really even caring it would be broadcast through the entire ship. Though she did calm herself a couple seconds later.

“After what happened two days ago, I ended up losing consciousness due to severe lack of aura. According to Umbir, I was out for a full twenty-four hours. Over this time, the NeverCondor’s crew was able to clear out as much Grimm as they needed to have the time necessary for them to launch and take to the skies safely. To get all of you to safety. But this is only temporary... 

If I were to have left the instant I could instead of coming here to talk to all of you, it would’ve set the cycle in motion all over again. You would feel that same fear, despair, anxiety, and uncertainty still, possibly even worse, and eventually Grimm would’ve come again. The next time would’ve likely been worse, so much so than what this time was. 

But it’s because I know that and because of the faith that I’ve received from the people beside me right now, and because of the kindness of a little boy among you who welcomed the idea of me as your Queen so easily that I stayed. That I am right here, right now, speaking as I am, and addressing every single refugee. What I am about to say, I may sound unsure of myself, but that’s not because of how I’m feeling right now or because of you. It’s because of doubts I had harbored all my life and the fact that, just like all of you, I am scared to step into this unknown territory.”

Pausing, Emma took a deep, audible breath to ready herself physically, mentally and emotionally for what she was about to say. A part of her unable to believe she was taking this step, that with all the negativity that had filled her whenever she thought of herself as a ruler, she was about to set herself to such a role. There was actually a want to hesitate, to stop right now and just run, but she knew she couldn’t. She had to do this.

“I, Emma Smoke Khromatos, twelfth generation of the Khromatos lineage, will not hide any longer. Starting today, I will take upon myself the role of Queen of Ventus. As shaky as the road ahead may be with having to learn and adapt, to the best of my ability I will lead you all to a future where we can return to Ventus and free it of the legacy of tyranny which Samuel continues in his fathers stead. It may take some time to get there, but I promise you, I will get us there. I just need your faith and your trust.”

The intercom system would fall silent for a short bit. Emma quieting herself hoping for some kind of reaction from the crowd. She could feel eyes leaving  her and hear voices down below. For a few seconds she was feeling unsure of whether or not what she said was right. If the words she used didn’t work and the Ventian people wouldn’t support her. She could feel her tail curling ‘round her leg as worry began to settle in.

But then she heard something, cheering and clapping, all so faint from the hallway she and the others entered the room from. The quiet applaud soon growing louder while still muffled. Louder again, the opposite side now, just another second passing before the very room she was currently in began cheering up to her. Some merely clapping, others shouting words of support and positivity.

It actually took Emma by surprise a little bit to know they were accepting her. That after all of her self-doubting, people were able to believe the would be able to lead them. Finding herself choking up some just from the realization that so many people believed she could do what she was so sure she couldn’t for so long. The impact of the moment hitting her hard enough she could’ve sworn she couldn’t breathe.

Before she was able to say or do any more, she could feel a pressure against the side of the headset. Soon discovering it was Umbir shutting the headset off. Turning her head to him, she could see his hands raising with the aura-filled pendant necklace hanging between them. Moving it closer to her to set it ‘round her neck as his aura glowed bright with happiness. 

Moving to hug him, Emma felt his arms quickly return the embrace and his voice speaking one simple line that sent tears rolling down her cheeks..

“I’m proud of you.”

[bi-mirandalawson]

one (1) person expressed interest in my writing so @vamppeach here u go 

if u romance alistair as a city elf, when u get to the alienage and ur cousin mentions ur wedding, alistair is like ‘UR MARRIED?????’ and i laughed but then i got sad and i had to write about them actually talking about it 

if ur on mobile and this readmore doesnt work im sincerely sorry 

"you're married ?!" 

"i was betrothed. i never actually got married." laurel looks at him out of the corner of her eye but does not turn to face him. her voice is flat and firm. she wants very badly for him to drop it.

"what happened?" 

"imagine a storybook wedding - this was the exact opposite of that." she asks shianni another question, cutting off any more prodding from alistair. 

after they've dealt with the slavers and returned everyone there to their homes, she goes to have dinner with her family. she promised to catch up with shianni, and of course her father. and honestly, she's looking forward to being able to put the grey warden stuff aside for a few hours. she thinks about taking along some of her friends. not too many, because she knows her father won't be able to feed too many extras. 

wynne is sure to be a good house guest. shale doesnt eat, so she wouldnt be an extra burden on her father. leliana has such delightful stories, and zevran is certainly charming. but really, she knows she wouldnt bring anyone but alistair. as nice as it would be to introduce her family to her new friends and comrades, she really doesn't want to involve them in her personal affairs. and she really just wants to focus on her family for a night. but alistair is different. he's practically her family already. and she thinks this might be the only chance she gets to introduce him to her family, to her father.

she invites him, as everyone else is preparing to head back to camp. wynne raises her eyebrows and a small smile tugs at her lips but she says nothing. alistair agrees, of course, and there is a look on his face that says that he is taking it very seriously. 

"don't make a big deal out of it," she says. "I didn't want to take everyone, thats all." 

"alright. i can pretend its not a big deal for me to meet your dad, if you want me to." 

they walk in near silence back to her house (her father's house now ? she supposes she doesn't live there anymore). she knocks on the door and shianni opens it a second later, a glass of wine in hand. she kisses both of them on the cheek and ushers them inside. dinner is on the table, and extra chairs have been crammed around. shianni sits between soris and valora. her father is in the kitchen. 

"who did you bring with you, cousin?" shianni asks. laurel introduces alistair to her family as a fellow grey warden and friend. they start in with questions about the grey wardens, and what happened, and how they survived. alistair makes her sound much more heroic than she thinks she really was. she and alistair do most of the talking - their adventures are much nicer to talk about than life in the alienage after she left.

the food is good, and the wine flows, and laurel feels truly at peace for the first time since before her wedding. there isnt anything outside this room, outside of the jokes shared between kin, outside of the flickering warmth of the fire. 

valora decides to turn in, and soris leaves with her. laurel hangs out the doorway for a moment, watching them walk down the street hand in hand. when she comes back in, her father is draping a blanket over shianni, asleep on the couch.  

"alistair, will you give me a moment with my daughter please ?" alistair nods and awkwardly stands up, almost knocking the chair over. he steps outside and laurel takes her seat at the table. her father sits beside her and takes her hand in his. 

"is that ring .. ?" the question hangs in the air. 

"It fell out of nelaros' pocket. i've worn it as sort of.. remembrance." she examines the small ring. it is a simple band, with delicate vines carved around it, and it glows in the fire light. it doesnt hurt to look at anymore. "i mostly just didn't know what to do with it. it felt too.. important to sell, or give away. he worked so hard on it." 

"let me have it, laurel. i will keep it safe. you do not need to carry that burden any more." his voice is gentle, as is his thumb rubbing her knuckles.

"it is not a burden, father." she is almost defensive. "it's a part of my past, and i will carry it with me whether or not i have this ring." 

cyrion sighs quietly. she is so stubborn, so strong. but she has to let herself bend or she will break. she doesn't need to carry all her suffering with her for it to have meant something. 

"this boy, alistair," he says, "he is special to you?" 

"more than anyone else." he squeezes her hand and she squeezes back. 

"you do not need to bring these ghosts, these what-ifs in to that. you deserve a fresh start, my child." laurel can feel herself start to cry and she wipes her tears away with her free hand. he pulls her in close and she lets a few more tears fall on to his shoulder. 

she presses the ring in to his palm, and he slips it in to his breast pocket. he says he will put it on the family shrine next to her mother's ashes. she says she would like that, and she thinks her mother would too. he presents her with her mother's dagger, and she slides it in to her belt, like it was always meant to be there. she almost starts crying again. she calls alistair back inside, and cyrion says that the night air has surely cleared the wine from his head, so he should be able to walk laurel home. alistair says yes of course he will make sure she is safe, and the way he looks at her makes cyrion believe him. he gives them both a hug, a surprise to alistair, and tells them not to be strangers, to come by whenever they want. 

the night air is cool against laurel's warm cheeks, and she is still smiling. she looks up, and tries to remember the constellations her father taught her as a child. she points a couple out to alistair, making up whatever she can't remember of the stories that go with them. he calls her out on her bullshit and they go back and forth until they're both laughing. they fall in to pleasant silence, and he loosely laces his fingers through hers. she sighs. 

"I should tell you about my almost-wedding." 

"you don't have to. i know you don't want to," he says quietly, ever the gentleman. 

"but you're curious, and you'll never stop wondering until i tell you about it, so i might as well get it over with." 

she tells him, and he listens. he doesn't make one sideways quip or witty remark. he doesn't say anything at all, actually. she tells the story at her own pace, with his only contribution being his thumb rubbing on her hand. she tells him everything. her own feelings of fear and inadequacy. the ring she found on nelaros. how good it felt to end vaughan's life, to see him bleeding out at her feet and to know that she had done it. the hopelessness as she realized that if it wasnt vaughan, it would be someone else, and next time she wouldn't be there to protect anyone. 

"do you think about what your life would be like if it hadn't happened like that?" he is genuinely curious, and she doesnt get mad because they have talked about alistair's what-if lives. 

"not anymore. i did a lot at first. at ostagar, it was practically all i thought about, in between trying to stay alive. 'i shouldn't be here,' i thought, 'i should be in the alienage, getting to know my husband.' by the time we got to lothering though, i didn't do it as much. i had other things to worry about."

there is a moment of quiet, and then he asks if she was alright. 

"no. i don't think anyone can go through that and be alright." she is blunt, and she hopes she doesnt make him feel stupid for asking. she knows he was just being kind. "but i survived, so i will be. some day." 

"thank you for trusting me with that," he says, and squeezes her hand. 

"you can't. start treating me like i need to be protected. or like im soft. because of what happened to me. i know how it goes, especially with women. if there's a tragedy in your past, you're fragile. please dont.. think of me any differently." alistair stops walking and turns to face her. 

"i would never." he takes her other hand. "you're so strong, and have been since i met you. even before that, obviously." she gives him a small smile and he takes her face gently and kisses her. 

"was it really no big deal that i met your father ? since we're..." 

"maybe. i think it might have been to him." she looks at him out of the corner of her eyes and he's watching her. "i didn't want to be like 'dad this is alistair, my human lover' but i think he knew that we're not just friends. i just didn't want you to make a big deal out of it, or think you had to impress him or something." 

"what, you think i wouldn't impress him? i impressed you, didn't i ?" he nudges her with his elbow. 

"hardly. we both know i was the one making you swoon." she laughs, and she is glad that he is so good at making her feel light. even though they had such heavy conversation earlier, his smile and his jokes and his hand laced with hers makes her feel like she is standing in the sun on the first warm day of the year.

[myheartdoessink]

angela

im definitely a full believer that everything happens for a reason. there is a reason you came into my life. the life lessons that you have taught me in the last few years is something im going to take with me forever. at many points in our relationship i thought you were the one but with every argument is was followed by maybe this isnt for us. it doesnt matter because no matter what you were to me you had a such a huge piece of my heart and i think you forever will. the text that i read that night i know wasn’t the real angela. when i started to date nathan i think that was a wake up call for you that you need to move on and you were going to do whatever it takes to do it. i wish you would have told me how you were feeling then. i wish you would have told me that you saw something with us and seeing with him hurt you to a point of no return. i wish you have told me anything but you didnt. communition has never been our strong suit but anything would have been better than nothing 

i think this is truly what happened. i think that you told jamie at one point that i wasnt a fan of hers. jamie then, thinking as a manipulative person would, saw it as a game, like a revenge because people like her cant stand when someone doesnt like them and they are going to make sure that they pay. she was coming on to you, and guessing you denied it at first but loved the attention and her company but when you saw me with nathan you were like fuck it. jamie made it a mission to put a bad taste in her mouth about me and paint me in a terrible light. like im some evil person who just used you. i think at some points, it worked. 

you see angela, thats the difference between you and i. no matter any negative things i heard about you, no matter what point in our lives we were, i would never talk like the way you did about me. you were my heart, my soul, my fucking rock, and i truly thought you had my best interest at heart. maybe you did, maybe you didnt, buy after reading what you had said, you absolutely did not. 

i have read those messages so much i can read them to you by heart and to think that was only a few weeks worth? i cant imagine what else has been said or done. 

the night i read them, we kissed.  i dont know if it was just a normal kiss to you but it sent me on a different planet of emotions that i absolutely longed for. i fucking missed you so much. i missed your hugs, your sarcastic humor, your smile, your laugh, your beautiful big brown eyes, (your boobs/butt but that is a given), i just missed you. holy fuck did i miss you. 

i wish i wouldnt have gotten the covid vaccine that day because maybe things would have pan out differently. maybe i would have felt so much better and things would have escalated faster into us making love and maybe it brought back all the good memories we shared together. 

you went out for a smoke and ask me is it was ok. why? you knew you wanted to just to call jamie so why ask me if it was ok? i said i would kiss your forehead on a ventilator to have you just mock me later on to jamie. 

i wanted so bad for us to make love that night. i wanted for you to take a bath with me. i wanted us to have a good night because its been too long since we had one. never in my wildest dreams did i i think i would have discovered what i did. 

i took a bath and you passed out on the couch. i came out shirtless trying to give you all the kisses but you wouldnt budge. i tried to get you to the bed but you also werent wanting that either. now looking back on it is it because you didnt want to sleep in the same bed as me anymore so you could tell jamie you didnt? i dont know but i let you stay on the couch with fri. i went to your bathroom to make sure you had motrin when you wake up, you didnt so i gave you mine and put it in the bottle where you were sleeping so fri or roo couldnt get to it, and then i plugged your phone in. 

i saw that jamie texted you but at this point it was 3:30 am so i knew it my gut something was up. i stared at it hoping and praying it was just going to say “happy new year” or something work related. I tried to let it go but the more i thought about it, the more it was eating me alive so i looked. i shouldnt have looked. i respect you and i respect your privacy but it that moment i was selfish and wanted to know that was happening. 

when i read those messages angela i thought i was in an actual nightmare. i truly did not think that this was reality and i was seeing it right so all i could do was take pictures to know that im for real seeing what im seeing and that im not crazy. im shaking while righting this but i never thought that two people could be so mean and cruel and for what? i didnt do anything to jamie and for you to just go along with it and antagonize her about me at what point? let me take you through some of my racing thoughts while reading:

“this cant be real life”

“this cant be real life”

“i need to wake up”

“theres no way my angela would say this”

“this cant be my manager”

“im going to throw up, i have to stop reading”

and it was. it was my manager that you were having a full on affair with. now i am not upset or was i ever upset about you having a relationship with someone else. would that hurt? absolutely but i would have understood and moved on with some level of respect for you. but for this to happen with my manager? i swear to you i have never felt this type of betrayal and i hope to god you will never have to experience it and if you have, im so sorry. 

i can no longer take a bath, run, do anything or express my emotions/personal and vulnerable moments without thinking they are going to be said to others. youve broken the biggest bond of trust i had with someone and i dont know how im ever going to get that back, with anyone, or ever. 

when i left that night with my mom on the phone it was very clear you didnt care about my well being, you cared about jamie and protecting her. that was made more clear when i saw that even after i discovered the messages, you saw her the next day. 

i was going back and forth if i should tell cori. when reading the ccf policies and with encouragement of my family, i came to the conclusion that it was the best thing for me to do. i was that nothing bad would happen to you which is why i made the decision to go to cori. 

i know you cant see it right now and maybe you will never see it but jamie is a disgusting manipulative selfish human who has absolutely no right to be over seeing anyone. just try to put yourself in my shoes, there is no way i could let this continue any further. i needed out of g100 because i knew if i didnt, things would have gotten so much worse. 

bring it up to cori’s attention has brought on so many mixed feelings. on one hand, im happy i stood up for my myself and used my own moral compass to help. but on the other, i know i hurt you and thats what keeps me up at night crying and eating me alive. my therapist and family said i did the right thing but it feels so fucking wrong. i dont care what happens with jamie (to an extent) but with you, angela when i say that the last thing i ever wanted was for you to get hurt, i truly mean that. ive said it before and ill say it again, i would take all the suffering in the world if it meant that you didn’t have to. 

i dont know when we will talk again or if we ever will, but im writing this with the most heaviest heart, i love you. even though you said those things and you did what you did, i feel like i know the true angela and i forgive you. i hope someday youll find it in your heart to forgive me too. 

i told renata to make sure you’re okay and all i can do at this point is let god and the universe take its course. i hope one day our paths will cross again. 

time heals all wounds. i have to say goodbye for now. 

i love you forever and always sis, 

liz

[tumblunni]

OH MAN HOLY SHIT IM FINALLY GETTING TO READ THE NEXT VOLUME OF SHOULDER-A-COFFIN KURO

man it was really fucking sweet that  bunch of friends the travellers made in earlier chapters helped nurse Kuro back to health after [the spoily bad thing] happened

and I TOTALLY FELL FOR the misdirect in the opening chapter! this series often has out-of-order flashbacks just casually thrown in, so i assumed this was them taking a break from the sad ‘will kuro be okay’ stuff to show us one of her pas adventrues, especially cos she was alone without nijiku and sanju. But NOPE this is her dream while she’s sleeping, and all the people she just helped move on to their next journey are actually all already dead and she was giving them hope for stuff they never really managed to achieve. Like HOLY SHIT when the last person she saw was a glimpse of an actual alive person and then she steps off the train and wakes up?? And you only realize it cos she says ‘But I thought his eyes were getting better’ about the last guy Kuro met, who had that head injury from the war, and its like ‘but he’s right there? why are you saying ‘I was too late’- OH GOD HOLY SHIT’. Like seriously, was he on the way to go home and died on the train and then she was there at the station and had to see it, after she’d waited for him for so long and just AAAAA. And like, if Kuro is briefly visiting the afterlife and having a choice to take the death train because she’s in this paralyzing moment of depression, is that why the lady was there too? Did Kuro accidentally save her from comitting suicide to be with him? Its really fuckin’ good luck that they were able to cross paths in this dreamworld and she could pass on his last words. But also its REALLY DEPRESSING that her telling him to ‘take the train home’ is like.. thats what he was trying to do when he was on the brink of death, and being unable to do it is why he stayed here waiting in this afterlife train station, hoping against hope that he’d somehow be able to actually see his hometown and his girlfriend again, when the only option he had was a far more depressing journey to take. So even though its good that kuro helped him be able to pass on instead of being in pain, but still, would he have actually been able to talk to his girlfriend if he’d waited just a few minutes more??? god this mysterious dream is so confusing and tantalizing aaaaaa it would be a really good way to kill my heart if we actually meet the girlfriend character in the real world later on and see how she’s getting her life back together after his death or if we meet more relatives of the dead folks we saw in that dream

ALSO its really good that Kuro is battling her suicidal inclinations now and actually feeling like she wants to live, because of these lil kids but at the same time its tragic cos she’s still got this deadly plague thats gonna kill her anyway, and its like.. having hope makes it hurt more and OH GOD the line about how she’s decided the new purpose of her journey is to ‘make a new path for them to follow when I’m gone’ she’s decided that instead of having to choose between them and her goal, its just gonna be that if she fails and ends up dying she just wants to have taught them enough to survive on their own afterwards. she could still feel her story was completed if it ends with her having given these kids a new life, even if she never finds out who the witch was or how to stop the curse. OH GOD I CRY SO MUCH FOR THIS WEIRD LITTLE FAMILY

and then OH MAN the mysterious flashback too! that was a good misdirect without even being a twist, sorta?? there’s no big revelation moment and knowing the thing doesnt really change anything, and honestly it makes me feel a bit ‘whoops i should have figured it out straight away’ lol Its a really cool way of delivering a stealth backstory for Sen! Cos we never saw his face in human form before, we kinda were expecting it to continue being shadowed or at least be revealed in some sort of actual reveal scene. but nope, we just get introduced to apparantly some new character who’s a loner prince everyone thinks is a vampire, and then WHOOPS it was sen all along! (also LOL DUDE YOU’LL BE A VAMPIRE IN LIKE FIVE SECONDS, DONT WORRY) And its so obvious in retrospect, we even see that he has a lil girl as his apprentice and he's like ‘just call me sensei, i dont want you to get attatched to me’. But she looks completely different to Kuro so at most I just thought ‘oh it’ll be some sort of analogy or moral to the main story or something’. And then seriously there is NO INSIGHT TO ANYTHING and no explanation of what happened to them or why, its just horribly shocking both to them and the audience. We just get some disconnected cute 4-koma adventures of flashback kuro and sen, revealing a little of how they first met, and then literally kuro just turns around the corner and the panels dissolve into horrifying shadowy hands that tear her apart as she begs sen not to touch her or he’ll be cursed too. AND IT JUST ENDS Like seriously, there wasnt even a STORY to the witch cursing them?? she just appeared in their house one day?? she was fuckin lurking in the library and cursed the first person she made eye contact with???? and sen got dragged into it too cos he was trying to save the poor kid, after all these panels of him being cynical jerk saying he doesn’t care about her, and just.. *SOB*

But actually, I’m wondering why his curse was so much different compared to the formula we’ve seen for every other case of it? its always been this one same disease that makes you rot apart into shadow stuff until you die. Why did he turn into 1000 bats instead? A random theory: maybe he actually did die, and this isn’t really the same curse as kuro’s, this is something that happened to him to save him. The first time we saw the curse in action was from that kid who innocently talked to the witch and wished to use magic too, so maybe it like.. actually is that? Maybe this curse is a literal granting of the wish, maybe this is how she passes on her powers and it just kills people who arent worthy, or something. So i dunno, maybe Kuro has some degree of witch magic locked away deep inside her rotting heart now, and she subconciously used it to save Sen’s life by cursing him with this different curse? that could be A Good Depressing Twist later, cos it could mean that if Kuro gets cured, Sen will die. And I mean, it would explain why Kuro doesnt know she has witch powers, maybe the constant upkeep of maintaining Sen’s spell is taking up all her energy, or something? We never get to see if Mo actually got her wish for magic powers in that terrifying flashback, we just see how she started dying of the shadow plague and then how Kuro found her on the last day of her life and they became friends and then HER LEGS FUCKING FELL OFF AND CRUMBLED INTO DUST AND HER EYE FELL OUT OF HER HEAD and then kuro’s last scrap of optimism died and she decided to carry Mo’s coffin forever out of certainty that the curse would indeed kill her, her quest would fail, and she’d better be prepared for her own funeral And like, when i first read that chapter I thought that this was where Kuro got the curse?? I thought it was contagious from touch or something and by giving Mo a bit of peace on her deathbed she’d picked it up from her. (Though that wouldnt explain why nobody’s ever got infected from interacting with kuro throughout the rest of the story, so it was a bit confusing.) But now we know that apparantly Kuro got the disease way earlier and Mo was just the closest clue she’s ever got to finding the witch again, and a horrible vision of the future that will await her when her curse finishes its course. It makes the whole chapter way more depressing, cos you know the whole time she was suffering from the same disease and she just didnt wanna ruin Mo’s hope that she’d met some cool traveller who was totally gonna go on and live a long life of all the adventures she wanted to have. GODDDD THIS SERIESSSS

and okay seriously THE WORST BIT THAT DESTROYED ME is that we find out the evil witch who did this to both of them is actually the same person as the apaprantly good witch we saw in an earlier chapter who befriended those kids and had a badass retort to the asshole guy and just was really cool?? And its even more depressing if she isnt really evil at all and maybe somehow thinks what she’s doing is helping? she was really innocent in that first chapter and didnt seem to know much about humans. So like.. who did she meet? What did she do? Who taught her something very VERY wrong in the time between that flashback and now? is this just the result of some small shred of her old self left, her wanting to ‘help’ more children...? Cos actually it was kind of a big hint in that chapter, she said ‘i will give you one of my voices’ when she taught that kid how to read as ‘payment’ for him helping her learn what a ‘witch’ is, and that she can be a good one if she wants to. So I mean.. is this just her trying to more literally give part of herself to others to help them, not knowing that it’s hurting them, or maybe being so twisted now that she doesnt even care? ITS SO DEPRESSING! Its funny how I loved and trusted this literal eldritch abomination I saw in this chapter goofily dressing herself up in people clothes and practising pick-up lines, and how terrified I was of what I assumed was a perfectly normal human witch who hurt these poor children. But now its even more depressing if we have this strange nonhuman creature who everyone treated as evil, who was good at heart, who made her first friend, who had so much futrue ahead of her, and then just SOMETHING has happened that sent her down the path of becoming that evil thing everyone said she was in the beginning...

Oh and also i really like the theory I saw that she’s another alchemy experiment of the professor who created Nijiku and Sanju? Cos people call her ‘Hifumi’ and thats a name that can mean a number, same as those two. And it might maybe explain why the professor died in the first place. We just hear him saying he has to finish something before he can allow them out of their cage, and then he never comes back down that staircase ever again, and kuro sees some other empty cage next to his body... Oh and also WHY DONT YOU JUST FUCK ME UP, FINAL CHAPTER IN THIS VOLUME, HOLY SHITTTT It actually fits A LOT with this theory... The last chapter has Sanju accidentally horribly injuring a kitten she was trying to hold, and being terrified because it cant just be stitched together like a toy, or.. well, like herself. We see a flashback of how the twins would break a lot back when they were first created, and the professor would just stitch back Sanju’s one arm that kept rotting off. And they’re like.. kinda terrifyingly eldritch too, more than just simple lil kids who can shapeshift into animals. There was that earlier flashback about how they took a long time to adjust to having physical bodies, and used to phase through walls like ghosts until the professor explained how a cage is supposed to work. Like... only being limited by the laws of reality once they hear them spoken aloud. And apparantly they sat sleeping in those alchemy tubes for a long time and might have even like.. slowly developed into humanoid forms, they might have been some sort of visually terrifying thing in their newborn state. We the audience know that they’re just the same as any other innocent kid in personality, that they’re good kiddos no matter how they were born. But then sometimes we get reminded of their actual origins, and how they’d be potentially VERY dangerous in the wrong hands. And like.. even now we’ve just had a really sad reminder how they can be dangerous even when they’re being raised as normal kids by our kind protagonist, how just forgetting that they lack something that normal humans have can lead to this traumatic experience of one of them killing a small animal and not understanding that it cant be fixed, gAAAAAAHHHH :( Also the associated flashback was REALLY FUCKED UP, holy shit! you see the professor talking about redesigning their next beta with a sense of pain, so they stop accidentally breaking themselves, and apparantly he only managed to finish that modification to nijiku before he died. or, perhaps he only intended to give it to one of them, and is having this creepy detatched view of them where he can think ‘hey I’ll deliberately leave one broken to act as a test case’. that would actually fit a lot with the subtle stuff we know, like how apparantly when they were first born they’d randomly grow and de-grow and fluctuate everything between humanoid and animallike. And he notes how Sanju’s hair always returns to a long length whenever its cut, and just... like, he didnt fix that in her but it seems like Nijiku doesnt have the same problem? Does this mean that he actually did give nijiku a bunch of extra features and not fix mistakes that were hindering sanju, that he’s been doing that from the very beginning? I just thought it was maybe that nijiku never had the same hair problem, but I mean it seems like they started off identical in every other way. God I hope its not gonna be revealed that the prof never loved them at all and he was an abusive dad :(

GAHHH THIS MYSTERIOUS GODDAMN MANGA WITH NO ANSWERS FOR ANYTHING AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[anothervldthingiemabibbie]

A Sixpence Song

Chapter 3: Ink

@klangst-week

Keith writes poems in a notebook, a hobby that he rarely partakes in. It’s strange imagining a brooding, dark-haired teen writing poems about flowers and feelings, but then again…

“I thought you could’ve been something great, but I guess you’re just a dropout.”

“It’s such a shame to see a young man throw his life away like that, without rational thought.”

“Oh what do you know, dropout?”

“You threw away your chance to be something good in this world, you know that? Threw it away on the hope for a dead man.”

“We can’t let him stay, he’s Galran! Who knows what he’ll do!”

“My family is gone because of his kind, my entire planet! All my people! I will not let one of them on my ship, as a Paladin!”

“We were supposed to be fighting Galrans. Isn’t that what we’ve been doing? What do we do now?”

Maybe it’s not difficult to imagine him doing that after all.

Keith’s personal hell is silence.

You wouldn’t think this from a boy who’d lived alone for a long time in the middle of nowhere, but there are many things that are unexpected about Keith.

But the desert isn’t nearly quite as empty as people would expect. There’s lizards that scuttle on the walls at night, distant barks and howls of wild dogs and coyotes on the wind. Owls hoot in the evening and raptors screech in the mornings. And on the rare days when even those are all silent, there’s the cheap shitty radio at the top of the metal drawer, tuned only to one of the few channels available to him.

It was country or static, so he took country.

But now, he didn’t even have the annoying twanging of guitars or gruff voices singing about beer, girls and trucks to comfort him. There’s nothing here but endless darkness and silence, a crushing quiet that sucks any hope out of him. There’s nothing for him here but him and his own head, and a million questions that he can’t answer, doesn’t want to answer, that tear and rip at the edges of his mind, like an itch that he can’t scratch.

Distractions come in the form of sinking into memories, good and bad, any one that is clear. He’s in his first flight class, riding the adrenaline high of piloting the shaking, bouncing flight simulator, stepping out with pride in his chest and one of the highest scores seen ever in the Garrison. He’s thirteen on his first bike, zooming down the street whooping to school, right before he hits a rock and skids nearly a yard on the pavement (there’s still a long, striped scar on his leg from that incident). He’s watching T.V, some documentary on Mothman, mumbling a goodbye as his dad leaves on an ‘errand’. The last time he’d ever see him again.

He bounces back to happier memories, though those are limited. Learning martial arts from Youtube videos and practicing his roundhouse kick in the dormitory alone, while everyone else was out to dinner. Feeling a sense of grim satisfaction in the next memory, when he knocked the front teeth out of that asshole kid who called him a ‘no good sonafabitch bastard fag’ and his bale gray shoes were stained red. A sensation of mild irritation when Iverson chewed him out for it, put him in detention where he was alone, save for the other kid.

The other kid, of course, was Lance. Sitting in the front corner by the door, tapping and doodling on the desk with his pencil. Keith sat on the opposite side, fidgeting awkwardly with the pen he’d ‘borrowed’ from Iverson’s desk earlier, taking it apart and putting it together again. Over and over, cap, spring, ink cartridge, nib, metal ring, outer case. Outer case, metal ring, nib, ink cartridge, spring, cap.

Tap, tap, tap. Goes Lance’s pencil. Keith glances up, and stares. No smile now, instead a rare look of patient serenity. No sign of anger, disappointment, sadness at his situation, but instead an aura of calm. If not for the slow blinks, long fluttering lashes that are the woman’s envy, he could be sleeping.

Snap. Keith had accidentally broke the ink cartridge while putting it back in, and now black ink gushed out over the desk, staining his hands, seeping into the cracks of the white linoleum floor. The teacher in charge, a tired, white matron with severe eyes and a hooked nose, glances up at the noise, sighs angrily, and motions towards the bottle of cleaner and paper towels by the window.

Lance snickers softly on the other end of the room, and Keith feels his neck flush with embarrassment and anger. Accompanied, for some reason, by a strain of pleasure.

For once, he made Lance laugh, not the other way around. And Lance didn’t even know him, earning a bittersweet victory.

As he mops up the chemical-smelling liquid up the floor, the tap-tap-tapping ensues, except now it’s not a simple monotonous pattern. It’s seemingly erratic, short clips there, pauses here, and occasionally he would still his hand and go completely still, as if listening, before continuing his tapping.

Morse. Keith realizes, and he nearly wants to laugh. He’s talking in Morse, probably to one of his friends by the door. And sure enough, when he looks up at the door, there’s that big dude Hunk, the kid that you couldn’t hate for the life of you and almost always had to accept hugs from-most of the time you didn’t have a choice anyway, the guy had arms like a bear. His hand raps out of sight, on the doorframe, a quiet muted series of thumps that took a keen ear to hear.

Keith watches as Lance listens intently, grins devilishly, and taps back a response. A laugh bubbles in his stomach; for a kid who was made of movement and was hardly still, here he was, able to learn Morse to talk to a friend through the door.

He starts wiping down the desk, scrubbing the ink off. In the few moments since it’s release, it was already sticky and hardening, and took a considerable amount of force to remove it. As he moves his hand in circular movements, he listens to the conversation.

Im so b-o-r-e-d Lance even took the time to add a second’s pause between letters, for emphasis. You had to admit, one had to admire the dedication to dramatic flair.

Cant do much for you there. Is Hunk’s faint reply. Movie night?

Uh hell yeah Jeez, he even took the time to communicate seemingly trivial thoughts. And for some reason, this makes him seem all the more likeable. He’s human, and he communicates this in stupid dorky ways. Pop the corn!

Hunk rolls his eyes. Hows detention

Eh not that bad just me here. He stops for a moment. Oh yeah me and keith

Hunk blinks in surprise. You mean top of class keith?

Only one keith i know dude Lance smirks. Man hes even more emo up close

I wouldnt say that fifteen feet away is close lance but whatever you say

Hunk seriously though hes so weird Keith’s blood seem to chill as he translates this. Like he just spilled ink everywhere and i think hes staring at me

All the teachers expect more out of him thatd turn me a little weird too tbh

Yeah but like hes so weird A brief moment of quiet where he contemplates for a choice of words, and during which Keith increases his attempts, lemony smell of the cleaner stinging his nose as he squeaks the towel against the table. Like what the hell is up with the haircut? And hes so quiet

Keith doesn’t catch Hunk’s response, but he does hear Lance’s, despite his attempts to drown it out. And he hardly talks to anyone. It’s like he has no friends

Pause for Hunk. Yeah but seriously hes sorta creepy Pause for Hunk. That wouldnt be surprising Pause for Hunk. He always one upping me and it pisses me off. Its bad enough that im barely scraping by but then here comes mr hotshot and suddenly hes teachers shining example. Its all keith this keith that and im sick of it. Everytime iverson says his name i want to barf

By now Keith was struggling not to shake. It was like being stabbed, except remembering a mishap he had a long time ago with a knife, stab wounds hurt less. When using a sharp enough knife, all you remember about it is that it's cold and everything's dizzy. Now, it felt like the air was a thousand times colder than a knife accident in the warm spring sunlight, and his head reeled violently. The desk, despite having been cleared away of ink several minutes ago, was still suffering Keith’s violent scrubbing.

“Keith. Keith Kogane!”

He blinks; the teacher is calling his name. “Yes?”

“You may go.” And with her final words, and he releases his hold on the world, watching it dissolve back into the eternal inky darkness. Lance, Hunk, and the teacher pay no mind as they vanish into specks of light that are quickly swallowed by the shadows.

Of all the memories he could have chosen to relive, it was that one. The one that haunts his dreams and tugs on his brain. But he needed it for the pain, the pain was what reminded him that he was still human, he was alive, he was real. He was still Keith Kogane, ingrate, dropout, excelled student, future fighter pilot, top of the class. Still Keith Kogane, Red Lion Paladin, tired sixteen year old, stupid teen with a crush on a boy, listened to country music. Still here. Still alive. Still real.

He chooses a nicer memory this time, one that’s soft and gentle. A lullaby he picked up somewhere, accompanied by soft guitar and warmth. His eyes are closed in this one, all fuzzy splotches of pink behind his eyelids, and he welcomes the feeling.

He doesn’t go back to the inky darkness for a long time.

[writingsonhellswalls]

winter whispers.

This is a angsty mini-fic about my character Sarafina and @ladykakata​ ‘s character Joa! This is set some time in the future of the story we are writing. Joa is off fighting a war, Sarafina is at their home. Enjoy! Tell me what you think! This was written in a little over an hour on a school night because I was grumpy about homework. Fic below the cut! 

I did not edit this beyond a brief run through with spell check. Its 11:30 and I need the sleep. 

OH! Question for Lady Kakata: Can you guess which other character I mentioned? ^-^ 

Nestled in her bed of warm furs and blankets, was the red haired beauty and lady of the castle.  It was to be expected the woman was sleeping, but in fact she was wide awake. A winter storm had  raged against the stone building and kept her awake most of the night. It didn't help her situation that she was alone after having just recently gotten used to sleeping beside someone. Sarafina wanted to nothing more then to roll onto her side and place her cheek to her husband's chest but it was impossible. Instead of warming her bed and perhaps the rest of her, he was off fighting in a war. It almost caused her physically ache for him, but those were sad thoughts she did her best to keep away.

A sound of annoyance escaped her as she rose form her bed, tossing the covers off only to regret her choice instantly. She hadn't yet full accepted that despite her room being the best in the castle, it wasn't always as warm as her bed. Her annoyance grew further as she attempted to pull on every layer of clothing she had. Heavy furred boots were the last addition to her outfit. She wore a simple dress, a bodice made loose simply because she put it on herself. The dress itself was made in the fancy of most northern clothing, heavy and warm. Lastly a pretty emerald colored cloak, lined with soft brown fur from summer rabbits, the only gift she didn't complain about, it was both pretty and functional.

She paused only for a moment to fix the braid she slept in, tucking away all stray hairs before departing. Hykross castle was alive with the bustle of life. Servants and guards travelled  about, tending to the castle after the storm. She hoped no one would notice her presence and she could slip by unnoticed, but being the Lady of the Castle prevented that.

"Your grace," A young woman said in passing, curtsying slightly. Sarafina offered her a small smile and bow of her head. She had come along ways since meeting and falling in love with her husband, the fact she was called 'your grace' was still new to her. Part of her wanted to ask them not to bother with it, but it was an old tradition that would take far longer to break then she'd be alive. Having exchanged formalities, Sarafina found her way down from her room and outside without too much trouble. She had stopped to ask the head servant about their stores, if the storm got worse. They exchanged brief words about what to be expected, Sarafina asked him to send out a few guards to check on the village just a short ten-minute ride from the castle. Despite having never governed over anything beyond her sheep, Sarafina had taken to the task of helping the villagers with great care.

Upon leaving the castle doors she quickly made her way to the stables. The apprentice stable hand greeted her with a small smile, she asked him to saddle up her mare so she could go for a short ride. The man showed some concern but had grown used to her request. It was almost twice daily that Sarafina took her ride and he learned long ago not to bother asking where she went. The young woman always said she went to the ridge, knowing full well that the castle was hidden within a mountain range. There were a variety of ridges that could be ridden to in less than an hour.

It took him only half of an hour to saddle her large, mountain bred mare. Sarafina didn't bother to wait inside the castle, but stayed near the stables until she brought out. Sarafina didn't bother to wait for help on climbing onto her horse, instead she pulled herself up and set off. A single guard followed right after her for her protection and not because she wanted him to.

Pulling the hood of her cloak up, Sarafina attempted to shield her face from the bite of the cold air, but little could be done. The wind was unforgiving, turning her cheeks red and biting harshly. She didn't seem to mind.

The path to the 'her ridge' was well mapped out in her head and the ground itself. No amount of snow could fully hide the beaten path, her mare even seemed to know the way well. The guard behind her kept a safe distance, preferring not to upset Sarafina if he rode too close. It wasn't that she disliked his company, it was that the ridge had become her place. A spot within her husband's land that she claimed for herself. Somewhere she could go when she wanted to get away for a little while.

Arrival at the ridge had her dismounting quickly. There was a lone tree that grew without any help beyond it's own roots. Symbolic in a way, Sarafina had found the tree suitable to climb and so she did. Hand over hand and slowly at first, Sarafina climbed up just until she was able to nestle herself and have a vintage point to the valley below. Her cloak remained some shelter from the wind, the tree providing the rest. It was purely for her own selfish reasons why she wanted visited the ridge everyday. She wanted nothing more than to be the first person to see her husband return home, this ridge provided that view.

Having grown used to the way the mountains seemed to carry their own time, Sarafina knew she could stay in her spot until the eastern light touched a particular set of trees. Her eyes went back and forth from those trees to the valley out in front of her as her mind wandered.

It normally went first to the war itself. Why it was being fought and how her husband had decided to risk his life and take what was rightfully the North's. Usually at first thought of her husband, Sarafina's senses would feel with the memory of him. His fierce icy gaze, sent those faint of heart running away. His eyes however, often warmed her, she assumed it was because he loved her. Continuing to picture his image in her head, next were his lips.  Her own lips ached with the loss of his, she wondered how much longer she would have to go without the taste of him. Even her ears seemed to miss the sound of his voice, the way he whispered her name when it was just the two of them. A jolt of something undefinable ran through her at the mere  thought of his whispers. Clearing her head of such thoughts, she felt the slightest fading blush fall away from her cheeks. The cold air helped with it.

Content with watching the valley below, Sarafina did her best to push away all the sad thoughts, but a few crept their dark claws into mind. Fear prickled against her skin as she feared that her loving husband would never return. She didn't consider herself a religious woman, but having found love in a man who didn't want to break her spirit had given her some faith. With that new faith she prayed to who ever listened of his safe return. She wouldn't fall to her knees in prayer, but did so in the safety of her tree. The first weeks away from him she prayed of his quick return. As the weeks turned into months, her prayers also changed. Instead of being quick returned, she prayed for him to be safe and unharmed. When news travelled back, it spread like wildfire of the harshness of the war. Men dying in the fields, some suffering in medical tents. Her prayers changed for him to come home alive. She knew in her heart that it didn't matter if he came home scarred or beaten, she simply wanted him alive. Her love for him would overcome anything physical.

The dark thoughts continued to grow until felt the first of many tears begin to fall. Sarafina had learned to cry silently as to not alert the guard that often followed her out to the ridge. Instead she let them slip down her cheeks and fall from her chin. While she wanted to maintain the image of being a strong woman, it was almost impossible to hold back the tears. Her beloved husband could be dead and half buried in some forsaken field and she wouldnt know for weeks, she hated how slow news travelled. Everyday she fought the urge to take off and go find him. At least if she was near the battles she'd be able to go to him, see that he was okay. However, deep down she knew if she has somehow found her way to him she'd likely protest and try to hold him back from joining the fight. Adding to that would be the fear of watching him die. Sarafina knew she'd just get in the way of the healers who would do their best to save him. Despite how much she missed him, Sarafina knew her place was in Hykross.

When she married him she knew that it wasn't just to him, but to his title as well. She was now the Duchess of Hykross, a woman who would need to lead in her husband's absence. At first she was terrified of such a task, turning to the few advisors that stayed behind for all the guidance they could provided. There were plenty of times in the early weeks of him being gone that she felt unsuitable for the job. While she never questioned their relationship or the love between them, she did question why he would let her lead. His advisors were far better suited for the job, however like before they were old traditions not easily broken.

With time the tears dried enough for her to wipe them away. The ache in her chest had lessened only a little but it was still a relief. Carefully finding her way down the tree, she adjusted her cloak before remounting her mare. The horse had dozed off but quickly woke at the sound of her rider.

Turning her mare with the reins, Sarafina rode past the guard who bowed slightly as she rode past him.

"I think I'll go to the village later today, I want to check on the food stores there, make sure they have a enough in case we have a bigger storm," Sarafina told him.

"That sounds like a good idea, your grace, I'll ask a few more guards to join us. We can set out after breakfast," The man spoke as Sarafina nodded in approval to suggestion before urging her mare into a light trot. She gave one parting glance to the tree as the wind seemed to pick up again. Taking this as a sign, Sarafina whispered a soft prayer asking the wind to send a message to whatever gods listened to bring her husband home alive. She would be okay with a little more waiting.

[ayatanskywalker4u]

NO ONE CAN BLAME YOU FOR WALKING AWAY

Does the story end when we go? Does love die if the pages stop turning? I hope so because Im in pain. How do u tell someone "you cheated 1st"? I slept with two women and the other I still love. I read her tumblr page when she wasnt looking, its not like i was the greatest guy. She said stuff like i said mean things. I know i did. Like a kid throwing a tantrum because i dreamed of a future. You know, having kids a house, maybe a dog. If i didnt love her why risk going to jail to save her life? Her father threatened to call the cops on me when i banged on the door yelling and crying shouting "SHES DYING" it was raining that night like some movie and me running through it. We were always there for eachother whether it was a prayer or a hand. I asked her to marry me and she said yes, that was somewhere in the middle.

Theres a lot that happened, some NSFW stuff that happened to her. I could see it breaking her. And when we finally met again she was laughing about some of the graphic content. She told me the old her was dead, like she was just looking past me. Like the night she was dying from an overdose. She didnt see the man that loves her. She only saw what she wanted to see.

When the ambulance took her away i met her the next day in the hospital ward. I will always remember this because as i turned away from her hand i felt her standing there almost begging me not to leave. I had to go, i joined the military.

What went through my mind during that moment was does she love me, then why didnt she call me before the pills? And she's slept with other men to boot. But i was always there even if it made me mad.

There was this other girl, Ebony. She was pretty but so was Ashley. I wanted to try getting back at her for running around. And no i didnt go to bed with Ebony after Ashley's incident. Not right after. I still shouldnt have. "He who touches a women divored commiteth adultery." The same goes for man. I sinned against my very heart which was Ashley and now she hates me.

Im not the type to go get a new dog when we have to put down o'l yeller. When my dog Ginger died i never replaced her. Can you replace a son or a daughter, a father or mother? Can you replace the person you almost lost your life for? I guess the question is should you though. I hate sounding like im giving up on what i believe in. I love ginger and i believe in a better place.

I stayed gone to military training until 2010. Ashley called in the beginning to see if i was alright. I was still mad at her. Was she sleeping with others even though i wasnt around even Ebony? Lol no but ebony was sleeping against me and Ashley even stalked her to find out for me. I thought she was manipulating my emotions. That was the beginning of our downfall. I called her, Ashley, right around my graduation. I was outside of a hotel the privates threw a party at. I missed her and decided to go outside and call her. She was with some other man sadly. Probably doing some NSFW with him as my heart breaks. She laughed at me over the phone, like hey Ash come on its OB. Im still here. I graduated but the woman i love left me.

After the military i called her every now and again. She wouldnt pick up most of the time. I joined the conservation corps and just decided to wait until she asked me to come over. My heart was racing when she asked to talk, funny enough i believe i quit there right beforehand.

We talked about a lot of stuff. Mainly she talked about the guy and the NSFW stuff. All while looking off in the distance just smiling and giggling about how he made her scream and broke the cheap Walmart bed. I was getting upset. Holding my tongue. But when she told me her father touched her, thats when i cracked. I laughed at her pain because it seemed like she was ignoring mine. I missed her forever and a day and she was just, idk she was something, a happy i wouldnt call happy. I spent the night i think, even tried to pull a night with her but its like she just hated me. The last time i recalled ever seeing her was the hospital. She must have held the hospital and ebony against me.

Fast forward to the next day she drops me off at my house. As i stare at her wondering whats going on in her head, probably the dudes equipment, she reaches out and tries to hug me. I pushed her hands away, like she just wanted me to feel like everything was going to be alright. She only wanted to chase tail. Like all those moments over the years we were together didnt matter. I know she was talkin to someone else, i felt like i couldnt "satisfy" her anymore in a way. She definitely didnt like my moves the night before. I watched her get back in the car and drive off.

Some years passed and we lost the house. I overdosed on i think excedrin. That was the night she wouldnt pick up her phone. Funny enough that bottle wasnt enough to finish the job. The cycle of wanting to die when you lose a love like a dog, pig, cow, man women, whatever its hard to kill unless you have hope.

I gathered my senses and decided to leave california for Minnesota. The week prior was bad though. I started hallucinating and i heard voices. I started developing schizophrenia, and destroyed my mothers house due to it. Back to the following week im leaving for Minnesota and Tony tells me he has a gun he wants to sell. I figure i'd buy it when i get paid. You guessed it, im looking to make the job quick. Ashley didnt love me anymore. She wont miss me anyways. I Know how to pull an M9 apart blind folded and put it back together within seconds. I know the central nervous system is what you aim for. Its in the back of the skull at the nape of the neck. You'd leave this world in seconds. I know it sounds grim but come on, its better than commiting adultery against my heart. Who wants to live and suffer at the same time?

Tony saw me brandishing the piece and hid it from me i was crying about what i had done to everyone.

Tony ended up ditching me in Minnesota, luckily it wasnt my first time eating out of a trash can. Home is where you make it. Some people at the shelter became my friends and we played guitars together. But i wasnt as good with the guitar as i am now.

Salvation army was my first job in Minnesota, i was just happy again. I grew my hair out and styled it down, not like Prince and less greasy. After work id go get a drink. I worked that job for about two months i know because my birthday had passed and i believe i turned 25.

2015 came down and i still was asking god what now. I was skinny and handsome playing the guitar with a job. There were women who'd look and stare and some thought i was full of myself. The truth is i just wanted to be able to hold ashley if she ever fell in my arms. I was kinda muscly. I always told myself that one day her legs will fail but id be ready, the muscles werent just for show.

I hit on a few women but i never chased. Id go to the library every now and again to read. And then it hit me, even though i had no cell phone i could use the computers, Ashley was the 1st thing on my mind. I called, i dont think she answered but messaged back. She sounded angry. She was pregnant is what she was. Little did i know. All said and done she left me feeling more empty than i had planned. I started getting angry at God, "if you control everything and move everything, why are you moving me toward Ashley? She doesnt even see the love anymore or remember the sacrifices."

The train to the mall was coming by soon. I went to the liquor store with a plan. Buy as much fireball whiskey as i can consume and jump off of the mall of america. The train was sluggish, probably because i had been drinking. I fell into a doze just before the last stop, "The Mall of America". I woke up and walked slowly, tipsy, toward the elevators to the 6th floor. I heard a voices as i walked to the ledge. I turned around to see if anyone was watching me, my back against the guard rail. I climbed on top and looked down, liquor really did help. I turned my head up and told God "you want my life? You can have it". I let go of my hands back toward the earth and fell asleep.

When i woke up it was about 2 weeks later. My vision was blurry but i made out my mom crying on my chest. I slowly reached and touched her scalp. She didnt know i woke up. Short lived, i went back to sleep. Not just my mom was there but my sister too. They drove from California. How did they find me with no ID?

I stayed in that hospital for 3 months, due to my injuries and placed in the psych ward. My family visited me every few months. All that was going through my head is 'I'm alive" it took me a while to figure out how to use my legs being one has nerve damage now. But i started walking before my bones could fully fuse. The nurses told me to stop.

After i gained disability and got placed in housing, i bought a game to occupy my time. No more work outs, no more running, just me trying to forget the reasons i gave up on life. A couple months to about a year later my mother asks if i want to leave the housing and save the disability money. I said yes to that. I didnt know they'd take me back to california on my birthday. It was a nostalgic drive.

I picked up a walking routine and decided talking to ashley was always going to end with her thinking about my faults. I stopped calling her for probably 4-5 years no messages, nothing.

One day my mom asks if i want to go for a ride and talk. We drove until we reached the on ramp she passes me her phone with a picture of Ashley holding a baby. It was Zipporah. What should i have felt? If ashley is dead why did ashley hold onto the dream? And share it with someone who just left her holding the bag. I couldnt believe it after how hard we tried to bring her into this world.

But i cant chase Ashley anymore, i cant even run, literally.

I didnt know if she was married or not to the dude all i know is his ass wasnt in any pictures with the baby. Ive done some searchin around, he was some dead beat who'd prey on women revealing there weak sides on the internet instead of reality. Yeah I never liked virtual dating. That or the websites. Why do for me what i can do myself?

Even after zipporah was in my view i was a happy mad. Happy that Ashley finally got her family minus the father. But mad at the whoremonger man who just left her. I was a little sore with Ashley for hiding it.

Its been a a year and a couple months after the pictures were seen. I started forcing the thought of Ashley out. I wanted her to disappear, me or her, but mainly me. She wants to chase body parts thats on her. But Im broken now. I still love her and sure some might say less than before but i say im just skeptical now. Besides what good is seeing me broken going to do for her? Idk if she'd just laugh at me again. I kinda wish she would, so i can take these feelings and curse the day she ever earned my love.

Whats the point in arguing though. We were so happy until people stepped in and sabotaged our emotions. You hate me for cheating, laughing at what happened between the father and you and walking away. When i should have stayed. I forgave all the crap in the past. But im almost done.

The doctors told me i dont have much time left after my jumping act. I messed up my innards pretty good. The alcohol relaxed the impact though. I dont want to tell my mother, she'd flip over what im talking about. I think i can close the book on this life well too.

Even though i didnt get to help raise the dreams we shared i learned you still held onto dead things just to keep the dream alive. Ashley is alive in there somewhere, only ashley would name that baby zipporah.

I can leave happy.

[shg11]

When Kevin Braddock hit rockbottom, he had every intention of killing himself. He recounts what happened next and reveals why so few men ask for help

It was a Monday when Robin Williams killed himself three years ago Monday 11 August 2014. His death was shocking even if in hindsight it shouldnt have been a surprise that the worlds funniest man might also be the most sorrowful, too a person despairing to the point of ending it all.

Its a date I remember well, because Id spent the previous day trying to do the same thing. I was in the psychiatric ward of the Berlin hospital which Id been manhandled into by friends the day before, and I was waiting to see the doctor whod asked me to promise that I wouldnt kill myself.

In her consultation room Id thought about it for a while; Id already told her all I could about what led me to try to die. Id described the methods looping ceaselessly through my mind as I was slumped on the pavement near Berlins TV Tower: the gun, the noose, the blade, the pills, the bottle. The gun, the noose the mantra that would not stop. Since the only thing to hand was the nearby sptkauf (off-licence), Id resolved to drink my way to unreality.

Id told the doctor my history of depression, anxiety, panic attacks, drink, drugs, meds, love and fear, my crises of faith and existential dread, and all the other things that seem to go with being human in the 21st century. I had few words left in me, but mumbling through endless tears with my hands in my lap, Id mouthed the words to her: I promise.

I hadnt gone through with the act, but God knows Id wanted to wanted to end it all and wanted it all to end. I was outpatiented for a while, and friends and loved ones looked after for me. Three years later, they still do.

How had things got so bad? In 2009, fed up with London, I bought a one-way ticket to Tegel with vague plans to hang out for a couple of months and run the Berlin marathon. Two months turned into six, then a year and eventually half a decade in that beautifully confused city. In the teeth of this current crisis, Id been struggling to hold things and myself together at the magazine where I was working. Id begun, falteringly, to deal with the dependencies that had got a grip on me (Id long been a heavy, problematic drinker, and Berlin is an easy city in which to hedonise, although by the standards of Berghain regulars, I was a total lightweight).

Meanwhile, depression and anxiety, old adversaries which Id suffered incapacitating episodes with at 21 and 30, had begun ranging back on to my neurological horizons. Id also caught glandular fever, fallen in love, and turned 42 which, as readers of Douglas Adams know, is the meaning of life. I was perpetually stressed, exhausted and despairing at work and it didnt take much for the cascade to begin: yet another work problem, a row, some piece of bad news.

Looking back, Im surprised at how fast I unravelled, how the energyless fog of depression condensed into an electric psychosis, how despair became madness. One day, one of my editors had asked if I was all right. I said: No, Im not, and started listing conflicts and confusions. (I was also surprised that she asked: I mean, its generally not the way that bosses look out for their employees.) A few days later I was in hospital.

Madness comes at you fast, to paraphrase the social media clich.

None of this is to equate my life or story with Robin Williamss in any way, apart from to say that I made it through what the doctor wrote down as a schwere (major) depressive episode, whereas Williams didnt, and Im thankful that one of us is around to talk about this stuff. Above all, Im grateful I found the courage to ask for help.

Facebook gets a lot of stick these days, but in one sense it kept me alive, because Facebook was where I asked for help in a status update that Sunday afternoon which read: Im at the bottom now, can a German speaker come to St Hedwigs with me, I need help, along with my phone number.

I dont know how long Id been there, or how many bottles of Augustiner beer to the worse I was. But I do remember an alternative thought forming from the cognitive murk: I could ask for help. Sure, everyone would see what a pitiful, drunken, helpless, tearful state I was the opposite of what Id prefer to project, yet also the truth. But the thought came: theres another way. I couldnt speak, I seemed to have been silenced, but there was my phone I could test the limits of this thing which helps people (and I quote) connect with friends, family and other people you know.

Keep talking: Tom Chapmans Lions Barber Collective is turning a network of barber shops into safe spaces for men to open up in.

After a few minutes the phone went red hot, bleeping, flashing and ringing. I was hardly in a suitable frame of mind to process these messages, but looking at them a few days later, they said things like: Youll get through this; Stay positive; You are loved; and simply Love you. Some friends offered places in which to recuperate, others offered to come over. Not only was I ashamed at the alarm Id caused, I was also shocked at the volume of support that came through. There turned out to be more in the world than blank nothingness after all.

Help came, and rapidly. Friends took me to the hospital, and my life began to change.

Whether its an effect of social media or not, recently theres been a wave of men admitting to anxiety, depression or addiction, or of having attempted to kill themselves, or knowing someone whos seen the act through, problems which respect neither class, race, age or status and which, statistically and anecdotally, seem to be on the rise.

When Stormzy or Prince Harry admit that they, too, have feelings, struggles and doubts, these confessions challenge the Strength Myth which men have long laboured under. They also represent a tacit plea for help, a kind of Save me from what Im supposed to be, which usually means autonomous, successful, potent, dominant, along with all the other clichs of whats been termed hegemonic masculinity.

And when another male celebrity Ant McPartlin being the latest checks into rehab, you sense that the work being done by organisations such as the Campaign Against Living Miserably (which aims to raise awareness of mental illness and prevent suicide in men) or Tom Chapmans Lions Barber Collective (which is turning a worldwide network of barber shops into safe spaces for men to open up in) is vital.

People are opening up more instead of hiding; things are getting better, says Chapman from his salon in Torquay. Men are starting to feel comfortable talking to one another about their worries, problems and self-doubts, or going to see a GP or a health professional. Chapman decided to set up the Lions Barber Collective as a charity engaged with mens mental health awareness after a friend killed himself. Theres something about the relationship between a barber and their client where theres complete trust, he says.

The Campaign Against living Miserably cites figures from the Office for National Statistics that suicide currently stands as the biggest single killer of men aged under 45 in the UK. In 2014, there were 6,109 suicides in the UK, of which 76% were male. The ratio of male to female suicide has shown a sustained rise over the past 30 years. In 1981, men accounted for 62% of suicides, with the figure rising to 70% in 1988, 75% in 1995 and 78% in 2013.

All of which is why its heartening that in recent years the conversation on the meaning of masculinity has been growing in volume, running parallel to a wider openness on mental illness and health in society today.

The Royal Foundations Heads Together charity harnesses Princes William and Harry and the Duchess of Cambridge to a mission encouraging people to open up about these problems. At a speech given on World Mental Health Day in October 2016, Prince Harry said: Too often we think mental health problems are things that happen to other people, not us. But we will all experience pressure on our mental health at some point during our lives. The more we accept that, the better we can help each other. Catching it and recognising it early saves lives. Its time we ended the shame around mental health the fear of judgment that stops people talking or getting help.

When Stormzy admits he, too, has struggles, it challenges the Strength Myth which men have long laboured under. Photograph: Shirlaine Forrest/WireImage

A few months after my breakdown I returned to the UK and spent a deep, grey winter with my tirelessly patient parents, in the room where I grew up. News arrived one day of a family friend whod taken an overdose thankfully she survived. And on a train one evening I fell into an initially sheepish conversation with a woman in her 50s, each of us cryptically tiptoeing around what we both guessed was going on in each of us.

Well, Ive been ill, I told her, rather euphemistically.

Me, too, she said. Er mind if I ask what kind of ill?

It took some gentle work to overcome a barrier of shame between us, but once we had, the talk became extraordinarily candid and affirming. Shed been visiting her support group. She recounted details of her own psychotic episodes and an attempt to kill herself, then handed me an A4 pamphlet simply entitled My Story, which was heartbreaking along with being one of the bravest, most honest stories Id ever read. We made friends and resolved to stay in touch.

My own story developed, too. I spent a year living monastically in a friends boxroom in Bristol, discovering that recovery is a process rather than a destination, a project of constant modifications and setbacks with modestly miraculous breakthroughs that convince you that life is worth living. Things that have helped me include: learning, sobriety, therapy, meds, volunteering, tai chi, vitamin B, walking, talking, working and much more.

Something else helped. A few days after being taken to hospital, someone I hadnt seen for a decade read my Facebook message and wrote to say: From now on, Kev, be completely honest and open about this stuff. Confront it all head on. And seeing as youre a writer, write it all down. I was consoled by his concern, but also perplexed as to why he was so adamant about this tactic. It turns out his sister had taken her own life.

Recently I was back in Berlin to share the story I wrote down with the people who picked me up and kept me going. It turned into a book I made with my friend Enver, called Torchlight: a Publication About Asking for Help, which details my experiences of breakdown and recovery.

If that sounds like a rather crass sales pitch at the end of a story of common human dysfunction, Id counter that by saying that while we are overwhelmed by digital technologies these days, theres a striking lack of social technologies to assist people in asking for help, talking about their experiences, or sharing the methods they use to deal with the darkness. Facebook offered me the chance to ask for help, but any recovering Ive been fortunate enough to do has been social in the original sense of the word: person-to-person, with friends, family, therapists, study groups, recovery fellowships, sympathetic employers and colleagues, with people I met randomly on trains or in rooms, always in collaboration with others. Recovery is a social exercise that can be assisted but never replaced by digital technologies.

Something else I know now is that we fall apart, alone and in private, but we heal together, with others, the ones who arent shocked or scared by what they see when the mask of shame is removed.

At torchlightsystem.com you can buy Kevins book Torchlight, watch his short film and purchase Practice Cards which offer hints for daily living when suffering from depression and anxiety. The Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123, and Mind on 0300 123 3393

Read more: https://www.theguardian.com/society/2017/aug/13/why-do-men-suffer-depression-in-silence

[georgielou-50913]

a sad questionnaire

What do you wish was different?

My life. I wish things had turned out different, I wish my family wasnt so against me, i wish i wasnt so damaged, i wish i was a better person. i wish everything about my life was different, just not him. he is perfect. he is the ONLY thing keeping me alive, keeping me going. but god i wish things were different.

What’s the hardest part about that?

things cannot change. i am too damaged, and unless you can bring back my little girl i will never be able to feel any different. so im better off dead yeah? things could be a little different if i didn't live here. but thats not going to change for a very long time.

Are you thinking about anything bad that might happen?

so many things? so work hasnt been greatly lately i havent been getting the hours i need. my nan (who i live with) has basically told me if i cant pay the rent ill be homeless. my boyfriend has a big family and stays with his parents so theres nothing they can do for me, they dont have the room. i couldnt pay my rent last month, and i dont know if im going to be able to this month either. i cant afford to live in my own place nor can i make that decision because i dont know if ill ever be able to pay the rent. i am not getting any work, no where near enough. not even 200 quid per month. last month i earnt 140 quid, i get paid by the hour and theres no work. im trying so hard to find a new job but its not that easy anymore. shes making my life hell every single day and there is nothing i can do. if im homeless i will just throw myself off a bridge.

What was the sad bit there for you?

being stuck in this house, that i cannot change, being spoken down to every day, all day. getting inside my head telling me how useless and worthless i am, basically i was better off dead.

What are you thinking might go wrong here?

as above..... im going to become homeless, if not this month then next month? i cant pay everything, im in debt. i cant even pay my phone bill. i cant afford to pay anything, nothing at all. my boyfriend helped me last month and left himself in further debt. i cant do that to him, he cant afford to keep us both going when he sis struggling to keep himself going. 

What else has happened that makes this worse?

my uncle recently went into hospital, and me and luke did absolutely everything we did to help him and my nan, but now that luke has no money and is running on barely any petrol.. i said i may not be able to help for a while and basically this has caused a huge storm at home for me, she will not allow my boyfriend in the house anymore and is basically ruining my life now, coming into my room several times a day to rip the shit out of me, reminding me every hour how much she hates me and i feel like im stuck in an incredibly bad emotional abusive relationship and there truly is no way out, im already stressed as it is, i keep breaking into tears all the time. i didnt say i WOULDNT help i just said that it was going to be a bit harder, i didnt deserve the way she spoke to me or the way she is treating me, especially luke.

Do you know why you feel upset about this, or do you just feel upset?

i think ive explained all that above. basically its a neverending thing of talking down to me and telling me how worthless i am and im fat, and stupid, and selfish, and evil and mean, i am better off dead. why was i even born? to suffer? why me.

What is the worst thing about that?

the worst thing is its my own nan who is making me feel this way. the one lady i have looked up to my whole life and would do anything for. and she is making me want to die.

What else is hard about that situation?

its put a lot of strain on all my other realtionships, i have tried to break up with luke on several occassions when that isnt even what i want to do. that is not what i want i just dont want him getting mixed up in all this situation. im trying to protect him aswell. but i dont want him to see me this way, ive lost my appetite i dont want to eat, im letting myself go completely i could just sleep all day, sleep forever.

Do you feel more sad/hurt/angry/worried about that or some other feeling?

ive suffered depression most of my life anyway but i always fight it you know? this time i cant shake it, ive been suffering for months and its getting worse, with a strong history of self harming i havent resorted to that yet, but its becoming more and more appealing, and this time ive relied more on alcohol than hurting myself, because self harm is only short term relief, alcohol lets me forget for the whole day and i can relax.  i just dont think im going to break it this time.

Are you worried about people thinking this?

i dont really have anyone to talk to, i dont want lukes family thinking im a bad influence for him to be with, although they say they are there to listen, especially his sister, i dont want to be a burden and i dont want to vent all this on them, i dont want advice. i dont want help. well i do.... but what can they really do to help me? i have to be careful of what i write on social media.... i am not attention seeking, more like a cry for help.

On a scale from 1-10, how worried/upset/mad/scared/hurt are you about this?

10. .....way more than 10.. i want to die.

 Okay, so how about compared to this other thing?  What is worse 

both the fear of being homeless and the constant abuse im getting by staying here. the fact of me being stuck in this house being told every day all day how worthless i am, is the worse, its classed as emtoional abuse, making someone want to die is bad. i dont know if she realises this is what she is doing. i cant really compare. not knowing whether im going to be homeless at the end of the month is terrifying, where will i go?  i cant say which is worse, because both are as bad as eachother.

When you aren't busy/when you are lying in bed at night - what are the things that make you most upset?

not knowing whether im going to get work the next day, wondering if its going to be enough. wondering whether tomorrow will be easier, i share a room with my nan so i get constant abuse right from the minute i wake up to the second i fall asleep. its neverending.

Is there anything about this you feel embarrassed or ashamed about?

the fact that my own nan is ruining my life? tearing me apart. ripping my heart into pieces... ashamed. yes.

What are the some of the things you're worried people might be thinking about you?

i dont want her to tell people that i was selfish, i never said i wouldnt help. we have done so much for the past couple weeks, and before. she is making it sound like we did nothing, and that all we cared about was money, she barely gave us anything, and what she did was purely for petrol because we have absolutely no money atall... so its been incredibly hard. we did these things because we wanted to help. and shes thrown it all back in our faces. i cant forgive that. but now she tells people that i am selfish, that i did nothing to help. that i did not want to help and this was not the case atall.

How often are you feeling upset about it?

it doesnt go away, when i have her constantly reminding me all day that i am a worthless useless horrible evil nasty fat useless waste of space. it doesnt end. i am getting worse.

What do you wish you could change about yourself in all of this?

i wish i could be as special as my sister, she is so proud of her. i wish she could of been proud of me too, i made some mistakes in life, and i pay for them everyday. i wish you could be proud of me too. thats all i ever wanted to hear from you, not how you wish youd never adopted me into your home.

What makes you feel a bit better about all of this?

having luke by my side.

What's the most frustrating part of it all?

I cannot defend myself with the way she talks to me, because if i do id get thrown out in seconds. then what do i do?  Ive also badgered on at my boss to give me more work, explained my situation and all they say is there is no more work to give me. ive been applying for other jobs for months and had a few interviews but its just not worked out. i dont know what else to do.

What do you think people don't understand about this?

there is only so much you can push someone. and i am at the very end, i speak to people but they just tell me to either ignore it or find another job. no it is not that fucking simple! how do you ignore someone who is constantly in your face reminding you of how shit you are every single day.

What would make this a little better?

if i could move into lukes house, he tells me if i become homeless that would happen, but i dont think he is right, his parents have already said theyd love to take me in but there genuinely is no room.  i just want to get away fromt this place.

What is coming up in your week that will be hard because of this?

well i have another week till payday, that is the day i find out my fate i suppose. am i going to be homeless again..

When was the last time you cried about this?

today, ive lost count how many times ive cried today, cried myself to sleep last night, ive been crying everyday.

What helps you cope?

tumblr, online games, working, music, tv shows, anything to occupy myself. but its all short lived.

What times of day are the hardest for you?

the times im not working, today i have absolutely no work at all so i have t be stuck here all day listening to abuse. tomorrow i will be working in the morning then again tomorrow evening, then ill be staying at lukes house this weekend and ill be working over the weekend so ill not have much time to think about it. but during the day is the hardest. because i have to just endure it. waiting for the time to pass. tomorrow ill only have a few hours here.  but ive still gotta get through the night.

[cheri-beauty4ashes-blog]

Its OK to be single!

Really Cheryl! How can you say "its OK to be single! I am sad, i am lonely, i take pictures alone, i take myself out amongst so many other things. I want to feel something good". I have said all these things to my friends and they have said it to me too. Sometimes i want to just give them a hug and tell them you are going to be fine. The same way i tell it to myself and three quarters of the time i don't believe its going to be OK. Yes i am single. One time i sat next to one lady at work and she asked me if i was dating and i said no. She told me I was lying. How could a beautiful girl like me be single? I laughed then i responded " being beautiful does not automatically mean i should be in a relationship". Instead us the so called "beautiful girls" we are attacked more and cry more tears. She told me how she at 26 was married and had kids. She's very happy. My point was we are different. Each day i am on Facebook seeing relationship status after relationship status. My friends are getting married, my friends are in stable relationships and my friends are having babies. I am 25 and i don't have either of those. What was the problem with me? For a while i thought maybe i was not pretty enough, maybe i needed to change the way i dress. Nothing was wrong with me but i had allowed society and my environment to influence the way i viewed relationships, the way i looked at myself. They all look happy in their pictures...they all look so beautiful. The pictures we see on social media, the quotes we see make us believe we are incomplete if we do not post a picture with our boyfriends. We even force the boyfriend to take a picture he does not want. In reality what we see is not what is happening. There is nothing wrong with taking your own selfie. You look so awesome in your selfie by yourself. Filter it 3 thousand times its your selfie. With these hash tags that have been introduced #mcm #wcw we feel left out if the trend. Post your mum post your dad don't be desperate for a hash tag. Truth is i always wanted a boyfriend. I wanted to date but everytime i was dating i felt trapped. I felt like i was suffocating. I was dating for the wrong reasons. That's why no matter how much the other person tried to express their love me i was resilient and rebellious. I wanted to be out of it. When i did get out i would feel lonely for a few days then the cycle would go again (i had issues). Its only when i got to a certain stage in my life when i sat down and i asked myself for what particular reason was i suffering. Why was i killing myself. Clearly none of these guys were meant for me and i had no idea who i was. So what the hell was i doing. I was afraid that my phone wouldn't ring, i was afraid of staying home on a Saturday afternoon, i was afraid other girls would talk about their dudes and id be quiet, valentines day was going to pass no roses no chocolate, i was afraid i wouldnt get married, i was afraid. NewsFlash: even in the relationships there was no calls, no talks with the girls, no valentines day and im still not married! I got tired of devaluing myself. I got tired of not putting a price tag on my worth. To a lot of guys i became desperate and there are guys who love to see a desperate woman "a damsil in distress". He will show you heaven,be all over you like vinegar on chips but eventually it stops. There is no love. I had come to a stage where I wanted an " I Do" more than a "Well Done" from God. Sometimes we are single in the relationships we get into. We are still alone. That is our biggest fear. Being alone. My question is what is the worst that could happen if we are single. Being single is not a disability, it is not an incurable, infectious disease , you are not going to die because you are single. It will not be declared a national disaster. It is a moment of clarity, a moment of peace. A moment to love you most important its the opportunity to build yourself, understand who you are as a human being, see your dreams unravel. I have taken being single as a preparation period. Of course one day i want to be a mother, i want to have a house but if i am not prepared for the position, it could crumble down before my eyes and i would have received my titles but not in a position to maintain them. In this day and age i feel it has become more about having the title than doing the work within the position. If you feel idle in your single phase please start reading the bible...(Matthew 4:4). I know it sounds boring, i felt the same way. As i started reading Philippians, Romans, Genesis it started getting into my blood that for me to survive i needed the book of grace. I started to feel alive. I even forgot i was single because i allowed the word to consume me. I don't know the bible back to back nor can i debate on it. My reason for studying the bible was because there was a hole in my heart that no man except for God could fill up. The only way to do so was through reading and accepting the word. For every woman this is how it should be. This came with also with reading one of my favourite books "Power of a praying woman" by Stormie Omartin. God should come first and everything else can come later. You will not be disappointed because of your faithfulness to the word. Gods love covers every aspect of your life. I don't know about you but i have come to a point in my life where i would rather be found going about my Fathers business and not anywhere else! If we continuously get stuck trying to find a husband it can easily become an infactuation, an obsession or worse we could idolize the whole situation. We can start to worship the idea to the extent that any gun can shoot. Whoever comes your way will look adequate for the title of being a husband but not in a position to be one. We need to let God do his work and we should stop interfering in it. Only Gods Spirit knows the plans that are in store for us(1 Corinthians 2:11). There is no reason in working yourself up about it and only to be stuck on stupid a few months later. What are we afraid of? Our age? That time will pass us by. God is never late he will be on time with your blessing. But you must play your part wait and believe. While you wait do not be idle. To be continued...